Self-Study Web Dev, or go back to school, or school part time.txt

8 okt 2019

I could go to school part time. Take 1 or 2 classes, like the reddit post said:
https://www.reddit.com/r/webdev/comments/dde66x/is_it_wrong_to_want_to_be_a_selftaught_web/

"College will most likely not teach you the web development skills you need for the job. Most people in CS who work in web development end up having to teach themselves anyway. That said if you can get a degree, then get it. At least do it part time while you learn web development and work or something. So while you go to school, study up web development, make projects, and apply to jobs. If you do get a job before the degree, great, you can choose to drop out or continue with the degree part time. During your job hunt, you will be competing with people who have CS degrees AND can do web development.

You don't need to go to a super good school or anything, you just need to make sure its accredited. As much as reddit likes to say that degrees don't matter, they make getting a job significantly easier than without it. This is more true if you are trying to get your foot in the door. After a few years of working, it won't be so relevant. All things equal, companies will hire someone with a related degree than without one."

I could do like a computer science course, and an intro to programming course, or I could start working on calculus again. At least then, I would be making progress on school at the same time as making progress on coding. The only thing is that then I can't go work at festivals when they start going down, or I will have to totally pause the programming to go work at a fest, as I will have to dump all my time into studying to do it.

Is it worth it being able to work at festivals? Andrew says no, that I should only do the ones during the summer, and that I should go back to school, because 'life comes at you fast', and one day I will just be too busy to go back to school.

That's his opinion. 

According to Ingrid, you can go back to school any time, if you really want to, and you can make it work. According to her, it's a  good idea to explore my passions if I want to. This makes sense too, because if I'm in school, before I know that I don't want to be working at festivals more than just during the summer, I'm going to be bitter and drop out, like i DID.

If I can stay studying programming, and make progress in the festival world also, i will be making progress in both areas at the same time. i wont be putting all my eggs into one basket, that I'm not sure is going to pay off anyway. 

"Look, just remember that most people change as they get older. What you want now may not be what you want in five years, so just get a useful degree and you'll be fine. Anything you're truly interested in will be easy enough to learn on your own time."

Maybe it's better to just go to school. Then when I'm grown up, and I want to do something that's not festival or programming related, and is at least technical, it will be easier for me to do because I will have a degree. Maybe I should go back to Sweden, and finish in 3-4 years......... or 5....

"That being said, what most don’t realize (I certainly didn’t) is that College is amazingly fun. Class, study, party, repeat. College also teaches you how to learn and expands your worldview. If you want these things and the experience - which I would highly recommend - then do it for those reasons."

College IS fun. I should remember that. What's not fun is not having a girlfriend, not partying, not being able to flirt with girls, and living with Mom. If I went to a college in a major city, or somewhere like Cabrillo in Santa Cruz, it WOULD be amazingly fun, and I COULD go flirt with girls, I COULD party, and I COULD study and suceed as well......

Ted Talk: "Let's teach for mastery, not test scores" Sal Kahn

Moving into new age, we want pyramid to rotate. 
-Large creative class
-Want to master concepts, exercise agency
*****
It seems like fundamentally, the reason I should go back to school is not so that I can get a computer science job. The reason I would go back to school is so that I could do other things, when I no longer want to do computer science. If I go to college, I will have a much larger menu of options as far as employment goes. I won't be stuck with just one area of knowledge - web development. 

As far as staying here vs. going to Sweden - It seems like staying here and doing the longer schooling will expose me to more areas of physics, math, and engineering than the schooling in sweden will, which will be more like a trade school for engineering, with less of the fundamentals of engineering as a whole covered. However, if I did go to Sweden, I could supposedly finish my degree in 3-5 years, and then I would still have the menu of options, but with a shorter schooling time. I'm not sure what the timeline looks like for me right now, but I guess if it's 4 years at 20 units a semester, then if I drop down to 12 units a semester, that's 12/20 of the original pace. If we say 4 years is 180 units, then 180 units in x number of years is 12/20 of the pace. Okay fuck this math, roughly speaking, it's gonna take 6 or 7 or 8 years. I don't know. For sweden, it's a 3 year program at 12 units a semester (supposedly), for america, it's a 4 year program at 20 units a semester. 

Worst case my guess was right, and it takes 10 years to finish school. But like mom said, who cares how long it takes? College is fun. What if I could just make it fun and less stressful for myself? What if I did it at 8 units per semester, and set time aside for drawing and DJing? And for picking up girls, going to parties, and enjoying life? Then the 10 years in school isn't such a tragedy, and I can do other stuff while I'm in it, and when I'm 35, I can breathe a sigh of relief finally, and begin living life? Then I can start working at festivals, and going and doing pickup, and having free time for passion projects? When I'm 35??

That's what keeps me from wanting to go back to school. It's just so much time, dedicated to staying in school, when I could just learn coding for 1 or 2 years, and then I could be free to pursue my passions: to work at festivals, to host events, to DJ, to start my own festival, to do pickup, to do whatever. To build festival structures, to throw banger ass RV afterparties, to start my wizard costume festival business. .... ..

Maybe I should do all of it part time. I should take calculus next semester, continue to study programming, and then ace calculus, and move on to calc 2. In three semesters I can have calc 3 over with, and then I will be set for doing the physics and engineering courses that are required, if I really do decide I want to pursue engineering. 

What kind of work could I do as an engineer? I could program robots, I could do mechanical design, I could build structures, I could make money. As a programmer, maybe my options are much more limited. It seems like, from what i've heard from various people, that a technical degree opens the door to any route in the technical field you want to take. I know that learning webdev does not do this. 

But what if I want to learn webdev now, kick back for a few years, make some money, work at fests, maybe sell some wizard costumes, DJ, and then when i'm 30, I can go back to school and do my engineering degree? That doesn't sound so bad, does it? The only drawback is that I'll have to take out loans, instead of being able to live with mom. 

If I stay in America and go for my Civil degree, I can have as my goal to be an engineering inspector, or to design and work on site. See my own desins built. Remember in sweden, talking to that lady by Slussen, pointing out the construction on the new Slussen that was going on? I was so excited, imagining working on site for construction. My only concern was if this was actually possible as an engineer. 

In America I will learn some computer science, electrical engineering, programming, math. I will have to learn more things, and in the end I will have my CS degree, but i will have the option to divert into fields like robotics programming, or other stuff. 

In addition to the option of doing civil engineering, I could also go down the route of a computer science degree, since alot of the classes are shared with engineering. If I wanted to go back to school, and get a masters in CS, I could do that. Or vice versa. I would have alot of options, and it seems like it would be alot of fun to just have all the knowledge that college will teach me. I guess up to this point, i do appreciate having the knowledge that I have learned from college. It would be even cooler if I could apply that to a valuable career.

I could start by going to DVC for a CS degree, and then use that as a starting point for continuing school to do engineering.

What do I want to do in life?
1. Throw banger ass DJ RV parties at festivals. (5)
2. Work on response teams at festivals. (5) 
3. Make my own websites. (4)
4. Make a wizard costume business. (3)
5. Build robots. (4)
6. Program robots. (4) 
7. Learn more about computer science. (4) 
8. Be an engineer who designs structures. (3.5) *S*
9. Work as an engineer in the field. (4) *S*
10. Work as a mechanical engineer? (2) *S*
11. Have opportunities to work in other technical fields that I have not yet thought of, or that do not yet exist. (5) *S*
12. Work at NASA (3) *S*
13. Learn to get laid with hot girls. (5) 
14. Go to festivals and party. (5) 
-------9 okt 2019-------
15. Learn to DJ. (4)
16. Draw and paint (3)
17. Travel (5)
18. Make some good ass money (5)
----9 okt 9.21pm----
19.Start my own festival security business (5)
20. Start my own festival production business (3)
21. Have my onw stages at festivals (5)

How many of these points require that I keep going to school?
---
How many of these could I start doing right now?

Point sum for school: 17.5

Point sum for no school: 39

Point sum for no school is more than double that for school. And that is including working at NASA, which I'm not really sure I even want to do. 

I could keep going to school and get an AA degree in CS at DVC, or I could work on the Web Design degree online in Sweden. That one is going to take one year, full time. The bad part about that is that I won't be building credits in USA.

9 Okt 2019 9:44 am

Mom and Dad and Lutz say that if I don't get a degree, I will hit a ceiling in life, and there will always be someone who is the boss of me. I'm not sure how true this is. I saw someone on Reddit yesterday, who was saying that in upper management, there are very few people who don't have degrees. 

I really fucking wish this quest was over with, and I did already have a degree in something, instead of that I am lingering at the beggining of the race still. It's such a pain in the ass. It's never over. It's just a constant huge thorn in my side, or more like a wound in my leg. I can't work until I do something. I can't go work at 7/11. I have to do somehting better. Its just like an impossible task to find something to do. Now I finally found a  way out, which is programming, and I still have to hear all this bullshit from Mom Dad and Lutz, that without a degree my life is going to fucking suck. It's true, I myself wish I could just do the degree, but like I was telling Mom last night, I don't want to spend the next 10 years doing nothing but going to school. I want to do other things in list of things mentioned above. 

Is it such a  tragedy to work as a developer for a few years? Why don't I just do this. Get a job, and stop living with my fucking mom for a while. Go out on my own. I can keep living in my van. 

I don't know if they really know what they're talking about, when they say that I need to go to school to have a successful life. I don't think they know what my goals are, and even if my goals were the same as theirs, I could make money and have a family doing computer science work. 

Would it be better to do the online web dev course in sweden, or to get a CS AA in usa? If I do the sweden one, it will take one year, and it will focus and hone my web dev skills. Maybe it will make me good enough so that I don't need to take a bootcamp. If I do the CS AA, it won't hone my webdev, but might make me a better programmer, and will make me understand the fundamentals of computer science better. Also, I will be able to continue to an engineering degree, if I do the CS AA. It will be a great foundation to continue with engineering at some point, while the Sweden course will not. On the other hand, it will take twice as long, and it won't prepare me for the job that I'm trying to do, as well as the Sweden course will. 

I remember Shawn said that I would not get a job doing webdev from getting that AA degree, I would get it from knowing stuff about computer science. 

Again, what is the big tradegy with taking some years off of school? The worst part about that is that it will take me a few years extra to work as a civil engineer, but so what? In those few years, instead I will be making hella money as a webdev, going to festivals, flirting with girls, traveling the world, throwing banger RV parties, setting up awesome camps at festivals, throwing my own events, DJing, and having an awesome time. 

If I really want to start to DJ, I could start doing that right away. I could listen to music on the internet, or soundcloud, or spotify, during my breaks, and I could shazam songs to download. However now I can't download them from youtube. I will have to use a VPN and försöka att få dom gratis. Det blir lite jobb. Jag kan kanske fortsätta att använda Kari's VPN.

9 Oct 2019 (8:50 pm Pacific time, on flight to Stockholm to get heart checked out.)

I talked to Brittany about possibly going back to engineering school. She said I definatly should not: that the ROI is totally lame, that the opportunity cost is way too high, and that I am passionate about programming, I am doing really well with it. She said that she was impressed about how I started learning it on my own, and that I've kept at it, and done cool shit with it.

It's amazing how inspired I become, from Brittany just telling me that she thinks I'm doing a great job with coding. It's nice to hear it from someone who's not my mom, because I guess det känns som att mamma säger att allting som jag gör är bra. Det känns egentligen som alla säger alltid att alla andra gör saker bra, när dom bara gör saker normalt. Det är kanske varför jag är hård på mig själv, och jag tycker aldrig jag är bra nog. Men det är också viktigt att veta att jag är bra nog. Jag måste tro på mig själv, på nåt sätt. Jag måste tro att det som jag gör är bra och värdefullt, och att jag jobbar hårt. Jag måste tro att jag är bra nog. Jag bara har en jämförelse för mig själv, att jag borde kunna plugga för 8 timmar om dagen, och om jag inte kan göra det, så är jag inte bra nog. Jag måste jobba mig upp till det. Jag kan plugga jätte bra redan. Jag går bara till biblioteket och pluggar och pluggar. Klart, det har blivit många setbacks (förseningar?) nu, eftersom jag har jobbat på festivaler, jag har jobbar hos Shawn, jag jobbade med Top Shelf, jag fick Beg Bugs, jag gick till Santa Barbara och gjorde en massa droger, och jag åkte och hängde med Brittany en massa. Men det är inte hela värden. Jag explorerar livet, och jag har mitt mål. Jag måste inte gå och strypa mig själv hela tiden för att jag inte gör 100% hela tiden. Klart, det kan vara mitt mål, men det kommer så småningom. 

Jag är glad att jag har Shawn, som sade till mig att detta är bästa tiden i ditt liv, var du BORDE söka ut en massa olika jobb, och utbildningar, så att du kan hitta vad du gillar och vad du inte gillar. Det skulle vara kul att ta en klass på Solano som Welding och Public Speaking. Dom kanske skulle vara värdefulla. Det verkade som den tjejen på NASA tyckte att det skulle vara jätte värdefullt. Vad som helst som har med fabricering att göra, sade hon. 

I was talking to Benjamin at Dirtybird. I was so bored at my static post that whole weekend. I asked him to put me on a response team or something like that. He nodded and said 'that's where I want you'. I had forgotten that he had said that earlier, when I was getting my guard card. He had told me a long time ago, maybe even since the first festival that we did, that he wanted me in the field. That was when he asked me to scope out disclosurefest, and he saw me taking notes on the important topics that were going on. 

I was telling Ben about how I had worked for Todd and Kathy for 6 years, and I was about to start roaming for them, and then they retired. I was asking Ben about how he and Metatron started their security company, and about how they got gigs at first, before they had a reputation. He said that they did it for friends, mostly for free. I hadn't even thought about that. I was talking about that to Yaeler, and we were talking about how maybe they did it for dirt cheap, to start out with. 

Ben said that he and Meta had been working together at festivals for five years. Ben was telling me how he used to do Ranger work (volunteer security) with Esoterica, Sandstorm, and Bettina? And he said that dumbass aggro security people would always come in and unnecessarily escalate the situation. He said that the security kept getting in their way, and he said that they realized the only way to fix it was to start their own security company. Ben said that he had big dreams, that he could change the way security is done, and that we could even change and make an impact on the justice system in America. I was asking Ben because I wanted to get an Idea of how he started his company, because I want to start my own company one day. Oh yeah, those are other things I want to do in life:

Start my own festival security business (5)
Start my own festival production business (3)
Have my onw stages at festivals (5)



Fråga kari om du ska fortsätta skolan
Kari sade att man kan göra vad som helst inom NASA, så om man blir trött på en sak, s

08 587 01 000

What makes me really happy to do? What do I really enjoy doing? I love to play with technology. I love to learn about technology. I love math and physics. It seems like I should go towards the technology side. I also love interacting with people. I feel good when I am working with other people towards a common goal. 

It feels good to sit down and study. It makes me happy to be working towards my goal, and to be educating myself. I should be proud of the fact that I have the desire and the discipline to sit down and study for myself. I have had these past couple of months as a learning experience. I had to go through it, and now I am here. I have learned how to better detatch myself from distractions, and I have learned how important it is that I keep studying, or time goes by very fast. I had great experiences in the past couple of months, which is great, but my priority in life right now is working towards my Web Development career. Everything else comes second. Once I have my career in place, I will have more freedom than I ever imagined. I won't have to worry about bullshit anymore. I will be able to live my own free life, at least until I decide to reeducate myself to do something different. I should be proud of the passion I have for learning, and how much I still want to keep educating myself, even after all these years in High school and college. 

12 Okt 2019
Kari sade att jag kunde plugga och läsa till programmerere för ett tag, och att han såg inget fel med det. Han sade att jag egentligen behöver inte gå tillbaka till skolan för 5 år, för att jag är så ung.

Jag vill fråga Kari vad han gjorde i sitt liv när han var mitt ålder, och vilka olika jobb som han gjorde, och varför han gjorde dom.

Idag ska jag åka till bibilioteket; efter jag går ut och springer, och fixar lunch. Jag vill idag att jobba på min portfolio site, jobba på RowdyArt.com, och jobba på javascript problem, och fortsätta på att göra Web Developer Bootcamp. Jag borde också kolla upp NASA internships, och se vad som krävs för att komma in på dom. Jag måste också komma ihåg det som jag måste göra medan jag är här i Sverige:
Imorgon Måndag:
-Sätt pengar in på Handelsbanken
-Börja betala CSN
-Kolla CSN
-Installera om BankID
-Testa BankID på Natasha's Dator
-Gå/ring till KTH och avregistrera dig från program
-Ring Aleris, och se om du kan få en tarmundersökning innan du åker.
-Få en tandrengöring innan du åker?

Borde ha ringt till Norwegian och frågat om man kan betala extra baggage senare - då skulle jag kunna stanna extra, utan att biljetten kostar 300. Men det kvittas. Om jag vill komma tillbaka, så kan jag betala igen. Det blir förmodligen inte så dyrt.

Varför skulle jag vilja stanna i Sverige? - Om jag vill genomföra en utbildning som inte kostar så mycket pengar? Men i USA kommer det inte kosta så mycket heller, jämfört med levnadskostnaderna som jag får betala här. Det är kanske bättre att läsa på CC för nu. Jag kan läsa många olika kurser, och har många olika möjligheter för explorering. Och jag blir närmare en engineering degree från en USA universitet. Dock kommer det att kosta typ 20k i vilket fall som helst, tror jag.. levnadskostnaden i sverige blir så mycket så småningom. Men vad är min plan för framtiden. Det är inte att gå tillbaka till skolan just nu. Jag skulle kanske gå tillbaka och börja på en CS AA degree. Eller så kommer jag kanske göra den där online WebDev kursen i Sverige. Eller så kommer jag att fortsätta på egen hand, och plugga som jag gör nu. Dock verkar det som att jag har problem att disciplinera mig själv. Jag vill fixa det. Och det skulle vara jätta kul om jag kunde fixa det. Då kan jag visa mig själv att jag verkligen kan lära mig själv, och det kommer vara bra för framtiden. Om det blir för svårt att få jobb, vad då? Kanske gå till skolan, läsa CS AA deltid. Och fortsätta applicera. Allt jag behöver är att få ett jobb. Jag vill se vad det är som att jobba som en programmerare, en WebDev. Det skulle vara en jätte intressant erfarenhet. Och det skulle se bra ut på min resume. 

