humorous_oneliners.pickle

(lp1
S'Insanity is hereditary, - You get it from your children.'
p2
aS'An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.'
p3
aS"You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish."
p4
aS'A closed mouth gathers no foot.'
p5
aS"What's black and white and red all over?  An embarassed zebra."
p6
aS"What's black and white and red all over?  Certainly not the Halifax newspapers."
p7
aS"Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks."
p8
aS"What's the most popular form of birth control?  The headache."
p9
aS"He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke."
p10
aS'Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.'
p11
aS'A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.'
p12
aS"Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it."
p13
aS'Help the police - beat yourself up.'
p14
aS'Avoid the christmas chaos - go to church on sundays.'
p15
aS"There are two kinds of persons: The one that divide all people in two part, and then the other that don't."
p16
aS'Seen in U.S.S.R:  "The last person to leave the country is asked to turn the ligths off."'
p17
aS'Wanna be realy stoned?  Drink wet cement.'
p18
aS'Keep death off the roads.  Drive on the pavement.'
p19
aS'Dead men are simple very cool.'
p20
aS'Sigarettes are the main reason for statistics.'
p21
aS'Advertisment from British Airways:  "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New-York and luggage in Berlin"'
p22
aS'Do you know why surgeons use masks? It is to be not recognised again.'
p23
aS"Vegetarians eat vegetables;I'm a humanitarian"
p24
aS'"Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock."'
p25
aS'A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.'
p26
aS'Max told his friend he didn\'t want to go for a hike in the hills.  "I\'m an anti-climb Max."'
p27
aS'A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon.'
p28
aS"An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding up the estate."
p29
aS'Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.'
p30
aS' Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling, I think I\'m pigment."'
p31
aS'Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.'
p32
aS'A doctor told the boy, "This injection won\'t hurt a bit."  That\'s an MD promise.'
p33
aS"Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover."
p34
aS"A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru."
p35
aS'A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.'
p36
aS'What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.'
p37
aS'WHY DO MORONS ONLY GO TO MOVIES IN GROUPS OF 17 OR MORE? BECAUSE THE SIGN OUTSIDE STATES " UNDER SEVENTEEN NOT ADMITED! "'
p38
aS"Did you hear about the Scottish Kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane in his brother's junkyard."
p39
aS'What do 32 Iraqi women in one place have? A full set of teeth!'
p40
aS'HOW DO YOU CLEAR OUT AND IRAQI BINGO HALL? CALL OUT "B-52".'
p41
aS'DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW BAGHDAD ROCK GROUP? NO KIDS ON THE BLOCK.'
p42
aS'Did you hear the one about the lion who ate the lawyer? Had to lick his butt afterwards to get rid of the taste!'
p43
aS'Did you hear which major department store is considering opening a couple of stores in Iraq? TARGET!'
p44
aS'DID YOU HEAR FRANCE HAS A NEW NATIONAL FLAG? It is white with a white stripe and a white star!'
p45
aS"What's the difference between a Canadian Hockey player and an Iraqi woman? The Hockey player takes a shower after three periods."
p46
aS'What do a vaccuum cleaner and an Iraqi Tank have in common? They both suck.'
p47
aS'What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a goat underthe other? Bisexual.'
p48
aS'What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.'
p49
aS'What do you call an Iraqi who has sex with donkeys? Normal.'
p50
aS'What did the aspiring Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?  "Make me one with everything."'
p51
aS'Who is the smallest man mentioned in the New Testament? Peter. (He slept on his watch)'
p52
aS"When is the first time motorcycles are mentioned in the bible? When David's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
p53
aS'Neutrinos have bad breadth.'
p54
aS'Biology grows on you.'
p55
aS'What does a Polack use a "rubber" for?  Seal-a-meal'
p56
aS'- What do you get when you cross a Polack and a Mongoloid with one leg? A Polaroid 1 Step'
p57
aS'- What is better than 4 roses on a piano? Two lips on an organ'
p58
aS'- What do you call a truck load of vibrators? Toys for twats'
p59
aS'- What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?  Beef Strokenoff'
p60
aS"- Why does an elephant have 4 feet?  Because 8 inches isn't enough"
p61
aS'- What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob?  Oral Roberts'
p62
aS'- What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires'
p63
aS"- How can you tell a Polish woman is on her period?  She's only wearing 1 sock"
p64
aS"What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce"
p65
aS'- What do soy beans and dildos have in common?Both are meat subsitutes'
p66
aS"- What's the difference between chicken and meat?  If you beat your chicken it  would die"
p67
aS'- How can you tell a Head nurse?  The one with dirty knees'
p68
aS"- What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental?  A car thief who can't drive"
p69
aS"What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?  Getting fingered by Captain Hook"
p70
aS"- Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?  Since he couldn't lick them, he felt he should join them"
p71
aS"What's invisible and smells like carrots?  Bunny farts"
p72
aS"Why can't little black kids play in sandboxes?  Cats keep trying to cover them up"
p73
aS'What do elephants use for a tampon?  Sheep'
p74
aS"Why don't Mexicans barbeque?  Because the beans slip through the grill"
p75
aS'What do you call a one-legged woman? Ilene.'
p76
aS'Why did the Aggie spend all night in front of the house of ill repute? He was waiting for the red light to turn green.'
p77
aS'The only computers I trust with my women are Unix.'
p78
aS"Why were Helen Keller's fingers purple?She heard it through the grapevine."
p79
aS'What is the difference between ooooh and aaaah?About three inches.'
p80
aS'What is the difference between a dog and a fox?About three drinks.'
p81
aS'What do you do with an elephant that has three balls? Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.'
p82
aS'What are the three most difficult years for an Aggie? Second grade.'
p83
aS'Did you hear about the Aggie car pool? They all meet at work.'
p84
aS'Why were the Aggies pushing their house down the street? They were trying to jump-start the furnace.'
p85
aS"Did you hear the Aggies bought a thousand septic tanks?As soon as they learn to drive them, they'll invade Mexico."
p86
aS'What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.'
p87
aS'Did you hear about the Republican Fried Chicken fast food restaurant? All they serve are right wings and a**holes.'
p88
aS'What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? The rooster clucks defiance.'
p89
aS'What do you get when you cross a a rooster and a hoot owl? A cock that stays up all night.'
p90
aS'Why did they kick the leper out of the restaurant? They had to keep changing the finger bowls.'
p91
aS'What is the difference between a tribe of sly aborigines and a female track team? The first is a pack of cunning runts.'
p92
aS'Why are there more Democrats than Republicans? Who wants a piece of elephant!'
p93
aS'What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts---this is no ordinary blow job.'
p94
aS'Did you hear about the prostitute that died and went to heaven? She traded her harp for an upright organ.'
p95
aS"Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want the world to know he's been making out with chickens."
p96
aS'What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A 40-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.'
p97
aS"Why don't midgets use tampons? They trip over the strings."
p98
aS"Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea? It's all over town."
p99
aS'What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Soup.'
p100
aS'Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high? A lot of expenses are in curd.'
p101
aS'Watch out for lamp manufacturers. There are a lot of shady characters.'
p102
aS"Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business? He says he's all washed up."
p103
aS'What do you call a cow with only three legs? Lean beef.'
p104
aS'What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.'
p105
aS'What did the elephant say to the naked man? "Can you breathe through that?"'
p106
aS"Lawyers sometimes tell the truth. They'll do anything to win a case."
p107
aS'What do you call a row of rabbits that takes a step backwards? A receding hare-line.'
p108
aS'What do you get when you pour scalding water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.'
p109
aS'What do you have when rabbits climb out of their hole? A hare-raising sight.'
p110
aS'What did the topless dancer say when chastised about her profession? "It\'s better than being flat busted!"'
p111
aS"When I fly on a jet, my ears pop a lot; it's an earry feeling."
p112
aS'Some parents believe that spanking a child is an important part of rearing a child.'
p113
aS'Twins might best be described as womb-mates.'
p114
aS"Did you hear the elephants at the circus are going on strike? They're tired of working for peanuts."
p115
aS'Did you hear about the fight in the lion house at the zoo? A lion called another a cheetah.  Personally, I think he was lion.'
p116
aS'How do you keep an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card.'
p117
aS"Did you hear about the animal hotel that has exclusive accommodations for squirrels? It's called The Nutcracker Suite."
p118
aS"What is the most vulnerable animal in the world? The frog.  When you touch it, it croaks. Put another way, one touch and it's toadalled."
p119
aS'Did you hear they are looking for someone to be in charge of potato snacks in the monastery? The job description will be:  Chipmonk.'
p120
aS"Did you hear about the House-Senate conference committe considering legislation to decriminalize the use of marijuana? It's called the Joint Session of Congress."
p121
aS'What is the opposite of progress? Congress.'
p122
aS'How can Congress trim the fat from Federal spending? By switching to lo-cal government.'
p123
aS'The state of Missouri has vigorously tried to get some of the other states bordering on the Mississippi River to join in an urgently needed flood control project. This is because Missouri loves company.'
p124
aS'The 200th anniversary of the founding of the buffalo sanctuaries will be marked by a Bisontennial celebration.'
p125
aS'The Hawaiian Islands have many craters that were formed by volcanoes. You might say that the islands are full of ash holes.'
p126
aS"Several years ago I came up with the idea of writing a play about the movement to eliminate pay toilets. I've been sitting on the idea for a number of years, but I feel I can stall no longer."
p127
aS"Why did God give women vaginas? Because sheep can't cook."
p128
aS'Why do mice have tiny balls? Very few know how to dance.'
p129
aS'What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a mink. A fur coat with pockets.'
p130
aS'Why is money green? Because Jews pick it before it is ripe.'
p131
aS'What is long, hard, round and full of seamen? A submarine.'
p132
aS"How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow."
p133
aS'What is the difference between love and Herpes? Herpes is forever.'
p134
aS'Where do prostitutes go for recycling? The Virgin Islands.'
p135
aS"What's grey and comes by the gallon? Elephants."
p136
aS"What is the difference between an Aggie and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven."
p137
aS"How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?None.  They'd rather sit in the dark and suffer."
p138
aS'What do you call a gay Jew? A Heblew.'
p139
aS"How do we know Christ wasn't born in Italy? There are no virgins and they couldn't find three wise men."
p140
aS'Did you hear about the Aggies that were arrested in the Iranian zoo? They were trying to free the hostriches.'
p141
aS"Did you hear about the two blind gay guys? You've got to hand it to them."
p142
aS'Why are all Jewish men circumcized? Because Jewish women go crazy over anything 20% off.'
p143
aS'How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?None.  They screw in hot tubs.'
p144
aS"Why don't Baptists screw standing up? They're afraid people might think they're dancing."
p145
aS"What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic, you use a feather.  Kinky, you use the whole chicken."
p146
aS'To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.'
p147
aS"There's no future in time travel."
p148
aS"Entropy isn't what it used to be."
p149
aS"Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over."
p150
aS'"Criminal Lawyer"  is  redundant.'
p151
aS"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
p152
aS'When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.'
p153
aS'I have a rock garden.  Last week, three of them died.'
p154
aS'He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.'
p155
aS'Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.'
p156
aS'Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.'
p157
aS"Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!"
p158
aS"Please reply if you don't get this message."
p159
aS'Circular definition: see definition, circular.'
p160
aS'All generalizations are false.'
p161
aS"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
p162
aS'Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.'
p163
aS'Rehab is for quitters.'
p164
aS'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.'
p165
aS'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.'
p166
aS'I took an IQ test and the results were negative.'
p167
aS"Where there's a will, I want to be in it."
p168
aS'Few women admit their age;  Fewer men act it.'
p169
aS"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."
p170
aS"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
p171
aS'Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.'
p172
aS'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'
p173
aS'Give me ambiguity or give me something else.'
p174
aS'i souport publik edekashun.'
p175
aS'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'
p176
aS"How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. "
p177
aS'What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A nervous wreck.'
p178
aS'What are the four words you don\'t want to hear while making love? "Honey, I\'m home!"'
p179
aS"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
p180
aS'Drive defensively - buy a tank.'
p181
aS"What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs. Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.\rWhat did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.\rCan you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 iguanadons and 2 stegasaurus.\rWhat do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.\rWhat do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!\rWhat do you get if you cross a mouse with a triceratops? Enormous holes in the skirting board.\rHow can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas. How do you know if there is a brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores."
p182
aS'A cucumber and a tomato meet in a saladbar. Cucumber: Gee, how come you look so red? Tomato: I saw the salad dressing.'
p183
aS'A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.'
p184
aS'A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.'
p185
aS'I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.'
p186
aS'The brain is a wonderful organ:  it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.'
p187
aS"You'd be paranoid too if everybody hated you."
p188
aS"Cole's Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage."
p189
aS"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
p190
aS'Duct tape is like the Force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.'
p191
aS"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
p192
aS'There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.'
p193
aS'It has been said that we only use 15% of our brain. I wonder what we do with the other 75%?'
p194
aS'How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?'
p195
aS"I've got it!  I've got it!  Now, for the cure..."
p196
aS'A juggler is just a schizophrenic playing catch.'
p197
aS'Polaroids: what polar bears get from sitting on the ice.'
p198
aS'D.A.M.N. - Naked Mothers Against Dyslexia'
p199
aS'There IS intelligent life in the universe.  It ignores us.'
p200
aS'Amish safe sex: painting an "X" on the cows that kick.'
p201
aS"How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."
p202
aS'Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.'
p203
aS'Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.'
p204
aS'Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.'
p205
aS"Wanna hear a joke? Sleep. I know, I don't get it either"
p206
aS'Do you smoke pot because weed be cute together'
p207
aS"I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over. I'm Ruthless."
p208
aS'Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours. So they decided to call it a day.'
p209
aS'Is your name ariel, because I think we mermaid for each other.'
p210
aS"Math jokes aren't funny. Nothing about math is funny. Math is a sin."
p211
aS'Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.'
p212
aS'How did I escape Iraq? Iran'
p213
aS'Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.'
p214
aS"I just wrote a really awesome song about a fajita. Well it's more of a wrap really."
p215
aS'I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.'
p216
aS'I met a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds fun, Dozen tit?'
p217
aS"How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious that Israeli how he does it."
p218
aS"You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons. How ionic."
p219
aS"You're telling me I need to study? No thanks, I'll pass."
p220
aS'My waitress threw sodium chloride at me. She was arrested and charged with a salt.'
p221
aS"Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi! Why didn't he get in? There wasn't mushroom!"
p222
aS'Where do astronauts go out for a drink? To the spacebar.'
p223
aS'What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated but I\'ve got hundreds of degrees"'
p224
aS'If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.'
p225
aS"I didn't like my beard at first but then it grew on me."
p226
aS"You're living, you occupy space and have mass. What does that mean? You matter."
p227
aS'How does Nasa organize a party? They planet.'
p228
aS"I'd say fuck the wheather, but its definitely under 18..."
p229
aS'I used to have a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.'
p230
aS"I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy."
p231
aS"What do you call a wizard who's running late for the Hogwarts Express? Hurry Potter."
p232
aS"I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day."
p233
aS"I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction."
p234
aS"When I drink alcohol, everyone says im an alcoholic. When I drink fanta, no one says I'm fantastic."
p235
aS'What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don\'t wanna be Obama self"'
p236
aS'Did Snoop Dogg really change his name, or is Snoop Lion?'
p237
aS'I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.'
p238
aS"A book fell on my head... I can't blame myshelf."
p239
aS'I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.'
p240
aS"Mathematics teachers call retirement 'the aftermath.'"
p241
aS'A chemistry lab is like a big party. Some drop the acid while others drop the base.'
p242
aS'How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, because it was on the house!'
p243
aS'What do you call a fake macaroni? An impasta.'
p244
aS'I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.'
p245
aS'The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.'
p246
aS'What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog'
p247
aS'What do you call bears with no ears? B'
p248
aS'When u tryna be cheesy but everyone around u is laughtose intolerant.'
p249
aS'Where would Voldemort go if he played the trumpet? Jazzkaban.'
p250
aS'What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.'
p251
aS'How do trains eat? They chew-chew.'
p252
aS'What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician? A Labracadabrador.'
p253
aS'My friend asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public. I said maybe.'
p254
aS'I used to hate math, but now I realised decimals have a point.'
p255
aS'I think my friend was built backwards. His nose runs and his feet smell.'
p256
aS'How much room is needed to grow funghi? As Muchroom as possible.'
p257
aS"Keep the planet clean, it's not uranus. "
p258
aS'If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.'
p259
aS'Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.'
p260
aS'What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock'
p261
aS'The rotation of Earth always makes my day.'
p262
aS'(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln. We just foiled your plan.'
p263
aS'Chemistry jokes are Sodium funny.'
p264
aS'I made a shirt out of thumb tacks because I wanted to look sharp, but everyone said it was tacky.'
p265
aS"Sorry I'm poor, I can't afford to pay attention."
p266
aS'What did the biologist wear on his first date? Designer genes.'
p267
aS'Are you flourine iodine and neon? Cause you are FINe.'
p268
aS'Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!'
p269
aS'Why do ghosts love elevators? Cause they lift their spirits.'
p270
aS'A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship, but there was no Chemistry.'
p271
aS'Do you know why Frequency cannot love any more? Cause it still hertz.'
p272
aS"What building isn't trustworthy? The lie-brary."
p273
aS'What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms? HeHe'
p274
aS'How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. (Hint:  They are small enough to fit inside).'
p275
aS'How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!'
p276
aS"How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Silly, WASP's don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub."
p277
aS'How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb? Two.  One to pour the Tab, and one to phone Daddy.'
p278
aS"How many Marxist's does it take to change a light bulb? None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution."
p279
aS'How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilizationto the point where they need light bulbs again.'
p280
aS'How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None of your damn business!'
p281
aS"How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they're really only one."
p282
aS'How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.'
p283
aS"How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny!!!"
p284
aS'How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.'
p285
aS'How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!'
p286
aS'How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Both of them.'
p287
aS'How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.'
p288
aS'How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions.'
p289
aS'How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.'
p290
aS'How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.'
p291
aS'How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to charge the bill.'
p292
aS'How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.'
p293
aS'What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.'
p294
aS'How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.'
p295
aS'How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.'
p296
aS'How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes nine years.'
p297
aS'How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.'
p298
aS'How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.'
p299
aVAstronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours.So they decided to call it a day.
p300
aVButterflies are not what they used to be.
p301
aVDon't join dangerous cults. Always practice safe sects!
p302
aVWhy is it called a "building" when it is already built?
p303
aVI'm making a fruit salad and the recipe says Pineapples - Five cubed. Where on Earth am I going to get 125 pineapples?
p304
aVWe'll never run out of maths teachers.. because they keep multiplying.
p305
aVThings are always easier said than done..Except for talking, that's pretty much the same really.
p306
aVI've just been house hunting. One place had mirrors covering the walls of every room. I thought.. 'I can see myself living here'
p307
aVWhat do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
p308
aVHow is it possible to have a 'civil' war?
p309
aVI received an email asking me to send trouser zips to the address provided.But I ignored it, sounds like they're fly phishing to me.
p310
aVWhat did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
p311
aVI was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze..So I gritted my teeth.
p312
aVI bought an off-road vehicle in a blind auction..Got it delivered and It was a canoe.
p313
aVWhat's green and goes "Riggit Riggit" ?A frog with badly fitting false teeth.
p314
aVWhat does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
p315
aVI was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
p316
aVMy news years resolution is to save up and buy a velcro wall..and I plan on sticking to it!
p317
aVIf you were born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
p318
aVMy news years resolution this year is to give up sexual innuendos.But it's so hard..
p319
aVAfter hours of thinking I've finally decided on my new years resolution: 1920 x 1080
p320
aVI had a fight with a snowman last night. He didn't last long....things got a bit heated.
p321
aVI just pulled a Christmas cracker,erm.. There's a joke in there somewhere.
p322
aVI got my wife the leg off a mannequin for Christmas. It's not her main present..just a stocking filler
p323
aVWhat is Santa's favourite pizza?One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
p324
aVWhat do you call a snowman with a suntan? A puddle.
p325
aVOur kids always find their Christmas presents early, no matter where we hide them.So this year we've locked them in the attic..
p326
aVI've been seeing someone behind my girlfriend's back..I think she's got a stalker.
p327
aVI remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe.. It meant the world to me.
p328
aVIf you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
p329
aVDid you hear about the dumb woodworm?He was found dead inside a house brick.
p330
aVMy wife's head just spun around and then she vomited green slimeI've no idea what's possessed her.
p331
aVA skeleton goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a mop..
p332
aVDid you hear about the cobbler who made a satanic pact?He sold his sole to the devil.
p333
aVWhy didn't the skeleton go to the party?Because he had no body to go with.
p334
aVA ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
p335
aVIf you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
p336
aVIf a plane is an aircraft, does that make a broom a witchcraft?
p337
aVWhy did Dracula go to the doctors?Because of his coffin.
p338
aVYou feel stuck with your debt..If you can't budge it.
p339
aVI was gonna nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought Screw it!
p340
aVWhat do you call a man who can't stop stealing? Nick.
p341
aVI accidentally left an apple outside my local GP's surgery.Now he won't be able to get in.
p342
aVI've just been given a pack of playing cards covered in strawberry jam..I'm finding them very had to deal with.
p343
aVSometimes I laugh so much that a bit of wee comes out. It's really starting to worry me..Why is wee coming out of my mouth?
p344
aVI bloody hate flash mobs.One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe.
p345
aVI took the rear view mirror out of my car, and since then..I've never looked back
p346
aVMy local butcher is seven foot tall and a size fourteen shoe.. what does he weigh? Sausages.
p347
aVWhat do you call a man with a rabbit in his mouth?Warren.
p348
aVMy younger brother was named after my fatherA bit confusing when your brother is named 'Dad' though.
p349
aVWhat do you call a man with a map on his head? Miles.
p350
aVWhat do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina.
p351
aVWhy did the football manager give his team lighters? Cos they kept losing all of their matches.
p352
aVOne Bear.(That's the bear minimum)
p353
aVMy uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.He's the Spokesman.
p354
aVI just got a Scottish sheep dog from the pound, but sadly my wife can't see it..She's collie blind.
p355
aVWhat do you call a woman who stands straddling a river? Bridgette.
p356
aVWhat's a twack? Something a twain wuns on.
p357
aVI distorted a Tortoise earlier..Now it's just an Oise.
p358
aVI keep having a recurring nightmare where I'm surrounded by loads of pregnant women in labour.I think I may be having a midwife crisis..
p359
aVWhat's the definition of a snail?A slug with a crash helmet.
p360
aV31 years ago today the doctor delivered me.I can't believe I've survived so long without a liver.
p361
aVI work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital..It's a re-warding job.
p362
aVI've just been outside helping a guy in a black robe with a scythe clear the frost off his car. I was de-icing with death.
p363
aVMy grandfather puts horse manure on his rhubarb..I prefer it with custard.
p364
aVMy pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last..He was caught in a trap..
p365
aVI just saw on the news'Missing girl found safe'What I wanna know is..Could she crack it?
p366
aVWhat do you call a man who comes in through the letter box?Bill.
p367
aVWhat's small, brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?A coconut in disguise.
p368
aVDid you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? They're making headlines..
p369
aVMy dog is named Minton. Today he ate a shuttlecock.. Bad Minton!
p370
aVTo be frank..would involve changing my name.
p371
aVHow do you make a squirrel cry? Pinch it's nuts.
p372
aV2B or not 2B. That is the pencil.
p373
aVWhat do you call a run down Italian neighbourhood?The Spaghetto.
p374
aVDid you hear about the astronaut who stepped on some chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
p375
aVThe rotation of the planet Earth really makes my day!
p376
aVWhat kind of moron invented the fire blanket? Surely fire is warm enough already?..
p377
aVI thought opening the door for a lady was the polite thing to do..but she just screamed and flew out of the plane..
p378
aVI had a go at parachuting today.I went to the local airfield and said, "Stupid parachute morons jumping out of bloody planes"
p379
aVI bought a battery powered clock  today.When I got home, I noticed that they had given me the wrong one.I thought "This is a wind up!"
p380
aVWhy was the robot mad? Because people kept pushing its buttons.
p381
aVI just got back from a very emotional wedding.. Even the cake was in tiers.
p382
aVHow does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
p383
aVI was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando's when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw. I wish he would stop taking sides.
p384
aVWhy are there fish at the bottom of the sea? Cos they dropped out of school.
p385
aVHow did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
p386
aVWhy can't a bicycle stand on it's own? Cos it's two tired.
p387
aVWhy did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a hole in one!
p388
aVA policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview...I haven't even applied for a job there!
p389
aVMy mate just came fourth in a Body-Snatching contest. I told him "It's not the winning, it's the taking parts that counts"
p390
aVWhat's the best way to catch a rabbit?Hide in the bushes and make lettuce noises.
p391
aVA mysterious hole has been found in the local nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
p392
aVTwo vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says: "Sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger."
p393
aVWhy did the banana go to the hospital? Because he wasn't peeling well.
p394
aVSome people have a way with words, Others not have way.
p395
aVThe universe implodes... No matter.
p396
aVThe invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
p397
aVWhy did the orange stop? Because it ran out of juice.
p398
aVI just found out that 'Aarrgghh' is not a real word.I can't even tell you how angry I am!
p399
aVWhat's yellow and square?A tomato in disguise.
p400
aVMy mate walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free.Full credit to him!
p401
aVWhat do you call a sleepwalking nun?A roamin' Catholic.
p402
aVHow do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?You will see one later and one in a while.
p403
aV"Vodka! Whiskey! Tequila!" I call the shots!
p404
aVI got kicked out of my local music shop after asking about a Coldplay song. I was clearly looking for Trouble.
p405
aVIf a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
p406
aVI was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. But she finally said "I don't follow you"
p407
aVWhere are average things built?In the satisfactory.
p408
aVA huge section of tree just broke off and demolished a bank in town. I've no idea which branch it was though..
p409
aVWhere do boats go when they are sick? The dock.
p410
aVDid you hear about the vampire bicycle that went around biting people? It was a vicious cycle.
p411
aVAfter a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary.It just goes from bad to worse.
p412
aVHow come there is no other name for thesaurus?
p413
aVWhat do you say if you're talking to God... and he sneezes?
p414
aVTo whoever invented the zero..Thanks for nothing.
p415
aVMe and my limbo team go way back.
p416
aVApparently our local Police station has had it's toilet stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
p417
aVI've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. It's only 3 words but it's a start.
p418
aVI was going to do a joke about a germ, But I wouldn't want to spread it around.
p419
aVWhy does a hummingbird hum? Because it doesn't know the words.
p420
aVI had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles.It was a love triangle.
p421
aVA small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital. His Mother phoned to ask how he was and the nurse said, 'There's no change yet'
p422
aVWhy didn't Noah just swat those two mosquitoes?
p423
aVWhat happens if you go on a survival course..and you don't pass?
p424
aVI don't want to sound big headed but I wear a size XXL hat.
p425
aVWhose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an s in it?
p426
aVI was going to do a joke about construction.. but I'm still working on it.
p427
aVWhat do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud.
p428
aVI got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying 'bursary'.It was the only nursery rhyme I could think of.
p429
aVMy Doctor gave me something to treat my haemorrhoids. But personally, I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.
p430
aVI was gonna tell a joke about a roof, but it would probably go over peoples heads.
p431
aVWhoever put the letter 'b' in the word 'subtle' deserves a pat on the back.
p432
aVI ordered a hotel wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"
p433
aVWhen I found out that my masseuse is also a prostitute, I was relieved.
p434
aVI start my new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
p435
aVA duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken came running and said "No don't do it! You'll never hear the bloody end of it"
p436
aVGambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
p437
aVI never make mistakes, I thought I did once.. but I was wrong.
p438
aVNever iron a four leaf clover. You don't want to press your luck.
p439
aVWhat did the rug say to the floor?Don't move, I've got you covered.
p440
aVMy dog chased a kid on a bike, So we took away his bike.But he kept barking.So we gave it back.Because his bark is worse than his bike.
p441
aVThere's now a record number of male hairdressers in this country. More evidence of our society's descent into barberism.
p442
aVI had some time to kill..So I started with the mother in law.
p443
aVI was gonna do a joke about unemployment.. but it needs some work.
p444
aVMy family think I spend too much time doing dot-to-dot puzzles, but it's okay..I know where to draw the line.
p445
aVI had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was sole destroying.
p446
aVMy ex-wife hated my obsession with horoscopes. It taurus apart.
p447
aVLast night I punched my mates lights out..and got electrocuted.
p448
aVMy grandfather died recently, He spent his final years as a regular user of facebook..We won't see the likes of him again.
p449
aVI bought an answering machine today but I think it's broken.I've asked it loads of questions but nothing's happening.
p450
aVI've made loads of money selling my version of Polo that don't have a hole in the middle.I've made an absolute mint.
p451
aVA boat builder is showing his son one of his forests. He turns to him and says, "Son, one day all this will be oars"
p452
aVJokes about German sausage are the wurst.
p453
aVI've just been spending some time at my wifes grave..She still thinks I'm digging a garden pond.
p454
aVI just saw a sign in a shop'Mosquito nets £10'. It turns out he won it on a scratchcard.
p455
aVMy wife and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local petshop..I've just taken the lead.
p456
aVI used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead..It was my signature move.
p457
aVThis annoying guy on the bus wouldn't stop asking questions about how the journey would end. So I told him where to get off.
p458
aVI've just saved a ton of cash on the latest iPhone. I didn't buy one.
p459
aVMy wife just said I was ignorant..Nonsense! Why? I don't even know the meaning of the word!
p460
aVI tried sniffing coke once..and got an ice cube stuck up my nose.
p461
aVI just ate some mustard and had the strangest feeling that I had eaten it before. Dijon vu..
p462
aVThere was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning..It sent ripples through the whole building.
p463
aVThere are two things that always make me jump..My legs.
p464
aVI used to live in a normal house.. but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.
p465
aVI just bought a TV remote control with three buttons. I was surprised they let me pay with buttons.
p466
aV6:30 is the best time on a face clock..Hands down!
p467
aVI just love helium..I can't speak highly enough about it!
p468
aVMy mate keeps boasting that he owns a 3 foot pack of cards. Big deal.
p469
aVI just spent half hour grilling some chicken..but it still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road!
p470
aVI hate it when people mix their metaphors, I mean come on people! It's not rocket surgery!
p471
aVTwo cows in a field, one says"What do you think of mad cow disease?"The other cow replies "Won't affect me, I'm a helicopter!"
p472
aVSticks and stones may break my bones..I should probably drink more milk.
p473
aVI'd love to be a juggler. But I haven't got the balls.
p474
aVWhat happens if you get scared half to death twice?
p475
aVI've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.
p476
aVIf corn oil is made from corn.. and vegetable oil is made from vegetables.. what is baby oil made from?
p477
aVMy wife is such a looker..She's brilliant at hide and seek!
p478
aVThe woman next door keeps flashing me from her upstairs bedroom window.I've no idea how she got the car up there though.
p479
aVI don't believe in spanking my children. I find that waving a gun around works just as well..
p480
aVDrilling for oil is boring.
p481
aVI can see five years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
p482
aVWhy don't owls go on dates when it's raining? Because it's too wet to woo.
p483
aVMy wife said that I only ever want sex with her when I'm drunk.That's not true!.. I usually want a kebab as well.
p484
aVI used to be a bodybuilder..or 'The Dr Frankenstein Grave Robber' as the press preferred to call me.
p485
aVWhy do people always say that nothing rhymes with orange? When it doesn't!
p486
aVI really need to finish my essay on the wind..At the moment it's little more than a draft.
p487
aVI just bought my wife a length of rope with a bucket on the end. I'm sure it'll go down well.
p488
aVEver since I started trying to relive my youth at childrens playgrounds..My social life has been on the slide.
p489
aVAs I sat watching my dad draw his final breath I realised..We make a crap pictionary team.
p490
aVApproverypriateSorry - that was very in appropriate.
p491
aVStanding in the paint aisle at the DIY centre always brings a tear to my eye. I can't help but get emulsional.
p492
aVI've been asked out by a number of hot women in my time. 0 is a number, right?..
p493
aVSome annoying guy in the pub was shouting that he couldn't understand how to get outside. Needless to say, they showed him the door!
p494
aVThe local kids are all scared of the custard and jelly covered house at the end of our street. I've no idea why, it's obviously desserted.
p495
aVRelationships are a lot like algebra.Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
p496
aVI'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.
p497
aVI have ten arms, eight legs and 22 feet. what am I? A liar.
p498
aVDid you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
p499
aVI buy a different brand of cling flim each time I go shopping.Just to keep things fresh.
p500
aVWhat are the advantages of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
p501
aVNot bragging but guess who got a record deal today?..3 cds for £1.. Bargain!
p502
aVAlways remember that you are unique..Just like everyone else.
p503
aVI just saw a great documentary about how ships are kept together. It was riveting!
p504
aVI just gave my girlfriend a ring and proposed....that we break up. Then I put the phone down on her.
p505
aVTime flies when you're throwing watches.
p506
aVA duck goes into a shop and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The Cashier says "That'll be £1.50 please.The Duck says "Just put it on my bill"
p507
aVI haven't slept for three days, Because that would be too long.
p508
aVWhy do all these people with laser hair want to get it removed?
p509
aVWhen my mate gave me a leaflet about anger management..I lost it.
p510
aVFrozen sculptures are okay..Icy pose.
p511
aVI didn't do too well in the pub quiz the other night..I know nothing about pubs.
p512
aVKeep the dream alive.. Hit the snooze button.
p513
aVI just got hit by a rental car. It Hertz.
p514
aVMy grandfathers funeral has cost us over £14,000 so far..I knew it was a bad idea to bury him in a rented suit.
p515
aVDid you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement? He's finding it hard to deal with.
p516
aVWhat's the definition of a microwave? A flea saying goodbye.
p517
aVI slept right through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.
p518
aVMe: "Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" Dr: "Sit down and I'll deal with you later"
p519
aVI just got back from my mates funeral, He was killed by a tennis ball. It was a cracking service.
p520
aVHow do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car? Put it in the front seat.
p521
aVWhat is the same size and shape as an elephant yet weighs nothing? An elephants shadow.
p522
aVWhat do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
p523
aVDid you hear about the burger van that crashed into the casino? There were chips everywhere.
p524
aVIn a fight, I can beat anybody with one hand.. The guys with two hands are always more difficult though.
p525
aVI hated my job as an origami teacher..Too much paperwork.
p526
aVA number 12 walks into a bar, The barman says "Sorry but we can't serve you, you're clearly under 18"
p527
aVWhy can't a leopard play hide and seek? Because he's always spotted.
p528
aVWhy are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Cos they all have phones.
p529
aVWhen we were kids, we couldn't afford toys, holidays or even school uniforms..So our parents paid for them.
p530
aVI asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
p531
aVWhich month has 28 days in it? All of them.
p532
aVWhy are four legged animals bad dancers? Cos they have two left feet.
p533
aVToday is an incredible day for mankind.. for today I will rewrite history. history.
p534
aVWhy couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck.
p535
aVMy new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.. All I do is sit around and stuff.
p536
aVPeople always say that tattoos are a great way of preserving precious memories. In case you forget that anchor.. or your Mothers name.
p537
aVWhat do Rhinoceroses have that no other animal on earth has? Baby Rhinoceroses.
p538
aVWhy can't the human ear detect a dog's whistle? Because dogs can't whistle.
p539
aVI asked God for a bike, but then I realised God doesn't work that way..So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
p540
aVI don't mean to be pedantic, but does anyone actually have the 'Ghostbusters' number?
p541
aVWhy was the computer tired when it got home from work?Cos it had a hard drive.
p542
aVWhat's orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot.
p543
aVWhy did the tomato blush?Because it saw the salad dressing!
p544
aVMy indoor clothes dryer broke this morning..It was the end of an airer.
p545
aVI don't know why anyone would ever want a pocket calculator.. It's really easy to count how many pockets I've got.
p546
aVMy new girlfriends definitely a keeper.. She stinks of elephant dung!
p547
aVI struggled to lift a bottle of water earlier.. It was an Evian.
p548
aVMy girlfriend just told me she's really randy.. Devastated to find out she's actually a bloke.
p549
aVI once encountered a bear in the woods and accidentally played Dad instead of dead. Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
p550
aVI arranged to meet someone last night for some No Strings Attached fun.. I was bitterly disappointed when Pinocchio turned up.
p551
aVA woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double-entendre. So he gives her one.
p552
aVWhat do you call the kid who finally stands up to the bullies? An ambulance.
p553
aVMy wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension..She said she just couldn't take it any longer.
p554
aVMary had a little lamb, and then she had dessert.
p555
aVWhat's big, green and has a trunk? An unripe elephant.
p556
aVI just got a car for my wife. Great swap!
p557
aVPeople keep telling me I've got a good head on my shoulders..I wish they'd stop pointing out that I haven't got a neck.
p558
aVI read in the paper that you can support a child in Africa for just £20 a year. So I sent my kids there.
p559
aVMy father died of exhaustion after winning the Tour de France,I told him not to do a lap of honour...
p560
aVWhat's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.
p561
aVThieves have broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. The dirty bastards!
p562
aVI keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards,No one knows what I'm dealing with.
p563
aVThere are countless films without dracula in them..
p564
aVI had to shut down my lesbian poultry dating agency. I was struggling to make hens meet.
p565
aVI've no idea why my dog always goes mad whenever someone comes to the front door..It's hardly ever for him.
p566
aVHow do birds see what's behind them?By looking in their wing mirrors.
p567
aV"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cat." "Oh really, how long have you felt like this?""Ever since I was a kitten."
p568
aVMy mate just showed me his amazing new wind turbine..I was blown away!
p569
aVNever get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue..For the Devil has many forms.
p570
aVI told my wife she'd look better with her hair back. She was furious!I guess it was wrong to say that to a woman who's gone bald.
p571
aVI just love the F5 key on my keyboard. It's so refreshing.
p572
aVHow did Darth Vader know what Luke has gotten him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
p573
aVI just hit 180 going down the M6 and people told me car darts was a bad idea..
p574
aV'Age is just a number'. Nonsense! It's quite clearly a word!
p575
aVMy best mate died after taking an 'E'. The security at the Countdown TV studio don't mess about!
p576
aVMy father didn't love me as a child. Not surpirising really, I wasn't born until he was an adult.
p577
aVDid you hear about the pancake that went on a killing spree? He just flipped.
p578
aVIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.
p579
aVOur old sofa felt terrible.. but now it's fully recovered.
p580
aVI bought a new thesaurus today. It's okay I suppose, nothing to write house about.
p581
aVHere's a bit of advice for you. Advi.
p582
aVI have the attention of a goldfish. It's been staring at me for a few minutes now.
p583
aVI was hanging with a group of friends this morning when I realised.. I probably shouldn't have joined a suicide cult.
p584
aVMy doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath..but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!
p585
aVMy wife caught me in bed with an optical illusion.I told her it's not what it looks like.
p586
aVI went to a record shop and I asked 'What have you got by The Doors?' He said: 'A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!'
p587
aVMy wife just served me dinner, she made a terrible mess. I told her she'd be better off using a tennis ball.
p588
aVI just drove my car to a 4x4 specialist..It turns out the answer is 16.
p589
aVWhat do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.
p590
aVI waited for my wife to leave then went upstairs and slipped on a pair of her knickers. I wish she wouldn't leave them lying around like that.
p591
aVI've just finished filling my tank with petrol.. Now all my goldfish are dead.
p592
aVSo sick of my best mate laughing at my virginity.. After joking about it for the 100th time..I finally lost it with him!
p593
aVMy mate has a butler with a missing left arm, serves him right.
p594
aVI think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew it's seams.
p595
aVMy girlfriend cried the day I proposed to her on an escalator. It was moving.
p596
aVMy girlfriend kept going on about how much she loves drunken holiday sex.. Worst postcard ever!
p597
aVWhy can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?
p598
aVI have a £50 note but it's made of metal..I think it may be forged.
p599
aVWhy don't Arctic foxes eat penguins? Cos they can't get the wrappers off.
p600
aVMy friend had amnesia and couldn't remember how to walk up the stairs, So I had to go back and teach him step by step.
p601
aVMy wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. How could she say that?
p602
aVMy mate told me that his wife could do with losing a few pounds. So I mugged her.
p603
aVShe sells sea shells by the sea shore..Surely that's the worst possible place to try and sell shells..
p604
aVI used to be a tap dancer, but I kept falling in the sink.
p605
aVI've been revising for a practical exam on pest control. I was up all night swatting.
p606
aVMy grandfather was a baker for the army. When he went to war, he went in all buns glazing.
p607
aVI couldn't decide wether or not to sell my bed. So I slept on it.
p608
aVMan: Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a wigwam and a tepee. Doctor: Calm down, you're two tents.
p609
aVI've fallen in love. Were the last words I heard from my wife as she went overboard.
p610
aVHow do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye.
p611
aVI love my alarm clock. It's the reason I get up in the morning.
p612
aVI cannot help being lazy. It walks in the family.
p613
aVI was gonna throw all of my socks in the bin, but I got cold feet.
p614
aVA man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't like your tie-pin here."
p615
aVWhy was the mortgage sad? Because it was a loan.
p616
aVMy dad just came first in a drag race. I had no idea a man could run so fast in a cocktail dress and high heels!
p617
aVWhat do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost.
p618
aVWeighing an elephant is just like weighing a human..But on a much bigger scale.
p619
aVI've decided to marry a pencil,I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
p620
aVI rang the council to ask if I could have a skip outside my house. They said "You can cartwheel down the street for all we care"
p621
aVI'd like to go to Holland one day. Wooden shoe?
p622
aVAt school we discussed the great rulers. I opted for the Helix 30cm shatterproof.
p623
aVMy grandfather was ill so the Doctor told us to try covering him with lard..He went downhill pretty quickly after that.
p624
aVHow do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill.
p625
aVMy mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water...I think he meant well.
p626
aVMy wife reckoned she could sing more football terrace songs than me.  But I beat her easily. She had no chants.
p627
aVHow did the prawn meet his girlfriend? On the net.
p628
aVIf I make you breakfast in bed, A simple 'Thank you' is all I need. Not all this 'Who are you and what are you doing in my house?' Nonsense.
p629
aVPolice are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match. They need to catch him before he strikes again.
p630
aVMy best mate was a hairdresser. He passed away recently, but at least he died doing what he loved..Dying.
p631
aVI've just bought a border collie.The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
p632
aVThis guy just had a go at me for scratching his CD, so I ripped him a new one!
p633
aVSome guy just came to the door saying he was collecting for the local childrens home, so I gave him my kids.
p634
aVI've just seen the new Batman trailer. I prefer the Batmobile.
p635
aVMy wife has no hands. I feel for her.
p636
aVHow do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.
p637
aVI've decided to stop wearing glasses. Cos it makes me look harder.
p638
aVWhen I'm in America I drive on the right side of the road, which is of course the left.
p639
aVI'm against public protests, but I don't know how to show it.
p640
aVWanna hear a knock-knock joke? Okay, Two guys walk into a bar..
p641
aVThe word 'Gnba' really makes me angry. It's bang out of order!
p642
aVMy last wish with the genie was either for a brilliant memory or a huge penis. I forgot which one I chose.
p643
aVWhen I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof. I was shocked!
p644
aVI used to earn a living doing backing vocals. I can still remember the words "This vehicle is reversing".
p645
aVA Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
p646
aVI come from a long line of Conga dancers.
p647
aVMy sister just had a baby boy, they've decided to call him Mark, but with a C. Cark
p648
aVTo Err is Human, to Arrr is Pirate!
p649
aVDo you ever get half way through eating a horse and you realise you weren't as hungry as you thought?
p650
aVI don't know why I bought this new coconut shampoo. I haven't even got any coconuts.
p651
aVI called up a takeaway and said "do you deliver" They said "No, we do lamb, chicken or fish"
p652
aVWho's in charge of the hankies? The handkerchief..
p653
aVA nose walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry sir but I can't serve you....You're clearly off your face"
p654
aVI'm currently writing a mystery novel. Or am I?
p655
aVMy local Balti house has a wardrobe that leads to a magical land. Naania.
p656
aVI'm in a heavy metal band. I play lead..
p657
aVMy mate is a professional jester, but he's currently out of work. He's nobody's fool!
p658
aVOn holiday with my wife and I cannot believe how tiny and revealing her bikini is. The colour suits me though.
p659
aVA contestant just accused me of being an unfair gameshow host. Point taken!
