- Background Information
- Existential Dread
- Music
I want to start off by giving some background information on myself.
I am 24 years old, dropped out of college, live with my parents, and am unemployed. (2023-06-01)
The previous information I stated is important to understanding my motives. Perhaps you'd think of me as an angst ridden fool after reading that short bit of information.
Well, that is probably accurate.
I obsess over trying to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
To me, life is meaningless. And so, if one is to hold such a belief, how do they withstand the frequent suffering in life?
I spend most of my day fighting the urge to slump to the floor and completely go limp. Where might I find strength to resist the weight of this sadness that perpetually pulls me down.
I've searched for the answer in many places.
Perhaps it makes most sense to start with some movies that I enjoy greatly.
I'll start with the movie titled: "Stalker" (1979 film | Wikipedia link).
The film takes place in an unnamed and seemingly war-torn area. The film focuses on a mysterious restricted site known as the "Zone", where there supposedly exists a room which grants a person's innermost desires.
Travelling to the "Zone" is dangerous. Anyone who wishes to go brings along a "Stalker", who is to act as a guide.
The film tells the story of an expedition led by a "Stalker", and his two clients. The two clients of which are: a melancholic writer seeking inspiration, and a professor seeking scientific discovery.
A main theme in the film is the idea of faith. Some individuals in the war-torn area hold faith they can have a better life by way of the "Zone". The "Stalker" in this film belives faith is needed to live a good life.
I see this film as describing "teleological faith". Where "teleological" is relating to or involving the explanation of phenomena in terms of the purpose they serve rather than of the cause by which they arise.
A contemporary example of "teleological faith" could be a depressed individual engaging in a religion, not because they truly believe, but because they find it makes them a happier person.
If I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, perhaps going to church events with others would provide some motivation.
I don't enjoy the idea of "teleological faith" personally. I continued reading, and watching films.
I read about the philosophy of "Absurdism". Where "Absurdism" is to mean:
"a philosophy based on the belief that the universe is irrational and meaningless and that the search for order brings the individual into conflict with the universe."
A large part of "Absurdism" is shown in a book titled: "The Myth of Sisyphus" by Albert Camus.
"The Myth of Sisyphus" is about a king named, "Sisyphus" who was condemned by the gods to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll back down every time it neared the top. This would repeat for eternity.
The writer of the book, Albert Camus, wondered how Sisyphus could persist through this state of perpetual suffering. Albert Camus decided, "One must imagine Sisyphus happy."
So, how might one apply "The Myth of Sisyphus" today? The most obvious example would likely be a job. One gets up for work on the weekdays, just to do it again the next week.
I find some degree of fault in the idea that "One must imagine Sisyphus happy." For example, if you do not enjoy living, how do you start enjoying it? Albert Camus as well says, "The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart." when referring to Sisyphus. Again I find myself thinking, what about if it doesn't stir my heart?
The next movie I'd like to bring up is titled: "Trainspotting" (1996 film | Wikipedia link).
The movie is about a group of heroin addicts in an economically depressed area of Edinburgh.
As I had said regarding "The Myth of Sisyphus", what do I do when life doesn't "stir my heart"? Perhaps one might use drugs in this case.
The film opens with the following quote:
“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats that you've spawned to replace yourself, choose your future. Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin.”
The quote is a play on an anti-drug campaign which told people to "Choose life".
The main character named "Renton", lists out all the benefits you get from choosing life. Each benefit he lists though is said with sarcasm.
I like the opening to this film a lot. The general idea is something I relate with. Life does not excite me. Life does not interested me. There is a saying that drug abusers are, "throwing their lives away". I find this quote to be Renton agreeing that he is throwing his life away. But that he never wanted that life in the first place.
And so, where can I find something in life that makes me happy?
I find myself pursuing a "psychologically rich life". That is to say, a life characterized by a variety of interesting and perspective-changing experiences. APA review on the topic
While working on the "Luthetus.Ide" (github) I believe I've found exactly that.
I thought I was a good programmer until I started writing "Luthetus.Ide" (github). The extent of what I do not understand is awe inspiring. I look forward to everyday, because there is a vast amount I want to explore. The struggle of learning a concept you do not understand, the anticipation as you begin to understand, the great satisfaction of then getting your code to work. I live for this.
- Falling In Reverse - "The Drug In Me Is Reimagined"
- DREARINESS - Essence (subtitulado)
- Dreariness - Starless Night
- Psychonaut 4 - His Right to Remain Silent
- Gris - Veux-tu Danser?
- Radiohead "How To Disappear Completely" Original Music Video by David Herrera
- My Heart (Acoustic) - Paramore (Live at FBR15)
- Grimes - Idoru (Slightly Longer Version)
- Blade and Bath - Eternal Nothingness (Sub. English)
- APATI - Kemisk Karlek (subtitulado)
- Crystal Castles - Kept (Waltz piano)
- Crystal Castles - Kept (AGTHA REMIX)
- bedroom - in my head.
- Porter Robinson - Look at the Sky (Official Music Video)