Men det verkar som min goal för framtiden är att fortsätta utbilda mig inom  teknik, i vilket fall som helst. Jag vill bli bättre och bättre på allt, och jag vill lära mig alla möjliga olika saker, som Elon Musk gör. Det är varför Kari tycker att jag borde "Hoppa på detta NASA tåget." Där finns ju många olika möjligheter inom NASA. Om jag kunde få en internship på NASA, kanske jag borde börja läsa Datateknik CS AA. Jag behöver inte läsa färdight en hel BA på en gång, men för att komma in på en NASA intern, så vill dom ju att man ska vara på väg till en BA. Den där svarta föreläsare tjejen sade också att man kan inte jobba på NÄSA utan en BA. Det skulle vara ett jätte kul jobb. Jag kunde kanske komma in i Pathways Programmet. 

Om jag bygger en Rover med Brittany, skulle det öka mina chanser att komma in och jobba på NASA. Vi borde skaffa en 3D skrivare, och göra nåt sånt!!

Till att jobba på idag, Stockholm Stadsbiblioteket:
1. Min portfoliosite
2. RowdyArt.com
3. Javascript Exercises
4. WebDev Bootcamp 

(14 Oct 2019; Monday, 04:17am)

I feel like there are so many options in life, and it's impossible to choose something. It feels like there is a goal that I should be attaining, that is out of reach because I can't make a decision. I want to have something to pour my passion into, to be successful with. I want to do something amazing. I want to contribute to society, and do great things. I want people to be proud of me, and to think I am doing a great job. I want to go awesome places. 

It feels hard to be in the moment so much, because I am always trying to figure out where I am going in life. Since this quest may go on for the rest of my life, or at least several more months, years, or decades, I would like to learn to both appreciate where I am right now, and also at the same time work towards my vision. 

Its been a long time, and many people don't get near as much of an opportunity as I have, to get their education and make themselves valuable. Or do they, but they just don't want to? Can anyone go to school, but they just choose to not take the risk of debt? I think so. People aren't so interested in going to school I think. It's something that most people see as the last place they want to go back to.

I want to go through with some education. I would love to complete a degree, but my indecision has kept me from doing that for many years. I've been searching all these years for the thing that I want to spend many years working on, so much that I will go through a full degree with it. Perhaps I will never find something that truly speaks to me, or I won't find it for a number of decades. If that is the case, I think that I should choose something by the time I am thirty. Is that unreasonable, to give myself another 5 years of exploration? Is that my 25th birthday present to myself? I can allow myself not to feel guilty for five years, and use this time to keep exploring what I want to do.

So since I have to choose something by age 30, what would be the best way to spend these next 5 years? Would I continue learning Web Development right now, and get a career in that for a while? Would I go to school and continue my civil engineering path? What about going to school and going for the CS AA degree. That would be a stepping stone towards some kind of technical degree, and it would allow me to advance in computer science, which will be useful. 

What about going back to school and pursuing mechanical engineering? Am I prepared to make a shift like that? Maybe I should read more about mechanical engineering. 

Maybe I should go downtown and go for a walk, and just be in the moment, and appreciate everything that is around me. Mom said that I should go and do something that makes me super happy, now that I have a clean bill of health. What would make me super happy to do in Stockholm? Go to a museum? Go to an all night rave? Go to a bookstore? Go to a library and read for fun all day? 

When I showed Bettina my RowdyArt.com, I had a feeling of insecurity, and a hope that she wouldn't think that I thought this was a great advancement, because I was actually self-conscious of how little I had gotten done with it. I think I need to cultivate a different attitude about my work. I need to have and attitude of "oh my God, check this out, this is Awesome!!", and that vibe will drift onto others also. 

When I learn more things about Web Dev, I will grow a sense of confidence. Each time I learn, or relearn something, I am expanding my control over my websites. I am building a foundation right now that will allow me to make great money and have an awesome job. How exiting!!

Trying to decide on a career must be the most confusing thing I've ever done. I'm glad I at least have Shawn's support, telling me that it is worthwhile to be exploring at my age, even if I am not really getting any industry experience. I guess I did have experience with him. He says that you don't even want to choose something this early in the game, becasue you spend all these years mastering one subject, and in the end you might decide you want to do something else, and you have no references to build on a new career path. Then you are going to have to figure out what all these other careers will be like later in life, which will be harder. Exploring takes alot of time, and is easier to do when you are younger rather than later, and it expands your possibilities for finding something that you actually enjoy. Then, later in life, you can choose one of the things you found that you really liked during your exploration period, and advance on that. Probably there will be several things. You don't need to choose the 'perfect' one, or rather, to spend to much time worrying about choosing the perfect one. There are ups and downs to every career. Be happy about your situaiton. Go into your exploration endeavours with passion and excitement, not fear that you are missing out on something because you are spending too much time discovering.

What do I want to spend my days doing? If I could keep working at festivals, i think that would still probably be it. Or to keep working at events, like Marcelo. It just feels like, when I'm doing these things, I'm wasting time that I could be spending trying to figure out how to make real money. Also, when I'm doing these things, alot of the time it's boring, and I wish that I was doing something more stimulating.

(15 Oct 2019; Tuesday, 8:15am)

Andrew from the Guardians said that I should think about what my goals are in life, and what I want out of life, and decide what direction I should go with my education based off of that. WebDev seems like fun, but I'm afraid, like he was saying, that it's going to be irrelevant in the near future. I don't want the career to end and me to be sitting there with my dick in my hand, without a real education and marketable skills.

What DO I really want out of life? What do I want to spend my days doing, that I could also make money with?

Maybe nursing would be a good choice. It wouldn't be as intense as being a doctor.

Maybe I should go to medical school, and then get into medical research. 

It's okay that I'm making my own path for myself like this. The important part is that I never stop learning. I need to keep up to date with technologies, and with what's going on in the world, in order to stay afloat. I want to be successful in my life, and have a great future ahead of me. Should I be doing somehting like mechanical engineering? This would be really cool if I actually got to do something interesting and fun. 

I'm also worried that going to school won't help my problems either. Maybe going to school and getting an engineering degree won't be the ticket to solving all my problems, like everyone seems to think. My parents are always barking at me that I need to finish school; and I would like to, if it is the right option. Maybe I'm just taking way too long to decide. I could have at least done something by now. And I wish that I had. It would be nice to have had it out of the way by now. But now that I am here, in this position, what do I do now? Do I go back to America and finish my engineering degree there? Do I move back to Sweden, and finish it here? Do I continue studying WebDev, and get a job doing that? Do I do something else? 

I want to talk to Kari, and tell him that I'm afraid I'm throwing my life away by not committing to anything. I'm glad that I had a role model like Shawn to tell me that it wasn't a bad idea. If I ever need more guidance, I can always move down to LA for a while and work with him. That is quite a blessing. It's also inspiring to see Marcello that he started his own company. And if all else fails, I can always learn a trade. Life isn't so closed off for me. I don't know what I'm really afraid of. I don't know why I'm afraid. I feel like the future is so rapidly complexifying, and unpredictable, that It feels like it's going to be some kind of insane roller coaster, and probably that's the thing that I'm most scared of. I'm afraid of the competition I face from China. I'm afraid of global catastrophe. I'm afraid of a huge rate of unemployment, starvation, global power out. 

Matt Tran says that it's hard to get an engineering job. 
30,000 MechE graduates yearly, but 2500 MechE jobs opening yearly. So for every job opening there are 10 graduates.

Matt tran encourages Technology jobs - Data science, web development, VR, software engineering, software development. He says this is where the jobs are. 

I should ask Shawn how hard it is to get a job as an engineer, versus software.

I'm so lucky that I've had my parents help me to pay for school for all these years. I've gotten to strengthen my Math and science background, and I didn't have to go into debt to do it. I'm also lucky that I can live at home with mom right now, and explore how I can make myself valuable, without going into debt also. 

Maybe a good option would be to get my CS AA degree. Not because of the degree necessarilly (though  that would also be cool) but because I would gain a strong computer science and programming foundation. I would also be well on my way towards a computer science degree, if I want to go  and do that. And it would show employers that I take initiative and I am interested in computer science. 

Matt Tran: When you choose a skill, do something that alot of companies need.

Matt says that alot of companies do use WordPress, but that any website that needs some functionality needs a Web App, and that that requires a web developer. 

Digital marketing has insane demand, apparantly, because everyone needs to sell their stuff online. I should talk to Bettina about how hard it was to get a job. I also would like to ask Shawn why he thinks that he could not get a job doing CS. Did he have a portfolio. 

Is it possible to do something that I love, and have a good lifestyle at the same time?

I may not want to do WebDev forever, but maybe I could do Software engineering forever? Or at least work with technologies. It may not be a bad idea to go and do the CS AA. Since I will have the opportunity to go and work at NASA, and I will be able to gain a stronger foundation in computer science, that may help me get a job, or will help me in my future career. 

I had alot of fun doing the programming for the NASA robot, I'm having fun doing programming for my websites, and I think progamming and computer science is a fun area where I can have alot of room for growth and possibilities. 

I can work on all kinds of awesome technologies. I was just listening to this freecodecamp podcast about a guy who used to be an english teacher, who got an awesome job, and gets to work on technologies that he and his team use internally in their company. 

Technology is the future, and I would be happy to be a part of it. It seems like probably the best idea, as far as careers go. It's high paying, its fun, the job outlook is growing rapidly, and it will allow me to stay up to date and on top of technologies. I will have control over them, and not be falling into a hole of not knowing what's going on around me, or how to use it. 

Trying to debug a program may be like similar to the learning experience of trying to learn a math problem or something. You attack it from all kinds of different angles, and you eventually learn how to find a solution, but along the way you learn all kinds of other things too. You learn about new technologies, methods, and ways of thinking. You learn how to make your analysis more systematic and efficient. I was just trying to figure out how to use CSS to seperate two elements so that they would be on either side of a div, and I learned about flexbox. It's really alot of fun. I'm enjoying it immensely, and time was flying by yesterday when I was working on Rowdy's website. 

Developer skills are extremely valuable, and this can make idea of becoming a developer exciting. 

Make Anki cards to review what you've learned. 

(18 Oct 2019)

Daniel sade till mig att han hade en kompis som var webbutvecklare, som tjänade fett mycket pengar på att göra hemsidor, och det tog han bara några timmar, så kunde han skapa en hemsida för någon. 

Daniel sade också att han hade gjort många grejer i livet: han läste elektroteknik, och en programmeringskurs, som han behövde göra om final projektet, men han sket i det och klarade inte kursen. Han sade också att han jobbade för några år, och det gjorde han fatta hur det var att jobba och vad han gillar i arbetslivet. Han sade också att han lärde sig av att ha dåliga timmar och dåligt betalt att man börjar att uppskatta sådana 'bra' jobb, som injengör och sånt. Han sade att 'det gjorde mig' att jobba i yrkeslivet. Och nu säger han att det verkar som han kommer gå färdigt detta programmet. 

Jag skriver detta för att jag blir glad att veta att jag är inte ensam, och där finns ju andra med samma problem som jag, som har det svårt att välja vad dom vill göra med livet. Men en dag kommer det. Det är bara bra att jag håller på och explorarerar saker. 

(26 Oct 2019)

I've gotten the idea that I should begin with my wizard costume and clothing business. This can be something else that I build a website for. The question is whether it's better to put effort into this, or put more effort into doing webdev, so that I can eventually start a business doing that. It's awesome that I have a business idea. That is fantastic. And doing a clothing business will give me the skills of sewing which are useful. Any business I start should be fun for me, and should also teach me something useful. Doing wizard costumes, scarfs, etc. will be fun. 

In Education of Millionaires, Ellsberg says taht if you're business is failing, but other people are having success in it, the problem is with you. Since my wizard costume business is something taht I've been wanting to do for a long time, this is a good idea, and I should go at it until I succeed. I can begin my creating and testing my own designs. The tricky part will be figuring out sizing and fabric templates. I can use some from the web, or stuff like that. Eventually, I can teach people how to sew the costumes together. Once I've sold my first article of clothing, I officially have a successful business. Then, when I have people making clothing for me that I can pay minimum wage, I have an even more successful business. Its going to be awesome. I just need to grow my demand until I have enough people interested so that I need to make more costumes than I have time or desire for. As long as I'm breaking even from the money I'm paying someone to sew the costumes, and the sales I'm making, it will be fine. Even if I'm losing some money, it will be worth it. The only thing is that it will take a long time to sew the costumes together, but it will be worth it, beacuse they will be valuable enough to people to be worth my selling them. I can get a booth at festivals, and sell my stuff there. I can have necklaces too, like the one that Brittany got me. I can pay people to twine the necklaces together. Or I can get a machine that does it automatically. 

I could get a silkscreening machine and make t-shirt designs. I could make badass tshirts with awesome designs that I create. I could also sell pottery that I make. I could sell pipes too. I could do some more glassblowing. 

Shawn was right in saying that stress is good: The stress that I am feeling, that makes me worry that I won't become a successful entrepreneur or employee, drives me to do better, and to figure out ways that I can improve, and take on more leading roles. How can I do better for the company? What is required by the company, that I could provide? Maybe at the team meetings, I could talk about things that we should know as guards. I could talk about when to arrest someone. I could talk about laws that we are likely to break accidentally. 

I should have woken up in Sweden to attend that meeting. That was a mistake. I would have gotten insight as to what happened during the meeting, I would know what the team was briefed on following the mistakes we made at dirtybird. Then I could know what I would should say at the team meeting next time, so I am not just repeating stuff. I should also have made a list of things that I wanted to bring up at the meeting. 

I remember how Ben stepped in front of the suspect, blocking his path and trying to control him verbally, rather than putting cuffs back on him. This Guardian mentality is something that needs to be carried by all of us. Something we could bring up at the meetings is how the Guardian mentality was not taken by certain people in certain situations at the last event. 

Don't pay attention to people who laugh at you doing a good job, whether this be patrons or your Coworkers. Coworkers will try to demean you for doing a good job, because you are showing that you are better than they are, often when they have been working there longer than you have. People are entitled to respect, just because they have been working somewhere for a long time, regardless of how shitty they do their job. In fact, many often feel entitled to not have to work as hard, and not have to show up on time as much, because they are now entitled to their job. 

Me and Azraiel shouldn't have gone back to camp when we were given the cart, and I shouldn't have worn my wizard robe in front of Meta and Gabriel while I was still on duty. I should remember to be doing the best job I can, until the contract has expired, no matter how much I hate doing the job I'm doing. Circumstances can always be made better in my mind. 

(28 Oct 2019) 
If you want to go talk to a girl, remember that you are allowed to just go and tell her she's cute, and then tell her your name is Omar, and talk about what you're doing. If she says she has a boyfriend, tell her that's no problem, you just thought it would be fun to come talk to HER anyway. 

Your thoughts when that girl was in Starbucks was: I shouldn't go talk to her, because I won't be able to fuck her. I can't fuck girls until I start going out regularly, and probably doing it with a wing. Approaching just one girl here and there is a waste of time. 
HOWEVER,
You have concluded that you don't want to approach girls just for the sole reason of fucking them. If all you wanted to do was fuck, then you could just fuck Brittany all the time. The point of talking to girls is that it's fun. Fucking them is a bonus. It's fun to talk to them, it's fun to feel like you're badass enough to approach girls directly, it's fun to talk to them. It's fun to flirt with them. It's fun when they're attracted to you. It's fun to touch them. It's fun to think about it later. It's fun to go on an instant-date with them. It's fun to make strong eye contact with them. Its fun to look into their eyes and at their lips and cheeks and eyebrows and nose while you're talking to them. It's fun to lick their pussies when you finally can fuck them. It's fun to try. It's fun to fail. It's fun to laugh about it later. It's fun to hold their hand for the first time. 

7744 (Starbucks Junction Vallejo code);
88554

Living at mom's house, I have the opportunity to do my sewing and wizard costume business, though I could probably do this If Shawn would still let me live with him. At mom's i can help her sell her stuff, and learn about online marketing and sales doing that.

Don't be so scared that you're going to fail. Be happy that you are getting all this information and these opportunities, and be confident that you're going to succeed. All you need to do is keep reading books, keep listening to audiobooks, keep doing what your'e doing. Keep studying code. Keep going. Keep expanding your skills. Learn about sales and marketing. Start your own businessess. One day you will succeed. Enjoy the process along the way. You got this. If you don't believe in yourself, everything will be harder. 

(30 Oct 2019 Wednesday)
'Rich dad poor dad' is the book i've been looking for. I have been interested in doing web development and working in tech, but I haven't wanted to do it for my whole life. I've been interested in starting my own business. I want to make money and be able to live a good life. 

(1 November 2019)

Maybe should have a mindset of studying code to make money as a freelancer, or to start a tech company? What could I start a tech company for? We could make websites for people? We could have a unique style of building websites that people love? We could maintain and run other people's websites. We could read other people's code and edit it. 

We could learn more programming, and make some apps. We could make games. What could we do, what are the possibilities? Is it better to go and work for an existing startup first, to get an idea of what's going on there? 

RowdyArt.com maybe should be my main focus? Why don't I put more effort into that, and assume that it will be big? För att jag inte tror på Rowdy? 

I think I do it because I don't really believe it will succeed. My thoughts are that there is too much competition, and there's always someone who is better already. But this is true about everything. You can't have that mindset if you're going to be winner. You're going to be a winner if you believe that you have a chance at success, and at least that if you fail, you will have gained experience, and improve your chances for success over the long term. By diversifying yourself and gaining experience, you make it possible to gain the knowledge to one day be successful. Your chances of success on the first try are very low. But when you keep trying, your chances of success improve greatly.

In a world of confusion and rapid change, you just gotta trust yourself and keep going. There will be many mistakes and not knowing, but you will figure it out. But even if you don't you can't sit around and worry too much, because it will decrease your chances of success. It will cripple you. Have enough healthy worry to get you thinking and working. After that, you can appreciate what you're doing, and be present. Appreciate life. Appreciate the opportunities you have. Stop being sad that you might not be #1, that you might not be rich, that you might not get exactly the job you want, that you  might now know everything. 

Worrying can be seen as a form of complaining. If I'm worrying that I'm not going to be rich, I'm basically saying 'I wish I could be rich, life would be better if I could be rich. Life is not as good right now, because I'm not rich.'

How about changing your perspective? Life is beautiful. You may not have alot of money or assets, but you have a rich mind, and a rich mindset, and rich friendships, and life will be rich for you. Life is rich for you right now, if you only stop and look around and see it. Be present. Realize that you're alive. Be happy for what you have. What are 5 things I'm grateful for?

