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metal-fairy-tale
260 lines (259 loc) · 18.1 KB
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metal-fairy-tale
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ALTERNATIVE METAL
The Knight refuses to belong the system, tells the Princess to f**k off, and leaves.
%
ATMOSPHERIC METAL
A pale moon reflects off the scales of the skin of a Dragon, on a clear cloudless night; a Princess is at the balcony, sighing and looking into the deep forest, where birds are singing their love songs, Cuckoo to you. No knights in sight.
%
AVANT-GARDE METAL #π
The Knight rides in to Heavy music, but instead of slaying the Dragon, attempts to confuse it with a clarinet solo. The Princess, becoming puzzled and bored, wanders off.
%
AVANT-GARDE METAL #47/16
The Hero teleports to the scene wearing a cloak, some oversized sunglasses and fairy boots. He starts breakdancing and plays a 26 minute saxophone solo. The Dragon gets confused and its head explodes. The Princess then turns into another Dragon and starts talking in a made up language whilst playing on a Game Boy™ that is also a hedgehog.
%
BATTLE METAL
The Protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots, and a dozen elite warriors; as a master tactician, he flanks the Dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The Princess gets bored.
%
BLACK METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the Dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the Princess, and drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the Princess next to the Dragon.
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BLACK METAL #2
The Knight kills the Dragon, drinks his blood, sodomizes the Princess, drinks her blood and sacrifices both her and the Dragon to Satan.
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BLACK METAL #3
The Protagonist IS the Dragon, dwelling in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy Knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the Princess to Satan.
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BRUTAL DEATH METAL #1
Knights kills Dragon, screws Dragon, kills Princess and screws Princess
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BRUTAL DEATH METAL #2
Our Hero arrives, kills the Princess and then f**ks the Dragon.
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CHIPTUNE DEATH METAL
After a short cinematic, the Hero arrives and kills the Dragon by jumping repeatedly on its tail. After another cinematic, he makes it to the Princess' room, where a sign is posted on the entrance:
-----------------------------------------
| |
| "Thank you. But I'm in another castle!" |
| |
-----------------------------------------
%
CHRISTIAN METAL
The Holy Knight rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the Dragon telling how much Jesus loves him and that the Dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the Princess wants to "thank" the Protagonist, he replies: "I beg your pardon, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage".
%
CROSSOVER THRASH
Our geeky hero arrives at the castle and the Princess laughs at his puny figure. He nearly exhausts himself climbing the stairs of the tower to face the Dragon, when suddenly out of nowhere a barrel of toxic waste falls on him, transforming him into a muscular green mutant. He punches the Dragon to death as the Princess runs away screaming in fear. The mutant cries a single toxic tear and walks away.
%
DEATH METAL #1
The Knight arrives, kills the Dragon, fucks the Princess and kills her, fucks her again, then leaves.
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DEATH METAL #2
Knight kills Dragon, screws Dragon, screws Princess and kills Princess
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DEATHCORE
The hero turns up. He starts off calm but then begins doing ridiculous spin kicks and kung-fu while a breakdown plays in the breakdown. The Dragon leaves out of fear of getting his face kicked in. The hero then steals the Princess' hairspray to keep his fringe in check.
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DOOM METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives, sees the size of the Dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The Dragon eats his body, then the Princess as dessert. That’s the end of a very sad story.
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DOOM METAL #2
Knight kills himself, Dragon has double dinner portions.
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DRONE METAL
The hero turns up 2 days late. The Dragon is sleeping. The Princess tippy toes past him and it all leads to an unsatisfying climax.
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EMOCORE #1
The Protagonist's mother drives the Protagonist and his friends to the castle. He kills the Dragon with some awesome arm-spinning and spin-kicking while his friends observe the scene with their arms crossed; then the Princess laughs at their ridiculous hairstyle and the boys leave weeping.