p660
aVTwo inmates escaped from prison, one is 6'9 the other is 3'4. Police are hunting high and low.
p661
aVI just stole a guys wallet and he chased me for almost three miles. I gave him a good run for his money.
p662
aVWhat do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements? Bernadette.
p663
aVI just finished my degree in ballet. I got a 2:2.
p664
aVI went to the library and asked if they had any books on kittens. The librarian replied "No sorry, all of our books are on shelves".
p665
aVWhy does a flamingo lift up one leg? Because if it lifted both it would fall over.
p666
aVI left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I wonder what she's up to now?..
p667
aVThe last time I saw my sister was at an Oasis concert. I was standing in the croud shouting "Go Oasis Go!". I haven't seen her since.
p668
aVA man had 33 bulls and 33 cows Each pair had a calf. He thought he now had 99 cattle, but he had 100. When he rounded them up.
p669
aVI've spent all day looking for my cat with one eye..I should have used both eyes really.
p670
aVI just got a hair cut. Now I'm thinking about getting all the others cut too.
p671
aVI've decided to take the day off today. From now on it will simply be known as 'To'
p672
aVMy wife accused me of having OCD. I soon put her in her place.
p673
aVElvis Presley was clearly illiterate. It's L for Las Vegas, Not V!
p674
aVWanna know what really makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.
p675
aVI've no idea why my new plug in air fresherner won't work. I plug it in and switch it on. Nothing! It just doesn't make scents.
p676
aVWhat do you use to make a walrus smooth? Seal irons.
p677
aVI said to the doctor "Can you give me something for my liver?" So he gave me a pound of onions.
p678
aVHow do you make Anti-freeze? Hide her blankets.
p679
aVMy wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then we met.
p680
aVIt takes balls to be a transvestite.
p681
aVDid you hear about the one legged sumo wrestler? He was a total pushover.
p682
aVMy Dad lost his job at the cemetary after burying someone in the wrong hole. Grave mistake!
p683
aVSo what if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or raise a family? At least I know the whole periodic table of elements!
p684
aVI just got the morning post and one envelope read 'Photographs Do Not Bend'. Liars! I folded it in half really easily!
p685
aVOnce I get a few drinks inside me, I find there is one thing I cannot stand. Up.
p686
aVMe and my mates were at an Indian restaurant and some guys started throwing rice at us. So we threw rice back at them. We had a pilau fight.
p687
aVI'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines. They make me jump.
p688
aVMy ex wife was deaf, she left me for a deaf friend. I should have seen the signs.
p689
aVNot happy with my camping trip travel insurance. Apparently If someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.
p690
aVFor my next trick, I will eat a musical instrument in a bread bap. Drum roll please.
p691
aVTwo naked oiled up women just burst in my house and started wrestling with my wife. Luckily, I was able to knock one out.
p692
aVEvery time I try to pour a round of drinks it ends up all over the floor. I think I need glasses.
p693
aVI almost had a threesome last night. I just needed two more people.
p694
aVWaited in line for hours outside the club last night whilst the doorman checked ID's. He was taking ages.
p695
aV'I' before 'e' except after 'c' has been disproved by science.
p696
aVMy favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It's called a Lunch.
p697
aVToday I have officially been sober for 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
p698
aVI'm so poor that I've been forced to eat my mates herb garden. I'm living on borrowed thyme!
p699
aVWhat do we want? Another question! When do we want it? Thanks!
p700
aVSean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47Ooh yeah. I'm really into Bond age.
p701
aVI think my mate from the Greater Manchester area may be a transvestite. He has a Wigan address.
p702
aVI just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but I ended up really liking it.
p703
aVMy son starts school on Monday and is so scared of being picked on. I guess it's my own fault for calling him 'Someoneyourownsize'
p704
aVSo you're here for crap jokes? Well check this one out! one.
p705
aVI have kleptomania, but it's okay. I'm taking something for it.
p706
aVI have an EpiPen, My best mate gave it to me as he lay dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
p707
aVI just bought an awful cheap thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful!
p708
aVA man in a pub asks for a pack of helicopter-flavoured crisps. The barman says "Sorry mate, we've only got plane"
p709
aVWhat can think the unthinkable? An itheberg.
p710
aVI've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
p711
aVI went through 3 whole magazines at the doctors earlier. I would have kept on killing but they wrestled the gun away from me.
p712
aVWhen my wife found out I'd replaced our bed with a trampoline She hit the roof.
p713
aVMe and my mate were fighting over which was the best vowel. I won!
p714
aVI like to get around town in a giant hamster ball. It's just how I roll.
p715
aV'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing. Unless you're at a funeral.
p716
aVI hate it when I'm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I get off and eat a bacon sandwich.
p717
aVI just took the 6 o'clock Birmingham train. The people from the train company were furious and made me give it back.
p718
aVFirst rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gossip, utter...
p719
aVHow do you stop moles from digging up your garden? Hide their spades.
p720
aVMy love life is like a pack of cards, first it was all hearts and diamonds. Now I'm after a club and a spade!
p721
aVI just got a new ringtone. This anal bleaching really is good!
p722
aVWhen someone is bothering you, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown..but only 5 muscles to pull a trigger.
p723
aVThere was a strike at work today! But then that's not unusual when you work in a bowling alley.
p724
aVI just got a job as a street cleaner. No training, they said. I'd just pick it up as I went along.
p725
aVDo hot blondes get pop-ups saying, "A 37 yr old ugly virgin from Solihull wants to have sex with you"?
p726
aVDont make fun of fat people, they have enough on their plates.
p727
aVThe good thing about life is that even if you're crap at it, you're guaranteed at least two certificates.
p728
aVMy doctor has a great sense of humour. He leaves me in stitches.
p729
aVA plateau is the highest form of flattery.
p730
aVI've started taking steps to cure my alcoholism. It hasn't worked, I've just got loads of angry window cleaners after me.
p731
aVMy doctor told me I had high blood pressure, I took this news like I do everything else. With a pinch of salt.
p732
aVI've lost loads of weight this month! This whole 'not having any money for food' thing is really working out well.
p733
aVI can't believe how dangerous the world is. Just yesterday, I went into a McDonalds toilets and mugged someone.
p734
aVI've always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn't speak to them for 2 years.
p735
aVWhat's the difference between pink and purple? The grip.
p736
aVWhat stands in a field and goes "Oooooh!"? A cow with no lips.
p737
aVIf I asked you to sleep with me, Yes or No. Would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?
p738
aVI've been engaged quite a few times, but never took the plunge. There have been quite a few near Mrs.
p739
aV"The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium," Tom said halfheartedly.
p740
aVWhen the wheel was invented. It started a revolution.
p741
aVThe invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.
p742
aVTwo years ago I asked my dream girl on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no on both occasions.
p743
aVI was gonna go hiking in the hills with my mate Max, but he refused to go. He's a real anti-climb Max.
p744
aVI've been hard at work all day. I had no idea viagra lasted so long!
p745
aVWhy was the detective fired after the peanut factory robbery? Cos he refused to deal with a nut case.
p746
aVDescribe yourself in three words. 1) Lazy 2) 3)
p747
aVMy doctor told me that I needed to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.
p748
aVWho's the coolest person in a hospital? The ultra sound guy.
p749
aVHow many oranges grow on the average orange tree? All of them.
p750
aVEinstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too!
p751
aVWhat do you call a woman sat under a cow? Pat.
p752
aVVelcro. What a rip-off!
p753
aVI was gonna send my awful 'Fish in Herb Sauce' back to the chef. But I'm not sure sure if it's the thyme or the plaice.
p754
aVWhat do you call a man who always wins? Victor!
p755
aV"Torture me" said the masochist. "No" the sadist smiled.
p756
aVWe once had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.  Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!
p757
aVI went back this girls place and she had a 10-foot lightswitch. It was a massive turnoff!
p758
aVWhat do you get if you jump into the red sea? Wet.
p759
aVI couldn't stay awake at work. I kept falling asleep and dreaming I was the Michelin man. I was very tyred.
p760
aVI've just had a ploughman's lunch. He wasn't very happy about it.
p761
aVTwo cows in a field, one says "moooooooooooo". The other cow says "Damn.. I was gonna say that!"
p762
aVHow do you make a horse drink? Put it in a blender.
p763
aVWhere there's a will, there's a relative.
p764
aVI took my wife's family out for tea and biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.
p765
aVMy computer just beat me at chess. Beat its ass at kickboxing though..
p766
aVMy house cleaner is getting really annoying. She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.
p767
aVI bought my wife a desk-lamp for her birthday, her face is really gonna light up when she sees it.
p768
aVI have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.
p769
aVA man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road"
p770
aVI told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
p771
aVThe man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
p772
aVI wonder what 'DON'T TOUCH' is in Braille?
p773
aVI walked down a street and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.It was a trip down memory lane.
p774
aVAll in all... it was a good orgy.
p775
aVI've got 22 notches on my bedpost. It's not easy trying to stab somebody in the dark.
p776
aVI just love the smell of Grandma's cooking. So I set fire to an old peoples home.
p777
aVWhat was more useful than the invention of the first telephone? The second telephone.
p778
aVThe label on my biscuits said "Store in a cool place "So I mailed them to Samuel L Jackson's house.
p779
aVWhen is it bad luck to have a black cat cross your path? When you're a mouse.
p780
aVOur chemist was robbed of its stock of Viaga yesterday. Police are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
p781
aVI found out recently that my wife had an affair with a dwarf. I can't believe she would stoop so low.
p782
aVAs a masochist I enjoy getting up at 3am and having a cold shower. So I don't.
p783
aVAncient Chinese Proverb: Man who run behind car get exhausted.
p784
aVI'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
p785
aVMy ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed. I've been erased from her mammary.
p786
aVTwo cats named 123 and Une-Deux-Trois swam across a river. 123 Cat made it but Une-Deux-Trois Cat Sank.
p787
aVWhat's ET short for? Cos he's only got little legs.
p788
aVI was once arrested for resisting arrest. I still don't know how.
p789
aVWhat kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
p790
aVI walked into a bar with my pet newt. The bartender asked 'What's that thing? Its tiny' 'I know, Its my newt'
p791
aVDuring which battle was Lord Nelson killed? His last one.
p792
aVTwo men fighting in a restaurant. One threw a prawn cocktail at the other and said. "That's just for starters"
p793
aVI'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
p794
aVHad a massage today, I came away in a foul mood. They rubbed me up the wrong way.
p795
aVI call my wife treasure, cos she looks like she's just been dug up.
p796
aVI was sat in traffic the other day. Got hit by a car.
p797
aVNobel Peace Prize, I'd kill for one of those!
p798
aV"My career is in ruins!" said the archaeologist.
p799
aVIs it 'I will RUN through a camping site'? Or 'I will RAN through a camping site'? (Cos it's past tents)
p800
aVI'll never forget my granddad's last words..He said 'That bus is going quite fast'.
p801
aVI've always wanted to be a doctor, but I've never had the patience.
p802
aVMy wife broke up with me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. But I intend to win her back.
p803
aVThe past, the present and the future were having an argument. It was tense.
p804
aVMy Grandma died on her 100th birthday. It was a real shame as we were only half way though giving her the bumps.
p805
aVI just bought some expensive venison. It's dead deer.
p806
aVA mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
p807
aVI met my wife on the net. We were both terrible trapeze artists.
p808
aVDid you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? It had mittens.
p809
aVI remember how much things changed when my last girlfriend got pregnant. Like my name, address and telephone number.
p810
aVMy wife wanted to be taken out somewhere expensive, so I took her to a petrol station.
p811
aVI heard women love a man in uniform, so I got a job working at McDonalds.
p812
aVWhy do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
p813
aVWhat do you cal a fly that has retired? A flew.
p814
aVHow do you keep an idiot in suspense?
p815
aVWhat ended in 1887? 1886.
p816
aVWhat's blue and looks like a bucket? A blue bucket. What's red and looks like a bucket? A blue bucket in disguise.
p817
aVMy grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it though.
p818
aVDid you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
p819
aVWhy did the baker have dirty hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
p820
aVI intend to live forever or die trying!
p821
aVA girl I fancy just phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
p822
aVI was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, 'What have you got there?' I replied 'Hummus'
p823
aVI fought a guy on some moving stairs today, we started arguing at the bottom and things just escalated from there!
p824
aVMy doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics. It runs in my genes.
p825
aVMy local theatre is showing a play called 'The Dictionary'. It's a play on words.
p826
aVIf you loiter in a Tibetan holy leader's sandwich shop, You dilly dally in the dalai's deli.
p827
aVI arranged a pessimists meeting today, it wasn't a great turn out. The room was half empty.
p828
aVDid you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
p829
aVNo matter how much you push the envelope, it will always remain stationary.
p830
aVDid you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?. Well, well, well!
p831
aVWhat do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
p832
aVResearch shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
p833
aVWhat did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe damnit breathe!
p834
aVHow do you confuse a moron? 16.
p835
aVMary Rose sat on a nail Mary rose.
p836
aVI don't like birthdays. Too many will kill you.
p837
aVI took my tomcats to get neutered today. No hard felines.
p838
aVWhat's the difference between a well dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
p839
aVOur ice cream man was found slumped in his van, covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
p840
aVMy mate just spent £30 on a chicken that doesn't lay eggs. Cock.
p841
aVWhat's red and bad for your teeth? A house brick.
p842
aVI poured spot-remover on my dog and now he's gone.
p843
aVWhy did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke hadn't been invented yet.
p844
aVComic Sans walks into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the barman. "We don't serve your type."
p845
aVWho will take the second shot in the pub snooker game? We'll find out after the break.
p846
aVI think my brother is heading for another breakdown. He's an AA man.
p847
aVJust got a text 'I'm so dirty. I need you to do me right now'. Unfortunately it was from the dishes in my sink.
p848
aVWhy did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.
p849
aVI met somebody at work today called William Hill. What are the odds?
p850
aVWhat do you call a guy who lives in a bush? Russell.
p851
aVWhat do you call a man in a slow-cooker? Stu.
p852
aVI went to the supermarket to buy some ingredients to make soup, but they were out of stock.
p853
aVI take steps to avoid lifts.
p854
aVI took a poll recently and 100% of people were annoyed that their tent had fallen down.
p855
aVI was so upset the day I found my first grey hairs. I thought I'd dye.
p856
aVI'd like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers on his bus.
p857
aVWhy can't T-Rexes clap their hands? Cos they're extinct.
p858
aVI hate being manic depressive. It's great!
p859
aVCalifornia has the highest rates of depression and adultery in America. Such a sad state of affairs.
p860
aVWhat do you call a man who lives in a back street? Ali.
p861
aVThe local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No fence. Nun taken.
p862
aVYou've seen one shopping centre. You've seen the mall.
p863
aVI named my Iphone "Titanic". It's syncing now.
p864
aVMy dog went to the flea circusand stole the show.
p865
aVJust saw a sign'Mute budgie for sale - Not going cheap'.
p866
aVI never let my children listen to jazz or classical music. It's full of sax and violins.
p867
aVI've got a perfect chicken proof garden. It's impeccable
p868
aVI just saw a man and woman at the supermarket wrapped in a barcode. I thought "They must be an item".
p869
aVWhenever I see a sign that says 'keep off the grass'. I wonder how it got there.
p870
aVWhat do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid.
p871
aVI ate the CRAZIEST snack at the pub last night. It was nuts.
p872
aVI asked the cashier at the window of the service station for a Galaxy. She came back with a Milky Way.
p873
aVI was once cast as Oliver in a silent interpretation of Oliver Twist, It was brilliant. I couldn't ask for more!
p874
aVGames that involve throwing a 2 kilo circular object as far as possible have no place at the Olympics. Discus.
p875
aVWords cannot express how limited my vocabulary is.
p876
aVWhy did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila!
p877
aVMet a girl in the club last night, she said "Take me home and I will do literally anything you want." Best omelette EVER!
p878
aVA cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi".
p879
aVI saw a sign in a second hand shop 'Half price TV - no volume control' I thought "I can't turn that down!"
p880
aVI need a filling, but I've been to the dentist before so it's okay. I know the drill.
p881
aVWhat do you call a guy in a lot of debt? Owen.
p882
aVI told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!
p883
aVI used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
p884
aVWhere does a cucumber go to get drunk? A salad bar.
p885
aVDid you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.
p886
aVSay "poo" and your mouth does the same motion as your anus. The exact same can be said for "violent explosive diarrhoea"
p887
aVI've just been on a positive thinking course. It was crap.
p888
aVThe worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.
p889
aVWhy do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!
p890
aVWhat's green and climbs walls? An overly ambitious cucumber.
p891
aVWhat's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
p892
aVWhen Dad died I vowed not to follow in his footsteps, I'd take a different path. In fact I'd avoid minefields altogether.
p893
aVPolice are after the 'knitting needle nutter' who's stabbed 6 people. They believe he's following some kind of pattern.
p894
aVI've spent the last 3 years looking for my ex-wife's killer. Still can't find anyone to do it.
p895
aVHow many immature people does it take to change a lightbulb? Your Mother!
p896
aVBuild a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.
p897
aVMirror inspector. Now there's a job I could really see myself doing!
p898
aVHow do snails fight? They slug it out.
p899
aVI used to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean.
p900
aVI used to be attention seeking, but look at me now!
p901
aVI can see no end, I have no control, I have no home and there's no escape. Definitely need a new keyboard.
p902
aVWhat do you give to the man who has everything? Penicillin.
p903
aVWhy didn't the teddy bear eat his dessert? Because he was stuffed.
p904
aVI just saw a guy in the pub carrying 12 pints of lager. I thought, that guy can really hold his drink.
p905
aVI booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late. She loved me wrong time.
p906
aVWhen people ask why I'm still single. I tell them I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.
p907
aVI guess you heard about me weeing in the newsagents yesterday? It was all over the papers.
p908
aVA limbo dancer walks into a bar and loses the competition.
p909
aVI don't drink alcohol for religious reasons. I drink it for other reasons.
p910
aVI'll never forget what Grandma said before she kicked the bucket. She said "Look how far I can kick this bucket".
p911
aVI had to quit my job at the orange juice factory. I just couldn't concentrate.
p912
aVKeyring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at once.
p913
aVIt must be difficult to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
p914
aVI recently lost my grandfather. That's the last time I take him to Ikea!
p915
aVI had to quit my job fitting tyres at the garage. I just couldn't handle the pressure.
p916
aV"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?" thought the spider.
p917
aVWhat did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
p918
aVWhat did the hat say to the scarf? "You hang around - I'll go on a head."
p919
aVMy parents divorced because my mother had an affair with a demolition man. Home wrecker!
p920
aVI was so excited when the hosepipe ban was lifted. I wet my plants.
p921
aVMy mate just lost his job at the pet shop. The boss caught him with his hand in the trill.
p922
aVI went to a seafood disco last week. Pulled a mussel.
p923
aVLast night I dreamt that I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.
p924
aVA new horror film. A sadist traps snowmen and forces them to melt bits of themselves to escape. Thaw.
p925
aVI put my clothes on the line earlier. I think my gambling addiction has gone too far.
p926
aVWent to the barbers today and had a no. 2. I thought it was just a fart but I ended up following through.
p927
aVTime flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
p928
aVI've just been assaulted by a troupe of mime artists. They performed unspeakable acts on me!
p929
aVI phoned a helpline about my weak bladder problem. It's 1p a minute.
p930
aVI hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.
p931
aVWhy do birds fly south for the winter? Cos it's too far to walk.
p932
aVWhy don't oysters give to charity? Cos they're shellfish.
p933
aVI'm not happy with the results of my cheap circumcision. It was a total rip-off!
p934
aVWhat's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
p935
aVI went to the local zoo but all that they had was one small dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
p936
aVA mute incontinent. Goes without saying.
p937
aVI used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.
p938
aVI'm terrified of negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
p939
aVI wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
p940
aVSomeone stole my mood ring. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
p941
aVWhat's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A snooker table.
p942
aVI hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
p943
aVIt takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
p944
aVToday I accidentally sent a naked pic of myself to my entire address book. Cost me a fortune in stamps.
p945
aVI'm giving away my roof for free It's on the house!
p946
aVI went to the doctors with a strawberry growing on my bum. The doctor said "I've got some cream for that"
p947
aVWhatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...
p948
aVWhat do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
p949
aVI took a urine test at the hospital today. My kleptomania is really getting out of control.
p950
aVA dentist and a manicurist had a terrible fight. It was tooth and nail.
p951
aVTwo pens had a race. The result was a draw.
p952
aVThere was a young Man from Peru, whose limerick stopped at line two.
p953
aVLately I've been feeling a void in my life. It's probably nothing.
p954
aVI was gonna tell a joke about a cookie. But it's too crummy.
p955
aVWhat do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people.
p956
aVIf vegetarians love animals so much then why do they keep eating their food?
p957
aVOur house doesn't have enough electrical sockets. It's a real power struggle.
p958
aVI used to be a plastic surgeon. That raised a few eyebrows.
p959
aVWhy have elephants got big ears? Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom.
p960
aVWhat's pink and slippery? A slipper.
p961
aVI don't know why this bottle of whiskey tastes so good, but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
p962
aVIf I had a penny for every time someone gave me their dog to look after. I'd have a pound.
p963
aVI occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked, but that's rare.
p964
aVEvery time I get undress in the bathroom the shower gets turned on.
p965
aVI was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
p966
aVWhat do you call a man with a car number plate on his head? Reg.
p967
aVMy son took his first steps this morning. The window cleaner was furious.
p968
aVI say no to alcoho, but it never listens.
p969
aVI took an airline to court over my missing luggage. They lost the case.
p970
aVAn E-Flat, a G-Flat and a B-Flat walk into a bar. The barman says "sorry but we don't serve minors".
p971
aVDon't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
p972
aVMy fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.
p973
aVWhats small red and whispers? A hoarse radish.
p974
aVWomen only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
p975
aVMy friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
p976
aVDentists are going on strike: brace yourselves.
p977
aVI love Dry erase boards. They're remarkable.
p978
aVWhy didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out.
p979
aVMy pencil isn't prone to making Freudian Slips, but my penis.
p980
aVTwo silk worms had a race. It ended in a tie.
p981
aVMy mate is just not the same since he almost drowned in a vat of lemon juice. It's left him very bitter
p982
aVWhat do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head? Claude!
p983
aVWhat's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
p984
aVI'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop any time I want.
p985
aVI do a ton of sit-ups every morning. That snooze button really gets a hammering.
p986
aVThe first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything".
p987
aVWent to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread. The birds were all over me.
p988
aVI just got back from the corner shop. Bought some corners.
p989
aVWhat do you call a guy with no arms or legs. On the floor? - Matt. In the sea? - Bob In a hole? - Phil
p990
aVHow do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.
p991
aVI was so upset the other day by an out-of-body experience. I was beside myself.
p992
aVI Slept like a baby last night. I shit myself and woke up screaming.
p993
aVIt's "Jamaican hairstyle day" at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
p994
aVSomeone very close to me died the other day. Luckily the bus wasn't full so I just changed seats.
p995
aVSometimes I use long words I don't fully understand. To try and make myself sound more photosynthesis.
p996
aVI got to work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk. I don't know what to make of it.
p997
aVWhen is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
p998
aVWhat do you call a Bear that's missing an ear? A 'B'
p999
aVMy crazy mate just jumped into a river in Paris. He's in Seine.
p1000
aVWhat's black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra.
p1001
aVI'm making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone. It's called Star Key and Hash.
p1002
aVMy mate just lost both hands in a horrible accident. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels.
p1003
aVWhat do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.
p1004
aVThe only time incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.
p1005
aVMy toothpaste gets jealous when I try to use other brands. It's ultra-sensitive.
p1006
aVI met a girl in town who told me she'd show me a good time. Then she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
p1007
aVAfter a recent accident, I managed to save loads of money on my car insurance. By driving away really quickly.
p1008
aVThere's no "I" in Denial.
p1009
aVA cement mixer collided with a prison van. People are warned to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.
p1010
aVMy dog just chased some kid on a bike, I had no idea my dog could even ride a bike.
p1011
aVFinancially I'm set for life. As long as I die next Thursday.
p1012
aVI dated a girl with a lazy eye, but it didn't work out. She was seeing someone else on the side.
p1013
aVWhat do you call a row of boxers stood side by side? A punchline.
p1014
aVThe doctor who did my circumcision was terrible. He got the sack.
p1015
aVI forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
p1016
aVAn old lady at the bank asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
p1017
aVDid you hear about the elf that got pick-pocketed? How could anyone stoop so low?
p1018
aVI have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.
p1019
aVMy wife laughed when I told her I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She soon shut up when I drove pasta.
p1020
aVDid you hear about the dyslexic rock star? He choked to death on his own Vimto.
p1021
aVWhat do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
p1022
aVMy friend told me today that I don't understand what irony is. Which was ironic, because we were at a bus stop.
p1023
aVHow do you make a cat flap? Throw it off a cliff.
p1024
aVWhat word becomes shorter when you add letters to it? Short.
p1025
aVWhy don't snakes have balls? Because they're terrible dancers.
p1026
aVWhy don't boxers have sex the night before a fight? Because they don't fancy each other.
p1027
aVI'm a virgin for religious reasons. God made me really ugly.
p1028
aVSometimes I put my head between my legs and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
p1029
aVI thought if I took the shell off my racing snail it would go faster. If anything it seems more sluggish.
p1030
aVI just recently ended a 5 year relationship. It's OK though, it wasn't my relationship.
p1031
aVWhat has four legs and goes boo? A cow with a cold.
p1032
aVTwo drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tish!
p1033
aVI was trying to fix my computer when I got a bad shock off the processor. It megaHz.
p1034
aVIf you ever get attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.
p1035
aVLast night my mate and I watched all 3 'Lord of the Rings' movies back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
p1036
aVI can jump higher than the average house. Because the average house can't jump.
p1037
aVMy best mate told me to treat his house as if it were my own. So I sold it.
p1038
aVWhy don't cannibals like clowns? Cos they taste funny.
p1039
aVIt's difficult for me to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells by the seashore.
p1040
aVI was struggling to work out how lightning works. Then it struck me.
p1041
aVI was gonna tell a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.
p1042
aVI stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
p1043
aV..and the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But he came fifth and won a toaster.
p1044
aVWhat do you call a girl standing between two goal posts? Annette.
p1045
aVHow do football players cool down during a game? They stand near the fans.
p1046
aVI've been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.
p1047
aVI'll never tell anyone that I'm secretly addicted to eating glue. My lips are sealed.
p1048
aVHow many people who are terrible at telling jokes, does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.
p1049
aVA hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with the atomic number 82. I'm easily lead.
p1050
aVA book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.
p1051
aVWhat do you call a kid with one arm, buck teeth, a monobrow and an eyepatch? Names.
p1052
aVI was gonna tweet a really good joke but the stupid autocorrect on my phone keeps ruining the lunchtime.
p1053
aVI got my hair cut yesterday. At first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me.
p1054
aVI just saw some guy chatting up a cheetah. He's trying to pull a fast one.
p1055
aVWhoever stole my copy of Microsoft office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay. You have my word!
p1056
aVThe wife insists we need more garden furniture. Not sure if I agree. I'm on the fence.
p1057
aVI never go to funerals. I'm just not a mourning person.
p1058
aVWhy doesn't Mike Tyson play Playstation? He's an Xboxer.
p1059
aVTwo fish in a tank. One says to the other; "You man the guns and I'll drive"
p1060
aVI don't know why, but someone keeps mysteriously adding soil to my allotment patch each night. The plot thickens.
p1061
aVWhy did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
p1062
aVA sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve food in here'
p1063
aVWhy couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.
p1064
aVWhat's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.
p1065
aVIf you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes.
p1066
aVOn which side do chickens have the most feathers? The outside.
p1067
aVI went to the doctors the other day and asked if he had anything for wind. So he gave me a kite.
p1068
aVSlept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
p1069
aVWhy was Cinderella kicked off the football team?Because she kept running away from the ball.
p1070
aVI cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
p1071
aVWhat's brown and sticky? A Stick.
p1072
aVWhy did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Because it was cultured.
p1073
aVI won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia!
p1074
aVDid you hear about the red ship that crashed into the blue ship? All of the sailors were marooned.
p1075
aVWhat sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!
p1076
aVDid you hear about the overly sensitive burglar? He was always taking things personally.
p1077
aVI put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my living room. I wanted to make it look more classy.
p1078
aVI spent most of last night in jail. Couldn't roll a double for the life of me.
p1079
aVI stubbed my toe in a library once. I had to suffer in silence.
p1080
aVI've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables. I'd better lilo.
p1081
aVWhich word in the Dictionary is always spelled wrong? Wrong.
p1082
aVWhat do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
p1083
aVWhat lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
p1084
aVWhy is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? Cos if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.
p1085
aVWhat cheese is made backwards? Edam.
p1086
aVWhat do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back? A Stick.
p1087
aVWhat's white and can't climb trees? A Fridge
p1088
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Chester. Chester who? Chester Drawers.
p1089
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Euripides. Euripides who? Euripides trouser, you menda these trousers.
p1090
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Thistle. Thistle who? Thistle be the last time I knock.
p1091
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Tuna. Tuna who? Tuna violin.
p1092
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Adder. Adder who? Adder big breakfast this morning.
p1093
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Francis. Francis who? Francis next to Germany.
p1094
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes Who? Dishes just another bad knock knock joke.
p1095
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Disguise. Disguise who? Disguise d' limit !
p1096
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, here I come!
p1097
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Yah. Yah who?I didn't know you were a cowboy.
p1098
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Woo. Woo who? Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.
p1099
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Panther. Panther who? Panther what you wear under your troutherth.
p1100
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Control freak. Now you say control freak who!
p1101
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Dismay. Dismay who? Dismay be a bad joke but I think it's funny.
p1102
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? No Car go vroom vroom.
p1103
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Nobel. Nobel who? No bell so I had to knock.
p1104
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Wooden Shoe. Wooden Shoe who? Wooden Shoe like to hear another joke?
p1105
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Alex. Alex who? Alex the questions around here!
p1106
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I'm fine thank you Hawaii you?
p1107
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Dumbell. Dumbell who? Dumb bell doesn't work so I had to knock.
p1108
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? A door is between us. Open up!
p1109
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? Don't call me a poo!
p1110
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? Doughnut ask, it's a secret.
p1111
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you!
p1112
aVKnock, knock. Who's There? Impatient Cow. Impatient Cow wh...Mooooo!
p1113
aVKnock, Knock. Who's There? Boo. Boo Who? No need to cry it's just a joke
p1114
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes the Police come out with your hands up.
p1115
aVKnock, Knock. Who's there? A Pile-Up. A Pile-Up Who? Ewwwwww
p1116
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Old lady. Old lady who? Wow I didn't know you could yodel.
p1117
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning.
p1118
aVKnock, knock. Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking!
p1119
aVI'm going on a blind date tonight. I hope our dogs get on.
p1120
aVWent to a chemist yesterday and said to the pharmacist "Excuse me I'm after some condoms" "Just a minute" he replied. I said"Yes thats them"
p1121
aVHave you heard about the new super sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
p1122
aVWhat gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.
p1123
aVI got an email today from a '32 year old bored housewife, looking for some action'. I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!
p1124
aVI've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth. I think they might be trying to groom me
p1125
aVFOR SALE: Packet of Polo's. Unopened mint condition.
p1126
aVYesterday I found out that my toaster isn't waterproof. I was shocked.
p1127
aVPeople ask if I still enjoy sex at 45?! I live at number 57, so it's not far to go
p1128
aVGoing to see Peter Pan again tonight. Never gets old.
p1129
aVTea is for mugs.
p1130
aVA bloke was shagging his overweight missus, when his phone rings."You'll have to ring me back mate, I'm in the tub" he said.
p1131
aVKetamine - just say neigh.
p1132
aVWhat's the best thing for a hangover? Drink loads the night before.
p1133
aVI drove past my gran's house this morning and saw 11 pints of milk on her doorstep. I thought, 'she must be thirsty today'
p1134
aVHow much does a grand piano cost? £1000
p1135
aVMy dad used to say: "Always fight fire with fire". Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
p1136
aVI'm not saying the wife's fat, but she puts her belt on with a boomerang.
p1137
aVMy Mrs has been told she'll have to lose weight if she wants to become pregnant.I told her.
p1138
aVWhat's big, grey and doesn't matter? An irr-elephant.
p1139
aVMy wife said that I'll find any excuse to drink. Speaking of beer...
p1140
aVFemale wanted, must have own pub. Apply with inn.
p1141
aVIf it's got tits or wheels, sooner or later you're gonna have problems with it.
p1142
aVI said to my wife:"If you lick my balls I'll come". She said; "Fuck off, you're coming shopping with me whether you like it or not!"
p1143
aVWhat's green and smells of pork? Kermit the frogs fingers!
p1144
aVThe Mrs is just like Heather Mills. She only wears half the shoes she buys!
p1145
aVI recently lost my job as a teacher. I got caught shagging the ugliest teacher in the whole school. Gross Miss Conduct
p1146
aVMy doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
p1147
aVOver 90% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past. Silly old fuckers!
p1148
aVMy uncle was jailed for his beliefs. He believed you could wank on the bus.
p1149
aVWhy do men die before their wives? They want to.
p1150
aVMy wife is temperamental. 50% temper, 50% mental.
p1151
aVWife to husband: "let's go out and have some fun tonight". Husband: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on"
p1152
aVMy grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers"
p1153
aVWhat's worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits.
p1154
aVLocal news: 'Amputee robber evaded police for 15 days'. That's amazing, considering he wasn't armed.
p1155
aVWhat do you call an aardvark that's just been beaten up? Vark.
p1156
aVI was recently on safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male male lions shagging. I thought "blimey, have they got no pride?"
p1157
aVI always call out my wife's name during sex. Just to make sure she's not around.
p1158
aVDid you hear about the man who fell asleep at the wheel? There was a terrible mess, clay everywhere...
p1159
aVDid you hear about the terrible accident at Spaghetti Junction? Twelve people were injured, and three pastaway.
p1160
aVWhat's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it his a windscreen? It's arse!
p1161
aVThe Mrs got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.
p1162
aVI told my cat I was going to teach him to speak English. He looked at me and said "Me how?"
p1163
aVI'm very good at remembering random facts. For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice. And that's just off the top of my head.
p1164
aVNever have a tactical wank before sex! Trust me, I learned that the soft way.
p1165
aVMy mates laughed at me because my girlfriend is imaginary... Jokes on them, they are too!
p1166
aVMy Mrs has recently started eating sofas, it's weird... But then again she's always had a suite tooth.
p1167
aVMy wife is so ugly she spent 5 hours in the beauty salon... Just getting a price.
p1168
aVHow do frogs die? They Kermit suicide.
p1169
aVI just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen!
p1170
aVThere are only 3 things that tell the truth: 1 - Young Children 2 - Drunks 3 - Leggings
p1171
aVLast night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I said I had a headache.
p1172
aVI thought that pulling the shell off my racing snail would help it move faster. If anything it became more sluggish.
p1173
aVWhy do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry!
p1174
aVMy girlfriend laughed at me when I said I had a car made from spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
p1175
aVI think my spell Czech is broken.
p1176
aVJust bought a suit made from cactus.I look pretty sharp in it.
p1177
aVMy wife is very big in fashion. She's a size 22.
p1178
aVI saw a woman wearing a t-shirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Implants?"
p1179
aV2 Thai birds asked me to join them for a threesome. It was just like winning the Lottery. We had 6 matching balls.
p1180
aVGuess who I bumped into in the opticians today? Everybody.
p1181
aVI felt like I was on the voice today! I farted on the bus and 4 people turned around.
p1182
aVAn Arab offered me 40 camels for my wife. Unfortunately, I don't smoke.
p1183
aVMarriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.
p1184
aVSome people think there are insects on the Moon. Lunar tics.
p1185
aVNever get stuck behind the Devil in a Post Office queue! The Devil can take many forms.
p1186
aVAlways follow your dreams. Except for that one where you're naked at work.
p1187
aVDid you hear about the guy who bought a sponge door? Can't knock it.
p1188
aVA kitchen knife and a spoon had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
p1189
aVNever moon a werewolf.
p1190
aVIf it wasn't for blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
p1191
aVThought I could hear onions in the fridge singing beegees songs... Turned out it was the chives talking
p1192
aVMy boss has just warned me that he has received complaints I'm a pervert. To be honest, I don't understand why, as I'm always hard at work
p1193
aVMy clever friend said that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.
p1194
aVA funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning. Thousands of fans attended.
p1195
aVGot thrown out a strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don't see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
p1196
aVJust spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house. That will teach my wife for saying she doesn't need me anymore.
p1197
aVMy wife broke up with me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.
p1198
aVI went up to the manager in Argos today and I said, "I want to buy a watch.""Analogue?" he said. I said, "No mate, just a watch."
p1199
aVYesterday a clown held a door open for me, I thought it was a nice Jester.
p1200
aVMexican friends? I have Juan or two.
p1201
aVWhat do you call a monkey in a minefield? BABOOOOOOM!
p1202
aVDo not trust atoms. They make up everything.
p1203
aVIsn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
p1204
aVI hate being bipolar, it's amazing.
p1205
aVWhat do women and Google have in common?  They both can't ever let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.
p1206
aVI just opened a kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head. I'm alright though, just some superfishoil injuries.
p1207
aVMy girlfriend from Thailand said having a small dick is no problem. I really like her, but I think I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.
p1208
aVWhenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her in.
p1209
aVA boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint. The crew have been marooned.
p1210
aVIts not my fault I have a double-chin. When God was giving out chins, I thought he said Gin. So I said I'll have a double.
p1211
aVMy wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school. So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him.
p1212
aVTook the wife's Valentines present back today. She said she wanted something black and lacy. Turns out she didn't mean football boots.
p1213
aVMy sister asked me if I wanted to wind her new born baby? I thought that's a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg instead.
p1214
aVI cant think of any boat jokes. Canoe?
p1215
aVWhat should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and consider lube.
p1216
aVHave you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world's cheese? The Hallouminati!
p1217
aVWent to a butchers to play poker last week. Left after an hour, the steaks were too high.
p1218
aVMan jumps in a taxi says "King Arthur's Close". Taxi driver says "Don't worry I'll lose him at the lights".
p1219
aVI called my dad from the shop saying I'd forgotten what orange juice he asked for. "Concentrate" he said, but I still couldn't remember!
p1220
aVI just bought some of that coconut shampoo. I don't know why, I've not got a coconut.
p1221
aVWant to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.
p1222
aVDid you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. Cannoli do so much. Now hes just a pizza history.
p1223
aVAs its Valentines Day, the missus has said she'll go on top tonight for a change. I love our bunk beds!
p1224
aVThere's been an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.
p1225
aVI'm in trouble with my wife after she asked where I was taking her today? It seems that over the coffee table was not what she wanted to hear.
p1226
aVIs it better to have loved a midget, than never to have loved a tall?
p1227
aVToday I looked at my wife and thought: This is the only investment which has doubled in my lifetime.
p1228
aVLearning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your partner catch you doing it!
p1229
aVIf love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
p1230
aVGot the missus a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day. She'll be made up! The hoovers as good as new now.
p1231
aVWhat did one light bulb say to the other on Valentine's Day? I love you watts.
p1232
aVWhat gifts do squirrels exchange on Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.
p1233
aVJust been on to travel agents looking for a weekend away somewhere in the Northeast. They said you can't beat Sunderland this time of year.
p1234
aVMy wife said our marriage is becoming stale because I'm not spontaneous. So I waited until she fell asleep and shaved her eyebrows off.
p1235
aVOur last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?". I said "Dust!".
p1236
aVBreaking News Adam Johnson is set to sign for Man United, after hearing they have players Young, Blind and Keane.
p1237
aVUgly birds are just like shopping at Pound Stretcher. You wanna be in and out quickly, before your mates see you!
p1238
aVEven though I've been married for five years I still can't help thinking about the one that got away. My wife's ex. What a lucky bastard.
p1239
aVI have SEXDAILY! I mean DYSLEXIA. Fcuk!
p1240
aVI heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.
p1241
aVI almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!
p1242
aVI've just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that very predictable Edward Scissorhands.
p1243
aVThe amount of people who confuse 'to' and 'too' is amazing two me.
p1244
aVWhat's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 9 pints
p1245
aV"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
p1246
aVJust found out I have a Chinese half brother after all these years. Can't wait to meet Mi Sib Ling.
p1247
aVI was watching porn last night when my mum walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.
p1248
aVI love cooking children and dogs. but I hate using commas.
p1249
aVI finally told my girlfriend that "I Love Her". She text backing saying "I luv u2". I was gutted, I thought what does Bono have that I don't
p1250
aVWhat's long and hard and makes women groan? An Ironing Board.
p1251
aVIf women are so perfect at multi-tasking. How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
p1252
aVWe call our grandad "Spiderman". He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
p1253
aVI can give you one vegetable joke about onions. But that's shallot.
p1254
aVWent for a job as a potato packer. Ended up getting the sack.
p1255
aVWhy did the joke about the roof get no laughs? It went over their heads.
p1256
aVMy brother says I need to stop quoting Run-D.M.C., but it's like that, and that's the way it is.
p1257
aVI know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.
p1258
aVI was playing rugby the other day and thought I'd scored a goal. But everyone just said nice try.
p1259
aVWe've been trying to think of some vegetable jokes. If you can think of any, lettuce know.
p1260
aVHave you ever tried to eat a clock? It's time consuming.
p1261
aVHarry heard that most accidents happen within two miles of home. So he moved...
p1262
aVMen at 26 plays football, Men at 40 plays tennis, Men at 60 plays golf, have you noticed every time you get older, your balls gets smaller?
p1263
aVI've been single for so long now, when somebody says to me, 'Who are you with?', I automatically say: 'Vodafone'.
p1264
aVAndy Murray has the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of his miserable boring persona! All he has to do is name his new daughter Ruby.
p1265
aVI started a band called 999 Megabytes We haven't got a gig yet.
p1266
aVWhen you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
p1267
aVThere was a prison break and I saw a midget climb the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me. I thought, well thats a little condescending.
p1268
aVI can't believe it's pancake Tuesday again. Honestly, it just crêped up on me.
p1269
aVMy wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
p1270
aVLazy People Fact #5626728943: You were too lazy to read that number.
p1271
aVAs I watched the dog chase his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused.". Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
p1272
aVWhat do you do if your wife keeps moaning at you? Put the phone down and order another drink from the bar.
p1273
aVMy mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted 'Are you gonna help?', I said '6 should be enough!'
p1274
aVI remember the days when 'Blue Ray' was an elderly gentleman who drowned in our local swimming pool.
p1275
aVFound out recently that my wife had an affair with a midget. I can't believe she would stoop so low.
p1276
aVMy recent Google searches: How to detangle my daughter's hair. How to detangle a really, really bad tangle. How to cut out a tangle. Hats.
p1277
aVWhy is abbreviation such a long word?
p1278
aVI had an argument with my friend about his small boat. We fell out.
p1279
aVThe new milk tray man from Liverpool, has been sacked after one day on the job. He delivered the chocolates, but left with a PS4, ipad and TV.
p1280
aVDid you hear about the midget who speaks to dead people that broke out of prison? The police are describing him as a small medium at large.
p1281
aVWent to the annual disco for the UK Dyslexic Association last night. Was great until the DJ played YMCA and then it was fucking mayhem.
p1282
aVButterflies just aren't what they used to be.
p1283
aVMy Wife has grown a little penis after she started taking steroids."Really, anabolic?" "No, just a little penis".
p1284
aVI wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble.
p1285
aVI think I've cured my wife's fear of being buried alive. The screams stopped about an hour ago.
p1286
aVPeople think I'm stupid, because I have a lisp. I'm thick of it.
p1287
aVThe good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want. As long as you are the one with the vagina.
p1288
aVWhat do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat? An extra-cholesterol.
p1289
aVAbout to watch a film with my girlfriend. Can anyone recommend a girlfriend?
p1290
aVI absolutely hate my mother-in-law. She's actually quite a nice person, but she brought my wife into the world.
p1291
aVLeicester are offering Man city fans a great offer on walkers crisps. It's buy one, get 1-3.
p1292
aVI was shopping with the wife for a present for her mother. She said she wanted something electric. I suggested a chair.
p1293
aVMaybe we should tone it down a notch. The neighbours changed the name of their wifi network to;"We can hear you having sex".
p1294
aVMy girlfriend left me because she says I only ever think about football. I'm gutted, we'd been together for nearly three seasons.
