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<title>XXIII: Tided Over</title>
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<h2 epub:type="ordinal z3998:roman">XXIII</h2>
<p epub:type="title">Tided Over</p>
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<p>Next morning, Cotsdean was mournfully turning over his ledger in the High Street, wondering whether he should go back to <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May on another forlorn expedition, or whether he should betray his overwhelming anxiety to his wife, who knew nothing about the state of affairs. The shop was what is called a corn-factor’s shop, full of sacks of grain, with knots of wheatears done up ornamentally in the window, a stock not very valuable, but sufficient, and showing a good, if not a very important, business. A young man behind, attended to what little business was going on; for the master himself was too much preoccupied to think of bushels of seed. He was as uneasy as <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May had been on the previous night, and in some respects even more unhappy; for he had no resource except a sort of dumb faith in his principle, a feeling that he must be able to find out some way of escape—chequered by clouds of despondency, sometimes approaching despair. For Cotsdean, too, felt vaguely that things were approaching a crisis—that a great many resources had been exhausted—that the pitcher which had gone so often to the well must, at last, be broken, and that it was as likely the catastrophe was coming now as at any other time. He said to himself that never in his previous experience had things seemed so blank as at present; never had the moment of fate approached so nearly without any appearance of deliverance. He had not even the round of possibilities before him which were in <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May’s mind, however hopeless, at this particular moment, he might find them.</p>
<p>Cotsdean, for his part, had nothing to think of but <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May. Would he find some way out of it still, he who was always so clever, and must, in his position, have always “good friends?” How the poor man wished that he had never been led into this fatal course—that he had insisted, long ago, on the settlement which must come some time, and which did not get any easier by putting it off; but then, who was he to stand against his clergyman? He did not feel able now to make any stand against him. If he had to be ruined—he must be ruined: what could he do? The man who had brought him to this, held him in such subjection that he could not denounce or accuse him even now. He was so much better, higher, abler, stronger than himself, that Cotsdean’s harshest sentiment was a dumb feeling of injury; a feeling much more likely to lead him to miserable tears than to resistance. His clergyman—how was he to stand against his clergyman? This was the burden of his thoughts. And still, perhaps, there might be salvation and safety in the resources, the power, and cleverness, and superior strength of the man for whom, in his humility, he had risked everything. Poor Cotsdean’s eyes were red with sleeplessness and thinking, and the constant rubbings he administered with the sleeve of his rough coat. He hung helpless, in suspense, waiting to see what his chief would say to him; if he would send for him—if he would come. And in the intervals of these anxious thoughts, he asked himself should he tell poor Sally—should he prepare her for her fate? She and her children might be turned out of house and home, very probably would be, he said to himself, leaping to the extreme point, as men in his condition are apt to do. They might take everything from him; they might bring all his creditors on him in a heap; they might sell him up; his shop by which he made his daily bread, and everything he had, and turn his children out into the streets. Once more he rubbed his sleeve over his eyes, which were smarting with sleeplessness and easily-coming tears. He turned over the pages of the ledger mechanically. There was no help in it—no large debts owing to him that could be called in; no means of getting any money; and nothing could he do but contemplate the miseries that might be coming, and wait, wait, wondering dully whether <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May was doing anything to avert this ruin, and whether, at any moment, he might walk in, bringing safety in the very look of his bold eyes. Cotsdean was not bold; he was small and weakly, and nervous, and trembled at a sharp voice. He was not a man adapted for vigorous struggling with the world. <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May could do it, in whose hands was the final issue. He was a man who was afraid of no one; and whose powers nobody could deny. Surely now, even at the last moment, he would find help somehow. It seemed profane to entertain a doubt that he would be able to do it even at the very last.</p>
