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season3.csv
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name,line
Arlene," Mark? Mark! Mark, please ask your father if he wants a burger. I know, you're defending the free world, please ask your dad if he wants a burger."
Mark, Dad? [The boy keeps talking but we only hear the sound of static.] Dad? Mom wants to know if you want a burger.
Mark," Mom, I don't know what he wants, you ask him."
Arlene," You want a burger? [She mouths ""okay"" but we can again, only hear static.]"
Cuddy," The guy drove his wheelchair into a pool, House would love that!"
Wilson, He'll be bored. It's a great visual but it's diagnostically boring. What about post-hair transplant aphasia guy?
Cuddy," Infection throwing clots, House will shoot it down and call you an idiot."
Wilson," Oh, well we wouldn't want that."
Cuddy, What about yoga girl?
Wilson, Has a good hook.
Cuddy, Should we lead with it?
Wilson," His first day back, might want to flex his sarcasm muscle; maybe we open with one of the weaker pitches."
Cuddy, You ran here?
House, It's just... 8 miles.
Cuddy, Why did you...? [Holding the bottle of water.]
House," Why does a dog lick its ""ÔøΩ [He takes the water from her hand and starts to drink it. Yes he's just drinking her water.] workplace acceptable euphemism for testicles?"
Wilson, Because he can.
House, What have you got for me boss?
Cuddy, I thought you said you needed 8 weeks of rehab. You should have been back hereÔøΩ
House," [He puts down the water and picks up a file.] If I'd come back sooner, I'd only be able to run 6 miles. I nEver would have made it in. What have you got for me?"
Cuddy, You're completely pain free? The ketamine treatment can wear off.
House, It's been 2 months. It's not wearing off. What have you got for me? [He picks up one of the files and starts looking through it himself.]
Cuddy, It can take as long as--
House," Why are we having this discussion? Want to hear me thank you again? Thank you Dr Cuddy. Not just for removing the bullet, but thank you for putting me in a ketamine-induced coma and changing my life. Happy? I am."
Wilson, Middle-aged Man: had hair transplant about 2 months ago--
House," Infection throwing clots, you're an idiot. [Cuddy throws a smile at Wilson.] Except you're not an idiot, [House looks at Wilson and then Cuddy.] and she's holding a file for a 26-yr-old female, what have you really got for me?"
Cuddy," Girl was doing an inverted yoga pose, neck snapped, paralyzed from the neck down except the x-rays show no evidence of spinal injury. And she's cute."
House," Oh, well played sir! [He grabs the file off Cuddy but continues to read the one in his hands.] What about Stephen Hawking trying to do the 500 butterfly?"
Wilson," Forget it - brain cancer, brain surgery - there's nothing left to diagnose. I would take the other one."
House, Hmm... I'll take them both.
Wilson, You don't think he had brain cancer?
House, Of course he had brain cancer; Even oncologists don't screw up for 8 years.
Wilson, So if there's no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case?
House, Treatment can be interesting.
Wilson, Not to you.
House, I've changed.
Wilson," No, you haven't."
House," No, I haven't."
Wilson, Then why are you taking the case?
House, Guy tried to kill himself.
Wilson," The guy had cancer, he's a lump; he hasn't been able to touch his wife, speak to his kids."
House," He's been in that chair for 8 years, his muscles have atrophied. Maybe I can help him with the pain. Isn't that enough of a reason to want to help?"
Wilson, Not for you.
House, I've changed.
Wilson, No you haven't.
House, Then why am I taking this case? [He suddenly sprints ahead of Wilson and runs off.]
House, Let's start with the cute paraplegic.
Cameron, Welcome back!
Chase, Hey!
Cameron, You look...
Foreman, Healthy.
House," Quad with no broken neck, struck me as odd."
Cameron, Uhh... you could take a whole 2 minutes to ease into being back.
House," Taken a whole month to ease back, 8 weeks is the maximum rehab time for a gunshot wound to the stomach and neck. So, go. [He takes a drink from the fridge and starts drinking.]"
Cameron, We heard they nEver found the guy. There's no new leads?
House, What? You think he might have shot this Patient too? Would explain her symptoms!
Chase, Could be MS.
House, See? It's not so difficult.
House," It's not MS. She had no symptoms before she climbed on to her head. Unless she's been upside-down for the last 10 years, MS ain't it."
Foreman," Could be transverse myelitis, swelling in the disk choking off nerve function."
Chase, MRI's negative for that.
Cameron, The leg looks fine. You totally pain free?
House, When did this turn into 'what did you do over your summer vacation'?
Foreman, It's a little weird to discuss the case while you're staring at your blood on the floor.
Cameron, I asked Cuddy to replace the carpet.
House," No, I like the carpet. What did you do over the summer?"
Cameron, [Enthusiastically.] I--
House," Re-do the tests. [He walks away from her.] Let's see if the source of the pRoblem is in the limbs or the spine. Do an EMG. [The Ducklings prepare to walk out.] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Got a whole other quad to cover; this guy's still got fluid in his lungs."
Cameron, You don't think that's from the pool he drank?
House," Give him an O2 mask. His leg muscles have atrophied, tendons have shortened from disuse causing intense pain. Tendon surgery will make him more comfortable."
Chase, Comfortable? [Raised eyebrows from the Ducklings.]
House, Scoot.
Arlene, Thanks for being here.
House, Not a pRoblem.
Mark, My dad wouldn't kill himself.
House, You haven't spoken to him in over 6 years.
Mark, I know my dad.
Arlene," Mark, the doctor's just trying to--"
Mark, He wouldn't kill himself.
House, Fine. I'm wrong. You obviously have a better understanding of this Man who drools in front of your TV set 24 hours a day.
Arlene, Dr. House...
Mark," Look, he must have been confused. It must have been an accident."
House," Hope it was a suicide attempt. If he was trying to kill himself then he knows how miserable his life is, means there's still something there to kill; means your dad's still there."
Cameron," Sorry, need you."
Arlene, [Quietly.] Thank you. [She hugs her son.]
Cameron, We were doing the EMG but we nEver got past the insertion of the conduction pin. Did she just say thank you?
House, I loaned her some money. What went wrong?
Cameron, Nothing went wrong.
House, Nothing went wrong then something went right.
Cameron, You're not going to tell me why she thanked you?
House, You're not going to tell me what went right?
Cameron, You did something for which she is grateful and you're... embarrassed?
House," For you. Saw you coming up, thought you were a 14-yr-old boy, I set her straight."
Cameron," I'm not telling you what went wrong - or right, until you tell me why she said thank you. [She stands with hands on hips.]"
House," Ohhh, you got me. You know I need to know, I'm so going to fold. Except you're forgetting, there's one thing I can do now. [He casts a curious glance at something behind her, she turns to look and he quickly runs off, she laughs and follows.]"
Foreman, It's either that or a reflex response.
House, What happened?
Foreman," Ok, this is Dr. House. House, this is Caren--"
House," Pleasure's all mine, what happened?"
Chase," When we inserted the conduction pin, she flinched."
House, [To Cameron as she walks in.] She flinched! Did you hear?
Caren, Does that mean I'm getting better?
House, How big is a flinch? Bigger than a twitch? Smaller than a spasm? [Chase inserts the pin again so House can see the flinch.] You smoke?
Caren," Socially, a lot."
House, You do yoga and you smoke?
Caren, I know it's hypocritical but--
House," Not at all, the world sees your legs, no one's checking out your lungs. [He goes and checks out Caren's handbag.]"
Cameron, How would smoking cause--
House," It wouldn't, just needed a lighter. [He takes one out, goes to the bottom of Caren's bed, holds a foot in his hand and turns on the flames right under it. She screams and jerks her leg away and he stops.]"
Cameron, House!
Caren, My god!
House, [Gives the puppy dog eyes.] The case was looking so promising.
Caren," Hey, I'm not faking."
House," You moved, therefore you can move. Get this lunatic out of here before she bores again."
Caren, I'm not faking!
Wilson," I heard you were watParkng surgery with a Patient's family. Talking to a Patient's family. It's because of your hallucination, isn't it? After you were shot? You chose life; you decided you wanted meaning, so you took a case with no mystery. Something any doctor could do. A case with no upside except the satisfaction of helping another huMan being."
House, She thanked me.
Wilson, And... you felt nothing.
House, Wasn't Even sure what I was supposed to feel.
Wilson," It's like your leg, its atrophied. Keep working it, the feeling will come."
Cameron," Sorry, need you, again."
House, Told you to get rid of her.
Cameron," It's a good thing we didn't. Tightness in her chest, she can't breathe, it could be pleural effusion."
House, Right. Either that or she's holding her breath like a 4-yr-old.
House," Relax. I'm not going to burn you again. I'm going to STAB YOU! [He brings out the needle suddenly, trying to scare her. Caren continues gasping for breath.] Look, either you're faking, or you've got a pleural effusion - that's a build-up of fluid around the lungs which is very serious - and I would have no choice but to stab you in the back with this needle and suck all the fluid out of you. [Caren looks terrified, but continues gasping for breath.] So--"
Cameron, We should give her a local.
House, That would defeat the point of me being nasty. [He stands next to her with the needle.] Ready? [He raises his arm and pretends to strike until he notices a distended jugular vein on her neck.] Down.