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EMOCORE #2
The Protagonist sees the Dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the Princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The Princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
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EMOCORE #3
Knight whines and screams about the Princess leaving him for a rich boy. Dragon laughs at Knight for being a watered-down, eye-shadow-wearing wannabe.
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EPIC METAL
Our Hero arrives in shining armor and riding his own Dragon, slays the bad Dragon with a spear and saves the Princess. Then he takes her to his own castle where they get married. And they lived happily ever after.
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FOLK METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the Dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave... without the Princess.
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FOLK METAL #2
Our Knight comes in with his troubadours friends, start singing to his true love’s eyes, the Dragon falls asleep, the Knight saves the Princess, marries her and they have many kids.
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FUNERAL DOOM METAL
The hero does not turn up. It turns out he already committed suicide. The Dragon eats the Princess, then dies of food poisoning.
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FUNK METAL
The funk surrounds the whole place; the atmosphere becomes so sexy that the Hero and the Dragon start to make Love in the Air and they become one phallus, whereas the Princess becomes phallus sweat.
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GLAM METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives, the Dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the Princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color, while the Princess wonders where all the real men have gone...
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GLAM METAL #2
The Knight comes in dressed up like a faggot and with full make-up, the Dragons dies laughing his heart away, the Knight steals the Princess’s make up kit and proceeds to paint the castle pink, while the Princess wonders where all the men have gone.
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GORE METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives, kills the Dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, fucks the Princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it one last time.
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GORE METAL #2
The Knight slays the Dragon, rips out the bowels and other parts, spreads them around the castle, screws the Princess, kills her, rips her body apart, screws the dead corpse, eats her heart out, burns the body and screws the Dragon one last time before defecating on the remains of the Princess.
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GOTHIC METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives along with a cold wind of winter in the middle of the night, frustrates the heck out of the Dragon until it dies of fear and desolation, comes to the Princess and discusses how to clean make-ups without inflicting skin irritation.
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GOTHIC METAL #2
The Princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The Protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the Dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the Dragon swallows the flute and accidentally scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell for all eternity.
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GOTHIC METAL WITH FEMALE SINGER
The Female singer sings the Dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the Princess’s dress and throws her away in the moat, climbs on the bed and waits for the band’s drummer to come in and save her.
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GRINDCORE
The Protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves.
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GRIND METAL
The Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves the scene.
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GROOVE METAL
Our Hero arrives with his mighty headphones. The Dragon gets its own headphones and they start swinging. The Princess can't see any groove in anything so she goes to the club.
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GRUNGE
The hero arrives and starts complaining about how bad his life is, then everyone is so depressed they all o.d. on heroin.
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HAIR METAL
The Knight arrives more worried about his airbrushing and colored nails, blows a rude kiss to the Princess, to finally get eaten by the Dragon.
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HARDCORE #1
The Guy starts doing some aggressive mosh pit, with the arms, like hitting someone in the floor. Then the Dragon arrives to him and he hits it with a punch. He kills the Dragon with that, before going to the Princess' room where he jumps into the bed and starts hitting her. "Yeah girl, in mosh pit we hit people who're on the floor".
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HARDCORE #2
The hero arrives, slugs the Dragon in the balls who then flies away with injured pride; he marries the Princes. During the honey moon she talks back to him; he beats the hell out of her, before going to jail for domestic violence.
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HARD ROCK
The Knight comes in Hawaiian shorts, tries to kill the Dragon, but the Princess, completely disgusted, escapes and screws the Dragon.
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HEAVY METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the Dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the Princess.
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HEAVY METAL #2
The knight comes in on his Harley, shoots the Dragon down with a .44 magnum, guzzles a few brews and screws the Princess.
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INDUSTRIAL METAL
The Protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the Dragon and gets escorted out of Fairy Tale Land by security guards.
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MESHUGGAH METAL
An 11-stringed guitar within his hands, the Hero starts playing some polyrhythms, confusing the Dragon, then he starts using the Breath controller and the Dragon implodes. He goes to the Princess' room and starts fucking her with the same riffs at the guitar; he does the same riffing but fucking, asynchronously giving her several simultaneous orgasms.