1. I'm grateful I have Brittany, and that she is so wonderful to me, and that we have so much sex. 
2. I'm grateful that I have a laptop, and that I'm persuing coding, and that I have a driven mindset, to just come to Starbucks every day to study, or to sit in the kitchen on Fridays and weekends to learn how to do something valuable.
3. I'm grateful that I'm interested in improving my life, and that I want to read books about it and improve myself all the time.
4. I'm grateful that I got to go to school for a long time, and learn how to learn, and learn to be disciplined, and learn technical skills, and learn to type and read and write, and to think scientifically and mathematically, beacuse those skills will serve me in life. 
5. I'm grateful I have food and running water, and medical care, and society. I'm grateful that I get to be a part of this world, and that I get to be alive, and I'm grateful that we're all here together on this blue planet that's spinning really fast. 
6. I'm grateful that I dont spend a bunch of money on useless junk. i'm grateful that I'm interested in saving money and increasing my assets. 

(3 November 2019, sunday)
I could use marketing (Google AdWords? Email Marketing? to increase mom's sticker sales. WHen she makes enough sales, i can start hiring people, and managing them. I could make mom's website for her, and start to market it as well. 

(4 nov 2019 mon)
Being afraid of thinking the wrong thoughts, or being wrong, is the same as being afraid of failing. Om du är rädd att din tankesätt om att vara exklusiv med Brittany är fel, det är lika med att vara rädd att fejla. Du måste fejla i livet. Där är var du lär dig. Fejla snabbare, och lär dig mer. Tänk på dina möjligheter, men bli inte frusen i tanker. Du kan göra mycket. 

If you want to jump up and dance when you get code right, or you get the idea to, begin to do it, even if its embarassing and you don't want to do it. Eventually you will want to do it and it will be fun.

I want to build my brand not just for my potential future businesses, and for my career and my resume, but just because it's really fun. All I did was put out two videos, but I'm having a blast. I feel like I've done alot. 

(5 November 2019)
What is the reason I'm going to give to Melanie that I am not going back to school? Why AM I not going back to school? Is she not correct? Is it not a better idea to get the degree, and then to start working? I don't feel like it is. The point of doing coding was to make this path shorter, not longer. I don't know what to say though. I don't know.. I want to work, but I don't really even know why. I feel like I am just floating around without a purpose. I'm trying to find and create my vision, but am I just going from thing to thing, to keep me distracted, so that I don't have to think about what i need to do? 

Why should I go back to school when I can go and work as a programmer in a year? I don't understand. Because I will 'hit a ceiling' later in my career, when I am facing people who have a degree, to get a promotion or something? I want to go out and do things in life that are not school. I want to have time to meet people, learn about life, read books, and find out what it is that I really want to do. If I do want to go back to school, great. I will do it, and I'll do it when I'm ready, and I know that that is what I want to do. And then I'll go through it all the way, and I won't bat an eye. I feel like I'm too immature now. I don't know what I want, and if I go back to school, I'm going to flounder and fall off again. I'm not ready for it. I have other things I want to do first. 

Maybe I just like self-study more because the pressure is off, and I don't feel like I'm struggling to complete an unreasonable amount of work all of the time. Maybe this is why school is good and important. I don't get why people say that school is so fucking easy. School never really seemed that easy to me. 

Gary Vee says to find out who you are, and to triple down on that. Maybe I am an engineer, or a software guy, and I would do best as number 567 at my company. That is okay too. Not everyone has to be a businessman. Shawn and Gary both say to try a bunch of stuff, and find what you want and don't want. This is solid advice too. I told myself that I would at least wait until I got a job as a developer, before I went back to school. That is a solid plan. It's not going to take long, and it's going to be a great learning experince. I will meet people along the way, and get to have more life experinece, to see what I want to pursue. I will get to read more books and stuff like that. 

(6 nov 2019, wednesday)
Be confident that you're doing the right thing. You're going off of your best judgement, so stop second-guessing yourself all the time. If you need to take an afternoon to sit in a dark room and think about it all, then do it then. Or if you need to sit and journal about it, then do it then. Don't do it while you're trying to focus on coding. Put it out of your mind immediatly, like Roody said to do with Marisa. 

"Why did you stop? Varför gillade du inte ingenjörsarbete?"

Jag har inte ett bra svar. Varför slutade jag? Jag ville göra något annat. Jag ville jobba på festivaler, och nu vill jag inte göra det, tror jag, men jag vill fortsätta att läa mig detta, så att jag kan jobba utan att gå tillbaka till skolan. Kanske jag vill bara ha en paus från skolan. Jag vill se världen, och se vad andra möjligheter finns, innan jag går tillbaka för en sådan commitment. 

Daniel från codeselfstudy sade att man bör gå i skolan, men jag hörde ingen riktig bra anledning från honom. Han sade att en coding bootcamp kan kosta ungefär lika mycket som skolan kostar. Han sade också att man har 70 år av resten av sitt liv att leva, och därför bör man gå i skolan 'för att bygga en bra grund'. Han sade att det är bra att gå i skolan, för att få foten i dörren. Han sade att om man är typen som kan jobba 15 timmar om dagen, för att komma fråm mot sitt mål, för 6 månader, då kan man plugga på egen hand, och komma in i industriet, men det kommer vara mycket svårare att kunna visa till folk att man har nödvändiga kunskaper. 

Jag tror Covel sade att man kan jobba med recruiters, och att man kan göra nåt annant, för att visa att man är färdig... jag kommer inte ihåg vad han sade. 

Om jag ska tillbaka till skolan, så vet jag inte om det är bäst att göra det genom sverige, eller USA. Men det måste jag inte tänka på nu. 

Jag borde prata till mogna äldre folk som är i positioner som jag vill vara, och fråga dom om jag borde gå tillbaka till skolan. 

Skolan kan vara bra för att kunna jobba inom många olika industrier som en ingenjör. Det är det principiella anlednignen att stanna i skolan: för att ha flera möjligheter att göra saker som jag gillar. 

It was GITHUB! That's what covel was talk, about contributing to public projects, making your code public, having a trail of work that you've done that you can show employers. Having projects you're working on that you can show people.

Why don't I just try to get into coding for two years? If I can't get in, I will go back to school, the semeseter of fall 2021. Then I can fucking sit in school for as many years as I want to.

Don't look at what others have done and compare yourself. Compare yourself only to yesterday, and see what you can do better now. 

You don't need to be upset that you're not going down the right path. Life is a gift and a joy, so stop being worried that you're going to end up being homeless. Being homeless isn't even that bad. Look at Leonard, he lives large just off of welfare money. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, and you don't need to be worried that you're going to live a life of suffering. Your life is going to be fucking fine. 

2478 Bathroom code au coqulet
c2479

The most important thing David said to me is that 'if you're the kind of person that can study 15 hours a day, then you can get a job faster than going to school.' Fine. I'm going to become that person. All I'm going to do is coding. I'm going to learn it all, and I'm going to prove him wrong, and all the other dumbasses telling me that I need to go to college and spend all my time and money. 

If you are remotely interested in a book, just buy it, don't think twice. It's the best money you've ever spent. It's 10 bucks. 

Have a year of cash, liquid. 

Eat mostly the same thing every single day. Avoid decision fatigue on stupid things that should NEVER consume your thoughts and your energy. Avoid decision making fatigue in every area that you can. 

Marcelo asked how much I wanted to get paid, and I was going to say $60. At least that's the first thought that came into my mind. Even though he had said in the past $150 a gig. I remembered that after. He said 'can I pay you $125 because its' a small show,' and I was like, 'uuhhh, yes..'. It reminds me of my conversation with Brittany about how we undervalue ourselves. Tim Ferriss was talking about how important it is to be able to negotiate, and that sometimes negotiating is just asking if you can have something, and it's that simple. Think about all the things you would go out of your way to do for people, if they just asked you to do it.

I don't know varför jag är så frustrerad. Jag känner mig så jävla arg, sedan igår när jag vaknade. Dom största sakerna som jag har blivit arg av är att jag blev fast att åka hem till Brittanys mammas hus, och idag, att Brittany sade till mig på morgonen idag att hon skulle åka till Chris och hänga med honom. Jag blev arg, för att jag var där för att hänga med henne, och hon bara sade att hon skulle åka till honom. Hon gjorde det på ett sätt som kändes som hon inte brydde sig att nu behöver jag slösa mer tid i att försöka hitta nånstans att plugga. Hon frågade inte om jag ville följa med henne, hon frågade inte om det var okej att hon skulle bara lämna mig för att gå och hänga med Chris. Hon bara sade att hon skulle gå och hänga med honom, precis som jag borde bara acceptera det. 

Vad om hon hade kommit hem till mig, och jag hade varit där hemma hos henne, och hon var upptagen med plugg som jag är, men i alla fall så är hon där och vi hänger tillsammans. Vad om jag bara kom till henne och sade "nu ska jag åka och hänga med min kompis för två timmar." Och jag sade inte till henne "Kommer du vara okej då? Är det något som du behöver? Vill du hänga senare? Är det okej om jag lämnar dig och åker och hänger med min kompis för två timmar, och nu behöver du åka iväg nånstans och hitta på något att göra för två timmar?" 

Kanske hon bara tänkte att jag skulle gå och sitta på någon Starbucks nära, men hon frågade inte mig. Det bara verkade Rude. Som hon inte brydde sig om vad jag måste göra, nu när hon är borta. 

I met some guys at Starbucks, and they said that learning Javascript is a waste of time. They seemed to think that it was a terrible language, and one of them mentioned that I could do much better learning Java instead. They were saying that the important thing is to learn the fundamentals of programming first, and then doing javascript would be easy after that. I remember reading something similar on the internet. And it reminds me of the talk I had with the coding professor at Solano. The coding professor likened learning C++ to being a car mechanic, and learning Python to being a bicycle mechanic. He was saying that you can easily learn to be a bicycle mechanic if you learn to be a car mechanic first. Why dont I do that then? Would that be a better idea? 

These guys at starbucks said they went to school for it. I think it would be great to have had gone to school for it, but I dont really want to go back to school for it now. I want to get a job, for some reason. I dont want to spend all my fucking time in school right now. I want to go out and read and travel and learn, and then make a fucking decision about what I want to go spend 7 years in a STEM education for. I can always go and get the CS degree if I want to. Or if I want, I can start with just a Java course at DVC. I dont want to have to start from the beggining right now and be in school. I dont want to have no time to do anything but study. I want to work a little bit, i want to see what options there are in the world. I want to learn, I want to read books about life, I want to get more ideas about what the possibilities for me are. I want to do what Shawn said, and work at as many jobs as I can in this time. I want to do what Gary Vee said, and be massively risk, and work at four different jobs that I think I would love, for six months each. 

If I want to learn java, I dont have to go to school for that either. I can learn it on the internet as well. The guy mentioned going on codeacademy or something and learning that way. 

One of the guys said that he worked at amazon, and he was saying that Java was much more useful, and he was also saying that React could be learned without javascript. He was saying that he only uses React. One of the other guys said that he used very little javascript in his websites. He said that he used Python and Flask, and React. They said that it was better to learn Java, and then when you use Javascript,  you won't need to use more than a few lines at a time, and you can learn how to do this easily if you already know Java. 

Maybe I should ask them if they think that Python is better. i wonder why this group of people had such a different opinion. I guess there is alot of preferences and stuff among different groups when it comes to coding. For example, I was asking Covel if you needed to learn JS to learn React, and he said yes.

Maybe these developers just use the frameworks, and bang out websites like that? Like maybe it's better to just learn Bootstrap and React, and not go too deep into JS or CSS? I think it would be beneficial to not go too deep into any of these langugages. I want to have a good workable fluency in them, and to be able to do what I need to do, but I don't want to waste my time on minutia.

How CAN I afford it? What are ways that I can afford the things I want? How can I afford to buy a car, so I can sell my old one? I can call Shawn back, and ask him if I can do remote work for him.

I just called and asked Shawn. Great job. Its awesome that I take action on the ideas I have. Mom called and asked if I could help her take down the boards for dad to use to fix the house. I told her I really didn't want to, but I feel bad when I tell her I don't want to do something. She does so much for me, and she saves me alot of time in the long run, I feel like I should return the favor. I told her I would be willing to give her $20 to ask Gilmours son to help her get the boards down. 

11 Nov 2019, Monday, 12:38am

I was talking to Barry today. We went to Costco together. It was fun! I asked him alot about finances. I asked him if he had investments. He said he had a 401k to begin with, and then traded it for an IRA, which is similar, but allowed him to have more freedom in the trading of stocks. He then traded to a different type of IRA i think, which allowed him to invest even in real estate.

Barry said that he never really made that much money trading stocks. I didn't ask him about government bonds. I still want to ask him what he thinks I should begin to learn, or begin to invest in, to start my journey of learning about finances, and making money.

I want to ask Barry how I can learn more about investments, taxes, and finances. Rich dad says that financial intelligence is made up of primarily four areas of expertise: accounting, investing, markets, law. 

Brittany's dad said that eventually he invested in a 250 unit apartment complex in texas,with about 10 other investors. It was bringing him 5000 dollars of positive cash flow a month. But there was a layoff of oil jobs, and the occupancy went from 90% to 60%, and the mortgage was no longer covered by the tenants. Barry had to pay $2500 out of pocket one month, and didn't make any more money on rent for most of the rest of the time he owned the property. However, i think he said they sold the property later, and he got a good profit from the sale. 

(11 nov 2019)

If can't go and work for the exact person you want to be in the future, then go and work for various people that have success that you admire, and would like to achieve some part of. Go work for people who you want a part of what they have one day. Go work for people who you are interested in what they are doing. Go work for people who you want to be LIKE. 

Its not about coding being around forever. Maybe it won't be around forever. Things change. You don't even want to do this forever. All you need, is for it to be around long enough for you to work in it, and gain some life experience. You can work in a tech startup, and learn that way. 

Daniel or David or what ever his name was at the coding meetup asked me why I  didn't like engineering. I told him that I did like engineering, I just wanted to leave school to work at festivals, and now since I'm out, I'm taknig this time off to explore more options, becasue if I'm going to commit to a seven year schooling of engineering, and 20k to 50k in debt, then i better be damn sure that Im making a good investment, and its not just something taht I'm going to stop doing after a while again.

Gary Vee: Once you have your values figured out, making decisions is easy.  Gary Vee called this 'macros'. Arnold called it 'your vision'. If you know what you want, if you know where you're going, you can easily make decisions. 

Some thoughts of negativity just dont have any bearnign on anything. Like comparing yourself to others.

Nobody is who you are, nobody has done what you've done. Were all given different tools.

When we compare ourselves, were always comparing our worst to someone elses best. 

Sometimes Brittany feels like humans want to indulge in feeling bad.

14 nov 2019

I'm so angry about these blinds I was going to sell. I probably shouldn't have left them at Home Depot, because we could have hacksawed them into three peices and thrown them away if we couldn't find the brackets. I couldn't think, I was getting so angry in Home depot. I hate wasting time, especially in the morning, when I can think clearly, and be the most productive. 

That woman wanted to buy them for $25, and I could have brought them back to Brittany's Dad's, and waited on us to find the brackets. They wouldn't even have been my problem, but of course I feel somewhat responsible for them being in her dad's house, and getting in the way, for me to make 25 bucks. I'm sure he'll find the brackets eventually, or maybe he won't. I don't know. It's a pain in my ass for sure. I hate things like this, that make it so that I can't make a decision. But it's my own fault. I need to learn to make a decision, and to live with it. The blinds are gone now. If the woman calls me and says that she still wants them, then I can go back and get them. Otherwise, the opportunity to sell them is based on us finding those brackets. Maybe he doesn't even have them. 

It's so stupid not to just fucking put them in a plastic bag and tape them to the fucking blinds. But that's not the point. It's my own fault. 

I wish I didn't get so angry about these things. I was starting to get annoyed at Britts dad's, when we were looking for them and I couldn't find them. especially since the most precious time is in the morning. I thought it was stupid. 

I could go back to Home Depot and get the blinds, but then I would have to do it like right now, before the traffic hits. Do I think that we could sell them if we find the brackets? Yes. Do I even think we will find the brackets? I don't know. 

I'm wondering about opportunity cost, and all the sunk cost that's gone. I know I've spent probably over 2 hours on these blinds at this point, but now I have the knowledge about what they need, so would it be worth it to go and pick them up? I can't make the blind hangers myself, because they need to be adjustable, so that they can be attached to studs. I mean I could make some, but it would be too much work to be worth it. 

The blinds are going to sit in Brittany's Dad's garage, until someone maybe finds the brackets. 

They are out of the way now. It's not worth spending more time on. The only chance would be to find the brackets, and if we don't find them, then more time will have to be spent on the blinds, cutting them up, and they're going to continue being in the way in the future. 

I feel much better after writing about this. Maybe next time I'm angry about something like this, I should just write it out, and that may help me make a decision.

14 Nov 2019

What if my goal was to be the greatest coder of all times? What if I wanted nothing more than to be the best coder there is? I am setting the small goal, by just wanting to get a job. My goal should be huge! I want to be the greatest coder of all times!! I want to make the most amazing programs that have ever existed. I want to visualize myself, writing programs that will take the world to the next generation. I want to make websites that will shock and awe people. I want to be the  best programmer, the best designer. I can't just have no self-confidence, hoping that maybe I can get a job somewhere. the thing that most poeple lack is self-confidence. I have the discipline and the desire to come to starbucks every day, and sit here from morning to night and study code. I have dedication, without needing anyone to tell me what to do. I just eat beans, like a badass. 

I should do a badass journal every day, recording why I was such a badass for that day. 

Why was I a badass today?

I can make youtube videos, talking about why I was a badass today. I can make it a video journal, and every day, I will tell the worldwhat I did today that makes me a badass. 

What did I do today that makes me a badass?
1. I went to starbucks and studied
2. I went to home depot and tried to get brackets so I could sell Barrys blinds.
3. I left the blinds at home depot and said fuck it, so I didn't have to waste any more time on them, so I didn't have to bring them back to Barrys, and so that barry didn't have to keep storing them in his house, just so I could sell them. 
4. I sat at home and studied after my workout. 
5. I went on an awesome bike ride
6. I did my workout routine again today, AWESOME
7. I fixed the bike a couple days ago.
8. I created listings for the fox, and for the ninja blender. Most people just watch TV in their free time, I'm trying to flip shit taht I sold off the street. 
9. I'm learning how to get rich while I'm taking shits, with Robert Kiyosaki. 
10. I make badass coding videos, and then discovered that I could record on my screen, and instantly got better!!
11. I had awesome sex with brittany, and made her cum hard!
12. I didn't take a nap today
13. I drank an awesome cup of coffee. 
14. I decided to make this list. 
15. I uploaded my youtube video
16. I checked shipping prices on the internet
17. I decided which rabbit holes not to go down in coding. 