Foreman, But she can't breathe if she's down.
House, Down!
Foreman, She can't breathe--
House," Down! Down, down, down! Come on! [He pushes her to lie flat on her back again before he spears the needle straight into her chest to the surprise of the Ducklings, and starts drawing out blood. Caren's breathing becomes easier.]"
Foreman, That's not a pleural effusion.
Cameron, PRoblem's in her heart.
House, Can't fake that.
Chase, Had to reliEve the pressure 3 times in the last 2 hours. So either we figure out what's causing blood to build up around her heart or I follow her around with the needle for the rest of her life.
Cameron," Echo was clean, no structural abnormalities."
Foreman, Could be an infectious process. TB?
Cameron, Or vasculitis would also explain the effusion.
House, But not the paralysis. Let's assume that she wasn't faking it.
Cameron," She moved, therefore she could move. She wasn't paralyzed."
House," Ehh... doesn't mean she was faking, could have been a delusion. Now, either she was faking, and coincidentally got a real cardiac pRoblem at the exact same time, or it's a delusion and the fake paralysis is a real neurological symptom."
Foreman, You're thinking vascular tumor on her spine?
Cameron, Her platelets are normal.
Chase," And she's been scanned up and down, it's all clean."
House," So, open her up, and find it. [He bounces the ball he normally plays with on Chase's head - to Chase's annoyance.]"
Foreman, So what do you want us to do? Start at her neck and just keep cutting down her spine until we stumble on something?
House, That should work. [He tosses the ball back to Chase before walking out the door.]
House, His heart rate's a little high.
Arlene, Should I be worried?
House, PRobably just means he's still in discomfort from the surgery. I'm going to up his morphine a little.
Arlene, You've been so nice to us.
House, That's the job.
Arlene," No, I mean all the other doctors, all they did was obsess on the... the cancer, the treatment, the damage... just trying to fix him. You're the first doctor that's Ever given a damn about the quality of his life."
House," His heart rate's come down, the morphine worked I was right."
Cameron, What a touParkng moment. That's why we become doctors. For those rare moments when our hearts are warm--
House, Would you like to get a drink?
Cameron, Are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?
House," No, I'm serious. I drink, you drink. We could do it at the same time, same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. I mean, if the answer's no that's cool but... [He waits for her response as they stop in front of the elevators.]"
Cameron," No, I... it's just... you're just coming off the surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and Even though last year's... [Frustrated sigh as House starts smiling smugly.] you're smiling! I'm saying no and you're smiling!"
House," Oh, don't take it personally. Its just coz you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did, when I couldn't walk and I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy, there's nothing in it for you."
Cameron, You are not healthy. [House continues smiling.] Cuddy wants to see you.
Cuddy, You've been back at work 24 hours and you're already playing hide and seek in a Woman's spine.
House, Who won the pool?
Cuddy," There's no tumor. Her platelets are normal, scans--"
House, What's the worst that can happen? I paralyze her. She won't Even notice.
Cuddy, Her Lawyers might. You're not doing the surgery. And lower the morphine on your other Patient.
House," [Sits down in the chair opposite Cuddy.] Fine, I'll lower it. If you'll let me do the surgery."
Cuddy, What? You want a trade? We're not swapping a couple of goats for your help putting up a barn.
House," You want something, I want something. We compromise. It's the grown-up way to resolve our differences."
Cuddy," There already is a mechanism for that. It's called the employer-employee relationship. I get what I want, and you don't."
Wilson, You tried to swap?
House," Ran a few more tests, came back negative, surgery's on. [The next grape he throws does land on the cleaner's head. House quickly and guiltily shuffles back out of view from below, leaving Wilson standing there alone. Wilson does an apologetic hand gesture and turns back to face House.]"
Wilson," You really don't give a crap, do you?"
House, Does that make me evil?
Wilson, Yeah.
House," The girl's life is at stake, what we're talking about with the guy--"
Wilson, What we're talking about is the reason you took the case; to help someone.
House, Too bad for them.
Wilson, Too bad for you. The reason we crave meaning is because it makes us happy. The first lEvel of happiness is--
Wilson, I'm not going away. [He immediately follows.]
Wilson, The fifth lEvel of happiness involves creation. Changing lives.
House, Sixth lEvel is heroin; sEventh lEvel is you going away.
Wilson," You're saving lives, which is tantamount to creating lives but all you're taking away from this, is the game. You don't have to listen to them thanking you, you don't have to change the cases you take or Even how you handle them. You just have to know that you made a difference."
Surgeon," House, you're not--"
House, I'm not an idiot. [To nurse.] Move.
Surgeon," House, leave her alone."
House," Close her up, you wanna know why?"
Surgeon, The room's no longer sterile.
House," True, it's not the most interesting reason. [He shows the Surgeon Caren's big toe which is has a very ugly cracking yellow nail, and the area around the nail looks bruised and bleeding.] That is not a sexy big toe. You'd nEver put that in your mouth."
Surgeon, What the hell has that got to do with--
House, Told you it was interesting; it gets Even better.
Caren, Scurvy?
Foreman, Yeah. Drink.
Caren, Like what sailors get when they don't eat right?
Foreman," Aye, aye. Your arms and leg tissues are choked with blood. Makes it hard to move. Also damages your hair and toenails."
Caren," But I'm on this great diet, lots of protein, lots of--"
Foreman, [Holds up another cup when she's finished with the old one.] No vitamin C. Now drink.
Caren, Well... thank you. And thank Dr House.
Foreman, Send him a note.
Arlene," The uh... nurse changed his morphine, I thought you were worried about--"
House, It's just post-op discomfort. He's ready to go home.
Arlene, So he won't have any pain?
House, Eventually.
Arlene, Thank you.
House, Everything else will be the same.
Arlene," Well, you took away his pain and that, that changes a lot."
House, Why don't you put him in some sort of... facility? Some place without a pool.
Arlene," Yeah. I could dump him there, except he's my husband. He's my son's father."
House, Right. Kids need a dad; someone to play catch with. Talk about girls.
Arlene, Mark's learned that you don't have to abandon someone just because--
House, Get a dog.
Arlene, I'm taking care of him for the same reason you helped us.
House, Some guy shot you and you hallucinated?
Arlene, I have a responsibility.
House," So he's just an anchor weighing you and your family down, sapping your energy, wasting your life - that's the meaning you take from this?"
Arlene, I want to take care of him.
House, You enjoy this?
Arlene, I can't abandon him.
House," So you don't want to take care of him. Taking care of him doesn't fulfill you, make you happy. But not taking care of him would make you miserable."
Arlene," Okay, here we go."
Arlene," I don't need your help, I've done this a million times."
House," Here, let me..."
House," Do that again, make that sound."
Arlene, What was that?
House, That... was talking.
House, You guys are lousy doctors. You're in such a rush to make the Patient feel better you forgot to check what was wrong.
Chase," Yoga girl walked out of here 2 hours ago, you fixed her."
House," Not her, the other guy."
Cameron, He had brain cancer; they removed it 8 years ago. His condition's been the same Ever since.
House," Until last night, he spoke."
Foreman, What'd he say?
House, Guhhhhhhh.
Chase, He grunted?
Cameron, You want us to dissect 8 years of medical history with grunting in the differential?
House, Sounds good. Call me when you're done.
Wilson, You're fabricating a mystery because you're bored.
House," I am not bored. [He attempts to do a trick where he pushes the skateboard down from the stone bench to the ground, while attempting to stay on it. He falls off.] Damn it."
Wilson, You didn't tell the wife it was only a grunt?
House," Of course not, because then she would nEver have consented to a bunch of dangerous tests. I don't remember you being this bitchy."
Wilson," The Vicodin dulled it, in the sober light of day I'm a buzz kill. You're giving false hope to a family that's been wrecked. Don't torture them, let it go, tell the wife it was only a grunt, tell her to go home."
House," Can't let her down like that, pumped her up with too much false hope. [He attempts the trick again and this time, he sticks on the skateboard.] Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I? [Wilson's only reaction is to look resigned.]"
Foreman," 2002, Patient had dry eyes."
Chase," Dry eyes plus a grunt, it all makes sense."
Foreman, He had neurological issues.
Cameron," I get hay fEver, I put drops in my eyes, I don't go to a neurologist."
Foreman, Dry eyes could indiCate an autonomic dysfunction; goes on the board.
Chase, What about coughing or boogers. Should we include boogers?
Foreman," I'm happy we're doing this, I'd much rather do this than lengthen some guy's tendon. Patient's headaches increased. Doc scanned his head, found a tumor."
Cameron, You like wasting your time?
Foreman, I'm learning.
Cameron, To do what? Reconsider solved cases because you don't want to deal with the real world? He's pushing when there's nothing.
Foreman," Cameron, you are an excellent doctor, you'll get lots of tearful thank yous from grateful Patients."
Cameron," Yeah, am I such a bitch for wanting that?"
Foreman," No, it's not a bad thing, but it's not why I'm here. I took this fellowship to learn from House."
Cameron, He's teaParkng you to be a masoParkst. [Foreman smiles.]
Chase," Dry eyes, goes on the board."
Foreman," In 8 years the Patient experienced 214 symptoms, Many of them repeating."
House, Any patterns?
Chase, FEver plus frequent urination could mean prostatitis.
Foreman, Or a urinary tract infection.