p1295
aVYou put 2 fingers in. Maybe 3, if it's big enough. Oh yeah, now that's how you wash a mug.
p1296
aVMy wife says I'm spoken for.
p1297
aVTwo reasons why I don't drink toilet water. Number 1: Number 2
p1298
aVMy girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, Sushi left me.
p1299
aVA British prisoner has squeezed 4 smuggled mobile phones out of his arse. All chargers have been dropped.
p1300
aVI met my wife at speed dating. She was livid.
p1301
aVHow much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
p1302
aVJust had a look when Sinead O'Connor was last trending on Twitter. It's been 7 hours and 15 days.
p1303
aVIt's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters but found over 15,000 matches
p1304
aVMrs and 3 of her pals squeezed into my car after weight watchers. I muttered "fat cows". The Mrs snapped "What was that!?". I said "You Herd"..
p1305
aVI took the mother in law out the other night. I love being a sniper.
p1306
aVPaddy on a 1st Aid Course Instructor asks: "What do you do if your child swallowed the front door key?". Paddy: "Climb through the window!".
p1307
aVDid you hear about the fella who had five cocks? His undies fit like a glove.
p1308
aVMary has 24 cupcakes she eats 9 at lunchtime, then she eats another 6 at dinner time. What does Mary have now? Diabetes
p1309
aVI pulled a proper fit bird Saturday night! Part Mexican and right up for it. She told me she was dyslexic. I said get your taco, you've pulled!
p1310
aVNo means no, unless she's dyslexic. Then it's on!
p1311
aVThe wife said she wanted to go and see Jeremy Kyle Live for her birthday. So I got her sister pregnant! We're on next Wednesday!
p1312
aVJust had a nice chat with my neighbours teenage daughter. Turns out she's right into UFOs. Which is handy, as she's getting abducted tomorrow.
p1313
aVThe wife complains that I don't take any interest in our children. That's the last time I offer to pick up the fat one from school!
p1314
aV20 seconds left on the microwave! Women:  Set the table, pour the wine, tweet, check Facebook. Men: Start a NASA rocket launch countdown.
p1315
aVI've just phoned and reserved a table to take the Mrs out on valentines night! She will be raging, she hates snooker!
p1316
aVWhen I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches!
p1317
aVI've just found out that the guy that stole my journal has died. My thoughts are with his family.
p1318
aVMy sex doll and I have been together for exactly a year today. To celebrate our anniversary, I decided to get her a book: Sex tips for Dummies
p1319
aVI can get you 5000 tampax for a fiver. No strings attached.
p1320
aVSpent all of my wages on skin cream. Bit of a rash decision!
p1321
aVStevie Wonder was given a cheese grater for his birthday. He said that was the most violent book he'd ever read!
p1322
aVWent to a swinger's party last night in my army uniform. Had to leave my khakis in the bowl.
p1323
aVMy parents used to beat me with a phone. I was always on the receiving end.
p1324
aVBeware of alphabet grenades! They could spell disaster!
p1325
aVRomeoandJuliet.doc is a play on Word.
p1326
aVExercise bikes get you nowhere.
p1327
aVYou know you're ugly when a boiling kettle won't even give you a whistle.
p1328
aVMy wife said she's leaving me because she can't handle my OCD. "Close the door ten times on your way out," I said.
p1329
aVI hate all this terrorist bollocks! Gone are the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think, I'll fucking have that!
p1330
aVMy wife bought a sheepskin burka for the cold weather.She looks like mutton dressed Islam.
p1331
aVTo the thief in the wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can't run.
p1332
aVDim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.
p1333
aVMy wife dresses to kill! Unfortunately she cooks the same.
p1334
aVI've just hired a hot 19 year-old Swedish girl with massive tits to babysit my kids. Now where the fuck do I get some kids from?.
p1335
aVMy driving instructor told me to wear a seatbelt or the force could throw me out of the car. I can't believe he thinks Star Wars is real.
p1336
aVI'd love to live in an old disused lighthouse. I don't want anything flashy.
p1337
aVI was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy though.
p1338
aVI had a dream I was a muffler last night. Woke up exhausted.
p1339
aVMight wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery, odds are about the same.
p1340
aVMy wife's a terrible cook, she can never get her sauces right! But I've stuck with her, through thick and thin.
p1341
aVI'm not saying I'm an ugly cunt, but I fucked a blind girl once who asked for the light off.
p1342
aVLife is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long if you're fat.
p1343
aVBoredom is an anagram of bedroom. My wife gets this.
p1344
aVMy blonde 19 year old next door neighbor has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? I nearly shit her knickers
p1345
aVScientists say that sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, but every time I try she slaps me and says I'm a creep.
p1346
aVMy dentist is a miserable fellow, always looking down in the mouth.
p1347
aVWhat's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your missus will blow your bonus!
p1348
aVMy wife says that my lying is ruining our marriage. But I reckon it's my big dick.
p1349
aVSunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops? "Bloody horrible", I said "Put your bikini top back on".
p1350
aVIf moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day?
p1351
aVDid you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon? The food's ok, but it has no atmosphere.
p1352
aVMy dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed and laughed. Then I remembered that my wife and I have different dentists.
p1353
aVBREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field. The steaks have never been higher.
p1354
aVHow does Stephen Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.
p1355
aVSomeone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road. That's the word on the street anyway.
p1356
aVYou know you're a good mum when you sacrifice your vibrator batteries for your kids toys.
p1357
aVI ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
p1358
aVIf you have sex on a boat. Is that considered off-shore drilling?
p1359
aVA customer was buying condoms at work today. I asked if he'd like a bag? He said, "No, she's not that ugly."
p1360
aVLast night i tried wife swapping for the first time, it's brilliant! I managed to get a new lawnmower for mine.
p1361
aVWhy is your mum like Princess Jasmine? She's always got Aladdin!
p1362
aVI told her I had lightning quick reflexes. Sounds better than premature ejaculator.
p1363
aV"None of those women have what I'm really looking for"."Oh yeah? What's that?"."Low Standards".
p1364
aVWhat do you call two old women who lick each others naughty bits? LesbiNans
p1365
aV'How would you like your eggs?' the waiter asked. "Sunny-side up, please" I requested. "Madam?" he asked my wife. "In a big cake," she wheezed.
p1366
aVI walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
p1367
aVMy wife says she's leaving me because of my addiction to antidepressants. Won't be needing them anymore then.
p1368
aVTomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy is.
p1369
aVPolice are looking for a man on suspicion of beastiality. He was last seen yesterday at 10:00am getting into a Jaguar..
p1370
aVI've just bought some Tesco viagra. I only got a semi but every little helps!
p1371
aVWent shoplifting in a Disney Store. Got the biggest Buzz ever.
p1372
aVMy wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure eight.
p1373
aVI've been searching for my stolen bed for three days! I won't rest until I find it.
p1374
aVMy wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
p1375
aVFirst thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...
p1376
aVMy wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.
p1377
aVI love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
p1378
aVWhoever decided to call it anal bleaching instead of changing your ringtone really missed out on an opportunity.
p1379
aVI'm not saying my wife's fat, but I struggle to lift her photograph.
p1380
aVYesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.
p1381
aVMy mum said "You treat this place like a hotel!". She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.
p1382
aV"Tits or Arse man?" I was asked. I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.
p1383
aVMy wife is finally losing weight thanks to a new slimming club.  If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it.
p1384
aVI did a few drugs last night with my shoelaces undone. Big mistake, I was tripping all night.
p1385
aVHave YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
p1386
aVNothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.
p1387
aVJust in Tesco and I put my veggies in with my Nintendo. Now my Wii smells of asparagus.
p1388
aVMy wife has had her panties stolen off the line! Fuming! U can keep the knickers but can we have the 40 pegs back please!
p1389
aVWhy don't supermarkets be more honest and rename their "Parent and Child" spaces as "Lazy Bastard with Massive 4x4" spaces?
p1390
aVWhen I get home late from the pub.I'm going to give my wife a right good listening to.
p1391
aVI was wondering if anyone could tell me which channel I could find the Women's FA Cup Final on? I've already checked cooking and comedy...
p1392
aVSpent all my savings on a sexchange. Now I haven't got a sausage.
p1393
aV"Can I have a pack of condoms?" I asked the pharmacist. "A small box?" he asked. "I hope so!" I replied.
p1394
aVGot out of the shower and my wife said "Look, its like a penis, only smaller". I said "Look, its like my secretary, only fatter and less flexible".
p1395
aVI had a wank over my ex girlfriend last night. Yeah I know it's wrong but I still have a key and she's a deep sleeper!
p1396
aVTwo guys at the gym, one is putting on frilly knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glovebox!"
p1397
aVI just sent the wife a picture of my floppy willy. I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.
p1398
aVWhy did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fucking hours ago.
p1399
aVMy Boss stormed up to me in the office today and said "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?" "Not particularly," I replied.
p1400
aV"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three hours.
p1401
aVTo some, marriage is just a word; to others, it's a sentence.
p1402
aVWind turbines: I'm a big fan.
p1403
aVMy wife asked me to pass the lip balm, but I gave her the superglue instead. She's not talking to me now.
p1404
aVThe missus accused me of being far too competitive! I said 'I'm not!, and i'll be the first to admit that'.
p1405
aVSomebody had the audacity to call me 'pretentious' earlier! I nearly choked on my skinny latte with caramel and hazelnut sprinkles.
p1406
aVI told my new yoga teacher I was an expert. She asked me to show the class a very advanced pose. This put me in a difficult position.
p1407
aVIf you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well..There's the door.
p1408
aVSat down with my missus today and discussed if we wanted children? Should have seen the kid's faces.
p1409
aVWhat do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
p1410
aVPeople laugh at my car because it's ugly and green. But at least I avacado
p1411
aVPaddy says "Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards Mick?". Mick says "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin boat".
p1412
aVI wanked over my blind girlfriends tits yesterday. She never saw me coming.
p1413
aVThe wife thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose. I work in a hammer factory
p1414
aVI really hate being a depressed atheist. Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
p1415
aVDid you hear that the Dalai Lama has a gambling addiction? He just loves Tibet.
p1416
aVThe wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car and kept the engine running.
p1417
aVHow does an eskimo build his house? Igloos it.
p1418
aVMy son just got a pull-up bar and is feeling a little weak. I told him to keep his chin up.
p1419
aVI was walking through an arts and crafts shop, when I saw a sign saying "Glue Sticks.". I thought, "No shit."
p1420
aVWent to the Ice Cream Van and asked for a 99. The Ice Cream Man asked if I wanted hundreds and thousands? I said 'no thanks mate, just the one'
p1421
aVMy mother in law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
p1422
aVI'm not saying my wife is ugly, but the milkman flirts with me.
p1423
aVThree sperm whales have been found on the beach at Skegness. Or as they're also known, local lasses.
p1424
aVPaddy in Wetherspoons: "How much is your lager?" Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher" Paddy: I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo."
p1425
aVI always found the fishmonger at our local market to be pretty unfriendly. In fact I'd describe him as a little standoffish.
p1426
aVThe inventor of the world's first organic coffins made entirely out of vegetables has died. May he rest in peas.
p1427
aVThe inventor of autocorrect went from zero to hero in a matter of seconds.
p1428
aVMy mate went to a charity night for women born without legs, he said the place was crawling with fanny!
p1429
aVWhat's the best way to talk to your mother-in-law? Through a medium.
p1430
aVWhat did the leper say to the hooker after sex? "You can keep the tip"
p1431
aVMy new girlfriend really takes my breath away. She's inflatable.
p1432
aVI'm seeing this girl with eczema. She's got a cracking body.
p1433
aVI worried that my addiction to helter-skelters is spiralling out of control.
p1434
aVI'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though.
p1435
aVI've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only a Quidditch.
p1436
aVMy friend's allergic to rice. He's basmatic.
p1437
aVMy wife says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well, I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.
p1438
aVI walked into the living room today and the wife had a box of Daz on top of the T.V.. I asked her why, she replied "there's was no Ariel".
p1439
aVI took the missus to a restaurant last night. I said "do you like peppa pig?". She said "yeah". I said "waiter some pepper over here please".
p1440
aVI asked 100 women "What shampoo do you use whilst showering?" 98% of them asked me to get out of the shower.
p1441
aVToday I went to toilet without my phone. There's 178 tiles in the bathroom.
p1442
aVThe man who invented Chinese whispers has died. Pass it on...
p1443
aV"Your underwear is too tight and very revealing" I said to my wife. She said "Wear your own then, dickhead".
p1444
aVLad asks Granny "Have you seen my pills,they were labelled LSD?" Granny replies "fook the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
p1445
aVGrandad leant over to Grandma "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" Grandma "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"
p1446
aVWhat's the worst thing about your girlfriend being pregnant? Having to tell your wife.
p1447
aVWife gets naked and asks hubby 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks at her and replies'Your sense of humour!'
p1448
aVA boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia. Doc "Have you tried counting sheep?" Boxer "Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up"
p1449
aVLife is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free. It's women who make it hard.
p1450
aVTwo sausages in a frying pan. One says "it's hot in here!" The other says "bugger me a talking sausage!!"
p1451
aVBreaking News! Ne ws
p1452
aVMy wife's a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.
p1453
aVMy wife said I only ever want sex with her when I'm drunk. That's not true. I usually want a kebab aswell.
p1454
aVI love eBay! I sold my homing pigeon eight times last month.
p1455
aVI went to the doctors the other day, complaining about my sore feet. He said "gout! "I said "fuck off, I've only just walked in!"
p1456
aVI can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
p1457
aVJust seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week. Might go if I've got nothing on.
p1458
aVI went in to a pet shop and said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is".
p1459
aVWent to an Indian restaurant last night and had a pelican curry. Food was ok, but the bill was enormous!
p1460
aVMade a chicken salad today. The little prick didn't eat it.
p1461
aVHow does Batman's mum call him to dinner? "Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman"
p1462
aVI went bobsleighing last night. I killed 15 people called Bob.
p1463
aVWhats the difference between a ginger fanny and a cricket ball? If you try really hard, Really really hard, You can eat a cricket ball.
p1464
aVWhat has four legs and flies? A dead hamster.
p1465
aVTwo monkeys are getting into a bath. One goes: "ooh ohh ah ah ah ah" The other says: "We'll put some cold in then".
p1466
aVWhat have David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher got in common? They both come in a posh box.
p1467
aVBought the missus a vibrator for her birthday. She's done nothing but moan ever since.
p1468
aVOur Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds. She's very tidy downstairs though.
p1469
aVWhat's the difference between love and herpes? Herpes lasts forever.
p1470
aVI was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze. So I gritted my teeth.
p1471
aVWhat do you call a whale with no pants on? Free Willy.
p1472
aVLast week I bought a fridge magnet. They really work. So far I've got 11 fridges.
p1473
aVMy wife and I always hold hands. If I let go she goes shopping.
p1474
aVWhat's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole chicken.
p1475
aVMy wife and I have what we call Olympic Sex! Sounds great doesn't it! It's not really, it only happens once every four years.
p1476
aVHow does Steven Hawking recover from a hangover? He presses F5.
p1477
aVI've got a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.
p1478
aVApparently most dogs in Korea are inbred. Like in a sandwich or something.
p1479
aVI've got a dog called Curiosity.
p1480
aVWhat is the main cause of divorce? Marriage.
p1481
aVMy Korean friend died last week. So Yung.
p1482
aVMy wife's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought East Enders was ending.
p1483
aVMarriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
p1484
aVWhat does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
p1485
aVLast night I got my laxatives mixed up with my viagra tablets. I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
p1486
aVWhat does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.
p1487
aVI had to tell my patient I'd dreadfully messed up his plastic surgery. I'll never forget the look on his elbow.
p1488
aVTampax are releasing a limited edition, egg shaped tampon. It's for the Easter period only.
p1489
aVI tell you what I love doing, trying to fit a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
p1490
aVWhy can't you borrow money from a midget? Because they're always a little short!
p1491
aVI just saw on the news 'Missing girl found safe' What I wanna know is. Could she crack it?
p1492
aVI used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
p1493
aVWhilst having sex I suddenly stopped and didn't move. Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this on PornHub it's called buffering.
p1494
aVHow doe's a Yorkshire man say "it isn't in the tin?" "Tin tin tin".
p1495
aVThey say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So I poke the mrs and say put the kettle on fatty.
p1496
aVMy wife was crying because the clothes in a +size catalogue wouldn't fit her. "Don't let it get you down" I said, "you're bigger than that".
p1497
aVI said to the chemist: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She keeps waking up.'
p1498
aVMy neighbour has at last forgiven me for flashing my bum at her. She's over the moon.
p1499
aVMy wife just left me because of my obsession with cricket. It's really hit me for 6.
p1500
aVSinging in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.
p1501
aVMe: When I was younger I was given a choice, a long penis or a good memory. Wife: Which one did you choose? Me: I can't remember.
p1502
aVI got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards! 'I thought, "That's just spam."
p1503
aVBreaking News: A mass fight has broken out in a petrol station. 23 People arrested in Total.
p1504
aVI was woken at 3 o'clock this morning by my burglar alarm. "Time to go out robbing," I yawned.
p1505
aVChickens don't have friends. They only have pen pals.
p1506
aVI've designed a plane made entirely from rubber, so that when it crashes, it bounces. It's a Boing 747.
p1507
aVI used to be very indecisive!! But now I'm not so sure.
p1508
aVReptiles are so enthusiastic! They're always up for it, right from the gecko!
p1509
aVHow can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
p1510
aVWhat have women and a building society account got in common? Once you withdraw you loose interest.
p1511
aVI've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.
p1512
aVI used to think that my girlfriend not wearing any knickers under her skirt would be sexy, until I saw the skidmarks on my sofa.
p1513
aVThe first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule, so we have an even number of rules.
p1514
aVMy girlfriend has this weird, sick, demented sexual fetish. Cuddling.
p1515
aVI just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.
p1516
aVI work in McDonald's and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink. Just ice was served.
p1517
aVI'm sure it was my two-year-old son who stole my pen. It's written all over his face.
p1518
aVI had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
p1519
aVSome guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
p1520
aVMy friend has got an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew.
p1521
aVIf there's one thing that makes me throw up its a dartboard on the ceiling!
p1522
aVMopeds are like fat birds! It's loads of fun until your mates find out you've ridden one.
p1523
aVI can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.
p1524
aVMy wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practising my reaction.
p1525
aVI'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.
p1526
aVHad a fight with an erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.
p1527
aVWhy did the mechanic sleep under the car? He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
p1528
aVI'm so bad at relationships even my bag for life left me.
p1529
aVSean Connery is 84 Roger Moore is 87 Pierce Brosnan is 61 Daniel Craig is 47. Ooh yeah.. I'm really into Bond age.
p1530
aVThe wife and I decided to have a clear-out and have put all our dogging gear on eBay. We havent had any bids yet but theres thirty-four watchers
p1531
aVI just saw a great documentary earlier about how ships are kept together. It was riveting!
p1532
aVIs it just me or does anyone else want to be a window cleaner in Amsterdam?
p1533
aVJust got banned from BandQ, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking! Lucky I got the first punch in.
p1534
aVThere was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning. It sent ripples through the whole building.
p1535
aVHow do you make a squirrel cry? Grab it's nuts.
p1536
aVWhy dont blind men skydive? Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
p1537
aVI asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
p1538
aVAfter a bad day I came home to find that somebody has ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.
p1539
aVMiss piggy goes to the doctors;"Doctor why is it that every time I have my ladies week, I end up with a frog in my throat?"
p1540
aVI was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought..Screw it!
p1541
aVLast night I accidentally saw the woman who lives next door masturbating naked on her bed. I was so shocked I fell out of the tree.
p1542
aVCelebrity Big Brother
p1543
aVWhat's the difference between Celebrity Big Brother and Big Brother? Nothing.
p1544
aVWedding rings are the prettiest, tiniest, most expensive handcuffs ever.
p1545
aVI hit my wife in the face with a chocolate bar from 60 feet away. I've studied aerodynamics.
p1546
aVA cure for dyslexia? Now that would be music to my arse.
p1547
aVWhat word is always pronounced incorrectly? Incorrectly.
p1548
aVMy wife's parking is unparallelled.
p1549
aVI recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home. I didn't like being ordered around in that manor.
p1550
aVMy girlfriend just asked me "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?" I said, "Fuck off, it would take ages to get there on a camel".
p1551
aVI lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
p1552
aVI live for my alarm clock collection. It's the only reason I get up in the morning.
p1553
aVMy car failed it's emissions test today! Fuming.
p1554
aVI think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
p1555
aVWhy do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
p1556
aVDid you hear about the two gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other.
p1557
aVWhat food kills a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake.
p1558
aVWhat did the banana say to the vibrator? "What are you shaking for?" "she's going to eat me!"
p1559
aVWas driving down the motorway yesterday in a hearse. Police pulled me over for undertaking.
p1560
aVWhen I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on!
p1561
aVI've told the wife I'm going dry for January. I really can't be arsed with foreplay.
p1562
aVLast night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy about it.
p1563
aVI remember 2015 like it was yesterday.
p1564
aVSaw a psychic yesterday but after 30 mins of her constantly laughing at me I punched her in the face. I always like to strike a happy medium.
p1565
aVMy wife said she was in the mood for something a bit unusual in the bedroom tonight. So I dragged the dishwasher up there.
p1566
aVMy son has just come home with a settee and two chairs. I'm fuming! I've told him not to accept suites from strangers!
p1567
aVJust turned on the TV to see Sydney and Tokyo have already started celebrating the New Year. Fucking idiots, it doesn't start until midnight
p1568
aVMy New Year's resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent.7. Learn to count.
p1569
aVMy new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant! Roll on 2016.
p1570
aVI'm in a same-sex marriage. The sex is always the same.
p1571
aVSo I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it"
p1572
aVWhat's blue and comes in pints? A Whale.
p1573
aVMy friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'
p1574
aVThe jumper I got for Xmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one. Free of charge.
p1575
aVLast night I saw a fat lad chatting up a fat girl. She turned him down though. She was worried he was just trying to get into her Snickers
p1576
aVWhat's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
p1577
aVHappy New Year everyone... Think I may have premature congratulation.
p1578
aVStatistics show the average person has sex 89 times per year. Looks like I'm in for an incredible few days.
p1579
aVI was working in a library and this bloke came up to me and said "Do you have a bookmark?" I said "Yes, we have hundreds, but my name's Dave"
p1580
aVWhat do Transvestites do for Christmas? Eat, Drink, and be Mary
p1581
aVI had to chase a mugger after he stole my wallet. He gave me a run for my money.
p1582
aVComas make a big difference in a sentence. For example, Ben is in a hurry. Ben is in a coma.
p1583
aV"Describe yourself in three words." "Lazy."
p1584
aVWhat's black and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
p1585
aVWhat's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke.
p1586
aVSo my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well I've got some news for her.
p1587
aVWhat are the benefits of moving to Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus!
p1588
aVDwayne Johnson, paper, scissors.
p1589
aVA sexy bird looked at my beer belly today and sarcasticly asked "Is it Fosters or Stella?" I replied "there's a tap underneath, taste it!"
p1590
aVTo all those friends I bought a book for this Christmas, just a reminder they're due back at the library next tuesday!
p1591
aVI've been invited round a neighbours for a pre Christmas drink with nibbles. They treat that fucking cat like royalty.
p1592
aVPatient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing Sexbomb, sexbomb.' Doctor: "you've got Tom Jones disease." Patient: 'is it common?' Doctor: "It's not unusual."
p1593
aVViagra won't make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore.
p1594
aVI've just been told that a new belt and a new bag are not great Xmas presents by the wife! Even though her Hoover picks up superbly now..
p1595
aVWhy were ET's eyes so big? He saw the phone bill.
p1596
aVPaddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
p1597
aVJapanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
p1598
aVA Jehovah's Witness gave me an advent calendar. The first door I opened there were two of them standing behind it.
p1599
aVWhat do you call a man with no arms and no legs, but can play the piano really well? Clever Dick
p1600
aVIf you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance
p1601
aVI hate double standards. If a girl sleeps with loads of guys she's considered a "slut". Yet if a guy does it he's considered a "homosexual"
p1602
aVThe inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
p1603
aVWhat's a woman and KFC got in common? Once you've finished with the breast and thigh all you've got left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.
p1604
aVI failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'
p1605
aVA shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.
p1606
aVI dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
p1607
aVRecent research has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.
p1608
aV"I bet you can wrap presents with your eyes shut" I said to my wife. "I probably could" she laughed. "Great I'll just go and get yours" I said.
p1609
aVWhy did Humpty Dumpty push Mrs Humpty Dumpty off the wall? So he could see her crack.
p1610
aVWhy doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.
p1611
aVWalking the dog in the cemetery and I saw a man crouching behind a headstone. I shouted 'morning!'He replied 'no mate, just taking a shit'
p1612
aVOn the way to work I crashed my car into the back of another, a dwarf got out and said 'I'm not happy!!'I said 'well which one are you then?'
p1613
aVSometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air! But then I think, how would I catch them?
p1614
aVJonathan Ross was arrested this morning for stealing kitchen utensils. He said it was a whisk worth taking.
p1615
aVBought my mum a fridge for Christmas. You should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
p1616
aVWhat's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out.
p1617
aVThe Mrs left me because of my obsession with Phil Collins. Well take a look at me now...
p1618
aVHow does Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker has got for Christmas? He felt his presents.
p1619
aVI just ordered a chicken and an egg off Amazon. I'll let you know...
p1620
aVSince my mate had his neck brace fitted he's never looked back.
p1621
aVSome guy said to me 'why are you carrying a 9ft book?' I said 'Its a long story'
p1622
aVI used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.
p1623
aVMy girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
p1624
aVMary and Joseph. Now they had a stable relationship.
p1625
aVWhy did the duck get arrested? Because he was selling quack!
p1626
aVThree blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it..
p1627
aVI bought some 'Jamie Oliver Sausages' yesterday. On the packet it said 'Prick with a fork'I thought, can't argue with that!
p1628
aVDon't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
p1629
aVI told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?' I said "No, permanent."
p1630
aVI'm really overdrawn at the bank and they keep phoning me and leaving voicemails. I wish they'd just leave me a loan.
p1631
aVWhat's green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.
p1632
aVMy Mrs was moaning about my obsession with sport so I booked us a table for 8pm. Disaster! By 9pm she still hadn't potted a single ball.
p1633
aVWhat do you call a bullet proof scouser? Kev Laa!
p1634
aVWhat do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.
p1635
aVMy girlfriend text me earlier "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?" I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."
p1636
aVWhat's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your driveway...
p1637
aVThe downside of being a bomb disposal technician? It takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents.
p1638
aVGeorge Michael has been found with a chocolate bar up his arse. Apparently it was a careless wispa.
p1639
aVMy wife keeps complaining about my premature ejaculation, she took it on the chin at first but now it just gets on her tits.
p1640
aVWhat have George Michael and wellies got in common? They both get sucked off in bogs.
p1641
aVI could never work in the Job centre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day.
p1642
aVThe way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.
p1643
aVSpent all day looking through my U2 CD collection for my favourite song. Still haven't found what im looking for.
p1644
aVI bought a Prince CD today. Cost me £20, but I partied like it was £19:99.
p1645
aVWhat's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
p1646
aVIf I had to describe myself in one word it would be "Doesn't understand instructions"
p1647
aVReally cheesed off. Every morning a huge German Shepherd shits on my front lawn. Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.
p1648
aVMy teacher threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt!
p1649
aVGutted the wife has left me! She's took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too. No woman no Sky
p1650
aVWe always called my grandad Spiderman. It's not because he had any superpowers, he just couldn't get out of the bath.
p1651
aVCan anyone remember? What was the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?
p1652
aVMy wife told me that women were better at multitasking than men. I said to sit down and shut up. Guess what? She couldn't do do either!
p1653
aVMy scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and a few bikes for Xmas. I asked him which website he saw them on. He replied Google Earth
p1654
aVWhat is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 ho's!
p1655
aVCame home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's advent calendar?
p1656
aVMy wife asked me if we could have something more 'Christmassy' on the television. So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.
p1657
aVMarks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without MandS. They're right too. It'd be Chrita.
p1658
aVStill can't believe my mate died last week. He overdosed on Viagra. His wife took it really hard.
p1659
aVIt's close between Tyson Fury and Andy Murray for the BBC Sports Personality trophy. I reckon the Gypsy will just nick it.
p1660
aVGot the wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.
p1661
aVI just read about a dwarf being pick pocketed in the news. How could someone stoop so low!
p1662
aVAt a job interview "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker" "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"
p1663
aVI've just invented a new word:"Plagiarism".
p1664
aVWorried this Christmas as our dyslexic office junior has organised a secret satan.
p1665
aVHow do you make a Pirate angry? Take away the P
p1666
aVThe boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.
p1667
aVWill I have an open casket at my funeral? Remains to be seen.
p1668
aVI fell over laughing and got trapped in the trouser press. Creased myself.
p1669
aVI can't believe my best friend has died doing what he loved. He was a respected and popular skydiver. Really down to earth guy.
p1670
aV"Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory." "When did this happen?" "When did what happen?"
p1671
aVWhat begins with T, ends with T, and has T in it? A teapot.
p1672
aVBought my girlfriend slippers and a dildo for Christmas. If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!
p1673
aVThe Wife was watching a cookery show. I said "What the fuck you watching that for, you can't cook?" She said "You watch porn, you Fat Bastard".
p1674
aVAsked the wife to make me happy and sad at the same time. She told me that my dick was bigger than my brothers!
p1675
aVDid you know that some saltwater crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet! But most only have 4.
p1676
aVMy pet bird has lost its voice. Please retweet.
p1677
aVMy friends were amazed when I told them I can predict the future using herbs. "Is it true?" they asked..' Only thyme will tell' I replied.
p1678
aVI saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt. So, I made a move on her.
p1679
aVMy girlfriend wanted perfume and jewellery for her birthday, but I got her a chocolate egg and a toy instead. She was kinder surprised.
p1680
aVI work as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.
p1681
aVMy new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her! Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her. She's a cracker.
p1682
aVNews just in. The guy who took an airline company to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.
p1683
aVMilk is the fastest liquid on earth. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
p1684
aVMy mum says you are what you eat. That's funny, cause I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently.
p1685
aVTo neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian.
p1686
aVI used to know how to make those little fizzy sweets, but then I forgot. So I went on a Refresher course
p1687
aVMy talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.I thought that's a bit far-fetched.
p1688
aV"Knock Knock." "Who's there?" "It's the police, sir." "You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit." "We know, sir, the phone booth has glass sides."
p1689
aVBritain has won the Davis Cup for the first time since 1936. Coincidentally, that's the last time anyone gave a fuck.
p1690
aVHave you heard about those new alphabet hand grenades? If one of those goes off it could spell 'disaster'
p1691
aVMy penis fell off, so I gave the wife a bollocking.
p1692
aVWhy doesn't Santa smoke? It's bad for his elf!
p1693
aVWhat's the difference between your wages and your penis? You don't have to convince your wife to blow your wages.
p1694
aVI gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.
p1695
aVFirst rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club
p1696
aVI woke up with a face full of rice. I must've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.
p1697
aVHow does a muppet die? It Kermits suicide.
p1698
aVI swallowed some Tippex last night. I woke up this morning with a massive correction.
p1699
aVI told my doctor that every time I cross into another country I have to get drunk. He said I was border-line alcoholic.
p1700
aVBroken Quiz Machine For Sale: No questions asked.
p1701
aVMy wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy.
p1702
aVI quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
p1703
aVI asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said "wii".
p1704
aVWhy do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
p1705
aVA referee walked into a bar. I thought it's all gonna kick off now.
p1706
aVI can tell that my skincare jokes have made you cry because of how moisturiser.
p1707
aVWhy did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
p1708
aVWhat do you call a singing laptop? Adele.
p1709
aVI was arguing with my girlfriend in Nandos when my best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw! I wish he would stop taking sides.
p1710
aVSo what do you know about dwarfs then? Very little.
p1711
aVWhat do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
p1712
aVI've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service.
p1713
aVMy friend came to me and said, "Thanks for lending me the Fight Club DVD! "I was like, "Don't mention it."
p1714
aVI haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
p1715
aVJust bought myself a universal remote control. I thought to myself "This changes everything.
p1716
aVMy wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
p1717
aVI went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
p1718
aVOur local cinema is showing a special version of the latest James Bond film, just for dyslexics. Respect.
p1719
aVDo midgets still start their childhood stories off with "When I was little?"
p1720
aVMy wife left me for a weather man. She'll be mist.
p1721
aVJust been sacked from my job as a chef for stealing. I've always been whisk taker.
p1722
aVWhy do women hold a grudge against you for many years if you call them fat? Because elephants never forget.
p1723
aVMe: Sorry boss can't come in today my car has broken down. Boss: What about the bus? Me: I don't have a bus.
p1724
aVJust been threatened by my housemate for stealing his clothes. I nearly shit his pants.
p1725
aVTo anyone suffering from paranoia. You're not alone.
p1726
aVWhat's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber!
p1727
aVMy family are worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's ok though, I know where to draw the line
p1728
aVJust told my joke about Peter Pan again. Never gets old.
p1729
aVI know a guy who's in denial about his addiction to brake fluid. He says he can stop at any time.
p1730
aVOne of my friends is a really hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her, and she won't techno for an answer.
p1731
aVJust knocked over my Sports Direct mug and flooded my entire house.
p1732
aVDifference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.
p1733
aVI was going to tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.
p1734
aVWhat's the difference between a fridge and a vagina? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
p1735
aVWhat do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common? No ballroom.
p1736
aVI was given a leaflet the other day on anger management. I lost it.
p1737
aVWhy did Lionel clean his room? Because it was Messi.
p1738
aVMy internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of.
p1739
aVHow do you make your missus scream after an orgasm? Wipe your willy on the curtains.
p1740
aVMy pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. He was caught in a trap.
p1741
aVWhat's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? You can fall asleep with a light on!
p1742
aVBurnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have put it on aloha setting.
p1743
aVWhat's the difference between jam and jelly? You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!
p1744
aVI'm not saying you're a slag, but even your knickers label say Next..
p1745
aVMy mate's been offered a job in North Korea. He's going to take it, but I think it's a bad Korea move.
p1746
aVMet a girl in a bar last night. She said: "Hi I'm Yvette". I said "Hi I'm an Accountant".
p1747
aVWoke up today to find someone had dumped 2 tonnes of topsoil on my vegetable patch. The plot thickens.
p1748
aVA girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.
p1749
aVAlways remember what my late Grandad said to me. 'Sorry I'm late'
p1750
aVA dwarf walked into a library and asked for a book on irony. The librarian said "Yes, it's on the top shelf"
p1751
aVI told my girlfriend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
p1752
aVIron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
p1753
aVWhat happened when customers complained about the bright lights in the Chinese restaurant? The manager decided to dim sum.
p1754
aVHave you seen the new film called Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
p1755
aVWhy do cows lie down together when it rains? To keep each udder dry.
p1756
aVOne in every two and a half men are HIV positive.
p1757
aVMy dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He's Espanyol.
p1758
aVWhat's the difference between a hooker and a wife? One's contract, the other is pay-as-you-go.
p1759
aVAt weddings old people always poke me and say you'll be next! It's so annoying! So, I've started doing the same to them at funerals.
p1760
aVA banana and a vibrator are lying on a bed. The banana turns to the vibrator and says; "I don't know why your shaking, they're gonna eat me!"
p1761
aVToday I broke my personal record of consecutive days alive!
p1762
aVMy wife left me because she said I was obsessed with plants. I asked her "where's this stemming from petal?"
p1763
aVMy wife ran off with my best friend last week. I'm going to miss him.
p1764
aVWhat's a Scottish football fan's favourite movie? Home Alone.
p1765
aVI've been sleeping with my girlfriend and her twin, but luckily I can tell them apart. Her brother has a moustache.
p1766
aVJimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland. Barman says "not yew tree again"
p1767
aVMy window cleaner was banging on my window shouting and swearing. I thought to myself: he's lost his rag.
p1768
aVI've just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.
p1769
aVMy mate has swallowed some Lego. The doctor's aren't too worried, but he's shitting bricks.
p1770
aVKids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seats cause kids.
p1771
aVHow many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan
p1772
aVHow much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
p1773
aVBREAKING NEWS: A lorry containing Vanish has overturned in Middlesex causing Staines to completely disappear.
p1774
aVI see someone is selling all their dogging gear on eBay. There's no buyers but I've noticed that there's 126 watchers!
p1775
aV"What a truly inspirational man that Steve Jobs was" said my mate. "What is your favourite Apple product?" he asked. "Cider, " I replied.
p1776
aVMy Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.
p1777
aVWomen are like fine wines. You can get them cheaper if you go abroad.
p1778
aVA woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
p1779
aVNever trust a man with a bald head. For all you know, he could've been a Ginger!!
p1780
aVMy doctor asked if I was sexually active. I said "Define active, there are volcanoes classed as active that haven't gone off in centuries"
p1781
aVNo matter how big your smartphone's screen is, you still have to scroll down to see Chelsea's position in the league table.
p1782
aVWhat do you call a fat psycic? A four chin teller
p1783
aVMy wife has left me, she says I love football more than I love her. I'm gutted, we've been together ten seasons!
p1784
aVMy girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games. What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.
p1785
aVAn insect flew into our kitchen last night, flew around and then exploded. I think it was a jihadi long legs.
p1786
aVMy daughter asked "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?" I replied "Because it has seen your mother naked."
p1787
aVI love elevator jokes. They work on so many levels.
p1788
aVWhat did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
p1789
aVYou can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
p1790
aVWhen my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
p1791
aVDad: Where can I get a potato clock? Son: Why a potato clock?!? Dad: I've got a new job and my boss said I need to get-a-potato-clock
p1792
aVWhy did Star Wars' episodes 1, 2 and 3 come after episodes 4, 5 and 6? Because Head of Planning Yoda was.
p1793
aVI went to a legless disco last night. It was crawling with fanny.
p1794
aVI love playing that game where you knock on people's door and run away. It's called Yodel.
p1795
aVMy mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water. He must think I'm some kind of mug.
p1796
aVI've bought the wife a transparent bath. It'll save me a fortune on taking the kids to Sea World.
p1797
aVI've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic. A Leotard can't change its spots.
p1798
aVLionel Messi goes up girl in a club and says "Get your coat, you've pulled" she replies "Wow, you're a little forward"
p1799
aVSome mornings I wake up bitchy. Other mornings I just let her sleep...
p1800
aVWatson: Why are you painting the front door yellow? Holmes: A lemon entry my dear Watson!
p1801
aVMrs says I have a short attention spanners are great aren't they!
p1802
aVCheck this one out:1.
p1803
aVDoesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, point is: You need to buy a different size bra.
p1804
aVOutside my local school, the kids were selling chocolate to raise money for eczema awareness, so I bought a flake.
p1805
aVA survey was conducted into why men like blow jobs: 10% liked the feeling, 12% liked the dominance, 78% liked 20 minutes of fucking silence.
p1806
aVWhat's a pirate's favourite sex position? Up the Arrrrrrse!
p1807
aVWhat animal what you like to be on a really cold day? A little Otter
p1808
aV"Hurt Myself" By Amin Payne
p1809
aV"The Constant Book Reader" By Paige Turner
p1810
aVI have a phobia of trampolines, I can't help it they always make me jump.
p1811
aVWhat do you call an Indian peeping tom? Mustafa Ganda
p1812
aVKnock knock...Who's there? The doorbell repair man.
p1813
aVMy wife stood in front of the mirror:"I'm massive" she moaned. "Will you help me?" "Of course," I said, as I moved the mirror further away.
p1814
aVWent to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
p1815
aVI got arrested for impersonating a firework. They let me off.
p1816
aVWhat's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe
p1817
aVMy friend asked me if I wanted to go to a nudist colony with him later. I said "I've got nothing on, I might as well"
p1818
aVOn my recent visit to the seaside I spent ages trying to figure out how to use the arcade machine. Then the penny dropped.
p1819
aVWhat do you call an Asian receptionist? Tai Ping
p1820
aVRelationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
p1821
aVSomebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me. I only have super fish oil injuries but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!
p1822
aVWhy did the woman cross the road? To go back to the first clothes shop she was in 3 hours ago.
p1823
aVThere once was a man called Dave, who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was covered in shit and missing a tit but look at the money he saved!
p1824
aVMy sister has a new job, but it's hard to say what she does. She sells sea shells on the seashore.
p1825
aVMy penis was in a world record book once. Until the librarian told me to take it out.
p1826
aVI just dropped my iPhone in the bath. It's syncing.
p1827
aVI saw a girl texting while driving and it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
p1828
aVThere should be a children's song called "if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep".
p1829
aVI saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: Are you two an item?
p1830
aVNeed an ark? I Noah guy.
p1831
aVCrashed my dads new car into a lemon tree! He's still bitter about it
p1832
aVA truck full of Viagra was stolen today. Police are on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.
p1833
aVMy brother got hit by a bus and had both of his legs amputated. Now he's my Half-Brother.
p1834
aVWhy can't T-Rex clap its hands? Because they're extinct.
p1835
aVA lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.
p1836
aVDon't pick on fat people! They have enough on their plates.
p1837
aVOnce I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage to do it.
p1838
aVI was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small dead baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief.
p1839
aVI supplied filofaxes to the Mafia. Yeah, I was involved in very organised crime.
p1840
aVI saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
p1841
aVThe first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hell of a salesman.
p1842
aV"Irish Sniper" By Rick 'O' Shea
p1843
aV"Haunted House" By Hugo First
p1844
aV"Plastering for Beginners" By Phil Mcraken
p1845
aVI needed a password that was eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarfs.
p1846
aVI was playing chess with my friend when he said "let's make things interesting", so we stopped playing chess.
p1847
aVI'm on a whisky diet. Last week I lost three days!
p1848
aVWhat do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't take her out again
p1849
aVI have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper' present.
p1850
aVMy girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said: "Alright, fatty?"
p1851
aVI've got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'. You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
p1852
aVI'm not saying Michael Jackson was guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I'd buy a funfair for my back garden.
p1853
aVI used to date a dyslexic girl. I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.
p1854
aVI used to be a schizophrenic. But we're okay now.
p1855
aV"How To Keep Fit" By Jim Nastics
p1856
aV"Keep on Trying" By Percy Veer
p1857
aVBehind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously move! You're in the way!
p1858
aVI'm struggling to write a porn movie. There's just too many holes in the plot.
p1859
aVGerman sausages. They're the Wurst.
p1860
aV"I Love Maths" By Adam Up.
p1861
aVWhat's going on with the weather? I haven't the foggiest.
p1862
aVI went to a dyslexic rave last night. I took three F's.
p1863
aVJust had a steering wheel removed from my penis. It was driving me nuts.
p1864
aVI was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.So I pushed her over.
p1865
aVTwo lesbians barged into the house and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help but I could only knock one out.
p1866
aVWhat do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Punch her in the face
p1867
aVI'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
p1868
aVMy girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her? I said:"Back in 08". It sounds much better than 'August'
p1869
aVWhenever i watch The Titanic I get a sinking feeling.
p1870
aVThe worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
p1871
aVPaddy and Mick are in a plane. Paddy asks "If we do a loop, will we fall out?" "No" replies Mick "We'll still be pals!"
p1872
aVHow can you tell if a girl is ticklish? Give her a test-tickle.
p1873
aVMy girlfriend is getting pretty angry that I never put the toilet seat down! To be fair I am getting tired of carrying it around!
p1874
aVWhat's the difference between a candle and a curry? A candle only burns at one end.
p1875
aVWhat do you call a wrestler in a hurry? The overtaker.
p1876
aVTwo lorries carrying playing cards have crashed. Police are dealing with the incident.
p1877
aVI'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.
p1878
aVMy wife left me because of my obsession with Star Wars. Regret that she will.
p1879
aVExaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
p1880
aVEver had sex while camping? It's intents.
p1881
aVDid you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
p1882
aVSimba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa!
p1883
aVI used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
p1884
aVMe and my recliner go way back.
p1885
aVFrozen sculptures look quite good, icy pose.
p1886
aVWhat do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
p1887
aVWhat do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.
p1888
aVHow do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face.
p1889
aVMe and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.
p1890
aVI play triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual. I just stand at the back and ting.
