oneliners_incl_doubles.pickle

(lp1
S'Insanity is hereditary, - You get it from your children.'
p2
aS'An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.'
p3
aS"You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish."
p4
aS'A closed mouth gathers no foot.'
p5
aS"What's black and white and red all over?  An embarassed zebra."
p6
aS"What's black and white and red all over?  Certainly not the Halifax newspapers."
p7
aS"Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks."
p8
aS"What's the most popular form of birth control?  The headache."
p9
aS"He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke."
p10
aS'Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.'
p11
aS'A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.'
p12
aS"Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it."
p13
aS'Help the police - beat yourself up.'
p14
aS'Avoid the christmas chaos - go to church on sundays.'
p15
aS"There are two kinds of persons: The one that divide all people in two part, and then the other that don't."
p16
aS'Seen in U.S.S.R:  "The last person to leave the country is asked to turn the ligths off."'
p17
aS'Wanna be realy stoned?  Drink wet cement.'
p18
aS'Keep death off the roads.  Drive on the pavement.'
p19
aS'Dead men are simple very cool.'
p20
aS'Sigarettes are the main reason for statistics.'
p21
aS'Advertisment from British Airways:  "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New-York and luggage in Berlin"'
p22
aS'Do you know why surgeons use masks? It is to be not recognised again.'
p23
aS"Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian"
p24
aS'"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock."'
p25
aS'A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.'
p26
aS'Max told his friend he didn\'t want to go for a hike in the hills.  "I\'m an anti-climb Max."'
p27
aS'A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon.'
p28
aS"An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding up the estate."
p29
aS'Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.'
p30
aS' Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling, I think I\'m pigment."'
p31
aS'Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.'
p32
aS'A doctor told the boy, "This injection won\'t hurt a bit."  That\'s an MD promise.'
p33
aS"Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover."
p34
aS"A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru."
p35
aS'A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.'
p36
aS'What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.'
p37
aS'WHY DO MORONS ONLY GO TO MOVIES IN GROUPS OF 17 OR MORE? BECAUSE THE SIGN OUTSIDE STATES " UNDER SEVENTEEN NOT ADMITED! "'
p38
aS"Did you hear about the Scottish Kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane in his brother's junkyard."
p39
aS'What do 32 Iraqi women in one place have? A full set of teeth!'
p40
aS'HOW DO YOU CLEAR OUT AND IRAQI BINGO HALL? CALL OUT "B-52".'
p41
aS'DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW BAGHDAD ROCK GROUP? NO KIDS ON THE BLOCK.'
p42
aS'Did you hear the one about the lion who ate the lawyer? Had to lick his butt afterwards to get rid of the taste!'
p43
aS'Did you hear which major department store is considering opening a couple of stores in Iraq? TARGET!'
p44
aS'DID YOU HEAR FRANCE HAS A NEW NATIONAL FLAG? It is white with a white stripe and a white star!'
p45
aS"What's the difference between a Canadian Hockey player and an Iraqi woman? The Hockey player takes a shower after three periods."
p46
aS'What do a vaccuum cleaner and an Iraqi Tank have in common? They both suck.'
p47
aS'What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a goat underthe other? Bisexual.'
p48
aS'What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.'
p49
aS'What do you call an Iraqi who has sex with donkeys? Normal.'
p50
aS'What did the aspiring Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?  "Make me one with everything."'
p51
aS'Who is the smallest man mentioned in the New Testament? Peter. (He slept on his watch)'
p52
aS"When is the first time motorcycles are mentioned in the bible? When David's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
p53
aS'Neutrinos have bad breadth.'
p54
aS'Biology grows on you.'
p55
aS'What does a Polack use a "rubber" for?  Seal-a-meal'
p56
aS'- What do you get when you cross a Polack and a Mongoloid with one leg? A Polaroid 1 Step'
p57
aS'- What is better than 4 roses on a piano? Two lips on an organ'
p58
aS'- What do you call a truck load of vibrators? Toys for twats'
p59
aS'- What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?  Beef Strokenoff'
p60
aS"- Why does an elephant have 4 feet?  Because 8 inches isn't enough"
p61
aS'- What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob?  Oral Roberts'
p62
aS'- What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires'
p63
aS"- How can you tell a Polish woman is on her period?  She's only wearing 1 sock"
p64
aS"What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce"
p65
aS'- What do soy beans and dildos have in common?Both are meat subsitutes'
p66
aS"- What's the difference between chicken and meat?  If you beat your chicken it  would die"
p67
aS'- How can you tell a Head nurse?  The one with dirty knees'
p68
aS"- What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental?  A car thief who can't drive"
p69
aS"What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?  Getting fingered by Captain Hook"
p70
aS"- Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?  Since he couldn't lick them, he felt he should join them"
p71
aS"What's invisible and smells like carrots?  Bunny farts"
p72
aS"Why can't little black kids play in sandboxes?  Cats keep trying to cover them up"
p73
aS'What do elephants use for a tampon?  Sheep'
p74
aS"Why don't Mexicans barbeque?  Because the beans slip through the grill"
p75
aS'What do you call a one-legged woman? Ilene.'
p76
aS'Why did the Aggie spend all night in front of the house of ill repute? He was waiting for the red light to turn green.'
p77
aS'The only computers I trust with my women are Unix.'
p78
aS"Why were Helen Keller's fingers purple?She heard it through the grapevine."
p79
aS'What is the difference between ooooh and aaaah?About three inches.'
p80
aS'What is the difference between a dog and a fox?About three drinks.'
p81
aS'What do you do with an elephant that has three balls? Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.'
p82
aS'What are the three most difficult years for an Aggie? Second grade.'
p83
aS'Did you hear about the Aggie car pool? They all meet at work.'
p84
aS'Why were the Aggies pushing their house down the street? They were trying to jump-start the furnace.'
p85
aS"Did you hear the Aggies bought a thousand septic tanks?As soon as they learn to drive them, they'll invade Mexico."
p86
aS'What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.'
p87
aS'Did you hear about the Republican Fried Chicken fast food restaurant? All they serve are right wings and a**holes.'
p88
aS'What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? The rooster clucks defiance.'
p89
aS'What do you get when you cross a a rooster and a hoot owl? A cock that stays up all night.'
p90
aS'Why did they kick the leper out of the restaurant? They had to keep changing the finger bowls.'
p91
aS'What is the difference between a tribe of sly aborigines and a female track team? The first is a pack of cunning runts.'
p92
aS'Why are there more Democrats than Republicans? Who wants a piece of elephant!'
p93
aS'What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts---this is no ordinary blow job.'
p94
aS'Did you hear about the prostitute that died and went to heaven? She traded her harp for an upright organ.'
p95
aS"Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want the world to know he's been making out with chickens."
p96
aS'What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A 40-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.'
p97
aS"Why don't midgets use tampons? They trip over the strings."
p98
aS"Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea? It's all over town."
p99
aS'What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Soup.'
p100
aS'Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high? A lot of expenses are in curd.'
p101
aS'Watch out for lamp manufacturers. There are a lot of shady characters.'
p102
aS"Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business? He says he's all washed up."
p103
aS'What do you call a cow with only three legs? Lean beef.'
p104
aS'What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.'
p105
aS'What did the elephant say to the naked man? "Can you breathe through that?"'
p106
aS"Lawyers sometimes tell the truth. They'll do anything to win a case."
p107
aS'What do you call a row of rabbits that takes a step backwards? A receding hare-line.'
p108
aS'What do you get when you pour scalding water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.'
p109
aS'What do you have when rabbits climb out of their hole? A hare-raising sight.'
p110
aS'What did the topless dancer say when chastised about her profession? "It\'s better than being flat busted!"'
p111
aS"When I fly on a jet, my ears pop a lot; it's an earry feeling."
p112
aS'Some parents believe that spanking a child is an important part of rearing a child.'
p113
aS'Twins might best be described as womb-mates.'
p114
aS"Did you hear the elephants at the circus are going on strike? They're tired of working for peanuts."
p115
aS'Did you hear about the fight in the lion house at the zoo? A lion called another a cheetah.  Personally, I think he was lion.'
p116
aS'How do you keep an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card.'
p117
aS"Did you hear about the animal hotel that has exclusive accommodations for squirrels? It's called The Nutcracker Suite."
p118
aS"What is the most vulnerable animal in the world? The frog.  When you touch it, it croaks. Put another way, one touch and it's toadalled."
p119
aS'Did you hear they are looking for someone to be in charge of potato snacks in the monastery? The job description will be:  Chipmonk.'
p120
aS"Did you hear about the House-Senate conference committe considering legislation to decriminalize the use of marijuana? It's called the Joint Session of Congress."
p121
aS'What is the opposite of progress? Congress.'
p122
aS'How can Congress trim the fat from Federal spending? By switching to lo-cal government.'
p123
aS'The state of Missouri has vigorously tried to get some of the other states bordering on the Mississippi River to join in an urgently needed flood control project. This is because Missouri loves company.'
p124
aS'The 200th anniversary of the founding of the buffalo sanctuaries will be marked by a Bisontennial celebration.'
p125
aS'The Hawaiian Islands have many craters that were formed by volcanoes. You might say that the islands are full of ash holes.'
p126
aS"Several years ago I came up with the idea of writing a play about the movement to eliminate pay toilets. I've been sitting on the idea for a number of years, but I feel I can stall no longer."
p127
aS"Why did God give women vaginas? Because sheep can't cook."
p128
aS'Why do mice have tiny balls? Very few know how to dance.'
p129
aS'What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a mink. A fur coat with pockets.'
p130
aS'Why is money green? Because Jews pick it before it is ripe.'
p131
aS'What is long, hard, round and full of seamen? A submarine.'
p132
aS"How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow."
p133
aS'What is the difference between love and Herpes? Herpes is forever.'
p134
aS'Where do prostitutes go for recycling? The Virgin Islands.'
p135
aS"What's grey and comes by the gallon? Elephants."
p136
aS"What is the difference between an Aggie and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven."
p137
aS"How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?None.  They'd rather sit in the dark and suffer."
p138
aS'What do you call a gay Jew? A Heblew.'
p139
aS"How do we know Christ wasn't born in Italy? There are no virgins and they couldn't find three wise men."
p140
aS'Did you hear about the Aggies that were arrested in the Iranian zoo? They were trying to free the hostriches.'
p141
aS"Did you hear about the two blind gay guys? You've got to hand it to them."
p142
aS'Why are all Jewish men circumcized? Because Jewish women go crazy over anything 20% off.'
p143
aS'How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None.  They screw in hot tubs.'
p144
aS"Why don't Baptists screw standing up? They're afraid people might think they're dancing."
p145
aS"What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic, you use a feather.  Kinky, you use the whole chicken."
p146
aS'To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.'
p147
aS"There's no future in time travel."
p148
aS"Entropy isn't what it used to be."
p149
aS"Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over."
p150
aS'"Criminal Lawyer"  is  redundant.'
p151
aS"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
p152
aS'When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.'
p153
aS'I have a rock garden.  Last week, three of them died.'
p154
aS'He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.'
p155
aS'Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.'
p156
aS'Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.'
p157
aS"Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!"
p158
aS"Please reply if you don't get this message."
p159
aS'Circular definition: see definition, circular.'
p160
aS'All generalizations are false.'
p161
aS"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
p162
aS'Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.'
p163
aS'Rehab is for quitters.'
p164
aS'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.'
p165
aS'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.'
p166
aS'I took an IQ test and the results were negative.'
p167
aS"Where there's a will, I want to be in it."
p168
aS'Few women admit their age;  Fewer men act it.'
p169
aS"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
p170
aS"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
p171
aS'Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.'
p172
aS"What's black and white and red all over?  Certainly not the Halifax newspapers."
p173
aS"What's the most popular form of birth control?  The headache."
p174
aS'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'
p175
aS'Give me ambiguity or give me something else.'
p176
aS'i souport publik edekashun.'
p177
aS'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'
p178
aS"How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. "
p179
aS'What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A nervous wreck.'
p180
aS'What are the four words you don\'t want to hear while making love? "Honey, I\'m home!"'
p181
aS"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
p182
aS'Drive defensively - buy a tank.'
p183
aS"What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs. Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.\rWhat did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.\rCan you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 iguanadons and 2 stegasaurus.\rWhat do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.\rWhat do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!\rWhat do you get if you cross a mouse with a triceratops? Enormous holes in the skirting board.\rHow can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas. How do you know if there is a brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores."
p184
aS'A cucumber and a tomato meet in a saladbar. Cucumber: Gee, how come you look so red? Tomato: I saw the salad dressing.'
p185
aS'A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.'
p186
aS'A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.'
p187
aS'I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.'
p188
aS'The brain is a wonderful organ:  it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.'
p189
aS"You'd be paranoid too if everybody hated you."
p190
aS"Cole's Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage."
p191
aS"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
p192
aS'Duct tape is like the Force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.'
p193
aS"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
p194
aS'There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.'
p195
aS'It has been said that we only use 15% of our brain. I wonder what we do with the other 75%?'
p196
aS'How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?'
p197
aS"I've got it!  I've got it!  Now, for the cure..."
p198
aS'A juggler is just a schizophrenic playing catch.'
p199
aS'Polaroids: what polar bears get from sitting on the ice.'
p200
aS'D.A.M.N. - Naked Mothers Against Dyslexia'
p201
aS'There IS intelligent life in the universe.  It ignores us.'
p202
aS'Amish safe sex: painting an "X" on the cows that kick.'
p203
aS"How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."
p204
aS'Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.'
p205
aS'Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.'
p206
aS'Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.'
p207
aS"Wanna hear a joke? Sleep. I know, I don't get it either"
p208
aS'Do you smoke pot because weed be cute together'
p209
aS"I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless."
p210
aS'Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours. So they decided to call it a day.'
p211
aS'Is your name ariel, because I think we mermaid for each other.'
p212
aS"Math jokes aren't funny. Nothing about math is funny. Math is a sin."
p213
aS'Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.'
p214
aS'How did I escape Iraq? Iran'
p215
aS'Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'
p216
aS"I just wrote a really awesome song about a fajita. Well it's more of a wrap really."
p217
aS'I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.'
p218
aS'I met a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds fun, Dozen tit?'
p219
aS"How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious that Israeli how he does it."
p220
aS"You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons. How ionic."
p221
aS"You're telling me I need to study? No thanks, I'll pass."
p222
aS'My waitress threw sodium chloride at me. She was arrested and charged with a salt.'
p223
aS"Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi! Why didn't he get in? There wasn't mushroom!"
p224
aS'Where do astronauts go out for a drink? To the spacebar.'
p225
aS'What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated but I\'ve got hundreds of degrees"'
p226
aS'If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.'
p227
aS"I didn't like my beard at first but then it grew on me."
p228
aS"You're living, you occupy space and have mass. What does that mean? You matter."
p229
aS'How does Nasa organize a party? They planet.'
p230
aS"I'd say fuck the wheather, but its definitely under 18..."
p231
aS'I used to have a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.'
p232
aS"I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy."
p233
aS"What do you call a wizard who's running late for the Hogwarts Express? Hurry Potter."
p234
aS"I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day."
p235
aS"I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction."
p236
aS"When I drink alcohol, everyone says im an alcoholic. When I drink fanta, no one says I'm fantastic."
p237
aS'What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don\'t wanna be Obama self"'
p238
aS'Did Snoop Dogg really change his name, or is Snoop Lion?'
p239
aS'I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.'
p240
aS"A book fell on my head... I can't blame myshelf."
p241
aS'I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.'
p242
aS"Mathematics teachers call retirement 'the aftermath.'"
p243
aS'A chemistry lab is like a big party. Some drop the acid while others drop the base.'
p244
aS'How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, because it was on the house!'
p245
aS'What do you call a fake macaroni? An impasta.'
p246
aS'I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.'
p247
aS'The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.'
p248
aS'What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog'
p249
aS'What do you call bears with no ears? B'
p250
aS'When u tryna be cheesy but everyone around u is laughtose intolerant.'
p251
aS'Where would Voldemort go if he played the trumpet? Jazzkaban.'
p252
aS'What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.'
p253
aS'How do trains eat? They chew-chew.'
p254
aS'What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador.'
p255
aS'My friend asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public. I said maybe.'
p256
aS'I used to hate math, but now I realised decimals have a point.'
p257
aS'I think my friend was built backwards. His nose runs and his feet smell.'
p258
aS'How much room is needed to grow funghi? As Muchroom as possible.'
p259
aS"Keep the planet clean, it's not uranus. "
p260
aS'If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.'
p261
aS'Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.'
p262
aS'What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock'
p263
aS'The rotation of Earth always makes my day.'
p264
aS'(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln. We just foiled your plan.'
p265
aS'Chemistry jokes are Sodium funny.'
p266
aS'I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone said it was tacky.'
p267
aS"Sorry I'm poor, I can't afford to pay attention."
p268
aS'What did the biologist wear on his first date? Designer genes.'
p269
aS'Are you flourine iodine and neon? Cause you are FINe.'
p270
aS'Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!'
p271
aS'Why do ghosts love elevators? Cause they lift their spirits.'
p272
aS'A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship, but there was no Chemistry.'
p273
aS'Do you know why Frequency cannot love any more? Cause it still hertz.'
p274
aS"What building isn't trustworthy? The lie-brary."
p275
aS'What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms? HeHe'
p276
aS'How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. (Hint:  They are small enough to fit inside).'
p277
aS'How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!'
p278
aS"How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Silly, WASP's don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub."
p279
aS'How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb? Two.  One to pour the Tab, and one to phone Daddy.'
p280
aS"How many Marxist's does it take to change a light bulb? None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution."
p281
aS'How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilizationto the point where they need light bulbs again.'
p282
aS'How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None of your damn business!'
p283
aS"How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they're really only one."
p284
aS'How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.'
p285
aS"How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny!!!"
p286
aS'How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.'
p287
aS'How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!'
p288
aS'How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Both of them.'
p289
aS'How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.'
p290
aS'How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions.'
p291
aS'How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.'
p292
aS'How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.'
p293
aS'How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to charge the bill.'
p294
aS'How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.'
p295
aS'What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.'
p296
aS'How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.'
p297
aS'How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.'
p298
aS'How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes nine years.'
p299
aS'How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.'
p300
aS'How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.'
p301
aVAstronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours.So they decided to call it a day.
p302
aVButterflies are not what they used to be.
p303
aVDon't join dangerous cults. Always practice safe sects!
p304
aVWhy is it called a "building" when it is already built?
p305
aVI'm making a fruit salad and the recipe says Pineapples - Five cubed. Where on Earth am I going to get 125 pineapples?
p306
aVWe'll never run out of maths teachers.. because they keep multiplying.
p307
aVThings are always easier said than done..Except for talking, that's pretty much the same really.
p308
aVI've just been house hunting. One place had mirrors covering the walls of every room. I thought.. 'I can see myself living here'
p309
aVWhat do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
p310
aVHow is it possible to have a 'civil' war?
p311
aVI received an email asking me to send trouser zips to the address provided.But I ignored it, sounds like they're fly phishing to me.
p312
aVWhat did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
p313
aVI was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze..So I gritted my teeth.
p314
aVI bought an off-road vehicle in a blind auction..Got it delivered and It was a canoe.
p315
aVWhat's green and goes "Riggit Riggit" ?A frog with badly fitting false teeth.
p316
aVWhat does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
p317
aVI was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
p318
aVMy news years resolution is to save up and buy a velcro wall..and I plan on sticking to it!
p319
aVIf you were born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
p320
aVMy news years resolution this year is to give up sexual innuendos.But it's so hard..
p321
aVAfter hours of thinking I've finally decided on my new years resolution: 1920 x 1080
p322
aVI had a fight with a snowman last night. He didn't last long....things got a bit heated.
p323
aVI just pulled a Christmas cracker,erm.. There's a joke in there somewhere.
p324
aVI got my wife the leg off a mannequin for Christmas. It's not her main present..just a stocking filler
p325
aVWhat is Santa's favourite pizza?One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
p326
aVWhat do you call a snowman with a suntan? A puddle.
p327
aVOur kids always find their Christmas presents early, no matter where we hide them.So this year we've locked them in the attic..
p328
aVI've been seeing someone behind my girlfriend's back..I think she's got a stalker.
p329
aVI remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe.. It meant the world to me.
p330
aVIf you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
p331
aVDid you hear about the dumb woodworm?He was found dead inside a house brick.
p332
aVMy wife's head just spun around and then she vomited green slimeI've no idea what's possessed her.
p333
aVA skeleton goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a mop..
p334
aVDid you hear about the cobbler who made a satanic pact?He sold his sole to the devil.
p335
aVWhy didn't the skeleton go to the party?Because he had no body to go with.
p336
aVA ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
p337
aVIf you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
p338
aVIf a plane is an aircraft, does that make a broom a witchcraft?
p339
aVWhy did Dracula go to the doctors?Because of his coffin.
p340
aVYou feel stuck with your debt..If you can't budge it.
p341
aVI was gonna nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought Screw it!
p342
aVWhat do you call a man who can't stop stealing? Nick.
p343
aVI accidentally left an apple outside my local GP's surgery.Now he won't be able to get in.
p344
aVI've just been given a pack of playing cards covered in strawberry jam..I'm finding them very had to deal with.
p345
aVSometimes I laugh so much that a bit of wee comes out. It's really starting to worry me..Why is wee coming out of my mouth?
p346
aVI bloody hate flash mobs.One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe.
p347
aVI took the rear view mirror out of my car, and since then..I've never looked back
p348
aVMy local butcher is seven foot tall and a size fourteen shoe.. what does he weigh? Sausages.
p349
aVWhat do you call a man with a rabbit in his mouth?Warren.
p350
aVMy younger brother was named after my fatherA bit confusing when your brother is named 'Dad' though.
p351
aVWhat do you call a man with a map on his head? Miles.
p352
aVWhat do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina.
p353
aVWhy did the football manager give his team lighters? Cos they kept losing all of their matches.
p354
aVOne Bear.(That's the bear minimum)
p355
aVMy uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.He's the Spokesman.
p356
aVI just got a Scottish sheep dog from the pound, but sadly my wife can't see it..She's collie blind.
p357
aVWhat do you call a woman who stands straddling a river? Bridgette.
p358
aVWhat's a twack? Something a twain wuns on.
p359
aVI distorted a Tortoise earlier..Now it's just an Oise.
p360
aVI keep having a recurring nightmare where I'm surrounded by loads of pregnant women in labour.I think I may be having a midwife crisis..
p361
aVWhat's the definition of a snail?A slug with a crash helmet.
p362
aV31 years ago today the doctor delivered me.I can't believe I've survived so long without a liver.
p363
aVI work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital..It's a re-warding job.
p364
aVI've just been outside helping a guy in a black robe with a scythe clear the frost off his car. I was de-icing with death.
p365
aVMy grandfather puts horse manure on his rhubarb..I prefer it with custard.
p366
aVMy pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last..He was caught in a trap..
p367
aVI just saw on the news'Missing girl found safe'What I wanna know is..Could she crack it?
p368
aVWhat do you call a man who comes in through the letter box?Bill.
p369
aVWhat's small, brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?A coconut in disguise.
p370
aVDid you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines..
p371
aVMy dog is named Minton. Today he ate a shuttlecock.. Bad Minton!
p372
aVTo be frank..would involve changing my name.
p373
aVHow do you make a squirrel cry? Pinch it's nuts.
p374
aV2B or not 2B. That is the pencil.
p375
aVWhat do you call a run down Italian neighbourhood?The Spaghetto.
p376
aVDid you hear about the astronaut who stepped on some chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
p377
aVThe rotation of the planet Earth really makes my day!
p378
aVWhat kind of moron invented the fire blanket? Surely fire is warm enough already?..
p379
aVI thought opening the door for a lady was the polite thing to do..but she just screamed and flew out of the plane..
p380
aVI had a go at parachuting today.I went to the local airfield and said, "Stupid parachute morons jumping out of bloody planes"
p381
aVI bought a battery powered clock  today.When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.I thought "This is a wind up!"
p382
aVWhy was the robot mad? Because people kept pushing its buttons.
p383
aVI just got back from a very emotional wedding.. Even the cake was in tiers.
p384
aVHow does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
p385
aVI was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando's when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw. I wish he would stop taking sides.
p386
aVWhy are there fish at the bottom of the sea? Cos they dropped out of school.
p387
aVHow did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
p388
aVWhy can't a bicycle stand on it's own? Cos it's two tired.
p389
aVWhy did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one!
p390
aVA policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview...I haven't even applied for a job there!
p391
aVMy mate just came fourth in a Body-Snatching contest. I told him "It's not the winning, it's the taking parts that counts"
p392
aVWhat's the best way to catch a rabbit?Hide in the bushes and make lettuce noises.
p393
aVA mysterious hole has been found in the local nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
p394
aVTwo vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says: "Sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."
p395
aVWhy did the banana go to the hospital? Because he wasn't peeling well.
p396
aVSome people have a way with words, Others not have way.
p397
aVThe universe implodes... No matter.
p398
aVThe invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
p399
aVWhy did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice.
p400
aVI just found out that 'Aarrgghh' is not a real word.I can't even tell you how angry I am!
p401
aVWhat's yellow and square?A tomato in disguise.
p402
aVMy mate walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free.Full credit to him!
p403
aVWhat do you call a sleepwalking nun?A roamin' Catholic.
p404
aVHow do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?You will see one later and one in a while.
p405
aV"Vodka! Whiskey! Tequila!" I call the shots!
p406
aVI got kicked out of my local music shop after asking about a Coldplay song. I was clearly looking for Trouble.
p407
aVIf a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
p408
aVI was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. But she finally said "I don't follow you"
p409
aVWhere are average things built?In the satisfactory.
p410
aVA huge section of tree just broke off and demolished a bank in town. I've no idea which branch it was though..
p411
aVWhere do boats go when they are sick? The dock.
p412
aVDid you hear about the vampire bicycle that went around biting people? It was a vicious cycle.
p413
aVAfter a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front & back pages from my dictionary.It just goes from bad to worse.
p414
aVHow come there is no other name for thesaurus?
p415
aVWhat do you say if you're talking to God... and he sneezes?
p416
aVTo whoever invented the zero..Thanks for nothing.
p417
aVMe and my limbo team go way back.
p418
aVApparently our local Police station has had it's toilet stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
p419
aVI've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. It's only 3 words but it's a start.
p420
aVI was going to do a joke about a germ, But I wouldn't want to spread it around.
p421
aVWhy does a hummingbird hum? Because it doesn't know the words.
p422
aVI had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles.It was a love triangle.
p423
aVA small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital. His Mother phoned to ask how he was and the nurse said, 'There's no change yet'
p424
aVWhy didn't Noah just swat those two mosquitoes?
p425
aVWhat happens if you go on a survival course..and you don't pass?
p426
aVI don't want to sound big headed but I wear a size XXL hat.
p427
aVWhose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an s in it?
p428
aVI was going to do a joke about construction.. but I'm still working on it.
p429
aVWhat do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud.
p430
aVI got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying 'bursary'.It was the only nursery rhyme I could think of.
p431
aVMy Doctor gave me something to treat my haemorrhoids. But personally, I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.
p432
aVI was gonna tell a joke about a roof, but it would probably go over peoples heads.
p433
aVWhoever put the letter 'b' in the word 'subtle' deserves a pat on the back.
p434
aVI ordered a hotel wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"
p435
aVWhen I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute, I was relieved.
p436
aVI start my new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
p437
aVA duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken came running & said "No don't do it! You'll never hear the bloody end of it"
p438
aVGambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
p439
aVI never make mistakes, I thought I did once.. but I was wrong.
p440
aVNever iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.
p441
aVWhat did the rug say to the floor?Don't move, I've got you covered.
p442
aVMy dog chased a kid on a bike, So we took away his bike.But he kept barking.So we gave it back.Because his bark is worse than his bike.
p443
aVThere's now a record number of male hairdressers in this country. More evidence of our society's descent into barberism.
p444
aVI had some time to kill..So I started with the mother in law.
p445
aVI was gonna do a joke about unemployment.. but it needs some work.
p446
aVMy family think I spend too much time doing dot-to-dot puzzles, but it's okay..I know where to draw the line.
p447
aVI had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was sole destroying.
p448
aVMy ex-wife hated my obsession with horoscopes. It taurus apart.
p449
aVLast night I punched my mates lights out..and got electrocuted.
p450
aVMy grandfather died recently, He spent his final years as a regular user of facebook..We won't see the likes of him again.
p451
aVI bought an answering machine today but I think it's broken.I've asked it loads of questions but nothing's happening.
p452
aVI've made loads of money selling my version of Polo that don't have a hole in the middle.I've made an absolute mint.
p453
aVA boat builder is showing his son one of his forests. He turns to him and says, "Son, one day all this will be oars"
p454
aVJokes about German sausage are the wurst.
p455
aVI've just been spending some time at my wifes grave..She still thinks I'm digging a garden pond.
p456
aVI just saw a sign in a shop'Mosquito nets £10'. It turns out he won it on a scratchcard.
p457
aVMy wife and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local petshop..I've just taken the lead.
p458
aVI used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead..It was my signature move.
p459
aVThis annoying guy on the bus wouldn't stop asking questions about how the journey would end. So I told him where to get off.
p460
aVI've just saved a ton of cash on the latest iPhone. I didn't buy one.
p461
aVMy wife just said I was ignorant..Nonsense! Why? I don't even know the meaning of the word!
p462
aVI just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless.
p463
aVI tried sniffing coke once..and got an ice cube stuck up my nose.
p464
aVI just ate some mustard and had the strangest feeling that I had eaten it before. Dijon vu..
p465
aVThere was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning..It sent ripples through the whole building.
p466
aVThere are two things that always make me jump..My legs.
p467
aVI used to live in a normal house.. but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.
p468
aVI just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons.
p469
aV6:30 is the best time on a face clock..Hands down!
p470
aVI just love helium..I can't speak highly enough about it!
p471
aVMy mate keeps boasting that he owns a 3 foot pack of cards. Big deal.
p472
aVI just spent half hour grilling some chicken..but it still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road!
p473
aVI hate it when people mix their metaphors, I mean come on people! It's not rocket surgery!
p474
aVTwo cows in a field, one says"What do you think of mad cow disease?"The other cow replies "Won't affect me, I'm a helicopter!"
p475
aVSticks and stones may break my bones..I should probably drink more milk.
p476
aVI'd love to be a juggler. But I haven't got the balls.
p477
aVWhat happens if you get scared half to death twice?
p478
aVI've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.
p479
aVIf corn oil is made from corn.. and vegetable oil is made from vegetables.. what is baby oil made from?
p480
aVMy wife is such a looker..She's brilliant at hide and seek!
p481
aVThe woman next door keeps flashing me from her upstairs bedroom window.I've no idea how she got the car up there though.
p482
aVI don't believe in spanking my children. I find that waving a gun around works just as well..
p483
aVDrilling for oil is boring.
p484
aVI can see five years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
p485
aVWhy don't owls go on dates when it's raining? Because it's too wet to woo.
p486
aVMy wife said that I only ever want sex with her when I'm drunk.That's not true!.. I usually want a kebab as well.
p487
aVI used to be a bodybuilder..or 'The Dr Frankenstein Grave Robber' as the press preferred to call me.
p488
aVWhy do people always say that nothing rhymes with orange? When it doesn't!
p489
aVI really need to finish my essay on the wind..At the moment it's little more than a draft.
p490
aVI just bought my wife a length of rope with a bucket on the end. I'm sure it'll go down well.
p491
aVEver since I started trying to relive my youth at childrens playgrounds..My social life has been on the slide.
p492
aVAs I sat watching my dad draw his final breath I realised..We make a crap pictionary team.
p493
aVApproverypriateSorry - that was very in appropriate.
p494
aVStanding in the paint aisle at the DIY centre always brings a tear to my eye. I can't help but get emulsional.
p495
aVI've been asked out by a number of hot women in my time. 0 is a number, right?..
p496
aVI didn't like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
p497
aVSome annoying guy in the pub was shouting that he couldn't understand how to get outside. Needless to say, they showed him the door!
p498
aVThe local kids are all scared of the custard and jelly covered house at the end of our street. I've no idea why, it's obviously desserted.
p499
aVRelationships are a lot like algebra.Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
p500
aVI'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.
p501
aVI have ten arms, eight legs and 22 feet. what am I? A liar.
p502
aVDid you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
p503
aVI buy a different brand of cling flim each time I go shopping.Just to keep things fresh.
p504
aVWhat are the advantages of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
p505
aVNot bragging but guess who got a record deal today?..3 cds for £1.. Bargain!
p506
aVAlways remember that you are unique..Just like everyone else.
p507
aVI just saw a great documentary about how ships are kept together. It was riveting!
p508
aVI just gave my girlfriend a ring and proposed....that we break up. Then I put the phone down on her.
p509
aVTime flies when you're throwing watches.
p510
aVA duck goes into a shop & asks for a tube of ChapStick. The Cashier says "That'll be £1.50 please.The Duck says "Just put it on my bill"
p511
aVI haven't slept for three days, Because that would be too long.
p512
aVWhy do all these people with laser hair want to get it removed?
p513
aVWhen my mate gave me a leaflet about anger management..I lost it.
p514
aVFrozen sculptures are okay..Icy pose.
p515
aVI didn't do too well in the pub quiz the other night..I know nothing about pubs.
p516
aVKeep the dream alive.. Hit the snooze button.
p517
aVI just got hit by a rental car. It Hertz.
p518
aVMy grandfathers funeral has cost us over £14,000 so far..I knew it was a bad idea to bury him in a rented suit.
p519
aVDid you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement? He's finding it hard to deal with.
p520
aVWhat's the definition of a microwave? A flea saying goodbye.
p521
aVI slept right through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.
p522
aVMe: "Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" Dr: "Sit down and I'll deal with you later"
p523
aVI just got back from my mates funeral, He was killed by a tennis ball. It was a cracking service.
p524
aVHow do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car? Put it in the front seat.
p525
aVWhat is the same size and shape as an elephant yet weighs nothing? An elephants shadow.
p526
aVWhat do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
p527
aVDid you hear about the burger van that crashed into the casino? There were chips everywhere.
p528
aVIn a fight, I can beat anybody with one hand.. The guys with two hands are always more difficult though.
p529
aVI hated my job as an origami teacher..Too much paperwork.
p530
aVA number 12 walks into a bar, The barman says "Sorry but we can't serve you, you're clearly under 18"
p531
aVWhy can't a leopard play hide and seek? Because he's always spotted.
p532
aVWhy are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Cos they all have phones.
p533
aVWhen we were kids, we couldn't afford toys, holidays or even school uniforms..So our parents paid for them.
p534
aVI asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
p535
aVWhich month has 28 days in it? All of them.
p536
aVWhy are four legged animals bad dancers? Cos they have two left feet.
p537
aVToday is an incredible day for mankind.. for today I will rewrite history. history.
p538
aVWhy couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck.
p539
aVMy new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.. All I do is sit around and stuff.
p540
aVPeople always say that tattoos are a great way of preserving precious memories. In case you forget that anchor.. or your Mothers name.
p541
aVWhat do Rhinoceroses have that no other animal on earth has? Baby Rhinoceroses.
p542
aVWhy can't the human ear detect a dog's whistle? Because dogs can't whistle.
p543
aVI asked God for a bike, but then I realised God doesn't work that way..So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
p544
aVI don't mean to be pedantic, but does anyone actually have the 'Ghostbusters' number?
p545
aVWhy was the computer tired when it got home from work?Cos it had a hard drive.
p546
aVWhat's orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot.
p547
aVWhy did the tomato blush?Because it saw the salad dressing!
p548
aVMy indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..It was the end of an airer.
p549
aVI don't know why anyone would ever want a pocket calculator.. It's really easy to count how many pockets I've got.
p550
aVMy new girlfriends definitely a keeper.. She stinks of elephant dung!
p551
aVI struggled to lift a bottle of water earlier.. It was an Evian.
p552
aVMy girlfriend just told me she's really randy.. Devastated to find out she's actually a bloke.
p553
aVI once encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
p554
aVI arranged to meet someone last night for some No Strings Attached fun.. I was bitterly disappointed when Pinocchio turned up.
p555
aVA woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double-entendre. So he gives her one.
p556
aVWhat do you call the kid who finally stands up to the bullies? An ambulance.
p557
aVMy wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension..She said she just couldn't take it any longer.
p558
aVMary had a little lamb, and then she had dessert.
p559
aVWhat's big, green and has a trunk? An unripe elephant.
p560
aVI just got a car for my wife. Great swap!
p561
aVPeople keep telling me I've got a good head on my shoulders..I wish they'd stop pointing out that I haven't got a neck.
p562
aVI read in the paper that you can support a child in Africa for just £20 a year. So I sent my kids there.
p563
aVMy father died of exhaustion after winning the Tour de France,I told him not to do a lap of honour...
p564
aVWhat's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.
p565
aVThieves have broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels & deodorant. The dirty bastards!
p566
aVI keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards,No one knows what I'm dealing with.
p567
aVThere are countless films without dracula in them..
p568
aVI had to shut down my lesbian poultry dating agency. I was struggling to make hens meet.
p569
aVI've no idea why my dog always goes mad whenever someone comes to the front door..It's hardly ever for him.
p570
aVHow do birds see what's behind them?By looking in their wing mirrors.
p571
aV"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cat." "Oh really, how long have you felt like this?""Ever since I was a kitten."
p572
aVMy mate just showed me his amazing new wind turbine..I was blown away!
p573
aVNever get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue..For the Devil has many forms.
p574
aVI told my wife she'd look better with her hair back. She was furious!I guess it was wrong to say that to a woman who's gone bald.
p575
aVI just love the F5 key on my keyboard. It's so refreshing.
p576
aVHow did Darth Vader know what Luke has gotten him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
p577
aVI just hit 180 going down the M6 and people told me car darts was a bad idea..
p578
aV'Age is just a number'. Nonsense! It's quite clearly a word!
p579
aVMy best mate died after taking an 'E'. The security at the Countdown TV studio don't mess about!
p580
aVMy father didn't love me as a child. Not surpirising really, I wasn't born until he was an adult.
p581
aVDid you hear about the pancake that went on a killing spree? He just flipped.
p582
aVIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.
p583
aVOur old sofa felt terrible.. but now it's fully recovered.
p584
aVI bought a new thesaurus today. It's okay I suppose, nothing to write house about.
p585
aVHere's a bit of advice for you. Advi.
p586
aVI have the attention of a goldfish. It's been staring at me for a few minutes now.
p587
aVI was hanging with a group of friends this morning when I realised.. I probably shouldn't have joined a suicide cult.
p588
aVMy doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath..but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!
p589
aVMy wife caught me in bed with an optical illusion.I told her it's not what it looks like.
p590
aVI went to a record shop and I asked 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said: 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!'
p591
aVMy wife just served me dinner, she made a terrible mess. I told her she'd be better off using a tennis ball.
p592
aVI just drove my car to a 4x4 specialist..It turns out the answer is 16.
p593
aVWhat do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.
p594
aVI waited for my wife to leave then went upstairs & slipped on a pair of her knickers. I wish she wouldn't leave them lying around like that.
p595
aVI've just finished filling my tank with petrol.. Now all my goldfish are dead.
p596
aVSo sick of my best mate laughing at my virginity.. After joking about it for the 100th time..I finally lost it with him!
p597
aVMy mate has a butler with a missing left arm, serves him right.
p598
aVI think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew it's seams.
p599
aVMy girlfriend cried the day I proposed to her on an escalator. It was moving.
p600
aVMy girlfriend kept going on about how much she loves drunken holiday sex.. Worst postcard ever!
p601
aVWhy can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?
p602
aVI have a £50 note but it's made of metal..I think it may be forged.
p603
aVWhy don't Arctic foxes eat penguins? Cos they can't get the wrappers off.
p604
aVMy friend had amnesia and couldn't remember how to walk up the stairs, So I had to go back and teach him step by step.
p605
aVMy wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. How could she say that?
p606
aVMy mate told me that his wife could do with losing a few pounds. So I mugged her.
p607
aVShe sells sea shells by the sea shore..Surely that's the worst possible place to try and sell shells..
p608
aVI used to be a tap dancer, but I kept falling in the sink.
p609
aVI've been revising for a practical exam on pest control. I was up all night swatting.
p610
aVMy grandfather was a baker for the army. When he went to war, he went in all buns glazing.
p611
aVI couldn't decide wether or not to sell my bed. So I slept on it.
p612
aVMan: Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a wigwam and a tepee. Doctor: Calm down, you're two tents.
p613
aVI've fallen in love. Were the last words I heard from my wife as she went overboard.
p614
aVHow do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye.
p615
aVI love my alarm clock. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
p616
aVI cannot help being lazy. It walks in the family.
p617
aVI was gonna throw all of my socks in the bin, but I got cold feet.
p618
aVA man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't like your tie-pin here."
p619
aVWhy was the mortgage sad? Because it was a loan.
p620
aVMy dad just came first in a drag race. I had no idea a man could run so fast in a cocktail dress and high heels!
p621
aVWhat do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost.
p622
aVWeighing an elephant is just like weighing a human..But on a much bigger scale.
p623
aVI've decided to marry a pencil,I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
p624
aVI rang the council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house. They said "You can cartwheel down the street for all we care"
p625
aVI'd like to go to Holland one day. Wooden shoe?
p626
aVAt school we discussed the great rulers. I opted for the Helix 30cm shatterproof.
p627
aVMy grandfather was ill so the Doctor told us to try covering him with lard..He went downhill pretty quickly after that.
p628
aVHow do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill.
p629
aVMy mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water...I think he meant well.
p630
aVMy wife reckoned she could sing more football terrace songs than me.  But I beat her easily. She had no chants.
p631
aVHow did the prawn meet his girlfriend? On the net.
p632
aVIf I make you breakfast in bed, A simple 'Thank you' is all I need. Not all this 'Who are you & what are you doing in my house?' Nonsense.
p633
aVPolice are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match. They need to catch him before he strikes again.
p634
aVMy best mate was a hairdresser. He passed away recently, but at least he died doing what he loved..Dying.
p635
aVI've just bought a border collie.The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
p636
aVThis guy just had a go at me for scratching his CD, so I ripped him a new one!
p637
aVSome guy just came to the door saying he was collecting for the local childrens home, so I gave him my kids.
p638
aVI've just seen the new Batman trailer. I prefer the Batmobile.
p639
aVMy wife has no hands. I feel for her.
p640
aVHow do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.
p641
aVI've decided to stop wearing glasses. Cos it makes me look harder.
p642
aVWhen I'm in America I drive on the right side of the road, which is of course the left.
p643
aVI'm against public protests, but I don't know how to show it.
p644
aVWanna hear a knock-knock joke? Okay, Two guys walk into a bar..
p645
aVThe word 'Gnba' really makes me angry. It's bang out of order!
p646
aVMy last wish with the genie was either for a brilliant memory or a huge penis. I forgot which one I chose.
p647
aVWhen I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof. I was shocked!
p648
aVI used to earn a living doing backing vocals. I can still remember the words "This vehicle is reversing".
p649
aVA Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
p650
aVI come from a long line of Conga dancers.
p651
aVMy sister just had a baby boy, they've decided to call him Mark, but with a C. Cark
p652
aVTo Err is Human, to Arrr is Pirate!
p653
aVDo you ever get half way through eating a horse and you realise you weren't as hungry as you thought?
p654
aVI don't know why I bought this new coconut shampoo. I haven't even got any coconuts.
p655
aVI called up a takeaway and said "do you deliver" They said "No, we do lamb, chicken or fish"
p656
aVWho's in charge of the hankies? The handkerchief..
p657
aVA nose walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry sir but I can't serve you....You're clearly off your face"
p658
aVI'm currently writing a mystery novel. Or am I?
p659
aVMy local Balti house has a wardrobe that leads to a magical land. Naania.
p660
aVI'm in a heavy metal band. I play lead..
p661
aVMy mate is a professional jester, but he's currently out of work. He's nobody's fool!
p662
aVOn holiday with my wife and I cannot believe how tiny and revealing her bikini is. The colour suits me though.
p663
aVA contestant just accused me of being an unfair gameshow host. Point taken!
p664
aVTwo inmates escaped from prison, one is 6'9 the other is 3'4. Police are hunting high and low.
p665
aVI just stole a guys wallet and he chased me for almost three miles. I gave him a good run for his money.
p666
aVWhat do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements? Bernadette.
p667
aVI just finished my degree in ballet. I got a 2:2.
p668
aVI went to the library and asked if they had any books on kittens. The librarian replied "No sorry, all of our books are on shelves".
p669
aVWhy does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if it lifted both it would fall over.
p670
aVI left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I wonder what she's up to now?..
p671
aVThe last time I saw my sister was at an Oasis concert. I was standing in the croud shouting "Go Oasis Go!". I haven't seen her since.