Chase," White count was normal, no infection."
Foreman," If you add pain into the mix, fEver, frequent urination could indiCate a kidney pRoblem."
House, I like it.
Chase," No, creatinine and BUN were both normal."
House," Not the kidney part, the pain part. Abdominal pain plus all that stuff could equal a pancreatic cyst."
Cameron," Perfect, you Managed to pick the one symptom he nEver had. Abdominal pain."
House, It's the first symptom on the board. Grunt.
Cameron, Grunting isn't pathognomonic for abdominal pain.
House," No, traditional diagnostic marker is compression of the diaphragm, vibration of the larynx leading to the audible sound 'I have a pain in my abdomen'."
Cameron, Richard's symptoms are culled from 8 years of medical history. They're not patterned. These are random individual Events over time.
House, Illnesses have incubation periods. Do an upper endoscopic ultrasound.
Foreman," His throat will collapse, muscle degeneration in his neck won't tolerate the scope, it's an automatic trach!"
House, You're talking about him like he's an invalid.
Chase," Yeah, we're insensitive."
House," Does he drool? Can he hold his neck straight? Does he choke on his food? His neck's fine, his throat's not going to collapse. Cameron, get consent from the wife."
Chase," Open. [No response. Chase has to pry Richard's jaw open and spray the sedative into the back of the throat.] I need you to swallow. [Again no response; Chase closes the Patient's mouth and squeezes his nose, forcing him to swallow.] Sorry about that. Here we go. [He starts feeding the scope into Richard's mouth.] Passing through the lower esophageal sphincter into the atrium of the stomach. [He turns on the ultrasound.] There's the tail of the pancreas."
Foreman, Looks clean.
Chase," Moving medially, the body and the head of the pancreas look clean."
Foreman," Get it out, get it out!"
Chase," It's stuck, I can't move it. His throat's collapsed. [Alarms start beeping and Foreman quickly gets the equipment to do a tracheotomy.]"
Foreman, Vitals all over the place. We're losing him.
Chase, Cutting.
Chase," We trached him, endoscopically removed the pRobe and he's breathing again. So, all in all, great idea."
House, Get a look at the pancreas before the world ended?
Foreman, It was clean.
Cameron," Which means barring anything else, meaning you, he can go home tomorrow."
House, This Man nearly died. How can you discharge him?
Cameron, His throat collapsed because of what we predicted.
Foreman," You stick something down someone's throat, they gag, spasm, which he did. It took us a half an hour to get that thing out."
House," Except that our Patient's throat was sedated. Which means the brain should have sent a signal not to do anything. This could be cancer, or some bizarre neuro-degeneration, Even a new type of vasculitis--"
Cameron, Stop it. [She stands up and stands in his way so he can't skateboard past her.] You're enjoying this.
House, I find it interesting.
Cameron, It's interesting only if you're right; if you're wrong we're torturing this guy to amuse you.
House, [Turns to Foreman.] Half hour to remove the pRobe? [Foreman nods.]
Cameron, House.
House," It's not a spasm. His throat didn't collapse, it locked down. Brain is supposed to tell Every muscle in the body to relax and contract at the same time, this muscle was only contracting which means a signal from the brain was not getting through."
Foreman," There are no lesions on his brain, nothing to interrupt the new orders."
House, All it takes is one wire down.
Foreman, You have no evidence of any wires down.
House," A few micro-tumors on the meninges, suddenly you're choking to death."
Chase, You want to look at the lining of his brain? The amount of contrast material you need to pump up there just to see it--
Foreman, He will bleed into his brain!
House," No, he won't."
Cameron, Because that wouldn't be interesting. You can get permission this time.
House, The brain is enclosed in a sac called the meninges--
Arlene, Does this mean that the cancer's back?
House," No, no, no, no."
House," If we found cancer, it wouldn't be the original cancer. It'd be new."
Arlene," So what, more surgery? More radiation?"
House, Might not be the worst thing. If this isn't just ancient history then maybe it's something we can correct. Might Even get some brain function back.
Arlene, He could get better?
Cameron, No!
House, But understanding what you're saying would be nice. Maybe you can figure out ways to communiCate.
Arlene, Thank God he spoke to you. [She takes the consent form from him and is about to sign it.]
Cameron," Mrs. McNeil, the test to do this is very risky. He could die."
Arlene, He's already dead. [She signs the form.]
Foreman," Chase, go slow."
Chase," Already injected it into his spinal canal. Next stop, his brain. [Richard is sent into the MRI maParkne.]"
Foreman, Contrast material entering into the fourth ventricle. No parenchymal bleeds.
Chase, Blood pressure's high. But it's holding.
Foreman," Meninges are intact, no bleeding."
Chase," Oh, God. Foreman, get in here! [Richard has been bleeding out of his ear.]"
Chase, Surgeon repaired the CSF leak.
Cameron, You're lucky he didn't die.
House, I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.
Cameron, We told you he'd hemorrhage.
House," Told me he'd bleed into his brain, not out of his ear."
Cameron, You've got to drop this.
House, We're missing something.
Foreman," We did a dangerous test and something bad happened, that's all this is."
House," [Gets off the stool and starts looking at the scans up close.] Give me a tour of the brain, Foreman. Walk me through the scans. 1998, what happened?"
Foreman, 5 cm grade 4 astrocytoma between the parietal--
House," Nothing. Next, a speck on the superior temporal region."
Foreman," It's a regrowth, benign."
House, Star thingy next to the Rathke cleft.
Chase, Scar tissue from the biopsy.
Cameron," House Every speck is not a suspect, its years of surgeons digging around in his head. Let him go."
House, Re-do Every blood test he's Ever had. Re-scan his head.
Cameron," No. [House turns around to look at her.] He's been sick and suffering for 8 years, I'm not going to help you make it worse; I'm not going to help you make it interesting."
House," That's ok, Foreman's better at that stuff than you are. We need 5mm cuts through the occipital and hypothalamic regions."
Foreman, No.
Chase," How Many millimeters? [House looks at Cameron like, 'this is why he's bee around longer than anyone else.']"
House, I can help him.
Cuddy, That's it? That's your argument?
House, Seems like a good one.
Cuddy," If I thought for a second you wanted to help him, you'd have carte blanche. You're doing this because it's fun."
House, Does nobody in this hospital have anything better to talk about than my motives? My motives have nothing to do with the case.
Cuddy, Your motives have Everything to do with your judgment.
House," For the first time in years I've got no opiates in my body, now you question my judgment."
Cuddy," 24 times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Only you nEver say those words, you say something like his pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire! You come here with medicine, not with platitudes."
House, I didn't want to bore you with the details.
Cuddy," There are no details, you've a hunch. House, you don't use hunches, you always have reasons. This hospital doesn't exist for your whims. I'm sorry. As of 7 am tomorrow morning, I'm sending your Patient home."
Wilson, The answer's no. Cuddy called 30 seconds after you left and said you'd try an end around.
House, My leg hurt.
Wilson, [Looks up suddenly.] How bad?
House, Enough that I'm telling you.
Wilson, Did it go away?
House, Ached for a while. First time I felt anything there since the surgery.
Wilson, But it went away?
House," It was muscular, it was some cramping. [Wilson smiles.] What are you smiling about?"
Wilson," You're 40 something years old, you've been running God knows how Many miles a day, fallen a hundred times off that skateboard and you're shocked to have some soreness?"
House, Just give me a prescription.
Wilson," For Vicodin? House, people get aParkng joints, cramps, they put on an ice pack, they take some ibuprofen."
House, I know what the pangs of middle age feel like.
Wilson," No, you don't, because you've been stuffing vicodin Every 5 minutes since you turned middle age."
House, The surgery didn't work.
Wilson, Don't play me.
House, You think this is a scam?
Wilson," I think you want me to feel sorry for you and either do the end around on Cuddy or give you the drugs. [He takes his pad of prescription slips and puts it away in a drawer under his desk deliberately to make his point.] Either way, you get the high you think you need. [House resignedly is about to leave the room.] House, your surgery worked, you're fine. It's just going to take time for it to feel good."
House, [Whispered.] Come on. [He gestures for her to open her window so he can talk to her.]
House," Circumventricular system sends his cytokines, releasing the early stages of the immune response but CDOS releases prostaglandins that reset the hypothalamic set point upward, unless it's countered by antipyretic therapy. [He's panting as he says this obviously having run to Cuddy's House.] So yeah, his brain's on fire. The suicide attempt was not a suicide attempt; he drove that wheelchair into the pool because he couldn't regulate his body temperature. He had hypothalamic dysregulation."
Cuddy, And you discovered this when you stepped into the university pool? [She fetches him a towel and hands it through the window.]
House, Fountain. I can cure him.
Cuddy," Cure him? Even if the fountain proved anything, fixing hypothalamic dysregulation isn't going to regenerate brain."
House," No, but if the scar tissue on his hypothalamus is resting against the pituitary, the adrenals would shut down. Addison's disease."
Cuddy," You didn't see any scar tissue on his MRI, his CT scan--"
House, His brain is functional.
Cuddy, His temperature's normal. There is nothing wrong with his hypothalamus or his pituitary!
House, I can make him walk! I can make him talk!
Cuddy, This is a wild guess! That came to you because you were! sweating.
