To finish off the comic sans font, rotating output box and the lack of instructions, we put the code on a Tablet Server. That's right, an old Android tablet emulating Ubuntu running a simple Apache web-server and a Cloudflare API script to keep up with the rapidly changing IP address. We do not expect it to be working for above a 50% live rate, so good luck.
It's even wireless and has a built in UPS!
Don't even try to use this and kill us already.