<p>But Cotsdean had a miserable morning; he could do nothing. Minute by minute, hour by hour, he waited to be called to the Parsonage; now and then he went out to the door of his shop and looked out wistfully down the street where it ended in the distance of Grange Lane. Was that the maid from the Parsonage coming up across the road? Were these the young ladies, who, though they knew nothing about the matter at issue, very frequently brought a note, or message, from their father to Cotsdean? But he was deceived in these guesses as well as in so many others. All the world seemed out of doors that morning, but nobody came. The ruddy sunshine shone full down the street, glorifying it with rays of warm gold, and tinting the mists and clouds which lurked in the corners. It had been heavy and overcast in the morning, but at noon the clouds had cleared away, and that big red globe of fire had risen majestically out of the mists, and everybody was out. But no one, except humble people in the ordinary way of business, came to Cotsdean. Bushels of grain for chickens, pennyworths of canary seed—oh! did anyone think he could pay a hundred pounds out of these?—a hundred pounds, the spending of which had not been his, poor man; which was indeed spent long ago, and represented luxuries past and over, luxuries which were not Cotsdean’s. Strange that a mere lump of money should live like this, long after it was, to all intents and purposes, dead, and spent and gone!</p>
<p>Then came the hour of dinner, when his Sally called him to the room behind the shop, from which an odour of bacon and fine big beans—beans which were represented in his shop in many a sackful. He went in unwillingly in obedience to her command, but feeling unable to eat, soon left the table, sending the young man to fill his place, with whose appetite no obstacle of care or thought interfered. Poor Cotsdean felt that the smell of the dinner made him sick—though he would have liked to eat had he been able—the smell of the bacon which he loved, and the sight of the small children whom he loved still better, and poor Sally, his wife, still red in the face from dishing it up. Sally was anxious about her husband’s want of appetite.</p>
<p>“What ails you, John?” she said, pathetically; “it wasn’t as if you were out last night, nor nothing o’ that sort. A man as is sober like you don’t ought to turn at his dinner.”</p>
<p>She was half sorry, and half aggrieved, poor woman, feeling as if some blame of her cookery must be involved.</p>
<p>“It’s the bile,” said poor Cotsdean, with that simplicity of statement which is common in his class. “Don’t you take on, Sally, I’ll be a deal better by suppertime—or worse,” he added to himself. Yes, he would make an effort to eat at suppertime; perhaps it might be the last meal he should eat in his own comfortable home.</p>
<p>He had been out at the shop door, gazing despairingly down the road; he had come in and sold some birdseed, wondering—oh, what good would that penny do him?—he who wanted a hundred pounds? and was standing listening with a sad heart to the sound of the knives and forks and chatter of the children, when suddenly all at once <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May walked into the shop, changing dismay into hope. What a thing it was to be a gentleman and a clergyman. Cotsdean could not but think! The very sight of <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May inspired him with courage; even though probably he had no money in his pocket, it was a supporting thing only to see him, and hear the sound of his free unrestrained step. He came in with a friendly nod to his humble helper; then he glanced round the shop, to see that no one was present, and then he said, “All right, Cotsdean,” in a voice that was as music to the little corn-factor’s ears. His heart, which had been beating so low, jumped up in his bosom; his appetite came back with a leap; he asked himself would the bacon be cold? and cried, “God be praised, sir,” in a breath.</p>
<p><abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May winced slightly; but why should it be wrong to be grateful to God in any circumstances? he asked himself, having become already somewhat composed in his ideas on this particular point.</p>
<p>“Are we quite alone?” he said. “Nobody within hearing? I have not brought you the money, but a piece of paper that is as good as the money. Take it: you will have no difficulty in discounting this; the man is as well known as the Carlingford Bank, and as safe, though I dare say you will be surprised at the name.”</p>
<p>Cotsdean opened out the new bill with trembling hands. “Tozer!” he said faintly, between relief and dismay.</p>