House," Inject him with cortisol. The guy will have sex with his wife again, he'll hug his kid again. Hopefully that's the combination he was using, it'd be a shame if I'd cured a pedophile. [Cuddy smiles despite herself.] You're smiling, that's a bad sign."
Cuddy, [She nods.] You're high.
House," I told you, I haven't had anything in 3 months."
Cuddy, This is as high as you get. A theory that ties your case up in a neat little bow but you don't have a lick of substantiating proof.
House," [Sighs.] Your decision doesn't make any sense. There is no risk to a cortisol injection. If I'm wrong, big deal. He goes home a vegetable like he already is, but if I'm right--"
Cuddy," This isn't about downsides or risk Management. It is a big deal for you to understand the word no! I'm sorry, House. [She shuts her window and draws her curtains again, leaving House alone still outside her window.]"
Wilson, He's on his way out of here. Figure you'd be on your scooter racing down the halls to stab the Patient in the neck with cortisol.
House, She was right to say no. I had no objective reason to think that I was right. Just needed the puzzle.
Cuddy, Hold on a sec. [They stop.]
Arlene, Everything alright?
Cuddy," Yeah, it's just something I forgot. [She quickly takes out a needle and a piece of cotton swab. She tugs Richard's shirt down at his shoulder, swabs the skin and takes the needle out.]"
Mark, What's that?
Cuddy," This is cortisol [She injects it into Richard quickly.] and it's to fight infection. [She finishes, and then gestures to Arlene to keep holding the shirt down.] Want to hold on to that? Just put a bandage on it."
Mark, Is he ok?
Cuddy, [Softly.] Yes.
Arlene, Can we go now?
Cuddy, You can go.
Arlene, Excuse me. [To the person coming out of the elevator.]
Arlene, Richard! Richard...
Mark," Dad, you ok?"
Arlene, Richard? Richard! Richard!
Arlene," Richard... you're... you're standing. [Richard makes a happy sound in response, nodding at what she said.]"
Arlene, [To Cuddy.] Thank you.
Cuddy, He got up. I have to go tell House.
Wilson," No. Cuddy, you can't tell him."
Cuddy, I have to tell him. He was right!
Wilson, Why did you do it? Why did you think he might be right?
Cuddy, Because he's House?
Wilson," Medically, what made you think he was right?"
Cuddy, Nothing.
Wilson," He got lucky, that's all that happened. Telling him no was a good thing because next time he won't get lucky, he'll kill someone. Just because he was right doesn't mean he wasn't wrong."
Cuddy," I see him Every day, I can't just..."
Wilson, Everybody lies.
Clancy, Mom! I'm thirsty.
Mom, I just gave you water.
Clancy, I want juice.
Mom, It's bedtime. Close your eyes and go to sleep. [She leaves.]
Clancy, Mom! [His dad opens the door.]
Dad," What do you want, Clance?"
Clancy," Oh. Hi, Dad."
Dad, Go to bed.
Clancy, Can I turn the TV on?
Dad, TV is only for the day.
Clancy, I'll keep the volume down; I just like the light.
Dad, Go to bed.
Clancy," Dad, what if! [Whispers.] what if they come to get me again?"
Dad," Nobody is coming to get you, okay? Go to bed, now. [Clancy puts on his glasses ""ÔøΩ making him look like a little Harry Potter ""ÔøΩ and turns on the TV, with the sound off. It starts to change channels without him doing anything. Then, things start to fall off the shelves, and a bright light and strong wind flies through his shutters. He screams.]"
Dad," Come on Clancy, it's time to get up. [Clancy is no where to be found.] I guess he's already up."
Mom," Well, that's a first."
Dad," I'll, uh, I'll see if he needs breakfast. Hey, Clance, you hungry? [Mom goes and turns off the TV.] Hon, he's not down here!"
Mom," You sure? Clancy? Clancy? Clancy! Where are you? Sweetie, are you hiding? [The parents start to search throughout the House.]"
Dad, Clancy!
Mom, Where is he?
Dad, Clancy!
Mom, Clancy!
Dad, You're going to be in big trouble when I find you!
Mom," Honey, come out right now! WherEver you are, this is not funny!"
Dad, Clance!
Mom," Clancy! [The shot widens to Clancy, lying on the grass outside, with a large bloodstain on the back of his pants.]"
Wilson, Ah. Where's the sweat and the B.O? You've taken such pride bathing us in your personal musk.
House, Showered at home.
Cuddy, And yet you're earlier than usual.
House," Is this an intervention? It's a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, howEver, still hooked on phonics."
Cuddy, If you still did your morning run and showered at home you'd be later than usual.
House, Thought of you in the shower.
Cuddy, How's your leg? You seem to be favoring your left side.
House, I was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday. Makes all the difference in the world. [Gets into the elevator.]
Wilson, You've taken the stairs Every day.
House, Do I need a restraining order?
Cuddy," You slack on your rehab, the muscle will weaken, and your leg will hurt again. [House closes the elevator door.]"
Wilson, Looks like the ketamine treatment might not stick.
Cuddy, Or maybe we've made him depressed because we're lying to him. Telling him he got that case wrong.
Wilson," We didn't hurt him. The pain isn't ""ÔøΩ"
Cuddy," He gets depressed, he stops exercising. He stops exercising, the muscle atrophies. The muscle atrophies, the pain returns."
Wilson, Maybe he stops exercising because the giant hole in his leg actually hurts.
Cuddy," The ketamine could work perfectly and he would still be back on his cane, popping Vicodin again."
Wilson," You can't tell him. He got lucky; there was no medical ""ÔøΩ"
Cuddy, He was right!
Wilson," We tell him he was right, and we're feeding his addiction. Without Vicodin, he's only got one to focus on."
Cuddy," Well, he's not going to OD on puzzles."
Wilson," No, it's not going to hurt HIM. But he could just as easily have killed that Patient. We have a tiny window of time here where House may be healthy enough to change and, based on that limp, the window's closing fast."
Chase," Kid is a product of an in vitro fertilization pregnancy. Had all his vaccinations, fractured his right ulna at age three, Parkcken pox at age five ""ÔøΩ"
House," He Ever get his feelings hurt? I'll need to know that, too."
Foreman," You are 0 for 1 since you came back. You just want to make sure ""ÔøΩ"
Cameron," Rectal bleeding plus alien abduction fantasy is most likely sexual abuse. Penetration causes the bleed, trauma causes the fantasy."
Foreman," ER ran a rape kit, found no evidence of tearing, semen, or pubic hairs."
Chase, Maybe we should talk to the kid.
House," Why, in case he's telling the truth? You're a beliEver, aren't you?"
Chase," Well, I'm just not arrogant enough to think that of the 50 billion galaxies, 100 billion stars per galaxy, and 10 million billion planets in the universe that we're the only ones with life."
House, No. But I'm guessing we're the only ones who like shoving things through our back doors.
Foreman, There is new research indicating a link between neurological pRoblems and bleeding disorders.
House, Perfect. Especially if there were neurological pRoblems.
Foreman," What part of ""hallucinating an alien abduction""ÔøΩ isn't neurological?"
House," Well, why is that a hallucination?"
Chase," What? You think the kid ""ÔøΩ"
House," He's having nightmares. Nightmares aren't a symptom of anything, other than wanting to sleep with Mommy. Which just leaves us with one symptom: the bloody tuchas, which can easily be explained by a GI pRoblem or a bleeding disorder. Check his coags with PT, PTT, and bleeding time. And prep him for endoscopies from above and below."
Chase," We're going to make a tiny nick in your forearm, okay? And we're going to time how long it takes for you to stop bleeding. Now, this is going to sting a little, so you might want to look the other way. [Chase nicks him and put the scalpel down.]"
Clancy, Are those windows locked?
Chase," Those windows don't Even open, they're just here to let sunshine in."
Clancy," Good, 'cause they know I'm here."
Mom," Clancy, don't bother the doctor with this stuff."
Chase," No, it's okay. How do they know you're here?"
Clancy, They put a Parkp in my neck so they can keep track of me. I can feel it back there.
Mom," Clancy, you know there is nothing back there."
Clancy, There is!
Chase, Let me see. Lean forward.
Clancy," And they have this other thing, and they put it in between these two ribs, always on this side, and then they move it around my insides. It hurts."
Chase," You know what, Clancy? I think I might have found the Parkp back there. And I think I might be able to get it out."
Clancy, Really?
Chase," Mm hmm. [Quick wink to the parents.] Okay, lean forwards. Now hold very still, okay? [He picks at Clancy's neck with some tweezers.] Got it!"
Clancy," I'm sEven, not three. All you did was pinch my neck."
Chase, Sorry.
Chase," His alien abduction story! the lEvel of detail is... I don't know where he gets it from. The parents say he doesn't watch sci-fi, he doesn't read comic books ""ÔøΩ"
House, Great! You do any of that medical stuff we talked about?
Foreman, Upper and lower endoscopies were clean.
House, So it's a simple bleeding disorder.
Chase," No, blood tests were all normal. And he clotted in six minutes."
House, So it's a simple bleeding disorder and you screwed up the test.
Chase, I didn't screw up the test!
House," So it's a UFO, unidentified flowing orifice. Either you screwed up the test, or I screwed up my analysis of this case. If you screwed up, I don't have to cry myself to sleep. It's a simple bleeding disorder. Foreman, redo the test."