p672
aVA man had 33 bulls & 33 cows Each pair had a calf. He thought he now had 99 cattle, but he had 100. When he rounded them up.
p673
aVI've spent all day looking for my cat with one eye..I should have used both eyes really.
p674
aVI just got a hair cut. Now I'm thinking about getting all the others cut too.
p675
aVI've decided to take the day off today. From now on it will simply be known as 'To'
p676
aVMy wife accused me of having OCD. I soon put her in her place.
p677
aVElvis Presley was clearly illiterate. It's L for Las Vegas, Not V!
p678
aVWanna know what really makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.
p679
aVI've no idea why my new plug in air fresherner won't work. I plug it in and switch it on. Nothing! It just doesn't make scents.
p680
aVWhat do you use to make a walrus smooth? Seal irons.
p681
aVI said to the doctor "Can you give me something for my liver?" So he gave me a pound of onions.
p682
aVHow do you make Anti-freeze? Hide her blankets.
p683
aVMy wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then we met.
p684
aVIt takes balls to be a transvestite.
p685
aVDid you hear about the one legged sumo wrestler? He was a total pushover.
p686
aVMy Dad lost his job at the cemetary after burying someone in the wrong hole. Grave mistake!
p687
aVSo what if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or raise a family? At least I know the whole periodic table of elements!
p688
aVI just got the morning post and one envelope read 'Photographs Do Not Bend'. Liars! I folded it in half really easily!
p689
aVOnce I get a few drinks inside me, I find there is one thing I cannot stand. Up.
p690
aVMe & my mates were at an Indian restaurant & some guys started throwing rice at us. So we threw rice back at them. We had a pilau fight.
p691
aVI'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines. They make me jump.
p692
aVMy ex wife was deaf, she left me for a deaf friend. I should have seen the signs.
p693
aVNot happy with my camping trip travel insurance. Apparently If someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.
p694
aVFor my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap. Drum roll please.
p695
aVTwo naked oiled up women just burst in my house & started wrestling with my wife. Luckily, I was able to knock one out.
p696
aVEvery time I try to pour a round of drinks it ends up all over the floor. I think I need glasses.
p697
aVI almost had a threesome last night. I just needed two more people.
p698
aVWaited in line for hours outside the club last night whilst the doorman checked ID's. He was taking ages.
p699
aV'I' before 'e' except after 'c' has been disproved by science.
p700
aVMy favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called a Lunch.
p701
aVToday I have officially been sober for 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
p702
aVI'm so poor that I've been forced to eat my mates herb garden. I'm living on borrowed thyme!
p703
aVWhat do we want? Another question! When do we want it? Thanks!
p704
aVSean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47Ooh yeah. I'm really into Bond age.
p705
aVI think my mate from the Greater Manchester area may be a transvestite. He has a Wigan address.
p706
aVI just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but I ended up really liking it.
p707
aVMy son starts school on Monday and is so scared of being picked on. I guess it's my own fault for calling him 'Someoneyourownsize'
p708
aVSo you're here for crap jokes? Well check this one out! one.
p709
aVI have kleptomania, but it's okay. I'm taking something for it.
p710
aVI have an EpiPen, My best mate gave it to me as he lay dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
p711
aVI just bought an awful cheap thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful!
p712
aVA man in a pub asks for a pack of helicopter-flavoured crisps. The barman says "Sorry mate, we've only got plane"
p713
aVWhat can think the unthinkable? An itheberg.
p714
aVI've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
p715
aVI went through 3 whole magazines at the doctors earlier. I would have kept on killing but they wrestled the gun away from me.
p716
aVWhen my wife found out I'd replaced our bed with a trampoline She hit the roof.
p717
aVMe and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel. I won!
p718
aVI like to get around town in a giant hamster ball. It's just how I roll.
p719
aV'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing. Unless you're at a funeral.
p720
aVI hate it when I'm on the treadmill & my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I get off & eat a bacon sandwich.
p721
aVI just took the 6 o'clock Birmingham train. The people from the train company were furious and made me give it back.
p722
aVFirst rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gossip, utter...
p723
aVHow do you stop moles from digging up your garden? Hide their spades.
p724
aVMy love life is like a pack of cards, first it was all hearts and diamonds. Now I'm after a club and a spade!
p725
aVI just got a new ringtone. This anal bleaching really is good!
p726
aVWhen someone is bothering you, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown..but only 5 muscles to pull a trigger.
p727
aVThere was a strike at work today! But then that's not unusual when you work in a bowling alley.
p728
aVI just got a job as a street cleaner. No training, they said. I'd just pick it up as I went along.
p729
aVDo hot blondes get pop-ups saying, "A 37 yr old ugly virgin from Solihull wants to have sex with you"?
p730
aVDont make fun of fat people, they have enough on their plates.
p731
aVThe good thing about life is that even if you're crap at it, you're guaranteed at least two certificates.
p732
aVMy doctor has a great sense of humour. He leaves me in stitches.
p733
aVA plateau is the highest form of flattery.
p734
aVI've started taking steps to cure my alcoholism. It hasn't worked, I've just got loads of angry window cleaners after me.
p735
aVMy doctor told me I had high blood pressure, I took this news like I do everything else. With a pinch of salt.
p736
aVI've lost loads of weight this month! This whole 'not having any money for food' thing is really working out well.
p737
aVI can't believe how dangerous the world is. Just yesterday, I went into a McDonalds toilets and mugged someone.
p738
aVI've always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn't speak to them for 2 years.
p739
aVWhat's the difference between pink and purple? The grip.
p740
aVWhat stands in a field and goes "Oooooh!"? A cow with no lips.
p741
aVIf I asked you to sleep with me, Yes or No. Would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?
p742
aVI've been engaged quite a few times, but never took the plunge. There have been quite a few near Mrs.
p743
aV"The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium," Tom said halfheartedly.
p744
aVWhen the wheel was invented. It started a revolution.
p745
aVThe invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.
p746
aVTwo years ago I asked my dream girl on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no on both occasions.
p747
aVI was gonna go hiking in the hills with my mate Max, but he refused to go. He's a real anti-climb Max.
p748
aVI've been hard at work all day. I had no idea viagra lasted so long!
p749
aVWhy was the detective fired after the peanut factory robbery? Cos he refused to deal with a nut case.
p750
aVDescribe yourself in three words. 1) Lazy 2) 3)
p751
aVMy doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.
p752
aVWho's the coolest person in a hospital? The ultra sound guy.
p753
aVHow many oranges grow on the average orange tree? All of them.
p754
aVEinstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too!
p755
aVWhat do you call a woman sat under a cow? Pat.
p756
aVVelcro. What a rip-off!
p757
aVI was gonna send my awful 'Fish in Herb Sauce' back to the chef. But I'm not sure sure if it's the thyme or the plaice.
p758
aVWhat do you call a man who always wins? Victor!
p759
aV"Torture me" said the masochist. "No" the sadist smiled.
p760
aVWe once had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope & Steve Jobs.  Now we have no Cash, no Hope & no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!
p761
aVI went back this girls place and she had a 10-foot lightswitch. It was a massive turnoff!
p762
aVWhat do you get if you jump into the red sea? Wet.
p763
aVI couldn't stay awake at work. I kept falling asleep & dreaming I was the Michelin man. I was very tyred.
p764
aVI've just had a ploughman's lunch. He wasn't very happy about it.
p765
aVTwo cows in a field, one says "moooooooooooo". The other cow says "Damn.. I was gonna say that!"
p766
aVHow do you make a horse drink? Put it in a blender.
p767
aVWhere there's a will, there's a relative.
p768
aVI took my wife's family out for tea and biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.
p769
aVMy computer just beat me at chess. Beat its ass at kickboxing though..
p770
aVMy house cleaner is getting really annoying. She keeps asking me to move out & says she wants a divorce.
p771
aVI bought my wife a desk-lamp for her birthday, her face is really gonna light up when she sees it.
p772
aVI have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.
p773
aVA man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road"
p774
aVI told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
p775
aVThe man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
p776
aVI wonder what 'DON'T TOUCH' is in Braille?
p777
aVI walked down a street & the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB.It was a trip down memory lane.
p778
aVAll in all... it was a good orgy.
p779
aVI've got 22 notches on my bedpost. It's not easy trying to stab somebody in the dark.
p780
aVI just love the smell of Grandma's cooking. So I set fire to an old peoples home.
p781
aVWhat was more useful than the invention of the first telephone? The second telephone.
p782
aVThe label on my biscuits said "Store in a cool place "So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.
p783
aVWhen is it bad luck to have a black cat cross your path? When you're a mouse.
p784
aVOur chemist was robbed of its stock of Viaga yesterday. Police are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
p785
aVI found out recently that my wife had an affair with a dwarf. I can't believe she would stoop so low.
p786
aVAs a masochist I enjoy getting up at 3am & having a cold shower. So I don't.
p787
aVAncient Chinese Proverb: Man who run behind car get exhausted.
p788
aVI'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
p789
aVMy ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed. I've been erased from her mammary.
p790
aVTwo cats named 123 & Une-Deux-Trois swam across a river. 123 Cat made it but Une-Deux-Trois Cat Sank.
p791
aVWhat's ET short for? Cos he's only got little legs.
p792
aVI was once arrested for resisting arrest. I still don't know how.
p793
aVWhat kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
p794
aVI walked into a bar with my pet newt. The bartender asked 'What's that thing? Its tiny' 'I know, Its my newt'
p795
aVDuring which battle was Lord Nelson killed? His last one.
p796
aVTwo men fighting in a restaurant. One threw a prawn cocktail at the other and said. "That's just for starters"
p797
aVI'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
p798
aVHad a massage today, I came away in a foul mood. They rubbed me up the wrong way.
p799
aVI call my wife treasure, cos she looks like she's just been dug up.
p800
aVI was sat in traffic the other day. Got hit by a car.
p801
aVNobel Peace Prize, I'd kill for one of those!
p802
aV"My career is in ruins!" said the archaeologist.
p803
aVIs it 'I will RUN through a camping site'? Or 'I will RAN through a camping site'? (Cos it's past tents)
p804
aVI'll never forget my granddad's last words..He said 'That bus is going quite fast'.
p805
aVI've always wanted to be a doctor, but I've never had the patience.
p806
aVMy wife broke up with me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. But I intend to win her back.
p807
aVThe past, the present and the future were having an argument. It was tense.
p808
aVMy Grandma died on her 100th birthday. It was a real shame as we were only half way though giving her the bumps.
p809
aVI just wrote a really awesome song about a fajita. Well it's more of a wrap really.
p810
aVI just bought some expensive venison. It's dead deer.
p811
aVA mummy covered in chocolate & nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
p812
aVI met my wife on the net. We were both terrible trapeze artists.
p813
aVDid you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? It had mittens.
p814
aVI remember how much things changed when my last girlfriend got pregnant. Like my name, address and telephone number.
p815
aVMy wife wanted to be taken out somewhere expensive, so I took her to a petrol station.
p816
aVI heard women love a man in uniform, so I got a job working at McDonalds.
p817
aVWhy do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
p818
aVWhat do you cal a fly that has retired? A flew.
p819
aVHow do you keep an idiot in suspense?
p820
aVWhat ended in 1887? 1886.
p821
aVWhat's blue & looks like a bucket? A blue bucket. What's red & looks like a bucket? A blue bucket in disguise.
p822
aVMy grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it though.
p823
aVDid you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
p824
aVWhy did the baker have dirty hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
p825
aVI intend to live forever or die trying!
p826
aVA girl I fancy just phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
p827
aVI was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, 'What have you got there?' I replied 'Hummus'
p828
aVI fought a guy on some moving stairs today, we started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there!
p829
aVMy doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics. It runs in my genes.
p830
aVMy local theatre is showing a play called 'The Dictionary'. It's a play on words.
p831
aVIf you loiter in a Tibetan holy leader's sandwich shop, You dilly dally in the dalai's deli.
p832
aVI arranged a pessimists meeting today, it wasn't a great turn out. The room was half empty.
p833
aVDid you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
p834
aVNo matter how much you push the envelope, it will always remain stationary.
p835
aVDid you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?. Well, well, well!
p836
aVWhat do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
p837
aVResearch shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
p838
aVWhat did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe damnit breathe!
p839
aVHow do you confuse a moron? 16.
p840
aVMary Rose sat on a nail Mary rose.
p841
aVI don't like birthdays. Too many will kill you.
p842
aVI took my tomcats to get neutered today. No hard felines.
p843
aVWhat's the difference between a well dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
p844
aVOur ice cream man was found slumped in his van, covered with hundreds & thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
p845
aVMy mate just spent £30 on a chicken that doesn't lay eggs. Cock.
p846
aVWhat's red and bad for your teeth? A house brick.
p847
aVI poured spot-remover on my dog and now he's gone.
p848
aVWhy did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke hadn't been invented yet.
p849
aVComic Sans walks into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the barman. "We don't serve your type."
p850
aVWho will take the second shot in the pub snooker game? We'll find out after the break.
p851
aVI think my brother is heading for another breakdown. He's an AA man.
p852
aVJust got a text 'I'm so dirty. I need you to do me right now'. Unfortunately it was from the dishes in my sink.
p853
aVWhy did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.
p854
aVI met somebody at work today called William Hill. What are the odds?
p855
aVWhat do you call a guy who lives in a bush? Russell.
p856
aVWhat do you call a man in a slow-cooker? Stu.
p857
aVI went to the supermarket to buy some ingredients to make soup, but they were out of stock.
p858
aVI take steps to avoid lifts.
p859
aVI took a poll recently and 100% of people were annoyed that their tent had fallen down.
p860
aVI was so upset the day I found my first grey hairs. I thought I'd dye.
p861
aVI'd like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers on his bus.
p862
aVWhy can't T-Rexes clap their hands? Cos they're extinct.
p863
aVI hate being manic depressive. It's great!
p864
aVCalifornia has the highest rates of depression & adultery in America. Such a sad state of affairs.
p865
aVWhat do you call a man who lives in a back street? Ali.
p866
aVThe local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No fence. Nun taken.
p867
aVYou've seen one shopping centre. You've seen the mall.
p868
aVI named my Iphone "Titanic". It's syncing now.
p869
aVMy dog went to the flea circusand stole the show.
p870
aVJust saw a sign'Mute budgie for sale - Not going cheap'.
p871
aVI never let my children listen to jazz or classical music. It's full of sax and violins.
p872
aVI've got a perfect chicken proof garden. It's impeccable
p873
aVI just saw a man & woman at the supermarket wrapped in a barcode. I thought "They must be an item".
p874
aVWhenever I see a sign that says 'keep off the grass'. I wonder how it got there.
p875
aVWhat do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid.
p876
aVI ate the CRAZIEST snack at the pub last night. It was nuts.
p877
aVI asked the cashier at the window of the service station for a Galaxy. She came back with a Milky Way.
p878
aVI was once cast as Oliver in a silent interpretation of Oliver Twist, It was brilliant. I couldn't ask for more!
p879
aVGames that involve throwing a 2 kilo circular object as far as possible have no place at the Olympics. Discus.
p880
aVWords cannot express how limited my vocabulary is.
p881
aVWhy did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila!
p882
aVMet a girl in the club last night, she said "Take me home & I will do literally anything you want." Best omelette EVER!
p883
aVA cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi".
p884
aVI saw a sign in a second hand shop 'Half price TV - no volume control' I thought "I can't turn that down!"
p885
aVI need a filling, but I've been to the dentist before so it's okay. I know the drill.
p886
aVWhat do you call a guy in a lot of debt? Owen.
p887
aVI told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!
p888
aVI used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
p889
aVWhere does a cucumber go to get drunk? A salad bar.
p890
aVDid you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.
p891
aVSay "poo" and your mouth does the same motion as your anus. The exact same can be said for "violent explosive diarrhoea"
p892
aVI've just been on a positive thinking course. It was crap.
p893
aVThe worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.
p894
aVWhy do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!
p895
aVWhat's green and climbs walls? An overly ambitious cucumber.
p896
aVWhat's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
p897
aVWhen Dad died I vowed not to follow in his footsteps, I'd take a different path. In fact I'd avoid minefields altogether.
p898
aVPolice are after the 'knitting needle nutter' who's stabbed 6 people. They believe he's following some kind of pattern.
p899
aVI've spent the last 3 years looking for my ex-wife's killer. Still can't find anyone to do it.
p900
aVHow many immature people does it take to change a lightbulb? Your Mother!
p901
aVBuild a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.
p902
aVMirror inspector. Now there's a job I could really see myself doing!
p903
aVHow do snails fight? They slug it out.
p904
aVI used to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean.
p905
aVI used to be attention seeking, but look at me now!
p906
aVI can see no end, I have no control, I have no home & there's no escape. Definitely need a new keyboard.
p907
aVWhat do you give to the man who has everything? Penicillin.
p908
aVWhy didn't the teddy bear eat his dessert? Because he was stuffed.
p909
aVI just saw a guy in the pub carrying 12 pints of lager. I thought, that guy can really hold his drink.
p910
aVI booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late. She loved me wrong time.
p911
aVWhen people ask why I'm still single. I tell them I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.
p912
aVI guess you heard about me weeing in the newsagents yesterday? It was all over the papers.
p913
aVA limbo dancer walks into a bar and loses the competition.
p914
aVI don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons.
p915
aVI'll never forget what Grandma said before she kicked the bucket. She said "Look how far I can kick this bucket".
p916
aVI had to quit my job at the orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate.
p917
aVKeyring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at once.
p918
aVIt must be difficult to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one & all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
p919
aVI recently lost my grandfather. That's the last time I take him to Ikea!
p920
aVI had to quit my job fitting tyres at the garage. I just couldn't handle the pressure.
p921
aV"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?" thought the spider.
p922
aVWhat did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
p923
aVWhat did the hat say to the scarf? "You hang around - I'll go on a head."
p924
aVMy parents divorced because my mother had an affair with a demolition man. Home wrecker!
p925
aVI was so excited when the hosepipe ban was lifted. I wet my plants.
p926
aVMy mate just lost his job at the pet shop. The boss caught him with his hand in the trill.
p927
aVI went to a seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel.
p928
aVLast night I dreamt that I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.
p929
aVA new horror film. A sadist traps snowmen & forces them to melt bits of themselves to escape. Thaw.
p930
aVI put my clothes on the line earlier. I think my gambling addiction has gone too far.
p931
aVWent to the barbers today and had a no. 2. I thought it was just a fart but I ended up following through.
p932
aVTime flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
p933
aVI've just been assaulted by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on me!
p934
aVI phoned a helpline about my weak bladder problem. It's 1p a minute.
p935
aVI hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.
p936
aVWhy do birds fly south for the winter? Cos it's too far to walk.
p937
aVWhy don't oysters give to charity? Cos they're shellfish.
p938
aVI'm not happy with the results of my cheap circumcision. It was a total rip-off!
p939
aVWhat's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
p940
aVI went to the local zoo but all that they had was one small dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
p941
aVA mute incontinent. Goes without saying.
p942
aVI used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.
p943
aVI'm terrified of negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
p944
aVI wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
p945
aVSomeone stole my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
p946
aVWhat's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A snooker table.
p947
aVI hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
p948
aVIt takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
p949
aVToday I accidentally sent a naked pic of myself to my entire address book. Cost me a fortune in stamps.
p950
aVI'm giving away my roof for free It's on the house!
p951
aVI went to the doctors with a strawberry growing on my bum. The doctor said "I've got some cream for that"
p952
aVWhatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...
p953
aVWhat do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
p954
aVI took a urine test at the hospital today. My kleptomania is really getting out of control.
p955
aVA dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight. It was tooth and nail.
p956
aVTwo pens had a race. The result was a draw.
p957
aVThere was a young Man from Peru, whose limerick stopped at line two.
p958
aVLately I've been feeling a void in my life. It's probably nothing.
p959
aVI was gonna tell a joke about a cookie. But it's too crummy.
p960
aVWhat do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people.
p961
aVIf vegetarians love animals so much then why do they keep eating their food?
p962
aVOur house doesn't have enough electrical sockets. It's a real power struggle.
p963
aVI used to be a plastic surgeon. That raised a few eyebrows.
p964
aVWhy have elephants got big ears? Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom.
p965
aVWhat's pink and slippery? A slipper.
p966
aVI don't know why this bottle of whiskey tastes so good, but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
p967
aVIf I had a penny for every time someone gave me their dog to look after. I'd have a pound.
p968
aVI occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked, but that's rare.
p969
aVEvery time I get undress in the bathroom the shower gets turned on.
p970
aVI was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
p971
aVWhat do you call a man with a car number plate on his head? Reg.
p972
aVMy son took his first steps this morning. The window cleaner was furious.
p973
aVI say no to alcoho, but it never listens.
p974
aVI took an airline to court over my missing luggage. They lost the case.
p975
aVAn E-Flat, a G-Flat & a B-Flat walk into a bar. The barman says "sorry but we don't serve minors".
p976
aVDon't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
p977
aVMy fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.
p978
aVWhats small red and whispers? A hoarse radish.
p979
aVWomen only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly & poor.
p980
aVMy friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
p981
aVDentists are going on strike: brace yourselves.
p982
aVI love Dry erase boards. They're remarkable.
p983
aVWhy didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out.
p984
aVMy pencil isn't prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.
p985
aVTwo silk worms had a race. It ended in a tie.
p986
aVMy mate is just not the same since he almost drowned in a vat of lemon juice. It's left him very bitter
p987
aVWhat do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head? Claude!
p988
aVWhat's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
p989
aVI'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop any time I want.
p990
aVI do a ton of sit-ups every morning. That snooze button really gets a hammering.
p991
aVThe first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".
p992
aVWent to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me.
p993
aVI just got back from the corner shop. Bought some corners.
p994
aVWhat do you call a guy with no arms or legs. On the floor? - Matt. In the sea? - Bob In a hole? - Phil
p995
aVHow do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.
p996
aVI was so upset the other day by an out-of-body experience. I was beside myself.
p997
aVI Slept like a baby last night. I shit myself and woke up screaming.
p998
aVIt's "Jamaican hairstyle day" at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
p999
aVSomeone very close to me died the other day. Luckily the bus wasn't full so I just changed seats.
p1000
aVSometimes I use long words I don't fully understand. To try & make myself sound more photosynthesis.
p1001
aVI got to work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk. I don't know what to make of it.
p1002
aVWhen is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
p1003
aVWhat do you call a Bear that's missing an ear? A 'B'
p1004
aVMy crazy mate just jumped into a river in Paris. He's in Seine.
p1005
aVWhat's black & white and eats like a horse? A Zebra.
p1006
aVI'm making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone. It's called Star Key & Hash.
p1007
aVMy mate just lost both hands in a horrible accident. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels.
p1008
aVWhat do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.
p1009
aVThe only time incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.
p1010
aVMy toothpaste gets jealous when I try to use other brands. It's ultra-sensitive.
p1011
aVI met a girl in town who told me she'd show me a good time. Then she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
p1012
aVAfter a recent accident, I managed to save loads of money on my car insurance. By driving away really quickly.
p1013
aVThere's no "I" in Denial.
p1014
aVA cement mixer collided with a prison van. People are warned to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.
p1015
aVMy dog just chased some kid on a bike, I had no idea my dog could even ride a bike.
p1016
aVFinancially I'm set for life. As long as I die next Thursday.
p1017
aVI dated a girl with a lazy eye, but it didn't work out. She was seeing someone else on the side.
p1018
aVWhat do you call a row of boxers stood side by side? A punchline.
p1019
aVThe doctor who did my circumcision was terrible. He got the sack.
p1020
aVI forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
p1021
aVAn old lady at the bank asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
p1022
aVDid you hear about the elf that got pick-pocketed? How could anyone stoop so low?
p1023
aVI have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.
p1024
aVMy wife laughed when I told her I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She soon shut up when I drove pasta.
p1025
aVDid you hear about the dyslexic rock star? He choked to death on his own Vimto.
p1026
aVWhat do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
p1027
aVMy friend told me today that I don't understand what irony is. Which was ironic, because we were at a bus stop.
p1028
aVHow do you make a cat flap? Throw it off a cliff.
p1029
aVWhat word becomes shorter when you add letters to it? Short.
p1030
aVWhy don't snakes have balls? Because they're terrible dancers.
p1031
aVWhy don't boxers have sex the night before a fight? Because they don't fancy each other.
p1032
aVI'm a virgin for religious reasons. God made me really ugly.
p1033
aVSometimes I put my head between my legs and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
p1034
aVI thought if I took the shell off my racing snail it would go faster. If anything it seems more sluggish.
p1035
aVI just recently ended a 5 year relationship. It's OK though, it wasn't my relationship.
p1036
aVWhat has four legs and goes boo? A cow with a cold.
p1037
aVTwo drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tish!
p1038
aVI was trying to fix my computer when I got a bad shock off the processor. It megaHz.
p1039
aVIf you ever get attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.
p1040
aVLast night my mate and I watched all 3 'Lord of the Rings' movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
p1041
aVI can jump higher than the average house. Because the average house can't jump.
p1042
aVMy best mate told me to treat his house as if it were my own. So I sold it.
p1043
aVWhy don't cannibals like clowns? Cos they taste funny.
p1044
aVIt's difficult for me to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells by the seashore.
p1045
aVI was struggling to work out how lightning works. Then it struck me.
p1046
aVI was gonna tell a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.
p1047
aVI stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
p1048
aV..and the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But he came fifth and won a toaster.
p1049
aVWhat do you call a girl standing between two goal posts? Annette.
p1050
aVHow do football players cool down during a game? They stand near the fans.
p1051
aVSome guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
p1052
aVI've been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.
p1053
aVI'll never tell anyone that I'm secretly addicted to eating glue. My lips are sealed.
p1054
aVHow many people who are terrible at telling jokes, does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.
p1055
aVA hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with the atomic number 82. I'm easily lead.
p1056
aVA book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.
p1057
aVWhat do you call a kid with one arm, buck teeth, a monobrow and an eyepatch? Names.
p1058
aVI was gonna tweet a really good joke but the stupid autocorrect on my phone keeps ruining the lunchtime.
p1059
aVI got my hair cut yesterday. At first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me.
p1060
aVI just saw some guy chatting up a cheetah. He's trying to pull a fast one.
p1061
aVWhoever stole my copy of Microsoft office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay. You have my word!
p1062
aVThe wife insists we need more garden furniture. Not sure if I agree. I'm on the fence.
p1063
aVI never go to funerals. I'm just not a mourning person.
p1064
aVWhy doesn't Mike Tyson play Playstation? He's an Xboxer.
p1065
aVTwo fish in a tank. One says to the other; "You man the guns and I'll drive"
p1066
aVI don't know why, but someone keeps mysteriously adding soil to my allotment patch each night. The plot thickens.
p1067
aVWhy did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
p1068
aVA sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve food in here'
p1069
aVWhy couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.
p1070
aVWhat's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.
p1071
aVIf you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes.
p1072
aVOn which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside.
p1073
aVI went to the doctors the other day and asked if he had anything for wind. So he gave me a kite.
p1074
aVSlept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
p1075
aVWhy was Cinderella kicked off the football team?Because she kept running away from the ball.
p1076
aVI cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
p1077
aVWhat's brown and sticky? A Stick.
p1078
aVWhy did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.
p1079
aVI won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia!
p1080
aVDid you hear about the red ship that crashed into the blue ship? All of the sailors were marooned.
p1081
aVWhat sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!
p1082
aVDid you hear about the overly sensitive burglar? He was always taking things personally.
p1083
aVI put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room. I wanted to make it look more classy.
p1084
aVI spent most of last night in jail. Couldn't roll a double for the life of me.
p1085
aVI stubbed my toe in a library once. I had to suffer in silence.
p1086
aVI've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables. I'd better lilo.
p1087
aVWhich word in the Dictionary is always spelled wrong? Wrong.
p1088
aVWhat do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
p1089
aVWhat lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
p1090
aVWhy is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? Cos if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.
p1091
aVWhat's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
p1092
aVWhat cheese is made backwards? Edam.
p1093
aVWhat do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back? A Stick.
p1094
aVWhat's white and can't climb trees? A Fridge
p1095
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Chester. Chester who? Chester Drawers.
p1096
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Euripides. Euripides who? Euripides trouser, you menda these trousers.
p1097
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Thistle. Thistle who? Thistle be the last time I knock.
p1098
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Tuna. Tuna who? Tuna violin.
p1099
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Adder. Adder who? Adder big breakfast this morning.
p1100
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Francis. Francis who? Francis next to Germany.
p1101
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes Who? Dishes just another bad knock knock joke.
p1102
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Disguise. Disguise who? Disguise d' limit !
p1103
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, here I come!
p1104
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Yah. Yah who?I didn't know you were a cowboy.
p1105
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Woo. Woo who? Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.
p1106
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Panther. Panther who? Panther what you wear under your troutherth.
p1107
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Control freak. Now you say control freak who!
p1108
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Dismay. Dismay who? Dismay be a bad joke but I think it's funny.
p1109
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? No Car go vroom vroom.
p1110
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Nobel. Nobel who? No bell so I had to knock.
p1111
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Wooden Shoe. Wooden Shoe who? Wooden Shoe like to hear another joke?
p1112
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Alex. Alex who? Alex the questions around here!
p1113
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I'm fine thank you Hawaii you?
p1114
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Dumbell. Dumbell who? Dumb bell doesn't work so I had to knock.
p1115
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? A door is between us. Open up!
p1116
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? Don't call me a poo!
p1117
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? Doughnut ask, it's a secret.
p1118
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you!
p1119
aVKnock, knock. Who's There? Impatient Cow. Impatient Cow wh...Mooooo!
p1120
aVKnock, Knock. Who's There? Boo. Boo Who? No need to cry it's just a joke
p1121
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes the Police come out with your hands up.
p1122
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? A Pile-Up. A Pile-Up Who? Ewwwwww
p1123
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Old lady. Old lady who? Wow I didn't know you could yodel.
p1124
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning.
p1125
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking!
p1126
aVI'm going on a blind date tonight. I hope our dogs get on.
p1127
aVWent to a chemist yesterday & said to the pharmacist "Excuse me I'm after some condoms" "Just a minute" he replied. I said"Yes thats them"
p1128
aVHave you heard about the new super sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
p1129
aVWhat gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.
p1130
aVI got an email today from a '32 year old bored housewife, looking for some action'. I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!
p1131
aVI've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth. I think they might be trying to groom me
p1132
aVFOR SALE: Packet of Polo's. Unopened mint condition.
p1133
aVYesterday I found out that my toaster isn't waterproof. I was shocked.
p1134
aVPeople ask if I still enjoy sex at 45?! I live at number 57, so it's not far to go
p1135
aVGoing to see Peter Pan again tonight. Never gets old.
p1136
aVTea is for mugs.
p1137
aVA bloke was shagging his overweight missus, when his phone rings."You'll have to ring me back mate, I'm in the tub" he said.
p1138
aVKetamine - just say neigh.
p1139
aVWhat's the best thing for a hangover? Drink loads the night before.
p1140
aVI drove past my gran's house this morning and saw 11 pints of milk on her doorstep. I thought, 'she must be thirsty today'
p1141
aVHow much does a grand piano cost? £1000
p1142
aVMy dad used to say: "Always fight fire with fire". Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
p1143
aVI'm not saying the wife's fat, but she puts her belt on with a boomerang.
p1144
aVMy Mrs has been told she'll have to lose weight if she wants to become pregnant.I told her.
p1145
aVWhat's big, grey and doesn't matter? An irr-elephant.
p1146
aVMy wife said that I'll find any excuse to drink. Speaking of beer...
p1147
aVFemale wanted, must have own pub. Apply with inn.
p1148
aVIf it's got tits or wheels, sooner or later you're gonna have problems with it.
p1149
aVI said to my wife:"If you lick my balls I'll come". She said; "Fuck off, you're coming shopping with me whether you like it or not!"
p1150
aVWhat's green and smells of pork? Kermit the frogs fingers!
p1151
aVThe Mrs is just like Heather Mills. She only wears half the shoes she buys!
p1152
aVI recently lost my job as a teacher. I got caught shagging the ugliest teacher in the whole school. Gross Miss Conduct
p1153
aVMy doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
p1154
aVOver 90% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past. Silly old fuckers!
p1155
aVMy uncle was jailed for his beliefs. He believed you could wank on the bus.
p1156
aVWhy do men die before their wives? They want to.
p1157
aVMy wife is temperamental. 50% temper, 50% mental.
p1158
aVWife to husband: "let's go out and have some fun tonight". Husband: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on"
p1159
aVMy grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers"
p1160
aVWhat's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits.
p1161
aVLocal news: 'Amputee robber evaded police for 15 days'. That's amazing, considering he wasn't armed.
p1162
aVWhat do you call an aardvark that's just been beaten up? Vark.
p1163
aVI was recently on safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male male lions shagging. I thought "blimey, have they got no pride?"
p1164
aVI always call out my wife's name during sex. Just to make sure she's not around.
p1165
aVDid you hear about the man who fell asleep at the wheel? There was a terrible mess, clay everywhere...
p1166
aVDid you hear about the terrible accident at Spaghetti Junction? Twelve people were injured, and three pastaway.
p1167
aVWhat's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it his a windscreen? It's arse!
p1168
aVThe Mrs got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.
p1169
aVI told my cat I was going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said "Me how?"
p1170
aVIf towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
p1171
aVI'm very good at remembering random facts. For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice. And that's just off the top of my head.
p1172
aVNever have a tactical wank before sex! Trust me, I learned that the soft way.
p1173
aVMy mates laughed at me because my girlfriend is imaginary... Jokes on them, they are too!
p1174
aVMy Mrs has recently started eating sofas, it's weird... But then again she's always had a suite tooth.
p1175
aVMy wife is so ugly she spent 5 hours in the beauty salon... Just getting a price.
p1176
aVHow do frogs die? They Kermit suicide.
p1177
aVI used to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink.
p1178
aVI just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen!
p1179
aVThere are only 3 things that tell the truth: 1 - Young Children 2 - Drunks 3 - Leggings
p1180
aVLast night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I said I had a headache.
p1181
aVI thought that pulling the shell off my racing snail would help it move faster. If anything it became more sluggish.
p1182
aVWhy do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry!
p1183
aVMy girlfriend laughed at me when I said I had a car made from spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
p1184
aVI think my spell Czech is broken.
p1185
aVJust bought a suit made from cactus.I look pretty sharp in it.
p1186
aVMy wife is very big in fashion. She's a size 22.
p1187
aVI saw a woman wearing a t-shirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Implants?"
p1188
aV2 Thai birds asked me to join them for a threesome. It was just like winning the Lottery. We had 6 matching balls.
p1189
aVGuess who I bumped into in the opticians today? Everybody.
p1190
aVI felt like I was on the voice today! I farted on the bus and 4 people turned around.
p1191
aVAn Arab offered me 40 camels for my wife. Unfortunately, I don't smoke.
p1192
aVMarriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.
p1193
aVSome people think there are insects on the Moon. Lunar tics.
p1194
aVNever get stuck behind the Devil in a Post Office queue! The Devil can take many forms.
p1195
aVAlways follow your dreams. Except for that one where you're naked at work.
p1196
aVDid you hear about the guy who bought a sponge door? Can't knock it.
p1197
aVA kitchen knife and a spoon had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
p1198
aVNever moon a werewolf.
p1199
aVIf it wasn't for blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
p1200
aVThought I could hear onions in the fridge singing beegees songs... Turned out it was the chives talking
p1201
aVMy boss has just warned me that he has received complaints I'm a pervert. To be honest, I don't understand why, as I'm always hard at work
p1202
aVMy clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.
p1203
aVA funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning. Thousands of fans attended.
p1204
aVGot thrown out a strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don't see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
p1205
aVJust spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house. That will teach my wife for saying she doesn't need me anymore.
p1206
aVMy wife broke up with me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.
p1207
aVI went up to the manager in Argos today and I said, "I want to buy a watch.""Analogue?" he said. I said, "No mate, just a watch."
p1208
aVYesterday a clown held a door open for me, I thought it was a nice Jester.
p1209
aVMexican friends? I have Juan or two.
p1210
aVWhat do you call a monkey in a minefield? BABOOOOOOM!
p1211
aVDo not trust atoms. They make up everything.
p1212
aVIsn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
p1213
aVI hate being bipolar, it's amazing.
p1214
aVWhat do women and Google have in common?  They both can't ever let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.
p1215
aVI just opened a kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head. I'm alright though, just some superfishoil injuries.
p1216
aVMy girlfriend from Thailand said having a small dick is no problem. I really like her, but I think I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.
p1217
aVWhenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her in.
p1218
aVA boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crew have been marooned.
p1219
aVIts not my fault I have a double-chin. When God was giving out chins, I thought he said Gin. So I said I'll have a double.
p1220
aVMy wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school. So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him.
p1221
aVTook the wife's Valentines present back today. She said she wanted something black and lacy. Turns out she didn't mean football boots.
p1222
aVMy sister asked me if I wanted to wind her new born baby? I thought that's a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg instead.
p1223
aVI cant think of any boat jokes. Canoe?
p1224
aVWhat should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and consider lube.
p1225
aVHave you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world's cheese? The Hallouminati!
p1226
aVWent to a butchers to play poker last week. Left after an hour, the steaks were too high.
p1227
aVMan jumps in a taxi says "King Arthur's Close". Taxi driver says "Don't worry I'll lose him at the lights".
p1228
aVI called my dad from the shop saying I'd forgotten what orange juice he asked for. "Concentrate" he said, but I still couldn't remember!
p1229
aVI just bought some of that coconut shampoo. I don't know why, I've not got a coconut.
p1230
aVWant to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.
p1231
aVDid you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. Cannoli do so much. Now hes just a pizza history.
p1232
aVAs its Valentines Day, the missus has said she'll go on top tonight for a change. I love our bunk beds!
p1233
aVThere's been an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.
p1234
aVI'm in trouble with my wife after she asked where I was taking her today? It seems that over the coffee table was not what she wanted to hear.
p1235
aVIs it better to have loved a midget, than never to have loved a tall?
p1236
aVToday I looked at my wife and thought: This is the only investment which has doubled in my lifetime.
p1237
aVLearning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your partner catch you doing it!
p1238
aVIf love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
p1239
aVGot the missus a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day. She'll be made up! The hoovers as good as new now.
p1240
aVWhat did one light bulb say to the other on Valentine's Day? I love you watts.
p1241
aVWhat gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.
p1242
aVJust been on to travel agents looking for a weekend away somewhere in the Northeast. They said you can't beat Sunderland this time of year.
p1243
aVMy wife said our marriage is becoming stale because I'm not spontaneous. So I waited until she fell asleep and shaved her eyebrows off.
p1244
aVOur last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?". I said "Dust!".
p1245
aVBreaking News Adam Johnson is set to sign for Man United, after hearing they have players Young, Blind and Keane.
p1246
aVUgly birds are just like shopping at Pound Stretcher. You wanna be in and out quickly, before your mates see you!
p1247
aVEven though I've been married for five years I still can't help thinking about the one that got away. My wife's ex. What a lucky bastard.
p1248
aVI have SEXDAILY! I mean DYSLEXIA. Fcuk!
p1249
aVI heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.
p1250
aVI almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!
p1251
aVI've just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that very predictable Edward Scissorhands.
p1252
aVThe amount of people who confuse 'to' and 'too' is amazing two me.
p1253
aVWhat's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 9 pints
p1254
aV"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
p1255
aVJust found out I have a Chinese half brother after all these years. Can't wait to meet Mi Sib Ling.
p1256
aVI was watching porn last night when my mum walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.
p1257
aVI love cooking children and dogs. but I hate using commas.
p1258
aVI finally told my girlfriend that "I Love Her". She text backing saying "I luv u2". I was gutted, I thought what does Bono have that I don't
p1259
aVWhat's long and hard and makes women groan? An Ironing Board.
p1260
aVIf women are so perfect at multi-tasking. How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
p1261
aVWe call our grandad "Spiderman". He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
p1262
aVI can give you one vegetable joke about onions. But that's shallot.
p1263
aVWent for a job as a potato packer. Ended up getting the sack.
p1264
aVWhy did the joke about the roof get no laughs? It went over their heads.
p1265
aVMy brother says I need to stop quoting Run-D.M.C., but it's like that, and that's the way it is.
p1266
aVI know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.
p1267
aVI was playing rugby the other day and thought I'd scored a goal. But everyone just said nice try.
p1268
aVWe've been trying to think of some vegetable jokes. If you can think of any, lettuce know.
p1269
aVMy mate keeps boasting that he owns a 3 foot pack of cards. Big deal.
p1270
aVHave you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.
p1271
aVHarry heard that most accidents happen within two miles of home. So he moved...
p1272
aVMen at 26 plays football, Men at 40 plays tennis, Men at 60 plays golf, have you noticed every time you get older, your balls gets smaller?
p1273
aVI've been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, 'Who are you with?', I automatically say: 'Vodafone'.
p1274
aVAndy Murray has the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of his miserable boring persona! All he has to do is name his new daughter Ruby.
p1275
aVI started a band called 999 Megabytes We haven't got a gig yet.
p1276
aVWhen you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
p1277
aVThere was a prison break & I saw a midget climb the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me. I thought, well thats a little condescending.
p1278
aVI can't believe it's pancake Tuesday again. Honestly, it just crêped up on me.
p1279
aVMy wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
p1280
aVLazy People Fact #5626728943: You were too lazy to read that number.
p1281
aVAs I watched the dog chase his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused.". Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
p1282
aVWhat do you do if your wife keeps moaning at you? Put the phone down and order another drink from the bar.
p1283
aVMy mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted 'Are you gonna help?', I said '6 should be enough!'
p1284
aVI remember the days when 'Blue Ray' was an elderly gentleman who drowned in our local swimming pool.
p1285
aVFound out recently that my wife had an affair with a midget. I can't believe she would stoop so low.
p1286
aVWhat's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
p1287
aVMy recent Google searches: How to detangle my daughter's hair. How to detangle a really, really bad tangle. How to cut out a tangle. Hats.
p1288
aVWhy is abbreviation such a long word?
p1289
aVI had an argument with my friend about his small boat. We fell out.
p1290
aVThe new milk tray man from Liverpool, has been sacked after one day on the job. He delivered the chocolates, but left with a PS4, ipad & TV.
p1291
aVDid you hear about the midget who speaks to dead people that broke out of prison? The police are describing him as a small medium at large.
p1292
aVWent to the annual disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night. Was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was fucking mayhem.
p1293
aVButterflies just aren't what they used to be.
p1294
aVMy Wife has grown a little penis after she started taking steroids."Really, anabolic?" "No, just a little penis".
p1295
aVI wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble.
p1296
aVI think I've cured my wife's fear of being buried alive. The screams stopped about an hour ago.
p1297
aVPeople think I'm stupid, because I have a lisp. I'm thick of it.
p1298
aVThe good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want. As long as you are the one with the vagina.
p1299
aVWhat do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat? An extra-cholesterol.
p1300
aVAbout to watch a film with my girlfriend. Can anyone recommend a girlfriend?
p1301
aVI absolutely hate my mother-in-law. She's actually quite a nice person, but she brought my wife into the world.
p1302
aVLeicester are offering Man city fans a great offer on walkers crisps. It's buy one, get 1-3.
p1303
aVI was shopping with the wife for a present for her mother. She said she wanted something electric. I suggested a chair.
p1304
aVMaybe we should tone it down a notch. The neighbours changed the name of their wifi network to;"We can hear you having sex".
p1305
aVMy girlfriend left me because she says I only ever think about football. I'm gutted, we'd been together for nearly three seasons.
p1306
aVYou put 2 fingers in. Maybe 3, if it's big enough. Oh yeah, now that's how you wash a mug.
p1307
aVMy wife says I'm spoken for.
p1308
aVTwo reasons why I don't drink toilet water. Number 1: Number 2
p1309
aVMy girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, Sushi left me.
p1310
aVA British prisoner has squeezed 4 smuggled mobile phones out of his arse. All chargers have been dropped.
p1311
aVI met my wife at speed dating. She was livid.
p1312
aVHow much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
p1313
aVJust had a look when Sinead O'Connor was last trending on Twitter. It's been 7 hours and 15 days.
p1314
aVIt's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters but found over 15,000 matches
p1315
aVMrs & 3 of her pals squeezed into my car after weight watchers. I muttered "fat cows". The Mrs snapped "What was that!?". I said "You Herd"..
p1316
aVI took the mother in law out the other night. I love being a sniper.
p1317
aVPaddy on a 1st Aid Course Instructor asks: "What do you do if your child swallowed the front door key?". Paddy: "Climb through the window!".
p1318
aVDid you hear about the fella who had five cocks? His undies fit like a glove.