I think there's so much pressure to be awesome, it always makes me feel like im coming up short, and it makes me feel like im losing. Instead, think about all the awesome things im doing, and be proud of myself!!!

18. I finished the first mobile Rowdyart page!! 
19. I made brittanys bed!
20. I chanted 'BARRY BARRY' when he came down the stairs this morning
21. I figured out how to get barry's fan cover off

Im forgetting to shoot for the stars, like arnold said. I need to have big goals, and then I will aspire to great things. 

15 nov 2019

Benshun Denshun

If you do something, then go all out! and do it Well. 

I'm doing coding now. So forget about everything else. Go all out, and do coding well. Do it the best. think of nothing else. Make it your focus. Maybe you don't know all your goals, but you have one more that you realized last night: you want to travel the world. The best and the easiest way to do this is through work, whether that's from the ability to work remotely, or from actually traveling for my job. That's one of my goals. 

I want to be successful. I want to be rich. i want to be highly skilled. I want to move to France and live there. Those are my Goals.

GOALS
1.Move to France
2.Be highly skilled in my profession
3. Start a business
4. Work in a startup
5. Travel the world
6. Start my own festival
7. Work in festival production
8 Host my own events
9. 

I'm grateful for having coding as a career, because this is like a magical game full of colors and puzzles that I get to play every day! I can create my own Company, like Ludvig did, and I will one day be able to travel the world, work in more places, learn like crazy, and keep doing coding as a side hustle. I can move to france, and do coding while i learn french. then onec I have learned it, i can start working for a company or a startup in france, or I can move somewhere else in europe. 

If you're studying coding at all, you must have some belief that its going to work. So believe all out. believe that you're going to be the best. believe that everything is possible. belivee that you can do amazing things. If youre believing at all, you might as well believe full on. 

16 Nov 2019
Brittany says I should get into self-driving cars, because it would be something that I would enjoy, because it's both hardware and software programming.

What is my overall vision? I want to become rich and successful, and create amazing technologies, so that I can help and inspire the people around me, and to make a great life for my children, so they can have happiness like I had, and so that I can help the rest of the world, and help people in nations where their quality of life sucks.

My goal is also to be able to work at festivals still. this can be my secret goal though, so I don't have to tell people and feel like an asshole. I want to be boots on the ground security, and work with production crews. I can do both. One day I will start my own production crew, or my own security company. Probably the first one, becasue running a securrity company seems liek way too fucking much liability.

I should probably do something to be able to DJ more. I can download en typ av mjukvara som låter mig ladda ner låter gratis. Jag kan köpa en skräp dator för att göra detta på, för att undvika virus? Eller så kan jag bara köpa låtarna, men jag vill inte spendera pengar på det. 

Kanske du bara tar Brittany för granted, och du arbetar som hon kommer vilja ha dig hela tiden. Vad händer om hon inte vill vara med dig längre? Bryr du dig? Varför känner jag mig så illa nu? Är det för jag har druckit så mycket kaffe? Är det för att jag inte har nånstans att gå, än smutsiga Henrys hus? Kanske om jag skulle städa Henrys hus, skulle jag må bättre, för jag skulle ha ett rent ställe att komma hem till. Kanske om jag hade några kompisar att hänga med, skulle jag känna mig bättre?

Jag vet inte varför jag mår så dåligt. 

Jag pratade med henne just nu.

think about how she feels. Have empathy. If you're too busy, that's fine, but theres a ceratin breaking point where shes not going to want to be with you anymore if you dont spend enough time with her. Maybe its once every two weeks, maybe once a month, maybe once a week. i dont know. 

Use Tiktok and LinkedIn and facebook and Youtube to market mom's stickers. Get her to show you the ins and outs of selling the stickers, so you can do it self sufficiently. Start marketing them on amazon. Get her to show you how she knows there are chinese people hacking her stickers. Sell Them on ebay and find other websites where you can sell using shipping. 

18 Nov 2019

We can totally build mom's business, and make it amazing using shopify, amazon marketing, other online marketing, ebay, etc. We can put her stickers up everywhere, and increse sales by a shitton. She is too busy and doens't want to focus on it. This is a great place for me to start learning about business, and help mom with money and finances and her own business at the same time, and give her something that she will be able to generate income with for the rest of her life. 

Rowdy said the same thing that gary vee said about what you're doing with your life. You build momentum when you're living your dreams, and you can do things effortlessly. Gary Vee said that one hour in his school classroom felt like longer than the last ten years. 

Rowdy is lucky to have me as his devloper. Some people wouldn't even be putting effort into the project, but I am. 

I should make a video every day about doing web dev. I could do on-screen videos showing how to create a navbar and a sid bar in html. I should do at least one short video every day, documenting how I'm worknig on stuff, and showing my progress. 

19 Nov 2019

You've said taht youll go back to school if you think its the best choice. Youve said that youre going to work in coding first and see how it goes. you've said taht if you can't make enough progress to think you're going to get a job by Fall 2021, then you'll go back to school. Maybe that's also a bad idea though, and I should just keep progressing through coding, until I suceed. 

I don't need to be afraid. I just get these negative feelings when I'm around Mom, or when I'm here, and I have Ms Lutz in my head, or when I think about Andrew from the music festivals. But Let me just forget about them, and think more about Brittany, about Barry, and about Ingrid. 

Forget about the fear. When you think about worry, and you're thinking about failing, think instead about suceeding, think about how you're going to win. Clearly visualize yourself working as a developer. Visualize yourself as a coder working in a startup, or in a big company, or whatever. View yourself always as a winner, because you're always doing great things. 

Det känns som jag kastar bort mitt liv när jag inte går fram till en tjej och pratar med henne. Varje gång jag gör inte det, så misstar jag någon bra tid i mitt liv.

I was afraid that coding was going to feel boring. It does feel boring right now. This is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Why am I doing this? What is my end goal? I wanted to do this so that I could have freedom to work at music festivals. Do I still want to do this? At least if I don't want to work at festivals, coding can give me the freedom to travel and work in other countries. But if I want to do that, shouldn't I just go back to Sweden to go to school for engineering? Since I seem to like this more? Or should I just stay the course for this programming now, since I've already gotten started with it, and since it will take alot less time? I am just afraid of wasting my life away. I'm 25 now. What have i done with my life? I've been searching for my path the whole time. Its going slow, but it feels like it's going somewhere. At least I am trying to make progress in the direction that I want to go, and that's the important thing. It's not important to be doing what Arnold says. It's not important to be doing what Gary Vaynerchuk or Owen Cook says. What's first important is doing what I believe is the right choice for me. I want to find something that I can invest in, where I will produce something awesome, give me more freedom in my life, and love the process, and give me more financial freedom. If I can't do all of them with one career, at least I can do some of them. People tell me I am young, but I am afraid of my life slipping by. I am also afraid of not going and meeting new girls, when I feel like I should. I feel like flirting with girls makes my life so much better, and being so busy all the time, and living outside of the big city, and not wanting to do it without wings is kiling me. It's not the end of the world, but I feel like I could be doing much better if I could be doing that more. There's just a limited amount of lifetime. There's a limited amount of time where I can flirt with young hot little girls, without feeling like a huge weirdo. Maybe that's not true, and it can be trained away, but it's not a desire I should neglect. I should take note of it, and make it a point to fulfill it at certain specified times during the week. I could go to Oakland for a day out of the week, and meet up with guys from the community. Or I could go out at night, while I work with Marcelo, and do it that way. It would be best if I could be in a situation where I would talk to 3 girls per day. I should have gone out and done some game while I was in Sweden. I would have enjoyed that. I should have done it myself in the tunnelbana, and I should have done it with Roody as well. 

My fear with coding is that I'm spending more time of my life doing something that I don't really want to be doing forever. I just don't know what I do want to be doing forever. I am searching for it, and I am in a good position to be searching for it, and I will keep reading books, listening to podcasts, talking to people, and learning, to try and find that path that I want to take. 

What are the things that I love to do so much taht I would do them for free?

Response team at a music festival (though I've actually never technically worked on a response team, I think it would be alot of fun)

Artwork

Djing 

Game.

I could monetize all four of these things, but why don't I? It's because in order to pursue any of the four, i would have to have an income on the side, and that's why i wanted to do coding in the first place, so that I could have some sort of income, while I pursue the things that I really want to do in life. I wanted to do coding because I could do it faster, and so I could pursue these things while I am still young. 

Think about how lucky you are to be alive and to be so young right now, in this time. What are the odds of you being alive, and being this person? They are like infinite. Every living thing on earth that has ever lived since like 2 generations ago is dead.

Don't waste your life. Do what you can to make yourself take opportunities. Talk to girls. Embarass yourself. Travel. take risks. Do something awesome every day. Think about the normal things that you do that are awesome already. Do something you love to do every. Do what you love until you're thrilled to be alive, like Peterson says. this will fill up your life, and make it easier to do the things that are hard,or seem like work. Do drawing and DJing every day. talk to girls every day. Find more festivals to work at every day. that was one of your ideas wasn't it? To work at festivals more, since you have this time off? Some of these things can be postponed, but not all of them.

What can I do where at the end of my life, I'm going to look back, and think about how what I did was awesome. I think that would be my dream of designing and engineering my own festival structures, and taking part in building them. Remember, that no one but you can make this dream possible, and no one but you is going to remember and encourage this dream. I think that being at Burning Man, and engineering my own structure, is something that would be amazing and rewarding, but it's not something that I should invest 6 years in school for. If I want to do Burning Man, I should practice first by building small structures. By helping other people build their structures. By going to Burning man, and bringing some 2x4s and a drill gun, and creating a little structure of my own, with a small blueprint. I can create something bigger every time, but if that's my dream, I should try it out first, before investing in a decade of schooling for it.

This is a great time for me to go out and learn about the world. I want to learn about what kinds of opportunities there are. I want to travel. I could be like Even, the guy that I met at the Bromma lake, who traveled the world, and just worked doing various odd jobs. Maybe that is what I should be doing right now. Traveling and learning. I should research how to travel and learn. 

Visualise yourself at 5 year intervals from now. Where do you want to be when you're 30? 35? 40? 50? 60? What do you want to have done by the time you reach these ages? What will you be sad that you didn't do, by the time you reach these ages?

Remember to always appreciate what is going on right now in your life, because you will miss it in the future. This is a great way to remind yourself that what you have right now is awesome. Wokring on coding at starbucks in Walnut Creek? Awesome. Going to coding meetup in Berkeley? Awesome. Reading books at Brittany's dads house? Super awesome. Going on hikes with Brittany and Barry? Mega awesome. Hanging out with mom, and going on a sunset walk on Mare Island with her dog? Extremely kowabunga awesome. 

Remember that life is awesome, and you can be happy. You are doing something taht will make your life better. You are creating a way for you to make money and get smarter at the same time. You aren't wasting your time. Every minute you spend learning how to code, and how to be a developer, is a great way to spend your time. you're learning how to study, how to discipline yourself for self-study, how to manage your time, how to flip shit on ebay. 

You network with people to find out what they are doing, what you are interested in within the industry, not just to get a referral from people. Listen to podcasts, and people talking on the internet. Ask people at meetups about what they are working on. Ask them where they would like to work, and what they would like to do. Ask them what they like doing in programming.

You want to have a reason 'why you want this job' when asked in an interview. You want to have words flow from you when you write a cover letter. Practice writing cover letters to start preparing for interviews. Read more about interview preparation, and job hunting as a developer. Ask people at meetups when you should start applying as a developer.

If i follow Gary V's advice, that this is not the time to play it safe, and get the safe job that mommy and daddy wants you to get, then maybe doing coding is the wrong thing to be doing. Because if I quit this, and try and get back into it in a few years, then supposedly it will have advanced so much that I will hve to learn it all over again. But I supposed the HTML, CSS and javascript fundamentals will still be there. What is the best thing to do at this age? Should I just go get a job in sales, and move to Texas, or New Jersey, and just see what it is like to live and work somewhere else? Should I move to the East Coast and work 2 or 3 jobs, just to see what it's like? Should I go and work at Starbucks and Walmart, just to see what it is that I'm really so scared of?

I'm also scared of the future changing, and unemployment being huge for people who aren't skilled laboreres. However I don't really see this happenign now, it might just be another scare story from the media. What type of job could I do, that would teach me skills that I need in life? After reading Robert Kiyosaki, I really want to just move somewhere, and start learning sales and marketing. I don't really know why I want to learn these things, but he says that it is crucial for financial success. I could keep doing Web Dev, work in it for a while, and then get out, and learn sales and marketing. Like, I could go into Web Dev for a couple years, learn enough to make me able to do freelance work, and then go on to work in sales, increasing my skills. I have many avenues. It's good that I'm reading books, becasue they open the doors to these avenues. Doors that I could not see before.Doors that were invisible before they were opened by reading.

I don't need to be afraid. Like mom says, there are some people, like me, who will just succeed, because we are so driven, and passionate. 

I shouldn't go hang out with Brittany this weekend. I should stay home, and keep studying. Or at least, I shouldn't go to her place on friday night. We spend too much time fucking. I would rather stay home, and go and see her on saturday afternoon, when it's time for our hike. And even that, I would like to keep it short, becasue I want to get back to working. I'm also learning how to flip things on the internet, from the internet. this is a great skill and knowledge to have. I'm learning how to market products on ebay, and other stuff, and I'm learning what needs to be done to package and ship things, and to set up accounts to sell, and how I can identify what items are going to sell, and which are not. I'm learning what is going to sell and what isn't. I'm learnign about internet scammers. I'm learning awesome stuff. 

I want to live for a life of education, like Kiyosaki says. I want to be learning new skills all the time, so that I can be equipped to handle life. Maybe this is what Gary Vee is talking about, when he says that you should go out and travel and learn.

I miss being in Sweden, but I'm glad im not incurring any more debt there, and I'm learning how to code here, but I'm sad that Natasha is havnig to pay for all of the apartment costs by herself, but again, I can't be responsible for the decisions of my siblings or my parents, they have to find out for themselves, but I can help to guide them. If I had a choice, i would probably also tell Natasha to finish going to school. At least she will have a degree in somethign. I think that will be important for her. 

My vision can be to work as a programmer, and have that be one of the things that I do, that teaches me about life, and gives me skills that I want. But are they skills that are going to be useful in life? Maybe I should listen to that guy from Rogan again, who says you should learn to code, but is also a successful businessman. He is using both the technology side of things, and the things that Joe Rogan is teaching. 

It feels like no matter where I go, I don't want to be there. Is this what that saying that Owen said was: 'wherever you go, there you are'. When I'm in Sweden, I want to go back to America. When I'm in LA, I want to be somewhere else. I think there are good reasons for wanting to live somewhere else though, when I am stuck in these places. So what should I do, and where should I go? I should move to a big city in France, Spain, or the United States, and live there. There is no way that I would not enjoy that. That is another reason why coding is an excellent option for me. I am going to have the freedom to move somewhere that I want to live, and start a great life there. I will be able to meet new people, and learn more about life. I will be able to further create and fullfill my vision.

VISION BRAINSTORMING SESSION:

What are some visions that I want to see happen in my life? 

1. I want to live on the East Coast
2. I want to be a web developer, and do awesome things with web technology
3. I want to give back to the world, and do something that helps developing countries.
4. I want to work at festivals, and build festival structures
5. I want to throw my own events. 
6. I want to be an engineer
7. I want to build robots.
8. I want to travel the world
9. I want to work remotely
10. I want to learn more game.
11. I want to help the world.
12. I want to build something huge and amazing, like some huge great technology, or a huge amazing building
13. I want to do research, or contribute scientifically, in some awesome way. 
14. I want to do something that is going to make an impact. I want to develop some type of amazing technology, that I can call my own, or at least that I took significant part in. All of my tech-related desires sort of move in this direction. I want to be part of the new technological world. I want to build badass things. That's the crux. I want to use education, and knowlede and schooling that's difficult to obtain. I want to use EXPERTISE, to build something amazing, or to make amazing discoveries, or something like that. I just don't know exactly what direction I want to go in yet. I think Matthew Walker, the sleep doctor, is very inspiring. So is Joe Rogan, with his epic podcast. I want to do somehting big and impactful. Like Elon Musk, with his Tesla and other companies. But how badly do I want it? Am i ready to sacrifice hanging out with Brittany, and going to festivals, and having other kinds of fun, to focus primarily on this??????? 

I wish eclipse wasn't happening, so I wouldn't feel like I'm missing out by not going to it. But there is always going to be something like that going down. It just depends on when the summer shows up. What am I going to want to do?

A thought occured, that if I had worked for Todd and Kathy all weekend, instead of partied, at those previous Northern Nights, maybe I could have been a roamer for them. Also, maybe if I just kept emailing them until they answered, maybe it would have worked.

How can I work in developing countries? I could go back to school for engineering, and through that, I could travel to developing countries, and build infrastructure. 

All in all, being an engineer does sound cooler than being a web developer, i think. As an engineer, you just create cooler stuff, than programmers or web devlopers do. I do enjoy software programming as well though. Maybe this is just a way for me to see that I should get into mechanical engineering, where I can work with software and hardware together, and engineer technologies. Maybe I should be going back to engineering school? But I don't want to go back until I'm absolutely certain that I will go through it all the way. Because if I just go through it partially, and then take a break, I will have to relearn all the stuff that I started with, and It's going to be a bitch, and a waste of time, where I could have been doing something else. I'm already having to relearn Calculus 1. 

I'm happy that I was with Shawn, when I was deciding whether or not to go back to school, because otherwise I would have been taking the advice of my mom and Lutz, neither of which are really where I want to be in my future. Shawn said what Kiyosaki said, which is that you should do as many jobs as possible in your twenties. He said that everyhting he learned was helpful to him. 

Maybe I will have to retake Physics for engineering 1, but big deal. It's the ONLY class i'll have to retake. I'm blessed to be in a position where I could leave school, and have so little progress that I made. Otherwise it would be much harder for me to leave. 