Chase, How could I screw up a simple bleeding time test?
Foreman, Maybe you were abducted; lost time.
Foreman, Kid's got a bleeding disorder.
House, You sure?
Foreman, Had to stop the bleeding myself after 25 minutes.
House, So you're saying Chase did screw up.
Chase, Or Foreman screwed up.
Foreman, Big hand points to minutes. Maybe you got them mixed up?
House," Oh, snap! Foreman's playing the dozens; you're at a cultural disadvantage here. Take a few minutes to think up a witty retort."
Cameron, So we have contradicting bleeding time tests. If we run labs to check his clotting factors we can confirm which one's right.
House," Yeah, testing, nice idea. Way better than trying to guess which doctor's incompetent. Much better than the paperwork, too."
Chase," [Who really has been thinking up a retort.] Hey, Foreman. Your momma's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up. [And! no. Denied.]"
Chase, Where's Clancy?
Mom," He's asleep, he's ""ÔøΩ"
Chase, House! Clancy's gone missing.
House," Oh, no! Well, you take Alpha Centauri, Foreman can look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive! We'll nEver catch him."
Chase, Clancy?
Clancy," I had to go where there was no windows, so I could get the Parkp out, like you said!"
Chase," Oh, God."
Clancy," I can feel it, I just can't grab it ""ÔøΩ"
Chase," Clancy, stop! There is no Parkp! We're going to clean you up, and we're going to go back to your room. You can't do things like this. Your parents! [Chase stops, because he sees something shiny through the blood.]"
House, Results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. They said it might not Even be terrestrial.
Chase, Really?
House," No, you idiot! It's titanium. Like from a surgical pin, like the kind the kid had inserted into his broken arm four years ago, nice medical history."
Chase," That pin was removed six months after ""ÔøΩ"
House," So what, a little piece broke off during removal."
Chase," Titanium is used to build nuclear subs, pieces don't just break off."
House, Tell that to the guys on the Kursk.
Chase, And how exactly did it get from his arm to the back of his neck?
Foreman," Body attacks any foreign object. Inflammatory reaction could have eroded into a vein, fragment gets a free ride."
Chase," To his lungs, maybe. Not his neck."
House, Yeah. An alien Parkp makes more sense. The real mystery is you didn't actually screw up. [He stumbles.]
Cameron, You okay?
House," Fine. I tripped. Kid carved a hole in the back of his neck, apparently didn't bleed to death. Now that's weird."
Foreman, He clotted on his own?
House," Sure did. So first there was no bleeding disorder, then there was, now there's not again."
Cameron, Which is impossible.
Chase, Or Foreman screwed up. Two out of three tests agree with my findings.
House," Lucky for us, the fourth test will be the charm."
Mom," So you're just going to keep cutting him, until what?"
Foreman, This test is different. We'll draw some blood and see if any clotting factors are low or missing.
Dad," But why haven't the other tests ""ÔøΩ"
Chase, We've had three results that haven't been consistent. One of them must be wrong.
Foreman, Or two of them. [They look at each other.]
Mom," Is it possible the pRoblem isn't his blood? It's just psychological? I mean, he almost killed himself."
Chase, He wasn't trying to hurt himself.
Mom," No, he was just looking for an alien tracking device."
Cameron, I have time for one more.
Brenda," I don't blame you for spending extra time down here. Heard the Artist-Formerly-Known-as-Gimp is back upstairs. [Cameron tries to take it a chart off the counter.] Oh, Dr. Cuddy wants that one."
Cameron," She's busy, I'll take it. [Cameron enters the exam room and sees Richard, the Patient from last week.] Oh, my God! You're, uh, you're okay!"
Richard, Have we met?
Cameron, I was one of your doctors. You were in a vegetative state when you left here last week.
Richard," Addison's disease. All I needed was cortisol, and my brain turned on like a switch."
Cameron, This is amazing!
Richard, Surprised you didn't know.
Cameron, How would I know?
Richard," Not quite my old self yet. Baby steps, the doctors tell me."
Cameron," With rehab you'll do great. What hospital did you go to? How would I ""ÔøΩ"
Richard, I want to have sex with my wife.
Cameron, Oh.
Richard," And I was hoping that maybe you could ""ÔøΩ"
Cameron, Viagra. You're here for Viagra?
Richard, A bucketful would be nice. [He grins. Cuddy enters; Richard stands with aid of walker.] Dr. Cuddy! Hi!
Cameron, It's completely unethical!
Cuddy, He was reckless with a Patient.
Cameron, He was right!
Cuddy, But he didn't know that. He needs at least some glimmer of humility.
Cameron, Why does he need that? Because other people have that? Why does he need to be like other people?
Cuddy, He needs to be less reckless.
Cameron," Well, you did it. He's dismissing symptoms, looking for easy solutions, he's in pain!"
Cuddy, How much pain?
Cameron," Why? You know this is affecting him, don't you?"
Cuddy, Telling him that he got his last case right won't do anything to help him.
Cameron, It'll make him less depressed.
Cuddy, Which might not help his leg.
Cameron, But you don't know!
Cuddy," Just let me run a PET scan on his parietal thalamic area to see if it's sensing pain. If it is, the ketamine isn't working anymore and he's headed for a huge crash. If it's not, the leg pain is my fault and I will tell him the truth."
Chase, Too tight?
Clancy, My parents think I'm crazy.
Chase," No, they don't. They're just worried about you, that's all."
Clancy, I'm not weird! It's just that weird things keep happening to me.
Chase, Slight pinch.
Clancy," If you make me better, do you think the aliens will leave me alone?"
Chase, I don't think they're going to be bothering you for much longer.
Clancy, You lying again?
Chase," No. We figure this out, and Everything's going to be okay. [As Chase draws blood, Clancy sees his arm turn white and his veins green. He begins to have trouble breathing.] Still with us? [Now Chase's hands look like they belong to an alien. The monitors beep.] Pulmonary edema, stage two hypertensive crisis!"
Mom, What is happening?
Chase, Wait outside! Get him oxygen and start him on an IV drip of sodium nitroprusside. Get them outside!
Chase," He's in ICU, systolic is hovering around 170, I left instructions to lower it slowly so we don't risk hypoperfusing his organs."
House," Tradeoff being that leaving his blood pressure that high risks stroke, MI, and blindness."
Chase, I'm open to suggestions.
House," Solve the case. Kidneys could ""ÔøΩ"
Chase, Kidneys are clean. [They enter the lab.]
House, [Fingers crossed.] Tell me he's a mutant huMan hybrid.
Foreman, It is a bleeding disorder. Clancy tested positive for von Willenbrand's.
Chase, I didn't screw up. How could he clot on his own two out of three times?
Cameron, Maybe he cheated.
Chase, Right. Kids always cheat on their bleeding time tests.
House," She was being metaphorical. Trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking."
Cameron," I meant, he's clotting right now and he's in hypertensive crisis. Maybe the two are related. What if he was hypertensive the other two times that he clotted?"
House, Hypertensive crisis can activate clotting factors. Even someone low on von Willenbrand's could theoretically clot.
Chase, And the first time Clancy clotted he was all worked up recounting his alien abduction; he could have easily have been hypertensive.
House, I know I get worked up when I cut microParkp tracking implants out of my neck.
Cameron, Sounds like a cheat to me.
House," Yeah, we get it. Okay, what's the differential for a sEven-year-old boy suffering multiple hypertensive crises?"
Chase, We think the pRoblem is in your son's heart. We need to do a procedure called a transesophageal echo.
Dad," Okay, and that will fix his heart?"
Chase," That will tell us where the pRoblem is. Hopefully. Then we can fix him. Listen, this isn't really part of my job, but! he's worried that you think he's crazy."
Mom," Well, isn't he?"
Chase," There are still plenty of other explanations for what's going on. It's important he knows you beliEve in him, Even if you don't."
Foreman," It's clean, his heart isn't the pRoblem."
House, Why don't I have hi-def in my office? I'm a department head!
Chase, There are no structural defects.
Cameron, Valves are intact.
House, Tissue characterization is impossible when the pixels are the size of Legos.
House," See, this is what I'm talking about. Foreman, you've got to steal this thing for me."
Foreman, Let me ring up one of the homies.
Chase," The clearer the image, the clearer it is that there are no masses, no clots, no tears. The pRoblem's got to be somewhere else."
House, We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Foreman," You're wrong, House."
Chase, Think he'll make us break into the IMAX before he admits it?
House, There.
Foreman, Where?
House," Right there. Left side, no movement. [Cameron freezes the shot.] Well, don't freeze it! Something's not moving, how do you see something not move if nothing's moving? [She restarts it.] I need the laser pointer."
Cameron, We don't have a laser pointer.
House," Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer? Right here! [He jumps to point at the spot on the screen; as he lands he grimaces and clutches at his leg.] A few thousand myocytes not beating with the rest."
Chase, So you found an arrhythmia.
House," That's not an arrhythmia, that's a no-rhythmia. Myocytes contract, these aren't moving at all. Go get me those myocytes; I want to talk to them in my office."
Cuddy, How's the kid doing?
House," Heart nearly exploded. Still beating, though. Most of it, anyway. Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click, ""Yes, I am 18""ÔøΩ? Even a 17-year-old can figure that out."
