quiet.md

quiet.md

Chapter 1:

• We live in a world with teh extrovert ideal, we see "extroverts" as smarter, more capable, etc. But research shows that htis is not true.
• There's inherent bias against introverts -- just like a woman in man's world.
• Some of the biggest discoveries were made because of their introversion, not despite.
• Class rooms are increasingly designed for extroverts, overconfident professors are more likely to get funding.
• Introverts are better in negotiation in their own way: they think more, they make strong stances sound smoother -- make the conversation more collaborative.
• Introverts vs extroverts: less talking, more thinking, more collaborative, prefer less social stimulus, prefer writing to reading, don't like small talk.
• shy and introvert is different

Chapter 2:

• The world more and more entered the extrovert ideal: the history behind it covered this in this chapter.
• Tony Robbins's seminar (UPW) focuses on why it's important to be extroverted; and it focuses on how being an introvert costs you.
  • Even after paying 895$, they sell more expensive items.
• HBS: predicated on extroversion. No one's quite.
  • Teaches: Don't work alone. Spend time socializing. Building extensive social circle.
  • Endorses quick assertive answers over thoughtful.
• We see talkers are leaders, and quick talkers are smarter. Students who talk first are given higher ratings even though they're not smarter.
• People get confused a lot about: actual substance vs presentation skills.
• But most of the effective leaders are introverts. quite, shy, humble, etc. These are the guys who get ahead.
• What leads to this difference in introverts and extroverts?
  • Grant: extroverted leader are better with passive employess, introverted leaders are better with proactive employees.
  • Introverted leaders think more deeply, don't care about credit and give tasks to the person most suited -- motivates people to work harder (based by experiments)
  • Introverted leaders do better at encouraging employees to take initiative.
• "connectors" from the tipping point book; connect well with people naturally -- they're fun to be around.
• introverts do better in hte online world: they share things better on social media.

Chapter 3: collaboration kills creativity

• Wozniak got ideas from public meeting and then spent time in person building them. He didn't build in a group, he did it alone. He described this time as the "biggest high ever"
• "Artists + engineer style works best alone. Work alone if you want to build something great" - Woz
• More creative people are introverts. The quite personality fuels creativity. Solitude is important for innovation.
• The new group think idea, that ideas are better when we work together, kills creativity. This is being embraced by more and more organizations.
• Great scientists are introverts.
• A significant majority of the early computer enthusiasts are introverts.
• Anders Ericsson: the best violonists have the most time practicing alone. college students who learn alone make more progress.
• For deliberate practice, you have the have agency over the moves so that you learn. If you're doing this in groups, your learning is deteriorated.
• Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi: top performers were on social margins during adolesence because of their "intense curiosity or focused interest that seems odd to their peers"
• Woz was stayed home to work on his cool projects because he was introverted. So his deep practice and genius came from being introverted, not despite.
• Study: top coders have private workspaces. excessive stimulation impedes learning.
• The book talks about how having someone else sit next to you when working interrputs and reduces your productivity. This is inline with how I feel about work.
• Study: Group brainstorming doesn't actually work. caveat: can be made to work online
• "If you have talented and motivated people, they should be encouraged to work alone when creativity or efficiency is highest priority"
• why does it fail?
  • socail loafing
  • evaluation apprehension: doesn't let us think fully because of the fear of judgement.
  • production blocking
• but collaboration is important: writers block can be avoided by sitting in a cafe, we need to have extra quite time for introverts to produce their best work.

Chapter 4: nature or nurture?

• study: it's genetic. infants to react to small stimulus when they're young are more likely to be introverts when they're older. same stimulus moves introverts more.
• it's 40-50% genetic.
• introvert empathize better, and feel more guilty when they hurt others.
• introverts are more vulnerable to have emotional problems.
• best parents for introverts: stern but not harsh, respects your individuality, can read your cues, promotes self control, acadamic acheviement, etc.
• you can stretch your personality a a little bit from your genes, but not too far. Bill Gates can never be steve jobs, he's an introvert.
• The prefrontal cortex can override the hardwired amygdala to some extent, but hte amygdala is what it is.
• extroverts who socialize more and don't study -- suffer.
• people who can talk well impromptu are extroverts, they can do this because their brain works differently. introverts can write better reports.
• theory: humans chase the right level of stimulation, not too much, not too little

Chapter 5:

• introverts adn extrovert needs different levels of stimulation to perform optimally in life.
• introverts are aroused by lower sounds (measure by heart rates); when introverts are forced to used exrtroverts sound levels, their performance deteriorates.
• pick environemnts that are "optimal levels of arousal" -> that works best for you.
• spend as much time as possible in this sweet spot to perform at your best.
• introverts can't perform optimally in public settings because they are outside of their sweet spot of arousal
• There are psychological limits on how we act. (if you socialize in the morning, you won't have energy to deliver talk in the afternoon)

chapter 6:

• couple fail to understand each other when their "optimal stimulation level" is different for each other.
• Majority, but not all introverts are, "sensitive people". Alternative word to highly reactive (introverts). They can go on long drives without using a radio.
• People tend to feel that these kinds of qualities are a flaw and that no one is going to like us.
• catalogued 27 attributes for people who are introverts: they're more philosophical, creative, notice subtle elements in environment, they think more deeply (and hence don't enjoy small talk), they're very empathic, better mirror neurons, feel more guity, high moral traits, less alcohol abuse, etc.
• introverts can be found by looking at their gene profile.
• alcohol increases our optimal arousal level: reason why we're more extroverted.
• being introvert, being shy when making a mistake, embarassment, makes other people like you more.
• why did introverts survive through evolution? as it helps think closely before acting.
• nomads are extrovert (can be seen in their genes)
• extroverts: exercise more, more adultry, more crimes, etc.
• politics has more extroverts: they need higher level of stimulation to listen. which is why they didn't take climate change seriously when al gore brought it up. Hence, al gore created rucus in the media to get people's attention.
• sensitive people tend to talk softly: because that's want thye want people to talk to them like.

Chapter 7: how introverts and extroverts think differently

• "reward sensitivity" - people who are more sensitive to rewards are unreasonable risk takes.
• extroverted are more reward sensitive, introverts are much more risk-averse, and disciplined with investments.
• extroverts have more pleasure when they gain something. they feel more pleasure.
• extroverts dopamine reacts more to win. the brain lights up when they win. they get too excited.
  • Q: this is in conflict with the idea that introverts are the ones who're more reactive!
• study: introverts slow down when they make mistakes, where as extroverts speed up. this is good for introverts, they learn more.
• Study: introverts predict college performance more than cognitive ability
• introverts are more patient, when alone they spend more time wondering about things. extroverts focus more on their environment.
• Persistence based tasks are much better for introverts.
• introvertion vs extroversion doesn't predict performance on sales calls, because introverts are calm and lsitening more; extrovert speak well, but might be distracted.
• we, in the world, don't value the importance of introversion; it's a key skill if you want to learn quick and perform well.
• flow happens when you become independent of your environment, and not respond to it's rewards and punishments. it's more of a introvert quality; it's easier for introvert to get into this state because they're already robust to distractions in their environemnt.
• Suggestions for introverts: trust your gut, stay true to your nature. work slowly on the things htat you enjoyum don't let other people make you feel that you ned to race. being unmoved by rewards is a super power, use it to become your best self.
• introvert need to trust their gut and share their ideas more extensively. don't let the world be filled with what the extroverts have to say. honor your style.
• Don't be swayed by a person's extroversion as a sign of smartness, most people make htat mistkae, be on gaurd so that you don't make it.
• warren buffet was an introvert and focused on persistence and learning, and not being swayed by the crowds. he was anxious of public speaking until he took the dale carnagie course.
• Part of asians > whites for education can be explained by them being more introverted.
  • the dad's job is to program and the kids job is to study
  • they prioritize studies over playing football
  • introversion is actually seen as good
  • teach your kid that quite learning is okay.
• asia is introverted, europe is extriverted, US is over extroverted
• it's better to be quite than talk - Lao Tzu
• the cultural differences can be seen in the quotes that these place appretiate.
• Asain's are seen a full unit, and ready to compromise for the greater good. US see itself as individuals and hence act in their own itnerests.
• Asian's are polite, straightforwardness seems rude to them.
• Gandhi's an introvert, wasn't able to communicate well unless he writes. Restraint was one of his greatest assests, he picked his battled carefully.
• Quality: "quiet persistence" -- determines excellence. Being quite helps a lot when you want to learn. Quiet people are better as they spend more time learning than talking. They can be more persistent in the things that they do.

Chapter 9: when should you act being an extrovert

• Prof. Brain Little who would the nobel prize of university teaching: someone who can seem like an extrovert while teaching is an introvert, and likes spending a lot of quite time.