p1319
aVMary has 24 cupcakes she eats 9 at lunchtime, then she eats another 6 at dinner time. What does Mary have now? Diabetes
p1320
aVI pulled a proper fit bird Saturday night! Part Mexican & right up for it. She told me she was dyslexic. I said get your taco, you've pulled!
p1321
aVNo means no, unless she's dyslexic. Then it's on!
p1322
aVThe wife said she wanted to go and see Jeremy Kyle Live for her birthday. So I got her sister pregnant! We're on next Wednesday!
p1323
aVJust had a nice chat with my neighbours teenage daughter. Turns out she's right into UFOs. Which is handy, as she's getting abducted tomorrow.
p1324
aVThe wife complains that I don't take any interest in our children. That's the last time I offer to pick up the fat one from school!
p1325
aV20 seconds left on the microwave! Women:  Set the table, pour the wine, tweet, check Facebook. Men: Start a NASA rocket launch countdown.
p1326
aVI've just phoned and reserved a table to take the Mrs out on valentines night! She will be raging, she hates snooker!
p1327
aVWhen I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches!
p1328
aVI've just found out that the guy that stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
p1329
aVMy sex doll & I have been together for exactly a year today. To celebrate our anniversary, I decided to get her a book: Sex tips for Dummies
p1330
aVI can get you 5000 tampax for a fiver. No strings attached.
p1331
aVSpent all of my wages on skin cream. Bit of a rash decision!
p1332
aVStevie Wonder was given a cheese grater for his birthday. He said that was the most violent book he'd ever read!
p1333
aVWent to a swinger's party last night in my army uniform. Had to leave my khakis in the bowl.
p1334
aVMy parents used to beat me with a phone. I was always on the receiving end.
p1335
aVBeware of alphabet grenades! They could spell disaster!
p1336
aVRomeo&Juliet.doc is a play on Word.
p1337
aVExercise bikes get you nowhere.
p1338
aVYou know you're ugly when a boiling kettle won't even give you a whistle.
p1339
aVMy wife said she's leaving me because she can't handle my OCD. "Close the door ten times on your way out," I said.
p1340
aVI hate all this terrorist bollocks! Gone are the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube & think, I'll fucking have that!
p1341
aVMy wife bought a sheepskin burka for the cold weather.She looks like mutton dressed Islam.
p1342
aVTo the thief in the wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can't run.
p1343
aVDim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.
p1344
aVMy wife dresses to kill! Unfortunately she cooks the same.
p1345
aVI've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now where the fuck do I get some kids from?.
p1346
aVMy driving instructor told me to wear a seatbelt or the force could throw me out of the car. I can't believe he thinks Star Wars is real.
p1347
aVI'd love to live in an old disused lighthouse. I don't want anything flashy.
p1348
aVI was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy though.
p1349
aVI had a dream I was a muffler last night. Woke up exhausted.
p1350
aVMight wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery, odds are about the same.
p1351
aVMy wife's a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right! But I've stuck with her, through thick and thin.
p1352
aVI'm not saying I'm an ugly cunt, but I fucked a blind girl once who asked for the light off.
p1353
aVLife is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat.
p1354
aVBoredom is an anagram of bedroom. My wife gets this.
p1355
aVMy blonde 19 year old next door neighbor has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? I nearly shit her knickers
p1356
aVScientists say that sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, but every time I try she slaps me and says I'm a creep.
p1357
aVMy dentist is a miserable fellow, always looking down in the mouth.
p1358
aVWhat's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your missus will blow your bonus!
p1359
aVMy wife says that my lying is ruining our marriage. But I reckon it's my big dick.
p1360
aVSunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops? "Bloody horrible", I said "Put your bikini top back on".
p1361
aVIf moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day?
p1362
aVDid you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon? The food's ok, but it has no atmosphere.
p1363
aVMy dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
p1364
aVBREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field. The steaks have never been higher.
p1365
aVHow does Stephen Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.
p1366
aVSomeone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road. That's the word on the street anyway.
p1367
aVYou know you're a good mum when you sacrifice your vibrator batteries for your kids toys.
p1368
aVI ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
p1369
aVIf you have sex on a boat. Is that considered off-shore drilling?
p1370
aVA customer was buying condoms at work today. I asked if he'd like a bag? He said, "No, she's not that ugly."
p1371
aVLast night i tried wife swapping for the first time, it's brilliant! I managed to get a new lawnmower for mine.
p1372
aVWhy is your mum like Princess Jasmine? She's always got Aladdin!
p1373
aVI told her I had lightning quick reflexes. Sounds better than premature ejaculator.
p1374
aV"None of those women have what I'm really looking for"."Oh yeah? What's that?"."Low Standards".
p1375
aVWhat do you call two old women who lick each others naughty bits? LesbiNans
p1376
aV'How would you like your eggs?' the waiter asked. "Sunny-side up, please" I requested. "Madam?" he asked my wife. "In a big cake," she wheezed.
p1377
aVI walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
p1378
aVMy wife says she's leaving me because of my addiction to antidepressants. Won't be needing them anymore then.
p1379
aVTomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.
p1380
aVPolice are looking for a man on suspicion of beastiality. He was last seen yesterday at 10:00am getting into a Jaguar..
p1381
aVI've just bought some Tesco viagra. I only got a semi but every little helps!
p1382
aVWent shoplifting in a Disney Store. Got the biggest Buzz ever.
p1383
aVMy wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure eight.
p1384
aVI've been searching for my stolen bed for three days! I won't rest until I find it.
p1385
aVMy wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
p1386
aVFirst thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...
p1387
aVMy wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.
p1388
aVI love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
p1389
aVWhoever decided to call it anal bleaching instead of changing your ringtone really missed out on an opportunity.
p1390
aVI'm not saying my wife's fat, but I struggle to lift her photograph.
p1391
aVYesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
p1392
aVMy mum said "You treat this place like a hotel!". She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.
p1393
aV"Tits or Arse man?" I was asked. I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.
p1394
aVMy wife is finally losing weight thanks to a new slimming club.  If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it.
p1395
aVI did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone. Big mistake, I was tripping all night.
p1396
aVHave YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
p1397
aVNothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.
p1398
aVJust in Tesco and I put my veggies in with my Nintendo. Now my Wii smells of asparagus.
p1399
aVMy wife has had her panties stolen off the line! Fuming! U can keep the knickers but can we have the 40 pegs back please!
p1400
aVWhy don't supermarkets be more honest and rename their "Parent & Child" spaces as "Lazy Bastard with Massive 4x4" spaces?
p1401
aVWhen I get home late from the pub.I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to.
p1402
aVI was wondering if anyone could tell me which channel I could find the Women's FA Cup Final on? I've already checked cooking & comedy...
p1403
aVSpent all my savings on a sexchange. Now I haven't got a sausage.
p1404
aV"Can I have a pack of condoms?" I asked the pharmacist. "A small box?" he asked. "I hope so!" I replied.
p1405
aVGot out of the shower & my wife said "Look, its like a penis, only smaller". I said "Look, its like my secretary, only fatter & less flexible".
p1406
aVI had a wank over my ex girlfriend last night. Yeah I know it's wrong but I still have a key and she's a deep sleeper!
p1407
aVTwo guys at the gym, one is putting on frilly knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glovebox!"
p1408
aVI just sent the wife a picture of my floppy willy. I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.
p1409
aVWhy did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fucking hours ago.
p1410
aVMy Boss stormed up to me in the office today and said "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?" "Not particularly," I replied.
p1411
aV"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three hours.
p1412
aVTo some, marriage is just a word; to others, it's a sentence.
p1413
aVWind turbines: I'm a big fan.
p1414
aVMy wife asked me to pass the lip balm, but I gave her the superglue instead. She's not talking to me now.
p1415
aVThe missus accused me of being far too competitive! I said 'I'm not!, and i'll be the first to admit that'.
p1416
aVSomebody had the audacity to call me 'pretentious' earlier! I nearly choked on my skinny latte with caramel and hazelnut sprinkles.
p1417
aVI told my new yoga teacher I was an expert. She asked me to show the class a very advanced pose. This put me in a difficult position.
p1418
aVIf you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship & my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well..There's the door.
p1419
aVSat down with my missus today and discussed if we wanted children? Should have seen the kid's faces.
p1420
aVWhat do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
p1421
aVPeople laugh at my car because it's ugly and green. But at least I avacado
p1422
aVI used to be addicted to soap... But I'm clean now.
p1423
aVPaddy says "Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards Mick?". Mick says "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin boat".
p1424
aVI wanked over my blind girlfriends tits yesterday. She never saw me coming.
p1425
aVThe wife thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose. I work in a hammer factory
p1426
aVI really hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
p1427
aVDid you hear that the Dalai Lama has a gambling addiction? He just loves Tibet.
p1428
aVThe wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car and kept the engine running.
p1429
aVHow does an eskimo build his house? Igloos it.
p1430
aVMy son just got a pull-up bar and is feeling a little weak. I told him to keep his chin up.
p1431
aVI was walking through an arts and crafts shop, when I saw a sign saying "Glue Sticks.". I thought, "No shit."
p1432
aVWent to the Ice Cream Van & asked for a 99. The Ice Cream Man asked if I wanted hundreds and thousands? I said 'no thanks mate, just the one'
p1433
aVMy mother in law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
p1434
aVI'm not saying my wife is ugly, but the milkman flirts with me.
p1435
aVThree sperm whales have been found on the beach at Skegness. Or as they're also known, local lasses.
p1436
aVPaddy in Wetherspoons: "How much is your lager?" Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher" Paddy: I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo."
p1437
aVI always found the fishmonger at our local market to be pretty unfriendly. In fact I'd describe him as a little standoffish.
p1438
aVThe inventor of the world's first organic coffins made entirely out of vegetables has died. May he rest in peas.
p1439
aVThe inventor of autocorrect went from zero to hero in a matter of seconds.
p1440
aVMy mate went to a charity night for women born without legs, he said the place was crawling with fanny!
p1441
aVWhat's the best way to talk to your mother-in-law? Through a medium.
p1442
aVWhat did the leper say to the hooker after sex? "You can keep the tip"
p1443
aVMy new girlfriend really takes my breath away. She's inflatable.
p1444
aVI'm seeing this girl with eczema. She's got a cracking body.
p1445
aVI worried that my addiction to helter-skelters is spiralling out of control.
p1446
aVI'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though.
p1447
aVI've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only a Quidditch.
p1448
aVMy friend's allergic to rice. He's basmatic.
p1449
aVMy wife says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well, I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.
p1450
aVI walked into the living room today and the wife had a box of Daz on top of the T.V.. I asked her why, she replied "there's was no Ariel".
p1451
aVI took the missus to a restaurant last night. I said "do you like peppa pig?". She said "yeah". I said "waiter some pepper over here please".
p1452
aVI asked 100 women "What shampoo do you use whilst showering?" 98% of them asked me to get out of the shower.
p1453
aVToday I went to toilet without my phone. There's 178 tiles in the bathroom.
p1454
aVThe man who invented Chinese whispers has died. Pass it on...
p1455
aV"Your underwear is too tight and very revealing" I said to my wife. She said "Wear your own then, dickhead".
p1456
aVLad asks Granny "Have you seen my pills,they were labelled LSD?" Granny replies "fook the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
p1457
aVGrandad leant over to Grandma "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" Grandma "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"
p1458
aVWhat's the worst thing about your girlfriend being pregnant? Having to tell your wife.
p1459
aVWife gets naked & asks hubby 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks at her & replies'Your sense of humour!'
p1460
aVA boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia. Doc "Have you tried counting sheep?" Boxer "Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up"
p1461
aVLife is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free. It's women who make it hard.
p1462
aVTwo sausages in a frying pan. One says "it's hot in here!" The other says "bugger me a talking sausage!!"
p1463
aVBreaking News! Ne ws
p1464
aVMy wife's a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.
p1465
aVMy wife said I only ever want sex with her when I'm drunk. That's not true. I usually want a kebab aswell.
p1466
aVI love eBay! I sold my homing pigeon eight times last month.
p1467
aVI went to the doctors the other day, complaining about my sore feet. He said "gout! "I said "fuck off, I've only just walked in!"
p1468
aVI can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
p1469
aVJust seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week. Might go if I've got nothing on.
p1470
aVI went in to a pet shop and said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is".
p1471
aVWent to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry. Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!
p1472
aVMade a chicken salad today. The little prick didn't eat it.
p1473
aVI've just been outside helping a guy in a black robe with a scythe clear the frost off his car. I was de-icing with death.
p1474
aVHow does Batman's mum call him to dinner? "Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman"
p1475
aVI went bobsleighing last night. I killed 15 people called Bob.
p1476
aVWhats the difference between a ginger fanny & a cricket ball? If you try really hard, Really really hard, You can eat a cricket ball.
p1477
aVWhat has four legs and flies? A dead hamster.
p1478
aVTwo monkeys are getting into a bath. One goes: "ooh ohh ah ah ah ah" The other says: "We'll put some cold in then".
p1479
aVWhat have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common? They both come in a posh box.
p1480
aVBought the missus a vibrator for her birthday. She's done nothing but moan ever since.
p1481
aVOur Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds. She's very tidy downstairs though.
p1482
aVWhat's the difference between love & herpes? Herpes lasts forever.
p1483
aVI was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze. So I gritted my teeth.
p1484
aVWhat do you call a whale with no pants on? Free Willy.
p1485
aVLast week I bought a fridge magnet. They really work. So far I've got 11 fridges.
p1486
aVMy wife and I always hold hands. If I let go she goes shopping.
p1487
aVWhat's the difference between erotic & kinky? Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole chicken.
p1488
aVMy wife and I have what we call Olympic Sex! Sounds great doesn't it! It's not really, it only happens once every four years.
p1489
aVHow does Steven Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.
p1490
aVI've got a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.
p1491
aVApparently most dogs in Korea are inbred. Like in a sandwich or something.
p1492
aVI've got a dog called Curiosity.
p1493
aVWhat is the main cause of divorce? Marriage.
p1494
aVMy Korean friend died last week. So Yung.
p1495
aVMy wife's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought East Enders was ending.
p1496
aVMarriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
p1497
aVWhat does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
p1498
aVLast night I got my laxatives mixed up with my viagra tablets. I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
p1499
aVWhat does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.
p1500
aVI had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
p1501
aVTampax are releasing a limited edition, egg shaped tampon. It's for the Easter period only.
p1502
aVI tell you what I love doing, trying to fit a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
p1503
aVWhy can't you borrow money from a midget? Because they're always a little short!
p1504
aVI just saw on the news 'Missing girl found safe' What I wanna know is. Could she crack it?
p1505
aVWhat's a twack? Something a twain wuns on.
p1506
aVI used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
p1507
aVWhilst having sex I suddenly stopped and didn't move. Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this on PornHub it's called buffering.
p1508
aVHow doe's a Yorkshire man say "it isn't in the tin?" "Tin tin tin".
p1509
aVI just got a hair cut, now I'm thinking about getting all the others cut too.
p1510
aVThey say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So I poke the mrs and say put the kettle on fatty.
p1511
aVMy wife was crying because the clothes in a +size catalogue wouldn't fit her. "Don't let it get you down" I said, "you're bigger than that".
p1512
aVI said to the chemist: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She keeps waking up.'
p1513
aVMy neighbour has at last forgiven me for flashing my bum at her. She's over the moon.
p1514
aVMy wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket. It's really hit me for 6.
p1515
aVSinging in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.
p1516
aVMe: When I was younger I was given a choice, a long penis or a good memory. Wife: Which one did you choose? Me: I can't remember.
p1517
aVI got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards! 'I thought, "That's just spam."
p1518
aVBreaking News: A mass fight has broken out in a petrol station. 23 People arrested in Total.
p1519
aVI was woken at 3 o'clock this morning by my burglar alarm. "Time to go out robbing," I yawned.
p1520
aVChickens don't have friends. They only have pen pals.
p1521
aVI've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces. It's a Boing 747.
p1522
aVI used to be very indecisive!! But now I'm not so sure.
p1523
aVReptiles are so enthusiastic! They're always up for it, right from the gecko!
p1524
aVHow can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
p1525
aVToday I have officially been sober for 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
p1526
aVWhat have women & a building society account got in common? Once you withdraw you loose interest.
p1527
aVI've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.
p1528
aVI used to think that my girlfriend not wearing any knickers under her skirt would be sexy, until I saw the skidmarks on my sofa.
p1529
aVThe first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule, so we have an even number of rules.
p1530
aVMy girlfriend has this weird, sick, demented sexual fetish. Cuddling.
p1531
aVI just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.
p1532
aVI work in McDonald's and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink. Just ice was served.
p1533
aVI'm sure it was my two-year-old son who stole my pen. It's written all over his face.
p1534
aVI had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
p1535
aVSome guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
p1536
aVMy friend has got an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew.
p1537
aVIf there's one thing that makes me throw up its a dartboard on the ceiling!
p1538
aVMopeds are like fat birds! It's loads of fun until your mates find out you've ridden one.
p1539
aVI can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.
p1540
aVMy wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practising my reaction.
p1541
aVI'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.
p1542
aVHad a fight with an erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.
p1543
aVWhy did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
p1544
aVMy wife accused me of having OCD. I soon put her in her place.
p1545
aVI just finished my degree in ballet, I got a 2:2
p1546
aVI'm in a heavy metal band. I play lead.
p1547
aVI don't mean to be pedantic, but does anyone actually have the 'Ghostbusters' number?
p1548
aVStanding in the paint aisle at the DIY centre always brings a tear to my eye. I can't help but get emulsional.
p1549
aVI'm so bad at relationships even my bag for life left me.
p1550
aVSome people have a way with words, Others not have way.
p1551
aVI just ate some mustard and had the strangest feeling that I had eaten it before. Dijon vu...
p1552
aVSean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47. Ooh yeah.. I'm really into Bond age.
p1553
aVMy favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called a Lunch.
p1554
aVThe wife & I decided to have a clear-out & have put all our dogging gear on eBay. We havent had any bids yet but theres thirty-four watchers
p1555
aVI just saw a great documentary earlier about how ships are kept together. It was riveting!
p1556
aVIs it just me or does anyone else want to be a window cleaner in Amsterdam?
p1557
aVJust got banned from B&Q, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking! Lucky I got the first punch in.
p1558
aVI just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons.
p1559
aVA small boy swallowed some coins & was taken to hospital. His Mother phoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, 'There's no change yet'
p1560
aVThere was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning. It sent ripples through the whole building.
p1561
aVI've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. It's only 3 words but it's a start.
p1562
aVHow do you make a squirrel cry? Grab it's nuts.
p1563
aVWhy dont blind men skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
p1564
aVI asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
p1565
aVI just saw a sign in a shop'Mosquito nets £10'. It turns out he won it on a scratchcard.
p1566
aVAfter a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front & back pages from my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.
p1567
aVMiss piggy goes to the doctors;"Doctor why is it that every time I have my ladies week, I end up with a frog in my throat?"
p1568
aVWhat do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina.
p1569
aVOne Bear(That's the bear minimum)
p1570
aVI was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought..Screw it!
p1571
aVLast night I accidentally saw the woman who lives next door masturbating naked on her bed. I was so shocked I fell out of the tree.
p1572
aVCelebrity Big Brother
p1573
aVWhat's the difference between Celebrity Big Brother and Big Brother? Nothing.
p1574
aVWedding rings are the prettiest, tiniest, most expensive handcuffs ever.
p1575
aVI hit my wife in the face with a chocolate bar from 60 feet away. I've studied aerodynamics.
p1576
aVA cure for dyslexia? Now that would be music to my arse.
p1577
aVWhat word is always pronounced incorrectly? Incorrectly.
p1578
aVMy wife's parking is unparallelled.
p1579
aVI recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home. I didn't like being ordered around in that manor.
p1580
aVMy girlfriend just asked me "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?" I said, "Fuck off, it would take ages to get there on a camel".
p1581
aVI lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
p1582
aVI live for my alarm clock collection. It's the only reason I get up in the morning.
p1583
aVMy car failed it's emissions test today! Fuming.
p1584
aVI think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
p1585
aVWhy do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
p1586
aVDid you hear about the two gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other.
p1587
aVWhat food kills a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake.
p1588
aVWhat did the banana say to the vibrator? "What are you shaking for?" "she's going to eat me!"
p1589
aVWas driving down the motorway yesterday in a hearse. Police pulled me over for undertaking.
p1590
aVWhen I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on!
p1591
aVI've told the wife I'm going dry for January. I really can't be arsed with foreplay.
p1592
aVLast night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy about it.
p1593
aVI remember 2015 like it was yesterday.
p1594
aVSaw a psychic yesterday but after 30 mins of her constantly laughing at me I punched her in the face. I always like to strike a happy medium.
p1595
aVMy wife said she was in the mood for something a bit unusual in the bedroom tonight. So I dragged the dishwasher up there.
p1596
aVMy son has just come home with a settee and two chairs. I'm fuming! I've told him not to accept suites from strangers!
p1597
aVJust turned on the TV to see Sydney and Tokyo have already started celebrating the New Year. Fucking idiots, it doesn't start until midnight
p1598
aVMy New Year's resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent.7. Learn to count.
p1599
aVMy new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant! Roll on 2016.
p1600
aVI'm in a same-sex marriage. The sex is always the same.
p1601
aVSo I was getting into my car, & this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it"
p1602
aVWhat's blue and comes in pints? A Whale.
p1603
aVMy friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'
p1604
aVThe jumper I got for Xmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop & exchanged it for another one. Free of charge.
p1605
aVLast night I saw a fat lad chatting up a fat girl. She turned him down though. She was worried he was just trying to get into her Snickers
p1606
aVWhat's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
p1607
aVHappy New Year everyone... Think I may have premature congratulation.
p1608
aVStatistics show the average person has sex 89 times per year. Looks like I'm in for an incredible few days.
p1609
aVI was working in a library & this bloke came up to me & said "Do you have a bookmark?" I said "Yes, we have hundreds, but my name's Dave"
p1610
aVWhat do Transvestites do for Christmas? Eat, Drink, and be Mary
p1611
aVI had to chase a mugger after he stole my wallet. He gave me a run for my money.
p1612
aVComas make a big difference in a sentence. For example, Ben is in a hurry. Ben is in a coma.
p1613
aV"Describe yourself in three words." "Lazy."
p1614
aVWhat's black and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
p1615
aVWhat's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke.
p1616
aVSo my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well I've got some news for her.
p1617
aVWhat are the benefits of moving to Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus!
p1618
aVDwayne Johnson, paper, scissors.
p1619
aVA sexy bird looked at my beer belly today and sarcasticly asked "Is it Fosters or Stella?" I replied "there's a tap underneath, taste it!"
p1620
aVTo all those friends I bought a book for this Christmas, just a reminder they're due back at the library next tuesday!
p1621
aVI've been invited round a neighbours for a pre Christmas drink with nibbles. They treat that fucking cat like royalty.
p1622
aVPatient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing Sexbomb, sexbomb.' Doctor: "you've got Tom Jones disease." Patient: 'is it common?' Doctor: "It's not unusual."
p1623
aVViagra won't make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore.
p1624
aVI've just been told that a new belt and a new bag are not great Xmas presents by the wife! Even though her Hoover picks up superbly now..
p1625
aVWhy were ET's eyes so big? He saw the phone bill.
p1626
aVPaddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
p1627
aVJapanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
p1628
aVA Jehovah's Witness gave me an advent calendar. The first door I opened there were two of them standing behind it.
p1629
aVWhat do you call a man with no arms and no legs, but can play the piano really well? Clever Dick
p1630
aVIf you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance
p1631
aVI hate double standards. If a girl sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "slut". Yet if a guy does it he's considered a "homosexual"
p1632
aVThe inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
p1633
aVWhat's a woman & KFC got in common? Once you've finished with the breast & thigh all you've got left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.
p1634
aVI failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'
p1635
aVA shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.
p1636
aVI dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
p1637
aVRecent research has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.
p1638
aV"I bet you can wrap presents with your eyes shut" I said to my wife. "I probably could" she laughed. "Great I'll just go & get yours" I said.
p1639
aVWhy did Humpty Dumpty push Mrs Humpty Dumpty off the wall? So he could see her crack.
p1640
aVWhy doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.
p1641
aVWalking the dog in the cemetery & I saw a man crouching behind a headstone. I shouted 'morning!'He replied 'no mate, just taking a shit'
p1642
aVOn the way to work I crashed my car into the back of another, a dwarf got out & said 'I'm not happy!!'I said 'well which one are you then?'
p1643
aVSometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air! But then I think, how would I catch them?
p1644
aVJonathan Ross was arrested this morning for stealing kitchen utensils. He said it was a whisk worth taking.
p1645
aVI've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables. I'd better lilo for a while..
p1646
aVBought my mum a fridge for Christmas. You should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
p1647
aVWhat's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out.
p1648
aVThe Mrs left me because of my obsession with Phil Collins. Well take a look at me now...
p1649
aVHow does Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker has got for Christmas? He felt his presents.
p1650
aVI just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon. I'll let you know...
p1651
aVSince my mate had his neck brace fitted he's never looked back.
p1652
aVSome guy said to me 'why are you carrying a 9ft book?' I said 'Its a long story'
p1653
aVI used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.
p1654
aVMy girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
p1655
aVMary and Joseph. Now they had a stable relationship.
p1656
aVWhy did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack!
p1657
aVThree blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it..
p1658
aVI bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'I thought, can't argue with that!
p1659
aVDon't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
p1660
aVI told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?' I said "No, permanent."
p1661
aVI'm really overdrawn at the bank and they keep phoning me and leaving voicemails. I wish they'd just leave me a loan.
p1662
aVWhat's green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.
p1663
aVMy Mrs was moaning about my obsession with sport so I booked us a table for 8pm. Disaster! By 9pm she still hadn't potted a single ball.
p1664
aVWhat do you call a bullet proof scouser? Kev Laa!
p1665
aVWhat do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.
p1666
aVMy girlfriend text me earlier "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?" I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."
p1667
aVWhat's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your driveway...
p1668
aVThe downside of being a bomb disposal technician? It takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents.
p1669
aVGeorge Michael has been found with a chocolate bar up his arse. Apparently it was a careless wispa.
p1670
aVMy wife keeps complaining about my premature ejaculation, she took it on the chin at first but now it just gets on her tits.
p1671
aVWhat have George Michael and wellies got in common? They both get sucked off in bogs.
p1672
aVI could never work in the Job centre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day.
p1673
aVThe way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.
p1674
aVSpent all day looking through my U2 CD collection for my favourite song. Still haven't found what im looking for.
p1675
aVI bought a Prince CD today. Cost me £20, but I partied like it was £19:99.
p1676
aVWhat's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
p1677
aVIf I had to describe myself in one word it would be "Doesn't understand instructions"
p1678
aVReally cheesed off. Every morning a huge German Shepherd shits on my front lawn. Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.
p1679
aVMy teacher threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt!
p1680
aVGutted the wife has left me! She's took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too. No woman no Sky
p1681
aVWe always called my grandad Spiderman. It's not because he had any superpowers, he just couldn't get out of the bath.
p1682
aVCan anyone remember? What was the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?
p1683
aVMy wife told me that women were better at multitasking than men. I said to sit down and shut up. Guess what? She couldn't do do either!
p1684
aVMy scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline & a few bikes for Xmas. I asked him which website he saw them on. He replied Google Earth
p1685
aVWhat is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 ho's!
p1686
aVCame home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's advent calendar?
p1687
aVMy wife asked me if we could have something more 'Christmassy' on the television. So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.
p1688
aVMarks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're right too. It'd be Chrita.
p1689
aVStill can't believe my mate died last week. He overdosed on Viagra. His wife took it really hard.
p1690
aVIt's close between Tyson Fury & Andy Murray for the BBC Sports Personality trophy. I reckon the Gypsy will just nick it.
p1691
aVGot the wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.
p1692
aVI just read about a dwarf being pick pocketed in the news. How could someone stoop so low!
p1693
aVAt a job interview "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker" "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"
p1694
aVI've just invented a new word:"Plagiarism".
p1695
aVWorried this Christmas as our dyslexic office junior has organised a secret satan.
p1696
aVHow do you make a Pirate angry? Take away the P
p1697
aVThe boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.
p1698
aVWill I have an open casket at my funeral? Remains to be seen.
p1699
aVI fell over laughing and got trapped in the trouser press. Creased myself.
p1700
aVI can't believe my best friend has died doing what he loved. He was a respected and popular skydiver. Really down to earth guy.
p1701
aV"Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory." "When did this happen?" "When did what happen?"
p1702
aVWhat begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it? A teapot.
p1703
aVBought my girlfriend slippers and a dildo for Christmas. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!
p1704
aVThe Wife was watching a cookery show. I said "What the fuck you watching that for, you can't cook?" She said "You watch porn, you Fat Bastard".
p1705
aVAsked the wife to make me happy and sad at the same time. She told me that my dick was bigger than my brothers!
p1706
aVDid you know that some saltwater crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet! But most only have 4.
p1707
aVMy pet bird has lost its voice. Please retweet.
p1708
aVMy friends were amazed when I told them I can predict the future using herbs. "Is it true?" they asked..' Only thyme will tell' I replied.
p1709
aVI saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt. So, I made a move on her.
p1710
aVMy girlfriend wanted perfume & jewellery for her birthday, but I got her a chocolate egg & a toy instead. She was kinder surprised.
p1711
aVI work as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.
p1712
aVMy new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her! Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her. She's a cracker.
p1713
aVNews just in. The guy who took an airline company to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.
p1714
aVGambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
p1715
aVMilk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
p1716
aVMy mum says you are what you eat. That's funny, cause I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently.
p1717
aVTo neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian.
p1718
aVI used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot. So I went on a Refresher course
p1719
aVMy talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.I thought that's a bit far-fetched.
p1720
aV"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "It's the police, sir." "You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit." "We know, sir, the phone booth has glass sides."
p1721
aVBritain has won the Davis Cup for the first time since 1936. Coincidentally, that's the last time anyone gave a fuck.
p1722
aVHave you heard about those new alphabet hand grenades? If one of those goes off it could spell 'disaster'
p1723
aVMy penis fell off, so I gave the wife a bollocking.
p1724
aVWhy doesn't Santa smoke? It's bad for his elf!
p1725
aVWhat's the difference between your wages and your penis? You don't have to convince your wife to blow your wages.
p1726
aVI gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.
p1727
aVFirst rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club
p1728
aVI woke up with a face full of rice. I must've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.
p1729
aVHow does a muppet die? It Kermits suicide.
p1730
aVI swallowed some Tippex last night. I woke up this morning with a massive correction.
p1731
aVI told my doctor that every time I cross into another country I have to get drunk. He said I was border-line alcoholic.
p1732
aVBroken Quiz Machine For Sale: No questions asked.
p1733
aVMy wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy.
p1734
aVI quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
p1735
aVI asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said "wii".
p1736
aVWhy do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
p1737
aVA referee walked into a bar. I thought it's all gonna kick off now.
p1738
aVI can tell that my skincare jokes have made you cry because of how moisturiser.
p1739
aVWhy did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
p1740
aVWhat do you call a singing laptop? Adele.
p1741
aVI was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw! I wish he would stop taking sides.
p1742
aVSo what do you know about dwarfs then? Very little.
p1743
aVWhat do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
p1744
aVI've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service.
p1745
aVMy friend came to me and said, "Thanks for lending me the Fight Club DVD! "I was like, "Don't mention it."
p1746
aVI haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
p1747
aVJust bought myself a universal remote control. I thought to myself "This changes everything.
p1748
aVMy wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
p1749
aVA man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road"
p1750
aVI went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
p1751
aVOur local cinema is showing a special version of the latest James Bond film, just for dyslexics. Respect.
p1752
aVDo midgets still start their childhood stories off with "When I was little?"
p1753
aVA funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning. Thousands of fans attended.
p1754
aVMy wife left me for a weather man. She'll be mist.
p1755
aVJust been sacked from my job as a chef for stealing. I've always been whisk taker.
p1756
aVWhy do women hold a grudge against you for many years if you call them fat? Because elephants never forget.
p1757
aVMe: Sorry boss can't come in today my car has broken down. Boss: What about the bus? Me: I don't have a bus.
p1758
aVJust been threatened by my housemate for stealing his clothes. I nearly shit his pants.
p1759
aVTo anyone suffering from paranoia. You're not alone.
p1760
aVWhat's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber!
p1761
aVMy family are worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's ok though, I know where to draw the line
p1762
aVJust told my joke about Peter Pan again. Never gets old.
p1763
aVI know a guy who's in denial about his addiction to brake fluid. He says he can stop at any time.
p1764
aVOne of my friends is a really hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her, and she won't techno for an answer.
p1765
aVJust knocked over my Sports Direct mug and flooded my entire house.
p1766
aVDifference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.
p1767
aVI was going to tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.
p1768
aVWhat's the difference between a fridge and a vagina? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
p1769
aVWhat do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common? No ballroom.
p1770
aVI was given a leaflet the other day on anger management. I lost it.
p1771
aVWhy did Lionel clean his room? Because it was Messi.
p1772
aVMy internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of.
p1773
aVHow do you make your missus scream after an orgasm? Wipe your willy on the curtains.
p1774
aVMy pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. He was caught in a trap.
p1775
aVWhat's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? You can fall asleep with a light on!
p1776
aVBurnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have put it on aloha setting.
p1777
aVWhat's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!
p1778
aVI'm not saying you're a slag, but even your knickers label say Next..
p1779
aVMy mate's been offered a job in North Korea. He's going to take it, but I think it's a bad Korea move.
p1780
aVMet a girl in a bar last night. She said: "Hi I'm Yvette". I said "Hi I'm an Accountant".
p1781
aVWoke up today to find someone had dumped 2 tonnes of topsoil on my vegetable patch. The plot thickens.
p1782
aVA girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.
p1783
aVAlways remember what my late Grandad said to me. 'Sorry I'm late'
p1784
aVA dwarf walked into a library and asked for a book on irony. The librarian said "Yes, it's on the top shelf"
p1785
aVI told my girlfriend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
p1786
aVIron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
p1787
aVWhat happened when customers complained about the bright lights in the Chinese restaurant? The manager decided to dim sum.
p1788
aVHave you seen the new film called Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
p1789
aVWhy do cows lie down together when it rains? To keep each udder dry.
p1790
aVOne in every two and a half men are HIV positive.
p1791
aVMy dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He's Espanyol.
p1792
aVWhy do most men die before their wives? They want to.
p1793
aVWhat's the difference between a hooker and a wife? One's contract, the other is pay-as-you-go.
p1794
aVAt weddings old people always poke me and say you'll be next! It's so annoying! So, I've started doing the same to them at funerals.
p1795
aVA banana & a vibrator are lying on a bed. The banana turns to the vibrator and says; "I don't know why your shaking, they're gonna eat me!"
p1796
aVToday I broke my personal record of consecutive days alive!
p1797
aVMy wife left me because she said I was obsessed with plants. I asked her "where's this stemming from petal?"
p1798
aVMy wife ran off with my best friend last week. I'm going to miss him.
p1799
aVWhat's a Scottish football fan's favourite movie? Home Alone.
p1800
aVI've been sleeping with my girlfriend and her twin, but luckily I can tell them apart. Her brother has a moustache.
p1801
aVJimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland. Barman says "not yew tree again"
p1802
aVMy window cleaner was banging on my window shouting and swearing. I thought to myself: he's lost his rag.
p1803
aVI've just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.
p1804
aVMy mate has swallowed some Lego. The doctor's aren't too worried, but he's shitting bricks.
p1805
aVKids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seats cause kids.
p1806
aVHow many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan
p1807
aVHow much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
p1808
aVMy waitress threw sodium chloride at me. She was arrested and charged with a salt.
p1809
aVBREAKING NEWS: A lorry containing Vanish has overturned in Middlesex causing Staines to completely disappear.
p1810
aVI see someone is selling all their dogging gear on eBay. There's no buyers but I've noticed that there's 126 watchers!
p1811
aV"What a truly inspirational man that Steve Jobs was" said my mate. "What is your favourite Apple product?" he asked. "Cider, " I replied.
p1812
aVMy Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.
p1813
aVWomen are like fine wines. You can get them cheaper if you go abroad.
p1814
aVA woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
p1815
aVNever trust a man with a bald head. For all you know, he could've been a Ginger!!
p1816
aVMy doctor asked if I was sexually active. I said "Define active, there are volcanoes classed as active that haven't gone off in centuries"
p1817
aVNo matter how big your smartphone's screen is, you still have to scroll down to see Chelsea's position in the league table.
p1818
aVWhat do you call a fat psycic? A four chin teller
p1819
aVMy wife has left me, she says I love football more than I love her. I'm gutted, we've been together ten seasons!
p1820
aVMy girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.
p1821
aVAn insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded. I think it was a jihadi long legs.
p1822
aVThe boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia whilst trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.
p1823
aVMy daughter asked "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?" I replied "Because it has seen your mother naked."
p1824
aVI love elevator jokes. They work on so many levels.
p1825
aVWhat did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
p1826
aVYou can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
p1827
aVWhen my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
p1828
aVDad: Where can I get a potato clock? Son: Why a potato clock?!? Dad: I've got a new job and my boss said I need to get-a-potato-clock
p1829
aVWhy did Star Wars' episodes 1, 2 and 3 come after episodes 4, 5 and 6? Because Head of Planning Yoda was.
p1830
aVI used to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink.
p1831
aVI went to a legless disco last night. It was crawling with fanny.
p1832
aVI love playing that game where you knock on people's door and run away. It's called Yodel.
p1833
aVThe invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
p1834
aVMy mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water. He must think I'm some kind of mug.
p1835
aVI've bought the wife a transparent bath. It'll save me a fortune on taking the kids to Sea World.
p1836
aVI've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic. A Leotard can't change its spots.
p1837
aVLionel Messi goes up girl in a club and says "Get your coat, you've pulled" she replies "Wow, you're a little forward"
p1838
aVSome mornings I wake up bitchy. Other mornings I just let her sleep...
p1839
aVWatson: Why are you painting the front door yellow? Holmes: A lemon entry my dear Watson!
p1840
aVMrs says I have a short attention spanners are great aren't they!
p1841
aVCheck this one out:1.
p1842
aVDoesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, point is: You need to buy a different size bra.
p1843
aVOutside my local school, the kids were selling chocolate to raise money for eczema awareness, so I bought a flake.
p1844
aVA survey was conducted into why men like blow jobs: 10% liked the feeling, 12% liked the dominance, 78% liked 20 minutes of fucking silence.
p1845
aVWhat's a pirate's favourite sex position? Up the Arrrrrrse!
p1846
aVWhat animal what you like to be on a really cold day? A little Otter
p1847
aV"Hurt Myself" By Amin Payne
p1848
aV"The Constant Book Reader" By Paige Turner
p1849
aVI have a phobia of trampolines, I can't help it they always make me jump.
p1850
aVWhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick
p1851
aVWhat do you call an Indian peeping tom? Mustafa Ganda
p1852
aVKnock knock...Who's there? The doorbell repair man.
p1853
aVMy wife stood in front of the mirror:"I'm massive" she moaned. "Will you help me?" "Of course," I said, as I moved the mirror further away.
p1854
aVWent to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
p1855
aVI got arrested for impersonating a firework. They let me off.
p1856
aVWhat's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe
p1857
aVMy friend asked me if I wanted to go to a nudist colony with him later. I said "I've got nothing on, I might as well"
p1858
aVOn my recent visit to the seaside I spent ages trying to figure out how to use the arcade machine. Then the penny dropped.
p1859
aVWhat do you call an Asian receptionist? Tai Ping
p1860
aVRelationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
p1861
aVSomebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me. I only have super fish oil injuries but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!
p1862
aVWhy did the woman cross the road? To go back to the first clothes shop she was in 3 hours ago.
p1863
aVThere once was a man called Dave, who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was covered in shit and missing a tit but look at the money he saved!
p1864
aVMy sister has a new job, but it's hard to say what she does. She sells sea shells on the seashore.
p1865
aVMy penis was in a world record book once. Until the librarian told me to take it out.
p1866
aVI just dropped my iPhone in the bath. It's syncing.
p1867
aVI saw a girl texting while driving and it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
p1868
aVThere should be a children's song called "if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep".
p1869
aVI saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: Are you two an item?
p1870
aVWhat's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
p1871
aVNeed an ark? I Noah guy.
p1872
aVCrashed my dads new car into a lemon tree! He's still bitter about it
p1873
aVA truck full of Viagra was stolen today. Police are on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.
p1874
aVMy brother got hit by a bus and had both of his legs amputated. Now he's my Half-Brother.
p1875
aVWhy can't T-Rex clap its hands? Because they're extinct.
p1876
aVA lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.
p1877
aVDon't pick on fat people! They have enough on their plates.
p1878
aVOnce I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.
p1879
aVI was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small dead baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief.
p1880
aVI supplied filofaxes to the Mafia. Yeah, I was involved in very organised crime.
p1881
aVI saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
p1882
aVThe first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hell of a salesman.
p1883
aV"Irish Sniper" By Rick 'O' Shea
p1884
aV"Haunted House" By Hugo First
p1885
aV"Plastering for Beginners" By Phil Mcraken
p1886
aVI needed a password that was eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarfs.
p1887
aVI was playing chess with my friend when he said "let's make things interesting", so we stopped playing chess.
p1888
aVI'm on a whisky diet. Last week I lost three days!
p1889
aVWhat do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't take her out again
p1890
aVI have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper' present.
p1891
aVMy girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said: "Alright, fatty?"
p1892
aVI've got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'. You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
p1893
aVI'm not saying Michael Jackson was guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I'd buy a funfair for my back garden.
p1894
aVI used to date a dyslexic girl. I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
p1895
aVI used to be a schizophrenic. But we're okay now.
p1896
aV"How To Keep Fit" By Jim Nastics
p1897
aV"Keep on Trying" By Percy Veer
p1898
aVBehind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously move! You're in the way!
p1899
aVI'm struggling to write a porn movie. There's just too many holes in the plot.
p1900
aVGerman sausages. They're the Wurst.
p1901
aV"I Love Maths" By Adam Up.
p1902
aVWhat's going on with the weather? I haven't the foggiest.
p1903
aVI went to a dyslexic rave last night. I took three F's.
p1904
aVHow do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.
p1905
aVJust had a steering wheel removed from my penis. It was driving me nuts.
p1906
aVI was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.So I pushed her over.
p1907
aVTwo lesbians barged into the house & started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help but I could only knock one out.
p1908
aVWhat do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Punch her in the face
p1909
aVI'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
p1910
aVMy girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her? I said:"Back in 08". It sounds much better than 'August'
p1911
aVWhenever i watch The Titanic I get a sinking feeling.
p1912
aVThe worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
p1913
aVPaddy and Mick are in a plane. Paddy asks "If we do a loop, will we fall out?" "No" replies Mick "We'll still be pals!"
p1914
aVHow can you tell if a girl is ticklish? Give her a test-tickle.
p1915
aVMy girlfriend is getting pretty angry that I never put the toilet seat down! To be fair I am getting tired of carrying it around!
p1916
aVWhat's the difference between a candle and a curry? A candle only burns at one end.
p1917
aVWhat do you call a wrestler in a hurry? The overtaker.
p1918
aVTwo lorries carrying playing cards have crashed. Police are dealing with the incident.
p1919
aVI'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.
p1920
aVMy wife left me because of my obsession with Star Wars. Regret that she will.
p1921
aVExaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
p1922
aVEver had sex while camping? It's intents.
p1923
aVDid you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
p1924
aVSimba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa!
p1925
aVI used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
p1926
aVMe and my recliner go way back.
p1927
aVI can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
p1928
aVFrozen sculptures look quite good, icy pose.
p1929
aVI hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.
p1930
aVWhat do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
p1931
aVWhat do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
p1932
aVHow do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.
p1933
aVMe and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.
p1934
aVDid you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
p1935
aVI play triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual. I just stand at the back and ting.
p1936
aVWhat do u call a cold burrito? A brrrrrrrito
p1937
aVWent swimming. Had a wee in the deep end. Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
p1938
aVI can hear opera coming from my wallet. I think it might be the 3 tenners.
p1939
aVGot a new aftershave called bread crumbs! The birds love it!!
p1940
aVWhat's the difference between rude and crude? Rude is when you throw your underpants at the wall, crude is when they stick to it.
p1941
aVA new aftershave is out on the Market. Will get you any girl you want! Guaranteed! Eau de Chloroform! It's a knock-out!
p1942
aVWhat's a foot long and slippery? A slipper
p1943
aVPaddys wife shouts:"Did you find the shampoo?" He answers:"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine"
p1944
aVMy landlord said "Your obsession with cats is out of control and I can't handle it anymore!" I cried "What... You're kicking Meeeeowt?"