Cuddy, What's going on with the leg?
House," First, tell me what's going on with the boobs."
Cuddy," If you're feeling pain ""ÔøΩ"
House, They're firmer.
Cuddy, It's called an underwire. I want to get a PET scan of your brain.
House, I think it's hormones.
Cuddy," As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus ""ÔøΩ"
House, Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.
Cuddy," -- Then the pain can be good. It could be muscle regenerating. After you work out, you get sore. Pain doesn't mean the ketamine failed."
House, Guess I should be saying 'mazel tov.' Who gets to pass out the cigars?
Cuddy, I'm not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain.
House, Boy or girl? You got a name picked out?
Cuddy, I'm not pregnant!
House, My leg doesn't hurt.
Cuddy, You're in denial!
House," No, I'm not! Oh, you got me. If I thought my leg was deteriorating, don't you think I'd want to take steps to prEvent that?"
Cuddy, [Sighs.] Okay. [House's beeper beeps.]
House," Gotta go. [As he leaves, he fake stumbles. Cuddy helps him up; He gives her a look with a ""ha"".]"
Chase," Here's Clancy's DNA, and here's the DNA from the piece of that heart we just biopsied. [They don't match.]"
House, That is impossible. Run it again.
Foreman, We already did. And once more after that.
Cameron, The genes from Clancy's myocytes don't match the genes from the rest of his body.
Chase, Alien DNA.
House, Anybody watch any X-Files that inspired an explanation?
Foreman, There are ways DNA could become mutated. Extreme UV radiation.
House," That much sun, he'd be dying with a healthy bronze glow."
Cameron, Nitrous acid or ethidium bromide exposure.
House," So first Daddy was a rapist, now he's a chemist."
Chase, Various species of fungus have been proven mutagenic.
House," Not unless the kid's been eating barrels of celery or living in Indonesia, or both. [While this is going on, House has limped from the whiteboard to lean over the table.]"
Cameron, Is your leg hurting?
House, Is that question helping?
Cameron, You're leaning.
House, You're sitting.
Cameron, You're evading.
House," My head's hurting. Please, someone give me a plausible, terrestrial explanation for this kid's alien DNA."
Foreman," We could search his home for toxins, fungals, and radiation."
Chase," Who cares what caused it? A kid comes in with strep, we don't conduct a search to see which classmate he got it from; we cure it. We know he's got this stuff inside of him; let's get a scalpel and cut it out."
Cameron, Where do we cut? Chances are it's not just in his heart.
Foreman," Well, we got lucky with the heart. Myocytes contract, we can see that these weren't working. I don't know how the hell we're going to find it anywhere else."
Cameron, What if we find the heart cells with the bad DNA and we tag them?
House, Can you phrase that in the form of a metaphor?
Cameron," It's the same way we search for cancer. The bad DNA creates a unique protein on the surface of the affected cells. We create an antibody that recognizes only that protein and we flush it throughout his system, and the similar cells light up like light bulbs."
House," Okay, let's do that."
Cameron, You have to tell him.
Cuddy, He said he wasn't in any pain.
Cameron, He's lying.
Wilson, Of course he's lying.
Cuddy, We need another plan.
Wilson, Don't talk about it that way.
Cuddy, What way?
Wilson, Plan. Sounds like we're conspiring against him.
Cameron, I'm going to tell him.
Wilson," No, you're not."
Cameron," Then come up with a cunning plan, and fast. [She stalks off.]"
Cuddy, She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is.
Clancy, What's this maParkne do?
Chase, Makes a lot of noise and it's going to help us figure out what's wrong with you.
Foreman, You think House has lost his step?
Cameron," He's fine. There ""ÔøΩ clump of affected cells in the bone marrow of the femur. Explains the intermittent bleeding disorder."
Foreman, 'Cause I don't need to subject myself to House's torture if there's no upside.
Cameron," I'm telling you, he's fine. We missed some affected areas in his heart, explains the continuing hypertensive issues."
Foreman," You said the last case really threw him, and now suddenly""ÔøΩ"
Cameron, I was wrong.
Foreman, So you changed your mind? Why? His brilliant ideas in this case have all been yours.
Cameron," There's the reason for him needing glasses, apparently it's a symptom. Means the condition predates ""ÔøΩ"
Foreman, You don't change your mind without a reason. What do you know?
Cameron," House didn't blow the last case. Cuddy cured the guy using House's idea. Cuddy and Wilson are trying to teach him some humility. Scan is complete. 3 hot spots but nothing in his brain. House's original theory was right ""ÔøΩ it is not neurological."
Dad, Is he going to be able to walk?
Chase, His leg should be functional after some rehab.
Mom," Functional? What does that mean, he'll be able to walk, but not run? He'll have a limp?"
Chase," If Everything goes well he'll walk, he'll run; he'll pRobably be Even stronger than he is now. When we close him up, we'll move over to his other leg, snake a catheter up through the femoral artery, and into his heart. [CG shot of this being done.] Once the affected areas are removed, his normal tissue will step back in and do its job. He should have no more pRoblems with his blood pressure. After confirming those areas are clear, we'll start our final procedure. We're going to insert a needle through the pupil and get rid of the abnormal cells in the retina."
Chase, Close your right eye. Can you see my face?
Clancy, Yeah! It's clear!
Chase," You can throw away your glasses. We got it all. Get some sleep, you're going home tomorrow."
Clancy, Thank you. [Polite kid.]
Wilson, You want to go for a run?
House, What do you want?
Wilson, I want you to run. [He throws House a bottle of Vicodin.]
House, When did you become an enabler?
Wilson," I'm enabling you to exercise. Vicodin blocks the pain, you get through your rehab, muscle strength increases, and pain decreases."
House, I'd rather not become dependant on pain pills to get through my day. [He throws them back.]
Wilson," You're just like any other Patient ""ÔøΩ running away from knowledge that won't make you happy."
House, I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Wilson, You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a tortuous window of the good life.
House, What part of poop didn't you understand?
Wilson, How can you be so sure it isn't just a sore muscle?
House, It's my leg. We've known each other a long time.
Wilson," You're not always right, House. You've proven that lately."
Mom, What's happening to him?
Chase, He's seizing. I need clonazepam!
Dad, I thought you got it all!
Chase," [Under his breath.] Yeah, yell at me, that'll fix the kid."
Cameron, Obviously we missed some foreign tissue. There's something still in him.
Foreman," The hallucinations and seizures indiCate pRoblems in the temporal lobe. Sorry, House, it is neurological. Looks like you're wrong, again."
Chase, We didn't miss anything. Brain scan was completely clean.
House, Our tag must not have penetrated the blood-brain barrier. Don't use an IV this time; get it right into the brain.
Cameron, No cells are lighting up. His brain is clean. It is not neurological.
Foreman, His symptoms are neurological; his condition has to be neurological!
Cameron," His scan was clean, twice! It's not there! [House sits making them pause.]"
House," What if it is there but didn't show up on the scan? What if the tag just doesn't work in his brain? Brain cells are structurally different, express a different protein."
Chase, So how are we going to find it? [House walks away.]
Cameron, Where are we going?
House, I am going to think.
House, Send the kid home.
Cameron, What do you mean?
House, Make sure his blood pressure's stabilized and send him home.
Chase, Like nothing Ever happened?
House," We cured his bleeding disorder, removed all the damaged cells we could find."
Chase," We don't know that we fixed anything, it's only been a day. Maybe these symptoms come and go like the blood disorder."
House, It's more pRobable that his remaining symptoms are just a nightmare.
Foreman, He had a convulsion.
House," May be epilepsy, may be psychological, may be nothing. If the kid gets sick again it'll give us another clue, we can start searParkng again. If he doesn't, it doesn't matter. Send him home."
Cuddy, House! You're just giving up on this kid?
House, You've got to know when to stop.
Cuddy," You don't stop, you nEver stop, you just keep on going until you come up with something so insane that it's usually right."
House, Except on my last case.
Cuddy, Don't be pathetic. Just forget the last case. This kid obviously has something wrong with him.
House," When did you dEvelop such strong opinions about my Patients? Last week you were convinced that my Patient wasn't sick, now you're convinced this one is."
Cuddy," This one is a young boy. His parents are desperate. Just get together with your team, spend a few extra hours ""ÔøΩ"
House," Well, I guess we could amputate his left leg. That's where we found most of it. Maybe we could just remove his affected eye completely."
Cuddy," If you have reason to beliEve that that might help ""ÔøΩ"
House," I'm not going to start lopping off body parts, but it's interesting that you'd give me the green light."
Cuddy, I just want you to do something.
House, You've been overly supportive this entire week. Either you're hormonal or you're guilt-ridden. And it's too early in the pregnancy for this to be hormonal.
Cuddy, I'm not pregnant.
House, Then what did you do wrong?
Cuddy," He had Addison's, your last Patient. You were right. I gave him one shot of cortisol and he woke up like Rip van Winkle."
House," [To Cuddy's belly.] Oh, your mommy's in such trouble. She's such a liar! That's why you don't have a daddy. That's why she had to ""ÔøΩ [And! epiphany.]"
House, How does one person end up with two different sets of DNA?
Foreman, We've been through this.
House, Our assumptions are faulty.
Chase," We've confirmed two different sets of DNA, we re-ran the sequence."