  • He's so introverted that he could fall ill if he's forced to spend too much time outside (or in a situation involving conflict).
  • Understanding his limits (if you socialize in the morning, you won't have energy to deliver talk in the afternoon), he took every chance to avoid it.

• Person-situation debate

  • a person can be inherently introverted
  • no, it depends on the situation. a person is introverted only in situation X, Y, and Z. he won't be introverted in other situations. these social masks themselves are our true selfs.

• How do you as an introvert decide if you have to push yourself to be an extrovert or stay true to yourself? Or how do you decide which combination of the two you need to take? Brain Little tells us that:

  • Free trait theory: we have a core personality trait, and we can out of character in service of "core personal projects" (eg. throw extroverted wife a surprise party)
  • So it's okay to take up new personalities when we're fulfiling these core projects.

• But can we really act out of character like this?

  • Yes, and you can get better at it once you start pretending. You can do that by getting better at "self-monitoring": ability to change your behavior based on social cues.

• If we can, should we?

  • Doing it a little is good, over-doing is disastrous.
  • Doing is for a project you care about is less draining. Doing is for a limited time is less draining.

• So find your true values, see what things you naturally inclined towards, see who you envy (that's an indicator of what you value)

• Find jobs that give you the flexibility and time to do restorative activities such as writing. Find job that has less meetings, and private enough space where you can work in. Is the job flexible enough?

• Find jobs where you can stay in your natural self most of the time.

• Make a free trait agreement to people close to you: we'll act out of character some of hte time, in exchange for being ourselves rest of the time.

  • wife vs husband: make an agreement -- hald the time we go out, half the time we stay home
  • make it with your boss, telling him that thats when you do your best work so that you can work from home 2 days a week

• Doing can help you be better than extroverts when you're going out of your personality because you have the advantages of being better prepared than extroverts.

• Staying out of character for too long is responsible for stress and depression. And it speeds aging.

Chapter 10: how to talk to extroverts

• Having different personalities can match togeter: one listens while otehr talks, etc. But it can also cause conflict.
• In society, it's seen as if introverts are anti-social and extroverts are pro-social. That's not true, they're just differently social.
• Extrovert makes you a better at having higher number of friends, but not necessarily of higher quality.
• It's hard for extroverts to understand how badly introverts need to recharge at the end of hte day.
• Barack and Michelle has the same issue: Barack was okay just working on his own in the evenings, but it made michelle feel lonely.
• Introverts are agreeable, where are extroverts don't mind conflict.
• Extroverts have an inherent preference towards people they compete with.
• For introverts, it's important to collaborate with aggreable people. For extroverts, they don't mind what type of collaboration they have.
• It always better to negotiate politely with a partner than aggresively. Instead of "you're anti-social", say "can we find a way to organize our weekends in a way that works for us both?"
• It's okay to hiss when the other person gets aggresive: "that's not okay with me"
• Introverts are good at decoding people's emotions when they're observing, but not when they are actively participating. Because their nervous system is already on overdrive.
• Introverts like talking about a few things more deeply. Extroverts prefer talking about a wider range of things quitely.

Chapter 11: how to cultivate quite kids

• Extroverted parents feel that something might be wrong with the introverted kid because he doesn't socialize that much.
• Listen to your kids. Understand why they behave in specific ways, and strategize together.
• If they're nervous, tell that it's normal and it will get easier over time.
• Do incremental exposure to socialization, not all at once.
• Give positive feedback each time they do something well.
• Make sure his early experience with socialization is good.
• Let him get better at whatever he enjoys.

Summary:

• Don't worry about socializing with everyone, and prefer quality over quantity.
• Put yourself in the optimal level of stimulus for your performance.
• Use your powers -- persistence, concentration, insight, sensitivity to do the work you love and matters. Solve problems, make art, think deeply.
• See how you can contribute best to the thing you value, and if it means you need to act extrovert, do it for limited periods of time.
• Do a job that suits your personality better, so that you don't burn out.
• It's okay to miss social events and stay home when you don't feel like it.
• Respect your loved one's need for socializing and your own for solitude.
• Spend time the way you like, not how others want you to.
• Introverts enjoy being in their own imagined world solving problems.

Personal thoughts:

• I think I'm able to be the person I am because of my introversion, not despite. I wouldn't have been able to read as much, if I cared a lot about traveling or socializing.