p1945
aVPARACHUTE FOR SALE! As new, unopened - small red patch
p1946
aVI've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
p1947
aVI've heard a rumour that Cadburys is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar? Could be a Chinese Wispa.
p1948
aVWife said she was going to leave me if I continued to sing Oasis. I said maybe...
p1949
aVKnock Knock! Trick or Treat? What've you come as? A Werewolf. You've got normal clothes on? Well it's not a full moon yet, is it, dickhead?
p1950
aVTonight is the night the missus wears crotchless pants! Not for me though! Its to get a better grip on her broom.
p1951
aVI was at a club, they played jump! So I jumped, played twist & shout, so I twisted & shouted! They played come on Eileen & they kicked me out.
p1952
aVJust in Tesco and I put my veggies in with my Nintendo. Now my Wii smells of asparagus.
p1953
aVOpened a tin of meat. Soon as I opened it 20 more tins appeared... Bloody spam.
p1954
aVI was accused of ruining a family portrait, but I swear I was framed.
p1955
aVMy mate just said "there's only one thing that a scares me about Halloween". I asked "which is?". "Exactly" he replied.
p1956
aVI like to wear my glasses when I'm having sex. That way my eyes are protected from the pepper spray.
p1957
aVSmoking may shorten your lifespan. But it will lengthen your lunch break.
p1958
aVMy wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days. What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
p1959
aVI was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?" I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"
p1960
aVI just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.
p1961
aVWhy didn't the skeleton ask the witch to the ball? Because he didn't have the guts.
p1962
aVI recently visited Satan and stole his wig. He said they'd be hell toupee.
p1963
aVGuy who owned Odeon cinemas has passed away. His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40
p1964
aVWhat's a ghosts favorite dessert? Ice Scream.
p1965
aVGonna dress up as a Champions League trophy for Halloween and go around scaring Arsenal fans.
p1966
aVWhy didn't the skeleton go to the ball? He had nobody to go with.
p1967
aVI always look forward to watching a good game of football on Halloween. There is always the chance of plenty of Ghouls.
p1968
aVWhat do gay ghosts give each other? The Willies.
p1969
aVAfter giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn't want any more. Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.
p1970
aVWhy do ghosts enjoy riding in elevators? It raises their spirits.
p1971
aVWhy don't mummies go on holiday? They're afraid to relax and unwind.
p1972
aVWhat is a ghost's favourite ride? A roller-ghoster.
p1973
aVWhat kind of horses do ghosts ride? Nightmares! 
p1974
aVWhat does Barbie like to do at Halloween? Pump Ken
p1975
aVHow do ghosts keep fit? With regular exorcise!
p1976
aVWhy did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine? Because he was having a coffin fit.
p1977
aVWhat does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
p1978
aVWhat do you get if you cross a witch and an iceberg? A cold spell.
p1979
aVHow do vampires fall in love? Love at first bite!
p1980
aVWhy don't monsters eat clowns? Because they taste funny!
p1981
aVLooking into becoming a hitman, I heard those people make a killing.
p1982
aVYou know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a blowjob.
p1983
aVThe inventor of throat lozenges has died. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
p1984
aVI've been searching for my stolen bed for two days! I won't rest until I've found it.
p1985
aVMy wife was addicted to mud wrestling. She's been clean now for 6 months.
p1986
aVWhat's a vampires favourite fruit? A nectarine.
p1987
aVPersuaded my wife to smuggle coke through customs by sticking it up her arseI didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge
p1988
aVYou can't call it Viagra anymore! Copyright law! You now have to use it's proper medical name. Mycoxafloppin
p1989
aVPolice are looking for a man on suspicion of beastiality. He was last seen yesterday at 10:00am getting into a Jaguar.
p1990
aVMy wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.
p1991
aVI got my cock out for the wife "Do you like my new piercing?" After a few seconds she said "Wheres the piercing then?" I said "In my ear".
p1992
aVWhat's a skeletons favourite shop? The Body Shop.
p1993
aVWhat do ghosts use to wash their hair? ShamBoo.
p1994
aVWhoever decided to call it anal bleaching instead of changing your ringtone really missed out on an opportunity.
p1995
aVI left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now.
p1996
aVTo become a successful doctor you must have a lot of patients.
p1997
aVWhoever stole my body wash better come clean!
p1998
aVI still don't understand how Pi is 3142Am I missing the point?
p1999
aVWhat's got no teeth and smells? The gearbox in the wife's car...
p2000
aVSomeone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!
p2001
aVIf anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, They're lying.
p2002
aVMy cousin is a midget, he's relatively short.
p2003
aVI was walking down the road when I suddenly questioned. Who picks up a guide dog's shit?
p2004
aVWhiteboards are remarkable...
p2005
aVWhat's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
p2006
aVA wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
p2007
aVWhen it comes to anagrams, I don't know my earholes from my arsehole.
p2008
aVRecent survey: 43% of people admitted to tixting wylst droving.
p2009
aVWhat do ghosts eat for dinner? Spooketti.
p2010
aVI've been diagnosed with agoraphobia. Get in!
p2011
aVMy wife has had her panties stolen off the line! Fuming! U can keep the knickers but can we have the 40 pegs back please!
p2012
aVMrs has run off with the milkman. Seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life.
p2013
aVHave YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
p2014
aVWife said "if u get a tattoo make sure u have it done in a place that doesn't matter" So I'm off to Norwich...
p2015
aVI have an old Commodore locked away in the attic. That'll teach the him to dance on my ceiling!
p2016
aVWent to the park today to play frisbee with my dog but it was no fun. I need a flatter dog
p2017
aVTook a dip in the pool. Lifeguard said 'What you got there?' I said 'hummus'
p2018
aVThink we're in for a bad spell of wether.
p2019
aVMy wife left me for a midget the other day. This broke my heart, I couldn't believe she would stoop so low..
p2020
aVMy mate Sid's been a victim of ID theft. He's now called 'S'
p2021
aVMy mate fucking hates his surname, Potato. Although not as much as his wife, Jackie does.
p2022
aVMy dyslexia has reached a new owl.
p2023
aVYesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
p2024
aVI just explained Google images to my mum: "Pick anything to search for" I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked
p2025
aVMy car is so small that I overcompensate by having a large penis.
p2026
aVWhy are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them.
p2027
aVI'm not a fan of shopping centres. Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
p2028
aVThere's a gang going though our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. The police believe they're still at large.
p2029
aVI called NHS direct over a week ago about a problem with my ears. I still haven't heard anything!
p2030
aVSometimes I use big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.
p2031
aVI went to the supermarket & said: "I'd like to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it". He replied: "Those are pickled onions."
p2032
aVHow often is it appropriate to make chemistry jokes? I say periodically.
p2033
aVHow do you keep an idiot in suspense?
p2034
aVI broke my psychic's crystal ball. It cost me a fortune.
p2035
aVI got mugged earlier and they took my mood ring. I really don't know how I feel about that.
p2036
aVJust paid £5 for a strip of Velcro. What a rip off!
p2037
aVA neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender reply's "For you? No charge!"
p2038
aVI've just arrived in Australia to surprise my fiancée. She's in London and the wedding's tomorrow.
p2039
aVGot thrown out of Dragons Den. Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "Fuck off & get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.
p2040
aVMy brother was jailed for his beliefs. He believed you could wank on the bus.
p2041
aVI asked my wife to act like a "naughty school girl". She forged a note from her mother saying she didn't have to participate.
p2042
aVThe most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.
p2043
aVDon't waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months. My balls still look like walnuts.
p2044
aVDecaffeinated coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.
p2045
aVI asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing.
p2046
aVA farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
p2047
aVTomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.
p2048
aVWhy are Hurricanes named after women? Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and your car.
p2049
aVFirst thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...
p2050
aVWent shoplifting in a Disney Store. Got the biggest Buzz ever.
p2051
aVI love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
p2052
aVMy friend's dad has just got a new pacemaker. He's a little Kenyan lad who runs ten metres in front of him.
p2053
aVMy party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together. I shit you knot.
p2054
aVHow do you warm a room up thats just been painted? Give it a 2nd coat.
p2055
aVI had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.
p2056
aVWhat did stevie wonder say when he got a cheese grater for Christmas? That's the most violent book I've ever read in my life!
p2057
aVI got my heavy goods licence today. My wife prefers to call it a marriage certificate.
p2058
aVMy girlfriend was telling me that obesity is in her genes. I told her that it wasn't true as she looks like a fat cunt in a skirt as well.
p2059
aVMy wife's leaving me because "Everything I say is irrelevant". Easy for her to say when her mum's sister has just bought a new coffee table.
p2060
aVMy wife says we need to work hard on our relationship because of my immaturity. Hehe, she said hardon.
p2061
aVI just bought a new blindfold. Can't see myself wearing it though.
p2062
aVMy wife asked me, "Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard last night?" "No, don't be silly" I replied" I ate it on the sofa."
p2063
aVA girl just told me I've got a huge ego... I think she means cock.
p2064
aVMe and the wife decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off though when I started holding auditions for her part.
p2065
aVOut with the lads from OCD anonymous tonight. Things aren't gonna get messy.
p2066
aVI went to the doctor because everywhere I pressed hurt. Pressed my leg it hurt. My arm, it hurt. My head. Turns out I'd broken my finger.
p2067
aVHow many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Tentickles.
p2068
aVJust heard that Little Mix are playing Liverpool in December. They are expected to win 3-0.
p2069
aVMy Mrs just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?" I said "Fuck off, it would take fucking ages to get there on a camel."
p2070
aVDid you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.
p2071
aVHad some sad news, my Dutch ex girlfriend died last week, she liked to wear inflatable shoes. Apparently she popped her clogs.
p2072
aVHow do you get a fat woman in bed? Piece of cake
p2073
aVMy wife is going to a fancy dress party as a rastafarian and she's asked me to do her hair. I'm dreading it.
p2074
aVSome men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay. I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.
p2075
aVI used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.
p2076
aVLollipop ladies. They make me cross.
p2077
aVWhich spice girl can hold the most petrol? Geri can
p2078
aVMy girlfriend left me because of my fetish for touching pasta. Now shes gone im feeling cannelloni right now!!
p2079
aVThey say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money's on Dave.
p2080
aVI went up to Mr. T and said, "I'm going to cook you a dessert." He said, "Try fool!" I said, "No, strawberry cheesecake, actually."
p2081
aVTwo interesting facts about me. 1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 2) I'm banned from Argos.
p2082
aVMy girlfriend got in the shower with me. She said "Oooh baby, I want you to do bad things to me!" So I put shampoo in her eyes.
p2083
aV"What do we want?" "A cure for Tourettes" "When do we want it?" "Cunts!"
p2084
aVI bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
p2085
aVI'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch. But I've had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge.
p2086
aVMy mum laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She soon shut up when I drove pasta.
p2087
aVDid you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?
p2088
aVWhy doesn't God like pizza? Because he doesn't exist.
p2089
aVThey say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.
p2090
aVA police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said: "Call for backup."
p2091
aVHow to workout your 'arsehole' name. Replace your first name with the word 'Piers' and your surname with the word 'Morgan'.
p2092
aVI said to my wife the other day "Why dont you tell me when you have an orgasm?" She said "I dont like to ring you at work."
p2093
aVA man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
p2094
aVMy girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
p2095
aVKlopp used to have the "Yellow Wall". Now he's going to have small pieces of red wall instead. Under his car, where the wheels used to be.
p2096
aVWhat do the donkeys in Blackpool get for their lunch? A half hour the same as everyone else.
p2097
aV"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." "That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
p2098
aVA guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
p2099
aVGynaecologist, at your cervix.
p2100
aVI told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
p2101
aVHi, welcome to Fight Club. First of all, how did you hear about us?
p2102
aVWhat do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. What do you call a woman with one leg laying on the floor? Eileen Dover.
p2103
aVWhat do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse? Warren
p2104
aVWhat do you call a woman juggling 3 pints of beer? Beatrix. What do you call a woman juggling 3 pints playing snooker? Beatrix Potter
p2105
aVWhat do you call a man who used to be an artist? Drew
p2106
aVWhat do you call a Scottish man who works in a cloakroom? Angus Mccoatup
p2107
aVWhat do you call a cross dressing dinosaur? Trannysauras Rex
p2108
aVWhat do you call an obese Arab? Yafat Fuqa.
p2109
aVWhat do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
p2110
aVWhat do you call a man with no arms or legs lying by front of the door? Matt
p2111
aVWhat do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell
p2112
aVWhat do you call a man that steals everyday? Robin Daley
p2113
aVWhat do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu
p2114
aVWhat do you call a man with a haggis on his head? Scott
p2115
aVWhat do call a woman with a tortoise on her back? Shelley
p2116
aVWhat do you call a man with ham on his head? Hammed. What do you call a man with more ham on his head? Mohammed
p2117
aVWhat do you call a man with a car number plate on his head? Reg. What do you call his brother? R Reg
p2118
aVWhat do you call a man with 3 eyes? Seymour
p2119
aVWhat do you call a man with no arms or legs in water? Bob. What do you call a man swimming in water with no arms or legs? Clever Dick
p2120
aVHow do you fix a massive violin? Chellotape
p2121
aVWhat do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea! What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea!
p2122
aVHow do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hand in its pocket and tickle it's balls.
p2123
aVDid you know that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintones? But Abu Dhabi do.
p2124
aVA man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
p2125
aVWhen you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
p2126
aVI was ironing the curtains last night. Fell through the window!
p2127
aVFell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental! No one treats me like a mug.
p2128
aVWhat do you call a fish with three eyes? Fiiish
p2129
aVWhat do you call a large bloke with four faces and eight hands? Big Ben.
p2130
aVWhat do you call a wolf that swears? A swear wolf
p2131
aVHow do you make a door laugh? Tickle it's knob.
p2132
aVI used to be an archaeologist. But my career ended in ruins.
p2133
aVWhy did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
p2134
aVI've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
p2135
aVI got kicked out of my local record store after enquiring about a Coldplay song. I only went looking for Trouble.
p2136
aVTo whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.
p2137
aVDid you hear that two men went to prison for stealing a calendar? They both got six months
p2138
aVI worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once. None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
p2139
aVI can't believe pretzels are knot bread.
p2140
aVDim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.
p2141
aVI never question myself. Why should I start now?
p2142
aVI've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only two Quidditch.
p2143
aVDid you hear about the angry gymnast? He just flipped.
p2144
aVWhat do you call a dodgy neighbourhood in Italy? A Spaghetto.
p2145
aVI just drank some WKD with ice in it. It was wicked.
p2146
aVSometimes I watch football holding a PlayStation controller just to screw with girlfriends head.
p2147
aVWhat do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
p2148
aVI rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house? The bloke said "You can cartwheel around the block for all I care".
p2149
aVHow do you find a blind man in a nudest colony? It isn't hard.
p2150
aVHow many immature people does it take to change a light bulb? Your mum.
p2151
aVTwo drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tish!
p2152
aVPast, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
p2153
aVMy wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."
p2154
aVAccidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares. Going for a poo could spell trouble!
p2155
aVWind turbines. I'm a big fan.
p2156
aVRick Astley asked if he could borrow my Pixar films? "Ok" I said. "Here's Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up"
p2157
aVWhy is Pingu's dad always ironing when none of them wear clothes?
p2158
aVI see Boomerangs are making a comeback.
p2159
aVLast weekend, they held a minute's silence at the Etihad Stadium. It blended in nicely with the other 89.
p2160
aVI walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. It was a trip down memory lane.
p2161
aVWhat sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck.
p2162
aVHow did the burger wear it's hair? In a bun.
p2163
aVI asked Sean Connery whats his favourite London landmark was? "Shard". I know it is mate but just give it a go..
p2164
aVI could of been a snooker player, but no one gave me a break.
p2165
aVI saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
p2166
aVThe History Channel +1. Where History repeats itself.
p2167
aVWhat time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your tv? Time to buy a new tv.
p2168
aVI'd love to get into herb gardening. I just don't have the thyme.
p2169
aVYou're telling me I need to study? No thanks I'll pass.
p2170
aVWant to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it's too cheesy.
p2171
aVI went to the shop to buy some camouflage trousers earlier. But I couldn't find any.
p2172
aVWhy was the pube angry? Because it was pissed off.
p2173
aVInnuendo, an Italian suppository.
p2174
aVDoctor said I had jelly, custard and sponge in my ears. Explains why I was a trifle deaf.
p2175
aVMy wife left me because she said I'm obsessed with the muppets. Apparently, I'm not ready for a kermitment.
p2176
aVFound a joke in the bin today. It was rubbish.
p2177
aVWhats pink and wrinkly, and hangs out your pants? Your Mum.
p2178
aVQuasimodo goes to the pub and says "Scotch whiskey please". Barman says "Bell's alright?" Quasi says "Mind your own business".
p2179
aVI'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
p2180
aVWhy is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old.
p2181
aVI love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
p2182
aVHow do you organize a space party? You planet.
p2183
aVWhat do you call a fake macaroni? An impasta.
p2184
aVWhat's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
p2185
aVWhy didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
p2186
aVDid you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. Cannoli do so much. Now hes just a pizza history.
p2187
aVMy maths teacher called me average. How mean!
p2188
aVI met a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds fun, dozen tit.
p2189
aVMexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
p2190
aVHeadmaster of Hogwarts falls down the stairs. Tumbledore.
p2191
aVMy wife left me because she said it was annoying how I related everything in life to batman. What a Joker.
p2192
aVBought a suit made from a cactus, looked pretty sharp in it.
p2193
aVAt the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.
p2194
aVI was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine. At least he died in Comfort.
p2195
aVPakistani cricketers. They'll give you a run for your money.
p2196
aVA dog walker was found dead in the local park, police have found the dog, but as of yet, they have no lead.
p2197
aVMy gambling addiction cost me my marriage! Or, as I like to think of it, won me a divorce
p2198
aVWhat do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese
p2199
aVTwo silk worms had a race... it ended in a tie.
p2200
aVDid you hear about the dyslexic man that walked into a bra?
p2201
aVI went to Waterstones & asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked "hardback?" and I was like "yeah, and little heads".
p2202
aVSurely every car is a people carrier?
p2203
aVMy cat is recovering from a massive stroke.
p2204
aVWhat so you call a teacher that's always late for school? Mr Bus.
p2205
aVWhat do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon.
p2206
aVWhy did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one!
p2207
aVI think my baby frog is eastern European. It's a tad Polish
p2208
aVWhat kind of light must you switch on with your leg? A knee-on.
p2209
aVWhat's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.
p2210
aVI asked God for a bike, but then I realised God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
p2211
aVWhat do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk
p2212
aVWho's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy! But what about when he's not there? The hip replacement guy!
p2213
aVWhat's large, white and can kill you if it fell out of a tree? A fridge.
p2214
aVJust bought an amazing stereo that's made of cake. It's a gateaux blaster.
p2215
aVAlways remember that you're unique! Just like everyone else.
p2216
aVTraffic Update: Vicks Vaporub lorry has overturned on the motorway. Police have confirmed that there will be no congestion for 8 hours
p2217
aV5/4ths of people have problems with fractions.
p2218
aVHow do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.
p2219
aVHow do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers
p2220
aVReally hate my new job crushing empty Coca-Cola cans. Its soda pressing.
p2221
aVOur old sofa felt terrible yesterday. But now it's fully recovered
p2222
aVI've always wanted to learn how to juggle. I just don't have the balls to do it.
p2223
aVWhat happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
p2224
aVI just drank clearasil. It really hits the spot.
p2225
aVWhat does a lion use to help it drill? A roar plug.
p2226
aVApparently David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff. He can't be arsed with the Hassel anymore.
p2227
aVWhy was the biscuit crying? Because it's mother was a wafer too long
p2228
aVWhat's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint
p2229
aVI got a birthday card and when I opened it a Yorkshire pudding fell out. It was from Aunt Bessie!
p2230
aVWhat did the shetland pony say when he had a sore throat? Sorry. I'm a little horse.
p2231
aVWhat did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine.
p2232
aVTalking to a guy today who invented crosswords. Can't remember his name though. S_e_e
p2233
aVI saw a midget dressed like Hitler yesterday & I thought.. "that's a little racist".
p2234
aVMy mate got sacked from working on the dodgems. He's suing for funfair dismissal.
p2235
aVWhat's got two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog.
p2236
aVI promised my wife the earth today. But gave her the life and electrocuted her.
p2237
aVDo you want to hear a joke about sodium? Na...
p2238
aVMy hot lesbian neighbours got me Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch".
p2239
aVTampax jokes just aren't funny! Period.
p2240
aVI was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger... and then it hit me.
p2241
aVWhy does Noddy have a bell on his hat? Because he's a twat.
p2242
aVWhat cheese is made backwards? edam
p2243
aVWhere do birds meet for coffee? Nest-cafe
p2244
aVPeople in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. Last year they consumed 72,400 bananas and only 4 monkeys.
p2245
aVI didn't like the food on my flight home. It was too plane.
p2246
aVWith the new starwars film due out, Haribo have released some new sweets. I dont like them, they're all chewy.
p2247
aVI stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
p2248
aVMy mate has a new job clearing leaves this Autumn. He reckons he's going to rake it in.
p2249
aVDriving past a field & saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank. I thought "That scarecrow is clutching at straws."
p2250
aVWant to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it
p2251
aVI can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
p2252
aVWhat is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
p2253
aVI was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
p2254
aVThank god for nipples! Without them, boobs would be pointless.
p2255
aVMy friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.
p2256
aVYesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
p2257
aVHow can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
p2258
aVJust met a charming transvestite from the Manchester area. He had a Wigan address.
p2259
aVMan who invented anagrams has died. May he Erect a penis.
p2260
aVThis girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
p2261
aVHow did the nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall.
p2262
aVWhat do you call a sick eagle? Illegal.
p2263
aVDid you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?
p2264
aVWhy did Nivea Creme? Because Max Factor.
p2265
aVWhere does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from? Jason's Donner Van
p2266
aVDog goes into B&Q & says "excuse me, may I have a job?" Stunned clerk "have you tried the circus?" Dog "what would a they want with a plumber?"
p2267
aVWhat's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?Snowballs.
p2268
aVDid you hear about the local crossword champion who passed away? You can find him at the local cemetary 6 down and 4 across.
p2269
aVWhat do you call a judge with no fingers? Justice Thumbs
p2270
aVThere's reports coming in about an unexplained explosion that's caused a 75ft deep hole in Trafalgar Square! Police are looking into it.
p2271
aVDid you hear the one about the man with 5 cocks? His underpants fit like a glove.
p2272
aVIt cost me £5 to put air in my tyres yesterday! Oh well, that's inflation for you.
p2273
aVDid you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
p2274
aVWhy did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.
p2275
aVA man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing. Unfortunately he lost his case.
p2276
aVFor my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap. Drum roll please.
p2277
aVJust met Jurgen Klopps little brother. Klippety
p2278
aVWalking past the prison and saw a midget climbing down the wall. He glared at me. Said to my friend "That's a little con descending"
p2279
aVI wrote a song about tortilla. Actually it's more of a wrap.
p2280
aVBoss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" Me: "I Excel at it." Boss: "Was that Microsoft Office pun?" Me: "Word."
p2281
aVWhat's the hottest part of the sun? Page 3
p2282
aVLast week I went to see the foot doctor, I took out my willy & the doctor said "that's not a foot!" I said"I know, but it's a good 11 inches"
p2283
aVWhat do you call a woman covered in grass. Lawna
p2284
aVMidget psychic escaped from prison! Newspaper headline reads; Small Medium at Large.
p2285
aVWhat did the policeman say to his belly? You're under a vest.
p2286
aVIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
p2287
aVThere are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.
p2288
aVTeacher: Name 6 wild animals? Student: Four elephants and two lions
p2289
aVHad sex with a transvestite the other day. She took it like a man.
p2290
aVWhat do you call a man with no shins or feet? Neil
p2291
aVWhy did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the brake.
p2292
aVWhat do you call Postman Pat on the dole? Pat
p2293
aVJust had a mole removed from my penis. It's my own fault for shagging moles.
p2294
aVCongratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
p2295
aVRap is basically 75% cRap.
p2296
aVMy neighbour Mohammed has given up white water rafting. He's now a Muslim ex-streamist.
p2297
aVWhat did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.
p2298
aVSo I was steering a boat with my stomach muscles. Abseiling
p2299
aVI like lions manely because of their hair.
p2300
aVWhat's pink and invisible? This grapefruit.
p2301
aVI took the rear view mirror out of my car, and since then. I've never looked back
p2302
aVI asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said "Wow!" Then her friend said "She means 6663629".
p2303
aVGuess who I bumped into in specsavers the other day. Everyone!
p2304
aVWhat's the difference between a chick pea and a potato? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.
p2305
aVA Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos... then *poof* he disappeared without a tres!
p2306
aVWhats the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
p2307
aVWhat noise does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.
p2308
aVTwo satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
p2309
aVI like to tease my dyslexic dwarf friend alot. Its not big and its not clever.
p2310
aVWhat do ya call a woman who throws all her bills on the fire? Bernadette
p2311
aVWhy was 6 scared of 7? Because 7,8,9
p2312
aVMy wife accused me of having OCD. I soon put her in her place.
p2313
aVHow does a politician sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.
p2314
aVWhat do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.
p2315
aVWhat sort of jam can't you eat? Traffic jam.
p2316
aVTwo sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other: "bloody hell it's hot in here". The other says "OMG, A talking sausage!"
p2317
aVMake the little things count. Teach midgets maths.
p2318
aVRenewable energy. I'm a big fan.
p2319
aVWhat do you call a woman stretched across a tennis court? Annette
p2320
aVWhat do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
p2321
aVI had to call the Elvis impersonator hotline yesterday. Got told to press; 1 for the money 2 for the show
p2322
aVWhat do you call a man without a spade? Douglas.
p2323
aVWhat do you call a man with a spade? Doug.
p2324
aVWhat's red and white and flies at night? A sanitary owl.
p2325
aVDid you hear about the paper boy? He blew away.
p2326
aVMy neighbour complained to me about my dog chasing people on a bike. My dog can't even ride a bike.
p2327
aVWhat do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy
p2328
aVDating a girl from the zoo. She's a keeper.
p2329
aVI just spent all day looking for a cat with one eye. I think I would of found it if I used both.
p2330
aVWhy did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
p2331
aVWhat do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
p2332
aVWhat do you call a man in the sea with no arms and no legs? Bob
p2333
aVAn ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.
p2334
aVWhat's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
p2335
aVMy wife is a magician. She turned our car into a tree
p2336
aVI bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
p2337
aVI got the wife a wooden leg for Christmas, it's not a main present, just a stocking filler.
p2338
aVWhat did the cheese say when it saw it's self in the mirror? Halloumi!
p2339
aVHow did the cheese paint his wife? He double Gloucester.
p2340
aVDyslexic rules KO
p2341
aVWhat's the best cheese to use if you want to lure a bear out the woods? Camembert.
p2342
aVJust invited my friends round for a Vodka party. Everyone was in great spirits.
p2343
aVHow many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One two, One two
p2344
aVI asked the greengrocer for a bag of onions. He gave me one and said that's shallot.
p2345
aVWhat do you call a parrot under an umbrella? Polly unsaturated
p2346
aVWhen I got home from work I joined all my watches end to end to make a belt. What a waist of time!
p2347
aVWhat did the sea say to boat? Nothing it just waved.
p2348
aVI got stung by a bee the other day. £20 for a jar of honey.
p2349
aVA dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
p2350
aVI got myself a new job in the telescope factory. Things are really looking up.
p2351
aVI was in Tesco the other day and couldn't work out which pasta I needed to buy. Then the penne dropped.
p2352
aVHow much do cockneys pay for their shampoo? Pantene.
p2353
aVHear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
p2354
aVWhy can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.
p2355
aVWhere did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
p2356
aVMy boyfriend has just got a job as a light switch engineer. Its really turned me on.
p2357
aVMy girlfriend saw the backseat of my car last night! She said it needed hoovering.
p2358
aVMe: People say I've got a special way of lighting up the roomJudge: It's called arson & those people are witnesses.
p2359
aVTampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas Period only.
p2360
aVDid you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines.
p2361
aVYou cant beat a boiled egg.
p2362
aVTwo monkeys in a bath together. First one says: "Ooh Ooh Ah Ah" Second one says: "Best put some more cold water in then".
p2363
aVHow do u find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
p2364
aVWhats red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
p2365
aVWhat is Mr T's favourite yoghurt? Petit Filou
p2366
aVWhy did the alien leave the party? Because the atmosphere wasn't right.
p2367
aVI used to go out with a Dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes, but then she popped her clogs!
p2368
aVWhat's got 8 eyes and 8 legs? 8 pirates.
p2369
aVI'd love to have a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing.
p2370
aVWhat has 20 legs and flys? 5 dead horses.
p2371
aVHad a fight last night with the wife, she threw a lettuce at me! That's just the tip of the iceberg.
p2372
aVI once had a dog called Blacksmith. Every time i kicked it, he made a bolt for the door!
p2373
aVThere was a fight in the chippy last night! Two fish got battered.
p2374
aVI got offered a 42 inch TV for £25, the only problem is that the volume button doesn't work. For that price though, you can't turn it down.
p2375
aVWhat do you get hanging from apple trees? Sore arms.
p2376
aVWhat did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves. Only joking, she hasnt opened her presents yet
p2377
aVWhat invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts
p2378
aVWhat's the fastest type of cake? Scone
p2379
aVMy horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark. It's becoming a night mare. 
p2380
aVWhy did the little girls ice cream melt? She was on fire.
p2381
aVA woman looked in the mirror and was shocked to see her first strands of grey hair. She thought she'd dye.
p2382
aVWhat's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
p2383
aVWhy shouldn't you shake hands with Tigger? Because he plays with Pooh.
p2384
aVBuying spiders from the pet store costs way more than getting them off the web.
p2385
aVWhat's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot
p2386
aVI taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
p2387
aVJust been to visit my mates new baby, they asked me if I wanted to wind him. I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a dead leg.
p2388
aVI've got a joke about a tendon but it's a bit close to the bone.
p2389
aVWhy was the pie waiting on the corner? Because it was meat n potato.
p2390
aVWhat do thieves get for stealing calendars? 12 months
p2391
aVMy ex girlfriend was a girl called Anna Sthetic. She was a right knockout.
p2392
aVI went to a seafood disco last night. Pulled a mussel.
p2393
aVNeed an ark? I Noah guy.
p2394
aVI cut my finger whilst slicing cheese. I have grater problems.
p2395
aVWhat's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil? Popeye's penis.
p2396
aVHow many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but that lightbulb has to want to change.
p2397
aVMy family think I spend too much time doing dot-to-dot puzzles. But it's okay, I know where to draw the line.
p2398
aVWhat did the female dinosaur call her blouse business? Try Sarah's tops.
p2399
aVWhat do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick
p2400
aVBecoming vegetarian is a big missed steak.
p2401
aVTwo cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "This taste funny to you?"
p2402
aVSomeone threw a piece of cheese at me in the supermarket, I didn't think it was very mature.
p2403
aVI thought I'd lost my dog in London at the weekend. Turns out he was just outside Barking.
p2404
aVHow do you get Pikachu on a bus? Pokemon.
p2405
aVMy front door was cheap. Made of foam. You can't knock it!
p2406
aVI drank a bottle of cat shampoo last night. Dont ask meow!
p2407
aVWhy did the little girl fall off the swings? Because she has no arms.
p2408
aVWhat do you call a sheep in the army? Lambo
p2409
aVI met the man who invented windowsills. What a ledge.
p2410
aVWhat's E.T. Short for? He's only got little legs!
p2411
aVA mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
p2412
aVMy wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with "The Monkeys". I thought she was joking, then I saw her face.
p2413
aVThe wife is cleaning out the cupboards, dirty, filthy and covered in cobwebs. But she's good with the kids!
p2414
aVI told my Mum I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me! Should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
p2415
aVWent into a record shop and asked if they had anything by The Doors. He said "yes, a plant and a fire blanket."
p2416
aVWhat did the bad plant say to the good plant? I've turned over a new leaf.
p2417
aVI had a huge fight with my girlfriend yesterday, but I know she'll come crawling back to me. I stole her wheelchair.
p2418
aVThrew the washing machine at the missus. Bosch!!
p2419
aVTea is for mugs.
p2420
aVI start my new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
p2421
aVMy wife has left me because she says I keep treating her like a pet. She'll be back when she's hungry.
p2422
aVMy dad told me to stop using such high calibre rounds when we were out hunting. As usual, it went in one deer and out the other.
p2423
aVI used to have a job as a drill operator. It was well boring.
p2424
aVAfter complaints about its bright lights, our local Chinese restaurant has agreed to Dim Sum.
p2425
aVWhen a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
p2426
aVMy pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last. He was caught in a trap..
p2427
aVThe wife asked me to get that spray that will make the curtains smell nicer. Apparently femfresh wasn't it
p2428
aVWhats green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.
p2429
aVTried to catch fog yesterday. Mist
p2430
aVWhat did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice Belt"
p2431
aVWhere do fish keep their money? In a riverbank.
p2432
aVWhat does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay, underlay.
p2433
aVWhy did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila!
p2434
aVWhy did Sepp Blatter cross the road? To get to the other bribe!
p2435
aVWhat the best cheese to hide a horse with? Mascarpone.
p2436
aVOne of the best things about living I Sweden? Well, the flag is a big plus.
p2437
aVIt's a sad day today my best pal died of heartburn. I still can't believe Gaviscon.
p2438
aVWhats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones heavy the others a little lighter.
p2439
aVWas walking round Tesco's the other day and a bloke threw a big lump of cheese at me! I thought how dairy!
p2440
aVI'm going to a deodorant party at the weekend. Roll on Saturday.
p2441
aVMan goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He says "Got any fishcakes?" "No sorry" "Awww that's a shame it's his birthday"
p2442
aVBought myself a universal remote control last night. This could change everything..
p2443
aVA clown has been sacked for turning up late for his job at the circus. He is suing for funfair dismissal.
p2444
aVWhat do you call a cowboy with no money? Skint Eastwood.
p2445
aVThis song is called subtraction Take it away!
p2446
aVA bloke walked into a Fishmongers with a giant condom under his arm. "A pound a fillet?" The Fishmonger replied "A pound you don't".
p2447
aVTook the shell off my racing snail this weekend. Thought it might speed him up. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
p2448
aVHave you heard about the new Eddie Stobart film coming out? It looks quite good, i've seen the trailer!
p2449
aVWhat's brown and sticky? A stick.
p2450
aVBreaking News: Pedigree Chum have gone bust! They've called in the retrievers.
p2451
aVDid you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
p2452
aVTwo fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"
p2453
aVIf you hold a mackerel to your ear you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put the fucker down.
p2454
aVWhat is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested that most pirates would have been illiterate.
p2455
aVWhy did the Baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
p2456
aVWhat's the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
p2457
aVA bloke just ran up to me and said he was going to beat me up with the neck of his guitar! I said, is that a fret?
p2458
aVWhat kind of bees produce milk? Boo-bees.
p2459
aVRoses are red, Violets are blue, I've got dementia, Cheese on toast.
p2460
aVDid you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He didn't believe in Dog.
p2461
aVGot caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. Lifeguard shouted so loud, I almost fell in...
p2462
aVToday my dog 'Minton' swallowed a shuttlecock. Bad Minton!!!
p2463
aVSinging in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
p2464
aVDid you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack!
p2465
aVI used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
p2466
aV2 dyslexics are in a kitchen. One says to the other "can you smell food?" The other one says "I can't even smell my own name!"
p2467
aVI had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles. It was a love triangle.
p2468
aVWhiteboards. They're remarkable.
p2469
aVI'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
p2470
aVHow do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill.
p2471
aVI was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread & coleslaw! I wish he would stop taking sides.
p2472
aVMy wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
p2473
aVI used to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean.
p2474
aVHow does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious, that Israeli how he does it.
p2475
aVWhat is E.T. short for? He has really small legs
p2476
aVIt's real hard being a single mother when you're male and In your mid-twenties.
p2477
aVPaying rent is like hitting a snooze button on being homeless.
p2478
aVIf an apple is 100% paralyzed , is it considered a fruit or a vegetable?
p2479
aVThe happier Asian's get, the less they can see.
p2480
aVNew study shows that slight overweight women live longer                      Than the men who mention it
p2481
aVMy coworker keeps showing me pics asking if I've seen her baby. I told her it's been two years and she's not going to find them
p2482
aVI used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.
p2483
aVWhy do you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? She's probably thick and tired of it
p2484
aVSmoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you're a procrastinator.
p2485
aVSpeeding has never killed anyone. suddenly becoming stationary, now THATS what gets you.
p2486
aVWatching Jeopardy backward is like seeing 3 panelists ask questions where Trebek always gets them right
p2487
aVWhen I'm bored, I call sick into places I don't work, today I'm getting written up at Ross.
p2488
aVWhat's a pirate's favorite thing to read?\u000aNothing, he can't.
p2489
aVWhat's worse than finding a fly in your soup?\u000aThis punchline
p2490
aVSaw a raggedly dressed boy in the street and asked if he was an orphan. "what gave me away?" He asked, I said, "your parents"
p2491
aVI came across a hooker who'd do anything for $50\u000aGuess who got the porch repainted?
p2492
aVI try to teach my mom something new every day, because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes
p2493
aVI wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison.. But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition
p2494
aVIf a wipe down my vacuum with a paper towel.. That makes me a vacuum cleaner.
p2495
aVDid anyone wake green day up?
p2496
aVIf the gas station is 2 miles away and my dad can drive at 60MPH, why hasn't returned from getting snacks for 6 years?
p2497
aVSo glad I don't have to  hunt for food. I don't even know where sandwiches live.
p2498
aVWhat do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee
p2499
aVIs it bad to hate a certain race? Because I absolutely loathe Rainbow Road.
p2500
aVIf you're an astronaut and don't break up with someone by saying ' I need some space ' you're wasting everyone's time.
p2501
aVJust designed a website for orphans. There is no Home page.
p2502
aVTwo deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there.
p2503
aVWhich came first, the chicken or the egg?\u000a\u000aNeither, the rooster did
p2504
aVWhat did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?\u000a\u000aGloves.\u000a\u000aJust kidding, he hasn't gotten the box open yet.
p2505
aVI have to use a stepladder since my real ladder left when I was young.
p2506
aVWhy can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
p2507
aVWhy do orphans play tennis? Cause it's the only love they can get.
p2508
aVMy grandfather has the heart of a lion and a life ban from the zoo.
p2509
aVWhat do you call a boomerang That doesn't come back? A stick
p2510
aVBought a cake for my girlfriend and wrote 'I'm baking up with you' on it.
p2511
aVWhy don't black people get sunburned? Because most prisons are indoors.
p2512
aVIf you wait for the waiter to return..Doesn't that MAKE you the waiter?
p2513
aVAustralians don't have sex, they mate.
p2514
aVWhile cooking breakfast I asked my girlfriend how she likes her eggs, she said fertilized. \U0001f636
p2515
aVWhy is Peter Pan always flying? Cause he neverlands haah
p2516
aVWhy do sorority girls walk in odd-numbered packs? Because they can't even.
p2517
aVThe best part about dead baby jokes is they ever get old
p2518
aVWhat's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?\u000aThe wheelchair
p2519
aVI broke my pinky today. It hurts, But on the other hand, I'm just fine.
p2520
aVWhat do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? \u000a\u000aAsh
p2521
aVHow do you know if lady gaga is dead? You poke her face
p2522
aVWhat happens if Pinocchio says 'My nose will now grow'?
p2523
aVWhat do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
p2524
aVSo two dyslexics walk into a bra.
p2525
aVSo I saw a magic tractor today. It was driving down the street and turned into a field.
p2526
aVSo two fish are in a tank and one turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
p2527
aVWhoever invented knock knock jokes should win a no bell prize.
p2528
aVHow does a medium talk with shoes?\u000aShe converses
p2529
aVThree years ago today  I asked a beautiful girl to go on a date. Today I asked her to be my wife.\u000aShe said no both times.
p2530
aVWhat is it called when you kill your friend? Homiecide.\u000a\u000aOr murder
p2531
aVIf tomatoes are fruit then isn't ketchup actually a smoothie?
p2532
aVWhat if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
p2533
aVHow come you can drink a drink but not food  a food?
p2534
aVWhat did the homeless man get for Christmas? Frostbite.
p2535
aVOnce you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is a doctor's appointment.
p2536
aVRandom thought, I've never seen an Asian woman pregnant.
p2537
aVI once asked a pretty homeless woman If I could take her home. She said yes, but you shoulda seen her face when I took her box!
p2538
aVWalk into the building like whaddup I got a oh no I'm so sorry wrong building please continue with your funeral God bless
p2539
aVI really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the checkout lady keeps putting it back.
p2540
aVWant a stable relationship? Get a horse!
p2541
aVWill Smith really looks like that guy from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
p2542
aVWhat do you call fly with no wings? A walk! Hahaha.. Heh .
p2543
aVPlugs keep bending? Straighten the outlet with a fork!
p2544
aVI gave Easter candy to my roommates and I'm officially dubbed the mom of the apartment now.
p2545
aVI'm a social vegan. I avoid meet.
p2546
aVWhy aren't iphone chargers called apple juice?
p2547
aV#instagram : Made for people who don't want to beg for friends on Facebook.
p2548
aVI wonder if King-sized sheets are called Presidential-sized sheets in Europe..
p2549
aVThere's 364 more days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
p2550
aVNew food naming trend at the office, today i ate a sandwich named Steve.
p2551
aVIntroducing free idiot tests! Only $5!
p2552
aVDo homeless people understand knock knock jokes?
p2553
aVstaring from a distance counts is flirting, right?
p2554
aVI hate living where I do. I used to think 55 degrees is cold now I think 18 degrees is warm.
p2555
aVI often worry that mankind is going to start world war 3 solely because we enjoy trilogies.
p2556
aVpaused Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can't watch breaking bad.
p2557
aVMy new years resolution is to remember...umm...
p2558
aVSometimes I cry when cutting carrots just so the onions don't think they are ugly or something.
p2559
aVto this day, the boys at that used to bully me and take my lunch money still does. on the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
p2560
aVWhy can't someone look at me the way i look at French fries..
p2561
aVI remember 2012 like it was yesterday..
p2562
aVJust illegally downloaded a video while here in Jamaica. Does that make me a pirate of the Caribbean?
p2563
aVDon't worry, Mayans. If you get it wrong, it's not the end of the world.
p2564
aVLost my mood ring.. Not sure how I feel about this.
p2565
aVI never finish anyth
p2566
aVOnce upon a time, computers were only used for Paint and Space Pinball.
p2567
aVMyth:\u000a\u000aIt is said to be that once the 'M' in MTV once stood for music.
p2568
aVOf course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.
p2569
aVOf course gay men dress well. They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
p2570
aVTo girls who say all men are the same, nobody said you had to try them all.
p2571
aVThere are two deaf blokes Sat at each end of the bus, signing each other wildly. I'm fighting the urge to ask them to keep it down.
p2572
aVI'm writing a joke about a guy's first day at FedEx but I just can't get the delivery right.
p2573
aVI saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
p2574
aVIf Eve doomed the human population for an apple.. What would she do for a Klondike?
p2575
aVMoney can't buy happiness, but I'd much rather cry in a mansion.
p2576
aVAll girls that are 13-17 look exactly the same now. #college
p2577
aVIf anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6 PM until I'm escorted out by security.
p2578
aVI like to freak my dentist out by seductively licking his fingers during procedures.
p2579
aVMy wallet is so fat it's uncomfortable to sit. #richpeopleproblems
p2580
aVHalo 4: Saving more Teen pregnancies than Trojan.
p2581
aVUgh, stewardess wants us to turn off our portable electronics. Knew I should've brought my full desktop PC for this flight.
p2582
aVI've gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?". Too many people are taking it as a challenge.
p2583
aVIf you're having a bad day, just remember that someone has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
p2584
aVThey say nothing rhymes with orange. They're wrong. Nothing doesn't rhyme with orange.
p2585
aVI just got gas for $1.39 today at lunch! Gotta love Taco Bell.
p2586
aVI walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked,Whats this for? A pay rise.My wife told me to grow it first and then ask u
p2587
aVI'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is the maid on Family Guy.
p2588
aVMy homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like, it wasn't that hard.
p2589
aVMy boss:Ive noticed u nodding off during meetings recently.r u getting enough sleep?\u000aMe:Not really,the meetings are a lot shorter these days
p2590
aVI keep a baseball bat under the bed just in case someone breaks in and pitches a ball to me.
p2591
aVToday I am running around the park and putting sprinkles on dog crap so people's days aren't ruined.