House," I didn't say the lab work was faulty, I said our assumptions were faulty. We assumed he's a person."
Foreman," Of course, the aliens didn't just visit him, they replaced him."
House," Well, you're being silly. What if he's not a person, what if he's two persons?"
Cameron, I'm not getting the metaphor.
House," No metaphor. Chase, you said the mom used in vitro fertilization, right?"
Chase," Yeah, they had trouble conceiving."
House," The kid was right all along, he was implanted with something. Back when he was really young, I mean really young, I mean twelve cells young. In vitro increases the likelihood of twinning."
Cameron, But he doesn't have a twin.
House," Not walking around. But in vitro fertilization costs about 25 grand a pop. [CGI of! well, cells merging.] So doctors implant about two to six embryos to make sure you get your money's worth. PRoblem is, there's not always enough bedrooms for all of the kiddies. Two brothers get stuck sharing, there's no bunk beds, so they cuddle up to keep warm. They nEver untangle. He's two people in one. It's called Parkmerism."
House," Unfortunately, his brother's like a bad doubles partner. The guy just takes up space, gets in the way. Clancy's body thinks that he's going to put away the easy winners, but his brother just keeps swatting the balls into the net. We've got to get him off the court."
Mom," So does that mean you can find the bad cells in his brain, or not?"
House," Sure, abandon the metaphor. Fine. Clancy thinks differently than his brother because he thinks. If we induce an alien abduction ""ÔøΩ"
Dad," Wait, what the hell are you talking about?"
House," The foreign DNA has got to be in a portion of your son's brain that makes him beliEve that he's being abducted. We stimulate those neurons with an electric pRobe; we can trick your son's brain into hallucinating. And your son's neurons will light up, and his brother's cells will remain dark. Those are the ones we cut out."
Mom, You're talking about brain surgery.
House," I'm talking about really cool brain surgery. One of your sons will die, but the taller one won't be so annoying any more."
Clancy, So I have a twin?
Chase, Not really. What's on the card?
Clancy, Light bulb.
House," Start us out at ten. [House is doing the brain surgery. Wait, what? Clancy's arm twitches.]"
Clancy, I'm not doing that.
House," That was all me, kid. Sorry."
Foreman, You're in motor function. Try two centimeters back.
Clancy, He lives inside me?
Chase, Sort of. [House hits another part of Clancy's brain.]
Clancy," Hee, that tickles! Stop tickling my feet!"
Foreman," You're in sensory, getting closer."
Chase, What do you see on this one?
Clancy, Moon and stars. So I am kind of weird?
Chase, We're all kind of weird. [House touches his brain again.]
Clancy, NO!
Chase, Clancy?
Foreman, We've got something.
Chase, What do you see?
Clancy," The light. Here they come, I think."
Foreman, Brain waves indiCate mild hallucination. Neurons lighting up.
House, Any dark spots?
Foreman, Area's too fuzzy. Hallucination isn't strong enough.
House," Well, turn up the juice."
Chase," His blood pressure's already 160/110. Any higher and ""ÔøΩ"
House, Riding the short bus is better than not breathing. Take us to 100.
Foreman, Area's still too fuzzy to make any kind of distinction.
House, Crank it up higher!
Chase, You've already exceeded the preset maximum. Next step's brain damage.
House," [In front of Clancy's face.] They're going to get you! They're coming through the walls. They're going to take you, torture you! You'll nEver see your parents again. [And all the CGI guys on House weep for joy, because all they really want to do is work in sci-fi, and here it is, an alien abduction scene, complete with bizarre pRobes.]"
Clancy, You got them.
Chase," Yep, we got them all."
House, Close him up.
Chase, Everything's going to be normal again.
House, You beliEve what Cuddy tried to pull?
Wilson, What now?
House," She lied to me. She cured my Patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it."
Wilson, That doesn't sound like her.
House," You're right. It does sound like you, though."
Wilson, What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
House," Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So, what was the plan? That I'd feel so humble by missing a case that I'd reevaluate my entire life, question nature, truth, and goodness and become Cameron?"
Wilson," Something like that. More that if we told you the truth; that you'd solved the case based on absolutely no medical proof, that you'd think you were God. And I was worried your wings would melt."
House," God doesn't limp. [House leaves and Wilson looks very, very tired.]"
]," You're not gonna make this easy, are you? [He picks up a syringe.] Unfortunately; as much as I admire your spirit, je ne sais rien."
House," 71 year old cancer research specialist. Minor tremors, localized melanoma removed 2 years ago, cataracts. And he can't breathe. Also, disregard the facial lacerations. They're creepy, but unfortunately irrelevant. [He winks.] Don't you wanna know why?"
Cameron, You! have your cane.
House," No, why the lacerations are creepy. He was about to dissect one of his lab rats when he collapsed. The little vermin seized the day, so to speak and went mEdieval on his ass. [The Ducklings stare at him with frowns.] What, my fly open?"
Foreman, So the! the pain's returned.
House," There was no pain, he was unconscious. I'm guessing, because he wasn't able to breathe."
Cameron, We're talking about you.
House," Obviously. I'm obviously not. What is it with you people? I don't use the cane, you're shocked. I use the cane!"
Cameron, We're just concerned.
House," About the wrong person. I can breathe. Ezra Powell on the other hand, is gonna die."
Foreman, THE Ezra Powell???
Chase, The researcher? The guy who wrote that textbook?
House," *That* textbook, THE textbook."
Cameron, Wait - there's actually another doctor you admire?
House," I! admire lots of doctors. 'Course most of them look a lot better in knee socks than Ezra Powell, but seeing as they can all breathe."
Chase, Oxygenation is through the floor and lungs are full of fluid. Gotta be his heart; could be Amyloidosis. [He holds up the chest x-ray.]
Foreman," Or his lungs; pRobably from using and inhaling toxic chemicals in his lab. [Camera focuses on House, grimacing in pain.]"
Chase, It's not the lungs. Chest x-ray is clean.
Foreman," So's his EKG, it's not his heart."
House," You're being too nice. [He looks up at them.] Outside the hospital he can't breathe, inside the hospital he can. Means we help, at least enough to screw with our test results. The source of the pRoblem's either in his heart or his lungs. So all we gotta do is stop helping, put a little pressure on him, and see which gives out first."
Chase," At 71, we get his heart or lungs to give out we might not get 'em to give in again."
House, That's why we're gonna do it in a hospital. Put him on an incline treadmill and do a stress EKG. [He grabs a donut and limps into his office with the cane.]
Foreman, So much for the admiration.
Cameron, Let's get you started. [Powell can't quite get out of the wheelchair.] I'll turn your oxygen up.
], I! I worked with Williams on the first protocol for this maParkne.
Cameron, Everyone still uses it.
Powell, Except for Williams. He died four years ago.
Cameron, I'm sorry.
], He was 84. He died parasailing. He was always [Gasps.] an idiot.
], You okay? [Powell begins to walk.] Hang in there. You know the protocol's only a few minutes.
Foreman," His heart rate's flat. We don't get it past 130, we're not gonna see anything."
Chase," And if he falls and breaks a hip, we're not gonna see anything"
]," I figured House might go back to the pills, but if he's using his cane he's right back to where he was before. Maybe Even worse."
Chase," Luckily he'll handle it in a stoic, grown-up fashion -- he'd nEver take it out on us. [Foreman nods.]"
], I can't. I! I gotta stop.
], Just a little longer.
Foreman, His heartbeat's only 90. I'm gonna increase the incline.
Powell, I gotta stop. I! I! I gotta get off.
Cameron," You're doing great, just a little faster, okay?"
Powell," I don't need a cheerleader, I need oxygen."
]," Stop, this isn't working."
House, His heart rate barely got above 90.
Cameron," He can't breathe, there's too much fluid in his lungs."
]," REALLY!? He's got FLUID in his lungs, whatEver are we gonna do?? Oh yeah, now I remember. [Hands results back to her.] Put him on a treadmill and run him like one of his rats on a wheel."
Cameron," He can't run, he can hardly walk."
House," It's 'cause he's not trying hard enough. If he was, his heart rate would go up."
Cameron, Exercising with a lung full of your own bodily fluids tends to hurt.
House, They don't call it a stress test for nothing. Do it again.
Cameron, He's drowning!
]," Then pull him outta the pool, and! Do. It. Again."
Powell [Coughing], I'm assuming this isn't your idea of a long term solution.
Cameron," We need to get rid of the fluid in your lungs, so you'll be able to do the test."
]," To see if it's my heart, or my lungs."
Cameron, Exactly.
Powell," My money's on both. [Sighs.] I've been in and out of the hospital for the past year. I'm old. And sick. I'm getting older and sicker. Not a very interesting differential, but! [Grimaces in pain as the needle goes in.] Oh!"
Chase, I'm in. [Tight shot on the syringe and Powell grimacing.]
], You don't need a $400 handbag.
House, It's kinda hard to check your throat when you're flapping your gums around.
], Oh! sorry.
Daughter, But it's for the fall formal.
], He doesn't care if it's for the presidential inauguration.
], Uh huh.
Daughter," But I'm using Marissa's old dress, it's free."
]," Yeah, you know what else is free? The roof over your head, the food you eat, [The girl frowns at House.] your phone, your computer. [He takes the tongue depressor out of Dad's mouth and addresses him.] How long have you been congested?"