If there's a career I could see myself doing long-term, I think it would be engineering. I just hate the idea of being in school for the next 8 years. i just feel like i would be missing out on so much. But it depends on what I will be doing with the next few years. I can always go back to school, it's not going to be a problem. But if I want to be an engineer, I should be sure that I want to go back. I'm not going to half-ass web dev, and jump ship, and go back to engineering. I'm going to take this time to read, learn, talk to people, and to see what my options are. Part of me still feels like a total dumbass for leaving school, but another part of me thinks it was the perfect choice. I would be sitting around thinking 'what if', just like Gary Vee said, if I hadn't quit and started to work at more festivals, and to learn coding like I am doing. The thing to decide is whether or not there is a better future for me doing engineering, than there is doing web developemnet. Maybe engineering would not even be more fun than webdev. Maybe it would just be more boring. Maybe it would be more dry numbers, and stuff like that, while webdev is more interactive, visual, and colorful. However, my favorite idea with engineering was that I was going to work on site, and to watch projects go up, that I was going to take part in. 

What is the point of going back to engineerning school though, right now? To work in nonprofits in the future building infrastructure? To be able to do a foreman-type job, and work on-site, making sure that things are getting built right? To engineer structures at burning man? Honestly, all of these things sound alot cooler than creating websites. Web development was just an easy out for me, to get a good career in a shorter time frame. What if it's not what I want to do? But on the other hand, what if it's going to be awesome, and i continue to enjoy doing it immensely like I am right now, and I can travel the world like Ludvig, and work as a freelance web developer? I don't think it makes sense to go back to school until I have worked in web dev first. It will be great in several ways: it will show to myself that I can complete something difficult, and do it thorugh self-study. It will show me what it's like to work in a professional industry. It will allow me to meet more people, who I can learn their stories from. It will allow me to work remotely if I want to. It will give me these next 8 years to have to do other thing than being in school, so that I can explore what options there are in the world, instead of being stuck in school, focusing on nothing but school all the time.

My reasons are valid. Trust yourself. 

Being Brittany's boyfriend is like your dream come true. Think about how much you wanted her when you first met her. Now she loves you. Appreciate it, and enjoy every second you get to spend with her. Nothing lasts forever. 

You were afraid that you were not going to be able to study coding on your own: that you would not have the discipline to do it, or that you wouldn't like doing it, that you would get bored of it, etc. Luckily, all those things turned out in your favor. So be happy and grateful about that. Maybe this is God telling you that this is a good path to take, even though part of you feels like its a bad idea. 

It's a good idea because youll be able to work and move and live somewhere else, and gain life experience,and help to decide what you do want to pursue in life, whether it's deeper into computer science, mechanical engineering, civil engineernig, etc. I don't really know how having a coding job is going to help me though. Maybe I'm just bullshitting myself. Maybe I just want a job that will allow me to save up money so that I can travel and party. Maybe I want to work in the tech industry just to see what it's like. Maybe I'm excited about the idea of actually making money for myself.

Creating software has the possibility to impact millions of people, becasue all they have to do is download your software. In fact, it's possible to impact millions of people using just youtube, or other forms of social media. Speaking of which, I should upload my journal videos to TikTok, since Gary Vee says they get so many views.

22 Nov 2019


Think of the most confident person you know, then channel them for your interview. Do this when you want confidence for other things too. Think of Lutz, Rowdy, Dad, Mom, Jonas Gaade, James from Sierra Nevada.

Have an intro rehearsed and under a minute.

When you are worried about finding a job, visualize yourself being the leader of all other coders one day. Believe that it is possible, because it is, and then think of five things that make you awesome.

1. I am social and fun
2. I am handsome and friendly
3. I work hard, I enjoy coding, I'm creative
4. I communicate well, with everyone
5. I can share my ideas well, I can lead people more or less. 
6. I'm funny
7. I'm healthy
8. I'm willing to help
9. I always want to learn more.

My fear is that mom and dad are going to get sick, and I am going to have to take care of them, and I won't be able to go to school, because I won't be able to take out the debt, and then I won't be able to finish engineering school if I want to, later in life. For that reason, I should go back to engineering school now, when there is the least baggage. 

	This is such a negative mindset first of all, but also, it's not even necessarily true. Stop thinking about shit like this, you don't know what's going to happen in life. It's not terrible to take it into account, but if worse comes to worse, you will handle it anyway. 

Intent for the day: Figure out how I'm going to pay back the CSN lån, and whether I should continue the online class for WebDev through Sweden. Maybe I should get a real job... for part time? Or I could just work for mom's stickers more? We should be putting her stickers up for sale and marketing them harder, and we need to sell more stuff at her house. Next week I will go to mom's and start listing all her stuff. I will also start listing other stuff that I find. 

I will ask Marcelo next week if I can come and work with them. It feels like money is running out, and bills are coming in, and these are small bills compared to what people normally face. I got Insurance, food, and now I got student loans to pay back. It's shocking that it's going to take 4.5 years of paying $80 a month to pay that shit back. That means I can pay it back in 2.25 years if I pay $160 a month. Still alot of money! Damn. That's insane, and that's only after one year of schooling for an engineering degree. I didn't think the debt was even a big deal. Now Natasha is going to have to pay back either $80 a month for 10 years, or $160 a month for 5 years. That is incredible. And if she goes another semeseter, she is going to have to pay back even more.

Why are we so often looking for what can be guaranteed to us, instead of what we can possbily aspire to? I keep telling myself 'at least if nothing else works out, etc...' At least om jag inte kan hitta några tjejer, så kan jag knulla kvinnor som är mycket äldre an mig. Varför inte bara göra ditt mål till att knulla unga tjejer?? Du kommer att nå ditt mål. Anledningen som du gör detta är för att du vill ha något om du inte kan nå ditt mål. Du vill ha något garanterat. Inget är garanterat i livet, och det är en loser mentalitet att bara söka försäkringar av saker som är garanterat i livet. Ju lättare det är att få, ju mindre värdefullt det är. Det som tar energi, ger dig den där belöningen som du söker. Det är belöning som du riktigt söker i livet, inte garantier. 

People only believe what they learn in school -Gary Vee

Play this game with the belief that you WILL have baggage in the future, and that you WILL not have as much freedom and time to do the things you want to do. This is the time to be massively riskk. This is the time to start a company with four friends. This is the time to try and be Beyonce. You only get one chance at this life.

Excellence is not an act, it is a habit.
	-Aristotle

Stop thinking quietly to yourself that you are not good enough for shit. Inte bra nog för tjejer, inte bra nog för the right job. Stop telling yourself that you hope you can at least be something tiny. Aspire to be something incredible, and you will become that. You are setting your goals way too low. When thinking about being a web developer, don't think "oh maybbe i could be a designer, if there's no one better than me, or maybe if someone thinks I'm good enough". That's what you were quietly telling yourself today, when you were writing your practice cover letter. Instead, tell yourself that you're going to be amazing, that you're going to be a fucknig awesome designer, like Steve Jobs. What's wrong with that? It's true, I am afraid of setting the bar high. I don't know if it's beacuse I'm afraid of failing necessarily. Maybe it is. I think its more that I am just humble, I'm trying to tell myself that I'm not that much... but why? It's obvious that I'm awesome. I'm not letting myself be as awesome as I really am. I need to let go, and be convinced of how awesome I am. I feel small just because I havent gotten into my career yet. But just be patient, like Gary says. I'ts not about getting into it quickly. Everything takes time. Just be confident in yourself. Look at your track record. Look at all the awesome shit you do. Look at how creative, artistic, and fun you are. Look at the wizard costumes, etc. You're amazing. :D Everyone loves you.

Tell yourself you want to be a competitor to... no, you want WANT to be a competitor to... no, you ARE GOING TO BE better than DeviantArt.com! You will start with a small following, and you will build it up, and it will be amazing. You will make amazing websites, and taht is the power of technology: that you can so quickly influence everyone with your code. It can be multiplied over and over infinitely with computers!!! It's so amazing!

"You are never anywhere close to making the right decision"

23 Nov 2019	

NASA showed me how fun it was to work on a team of smart people doing something awesome with technology. That is my goal in life. I want to build awesome things with smart cool people with technology. I was thinking of the breakfast we had at NASA, and the guy who said 'Californians, you non-breakfast eating people'

24 Nov 2019, 2:39 am

What if I got into game development, like I used to say that I wanted to do. That would actually be mega badass. What if I started to produce videogames, like the Half Life Alyx virtual reality stuff they're beggining to come out with. it would probably be fuckin awesome to develop VR and AR stuff. THAT is something i should seriously consider. Even doing 2D video game development would be tite. Think about what it would take to do VR stuff. That would be AWESOME.. i think.. :o

26 nov 2019

You can go to the bookstore, and just read the books that are on your list, or other popular books that you've heard of. Then you get to test them before you purchase them. :) And you can pick out the good ones. You could do this when you go to Berkeley, or have one day of the week where you go and do this. 

It was interesting having Vernon (thor) tell me about how the demand in the dot coms has ebbed and flowed throughout the years. Makes me think of when Shawn said that he tried to get a job in computer science, but could not get a job. 

26 Nov 2019

Det känns som varje dag jag inte jagar efter tjejer, så slösar jag bort något på nåt sätt. Det känns som jag misstar något i livet. Jag vill gå ut och träffa tjejer varje dag. Jag vill prata till nya tjejer varje dag. Jag vill skriva nya field reports varje dag. Jag känner mig som att jag kommer vara ledsen att jag inte träffade mer tjejer, när jag är äldre. Jag tänker inte på det så ofta nuförtiden, men jag tänker fortfarande på det ofta. Jag vill flytta till någon storstad, och bara jaga efter tjejer, medan jag jobbar som en Web Dev.  Det kan vara en av mina mål. Jag kommer kunna gå ut och köra game så mycket jag vill. Klart, det kommer betyda att jag inte kommer framåt i livet med andra saker, men kanske det har inte så stort betydelse. Jag tänker på investering, på att starta mitt eget företag, på att gå i skolan, på att tänka ut vad jag vill göra med livet. Om jag kan bara skaffa ett job, var som helst, i vilken storstad som helst, och bara tänka på inget annat än Game för som fyra år, så skulle det förmodligen vara dom bästa fyra åren av mitt liv, och i slutet skulle jag kunna vara mycket bättre på att träffa tjejer, och kunna få knulla nya heta tjejer hela tiden. Det är vad jag vill ha i mina 30 och 40års tider, och förmdodligen 50 och 60 och 70 också. Jag vill bara kunna knulla nya heta tjejer hela tiden. Jag vill ha nya sexerfarenheter hela tiden. Jag vill leva ut mina sexdrömmar som jag ser i porrfilmer. Jag vill ha smutsiga lilla tjejer, som vill bli knullad i röven, och som vill bli knullad som Shawna ville. Jag saknar hur smutsig hon var. Har inte haft en sådan smutsig tjej sen henne, men jag tror inte att det skulle vara så svårt att hitta. 

Jag tror detta är en av mina största mål i livet. Det låter kul också att ha succé som i mitt professionellt liv, men det som jag verkligen göra, är bara göra något jobb som jag kan åka runt, i min skåpbil, och jobba för något företag, och kunna åka på alla möjliga festivaler, och ha det så jävla kul, i så många år. Det är något som jag vill bara helt klart göra med livet, utan tvekan. Det verkar som något som skulle vara så roligt, och skulle göra mig så glad, och skulle göra livet kännas så fullt, jag skulle bara vara i paradiset. Där finns inget mänskligt som jag har påträffat som är så nära paradiset som festivaler är. Och vad om jag kunde använda coding för att bara jobba remote, och åka och jobba på festivaler, och göra sånt, precis som jag ville? Skulle det inte bara vara såååå värt det?? Det skulle bara vara helt otroligt underbart.

Det är kul på sätt och vis att ha en flickvän också, men det är inte något som jag behöver, om inte hon vill gå ut och försöka hitta trekanter med mig. 

Om jag inte ska gå ut och köra game varje dag, minstone kan stanna någonstans där där finns tjejer, när chansen kommer, tills jag har pratat till tre av dom. Livet går snabbt. Jag är 25 nu. Snart 26, åldern som jag sade att jag inte verkligen behövde börja med game tills, eftersom det var då Jeffy började. Om jag kan skaffa ett coding jobb inom detta året, så kan jag förverkliga den där drömmen.

Det är ganska galet hur snabbt min 20-ålderdom har gått. Dock är jag bara halva vägen. Men jag har mycket mer liv att leva. Där finns mycket mer att göra. Jag vill komma ut och leva livet, nu när jag är ung. Det var en av anledningarna som jag kände så starkt mot att stanna i skolan för 7 år till. Jag skulle bara spola bort hela min ungdom. Minst kan jag ha 5, 6 år var jag bara reser runt, codar, gör sajtar till folk, och sånt. 

27 Nov 2019

I was watching a porn just now, and thinking of that girl who i liked so much who came to our parties at moms, cant remember her name right now. She was at Northern Nights this year, camped next to Natasha randomly. She lookes like the girl in the porn, and it made me think of my lust for adventure.  Because that girl was in the army, she traveled through asia, and now she was back at Northern Nights. I want to be like that girl. It feels like we're not so far apart, but we're just choosing different life paths right now. 

I want to be one of those people who goes out and travels though. Like Ewen, who I met in Sweden, who just traveled around the country and did odd jobs.

I keep saying that I want to do these things, and there's a good reason that I haven't done anything about it yet. It's that I just want to be able to have a good career to be working on at the same time. If I could be a web developer at the same time as traveling and working, it would be the best of both worlds. I would be making money doing something awesome, I would be making good money too, 3x or more what I would be making for the same amount of time at another job. That means more free time to have adventures. It's also always possible to go out later in life and travel. Look at RonInaVan.

Be like Barney from half life 1, who jokes about playing poker tonight, after all the scientists have just been killed, and he and Gordon are about to split off.

I like typing into my computer. I feel kindof like one of the scientists from half life two.

I want life to be full of action and adventures. How can I make it so? Does life have to be dangerous for it to be that cool? 

Be like Barney. I didn't used to be just worried all the time about my career, and thinking that I wasn't going to get anywhere in life. I am just trying to figure out a way to make money that isn't going to be extremely lame. I want to be able to do something cool while I move to another part of the world, go on adventures, jaga efter tjejer. Det skulle vara underbart att kunna göra coding då. Det är en perfekt karriär. Det är bra att jag gör det. Jag borde vara glad att jag har denna chansen att plugga det. Bara tänk så här: the faster you keep working on coding and learnig it, the faster you're going to be able to move away and live in a new place. I mean, I could just leave right now, but then I would have to support myself and pay rent with my income, and it would be a major pain in the ass. I mean, maybe it would be okay, if I was living somewhere where I could live in my car, and I wouldn't freeze to death. Like I could go to Florida, or Texas, or some warm place. Maybe Spain? If I live in my car, I could support myself by working a couple days a week, like I do already. I could go back to Santa Barbara too. Där finns det många heta tjejer, och många bra kompisar som jag kan vara med. Det skulle var jätte roligt. Jag kunde bara fokusera på att lära mig coding där. Jag blir upprörd när jag tänker på att jag är tillbaka här i East Bay, men jag har inte frågat 'why' so much. I'm here because I came here to work with Celo, to see if the production work was something that could be beneficial to me. I thought it might be somethign thaat I would want to do long term, but i don't know. I don't really think I want to be doing just that. I want to have a job where I am doing something cool. But is coding really going to be cooler than production, or is it going to just be more borign and high paid? I can't say, i hve to experience it. So the main goal now is to just continue on the track. If I really get bored, and I want to move, I can go down south somewhere. 

I just checked, looks like alot of the states in south USA are livable weather in your car. So I mean, I could go anywhere. All I would really want, is to have enough money saved up so that I could buy a new car if I needed to. I could apply to coding positions in all of these southern states, and I could just move to whichever one that I get. That would be awesome. I want to move away from this part of california. I just want to see some new things. I always crave adventure. It would be just great to be able to go somewhere and get a job and do some new awesome shit, meet some new people, see what a different part of the world is like. 

Om jag blir färdig med coding i rimlig tid, skulle Brittany och jag kunna åka nånstans. 

Don't be scared that wordpress is going to take your job one day. This is a loser mentality. Of course you're not worried about this because you want to do the same thing for the rest of your life so you don't have to think, your concern is with whether or not you're using your time in the most efficient way, and if you have to jump ship to something else in the near future, shouldn't you do it right now?

You should learn to use Wordpress, and you could get paid doing that for people.
"
Everyone obsesses about landing the tech job, but there are tons of non-tech companies out there that need someone to “Do the website.” If you don’t have a traditional tech background, these can be stepping stones.
"

Barry said that I could get hooked up with him, selling investment products, and make a ton of money, but I have to convince people to buy. 

Barry was telling me yesterday about how there was somthing other than a 401k that you could invest in.

How to build Rowdyart.com? I have to get something done over the next month. The Coded site feels so amateur compared to what could be done with wordpress. It's hard to add any functionalities at all. From what I saw breifly, maybe its tough to get wordpress sites to work well on mobile? Though I imagine they got this down too.

There might be a reason why I get bored of all the things that I do. It's because I don't really want to do any of these things. That is why the shortest path to a job is the best idea right now. And webdev will be a job where I can at least do something artistic and creative and work remotely at the same time. 

Taking action is better than overthinking, because you don't know if it's going to work. You don't know if it's going to work. One of the best ways to find out if something is going to work, is to try by experiment. When you do something, either it works and it's awesome, or it doesn't work, and you find out one more thing not to do. Either it works and it's great, or it doesn't, you know something else not to do. All the debating, on whether or not something is going to work, is irrelevant, because you can't predict any kind of results with accuracy. And you won't have the reference of what it was like to try it out, once you're done. You just need to do it, and once you're in it, you will see what it's like. You won't have to think about whether or not you want to continue, because you will have experience, and it will tell you everything you need to know. DOING is better. It gives you real world experience, that has been verified by experiment. Theorizing is good for steering you in a direction, but drop it fast and go forward in that direction. You will waste less time in the long run this way, and maybe even in the short run, because you will be able to see what works for you immediatly, and what doesn't. 

Remember when you went into the cafe with Alex, and we said 'okay, first girl we see, we approach!'. Then I went up to the first girl I saw, in front of her two friends, and talked to her. And she gave me her number, and we went on a date, and it was super awkward. the point is, my 'lame' opener, of 'hey, you look really cute' worked so well, that a girl who would later not even like me, wanted to go out on a date with me! That is amazing. There was really nothing more fun than gaming with my friends. That is probably the single best thing I got out of going to Sweden. I would like to go back, just to have that option again. I would love to be going out and gaming all the time. I could always move back, and get a tech job in Sweden.