p1891
aVWhat do u call a cold burrito? A brrrrrrrito
p1892
aVWent swimming. Had a wee in the deep end. Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
p1893
aVI can hear opera coming from my wallet. I think it might be the 3 tenners.
p1894
aVGot a new aftershave called bread crumbs! The birds love it!!
p1895
aVWhat's the difference between rude and crude? Rude is when you throw your underpants at the wall, crude is when they stick to it.
p1896
aVA new aftershave is out on the Market. Will get you any girl you want! Guaranteed! Eau de Chloroform! It's a knock-out!
p1897
aVWhat's a foot long and slippery? A slipper
p1898
aVPaddys wife shouts:"Did you find the shampoo?" He answers:"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.. it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine"
p1899
aVMy landlord said "Your obsession with cats is out of control and I can't handle it anymore!" I cried "What... You're kicking Meeeeowt?"
p1900
aVPARACHUTE FOR SALE! As new, unopened - small red patch
p1901
aVI've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
p1902
aVI've heard a rumour that Cadburys is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar? Could be a Chinese Wispa.
p1903
aVWife said she was going to leave me if I continued to sing Oasis. I said maybe...
p1904
aVKnock Knock! Trick or Treat? What've you come as? A Werewolf. You've got normal clothes on? Well it's not a full moon yet, is it, dickhead?
p1905
aVTonight is the night the missus wears crotchless pants! Not for me though! Its to get a better grip on her broom.
p1906
aVI was at a club, they played jump! So I jumped, played twist and shout, so I twisted and shouted! They played come on Eileen and they kicked me out.
p1907
aVOpened a tin of meat. Soon as I opened it 20 more tins appeared... Bloody spam.
p1908
aVI was accused of ruining a family portrait, but I swear I was framed.
p1909
aVMy mate just said "there's only one thing that a scares me about Halloween". I asked "which is?". "Exactly" he replied.
p1910
aVI like to wear my glasses when I'm having sex. That way my eyes are protected from the pepper spray.
p1911
aVSmoking may shorten your lifespan. But it will lengthen your lunch break.
p1912
aVMy wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days. What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
p1913
aVI was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?" I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"
p1914
aVI just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.
p1915
aVWhy didn't the skeleton ask the witch to the ball? Because he didn't have the guts.
p1916
aVI recently visited Satan and stole his wig. He said they'd be hell toupee.
p1917
aVGuy who owned Odeon cinemas has passed away. His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 and 8:40
p1918
aVWhat's a ghosts favorite dessert? Ice Scream.
p1919
aVGonna dress up as a Champions League trophy for Halloween and go around scaring Arsenal fans.
p1920
aVWhy didn't the skeleton go to the ball? He had nobody to go with.
p1921
aVI always look forward to watching a good game of football on Halloween. There is always the chance of plenty of Ghouls.
p1922
aVWhat do gay ghosts give each other? The Willies.
p1923
aVAfter giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn't want any more. Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.
p1924
aVWhy do ghosts enjoy riding in elevators? It raises their spirits.
p1925
aVWhy don't mummies go on holiday? They're afraid to relax and unwind.
p1926
aVWhat is a ghost's favourite ride? A roller-ghoster.
p1927
aVWhat kind of horses do ghosts ride? Nightmares! 
p1928
aVWhat does Barbie like to do at Halloween? Pump Ken
p1929
aVHow do ghosts keep fit? With regular exorcise!
p1930
aVWhy did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine? Because he was having a coffin fit.
p1931
aVWhat does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
p1932
aVWhat do you get if you cross a witch and an iceberg? A cold spell.
p1933
aVHow do vampires fall in love? Love at first bite!
p1934
aVWhy don't monsters eat clowns? Because they taste funny!
p1935
aVLooking into becoming a hitman, I heard those people make a killing.
p1936
aVYou know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a blowjob.
p1937
aVThe inventor of throat lozenges has died. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.
p1938
aVI've been searching for my stolen bed for two days! I won't rest until I've found it.
p1939
aVMy wife was addicted to mud wrestling. She's been clean now for 6 months.
p1940
aVWhat's a vampires favourite fruit? A nectarine.
p1941
aVPersuaded my wife to smuggle coke through customs by sticking it up her arseI didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge
p1942
aVYou can't call it Viagra anymore! Copyright law! You now have to use it's proper medical name. Mycoxafloppin
p1943
aVMy wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.
p1944
aVI got my cock out for the wife "Do you like my new piercing?" After a few seconds she said "Wheres the piercing then?" I said "In my ear".
p1945
aVWhat's a skeletons favourite shop? The Body Shop.
p1946
aVWhat do ghosts use to wash their hair? ShamBoo.
p1947
aVI left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting. I often wonder what she's up to now.
p1948
aVTo become a successful doctor you must have a lot of patients.
p1949
aVWhoever stole my body wash better come clean!
p1950
aVI still don't understand how Pi is 3142Am I missing the point?
p1951
aVWhat's got no teeth and smells? The gearbox in the wife's car...
p1952
aVSomeone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!
p1953
aVIf anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, They're lying.
p1954
aVMy cousin is a midget, he's relatively short.
p1955
aVI was walking down the road when I suddenly questioned. Who picks up a guide dog's shit?
p1956
aVWhiteboards are remarkable...
p1957
aVWhat's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
p1958
aVA wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
p1959
aVWhen it comes to anagrams, I don't know my earholes from my arsehole.
p1960
aVRecent survey: 43% of people admitted to tixting wylst droving.
p1961
aVWhat do ghosts eat for dinner? Spooketti.
p1962
aVI've been diagnosed with agoraphobia. Get in!
p1963
aVMrs has run off with the milkman. Seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life.
p1964
aVWife said "if u get a tattoo make sure u have it done in a place that doesn't matter" So I'm off to Norwich...
p1965
aVI have an old Commodore locked away in the attic. That'll teach the him to dance on my ceiling!
p1966
aVWent to the park today to play frisbee with my dog but it was no fun. I need a flatter dog
p1967
aVTook a dip in the pool. Lifeguard said 'What you got there?' I said 'hummus'
p1968
aVMy wife left me for a midget the other day. This broke my heart, I couldn't believe she would stoop so low..
p1969
aVMy mate Sid's been a victim of ID theft. He's now called 'S'
p1970
aVMy mate fucking hates his surname, Potato. Although not as much as his wife, Jackie does.
p1971
aVMy dyslexia has reached a new owl.
p1972
aVI just explained Google images to my mum: "Pick anything to search for" I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked
p1973
aVMy car is so small that I overcompensate by having a large penis.
p1974
aVWhy are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them.
p1975
aVI'm not a fan of shopping centres. Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
p1976
aVThere's a gang going though our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. The police believe they're still at large.
p1977
aVI called NHS direct over a week ago about a problem with my ears. I still haven't heard anything!
p1978
aVSometimes I use big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.
p1979
aVI went to the supermarket and said: "I'd like to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it". He replied: "Those are pickled onions."
p1980
aVHow often is it appropriate to make chemistry jokes? I say periodically.
p1981
aVI broke my psychic's crystal ball. It cost me a fortune.
p1982
aVI got mugged earlier and they took my mood ring. I really don't know how I feel about that.
p1983
aVJust paid £5 for a strip of Velcro. What a rip off!
p1984
aVA neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender reply's "For you? No charge!"
p1985
aVI've just arrived in Australia to surprise my fiancée. She's in London and the wedding's tomorrow.
p1986
aVGot thrown out of Dragons Den. Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "Fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.
p1987
aVMy brother was jailed for his beliefs. He believed you could wank on the bus.
p1988
aVI asked my wife to act like a "naughty school girl". She forged a note from her mother saying she didn't have to participate.
p1989
aVThe most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.
p1990
aVDon't waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months. My balls still look like walnuts.
p1991
aVDecaffeinated coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.
p1992
aVI asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing.
p1993
aVA farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
p1994
aVWhy are Hurricanes named after women? Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and your car.
p1995
aVMy friend's dad has just got a new pacemaker. He's a little Kenyan lad who runs ten metres in front of him.
p1996
aVMy party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together. I shit you knot.
p1997
aVHow do you warm a room up thats just been painted? Give it a 2nd coat.
p1998
aVI had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.
p1999
aVWhat did stevie wonder say when he got a cheese grater for Christmas? That's the most violent book I've ever read in my life!
p2000
aVI got my heavy goods licence today. My wife prefers to call it a marriage certificate.
p2001
aVMy girlfriend was telling me that obesity is in her genes. I told her that it wasn't true as she looks like a fat cunt in a skirt as well.
p2002
aVMy wife's leaving me because "Everything I say is irrelevant". Easy for her to say when her mum's sister has just bought a new coffee table.
p2003
aVMy wife says we need to work hard on our relationship because of my immaturity. Hehe, she said hardon.
p2004
aVI just bought a new blindfold. Can't see myself wearing it though.
p2005
aVMy wife asked me, "Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard last night?" "No, don't be silly" I replied" I ate it on the sofa."
p2006
aVA girl just told me I've got a huge ego... I think she means cock.
p2007
aVMe and the wife decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off though when I started holding auditions for her part.
p2008
aVOut with the lads from OCD anonymous tonight. Things aren't gonna get messy.
p2009
aVI went to the doctor because everywhere I pressed hurt. Pressed my leg it hurt. My arm, it hurt. My head. Turns out I'd broken my finger.
p2010
aVHow many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Tentickles.
p2011
aVJust heard that Little Mix are playing Liverpool in December. They are expected to win 3-0.
p2012
aVMy Mrs just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?" I said "Fuck off, it would take fucking ages to get there on a camel."
p2013
aVDid you hear about the cross eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.
p2014
aVHad some sad news, my Dutch ex girlfriend died last week, she liked to wear inflatable shoes. Apparently she popped her clogs.
p2015
aVHow do you get a fat woman in bed? Piece of cake
p2016
aVMy wife is going to a fancy dress party as a rastafarian and she's asked me to do her hair. I'm dreading it.
p2017
aVSome men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay. I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.
p2018
aVLollipop ladies. They make me cross.
p2019
aVWhich spice girl can hold the most petrol? Geri can
p2020
aVMy girlfriend left me because of my fetish for touching pasta. Now shes gone im feeling cannelloni right now!!
p2021
aVThey say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money's on Dave.
p2022
aVI went up to Mr. T and said, "I'm going to cook you a dessert." He said, "Try fool!" I said, "No, strawberry cheesecake, actually."
p2023
aVTwo interesting facts about me. 1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens. 2) I'm banned from Argos.
p2024
aVMy girlfriend got in the shower with me. She said "Oooh baby, I want you to do bad things to me!" So I put shampoo in her eyes.
p2025
aV"What do we want?" "A cure for Tourettes" "When do we want it?" "Cunts!"
p2026
aVI bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
p2027
aVI'm not saying my wife's a fat bitch. But I've had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge.
p2028
aVMy mum laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She soon shut up when I drove pasta.
p2029
aVDid you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?
p2030
aVWhy doesn't God like pizza? Because he doesn't exist.
p2031
aVThey say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.
p2032
aVA police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said: "Call for backup."
p2033
aVHow to workout your 'arsehole' name. Replace your first name with the word 'Piers' and your surname with the word 'Morgan'.
p2034
aVI said to my wife the other day "Why dont you tell me when you have an orgasm?" She said "I dont like to ring you at work."
p2035
aVA man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
p2036
aVMy girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
p2037
aVKlopp used to have the "Yellow Wall". Now he's going to have small pieces of red wall instead. Under his car, where the wheels used to be.
p2038
aVWhat do the donkeys in Blackpool get for their lunch? A half hour the same as everyone else.
p2039
aV"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." "That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
p2040
aVA guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
p2041
aVGynaecologist, at your cervix.
p2042
aVI told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
p2043
aVHi, welcome to Fight Club. First of all, how did you hear about us?
p2044
aVWhat do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. What do you call a woman with one leg laying on the floor? Eileen Dover.
p2045
aVWhat do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse? Warren
p2046
aVWhat do you call a woman juggling 3 pints of beer? Beatrix. What do you call a woman juggling 3 pints playing snooker? Beatrix Potter
p2047
aVWhat do you call a man who used to be an artist? Drew
p2048
aVWhat do you call a Scottish man who works in a cloakroom? Angus Mccoatup
p2049
aVWhat do you call a cross dressing dinosaur? Trannysauras Rex
p2050
aVWhat do you call an obese Arab? Yafat Fuqa.
p2051
aVWhat do you call a man with no arms or legs lying by front of the door? Matt
p2052
aVWhat do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell
p2053
aVWhat do you call a man that steals everyday? Robin Daley
p2054
aVWhat do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu
p2055
aVWhat do you call a man with a haggis on his head? Scott
p2056
aVWhat do call a woman with a tortoise on her back? Shelley
p2057
aVWhat do you call a man with ham on his head? Hammed. What do you call a man with more ham on his head? Mohammed
p2058
aVWhat do you call a man with a car number plate on his head? Reg. What do you call his brother? R Reg
p2059
aVWhat do you call a man with 3 eyes? Seymour
p2060
aVWhat do you call a man with no arms or legs in water? Bob. What do you call a man swimming in water with no arms or legs? Clever Dick
p2061
aVHow do you fix a massive violin? Chellotape
p2062
aVHow do you make a snooker table laugh? Put your hand in its pocket and tickle it's balls.
p2063
aVDid you know that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintones? But Abu Dhabi do.
p2064
aVA man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
p2065
aVI was ironing the curtains last night. Fell through the window!
p2066
aVFell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental! No one treats me like a mug.
p2067
aVWhat do you call a fish with three eyes? Fiiish
p2068
aVWhat do you call a large bloke with four faces and eight hands? Big Ben.
p2069
aVWhat do you call a wolf that swears? A swear wolf
p2070
aVHow do you make a door laugh? Tickle it's knob.
p2071
aVI used to be an archaeologist. But my career ended in ruins.
p2072
aVWhy did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
p2073
aVI got kicked out of my local record store after enquiring about a Coldplay song. I only went looking for Trouble.
p2074
aVTo whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.
p2075
aVDid you hear that two men went to prison for stealing a calendar? They both got six months
p2076
aVI worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once. None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
p2077
aVI can't believe pretzels are knot bread.
p2078
aVI never question myself. Why should I start now?
p2079
aVI've just bought a load of cheap Harry Potter DVDs. They were only two Quidditch.
p2080
aVDid you hear about the angry gymnast? He just flipped.
p2081
aVWhat do you call a dodgy neighbourhood in Italy? A Spaghetto.
p2082
aVI just drank some WKD with ice in it. It was wicked.
p2083
aVSometimes I watch football holding a PlayStation controller just to screw with girlfriends head.
p2084
aVWhat do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
p2085
aVI rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house? The bloke said "You can cartwheel around the block for all I care".
p2086
aVHow do you find a blind man in a nudest colony? It isn't hard.
p2087
aVHow many immature people does it take to change a light bulb? Your mum.
p2088
aVTwo drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tish!
p2089
aVPast, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
p2090
aVMy wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."
p2091
aVAccidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares. Going for a poo could spell trouble!
p2092
aVRick Astley asked if he could borrow my Pixar films? "Ok" I said. "Here's Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up"
p2093
aVWhy is Pingu's dad always ironing when none of them wear clothes?
p2094
aVI see Boomerangs are making a comeback.
p2095
aVLast weekend, they held a minute's silence at the Etihad Stadium. It blended in nicely with the other 89.
p2096
aVWhat sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck.
p2097
aVHow did the burger wear it's hair? In a bun.
p2098
aVI asked Sean Connery whats his favourite London landmark was? "Shard". I know it is mate but just give it a go..
p2099
aVI could of been a snooker player, but no one gave me a break.
p2100
aVI saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
p2101
aVThe History Channel +1. Where History repeats itself.
p2102
aVWhat time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your tv? Time to buy a new tv.
p2103
aVI'd love to get into herb gardening. I just don't have the thyme.
p2104
aVWant to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it's too cheesy.
p2105
aVI went to the shop to buy some camouflage trousers earlier. But I couldn't find any.
p2106
aVWhy was the pube angry? Because it was pissed off.
p2107
aVInnuendo, an Italian suppository.
p2108
aVDoctor said I had jelly, custard and sponge in my ears. Explains why I was a trifle deaf.
p2109
aVMy wife left me because she said I'm obsessed with the muppets. Apparently, I'm not ready for a kermitment.
p2110
aVFound a joke in the bin today. It was rubbish.
p2111
aVWhats pink and wrinkly, and hangs out your pants? Your Mum.
p2112
aVQuasimodo goes to the pub and says "Scotch whiskey please". Barman says "Bell's alright?" Quasi says "Mind your own business".
p2113
aVWhy is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old.
p2114
aVI love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
p2115
aVHow do you organize a space party? You planet.
p2116
aVWhat's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
p2117
aVWhy didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
p2118
aVMy maths teacher called me average. How mean!
p2119
aVMexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
p2120
aVHeadmaster of Hogwarts falls down the stairs. Tumbledore.
p2121
aVMy wife left me because she said it was annoying how I related everything in life to batman. What a Joker.
p2122
aVBought a suit made from a cactus, looked pretty sharp in it.
p2123
aVAt the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.
p2124
aVI was gutted when my cat drowned in the washing machine. At least he died in Comfort.
p2125
aVPakistani cricketers. They'll give you a run for your money.
p2126
aVA dog walker was found dead in the local park, police have found the dog, but as of yet, they have no lead.
p2127
aVMy gambling addiction cost me my marriage! Or, as I like to think of it, won me a divorce
p2128
aVWhat do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese
p2129
aVDid you hear about the dyslexic man that walked into a bra?
p2130
aVI went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked "hardback?" and I was like "yeah, and little heads".
p2131
aVSurely every car is a people carrier?
p2132
aVMy cat is recovering from a massive stroke.
p2133
aVWhat so you call a teacher that's always late for school? Mr Bus.
p2134
aVWhat do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon.
p2135
aVI think my baby frog is eastern European. It's a tad Polish
p2136
aVWhat kind of light must you switch on with your leg? A knee-on.
p2137
aVWhat's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.
p2138
aVI asked God for a bike, but then I realised God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
p2139
aVWhat do you call a surprised Chinese man? Ho Lee Fuk
p2140
aVWho's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy! But what about when he's not there? The hip replacement guy!
p2141
aVWhat's large, white and can kill you if it fell out of a tree? A fridge.
p2142
aVJust bought an amazing stereo that's made of cake. It's a gateaux blaster.
p2143
aVAlways remember that you're unique! Just like everyone else.
p2144
aVTraffic Update: Vicks Vaporub lorry has overturned on the motorway. Police have confirmed that there will be no congestion for 8 hours
p2145
aV5/4ths of people have problems with fractions.
p2146
aVHow do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.
p2147
aVHow do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers
p2148
aVReally hate my new job crushing empty Coca-Cola cans. Its soda pressing.
p2149
aVOur old sofa felt terrible yesterday. But now it's fully recovered
p2150
aVI've always wanted to learn how to juggle. I just don't have the balls to do it.
p2151
aVWhat happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
p2152
aVI just drank clearasil. It really hits the spot.
p2153
aVWhat does a lion use to help it drill? A roar plug.
p2154
aVApparently David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff. He can't be arsed with the Hassel anymore.
p2155
aVWhy was the biscuit crying? Because it's mother was a wafer too long
p2156
aVWhat's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint
p2157
aVI got a birthday card and when I opened it a Yorkshire pudding fell out. It was from Aunt Bessie!
p2158
aVWhat did the shetland pony say when he had a sore throat? Sorry. I'm a little horse.
p2159
aVWhat did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine.
p2160
aVTalking to a guy today who invented crosswords. Can't remember his name though. S_e_e
p2161
aVI saw a midget dressed like Hitler yesterday and I thought.. "that's a little racist".
p2162
aVMy mate got sacked from working on the dodgems. He's suing for funfair dismissal.
p2163
aVWhat's got two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog.
p2164
aVI promised my wife the earth today. But gave her the life and electrocuted her.
p2165
aVDo you want to hear a joke about sodium? Na...
p2166
aVMy hot lesbian neighbours got me Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch".
p2167
aVTampax jokes just aren't funny! Period.
p2168
aVI was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger... and then it hit me.
p2169
aVWhy does Noddy have a bell on his hat? Because he's a twat.
p2170
aVWhere do birds meet for coffee? Nest-cafe
p2171
aVPeople in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. Last year they consumed 72,400 bananas and only 4 monkeys.
p2172
aVI didn't like the food on my flight home. It was too plane.
p2173
aVWith the new starwars film due out, Haribo have released some new sweets. I dont like them, they're all chewy.
p2174
aVI stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
p2175
aVMy mate has a new job clearing leaves this Autumn. He reckons he's going to rake it in.
p2176
aVDriving past a field and saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank. I thought "That scarecrow is clutching at straws."
p2177
aVI can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
p2178
aVWhat is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
p2179
aVI was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
p2180
aVThank god for nipples! Without them, boobs would be pointless.
p2181
aVMy friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.
p2182
aVYesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
p2183
aVHow can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
p2184
aVJust met a charming transvestite from the Manchester area. He had a Wigan address.
p2185
aVMan who invented anagrams has died. May he Erect a penis.
p2186
aVThis girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
p2187
aVHow did the nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall.
p2188
aVWhat do you call a sick eagle? Illegal.
p2189
aVDid you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?
p2190
aVWhy did Nivea Creme? Because Max Factor.
p2191
aVWhere does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from? Jason's Donner Van
p2192
aVDog goes into BandQ and says "excuse me, may I have a job?" Stunned clerk "have you tried the circus?" Dog "what would a they want with a plumber?"
p2193
aVWhat's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?Snowballs.
p2194
aVDid you hear about the local crossword champion who passed away? You can find him at the local cemetary 6 down and 4 across.
p2195
aVWhat do you call a judge with no fingers? Justice Thumbs
p2196
aVThere's reports coming in about an unexplained explosion that's caused a 75ft deep hole in Trafalgar Square! Police are looking into it.
p2197
aVDid you hear the one about the man with 5 cocks? His underpants fit like a glove.
p2198
aVIt cost me £5 to put air in my tyres yesterday! Oh well, that's inflation for you.
p2199
aVDid you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
p2200
aVWhy did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.
p2201
aVA man took an airline to court after his luggage went missing. Unfortunately he lost his case.
p2202
aVJust met Jurgen Klopps little brother. Klippety
p2203
aVWalking past the prison and saw a midget climbing down the wall. He glared at me. Said to my friend "That's a little con descending"
p2204
aVI wrote a song about tortilla. Actually it's more of a wrap.
p2205
aVBoss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" Me: "I Excel at it." Boss: "Was that Microsoft Office pun?" Me: "Word."
p2206
aVWhat's the hottest part of the sun? Page 3
p2207
aVLast week I went to see the foot doctor, I took out my willy and the doctor said "that's not a foot!" I said"I know, but it's a good 11 inches"
p2208
aVWhat do you call a woman covered in grass. Lawna
p2209
aVMidget psychic escaped from prison! Newspaper headline reads; Small Medium at Large.
p2210
aVWhat did the policeman say to his belly? You're under a vest.
p2211
aVIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
p2212
aVThere are three types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.
p2213
aVTeacher: Name 6 wild animals? Student: Four elephants and two lions
p2214
aVHad sex with a transvestite the other day. She took it like a man.
p2215
aVWhat do you call a man with no shins or feet? Neil
p2216
aVWhy did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the brake.
p2217
aVWhat do you call Postman Pat on the dole? Pat
p2218
aVJust had a mole removed from my penis. It's my own fault for shagging moles.
p2219
aVCongratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
p2220
aVRap is basically 75% cRap.
p2221
aVMy neighbour Mohammed has given up white water rafting. He's now a Muslim ex-streamist.
p2222
aVWhat did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.
p2223
aVSo I was steering a boat with my stomach muscles. Abseiling
p2224
aVI like lions manely because of their hair.
p2225
aVWhat's pink and invisible? This grapefruit.
p2226
aVI asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said "Wow!" Then her friend said "She means 6663629".
p2227
aVGuess who I bumped into in specsavers the other day. Everyone!
p2228
aVWhat's the difference between a chick pea and a potato? You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.
p2229
aVA Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos... then *poof* he disappeared without a tres!
p2230
aVWhats the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
p2231
aVWhat noise does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.
p2232
aVTwo satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
p2233
aVI like to tease my dyslexic dwarf friend alot. Its not big and its not clever.
p2234
aVWhat do ya call a woman who throws all her bills on the fire? Bernadette
p2235
aVWhy was 6 scared of 7? Because 7,8,9
p2236
aVHow does a politician sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.
p2237
aVWhat do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it man.
p2238
aVWhat sort of jam can't you eat? Traffic jam.
p2239
aVTwo sausages in a frying pan, one says to the other: "bloody hell it's hot in here". The other says "OMG, A talking sausage!"
p2240
aVMake the little things count. Teach midgets maths.
p2241
aVRenewable energy. I'm a big fan.
p2242
aVWhat do you call a woman stretched across a tennis court? Annette
p2243
aVI had to call the Elvis impersonator hotline yesterday. Got told to press; 1 for the money 2 for the show
p2244
aVWhat do you call a man without a spade? Douglas.
p2245
aVWhat do you call a man with a spade? Doug.
p2246
aVWhat's red and white and flies at night? A sanitary owl.
p2247
aVDid you hear about the paper boy? He blew away.
p2248
aVMy neighbour complained to me about my dog chasing people on a bike. My dog can't even ride a bike.
p2249
aVWhat do gay horses eat? Haaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy
p2250
aVDating a girl from the zoo. She's a keeper.
p2251
aVI just spent all day looking for a cat with one eye. I think I would of found it if I used both.
p2252
aVWhy did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
p2253
aVWhat do you call a man in the sea with no arms and no legs? Bob
p2254
aVAn ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.
p2255
aVWhat's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
p2256
aVMy wife is a magician. She turned our car into a tree
p2257
aVI bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
p2258
aVI got the wife a wooden leg for Christmas, it's not a main present, just a stocking filler.
p2259
aVWhat did the cheese say when it saw it's self in the mirror? Halloumi!
p2260
aVHow did the cheese paint his wife? He double Gloucester.
p2261
aVDyslexic rules KO
p2262
aVWhat's the best cheese to use if you want to lure a bear out the woods? Camembert.
p2263
aVJust invited my friends round for a Vodka party. Everyone was in great spirits.
p2264
aVHow many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One two, One two
p2265
aVI asked the greengrocer for a bag of onions. He gave me one and said that's shallot.
p2266
aVWhat do you call a parrot under an umbrella? Polly unsaturated
p2267
aVWhen I got home from work I joined all my watches end to end to make a belt. What a waist of time!
p2268
aVWhat did the sea say to boat? Nothing it just waved.
p2269
aVI got stung by a bee the other day. £20 for a jar of honey.
p2270
aVA dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
p2271
aVI got myself a new job in the telescope factory. Things are really looking up.
p2272
aVI was in Tesco the other day and couldn't work out which pasta I needed to buy. Then the penne dropped.
p2273
aVHow much do cockneys pay for their shampoo? Pantene.
p2274
aVHear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
p2275
aVWhy can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.
p2276
aVWhere did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
p2277
aVMy boyfriend has just got a job as a light switch engineer. Its really turned me on.
p2278
aVMy girlfriend saw the backseat of my car last night! She said it needed hoovering.
p2279
aVMe: People say I've got a special way of lighting up the roomJudge: It's called arson and those people are witnesses.
p2280
aVTampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel. This will be for the Christmas Period only.
p2281
aVYou cant beat a boiled egg.
p2282
aVTwo monkeys in a bath together. First one says: "Ooh Ooh Ah Ah" Second one says: "Best put some more cold water in then".
p2283
aVHow do u find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
p2284
aVWhats red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
p2285
aVWhat is Mr T's favourite yoghurt? Petit Filou
p2286
aVWhy did the alien leave the party? Because the atmosphere wasn't right.
p2287
aVI used to go out with a Dutch girl who wore inflatable shoes, but then she popped her clogs!
p2288
aVWhat's got 8 eyes and 8 legs? 8 pirates.
p2289
aVI'd love to have a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing.
p2290
aVWhat has 20 legs and flys? 5 dead horses.
p2291
aVHad a fight last night with the wife, she threw a lettuce at me! That's just the tip of the iceberg.
p2292
aVI once had a dog called Blacksmith. Every time i kicked it, he made a bolt for the door!
p2293
aVThere was a fight in the chippy last night! Two fish got battered.
p2294
aVI got offered a 42 inch TV for £25, the only problem is that the volume button doesn't work. For that price though, you can't turn it down.
p2295
aVWhat do you get hanging from apple trees? Sore arms.
p2296
aVWhat did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? Gloves. Only joking, she hasnt opened her presents yet
p2297
aVWhat invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts
p2298
aVWhat's the fastest type of cake? Scone
p2299
aVMy horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark. It's becoming a night mare. 
p2300
aVWhy did the little girls ice cream melt? She was on fire.
p2301
aVA woman looked in the mirror and was shocked to see her first strands of grey hair. She thought she'd dye.
p2302
aVWhy shouldn't you shake hands with Tigger? Because he plays with Pooh.
p2303
aVBuying spiders from the pet store costs way more than getting them off the web.
p2304
aVI taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
p2305
aVJust been to visit my mates new baby, they asked me if I wanted to wind him. I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a dead leg.
p2306
aVI've got a joke about a tendon but it's a bit close to the bone.
p2307
aVWhy was the pie waiting on the corner? Because it was meat n potato.
p2308
aVWhat do thieves get for stealing calendars? 12 months
p2309
aVMy ex girlfriend was a girl called Anna Sthetic. She was a right knockout.
p2310
aVI went to a seafood disco last night. Pulled a mussel.
p2311
aVI cut my finger whilst slicing cheese. I have grater problems.
p2312
aVWhat's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil? Popeye's penis.
p2313
aVHow many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but that lightbulb has to want to change.
p2314
aVMy family think I spend too much time doing dot-to-dot puzzles. But it's okay, I know where to draw the line.
p2315
aVWhat did the female dinosaur call her blouse business? Try Sarah's tops.
p2316
aVWhat do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick
p2317
aVBecoming vegetarian is a big missed steak.
p2318
aVTwo cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "This taste funny to you?"
p2319
aVSomeone threw a piece of cheese at me in the supermarket, I didn't think it was very mature.
p2320
aVI thought I'd lost my dog in London at the weekend. Turns out he was just outside Barking.
p2321
aVHow do you get Pikachu on a bus? Pokemon.
p2322
aVMy front door was cheap. Made of foam. You can't knock it!
p2323
aVI drank a bottle of cat shampoo last night. Dont ask meow!
p2324
aVWhy did the little girl fall off the swings? Because she has no arms.
p2325
aVWhat do you call a sheep in the army? Lambo
p2326
aVI met the man who invented windowsills. What a ledge.
p2327
aVWhat's E.T. Short for? He's only got little legs!
p2328
aVMy wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with "The Monkeys". I thought she was joking, then I saw her face.
p2329
aVThe wife is cleaning out the cupboards, dirty, filthy and covered in cobwebs. But she's good with the kids!
p2330
aVI told my Mum I'd made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me! Should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
p2331
aVWent into a record shop and asked if they had anything by The Doors. He said "yes, a plant and a fire blanket."
p2332
aVWhat did the bad plant say to the good plant? I've turned over a new leaf.
p2333
aVI had a huge fight with my girlfriend yesterday, but I know she'll come crawling back to me. I stole her wheelchair.
p2334
aVThrew the washing machine at the missus. Bosch!!
p2335
aVMy wife has left me because she says I keep treating her like a pet. She'll be back when she's hungry.
p2336
aVMy dad told me to stop using such high calibre rounds when we were out hunting. As usual, it went in one deer and out the other.
p2337
aVI used to have a job as a drill operator. It was well boring.
p2338
aVAfter complaints about its bright lights, our local Chinese restaurant has agreed to Dim Sum.
p2339
aVWhen a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
p2340
aVMy pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last. He was caught in a trap..
p2341
aVThe wife asked me to get that spray that will make the curtains smell nicer. Apparently femfresh wasn't it
p2342
aVWhats green and smells of pork? Kermits finger.
p2343
aVTried to catch fog yesterday. Mist
p2344
aVWhere do fish keep their money? In a riverbank.
p2345
aVWhat does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay, underlay.
p2346
aVWhy did Sepp Blatter cross the road? To get to the other bribe!
p2347
aVWhat the best cheese to hide a horse with? Mascarpone.
p2348
aVOne of the best things about living I Sweden? Well, the flag is a big plus.
p2349
aVIt's a sad day today my best pal died of heartburn. I still can't believe Gaviscon.
p2350
aVWhats the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones heavy the others a little lighter.
p2351
aVWas walking round Tesco's the other day and a bloke threw a big lump of cheese at me! I thought how dairy!
p2352
aVI'm going to a deodorant party at the weekend. Roll on Saturday.
p2353
aVMan goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He says "Got any fishcakes?" "No sorry" "Awww that's a shame it's his birthday"
p2354
aVBought myself a universal remote control last night. This could change everything..
p2355
aVA clown has been sacked for turning up late for his job at the circus. He is suing for funfair dismissal.
p2356
aVWhat do you call a cowboy with no money? Skint Eastwood.
p2357
aVThis song is called subtraction Take it away!
p2358
aVA bloke walked into a Fishmongers with a giant condom under his arm. "A pound a fillet?" The Fishmonger replied "A pound you don't".
p2359
aVTook the shell off my racing snail this weekend. Thought it might speed him up. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
p2360
aVHave you heard about the new Eddie Stobart film coming out? It looks quite good, i've seen the trailer!
p2361
aVBreaking News: Pedigree Chum have gone bust! They've called in the retrievers.
p2362
aVDid you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
p2363
aVTwo fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"
p2364
aVIf you hold a mackerel to your ear you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put the fucker down.
p2365
aVWhat is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested that most pirates would have been illiterate.
p2366
aVWhy did the Baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
p2367
aVWhat's the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
p2368
aVA bloke just ran up to me and said he was going to beat me up with the neck of his guitar! I said, is that a fret?
p2369
aVWhat kind of bees produce milk? Boo-bees.
p2370
aVRoses are red, Violets are blue, I've got dementia, Cheese on toast.
p2371
aVDid you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He didn't believe in Dog.
p2372
aVGot caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. Lifeguard shouted so loud, I almost fell in...
p2373
aVToday my dog 'Minton' swallowed a shuttlecock. Bad Minton!!!
p2374
aVDid you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack!
p2375
aVI used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
p2376
aV2 dyslexics are in a kitchen. One says to the other "can you smell food?" The other one says "I can't even smell my own name!"
p2377
aVI had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles. It was a love triangle.
p2378
aVMy wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
p2379
aVWhat is E.T. short for? He has really small legs
p2380
aVIt's real hard being a single mother when you're male and In your mid-twenties.
p2381
aVPaying rent is like hitting a snooze button on being homeless.
p2382
aVIf an apple is 100% paralyzed , is it considered a fruit or a vegetable?
p2383
aVThe happier Asian's get, the less they can see.
p2384
aVNew study shows that slight overweight women live longer                      Than the men who mention it
p2385
aVMy coworker keeps showing me pics asking if I've seen her baby. I told her it's been two years and she's not going to find them
p2386
aVI used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.
p2387
aVWhy do you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? She's probably thick and tired of it
p2388
aVSmoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you're a procrastinator.
p2389
aVSpeeding has never killed anyone. suddenly becoming stationary, now THATS what gets you.
p2390
aVWatching Jeopardy backward is like seeing 3 panelists ask questions where Trebek always gets them right
p2391
aVWhen I'm bored, I call sick into places I don't work, today I'm getting written up at Ross.
p2392
aVWhat's a pirate's favorite thing to read?\u000aNothing, he can't.
p2393
aVWhat's worse than finding a fly in your soup?\u000aThis punchline
p2394
aVSaw a raggedly dressed boy in the street and asked if he was an orphan. "what gave me away?" He asked, I said, "your parents"
p2395
aVI came across a hooker who'd do anything for $50\u000aGuess who got the porch repainted?
p2396
aVI try to teach my mom something new every day, because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes
p2397
aVI wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison.. But apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition
p2398
aVIf a wipe down my vacuum with a paper towel.. That makes me a vacuum cleaner.
p2399
aVDid anyone wake green day up?
p2400
aVIf the gas station is 2 miles away and my dad can drive at 60MPH, why hasn't returned from getting snacks for 6 years?
p2401
aVSo glad I don't have to  hunt for food. I don't even know where sandwiches live.
p2402
aVWhat do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee
p2403
aVIs it bad to hate a certain race? Because I absolutely loathe Rainbow Road.
p2404
aVIf you're an astronaut and don't break up with someone by saying ' I need some space ' you're wasting everyone's time.
p2405
aVJust designed a website for orphans. There is no Home page.
p2406
aVTwo deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there.
p2407
aVWhich came first, the chicken or the egg?\u000a\u000aNeither, the rooster did
p2408
aVWhat did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?\u000a\u000aGloves.\u000a\u000aJust kidding, he hasn't gotten the box open yet.
p2409
aVI have to use a stepladder since my real ladder left when I was young.
p2410
aVWhy can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
p2411
aVWhy do orphans play tennis? Cause it's the only love they can get.
p2412
aVMy grandfather has the heart of a lion and a life ban from the zoo.
p2413
aVBought a cake for my girlfriend and wrote 'I'm baking up with you' on it.
p2414
aVWhy don't black people get sunburned? Because most prisons are indoors.
p2415
aVIf you wait for the waiter to return..Doesn't that MAKE you the waiter?
p2416
aVAustralians don't have sex, they mate.
p2417
aVWhile cooking breakfast I asked my girlfriend how she likes her eggs, she said fertilized. \U0001f636
p2418
aVWhy is Peter Pan always flying? Cause he neverlands haah
p2419
aVWhy do sorority girls walk in odd-numbered packs? Because they can't even.
p2420
aVThe best part about dead baby jokes is they ever get old
p2421
aVWhat's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?\u000aThe wheelchair
p2422
aVI broke my pinky today. It hurts, But on the other hand, I'm just fine.
p2423
aVWhat do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? \u000a\u000aAsh
p2424
aVHow do you know if lady gaga is dead? You poke her face
p2425
aVWhat happens if Pinocchio says 'My nose will now grow'?
p2426
aVWhat do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
p2427
aVSo two dyslexics walk into a bra.
p2428
aVSo I saw a magic tractor today. It was driving down the street and turned into a field.
p2429
aVSo two fish are in a tank and one turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
p2430
aVWhoever invented knock knock jokes should win a no bell prize.
p2431
aVHow does a medium talk with shoes?\u000aShe converses
p2432
aVThree years ago today  I asked a beautiful girl to go on a date. Today I asked her to be my wife.\u000aShe said no both times.
p2433
aVWhat is it called when you kill your friend? Homiecide.\u000a\u000aOr murder
p2434
aVIf tomatoes are fruit then isn't ketchup actually a smoothie?
p2435
aVWhat if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
p2436
aVHow come you can drink a drink but not food  a food?
p2437
aVWhat did the homeless man get for Christmas? Frostbite.
p2438
aVOnce you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is a doctor's appointment.
p2439
aVRandom thought, I've never seen an Asian woman pregnant.
p2440
aVI once asked a pretty homeless woman If I could take her home. She said yes, but you shoulda seen her face when I took her box!
p2441
aVWalk into the building like whaddup I got a oh no I'm so sorry wrong building please continue with your funeral God bless
p2442
aVI really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the checkout lady keeps putting it back.
p2443
aVWant a stable relationship? Get a horse!
p2444
aVWill Smith really looks like that guy from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
p2445
aVWhat do you call fly with no wings? A walk! Hahaha.. Heh .
p2446
aVPlugs keep bending? Straighten the outlet with a fork!
p2447
aVI gave Easter candy to my roommates and I'm officially dubbed the mom of the apartment now.
p2448
aVI'm a social vegan. I avoid meet.
p2449
aVWhy aren't iphone chargers called apple juice?
p2450
aV#instagram : Made for people who don't want to beg for friends on Facebook.
p2451
aVI wonder if King-sized sheets are called Presidential-sized sheets in Europe..
p2452
aVThere's 364 more days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
p2453
aVNew food naming trend at the office, today i ate a sandwich named Steve.
p2454
aVIntroducing free idiot tests! Only $5!
p2455
aVDo homeless people understand knock knock jokes?
p2456
aVstaring from a distance counts is flirting, right?
p2457
aVI hate living where I do. I used to think 55 degrees is cold now I think 18 degrees is warm.
p2458
aVI often worry that mankind is going to start world war 3 solely because we enjoy trilogies.
p2459
aVpaused Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can't watch breaking bad.
p2460
aVMy new years resolution is to remember...umm...
p2461
aVSometimes I cry when cutting carrots just so the onions don't think they are ugly or something.
p2462
aVto this day, the boys at that used to bully me and take my lunch money still does. on the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
p2463
aVWhy can't someone look at me the way i look at French fries..
p2464
aVI remember 2012 like it was yesterday..
p2465
aVJust illegally downloaded a video while here in Jamaica. Does that make me a pirate of the Caribbean?
p2466
aVDon't worry, Mayans. If you get it wrong, it's not the end of the world.
p2467
aVLost my mood ring.. Not sure how I feel about this.
p2468
aVI never finish anyth
p2469
aVOnce upon a time, computers were only used for Paint and Space Pinball.
p2470
aVMyth:\u000a\u000aIt is said to be that once the 'M' in MTV once stood for music.
p2471
aVOf course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.
p2472
aVOf course gay men dress well. They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
p2473
aVTo girls who say all men are the same, nobody said you had to try them all.
p2474
aVThere are two deaf blokes Sat at each end of the bus, signing each other wildly. I'm fighting the urge to ask them to keep it down.
p2475
aVI'm writing a joke about a guy's first day at FedEx but I just can't get the delivery right.
p2476
aVI saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
p2477
aVIf Eve doomed the human population for an apple.. What would she do for a Klondike?
p2478
aVMoney can't buy happiness, but I'd much rather cry in a mansion.
p2479
aVAll girls that are 13-17 look exactly the same now. #college
p2480
aVIf anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes and Noble from 6 PM until I'm escorted out by security.
p2481
aVI like to freak my dentist out by seductively licking his fingers during procedures.
p2482
aVMy wallet is so fat it's uncomfortable to sit. #richpeopleproblems
p2483
aVHalo 4: Saving more Teen pregnancies than Trojan.
p2484
aVUgh, stewardess wants us to turn off our portable electronics. Knew I should've brought my full desktop PC for this flight.
p2485
aVI've gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?". Too many people are taking it as a challenge.
p2486
aVIf you're having a bad day, just remember that someone has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
p2487
aVThey say nothing rhymes with orange. They're wrong. Nothing doesn't rhyme with orange.
p2488
aVI just got gas for $1.39 today at lunch! Gotta love Taco Bell.
p2489
aVI walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked,Whats this for? A pay rise.My wife told me to grow it first and then ask u
p2490
aVI'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is the maid on Family Guy.
p2491
aVMy homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like, it wasn't that hard.
p2492
aVMy boss:Ive noticed u nodding off during meetings recently.r u getting enough sleep?\u000aMe:Not really,the meetings are a lot shorter these days
p2493
aVI keep a baseball bat under the bed just in case someone breaks in and pitches a ball to me.
p2494
aVToday I am running around the park and putting sprinkles on dog crap so people's days aren't ruined.
p2495
aVFor Halloween this year I think I'm gonna go around to all the hospices and retirement homes and put up cemetery wallpaper.
p2496
aVI have a fear of speed bumps..but I'm slowly getting over it.
p2497
aVWhat if Taylor Swift and Adele started dating and then broke up?
p2498
aVGuys that try to pick up girls on Twitter are pathetic. Girls If you agree message me your number and we can talk about it.
p2499
aVMy advice to men; marry someone who looks sexy disappointed.
p2500
aVThe reason I wish I was in a gang would be so I know what to do with my hands in pictures.
p2501
aVSnooki's son is going to hate it when his friends discover Yo mama jokes.
p2502
aVI don't know why people want white iPhones... Everyone knows blacks run faster than whites.
p2503
aVSome girl yelled at me ' you're so hot!!' today on the street. Dont believe me? Ask Brad Pitt, he was Standing Right behind me.
p2504
aVI think I'm gonna get a cat just to blame it all the time for being a pussy.
p2505
aVIf guns don't kill people, people kill people, does that mean that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?