p2592
aVFor Halloween this year I think I'm gonna go around to all the hospices and retirement homes and put up cemetery wallpaper.
p2593
aVI have a fear of speed bumps..but I'm slowly getting over it.
p2594
aVWhat if Taylor Swift and Adele started dating and then broke up?
p2595
aVGuys that try to pick up girls on Twitter are pathetic. Girls If you agree message me your number and we can talk about it.
p2596
aVMy advice to men; marry someone who looks sexy disappointed.
p2597
aVThe reason I wish I was in a gang would be so I know what to do with my hands in pictures.
p2598
aVSnooki's son is going to hate it when his friends discover Yo mama jokes.
p2599
aVI don't know why people want white iPhones... Everyone knows blacks run faster than whites.
p2600
aVSome girl yelled at me ' you're so hot!!' today on the street. Dont believe me? Ask Brad Pitt, he was Standing Right behind me.
p2601
aVI think I'm gonna get a cat just to blame it all the time for being a pussy.
p2602
aVIf guns don't kill people, people kill people, does that mean that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?
p2603
aVDid you just throw sodium chloride at me?! That's assault!
p2604
aVThey say there are a lot of scammers on the Internet! And for only $19.95 a month I can show you how to stop them!
p2605
aVI prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just surprised as everyone else by the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth.
p2606
aVI hate when I'm standing there trying to be handsome when some other guy comes and stands next to me and challenges my handsomeness.
p2607
aVTired of lacing shoes? Just replace them with earphones! They'll magically get knotted up every time, guaranteed.
p2608
aVSometimes I forget how to spell a word and I change the entire sentence just to avoid using that word.
p2609
aVWhat if oxygen lowers your voice and helium brings it back to normal?
p2610
aVThe worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money.
p2611
aVI gotta dig bick. You that read wrong. That awkward when you read that wrong also. And said "moment" after awkward. This is awkward.
p2612
aVI've just won 10 million on the lottery and decided to buy my local Chinese takeaway called 'Happiness'.\u000a\u000aYour move, philosophers.
p2613
aVDo the Chinese people who visit America realize they bought souvenirs made in their own country?
p2614
aVIf vegetarians loved animals so much, they would stop eating all their food.
p2615
aVDocumentaries: Like real movies except with ugly people.
p2616
aVWhy can Mario smash bricks with his head but dies when he gets touched by a turtle?
p2617
aVIt's the little things that count. That's why I'm hosting a math class for midgets.
p2618
aVHow do you pronounce tomato? Is it tomato or tomato?
p2619
aVI don't hate you, but If you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
p2620
aVI hate the part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and actually participate in life.
p2621
aVA boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did you see anything there that you weren't supposed to see?\u000a\u000aBoy: Yes, dad!
p2622
aVQ. Where do fags park?\u000a\u000aA. In the rear.
p2623
aVTeacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. \u000a\u000aJohnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
p2624
aVYo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
p2625
aVIrony:\u000a\u000a90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.\u000a\u000aA million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom
p2626
aVI once dated a girl who had a parrot.\u000a\u000aDang thing would never shut up.\u000a\u000aBird was cool though.
p2627
aVJust saw two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard. Pillow fight.
p2628
aVAnyone know how long it takes this Axe body spray to get you swarms of girls? I've been drinking this stuff for weeks now.
p2629
aVIf a red-headed man works at a bakery, is he a ginger bread man?
p2630
aVTitanic was a slut. She went down on the first date and ironically swallowed a bunch of seamen, too.
p2631
aVMy girlfriend once asked me what turned me on: her sexy body or pretty face, I replied' your sense of humor'
p2632
aVAn elephant asks a camel why it had breasts on its back and the camel replied, ' silly question for someone who has a dick on its face '
p2633
aVIf women ruled the world there wouldn't be any wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
p2634
aVThere are two types of people in this world. People who pee in the shower, and dirty freaking liars.
p2635
aVWhat did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?\u000a\u000aWiped his butt.
p2636
aVAlcohol never solves any problems.\u000a\u000aBut then again, neither does milk.
p2637
aVI shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night.\u000a\u000aEspecially since I walked there.
p2638
aVI'm going to order a pizza and act confused when it arrives. 'for Chase? Chase is DEAD! He died ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago!
p2639
aVTo do:\u000a1) Dig a hole\u000a2) Name it love\u000a3) Watch people fall in it
p2640
aVSomething just occurred to me. Why are all the 'intelligent life' finding sources pointed away from earth?
p2641
aVI bought my wife some of that "volume control" shampoo.\u000a\u000aDoesn't work, I can still hear her.
p2642
aVI only trust people who like big butts.\u000a\u000aCause they can not lie.
p2643
aV"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found at all corners of the earth. Then he made the world round and laughed.."
p2644
aVI struggle with my laziness. I'm like, "should I sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing?"
p2645
aVWhy I donate sperm instead of blood? I MAKE lives not save them. And you know, other stuff.
p2646
aVI tried to log onto Twitter earlier today. It said,"Cookies are required to operate." I thought to myself, "Me too Twitter. Me too."
p2647
aVIf robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
p2648
aVThey should readjust clothing size to S,M,L,XL,F(at) and 2F(at).
p2649
aVI hate it when old people poke me at a wedding and say, "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
p2650
aVIf a bunch if midgets did a wave, would it be called a ripple?
p2651
aVYo momma so fat she have flabby thighs but lucky for you her stomach covers em.
p2652
aVI named my hard drive "dat ass" so that once a month, my computer asks me if I want to, "back dat ass up."
p2653
aVIt sucks when a bathroom sign says 'employees must wash hands' and I wait for over an hour and no one comes to wash my hands.
p2654
aV10 reasons I\u2019m lazy:\u000a1)
p2655
aVI got this really cute girl's number today.\u000aI'm starting to think that I should cause car accidents more often.
p2656
aVRunning away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're fat.
p2657
aVWeather outside is BEAUTIFUL today. I think I'll go for a run. I won't do it, but I'll think about it.
p2658
aVSo, I was just standing around, doing nothing, when I got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
p2659
aVYo Momma is so stupid she spent all day saying 'am not' to R2
p2660
aVMe: "How do you spell HIV?" \u000aFriend:"H.I.V" \u000aMe: "Are you positive?" \u000aFriend:"Yes... Wait no... Damn!"
p2661
aVListen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them, idiot.
p2662
aVI am glad technology has progressed to the point where we can take pictures that look like ones taken when technology sucked. #instagram
p2663
aVObesity doesn't run in my family, the problem is no one does.
p2664
aVI give back to the world by seeding my torrents.
p2665
aVStatistics show that teen pregnancy rapidly drop after the age of 19.
p2666
aVGod is love.\u000aBut Satan does that thing with his tongue that you love.
p2667
aVIf you think you are having a bad day..just remember one day somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom.
p2668
aVThe symbol in which everyone thinks is a heart  is not actually derived from an actual heart? But a rear view of a girl bending over.
p2669
aVMy ex? Yea I'd still hit that... with a bus.
p2670
aVI'm going to start a beer brand and name it Responsibly.
p2671
aVMy mate says,I remember my very first date with my wife,can u?\u000a"Yeah,"I replied,she was wearing sexy red lingerie,then u closed the curtains
p2672
aVYo momma jokes are old, common and used by everyone.\u000a\u000aJust like yo momma.
p2673
aVStop calling yourself hot. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.
p2674
aVSometimes, I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head toward my chest and then lean forward... 'Cause that's how I roll.
p2675
aVThis shout out is dedicated to all my blind followers: ... .. ... . .... ... .. ... .. . ..... ... ... . ..
p2676
aV"What do we want?"\u000a"A cure for obesity!"\u000a"When do we want it?"\u000a"After lunch!"
p2677
aV My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.\u000a\u000aThese days, she's more of a large.
p2678
aVIf my friend asks me to keep a secret, and says, "Don't tell a soul," can I still tell my ginger friend?
p2679
aVOnce you turn 21, you can finally legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 16.
p2680
aVJehovah's Witness' don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like random strangers coming to their door.
p2681
aVNo one ends life a virgin, life screws us all.
p2682
aVI got a new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom. Now I can Hardly walk, but my farts smell awesome.
p2683
aVI don't know whats more awkward. answering Dora, or sitting in silence as she stares at you.
p2684
aVWhy was Michael Jackson once spotted at K-Mart? He heard child's pants were half off.
p2685
aVMy girlfriend just asked for some alone time.. I made her a MySpace account.
p2686
aVI love the anonymity of the Internet. I could be tweeting this naked and you would never know.
p2687
aVHeard Apple was making a new iPod Touch model targeting a younger audience. I don't think the ' iTouch Kids ' is gonna be a big success.
p2688
aVI'm going to try winking as much in real life as I do in texts. ;)
p2689
aVI'll act my age when I'm 69.
p2690
aVI'm not affected by the price of gas, I just get $20 worth every time.
p2691
aVInspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
p2692
aV9/11 Jokes are just plane wrong, and Nazi jokes aren't funny, Ann frankly I am quite offended by them.
p2693
aVHey, I lost my phone. If you find it, call or text me, would ya?
p2694
aVSo I'm at Golden Gate bridge and everyone is telling me to jump, I'm only out for a jog!
p2695
aVI saw a girl fully clothed walking by me at the mall earlier today, 'Skank' I thought to myself, 'I bet she's naked under all those clothes'
p2696
aVI'm always willing to put in more hours at work, specifically lunch hours.
p2697
aVI am so jealous of my parents because there is no way I'll get a kid as cool as theirs.
p2698
aVBirth control pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
p2699
aVMy imaginary girlfriend just put me in the friendzone.
p2700
aVDecided to get into shape..I choose shape of potatoe.
p2701
aVSaving your document as "fgaskljdflkjsan" and having your computer say the file name is already taken.
p2702
aVHave you ever noticed razor blades taste just like blood?
p2703
aVBought my gay friend a GPS just so it would tell him to go straight.
p2704
aVCondoms come in three sizes. Small, medium, and liar.
p2705
aVMy girlfriend says I'm too immature...well no more treehouse privileges for her.
p2706
aVAs soon as I finish wiping is when my bowels choose to RELEASE THE KRACKEN
p2707
aVAt me bro you come. - Yoda
p2708
aVYou're a Philosophy major you say? Impressive, and yes, please make my order a combo.
p2709
aVsomeone called me gay for wearing heels the other day..but I was not going to wear tennis shoes with that dress.
p2710
aVAll atheists are hypocrites. Why, you say? They've all taken math. 2^4 is a higher power.
p2711
aVBy definition, people with bad ideas cannot be swayed by logic.
p2712
aVWhy do they offer senior discounts? They've had twice as long as anyone else to get the money!
p2713
aVFor all you who think nothing is impossible, please go staple jello to a tree.
p2714
aVMy buddy just asked me where he's supposed to rub the computer to turn it on..
p2715
aVSorry I haven't tweeted today. Justin Bieber's new album is out tonight, been standing in line all day to jump off Golden Gate Bridge.
p2716
aVNever go fishing with Skrillex, he always drops the bass.
p2717
aVI hate it when my Ferrari runs out of gas and I have to drive my Lamborghini.
p2718
aVQuote of the day: "Whenever you're feeling powerless, remember that just one of your turds can shut down a whole swimming pool."
p2719
aVI just told my friend that I am going to be a comedian--he laughed at me. I'm off to a good start!
p2720
aVMy credit card company loves me. Every day, I get a call from them saying my balance is outstanding.
p2721
aVTo all you vegetarians, the lifestyle you have chosen is a big missed steak .
p2722
aVHitch hikers are the friendliest people in the world. Everytime I pass one, they give me a thumbs up!
p2723
aVMy girlfriend said she was going to leave me because I am too impatient. \u000a\u000aI can't wait.
p2724
aVMy Contacts have been very irritating lately, so I deleted them off my phone .
p2725
aVRead a caution label 'Avoid contact with eyes' --shoot! I've already seen it!
p2726
aVI went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Got to check-out and realized I picked 7up
p2727
aVSo my girlfriend asked me for something that could go\u000aFrom 0-200 in 5 seconds. I gave her a bathroom scale.
p2728
aVI hate being bipolar. It is awesome.
p2729
aVMy game dog sucks at chess.
p2730
aVDon't ever run away from your problems, unless your problem is being chased by a bear.
p2731
aVI stuck my head out the window while driving and got arrested for mooning..
p2732
aVScored a job as an accountant. My new nickname is 'The Thought'.
p2733
aVA non-conformist. Just like everybody else.
p2734
aVI dont see the issue over whether prisoners get the right to\u000aVote or not. Criminals get elected anyway.
p2735
aVElleene Polley, inventor of the TV remote, has died. He shall be buried underneath the sofa cushions.
p2736
aVAll girls are iron man. Fe=Iron Male=Man
p2737
aVShout out to my boy Brian for saving 18 lives yesterday. Saved 2 cats from a tree.
p2738
aVThat awkward moment when your sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.
p2739
aVWhat If Aliens only abduct crazy people BECAUSE no one will believe them?
p2740
aVThat awkward moment when you realize the moment is just that.
p2741
aVHi my name is Avoid Completely. Danger is my middle name.
p2742
aVI hope college is gonna be as easy as half the girls that go there.
p2743
aVLet's be frank here. I'm Sinatra.
p2744
aVI think the biggest cause of dry skin is towels.
p2745
aVEvery 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes away. We have got to put an end to this!
p2746
aVWhat do I do when I'm too attractive ? Oops, meant to google ;)
p2747
aVNickelback walks into a bar...there is no punch line cause ruining music isn't funny.
p2748
aVI'm always looking  for my Number 1. You see, I'm not a very good aim in the bathroom.
p2749
aVA headache is just your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
p2750
aVAccording to Kinect, I am the controller, so whenever I lose, I throw myself on the ground and stomp on myself.
p2751
aVYou think living on the streets is bad? I'm from the sidewalk. Stepped on a crack and grew up motherless.
p2752
aVI was gonna do nothing today, but then I realized I hadn't finished doing it yesterday.
p2753
aVWhat do you call a Mexican that lost his vehicle? Carlos
p2754
aVWho is this feat. Guy? He's in a lot of songs.
p2755
aVI think "Shots" by LMFAO was paid off by doctors during flu season.
p2756
aVStudy shows researchers waste a lot of time finding out dumb things.
p2757
aVMy hugely-fat teacher was talking about the issue of obesity in America. Talk about an elephant in the room.
p2758
aVGot a puzzle that said "2-4 years" only took me 1.
p2759
aVSo I was at work at a conference call eating Cheetos without muting the mic. This is what I've always dreamt work would be.
p2760
aVYou compliment your friend on their mustache and suddenly she doesn't talk to you anymore. WTF?
p2761
aVMy friend said he got high from sniffing Coke, but I only have Pepsi. How do I do it?
p2762
aVMy Nigerian wife looked at our 5-year-old kid and said "aww, they blow up so fast"
p2763
aVI wonder if the ladies at the clubs can hear what the sings are saying about them.
p2764
aVI hate when I lose my white friends in the snow
p2765
aVThey say there is safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million Jews.
p2766
aVThe only reason why I want to legalize weed in America is so that potheads have nothing ever to talk about ever again.
p2767
aVI heard that Apple was planning on an iPad Mini.. I thought they already had one? The iPhone.
p2768
aVI've got an obsession with cats. My girlfriend is kicking meeeeowwwt.
p2769
aVMy great granddad perished on the sinking of the Titanic..he had a heart attack in The movies last week.
p2770
aVI think McDonald's only truthful menu item is the No. 2
p2771
aVI go to all these step-by-step programs and I still don't know how to dance.
p2772
aVSaw a bud's tweet saying "spending The night with my girl" I chuckled to myself because that movie SUCKED.
p2773
aVI think I'm having a no-life crisis.
p2774
aVI have a joke about unemployment, but it needs some work.
p2775
aVMy brother is in prison for something he didn't do--run fast enough.
p2776
aVThe people who make medicine clearly do not know what fruit tastes like.
p2777
aVA blonde read a news headline, "12 Brazilian soldiers killed" She shook her head and asked her friend, "How many is a Brazilian?"
p2778
aVTo the person who invented 0: Thanks for nothing.
p2779
aVSupervision: not as cool as it sounds.
p2780
aVI have two identical watches. I've got time to spare
p2781
aVAnxiety: Half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.
p2782
aVI don't go to The doctors because they Insist their profession is called a practice.
p2783
aVOne guy asked another: "Have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"\u000aHis friend replied: "No, but I've woken up with plenty."
p2784
aVThe only people that feel bad about wasting their life are the people that wouldn't be able to do anything useful with it, anyway.
p2785
aVPolitics: the fastest way to piss of anybody and get enemies.
p2786
aVThe "check engine" light came on, so I did.\u000a\u000aYup, still there.
p2787
aVI'm a fast listener. I listen to my girlfriend so fast I usually finish listening before she's done talking.
p2788
aVI went to the caucus meeting, got bored, went home and decided to learn about government by listening to Rage Against the Machine.
p2789
aVMy humbleness is my best quality.
p2790
aVI've never met a mirror I didn't like.
p2791
aVI'm having car trouble. I can't afford to put the gas in.
p2792
aVI just met the girl of my dreams. I forgot about her just a few minutes after I saw her.
p2793
aVEnglish teachers put more thoughts into novels than the authors do.
p2794
aVWhat activity do 3 out of 4 people call a good time? Gang rape.
p2795
aVHow a pessimist counts his blessings, "10..9..8..7.."
p2796
aVI tried to throw away my yo yo, it was freaking impossible.
p2797
aVMarried men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die.
p2798
aVIf steroids are illegal for athletes, Photoshop should be for models.
p2799
aVDoes the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
p2800
aVChanged the computer password to "keepquiet" because that's something my girlfriend does not know how to do.
p2801
aVWomen are reasonable! As long as we admit they're right, we don't have to agree to anything.
p2802
aVTelevision: A device that enables people aren't doing anything to watch people who can't do anything.
p2803
aVThe only reason why I'm hot is because I got fired.
p2804
aVI deleted my facebook because I don't care that 758 of my friends have colds.
p2805
aVPrius: a tampon on wheels.
p2806
aVIf all men are the same, why do women take so long to find one?
p2807
aVI gave my girlfriend blood today, I know it's not a great Valentine's gift , but it came from the heart.
p2808
aVFool me once , shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on thee. Fool me 8 times , you're probably a woman.
p2809
aVMen don't care whats on tv. They care what else is on tv.
p2810
aVLooks like my do absolutely nothing and get filthy rich plan isn't working.
p2811
aVValentines day is cancelled. Want proof? 14-02-12=0
p2812
aVI would never be a doctor. Id have to work on the weakened.
p2813
aVWhat concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent and nickel back.
p2814
aVI think I speak for everyone on Twitter when I say blah blah blah blah.
p2815
aVYour mommas so fat, she uses Google++++
p2816
aVThis planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door has been laying outside for 3 days now.
p2817
aVDid Adam and eve have belly buttons?
p2818
aVI just watched the entire P90X series and didn't lose a single pound. What a scam!
p2819
aVWhat is the same about Netflix and diarrhea? They both stream instantly.
p2820
aVSorry for no tweets yesterday, I think my neighbors forgot to pay the Internet bill. How irresponsible of them.
p2821
aVNaming one of my children Bass so if I drop them no one will get mad at me.
p2822
aVAs soon as women see me, they immediately in shape to impress me. They start running.
p2823
aVChanging my Facebook language to Spanish. So now instead of a "Like" button, I have a "Me Gusta" button.
p2824
aVI wonder if the girls on 16 and pregnant will come back and have a show called 32 and a grandma?
p2825
aVNeed a new book that will just blow your Mind? Read Twilight! You'll read a page and want to shoot yourself.
p2826
aVWhen a deaf person sees me yawn, does he think I'm screaming?
p2827
aVMy cat should stop thinking outside of the box.
p2828
aVMy parents are omnipotent. In other words, they are all-no-ing.
p2829
aVWhen a women says 'What?' it's not because she didn't hear you. Shes giving you a chance to change what you said.
p2830
aVI'm gonna make a book called there's Waldo. And you have to find everything else.
p2831
aVIf I turned invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a street mime. The amount of applause he would get would be amazing.
p2832
aVDo you think Satan gets a lot of letters from Dyslexic kids during Christmas?
p2833
aVThe chances of you dying on the way to get your lottery tickets are greater than your chances of winning.
p2834
aVHitler without a blindfold: " I can see"\u000aHitler with a blindfold: " I can Nazi"
p2835
aVTeacher: A person who helps you solve problems you wouldn't have without them.
p2836
aV"Wow, nice pair of crocs"\u000a-Said no one, ever.
p2837
aVWas on Yahoo! Answers and saw a question. \u000a"How big is the specific ocean?"\u000aI replied, " Can you be more pacific? "
p2838
aVMy girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to the gas station.
p2839
aVThe problem with political jokes is they always get elected.
p2840
aVI walk by the clock to pass the time.
p2841
aVFor every dollar a man makes, a woman makes seventy cense. That's not fair cause the man is only left with .30.
p2842
aVIf I had a quarter for every time homeless person asked me for change, I'd still say no.
p2843
aVThe only thing easier to pick up when it's heavy is women.
p2844
aVSo stressed my acne just broke out.
p2845
aVWhen a recipe asks for crushed ice, I tell the cubes they'll never amount to anything.
p2846
aVYou know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
p2847
aVDo you ever get the feeling you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.
p2848
aVI think men who have a pierced ear are more prepared for marriage. They've already bought jewelry and have experienced pain.
p2849
aV'Yo yo'--a six year old's favorite toy, or two gang members talking? You be the judge.
p2850
aVSometimes, I miss being in a relationship. But then I look in my wallet and feel alright again.
p2851
aVAn angel came and told me God has been hearing my prayers...and they're really creeping Him out.
p2852
aVI'm not ignoring you, I'm pretending you're dead.
p2853
aVMy girlfriend left me for my neediness of approval. That's ridiculous, right guys? Right? Right?
p2854
aVRoses are grey.\u000aViolets are grey.\u000aI'm colorblind.
p2855
aVInstead of cosmetics, I'm giving my wife PhotoShop.
p2856
aVSome girl just said she wanted to have my children. Im dropping off my 2-year-old tomorrow.
p2857
aVWhy do people take years to write a novel when they can buy one for a couple bucks?
p2858
aVMagicians make people disappear all the time! But as soon as I take and hide a regular person everyone freaks out!
p2859
aVThe first time I sang in the church choir about 200 hundred people changed their religion.
p2860
aVIt pains me to say this...but I have a sore throat.
p2861
aVAge has its advantages. Too bad no one that old can remember what they are.
p2862
aVWhen someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
p2863
aVI'm super lazy. It's like lazy, but I wear a cape.
p2864
aVWhen I went to the urologist he said I had to go.
p2865
aVI want to find my true self. But for fun, I decided to throw on some camouflage.
p2866
aVAll men make mistakes. Married men just find out about them quicker.
p2867
aVEver decide to run a red light but the guy in front of you chickens out?
p2868
aVDo you know what all kind of imported port-a-potties should be called? EUROPEAN.
p2869
aVThe only time I smile when I have done something wrong, is when I have found someone to blame it on.
p2870
aVPeople like you are the reason we have middle fingers.
p2871
aVI'm happy. Don't ruin it by talking to me.
p2872
aVI'd rather have a mustache than a baby.
p2873
aVIn a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people for punishment.
p2874
aV"Last night, I was sitting so long that I had to do some stretches before I used the bathroom." -Corinna M
p2875
aVFoosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
p2876
aVI never knew true happiness until I got married...then it was too late.
p2877
aVAnything not made by God is made in China.
p2878
aVYou so ugly even a basilisk couldn't look you in the eye.
p2879
aVMaking another Facebook profile called Ahontas and have people poke me.
p2880
aVThe last piece of that Butterfinger I ate in '07 finally came out of my teeth.
p2881
aVI tried on a pair of jeans from 7 years ago and they still fit perfectly. My "eat whatever I want and hope nothing happens" diet is working!
p2882
aVWhenever I have a problem, I just sing. Then I realize that my voice is worse than my problem and it isn't a big deal anymore.
p2883
aVHome alone and something just farted. Don't know whether to laugh or be scared.
p2884
aVWas in the gym earlier and jumped on the treadmill.people were giving me weird looks so I started jogging instead.
p2885
aVMy girlfriend said my brother is ugly, I typically wouldn't mind, but we are identical twins.
p2886
aVWhen people tell me to make myself at home, I begin to yell invariably at the tv.
p2887
aVTake my advice, do not take my advice.
p2888
aVSome day you'll go far, and I hope you stay there.
p2889
aVI have horrible luck. The only girl in the world for me is my adopted sister.
p2890
aVI'm going to open a parachute company. Because anyone who would complain about my product is already dead.
p2891
aVI predict we have been reading the Mayan calendar upside-down an we still have another 2000 years to live.
p2892
aVTrying to figure out why suicidal pilots wear helmets.
p2893
aVUgly people don't need beauty sleep, they need hibernation.
p2894
aVWhen girls say "let's just be friends" it's like your mom telling you that your dog died but you can still keep it.
p2895
aVMy New Year's resolution is to make commitments I can't keep. I am well on my way.
p2896
aVIf I ate myself would I be twice as big or disappear completely?
p2897
aVThe only dream that ever comes true is one about peeing.
p2898
aVLiking your own Facebook status is like high-fiving yourself in public.
p2899
aVFundraiser idea: Play 'Baby' by Justin Bieber constantly, and have people pay to make it stop.
p2900
aVNew Year's Resolution: 1: Buy a padlock. 2: Find a person with Tunnel plugs( holes in their ear). 3: Lock it onto their ear. 4: Run.
p2901
aVJust bought some Emo grass seed for the lawn. It cuts itself!
p2902
aVWe live a society where obesity is uprising and skinny jeans are a fad. Please help me.
p2903
aVIasanamericanhavediscoveredanewwaytobelazyandthatisusingnospacebar.
p2904
aVI stood up and the button on my shirt fell off, I grabbed my bag and the handle broke off, and now I'm really afraid to go to the bathroom.
p2905
aVVideo games have better plots than moves nowadays.
p2906
aVI met the girl of my dreams, then I woke up.
p2907
aVDon't lie to me! That's what the government does!
p2908
aVDog: Man's best friend.\u000aCat: Man's reclusive roommate who poops in a box.
p2909
aVDoes this XXXXL shirt make me look fat?
p2910
aVDo you think when midgets take drugs they get medium instead of high?
p2911
aVDid you ever noticed the word 'bed' actually looks like one?
p2912
aVI say 'Pika' every time before I sneeze.
p2913
aVChuck Norris is a stupid actor! if he was a good actor he'd come over and slap my head on the keyknadjndbndkndbjdknskodokdnsnmanbsjdo
p2914
aVWhat people don't realize: Those people who think paying $60 for a video game is a waste just bought themselves a $300 pair of shoes.
p2915
aVI was looking at my family tree and noticed a dog peeing on it.
p2916
aVThe best person for the job is the one who understands it well enough not to want it.
p2917
aVErnie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert!
p2918
aVNeed a distraction? Not only does 12+1=11+2, but the letters "twelve plus one" rearrange to give you "eleven plus two".
p2919
aVPress Alt + F4 to finish the joke..
p2920
aVShotgun Weddings : A wife or death situation.
p2921
aVI live everyday trying not to disappoint those three people who wrote "Stay Cool" in my yearbook.
p2922
aVSometimes wisdom doesn't come with age, sometimes just age likes to show up.
p2923
aVI once had a girlfriend who could look into the future. She left me before we met.
p2924
aVone out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, its \u000aYou
p2925
aVAs I said before, I never repeat myself!
p2926
aVI'm going to get a bumper sticker that says "If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and sue you"
p2927
aVJust sold my car for gas money.
p2928
aVWatching a blonde with lipstick on her forehead, she must be making up hermind.
p2929
aVWatched a blonde staring at an orange juice for 20 minutes, finally asked her what she was doing and she said it said "concentrate"
p2930
aVI have a degree in art--you want fries with that?
p2931
aV111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
p2932
aV- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
p2933
aVJust changed my ringtone to a busy signal. Why haven't I thought of this before?
p2934
aVIf I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
p2935
aVBeauty is only a light switch away.
p2936
aVRight now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
p2937
aVJust found a misspelled word in the dictionary... What do I do?!?!
p2938
aVI considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays
p2939
aVIf you see your friend Jack on an airplane, don't say Hi to him.
p2940
aVYesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
p2941
aVWhat's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
p2942
aVDid you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He thought he was following someone.
p2943
aVI wish school was as easy as half the girls that go there.
p2944
aVThe reason I don't watch Jersey Shore is because I can watch talking carrots on VeggieTales.
p2945
aVI still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving
p2946
aVI wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
p2947
aVPolice were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
p2948
aVNeed an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
p2949
aVI would take a bullet for anybody, unless it was shot out of a gun.
p2950
aVIm sorry, did The middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
p2951
aVA men tells his doctor "Doc, help,I'm addicted to Twitter!" the doctor replies, "sorry, I dont follow you.."
p2952
aVIt's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.
p2953
aVWhat is it called when I pay people off not to call it bribery?
p2954
aVI learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
p2955
aVI put off more things by 9:00am than most people do all day.
p2956
aVPeople can be so full of crap. They should consider a laxative.
p2957
aVWhy'd The blonde get fired from The M&M factory? She threw away all The W's
p2958
aVIf a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
p2959
aVWhat's the other word for synonym?
p2960
aVI'm amazed swearing isn't a part of Driver's Ed.
p2961
aVJust saw a guy hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine
p2962
aVI'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
p2963
aVOriginality is The art of concealing your sources.
p2964
aVMarriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
p2965
aVFollow your dreams, except for the one where your naked at work.
p2966
aVGot some new underwear today, well, to me.
p2967
aVI'm not a pessimist. I have a B Negative blood type.
p2968
aVWant to save money on car insurance? Flee the scene!
p2969
aVThey need to change the national bird to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
p2970
aVNothing makes me feel more in control then the shaking, panicking icons when I'm about to delete an app.
p2971
aVCan't find the bottom of my shoes. Guess I have some sole searching to do.
p2972
aVWent to open mic night and it was just some dude talking about his life.
p2973
aVI'm throwing a party for people who have issues with orgasms. Can you come?
p2974
aVTwilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans claim you just don't understand.
p2975
aVWhy do women live longer, peaceful lives? Because they don't have a wife!
p2976
aVGirl: Do you know, why were females created before males?\u000aBoy: Because God needed a rough funny draft before the final copy!
p2977
aVDo you know when you are in hospital, your friends ask: Hi, how are you dear?\u000aBut your best friends ask: Hey buddy, how is the nurse?
p2978
aVMy girlfriend thinks I'm a workaholic, to prove her wrong, I only worked a double shift on the weekends instead of a triple.
p2979
aV"Inverted sit-ups" is just a fancy name for lay-downs. I can only do one. But I can hold it for a long time.
p2980
aVI wish there was a cereal with human shaped things to eat, then I could be a cereal killer.
p2981
aVIf a deaf person swears, does their mom wash their hands with soap?
p2982
aVMy best friend ran off to become a mime, I haven't heard from him since.
p2983
aV"The biggest problem with using the Internet is you never know if it's reliable or not" -Abraham Lincoln
p2984
aVI was just awarded a trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
p2985
aVThe first person who pulled an egg out from under a chicken's butt and ate it must have been really freaking hungry.
p2986
aVTeachers know when you are texting. I mean, are you really looking at your crotch and smiling?
p2987
aVIf there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.
p2988
aVI'm on a diet where I eat everything and hope for a miracle.
p2989
aVBad decisions=good stories.
p2990
aVMy favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
p2991
aVBaby: What you can sleep like if you dont have one.
p2992
aVI saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said "guess"
p2993
aVHow fast does a Zebra have to run before it looks grey?
p2994
aVI have a time machine. But it only goes forward at a regular speed.
p2995
aVWhale watching is very similar to watching disappointed people on a boat.
p2996
aVHome: A mobile home with a flat tire.
p2997
aVRenamed the router "Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wi-Fi"
p2998
aVThey should make a Rosetta Stone for men to understand women.
p2999
aVBe there in 5 minutes, if not, read this again.
p3000
aVI think the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is the fact a Ginger had two friends.
p3001
aVWhen I see people in camouflage I bump into them and say"Whoa, sorry I didnt see you there".
p3002
aVMy math professor staples Burger King applications to failed tests.
p3003
aVGirls, if a guy pauses a video game to text you back, marry him.
p3004
aVAre straight and gay pirates after the same booty?
p3005
aVI'm going to make an ice cream name "Genetics" so then people have an excuse to be so fat.
p3006
aVI'm going to make a shirt for fat people that says "I beat anorexia".
p3007
aVWhy did the phone wear glasses? He lost his contacts.
p3008
aVI see a striking resemblance between Justin Bieber and Elton John.
p3009
aVI hate Lay's for selling me air in a bag with a little bit of chips.
p3010
aVBack in my day, we had NINE planets.
p3011
aVRespect your parents. They did school without google or Wikipedia.
p3012
aVWhy'd the idiots at Microsoft buy Skype for over $10 million dollars when they can download it for free?
p3013
aVI think the worst part about being an Asian is trying to tell whether you blinked in a picture or not.
p3014
aVTickling: Like being raped, but you're forced to laugh.
p3015
aVWhen MW3 was released in Iraq, they called it Sims.
p3016
aVI think Emos just like the way their hair smells.
p3017
aVFighting for peace is like having sex for virginity.
p3018
aVLOOK LEFT ----------------------------> fail.
p3019
aVStudy: The act of watching TV, texting and eating with an open textbook nearby.
p3020
aVI wish Google Maps had an 'Avoid the Ghetto' routing option.
p3021
aVI wanna throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.
p3022
aVThose laxative commercials seem to go right through me.
p3023
aVSick of being so tired? Well there's a nap for that.
p3024
aVI was reading 'The History of Glue' last night--I couldn't put it down.
p3025
aVI wish my only problem in life was fighting over how many millions of dollars I make. #Lockout
p3026
aVThat moment where you're trying to work but a bunch of YouTube videos keep popping up.
p3027
aVI wont jump in front of a bullet for anyone. Because if I have time to jump in front, you have time to move.
p3028
aVI'm quitting eating these Thanksgiving leftovers; cold turkey.
p3029
aVI would be the funniest man alive if I had no morality.
p3030
aVHim: You're sexy!\u000aHer: And I Know it!\u000aHim: LMFAO, good one!
p3031
aVAmbition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
p3032
aVI've got a friend whose butler is missing his left arm--serves him right.
p3033
aVI bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I'll probably put it in the front room.
p3034
aVPeople who say "Give it 100%" haven't ever donated blood, have they?
p3035
aVIt really bugs me that OCD isn't alphabetized.
p3036
aVThe mail has became so slow that the seeds I ordered arrived in full bloom.
p3037
aVMy family's new television has parental control.\u000a\u000aI'm gonna use it to get my mom to make me a sandwich.
p3038
aVNote to thieves: Steal from a thug, chances are his PIN #s are one of three 4-letter swear words.
p3039
aVI watch pom. You misread that, didn't you?
p3040
aVModern Warfare 3: The ultimate form of birth control.
p3041
aVTEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?\u000a\u000aSIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
p3042
aVRecent Sperm Bank Review: "I love coming here"
p3043
aVGoing to mcdonalds for a Salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.
p3044
aVHalloween: the only day you can get away with killing someone and leaving them on the front porch.
p3045
aVWe went from playing doctor as kids to airport security as teenagers.
p3046
aVHumpty Dumpty died a crack head.
p3047
aVDeja Moo--Feeling like you've heard this Bull Crap before.
p3048
aVJust saw a blonde driving a smart car. I could make a joke out of this...
p3049
aVA thing to ponder: if the Pope uses the restroom, is it a holy crap?
p3050
aVMarriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
p3051
aVIf prisoners get arrested, where do they go?
p3052
aVJust ordered a load of bubble wrap off eBay today. Just to see what it gets delivered in.
p3053
aVCleavage - It's like the sun. It's okay to look, but dangerous to stare.
p3054
aVI think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Butt.
p3055
aVFunny Laws-Alaska: persons may not live in a trailer as it is being hiked across the city.
p3056
aVFunny Laws-Alaska: it is considered an offense to push a moose out of an airplane.
p3057
aVQ. Where do you find a one legged dog?\u000aA. Where you left it.
p3058
aVHelp keep America beautiful. Stay in your house!
p3059
aVVirginity is like a bubble, one prick and it's gone.
p3060
aVI never win at Scrable.
p3061
aVI'm sick of people lying to me. I asked three people what time it was and they all said something different.
p3062
aVThe only regret I would have if I died in my sleep was going to bed.
p3063
aVWhat is a common illness for Judge's to have? Motion sickness.
p3064
aVAre Pi shops open 22/7?
p3065
aVAll exorcism is: B(r)east Reduction
p3066
aVTork is screwed up.
p3067
aVTorc is screwed up.
p3068
aVThe technology of this weed-whacker is cutting hedge!
p3069
aVWomen shouldn't have children after thirty. Because, really, thirty children should be enough.
p3070
aVI dont know what all this planking business is about, I just know Snoopy started it.
p3071
aVWhere do women use the restroom? All I ever see on the bathroom signs are men and Scottish men.
p3072
aVGiraffes are the cockiest beings I've ever met, do you know how long it takes for them to swallow their pride?
p3073
aVI just want people to accept who I pretend I am
p3074
aVWhy are hurricanes names after women? Because at first they are wet and wild, then take your home and cars away.
p3075
aVI love you. I love other words, too.
p3076
aVJust past my English exam.
p3077
aVThe only plastic surgery I'll ever give my wife is cutting up her credit cards.
p3078
aVSuper Bowl: 30 second clips of men running in between commercials
p3079
aVAll trail mix is is deconstructed candy bars.
p3080
aVWomen say we men have it easy because we haven't experienced childbirth. How the heck do they think we got here?
p3081
aVMy girlfriend called me to break up with me because 'I don't understand the simplest concepts'--I said'Hang on, how'd you get in my phone?'
p3082
aVWord to the Women: It ain't the clothes that make you fat.
p3083
aVMy girlfriend left me cause she's sick of me "quoting her all the time"...
p3084
aVTired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.
p3085
aVMy smart phone doesnt work. I push home and I'm still at work.
p3086
aVI hate helping people. I think I'll get a job at Apple.
p3087
aVI'd rather  have a dry sense of humor than slobber everywhere .
p3088
aVWhen I was born I was so smart I got my parents to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day.
p3089
aVAuto-correct can kiss my big fat hairy ask!
p3090
aVI always go off topic in middle of the Mediterranean where I had a lovely time.
p3091
aVTwinkle twinkle little slut, close your legs you filthy mutt.
p3092
aVI say the right things, to the wrong people.
p3093
aVI live life like how I type. Fast with a lot of mistakes that I'm too lazy to fix.
p3094
aVI Have faith in fools. In my friends' cases, they call it self-confidence.
p3095
aVMaking another Facebook account with the name ' Nobody Actually ' to mess with people's heads when I like their statuses.
p3096
aVI think shooting for the stars is a waste of ammunition.
p3097
aVLife gets easier when youre part of the problem.
p3098
aVI fell in love at first sight...I probably should have looked twice.
p3099
aVI'm green. I use iPhone apps in my iPad to save pixels.
p3100
aVI'm always one step ahead of my girlfriend. When she dumped me, I told her the bags were already in the car.
p3101
aVI think my computer is female. She's always correcting my mistakes and telling me how to fix them.
p3102
aVAre there really rhetorical questions?
p3103
aVI was talking to my mate earlier when I thought to myself, "Why on earth are you called Earlier?"
p3104
aVI'm so proud of my hydration I don't even flush.
p3105
aVSince it's the thought that counts, I'll just keep thinking about getting that colonoscopy.
p3106
aVIgnoranus: an ignorant butthole.
p3107
aVRussian Roulette: You win some, you lose one.
p3108
aVWhen Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?
p3109
aVValentine's Day: the reason so many people are born in November.
p3110
aVI size zero considered 2D?
p3111
aVRetro Shopping: comparing prices after you have bought the item.
p3112
aVUnprotected sleep: sleeping without an alarm clock.
p3113
aVGrade Digger: the chick who only talks to me for help with her classes.
p3114
aVEnjoyed the wii-kend. Have I even blinked?
p3115
aVBarage: neighborhood garage transformed to look like a city bar.
p3116
aVWhat: A taunt used by gangsters.
p3117
aVEargasm: climax of ear's pleasure, usually when listening to music. "Dude! I totally just had an eargasm man!"
p3118
aVTextpectation: Anticipation of receiving a new text.
p3119
aVMain: what a guys number one girl is. He fails to tell her about the others.
p3120
aVPlaylistism: discrimination against people's choice of music.
p3121
aVEmaul: degrading someone via e-mail
p3122
aVSuper Bowl: The only show that makes me want to watch the commercials.
p3123
aVHo ho ho: Santa's cry, or three prostitutes.
p3124
aVE-void: the use of technology to avoid human contact.
p3125
aVTo celebrate the last Harry Potter movie, I am going to cut a scar in my forehead.
p3126
aVI'm not old, I'm a classic.
p3127
aVNaps prevent old age, especially when you take them while driving.
p3128
aVI have a leak in my pipe.. Dam it!
p3129
aVI finally got my sportscar. Got a mad gash between my eyes from a football!
p3130
aVLife is like a bubble bath. All fun and games till till you get some in your eye.
p3131
aVFlashole: Someone who flashes you with their brights even though yours aren't on.
p3132
aVGashole: A jerk who drives something that consumes a lot of gas.
p3133
aVParentnoia:Parentnoia is the irrational fear parents have that their children are doing something wrong, or being hurt in some way.
p3134
aVDo you think if I charged my phone less it would do the same?
p3135
aVIcescapee: The ice cube that ends up on the floor when you break a new tray of ice.
p3136
aVChevrolegs: The kind of vehicle you own when you can't afford a car. \u000a\u000aYour feet.
p3137
aVBody Spam: Unsolicited body contact.
p3138
aVego-fart: Flatulence forced from one's body in a pompous, self-satisfying manner, without regard to the consideration of others.
p3139
aVemail: Once an efficient and fast method of communication and message transferring, now a way of harassing Internet users with spam,
p3140
aVPeegret: Regretting not using the bathroom shortly after you leave a facility in which you were able to do so.
p3141
aVCongreenient: The practice of recycling, or being green, only when convenient. A person who only recycles when it is convenient to do so.
p3142
aVThe stall stall: In public bathrooms, the act of remaining in a bathroom stall after having completed one's business, to maintain anonymity
p3143
aVYouTube has drastically changed my attention span from about three hours to three minutes.
p3144
aVTanorexia: A disease like anorexia, no matter how tan a person is they never think they are tan enough.
p3145
aVDweet: (v) Tweeting while intoxocated.
p3146
aVThanksgiving: Another excuse for Americans to eat all day.
p3147
aVGeek: The people you pick on in high school and work for after.
p3148
aVNERD: One whose IQ exceeds their weight.
p3149
aVTwitter Bang: Hooking up with someone in less than 140 characters.
p3150
aVHahaha: Used when "haha" just isn't funny enough.
p3151
aVHangry: So hungry by the lack of food you become angry.
p3152
aVLove: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.
p3153
aVUnbrella: An umbrella which has no further use, as when a force of wind turns it inside-out
p3154
aVHeadline: Suicidal twin accidentally kills sister
p3155
aVMicrowave Mentality:\u000aHaving the attitude that if something can't be done in 5 minutes or less, it's not worth doing.
p3156
aVProductive Procrastination: The act of keeping busy with things that don't need to be done.
p3157
aVBisexual: The ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.
p3158
aVEngayed: The term used when two gays are engaged or want to become married.
p3159
aVImmature: What one redneck says to another when he wants his chair back.\u000a"Hey, you done sat immature and I be wanting it back."
p3160
aVEveryone has weird neighbors. If you don't, you're the weird neighbors.
p3161
aVWhy did we name our planet after dirt?
p3162
aVWhy do so many people on Facebook take pictures of their mirrors?
p3163
aVLoves the time of year when things that blow up are legal.
p3164
aVI rate myself 9.84520137453850162 out of 10 for accuracy.
p3165
aVSorry followers for being gone--Sorry I look so beat up. But, you see, the economy bounced back and I was standing in the way.
p3166
aVToday I took a class on castration It was all neuter me
p3167
aV"I feel depressed, lol"
p3168
aVFishes miss a lot of calls. They always seem to be stuck on a line.
p3169
aVI am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
p3170
aVIf you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
p3171
aVIn Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
p3172
aVI took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
p3173
aVWe could learn alot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us...
p3174
aVI can't believe Pretzels are knot bread.
p3175
aVI won 'BSer of the year' but no one believed me.
p3176
aVYour girlfriend is rated E: for everyone.