Jag vill bara bli färdig med coding, så att jag kan gå ut och knulla och träffa nya tjejer, och bo i nya ställen. Det är vad jag verkligen vill göra med livet. Det är mitt mål, det är vad jag vill ha. När jag har gjort det i 5 år minst, då kan jag oroa mig över andra planer, högskola, osv.

No work, no planning, no savings or money. Just a choice right now, between fear and love. 

Jag är rakt bredvid en college campus, i Berkeley. Varför går jag inte dit och raggar på tjejer?

I would love to be doing something worthy of performance, where many people are observing what I am doing. That is why I liked doing dancing with Kårsdraget so much. It was partly so much fun because I was on stage. I like to do things with other people, and to be recognized. It doesn't feel quite as good to be doing something just  behind the scenes, and getting little credit for all the work you did, like math or computer science. It's like Gary Vee said, his mom gave him so much attention, so he wanted to do something where he would also get alot of attention.

Am i just feeling bad, because I've never really worked at a real job? It makes me feel bad when I'm not working, at least I think it might be... I just feel like I'm not getting enough school work done, and I'm not working either, so It feels liek im just beign lazy and wasting my time. MAybe I need to take a different perspective? I'm just learnign how to learn. It might take some time, and then if it really doens't work, then fine, i can ALWAYS go get a job, liek gary vee says. If this is not the time to play it safe, what should I do? SHould i go move to spain? Should I go work on an oil tanker as a third mate, to be able to travel, and see new placees, and interact with foreigners ? I think either of these sounds cool, and I guess that is what I would want to do, once I can start working as a web dev. But maybe I should just try to do it right now, instead of doing web dev... Maybe I should move to BArcelona with Brittany, and just work at a hostel.

If I really don't like doing computer science, there's no shame in jumping ship. There's no point in doing something I don't want to do. I hate hearing the advice that I need to just pick something and stick with it, because it seems like the opposite of what I am able to do. When I was going to medical school, i felt like it might not be the right fit. Then that's why I was looking for something else to do. Now, engineering seemed like a good fit, but I took a break in order to pursue festivals, which I thought might be an even better fit. Now I'm doing web dev, becasue it will give me the ability to explore life more, without having to spend the next 7 years in school getting a degree. That's why this seems liek a good idea. 

What did I learn from this regex challenge that has taken me several days? In the end, the solution was found by researching regex overall, and understanding core concepts, instead of trying to work through the problem. It's tricky though, becasue often working through the problem is the right thing to do. In this case, there was something I had missed, and also something that I was not taught. What is the lesson here? If there is something that does not make sense, research it and understand core concepts better, then try again to move on to problem solving? I suppose?.....

You get inspiration when you chase after it. I just got it right now, after chasing after it. I think after I lose momentum for a few days, it becomes harder. Also, when learning subjects I enjoy in school, like Math and science, it still becomes tedious and boring to learn them often, and it becomes a chore to study, although deep down there is richness to the understanding. This is what you apparantly have to cope with when trying to learn something. There are parts that are tedious and difficult to learn. The cool thing about coding, or engineering for that matter (sort of) is that once you learn something, you can actually USE it. Whether that's using the code to build something, or using math and science to figure out problems. 

Like Barbara Oakley says, just focus concentratedly on something, not jumping from thing to thing, even if those other things are things that you also have to learn. This way,  your brain octupus is able to use all of its arms to build one chunk in your brain. Your brain octopus can't build chunks nearly as quickly, when it is using it's arms to build several chunks all over your brain.

Maybe I should use typing when I'm learning math, to help with the process like i do with coding. Though, writing it out on the paper is more consolidated and thus more usefull.

When you get momentum, learning is alot more fun. It's drudgery when you are getting going, but after you have been doing it for a half hour or an hour, it starts to become alot more pleasurable, and you feel like you are actually getting something done, not just trying to get the lawnmower started. 

Rogan says that learning to do something hard is how you find yourself, and how you can be happy. Struggle, and success after that struggle, is how you achieve joy in life. That seems to be a guiding principle of life. When I learn a code, especially after it took alot of effort, I'm proud at the end of it. I sometimes tell myself that it doesn't matter, because I had to look up the answer, but I think I do a great job anyway, and it doens't matter that I had to look up the answer.

I should DJ more, just to have something fun to do that I can look forward to. I don't really have many things that I love to do that I do. I just read and learn, and try to get more better. I don't think that these things are bad, but they are not necessarily that relaxing and thrilling and fun, like DJing is. Or drawing works too. I should just try to draw pictures of Brittany's face or feet when I get bored. I should do some things like this every day, and I will be thrilled to be alive. Maybe that is why I was feeling like I was on drugs, for that period of time or two, when I was feeling so incredibly happy every day, and every morning I woke up full of energy, feeling like I was on drugs. 

You don't have to wait until you've achived all your life goals to be happy. Or even a big goal. Just be happy when you have achieved what you were trying to do in the last half hour works out. Be happy when you successfully study for half an hour. Realize that you end up at ground zero all the time, where it's difficult to get started, and be proud of yourself for picking yourself back up and studying some more.

I wouldn't have switched to programming if I wasn't going to do it for trying to work at music festivals. Now that I have switched, I want to continue with it. But would it be better to go back to school, and continue with engineering instead? Since that is what I would be doing right now anyway? I don't think so. I hate this indecision, and the stress and the struggle. It feels so much that I've been trying so hard to make something of myself for so many years, but I just can't settle on something that I want to do. I'm trying to cope with this and think that it's okay, and I believe I am overthinking it, and wasting more time that way. At least I can acknowledge that now. I will stop thinking about it, and I will go through with continuingn with Webdev. And I can do it alot faster if I don't spend 50% of the time I'm studying, writing in my journal about how I'm not sure if I made the right decision or not. If I spend that time studying instead, i will find out the answer by experiment twice as fast. If it was going to take 2 years, it will take 1 year. If 1 year, then 6 months. This is why I need to focus on studying every day, alot more than I have been doing. If I can study for 6 hours a day, that means I will be in a job 3x faster than if I am studying 2 hours a day. If it was going to take me 9 months, it will take me 3 months instead. 

Stop worrying so much, because in every moment you're doing what you think is the best choice. Part of why you are worrying all the time is because you always worried you are makng the wrong choices. If you were making the wrong choices, you would change. Worrying all the time is crippling, and is slowing you down.

I need to be tunnel vision on coding, until I reach my goals. I can't spend huge chunks of time doing other stuff, like helping mom with her business, talkning to Barry, and working with Top Shelf. All these things are going to just slow me down too much. It feels like i'm not making any progress. It's been three full months now, and I don't feel like i've at all progressed three months worth of work. I could definatly see the advantage of school. Maybe I need someone to be accountable to. Maybe 8 units per semester is not ideal, but right now, trying to study on my own, it's gone down to 4 units for this semester or less. I don't feel like I'm doing a good job at all. I need to have better discipline. I need to have a routine, and stick to it. Like when I was in school, I would get to the bus on time every morning. It gave me somethign to strive for. A goal to achieve. I need to set my own goals. I need to be at starbucks by 9;30 every morning. I need to work for 3 and a half hours every day before lunch. then I can be satisfied. At least it's a start. Without doing that, it feels like I'm just wasting time. Then after lunch, i need to be back at starbucks by 4:00, or maybe even 3:30. And stay there from 4 - 8. Then I can go home, get ready for bed, and be in bed by 10:00. I can get 9 hours of sleep, wake up at 7:00, and easily get to starbucks by 9:00. I just feel like such a failure right now. It's a shit feeling. Its the feeling thats been following me around my whole life. Everyone keeps telling me that I am a winner, but all I can see is me not doing enough. I hate it. It's becasue in the moment, I do things like talk to Barry, which seem like a good idea at the time, becasue I feel like I'm learning something valuable. But then when the end of the week comes, and I can see that I havent gotten jack shit done, I get depressed. I get angry at myself. Thats what this burning feeling is in my head, when I'm sitting on the couch talking to Barry for too long. I'm stressed, becasue I alwasy feel like i need to be working on my coding, but I jsut cant sit there and get work done. Its like gary vee said, I dont have the discipline to sit in front of a computer for an hour. It's making me super pissed off. And you know what? I don't fucking want to sit in front of the computer for an hour. this whole thing is just making me angry. I feel like ive been trying my whole life, and just failing over and over again. Like I can't get the simplest thing done. It's so fucking frustrating. and now I'm spending wasting even mroe time wrirting journals like this about how i feel, and how i need to get work done, which is wasting even more tme. I need to jsut ignore everythuing else, and just keep studying. I ened to get into a routine and stick to it. To wake up and go to sleep every day at the same time no matter what. I need ot establish a routine that can make me feel like Im getting somethign done. Im jsut epicly failing right now. Im trying to get stuff done, but every weekend i go to brittanys and just fuck off all weekend basically, and then during the week im sleeping all day every day, and not getting anything done there eihter. Its a fucking disaster. Last week, i was sleeping so muhc evey day, an ther were point sof ddays were I was sleeping like 12 hours a day, becasue i would wake up in the middle of the fucking night, and couldnt fall asleep. Its not fair. I just want to be fucking successful, and ti feels like everythign is against me, time after time. The only thing i can do is keep struggling through. Set my bar low, and try to improve it a small amount every day. Like peterson says, set the bar low, so taht you can fucking achieve it. You can have big goals, but you nee dto have small goals along the way, so taht you can small chunk your big goals. Eventually i will build up to a point where i can be more happy with my work, but it's very hard to get there. I was trying my best with online courses in sweden,an dstill onyl doing 4 hours a day. Though i discovered later that may have been mostly becasue i was at home all day, and if i would ahve gone to the libaray, ti woudl have been alot beter. 
Maybe this writnng is good for me. like a kind so fself therapy. This helps me to foxus my thoughts, and wrk through things that i have stucki in ym my subconscious and conscious mind. 

Just think, if you just do well next week, you will feel happy and immmensely proud of yourself. All you have to do is do better than last week. you can do it!

Another thing is, you need to mentally count the decisions you make that are not coding, if that is part of your MO. If you want to use this free time to help mom with her business, that should count as a productive plus in your brains scoreboard. If talking to barry is something you think is valuable, you should also see tht as a productive plus. The thignshe teaches yuo could be vary valubale. Reading is aloso a productive plus. ALl of these things are thigns that you said you wanted to do, so don't be bummed if you arent spending all of your productive time coding. Just make sure you get at least 4 hours of coding in every day, and you're good. Remember, even wiht your struggle, youre getting alot more time to prepare than some people get!

2 Dec 2019
True that I will have the rest of my 20's to not be in school the whole time, if i don't go back for engineering, but I won't have my 30's free, if i decide to go back to school then. there is a give and take at every step. I do wish that I could just be done with school already, and this programming thing is making me feel like maybe I am just prolonging being done with school. But it's important to explore all options, because otherwise you have a lingering 'what if' all the time. Gary vee said to that girl that if you are not completely decided, the 'what if' will crush you.

Remember that no matter what, life is good anyway :D You are never making the right decision, you are not even close to making the right decision. Just make a decision and roll with it. 

If you think webdev might be a waste of time, think of how it would feel to be doing engineering, and knowing that you still have 6 or 7 years to go to finish it. 

2 Dec 2019

Lutz may be right about the future. There are so many changes coming, and so many new technologies that will be gripping us in our lifetime, maybe she is right, that it is vital to grow your education, and get a serious understanding of the fundamental principles of engineering. After all, Web Design and coding can be easily learned by engineers. But they could also easily be learned by me. Maybe the increase in software will just put me in a better position, because I will know programming better. 

Eleftheria Batsou, Video about Coding

She said don't get dissapointed easily. It's easy to get dissapointed, in myself, in not being able to learn something, etc. But other people are like you, everyone is struggling. Everyone is dissapointed in themselves. You just have to keep going at it, and you will reach success.

Batsou said she read lots of medium articles every morning, and that it was important to go to coding meetups and to do challenges with other people. She said that she did the 100 days of code challenge, where she coded for at least 1 hour outside of her developer job, every day, and uploaded the code to github.

När jag blir färdig med coding, can jag flytta till en storstad, och knulla alla möjliga tjejer, vilket är vad jag VERKLIGEN vill göra. Det är varför det är en bra idé att inte göra ingenjörslinjen. 

Why am i so nervous all the time? I shiver with thoughts of me beign homeless, thinking of the worst possible things that could happen to me, and wondering how I would handle them, when that time comes. Thinking about moving to a new place, and having no one, and living in my car. Thinking about trying to make new friends. It's annoying. It's making me stressed. Why am I so worried? There will always be a place for me, and eventually I will be able to find the things that I really want to do, and I will be able to show my excellence through those things. 

Maybe I should go and talk to Mr. Altschull. He was a programmer for 20 years, and he said that he did it for the money, until he got sick of it, and wanted to do something that made him happy instead, and so he became a French teacher. Maybe I could ask Altschull about advice on how I could make my future life decisions. 

Am i getting stuck in the cycle of doing things so that I can be better, so that my resume can look more impressive, without actually enjoying life along the way? Wouldn't I be happier as a biologist, if I could actually be out studying wildlife? Would it be too hard to get funding? How the fuck am I supposed to know if I don't try? I could try, and find out, or I could say "eh, it's probably too much work" and then just never even try. The reason I didn't go after it was becasue I thought it would be too much effort for a too little monetary reward. Why am I going after coding? Because it seems like a great monetary reward, with relatively little time input. It seems like a good option, becasue technology is in demand and powerful. It won't be hard to find a job. And it seems like it will be fun as well. But what about when AR and VR take over the world? Are we going to be living in a world without websites? Is everyone going to have VR glasses on, surfing the internet that way? Maybe it will change the structure of what it would be like to be a web designer, but coding should still be useful. Again, though, i don't really see what having an engineering degree would help me here. I guess, if the job market collapses, at least I would be in a good position to find a cool job, because the people hiring could validate me through my engineering degree... maybe I should go talk to Lutz about it, and ask her why she thinks it's so fucking important.

If you are going to go back to school, you had better have a very damn good reason, or there's no way you're going to stay in it through all the bullshit. You're just going to hop off again. 

I was trying to find a Wordpress theme that actually worked for a long time. Then I was trying to see if you could use the wordpress premium themes, becasue I thought Rowdy might have bought them. This is way too complicated, and it's a waste of my time to try and learn this Wordpress bullshit. It's not going to help me. I need to focus on html, javascript, css, react. Maybe I could do the Sopify 'buy' button on my website, instead of trying to do this Wordpres shit. I think wordpress might be intended only for blogs, that's why I'm having such a hard time making an art website on it. But it seems like other people are using it to sell stuff, what gives? I can't figure out how to position anything on wordpress, because of this stupid block model. How the hell am I supposed to position things? 

I've been sitting in starbucks now for almost 2.5 hours, and most of that time has been wasted on trying to figure out wordpress. I guess it wasn't a waste, becasue I have learned that wordpress is hard to use, and it seems to be even harder to figure out how to use. It's going to take too long for me to dick around with it and figure everything out. What am i to do? We could roll with the shopify 'buy' button. And we could just have users submit their art to one of us, using some kind of simple database structure, or maybe an API. We just need some kind of widget, to make it so that people can submit their art to RowdyArt, and then I can take it and put it on the website manually. This will be good initially, and then we will have to automate it eventually. But this might be the best choice there is. What else can I even do? I can't make a functional website using wordpress, maybe unless I spend too many hours figuring it out. I could try doing it on shopify? I could try using another website creation service? But for now, for the next hour, I will just focus on FCC and Colt Steele. 

I could see why Andrew thought that I should go rethink my life, since I said that I wanted to leave school so that I could work at festivals, when festivals are seemingly obviously a summer gig. Where would I be now if I had stayed in school? I would be knees deep in Calculus and C++, but I wouldn't have been discovering if the things that I really wanted to do were worthwhile pursuits. Like I am now. What could be better than this? I am learning what it's like to be a web developer, and I'm learning how to write code that's not super hard, and I'm learning what its' like to work at festivals, and to work with the production crew. I have a good life, and I'm in a good position. I'm learning how to sell on ebay. I'm learning more from reading books. I have options in life. I don't have to just stay in school. Once I get a job as a web developer, i can have total freedom. I can move anywhere I want to work. I can gain more expreience, I can freelance, I can be making money while also getting smarter (supposedly). I'm learning a skill that is somewhat useful, but who knows if it willl be around in 20 years. But does it matter? Like I was thinking last night, I don't think I want to be a web devloper forever. I'm just doing it right now, so taht I can experinece some freedom in my twenteis, instead of having to go back to school, to get into lots of debt, or to go back to sweden, and to get in debt, and to be in school. None of them sound liek a great option. But if I really do want to make that commitment to be an engineer, that is a choice that I should make later in life, when I have explored other possibilties, not now. 

So in essence, what Shawn said to me is starting to make sense, and I'm seeing why he said that I should do all kinds of different jobs  now, while I'm in my twenties. Shawn wants me to find out all the possibilities, before I make a commitment to one.

It seems like I can just study for hours and hours, now that I have gotten enough sleep. Maybe this is why it was so hard for me in school, becasue I was not sleeping properly? Maybe if I slept better, I could study physics for hours and hours? I guess I did sometimes, like when I was group studying with people. When I was studying with Angelina that once, at the end of the day, we studied for several hours on that calculus/physics problem.

It feels like, if I'm going to go back to school for engineering, that I have to go back to Sweden, because of how much faster I should be able to complete the degree, compared to the U.S. Not to mention how much less it should cost me.

Remember that time is limited, you can only make limited choices. This will help you make better choices -Derek Sivers
Do what's good enough. You don't want to stress over making the perfect choice. 

