Created Tuesday 16 February 2021
Today, I had a long conversation with Mom about how I started falling behind in my studies. I was good in studies and was interested in Computers. I had some problems with AI, as I did not understand biology or other so called virtualization stuff going inside my head. It made me skeptical as a student.
- But there were also things like prohibition(in my religion) against painting imaginary figurines, graphics etc. This caused me a lot of trouble because it is a very stupid rule.
- The reason this hadn't been a problem before was due to the fact that I considered painting to be bad, but not so bad. And because apps and games worked with images at a huge scale, I equated it with some significant misdeed. The problem with such rules is that they are like a logic(or time) bomb, because they make innocuous things bad and are justified in a limited manner because of the slowness of humans. But humans are capable of invention, and there comes a time when we get over that scalability barrier, here the so called rules become a source of intense frustration and burnout due to overthinking.
- This kind of thinking(which many people rightly ignore) led me to lose interest in my studies and of science in general, because technologies are scalable.
I first accepted that the fact there was no problems in my thinking and the rule(s) were the problem. I sat with my mom, and we both thought of this problem. After she understood the problem, she suggested that I drop coding. To this I replied that this is where I got stuck and how my Uncle and many other(Turing) had their whole careers built on top of this, to which she replied that I should learn programming properly. We both reached the conclusion that such rules are stupid. I emphasized that such rules, even if we are not following them, are very destructive and must not be ignored. I don't know about mom. But I am firmly against such rules, which I characterize as nonsense.
- There are a plethora of such life ending, joy-sucking rules I had.
- I was a sad kid while growing up, because I avoided participation due to my false "beliefs". And I remained so for a long time(until 6th standard), because I thought I was right. I tested this, and found out I was wrong. But while growing up, many of my good values(that I still hold dear) got mixed with these beliefs. It is now a difficult job to remove such beliefs. They need to be removed, but not at the cost of my sanity.
- If I remove them at once, I'll be left without any working structure(which is required), so it is stupid to remove this in one go.
- Instead I should surgically remove such beliefs one by one, in such a way that I still feel joyous and grateful for my childhood and things that I had.
You are good retaining what was taught at school and the cultural capital you had before getting into such stupid stuff.