p3177
aVFYI: Condoms are cheaper than diapers.
p3178
aVMarriage: Assisted Suicide.
p3179
aVPsychology - the art of pulling a habit out of a rat.
p3180
aVHere\u2019s to being single \u2013 drinking doubles \u2013 and seeing triple!
p3181
aVONN: Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner for Republican Presidential Nomination. "NoBama!"
p3182
aVAmbetextrous: able to text with both hands.
p3183
aVThere's a lot of fish in the sea. Might as well catch a few, gut them, and throw them back in.
p3184
aVWhen I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
p3185
aVMen are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don\u2019t generate a lot of interest.
p3186
aVI have a drinking problem. If Jake has 5 beers and Dan has 4\u2026
p3187
aVeath is nature\u2019s way of saying, Your table\u2019s ready.
p3188
aVOne reason I don\u2019t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
p3189
aVWise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.
p3190
aVIf I had a dollar for every time someone called my ex wife ugly...\u000aI would have stayed with her for the money.
p3191
aVWhy are Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home?
p3192
aVLet us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
p3193
aVThe beauty about telling the truth is you never have to remember anything.
p3194
aVMy wife let's me show her who's boss every once in awhile.
p3195
aVMental Note: Actual notes work better.
p3196
aVHave you seen the price of velcro? It's a ripoff!
p3197
aVDon\u2019t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.\u005c
p3198
aVWithout geography, you're nowhere.
p3199
aVMarriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience
p3200
aVMy answering machine: Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep.
p3201
aVSo you know that phenomenon in 1990 that 150 sheep fell off a cliff? Well that's "unherd" of.
p3202
aVGiving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.
p3203
aVThe difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
p3204
aVI must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
p3205
aVThe Truth: S(he) be(lie)ve(d).
p3206
aVMarriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
p3207
aVDrive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
p3208
aVThat would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
p3209
aVRadioactive halibut will make fission chips.
p3210
aVI used to be schizophrenic, but we\u2019re all right now.
p3211
aVHave no kids? \u000aHire a babysitter anyway, \u000asay kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. Return home and ask where your child is.
p3212
aVI find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
p3213
aVIf a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would look just as it does now.
p3214
aVI bought a waterbed in hopes that me and my girlfriend would eventually drift away.
p3215
aV* \u201cThe reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.\u201d
p3216
aV* It might look like I\u2019m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I\u2019m really quite busy.
p3217
aVSign posted in a bathroom: We aim to please! You aim too! Please!
p3218
aV"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."
p3219
aVRoses are red; violets are blue; God made me pretty; what happened to you?
p3220
aV\u201cA bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."
p3221
aV46\u3001 I discovered I scream the same way whether I\u2019m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
p3222
aV43\u3001The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
p3223
aV35\u3001A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don\u2019t need it.
p3224
aV31\u3001I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with \u201cGuess\u201d on it\u2026so I said \u201cImplants?\u201d
p3225
aV27\u3001A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
p3226
aV21\u3001How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
p3227
aV20\u3001Evening news is where they begin with \u2018Good evening\u2019, and then proceed to tell you why it isn\u2019t.
p3228
aVA fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
p3229
aV* Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
p3230
aV* A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
p3231
aVThe future isn\u2019t what it used to be.
p3232
aVHe's not dead\u2026 he's electroencephalographically challenged.
p3233
aVNever, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
p3234
aVNow that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
p3235
aVIf you think about it long enough, you\u2019ll see that it\u2019s obvious.
p3236
aVCleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing
p3237
aVToo bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxi cabs or cutting hair.
p3238
aVThere are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
p3239
aVRight after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend asked me how to change her relationship status on Facebook.
p3240
aVMy girlfriend thinks I have a gambling addiction. She hasn't said anything, but I bet that's what she's thinking.
p3241
aVI'm 100% against animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.
p3242
aVSpring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush
p3243
aVPeople in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
p3244
aVWhen at wal mart: tell manager over intercom to find your lost friend mike hunt
p3245
aVExperience is what you get when you don\u2019t get what you want.
p3246
aVAccording to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
p3247
aVThe trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
p3248
aVI hope I never meet the girl of my dreams. Cause she'll be wanting some weird stuff.
p3249
aVToo many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.
p3250
aVDo you think last night was the world record for intercourse?
p3251
aVI have a very open mind, people tell me they can feel a breeze when they sit next to me.
p3252
aVWhen I thought I found my groove, it turned out it was only a rut.
p3253
aVI always play fair when I make the rules.
p3254
aVIf you can\u2019t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
p3255
aVIf swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
p3256
aVPlease show your support of dyslexics and TR this.
p3257
aVI am yet to bite a moose that tastes like chocolate.
p3258
aVKinstipation: the painful inability to get visiting relatives out.
p3259
aVI'm so great, I'm jealous of myself.
p3260
aVHealth advice: the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. Guaranteed.
p3261
aVDear IRS, please cancel my subscription.
p3262
aVIf at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
p3263
aVI always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
p3264
aVMy girlfriend is piñata. I dont think things are gonna work out cause guys keep hitting on her.
p3265
aVThe good news is that I dethatched the lawn. The bad news is thats all the lawn is made of.
p3266
aVI have a button on my microwave that says "stop time". I assume it means the timer but I don't touch it, just in case.
p3267
aVAt least the garbage disposal eats what I cook.
p3268
aVI have a gift. Every time I approach something With wings, it flies away. It happens with women, too.
p3269
aVOpportunity once knocked..but you don't want to know what it left.
p3270
aVA cop pulled me over today and said: "papers".. so i said: "scissors, I win!"
p3271
aVThis place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
p3272
aVA birdie told me I'm getting better at golf.
p3273
aVCan I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
p3274
aVStress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
p3275
aVI have no taste in women, but beside that fact, I like you.
p3276
aVJust bought a new 4D TV, it comes with integration of heat,cold,wet, wind, and different aromas. It's 6' by 4'. Its called a window.
p3277
aVTried to look up blurry in the dictionary, but it wasn't very clear.
p3278
aVFat is just another word for flavor.
p3279
aVI don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
p3280
aVI'm unstoppable, I just can't seem to get started.
p3281
aVIs waiting for the istore to come up with a dollar menu.
p3282
aVI'm fed up with my boss for forcing me to stand on one leg every single day. Tomorrow I'm putting my foot down.
p3283
aVIt's hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is.
p3284
aVEvery time I see you I think about how much of a waste that 100 million years was.
p3285
aVlLimiting the freedom of news 'just a little bit' is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.
p3286
aVWhat do you say if a shooting range catches on fire?
p3287
aVWhat do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A visitor.
p3288
aV1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ... The 5 stages of buying gasoline.
p3289
aVlI fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.
p3290
aVlAssassins Inc. We aim to please.
p3291
aVI put the toilet seat down as a gift to my mom.
p3292
aVI'll be a great mother some day.\u000a-Dude on the street
p3293
aVlMy parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods.
p3294
aVFilled up his gas tank for only $48. It was just enough to finish mowing my front lawn:
p3295
aVlDon't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
p3296
aVlI was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.
p3297
aVlSending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).
p3298
aVWhen I go big-game hunting, my weapon of choice is the remote.
p3299
aVIf I was a pig, I'd get a tattoo of a coin slot on my back.
p3300
aVlYou can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.
p3301
aVLOL=lacking of literacy
p3302
aVIf there's one thing I can't comprehend, it's common sense.
p3303
aVTravel tip: don't pack for the weather you want.
p3304
aVI was so poor when I grew up, I bought Popsicle sticks and just pretended like I was having a special treat.
p3305
aVMay the 4th be with you.
p3306
aVI have high standards, but low expectations.
p3307
aVWhat does it mean if someone gives me half a peace sign?
p3308
aVMy toilet is full of it. He's always loaded with crap.
p3309
aVIf Bin laden had a $25 million price tag on his head, I can't help but wonder what kind of turban he was wearing.
p3310
aVOsama's last tweet: "I didn't know Twitter could enable your location, this may be a problem"
p3311
aVIt's May Day, but I don't see any sinking ships.
p3312
aVWanna lose weight? Buy super glue and get rid of that big mouth of yours!
p3313
aVlPeople are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.
p3314
aVlThe funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it.
p3315
aVI only watched the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
p3316
aVSome mistakes are just too much to do only once.
p3317
aVWhat a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.
p3318
aVlGet plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.
p3319
aVThere's a gas pump icon on my car's dash that notifies me whenever my bank account is almost empty.
p3320
aVIf you wanna make someone mad, lie. If you really wanna piss 'em off, tell the truth.
p3321
aVLooking forward to the day when my to-do list becomes my ta-da! list.
p3322
aVI'm apathetic, but I don't care.
p3323
aVDoes the unknown, but I'm not sure, I've never heard it before.
p3324
aVIt takes 26 muscles to smile and 62 muscles to frown, so don't ever say that I don't go out of my way for you.
p3325
aVI have never understood this whole Easter egg thing, Rabbits are mammals, aren't they? Happy Easter!
p3326
aVlDon't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
p3327
aVA good friend is worth pursuing. But why would a good friend be running away from me?
p3328
aVMy son is allergic to peanuts. He breaks out in a rash every time I bring home my paycheck.
p3329
aVYou know your out of shape when you get exhausted trying to get a gym membership.
p3330
aVTo err is human, to forgive is divine. \u000aIn other words, the forgiving is somebody else's job.
p3331
aVlShould vegetarians eat animal crackers?
p3332
aVHow to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.
p3333
aVlSmile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
p3334
aVlJoin the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
p3335
aVI always wonder, "how do they know where I live?" when movie commercials say"coming to a cinema near you".
p3336
aVPlease don't interupt me while im ignoring you.
p3337
aVI am launching a new anti-social network called Get Out Of My Face Book.
p3338
aVlEarth is the insane asylum for the universe
p3339
aVMy dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.
p3340
aV@doctormoose6 you've left?
p3341
aVLife is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.
p3342
aVDo gay people say, "That's so straight?"
p3343
aVI decided to be depressed today, just for fun.
p3344
aVlA paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
p3345
aVThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
p3346
aVRebecca Black's Friday: a heartwarming song about a mentally retarded girl learning her days of the week.
p3347
aVlI'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
p3348
aVlAre you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think we've got a problem.
p3349
aVlThose of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
p3350
aVDating bridge builders will lead to truss issues.
p3351
aVIt takes me three tries to get it right on the first attempt.
p3352
aV\u201cAdvice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.\u201d
p3353
aVWho says Divine people dont have a sense of humor, they made me didn't they?
p3354
aVI once had an Internet girlfriend, but things just didn't click.
p3355
aV"I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it."
p3356
aVIt's been a really bad day for me. Firstly, my girlfriend got run over by a bus.Then, I lost my job at the bus company.
p3357
aVA good politician knows how to explain what is going to happen in the future, and then why it didn't happen.
p3358
aVThe only thing Facebook is good for is saving me money on birthday cards.
p3359
aVUrinals need some anger management, they are always pissed.
p3360
aVIf I was a burglar, I would take a shower after every burglary. I want to be sure to get a clean getaway.
p3361
aVIt's good for a man to have a woman that cleans, cooks, and makes you laugh. It's also good If these women do not know each other.
p3362
aVIf you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
p3363
aVI got in the car with my drug dealer the other day. He drove around slowly for a while, before picking up speed.
p3364
aVIf flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
p3365
aV"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
p3366
aVGoing to church doesn't make you any more Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
p3367
aVI like Deja vus because I know what to do next
p3368
aVThere's a fine line between holding hands and keeping her from shopping.
p3369
aVMinimum wage is for maximum losers.
p3370
aVMy room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.
p3371
aVMy play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
p3372
aVIf any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
p3373
aVMonotheism is a gift from the gods.
p3374
aVOf course I can keep secrets. It\u2019s the people I tell them to that can\u2019t keep them.
p3375
aVThe Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
p3376
aVAn optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!"
p3377
aVAn Irishman is never at peace except when he\u2019s fighting.
p3378
aVI'm a perfectipnist.
p3379
aVWe live in the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.
p3380
aVMoney isnt happiness. Spending it is!
p3381
aVMoney isn't everything. You're credit is, however.
p3382
aVI have an on again off again relationship with clothing.
p3383
aVI\u2019m proud of my humility.
p3384
aVIrony: working for an aluminum company and getting canned.
p3385
aVMy agent told me to give it a couple years, but he'd make me an overnight success.
p3386
aVI once got asked if I knew the difference between ignorance and apathy. I told them I didn't know, and didn't care.
p3387
aVWhy'd I spend all my childhood trying to save peach? She already has a man.
p3388
aVIt's annoying when fat people say obesity "runs" in their family when clearly, nothing does.
p3389
aVWhen we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
p3390
aVThe problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer.
p3391
aVYou can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane.
p3392
aVI've made a product that increases the size of your basement. I hope it'll be a big cellar.
p3393
aVA lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
p3394
aVThe only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
p3395
aVProcrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
p3396
aVI tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn't get it.
p3397
aVRenamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.
p3398
aVOlder people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
p3399
aVI won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia.
p3400
aVMountain climbers are curious types. They always want to take another peak.
p3401
aVMy 'Aha!' moments are other people's 'duh' moments.
p3402
aVWhat do hippies do if the trees hug back?
p3403
aVYou know why they call them potato chips? (hint: omit the "c")
p3404
aVThe lemming oath: "Repeat after me."
p3405
aVAll medicines have one side effect in common: Reduction in disposable income.
p3406
aVI get a headache thinking past 140 characters.
p3407
aVWhy are pilots so great at 'landing' jobs?
p3408
aVI've just started dating a librarian. She's a (book)keeper.
p3409
aVIf you sing while playing Throwing a ball during baseball, will you have a good pitch?
p3410
aVDo you know what's coming back in style? Boomerangs.
p3411
aVI don't really balance my checking account so much as capsize it.
p3412
aVPut a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.
p3413
aVI\u2019m an optimistic pessimist\u2026 I look forward to the worst.
p3414
aVWhy was the cold tap turned on?Because the other tap was so hot!
p3415
aVpirate walks into a bar and barman says" you have a steering wheel In your pants"the pirate said:Argh and it's been driving me nuts all day
p3416
aVIf you're arrested on April Fool's Day, they should give you more than one phone call.
p3417
aVMy grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where she is.
p3418
aVI married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
p3419
aVMy fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
p3420
aVMy math teacher asked me: "Do you understand inequalities?" I replied: "More or less."
p3421
aVMoney won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
p3422
aVIn Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
p3423
aVIf love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
p3424
aVI'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
p3425
aVI like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
p3426
aVWife looks in mirror& says: "I look horrible, fat& ugly. Please say something nice about me." Husband: "Your eyesight is perfect..."
p3427
aVI knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
p3428
aVIt just doesn't seem right to write your autobiography before your dead.
p3429
aVDear microwave, Why are your minutes so much longer than normal ones? Sincerely, super hungry me.
p3430
aVI bet You I can stop gambling.
p3431
aVMy dog is talented, he taught himself to say his own name. Woof.
p3432
aVCalifornia is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
p3433
aVAs a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
p3434
aVIf you're not patient, you'll become one.
p3435
aVThe best housewarming gift is fire.
p3436
aVFor just $10 a month, You can reduce your annual salary by $120.
p3437
aVThe worst job for a procrastinator? Ice sculpting.
p3438
aVToday, I decided to see the good in everyone I meet. And to make sure I could do it, I didn't leave the house.
p3439
aV\u2752Taken \u2752Single \u2714Addicted to Twitter
p3440
aVWhen a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about.
p3441
aVI keep drinking six-packs, but my abs aren't getting anymore ripped.
p3442
aVI am the most pleasant person you'll ever meet. Until you wake me.
p3443
aVI saw this quote and I thought it was funny, "always remember me."-anonymous
p3444
aVA lesbian is just another woman trying to do a man's job.
p3445
aVWho ever says "words can't hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.
p3446
aVAnger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
p3447
aVI'm not saying she's fat... I'm saying if I had to think of the five fattest people I know shed be three of them.
p3448
aVHopped on the bus this morning, people were looking at me funny, so I decided to get in and sit down.
p3449
aVMy bank balance is sick, I hope it gets better soon!
p3450
aVDaniel keep going, count is only at 40.
p3451
aVUnicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos
p3452
aVIt has been such a long time since I've thought longer than 140 characters.
p3453
aVLearn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
p3454
aVI exercise constantly. I am always running late.
p3455
aVGuests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
p3456
aVMy parents used to be happy when I took naps..now they think I'm lazy.
p3457
aVIs there rollover Madness that I can use in April?
p3458
aVThere are more men than women in mental hospitals, which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.
p3459
aVWhen someone says. "It tastes like crap." ....how do they know?
p3460
aVThere's a fine line between being a tattle-tale And saving your own butt.
p3461
aVPeople talk about you. If they're not talking about you then you're boring.
p3462
aVIf you fall once, get up. If you fall twice, get up. If you fall for the third time, tie your shoelaces already.
p3463
aVEarly to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
p3464
aVA poor surgeon hurts 1 person at a time. A poor teacher hurts 130.
p3465
aVI like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
p3466
aVAmateurs wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work.
p3467
aVVampires can't see themselves in a mirror, so how come their hair is always so perfect?
p3468
aVThe main thing I learned in high school was how to text without being caught.
p3469
aVDream big! Nap often.
p3470
aVPOLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
p3471
aVWe had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
p3472
aVUntil I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
p3473
aVI am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
p3474
aVSome cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
p3475
aVTwo wrongs make a riot.
p3476
aV"Money doesn't buy happiness." That phrase should end in just kidding.
p3477
aVI cannot afford to waste my time making money
p3478
aVThe only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.
p3479
aVIf you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
p3480
aVIf your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
p3481
aVMan invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
p3482
aVI'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
p3483
aVAn egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
p3484
aVMen don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
p3485
aVI\u2019m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I\u2019m not dumb. I also know I\u2019m not blonde - Dolly Parton
p3486
aVA diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman\u2019s birthday but never remembers her age.
p3487
aVMiddle age is when you\u2019ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
p3488
aVI was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
p3489
aV"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."
p3490
aV"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
p3491
aV"I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as heck."
p3492
aV"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
p3493
aV"The average person thinks he isn\u2019t."
p3494
aVI went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went  -  and I got it.
p3495
aVI'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
p3496
aVYou see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
p3497
aVMy mother told me there were some cuties in the fridge. I got all excited, ran to the fridge and opened the door. But all I saw were oranges
p3498
aVFour fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
p3499
aVWhoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
p3500
aVOnly two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.One is to let her think she is having her own way,and the other is to let her have it
p3501
aVThe other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
p3502
aVA priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
p3503
aVI went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
p3504
aVA signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
p3505
aVBefore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. So when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
p3506
aVI wonder if calendar business will go bankrupt in 2012.
p3507
aVA prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
p3508
aVHe's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he's miserable and depressed.
p3509
aVThe surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
p3510
aVEagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
p3511
aVAll my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.
p3512
aVWhat day do penguins hate most? Casual Fridays
p3513
aVThe four most crucial words of mankind: righty-tighty, lefty-loosy
p3514
aVA compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
p3515
aVSay what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
p3516
aVA celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
p3517
aVWe do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.
p3518
aVLaughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.
p3519
aVIrony: The Bible is the best-selling book in the world, with more than 50 copies a minute, but also the most shoplifted book.
p3520
aVSeven days without laughter makes one weak.
p3521
aVLaugh! When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other.
p3522
aVEven if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.
p3523
aVYou laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same
p3524
aVHere's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance.
p3525
aVWhen a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
p3526
aVMy new years resolution is not to procrastinate.....oh, shoot!
p3527
aVMy girlfriend thinks I'm too nosy, well she didn't say it, but I read it in her diary.
p3528
aVMy girlfriend says I'm clueless. I haven't an idea what she is talking about.
p3529
aVUntil I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
p3530
aVInstead of getting married again,\u000aI'm going to find a woman\u000aI don't like and just give her a house.
p3531
aVIf Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw Hamburgers?
p3532
aVWant a girl to fall in love with you? Use a thesaurus for a replacement of those lane words like cute and beautiful . It's working for me!
p3533
aVWhat is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?\u000a\u000aSome traffic signs say stop.
p3534
aVValentines is 3 days away. You still have time to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend before it's too late!
p3535
aVWhen I was born I was so surprised I didn\u2019t talk for a year and a half.
p3536
aVTime and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
p3537
aVBirthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
p3538
aVIt is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
p3539
aVterrorists took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage.\u000aThey threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
p3540
aVJunk is something you\u2019ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
p3541
aVA lifelong friend is someone you haven\u2019t borrowed money from yet.
p3542
aVIf you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
p3543
aVEvery guy gets a crush on his teacher. It's normal. But wasn't Oedipus homeschooled?
p3544
aVOne reason I don\u2019t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
p3545
aVMarriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
p3546
aVA synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
p3547
aVI generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
p3548
aVI think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.
p3549
aVA diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
p3550
aVThe things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
p3551
aVIf you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
p3552
aVJoin The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
p3553
aVWhy do old men have such bad language? They do "cross" words.
p3554
aVI would rather kill myself than commit suicide.
p3555
aVA blonde is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men die in an accident. She cries and says, "Oh my gosh, how many is a brazilian?"
p3556
aVAnd then J.K. Rowling wrote, "And Harry woke up from his long, long dream"
p3557
aVA blonde walks to her mailbox-nothing. Comes out again-nothing. Neighbor says-Whats wrong? Blonde-My laptop keeps saying,"You've got mail!"
p3558
aVTwo blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying and headed home.
p3559
aVAsian parents: *Your report card comes home* YOU GOT C?! WHY YOU GET C?! YOU NO C-SIAN, YOU NO B-SIAN, YOU A-SIAN!
p3560
aVBleach and latex gloves:$10. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape:$ 20...Chainsaw:$200 The Horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!
p3561
aV"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.\u201d
p3562
aV\u201cThe object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.\u201d
p3563
aV"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything."
p3564
aVWhat do you say if Satan sneezes?
p3565
aVA comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
p3566
aVLatest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
p3567
aVWho said nothing is impossible, i have been here doing nothing for the last hour.
p3568
aVIf the world is a stage, I want to be the one operating the trap door.
p3569
aVlast night i played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts!
p3570
aVBefore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.that way, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
p3571
aVNever take life to seriously... your not getting out of it alive
p3572
aVFor all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. #idontwanttobeold
p3573
aVDrive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
p3574
aVLast night I layed in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself... Where's the roof gone?
p3575
aVWhoever said nothing was impossible never tryed slamming a revolving door.
p3576
aVA Pessimist is just an Optimist with previous experience.
p3577
aVFact of life: after Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F.
p3578
aVThose who criticise our generation seem to forget who raised it.
p3579
aVChildren in the backseat cause accidents, Accidents in the backseat cause children.
p3580
aVSome Idiots says, "Behind every successful man, there is a woman" But nobody knows the fact "Women go only behind the successful men".
p3581
aVI threw caution into the wind, but the wind was blowing straight back at me.
p3582
aVA gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
p3583
aVI think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
p3584
aVI would love to have a battle of witts with you, but it seems that you have come unarmed.
p3585
aVI don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. ----Katherine Hepburn
p3586
aVMen kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
p3587
aVOptimists think the glass is half full. Pessimists think the glass is half empty. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass.
p3588
aVConfidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.
p3589
aVI don't think I could stab anyone. I can barely put my straw through my Capri-Sun.
p3590
aVMan has his will, but woman has her way.
p3591
aVI\u2019d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
p3592
aVJoin The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
p3593
aVAn optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'
p3594
aVIf you break your legs, don't come running to me.
p3595
aVClick the 'Start' button to Shut Down the computer.
p3596
aVIt isn't an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
p3597
aVJust bought a 12-ounce pound cake. How does That work?!
p3598
aVYou'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.\u000aDolly Parton
p3599
aVWhy is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
p3600
aVWhy do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
p3601
aVWhy do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don't have any?
p3602
aVWhy are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
p3603
aVWhat do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?
p3604
aVWhat do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
p3605
aVIs it OK to use my AM radio after noon?
p3606
aVIf the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
p3607
aVDo they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
p3608
aVFailure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try.
p3609
aVStupidity's cause hasn't been advanced much by its many martyrs
p3610
aVMake love not war - or marry and do both.
p3611
aVThe probability of someone watching you is directly related to the stupidity of your actions.
p3612
aVPrepositions are not words to end sentences with.
p3613
aVHalf of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
p3614
aVThe statement below is true. The statement above is false.
p3615
aVThe best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
p3616
aVDid you hear that Johnny's left side was chopped off? It turned out that he was "alright!"
p3617
aVIt is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. --
p3618
aVI'm proud of my humility.
p3619
aVI hate cliches because "They're a dime a dozen".
p3620
aVBad becomes good when worse happens.
p3621
aVA woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. 'Just lost a shoe?' she asked. He answered, 'Nope, just found one'.
p3622
aVI am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.
p3623
aVIf it's a Classified Ad, Why is it publicly published?
p3624
aVI am busy doing nothing.
p3625
aV\u200eIf you want to get something done, give it to a busy man.
p3626
aVMartin Luther King Day: A day for all us white people to be embarrassed by our ancestors.
p3627
aVNot only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
p3628
aVLife is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?
p3629
aVReality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
p3630
aVI have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
p3631
aVGrammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
p3632
aVI am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
p3633
aVI always wanted to be a procrastinator! But I've never actually gotten around to doing it.
p3634
aVExaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
p3635
aVAvoid alliteration...always.
p3636
aVI'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
p3637
aVEvil isn't all bad.
p3638
aVPerspective is in the eye of the beholder.
p3639
aVWhat is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
p3640
aVIs super para...gah! What was that??
p3641
aVThe world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
p3642
aVWhat did the fly order at the restaurant? A number 2.
p3643
aVIf there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
p3644
aVThere's no such thing as nonexistence.
p3645
aVI am making it my job to put the "fun" back into "funeral."
p3646
aVCome to Myspace and Twitter my Yahoo \u000aTil' I Google all over your Facebook.
p3647
aVQ: What do you do when an Antartian throws a pin at you?\u000aA: Run, because the grenade is in her mouth!!
p3648
aV\u201cIs your new horse well-behaved Charles?\u201d\u000a\u201cOh, yes Phil. When we come to a fence, he stops and lets me go over first.\u201d
p3649
aV\u201cHave you got any kittens going cheap?\u201d Asked a customer in a pet shop.\u000a\u201cNo, sir,\u201d replied the owner. \u201cAll our kittens go \u201cMeow.
p3650
aVDid you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? \u000aThe wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!
p3651
aVWhy was the student's report card wet?\u000aBecause his grades were below C-Level.
p3652
aVIf you can\u2019t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.
p3653
aVWhat did the necktie say to the hat?\u000aYou go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
p3654
aVWhat has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?\u000aA piano.
p3655
aVWhat can you hold without ever touching it?\u000aA conversation.
p3656
aVHow can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.
p3657
aVThe kids next Door have challenged me to a water fight. I'm updating twitter while I wait for the kettle to boil.
p3658
aVgrandpa always said,"Don't watch money; watch your health. So one day when I was watching my health, someone took my money.It was my grandpa
p3659
aVMother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" \u000aGirl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
p3660
aVA: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. \u000aB: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
p3661
aVTeacher: Did you father help your with your homework? \u000aStudent: No, he did it all by himself.
p3662
aVI get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
p3663
aVDid you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? \u000a"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
p3664
aVPeople make a resolution to lose weight.  I make a resolution to not take photos of myself. Problem solved.
p3665
aVMarriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
p3666
aVIt's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
p3667
aVWhen I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
p3668
aVI tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
p3669
aVWhat is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women
p3670
aVI think that to counteract shoplifting, stores have rigged their scanners to automatically mark up the price that was on the shelf.
p3671
aVDo you know what my favorite machine to work in the Gym is? The vending machine.
p3672
aVThe best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
p3673
aVIf you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
p3674
aVThe paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
p3675
aVFrustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
p3676
aVI stink. I haven't showered since last year. #happynewyears
p3677
aVSnow blows. That's why they invented something to literalize that.
p3678
aVMy parents told me they didn't have children. Are you as confused as I am?
p3679
aVLaugh at yourself. You'll never cease to be amused.
p3680
aVNever throw dirt when you're at war; you'll lose your ground.
p3681
aVIf you die in an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.
p3682
aVGive a man a fire, and he is warm for the rest of the day. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.
p3683
aVTake my advice; I don't use it anyway.
p3684
aVMy friend came and asked me why I had two quarters in my ear. I said," I'm listening to 50 cent"
p3685
aVI am going to see if money really is happiness. I am now taking donations.
p3686
aVWar determines who is left, not who is right.
p3687
aVWhat is a Woman's favorite book? A checkbook.
p3688
aVWhat are two things you can never have for Breakfast? Lunch and Dinner.
p3689
aVWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than letting him keep her.
p3690
aVWhy do rooms filled with married people always seem so empty? Because there's not a single person in there. #marriage
p3691
aVWhat do short people like to drive? A mini-van #joke
p3692
aVWhy do barbers become good drivers? They know all the short cuts.
p3693
aVThings to do in an elevator: alone with another person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you
p3694
aVI've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
p3695
aVI wasn't stealing, officer, in just wasn't shopping traditionally.
p3696
aVRAP: Retards Attempting Poetry
p3697
aVSlept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
p3698
aVI went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
p3699
aVPolice arrested two kids yesterday,one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
p3700
aVThe funniest joke in the world isn't recorded. Every time someones tries to write it down, they die of laughter.
p3701
aVGuilt: a blanket of your own regrets.
p3702
aVDear kids, those presents were not from Santa, they were from your parents. Sorry to disappoint.
p3703
aVHallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
p3704
aVBest pickup line ever:\u000aDoes this rag smell like chloroform to you?
p3705
aV62	\u000aHospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.\u000a19522523571
p3706
aVGrandma opens a present with a pair of earrings and grandpa leans over and says,"what are those, fish hooks?"
p3707
aVI am afraid of Santa-- I must be claustrophobic
p3708
aVWe never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
p3709
aVSo what happens if Big bird gets bankrupt and has a foreclosure? I mean.. He already lives on the street..
p3710
aVGoing to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
p3711
aVQ: how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\u000aA: wanna go ride a bikes???
p3712
aVMy grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don\u2019t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
p3713
aVI would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.
p3714
aVI have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
p3715
aVI went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
p3716
aVI bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...
p3717
aVI was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"
p3718
aVanimal behavior can warn you when something is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our  dog took the car and drove off
p3719
aVChina has a population of a billion people. That means if you\u2019re a one in a million, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
p3720
aVA guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
p3721
aVKnock! Knock!\u000aWho's there?\u000aAch.\u000aAch who?\u000aBless you.
p3722
aVKnock! Knock! \u000aWho's there?\u000aRobin.\u000aRobin Who?\u000aRobin you so hand it over.
p3723
aVQuitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
p3724
aVIn my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
p3725
aVIncome tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
p3726
aVI'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
p3727
aVI'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
p3728
aVI don't believe in the afterlife, but I Brang a pair of clothes, just in case.
p3729
aVI don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party when I see one.
p3730
aVGood judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
p3731
aVDon't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
p3732
aVDon't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. #itstrueladies
p3733
aVCommunism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
p3734
aVAnything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
p3735
aVA banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
p3736
aVThank goodness for electricity. Without it, we'd all be watching tv by candlelight.
p3737
aVSanta has the right idea.. Visit people once a year.
p3738
aVYoung men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
p3739
aVMore money is not more happiness. Cause I was just as happy at 40 million as I am now with 42 million
p3740
aVNever go to a doctors whose office plants have died.
p3741
aVWomen are meant to be loved, not understood.
p3742
aVIf you are going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it the way it is.
p3743
aVI slept in the kitchen last night. Why? Because I wanted breakfast in bed.
p3744
aVIf needing some personal room, join NASA, they'll give you plenty of space.
p3745
aVI may walk slowly, but unlike you, I never walk back.
p3746
aVI didnt lose, I just ran out of time to win.
p3747
aVDrive carefully. 90% of people are accidents.
p3748
aVDepression: Anger without enthusiasm
p3749
aVI'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
p3750
aVI hung a foot with bullet shells on the extremities on my doorway.  I called it "missile-toe"
p3751
aVThe secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
p3752
aVSometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
p3753
aVYou know what is a "diet" is, don't you? It's "die" with a "t," that's what it is! -
p3754
aVProcrastination is like a credit card; it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
p3755
aVA black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
p3756
aVWhen a man gives his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
p3757
aVWhy don't atheists ever become mathematicians? They don't believe in higher powers.
p3758
aVI think...therefore, I'm single.
p3759
aVI don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who's mad at me for saying that.
p3760
aVBehind every successful man, there's a surprised woman.
p3761
aVI'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
p3762
aV9 in 10 people love chocolate. And the 10th person is a liar.
p3763
aVAn apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.
p3764
aVGirls fall for me, because I trip them.
p3765
aVMy mind is like lightning. Once I have an idea, it's brilliant, extraordinary, and lasts a fraction of a second.
p3766
aVDigging a girl.. With a shovel.
p3767
aVMy friend said I spent too much time in the fantasy world. His words blew me off my dragon.
p3768
aVIt is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.
p3769
aVMy reality check bounced.
p3770
aVThereS only one problem with my mid life crisis. I'm 16.
p3771
aVThe only reason why the postal service is still around is letters to Santa.
p3772
aVI have a pet peeve about hearing other's pet peeves.
p3773
aVGirl: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.\u000aBoy: If you were my wife I\u2019d drink it.
p3774
aVWho needs rhetorical questions?
p3775
aVI did not fall flat on my face. I was testing gravity, and just so you know, it still works.
p3776
aVDo you want to know how to make an idiot wait? I will tell you later.
p3777
aVYour intelligence is my common sense.
p3778
aVClones are people two.
p3779
aVAtheism is a non-prophet organization.
p3780
aVLOL has gone from laugh out loud to there's nothing left to say.
p3781
aVjust tweeted that your a twit.
p3782
aVI think men would be extinct if women didn't have chocolate available.
p3783
aVWhy don't autobiographies ever end in someone writing a book?
p3784
aVI want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
p3785
aVAmong men, length of marriage correlates positively with hair loss.
p3786
aVSomeone who eats their own food is a good cook, someone who laughs at their own jokes, is not funny.
p3787
aVKnowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
p3788
aVI've been in love with the same woman for years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
p3789
aVIf someone's addicted to rehab, then what?
p3790
aVYeah, you can't judge a book by it's cover. But if the cover isn't appealing, I ain't reading it.
p3791
aVMy 9-year-old sister just got a bank account. That just mean wr are out of the recession..right?
p3792
aVAre comedians funny or did they just never grow up?
p3793
aVThe car mechanic handed the bill to the man and said," think of it this way, you came in with a junky car and came out with an expensive one
p3794
aVChilean miners considered how funny it would be if they all died as soon as they finished the rescue tunnel
p3795
aVCollege is just high school with more expensive books.
p3796
aVGood girls Arent good. They just haven't gone bad yet.
p3797
aVGuy 1: look what I found? A needle in a haystack.\u000aGuy 2: I can beat that, I found a job.\u000aGuy 1: oooh, you win.
p3798
aVI love the looks people give me when I garden with no hoes.. Oh I mean shoes
p3799
aVScariest part of Halloween? Giving away all your candy.
p3800
aVWife to husband: " our neighbor is wondering if he could borrow his mower"
p3801
aVTo do:cancel fishing trip, practice putting toilet seat down, teach wife how to check browser history------in your dreams, ladies.
p3802
aVHelp wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.
p3803
aVWhy do people want dollars to grow on trees? They're made from trees people.
p3804
aVIs there such thing as a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
p3805
aVLaughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
p3806
aVIf you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
p3807
aVIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
p3808
aVI don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
p3809
aVTwo men walk into a bar... You would have thought the second one would have ducked....
p3810
aVWhy are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them.
p3811
aVI thought I wanted a career, turns out, I just wanted a paycheck.
p3812
aVIf I throw a stick, will you leave?
p3813
aVAtheism is a nonprophet organization.
p3814
aVBy the time you finally understand grown-ups, you are one. Dennis the Menace
p3815
aVIs It wrong for a guy like me to have silk sheets? They're nice..
p3816
aVPeople say laughter is the best medicine, so instead of\u000aGetting a flu shot, you can just look at my bank balance.
p3817
aVWill all those who believe in pyschokinesis please raise my hand?
p3818
aVMy mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a b
p3819
aVThe worst part of censorship is ***********
p3820
aVdon't judge a book by its movie.
p3821
aVFriends come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
p3822
aVThe hardest thing about business is keeping your own.
p3823
aVSomething impossible is just something that no one has done yet.
p3824
aVthere are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.
p3825
aVWinter's coming, time to take off the stained satin sheets.
p3826
aVVideo games ruined my life. Luckily, I have two more.
p3827
aVwhen life gives you lemons,\u000amake grape juice,\u000athen sit back,\u000aand let the world wonder how you did it.
p3828
aVWhen I feel like life is going too fast, I go to the DMV.
p3829
aVIs it better to cheat, or repeat? #school
p3830
aV\u000aDon\u2019t knock on death\u2019s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.
p3831
aVShe ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
p3832
aVWe always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
p3833
aVSomeone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
p3834
aVI had a guy message me saying, " you, are stunning" I replied, "yes, and straight too."
p3835
aVI want to kill the hottest person alive, but suicide is a crime.
p3836
aV1f u c4n r34d 7h15, u r34lly n33d 2 g37 4 l1f3.
p3837
aVI just gave a girl my number in roman numerals. If she can figure it out, she's worth a shot.
p3838
aVDon't steal, the government doesn't want any competition.
p3839
aVFacebook is like jail. You sit around and waste your time, you write on walls, and poke people you don't know.
p3840
aV2 guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
p3841
aVDid you hear about the romance between the two blood vessels?\u000aThey loved in vein....
p3842
aVIs it weird my favorite part of a girl is her frontal thigh?
p3843
aVA: Why are you crying? \u000aB: The elephant is dead. \u000aA: Was he your pet? \u000aB: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
p3844
aVWhas that? Oh, it's the stank basket.
p3845
aVPUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn\u2019t do?" \u000aTEACHER:" Of course not." \u000aPUPIL: "Good, because I haven\u2019t done my homework."
p3846
aVMarriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
p3847
aVGirls have tea time, guys have tee time.
p3848
aVPuts the "oopid" in "stupid"
p3849
aVEverybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
p3850
aVEver have a fly land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to hit it with the cursor?
p3851
aVWhy are wrong numbers never busy?
p3852
aVLittle Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? \u000aTeacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? \u000aLittle Johnny: But I asked first!
p3853
aVA: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. \u000aB: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
p3854
aVDid Noah include termites on the ark?
p3855
aVA man complimented me on my driving today, there was a note on my windshield that said "parking fine"
p3856
aVWhy do they leave out the letter B on "Garage Sale" Signs?
p3857
aVA politician is one who shakes your hand before election, and shakes your confidence after.
p3858
aVGod wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
p3859
aVThe computer beat me at chess, but I can sure as heck beat it at kickboxing.
p3860
aVIf big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
p3861
aVMy two Mexican buddies were playing basketball with each other. I called it a Juan on Juan tournament.
p3862
aVWhat do you call a sheep with no legs?\u000aA cloud
p3863
aVWhat's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?\u000aEveryone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
p3864
aVOf course men can multitask, we read on the toilet.
p3865
aVBosses are like slinkies. Never fun unless you seem them fall down the stairs.
p3866
aVIt has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
p3867
aVI don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
p3868
aVTwo wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
p3869
aVYou were born as an original, don't die as a copy!
p3870
aVWinter is now here. And Have I changed the stained silk sheets? No, but they've gotten worse.
p3871
aVA guy said, "I see the light at the end of the tunnel". I then told him, "yeah, it's a train". ------*smack*
p3872
aVWrapping presents is easy you get your paper scissors/tape. Then you get a pitiful, helpless look on your faceand someone will do it for you
p3873
aVI was going to sue a neurosurgeon, but then he changed my mind.
p3874
aVI have a photographic memory, it's just out of film.
p3875
aVIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
p3876
aVI hope the guy who wants to make that million dollars so freaking bad makes $999,999.99 then gets hit by a bus. Via@amazingoneliner
p3877
aVInstead of a hammock, it should be called the nap-sack
p3878
aVThe difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
p3879
aVBorrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
p3880
aVI put my left earphone in and said.. This doesn't feel right.
p3881
aVWhat do you do if a blonde throws you a grenade? Pull the pin and throw it back.
p3882
aVOnly one thing keeps me from sticking to a diet. Food.
p3883
aVI'm beginning to think that if opportunity ever does knock, it'll be because it has to use my bathroom.
p3884
aVMy girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.
p3885
aVNo wonder newborn babies cry. They've got nothing to eat, no clothes and they already owe the government money.
p3886
aVWithout ME, it's just AWESO.
p3887
aVIt was only 7 days ago, but it felt just like last week.
p3888
aVLook people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.
p3889
aVI told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said go sleep in the kitchen.
p3890
aVGreat minds don't think alike, great minds just think.
p3891
aVI'm not bald, my forehead just extends to the back of my neck.
p3892
aVThe up-side to procrastination is you always have something to do tomorrow.
p3893
aVJust because your a parent, doesn't mean you have to be lame.
p3894
aVWhose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
p3895
aVProcrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.
p3896
aVLife is like a Lambourghini. It goes too fast and it costs too much.
p3897
aVAnswering Machine: "Hi! I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you."
p3898
aVI slept like a baby last night.... Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
p3899
aVI've always wondered If someone has actually LMAO'd.
p3900
aVTo steal from one is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
p3901
aVSlim: the line between genius and insane.
p3902
aVI consider "On Time" to be when I get there.
p3903
aVIf it's till death do us part, we are all single in heaven right?
p3904
aVLight travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
p3905
aVWhy is abbreviation such a long word?
p3906
aVWhat's another word for thesaurus?
p3907
aVDo you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
p3908
aVDuring a lecture on India, the teacher said a woman gives birth every 10 seconds in the country. A kid stood up and said, we gotta stop her!
p3909
aVCooking is as easy as cake.
p3910
aVCrime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
p3911
aVI couldn't repair your breaks, so I made your horn louder.
p3912
aVIt all makes sense. If pro is opposite of con, then the opposite of progress..
p3913
aVWriting is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is.
p3914
aVWedding rings are too much like little handcuffs.
p3915
aVI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
p3916
aVI don't skinny dip, I phanny float!
p3917
aVI will start watching it when it's called "dancing off a cliff"
p3918
aVMy boss thinks of me as a verb.
p3919
aVThose stairs move so fast! They slipped right out from under me.
p3920
aVA 40-year-old man called me swell. What the heck do I do now?
p3921
aVYour tongue weighs practically nothing. So why can't you hold it?
p3922
aVHas Tiny biceps, but they are getting fatter in the middle.
p3923
aVOdd? I'm completely whacked.
p3924
aVMy friend tells me I am too lazy to think for myself. What's he mean?
p3925
aVEven if there is nothing to say, that hasn't stopped some people.
p3926
aVHoney, would you like a snack? "No" Then would you make me one?
p3927
aVIf you want flattery girls, I'm your man. I have a steam roller ready to use.
p3928
aVIf all else fails, lower your standards.
p3929
aVYou're not living longer, you're just dying slower!
p3930
aVBumper Sticker: Keep honking, I'm reloading.
p3931
aVI ran out of sick days, so now I call in dead.
p3932
aVI don't use toilet paper. I use hindkerchifs.
p3933
aVI knew I was going bald when it kept taking me longer and longer to wash my face.
p3934
aVA dictionary is the only place where eighth comes before first.
p3935
aVMoney does grow on trees! Banks have branches don't they?
p3936
aVWith Harry Potter, Oprah, and letterman all done, I guess the world is really ending.
p3937
aVThat Ke$ha song, Blah Blah Blah, the Chase she was talking about, yeah. It's me.
p3938
aVWe no longer live in the real world. We live in the reel world.
p3939
aVOf course it's in the last place you look. You're not gonna keep looking after that..right?
p3940
aVWhy are all blonde jokes one-liners? So men can understand them.
p3941
aVWhen i grow older, I want to be a couple with my wife.. Not a couple of parents.
p3942
aVWhile driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
p3943
aVWife: germs last on paper money for up to 27 days! Husband: *opens empty wallet* don't worry, we're safe.
p3944
aVTsk..a slinky riding the escalator. I swear, laziness has taken over this country!
p3945
aVAs Mr Peanut left his house, he said to his wife, "see you, I'll be back in a Jif"
p3946
aVI dropped 30 lbs over the summer. "oh yeah? And what happened to your foot?" that's where I dropped the 30 lb sandbag.