Be somewhat present-focused, but mostly future-focused. 
The people who are most happy are the ones who stay in the zone for the most in their life. 
Important in your life, is memories, and EVENTS. 
The meaning of life is memory, make memories. Don't get stuck in routine. Do something risky. Learn new things, move to new places, be able to do amazing stuff that creates memories for you. 
Life is communication. 
Stories create memory, and carry themes with them. What are events that you can remember? 
Life is happiness. How can you be happy. If you always ask yourself how you can be happy ,you will alwasy be miserable. 
Fixed vs growth mindset. Thinking 'I am good at something' or 'i am bad at something', thinking that it is FIXED. 
Growth mindset says that you can do anything with practice. 
Child test study, with questions that get harder. 50% gap in results on second try between two groups.
Life is love. Life is suffering. Life is nothing but replicating dna.
The audience chooses the meaning of the song. 
Derek had projected his meaning onto the symbols that he had learned. 
What does it mean taht all of your previous attempts at somehting have failed?
	It has no meaning at all. No inherent meaning. You project the meaning onto everything.
Life is just life. It has no meaning. You project the meaning onto life that suits you.
Remove the meaning of life that holds you back. 
Humans are 99% unused potential. The things you think you can't do, are becasue you have told yourself you can't do them. If you remove this projected meaning, you can do whatever you want in life. Have the growth mindset, you can just make gradual improvements over time.

What do I want to do in life. It's certainly not being an engineer or a web developer. I want to do amazing things. Working at festivasl as a response team might be one of those things. But I also want to have ability to buy stuff, to go places, to afford a lifestyle. Then I can use coding to do this. I can have both. Especially with coding, since it travels well. I have made good decsisions, becasue I have been true to myself, going to places that I want to go, and pursuing things that I want to pursue, with little regard to what others have told me they think I should do. Even though it's really hard to go against some people, like Mom, Dad, and Lutz, it's important for me to do that, because I am the one deciding what my life is going to be.

Maybe I could be an animator, someone who creates animations. Maybe I should just do this for fun. That sounds like it woul dbe fun. 

If nothing else, I'm doing coding, because if I want to have a day job, while I figure out somehting else to do in life, i want it to at least be this, and not something like working at starbucks. When I pull this off, it will give me a certificate showing that I am a badass, who can study on his own from the internet, and get a job from it. 

Maybe I SHOULD be a graphic designer. Maybe I should do something artistic?? ....... Be an artist..?..........I could be an artist and push stuff to social media. 

Meet engineers, and ask them if it was worth going to school. Ask them what day to day is like. Ask them what they do at their job. Ask them what they love, what they hate. Listen to EngineeredTruth videos about engineers. Go to career fairs where you can meet people who do different jobs. Take notes, record them, study them. Ask engineers if you can interview them. Have a list of questions you're going to ask them. Rememeber the tour you took of the wastewater plant? That was awesome. It felt so fresh and nice to be in that guy's presence, and to see all of the equipment that they were running. It is cool that he was in control of it all, in a way. I mean, he is there, maybe taking samples, making calculations, making phone calls, checking on stuff, correcting stuff, calling people to correct stuff, etc. It would be fun to do stuff like that, I think. It may be worth going to school for, if I can't think of anything better to do in life. But I would still like to work as a web developer first, just becasue I have come this far, there shouldn't be that much left to go. I should be able to complete it, it will be fun to do too. But will it be as fun as engineering? I don't know, but I don't have all the answers on what would be good for me to do with my life. If i go back to sweden, also, the degree i was going for was not for civil engineering, but for wastewater engineering. 

If i continue with web dev, I could eventually get good enough where I could do freelance work to help pay for college. Or at least, I could save up money, to pay for the college fees of the future, if I do decide to go back.

On the flip, maybe his job is super boring, and i wouldn't want to do it. But what i really feel like I'm missing out on is the large amount of opportunities that i believe having an engineering degeree would get me. I feel like you can work in lots of different fields, and do lots of cool stuff as an engineer. For example the people at nasa, get to do so many different cool things.

Mom was sad because Lutz was going to open doors for me, and she knew that i just had to do what this teacher said, and I would be successful. That's why she said that I should go back to school. It was hard for me to say goodbye to, and to give up all the guidance down this great path that she would have given, but i was following my intention, and it was my ABC, that couldn't have been changed. If my ABC was to go to school, i would still be there. I am focusing on the A-B-C of 'if i would have stayed in school in sweden, I would be done with my third semester now.' However, my ABC was not aligned with that, and that's why it didn't happen. If it had been aligned, then it would have worked out.

Om jag gjorde ett job som försäljning eller något annat var jag måste approacha-prata till folk hela tiden, särskilt något var jag får mycket rejection, skulle det bli mycket lättare att prata till tjejer. 

Sales might just be a fun game to be in. It's fun selling things on ebay, and getting a thrill from making that sale. It's not the same with an hourly wage, however, you might get a similar thrill from creating awesome programs and websites that work. Whichever one makes you happyer. Find what sets you on fire, and become tunnel vision.

Becoming good at sales would be an awesome challenge to overcome, it would help me in life, and it would help my communication skills. It would help me sell myself as a freelancer.

Every time you are doing something, you are sewing a seed of greatness, that will grow into a massive strong oak tree later in your life. Think of every day as you planting as many trees as you can, and in the future you will have a forest to play in.

My vision is that of freedom. That is the principle I am working towards. I am going to be free, I am going to be able to make money and travel, I am going to be able to live my youth instead of just being in school. 

Kom ihåg hur tjejer klär upp sig på festivaler. Dom vill ha dig. Kom ihåg det. Dom vill ha det lika mycket som du.

17 Dec 2019
My best course of action, to live in new places, and see the world, is to just move away. I can live in my car, do a situation like I was doing when working with Shawn: just working part time, studying the rest, and getting to be in a new place. I can go to florida, texas, barcelona: somewhere where the weather isn't too bad, and I can be homeless. I can just get away from this stupid hometown that i dont want to be in for some reason. It just feels like I'm wasting my life here. I'm just seeing the same things over and over, getting my time wasted by mom. Not getting to expeirence new places like I want to. It was stupid to move away from LA. I thought I wanted to work at festivals and events full time, but I think now that it is a dumbasses job. Not that it's not sort of cool, i just don't think that it's worth it. I would like to work at them sometimes, as a response team, or a screen operator, or something. I just don't feel like I am gaining anything by doing menial grunt work where I am not learning anything.

This coding is going to be boring as shit when I start working. Why can't I just find something fun to do with my life? I want to be interacting with people, I don't just want to be sitting at a fucking computer screen all day Goddamnit. Why can't I just fucking find something I want to do, and stop wandering around without a purpose?

I want to just get away from here. I want to go somewhere and not come back, where I don't feel like I have people and thought currents dragging me down? But who is dragging me down? Mom? Dad's thought currents? Those are hard to control, but other things are in my control, like choosing when and not to answer a stupid phone call from mom when she needs help. Before you start giving her long winded advice, ask yourself what she would be doing if you weren't there. 

It seems like such a goddamn shame to just be wasting life working, doing boring shit. Not living an exciting,  dangerous, awesome life. I know that it's possible, i just don't know what I could do to have a life like that, or what I want my life like that to look like. If it was up to me, I'd be at festivals, in my wizard robe, laughing with people and enjoying life all the time.

I just need to do something that pays good money and takes up not alot of time, so I can start building a life where I have some assets that make me income. I could continue with mom's online business, or my own ebay business. I just want to be able to do somehting cool. How can i create an avenue for that? It's like I just keep thinknig, and can never find an answer. That is the answer. I can't find the answer by thinknig, because I have already thought all of the thoughts. I need to be doing different things, to find what i like. If i just keep doing the same things, I am not going to find it. 

My schedule is like this: I need one or two days a week to work, and one or two days a week to help mom with her site/get food and laundry and cleaning done. That means I will spend 2-4 days a week working on making money or doing chores. This leaves 3-5 days a week to work on coding. So, depending on how much work and chores I do, I should get something like 12 to 20 hours a week of solid studying done, depending on how much I study. Since my good days seem to be going at about 4 hours a day, I will be happy with that. Hell, I will be happy with two or three. If I start getting bored, work on Rowdy or mom's website. That is easy to do, and time flies by. Take breaks to write algorithms. =)

So many people are so concerned with doing something great, that they end up doing nothing at all. If I am trying to think of the perfect comment to make to Rob, to ask about his coding, I will never make any commment at all, because I won't settle for anything less than great. If I am trying to make my approach to the girl good, I will never make any approach at all, because none of my approaches in my mind are ever good enough.

This may be the most free time I have in my life. Though that doesn't make alot of sense. As long as I keep my living expenses low, I can have alot of free time. If i live in my car, I will always have alot of free time.

Sex makes people feel good, liek their best selves. I don't know if humanity can achieve its greatest without consistent sex.

Maybe if I would have gone out och körde game i sverige, så skulle jag inte ha blivit så deprimerad och uttråkad att jag ville åka. Kanske det beror på att jag bara var i skolan hela tiden, att jag ville åka. Kanske jag blev bara för uttråkad. Allt som jag gjorde som var roligt var borta från livet - drawing, game, tjejer, att gå ut. Allt var bara skola, och jag kunde inte hinna ikapp ändå. Kanske jag ÄR mindre än average. 

Detta är livet. Du borde leva det varje dag. Du borde inte vänta på en senare tid för att njuta av det. Prata till tjejer, rita, DJa nu, vänta inte tills senare.

You need to take breaks. You can accept that. Find where you are taking too much time, that you would rather be spending on studying. Are you taking breaks too long? Are you doing things you shouldn't be doing. Can you be doing other productive stuff, that you can count as 'studying?'

The crazy thing about school is that you seem to lose 90% of what you learn over the long term. Only what you do repeatedly is what stays in your mind. So what is the point of learning it all. Is it just something to do? Are you really building on progression, or is it just a hurdle to jump to show that you're good enough for the workforce?

It seems like all this thinking I'm doing is not getting me that far. It's doing a fair job, but I've done so much concentrated thinking on the subject of my career, that it is evident to me that the only thing I can do to improve my situation is to go out and do things. Go out and talk to people who are doing what I want to be doing. Go do things that are like the things that I think I want to do. Go out and do new things. Find the things that I love the most, and figure out how I can monetize those things. Don't believe that you need to take part in the rat race, becasue as long as you belive that, you are losing.

23 Dec 2019

What is my argument for giving up going to school, as far as the option to work in the field goes? As an engineer, I could work in the field, couldn't I? That's not such a far off goal. Why didn't I keep pursuing that? What do I have to do that's better than that? I can't do any field work as a programmer. One of my only fundamental goals with a career was to be able to work in the field, and now I can't. 

I could be a pickup teacher. That would be doing good for everyone in the world, men and women. Each man that I would teach would have a lifetime of better choices, and the women in the world will benefit as well. 

Be happy about everything. Going to the grocery store. 

2 Jan 2020

It's a new year! And a new decade! Woohoo! I'm 25 and life is awesome :D I remember when I met those people at identity who were 25, I thouhgght they were so cool. Now I am so cool. Jag vill bli en webbdesigner, sedan vill jag kanske jobba som sjuksköterska (Nurse), och sedan vill jag bli ingenjör. Jag kan göra allt som jag vill i livet, om jag fokuserar på varje sak, när jag har det framför mig. Livet kommer bli bra, och min karriär kommer alltid att vara underbar =()

Jag börjar att tro att alla utom mig är idioter, som tycker att jag ska göra det som alla andra gör med sina liv: skaffa en fru, bo i ett hus, ha ett stadigt jobb, gifta mig, skaffa barn, plugga i skolan, ha ett bra betalt jobb, klättra corporate stegen. Lutz, pappa, mamma, och nu även Payaam, verkar alla att tro att detta är bara den självklara vägen som alla måste ta. Dom förstår inte att där finns bättre sätt att leva livet, och dom tror att jag kommer bara bli en loser. Dom tror att jag kan inte göra något av mig själv. Dom tror att jag kommer att aldrig skaffa mig utbildning, aldrig 'växa upp' och ta ett tråkigt "adult" liv. Det sista har dom rätt i. Det kommer jag aldrig att göra. Dom tror att att ha en tjej för hela livet, att jobba bara för sin karriär, är poängen med hela livet. Dom vet att om någon inte följer inom den där gränsen, kommer dom vara en loser. Jag tror jag förstår varför dom tänker så. Dom är bara oroliga om mig. På samma sätt som Shawns mamma var orolig om honom, när han ville börja sin business. Dom här människorna kan inte förstå friheten av att bo i sin bil, att jobba tre dagar i veckan, att leva på 300 dollar i månaden. Dom förstår inte att livet har så mycket nya aventyrer att exploarera. Dom förstår inte vilken sorts riktig glädje där finns i att träffa folk på festivaler. Dom har en begränsning på livets glasögon, och det är inte så konstigt egentligen, att dom säger till mig att jag inte gör rätt med mitt liv. Dom är säkra på att jag gör fel. Detta är varför man får inte "lyssna på the naysayers". Dom gör inte det bara för att nedtrycka dig, och för att vara bättre än dig. Dom gör det för att lyfta upp dig. 

Kanske Bob hörde från Shawn att jag skulle plugga på egen hand, och ville gå och jobba på festivaler. Jag vet inte varför han sade det, om "when youre ready to join the adult world". Kanske jag ska fråga honom nästa gång vi pratar. 

7 Jan 2019

I feel like I'm wasting my life, not gaming. Jag vill gå ut och träffa tjejer varje dag. Jag känner som mitt liv skulle vara mycket mer lyckligt om jag gjorde det. Jag känner mig som, varje dag som jag inte gör det, så förlorar jag chanser att ha ett bättre liv. James och Brittany frågade vad min 'plan' var, när jag var färdigt med plugget. När jag söker innerst inne i mig, mitt plan är att gå på så många festivaler som möjligt, och knulla så många tjejer som jag bara kan. Jag vill också ha en DJ booth på min skåpbil eller något, på musikfestivalen. Jag satsar på att lära mig code, för att jag kan förverkliga dom där drömmarna, om jag har pengar att använda, och jag bara bor i min skåpbil. Det är min dröm. Jag känner mig ofta som jag inte pluggar tillräckligt, men jag har ingen fast vision. Arnold sade, ha en mål, och en vision, och något som driver dig, även om det är bara att knulla tjejer. Bara att prata till tjejer, det känns som det är det bästa jag kan göra med livet. Varje gång jag håller på och pluggar och inte vill plugga, tänk på att ju mer du pluggar, ju snabbare kan du flytta in i din skåpbil, gå på 10 festivaler varje år, och knulla hundratals tjejer. Jag vill bara det mer än något annat. Allt jag vill göra är gå ut och lära mig att ragga bättre, att ta hem nya tjejer hela tiden. Jag vill bli bra på game, som Tyler snackar om. Efter 4:e eller 5:e året, det blir bara helt otroligt Epic. Det kommer ju att ta mig 5 års koncentrerad övning för att komma upp till nivån som jag vill komma till, och det kommer att ta tid. Men jag kan komma dit. Problemet är att jag inte gamear tillräckligt nu, tror jag. En del av mig önskar jag var fortfarande i Sverige, så att jag kunde gå ut och ragga på tjejer på drottninggatan. Men om jag bara flyttar till en annan storstad, var där finns mer människor, så kan jag gå ut och göra det hela tiden. Även om jag var bara i Santa Cruz, så skulle jag kunna gå ut och träffa massor med tjejer på stranden eller något. Det är bara svårt att hitta wings. Jag måste hitta några stabila wings, i ett område nära mig, som jag kan gå ut med och ragga tjejer med. Då kan mina drömmar bli förverkligad. Där finns inget bättre i livet än att knulla nya tjejer. Det är vad vi är här för att göra. Det är vad alla män vill göra. Vi vill bara knulla alla möjliga tjejer hela tiden. Det är kul att ha en flickvän också, men jag vill mest bara gå och ha massor med sex. 
	Men jag borde också lyssna på Brittany. Hon vill ju gå ut och göra trekanter med mig, så jag borde göra det med henne. Hon är en sexuell freak, och jag kan göra mycket spännande sexgrejer med henne. Jag vill gå ut och knulla andra tjejer med henne, och det skulle vara mycket bra övning.

Vad om jag bara slösar min tid, och jag borde bara gå och få ett jobb på starbucks, bo i min bil, och ragga på tjejer?

Don't forget to be happy every day for what you have. It's good to have goals, but its' bad to forget that your life is amazing already, and you're lucky that you get to do all of these awesome things :D

Remember that when you've studied for 30 mins or an hour or two, studying becomes much easier. and you often just want to keep going.

Don't forget to do things that you love, that make life awesome and happy. Going out and talking to girls, drawing, painting, reading, djing, playing with the arduino. Don't forget to do these thigns. Having fun will help you progress. It's like that Derek Sivers thing, where he biked in 45 minutes instead of 43. 

9 jan 2019
When I'm choosing to watch porn and jerk off, or to watch youtube stupids, I'm choosing to be poor, and to work at a shitty job, and to waste more of my time doing work that I don't want to do. When I'm reading, coding, posting on linkedIn, advancing mom's business, etc, I am choosing to be rich. I am choosing to be able to travel, to go to many festivals, till att knulla många tjejer, till att ha en rejält liv.

15 Jan 2020 

Derek Sivers said "don't be a donkey". I don't think I'm even considering going back to school for engineering right now, I just keep thinking about it becasue Mom, Dad, Lutz, and Andrew all said that I should. I guess alot of people will say stuff like that. It's like Arnold and Shawn said: You have to be able to be confident in your own decisions. Shawn's mom told him that he was ruining his life when he started his business. Arnolds acquaintences told him that he could never be a big star. Both of them just ignored the Naysayers, and found their own success. I can't go back to school now, it would not make any sense. Although I enjoy school, I have made a plan now, to work as a web developer first. Not that I can't change my plans, but I made this plan for a good reason: I want to have the freedom to live in new places and travel, while I'm still in my twenties. It's not an unreasonable goal. I would like to have some real independence and freedom before I turn 30. It's not a crazy thing to desire. It's a totally normal thing to desire. It's what everyone desires. I can have it. I am in the perfect position. I can live in my car, and just save up a ton of money. I could even buy a rental property with the down payment that I will save up from working as a web dev. Then school would pay for itself. However, if I do go to school, I think my income would not qualify me for FAFSA, at least for the first year. So I should be putting aside $7000 for that first year's tuition. I guess this would be worth it, considering how much money I should be making, and what I can do in my free time. Learning to be a Web Developer was not a dream of mine that I had for a long time, but I think it will be awesome. I'm enjoying it very much, and it ties in with STEM stuff that I like to do. Who knows, maybe I will end up going back to school on company money, to get a better degree. 