p2506
aVDid you just throw sodium chloride at me?! That's assault!
p2507
aVThey say there are a lot of scammers on the Internet! And for only $19.95 a month I can show you how to stop them!
p2508
aVI prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just surprised as everyone else by the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth.
p2509
aVI hate when I'm standing there trying to be handsome when some other guy comes and stands next to me and challenges my handsomeness.
p2510
aVTired of lacing shoes? Just replace them with earphones! They'll magically get knotted up every time, guaranteed.
p2511
aVSometimes I forget how to spell a word and I change the entire sentence just to avoid using that word.
p2512
aVWhat if oxygen lowers your voice and helium brings it back to normal?
p2513
aVThe worst thing about having more money than sense is probably the fact I don't have very much money.
p2514
aVI gotta dig bick. You that read wrong. That awkward when you read that wrong also. And said "moment" after awkward. This is awkward.
p2515
aVI've just won 10 million on the lottery and decided to buy my local Chinese takeaway called 'Happiness'.\u000a\u000aYour move, philosophers.
p2516
aVDo the Chinese people who visit America realize they bought souvenirs made in their own country?
p2517
aVIf vegetarians loved animals so much, they would stop eating all their food.
p2518
aVDocumentaries: Like real movies except with ugly people.
p2519
aVWhy can Mario smash bricks with his head but dies when he gets touched by a turtle?
p2520
aVIt's the little things that count. That's why I'm hosting a math class for midgets.
p2521
aVHow do you pronounce tomato? Is it tomato or tomato?
p2522
aVI don't hate you, but If you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
p2523
aVI hate the part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and actually participate in life.
p2524
aVA boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry and asks him: Did you see anything there that you weren't supposed to see?\u000a\u000aBoy: Yes, dad!
p2525
aVQ. Where do fags park?\u000a\u000aA. In the rear.
p2526
aVTeacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class. \u000a\u000aJohnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
p2527
aVYo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
p2528
aVIrony:\u000a\u000a90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.\u000a\u000aA million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom
p2529
aVI once dated a girl who had a parrot.\u000a\u000aDang thing would never shut up.\u000a\u000aBird was cool though.
p2530
aVJust saw two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard. Pillow fight.
p2531
aVAnyone know how long it takes this Axe body spray to get you swarms of girls? I've been drinking this stuff for weeks now.
p2532
aVIf a red-headed man works at a bakery, is he a ginger bread man?
p2533
aVTitanic was a slut. She went down on the first date and ironically swallowed a bunch of seamen, too.
p2534
aVMy girlfriend once asked me what turned me on: her sexy body or pretty face, I replied' your sense of humor'
p2535
aVAn elephant asks a camel why it had breasts on its back and the camel replied, ' silly question for someone who has a dick on its face '
p2536
aVIf women ruled the world there wouldn't be any wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
p2537
aVThere are two types of people in this world. People who pee in the shower, and dirty freaking liars.
p2538
aVWhat did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?\u000a\u000aWiped his butt.
p2539
aVAlcohol never solves any problems.\u000a\u000aBut then again, neither does milk.
p2540
aVI shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night.\u000a\u000aEspecially since I walked there.
p2541
aVI'm going to order a pizza and act confused when it arrives. 'for Chase? Chase is DEAD! He died ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago!
p2542
aVTo do:\u000a1) Dig a hole\u000a2) Name it love\u000a3) Watch people fall in it
p2543
aVSomething just occurred to me. Why are all the 'intelligent life' finding sources pointed away from earth?
p2544
aVI bought my wife some of that "volume control" shampoo.\u000a\u000aDoesn't work, I can still hear her.
p2545
aVI only trust people who like big butts.\u000a\u000aCause they can not lie.
p2546
aV"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found at all corners of the earth. Then he made the world round and laughed.."
p2547
aVI struggle with my laziness. I'm like, "should I sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing?"
p2548
aVWhy I donate sperm instead of blood? I MAKE lives not save them. And you know, other stuff.
p2549
aVI tried to log onto Twitter earlier today. It said,"Cookies are required to operate." I thought to myself, "Me too Twitter. Me too."
p2550
aVIf robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
p2551
aVThey should readjust clothing size to S,M,L,XL,F(at) and 2F(at).
p2552
aVI hate it when old people poke me at a wedding and say, "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
p2553
aVIf a bunch if midgets did a wave, would it be called a ripple?
p2554
aVYo momma so fat she have flabby thighs but lucky for you her stomach covers em.
p2555
aVI named my hard drive "dat ass" so that once a month, my computer asks me if I want to, "back dat ass up."
p2556
aVIt sucks when a bathroom sign says 'employees must wash hands' and I wait for over an hour and no one comes to wash my hands.
p2557
aV10 reasons I\u2019m lazy:\u000a1)
p2558
aVI got this really cute girl's number today.\u000aI'm starting to think that I should cause car accidents more often.
p2559
aVRunning away doesn't help you with your problems, unless you're fat.
p2560
aVWeather outside is BEAUTIFUL today. I think I'll go for a run. I won't do it, but I'll think about it.
p2561
aVSo, I was just standing around, doing nothing, when I got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
p2562
aVYo Momma is so stupid she spent all day saying 'am not' to R2
p2563
aVMe: "How do you spell HIV?" \u000aFriend:"H.I.V" \u000aMe: "Are you positive?" \u000aFriend:"Yes... Wait no... Damn!"
p2564
aVListen, calling people names says a lot more about you than it does about them, idiot.
p2565
aVI am glad technology has progressed to the point where we can take pictures that look like ones taken when technology sucked. #instagram
p2566
aVObesity doesn't run in my family, the problem is no one does.
p2567
aVI give back to the world by seeding my torrents.
p2568
aVStatistics show that teen pregnancy rapidly drop after the age of 19.
p2569
aVGod is love.\u000aBut Satan does that thing with his tongue that you love.
p2570
aVIf you think you are having a bad day..just remember one day somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom.
p2571
aVThe symbol in which everyone thinks is a heart  is not actually derived from an actual heart? But a rear view of a girl bending over.
p2572
aVMy ex? Yea I'd still hit that... with a bus.
p2573
aVI'm going to start a beer brand and name it Responsibly.
p2574
aVMy mate says,I remember my very first date with my wife,can u?\u000a"Yeah,"I replied,she was wearing sexy red lingerie,then u closed the curtains
p2575
aVYo momma jokes are old, common and used by everyone.\u000a\u000aJust like yo momma.
p2576
aVStop calling yourself hot. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.
p2577
aVSometimes, I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head toward my chest and then lean forward... 'Cause that's how I roll.
p2578
aVThis shout out is dedicated to all my blind followers: ... .. ... . .... ... .. ... .. . ..... ... ... . ..
p2579
aV"What do we want?"\u000a"A cure for obesity!"\u000a"When do we want it?"\u000a"After lunch!"
p2580
aV My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.\u000a\u000aThese days, she's more of a large.
p2581
aVIf my friend asks me to keep a secret, and says, "Don't tell a soul," can I still tell my ginger friend?
p2582
aVOnce you turn 21, you can finally legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 16.
p2583
aVJehovah's Witness' don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like random strangers coming to their door.
p2584
aVNo one ends life a virgin, life screws us all.
p2585
aVI got a new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom. Now I can Hardly walk, but my farts smell awesome.
p2586
aVI don't know whats more awkward. answering Dora, or sitting in silence as she stares at you.
p2587
aVWhy was Michael Jackson once spotted at K-Mart? He heard child's pants were half off.
p2588
aVMy girlfriend just asked for some alone time.. I made her a MySpace account.
p2589
aVI love the anonymity of the Internet. I could be tweeting this naked and you would never know.
p2590
aVHeard Apple was making a new iPod Touch model targeting a younger audience. I don't think the ' iTouch Kids ' is gonna be a big success.
p2591
aVI'm going to try winking as much in real life as I do in texts. ;)
p2592
aVI'll act my age when I'm 69.
p2593
aVI'm not affected by the price of gas, I just get $20 worth every time.
p2594
aVInspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
p2595
aV9/11 Jokes are just plane wrong, and Nazi jokes aren't funny, Ann frankly I am quite offended by them.
p2596
aVHey, I lost my phone. If you find it, call or text me, would ya?
p2597
aVSo I'm at Golden Gate bridge and everyone is telling me to jump, I'm only out for a jog!
p2598
aVI saw a girl fully clothed walking by me at the mall earlier today, 'Skank' I thought to myself, 'I bet she's naked under all those clothes'
p2599
aVI'm always willing to put in more hours at work, specifically lunch hours.
p2600
aVI am so jealous of my parents because there is no way I'll get a kid as cool as theirs.
p2601
aVBirth control pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
p2602
aVMy imaginary girlfriend just put me in the friendzone.
p2603
aVDecided to get into shape..I choose shape of potatoe.
p2604
aVSaving your document as "fgaskljdflkjsan" and having your computer say the file name is already taken.
p2605
aVHave you ever noticed razor blades taste just like blood?
p2606
aVBought my gay friend a GPS just so it would tell him to go straight.
p2607
aVCondoms come in three sizes. Small, medium, and liar.
p2608
aVMy girlfriend says I'm too immature...well no more treehouse privileges for her.
p2609
aVAs soon as I finish wiping is when my bowels choose to RELEASE THE KRACKEN
p2610
aVAt me bro you come. - Yoda
p2611
aVYou're a Philosophy major you say? Impressive, and yes, please make my order a combo.
p2612
aVsomeone called me gay for wearing heels the other day..but I was not going to wear tennis shoes with that dress.
p2613
aVAll atheists are hypocrites. Why, you say? They've all taken math. 2^4 is a higher power.
p2614
aVBy definition, people with bad ideas cannot be swayed by logic.
p2615
aVWhy do they offer senior discounts? They've had twice as long as anyone else to get the money!
p2616
aVFor all you who think nothing is impossible, please go staple jello to a tree.
p2617
aVMy buddy just asked me where he's supposed to rub the computer to turn it on..
p2618
aVSorry I haven't tweeted today. Justin Bieber's new album is out tonight, been standing in line all day to jump off Golden Gate Bridge.
p2619
aVNever go fishing with Skrillex, he always drops the bass.
p2620
aVI hate it when my Ferrari runs out of gas and I have to drive my Lamborghini.
p2621
aVQuote of the day: "Whenever you're feeling powerless, remember that just one of your turds can shut down a whole swimming pool."
p2622
aVI just told my friend that I am going to be a comedian--he laughed at me. I'm off to a good start!
p2623
aVMy credit card company loves me. Every day, I get a call from them saying my balance is outstanding.
p2624
aVTo all you vegetarians, the lifestyle you have chosen is a big missed steak .
p2625
aVHitch hikers are the friendliest people in the world. Everytime I pass one, they give me a thumbs up!
p2626
aVMy girlfriend said she was going to leave me because I am too impatient. \u000a\u000aI can't wait.
p2627
aVMy Contacts have been very irritating lately, so I deleted them off my phone .
p2628
aVRead a caution label 'Avoid contact with eyes' --shoot! I've already seen it!
p2629
aVI went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Got to check-out and realized I picked 7up
p2630
aVSo my girlfriend asked me for something that could go\u000aFrom 0-200 in 5 seconds. I gave her a bathroom scale.
p2631
aVI hate being bipolar. It is awesome.
p2632
aVMy game dog sucks at chess.
p2633
aVDon't ever run away from your problems, unless your problem is being chased by a bear.
p2634
aVI stuck my head out the window while driving and got arrested for mooning..
p2635
aVScored a job as an accountant. My new nickname is 'The Thought'.
p2636
aVA non-conformist. Just like everybody else.
p2637
aVI dont see the issue over whether prisoners get the right to\u000aVote or not. Criminals get elected anyway.
p2638
aVElleene Polley, inventor of the TV remote, has died. He shall be buried underneath the sofa cushions.
p2639
aVAll girls are iron man. Fe=Iron Male=Man
p2640
aVShout out to my boy Brian for saving 18 lives yesterday. Saved 2 cats from a tree.
p2641
aVThat awkward moment when your sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.
p2642
aVWhat If Aliens only abduct crazy people BECAUSE no one will believe them?
p2643
aVThat awkward moment when you realize the moment is just that.
p2644
aVHi my name is Avoid Completely. Danger is my middle name.
p2645
aVI hope college is gonna be as easy as half the girls that go there.
p2646
aVLet's be frank here. I'm Sinatra.
p2647
aVI think the biggest cause of dry skin is towels.
p2648
aVEvery 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes away. We have got to put an end to this!
p2649
aVWhat do I do when I'm too attractive ? Oops, meant to google ;)
p2650
aVNickelback walks into a bar...there is no punch line cause ruining music isn't funny.
p2651
aVI'm always looking  for my Number 1. You see, I'm not a very good aim in the bathroom.
p2652
aVA headache is just your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
p2653
aVAccording to Kinect, I am the controller, so whenever I lose, I throw myself on the ground and stomp on myself.
p2654
aVYou think living on the streets is bad? I'm from the sidewalk. Stepped on a crack and grew up motherless.
p2655
aVI was gonna do nothing today, but then I realized I hadn't finished doing it yesterday.
p2656
aVWhat do you call a Mexican that lost his vehicle? Carlos
p2657
aVWho is this feat. Guy? He's in a lot of songs.
p2658
aVI think "Shots" by LMFAO was paid off by doctors during flu season.
p2659
aVStudy shows researchers waste a lot of time finding out dumb things.
p2660
aVMy hugely-fat teacher was talking about the issue of obesity in America. Talk about an elephant in the room.
p2661
aVGot a puzzle that said "2-4 years" only took me 1.
p2662
aVSo I was at work at a conference call eating Cheetos without muting the mic. This is what I've always dreamt work would be.
p2663
aVYou compliment your friend on their mustache and suddenly she doesn't talk to you anymore. WTF?
p2664
aVMy friend said he got high from sniffing Coke, but I only have Pepsi. How do I do it?
p2665
aVMy Nigerian wife looked at our 5-year-old kid and said "aww, they blow up so fast"
p2666
aVI wonder if the ladies at the clubs can hear what the sings are saying about them.
p2667
aVI hate when I lose my white friends in the snow
p2668
aVThey say there is safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million Jews.
p2669
aVThe only reason why I want to legalize weed in America is so that potheads have nothing ever to talk about ever again.
p2670
aVI heard that Apple was planning on an iPad Mini.. I thought they already had one? The iPhone.
p2671
aVI've got an obsession with cats. My girlfriend is kicking meeeeowwwt.
p2672
aVMy great granddad perished on the sinking of the Titanic..he had a heart attack in The movies last week.
p2673
aVI think McDonald's only truthful menu item is the No. 2
p2674
aVI go to all these step-by-step programs and I still don't know how to dance.
p2675
aVSaw a bud's tweet saying "spending The night with my girl" I chuckled to myself because that movie SUCKED.
p2676
aVI think I'm having a no-life crisis.
p2677
aVI have a joke about unemployment, but it needs some work.
p2678
aVMy brother is in prison for something he didn't do--run fast enough.
p2679
aVThe people who make medicine clearly do not know what fruit tastes like.
p2680
aVA blonde read a news headline, "12 Brazilian soldiers killed" She shook her head and asked her friend, "How many is a Brazilian?"
p2681
aVTo the person who invented 0: Thanks for nothing.
p2682
aVSupervision: not as cool as it sounds.
p2683
aVI have two identical watches. I've got time to spare
p2684
aVAnxiety: Half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.
p2685
aVI don't go to The doctors because they Insist their profession is called a practice.
p2686
aVOne guy asked another: "Have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"\u000aHis friend replied: "No, but I've woken up with plenty."
p2687
aVThe only people that feel bad about wasting their life are the people that wouldn't be able to do anything useful with it, anyway.
p2688
aVPolitics: the fastest way to piss of anybody and get enemies.
p2689
aVThe "check engine" light came on, so I did.\u000a\u000aYup, still there.
p2690
aVI'm a fast listener. I listen to my girlfriend so fast I usually finish listening before she's done talking.
p2691
aVI went to the caucus meeting, got bored, went home and decided to learn about government by listening to Rage Against the Machine.
p2692
aVMy humbleness is my best quality.
p2693
aVI've never met a mirror I didn't like.
p2694
aVI'm having car trouble. I can't afford to put the gas in.
p2695
aVI just met the girl of my dreams. I forgot about her just a few minutes after I saw her.
p2696
aVEnglish teachers put more thoughts into novels than the authors do.
p2697
aVWhat activity do 3 out of 4 people call a good time? Gang rape.
p2698
aVHow a pessimist counts his blessings, "10..9..8..7.."
p2699
aVI tried to throw away my yo yo, it was freaking impossible.
p2700
aVMarried men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die.
p2701
aVIf steroids are illegal for athletes, Photoshop should be for models.
p2702
aVDoes the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
p2703
aVChanged the computer password to "keepquiet" because that's something my girlfriend does not know how to do.
p2704
aVWomen are reasonable! As long as we admit they're right, we don't have to agree to anything.
p2705
aVTelevision: A device that enables people aren't doing anything to watch people who can't do anything.
p2706
aVThe only reason why I'm hot is because I got fired.
p2707
aVI deleted my facebook because I don't care that 758 of my friends have colds.
p2708
aVPrius: a tampon on wheels.
p2709
aVIf all men are the same, why do women take so long to find one?
p2710
aVI gave my girlfriend blood today, I know it's not a great Valentine's gift , but it came from the heart.
p2711
aVFool me once , shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on thee. Fool me 8 times , you're probably a woman.
p2712
aVMen don't care whats on tv. They care what else is on tv.
p2713
aVLooks like my do absolutely nothing and get filthy rich plan isn't working.
p2714
aVValentines day is cancelled. Want proof? 14-02-12=0
p2715
aVI would never be a doctor. Id have to work on the weakened.
p2716
aVWhat concert costs 45 cents? 50 cent and nickel back.
p2717
aVI think I speak for everyone on Twitter when I say blah blah blah blah.
p2718
aVYour mommas so fat, she uses Google++++
p2719
aVThis planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door has been laying outside for 3 days now.
p2720
aVDid Adam and eve have belly buttons?
p2721
aVI just watched the entire P90X series and didn't lose a single pound. What a scam!
p2722
aVWhat is the same about Netflix and diarrhea? They both stream instantly.
p2723
aVSorry for no tweets yesterday, I think my neighbors forgot to pay the Internet bill. How irresponsible of them.
p2724
aVNaming one of my children Bass so if I drop them no one will get mad at me.
p2725
aVAs soon as women see me, they immediately in shape to impress me. They start running.
p2726
aVChanging my Facebook language to Spanish. So now instead of a "Like" button, I have a "Me Gusta" button.
p2727
aVI wonder if the girls on 16 and pregnant will come back and have a show called 32 and a grandma?
p2728
aVNeed a new book that will just blow your Mind? Read Twilight! You'll read a page and want to shoot yourself.
p2729
aVWhen a deaf person sees me yawn, does he think I'm screaming?
p2730
aVMy cat should stop thinking outside of the box.
p2731
aVMy parents are omnipotent. In other words, they are all-no-ing.
p2732
aVWhen a women says 'What?' it's not because she didn't hear you. Shes giving you a chance to change what you said.
p2733
aVI'm gonna make a book called there's Waldo. And you have to find everything else.
p2734
aVIf I turned invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a street mime. The amount of applause he would get would be amazing.
p2735
aVDo you think Satan gets a lot of letters from Dyslexic kids during Christmas?
p2736
aVThe chances of you dying on the way to get your lottery tickets are greater than your chances of winning.
p2737
aVHitler without a blindfold: " I can see"\u000aHitler with a blindfold: " I can Nazi"
p2738
aVTeacher: A person who helps you solve problems you wouldn't have without them.
p2739
aV"Wow, nice pair of crocs"\u000a-Said no one, ever.
p2740
aVWas on Yahoo! Answers and saw a question. \u000a"How big is the specific ocean?"\u000aI replied, " Can you be more pacific? "
p2741
aVMy girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to the gas station.
p2742
aVThe problem with political jokes is they always get elected.
p2743
aVI walk by the clock to pass the time.
p2744
aVFor every dollar a man makes, a woman makes seventy cense. That's not fair cause the man is only left with .30.
p2745
aVIf I had a quarter for every time homeless person asked me for change, I'd still say no.
p2746
aVThe only thing easier to pick up when it's heavy is women.
p2747
aVSo stressed my acne just broke out.
p2748
aVWhen a recipe asks for crushed ice, I tell the cubes they'll never amount to anything.
p2749
aVYou know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
p2750
aVDo you ever get the feeling you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.
p2751
aVI think men who have a pierced ear are more prepared for marriage. They've already bought jewelry and have experienced pain.
p2752
aV'Yo yo'--a six year old's favorite toy, or two gang members talking? You be the judge.
p2753
aVSometimes, I miss being in a relationship. But then I look in my wallet and feel alright again.
p2754
aVAn angel came and told me God has been hearing my prayers...and they're really creeping Him out.
p2755
aVI'm not ignoring you, I'm pretending you're dead.
p2756
aVMy girlfriend left me for my neediness of approval. That's ridiculous, right guys? Right? Right?
p2757
aVRoses are grey.\u000aViolets are grey.\u000aI'm colorblind.
p2758
aVInstead of cosmetics, I'm giving my wife PhotoShop.
p2759
aVSome girl just said she wanted to have my children. Im dropping off my 2-year-old tomorrow.
p2760
aVWhy do people take years to write a novel when they can buy one for a couple bucks?
p2761
aVMagicians make people disappear all the time! But as soon as I take and hide a regular person everyone freaks out!
p2762
aVThe first time I sang in the church choir about 200 hundred people changed their religion.
p2763
aVIt pains me to say this...but I have a sore throat.
p2764
aVAge has its advantages. Too bad no one that old can remember what they are.
p2765
aVWhen someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
p2766
aVI'm super lazy. It's like lazy, but I wear a cape.
p2767
aVWhen I went to the urologist he said I had to go.
p2768
aVI want to find my true self. But for fun, I decided to throw on some camouflage.
p2769
aVAll men make mistakes. Married men just find out about them quicker.
p2770
aVEver decide to run a red light but the guy in front of you chickens out?
p2771
aVDo you know what all kind of imported port-a-potties should be called? EUROPEAN.
p2772
aVThe only time I smile when I have done something wrong, is when I have found someone to blame it on.
p2773
aVPeople like you are the reason we have middle fingers.
p2774
aVI'm happy. Don't ruin it by talking to me.
p2775
aVI'd rather have a mustache than a baby.
p2776
aVIn a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people for punishment.
p2777
aV"Last night, I was sitting so long that I had to do some stretches before I used the bathroom." -Corinna M
p2778
aVFoosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
p2779
aVI never knew true happiness until I got married...then it was too late.
p2780
aVAnything not made by God is made in China.
p2781
aVYou so ugly even a basilisk couldn't look you in the eye.
p2782
aVMaking another Facebook profile called Ahontas and have people poke me.
p2783
aVThe last piece of that Butterfinger I ate in '07 finally came out of my teeth.
p2784
aVI tried on a pair of jeans from 7 years ago and they still fit perfectly. My "eat whatever I want and hope nothing happens" diet is working!
p2785
aVWhenever I have a problem, I just sing. Then I realize that my voice is worse than my problem and it isn't a big deal anymore.
p2786
aVHome alone and something just farted. Don't know whether to laugh or be scared.
p2787
aVWas in the gym earlier and jumped on the treadmill.people were giving me weird looks so I started jogging instead.
p2788
aVMy girlfriend said my brother is ugly, I typically wouldn't mind, but we are identical twins.
p2789
aVWhen people tell me to make myself at home, I begin to yell invariably at the tv.
p2790
aVTake my advice, do not take my advice.
p2791
aVSome day you'll go far, and I hope you stay there.
p2792
aVI have horrible luck. The only girl in the world for me is my adopted sister.
p2793
aVI'm going to open a parachute company. Because anyone who would complain about my product is already dead.
p2794
aVI predict we have been reading the Mayan calendar upside-down an we still have another 2000 years to live.
p2795
aVTrying to figure out why suicidal pilots wear helmets.
p2796
aVUgly people don't need beauty sleep, they need hibernation.
p2797
aVWhen girls say "let's just be friends" it's like your mom telling you that your dog died but you can still keep it.
p2798
aVMy New Year's resolution is to make commitments I can't keep. I am well on my way.
p2799
aVIf I ate myself would I be twice as big or disappear completely?
p2800
aVThe only dream that ever comes true is one about peeing.
p2801
aVLiking your own Facebook status is like high-fiving yourself in public.
p2802
aVFundraiser idea: Play 'Baby' by Justin Bieber constantly, and have people pay to make it stop.
p2803
aVNew Year's Resolution: 1: Buy a padlock. 2: Find a person with Tunnel plugs( holes in their ear). 3: Lock it onto their ear. 4: Run.
p2804
aVJust bought some Emo grass seed for the lawn. It cuts itself!
p2805
aVWe live a society where obesity is uprising and skinny jeans are a fad. Please help me.
p2806
aVIasanamericanhavediscoveredanewwaytobelazyandthatisusingnospacebar.
p2807
aVI stood up and the button on my shirt fell off, I grabbed my bag and the handle broke off, and now I'm really afraid to go to the bathroom.
p2808
aVVideo games have better plots than moves nowadays.
p2809
aVI met the girl of my dreams, then I woke up.
p2810
aVDon't lie to me! That's what the government does!
p2811
aVDog: Man's best friend.\u000aCat: Man's reclusive roommate who poops in a box.
p2812
aVDoes this XXXXL shirt make me look fat?
p2813
aVDo you think when midgets take drugs they get medium instead of high?
p2814
aVDid you ever noticed the word 'bed' actually looks like one?
p2815
aVI say 'Pika' every time before I sneeze.
p2816
aVChuck Norris is a stupid actor! if he was a good actor he'd come over and slap my head on the keyknadjndbndkndbjdknskodokdnsnmanbsjdo
p2817
aVWhat people don't realize: Those people who think paying $60 for a video game is a waste just bought themselves a $300 pair of shoes.
p2818
aVI was looking at my family tree and noticed a dog peeing on it.
p2819
aVThe best person for the job is the one who understands it well enough not to want it.
p2820
aVErnie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert!
p2821
aVNeed a distraction? Not only does 12+1=11+2, but the letters "twelve plus one" rearrange to give you "eleven plus two".
p2822
aVPress Alt + F4 to finish the joke..
p2823
aVShotgun Weddings : A wife or death situation.
p2824
aVI live everyday trying not to disappoint those three people who wrote "Stay Cool" in my yearbook.
p2825
aVSometimes wisdom doesn't come with age, sometimes just age likes to show up.
p2826
aVI once had a girlfriend who could look into the future. She left me before we met.
p2827
aVone out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, its \u000aYou
p2828
aVAs I said before, I never repeat myself!
p2829
aVI'm going to get a bumper sticker that says "If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and sue you"
p2830
aVJust sold my car for gas money.
p2831
aVWatching a blonde with lipstick on her forehead, she must be making up hermind.
p2832
aVWatched a blonde staring at an orange juice for 20 minutes, finally asked her what she was doing and she said it said "concentrate"
p2833
aVI have a degree in art--you want fries with that?
p2834
aV111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
p2835
aV- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
p2836
aVJust changed my ringtone to a busy signal. Why haven't I thought of this before?
p2837
aVIf I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
p2838
aVBeauty is only a light switch away.
p2839
aVRight now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
p2840
aVJust found a misspelled word in the dictionary... What do I do?!?!
p2841
aVI considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays
p2842
aVIf you see your friend Jack on an airplane, don't say Hi to him.
p2843
aVWhat's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
p2844
aVDid you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He thought he was following someone.
p2845
aVI wish school was as easy as half the girls that go there.
p2846
aVThe reason I don't watch Jersey Shore is because I can watch talking carrots on VeggieTales.
p2847
aVI still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving
p2848
aVI wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
p2849
aVPolice were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
p2850
aVNeed an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
p2851
aVI would take a bullet for anybody, unless it was shot out of a gun.
p2852
aVIm sorry, did The middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
p2853
aVA men tells his doctor "Doc, help,I'm addicted to Twitter!" the doctor replies, "sorry, I dont follow you.."
p2854
aVIt's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.
p2855
aVWhat is it called when I pay people off not to call it bribery?
p2856
aVI learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
p2857
aVI put off more things by 9:00am than most people do all day.
p2858
aVPeople can be so full of crap. They should consider a laxative.
p2859
aVWhy'd The blonde get fired from The M&M factory? She threw away all The W's
p2860
aVIf a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
p2861
aVWhat's the other word for synonym?
p2862
aVI'm amazed swearing isn't a part of Driver's Ed.
p2863
aVJust saw a guy hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine
p2864
aVI'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
p2865
aVOriginality is The art of concealing your sources.
p2866
aVMarriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
p2867
aVFollow your dreams, except for the one where your naked at work.
p2868
aVGot some new underwear today, well, to me.
p2869
aVI'm not a pessimist. I have a B Negative blood type.
p2870
aVWant to save money on car insurance? Flee the scene!
p2871
aVThey need to change the national bird to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
p2872
aVNothing makes me feel more in control then the shaking, panicking icons when I'm about to delete an app.
p2873
aVCan't find the bottom of my shoes. Guess I have some sole searching to do.
p2874
aVWent to open mic night and it was just some dude talking about his life.
p2875
aVI'm throwing a party for people who have issues with orgasms. Can you come?
p2876
aVTwilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans claim you just don't understand.
p2877
aVWhy do women live longer, peaceful lives? Because they don't have a wife!
p2878
aVGirl: Do you know, why were females created before males?\u000aBoy: Because God needed a rough funny draft before the final copy!
p2879
aVDo you know when you are in hospital, your friends ask: Hi, how are you dear?\u000aBut your best friends ask: Hey buddy, how is the nurse?
p2880
aVMy girlfriend thinks I'm a workaholic, to prove her wrong, I only worked a double shift on the weekends instead of a triple.
p2881
aV"Inverted sit-ups" is just a fancy name for lay-downs. I can only do one. But I can hold it for a long time.
p2882
aVI wish there was a cereal with human shaped things to eat, then I could be a cereal killer.
p2883
aVIf a deaf person swears, does their mom wash their hands with soap?
p2884
aVMy best friend ran off to become a mime, I haven't heard from him since.
p2885
aV"The biggest problem with using the Internet is you never know if it's reliable or not" -Abraham Lincoln
p2886
aVI was just awarded a trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
p2887
aVThe first person who pulled an egg out from under a chicken's butt and ate it must have been really freaking hungry.
p2888
aVTeachers know when you are texting. I mean, are you really looking at your crotch and smiling?
p2889
aVIf there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.
p2890
aVI'm on a diet where I eat everything and hope for a miracle.
p2891
aVBad decisions=good stories.
p2892
aVMy favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
p2893
aVBaby: What you can sleep like if you dont have one.
p2894
aVI saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said "guess"
p2895
aVHow fast does a Zebra have to run before it looks grey?
p2896
aVI have a time machine. But it only goes forward at a regular speed.
p2897
aVWhale watching is very similar to watching disappointed people on a boat.
p2898
aVHome: A mobile home with a flat tire.
p2899
aVRenamed the router "Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wi-Fi"
p2900
aVThey should make a Rosetta Stone for men to understand women.
p2901
aVBe there in 5 minutes, if not, read this again.
p2902
aVI think the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is the fact a Ginger had two friends.
p2903
aVWhen I see people in camouflage I bump into them and say"Whoa, sorry I didnt see you there".
p2904
aVMy math professor staples Burger King applications to failed tests.
p2905
aVGirls, if a guy pauses a video game to text you back, marry him.
p2906
aVAre straight and gay pirates after the same booty?
p2907
aVI'm going to make an ice cream name "Genetics" so then people have an excuse to be so fat.
p2908
aVI'm going to make a shirt for fat people that says "I beat anorexia".
p2909
aVWhy did the phone wear glasses? He lost his contacts.
p2910
aVI see a striking resemblance between Justin Bieber and Elton John.
p2911
aVI hate Lay's for selling me air in a bag with a little bit of chips.
p2912
aVBack in my day, we had NINE planets.
p2913
aVRespect your parents. They did school without google or Wikipedia.
p2914
aVWhy'd the idiots at Microsoft buy Skype for over $10 million dollars when they can download it for free?
p2915
aVI think the worst part about being an Asian is trying to tell whether you blinked in a picture or not.
p2916
aVTickling: Like being raped, but you're forced to laugh.
p2917
aVWhen MW3 was released in Iraq, they called it Sims.
p2918
aVI think Emos just like the way their hair smells.
p2919
aVFighting for peace is like having sex for virginity.
p2920
aVLOOK LEFT ----------------------------> fail.
p2921
aVStudy: The act of watching TV, texting and eating with an open textbook nearby.
p2922
aVI wish Google Maps had an 'Avoid the Ghetto' routing option.
p2923
aVI wanna throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.
p2924
aVThose laxative commercials seem to go right through me.
p2925
aVSick of being so tired? Well there's a nap for that.
p2926
aVI was reading 'The History of Glue' last night--I couldn't put it down.
p2927
aVI wish my only problem in life was fighting over how many millions of dollars I make. #Lockout
p2928
aVThat moment where you're trying to work but a bunch of YouTube videos keep popping up.
p2929
aVI wont jump in front of a bullet for anyone. Because if I have time to jump in front, you have time to move.
p2930
aVI'm quitting eating these Thanksgiving leftovers; cold turkey.
p2931
aVI would be the funniest man alive if I had no morality.
p2932
aVHim: You're sexy!\u000aHer: And I Know it!\u000aHim: LMFAO, good one!
p2933
aVAmbition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
p2934
aVI've got a friend whose butler is missing his left arm--serves him right.
p2935
aVI bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I'll probably put it in the front room.
p2936
aVPeople who say "Give it 100%" haven't ever donated blood, have they?
p2937
aVIt really bugs me that OCD isn't alphabetized.
p2938
aVThe mail has became so slow that the seeds I ordered arrived in full bloom.
p2939
aVMy family's new television has parental control.\u000a\u000aI'm gonna use it to get my mom to make me a sandwich.
p2940
aVNote to thieves: Steal from a thug, chances are his PIN #s are one of three 4-letter swear words.
p2941
aVI watch pom. You misread that, didn't you?
p2942
aVModern Warfare 3: The ultimate form of birth control.
p2943
aVTEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?\u000a\u000aSIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
p2944
aVRecent Sperm Bank Review: "I love coming here"
p2945
aVGoing to mcdonalds for a Salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.
p2946
aVHalloween: the only day you can get away with killing someone and leaving them on the front porch.
p2947
aVWe went from playing doctor as kids to airport security as teenagers.
p2948
aVHumpty Dumpty died a crack head.
p2949
aVDeja Moo--Feeling like you've heard this Bull Crap before.
p2950
aVJust saw a blonde driving a smart car. I could make a joke out of this...
p2951
aVA thing to ponder: if the Pope uses the restroom, is it a holy crap?
p2952
aVMarriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
p2953
aVIf prisoners get arrested, where do they go?
p2954
aVJust ordered a load of bubble wrap off eBay today. Just to see what it gets delivered in.
p2955
aVCleavage - It's like the sun. It's okay to look, but dangerous to stare.
p2956
aVI think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Butt.
p2957
aVFunny Laws-Alaska: persons may not live in a trailer as it is being hiked across the city.
p2958
aVFunny Laws-Alaska: it is considered an offense to push a moose out of an airplane.
p2959
aVQ. Where do you find a one legged dog?\u000aA. Where you left it.
p2960
aVHelp keep America beautiful. Stay in your house!
p2961
aVVirginity is like a bubble, one prick and it's gone.
p2962
aVI never win at Scrable.
p2963
aVI'm sick of people lying to me. I asked three people what time it was and they all said something different.
p2964
aVThe only regret I would have if I died in my sleep was going to bed.
p2965
aVWhat is a common illness for Judge's to have? Motion sickness.
p2966
aVAre Pi shops open 22/7?
p2967
aVAll exorcism is: B(r)east Reduction
p2968
aVTork is screwed up.
p2969
aVTorc is screwed up.
p2970
aVThe technology of this weed-whacker is cutting hedge!
p2971
aVWomen shouldn't have children after thirty. Because, really, thirty children should be enough.
p2972
aVI dont know what all this planking business is about, I just know Snoopy started it.
p2973
aVWhere do women use the restroom? All I ever see on the bathroom signs are men and Scottish men.
p2974
aVGiraffes are the cockiest beings I've ever met, do you know how long it takes for them to swallow their pride?
p2975
aVI just want people to accept who I pretend I am
p2976
aVWhy are hurricanes names after women? Because at first they are wet and wild, then take your home and cars away.
p2977
aVI love you. I love other words, too.
p2978
aVJust past my English exam.
p2979
aVThe only plastic surgery I'll ever give my wife is cutting up her credit cards.
p2980
aVSuper Bowl: 30 second clips of men running in between commercials
p2981
aVAll trail mix is is deconstructed candy bars.
p2982
aVWomen say we men have it easy because we haven't experienced childbirth. How the heck do they think we got here?
p2983
aVMy girlfriend called me to break up with me because 'I don't understand the simplest concepts'--I said'Hang on, how'd you get in my phone?'
p2984
aVWord to the Women: It ain't the clothes that make you fat.
p2985
aVMy girlfriend left me cause she's sick of me "quoting her all the time"...
p2986
aVTired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.
p2987
aVMy smart phone doesnt work. I push home and I'm still at work.
p2988
aVI hate helping people. I think I'll get a job at Apple.
p2989
aVI'd rather  have a dry sense of humor than slobber everywhere .
p2990
aVWhen I was born I was so smart I got my parents to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day.
p2991
aVAuto-correct can kiss my big fat hairy ask!
p2992
aVI always go off topic in middle of the Mediterranean where I had a lovely time.
p2993
aVTwinkle twinkle little slut, close your legs you filthy mutt.
p2994
aVI say the right things, to the wrong people.
p2995
aVI live life like how I type. Fast with a lot of mistakes that I'm too lazy to fix.
p2996
aVI Have faith in fools. In my friends' cases, they call it self-confidence.
p2997
aVMaking another Facebook account with the name ' Nobody Actually ' to mess with people's heads when I like their statuses.
p2998
aVI think shooting for the stars is a waste of ammunition.
p2999
aVLife gets easier when youre part of the problem.
p3000
aVI fell in love at first sight...I probably should have looked twice.
p3001
aVI'm green. I use iPhone apps in my iPad to save pixels.
p3002
aVI'm always one step ahead of my girlfriend. When she dumped me, I told her the bags were already in the car.
p3003
aVI think my computer is female. She's always correcting my mistakes and telling me how to fix them.
p3004
aVAre there really rhetorical questions?
p3005
aVI was talking to my mate earlier when I thought to myself, "Why on earth are you called Earlier?"
p3006
aVI'm so proud of my hydration I don't even flush.
p3007
aVSince it's the thought that counts, I'll just keep thinking about getting that colonoscopy.
p3008
aVIgnoranus: an ignorant butthole.
p3009
aVRussian Roulette: You win some, you lose one.
p3010
aVWhen Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?
p3011
aVValentine's Day: the reason so many people are born in November.
p3012
aVI size zero considered 2D?
p3013
aVRetro Shopping: comparing prices after you have bought the item.
p3014
aVUnprotected sleep: sleeping without an alarm clock.
p3015
aVGrade Digger: the chick who only talks to me for help with her classes.
p3016
aVEnjoyed the wii-kend. Have I even blinked?
p3017
aVBarage: neighborhood garage transformed to look like a city bar.
p3018
aVWhat: A taunt used by gangsters.
p3019
aVEargasm: climax of ear's pleasure, usually when listening to music. "Dude! I totally just had an eargasm man!"
p3020
aVTextpectation: Anticipation of receiving a new text.
p3021
aVMain: what a guys number one girl is. He fails to tell her about the others.
p3022
aVPlaylistism: discrimination against people's choice of music.
p3023
aVEmaul: degrading someone via e-mail
p3024
aVSuper Bowl: The only show that makes me want to watch the commercials.
p3025
aVHo ho ho: Santa's cry, or three prostitutes.
p3026
aVE-void: the use of technology to avoid human contact.
p3027
aVTo celebrate the last Harry Potter movie, I am going to cut a scar in my forehead.
p3028
aVI'm not old, I'm a classic.
p3029
aVNaps prevent old age, especially when you take them while driving.
p3030
aVI have a leak in my pipe.. Dam it!
p3031
aVI finally got my sportscar. Got a mad gash between my eyes from a football!
p3032
aVLife is like a bubble bath. All fun and games till till you get some in your eye.
p3033
aVFlashole: Someone who flashes you with their brights even though yours aren't on.
p3034
aVGashole: A jerk who drives something that consumes a lot of gas.
p3035
aVParentnoia:Parentnoia is the irrational fear parents have that their children are doing something wrong, or being hurt in some way.
p3036
aVDo you think if I charged my phone less it would do the same?
p3037
aVIcescapee: The ice cube that ends up on the floor when you break a new tray of ice.
p3038
aVChevrolegs: The kind of vehicle you own when you can't afford a car. \u000a\u000aYour feet.
p3039
aVBody Spam: Unsolicited body contact.
p3040
aVego-fart: Flatulence forced from one's body in a pompous, self-satisfying manner, without regard to the consideration of others.
p3041
aVemail: Once an efficient and fast method of communication and message transferring, now a way of harassing Internet users with spam,
p3042
aVPeegret: Regretting not using the bathroom shortly after you leave a facility in which you were able to do so.
p3043
aVCongreenient: The practice of recycling, or being green, only when convenient. A person who only recycles when it is convenient to do so.
p3044
aVThe stall stall: In public bathrooms, the act of remaining in a bathroom stall after having completed one's business, to maintain anonymity
p3045
aVYouTube has drastically changed my attention span from about three hours to three minutes.
p3046
aVTanorexia: A disease like anorexia, no matter how tan a person is they never think they are tan enough.
p3047
aVDweet: (v) Tweeting while intoxocated.
p3048
aVThanksgiving: Another excuse for Americans to eat all day.
p3049
aVGeek: The people you pick on in high school and work for after.
p3050
aVNERD: One whose IQ exceeds their weight.
p3051
aVTwitter Bang: Hooking up with someone in less than 140 characters.
p3052
aVHahaha: Used when "haha" just isn't funny enough.
p3053
aVHangry: So hungry by the lack of food you become angry.
p3054
aVLove: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.
p3055
aVUnbrella: An umbrella which has no further use, as when a force of wind turns it inside-out
p3056
aVHeadline: Suicidal twin accidentally kills sister
p3057
aVMicrowave Mentality:\u000aHaving the attitude that if something can't be done in 5 minutes or less, it's not worth doing.
p3058
aVProductive Procrastination: The act of keeping busy with things that don't need to be done.
p3059
aVBisexual: The ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.
p3060
aVEngayed: The term used when two gays are engaged or want to become married.
p3061
aVImmature: What one redneck says to another when he wants his chair back.\u000a"Hey, you done sat immature and I be wanting it back."
p3062
aVEveryone has weird neighbors. If you don't, you're the weird neighbors.
p3063
aVWhy did we name our planet after dirt?
p3064
aVWhy do so many people on Facebook take pictures of their mirrors?
p3065
aVLoves the time of year when things that blow up are legal.
p3066
aVI rate myself 9.84520137453850162 out of 10 for accuracy.
p3067
aVSorry followers for being gone--Sorry I look so beat up. But, you see, the economy bounced back and I was standing in the way.
p3068
aVToday I took a class on castration It was all neuter me
p3069
aV"I feel depressed, lol"
p3070
aVFishes miss a lot of calls. They always seem to be stuck on a line.
p3071
aVI am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
p3072
aVIf you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
p3073
aVIn Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
p3074
aVI took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
p3075
aVWe could learn alot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us...
p3076
aVI won 'BSer of the year' but no one believed me.
p3077
aVYour girlfriend is rated E: for everyone.
p3078
aVFYI: Condoms are cheaper than diapers.
p3079
aVMarriage: Assisted Suicide.
p3080
aVPsychology - the art of pulling a habit out of a rat.
p3081
aVHere\u2019s to being single \u2013 drinking doubles \u2013 and seeing triple!
p3082
aVONN: Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner for Republican Presidential Nomination. "NoBama!"
p3083
aVAmbetextrous: able to text with both hands.
p3084
aVThere's a lot of fish in the sea. Might as well catch a few, gut them, and throw them back in.
p3085
aVWhen I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
p3086
aVMen are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don\u2019t generate a lot of interest.