p3947
aVI like putting notes on peoples windshields saying I smashes their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
p3948
aVFacebook Movie showtimes: 4:00 6:00 8:00 10:00.  Twitter Showtimes: 4:00 4:02 4:06 4:08
p3949
aVHumpty Dumpty's last words. " man I had a good summer. I just hope I have a great fall!"
p3950
aVThe only time you would ever would want to wear a vegetable costume is in a gladiator stadium full of carnivores
p3951
aVMarriage is grand, but divorce is 50 grand.
p3952
aVIndebted: when you use your visa to pay off your MasterCard.
p3953
aVShould Jack be considered a number?
p3954
aVBig TV dinners=big TVs
p3955
aVMy friends' kids' names began from a-z. after they had George, they named their next girl Zack. I don't think they wanted anymore kids.
p3956
aVWhat do you say to God when he sneezes?
p3957
aVWhen I was born, the doctor came  to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled thru
p3958
aVI was an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
p3959
aVA girl called me, she told me to come over because no one was home. Sure enough, no one was there.
p3960
aVIf winning isn't everything, why do we keep score?
p3961
aVIf God meant for us to be naked, he would have fit our skin better on.
p3962
aVI don't consider myself bald. I consider myself taller than my hair.
p3963
aVWhat did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.
p3964
aVWhy do people have hot water heaters? If the waters hot, why heat it?
p3965
aVIf you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
p3966
aVI hope baby oil doesn't come from where it says it does..
p3967
aVWhat happens if a book on how to fail, sells? Is it now a success?
p3968
aVIf you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore.
p3969
aVNeed experience for job. Need job for experience.
p3970
aVWhat did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.
p3971
aVMy friend dropped his box of Italian pastries on the floor. I cannoli imagine what he must be going through.
p3972
aVI was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
p3973
aVThe common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.
p3974
aVA pirate who wants to stay healthy takes Vitamin "Sea".
p3975
aVHow much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
p3976
aVHaving sex in elevators is wrong on so many levels.
p3977
aVI can't stand math teachers. They've got too many problems.
p3978
aVMy girlfriend changed after she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
p3979
aV"They told me to play safe, so I played with one" - Thief
p3980
aVIf 'being obnoxious' was an Olympic event you'd win every time!
p3981
aV"Nothing is really lost until your mom can't find it."
p3982
aVSleep + social life = bad grades. Good grades + sleep = no social life. Good grades + social life = no sleep.
p3983
aVOnce upon a time I accidentialy smashed my face in the keyboard and wrote the 5th Twighlight book.
p3984
aVChuck Norris doesn't flush his toilet. He just scares the shit out of it!
p3985
aVSaw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.
p3986
aVI found the key to success. Now, I just need to find the lock.
p3987
aVA wise man once said nothing.
p3988
aVMy fan has three speeds: useless, useless and wind tunnel.
p3989
aVYou should check out this really expensive chair I just bought. It's in Section 6, row 20 at the stadium.
p3990
aVThe five stages of Monday: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine.
p3991
aVSophisticated listening devices are nothing new. Where I live, we call them 'neighbors'.
p3992
aVPeople say 60 is the new 40...the cop that pulled me over this morning disagreed.
p3993
aVWhen Aryabhatta checked my exam papers, he invented zero.
p3994
aVAccording to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
p3995
aVMath: Only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
p3996
aVI used to think that getting dumped is the worst feeling in the world until last night when a 5 GB download failed at 99%.
p3997
aVMy girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences... She failed to worship me
p3998
aVMy neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.
p3999
aVWomen drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.
p4000
aVA burp is just a fart that took the elevator.
p4001
aVThe first rule for those with a bad memory: 1)
p4002
aVThe letter 'q' needs to get a real job.
p4003
aVThe closest to perfection most people ever get is when they're filling out a job application.
p4004
aVCAUTION: Reading the entire medication warning may cause drowsi....
p4005
aVFalling in love is like riding a bike. There's always a chance you might get run over.
p4006
aVTomorrow: A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.
p4007
aVYou should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."
p4008
aVThe way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
p4009
aVSomeone tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.
p4010
aVI wish some conversations came with a fast-forward button.
p4011
aVMy apathy is at an all time whatever.
p4012
aVHey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing.
p4013
aVI was the first person to injure themselves during The Safety Dance.
p4014
aVI wish I could remember that joke I heard about Alzheimer's.
p4015
aVJust saw a politician trying to save both faces.
p4016
aVWow what a rush, I was just recognized in public! I didn't think that wanted poster was still in circulation.
p4017
aVIf anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
p4018
aVThis day is pregnant with possibilities, but I just found out they're not mine.
p4019
aVVery few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
p4020
aVWARNING: If you do it right the first time, they'll ask you to do it again.
p4021
aVSocks have the highest divorce rate.
p4022
aVWife and daughter are out of town, which means I'm the man of the house now.
p4023
aVLet's grow old together. You go first.
p4024
aVI live life in the fast lane ... with a stream of cars behind me, horns blaring.
p4025
aVA fool and his money are never around when you need them.
p4026
aVMen look at a woman's behind and go "Oh! What an ass!" Women look at a man's face and go "Oh! What an ass!"
p4027
aVMy brother's in prison for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.
p4028
aVThey shouldn't call it "office politics", if you can't really vote out the bosses.
p4029
aVYou can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.
p4030
aVI have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.
p4031
aVI really need to stop talking to my cat. Right meow.
p4032
aVI have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
p4033
aVTwitter has saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.
p4034
aVLet's all get drunk and correct each other's grammar.
p4035
aVThat awkward moment when someone you hate thinks your opinion is valid.
p4036
aVTitanic 3D is out. You guys think they'll see the iceberg this time?
p4037
aVThe "National Tell A Lie Day" was just another day for every politician.
p4038
aVThe most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
p4039
aVGalaxy Note jokes are the new "Yo Mamma So Fat" jokes.
p4040
aVMen think about sex every sex words. I mean six words.
p4041
aVThe three fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Twitter and tell-a woman.
p4042
aVWhat is the similarity between Bill Gates & me? Don't know? \u000aHe never comes to my house & I never go to his house EGO PROBLEMS YOU KNOW.
p4043
aVPretending to write when the teacher starts calling on random people.
p4044
aVImmature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
p4045
aVA bikini is an outfit where 90% of a women's body is exposed and men are decent enough to stare at the 10% that is covered.
p4046
aVI changed my car horn sound to gunshots, people move out of the way much faster now.
p4047
aVWhen I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone like a Giraffe; just to confuse future archaeologists.
p4048
aVNo one makes a bigger deal about driving to work than firetrucks.
p4049
aVIf you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
p4050
aVI'm really tired from all of this metamorphosizing from a single cell.
p4051
aVI don't know why the boss calls it a week's wages when it only lasts for a day.
p4052
aVEvery once in a while, it's important to show my kids who's boss. (I do this by pointing to my wife.)
p4053
aVCan you sue a Chinese restaurant for damages incurred as a result of bad fortune cookie advice?
p4054
aVSomewhere, a smart Laser eye surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
p4055
aV"What's the definition of anxiety?" \u000a"The half of the time when you're worried about the other half of the time."
p4056
aVLife is full of disappointments and I'm full of life.
p4057
aVHealth insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a Turtle.
p4058
aVI used to own a party balloon company but I couldn't keep up with the high cost of inflation.
p4059
aVI don't understand how crows can fly so straight when there's so many crow bars around.
p4060
aVA bear hug isn't truly a bear hug unless it's administered by a real bear.
p4061
aVHundreds of kids are shipped off to "Mime Boarding School" every year, never to be heard from again.
p4062
aVI like to lead by bad example.
p4063
aVYou haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."
p4064
aVIt doesn\u2019t matter what it is. If it glows in the dark, It's automatically cool.
p4065
aVAfter reading this you will notice that the the brain doesn't notice the second "the".
p4066
aVThe speed I drive my car is related to the type of music I'm listening to.
p4067
aVThe tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell their body parts for money.
p4068
aVI don't have bad handwriting. I have my own font.
p4069
aVWhoever said that I can't cook obviously hasn't tasted my cereal.
p4070
aVI don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullsh*t.
p4071
aVI MUSTACHE you a question, but I'll SHAVE it for later.
p4072
aVGrammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
p4073
aVKiss me if I'm wrong. But dinosaurs still exist right?
p4074
aVCommitting suicide is a 6 step process. \u000aStep 1: Find the edge of a cliff....\u000a....now take 5 more steps.
p4075
aVCashiers are always checking me out.
p4076
aV"You're like a coin." ... \u000a"Awwww, valuable?" ... \u000a"Nope, two faced"
p4077
aVI asked my girl what she wanted for Christmas this year, and she said "Surprise me"... So I phoned her from Hawaii.
p4078
aVI was pulled over by the police... "Have we been drinking sir" "No" I replied. "I don't remember you buying me a pint"
p4079
aVRoses are dead, Violets are dead, I'm shit at gardening.
p4080
aVTruth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it isn't going away.
p4081
aVI always try not to judge people. Which is probably why I lost my job as a judge!
p4082
aVI used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
p4083
aVOfficer to drunk boy : "How high are you?" Drunk Boy: No officer, its "Hi! How are you?"
p4084
aVWhat do cows do for entertainment?\u000aThey rent "moovies".
p4085
aVAfter (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!
p4086
aVYesterday I sent out a text saying, "Hey I lost my phone, will you call it?" 10 people called me. I need smarter friends.
p4087
aVWhen you really want to slap someone, do it and say "Mosquito!!"
p4088
aVMy Dad was behind bars for twenty years. Heck of a bartender he was.
p4089
aVI looked at your trophy wife. I see you didn't win first place.
p4090
aVMy imaginary friends are real. They just happen to be friends with other people except me.
p4091
aVI'm having a bit of car trouble...mainly because I can't afford to put gas in it.
p4092
aVLost an hour. Bet it's somewhere with my keys.
p4093
aVI always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
p4094
aVI got slapped at work today. I only asked if she spits or swallows. It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters
p4095
aVYou're everything I never wanted.
p4096
aVSometimes pain is just nature's way of telling you that you're the nail instead of the hammer.
p4097
aVMy Sony receiver just told me to standby as it was turning off. Next thing you know it'll want me to hug it.
p4098
aVMy boss has a heart of gold. Or whatever metal they're using these days to make robot hearts.
p4099
aVA paper cut is a tree's last revenge.
p4100
aVIf 14th March was truly a Pi Day, then it would never end.
p4101
aVSometimes, I wish I could hit the snooze button on coworkers.
p4102
aVIt's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.
p4103
aVMost mathematicians don't realize, there's an easy way to round Pi. Just add an "e".
p4104
aVFor all the things done in its name, Love should complain more about identity theft.
p4105
aVRobots are never anxious because they have nerves of steel.
p4106
aVYou never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
p4107
aVKarma is only a bitch if you are.
p4108
aVI can't put into words how much I love my wife. I'm illiterate!
p4109
aVBeing sick can really affect your grades in school. The kid my son cheats off of was out all last week.
p4110
aVI had three dates today. They were incredible. Three more tomorrow. Thing is, I have to finish this box of dates before it expires.
p4111
aVI tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive but its hair look amazing!
p4112
aVMy new house has a circular driveway. I can't get out.
p4113
aVPlace a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
p4114
aVI got the chips for my Super Bowl party. The dips should be arriving any minute.
p4115
aVChildhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
p4116
aVMy calculator is missing the minus button but, on the plus side, it still works.
p4117
aVA criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
p4118
aVI just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.
p4119
aVMy body is a temple. That is, it feels and looks like something that was destroyed by the Romans some 2500 years ago.
p4120
aVIf I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
p4121
aVIf your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
p4122
aVOnce in a while I take the blame when the dog farts, just to pay him back.
p4123
aVWanted to be a farmer at one time, but it turned out to be the wrong field for me.
p4124
aVKnow what the two pessimists did when they first met? They shook their heads.
p4125
aVI did not fight my way up the food chain to be a vegetarian.p162
p4126
aVMarriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
p4127
aVI have a phone interview tomorrow. What are some good questions to ask a phone?
p4128
aVI'd put more jokes about sex on here but I don't know much about it. I'm a married man.
p4129
aVBeer doesn't make you FAT, it makes you LEAN....Against walls, tables, chairs, floors, and ugly people.
p4130
aVWhile driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.
p4131
aVThe boss says they passed over a lot of good people before they hired me.
p4132
aVDoctor: "The best thing you can do is give up drinking and smoking and eat healthy foods." \u000aPatient: "What's the second best thing?"
p4133
aVGeorge Washington could not tell a lie, and thus would be an abject failure in politics today.
p4134
aVMy ex-wife believed marriage should be between a man, a woman, her mother, her sisters, & the neighbors across the street.
p4135
aVPeople from the east and west coasts call this part of the country "the heartland" so they can bypass it.
p4136
aVThey say 5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions.
p4137
aVWe will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
p4138
aV"Doctor! Doctor! I snore so loudly, I wake myself up at night."\u000a"Have you tried sleeping in another room?"
p4139
aVMy wife has a contract to give lectures. It's called a marriage license.
p4140
aVToday I told my mom I broke into a homeless man house. She grounded me.p176
p4141
aVChanged my computer password to "silence". Apparently the wife doesn't know that word.
p4142
aVGot a new job working at the police station sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
p4143
aVMath may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. But it gives us every reason to hope that "every problem has a solution".
p4144
aVI just read an article about the wages of alcoholism. So wait... you can get paid for that?
p4145
aVIf loving you is wrong, I've probably loved you.
p4146
aV10 things you will never know about me: \u000a1-
p4147
aVEvery new McDonald's creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons!
p4148
aVPizza is like sex, when it is good it's VERY GOOD, when it's bad...it's still pretty good.
p4149
aVLaziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
p4150
aVI'm for politicians doing two terms. One in office and one in jail.
p4151
aVPopcorn is probably my favorite food that explodes before you eat it.
p4152
aVThe main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
p4153
aVThe tongue weighs practically nothing, but only a few people can hold it.
p4154
aVA pessimist counting his blessings, "10...9...8...7...6...5..."
p4155
aVRemember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you. Push and Pull.
p4156
aVThe only thing longer than my honey-do list is my honey-don't list.
p4157
aVTip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
p4158
aVI start everyday with a sit up. I've done nearly 10,000 so far.
p4159
aVIf adult diapers are called 'Depends', then baby diapers should be called 'Definitely'.
p4160
aVIf you want my opinion you'll have to ask my wife for it.
p4161
aVYesterday was International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held on the day before yesterday but they took too long to get ready
p4162
aVFable: a story told by a teenager arriving home three hours after curfew.
p4163
aVI always cry at the same spot in the movies. Right at the ticket window.
p4164
aVAt the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." \u000aCashier: "OK, with whom?" \u000aMe: "Whoever has lots of money."
p4165
aVYou never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
p4166
aVFirst rule of gun safety: Don't piss me off.
p4167
aVBefore you wed that lawyer, remember you're about to marry someone who's been professionally trained to argue.
p4168
aVHow do you know an Asian broke into your home? Your dog has been eaten, math homework's done, & he's still trying to leave your driveway.
p4169
aVWhat are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch, but on the other hand, you have a watch.
p4170
aVI had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night. The loud beeping was giving me a headache and made me feel dizzy
p4171
aVI invented a new word. Plagiarism.
p4172
aV9 out of 10 doctors recommended for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
p4173
aVGirlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."\u000aMe: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
p4174
aVMy Dad got a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle". When I looked confused he said, "no ballroom"
p4175
aVThe other day a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.
p4176
aVI beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.
p4177
aVI can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
p4178
aVA local movie theater was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise. The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles & 4 small diet cokes.
p4179
aVWhat did one butt cheek say to the other? If we stick together, we can stop this shit.
p4180
aVDid you see that Sargento Cheese is going to stop selling shredded cheese? They're trying to make America grate again
p4181
aVHow do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian? Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
p4182
aVWill glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
p4183
aVWhat does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
p4184
aVI was wondering what my parents did without the internet. None of my 13 siblings could tell me
p4185
aVMy girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
p4186
aVWhen Alexander Graham Bell finally finished inventing the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
p4187
aVI went to a restaurant yesterday & the waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I spoke very slowly, because clearly she didn't listen well.
p4188
aV9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
p4189
aVWhat does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz #SayItOutLoud
p4190
aVThree people having sex is called a threesome & four people having sex is called a foursome. I guess that's why everyone calls me handsome!
p4191
aV"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes."
p4192
aVWhat's the difference between boy scouts and Jews? Boy scouts always come back from camp!
p4193
aVWhat's the best thing about being black? Not having to listen to awful dad jokes.
p4194
aVWhy did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls
p4195
aVDo special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?
p4196
aVWhat's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist? The art
p4197
aVWhy are Mike Tyson's eyes always red after sex? Pepper Spray
p4198
aVMy wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore. I had to put my foot down.
p4199
aVMy girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."
p4200
aVI bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
p4201
aVMy lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
p4202
aVI'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.
p4203
aVWhat kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.
p4204
aVI told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period & Star Wars is sold out. She pulled some strings & got me in.
p4205
aVMy friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D. I said, yes, but they R2D2.
p4206
aVWhat's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursELF
p4207
aVAbortions are so fun. It really brings out the kid in you
p4208
aV5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
p4209
aVWhat do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor? Feminists.
p4210
aVWhy do Indians hate snow? It's white and it's on their land.
p4211
aVI'm 36 but have the body of an 18-year-old.  The police are pretty upset about it.
p4212
aVI got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
p4213
aV"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Bob, you've been a doctor for 8 years now, stop starting every call we have with that."
p4214
aVWon the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75
p4215
aVWhy do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table
p4216
aVG/f left a note on the fridge. "It's not working. Can't take it anymore." Opened the fridge & the light came on. What the hell did she mean?
p4217
aVMy favorite sexual position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
p4218
aVWhy was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
p4219
aV3 men are on a boat. They have 4 cigars, but nothing to light them with. They throw a cigar overboard & the boat becomes a cigar lighter.
p4220
aVWhat do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
p4221
aVWhat do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
p4222
aVI have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
p4223
aVWhen life gives Charlie Sheen lemons, he fucks them and gives them lemon-aids
p4224
aVMy girlfriend said to me "sex is better on vacation". That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
p4225
aVWhat's the worst animal to play cards with? A cheetah. Because it'll rip your face off.
p4226
aVMy wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
p4227
aVI like my puns like I like my sausages. The wurst ones are the best.
p4228
aVI almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
p4229
aVMy doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's. At least it isn't cancer.
p4230
aVWhat's the difference between American teenage girls & Muslim teenage girls? American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.
p4231
aVWhat should you do when life gives you melons? Get tested for dyslexia.
p4232
aVThe girl I lost my virginity to was retarded. I wanted my first time to be special.
p4233
aVI haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
p4234
aVRick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up
p4235
aVOne in every two and a half men is HIV positive.
p4236
aVHow many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants
p4237
aVWhat's 18 inches long and makes women scream at night? Crib Death.
p4238
aVWhat did the Mexican Firefighter name his twin sons? José and Hose B
p4239
aVMy girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
p4240
aVI tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
p4241
aVWhy do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.
p4242
aVWhat do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get
p4243
aVI'm addicted to having money in the bank. I really do suffer from withdrawals.
p4244
aVToday I gave my dead batteries away - Free of charge!
p4245
aVYou hear about the newest member of the X-Men? Caitlyn Jenner
p4246
aVMy boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.
p4247
aVWhere would you park your camel? The Camelot.
p4248
aVWhat did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period!
p4249
aVWhat do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tooter.
p4250
aVCrocodiles can grow up to 20 feet, but most have just four.
p4251
aVMike Tyson was arrested for beating up a pizza waitress. As he was finish eating, she asked "You wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
p4252
aVThere's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'You man the guns, I'll drive'
p4253
aVDamn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up
p4254
aVWhat do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.
p4255
aVI went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No steak?" He replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
p4256
aVWhy do pencils shave? To look sharp.
p4257
aVA mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*. He disappeared without a tres.
p4258
aVI want to tell a joke about Steve Jobs, but won't because it's not PC.
p4259
aVLife is like a box of chocolates; it doesn't last as long for fat people.
p4260
aVTo the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...You can hide, but you can't run.
p4261
aVA Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
p4262
aVWhat's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie? IT'S FUCKING FROZEN
p4263
aVI, for one, like Roman Numerals
p4264
aVWhat is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire
p4265
aVUnfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung. She was my Seoul mate.
p4266
aVThank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
p4267
aVI hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn." Stupid firemen
p4268
aVMoses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.
p4269
aVWhat's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
p4270
aVI like my women how I like my bicycles. Chained up in the garage and two tired for movement.
p4271
aVThe Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?" The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"
p4272
aVHow did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.
p4273
aVMy grandfather had a stroke this week. He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
p4274
aVWhat kind of water do you put into a waterbed? Spring water
p4275
aVHere's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow
p4276
aVWhy are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!
p4277
aVA cop pulled over a Rabbi on Yom Kippur and said "hey you were speeding". The Rabbi replied "no, I'm fasting".
p4278
aVIf I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I'd be her type.
p4279
aVWhen I get mad I count down from ten out loud. I was arrested, the cops mistook me for a bomb.
p4280
aVDave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifesaver. It's what he would have wanted.
p4281
aVI received an email from Google. It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."
p4282
aVMy ex wife died so to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
p4283
aVWhy did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver!
p4284
aVWhat do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?  A Guantanamo Bae
p4285
aVWhat does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
p4286
aVWhy are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.
p4287
aVAmerica is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president. You could say they are going toupée for it.
p4288
aVA policeman knocked on the door & said, "It looks like your wife has been in an accident..." I said "Yes but she has a great personality!"
p4289
aVI remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
p4290
aVWhat's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.
p4291
aVHow's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.
p4292
aVI threw a party for people who can't ejaculate. Nobody came.
p4293
aVWhy is Def Leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along
p4294
aVI'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.
p4295
aVHave you ever seen Puns: The Musical? If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.
p4296
aVWhy did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil.
p4297
aVWhat was Spiderman's major in college? Web Design
p4298
aVIt may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker
p4299
aVHow do you blind an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
p4300
aVDid you hear about the pessimistic German vegetarian? He feared the wurst
p4301
aVI hate when people ask me what I'm see myself doing in 5 years. Its not like I have 2020 vision.
p4302
aVWhat does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black
p4303
aVAnyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
p4304
aVJared Fogle of Subway started and ended his career the same way. Trying to get into smaller pants.
p4305
aVA waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining and asks "ladies, is anything ok?"
p4306
aVDiarrhea must be hereditary because it runs in your jeans.
p4307
aVDid you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees.
p4308
aVWhat did the depressed ghost say to the psychiatrist? Thanks for lifting my spirits.
p4309
aVWhy did 10 die? Because he was in the middle of 9/11
p4310
aVHear about the baby with AIDS?  It never gets old
p4311
aVWhy does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.
p4312
aVGeno Smith went to throw a punch back, but it was short a few yards.
p4313
aVWhat does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask says they don't know.
p4314
aVI hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
p4315
aVI seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
p4316
aVCan you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!? Luckily, I was up playing my drums.
p4317
aVTwo blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
p4318
aVToday someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
p4319
aVI know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
p4320
aVSomebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windshield. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
p4321
aV"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
p4322
aVWhen my employer asked if I had a criminal record I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
p4323
aVWhy do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste? The last dentist is busy killing a lion.
p4324
aVWhat do you call a marine who can't swim? A submarine.
p4325
aVSeveral toilets were stolen last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.
p4326
aVIs the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas.
p4327
aVMy boss said "You're the worst fucking train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed to date?" I replied "It's hard to keep track."
p4328
aVWhy does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
p4329
aV50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts. The other 50% drive Rincolns.
p4330
aVMy wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper, but she screamed when I brought her one.
p4331
aVMy friend really changed when she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
p4332
aVI've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil
p4333
aVWhat did the Indian boy say to his mom before he left? Mumbai
p4334
aVWhat concert ticket costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
p4335
aVWhy did the guitarist go to jail? For fingering A minor
p4336
aVWhy do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
p4337
aVThis joke is so dark that I hope it doesn't get shot by the police.
p4338
aVMy doctor asked if I drink to excess. I told him I'll drink to anything.
p4339
aVI was going down on this chick when I noticed her pussy tasted like horse semen. I stopped and said "Oh, so that's how you died, Grandma."
p4340
aVMy gf broke up with me, saying "You believe you're a Transformer. It's stupid." I said, "But, I can change!" She said, "There you go again!"
p4341
aVNever have unprotected sex with a cannibal. next thing you know, you'll have a baby in the oven.
p4342
aVI suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
p4343
aVWhat do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.
p4344
aVThey are the nosiest type of pepper. They are always jalapeño in your business
p4345
aVWhat do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee
p4346
aVPretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market. Oh the irony.
p4347
aVWhat is the capital of Greece? About £10
p4348
aVWhy do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.
p4349
aVI started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco
p4350
aVIf Donald Trump gets elected president there's gonna be hell toupée.
p4351
aVDid you hear about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.
p4352
aVWhat do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic
p4353
aVDid you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
p4354
aVWhat do you do if your kids start smoking? Take them out of the oven.
p4355
aVWhy is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.
p4356
aVI thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
p4357
aVWhy don't dentists display their awards? Because they want to prevent plaque build-up.
p4358
aVWhy did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
p4359
aVWhy should you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
p4360
aVWhat do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking
p4361
aVI recently got sick at the airport. My doctor says it's a terminal illness.
p4362
aVIf you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
p4363
aVI ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together. It was very con-fusing.
p4364
aVIt's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.
p4365
aVI got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand. They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
p4366
aVMy friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
p4367
aVThere's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.
p4368
aVHow do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.
p4369
aVI've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.
p4370
aVWhat's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck? After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck.
p4371
aVWhat do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.
p4372
aVWhat happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
p4373
aVI lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
p4374
aVI saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching....to reverse and leaving the scene.
p4375
aVA cannibal passed his friend in the woods.
p4376
aVWhat is E.T. short for? So he can fit on a spaceship.
p4377
aVMy wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day. I lost it.
p4378
aVThe only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful. Bitches love to be called Beautiful
p4379
aVA suicide bomber says to his apprentice: "Watch carefully I can only do this once!"
p4380
aVWhat do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar
p4381
aVHow do you keep a blonde busy for years? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
p4382
aVWhy does Kim Jong Un love books. Because he's the glorious Reader
p4383
aVWhat do the films 'Titanic' and 'The Sixth Sense' have in common? Icy dead people.
p4384
aVWhy did the pig buy flour and sugar? He felt like bacon.
p4385
aVHao Long is a Chinese name.
p4386
aVWhat kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.
p4387
aVWhat is a ghost's favorite type of porn? Booooookake
p4388
aVI like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and all over my crotch.
p4389
aVWhat do they call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids
p4390
aVWhy do blind people walk their dogs so much?
p4391
aVMy math teacher called me average. How mean!
p4392
aVWhat did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas? Gee, you knit?
p4393
aVI went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?" The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."
p4394
aVI was in bed with a blind girl and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
p4395
aVWhy do porn stars hate driving? Because people always pull out infront of them.
p4396
aVDid you hear the latest joke about Baltimore? It's a riot
p4397
aVI was walking by a car filled with black people. They locked the door when i came near. I felt like a bad ass until I realized it was my car
p4398
aVAn old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
p4399
aVWhat type of blood does a keyboard have? Typo
p4400
aVWhat did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
p4401
aVWhat's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.
p4402
aVI'm sick to death of cocaine dealers always sticking their business in other people's noses.
p4403
aVWhy were the Paul Walker jokes removed from the Bieber Roast? Paul Walker has already been roasted.
p4404
aVI just finished designing a website for an orphanage. There isn't a home page
p4405
aVWhy do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
p4406
aVWhat do Iron man and Sarah Palin have in common? They both had a little Downey inside of them.
p4407
aVWhat musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
p4408
aVMy roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.
p4409
aVI was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.
p4410
aVI told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour. "No way. That's impossible!" she said. "Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
p4411
aVWhat if a butterfly got a tramp stamp of a trashy white girl?
p4412
aVI got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work. She got fired too. Sorry for gherkin your chain.
p4413
aVWhy does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
p4414
aVWhy are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired.
p4415
aVWhen I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend. It turns out it was just my imaginasian
p4416
aVHow many McDonald's workers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder.
p4417
aVCrazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate. They both kill your dog
p4418
aV"What do cannibals like to eat on St. Patrick's Day? Corn Beef and Cabbage Patch Dolls!"
p4419
aV"How do construction workers remember their tasks? They drill them into their head!"
p4420
aV"What did one lesbian ghost say to the other? I like your booooooobs"
p4421
aV"What is Luke Skywalker's favorite coffee place? Java the hut!"
p4422
aV"Want to hear a joke about jalapeno poppers? Probably not because it's too queso fresco!"
p4423
aV"What did the pervert olive say to the sexy olive? I hope you take olive your clothes off!"
p4424
aV"What did Rick Astley say to his virginity? Never gonna give you up!"
p4425
aV"Why did the fat guy say to the midget? Don't be short with me or I'll eat you!"
p4426
aV"What did the cat say to the dog. You're purrrrfect!"
p4427
aV"Two Mexicans walk into a bar. One of them goes "Dios Mio that bar hurt!"
p4428
aV"Why did the bread cross the road. Because it was yeasty!"
p4429
aVTomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.
p4430
aVA priest walks into a hotel & says "I hope the porn is disabled." The front desk guy replies "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
p4431
aVPeople always ask 'how do you cope with erectile dysfunction'? Honestly, it's not that hard
p4432
aVI´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back asks: do you want to see your family again? I said "no". We both had a good laugh.
p4433
aVA dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
p4434
aVI saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
p4435
aVMy dad was fired from his job in road work for theft. I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home all the signs were there.
p4436
aVWhoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you. You have my word
p4437
aVA vulture gets on a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion item per passenger."
p4438
aVWhat do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
p4439
aVTell a girl she's beautiful & she'll remember it for days. Tell a girl she's fat & she'll always remember because an elephant never forgets.
p4440
aVWhere do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
p4441
aV1/3 Of people live next to a pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two really hot ten year old's!
p4442
aVAre you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin.
p4443
aVThere's a new TV show about a plane hijacking. They just shot the pilot last week.
p4444
aVRIP boiling water. You will be mist.
p4445
aVWhy is there no black character in the game "Clue"? Because then it would be called "Solved."
p4446
aVI started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
p4447
aVDid you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will be a pizza history.
p4448
aVWhy are gay men always first to check-out of a hotel? They had their shit packed the night before.
p4449
aVMy penis was in a world record book once...until the librarian told me to take it out
p4450
aVCapitalization can really change a sentence. For example:\u000aI love to eat candy.\u000aI love to eat capitalization. \u000a\u000a
p4451
aVHow does a black woman know she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon the cotton's been picked.
p4452
aVYou gotta hand it to short people because they can't reach it
p4453
aVWhen a maple syrup producer sees a maple tree they don't own, do they think "I'd tap that"?
p4454
aVWhy are male bathrooms on the left, & female bathrooms on the right? Because women are always right, even when they're full of shit.
p4455
aVDid you hear the one about the three deep holes in the ground? Well? well? well?
p4456
aVI was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance so I pushed her over.
p4457
aVDid you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? He was tragically malicious.
p4458
aVI asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
p4459
aVWhat do you do if your baby comes out black? Cook the next one on a lower temperature.
p4460
aVWhat's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid $300 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
p4461
aVWhere does a dog go when he loses his tail? A re-tail store
p4462
aVWhat becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short
p4463
aVA falling battery killed a man today. It was charged with murder.
p4464
aVWhat's the best part about fucking twenty-eight year olds? They're twenty of them.
p4465
aVMy black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library. I said "Shit man, it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want!"
p4466
aVMy wife was happy when I told her I put a load in the dishwasher until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
p4467
aVWhat do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
p4468
aVWhat's the best part about dating a black girl? Not having to meet the father.
p4469
aVToday I was asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.
p4470
aVPedophiles are fucking immature assholes
p4471
aVAs I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
p4472
aVWhat was Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Kraft
p4473
aVWhy can't pirates finish the alphabet? They get lost at C.
p4474
aVWhere do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere!
p4475
aVWhat do u call a hilarious Mexican herb?  Sillyantro
p4476
aVWhat do you call an airplane that flies backwards? A receding airline
p4477
aVWhat do you call a stoner with down syndrome? A baked potato.
p4478
aVWhat do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists? The ¿Qué Qué Qué?
p4479
aVI don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym. I guess we just weren't working out.
p4480
aVI once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.
p4481
aV"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes."
p4482
aVWhat did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? "Eiffel."
p4483
aVWhy do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press
p4484
aVGot fired from the market for being too violent. All I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
p4485
aVWhat's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years? Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
p4486
aVWhy are there no casinos in Africa? Too many cheetahs.
p4487
aVWhat's Bill Clinton's favorite instrument to play? His whore Monica.
p4488
aVWhat's the difference between a feminist and a computer? You can punch information into a computer.
p4489
aVWhen I was 6 I got coal from Santa. The next year I decided to get back at him & poison the cookies. The bastard found out and killed my dad
p4490
aVI had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
p4491
aVWhere does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.
p4492
aVWhy are 490 Romans funny? Because XD
p4493
aVMy girlfriend left me for an Indian guy. It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well. I heard they worship cows
p4494
aVWhat do I get when I pour my Root Beer into a square mug? Just Beer.
p4495
aVI broke up with this cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else.
p4496
aVWhy do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in stable relationships.
p4497
aVI'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like, but I'm sure the mass will be the same.
p4498
aVI have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy". I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
p4499
aVWhy are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
p4500
aVWhat's the difference between Santa Claus and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney
p4501
aVWhy does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.
p4502
aVWhat do Ethiopians get for Christmas? Hungry
p4503
aVWho says love is dead? Necrophiliacs
p4504
aVI'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
p4505
aVDid Jesus ever get drunk? Not sure, but I heard he got hammered once.
p4506
aVI accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick. She's still not talking to me.
p4507
aVWhat do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok
p4508
aVI tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub. They told me to try Vine.
p4509
aVDuring my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
p4510
aVWhy can't Jesus eat a cheeseburger? Because he's dead.
p4511
aVOnce I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
p4512
aVHow many people in denial does it take to change a light bulb? There is nothing wrong with the light bulb!
p4513
aVWhy did the riot police show up early to the protest? They wanted to beat the crowd.
p4514
aVSomebody drilled a hole in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
p4515
aVGay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys!
p4516
aVHow can you tell my parents are abusive? Beats me
p4517
aVWhat do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown
p4518
aVTwo consonants and a vowel go into a bar
p4519
aVWhat did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle!
p4520
aVI've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think.
p4521
aVThe Nintendo 64 turned 18 last month, which means you can now legally blow the cartridges
p4522
aVWhy is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen
p4523
aVWhy can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.
p4524
aVA Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?" "Yes," replied the master, "But no attachments."
p4525
aVWhy is Darth Vader so famous? He was the first black man to admit he is the father. 
p4526
aVWhat did Santa say to the hooker? "Fuck the chimney, I'm cumming down her throat!"
p4527
aVWhat does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..
p4528
aVMy ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
p4529
aVI used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
p4530
aVWhy didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
p4531
aVA book fell on Sean Connery's head. He replies "I only have my shelf to blame".
p4532
aVWhen does Sean Connery show up to Wimbeldon? About tennish
p4533
aVSean Connery found his niche. She was in the garden playing with his nephew.
p4534
aVWhere does Sean Connery shit? On any chair he finds.
p4535
aVHow does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S
p4536
aVMy doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today. Technically he said, 'Less McDonald's' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant.
p4537
aVWhats the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until a boy's 14 to come on his face.
p4538
aVWhy did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
p4539
aVWhy didn't the skeleton show up to the party? He had no guts.
p4540
aVWhy doesn't Superman need a boss? He already has supervision.
p4541
aVMy wife is "like a plunger" when she gets drunk. She likes to bring up old shit.
p4542
aVWhat do ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both have kurds in their way
p4543
aVWhat is al-queda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
p4544
aVWhat's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.
p4545
aVWhat's better than seeing a woman wrestle? Seeing her box.
p4546
aVWhat's the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution.
p4547
aVDid you hear about the time Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas? He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
p4548
aVGirl are you sitting on an F5 key? Cause that ass is refreshing.
p4549
aVWhat do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners
p4550
aVWhy was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? Because it was Luke warm.
p4551
aVWhat did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.
p4552
aVDid you hear about the Leper going for the masturbation world record? Eventually he pulled it off!
p4553
aVHave you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet? Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.
p4554
aVAccordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
p4555
aVWhat do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed?  A seasoned veteran
p4556
aVHickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.
p4557
aVI heard Alabama changed the drinking age to 32. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
p4558
aVMaybe I'm just ignorant. I don't know.
p4559
aVWhat's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never begged to have a lentil on my face.
p4560
aVI have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
p4561
aVMy name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.
p4562
aVYou are all too mean to fat people. You guys really need to lay off. They already have enough on their plates.
p4563
aV"Dad I don't want a puppy!" "Young Man, you'll eat what you're given in this house."
p4564
aVMy psychiatrist says I have revenge issues. I'll show him.
p4565
aVDid you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.
p4566
aVIf you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns, go for the juggler
p4567
aVYou know what I find odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
p4568
aVMy girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"
p4569
aVWhy do bad farmers make good DJs? Because they've got sick beets!
p4570
aVWhere are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
p4571
aVMy Dad died recently, but unfortunately I slept in and missed the funeral. I guess I'm not a mourning person
p4572
aVWhy aren't Mexicans ever indecisive? Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.
p4573
aVSomeone told me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
p4574
aVI had a bukkake party last night. It was a disaster. Nobody came.
p4575
aVHow many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.
p4576
aVWhat did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? My pad or yours.
p4577
aVHow does a pregnant mermaid give birth? Sea-section
p4578
aVWhy are aspirins white? Because they work
p4579
aVDid you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
p4580
aVI put deodorant on only one armpit. I don't smell half bad.
p4581
aVWhy is twelve an unfair number? Because it's two against one.
p4582
aVI was in Ferguson, got jumped by 5 black guys. It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.
p4583
aVHow can you tell that the little mermaid is on her period? She's followed by sharks.
p4584
aVDid you hear a Payless Shoe Source got looted in Ferguson? The only thing left were the work boots.
p4585
aVDid you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? His jokes were cheesy, but his delivery was amazing!
p4586
aVWhat happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
p4587
aVEver hear of the Tempura House? It's a home for lightly battered women.
p4588
aVWhat do you call a pile of cats?  A MEOWTAIN.
p4589
aVDid you hear the one about the wooden car? With the wooden wheels? And the wooden engine? It wooden work
p4590
aVDid you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa.
p4591
aVWhats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops? It's counterproductive
p4592
aVA donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. because nobody likes a smart-ass.
p4593
aVSay, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert
p4594
aVWhat do you call two ants that run away to get married? Antelopes
p4595
aVHow did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? "I just need some space."
p4596
aVWhat did the little Iraqi girl tell her father after he bought her a new backpack? Thanks for the Baghdad.
p4597
aVWhy did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house? He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.
p4598
aVThe vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down." I said. "WHY?!" Vet said: "Because my arms are getting tired."
p4599
aVHow did Jesus get his abs? Cross Fit.
p4600
aVWhat kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler
p4601
aVWhat do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey José
p4602
aVWhy didn't the feminist get a job at the post office? Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.
p4603
aVWhat do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist
p4604
aVWhy can't atheists solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
p4605
aVA duck walks into the pharmacy to buy some chapstick and says "just put it on my bill"
p4606
aVWhy is an executioner a terrible high-fiver? They always leave you hanging
p4607
aVWhat do you call an abortion in Prague? A canceled Czech.
p4608
aVHow do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks? On the rocks
p4609
aVWhat did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
p4610
aVMy telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it. They said they'd look into it.
p4611
aVWhat did the man on the 100 MPH escalator say? "Well that escalated quickly" 
p4612
aVSay what you will about Jerry Sandusky but he was a damn good coach. He could turn a tight end into a wide receiver in no time.
p4613
aVWhy don't jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber
p4614
aVWhy do bulimics like KFC? It comes with a free bucket.
p4615
aVWhy did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?  Because he was a cagey bee agent.
p4616
aVI heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!" I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!
p4617
aVI hate it when my neighbor's kids cry at night. Maybe I should give them back.
p4618
aVWhat's the difference between an Indian and an asshole? One smells like shit and the other is an asshole.
p4619
aVWhy are domestic violence jokes funny? They always have great punchlines
p4620
aVWhat has five teeth and an I.Q. of three? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
p4621
aVDid you hear about the Ethiopian Vs. US soccer game? USA: 8 Ethiopia: Didn't.
p4622
aVHow does a lawyer go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other
p4623
aVHow do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on their grave.
p4624
aVWhat's the difference between England and a tea bag? A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
p4625
aVJesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
p4626
aVI have a joke about pizza and a broken pencil. unfortunately it's cheesy and pointless
p4627
aVWhy is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles? Because he gets stuck on across and can't get down either
p4628
aVWhat do ducks smoke? Qwack
p4629
aVHow do you find a blind man on a nude beach? It is not hard.
p4630
aVDid you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory
p4631
aVHow did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Attractive.
p4632
aVWhy did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts? He couldn't stand all the racket
p4633
aVHow do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until its bill withers.
p4634
aVHow do you drown a hipster? In the main stream
p4635
aVWhy do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are really good at it.
p4636
aVWhat country does fried fish swim in? Greece
p4637
aVWhen I asked my friend how he's doing, he said "man, I'm just happy to be breathing". I told him he should have bigger aspirations.
p4638
aVWhat did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
p4639
aVWhat do you call it when you open a soda for a buddy who is in outer space? An astrofizzassist.
p4640
aVWhat did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
p4641
aVWhat does every Pirate bachelor hate? A small chest with no booty.
p4642
aVWhat's the heaviest soup in Asia? Wonton soup. 
p4643
aVWhat did the gay man say to his cheating boyfriend? I see you already have your shit packed, now get out!
p4644
aVSo this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?" I said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"
p4645
aVWhat do you call a nose with no body? Nobody nose. 
p4646
aVIn what Californian city can you find waffles buried at the beach? Sandy Eggo.
p4647
aVA despondent Notorious B.I.G sits an empty suitcase on his bed & sighs. "I love going on vacation but I hate Tupac."
p4648
aVWhat do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom.
p4649
aVWhy do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
p4650
aVHow many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten-ants 
p4651
aVYo Mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
p4652
aVWhen do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot 
p4653
aVWhat's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.
p4654
aVHow's an online college degree like a small pizza? Neither feeds a family of four.
p4655
aVCan Mississippi wear Delaware's New Jersey? I don't know but Alaska
p4656
aVWhat do you call a hooker who likes noodles? A Pastatute
p4657
aVWhat do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen? Carlos
p4658
aVHow do you know you let a hippie stay at your house? He's still there.
p4659
aVWhat happened when the reporter fell into the water? She became an anchor
p4660
aVHow can a room full of couples be empty? There isn't a single person left. 
p4661
aVWhat do you call an invisible mom that got a sex change. Transparent
p4662
aVDid you hear about the Mexican train hijacker? They say he had loco motives.
p4663
aVI combined all of the watches I own into a belt. It was a complete waste of time. 
p4664
aVWhat did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? she choked.
p4665
aVWhat do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic 
p4666
aVWhat do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors? A reptile dysfunction
p4667
aVWhy did the banker eat lunch by himself? Because he was a loaner.
p4668
aVWife: Why are you home so early?\u000a\u000aHusband: My boss told me to go to hell.
p4669
aVWhat do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude 
p4670
aVWhy couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked. 
p4671
aVHow do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool. "Please get out of the pool".
p4672
aVWomen are like hurricanes. First they blow you and then you lose your house.
p4673
aVWhy is the alcoholic law student sad? Because he couldn't pass the bar.
p4674
aVWhat do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
p4675
aVWhat do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.
p4676
aVWhat do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
p4677
aVHow do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive? Give them a test-tickle
p4678
aVWhat happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon? It got lemonaids
p4679
aVWhat's the difference between an Irish wedding and Irish funeral? One less drunk.
p4680
aVHow are synagogues like lemons?  They're full of acidic juice.
p4681
aVWhat do you call a person who delivers Indian food? Currier.
p4682
aVWhat's the difference between the lavatory and the cemetery? No difference - when you gotta go, you gotta go!
p4683
aVWhat do you call a gay man milking a cow? A Dairy Queen.
p4684
aVWhat's the difference between a hamburger and a prostitute? A hamburger is better with cheese.
p4685
aVWhy did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.
p4686
aVWhat did one math book say to the other? Man, I have problems. 