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METALCORE #1
The Protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidentally knocking the Dragon out. Then he storms off in anger that someone messed up his dance routine.
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METALCORE #2
The Protagonist tries to copy every other Knights' style, but fails miserably, thus leaving the Princess to the Dragon and running away in his tight pants.
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NEO METAL
The Knight, scared sh*tless by the Dragon, stays out of the castle, making rude gestures to the Princess, then goes wanking off in the forest.
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NU METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the Dragon, but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
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NU METAL #2
Blowing enough pot to smoke out the Dragon, the Knight loses his fire blowing skills and runs away, then rudely rapes Princess.
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NU-METAL #3
Knight does it all for the Nookie, what? The Nookie! So stick it up your yeah!
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NU-METAL #4
The Knight gets eaten by the Dragon, but not before whining about it and blaming the whole thing on his parents.
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OI!
The Skinhead arrives and start discussing with the Dragon "Who the fuck are you stupid, you think that I'm afraid of you because you have fire in your mouth and are 10 times bigger than me, you're fucking wrong!". He starts fighting and wins, then takes a spray can and starts tagging "OI!" on all the place till he gets to the Princess' room. He shaves her head and they go drinking Guinness in a back alley.
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PAGAN METAL
The Knight prays to Thor, puts on a horned helmet, and watches Thor shock both Dragon and Princess with a mighty lightning bolt.
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POP ROCK
The Protagonist arrives in a limo. The Dragon lets them in as long as they sign an autograph for its mom who is a big fan. The Protagonist leaves with the Princess and they get married.
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POP-PUNK
The Dragon can't eat the Protagonist, because he can't catch him, because he keeps bouncing up and down. The Princess won't f**k him either, because he likes ska.
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PORNO GRIND
The Protagonist arrives at the castle without any clothes on and grunts loudly for a few minutes. Then he fucks the Dragon in every body cavity it has, kills the Dragon, fucks the carcass the same way again, grunts loudly again for a few minutes, grabs the Princess and fucks her in every body cavity she has, kills her and fucks her in the same way again. Then he piles up the Dragon’s and Princess’s remains, fucks them in every body cavity they have, grunts loudly and screams senselessly for a few minutes. Then he leaves.
%
POST METAL
The Hero turns up. The battle with the Dragon starts out pretty dull, merely exchanging words and stares, but it eventually picks up into a glorious battle once the army arrives. He then takes the Princess home and gives her 5 orgasms in a row!
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POWER METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the Dragon, saves the Princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
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POWER METAL #2
The mighty knight comes with his power and KiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIls the draaaaaaaaaaaaagon with his magic swooOoOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOrd! He celebrates his victory full of power and eternal glory.
%
PROGRESSIVE DEATH-FUSION
The Protagonist arrives at the castle aback his transvestite Soundwave replica and executes a blinding flurry of light-speed punches while kicking to time signatures the Dragon cannot predict, killing it. Only seconds after her rescue, the Princess is deserted by the Protagonist who leaves to go record solos for a Konkhra album. The Princess jumps out the tower window to her death out of sheer impatience; the Protagonist holds Pestilence accountable.
%
PROGRESSIVE METAL #1
The Protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a 26 minute solo. Bored, the Dragon commits suicide. After entering the Princess’s bedroom, he plays another endless solo, showing off all the techniques and tunes he learned during his last year at the conservatory. The Princess escapes looking for the “HEAVY METAL” Protagonist.
%
PROGRESSIVE METAL #2
The Knight comes in, plays a 26 minute guitar solo, bores the Dragon to death, leading it to kill itself in depression; the Knights gets close to the Princess's bed, rips out another 42 minute guitar solo, but does not see her escaping with the HEAVY METAL Knight...