I just keep getting this feeling that many of my close family think I'm going to be a failure if I don't go to school. It's easier to listen to them, than it is to listen to those people who are on my side, but I see the light in those people. Brittany, Benjamin, Rowdy, Ingrid!. I can always go back to school if I need to in the future, and I will. I guess there could be things that happen that would prevent me. Like if mom gets sick, and I have to take care of her, or pay for her mortgage? But if we can get mom's house rent-ready, we can make sure that her retirement is paid for. I should go over her bank statements, her income and expenses with her. We can make a balance sheet together, and I can show her on paper what she could do, if she saves up all of her money from renting out this house. We could even build an ADU in place of the garage, and get even more money out of it. We have total control. That's why this time is so sweet, I have the opportunity to do anything. I could help my mom secure her financial future, by getting her home rent-ready. I can learn web development, and move anywhere I want, and live any kind of life that I want, for many years, until I want to go back to school and finish my degree. I could even take one C++ class every semester while I'm working as a Web Dev, and that way get even closer to graduating! That sounds like it would be an aweseome idea actually. 

I do miss being in sweden. I was just thinking of when I was back there, when I was in T-centralen, trying to find the pendeltåg. I asked two nice swedish tunnelbana assistants where to go. They were all smiley and happy. It seems like alot of stuff in Sweden is all smiley and happy. It seems like a really nice great happy place. I wish it wasnt so dark. Id probably still be there, and Id almost have my degree by now. How did I get into this position? I would have never quit school if I would have thought that I could finish it in three years. I feel like Im just wasting time now. I feel like im doing stupid side projects, getting distracted by them or getting sucked into them. I really am getting depressed by it. It fucking is annoying me. I dont want to spend all my time doing other peoples home improvement fucking projects. This LED thing for mom was supposed to be a quick fix, and of course its taken several days to do. On top of that, I had to help dad do the snaking and now the heating insulation. This shit is retarded. I feel like the only way to avoid it is to just move the fuck away from here. I dont want to help mom with her bullshit. Any money she saves, she is just going to throw away anyway. I want to get out of here. Im worried about whats going to happen when mom and dad cant work anymore, and me and natasha have to take care of them. 

I just want to go away and not come back. i want to go start my own life. Ive been spending my whole life in school or living at home. Its no wonder i want to go live somewhere else. this is my chance. I dont have to go to school for engineering (though if i did do that, i would transfer eventually, and get to get the hell out of moms house) but I can go anywhere I want, live in my car, and just study web dev. You think im going to stay here then? Fuck no im not. Im going to go anywhere else but here. I dont care if Brittany doesnt come with me. I just want to be on my own, away from everything. I feel like my life is burning away here, and like im one of those people who just lets it burn away one day at a time, and then we wake up one day and everything is gone. I hate it. I hate living here with mom and having all of her high strung bullshit stress me out every day. Im listening to her train the dog right now and it makes me want to punch through a wall. I fucking hate it here. I hate being around mom. I dont care where I go. Anywhere is better than here. I just want to be out of here. I dont care if its goign to make mom sad. Shell get over it. Im not going to suck my life away just so that i can keep her company. This is such a waste of my fukcing time, it makes me more sick every day. 

I hate being in this town that I grew up in. every day that im in this town, its marking that i am a failure, who couldnt get out of here. I could still be in LA right now. That would be better. It really sucks being here. Anywhere but here. I just want to be away from here. It makes me sick being here every day. Moms cheery attitude doesnt help. Im giving up on trying to feel good here .The only solution is for me to leave. Im getting angry and depressed being here. Ive been here way too long. Im going to leave soon after Natasha comes back. 

(4:52 pm 28 jan 2020) 

If everything falls through, I always have the option of going back to school. And it would be a good option. I wouldn't have to have debt. I would get free money from the government for food and for healthcare. I would get money from school for the Pell Grant for a year, and then I could probably get more scholarships if I apply. I have nothing to worry about. I am doing web dev as an escape from having to spend 5 to 10 years in school to work a decent job. I need to be able to make some kind of good money, so that I can build some investments and take care of my family, and my future family. I am staying this course for now so that I can live and work remotely, and travel the US in my van, while having a stimulating job that pays well. 

(31 jan 2020)

I think building robots would be awesome. That's why I should finish building the robot with brittany, and that's why i should go back to school and get a degree in engineering or computer science. Try first to do more stuff with arduino. Build hardware and program it. Solder microchips together. 

(1 february 2020) 

I am proud of myself for quitting school to work on webdev.

(4 feb 2020) 

Just be 100% positive. You didn't quit school for no reason. You did it because you felt like you needed to. If you want to go back, no one is stopping you, you could go back any day of the week. It's great that you came back, because school is not that expensive, you could live in your car here, and you don't have to pay high student living costs. The government will pay for your tuition also, because you don't make so much money. It's great that you came back, becasue you met Brittany. You got to work at festivals, and see more what it was like, and quickly learned that it was not something you wanted to do full time. You got to learn about coding from Brittany, you got to start a new path. You got to meet Lutz, and get inspiration from her. You got to meet Brittany's dad. You got to start talking to your dad again. You got to go to LA and work with Shawn. All of these wonderful things. Now you will get to move to anywhere you want in the U.S., and study remotely. You will get to travel, just like you wanted to, while you're still in school. Time is a-wastin. Don't spend it all here! Tell Brittany and Natasha that you need to go somewhere, and just go. You still have 75 years of your productive life, out of 80. That's 94%. That's almost the whole thing. You aren't in a rush, even if you do want to travel and chase girls, you have your whole life to do it. Even if you will be older, it will still be great. 

You quit school becasue you wanted to try to go work at festivals. 
You are awesome becasue you're giving so much thought to your life, and your career!! 
You didn't go back to school, becasue you thought it would take 6 years at least to finish engineering school. That could still be true, since you need to do at least 2 years for mathematics before you transfer, and then at least 2 at the upper level (probably more, since they're counting 15-18 units per semester), so really your guess was not far off. 

You wanted instead to try something that would take 2 years to break into the industry. It's not a trivial difference. You wanted to be able to be free faster. You wanted some years to be able to travel and to go work at festivals, and to see different parts of the world. It wasn't a problem for you to wait 6 years, or even 10 years to finish school. You were ready to do it, like a boss, but you decided to do this first instead. You will do this for a while, and when you want to you will go back to school, and there will be nothing stopping you, becasue if there's one thing in life that I will not accept, it's living with a career or lifestyle that I don't love. 

There's nothing wrong with the decisions you made. Sure, maybe it was a negative attitude that made you want to leave Sweden, but you've learned from that now. Sure, maybe it was becasue you never had sunshine there, but you can go to school in the USA instead, who cares? What difference will it make? In fact, you'll be able to make connections here in the country where you plan to work for most of your life (supposedly). SO it's a goood thing. 

You enjoy doing web development, and it's been a great learning experience. Remember what Shawn said, that you should do as many jobs as possible when you're in your 20s. 

What is your goal really, when you get a job as a developer? Are you going to want to freelance right away? Are you going to try and get a job working in a new state, maybe on the east coast? Are you going to start investing in rental properties with your new income? Are you going to save your money and go throw super ass banger  DJ bus parties at festivals in the summer? 
	-Start your own clothing sewing business in your free time.
	- DJ professionally in your free time
	- 

Remember how Brittany said that she thought you would be happy if you got a job, not if you went back to school. I believe she is right. Just be 100% positive, and your plans will always win. You have the rest of the majority of the day, and the rest of the majority of your life, to do all of the amazing things you want to do. You will go back to school and learn civil or mechanical engineering one day, and you will build amazing awesome machines, toys, and structures for people at festivls.

I feel like my ultimate goal of building structures at festivals is a good one, but I should go out and try to do this more. I should work with Marcelo more, so that I can find jobs doing this kind of stuff. I will be doing stuff like what he is doing, and having some more experience with him will allow me to more easily join people who are building structures. But maybe builidng structures won't be as cool as I thought it would. It will be okay though. 

Dont forget about your goal of working on the jobsite, working in the field as a civil engineer, going around and taking measurements, checking plans, creating plans, making sure that all of your plans are in order. This still sounds awesome to me, even if the fools on engineeredtruth try to make it sound boring. I should go and shadow civil engineers who do this kind of work already. I should do internships that will give me more exposure to this. I remember the woman at the interview I went to in Fairfield said that there was a ton of field work that engineers do. 

It's incredibly awesome that you've been blessed to be able to do all of this learning, in all of these different fields. It's awesome that all you want to do is keep learning new things. It's amazing that you're interested in STEM, and that you want to pursue awesome things in the STEM field.

It's great that you've quit, because it just gives you a viewpoint, back to the things that you've tried out. If you'd never quit engineering, you wouldn't know that you still want to do it, even after you've stopped. There's something about it that seems to call to me. Hopefully I am right about it. I can find out by continuing with school, and continuing with internships. The more learning and skills I have, the more awesome I become. As long as I have a positive attitude, it doesnt' matter what happens. Think about it, my story is that I've been going to school for 7 years. I wanted to find the best thing for me, the field that I love that I am the most interested in. It took me a long time, but I never gave up, even though I had to switch through 5 different fields. I took a break from school to do Web Development, where I would take the free time I had to reflect on my education, and think about what was most important to me. I would take this time to travel, to build out my van, and to go and live wherever I wanted to for a while. Then I would come back and begin my journey towards my engineering degree again. It's all so wonderful, and I'm so happy that I get to do it all. Coding has given me a wonderful new view on STEM, and I love it. Web development has been incredibly fun, and I'm proud of myself for pursuing it in self-study, like I have. 

You are hard on yourself, and it makes it harder for you to work, and to get up in the morning. Don't be hard on yourself. Love yourself, and love all the things you've accomplished. You are doing an amazing job. You are going to do amazing things, and you are going to succeed at anything you want to. You will finish this Web Development program at the university, then you will begin taking classes At Cabrillo for web development, if you haven't gotten a job yet, or maybe even if you have. You will continue to learn and grow as much as you can, and you will do amaizng things. 


)10 feb 2020)

What am I going to regret not doing when I'm older?

Det ända jag kan tänka på är att jag inte gick ut och knullade nog med tjejer, eller att jag inte gick på nog med festivaler, eller att jag inte försökte starta min egen business kanske. Jag vill inte ha något mer än att gå ut och försöka träffa och knulla så många tjejer som möjligt. Det låter helt underbart. Och sedan gå på så många festivaler som möjligt. 

Att jag pluggar till webbdesigner kommer att göra att jag får göra just det. Jag kan vandra runt och leva i min bil. Och jag får även chansen att göra det redan nu, för att se hur jag gillar det.

Jag är lite rädd att åka, och förvirrad om var jag vill gå, men det är en bra del av äventyret. Kanske jag kan gå till Portland och jobba för ett tag innan jag åker till New York. 

Jag borde ju gå och jobba med Marcello och killarna för att tjäna lite pengar som kan hjälpa mig med resan. Det skulle vara bra att flytta till ett närmare ställe, för att det skulle inte kosta så mycket att åka dit, och det är lättare att komma hem när jag vill. 

I would really like to go live in Barcelona. That would be like the best option. But I feel like I need to get a job first. 

12 feb

Instead of thinking "what if I can't?", think "what if i CAN??"

(14 Feb 2020) 

I remember MArk Berrett said that you can make big money with mathematics and programming combined, and he said taht you can go either the stats or the calculus route. Since business has more money than engineering, stats will pay better, but engineering will (probably) be more fun. 

(17 feb 2020)

I feel like web development is not a big enough goal for me. I feel like with engineering i could be doing greater things. But who knows, spreading information and technology is also very powerful. Maybe it could be even more powerful than working on some civil projects. 

I wanted to get an engineering job so that I could have a good income so I would have the freedom to go work at festivals. That's not what i want to do anymore. I still would like to work at festivals, but probably only as a part time thing. 

(18 feb 2020)


maybe i can change my reasoning for learning to code from 'i want to get out of school quickly' to 'this is the most fun i've ever had learning a subject, and the job market is 2-3 times as good as engineering... supposedly...'

I feel like a moron because Lutz, Mom, Dad, Andrew, NASA people, make me feel like I am a moron for dropping out of school. Like the only good option for me is to go back to school. I can go back to school if I want to, and I can get a CS degree if I want to, or i can get an engineering degree if I want to, but I don't fucking want to. They want me to. I want to get a programming job and go live on the east coast or in barcelona and go out and pick up girls every weekend. They want me to spend 6 more years in college to get an engineering degree. Even if this takes another full year and a half of study to get a job, I will still have taken the short road to a career that's just as good as engineering, if not better. 

Do what Shawn told you: Take a couple classes each semester. In a few years, you'll be ready to transfer. You can slowly save up the units, since you're going to finish being a web developer before you go back to school. You can take classes like C++ and Intro to CS, that you need for the degree anyway (or do you...?). You can take that history class that you need to get out of the way. You can do these things while you are in school for the Sweden program that you want to finish. Once you're done with that, you can advance with programming courses in Java or C++ at the CC. You can finish calc 1 and 2, and you can tutor physics, like you were supposed to. Tutoring physics would be a great idea, and it would give you some extra money, while it will make you learn alot and stay on top of your game in physics. It would be better not to let physics slip away, so you don't have to repeat it. That way when the time comes, you can be better prepared for the courses you need to take.

I kept saying that I have nothing to lose by taking time off of engineering degree, but I actually don't believe that anymore. I am losing my knowledge of physics as the days go by. However I don't necessarilly need to tutor physics or go back to school to keep my knowledge current. As long as I practice physics problems a few times a week, I should be good. This will help my logical thinking, and will help me to remember the things that Lutz taught us. And when it's time to go back to school, I will have the pistol on my hip and be ready to go. 

It's annoying that I got sidetracked to programming. I don't really know why it's annoying, since it seems very fun and useful. I guess i was just hoping that i would finish my degree. It's a great regret of mine that I haven't finished a bachelor's degree yet. However that's okay, becasue all of my training is leading up to it. I have been slowly gaining technical knowledge all of my life, and all of it is going to work towards my end goal. All of my knowledge and experience is going to help push me forward to the goal. 

I have to do web dev, or i won't know what it was like to do it, and i would think what if. Thats the same reason i had to leave and do it. Stop worrying about it. You're going to have sucess, beacuse you want it so bad. But maybe thats not even really what you want..

20 feb 2020
 I want to not go back to school so i can focus on djing so i can be in the zone and full of energy like bassnectar taking the family photo at eclipse.

(26 Feb 2020)

Lutz wants me to be one of the guys who writes the programming languages, instead of one of the guys who uses them. I want to be one of those guys too, but first I want to go out and explore life, before I get that serious about a career. Is it a bad move of me to go and do this? Could I get serious about a career while also being free? I want to just bum around and live in my van for a while, before I settle into something that I'm going to give all of my heart into, and that's going to require alot of commitment and responsibility from me. That seems perfectly rational to me. 

(3 March 2020)

How can I make deadlines for myself? If I set them for myself I might break them, but is it better to not try at all? I will set deadlines for myself, and it will make me take action in allotted time. It has worked before, even if it has also failed before. I have a deadline of moving to Oregon by March 14th. My last day in Vallejo can be Sunday, 15 March, and then I leave on monday. That means it's time to begin packing, looking at map, ordering cooking supplies, planning how to store my propane tank, planning on where to go to. Telling Brittany and Dad and Mom and Natasha. Working for Brittany's dad to save up some extra money. Planning how to say my goodbyes to Brittany. I could also work for mom to save some extra money. Its sort of a shame that I am not going to work at Lucidity with Ben and them, but I feel that I would rather drive up to Oregon and work on programming than stay down here, and then drive down to LA, and spend several days there working gigs, standing in the same spot for many hours a day. I have the money I need, barring some large emergencies. All I have to do is get ready and go. I need to come up with a price to charge Brittany's dad, and help him to fix his garden. Then I can have an extra little cushion to travel with. It will pay for the gas for the whole trip there and more. 

(6 march 2020)

it will be harder for me to get a job here in the bay, which is why it's great that I don't plan to live here. Someone on reddit said that it's harder to break into silicon valley, because everyone wants to work there. It will be much easier in a place that has a tech presence, but is not as high status (seattle?, Austin?) because employers can't afford to be as picky. 

(8 March 2020) 

You don't need to be scared about what dad's going to say to you. If you have to tell him you are going to sleep in your car and live on welfare, then tell him. But you're not obligated to tell anyone anything. You're not here to be a boy telling him everything about your life. You're not here for fun. You're here for a small periodic maintenance of a part of your life that you deem best to have existant. You will tell him you're moving, you are going to work part time, you are getting some money from school, and you are moving in with some friends. That's all he needs to know. Any other questions can be dismissed. You don't need to lie. You will just tell him all that he has to know. You don't need to be nervous about this. You are a grown person and you can do as you please. You will get a job coding and make money. Only after that will you consider going back to school. 

(23 Mar 2020) 

Why would I not go back to school right now? Part of me really wishes that I had just stayed in Sweden, so I could get this headache of a degree over with. Maybe I would feel better though if I had a job? I can always go back to Sweden, it's not like I really lost any time or anything. Maybe a lil. I would be there, and now this would be the second semester of year two. Soon enough the end of the program will be rearing and I could have been done. Is what I'm doing really worth not moving myself towards my degree? It's a torturous constant feeling of not knowing what I should be doing. But I guess that's what school does, is it gives you the comfort to think you are moving along the right path. Henry, Mom, Dad, Andrew of the Guardians, Lutz, they all say that going to school is a good idea. And one day, I probably will want to have a degree. One day maybe I will want to take a job that I need a degree for. But Harry Browne says that you shouldn't make long term commitments unless you're absolutely sure that they will lead you to something that will make you truly happy. I'm not sure that spending all that time to get an engineering degree will make me truly happy. I mean look at me, I can't seem to spend more than a year working towards a specific career path. 

Why did you leave school in the first place? You didn't want to commit 4 to 10 years to become an engineer. This is a perfectly reasonable reason to leave school for. The only thing that you are thinking now is that it would be good to have a degree, and you think it would make your life easier, and that it would make you more money. It would make you more money, but will you be truly happier, after completing that degree? You will now be certified to be an employee in a technical field. Is that what your true dream is? Your true dream is to be free - to travel, to have lots of sex with many different women, to explore the world, to work at festivals. Your dream is to be around happy colorful fun people all the time. Your dream is to make beautiful artworks, clothing, structures. Your dream is hardly to be working crunching numbers with other people who suck at socializing. However, it would be cool to be  involved in building cool buildings. I could maybe even use the knowledge to become a festival structure engineer. Talk about low competition? 

But why did I leave school? I wanted to pursue my dream. I wanted to see if I could work at festivals and be happy with it.