p4687
aVWhy does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted
p4688
aVWhat do you call a Blonde doing a handstand? A Brunette with bad breath.
p4689
aVWhat's a pirates favorite thing to knit? Scaaaaaarrves 
p4690
aVWhat's the difference between a cactus and a school bus? Cactus has little pricks on the outside
p4691
aVWhat gym equipment does Jesus use? A cross trainer
p4692
aVWhat's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls? NHL Players shower after three periods.
p4693
aVWhy don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls.
p4694
aVWhen can't a pen write out a check? When it's broke. 
p4695
aVYou know I can see 6 years into the future? I have 2020 vision.
p4696
aVWhat's the difference between Jews and Christians? Jews get really angry, but Christians just get a little cross.
p4697
aVWhat do you call sunscreen in Ireland? Pubs
p4698
aVI heard a bunch of Japanese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!" They must be scared of the dark or something.
p4699
aVWhat is a stalker's favorite part of a hospital? The I C U
p4700
aVDid you hear about the bastard frog? It was a tad unexpected. 
p4701
aVA horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?" The horse, unable to understand English, shits on the floor & leaves.
p4702
aVSimba: Dad, what's the Super Bowl? Mufasa: No idea, we're lions.
p4703
aVDid you hear about the hard of hearing Mexican racist? He tried to join the que que que.
p4704
aVWhat do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic
p4705
aVWhat does a donkey proctologist do? Assesses ass' asses.
p4706
aVWhy was the computer tired when it got home? It was running all day. 
p4707
aVWhat does a Gynecologist and a Pizza Boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it
p4708
aVWhat is yellow and lives off dead Beatles? Yoko Ono
p4709
aVWhat do aliens use for currency? Starbucks 
p4710
aVA police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."
p4711
aVWhy should you never date a tennis player? cause love means nothing to them.
p4712
aVWhy did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below C level
p4713
aVWhat rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount rushmore
p4714
aVWhat do you call a Mexican who likes little kids? A Pedro phile
p4715
aVWhy did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business? He got too attached to his work.
p4716
aVWhat do you call a closet full of lesbians? A lick her cabinet.
p4717
aVWhat's every movie critic's favorite cooking ingredient? Michael Bay Leaves. 
p4718
aVWhy was the mathematician late for work? He took the rhombus. 
p4719
aVWhy did the painting go to jail? It was framed. 
p4720
aVHow do you make an octopus laugh? You give it ten tickles.
p4721
aVWhat do you call it when a DJ gets a blowjob while he's on the air? Radiohead
p4722
aVIf you watch Jeopardy backwards it becomes a show where people pay money to ask questions.
p4723
aVWhy did the blind fly starve to death? Because he couldn't see shit.
p4724
aVWhy did the Eskimos have to stop partying? Because they ran out of Natural Light
p4725
aVDon't fart in the apple store. They don't have Windows
p4726
aVWhat was the victim of the car crash wearing? A Casual-Tee
p4727
aVWhat happened to the stressed out redhead? He ginger snapped
p4728
aVWhat is Kanye West's favourite kind of omelette? Omeletteyoufinish
p4729
aVHow often did the asian cow go to the gym? Dairy
p4730
aVWhy did the ghost go into the elevator? To lift his spirits. 
p4731
aVWhy does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
p4732
aVWhat do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster. 
p4733
aVDid you hear about the guy who mixed Viagra and laxatives? He didn't know if he was coming or going.
p4734
aVWhy did the cannibal have an upset stomach? He ate someone who disagreed with him.
p4735
aVWhy did President Kennedy never get drunk? He wasn't very good at taking shots.
p4736
aVWanna hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable!  
p4737
aVA boy w/ diarrhea tells his Mom he needs Viagra. She asks "Why do u need that" He says "That's what u give Dad when his shit won't get hard"
p4738
aVWhy can't ghosts make babies? They have hollow weenies!
p4739
aVI saw a cop pull over a U Haul today. Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
p4740
aVWhat happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.
p4741
aVWhat do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know it all!
p4742
aVI'm sick and tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.
p4743
aVWhy has the pope never won a gold medal?  Because he always came in a little behind.
p4744
aVWhat did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other? Lets get Jobs!
p4745
aVWhat does diarrhea and a bar fight have in common? Blood on your stool.
p4746
aVHow do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch 
p4747
aVHave you ever seen the inside of an ac compressor? It's really cool. 
p4748
aVHow do you keep men on their toes? Raise the urinals
p4749
aVWhy did Tony the Tiger go to prison? RRRrrrrrrrrrrrape!
p4750
aVWho's the world's most famous blacksmith? Will Smith
p4751
aVWhat do cannibals like to drink in the morning? Bloody Mary
p4752
aVHow do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a goose.  
p4753
aVWhy did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
p4754
aVWhat does seven days without exercise make? One weak 
p4755
aVWhy did the introduction and the conclusion break up? Because they were never on the same page
p4756
aVAsked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said, "it is, and dont call me Shirley". Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
p4757
aVWhat do you call a mathematician at the beach? A tan gent.
p4758
aVWhat did the Mexican say when he was upset? I don't want to taco bout it because it's nacho business. 
p4759
aVWhat did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked to join a classical music costume contest?  "I'll be Bach"
p4760
aVWhat do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear. 
p4761
aVWhy does Ariel from the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because the B-shells won't fit.
p4762
aVWhy don't U2's lawyers ever make any money? All their work is pro Bono.
p4763
aVWhy did the flattened can of Coke want to off itself? Because it was soda pressed!
p4764
aVDid you hear about the guy who won the anal sex competition? He actually came in the #2 spot.
p4765
aVWhat did the writer say when he glued himself to his book? That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 
p4766
aVWhat do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bale.
p4767
aVI phoned in sick today. Boss: "Exactly how sick are you?" Me: "Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."
p4768
aVI broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens' shoes. Bitches be trippin.
p4769
aVDid you hear about the girl who was dating the guy with the wooden leg? She broke it off 
p4770
aV9/11 jokes are just plane wrong.
p4771
aVGot fired today because I was caught masturbating with a vegetable. Nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
p4772
aVWhat do you call an angry German? A sour kraut.
p4773
aVHow do you kill a circus? Go straight for the juggler
p4774
aVWhy are New Yorkers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
p4775
aVWhy should Steve Irwin have put on sunscreen? To protect himself from the harmful rays.
p4776
aVHow do you feel when there's no more coffee? Depresso 
p4777
aVWhy did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce? He was making up for lost thyme.  
p4778
aVHow are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred
p4779
aVI decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies just for shits and giggles
p4780
aVWhat's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE
p4781
aVDid you hear about the rabbi who had to circumcise elephants? The pay was terrible but the tips were huge!
p4782
aVWhy do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of 3? Because the sign says no tres-passing. 
p4783
aVYou know what gets me down? An extra chromosome
p4784
aVWhere do naughty rays of light go? Prism 
p4785
aVA guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks how long till he can get a haircut. The barber replies, "About another half inch." 
p4786
aVIf a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies? A Swallow.
p4787
aVMy new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.
p4788
aVThey say shoe size is directly related to penis size. That makes the fear of clowns even worse
p4789
aVWhy couldn't anyone hear Helen Keller scream? She was wearing mittens.
p4790
aVWhat do you call a boat that gives fresh breath? A Shipmint! 
p4791
aVWhy did the Irish call their currency the "Punt"? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager
p4792
aVWhy are gay men so great at fashion? They've spent so much time in the closet.
p4793
aVWhich U.S. state abbreviation is the best? I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK. 
p4794
aVWhy did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke. 
p4795
aVWhen can women make you a millionaire? When you're a billionaire.
p4796
aVWhy are there only 239 beans in Irish stew? Because one more, and it'd be too farty.
p4797
aVWhat does a toilet, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men usually miss all three.
p4798
aVHow can you tell if Asians have broken into your house? The dog is gone, the homework is done, & they're still trying to leave your driveway
p4799
aVWhat does a guy with two right feet wear to the beach? Flop-flops. 
p4800
aVWhat's the square root of 69? Eight something.
p4801
aVHow can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant? She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.
p4802
aVWhat's the definition of a will? Come on, guys. The answer's a dead giveaway. 
p4803
aVJokes about German sausage are the wurst!
p4804
aVMy friend keeps telling me to stop impersonating butter. I can't, I'm on a roll now. 
p4805
aVWhat did the Jewish pedophile say? "Would you like to buy some candy"
p4806
aVSorry for the lack of updates. Will continue in the next couple of days
p4807
aVWhy doesn't Spiderman like rice? It reminds him of Uncle Ben.
p4808
aVWhy did the book get stitches? Because he had his appendix removed. 
p4809
aVWhat did the DJ order from the deli? A club sandwich with extra beets.
p4810
aVWhere do hippos go to school? The Hippocampus 
p4811
aVWhy was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License? Because she got an F in sex.
p4812
aVHow do you blindfold an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
p4813
aVMost of my family has diarrhea. It runs in our jeans
p4814
aVDid you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom? He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.
p4815
aVWhat do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up
p4816
aVWhat did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? If we stick together, we can stop this shit. 
p4817
aVWhy are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
p4818
aVDid I ever post my Alzheimer's joke? I don't remember
p4819
aVHow does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.  
p4820
aVGot slapped by a girl for asking "Do you spit or swallow?" I thought this was a reasonable question since we were at a wine tasting session
p4821
aVWhat is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1
p4822
aVWhat sexual position creates the ugliest kids? Ask your parents. 
p4823
aVHow do you turn a fruit into a vegetable. You give him AIDS
p4824
aVDid you hear about the murder mystery porno? In the end, everyone did it.
p4825
aVMy friends think I'm too indecisive. I don't know what to think of that
p4826
aVBreasts are like beer. Men may state a preference, but we'll take whatever's on tap.
p4827
aVWhy was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face-off in the corner.
p4828
aVWhat did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"
p4829
aVI saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.
p4830
aVWhat do you call a little Mexican? A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.
p4831
aVWhat doesn't belong? Lobster, crab, tuna, or a Chinese man run over by a bus? Tuna. All others are crustaceans
p4832
aVWhere do senior citizens often go to the restroom? Depends
p4833
aVWhat do you call a poor Italian neighborhood? A speghetto. 
p4834
aVDid you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives
p4835
aVWhy did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas? Tibet 
p4836
aVWhat should you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man. 
p4837
aVI saw this wino lying in a gutter eating grapes, I was like, "bro, you have to wait."
p4838
aVWhy did they have to cancel the volleyball games in the special olympics? It wasn't going over too well.
p4839
aVWhy did the female dog have trouble getting a gun after the background check law passed? Cuz Bitches be crazy.
p4840
aVWhy did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant? He got crêped out. 
p4841
aVThe man who invented the "VELCRO" died today. RIP.
p4842
aVWhy did Isaac Newton's son know so much about gravity? The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
p4843
aVWhat did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè
p4844
aVWhy did the traffic light turn red? You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street. 
p4845
aVHow many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares? They never get the house anyway. 
p4846
aVWhat's the best dating service in India? Connect the dots.
p4847
aVWhy did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he might get a hole in one. 
p4848
aVWhere do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. 
p4849
aVWhat do you call a deaf man with no limbs? Whatever you want.
p4850
aVWhy did the homeless man vote for Obama? Because he promised change.
p4851
aVWhat did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? " I made you breakfast in bed!"
p4852
aVWhat's long, black, and dangerous to cut? The line at KFC.
p4853
aVHear the one about the miscarriage? I overheard it yesterday. The joke was funny but the delivery was all wrong
p4854
aVWhy did the minus sign run for office? To make a difference. 
p4855
aVAt my job I realized that some ass was giving names to all of the food in the refrigerator. Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'.
p4856
aVWhat does a perverted frog say? Rubbit.
p4857
aVhy was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering A minor.
p4858
aVWhy does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted!
p4859
aVDid you hear about the guy with the invisible penis? He came out of nowhere.
p4860
aVWhat music do chickens listen to? Bach
p4861
aVWhat do you call a girl that raps about women rights? Feminem. 
p4862
aVDo Asian midgets take photos on their iPad Minis?
p4863
aVWhat's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath? One has hope in her soul..
p4864
aVWhy was the mentally challenged midget crying? He was a little down.
p4865
aVWhat do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
p4866
aVWhat do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator. 
p4867
aVWhat do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky
p4868
aVWhat do trees take when they have a headache? Aleve. 
p4869
aVWhat do fat chicks and brick walls have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
p4870
aVWhat do a pimp and a redneck have in common? They both know how to throw a good hoe down.
p4871
aVIt makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much. Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.
p4872
aVWhat did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument? Good point
p4873
aVWhat do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
p4874
aVWhat's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
p4875
aVWhat did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? "Is it mine"?
p4876
aVWhy did the blonde starve to death? Her new phone came with a little packet in the box that said, "Do not eat."
p4877
aVHow do you know that your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.
p4878
aVWhat do you get when you run over a goose? Goose bumps.
p4879
aVNew health study on the psychology of midgets shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy
p4880
aVIf you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European
p4881
aVWhat do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha Ching
p4882
aVWhy didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant? He comes in a bottle.
p4883
aVDid you know 80% of Chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive Rincolns.
p4884
aVWhat do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed.
p4885
aVWhy do you never buy a woman a watch? Because there's a clock on the stove.
p4886
aVWhy don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three? Because it says "No Trespassing".
p4887
aVWhat does a necrophiliac get at a funeral? Mourning wood
p4888
aVWhy don't they have gambling in Africa? There are too many cheetahs.
p4889
aVWhat did the judge order in his whiskey? Just ice
p4890
aVWhat do you call an obese psychic? A four chin teller.
p4891
aVI wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period. So I had to pull some strings.
p4892
aVWhat does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds. 
p4893
aVWhat do you guys think of message boards? I'm all forum. 
p4894
aVI was at a wedding the other day. It was so moving, even the cake was in tiers. 
p4895
aVHear about the cross-eyed teacher? She just couldn't control her pupils.
p4896
aVDid you hear about the man who enjoyed having sex with fruit? Some people say he's not too weird, but I still think he's fucking bananas.
p4897
aVHow do you pick up a smokin' hot Jewish girl? Broom and a Dustpan.
p4898
aVI organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a great time.
p4899
aVWhy did Mr. Grape leave Mrs. Grape? He was tired of raisin kids. 
p4900
aVWhy did the banker dump his girlfriend? He lost interest. 
p4901
aVWhat do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. 
p4902
aVWhat animal has two gray feet and two brown feet? An elephant with diarrhea.
p4903
aVWhy don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas.
p4904
aVDid you hear about the women who got wooden breast implants? A punchline would be funny here, Wooden Tit?
p4905
aVWhy did the snowman take his pants off? He heard the snow blower was coming.
p4906
aVWhy don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians don't like any witnesses..
p4907
aVHow do you invite a Native Alaskan to your home? You Eskimover. 
p4908
aVWhy do you never tease a fat girl with lisp? Because she's thick and tired of it.
p4909
aVHow do you make a woman blind? Put a windshield in front of her.
p4910
aVWhy did the chicken go to KFC? To see a chicken strip.
p4911
aVHow does a dog catcher get paid? By the pound.
p4912
aVWhy can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
p4913
aVWhat did Earth say to the other planets? Wow, you guys have no life.
p4914
aVI accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles. My next dump could spell disaster
p4915
aVA painter billed me $0 after finishing painting my house. I asked, why $0? He said: "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
p4916
aVWhat concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
p4917
aVWhat does an angry pepper do? It gets jalepeño face. 
p4918
aVI had a dog with no legs. I named him cigarette so I could take him for a drag.
p4919
aVWhat did the melon tell her boyfriend when he proposed? Yes but we cantaloupe. 
p4920
aVWhy was the orphan so successful? When they told him "go big or go home", he only had one option.
p4921
aVWhy are hipsters such great assassins? Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.
p4922
aVWhats the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has dates.
p4923
aVWhat's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
p4924
aVHow do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
p4925
aVDid you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary? It's a play on words. 
p4926
aVWhat do you do with 365 used condoms? ll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear
p4927
aVWhat do you call it when a girl wipes back to front? A Choco-Taco
p4928
aVWhy does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
p4929
aVWhat do you call a black man selling drugs? A pharmacist, you racist.
p4930
aVHow do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles 
p4931
aVHow do you turn a Fox into an Elephant? Marry her.
p4932
aVHow many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!
p4933
aVThere are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see? His but-quack.
p4934
aVHave you heard about the Italian chef? He pasta way 
p4935
aVWhat did Arnold Schwarzenegger say about the baritone? It's not a tuba.
p4936
aVWhat do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.
p4937
aVDid you know drinking beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.
p4938
aVWhat do you call a bunch of high Mexicans? Baked Beans
p4939
aVWhat's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on
p4940
aVHow do you make a woman angry and sick at the same time? Cholera, bitch.
p4941
aVDid you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drowned in his tea pee.
p4942
aVWhy don't chickens wear undies? Because their peckers are on their faces.
p4943
aVWhy does the hipster make crappy coffee? The beans are always under-ground.
p4944
aVWhat do fat girls and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
p4945
aVWhat do you call a food that turns black people on? An afro-disiac.
p4946
aVI got fired from my job at Pepsi..I tested positive for Coke.
p4947
aVWhat does a redneck and yeast have in common? They are both in-bread. 
p4948
aVAt what point does a Lamb become a Sheep? When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah! 
p4949
aVWhy was the little ink blot so unhappy? Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be. 
p4950
aVWhat do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common? They're both easy to piss off.
p4951
aVDid you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? When he found out, the guy went nut.
p4952
aVWhy did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest? Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.
p4953
aVHave you heard the one about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
p4954
aVHow does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
p4955
aVWhat did the wall say when a fish ran into it? Dumb Bass 
p4956
aVWhat's the difference between an outlaw and an in- law? Outlaws are wanted. 
p4957
aVWhat do you call twin policemen? Copies. 
p4958
aVWhat did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? OH SNaP!
p4959
aVTo whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word. 
p4960
aVIf Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called Algorithms.
p4961
aVWhat do you call a cow's mate? Its significant udder. 
p4962
aVHave you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.
p4963
aVHave you guys heard the story about the butter? You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around. 
p4964
aVHow many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
p4965
aVWhat do you call a Mexican with no car? Joaquin.
p4966
aVDid you hear about the Muslim Party? It was a blast.
p4967
aVDid you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction. 
p4968
aVWhat did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!
p4969
aVWhat did the baby corn say to momma corn? Where is popcorn. 
p4970
aVWhat do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? One hundred sowsand bucks 
p4971
aVDid you hear about the new "emo" grass? People love it because it cuts itself.
p4972
aVWhat does the highest paid WNBA player make? Sandwiches.
p4973
aVWhat did Jeffrey Dahmer sing as he went to the refrigerator? My Bologna had a first name.
p4974
aVWhat do you call a vegetarian crocodile in Egypt? a Croc-in-de-Nile.
p4975
aVWhats the difference between a fish and a piano? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
p4976
aVWhat do you call a dead Mexican? Dearly deported.
p4977
aVWhy doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
p4978
aVWhat is the difference between a Mercedes and a Lexus? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Lexus
p4979
aVWhat's the difference between iron-man and iron woman? One is a superhero and the other is a command.
p4980
aVAs i handed my mom her 60th birthday card today she said "One would've been enough". 
p4981
aVWhy can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he doesn't know if he's black or white.
p4982
aVWhat happened to the two ants who got into a fight on a toilet seat? They got pissed off. 
p4983
aVHow can you tell the Indians were here in America first? They had reservations.
p4984
aVWhy is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb? Many hands make light work.
p4985
aVWhy was 6 afraid of 7? Because seven was a six offender.
p4986
aVWhat do sea monsters like to eat? Fish and ships
p4987
aVWhat did one stoplight say to the other stoplight? Don't look! I'm changing!
p4988
aVWhy is Bon Jovi's bed always messy? Because he doesn't think it matters if you make it or not.
p4989
aVWhat does the Chicago Cubs' name stand for? Completely Useless By September.
p4990
aVCalled my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter. I will not be coming into work today.
p4991
aVWhy should honeymoons only last six days? Because seven days makes a hole weak.
p4992
aVDid you hear about the apartment building that got blown up? Roomers were flying around.
p4993
aVI just found out my girlfriend has 50,000 bees. I think she's a keeper.
p4994
aVWhat do my son and wine have in common? They're both white, two years old, and in a box in my refrigerator.
p4995
aV"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying, but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted.
p4996
aVI bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
p4997
aVWhy did the guy have Ben Franklin tattooed on his penis? His girlfriend was great at blowing 100 bucks.
p4998
aVWhat's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.
p4999
aVWhat do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Holy Roller
p5000
aVHow does a Lead Guitar player change a light bulb? He doesn't, he just steals someone else's light!
p5001
aVWhat do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph, because they're too short to be an essay.
p5002
aVWhy didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!
p5003
aVWhy don't robot chickens play basketball? Too many technical fowls 
p5004
aVWhat can be found in a Judge's freezer? Just ice.
p5005
aVHow many SEO experts does it take to change a lightbulb? lightbulbs buy light bulbs neon lights sex porn
p5006
aVWhat might a farmer put on his resume? Works well with udders. 
p5007
aVWhat did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam
p5008
aVWhat's a Jewish dilemma? Free Ham.
p5009
aVHow do color blind people see porn? In fifty shades of gray. 
p5010
aVDid you hear about the new farmers dating site? It's full of hoes.
p5011
aVWhat do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor.
p5012
aVHow are Bungee jumping and visiting a prostitute alike? If the rubber breaks, you're dead.
p5013
aVI broke up with a Japanese girl last week. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
p5014
aVHow do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.
p5015
aVWhat happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
p5016
aVWhat do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike
p5017
aVWhy do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women can't resist anything 25% off.
p5018
aVWhat's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken. 
p5019
aVHave you heard of the corduroy pillow? Its making headlines.
p5020
aVI'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a midget because he under stands.
p5021
aVWhy did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay
p5022
aVDid you hear that David Copperfield has aids now? Yea, he was doing Magic.
p5023
aVWhy did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side.
p5024
aVWhy was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans 
p5025
aVWhat does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both can be used to carry vegetables. 
p5026
aVWhy did the hipster go kayaking in a tributary? Rivers are too mainstream. 
p5027
aVHow do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush. 
p5028
aVWhat's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it would be the arrr but it's really the sea.
p5029
aVWhat do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad 
p5030
aVDid you know that trampolines used to actually be called jumpolines? That is, until 1982 when your mom got on one. 
p5031
aVWhy do scuba divers fall backwards out of boats? If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat. 
p5032
aVWhat did sushi A say to sushi B? WASSA-B!
p5033
aVWhy don't North Koreans go to heaven? Because they have no Seoul
p5034
aVHow do you know that adam and eve were white? have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man.
p5035
aVHow do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her like an alter boy.
p5036
aVWhat's the worst thing your wife can say during sex? Honey I'm home
p5037
aVDoes a rabbi charge a lot for circumcisions? No. He just keeps the tips.
p5038
aVWhat's the cheapest kind of meat? Deer balls, They're under a buck!
p5039
aVWhy did the hippie drown? Because he was too far out, man.
p5040
aVWhy are Native Americans the most successful strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.
p5041
aVDid you hear, there's no more ice in Poland? The old lady with the recipe died
p5042
aVWhat's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. 
p5043
aVWhat's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
p5044
aVWhat do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
p5045
aVHow many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change
p5046
aVWhat's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
p5047
aVHow do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "Fuck"? You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"
p5048
aVWhat do you call water that bounces? Spring water. 
p5049
aVHow does a Jewish mother change a light bulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."
p5050
aVWhat's the worst part about locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? Going in and asking for a coat hanger.
p5051
aVWhat has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes? 12 pirates. 
p5052
aVA Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"
p5053
aVWhy can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex clap? Because they're dead.
p5054
aVHow many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but they have to be really small.
p5055
aVHow many ears does Spock have? Three: A right ear A left ear A final frontear. 
p5056
aVWhat did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support or people are gunna think we're nuts.
p5057
aVWhat did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around
p5058
aVWhat did Mr.T say when he saw a fat lady at the bar? I pity the stool!
p5059
aVWhat did the Italian say when the eel swam by? That's a Moray.
p5060
aVDid you hear about how the Police were called to a daycare yesterday? A three-year-old was resisting a rest
p5061
aVWhy can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.
p5062
aVWant to hear a joke about sodium? Na 
p5063
aVWhat does it take to please an Amish woman? Two Mennonite.
p5064
aVHow do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night? Take away their beds
p5065
aVWhat's the difference between an arts student and a table? A table can support itself 
p5066
aVWhat do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
p5067
aVWhat is Michael Jackson's favorite note? F minor. 
p5068
aVWhat does R. Kelly say when he's mad at his kid? Urine trouble. 
p5069
aVWhat do you call an alligator in a vest? Investigator
p5070
aVDid you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? They say that he's a seasoned veteran.
p5071
aVWhat do you call a hot dog with a sweater? A chili dog 
p5072
aVDo zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
p5073
aVWhy is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping? In case your other agus breaks. 
p5074
aVWhat do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large 
p5075
aVWhat did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breath through something so small?" 
p5076
aVYou hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.
p5077
aVWhat's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
p5078
aVHow many 11s does it take to change a lightbulb? 9. 9 11 changed everything.
p5079
aVWhat's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
p5080
aVWhat's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis
p5081
aVWhy doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids? Every time his wife gets hot, he smacks her with a shovel.
p5082
aVWhy do so many American kids die in school shootings? They're not allowed to run in the halls.
p5083
aVWho's Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy.
p5084
aVWhat's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
p5085
aVWhat's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period.
p5086
aVDid you hear the one about the streaker who ran naked through a church? The priest caught him by the organ.
p5087
aVHow many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they have to do it during dinner.
p5088
aVWhat's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer either way.
p5089
aVWhat happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller. 
p5090
aVI ordered an Asian Hooker, she arrived 2 hours late. She loves me wrong time.
p5091
aVWant to hear a joke about pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesy. 
p5092
aVWhy is it called PMS? Because mad cow disease was taken.
p5093
aVWhat do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
p5094
aVThe frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
p5095
aVSomebody threw some cheese at me in the supermarket the other day. I thought to myself "How dairy."
p5096
aVWhat do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen 
p5097
aVHow do you make an archaeolgist mad? Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.
p5098
aVHow do you make Holy water? You boil the Hell out of it. 
p5099
aVWhy did Michael Jackson love to shop at Sears? He heard little boy's pants were half off. 
p5100
aVWhat does a Mexican cut his pizza with? Little Caesars
p5101
aVWhat's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
p5102
aVWhat's a thesaurus's favorite cereal? Synonym Toast Crunch
p5103
aVWhat did the left nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick.
p5104
aVWhat do sperm and politicians have in common? About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.
p5105
aVWhat do terrorists do on vacation? They go waterboarding.
p5106
aVWhat do you call a leper in a jacuzzi? Stew.
p5107
aVWhy was the pig in the kitchen? It was bacon.
p5108
aVWhat do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decaffeinated
p5109
aVWhat do you get for stealing a slut's vegetables? Her peas.
p5110
aVWhat do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Senior have in common? Their last hit was the wall.
p5111
aVWhen does 1+1=3? When you don't use a condom.
p5112
aVWhat's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.
p5113
aVWhat's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You just know she'll swallow.
p5114
aVDo you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen did last year? Enough to kill 2 and 1/2 men.
p5115
aVWhat does it taste like when you go down on a old lady? Depends...
p5116
aVMexican and Black jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
p5117
aVWhy does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.
p5118
aVHow did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his dinner before it was cool.
p5119
aVWhat's the difference between sex and golf? In golf one bad hole won't kill you.
p5120
aVWhat do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decalfinated
p5121
aVWhy is chili so annoying? Because it's always Jalopeño business.
p5122
aVWhat do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
p5123
aVWhat did Arnold Schwarzenegger say before he began his chess game? I'll be black.
p5124
aVWhy can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would a foot. 
p5125
aVWhat's long and hard on a black man? The first grade.
p5126
aVDid you hear Mary had sex with god for cash? She just wanted to make a little prophet.
p5127
aVWhat gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
p5128
aVWhat do you call a female peacock? A peacunt.
p5129
aVWho picks up shit from a seeing eye dog?
p5130
aVWhat do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common? Someone didn't pull it out in time.
p5131
aVWhat's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.
p5132
aVWhat do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.
p5133
aVHow can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.
p5134
aVWhat do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass
p5135
aVWhy did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
p5136
aVWhat do you do to a chemist after they die? You barium.
p5137
aVI've been reading a book about the history of glue. I can't put it down!
p5138
aVWhat do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? A seizure salad.
p5139
aVHow much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
p5140
aVWhat kind of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon.
p5141
aVDid you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
p5142
aVWhy did Hitler commit suicide? Because he got his gas bill.
p5143
aVHow do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.
p5144
aVMarriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you'd a club and a spade.
p5145
aVHow do you make a dead baby float? Add 2 scoops of ice cream. 
p5146
aVMichael J. Fox accidentally erases everything he draws on an Etch-a-Sketch.
p5147
aVEver had Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
p5148
aVWhat does one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.
p5149
aVWhy can't you fool an aborted baby? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
p5150
aVWhat did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing.
p5151
aVThere are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
p5152
aVA man gets the words "I LOVE YOU" tattooed on his penis. His wife tells him "Quit putting words in my mouth!"
p5153
aVMy love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
p5154
aVWhy didn't the skeleton ask anyone on a date? He didn't have the guts!
p5155
aVWhy did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.
p5156
aVIf you spin a Chinese man around a hundred times does he get disoriented?
p5157
aVA dwarf got pick-pocketed the other day. How could they stoop so low?
p5158
aVA horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse.
p5159
aVWhat do you call the first Irish woman ever created? The McRib.
p5160
aVWhat do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice!
p5161
aVPiracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook.
p5162
aVAre you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.
p5163
aVHow do pigs get to a hospital? By riding in a hambulance.
p5164
aVA person went to a coffee shop. The waiter asked, "Do you want your coffee black?" The person replied, "What other colors do you have?"
p5165
aVWhy did the scientist disconnect his doorbell? He wanted to win the Nobel Prize.
p5166
aVA few weeks ago, two cartoonists entered a contest. The result was a draw.
p5167
aVDid you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident? He's alright.
p5168
aVA guy walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's slowly killing his family.
p5169
aVWhat would you get if your donkey ate the legs off my rooster? Two feet of my cock in your ass.
p5170
aVWhat do you call a puppy in a desert? A hot dog. 
p5171
aVWhat is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
p5172
aVHow do you clear out a veterans bingo hall? B 52.
p5173
aVWhat do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.
p5174
aVWhat is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
p5175
aVWhere do you find a zebra? 25 letters after A, bra.
p5176
aVWhat's gray, full of cement, and howls at the moon? A coyote (I just added the cement to make it harder).
p5177
aVWhat does a clock do when its hungry? Go back for seconds.
p5178
aVWhy do rednecks like Halloween? Because they can Pump-Kin.
p5179
aVHave you heard my under construction joke? It's not done yet.
p5180
aVThis girl came up to me and said she recognised me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
p5181
aVThere's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period. It's an ovary action.
p5182
aVI went to Seoul the other day to sell fluorescent markers. It was the highlight of my Korea.
p5183
aVKnock knock  Who's there?  Britney Spears  Britney Spears who?  Knock knock  ... Who's there?  Oops I did it again.
p5184
aVWho's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy.
p5185
aVMy wife was gang raped by a group of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on her.
p5186
aVYou can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose
p5187
aVThere are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
p5188
aVYour head is so big, your ears are in different time zones.
p5189
aVWhy did Jesus quit playing hockey? He was tired of getting nailed to the boards.
p5190
aVMy wife is a famous porn star. She would be pissed if she found out.
p5191
aVA priest, a rabbi, and a blind man walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?
p5192
aVWhat did the buffalo say to its kid when it went to school? Bison.
p5193
aVTwo soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and goes, "Blublublub!"
p5194
aVWhat's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
p5195
aVWhats the difference between two dicks and a joke? You can't take a joke.
p5196
aVWhat's the difference between a mistress and a wife? About 30 pounds.
p5197
aVDid you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRGH.
p5198
aVWhy is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides
p5199
aVWhat do you call a pig with three eyes. Piiig.
p5200
aVWhat do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaains.
p5201
aVDid you blow bubbles as a kid? Well, he's back in town and wants his money back.
p5202
aVIn a Catholic boarding school, how do you know when to go to bed? The big hand touches the little hand.
p5203
aVWhat do ninjas drink? WATAH!
p5204
aVWhat's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise.
p5205
aVWhat do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco
p5206
aVWhy did Gateway computers go out of business? Because they led to stronger and addictive computers.
p5207
aVI used to know a joke about the hippocampus, but I forgot it.
p5208
aVA guy walked into a bar. He got a light concussion.
p5209
aVWhat's a Canadian's favorite letter? A.
p5210
aVA seal walks into a club. The doorman takes his coat.
p5211
aVMy friend was just buried in a cemetery. It's okay, he was dying to get in.
p5212
aVWhy can't you fool an aborted baby? He wasn't born yesterday.
p5213
aVWhat did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
p5214
aVWhy do mermaids wear seashells? They're too big for B-shells and too small for D-shells.
p5215
aVWhat do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
p5216
aVTwo peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-SALTED.
p5217
aVWhy didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts for it.
p5218
aVWhat does the Sun drink out of? Sunglasses.
p5219
aVWhat did the dog say to the tree? Bark.
p5220
aVWhat do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.
p5221
aVWhat does an elephant use for a vibrator? An epileptic sheep.
p5222
aVWhat do you get if you cross a traffic warden with a dog? A barking ticket.
p5223
aVDid you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand.
p5224
aVHow many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only Juan.
p5225
aVWhat's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa kept it down to three hos.
p5226
aVA neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
p5227
aVHow can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.
p5228
aVHow many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's an obscure number you've probably never heard of.
p5229
aV"President Bush is going to visit the Vatican. He says he's looking forward to meeting the Pope and Mrs. Pope."
p5230
aVWhat's the temperature in Motown right now? Three degrees, four tops.
p5231
aVWhat did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.
p5232
aVWhat did the Zombie plumber cry? DRAAAAAINS. 
p5233
aVWhy don't dinosaurs talk? Because they're dead.
p5234
aVNever hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 
p5235
aVWhat's the worst part about two black guys going over a cliff in a van? They were my friends.
p5236
aVNever get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
p5237
aVWar does not determine who is right \u2013 only who is left.
p5238
aVWomen should not have children after 50. Really\u2026 50 children are enough.
p5239
aVWhat do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me".
p5240
aVWhat's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
p5241
aVA horse walks into a bar, the barman says, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "I have cancer."
p5242
aVIf you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
p5243
aVWhat's the difference between a mailbox and an elephant's asshole? You don't know? Remind me not to give you a letter to mail.
p5244
aVTo my wife in bed - "Give me a Chilean Miner!" Her - "What's that?" Me- "Go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there 'til Christmas!"
p5245
aVTwo men walk into a bar, and the third one ducks.
p5246
aVA termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bar tender here?".
p5247
aVDid you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.
p5248
aVA man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.
p5249
aVWhat kind of soup weighs 2000 lbs? Won ton soup.
p5250
aVWhat did Paris Hilton's left leg say to her right leg? nothing, they're never together. 
p5251
aVWhat do you call a female deer that's pickled? A dill doe. 
p5252
aVWhat did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrist's shower? Well, that's another load off of my chest.
p5253
aVWhat do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stew.
p5254
aVI picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
p5255
aVWhat do Mexicans and beans have in common? They both smell like beans.
p5256
aVWhat lies at the bottom of the ocean and quivers? A nervous wreck. 
p5257
aVwhy dont vampires bite divorced MEN? beccause they have already been drained dry..
p5258
aVWhy don't cannibals eat divorced women? They're bitter.
p5259
aVMy friend drowned, and at the funeral, we got him flowers in the shape of a life vest. It's what he would have wanted.
p5260
aVWhat's worse than a joke about shit? A joke about shit that's corny.
p5261
aVAs a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
p5262
aVWhat did Santa Claus\u2019s wife say during a thunderstorm? Come and look at the rain, dear.
p5263
aVA comedian entered a joke contest and sent in ten of his best one-liners and waited to see if he had won. Sadly no pun in ten did.
p5264
aVWhat do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed-deer.
p5265
aVWhat do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.
p5266
aVWhat's brown and sticky? A stick.
p5267
aVWhat do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.
p5268
aVWhy was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he's a fungi.
p5269
aVThere are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
p5270
aVWhy don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be called bagels!
p5271
aVA man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.
p5272
aVWhy did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee was blowing fowls.
p5273
aVWhat do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto!
p5274
aVWhat's positive about Africa? H.I.V.
p5275
aVWhat's the worst part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe? Maggots.
p5276
aVWhat's worse than finding a worm in you apple? Finding half a worm.
p5277
aVWhat's the worst thing a mother can say to her child? I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!
p5278
aVWhat's the most successful pickup line ever? "Does this smell like chloroform?"
p5279
aVHow do you get a woman to stop giving blowjobs? Marry her.
p5280
aVWhats green, slimy and smells like ham? Kermit the Frog's finger.
p5281
aVWhat's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
p5282
aVA baby seal walks into a club...
p5283
aVHow do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.
p5284
aVMenstrual jokes are not funny. Period.
p5285
aVHolocaust jokes aren't funny. Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.
p5286
aVDid you hear the joke about the deaf guy who walked into a bar? no! neither did he...
p5287
aVHow many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go see a movie?
p5288
aVA man walks into a bar and says "ow".
p5289
aVWhat do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA
p5290
aVI like my women like I like my whiskey, Twelve years old and mixed up with coke.
p5291
aVWhat's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!
p5292
aVWhat do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You done told her twice.
p5293
aVWhat did the Mexican say when his term paper flew out the window? - "Where you goin', essay?"
p5294
aVBorrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.
p5295
aVWhat's the difference between a musician and a large cheese pizza? A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.
p5296
aVWhat do you call a black man who fixes your toilet? You call him a plumber you racist!
p5297
aVWhat did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
p5298
aVHow many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Feminists can't change shit.
p5299
aVIf you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
p5300
aVWhat do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
p5301
aVWhere does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
p5302
aVWhat is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs
p5303
aVWhat has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
p5304
aVWhat did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
p5305
aVWhy don't blondes have elevator jobs? They don't know the route.
p5306
aVHow can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
p5307
aVWhat do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant
p5308
aVWhat do you call two skunks that are 69ing? Odor eaters
p5309
aVDid you hear about the Christmas themed porn? Jesus gets nailed.
p5310
aVYo Mama is so fat it takes 3 warlocks to summon her.
p5311
aVYo mama is so stupid, it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
p5312
aVYo mama is so worn out, she has to have a baby just to get off.
p5313
aVYo Mama is so fat, her nickname is "DAMN!"
p5314
aVYo mama is so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.
p5315
aVYo mama is so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.
p5316
aVYo Mama is so fat she sat on a dollar and made four quarters.
p5317
aVYo Mama is so fat, I told the bitch to haul ass and it took her two trips.
p5318
aVYo Mama is so ugly, it affects her self-esteem.
p5319
aVYo Mama is so stupid she enjoys the musical stylings of Nickelback.
p5320
aVYo Mama is so fat she uses the equator as her belt.
p5321
aVYo Mama is so fat that smaller fat people orbit around her.
p5322
aVYo Mama is so dumb, she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
p5323
aVYo mama is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.
p5324
aVYo mama is so fat, that when she stepped on a scale, it said "to be continued"
p5325
aVYo mama is so fat she has diabetes and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
p5326
aVYo mama is so fat she needs a passport to roll over.
p5327
aVYo mama is so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her.
p5328
aVYo mama is so old that when I told her to act her own age she died.
p5329
aVYo mama is so desperate she had sex with me!
p5330
aVYo mama is so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
p5331
aVYo mama is so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.
p5332
aVYo Mama is so fat her BMI is measured in acres.
p5333
aVYo mama is so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
p5334
aVYo Mama is so fat that when she died and was cremated, her ash caused the cancellation of flights across Europe.
p5335
aVYo mama is so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.
p5336
aVYo mama is so fat on the sixth day god created her.
p5337
aVYo mama is so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
p5338
aVYo Mama is so ugly, she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother".
p5339
aVYo mama is so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
p5340
aVYo mama is so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth.
p5341
aVYo mama is so old she farts dust.
p5342
aVYo mama is so old her social security number is 1!
p5343
aVYo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
p5344
aVWhy was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
p5345
aVWhat did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
p5346
aVDid you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
p5347
aVWhy did Michael Jackson start the race 10 minutes late? He wanted to come in a little behind.
p5348
aVWe live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
p5349
aVCrowded elevators smell different to midgets.
p5350
aVA girl went into the doctor's office with a strawberry up her ass. The doctor said I've got some "cream" for that.
p5351
aVWhat is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.
p5352
aVWhy was the Energizer Bunny arrested? He was charged with battery.
p5353
aVA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
p5354
aVThe fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.
p5355
aVJesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
p5356
aVWhat do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
p5357
aVHow are an Arkansas Tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
p5358
aVIf a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
p5359
aVWhat happens to a grape when an elephant sits on it? It lets out a little whine.
p5360
aVWhy don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the dog.
p5361
aVWhy do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
p5362
aVWhat happened to the kid who chugged 8 cokes? He burped 7up.
p5363
aVWhat kind of shoes are made out of banana peels? Slippers.
p5364
aVWhat did the letter say to the stamp? Stick to me and we'll go places.
p5365
aVWhat is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.
p5366
aVWhen I was in a supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?".
p5367
aVWhat's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoes tip!
p5368
aVTwo tampons walk down the street. Who says hi first. None, they are stuck up cunts.
p5369
aVStatistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
p5370
aVRoses are red. Violets are blue. I've got a knife. Get in the back of the van.
p5371
aVWhat's big, gray, and unimportant? An irrelephant.
p5372
aVWhat's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods has a better driver
p5373
aVWhy did the Mexican throw his wife off of the roof? Tequila.
p5374
aVWhat did the cheese maker say after his factory was hit by lightning? I've created a muenster.
p5375
aVWhat do you get when you combine a comedian and a whorehouse? A BROFL.
p5376
aVI've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's ten to one.
p5377
aVYou hear they're making a movie about constipation? The movie doesn't come out for a while.
p5378
aVI was riding a horse and it's leg broke so I had to shoot it. I'm not allowed on the carousel anymore.
p5379
aVHow do crazy people go through the woods? They take the psychopath.
p5380
aVWhat's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture.
p5381
aVHow do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.
p5382
aVWhy does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
p5383
aVTwo cannibals are eating a clown. One looks to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
p5384
aVWhat famous pig signed the Declaration of Independence? John Hamcock!
p5385
aVWhat's red, white, blue and green? A seasick Uncle Sam!
p5386
aVWhat do Japanese men do when they have erections? They vote.
p5387
aVWhere can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
p5388
aVTwo antennas got married. The ceremony was so-so, but the reception was fantastic.
p5389
aVA grasshopper walks into a bar & the bartender goes "we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper goes "you have a drink named Kevin?"
p5390
aVSorry the hiatus folks.  We took a 2 month vacation to be serious.  We're back in full swing though.
p5391
aVTwo muffins are in an oven. One of 'em says, "Wow, it's really hot in here." The other one says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
p5392
aVWhat do gay horses eat? Heyyyyyyyyyyy!
p5393
aVI quit my job in the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
p5394
aVI was wondering why a frisbee looked bigger as it came closer, then it hit me.
p5395
aVWhat did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift!
p5396
aVDid you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field?
p5397
aVA Buddhist goes up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
p5398
aVI was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
p5399
aVWhat did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period.
p5400
aVA sandwhich walks into a bar and the bartender says sorry buddy white breads only.
p5401
aVWhat did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
p5402
aVA guy walks into a bar and says "ow"
p5403
aVWhy do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.
p5404
aVWhat's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoes tip
p5405
aVWhat did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. 
p5406
aVI used to own a motorcycle shop, but I had to sell it. I was always two tired.
p5407
aVA hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender goes "sorry we don't serve food here".
p5408
aVWhy was tigger's head in the toilet? He was looking for pooh! 
p5409
aVI got tired of taking it on the chin..so I started swallowing.
p5410
aVBalloon boy imma let you finish but Anne frank had the best attic hideout of all time.
p5411
aVThe last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
p5412
aVA blind guy was on Wheel of Fortune. He asked if he can buy an I.
p5413
aVI have a gay friend who works in construction. He works in a manhole.
p5414
aVI went on the lamb because i got tired of fucking the sheep.
p5415
aVI got a part in the movie cocaine. I only had one line.
p5416
aVI got a letter from Africa. I didn't open it...certified blackmail.
p5417
a.