Dad," All week, Ever since we got back from Fresno."
]," Fresno. That's in France, right? See the Parthenon?"
Dad," Uh, California. I've got no appetite, I'm aParkng all over, I'm weak..."
], Does that hurt?
Dad, Yeah.
], Does his voice always have that unattractive nasal tone?
], Totally.
]," I'm gonna take that giggle as a no. FEver, aches, weakness, loss of appetite. [Daughter is smiling at House again.] You been having any anal sex with I.V. drug users lately?"
]," Of course not, I'm married."
], You think she might've been having--
], NO!!
], It's pRobably a rhinovirus. [He starts filling out a prescription.]
Dad, What's that?
House," Cold. [He hands him the slip of paper.] Take this 4 times a day, and stay off airplanes. Flying cesspools."
]," Oops! [Straightening up and beaming at House as she hands them back.] You dropped something. If there's anything else you can think of, please call."
], Yes?
Cameron, He's! too old and weak.
Powell," Yeah, this is way better. This'll work. [Grunts.]"
Cameron, Just try.
]," There are 20 words to describe chest pain -- burning, squeezing, stabbing, tearing -- each one diagnostically useful. For that you have to thank Dr. Powell's textbook. There are no words to describe degrees of what he's feeling right now -- shortness of breath. If he'd worked on those issues, there would be. Because he nEver would have given up until he had an answer."
], This isn't working.
Powell, Dr. House!
House, Please don't get up. I'm sure you're very busy. [He gets a syringe from a cart.] I'm just gonna try and speed things up a little.
Cameron, Is that Epi? That's not the protocol.
]," No, the protocol, is what you tried to do and failed each time. [All are staring at him like he's mad. The maParkne starts to beep as Powell's heart rate increases.] Over 100! now we're getting somewhere. How's it look, Foreman?"
], No EKG changes.
], Then we push harder.
Cameron," House, you're gonna kill him."
]," No, he's right, let him -- let him do it."
House, See? That's why he doesn't have to wear knee socks.
], He can't breathe.
House," 130. [Powell looks scared, and like he can't breathe.] The magic number. Nothing here. Foreman?"
Foreman, Still no sign of blockage.
House," Which means it's not the heart. So it must be the lungs. [Goes over to the cart to put the syringe down, not to get another syringe to calm the guy.] See? That wasn't so hard, was it?"
Powell, No! Just -- give me the rest of the epinephrine.
Cameron," The test is over, it's okay, we're gonna stabilize you."
Powell," No! [Grabs her arm, then more softly.] No. Just let me die."
Cameron, You're not gonna die.
]," Yes, I a-am."
Cameron, We'll find a treatment.
], I don't wanna live like this. Please. I'm begging you. [Gasps.] Kill me.
Cameron," He says no more tests. He wants to die, and he wants us to help him do it."
], And I want to play a little game I like to call 'Block My Spike' with Misty Mae.
Cameron, He's thought this through; it's not an impulsive decision.
House, Neither is mine. He's depressed. He'll feel much better after we cure him.
Chase," He's seen all the tests we've seen. Even if we figure out what was causing the lung damage, it's too late to rEverse it."
House, You can't know that without knowing what's wrong.
], It's his call.
Foreman, So what do we do? We put a plastic bag over his head and get it over with?
Chase," No. We give him a syringe full of morphine. [The others turn to look at him.] Every doctor I've Ever practiced with has done it. They don't want to, they don't like to, but that's the way it is."
]," I haven't, I won't."
Cameron, I couldn't do it either.
], You just said we should respect his decision.
Cameron, Respect it doesn't necessarily mean we honor it.
Chase," Right. Just means we talk about it. [Pause.] At some point, do no harm has to mean allowing nature to take its course, not stubbornly standing in the way of it."
Foreman, Sticking a metal syringe into a plastic I.V. line and pumping in a lethal dose of morphine is not letting nature take its course. Not according to the state of New Jersey.
Cameron, So it's better we allow him to slowly suffoCate in his own plasma?
Foreman," Whose side are you on, senator? First respect his wishes, then invade Iraq, then get the troops home. Make up your mind."
House," Wow. [The ducklings snap to attention.] Certainly a lot of interesting things to consider. Stress EKG rules out the heart, which means something's gotta be attacking his lungs. Mycoplasmas or strep pneumo, which pRobably means it's too late to do anything about it. We could try levofloxacin."
Cameron, Coming up with a new treatment isn't gonna do us any good unless we convince him it's worth trying.
House," Oh, come on. He's old, and sick, and tiny. We can do whatEver we want to him."
Cameron, What happened?
Nurse, I don't know. Must've fallen out of bed and got the nasal canula wrapped around his neck somehow.
Cameron," Ezra, what are you doing?"
Powell [As the nurse adjusts his oxygen]," I don't wanna live hooked to maParknes, too weak to wipe my own ass."
], Why would you wanna wipe your own ass when you can have someone do it for you?
Powell, You're wasting your time. There must be other Patients you could actually help.
House," No, all services rendered on a first-come, first-served basis."
Powell," I won't consent! To any more tests. And if anyone tries to so much as touch me, I'll press charges for assault."
]," Okay well you heard the Man; he wants Everyone to leave him alone. [To the nurse.] Why don't you go first. [Nurse stares at him.] GET OUT! [She glares at him, but leaves. House sits on the bed.] You came to me, I didn't come to you."
Powell," I figured you'd have the guts to do what had to be done, if it came to that."
]," We're nowhere near that. It's time to test your lungs. [He uses his cane to grab a breath meter from the bedside cart, and puts the hose end into Powell's mouth. Powell struggles.] Breathe! You have to exhale sometime."
], Stop!
]," House, you're hurting him."
House," You're hurting me. [They let go, Powell begins to cough, spitting out the meter.] Fine; you don't help us, we don't help you. [House faces him and speaks slowly.] Your lungs slowly fill with fluid. You gasp to catch Every breath but nEver can. Every breath is petrifying. It'll be slow, painful; torturous."
Powell," We don't choose our birth, and we don't choose our death."
House," What if you could? How 'bout we make a deal? Give me one more day. If I don't find out exactly what's wrong with you by then, I help you die."
Cameron, House! [Foreman shakes his head.]
House," 24 hours. Come on, it's not gonna kill you."
Powell, Ha. [Nods.]
], Old guy. Lungs. Fluid. Go.
Foreman, You canNOT help him kill himself.
House, Of course I can. Chase says we do it all the time. [Chase rolls his eyes.]
Cameron, Cuddy's not gonna let you!
House," Enough! You don't want me to kill him. Fine. Here's a big shock; I don't wanna kill him either. How do I not kill him? By you guys doing your job. We have 24 hours to figure out what's wrong with him. [ImPatiently waiting for ideas from the ducklings.] Tick tock, tick tock."
Chase, I'll draw cultures. Pneumonia; should be bacteria in his blood.
House, It's gonna take longer than 24 hours.
Chase," Not if I spin down the sample. Separate off the buffy coat, then gram stain for bacteria."
House," [Nods.] Great. Do an Amylase, D-dimer, C-reactive peptide, get a urine, and do a bronParkal sputum while you're at it. [He indiCates Cameron.] You check his home and lab for radiation and toxins. [He indiCates Foreman.] And do a bone marrow biopsy."
Foreman, All of that in 24 hours?
House, Nah. WhatEver you don't get done you can finish at the autopsy.
Long montage sequence of the Ducklings at work," Cameron examining Powell's House, and lab; the other two taking samples, doing tests, cultures; all three doing research reading, waking each other up when they doze off, drinking coffee.)"
], Wow. You guys look like crap. [They say nothing.] Whaddya got?
], Purple dye on my fingers.
House, What'd the bone marrow biopsy show?
Foreman, Don't have the results.
House, What? What've you been doing all night?
Cameron," JELLO shots and wild sex, what else? [House looks shocked, then narrows his eyes suspiciously at Cameron.]"
Foreman," No bacteria in the blood cultures. We still have some cooking, but so far, nothing."
Chase, Nothing in the urine.
Cameron," Lab was clean enough to do surgery in, because well, they *do*. There was no sign of viruses or fleas on any of the rats."
]," Yeah. -- Who? ""ÔøΩ Well! tell her to call the clinic. Then tell her to leave a message, and I'll get back to her. [Cameron frowns suspiciously, obviously having an idea of who is on the phone.] Then tell her to leave a personal message. [He hangs up.]"
Cameron, Who's that?
House, Your protÔøΩgÔøΩ. What are these?
Cameron, Dictation tapes. He records Everything.
House, Why?
Cameron, Because he's a diligent researcher?
House, Or he's losing his memory.
Cameron, A lot of people dictate their notes.
House," Yes, we could assume that, and we'd have nothing. Or we could assume it's a symptom, in which case whatEver's in his lungs, is also in his brain. Unless you got something more promising."
Cameron, I'll go get an MRI of his head.
House, Keep testing 'til you find something. I'm going to my office to rest for awhile. [They all glare after him.]
]," It's been a long time since I took an anatomy [He coughs.] class, but I'm pretty sure you're moving farther and farther away from my lungs. Running out of places to look aren't you?"
Cameron, Doesn't mean we're gonna stop looking.