p3087
aVI have a drinking problem. If Jake has 5 beers and Dan has 4\u2026
p3088
aVeath is nature\u2019s way of saying, Your table\u2019s ready.
p3089
aVOne reason I don\u2019t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
p3090
aVWise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it.
p3091
aVIf I had a dollar for every time someone called my ex wife ugly...\u000aI would have stayed with her for the money.
p3092
aVWhy are Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home?
p3093
aVLet us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
p3094
aVThe beauty about telling the truth is you never have to remember anything.
p3095
aVMy wife let's me show her who's boss every once in awhile.
p3096
aVMental Note: Actual notes work better.
p3097
aVHave you seen the price of velcro? It's a ripoff!
p3098
aVDon\u2019t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.\u005c
p3099
aVWithout geography, you're nowhere.
p3100
aVMarriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience
p3101
aVMy answering machine: Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep.
p3102
aVSo you know that phenomenon in 1990 that 150 sheep fell off a cliff? Well that's "unherd" of.
p3103
aVGiving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.
p3104
aVThe difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
p3105
aVI must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
p3106
aVThe Truth: S(he) be(lie)ve(d).
p3107
aVMarriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
p3108
aVDrive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
p3109
aVThat would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.
p3110
aVRadioactive halibut will make fission chips.
p3111
aVI used to be schizophrenic, but we\u2019re all right now.
p3112
aVHave no kids? \u000aHire a babysitter anyway, \u000asay kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. Return home and ask where your child is.
p3113
aVI find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
p3114
aVIf a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would look just as it does now.
p3115
aVI bought a waterbed in hopes that me and my girlfriend would eventually drift away.
p3116
aV\u201cThe reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.\u201d
p3117
aVIt might look like I\u2019m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I\u2019m really quite busy.
p3118
aVSign posted in a bathroom: We aim to please! You aim too! Please!
p3119
aV"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."
p3120
aVRoses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
p3121
aVA bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."
p3122
aV I discovered I scream the same way whether I\u2019m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
p3123
aVThe main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
p3124
aVA bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don\u2019t need it.
p3125
aVI saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with \u201cGuess\u201d on it\u2026so I said \u201cImplants?\u201d
p3126
aVA bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
p3127
aVHow is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
p3128
aVEvening news is where they begin with \u2018Good evening\u2019, and then proceed to tell you why it isn\u2019t.
p3129
aVA fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
p3130
aVWhy buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
p3131
aVA religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
p3132
aVThe future isn\u2019t what it used to be.
p3133
aVHe's not dead\u2026 he's electroencephalographically challenged.
p3134
aVNever, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
p3135
aVNow that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
p3136
aVIf you think about it long enough, you\u2019ll see that it\u2019s obvious.
p3137
aVCleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing
p3138
aVToo bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxi cabs or cutting hair.
p3139
aVThere are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
p3140
aVRight after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend asked me how to change her relationship status on Facebook.
p3141
aVMy girlfriend thinks I have a gambling addiction. She hasn't said anything, but I bet that's what she's thinking.
p3142
aVI'm 100% against animal cruelty. Nothing makes me sadder than when my dog makes fun of me.
p3143
aVSpring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush
p3144
aVPeople in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
p3145
aVWhen at wal mart: tell manager over intercom to find your lost friend mike hunt
p3146
aVExperience is what you get when you don\u2019t get what you want.
p3147
aVAccording to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
p3148
aVThe trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
p3149
aVI hope I never meet the girl of my dreams. Cause she'll be wanting some weird stuff.
p3150
aVToo many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.
p3151
aVDo you think last night was the world record for intercourse?
p3152
aVI have a very open mind, people tell me they can feel a breeze when they sit next to me.
p3153
aVWhen I thought I found my groove, it turned out it was only a rut.
p3154
aVI always play fair when I make the rules.
p3155
aVIf you can\u2019t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
p3156
aVIf swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
p3157
aVPlease show your support of dyslexics and TR this.
p3158
aVI am yet to bite a moose that tastes like chocolate.
p3159
aVKinstipation: the painful inability to get visiting relatives out.
p3160
aVI'm so great, I'm jealous of myself.
p3161
aVHealth advice: the more birthdays you have, the longer you live. Guaranteed.
p3162
aVDear IRS, please cancel my subscription.
p3163
aVIf at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
p3164
aVI always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
p3165
aVMy girlfriend is piñata. I dont think things are gonna work out cause guys keep hitting on her.
p3166
aVThe good news is that I dethatched the lawn. The bad news is thats all the lawn is made of.
p3167
aVI have a button on my microwave that says "stop time". I assume it means the timer but I don't touch it, just in case.
p3168
aVAt least the garbage disposal eats what I cook.
p3169
aVI have a gift. Every time I approach something With wings, it flies away. It happens with women, too.
p3170
aVOpportunity once knocked..but you don't want to know what it left.
p3171
aVA cop pulled me over today and said: "papers".. so i said: "scissors, I win!"
p3172
aVThis place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
p3173
aVA birdie told me I'm getting better at golf.
p3174
aVCan I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
p3175
aVStress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
p3176
aVI have no taste in women, but beside that fact, I like you.
p3177
aVJust bought a new 4D TV, it comes with integration of heat,cold,wet, wind, and different aromas. It's 6' by 4'. Its called a window.
p3178
aVTried to look up blurry in the dictionary, but it wasn't very clear.
p3179
aVFat is just another word for flavor.
p3180
aVI don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
p3181
aVI'm unstoppable, I just can't seem to get started.
p3182
aVIs waiting for the istore to come up with a dollar menu.
p3183
aVI'm fed up with my boss for forcing me to stand on one leg every single day. Tomorrow I'm putting my foot down.
p3184
aVIt's hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is.
p3185
aVEvery time I see you I think about how much of a waste that 100 million years was.
p3186
aVlLimiting the freedom of news 'just a little bit' is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.
p3187
aVWhat do you say if a shooting range catches on fire?
p3188
aVWhat do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A visitor.
p3189
aV1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ... The 5 stages of buying gasoline.
p3190
aVlI fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.
p3191
aVlAssassins Inc. We aim to please.
p3192
aVI put the toilet seat down as a gift to my mom.
p3193
aVI'll be a great mother some day.\u000a-Dude on the street
p3194
aVlMy parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods.
p3195
aVFilled up his gas tank for only $48. It was just enough to finish mowing my front lawn:
p3196
aVlDon't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
p3197
aVlI was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.
p3198
aVlSending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).
p3199
aVWhen I go big-game hunting, my weapon of choice is the remote.
p3200
aVIf I was a pig, I'd get a tattoo of a coin slot on my back.
p3201
aVlYou can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.
p3202
aVLOL=lacking of literacy
p3203
aVIf there's one thing I can't comprehend, it's common sense.
p3204
aVTravel tip: don't pack for the weather you want.
p3205
aVI was so poor when I grew up, I bought Popsicle sticks and just pretended like I was having a special treat.
p3206
aVMay the 4th be with you.
p3207
aVI have high standards, but low expectations.
p3208
aVWhat does it mean if someone gives me half a peace sign?
p3209
aVMy toilet is full of it. He's always loaded with crap.
p3210
aVIf Bin laden had a $25 million price tag on his head, I can't help but wonder what kind of turban he was wearing.
p3211
aVOsama's last tweet: "I didn't know Twitter could enable your location, this may be a problem"
p3212
aVIt's May Day, but I don't see any sinking ships.
p3213
aVWanna lose weight? Buy super glue and get rid of that big mouth of yours!
p3214
aVlPeople are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.
p3215
aVlThe funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it.
p3216
aVI only watched the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
p3217
aVSome mistakes are just too much to do only once.
p3218
aVWhat a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.
p3219
aVlGet plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.
p3220
aVThere's a gas pump icon on my car's dash that notifies me whenever my bank account is almost empty.
p3221
aVIf you wanna make someone mad, lie. If you really wanna piss 'em off, tell the truth.
p3222
aVLooking forward to the day when my to-do list becomes my ta-da! list.
p3223
aVI'm apathetic, but I don't care.
p3224
aVDoes the unknown, but I'm not sure, I've never heard it before.
p3225
aVIt takes 26 muscles to smile and 62 muscles to frown, so don't ever say that I don't go out of my way for you.
p3226
aVI have never understood this whole Easter egg thing, Rabbits are mammals, aren't they? Happy Easter!
p3227
aVA good friend is worth pursuing. But why would a good friend be running away from me?
p3228
aVMy son is allergic to peanuts. He breaks out in a rash every time I bring home my paycheck.
p3229
aVYou know your out of shape when you get exhausted trying to get a gym membership.
p3230
aVTo err is human, to forgive is divine. \u000aIn other words, the forgiving is somebody else's job.
p3231
aVlShould vegetarians eat animal crackers?
p3232
aVHow to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.
p3233
aVlSmile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
p3234
aVlJoin the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
p3235
aVI always wonder, "how do they know where I live?" when movie commercials say"coming to a cinema near you".
p3236
aVPlease don't interupt me while im ignoring you.
p3237
aVI am launching a new anti-social network called Get Out Of My Face Book.
p3238
aVlEarth is the insane asylum for the universe
p3239
aVMy dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.
p3240
aV@doctormoose6 you've left?
p3241
aVLife is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.
p3242
aVDo gay people say, "That's so straight?"
p3243
aVI decided to be depressed today, just for fun.
p3244
aVlA paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
p3245
aVThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
p3246
aVRebecca Black's Friday: a heartwarming song about a mentally retarded girl learning her days of the week.
p3247
aVlI'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
p3248
aVlAre you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think we've got a problem.
p3249
aVlThose of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
p3250
aVDating bridge builders will lead to truss issues.
p3251
aVIt takes me three tries to get it right on the first attempt.
p3252
aV\u201cAdvice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.\u201d
p3253
aVWho says Divine people dont have a sense of humor, they made me didn't they?
p3254
aVI once had an Internet girlfriend, but things just didn't click.
p3255
aV"I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it."
p3256
aVIt's been a really bad day for me. Firstly, my girlfriend got run over by a bus.Then, I lost my job at the bus company.
p3257
aVA good politician knows how to explain what is going to happen in the future, and then why it didn't happen.
p3258
aVThe only thing Facebook is good for is saving me money on birthday cards.
p3259
aVUrinals need some anger management, they are always pissed.
p3260
aVIf I was a burglar, I would take a shower after every burglary. I want to be sure to get a clean getaway.
p3261
aVIt's good for a man to have a woman that cleans, cooks, and makes you laugh. It's also good If these women do not know each other.
p3262
aVIf you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
p3263
aVI got in the car with my drug dealer the other day. He drove around slowly for a while, before picking up speed.
p3264
aVIf flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
p3265
aVGoing to church doesn't make you any more Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
p3266
aVI like Deja vus because I know what to do next
p3267
aVThere's a fine line between holding hands and keeping her from shopping.
p3268
aVMinimum wage is for maximum losers.
p3269
aVMy room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.
p3270
aVMy play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
p3271
aVIf any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
p3272
aVMonotheism is a gift from the gods.
p3273
aVOf course I can keep secrets. It\u2019s the people I tell them to that can\u2019t keep them.
p3274
aVThe Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
p3275
aVAn optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!"
p3276
aVAn Irishman is never at peace except when he\u2019s fighting.
p3277
aVI'm a perfectipnist.
p3278
aVWe live in the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.
p3279
aVMoney isnt happiness. Spending it is!
p3280
aVMoney isn't everything. You're credit is, however.
p3281
aVI have an on again off again relationship with clothing.
p3282
aVI\u2019m proud of my humility.
p3283
aVIrony: working for an aluminum company and getting canned.
p3284
aVMy agent told me to give it a couple years, but he'd make me an overnight success.
p3285
aVI once got asked if I knew the difference between ignorance and apathy. I told them I didn't know, and didn't care.
p3286
aVWhy'd I spend all my childhood trying to save peach? She already has a man.
p3287
aVIt's annoying when fat people say obesity "runs" in their family when clearly, nothing does.
p3288
aVWhen we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
p3289
aVThe problem with beauty is that it's like being born rich and getting poorer.
p3290
aVYou can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane.
p3291
aVI've made a product that increases the size of your basement. I hope it'll be a big cellar.
p3292
aVA lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
p3293
aVThe only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
p3294
aVProcrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
p3295
aVI tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn't get it.
p3296
aVRenamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.
p3297
aVOlder people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
p3298
aVMountain climbers are curious types. They always want to take another peak.
p3299
aVMy 'Aha!' moments are other people's 'duh' moments.
p3300
aVWhat do hippies do if the trees hug back?
p3301
aVYou know why they call them potato chips? (hint: omit the "c")
p3302
aVThe lemming oath: "Repeat after me."
p3303
aVAll medicines have one side effect in common: Reduction in disposable income.
p3304
aVI get a headache thinking past 140 characters.
p3305
aVWhy are pilots so great at 'landing' jobs?
p3306
aVI've just started dating a librarian. She's a (book)keeper.
p3307
aVIf you sing while playing Throwing a ball during baseball, will you have a good pitch?
p3308
aVDo you know what's coming back in style? Boomerangs.
p3309
aVI don't really balance my checking account so much as capsize it.
p3310
aVPut a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.
p3311
aVI\u2019m an optimistic pessimist\u2026 I look forward to the worst.
p3312
aVWhy was the cold tap turned on?Because the other tap was so hot!
p3313
aVpirate walks into a bar and barman says" you have a steering wheel In your pants"the pirate said:Argh and it's been driving me nuts all day
p3314
aVIf you're arrested on April Fool's Day, they should give you more than one phone call.
p3315
aVMy grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where she is.
p3316
aVI married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
p3317
aVMy fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
p3318
aVMy math teacher asked me: "Do you understand inequalities?" I replied: "More or less."
p3319
aVMoney won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
p3320
aVIn Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
p3321
aVIf love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
p3322
aVI'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
p3323
aVI like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
p3324
aVWife looks in mirror& says: "I look horrible, fat& ugly. Please say something nice about me." Husband: "Your eyesight is perfect..."
p3325
aVI knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
p3326
aVIt just doesn't seem right to write your autobiography before your dead.
p3327
aVDear microwave, Why are your minutes so much longer than normal ones? Sincerely, super hungry me.
p3328
aVI bet You I can stop gambling.
p3329
aVMy dog is talented, he taught himself to say his own name. Woof.
p3330
aVCalifornia is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
p3331
aVAs a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
p3332
aVIf you're not patient, you'll become one.
p3333
aVThe best housewarming gift is fire.
p3334
aVFor just $10 a month, You can reduce your annual salary by $120.
p3335
aVThe worst job for a procrastinator? Ice sculpting.
p3336
aVToday, I decided to see the good in everyone I meet. And to make sure I could do it, I didn't leave the house.
p3337
aV\u2752Taken \u2752Single \u2714Addicted to Twitter
p3338
aVWhen a pessimist has nothing to worry about, he worries about why he has nothing to worry about.
p3339
aVI keep drinking six-packs, but my abs aren't getting anymore ripped.
p3340
aVI am the most pleasant person you'll ever meet. Until you wake me.
p3341
aVI saw this quote and I thought it was funny, "always remember me."-anonymous
p3342
aVA lesbian is just another woman trying to do a man's job.
p3343
aVWho ever says "words can't hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.
p3344
aVAnger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
p3345
aVI'm not saying she's fat... I'm saying if I had to think of the five fattest people I know shed be three of them.
p3346
aVHopped on the bus this morning, people were looking at me funny, so I decided to get in and sit down.
p3347
aVMy bank balance is sick, I hope it gets better soon!
p3348
aVDaniel keep going, count is only at 40.
p3349
aVUnicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos
p3350
aVIt has been such a long time since I've thought longer than 140 characters.
p3351
aVLearn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.
p3352
aVI exercise constantly. I am always running late.
p3353
aVGuests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
p3354
aVMy parents used to be happy when I took naps..now they think I'm lazy.
p3355
aVIs there rollover Madness that I can use in April?
p3356
aVThere are more men than women in mental hospitals, which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.
p3357
aVWhen someone says. "It tastes like crap." ....how do they know?
p3358
aVThere's a fine line between being a tattle-tale And saving your own butt.
p3359
aVPeople talk about you. If they're not talking about you then you're boring.
p3360
aVIf you fall once, get up. If you fall twice, get up. If you fall for the third time, tie your shoelaces already.
p3361
aVEarly to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
p3362
aVA poor surgeon hurts 1 person at a time. A poor teacher hurts 130.
p3363
aVAmateurs wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work.
p3364
aVVampires can't see themselves in a mirror, so how come their hair is always so perfect?
p3365
aVThe main thing I learned in high school was how to text without being caught.
p3366
aVDream big! Nap often.
p3367
aVPOLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
p3368
aVWe had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
p3369
aVUntil I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
p3370
aVI am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
p3371
aVSome cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
p3372
aVTwo wrongs make a riot.
p3373
aV"Money doesn't buy happiness." That phrase should end in just kidding.
p3374
aVI cannot afford to waste my time making money
p3375
aVThe only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.
p3376
aVIf you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
p3377
aVIf your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
p3378
aVMan invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
p3379
aVI'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
p3380
aVAn egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
p3381
aVMen don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
p3382
aVI\u2019m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I\u2019m not dumb. I also know I\u2019m not blonde - Dolly Parton
p3383
aVA diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman\u2019s birthday but never remembers her age.
p3384
aVMiddle age is when you\u2019ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
p3385
aVI was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
p3386
aV"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."
p3387
aV"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
p3388
aV"I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as heck."
p3389
aV"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
p3390
aV"The average person thinks he isn\u2019t."
p3391
aVI went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went  -  and I got it.
p3392
aVI'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
p3393
aVYou see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
p3394
aVMy mother told me there were some cuties in the fridge. I got all excited, ran to the fridge and opened the door. But all I saw were oranges
p3395
aVFour fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
p3396
aVWhoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
p3397
aVOnly two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.One is to let her think she is having her own way,and the other is to let her have it
p3398
aVThe other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
p3399
aVA priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
p3400
aVI went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
p3401
aVA signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
p3402
aVBefore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. So when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
p3403
aVI wonder if calendar business will go bankrupt in 2012.
p3404
aVA prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
p3405
aVHe's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he's miserable and depressed.
p3406
aVThe surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
p3407
aVEagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
p3408
aVAll my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.
p3409
aVWhat day do penguins hate most? Casual Fridays
p3410
aVThe four most crucial words of mankind: righty-tighty, lefty-loosy
p3411
aVA compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
p3412
aVSay what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
p3413
aVA celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
p3414
aVWe do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.
p3415
aVLaughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.
p3416
aVIrony: The Bible is the best-selling book in the world, with more than 50 copies a minute, but also the most shoplifted book.
p3417
aVSeven days without laughter makes one weak.
p3418
aVLaugh! When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other.
p3419
aVEven if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.
p3420
aVYou laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same
p3421
aVHere's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance.
p3422
aVWhen a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
p3423
aVMy new years resolution is not to procrastinate.....oh, shoot!
p3424
aVMy girlfriend thinks I'm too nosy, well she didn't say it, but I read it in her diary.
p3425
aVMy girlfriend says I'm clueless. I haven't an idea what she is talking about.
p3426
aVInstead of getting married again,\u000aI'm going to find a woman\u000aI don't like and just give her a house.
p3427
aVIf Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw Hamburgers?
p3428
aVWant a girl to fall in love with you? Use a thesaurus for a replacement of those lane words like cute and beautiful . It's working for me!
p3429
aVWhat is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?\u000a\u000aSome traffic signs say stop.
p3430
aVValentines is 3 days away. You still have time to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend before it's too late!
p3431
aVWhen I was born I was so surprised I didn\u2019t talk for a year and a half.
p3432
aVTime and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
p3433
aVBirthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
p3434
aVIt is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
p3435
aVterrorists took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage.\u000aThey threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.
p3436
aVJunk is something you\u2019ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
p3437
aVA lifelong friend is someone you haven\u2019t borrowed money from yet.
p3438
aVEvery guy gets a crush on his teacher. It's normal. But wasn't Oedipus homeschooled?
p3439
aVMarriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
p3440
aVA synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
p3441
aVI generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
p3442
aVI think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.
p3443
aVA diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
p3444
aVThe things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
p3445
aVIf you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
p3446
aVJoin The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
p3447
aVWhy do old men have such bad language? They do "cross" words.
p3448
aVI would rather kill myself than commit suicide.
p3449
aVA blonde is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men die in an accident. She cries and says, "Oh my gosh, how many is a brazilian?"
p3450
aVAnd then J.K. Rowling wrote, "And Harry woke up from his long, long dream"
p3451
aVA blonde walks to her mailbox-nothing. Comes out again-nothing. Neighbor says-Whats wrong? Blonde-My laptop keeps saying,"You've got mail!"
p3452
aVTwo blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying and headed home.
p3453
aVAsian parents: *Your report card comes home* YOU GOT C?! WHY YOU GET C?! YOU NO C-SIAN, YOU NO B-SIAN, YOU A-SIAN!
p3454
aVBleach and latex gloves:$10. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape:$ 20...Chainsaw:$200 The Horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!
p3455
aV"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.\u201d
p3456
aV\u201cThe object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.\u201d
p3457
aV"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything."
p3458
aVWhat do you say if Satan sneezes?
p3459
aVA comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
p3460
aVLatest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
p3461
aVWho said nothing is impossible, i have been here doing nothing for the last hour.
p3462
aVIf the world is a stage, I want to be the one operating the trap door.
p3463
aVlast night i played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts!
p3464
aVBefore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.that way, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
p3465
aVNever take life to seriously... your not getting out of it alive
p3466
aVFor all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. #idontwanttobeold
p3467
aVLast night I layed in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself... Where's the roof gone?
p3468
aVWhoever said nothing was impossible never tryed slamming a revolving door.
p3469
aVA Pessimist is just an Optimist with previous experience.
p3470
aVFact of life: after Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F.
p3471
aVThose who criticise our generation seem to forget who raised it.
p3472
aVChildren in the backseat cause accidents, Accidents in the backseat cause children.
p3473
aVSome Idiots says, "Behind every successful man, there is a woman" But nobody knows the fact "Women go only behind the successful men".
p3474
aVI threw caution into the wind, but the wind was blowing straight back at me.
p3475
aVA gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
p3476
aVI think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
p3477
aVI would love to have a battle of witts with you, but it seems that you have come unarmed.
p3478
aVI don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. ----Katherine Hepburn
p3479
aVMen kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
p3480
aVOptimists think the glass is half full. Pessimists think the glass is half empty. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass.
p3481
aVConfidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.
p3482
aVI don't think I could stab anyone. I can barely put my straw through my Capri-Sun.
p3483
aVMan has his will, but woman has her way.
p3484
aVI\u2019d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
p3485
aVIf you break your legs, don't come running to me.
p3486
aVClick the 'Start' button to Shut Down the computer.
p3487
aVIt isn't an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
p3488
aVJust bought a 12-ounce pound cake. How does That work?!
p3489
aVYou'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.\u000aDolly Parton
p3490
aVWhy is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
p3491
aVWhy do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
p3492
aVWhy do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don't have any?
p3493
aVWhy are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
p3494
aVWhat do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?
p3495
aVWhat do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
p3496
aVIs it OK to use my AM radio after noon?
p3497
aVIf the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
p3498
aVDo they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
p3499
aVFailure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try.
p3500
aVStupidity's cause hasn't been advanced much by its many martyrs
p3501
aVMake love not war - or marry and do both.
p3502
aVThe probability of someone watching you is directly related to the stupidity of your actions.
p3503
aVPrepositions are not words to end sentences with.
p3504
aVHalf of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
p3505
aVThe statement below is true. The statement above is false.
p3506
aVThe best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
p3507
aVDid you hear that Johnny's left side was chopped off? It turned out that he was "alright!"
p3508
aVIt is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. --
p3509
aVI'm proud of my humility.
p3510
aVI hate cliches because "They're a dime a dozen".
p3511
aVBad becomes good when worse happens.
p3512
aVA woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. 'Just lost a shoe?' she asked. He answered, 'Nope, just found one'.
p3513
aVI am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.
p3514
aVIf it's a Classified Ad, Why is it publicly published?
p3515
aVI am busy doing nothing.
p3516
aV\u200eIf you want to get something done, give it to a busy man.
p3517
aVMartin Luther King Day: A day for all us white people to be embarrassed by our ancestors.
p3518
aVNot only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
p3519
aVLife is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?
p3520
aVReality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
p3521
aVI have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
p3522
aVGrammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
p3523
aVI am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
p3524
aVI always wanted to be a procrastinator! But I've never actually gotten around to doing it.
p3525
aVExaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
p3526
aVAvoid alliteration...always.
p3527
aVI'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
p3528
aVEvil isn't all bad.
p3529
aVPerspective is in the eye of the beholder.
p3530
aVWhat is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
p3531
aVIs super para...gah! What was that??
p3532
aVThe world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
p3533
aVWhat did the fly order at the restaurant? A number 2.
p3534
aVIf there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
p3535
aVThere's no such thing as nonexistence.
p3536
aVI am making it my job to put the "fun" back into "funeral."
p3537
aVCome to Myspace and Twitter my Yahoo \u000aTil' I Google all over your Facebook.
p3538
aVQ: What do you do when an Antartian throws a pin at you?\u000aA: Run, because the grenade is in her mouth!!
p3539
aV\u201cIs your new horse well-behaved Charles?\u201d\u000a\u201cOh, yes Phil. When we come to a fence, he stops and lets me go over first.\u201d
p3540
aV\u201cHave you got any kittens going cheap?\u201d Asked a customer in a pet shop.\u000a\u201cNo, sir,\u201d replied the owner. \u201cAll our kittens go \u201cMeow.
p3541
aVDid you hear about the two radio antennas that got married? \u000aThe wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!
p3542
aVWhy was the student's report card wet?\u000aBecause his grades were below C-Level.
p3543
aVIf you can\u2019t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.
p3544
aVWhat did the necktie say to the hat?\u000aYou go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
p3545
aVWhat has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?\u000aA piano.
p3546
aVWhat can you hold without ever touching it?\u000aA conversation.
p3547
aVHow can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.
p3548
aVThe kids next Door have challenged me to a water fight. I'm updating twitter while I wait for the kettle to boil.
p3549
aVgrandpa always said,"Don't watch money; watch your health. So one day when I was watching my health, someone took my money.It was my grandpa
p3550
aVMother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" \u000aGirl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
p3551
aVA: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. \u000aB: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
p3552
aVTeacher: Did you father help your with your homework? \u000aStudent: No, he did it all by himself.
p3553
aVDid you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? \u000a"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
p3554
aVPeople make a resolution to lose weight.  I make a resolution to not take photos of myself. Problem solved.
p3555
aVMarriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
p3556
aVIt's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
p3557
aVWhen I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
p3558
aVI tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
p3559
aVWhat is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women
p3560
aVI think that to counteract shoplifting, stores have rigged their scanners to automatically mark up the price that was on the shelf.
p3561
aVDo you know what my favorite machine to work in the Gym is? The vending machine.
p3562
aVThe best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
p3563
aVIf you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
p3564
aVThe paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
p3565
aVFrustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
p3566
aVI stink. I haven't showered since last year. #happynewyears
p3567
aVSnow blows. That's why they invented something to literalize that.
p3568
aVMy parents told me they didn't have children. Are you as confused as I am?
p3569
aVLaugh at yourself. You'll never cease to be amused.
p3570
aVNever throw dirt when you're at war; you'll lose your ground.
p3571
aVIf you die in an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.
p3572
aVGive a man a fire, and he is warm for the rest of the day. Set a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.
p3573
aVTake my advice; I don't use it anyway.
p3574
aVMy friend came and asked me why I had two quarters in my ear. I said," I'm listening to 50 cent"
p3575
aVI am going to see if money really is happiness. I am now taking donations.
p3576
aVWar determines who is left, not who is right.
p3577
aVWhat is a Woman's favorite book? A checkbook.
p3578
aVWhat are two things you can never have for Breakfast? Lunch and Dinner.
p3579
aVWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than letting him keep her.
p3580
aVWhy do rooms filled with married people always seem so empty? Because there's not a single person in there. #marriage
p3581
aVWhat do short people like to drive? A mini-van #joke
p3582
aVWhy do barbers become good drivers? They know all the short cuts.
p3583
aVThings to do in an elevator: alone with another person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you
p3584
aVI've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
p3585
aVI wasn't stealing, officer, in just wasn't shopping traditionally.
p3586
aVRAP: Retards Attempting Poetry
p3587
aVPolice arrested two kids yesterday,one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
p3588
aVThe funniest joke in the world isn't recorded. Every time someones tries to write it down, they die of laughter.
p3589
aVGuilt: a blanket of your own regrets.
p3590
aVDear kids, those presents were not from Santa, they were from your parents. Sorry to disappoint.
p3591
aVHallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
p3592
aVBest pickup line ever:\u000aDoes this rag smell like chloroform to you?
p3593
aV62	\u000aHospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.\u000a19522523571
p3594
aVGrandma opens a present with a pair of earrings and grandpa leans over and says,"what are those, fish hooks?"
p3595
aVI am afraid of Santa-- I must be claustrophobic
p3596
aVWe never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
p3597
aVSo what happens if Big bird gets bankrupt and has a foreclosure? I mean.. He already lives on the street..
p3598
aVQ: how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\u000aA: wanna go ride a bikes???
p3599
aVMy grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don\u2019t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
p3600
aVI would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.
p3601
aVI have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
p3602
aVI went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
p3603
aVI bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...
p3604
aVI was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"
p3605
aVanimal behavior can warn you when something is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our  dog took the car and drove off
p3606
aVChina has a population of a billion people. That means if you\u2019re a one in a million, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
p3607
aVA guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
p3608
aVKnock! Knock!\u000aWho's there?\u000aAch.\u000aAch who?\u000aBless you.
p3609
aVKnock! Knock! \u000aWho's there?\u000aRobin.\u000aRobin Who?\u000aRobin you so hand it over.
p3610
aVQuitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
p3611
aVIn my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
p3612
aVIncome tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
p3613
aVI'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
p3614
aVI'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
p3615
aVI don't believe in the afterlife, but I Brang a pair of clothes, just in case.
p3616
aVI don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party when I see one.
p3617
aVGood judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
p3618
aVDon't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
p3619
aVDon't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. #itstrueladies
p3620
aVCommunism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
p3621
aVAnything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
p3622
aVA banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
p3623
aVThank goodness for electricity. Without it, we'd all be watching tv by candlelight.
p3624
aVSanta has the right idea.. Visit people once a year.
p3625
aVYoung men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.
p3626
aVMore money is not more happiness. Cause I was just as happy at 40 million as I am now with 42 million
p3627
aVNever go to a doctors whose office plants have died.
p3628
aVWomen are meant to be loved, not understood.
p3629
aVIf you are going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it the way it is.
p3630
aVI slept in the kitchen last night. Why? Because I wanted breakfast in bed.
p3631
aVIf needing some personal room, join NASA, they'll give you plenty of space.
p3632
aVI may walk slowly, but unlike you, I never walk back.
p3633
aVI didnt lose, I just ran out of time to win.
p3634
aVDrive carefully. 90% of people are accidents.
p3635
aVDepression: Anger without enthusiasm
p3636
aVI'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
p3637
aVI hung a foot with bullet shells on the extremities on my doorway.  I called it "missile-toe"
p3638
aVThe secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
p3639
aVSometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
p3640
aVYou know what is a "diet" is, don't you? It's "die" with a "t," that's what it is! -
p3641
aVProcrastination is like a credit card; it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
p3642
aVA black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
p3643
aVWhen a man gives his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
p3644
aVWhy don't atheists ever become mathematicians? They don't believe in higher powers.
p3645
aVI think...therefore, I'm single.
p3646
aVI don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who's mad at me for saying that.
p3647
aVBehind every successful man, there's a surprised woman.
p3648
aVI'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
p3649
aV9 in 10 people love chocolate. And the 10th person is a liar.
p3650
aVAn apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.
p3651
aVGirls fall for me, because I trip them.
p3652
aVMy mind is like lightning. Once I have an idea, it's brilliant, extraordinary, and lasts a fraction of a second.
p3653
aVDigging a girl.. With a shovel.
p3654
aVMy friend said I spent too much time in the fantasy world. His words blew me off my dragon.
p3655
aVIt is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.
p3656
aVMy reality check bounced.
p3657
aVThereS only one problem with my mid life crisis. I'm 16.
p3658
aVThe only reason why the postal service is still around is letters to Santa.
p3659
aVI have a pet peeve about hearing other's pet peeves.
p3660
aVGirl: If you were my husband I would poison your coffee.\u000aBoy: If you were my wife I\u2019d drink it.
p3661
aVWho needs rhetorical questions?
p3662
aVI did not fall flat on my face. I was testing gravity, and just so you know, it still works.
p3663
aVDo you want to know how to make an idiot wait? I will tell you later.
p3664
aVYour intelligence is my common sense.
p3665
aVClones are people two.
p3666
aVAtheism is a non-prophet organization.
p3667
aVLOL has gone from laugh out loud to there's nothing left to say.
p3668
aVjust tweeted that your a twit.
p3669
aVI think men would be extinct if women didn't have chocolate available.
p3670
aVWhy don't autobiographies ever end in someone writing a book?
p3671
aVI want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
p3672
aVAmong men, length of marriage correlates positively with hair loss.
p3673
aVSomeone who eats their own food is a good cook, someone who laughs at their own jokes, is not funny.
p3674
aVKnowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
p3675
aVI've been in love with the same woman for years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
p3676
aVIf someone's addicted to rehab, then what?
p3677
aVYeah, you can't judge a book by it's cover. But if the cover isn't appealing, I ain't reading it.
p3678
aVMy 9-year-old sister just got a bank account. That just mean wr are out of the recession..right?
p3679
aVAre comedians funny or did they just never grow up?
p3680
aVThe car mechanic handed the bill to the man and said," think of it this way, you came in with a junky car and came out with an expensive one
p3681
aVChilean miners considered how funny it would be if they all died as soon as they finished the rescue tunnel
p3682
aVCollege is just high school with more expensive books.
p3683
aVGood girls Arent good. They just haven't gone bad yet.
p3684
aVGuy 1: look what I found? A needle in a haystack.\u000aGuy 2: I can beat that, I found a job.\u000aGuy 1: oooh, you win.
p3685
aVI love the looks people give me when I garden with no hoes.. Oh I mean shoes
p3686
aVScariest part of Halloween? Giving away all your candy.
p3687
aVWife to husband: " our neighbor is wondering if he could borrow his mower"
p3688
aVTo do:cancel fishing trip, practice putting toilet seat down, teach wife how to check browser history------in your dreams, ladies.
p3689
aVHelp wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.
p3690
aVWhy do people want dollars to grow on trees? They're made from trees people.
p3691
aVIs there such thing as a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
p3692
aVLaughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
p3693
aVIf you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
p3694
aVIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
p3695
aVTwo men walk into a bar... You would have thought the second one would have ducked....
p3696
aVWhy are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them.
p3697
aVI thought I wanted a career, turns out, I just wanted a paycheck.
p3698
aVIf I throw a stick, will you leave?
p3699
aVAtheism is a nonprophet organization.
p3700
aVBy the time you finally understand grown-ups, you are one. Dennis the Menace
p3701
aVIs It wrong for a guy like me to have silk sheets? They're nice..
p3702
aVPeople say laughter is the best medicine, so instead of\u000aGetting a flu shot, you can just look at my bank balance.
p3703
aVWill all those who believe in pyschokinesis please raise my hand?
p3704
aVMy mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a b
p3705
aVThe worst part of censorship is ***********
p3706
aVdon't judge a book by its movie.
p3707
aVFriends come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
p3708
aVThe hardest thing about business is keeping your own.
p3709
aVSomething impossible is just something that no one has done yet.
p3710
aVthere are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.
p3711
aVWinter's coming, time to take off the stained satin sheets.
p3712
aVVideo games ruined my life. Luckily, I have two more.
p3713
aVwhen life gives you lemons,\u000amake grape juice,\u000athen sit back,\u000aand let the world wonder how you did it.
p3714
aVWhen I feel like life is going too fast, I go to the DMV.
p3715
aVIs it better to cheat, or repeat? #school
p3716
aV\u000aDon\u2019t knock on death\u2019s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.
p3717
aVShe ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
p3718
aVWe always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
p3719
aVSomeone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
p3720
aVI had a guy message me saying, " you, are stunning" I replied, "yes, and straight too."
p3721
aVI want to kill the hottest person alive, but suicide is a crime.
p3722
aV1f u c4n r34d 7h15, u r34lly n33d 2 g37 4 l1f3.
p3723
aVI just gave a girl my number in roman numerals. If she can figure it out, she's worth a shot.
p3724
aVDon't steal, the government doesn't want any competition.
p3725
aVFacebook is like jail. You sit around and waste your time, you write on walls, and poke people you don't know.
p3726
aV2 guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
p3727
aVDid you hear about the romance between the two blood vessels?\u000aThey loved in vein....
p3728
aVIs it weird my favorite part of a girl is her frontal thigh?
p3729
aVA: Why are you crying? \u000aB: The elephant is dead. \u000aA: Was he your pet? \u000aB: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
p3730
aVWhas that? Oh, it's the stank basket.
p3731
aVPUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn\u2019t do?" \u000aTEACHER:" Of course not." \u000aPUPIL: "Good, because I haven\u2019t done my homework."
p3732
aVMarriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
p3733
aVGirls have tea time, guys have tee time.
p3734
aVPuts the "oopid" in "stupid"
p3735
aVEverybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
p3736
aVEver have a fly land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to hit it with the cursor?
p3737
aVWhy are wrong numbers never busy?
p3738
aVLittle Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? \u000aTeacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? \u000aLittle Johnny: But I asked first!
p3739
aVDid Noah include termites on the ark?
p3740
aVA man complimented me on my driving today, there was a note on my windshield that said "parking fine"
p3741
aVWhy do they leave out the letter B on "Garage Sale" Signs?
p3742
aVA politician is one who shakes your hand before election, and shakes your confidence after.
p3743
aVGod wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
p3744
aVThe computer beat me at chess, but I can sure as heck beat it at kickboxing.
p3745
aVIf big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
p3746
aVMy two Mexican buddies were playing basketball with each other. I called it a Juan on Juan tournament.
p3747
aVWhat do you call a sheep with no legs?\u000aA cloud
p3748
aVWhat's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?\u000aEveryone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
p3749
aVOf course men can multitask, we read on the toilet.
p3750
aVBosses are like slinkies. Never fun unless you seem them fall down the stairs.
p3751
aVIt has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
p3752
aVI don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
p3753
aVTwo wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
p3754
aVYou were born as an original, don't die as a copy!
p3755
aVWinter is now here. And Have I changed the stained silk sheets? No, but they've gotten worse.
p3756
aVA guy said, "I see the light at the end of the tunnel". I then told him, "yeah, it's a train". ------*smack*
p3757
aVWrapping presents is easy you get your paper scissors/tape. Then you get a pitiful, helpless look on your faceand someone will do it for you
p3758
aVI was going to sue a neurosurgeon, but then he changed my mind.
p3759
aVI have a photographic memory, it's just out of film.
p3760
aVI hope the guy who wants to make that million dollars so freaking bad makes $999,999.99 then gets hit by a bus. Via@amazingoneliner
p3761
aVInstead of a hammock, it should be called the nap-sack
p3762
aVThe difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
p3763
aVBorrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
p3764
aVI put my left earphone in and said.. This doesn't feel right.
p3765
aVWhat do you do if a blonde throws you a grenade? Pull the pin and throw it back.
p3766
aVOnly one thing keeps me from sticking to a diet. Food.
p3767
aVI'm beginning to think that if opportunity ever does knock, it'll be because it has to use my bathroom.
p3768
aVMy girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.
p3769
aVNo wonder newborn babies cry. They've got nothing to eat, no clothes and they already owe the government money.
p3770
aVWithout ME, it's just AWESO.
p3771
aVIt was only 7 days ago, but it felt just like last week.
p3772
aVLook people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.
p3773
aVI told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed. She said go sleep in the kitchen.
p3774
aVGreat minds don't think alike, great minds just think.
p3775
aVI'm not bald, my forehead just extends to the back of my neck.
p3776
aVThe up-side to procrastination is you always have something to do tomorrow.
p3777
aVJust because your a parent, doesn't mean you have to be lame.
p3778
aVWhose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
p3779
aVProcrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.
p3780
aVLife is like a Lambourghini. It goes too fast and it costs too much.
p3781
aVAnswering Machine: "Hi! I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you."
p3782
aVI slept like a baby last night.... Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
p3783
aVI've always wondered If someone has actually LMAO'd.
p3784
aVTo steal from one is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
p3785
aVSlim: the line between genius and insane.
p3786
aVI consider "On Time" to be when I get there.
p3787
aVIf it's till death do us part, we are all single in heaven right?
p3788
aVLight travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
p3789
aVWhat's another word for thesaurus?
p3790
aVDo you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
p3791
aVDuring a lecture on India, the teacher said a woman gives birth every 10 seconds in the country. A kid stood up and said, we gotta stop her!
p3792
aVCooking is as easy as cake.
p3793
aVCrime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
p3794
aVI couldn't repair your breaks, so I made your horn louder.
p3795
aVIt all makes sense. If pro is opposite of con, then the opposite of progress..
p3796
aVWriting is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is.
p3797
aVWedding rings are too much like little handcuffs.
p3798
aVI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
p3799
aVI don't skinny dip, I phanny float!
p3800
aVI will start watching it when it's called "dancing off a cliff"
p3801
aVMy boss thinks of me as a verb.
p3802
aVThose stairs move so fast! They slipped right out from under me.
p3803
aVA 40-year-old man called me swell. What the heck do I do now?
p3804
aVYour tongue weighs practically nothing. So why can't you hold it?
p3805
aVHas Tiny biceps, but they are getting fatter in the middle.
p3806
aVOdd? I'm completely whacked.
p3807
aVMy friend tells me I am too lazy to think for myself. What's he mean?
p3808
aVEven if there is nothing to say, that hasn't stopped some people.
p3809
aVHoney, would you like a snack? "No" Then would you make me one?
p3810
aVIf you want flattery girls, I'm your man. I have a steam roller ready to use.
p3811
aVIf all else fails, lower your standards.
p3812
aVYou're not living longer, you're just dying slower!
p3813
aVBumper Sticker: Keep honking, I'm reloading.
p3814
aVI ran out of sick days, so now I call in dead.
p3815
aVI don't use toilet paper. I use hindkerchifs.
p3816
aVI knew I was going bald when it kept taking me longer and longer to wash my face.
p3817
aVA dictionary is the only place where eighth comes before first.
p3818
aVMoney does grow on trees! Banks have branches don't they?
p3819
aVWith Harry Potter, Oprah, and letterman all done, I guess the world is really ending.
p3820
aVThat Ke$ha song, Blah Blah Blah, the Chase she was talking about, yeah. It's me.
p3821
aVWe no longer live in the real world. We live in the reel world.
p3822
aVOf course it's in the last place you look. You're not gonna keep looking after that..right?
p3823
aVWhy are all blonde jokes one-liners? So men can understand them.
p3824
aVWhen i grow older, I want to be a couple with my wife.. Not a couple of parents.
p3825
aVWhile driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
p3826
aVWife: germs last on paper money for up to 27 days! Husband: *opens empty wallet* don't worry, we're safe.
p3827
aVTsk..a slinky riding the escalator. I swear, laziness has taken over this country!
p3828
aVAs Mr Peanut left his house, he said to his wife, "see you, I'll be back in a Jif"
p3829
aVI dropped 30 lbs over the summer. "oh yeah? And what happened to your foot?" that's where I dropped the 30 lb sandbag.
p3830
aVI like putting notes on peoples windshields saying I smashes their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
p3831
aVFacebook Movie showtimes: 4:00 6:00 8:00 10:00.  Twitter Showtimes: 4:00 4:02 4:06 4:08
p3832
aVHumpty Dumpty's last words. " man I had a good summer. I just hope I have a great fall!"
p3833
aVThe only time you would ever would want to wear a vegetable costume is in a gladiator stadium full of carnivores
p3834
aVMarriage is grand, but divorce is 50 grand.
p3835
aVIndebted: when you use your visa to pay off your MasterCard.
p3836
aVShould Jack be considered a number?
p3837
aVBig TV dinners=big TVs
p3838
aVMy friends' kids' names began from a-z. after they had George, they named their next girl Zack. I don't think they wanted anymore kids.