%
PUNK
The Protagonist hitchhikes to the castle, asks the Dragon for some bucks, buys some cans of beer, gets pissed, insults the Princess as "monarchist cunt" and "commerce bitch" before leaving the castle in a black maria.
%
SLUDGE METAL #1
The Knight fights the Dragon in a sticky swamp, the battle moves slower but is just as powerful. The Knight kills the Princess slowly later on.
%
SLUDGE METAL #2
The Hero turns up covered in shit. The Dragon retreats after smelling the odour. The Princess is grateful but edges away gradually.
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SPACE METAL
A group of mysterious aliens kidnap both the Dragon and the Princess while different heroes from different times and places argue who's the true saviour.
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SPEED METAL #1
Suddenly there, short solo, Dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, Princess realizes she's been deflowered, Dragon and Princess are still looking for the one who did this.
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SPEED METAL #240bpm
Knight-slays-Dragon-screws-Princess
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SPEED METAL #88MPH
Suddenly a short-time solo is filling the air... the Dragon gets confused. Someone is screaming strange things. The Princess realizes she just lost her virginity. Both Dragon and Princess are still searching for the guy who did that.
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STONER METAL #1
The Hero turns up high. He puffs the magic Dragon. Him and the Princess then look at shiny objects for the next 4 hours and discuss which Reverend Bizarre album is the best.
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STONER METAL #2
The Hero arrives into the castle with some weeds. When the Dragon spits fire, he uses it to light up the joint. In the end, they all get stoned and become friends.
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STONER METAL #3
The Protagonist, Dragon, and Princess all smoke pot and dissolve blotter tabs while proclaiming themselves as being higher than the sun.
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SYMPHONIC METAL
Our Hero arrives with the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra and sings two arias. The Dragon loses his hearing and the Princess is frying eggs.
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TECHNICAL DEATH METAL
Everyone dies of old age waiting for the new Necrophagist album to come out.
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TECHNICAL METAL #3.14159
The Knight slays the Dragon using a 21 inch sword delivering 17 precise chops, slashing his bladder, left kidney, removing his abdomen, chopping up his small intestine and performing lobotomy in precisely 29 seconds, left handed. The mind of the Princess cannot digest that much sheer perfection in half a minute. Her brain explodes in a shroud of white light.
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TECHNICAL METAL #4/4-7/4-18.3/9.80665
Our Hero plays an extraordinary riff, switching between 11/16 and 13/16, with any possible way. The Dragon dies from a massive Brain Aneurysm. The Princess enters a music college in order to understand what the hell our Hero played.
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TRVE BLACK METAL (Old Style)
The Knight comes completely wasted, heaves into the dungeon, slays the Princess and proceeds to flirt with the Dragon.
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TRVE BLACK METAL (New Style)
The Knight comes in, starts a debate with the Dragon on who is evil and who is not, kills the Princess who dared to intervene in the conversation and gets killed and eaten by the exasperated Dragon. The last thing the Dragon can agree with is being rough with women. Dragon maybe, but gentleman, certainly!
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THRASH METAL #1
The Protagonist rushes his way in, shreds the Dragon, saves the Princess and fucks her.
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THRASH METAL #2
The frightened and angry Knight doesn't look forward to wasting his life for such a stupid thing like fighting Dragons. He gets killed and the Princess is a bitch. It's very unfair that poor knights have to die, let alone die for f**kin' bitches.
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VIDEO GAME METAL
The Knight orders pizza, and fires off his best riffs in Guitar Hero. The Protagonist is eventually left by the Princess because he'd rather slay Dragons in WoW.
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VIKING METAL #1
Surrounded by a thick mist, the Protagonist lands off a drakkar, kills the Dragon with his mighty axe, skins the Dragon and eats it, rapes the Princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
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VIKING METAL #2
The Knight slays the Dragon with his bare hands, rips the heart out, eats it, rapes the Princess, burns the castle and returns to the drakkar with the gold and the wench. Rape, pillage and conquer!