<p>“Yes. You must know that I am taking a pupil—one who belongs to a very rich Dissenting family in London. Tozer knows something about him, from his connection with the body, and through this young man I have got to know something of <em>him</em>. He does it upon the admirable security of the fees I am to receive with this youth; so you see, after all, there is no mystery about it. Better not wait for tomorrow, Cotsdean. Go at once, and get it settled. You see,” said <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May, ingratiatingly, “it is a little larger than the other—one hundred and fifty, indeed—but that does not matter with such an excellent name.”</p>
<p>“Tozer!” said Cotsdean, once more bewildered. He handled the piece of paper nervously, and turned it upside down, and round about, with a sense that it might melt in his hold. He did not like the additional fifty added. Why should another fifty be added? but so it was, and there seemed nothing for him but to take the immediate relief and be thankful.</p>
<p>“I’d rather, sir, as Tozer hadn’t known nothing about it; and why should he back a bill for me as ain’t one of my friends, nor don’t know nothing about me? and fifty more added on,” said Cotsdean. It was the nearest he had gone to standing up against his clergyman; he did not like it. To be <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May’s sole standby and agent, even at periodical risk of ruin, was possible to him; but a pang of jealousy, alarm, and pain came into his mind when he saw the new name. This even obliterated the immediate sense of relief that was in his mind.</p>
<p>“Come three months it’ll have to be paid,” said Cotsdean, “and Tozer ain’t a man to stand it if he’s left to pay; he’d sell us up, <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May. He ain’t one of the patient ones, like—some other folks; and there’s fifty pounds put on. I don’t see my way to it. I’d rather it was just the clear hundred, if it was the same to you.”</p>
<p>“It is not the same to me,” said <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May, calmly. “Come, there is no cause to make any fuss. There it is, and if you don’t like to make use of it, you must find some better way. Bring the fifty pounds, less the expenses, to me tonight. It is a good bit of paper, and it delivers us out of a mess which I hope we shall not fall into again.”</p>
<p>“So you said before, sir,” said the corn-factor sullenly.</p>
<p>“Cotsdean, you forget yourself; but I can make allowance for your anxiety. Take it, and get it settled before the bank closes; pay in the money to meet the other bill, and bring me the balance. You will find no difficulty with Tozer’s name; and what so likely as that one respectable tradesman should help another? By the way, the affair is a private one between us, and it is unnecessary to say anything to him about it; the arrangement, you understand, is between him and me.”</p>
<p>“Beg your pardon, sir,” said Cotsdean, with a deprecatory movement of his hand to his forehead; “but it is me as will be come upon first if anything happens, and that fifty pounds—”</p>
<p>“Have you ever found me to fail you, Cotsdean? If you knew the anxiety I have gone through, that you might be kept from harm, the sleepless nights, the schemes, the exertions! You may suppose it was no ordinary effort to ask a man like Tozer.”</p>
<p>Cotsdean was moved by the touching tone in which his partner in trouble spoke; but terror gave him a certain power. He grumbled still, not altogether vanquished.</p>
<p>“I don’t say nothing against that, sir,” he said, not meeting <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May’s eye; “but when it comes to be paid, sir, I’m the first in it, and where is that other fifty to come from? That’s what I’m a thinking for—for I’m the first as they’d haul up after all.”</p>
<p>“You!” said <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May, “what could they get from you? You are not worth powder and shot. Don’t be ridiculous, my good fellow. I never avoid my responsibilities, as you know. I am as good, I hope, for that fifty as for all that went before. Have you ever known me leave you or anyone in the lurch?”</p>
<p>“No, sir, I can’t say as—I don’t suppose I have. I’ve always put my trust in you like in Providence itself,” he cried, hastily, holding his breath.</p>
<p>“Then do as I tell you,” said <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> May, waving his hand with careless superiority; and though his heart was aching with a hundred anxious fears, he left the shop with just that mixture of partial offence and indifference which overawed completely his humble retainer. Cotsdean trembled at his own guilty folly and temerity. He did not dare to call his patron back again, to ask his pardon. He did not venture to go back to the table and snatch a bit of cold bacon. He was afraid he had offended his clergyman, what matter that he was hungry for his dinner? He called the young man from the bacon, which was now cold and all but eaten up, and snatched at his hat and went out to the bank. It was all he could do.</p>
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