p3839
aVWhat do you say to God when he sneezes?
p3840
aVWhen I was born, the doctor came  to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled thru
p3841
aVI was an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
p3842
aVA girl called me, she told me to come over because no one was home. Sure enough, no one was there.
p3843
aVIf winning isn't everything, why do we keep score?
p3844
aVIf God meant for us to be naked, he would have fit our skin better on.
p3845
aVI don't consider myself bald. I consider myself taller than my hair.
p3846
aVWhat did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.
p3847
aVWhy do people have hot water heaters? If the waters hot, why heat it?
p3848
aVIf you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
p3849
aVI hope baby oil doesn't come from where it says it does..
p3850
aVWhat happens if a book on how to fail, sells? Is it now a success?
p3851
aVIf you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore.
p3852
aVNeed experience for job. Need job for experience.
p3853
aVWhat did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.
p3854
aVMy friend dropped his box of Italian pastries on the floor. I cannoli imagine what he must be going through.
p3855
aVThe common misconception that polar bears live in Antarctica is crazy, that place is unbearable.
p3856
aVA pirate who wants to stay healthy takes Vitamin "Sea".
p3857
aVHow much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
p3858
aVHaving sex in elevators is wrong on so many levels.
p3859
aVI can't stand math teachers. They've got too many problems.
p3860
aVMy girlfriend changed after she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
p3861
aV"They told me to play safe, so I played with one" - Thief
p3862
aVIf 'being obnoxious' was an Olympic event you'd win every time!
p3863
aV"Nothing is really lost until your mom can't find it."
p3864
aVSleep + social life = bad grades. Good grades + sleep = no social life. Good grades + social life = no sleep.
p3865
aVOnce upon a time I accidentialy smashed my face in the keyboard and wrote the 5th Twighlight book.
p3866
aVChuck Norris doesn't flush his toilet. He just scares the shit out of it!
p3867
aVSaw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.
p3868
aVI found the key to success. Now, I just need to find the lock.
p3869
aVA wise man once said nothing.
p3870
aVMy fan has three speeds: useless, useless and wind tunnel.
p3871
aVYou should check out this really expensive chair I just bought. It's in Section 6, row 20 at the stadium.
p3872
aVThe five stages of Monday: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine.
p3873
aVSophisticated listening devices are nothing new. Where I live, we call them 'neighbors'.
p3874
aVPeople say 60 is the new 40...the cop that pulled me over this morning disagreed.
p3875
aVWhen Aryabhatta checked my exam papers, he invented zero.
p3876
aVAccording to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
p3877
aVMath: Only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
p3878
aVI used to think that getting dumped is the worst feeling in the world until last night when a 5 GB download failed at 99%.
p3879
aVMy girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences... She failed to worship me
p3880
aVMy neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen.
p3881
aVWomen drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.
p3882
aVA burp is just a fart that took the elevator.
p3883
aVThe first rule for those with a bad memory: 1)
p3884
aVThe letter 'q' needs to get a real job.
p3885
aVThe closest to perfection most people ever get is when they're filling out a job application.
p3886
aVCAUTION: Reading the entire medication warning may cause drowsi....
p3887
aVFalling in love is like riding a bike. There's always a chance you might get run over.
p3888
aVTomorrow: A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.
p3889
aVYou should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."
p3890
aVThe way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
p3891
aVSomeone tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.
p3892
aVI wish some conversations came with a fast-forward button.
p3893
aVMy apathy is at an all time whatever.
p3894
aVHey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing.
p3895
aVI was the first person to injure themselves during The Safety Dance.
p3896
aVI wish I could remember that joke I heard about Alzheimer's.
p3897
aVJust saw a politician trying to save both faces.
p3898
aVWow what a rush, I was just recognized in public! I didn't think that wanted poster was still in circulation.
p3899
aVIf anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
p3900
aVThis day is pregnant with possibilities, but I just found out they're not mine.
p3901
aVVery few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
p3902
aVWARNING: If you do it right the first time, they'll ask you to do it again.
p3903
aVSocks have the highest divorce rate.
p3904
aVWife and daughter are out of town, which means I'm the man of the house now.
p3905
aVLet's grow old together. You go first.
p3906
aVI live life in the fast lane ... with a stream of cars behind me, horns blaring.
p3907
aVA fool and his money are never around when you need them.
p3908
aVMen look at a woman's behind and go "Oh! What an ass!" Women look at a man's face and go "Oh! What an ass!"
p3909
aVThey shouldn't call it "office politics", if you can't really vote out the bosses.
p3910
aVYou can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.
p3911
aVI have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.
p3912
aVI really need to stop talking to my cat. Right meow.
p3913
aVI have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
p3914
aVTwitter has saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.
p3915
aVLet's all get drunk and correct each other's grammar.
p3916
aVThat awkward moment when someone you hate thinks your opinion is valid.
p3917
aVTitanic 3D is out. You guys think they'll see the iceberg this time?
p3918
aVThe "National Tell A Lie Day" was just another day for every politician.
p3919
aVThe most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
p3920
aVGalaxy Note jokes are the new "Yo Mamma So Fat" jokes.
p3921
aVMen think about sex every sex words. I mean six words.
p3922
aVThe three fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Twitter and tell-a woman.
p3923
aVWhat is the similarity between Bill Gates & me? Don't know? \u000aHe never comes to my house & I never go to his house EGO PROBLEMS YOU KNOW.
p3924
aVPretending to write when the teacher starts calling on random people.
p3925
aVImmature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
p3926
aVA bikini is an outfit where 90% of a women's body is exposed and men are decent enough to stare at the 10% that is covered.
p3927
aVI changed my car horn sound to gunshots, people move out of the way much faster now.
p3928
aVWhen I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone like a Giraffe, just to confuse future archaeologists.
p3929
aVNo one makes a bigger deal about driving to work than firetrucks.
p3930
aVIf you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
p3931
aVI'm really tired from all of this metamorphosizing from a single cell.
p3932
aVI don't know why the boss calls it a week's wages when it only lasts for a day.
p3933
aVEvery once in a while, it's important to show my kids who's boss. (I do this by pointing to my wife.)
p3934
aVCan you sue a Chinese restaurant for damages incurred as a result of bad fortune cookie advice?
p3935
aVSomewhere, a smart Laser eye surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
p3936
aV"What's the definition of anxiety?" \u000a"The half of the time when you're worried about the other half of the time."
p3937
aVLife is full of disappointments and I'm full of life.
p3938
aVHealth insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a Turtle.
p3939
aVI used to own a party balloon company but I couldn't keep up with the high cost of inflation.
p3940
aVI don't understand how crows can fly so straight when there's so many crow bars around.
p3941
aVA bear hug isn't truly a bear hug unless it's administered by a real bear.
p3942
aVHundreds of kids are shipped off to "Mime Boarding School" every year, never to be heard from again.
p3943
aVI like to lead by bad example.
p3944
aVYou haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."
p3945
aVIt doesn\u2019t matter what it is. If it glows in the dark, It's automatically cool.
p3946
aVAfter reading this you will notice that the the brain doesn't notice the second "the".
p3947
aVThe speed I drive my car is related to the type of music I'm listening to.
p3948
aVThe tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell their body parts for money.
p3949
aVI don't have bad handwriting. I have my own font.
p3950
aVWhoever said that I can't cook obviously hasn't tasted my cereal.
p3951
aVI don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullsh*t.
p3952
aVI MUSTACHE you a question, but I'll SHAVE it for later.
p3953
aVGrammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
p3954
aVKiss me if I'm wrong. But dinosaurs still exist right?
p3955
aVCommitting suicide is a 6 step process. \u000aStep 1: Find the edge of a cliff....\u000a....now take 5 more steps.
p3956
aVCashiers are always checking me out.
p3957
aV"You're like a coin." ... \u000a"Awwww, valuable?" ... \u000a"Nope, two faced"
p3958
aVI asked my girl what she wanted for Christmas this year, and she said "Surprise me"... So I phoned her from Hawaii.
p3959
aVI was pulled over by the police... "Have we been drinking sir" "No" I replied. "I don't remember you buying me a pint"
p3960
aVRoses are dead, Violets are dead, I'm shit at gardening.
p3961
aVTruth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it isn't going away.
p3962
aVI always try not to judge people. Which is probably why I lost my job as a judge!
p3963
aVI used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
p3964
aVOfficer to drunk boy : "How high are you?" Drunk Boy: No officer, its "Hi! How are you?"
p3965
aVWhat do cows do for entertainment?\u000aThey rent "moovies".
p3966
aVAfter (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!
p3967
aVYesterday I sent out a text saying, "Hey I lost my phone, will you call it?" 10 people called me. I need smarter friends.
p3968
aVWhen you really want to slap someone, do it and say "Mosquito!!"
p3969
aVMy Dad was behind bars for twenty years. Heck of a bartender he was.
p3970
aVI looked at your trophy wife. I see you didn't win first place.
p3971
aVMy imaginary friends are real. They just happen to be friends with other people except me.
p3972
aVI'm having a bit of car trouble...mainly because I can't afford to put gas in it.
p3973
aVLost an hour. Bet it's somewhere with my keys.
p3974
aVI always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
p3975
aVI got slapped at work today. I only asked if she spits or swallows. It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters
p3976
aVYou're everything I never wanted.
p3977
aVSometimes pain is just nature's way of telling you that you're the nail instead of the hammer.
p3978
aVMy Sony receiver just told me to standby as it was turning off. Next thing you know it'll want me to hug it.
p3979
aVMy boss has a heart of gold. Or whatever metal they're using these days to make robot hearts.
p3980
aVA paper cut is a tree's last revenge.
p3981
aVIf 14th March was truly a Pi Day, then it would never end.
p3982
aVSometimes, I wish I could hit the snooze button on coworkers.
p3983
aVIt's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.
p3984
aVMost mathematicians don't realize, there's an easy way to round Pi. Just add an "e".
p3985
aVFor all the things done in its name, Love should complain more about identity theft.
p3986
aVRobots are never anxious because they have nerves of steel.
p3987
aVYou never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
p3988
aVKarma is only a bitch if you are.
p3989
aVI can't put into words how much I love my wife. I'm illiterate!
p3990
aVBeing sick can really affect your grades in school. The kid my son cheats off of was out all last week.
p3991
aVI had three dates today. They were incredible. Three more tomorrow. Thing is, I have to finish this box of dates before it expires.
p3992
aVI tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive but its hair look amazing!
p3993
aVMy new house has a circular driveway. I can't get out.
p3994
aVPlace a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
p3995
aVI got the chips for my Super Bowl party. The dips should be arriving any minute.
p3996
aVChildhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
p3997
aVMy calculator is missing the minus button but, on the plus side, it still works.
p3998
aVA criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
p3999
aVI just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.
p4000
aVMy body is a temple. That is, it feels and looks like something that was destroyed by the Romans some 2500 years ago.
p4001
aVIf I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
p4002
aVIf your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
p4003
aVOnce in a while I take the blame when the dog farts, just to pay him back.
p4004
aVWanted to be a farmer at one time, but it turned out to be the wrong field for me.
p4005
aVKnow what the two pessimists did when they first met? They shook their heads.
p4006
aVI did not fight my way up the food chain to be a vegetarian.p162
p4007
aVI have a phone interview tomorrow. What are some good questions to ask a phone?
p4008
aVI'd put more jokes about sex on here but I don't know much about it. I'm a married man.
p4009
aVBeer doesn't make you FAT, it makes you LEAN....Against walls, tables, chairs, floors, and ugly people.
p4010
aVWhile driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.
p4011
aVThe boss says they passed over a lot of good people before they hired me.
p4012
aVDoctor: "The best thing you can do is give up drinking and smoking and eat healthy foods." \u000aPatient: "What's the second best thing?"
p4013
aVGeorge Washington could not tell a lie, and thus would be an abject failure in politics today.
p4014
aVMy ex-wife believed marriage should be between a man, a woman, her mother, her sisters, & the neighbors across the street.
p4015
aVPeople from the east and west coasts call this part of the country "the heartland" so they can bypass it.
p4016
aVThey say 5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions.
p4017
aVWe will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
p4018
aV"Doctor! Doctor! I snore so loudly, I wake myself up at night."\u000a"Have you tried sleeping in another room?"
p4019
aVMy wife has a contract to give lectures. It's called a marriage license.
p4020
aVToday I told my mom I broke into a homeless man house. She grounded me.p176
p4021
aVChanged my computer password to "silence". Apparently the wife doesn't know that word.
p4022
aVGot a new job working at the police station sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
p4023
aVMath may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. But it gives us every reason to hope that "every problem has a solution".
p4024
aVI just read an article about the wages of alcoholism. So wait... you can get paid for that?
p4025
aVIf loving you is wrong, I've probably loved you.
p4026
aV10 things you will never know about me: \u000a1-
p4027
aVEvery new McDonald's creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons!
p4028
aVPizza is like sex, when it is good it's VERY GOOD, when it's bad...it's still pretty good.
p4029
aVLaziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
p4030
aVI'm for politicians doing two terms. One in office and one in jail.
p4031
aVPopcorn is probably my favorite food that explodes before you eat it.
p4032
aVThe main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
p4033
aVThe tongue weighs practically nothing, but only a few people can hold it.
p4034
aVA pessimist counting his blessings, "10...9...8...7...6...5..."
p4035
aVRemember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you. Push and Pull.
p4036
aVThe only thing longer than my honey-do list is my honey-don't list.
p4037
aVTip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
p4038
aVI start everyday with a sit up. I've done nearly 10,000 so far.
p4039
aVIf adult diapers are called 'Depends', then baby diapers should be called 'Definitely'.
p4040
aVIf you want my opinion you'll have to ask my wife for it.
p4041
aVYesterday was International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held on the day before yesterday but they took too long to get ready
p4042
aVFable: a story told by a teenager arriving home three hours after curfew.
p4043
aVI always cry at the same spot in the movies. Right at the ticket window.
p4044
aVAt the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." \u000aCashier: "OK, with whom?" \u000aMe: "Whoever has lots of money."
p4045
aVYou never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
p4046
aVFirst rule of gun safety: Don't piss me off.
p4047
aVBefore you wed that lawyer, remember you're about to marry someone who's been professionally trained to argue.
p4048
aVHow do you know an Asian broke into your home? Your dog has been eaten, math homework's done, and he's still trying to leave your driveway.
p4049
aVWhat are the pros and cons of wearing two watches? On one hand, you have a watch, but on the other hand, you have a watch.
p4050
aVI had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night. The loud beeping was giving me a headache and made me feel dizzy
p4051
aV9 out of 10 doctors recommended for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
p4052
aVGirlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."\u000aMe: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
p4053
aVMy Dad got a new pair of pants. When I asked him how they fit, he said, "like a cheap castle". When I looked confused he said, "no ballroom"
p4054
aVThe other day a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.
p4055
aVI beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock.
p4056
aVA local movie theater was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise. The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.
p4057
aVWhat did one butt cheek say to the other? If we stick together, we can stop this shit.
p4058
aVDid you see that Sargento Cheese is going to stop selling shredded cheese? They're trying to make America grate again
p4059
aVHow do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian? Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
p4060
aVWill glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
p4061
aVWhat does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
p4062
aVI was wondering what my parents did without the internet. None of my 13 siblings could tell me
p4063
aVMy girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
p4064
aVWhen Alexander Graham Bell finally finished inventing the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
p4065
aVI went to a restaurant yesterday and the waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I spoke very slowly, because clearly she didn't listen well.
p4066
aV9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
p4067
aVWhat does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy? A Cameron Diaz #SayItOutLoud
p4068
aVThree people having sex is called a threesome and four people having sex is called a foursome. I guess that's why everyone calls me handsome!
p4069
aV"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes."
p4070
aVWhat's the difference between boy scouts and Jews? Boy scouts always come back from camp!
p4071
aVWhat's the best thing about being black? Not having to listen to awful dad jokes.
p4072
aVWhy did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls
p4073
aVDo special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?
p4074
aVWhat's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist? The art
p4075
aVWhy are Mike Tyson's eyes always red after sex? Pepper Spray
p4076
aVMy wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore. I had to put my foot down.
p4077
aVMy girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."
p4078
aVI bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
p4079
aVMy lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
p4080
aVI'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.
p4081
aVWhat kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.
p4082
aVI told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out. She pulled some strings and got me in.
p4083
aVMy friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D. I said, yes, but they R2D2.
p4084
aVWhat's the rudest type of Elf? The GofuckyoursELF
p4085
aVAbortions are so fun. It really brings out the kid in you
p4086
aV5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
p4087
aVWhat do you call cows that don't have a sense of humor? Feminists.
p4088
aVWhy do Indians hate snow? It's white and it's on their land.
p4089
aVI'm 36 but have the body of an 18-year-old.  The police are pretty upset about it.
p4090
aVI got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
p4091
aV"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Bob, you've been a doctor for 8 years now, stop starting every call we have with that."
p4092
aVWon the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $999,999.75
p4093
aVWhy do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table
p4094
aVG/f left a note on the fridge. "It's not working. Can't take it anymore." Opened the fridge and the light came on. What the hell did she mean?
p4095
aVMy favorite sexual position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
p4096
aVWhy was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
p4097
aV3 men are on a boat. They have 4 cigars, but nothing to light them with. They throw a cigar overboard and the boat becomes a cigar lighter.
p4098
aVWhat do you call cows that have a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
p4099
aVWhat do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
p4100
aVI have a phobia of over engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
p4101
aVWhen life gives Charlie Sheen lemons, he fucks them and gives them lemon-aids
p4102
aVMy girlfriend said to me "sex is better on vacation". That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
p4103
aVWhat's the worst animal to play cards with? A cheetah. Because it'll rip your face off.
p4104
aVMy wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
p4105
aVI like my puns like I like my sausages. The wurst ones are the best.
p4106
aVI almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.
p4107
aVMy doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's. At least it isn't cancer.
p4108
aVWhat's the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.
p4109
aVWhat should you do when life gives you melons? Get tested for dyslexia.
p4110
aVThe girl I lost my virginity to was retarded. I wanted my first time to be special.
p4111
aVRick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up
p4112
aVHow many ants does it take to rent a house? Ten ants
p4113
aVWhat's 18 inches long and makes women scream at night? Crib Death.
p4114
aVWhat did the Mexican Firefighter name his twin sons? José and Hose B
p4115
aVI tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
p4116
aVWhy do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.
p4117
aVWhat do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get
p4118
aVI'm addicted to having money in the bank. I really do suffer from withdrawals.
p4119
aVYou hear about the newest member of the X-Men? Caitlyn Jenner
p4120
aVMy boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.
p4121
aVWhere would you park your camel? The Camelot.
p4122
aVWhat did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period!
p4123
aVWhat do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public? A private tooter.
p4124
aVCrocodiles can grow up to 20 feet, but most have just four.
p4125
aVMike Tyson was arrested for beating up a pizza waitress. As he was finish eating, she asked "You wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
p4126
aVThere's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'You man the guns, I'll drive'
p4127
aVDamn girl are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up
p4128
aVWhat do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.
p4129
aVI went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No steak?" He replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "
p4130
aVWhy do pencils shave? To look sharp.
p4131
aVA mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*. He disappeared without a tres.
p4132
aVI want to tell a joke about Steve Jobs, but won't because it's not PC.
p4133
aVLife is like a box of chocolates; it doesn't last as long for fat people.
p4134
aVTo the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...You can hide, but you can't run.
p4135
aVA Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.
p4136
aVWhat's Gordon Ramsay's favorite movie? IT'S FUCKING FROZEN
p4137
aVI, for one, like Roman Numerals
p4138
aVWhat is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire
p4139
aVUnfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day. So Yung. She was my Seoul mate.
p4140
aVThank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
p4141
aVI hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn." Stupid firemen
p4142
aVMoses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.
p4143
aVWhat's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
p4144
aVI like my women how I like my bicycles. Chained up in the garage and two tired for movement.
p4145
aVThe Dentist says, "When was the last time you flossed?" The Patient replies, "You should know, you were there!"
p4146
aVHow did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.
p4147
aVMy grandfather had a stroke this week. He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.
p4148
aVWhat kind of water do you put into a waterbed? Spring water
p4149
aVHere's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow
p4150
aVWhy are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds!
p4151
aVA cop pulled over a Rabbi on Yom Kippur and said "hey you were speeding". The Rabbi replied "no, I'm fasting".
p4152
aVIf I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I'd be her type.
p4153
aVWhen I get mad I count down from ten out loud. I was arrested, the cops mistook me for a bomb.
p4154
aVDave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifesaver. It's what he would have wanted.
p4155
aVI received an email from Google. It said, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards " I thought, "That's just spam."
p4156
aVMy ex wife died so to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
p4157
aVWhy did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver!
p4158
aVWhat do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?  A Guantanamo Bae
p4159
aVWhat does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
p4160
aVWhy are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.
p4161
aVAmerica is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president. You could say they are going toupée for it.
p4162
aVA policeman knocked on the door and said, "It looks like your wife has been in an accident..." I said "Yes but she has a great personality!"
p4163
aVI remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
p4164
aVWhat's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.
p4165
aVHow's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.
p4166
aVI threw a party for people who can't ejaculate. Nobody came.
p4167
aVWhy is Def Leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along
p4168
aVI'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges.
p4169
aVHave you ever seen Puns: The Musical? If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.
p4170
aVWhy did the cyclops quit teaching? He had only one pupil.
p4171
aVWhat was Spiderman's major in college? Web Design
p4172
aVIt may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker
p4173
aVHow do you blind an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
p4174
aVDid you hear about the pessimistic German vegetarian? He feared the wurst
p4175
aVI hate when people ask me what I'm see myself doing in 5 years. Its not like I have 2020 vision.
p4176
aVWhat does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black
p4177
aVAnyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
p4178
aVJared Fogle of Subway started and ended his career the same way. Trying to get into smaller pants.
p4179
aVA waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining and asks "ladies, is anything ok?"
p4180
aVDiarrhea must be hereditary because it runs in your jeans.
p4181
aVDid you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees.
p4182
aVWhat did the depressed ghost say to the psychiatrist? Thanks for lifting my spirits.
p4183
aVWhy did 10 die? Because he was in the middle of 9/11
p4184
aVHear about the baby with AIDS?  It never gets old
p4185
aVWhy does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"? Because black people have no rights.
p4186
aVGeno Smith went to throw a punch back, but it was short a few yards.
p4187
aVWhat does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask says they don't know.
p4188
aVI hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me. I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
p4189
aVI seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
p4190
aVCan you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!? Luckily, I was up playing my drums.
p4191
aVTwo blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
p4192
aVToday someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
p4193
aVI know a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
p4194
aVSomebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windshield. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
p4195
aV"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
p4196
aVWhen my employer asked if I had a criminal record I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.
p4197
aVWhy do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste? The last dentist is busy killing a lion.
p4198
aVWhat do you call a marine who can't swim? A submarine.
p4199
aVSeveral toilets were stolen last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.
p4200
aVIs the KKK a good source of Potassium? Yes, because they're all bananas.
p4201
aVMy boss said "You're the worst fucking train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed to date?" I replied "It's hard to keep track."
p4202
aVWhy does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
p4203
aV50% of Japanese doctors have Cataracts. The other 50% drive Rincolns.
p4204
aVMy wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper, but she screamed when I brought her one.
p4205
aVMy friend really changed when she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
p4206
aVI've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil
p4207
aVWhat did the Indian boy say to his mom before he left? Mumbai
p4208
aVWhat concert ticket costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
p4209
aVWhy did the guitarist go to jail? For fingering A minor
p4210
aVWhy do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
p4211
aVThis joke is so dark that I hope it doesn't get shot by the police.
p4212
aVMy doctor asked if I drink to excess. I told him I'll drink to anything.
p4213
aVI was going down on this chick when I noticed her pussy tasted like horse semen. I stopped and said "Oh, so that's how you died, Grandma."
p4214
aVMy gf broke up with me, saying "You believe you're a Transformer. It's stupid." I said, "But, I can change!" She said, "There you go again!"
p4215
aVNever have unprotected sex with a cannibal. next thing you know, you'll have a baby in the oven.
p4216
aVI suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
p4217
aVWhat do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.
p4218
aVThey are the nosiest type of pepper. They are always jalapeño in your business
p4219
aVPretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market. Oh the irony.
p4220
aVWhat is the capital of Greece? About £10
p4221
aVWhy do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.
p4222
aVI started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco
p4223
aVIf Donald Trump gets elected president there's gonna be hell toupée.
p4224
aVDid you hear about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.
p4225
aVDid you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
p4226
aVWhat do you do if your kids start smoking? Take them out of the oven.
p4227
aVWhy is the hipster sweating? Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.
p4228
aVI thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
p4229
aVWhy don't dentists display their awards? Because they want to prevent plaque build-up.
p4230
aVWhy did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
p4231
aVWhy should you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
p4232
aVWhat do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking
p4233
aVI recently got sick at the airport. My doctor says it's a terminal illness.
p4234
aVIf you have a bee in your hand what do you have in your eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
p4235
aVI ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together. It was very con-fusing.
p4236
aVIt's crazy how sexist the postal service is. I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.
p4237
aVI got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand. They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
p4238
aVMy friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
p4239
aVThere's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.
p4240
aVHow do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.
p4241
aVI've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid them.
p4242
aVWhat's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck? After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck.
p4243
aVWhat do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls? Rick O'Shea.
p4244
aVWhat happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
p4245
aVI lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
p4246
aVI saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching....to reverse and leaving the scene.
p4247
aVA cannibal passed his friend in the woods.
p4248
aVWhat is E.T. short for? So he can fit on a spaceship.
p4249
aVMy wife gave me a brochure on anger management the other day. I lost it.
p4250
aVThe only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful. Bitches love to be called Beautiful
p4251
aVA suicide bomber says to his apprentice: "Watch carefully I can only do this once!"
p4252
aVWhat do you call a vehicle with no fuel in Africa? Outtagascar
p4253
aVHow do you keep a blonde busy for years? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
p4254
aVWhy does Kim Jong Un love books. Because he's the glorious Reader
p4255
aVWhy did the pig buy flour and sugar? He felt like bacon.
p4256
aVHao Long is a Chinese name.
p4257
aVWhat kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.
p4258
aVWhat is a ghost's favorite type of porn? Booooookake
p4259
aVI like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and all over my crotch.
p4260
aVWhat do they call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids
p4261
aVWhy do blind people walk their dogs so much?
p4262
aVMy math teacher called me average. How mean!
p4263
aVWhat did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas? Gee, you knit?
p4264
aVI went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?" The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."
p4265
aVI was in bed with a blind girl and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
p4266
aVWhy do porn stars hate driving? Because people always pull out infront of them.
p4267
aVDid you hear the latest joke about Baltimore? It's a riot
p4268
aVI was walking by a car filled with black people. They locked the door when i came near. I felt like a bad ass until I realized it was my car
p4269
aVAn old lady in front of me dropped $20 and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
p4270
aVWhat type of blood does a keyboard have? Typo
p4271
aVWhat did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
p4272
aVWhat's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.
p4273
aVI'm sick to death of cocaine dealers always sticking their business in other people's noses.
p4274
aVWhy were the Paul Walker jokes removed from the Bieber Roast? Paul Walker has already been roasted.
p4275
aVI just finished designing a website for an orphanage. There isn't a home page
p4276
aVWhy do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
p4277
aVWhat do Iron man and Sarah Palin have in common? They both had a little Downey inside of them.
p4278
aVWhat musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
p4279
aVMy roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.
p4280
aVI was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.
p4281
aVI told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour. "No way. That's impossible!" she said. "Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
p4282
aVWhat if a butterfly got a tramp stamp of a trashy white girl?
p4283
aVI got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work. She got fired too. Sorry for gherkin your chain.
p4284
aVWhy does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
p4285
aVWhy are cars faster than motorcycles? Because motorcycles are two tired.
p4286
aVWhen I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend. It turns out it was just my imaginasian
p4287
aVHow many McDonald's workers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder.
p4288
aVCrazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate. They both kill your dog
p4289
aV"What do cannibals like to eat on St. Patrick's Day? Corn Beef and Cabbage Patch Dolls!"
p4290
aV"How do construction workers remember their tasks? They drill them into their head!"
p4291
aV"What did one lesbian ghost say to the other? I like your booooooobs"
p4292
aV"What is Luke Skywalker's favorite coffee place? Java the hut!"
p4293
aV"Want to hear a joke about jalapeno poppers? Probably not because it's too queso fresco!"
p4294
aV"What did the pervert olive say to the sexy olive? I hope you take olive your clothes off!"
p4295
aV"What did Rick Astley say to his virginity? Never gonna give you up!"
p4296
aV"Why did the fat guy say to the midget? Don't be short with me or I'll eat you!"
p4297
aV"What did the cat say to the dog. You're purrrrfect!"
p4298
aV"Two Mexicans walk into a bar. One of them goes "Dios Mio that bar hurt!"
p4299
aV"Why did the bread cross the road. Because it was yeasty!"
p4300
aVTomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.
p4301
aVA priest walks into a hotel and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The front desk guy replies "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
p4302
aVPeople always ask 'how do you cope with erectile dysfunction'? Honestly, it's not that hard
p4303
aVI´m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back asks: do you want to see your family again? I said "no". We both had a good laugh.
p4304
aVA dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
p4305
aVI saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
p4306
aVMy dad was fired from his job in road work for theft. I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home all the signs were there.
p4307
aVWhoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you. You have my word
p4308
aVA vulture gets on a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion item per passenger."
p4309
aVWhat do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
p4310
aVTell a girl she's beautiful and she'll remember it for days. Tell a girl she's fat and she'll always remember because an elephant never forgets.
p4311
aVWhere do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
p4312
aV1/3 Of people live next to a pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two really hot ten year old's!
p4313
aVAre you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin.
p4314
aVThere's a new TV show about a plane hijacking. They just shot the pilot last week.
p4315
aVRIP boiling water. You will be mist.
p4316
aVWhy is there no black character in the game "Clue"? Because then it would be called "Solved."
p4317
aVI started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
p4318
aVDid you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will be a pizza history.
p4319
aVWhy are gay men always first to check-out of a hotel? They had their shit packed the night before.
p4320
aVCapitalization can really change a sentence. For example:\u000aI love to eat candy.\u000aI love to eat capitalization. \u000a\u000a
p4321
aVHow does a black woman know she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon the cotton's been picked.
p4322
aVYou gotta hand it to short people because they can't reach it
p4323
aVWhen a maple syrup producer sees a maple tree they don't own, do they think "I'd tap that"?
p4324
aVWhy are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right? Because women are always right, even when they're full of shit.
p4325
aVDid you hear the one about the three deep holes in the ground? Well? well? well?
p4326
aVI was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance so I pushed her over.
p4327
aVDid you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? He was tragically malicious.
p4328
aVI asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
p4329
aVWhat do you do if your baby comes out black? Cook the next one on a lower temperature.
p4330
aVWhat's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never paid $300 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
p4331
aVWhere does a dog go when he loses his tail? A re-tail store
p4332
aVWhat becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short
p4333
aVA falling battery killed a man today. It was charged with murder.
p4334
aVWhat's the best part about fucking twenty-eight year olds? They're twenty of them.
p4335
aVMy black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library. I said "Shit man, it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want!"
p4336
aVMy wife was happy when I told her I put a load in the dishwasher until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!
p4337
aVWhat do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear
p4338
aVWhat's the best part about dating a black girl? Not having to meet the father.
p4339
aVToday I was asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.
p4340
aVPedophiles are fucking immature assholes
p4341
aVAs I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
p4342
aVWhat was Hitler's favorite video game? Mein Kraft
p4343
aVWhy can't pirates finish the alphabet? They get lost at C.
p4344
aVWhere do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere!
p4345
aVWhat do u call a hilarious Mexican herb?  Sillyantro
p4346
aVWhat do you call an airplane that flies backwards? A receding airline
p4347
aVWhat do you call a stoner with down syndrome? A baked potato.
p4348
aVWhat do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists? The ¿Qué Qué Qué?
p4349
aVI don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym. I guess we just weren't working out.
p4350
aVI once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.
p4351
aVWhat did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? "Eiffel."
p4352
aVWhy do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee? 'Cause they hate the French press
p4353
aVGot fired from the market for being too violent. All I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
p4354
aVWhat's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years? Whitney Houston's crack pipe.
p4355
aVWhy are there no casinos in Africa? Too many cheetahs.
p4356
aVWhat's Bill Clinton's favorite instrument to play? His whore Monica.
p4357
aVWhat's the difference between a feminist and a computer? You can punch information into a computer.
p4358
aVWhen I was 6 I got coal from Santa. The next year I decided to get back at him and poison the cookies. The bastard found out and killed my dad
p4359
aVI had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
p4360
aVWhere does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.
p4361
aVWhy are 490 Romans funny? Because XD
p4362
aVMy girlfriend left me for an Indian guy. It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well. I heard they worship cows
p4363
aVWhat do I get when I pour my Root Beer into a square mug? Just Beer.
p4364
aVI broke up with this cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else.
p4365
aVWhy do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in stable relationships.
p4366
aVI'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like, but I'm sure the mass will be the same.
p4367
aVI have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy". I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
p4368
aVWhy are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
p4369
aVWhat's the difference between Santa Claus and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney
p4370
aVWhy does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.
p4371
aVWhat do Ethiopians get for Christmas? Hungry
p4372
aVWho says love is dead? Necrophiliacs
p4373
aVI'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
p4374
aVDid Jesus ever get drunk? Not sure, but I heard he got hammered once.
p4375
aVI accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick. She's still not talking to me.
p4376
aVWhat do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok
p4377
aVI tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub. They told me to try Vine.
p4378
aVDuring my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
p4379
aVWhy can't Jesus eat a cheeseburger? Because he's dead.
p4380
aVOnce I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
p4381
aVHow many people in denial does it take to change a light bulb? There is nothing wrong with the light bulb!
p4382
aVWhy did the riot police show up early to the protest? They wanted to beat the crowd.
p4383
aVSomebody drilled a hole in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
p4384
aVGay jokes aren't funny. Come on guys!
p4385
aVHow can you tell my parents are abusive? Beats me
p4386
aVWhat do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown
p4387
aVTwo consonants and a vowel go into a bar
p4388
aVWhat did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh no Michelle!
p4389
aVI've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think.
p4390
aVThe Nintendo 64 turned 18 last month, which means you can now legally blow the cartridges
p4391
aVWhy is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen
p4392
aVA Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?" "Yes," replied the master, "But no attachments."
p4393
aVWhy is Darth Vader so famous? He was the first black man to admit he is the father. 
p4394
aVWhat did Santa say to the hooker? "Fuck the chimney, I'm cumming down her throat!"
p4395
aVWhat does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..
p4396
aVMy ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
p4397
aVI used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.
p4398
aVWhy didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."
p4399
aVA book fell on Sean Connery's head. He replies "I only have my shelf to blame".
p4400
aVWhen does Sean Connery show up to Wimbeldon? About tennish
p4401
aVSean Connery found his niche. She was in the garden playing with his nephew.
p4402
aVWhere does Sean Connery shit? On any chair he finds.
p4403
aVHow does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+S
p4404
aVMy doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today. Technically he said, 'Less McDonald's' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant.
p4405
aVWhats the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until a boy's 14 to come on his face.
p4406
aVWhy did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
p4407
aVWhy didn't the skeleton show up to the party? He had no guts.
p4408
aVWhy doesn't Superman need a boss? He already has supervision.
p4409
aVMy wife is "like a plunger" when she gets drunk. She likes to bring up old shit.
p4410
aVWhat do ISIS and Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both have kurds in their way
p4411
aVWhat is al-queda's favorite football team? The New York Jets.
p4412
aVWhat's the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.
p4413
aVWhat's better than seeing a woman wrestle? Seeing her box.
p4414
aVWhat's the the key to telling an ISIS joke? The execution.
p4415
aVDid you hear about the time Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas? He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
p4416
aVGirl are you sitting on an F5 key? Cause that ass is refreshing.
p4417
aVWhat do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners
p4418
aVWhy was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? Because it was Luke warm.
p4419
aVWhat did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.
p4420
aVDid you hear about the Leper going for the masturbation world record? Eventually he pulled it off!
p4421
aVHave you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet? Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.
p4422
aVAccordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
p4423
aVWhat do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed?  A seasoned veteran
p4424
aVHickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.
p4425
aVI heard Alabama changed the drinking age to 32. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
p4426
aVMaybe I'm just ignorant. I don't know.
p4427
aVWhat's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never begged to have a lentil on my face.
p4428
aVI have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
p4429
aVMy name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.
p4430
aVYou are all too mean to fat people. You guys really need to lay off. They already have enough on their plates.
p4431
aV"Dad I don't want a puppy!" "Young Man, you'll eat what you're given in this house."
p4432
aVMy psychiatrist says I have revenge issues. I'll show him.
p4433
aVDid you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.
p4434
aVIf you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns, go for the juggler
p4435
aVYou know what I find odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
p4436
aVMy girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"
p4437
aVWhy do bad farmers make good DJs? Because they've got sick beets!
p4438
aVWhere are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
p4439
aVMy Dad died recently, but unfortunately I slept in and missed the funeral. I guess I'm not a mourning person
p4440
aVWhy aren't Mexicans ever indecisive? Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.
p4441
aVSomeone told me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
p4442
aVI had a bukkake party last night. It was a disaster. Nobody came.
p4443
aVHow many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.
p4444
aVWhat did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? My pad or yours.
p4445
aVHow does a pregnant mermaid give birth? Sea-section
p4446
aVWhy are aspirins white? Because they work
p4447
aVDid you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
p4448
aVI put deodorant on only one armpit. I don't smell half bad.
p4449
aVWhy is twelve an unfair number? Because it's two against one.
p4450
aVI was in Ferguson, got jumped by 5 black guys. It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.
p4451
aVHow can you tell that the little mermaid is on her period? She's followed by sharks.
p4452
aVDid you hear a Payless Shoe Source got looted in Ferguson? The only thing left were the work boots.
p4453
aVDid you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? His jokes were cheesy, but his delivery was amazing!
p4454
aVEver hear of the Tempura House? It's a home for lightly battered women.
p4455
aVWhat do you call a pile of cats?  A MEOWTAIN.
p4456
aVDid you hear the one about the wooden car? With the wooden wheels? And the wooden engine? It wooden work
p4457
aVDid you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia? He sold his soul to Santa.
p4458
aVWhats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops? It's counterproductive
p4459
aVA donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. because nobody likes a smart-ass.
p4460
aVSay, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert
p4461
aVWhat do you call two ants that run away to get married? Antelopes
p4462
aVHow did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? "I just need some space."
p4463
aVWhat did the little Iraqi girl tell her father after he bought her a new backpack? Thanks for the Baghdad.
p4464
aVWhy did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house? He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.
p4465
aVThe vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down." I said. "WHY?!" Vet said: "Because my arms are getting tired."
p4466
aVHow did Jesus get his abs? Cross Fit.
p4467
aVWhat kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler
p4468
aVWhat do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey José
p4469
aVWhy didn't the feminist get a job at the post office? Because she refused to work in a mail dominated industry.
p4470
aVWhat do you call a hot chick in Boston? A tourist
p4471
aVWhy can't atheists solve exponential problems? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
p4472
aVA duck walks into the pharmacy to buy some chapstick and says "just put it on my bill"
p4473
aVWhy is an executioner a terrible high-fiver? They always leave you hanging
p4474
aVWhat do you call an abortion in Prague? A canceled Czech.
p4475
aVHow do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks? On the rocks
p4476
aVMy telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it. They said they'd look into it.
p4477
aVWhat did the man on the 100 MPH escalator say? "Well that escalated quickly" 
p4478
aVSay what you will about Jerry Sandusky but he was a damn good coach. He could turn a tight end into a wide receiver in no time.
p4479
aVWhy don't jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber
p4480
aVWhy do bulimics like KFC? It comes with a free bucket.
p4481
aVWhy did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?  Because he was a cagey bee agent.
p4482
aVI heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!" I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!
p4483
aVI hate it when my neighbor's kids cry at night. Maybe I should give them back.
p4484
aVWhat's the difference between an Indian and an asshole? One smells like shit and the other is an asshole.
p4485
aVWhy are domestic violence jokes funny? They always have great punchlines
p4486
aVWhat has five teeth and an I.Q. of three? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
p4487
aVDid you hear about the Ethiopian Vs. US soccer game? USA: 8 Ethiopia: Didn't.
p4488
aVHow does a lawyer go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other
p4489
aVHow do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on their grave.
p4490
aVWhat's the difference between England and a tea bag? A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
p4491
aVJesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
p4492
aVI have a joke about pizza and a broken pencil. Unfortunately it's cheesy and pointless
p4493
aVWhy is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles? Because he gets stuck on across and can't get down either
p4494
aVWhat do ducks smoke? Qwack
p4495
aVHow do you find a blind man on a nude beach? It is not hard.
p4496
aVDid you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory
p4497
aVHow did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Attractive.
p4498
aVWhy did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts? He couldn't stand all the racket
p4499
aVHow do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until its bill withers.
p4500
aVHow do you drown a hipster? In the main stream
p4501
aVWhy do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They are really good at it.
p4502
aVWhat country does fried fish swim in? Greece
p4503
aVWhen I asked my friend how he's doing, he said "man, I'm just happy to be breathing". I told him he should have bigger aspirations.
p4504
aVWhat did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas? COOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
p4505
aVWhat do you call it when you open a soda for a buddy who is in outer space? An astrofizzassist.
p4506
aVWhat does every Pirate bachelor hate? A small chest with no booty.
p4507
aVWhat's the heaviest soup in Asia? Wonton soup. 
p4508
aVWhat did the gay man say to his cheating boyfriend? I see you already have your shit packed, now get out!
p4509
aVSo this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?" I said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"
p4510
aVWhat do you call a nose with no body? Nobody nose. 
p4511
aVIn what Californian city can you find waffles buried at the beach? Sandy Eggo.
p4512
aVA despondent Notorious B.I.G sits an empty suitcase on his bed and sighs. "I love going on vacation but I hate Tupac."
p4513
aVWhat do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom.
p4514
aVWhy do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
p4515
aVHow many ants are needed to fill an apartment? Ten-ants 
p4516
aVYo Mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
p4517
aVWhen do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot 
p4518
aVWhat's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.
p4519
aVHow's an online college degree like a small pizza? Neither feeds a family of four.
p4520
aVCan Mississippi wear Delaware's New Jersey? I don't know but Alaska
p4521
aVWhat do you call a hooker who likes noodles? A Pastatute
p4522
aVWhat do you call a Mexican who's car got stolen? Carlos
p4523
aVHow do you know you let a hippie stay at your house? He's still there.
p4524
aVWhat happened when the reporter fell into the water? She became an anchor
p4525
aVHow can a room full of couples be empty? There isn't a single person left. 
p4526
aVWhat do you call an invisible mom that got a sex change. Transparent
p4527
aVDid you hear about the Mexican train hijacker? They say he had loco motives.
p4528
aVI combined all of the watches I own into a belt. It was a complete waste of time. 
p4529
aVWhat did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? she choked.
p4530
aVWhat do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors? A reptile dysfunction
p4531
aVWhy did the banker eat lunch by himself? Because he was a loaner.
p4532
aVWife: Why are you home so early?\u000a\u000aHusband: My boss told me to go to hell.
p4533
aVWhat do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear? Claude 
p4534
aVWhy couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked. 
p4535
aVHow do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool. "Please get out of the pool".
p4536
aVWomen are like hurricanes. First they blow you and then you lose your house.
p4537
aVWhy is the alcoholic law student sad? Because he couldn't pass the bar.
p4538
aVWhat do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
p4539
aVWhat do cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Men toes.
p4540
aVWhat do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
p4541
aVHow do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive? Give them a test-tickle
p4542
aVWhat happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon? It got lemonaids
p4543
aVWhat's the difference between an Irish wedding and Irish funeral? One less drunk.
p4544
aVHow are synagogues like lemons?  They're full of acidic juice.
p4545
aVWhat do you call a person who delivers Indian food? Currier.
p4546
aVWhat's the difference between the lavatory and the cemetery? No difference - when you gotta go, you gotta go!
p4547
aVWhat do you call a gay man milking a cow? A Dairy Queen.
p4548
aVWhat's the difference between a hamburger and a prostitute? A hamburger is better with cheese.
p4549
aVWhy did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.
p4550
aVWhat did one math book say to the other? Man, I have problems. 
p4551
aVWhy does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted
p4552
aVWhat do you call a Blonde doing a handstand? A Brunette with bad breath.
p4553
aVWhat's a pirates favorite thing to knit? Scaaaaaarrves 
p4554
aVWhat's the difference between a cactus and a school bus? Cactus has little pricks on the outside
p4555
aVWhat gym equipment does Jesus use? A cross trainer
p4556
aVWhat's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls? NHL Players shower after three periods.
p4557
aVWhy don't baseball players get much action? Because they have foul balls.
p4558
aVWhen can't a pen write out a check? When it's broke. 
p4559
aVYou know I can see 6 years into the future? I have 2020 vision.
p4560
aVWhat's the difference between Jews and Christians? Jews get really angry, but Christians just get a little cross.
p4561
aVWhat do you call sunscreen in Ireland? Pubs
p4562
aVI heard a bunch of Japanese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!" They must be scared of the dark or something.
p4563
aVWhat is a stalker's favorite part of a hospital? The I C U
p4564
aVDid you hear about the bastard frog? It was a tad unexpected. 
p4565
aVA horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?" The horse, unable to understand English, shits on the floor and leaves.
p4566
aVSimba: Dad, what's the Super Bowl? Mufasa: No idea, we're lions.
p4567
aVDid you hear about the hard of hearing Mexican racist? He tried to join the que que que.
p4568
aVWhat do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic
p4569
aVWhat does a donkey proctologist do? Assesses ass' asses.
p4570
aVWhy was the computer tired when it got home? It was running all day. 
p4571
aVWhat does a Gynecologist and a Pizza Boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it
p4572
aVWhat is yellow and lives off dead Beatles? Yoko Ono
p4573
aVWhat do aliens use for currency? Starbucks 
p4574
aVA police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."
p4575
aVWhy should you never date a tennis player? cause love means nothing to them.
p4576
aVWhy did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below C level
p4577
aVWhat rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount rushmore
p4578
aVWhat do you call a Mexican who likes little kids? A Pedro phile
p4579
aVWhy did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business? He got too attached to his work.
p4580
aVWhat do you call a closet full of lesbians? A lick her cabinet.
p4581
aVWhat's every movie critic's favorite cooking ingredient? Michael Bay Leaves. 
p4582
aVWhy was the mathematician late for work? He took the rhombus. 
p4583
aVWhy did the painting go to jail? It was framed. 
p4584
aVHow do you make an octopus laugh? You give it ten tickles.
p4585
aVWhat do you call it when a DJ gets a blowjob while he's on the air? Radiohead
p4586
aVIf you watch Jeopardy backwards it becomes a show where people pay money to ask questions.
p4587
aVWhy did the blind fly starve to death? Because he couldn't see shit.
p4588
aVWhy did the Eskimos have to stop partying? Because they ran out of Natural Light
p4589
aVDon't fart in the apple store. They don't have Windows
p4590
aVWhat was the victim of the car crash wearing? A Casual-Tee
p4591
aVWhat happened to the stressed out redhead? He ginger snapped
p4592
aVWhat is Kanye West's favourite kind of omelette? Omeletteyoufinish
p4593
aVHow often did the asian cow go to the gym? Dairy
p4594
aVWhy did the ghost go into the elevator? To lift his spirits. 
p4595
aVWhat do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster. 
p4596
aVDid you hear about the guy who mixed Viagra and laxatives? He didn't know if he was coming or going.
p4597
aVWhy did the cannibal have an upset stomach? He ate someone who disagreed with him.
p4598
aVWhy did President Kennedy never get drunk? He wasn't very good at taking shots.
p4599
aVWanna hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable!  
p4600
aVA boy w/ diarrhea tells his Mom he needs Viagra. She asks "Why do u need that" He says "That's what u give Dad when his shit won't get hard"
p4601
aVWhy can't ghosts make babies? They have hollow weenies!
p4602
aVI saw a cop pull over a U Haul today. Looks like he was trying to bust a move.
p4603
aVWhat happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.
p4604
aVWhat do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know it all!
p4605
aVI'm sick and tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.
p4606
aVWhy has the pope never won a gold medal?  Because he always came in a little behind.
p4607
aVWhat did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other? Lets get Jobs!
p4608
aVWhat does diarrhea and a bar fight have in common? Blood on your stool.
p4609
aVHow do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch 
p4610
aVHave you ever seen the inside of an ac compressor? It's really cool. 
p4611
aVHow do you keep men on their toes? Raise the urinals
p4612
aVWhy did Tony the Tiger go to prison? RRRrrrrrrrrrrrape!
p4613
aVWho's the world's most famous blacksmith? Will Smith
p4614
aVWhat do cannibals like to drink in the morning? Bloody Mary
p4615
aVHow do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a goose.  
p4616
aVWhy did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
p4617
aVWhat does seven days without exercise make? One weak 
p4618
aVWhy did the introduction and the conclusion break up? Because they were never on the same page
p4619
aVAsked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said, "it is, and dont call me Shirley". Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
p4620
aVWhat do you call a mathematician at the beach? A tan gent.
p4621
aVWhat did the Mexican say when he was upset? I don't want to taco bout it because it's nacho business. 
p4622
aVWhat did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked to join a classical music costume contest?  "I'll be Bach"
p4623
aVWhy does Ariel from the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because the B-shells won't fit.
p4624
aVWhy don't U2's lawyers ever make any money? All their work is pro Bono.
p4625
aVWhy did the flattened can of Coke want to off itself? Because it was soda pressed!
p4626
aVDid you hear about the guy who won the anal sex competition? He actually came in the #2 spot.
p4627
aVWhat did the writer say when he glued himself to his book? That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 
p4628
aVWhat do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bale.
p4629
aVI phoned in sick today. Boss: "Exactly how sick are you?" Me: "Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."
p4630
aVI broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens' shoes. Bitches be trippin.
p4631
aVDid you hear about the girl who was dating the guy with the wooden leg? She broke it off 
p4632
aV9/11 jokes are just plane wrong.
p4633
aVGot fired today because I was caught masturbating with a vegetable. Nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
p4634
aVWhat do you call an angry German? A sour kraut.
p4635
aVHow do you kill a circus? Go straight for the juggler
p4636
aVWhy are New Yorkers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
p4637
aVWhy should Steve Irwin have put on sunscreen? To protect himself from the harmful rays.
p4638
aVHow do you feel when there's no more coffee? Depresso 
p4639
aVWhy did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce? He was making up for lost thyme.  
p4640
aVHow are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred
p4641
aVI decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies just for shits and giggles
p4642
aVWhat's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE
p4643
aVDid you hear about the rabbi who had to circumcise elephants? The pay was terrible but the tips were huge!
p4644
aVWhy do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of 3? Because the sign says no tres-passing. 
p4645
aVYou know what gets me down? An extra chromosome
p4646
aVWhere do naughty rays of light go? Prism 
p4647
aVA guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks how long till he can get a haircut. The barber replies, "About another half inch." 
p4648
aVIf a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies? A Swallow.
p4649
aVMy new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.
p4650
aVThey say shoe size is directly related to penis size. That makes the fear of clowns even worse
p4651
aVWhy couldn't anyone hear Helen Keller scream? She was wearing mittens.
p4652
aVWhat do you call a boat that gives fresh breath? A Shipmint! 
p4653
aVWhy did the Irish call their currency the "Punt"? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager
p4654
aVWhy are gay men so great at fashion? They've spent so much time in the closet.
p4655
aVWhich U.S. state abbreviation is the best? I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK. 
p4656
aVWhy did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke. 
p4657
aVWhen can women make you a millionaire? When you're a billionaire.
p4658
aVWhy are there only 239 beans in Irish stew? Because one more, and it'd be too farty.
p4659
aVWhat does a toilet, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men usually miss all three.
p4660
aVHow can you tell if Asians have broken into your house? The dog is gone, the homework is done, and they're still trying to leave your driveway
p4661
aVWhat does a guy with two right feet wear to the beach? Flop-flops. 
p4662
aVWhat's the square root of 69? Eight something.
p4663
aVHow can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant? She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.
p4664
aVWhat's the definition of a will? Come on, guys. The answer's a dead giveaway. 
p4665
aVMy friend keeps telling me to stop impersonating butter. I can't, I'm on a roll now. 
p4666
aVWhat did the Jewish pedophile say? "Would you like to buy some candy"
p4667
aVSorry for the lack of updates. Will continue in the next couple of days
p4668
aVWhy doesn't Spiderman like rice? It reminds him of Uncle Ben.
p4669
aVWhy did the book get stitches? Because he had his appendix removed. 
p4670
aVWhat did the DJ order from the deli? A club sandwich with extra beets.
p4671
aVWhere do hippos go to school? The Hippocampus 
p4672
aVWhy was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License? Because she got an F in sex.
p4673
aVHow do you blindfold an Asian woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
p4674
aVMost of my family has diarrhea. It runs in our jeans
p4675
aVDid you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom? He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.
p4676
aVWhat do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up
p4677
aVWhy are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
p4678
aVDid I ever post my Alzheimer's joke? I don't remember
p4679
aVHow does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.  
p4680
aVGot slapped by a girl for asking "Do you spit or swallow?" I thought this was a reasonable question since we were at a wine tasting session
p4681
aVWhat is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1
p4682
aVWhat sexual position creates the ugliest kids? Ask your parents. 
p4683
aVHow do you turn a fruit into a vegetable. You give him AIDS
p4684
aVDid you hear about the murder mystery porno? In the end, everyone did it.
p4685
aVMy friends think I'm too indecisive. I don't know what to think of that
p4686
aVBreasts are like beer. Men may state a preference, but we'll take whatever's on tap.
p4687
aVWhy was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face-off in the corner.
p4688
aVWhat did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I have only my shelf to blame"
p4689
aVI saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.
p4690
aVWhat do you call a little Mexican? A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.
p4691
aVWhat doesn't belong? Lobster, crab, tuna, or a Chinese man run over by a bus? Tuna. All others are crustaceans
p4692
aVWhere do senior citizens often go to the restroom? Depends
p4693
aVWhat do you call a poor Italian neighborhood? A speghetto. 
p4694
aVDid you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives
p4695
aVWhy did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas? Tibet 
p4696
aVI saw this wino lying in a gutter eating grapes, I was like, "bro, you have to wait."
p4697
aVWhy did they have to cancel the volleyball games in the special olympics? It wasn't going over too well.
p4698
aVWhy did the female dog have trouble getting a gun after the background check law passed? Cuz Bitches be crazy.
p4699
aVWhy did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant? He got crêped out. 
p4700
aVThe man who invented the "VELCRO" died today. RIP.
p4701
aVWhy did Isaac Newton's son know so much about gravity? The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
p4702
aVWhat did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè
p4703
aVWhy did the traffic light turn red? You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street. 
p4704
aVHow many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares? They never get the house anyway. 
p4705
aVWhat's the best dating service in India? Connect the dots.
p4706
aVWhy did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he might get a hole in one. 
p4707
aVWhere do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. 
p4708
aVWhat do you call a deaf man with no limbs? Whatever you want.
p4709
aVWhy did the homeless man vote for Obama? Because he promised change.
p4710
aVWhat did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? " I made you breakfast in bed!"
p4711
aVWhat's long, black, and dangerous to cut? The line at KFC.
p4712
aVHear the one about the miscarriage? I overheard it yesterday. The joke was funny but the delivery was all wrong
p4713
aVWhy did the minus sign run for office? To make a difference. 
p4714
aVAt my job I realized that some ass was giving names to all of the food in the refrigerator. Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'.
p4715
aVWhat does a perverted frog say? Rubbit.
p4716
aVhy was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering A minor.
p4717
aVDid you hear about the guy with the invisible penis? He came out of nowhere.
p4718
aVWhat music do chickens listen to? Bach
p4719
aVWhat do you call a girl that raps about women rights? Feminem. 
p4720
aVDo Asian midgets take photos on their iPad Minis?
p4721
aVWhat's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath? One has hope in her soul..
p4722
aVWhy was the mentally challenged midget crying? He was a little down.
p4723
aVWhat do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
p4724
aVWhat do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator. 
p4725
aVWhat do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky
p4726
aVWhat do trees take when they have a headache? Aleve. 
p4727
aVWhat do fat chicks and brick walls have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
p4728
aVWhat do a pimp and a redneck have in common? They both know how to throw a good hoe down.
p4729
aVIt makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much. Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.
p4730
aVWhat did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument? Good point
p4731
aVWhat do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
p4732
aVWhat's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
p4733
aVWhat did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? "Is it mine"?
p4734
aVWhy did the blonde starve to death? Her new phone came with a little packet in the box that said, "Do not eat."
p4735
aVHow do you know that your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.
p4736
aVWhat do you get when you run over a goose? Goose bumps.
p4737
aVNew health study on the psychology of midgets shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy
p4738
aVIf you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? European
p4739
aVWhat do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha Ching
p4740
aVWhy didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant? He comes in a bottle.
p4741
aVDid you know 80% of Chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive Rincolns.
p4742
aVWhat do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed.
p4743
aVWhy do you never buy a woman a watch? Because there's a clock on the stove.
p4744
aVWhy don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three? Because it says "No Trespassing".
p4745
aVWhat does a necrophiliac get at a funeral? Mourning wood
p4746
aVWhy don't they have gambling in Africa? There are too many cheetahs.
p4747
aVWhat did the judge order in his whiskey? Just ice
p4748
aVWhat do you call an obese psychic? A four chin teller.
p4749
aVI wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she was on her period. So I had to pull some strings.
p4750
aVWhat does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds. 
p4751
aVWhat do you guys think of message boards? I'm all forum. 
p4752
aVI was at a wedding the other day. It was so moving, even the cake was in tiers. 
p4753
aVHear about the cross-eyed teacher? She just couldn't control her pupils.
p4754
aVDid you hear about the man who enjoyed having sex with fruit? Some people say he's not too weird, but I still think he's fucking bananas.
p4755
aVHow do you pick up a smokin' hot Jewish girl? Broom and a Dustpan.
p4756
aVI organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a great time.
p4757
aVWhy did Mr. Grape leave Mrs. Grape? He was tired of raisin kids. 
p4758
aVWhy did the banker dump his girlfriend? He lost interest. 
p4759
aVWhat do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. 
p4760
aVWhat animal has two gray feet and two brown feet? An elephant with diarrhea.
p4761
aVWhy don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas.
p4762
aVDid you hear about the women who got wooden breast implants? A punchline would be funny here, Wooden Tit?
p4763
aVWhy did the snowman take his pants off? He heard the snow blower was coming.
p4764
aVWhy don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians don't like any witnesses..
p4765
aVHow do you invite a Native Alaskan to your home? You Eskimover. 
p4766
aVWhy do you never tease a fat girl with lisp? Because she's thick and tired of it.
p4767
aVHow do you make a woman blind? Put a windshield in front of her.
p4768
aVWhy did the chicken go to KFC? To see a chicken strip.
p4769
aVHow does a dog catcher get paid? By the pound.
p4770
aVWhy can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
p4771
aVWhat did Earth say to the other planets? Wow, you guys have no life.
p4772
aVI accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles. My next dump could spell disaster
p4773
aVA painter billed me $0 after finishing painting my house. I asked, why $0? He said: "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
p4774
aVWhat concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
p4775
aVWhat does an angry pepper do? It gets jalepeño face. 
p4776
aVI had a dog with no legs. I named him cigarette so I could take him for a drag.
p4777
aVWhat did the melon tell her boyfriend when he proposed? Yes but we cantaloupe. 
p4778
aVWhy was the orphan so successful? When they told him "go big or go home", he only had one option.
p4779
aVWhy are hipsters such great assassins? Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.
p4780
aVWhats the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has dates.
p4781
aVWhat's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
p4782
aVHow do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
p4783
aVDid you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary? It's a play on words. 
p4784
aVWhat do you do with 365 used condoms? ll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear
p4785
aVWhat do you call it when a girl wipes back to front? A Choco-Taco
p4786
aVWhat do you call a black man selling drugs? A pharmacist, you racist.
p4787
aVHow do you make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles 
p4788
aVHow do you turn a Fox into an Elephant? Marry her.
p4789
aVHow many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!
p4790
aVThere are 2 ducks. One duck pulls his pants down. What does the other duck see? His but-quack.
p4791
aVHave you heard about the Italian chef? He pasta way 
p4792
aVWhat did Arnold Schwarzenegger say about the baritone? It's not a tuba.
p4793
aVWhat do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.
p4794
aVDid you know drinking beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.
p4795
aVWhat do you call a bunch of high Mexicans? Baked Beans
p4796
aVWhat's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on
p4797
aVHow do you make a woman angry and sick at the same time? Cholera, bitch.
p4798
aVDid you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drowned in his tea pee.
p4799
aVWhy don't chickens wear undies? Because their peckers are on their faces.
p4800
aVWhy does the hipster make crappy coffee? The beans are always under-ground.
p4801
aVWhat do fat girls and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
p4802
aVWhat do you call a food that turns black people on? An afro-disiac.
p4803
aVI got fired from my job at Pepsi..I tested positive for Coke.
p4804
aVWhat does a redneck and yeast have in common? They are both in-bread. 
p4805
aVAt what point does a Lamb become a Sheep? When its had it's Baaaaa-Mitzvah! 
p4806
aVWhy was the little ink blot so unhappy? Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be. 
p4807
aVWhat do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common? They're both easy to piss off.
p4808
aVDid you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? When he found out, the guy went nut.
p4809
aVWhy did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest? Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.
p4810
aVHave you heard the one about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
p4811
aVWhat did the wall say when a fish ran into it? Dumb Bass 
p4812
aVWhat's the difference between an outlaw and an in- law? Outlaws are wanted. 
p4813
aVWhat do you call twin policemen? Copies. 
p4814
aVWhat did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar? OH SNaP!
p4815
aVTo whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word. 
p4816
aVIf Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called Algorithms.
p4817
aVWhat do you call a cow's mate? Its significant udder. 
p4818
aVHave you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.
p4819
aVHave you guys heard the story about the butter? You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around. 
p4820
aVHow many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
p4821
aVWhat do you call a Mexican with no car? Joaquin.
p4822
aVDid you hear about the Muslim Party? It was a blast.
p4823
aVDid you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction. 
p4824
aVWhat did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!
p4825
aVWhat did the baby corn say to momma corn? Where is popcorn. 
p4826
aVWhat do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? One hundred sowsand bucks 
p4827
aVDid you hear about the new "emo" grass? People love it because it cuts itself.
p4828
aVWhat does the highest paid WNBA player make? Sandwiches.
p4829
aVWhat did Jeffrey Dahmer sing as he went to the refrigerator? My Bologna had a first name.
p4830
aVWhat do you call a vegetarian crocodile in Egypt? a Croc-in-de-Nile.
p4831
aVWhats the difference between a fish and a piano? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
p4832
aVWhat do you call a dead Mexican? Dearly deported.
p4833
aVWhy doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
p4834
aVWhat is the difference between a Mercedes and a Lexus? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Lexus
p4835
aVWhat's the difference between iron-man and iron woman? One is a superhero and the other is a command.
p4836
aVAs i handed my mom her 60th birthday card today she said "One would've been enough". 
p4837
aVWhy can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he doesn't know if he's black or white.
p4838
aVWhat happened to the two ants who got into a fight on a toilet seat? They got pissed off. 
p4839
aVHow can you tell the Indians were here in America first? They had reservations.
p4840
aVWhy is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb? Many hands make light work.
p4841
aVWhy was 6 afraid of 7? Because seven was a six offender.
p4842
aVWhat do sea monsters like to eat? Fish and ships
p4843
aVWhat did one stoplight say to the other stoplight? Don't look! I'm changing!
p4844
aVWhy is Bon Jovi's bed always messy? Because he doesn't think it matters if you make it or not.
p4845
aVWhat does the Chicago Cubs' name stand for? Completely Useless By September.
p4846
aVCalled my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter. I will not be coming into work today.
p4847
aVWhy should honeymoons only last six days? Because seven days makes a hole weak.
p4848
aVDid you hear about the apartment building that got blown up? Roomers were flying around.
p4849
aVI just found out my girlfriend has 50,000 bees. I think she's a keeper.
p4850
aVWhat do my son and wine have in common? They're both white, two years old, and in a box in my refrigerator.
p4851
aV"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying, but a terrible way to tell your kids that they're adopted.
p4852
aVI bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
p4853
aVWhy did the guy have Ben Franklin tattooed on his penis? His girlfriend was great at blowing 100 bucks.
p4854
aVWhat's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.
p4855
aVWhat do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Holy Roller
p4856
aVHow does a Lead Guitar player change a light bulb? He doesn't, he just steals someone else's light!
p4857
aVWhat do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph, because they're too short to be an essay.
p4858
aVWhy didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!
p4859
aVWhy don't robot chickens play basketball? Too many technical fowls 
p4860
aVWhat can be found in a Judge's freezer? Just ice.
p4861
aVHow many SEO experts does it take to change a lightbulb? lightbulbs buy light bulbs neon lights sex porn
p4862
aVWhat might a farmer put on his resume? Works well with udders. 
p4863
aVWhat did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam
p4864
aVWhat's a Jewish dilemma? Free Ham.
p4865
aVHow do color blind people see porn? In fifty shades of gray. 
p4866
aVDid you hear about the new farmers dating site? It's full of hoes.
p4867
aVWhat do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor.
p4868
aVHow are Bungee jumping and visiting a prostitute alike? If the rubber breaks, you're dead.
p4869
aVI broke up with a Japanese girl last week. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.
p4870
aVHow do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.
p4871
aVWhat happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
p4872
aVWhat do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike
p4873
aVWhy do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women can't resist anything 25% off.
p4874
aVWhat's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken. 
p4875
aVHave you heard of the corduroy pillow? Its making headlines.
p4876
aVI'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a midget because he under stands.
p4877
aVWhy did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay
p4878
aVDid you hear that David Copperfield has aids now? Yea, he was doing Magic.
p4879
aVWhy did the chicken kill itself? To get to the other side.
p4880
aVWhy was the baseball team hot? It didn't have any fans 
p4881
aVWhat does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both can be used to carry vegetables. 
p4882
aVWhy did the hipster go kayaking in a tributary? Rivers are too mainstream. 
p4883
aVHow do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush. 
p4884
aVWhat's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it would be the arrr but it's really the sea.
p4885
aVDid you know that trampolines used to actually be called jumpolines? That is, until 1982 when your mom got on one. 
p4886
aVWhy do scuba divers fall backwards out of boats? If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat. 
p4887
aVWhat did sushi A say to sushi B? WASSA-B!
p4888
aVWhy don't North Koreans go to heaven? Because they have no Seoul
p4889
aVHow do you know that adam and eve were white? have you ever tried taking a rib from a black man.
p4890
aVHow do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her like an alter boy.
p4891
aVWhat's the worst thing your wife can say during sex? Honey I'm home
p4892
aVDoes a rabbi charge a lot for circumcisions? No. He just keeps the tips.
p4893
aVWhat's the cheapest kind of meat? Deer balls, They're under a buck!
p4894
aVWhy did the hippie drown? Because he was too far out, man.
p4895
aVWhy are Native Americans the most successful strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.
p4896
aVDid you hear, there's no more ice in Poland? The old lady with the recipe died
p4897
aVWhat's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. 
p4898
aVWhat's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
p4899
aVWhat do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
p4900
aVHow many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change
p4901
aVWhat's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
p4902
aVHow do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "Fuck"? You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"
p4903
aVWhat do you call water that bounces? Spring water. 
p4904
aVHow does a Jewish mother change a light bulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."
p4905
aVWhat's the worst part about locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? Going in and asking for a coat hanger.
p4906
aVWhat has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes? 12 pirates. 
p4907
aVA Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"
p4908
aVWhy can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex clap? Because they're dead.
p4909
aVHow many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but they have to be really small.
p4910
aVHow many ears does Spock have? Three: A right ear A left ear A final frontear. 
p4911
aVWhat did one saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support or people are gunna think we're nuts.
p4912
aVWhat did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around
p4913
aVWhat did Mr.T say when he saw a fat lady at the bar? I pity the stool!
p4914
aVWhat did the Italian say when the eel swam by? That's a Moray.
p4915
aVDid you hear about how the Police were called to a daycare yesterday? A three-year-old was resisting a rest
p4916
aVWhy can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box.
p4917
aVWhat does it take to please an Amish woman? Two Mennonite.
p4918
aVHow do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night? Take away their beds
p4919
aVWhat's the difference between an arts student and a table? A table can support itself 
p4920
aVWhat is Michael Jackson's favorite note? F minor. 
p4921
aVWhat does R. Kelly say when he's mad at his kid? Urine trouble. 
p4922
aVDid you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? They say that he's a seasoned veteran.
p4923
aVWhat do you call a hot dog with a sweater? A chili dog 
p4924
aVDo zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
p4925
aVWhy is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping? In case your other agus breaks. 
p4926
aVWhat do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large 
p4927
aVWhat did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breath through something so small?" 
p4928
aVYou hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.
p4929
aVWhat's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
p4930
aVHow many 11s does it take to change a lightbulb? 9. 9 11 changed everything.
p4931
aVWhat's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis
p4932
aVWhy doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids? Every time his wife gets hot, he smacks her with a shovel.
p4933
aVWhy do so many American kids die in school shootings? They're not allowed to run in the halls.
p4934
aVWho's Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy.
p4935
aVWhat's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
p4936
aVWhat's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the first period.
p4937
aVDid you hear the one about the streaker who ran naked through a church? The priest caught him by the organ.
p4938
aVHow many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they have to do it during dinner.
p4939
aVWhat's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer either way.
p4940
aVWhat happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller. 
p4941
aVI ordered an Asian Hooker, she arrived 2 hours late. She loves me wrong time.
p4942
aVWant to hear a joke about pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesy. 
p4943
aVWhy is it called PMS? Because mad cow disease was taken.
p4944
aVWhat do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
p4945
aVThe frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
p4946
aVSomebody threw some cheese at me in the supermarket the other day. I thought to myself "How dairy."
p4947
aVWhat do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen 
p4948
aVHow do you make an archaeolgist mad? Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.
p4949
aVHow do you make Holy water? You boil the Hell out of it. 
p4950
aVWhy did Michael Jackson love to shop at Sears? He heard little boy's pants were half off. 
p4951
aVWhat does a Mexican cut his pizza with? Little Caesars
p4952
aVWhat's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
p4953
aVWhat's a thesaurus's favorite cereal? Synonym Toast Crunch
p4954
aVWhat did the left nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick.
p4955
aVWhat do sperm and politicians have in common? About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.
p4956
aVWhat do terrorists do on vacation? They go waterboarding.
p4957
aVWhat do you call a leper in a jacuzzi? Stew.
p4958
aVWhy was the pig in the kitchen? It was bacon.
p4959
aVWhat do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decaffeinated
p4960
aVWhat do you get for stealing a slut's vegetables? Her peas.
p4961
aVWhat do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Senior have in common? Their last hit was the wall.
p4962
aVWhen does 1+1=3? When you don't use a condom.
p4963
aVWhat's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.
p4964
aVWhat's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You just know she'll swallow.
p4965
aVDo you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen did last year? Enough to kill 2 and 1/2 men.
p4966
aVWhat does it taste like when you go down on a old lady? Depends...
p4967
aVMexican and Black jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
p4968
aVWhy does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.
p4969
aVHow did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his dinner before it was cool.
p4970
aVWhat's the difference between sex and golf? In golf one bad hole won't kill you.
p4971
aVWhat do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decalfinated
p4972
aVWhy is chili so annoying? Because it's always Jalopeño business.
p4973
aVWhat did Arnold Schwarzenegger say before he began his chess game? I'll be black.
p4974
aVWhy can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would a foot. 
p4975
aVWhat's long and hard on a black man? The first grade.
p4976
aVDid you hear Mary had sex with god for cash? She just wanted to make a little prophet.
p4977
aVWhat gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.
p4978
aVWhat do you call a female peacock? A peacunt.
p4979
aVWho picks up shit from a seeing eye dog?
p4980
aVWhat do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common? Someone didn't pull it out in time.
p4981
aVWhat's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can't take a joke.
p4982
aVWhat do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.
p4983
aVHow can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.
p4984
aVWhat do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass
p4985
aVWhat do you do to a chemist after they die? You barium.
p4986
aVI've been reading a book about the history of glue. I can't put it down!
p4987
aVWhat do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? A seizure salad.
p4988
aVHow much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
p4989
aVWhat kind of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon.
p4990
aVDid you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
p4991
aVWhy did Hitler commit suicide? Because he got his gas bill.
p4992
aVMarriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you'd a club and a spade.
p4993
aVHow do you make a dead baby float? Add 2 scoops of ice cream. 
p4994
aVMichael J. Fox accidentally erases everything he draws on an Etch-a-Sketch.
p4995
aVEver had Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
p4996
aVWhat does one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.
p4997
aVWhy can't you fool an aborted baby? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
p4998
aVWhat did the sadist do to the masochist? Nothing.
p4999
aVThere are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
p5000
aVA man gets the words "I LOVE YOU" tattooed on his penis. His wife tells him "Quit putting words in my mouth!"
p5001
aVMy love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
p5002
aVWhy didn't the skeleton ask anyone on a date? He didn't have the guts!
p5003
aVWhy did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead.
p5004
aVIf you spin a Chinese man around a hundred times does he get disoriented?
p5005
aVA dwarf got pick-pocketed the other day. How could they stoop so low?
p5006
aVA horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse.
p5007
aVWhat do you call the first Irish woman ever created? The McRib.
p5008
aVWhat do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice!
p5009
aVPiracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook.
p5010
aVAre you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.
p5011
aVHow do pigs get to a hospital? By riding in a hambulance.
p5012
aVA person went to a coffee shop. The waiter asked, "Do you want your coffee black?" The person replied, "What other colors do you have?"
p5013
aVWhy did the scientist disconnect his doorbell? He wanted to win the Nobel Prize.
p5014
aVA few weeks ago, two cartoonists entered a contest. The result was a draw.
p5015
aVDid you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident? He's alright.
p5016
aVA guy walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's slowly killing his family.
p5017
aVWhat would you get if your donkey ate the legs off my rooster? Two feet of my cock in your ass.
p5018
aVWhat do you call a puppy in a desert? A hot dog. 
p5019
aVHow do you clear out a veterans bingo hall? B 52.
p5020
aVWhat do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup? Turn off the Playstation.
p5021
aVWhere do you find a zebra? 25 letters after A, bra.
p5022
aVWhat's gray, full of cement, and howls at the moon? A coyote (I just added the cement to make it harder).
p5023
aVWhat does a clock do when its hungry? Go back for seconds.
p5024
aVWhy do rednecks like Halloween? Because they can Pump-Kin.
p5025
aVHave you heard my under construction joke? It's not done yet.
p5026
aVThis girl came up to me and said she recognised me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
p5027
aVThere's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period. It's an ovary action.
p5028
aVI went to Seoul the other day to sell fluorescent markers. It was the highlight of my Korea.
p5029
aVKnock knock  Who's there?  Britney Spears  Britney Spears who?  Knock knock  ... Who's there?  Oops I did it again.
p5030
aVWho's the coolest guy at the hospital? The ultrasound guy.
p5031
aVMy wife was gang raped by a group of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on her.
p5032
aVYou can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose
p5033
aVThere are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
p5034
aVYour head is so big, your ears are in different time zones.
p5035
aVWhy did Jesus quit playing hockey? He was tired of getting nailed to the boards.
p5036
aVMy wife is a famous porn star. She would be pissed if she found out.
p5037
aVA priest, a rabbi, and a blind man walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?
p5038
aVWhat did the buffalo say to its kid when it went to school? Bison.
p5039
aVTwo soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and goes, "Blublublub!"
p5040
aVWhat's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre.
p5041
aVWhats the difference between two dicks and a joke? You can't take a joke.
p5042
aVWhat's the difference between a mistress and a wife? About 30 pounds.
p5043
aVDid you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRGH.
p5044
aVWhy is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides
p5045
aVWhat do you call a pig with three eyes. Piiig.
p5046
aVWhat do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaains.
p5047
aVDid you blow bubbles as a kid? Well, he's back in town and wants his money back.
p5048
aVIn a Catholic boarding school, how do you know when to go to bed? The big hand touches the little hand.
p5049
aVWhat do ninjas drink? WATAH!
p5050
aVWhat's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise.
p5051
aVWhat do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco
p5052
aVWhy did Gateway computers go out of business? Because they led to stronger and addictive computers.
p5053
aVI used to know a joke about the hippocampus, but I forgot it.
p5054
aVA guy walked into a bar. He got a light concussion.
p5055
aVWhat's a Canadian's favorite letter? A.
p5056
aVA seal walks into a club. The doorman takes his coat.
p5057
aVMy friend was just buried in a cemetery. It's okay, he was dying to get in.
p5058
aVWhat did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
p5059
aVWhy do mermaids wear seashells? They're too big for B-shells and too small for D-shells.
p5060
aVTwo peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-SALTED.
p5061
aVWhy didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts for it.
p5062
aVWhat does the Sun drink out of? Sunglasses.
p5063
aVWhat did the dog say to the tree? Bark.
p5064
aVWhat do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.
p5065
aVWhat does an elephant use for a vibrator? An epileptic sheep.
p5066
aVWhat do you get if you cross a traffic warden with a dog? A barking ticket.
p5067
aVDid you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand.
p5068
aVHow many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only Juan.
p5069
aVWhat's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa kept it down to three hos.
p5070
aVA neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
p5071
aVHow can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.
p5072
aVHow many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It's an obscure number you've probably never heard of.
p5073
aV"President Bush is going to visit the Vatican. He says he's looking forward to meeting the Pope and Mrs. Pope."
p5074
aVWhat's the temperature in Motown right now? Three degrees, four tops.
p5075
aVWhat did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.
p5076
aVWhat did the Zombie plumber cry? DRAAAAAINS. 
p5077
aVWhy don't dinosaurs talk? Because they're dead.
p5078
aVNever hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 
p5079
aVWhat's the worst part about two black guys going over a cliff in a van? They were my friends.
p5080
aVNever get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
p5081
aVWar does not determine who is right \u2013 only who is left.
p5082
aVWomen should not have children after 50. Really\u2026 50 children are enough.
p5083
aVWhat do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Their names, if you know them. If not just say "excuse me".
p5084
aVA horse walks into a bar, the barman says, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "I have cancer."
p5085
aVIf you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
p5086
aVWhat's the difference between a mailbox and an elephant's asshole? You don't know? Remind me not to give you a letter to mail.
p5087
aVTo my wife in bed - "Give me a Chilean Miner!" Her - "What's that?" Me- "Go down to the bottom of my shaft and stay there 'til Christmas!"
p5088
aVTwo men walk into a bar, and the third one ducks.
p5089
aVA termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bar tender here?".
p5090
aVDid you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.
p5091
aVA man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.
p5092
aVWhat kind of soup weighs 2000 lbs? Won ton soup.
p5093
aVWhat did Paris Hilton's left leg say to her right leg? nothing, they're never together. 
p5094
aVWhat do you call a female deer that's pickled? A dill doe. 
p5095
aVWhat did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrist's shower? Well, that's another load off of my chest.
p5096
aVWhat do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stew.
p5097
aVI picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
p5098
aVWhat do Mexicans and beans have in common? They both smell like beans.
p5099
aVWhat lies at the bottom of the ocean and quivers? A nervous wreck. 
p5100
aVwhy dont vampires bite divorced MEN? beccause they have already been drained dry..
p5101
aVWhy don't cannibals eat divorced women? They're bitter.
p5102
aVMy friend drowned, and at the funeral, we got him flowers in the shape of a life vest. It's what he would have wanted.
p5103
aVWhat's worse than a joke about shit? A joke about shit that's corny.
p5104
aVAs a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
p5105
aVWhat did Santa Claus\u2019s wife say during a thunderstorm? Come and look at the rain, dear.
p5106
aVA comedian entered a joke contest and sent in ten of his best one-liners and waited to see if he had won. Sadly no pun in ten did.
p5107
aVWhat do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed-deer.
p5108
aVWhat do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.
p5109
aVWhat do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.
p5110
aVWhy was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he's a fungi.
p5111
aVThere are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
p5112
aVWhy don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be called bagels!
p5113
aVA man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.
p5114
aVWhy did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee was blowing fowls.
p5115
aVWhat do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto!
p5116
aVWhat's positive about Africa? H.I.V.
p5117
aVWhat's the worst part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe? Maggots.
p5118
aVWhat's worse than finding a worm in you apple? Finding half a worm.
p5119
aVWhat's the worst thing a mother can say to her child? I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!
p5120
aVWhat's the most successful pickup line ever? "Does this smell like chloroform?"
p5121
aVHow do you get a woman to stop giving blowjobs? Marry her.
p5122
aVWhats green, slimy and smells like ham? Kermit the Frog's finger.
p5123
aVA baby seal walks into a club...
p5124
aVHow do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.
p5125
aVMenstrual jokes are not funny. Period.
p5126
aVHolocaust jokes aren't funny. Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.
p5127
aVDid you hear the joke about the deaf guy who walked into a bar? no! neither did he...
p5128
aVHow many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go see a movie?
p5129
aVA man walks into a bar and says "ow".
p5130
aVWhat do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA
p5131
aVI like my women like I like my whiskey, Twelve years old and mixed up with coke.
p5132
aVWhat's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!
p5133
aVWhat do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You done told her twice.
p5134
aVWhat did the Mexican say when his term paper flew out the window? - "Where you goin', essay?"
p5135
aVBorrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.
p5136
aVWhat's the difference between a musician and a large cheese pizza? A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.
p5137
aVWhat do you call a black man who fixes your toilet? You call him a plumber you racist!
p5138
aVWhat did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
p5139
aVHow many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Feminists can't change shit.
p5140
aVIf you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
p5141
aVWhat do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
p5142
aVWhere does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
p5143
aVWhat is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs
p5144
aVWhat has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
p5145
aVWhat did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
p5146
aVWhy don't blondes have elevator jobs? They don't know the route.
p5147
aVHow can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
p5148
aVWhat do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant
p5149
aVWhat do you call two skunks that are 69ing? Odor eaters
p5150
aVDid you hear about the Christmas themed porn? Jesus gets nailed.
p5151
aVYo Mama is so fat it takes 3 warlocks to summon her.
p5152
aVYo mama is so stupid, it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
p5153
aVYo mama is so worn out, she has to have a baby just to get off.
p5154
aVYo Mama is so fat, her nickname is "DAMN!"
p5155
aVYo mama is so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.
p5156
aVYo mama is so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.
p5157
aVYo Mama is so fat she sat on a dollar and made four quarters.
p5158
aVYo Mama is so fat, I told the bitch to haul ass and it took her two trips.
p5159
aVYo Mama is so ugly, it affects her self-esteem.
p5160
aVYo Mama is so stupid she enjoys the musical stylings of Nickelback.
p5161
aVYo Mama is so fat she uses the equator as her belt.
p5162
aVYo Mama is so fat that smaller fat people orbit around her.
p5163
aVYo Mama is so dumb, she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
p5164
aVYo mama is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs.
p5165
aVYo mama is so fat, that when she stepped on a scale, it said "to be continued"
p5166
aVYo mama is so fat she has diabetes and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
p5167
aVYo mama is so fat she needs a passport to roll over.
p5168
aVYo mama is so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her.
p5169
aVYo mama is so old that when I told her to act her own age she died.
p5170
aVYo mama is so desperate she had sex with me!
p5171
aVYo mama is so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
p5172
aVYo mama is so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.
p5173
aVYo Mama is so fat her BMI is measured in acres.
p5174
aVYo mama is so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
p5175
aVYo Mama is so fat that when she died and was cremated, her ash caused the cancellation of flights across Europe.
p5176
aVYo mama is so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook.
p5177
aVYo mama is so fat on the sixth day god created her.
p5178
aVYo mama is so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
p5179
aVYo Mama is so ugly, she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother".
p5180
aVYo mama is so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
p5181
aVYo mama is so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth.
p5182
aVYo mama is so old she farts dust.
p5183
aVYo mama is so old her social security number is 1!
p5184
aVYo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
p5185
aVWhy was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
p5186
aVDid you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
p5187
aVWhy did Michael Jackson start the race 10 minutes late? He wanted to come in a little behind.
p5188
aVWe live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
p5189
aVCrowded elevators smell different to midgets.
p5190
aVA girl went into the doctor's office with a strawberry up her ass. The doctor said I've got some "cream" for that.
p5191
aVWhy was the Energizer Bunny arrested? He was charged with battery.
p5192
aVA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
p5193
aVThe fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.
p5194
aVJesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
p5195
aVWhat do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
p5196
aVHow are an Arkansas Tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
p5197
aVIf a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
p5198
aVWhat happens to a grape when an elephant sits on it? It lets out a little whine.
p5199
aVWhy don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the dog.
p5200
aVWhy do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
p5201
aVWhat happened to the kid who chugged 8 cokes? He burped 7up.
p5202
aVWhat kind of shoes are made out of banana peels? Slippers.
p5203
aVWhat did the letter say to the stamp? Stick to me and we'll go places.
p5204
aVWhat is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.
p5205
aVWhen I was in a supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?".
p5206
aVWhat's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Canoes tip!
p5207
aVTwo tampons walk down the street. Who says hi first. None, they are stuck up cunts.
p5208
aVStatistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
p5209
aVRoses are red. Violets are blue. I've got a knife. Get in the back of the van.
p5210
aVWhat's big, gray, and unimportant? An irrelephant.
p5211
aVWhy did the Mexican throw his wife off of the roof? Tequila.
p5212
aVWhat did the cheese maker say after his factory was hit by lightning? I've created a muenster.
p5213
aVWhat do you get when you combine a comedian and a whorehouse? A BROFL.
p5214
aVI've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's ten to one.
p5215
aVYou hear they're making a movie about constipation? The movie doesn't come out for a while.
p5216
aVI was riding a horse and it's leg broke so I had to shoot it. I'm not allowed on the carousel anymore.
p5217
aVHow do crazy people go through the woods? They take the psychopath.
p5218
aVWhat's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture.
p5219
aVHow do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for fresh prints.
p5220
aVWhy does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
p5221
aVTwo cannibals are eating a clown. One looks to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
p5222
aVWhat famous pig signed the Declaration of Independence? John Hamcock!
p5223
aVWhat's red, white, blue and green? A seasick Uncle Sam!
p5224
aVWhat do Japanese men do when they have erections? They vote.
p5225
aVWhere can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
p5226
aVTwo antennas got married. The ceremony was so-so, but the reception was fantastic.
p5227
aVA grasshopper walks into a bar & the bartender goes "we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper goes "you have a drink named Kevin?"
p5228
aVSorry the hiatus folks.  We took a 2 month vacation to be serious.  We're back in full swing though.
p5229
aVTwo muffins are in an oven. One of 'em says, "Wow, it's really hot in here." The other one says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
p5230
aVWhat do gay horses eat? Heyyyyyyyyyyy!
p5231
aVI quit my job in the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
p5232
aVI was wondering why a frisbee looked bigger as it came closer, then it hit me.
p5233
aVWhat did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift!
p5234
aVDid you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field?
p5235
aVA Buddhist goes up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
p5236
aVI was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
p5237
aVA sandwhich walks into a bar and the bartender says sorry buddy white breads only.
p5238
aVA guy walks into a bar and says "ow"
p5239
aVWhy do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.
p5240
aVWhat did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. 
p5241
aVI used to own a motorcycle shop, but I had to sell it. I was always two tired.
p5242
aVA hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender goes "sorry we don't serve food here".
p5243
aVWhy was tigger's head in the toilet? He was looking for pooh! 
p5244
aVI got tired of taking it on the chin..so I started swallowing.
p5245
aVBalloon boy imma let you finish but Anne frank had the best attic hideout of all time.
p5246
aVThe last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
p5247
aVA blind guy was on Wheel of Fortune. He asked if he can buy an I.
p5248
aVI have a gay friend who works in construction. He works in a manhole.
p5249
aVI went on the lamb because i got tired of fucking the sheep.
p5250
aVI got a part in the movie cocaine. I only had one line.
p5251
aVI got a letter from Africa. I didn't open it...certified blackmail.
p5252
a.