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30-Minutes-or-Less_script.json
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30-Minutes-or-Less_script.json
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{"dialogues": {"WILL": "\n[1]Gimme a break. You guys live two towns away. It's pretty much fucking impossible to get here in 30 minutes. \n[2]This is gonna come out of my paycheck. You sure you don't want to take the moral high ground? \n[3]Ok. You guys are pretty smart. You figured out a way to beat the system. Got the house to yourselves? \n[4]Not bad. Any jailbait in there? Little pizza and a rainbow party? \n[5]Seriously? Well, two hustlers like yourselves gotta have the place stocked with beer and whippits and shit, right? Just call the girls up and let them know the party's on. \n[6]I really shouldn't do this...but you seem like a couple of good dudes. I'll tell you what, you give me the money that your mom left you for the pizzas, and I'll grab you some beers. 3. \n[7]But I get to keep the change as a tip. Deal? \n[8]I'll see you in like 20 minutes. \n[9]You boys like Budweiser, right? \n[10]Yo, Chris. Let me cash the fuck out. \n[11]For sure. I mean, the part where I had to drop off all those pizzas kinda sucked, but the rest was cool. 4. \n[12]I actually did buy the beer, but it would have been illegal to give it to them, right? So I'm gonna do the responsible thing and drink it myself. \n[13]What kind of business promises to deliver anywhere in 30 minutes? It's ridiculous. \n[14]Come on. If I didn't need this job, I wouldn't be doing this shitty job. \n[15]Fuck! Whatever! \n[16]That's poignant. \n[17]Are you fucking serious? \n[18]When do I start? \n[19]Yep. Caught the whole show. Really classy move at the end. You know, the kiss. Putting your tongue in her mouth right after you fucked it. \n[20]What manners. May I offer you some alcohol, sir. To wash the taste of yourself out of your mouth. \n[21]I misread their body language. It happens. 6. \n[22]Come on. Let's go inside, drink your beer and watch shit get crazy. Old favorites. You choose. Lethal Weapon, Lethal Weapon 2...was gonna get the third Lethal Weapon, but decided on a porn. So it's really between the first two. \n[23]You're a sub. Just call in sick. Like the real teacher did. \n[24]Yeah, I know. I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting you as \"the man.\" You know, flunking kids, giving out spite detentions to girls you wanna fuck, laser pointing at shit. \n[25]I guess that's just the difference between you and me. \n[26]I'm like Riggs. Cruising the streets. No rules, no attachments. Every other day some asshole is trying to take my badge. You're fucking Murtaugh. Always worried about your pension. Well, guess what, it gets old after the first movie. 7. \n[27]Fuck. \n[28]You asshole. You titanic asshole. Come on down and get your prize. \n[29]Rio? \n[30]Oh, the places you'll go. \n[31]It is. Just do it. Get away for a while. \n[32]Ok. Done. I've got my dose of the actual working world. Can we eat? \n[33]He's there like half the time. The other half I smile at him. I'm relatively certain he's a homosexual. \n[34]That kid beat the hell out of me and Chet in grammar school. Wow. \n[35]Really? What a fucking scrub. \n[36]I thought the Tom Small stuff was enough of a headline, but go ahead. \n[37]But you...you broke up with him...ended the relationship. Finality was had. \n[38]Forget it. I don't want to know. \n[39]Woah, don't compare me to your brother. \n[40]Sure. I get it. Here we are. Friday night. Nowhere to be. \n[41]Fridge is full, man. We're all good. 21. \n[42]Let me ask you a question. You remember Tom Small? \n[43]Turns out he was probably jerking off to it afterwards. He's gay. \n[44]Your sister did. She let him finger blast her. Big time. \n[45]Sorry. Kate told me about it last night. I thought you should know. \n[46]The point I'm trying to make is this: Tom Small was an asshole. He was totally wrong for your sister. Just like every other guy she's ever dated. Right through to that Mark dude she's gonna get back together with. Un-be- fuck-me-lievable... \n[47]Chet, I really don't... \n[48]Hey, if you guys had that twin ESP shit this would be a completely different situation. There'd be logistical problems. \n[49]You look like a lot of people. You're a normal looking dude. \n[50]If I had to put my finger on it...middle school-ish. \n[51]It might have happened a few times. Most of them were accidental. \n[52]Fuck you. I'm as normal as they come. Your sister is attractive. She excites me, in a sexual way. Fucking sue me. Can't we just be adults about it? \n[53]Hey, let's not say shit we can't take back. \n[54]That poem was about your sister! \n[55]Fuck you! Maybe I was just hanging out with you for your sister. You were always a whiny little bitch. And you stuttered. All the kids used to call you \"Chutter.\" \n[56]Did you see my Nintendo naked? Because I saw your sister changing into her swimsuit at your thirteenth birthday pool party. And it was the highlight of the whole shitty event. \n[57]I think we already are. \n[58]Wow...wow. You pulled a Judas on Jenny fucking Rifkin. That is messed up. Almost as messed up as how I sold your Cal Ripken signed ball for 200 bucks. \n[59]Now you know why we never found it. \n[60]We done here? \n[61]What!? You ruined...my fucking life! \n[62]Get offa me! \n[63]I'm gonna break this hold and then kick your skinny ass! \n[64]What the fuck is that!? \n[65]I'm gonna pass out... \n[66]I love her, Chet...I love Kate... \n[67]Fuck you...Chutter! Square this! \n[68]Right back at you. 26. \n[69]Where the fuck is this? \n[70]Hello? \n[71]What the - \n[72]Holy fuck! \n[73]What the hell!? Rape! 28. \n[74]Help! \n[75]Why are you doing this to me? I don't have any money. \n[76]Okay. Sure, man. Whatever you say. I'll go sell my car. I'll get you like a thousand bucks. \n[77]Where the fuck am I supposed to get that much money? \n[78]Do you guys have an account or something? \n[79]How the fuck am I supposed to rob a bank? \n[80]Then do it yourself. \n[81]Guys, can we please just talk about this? 32. \n[82]Oh, god! Holy shit! Fuck me! Someone please fucking help me! \n[83]We gotta talk. \n[84]Chet, for the love of god, just talk to me in private for one minute. \n[85]Chet! Shut up! I don't wanna apologize to you! \n[86]Here goes. And this is gonna sound crazy. Because it is fucking crazy. But last night two guys in masks jumped me and strapped a bomb to my chest, and now I have less than eight hours to rob a bank. \n[87]Chet, do you really think I'm a terrorist? \n[88]I am not fucking around here. Two guys did this to me. And if I don't rob that bank in time this thing is gonna blow. \n[89]Seriously. \n[90]I didn't - \n[91]Listen, I think the vest is safe for now. These guys don't want me to blow myself up on accident before I get their money. \n[92]I don't know! All I do know is that this is real. This is happening. And I'm sure you hate me as much as I hate you right now, but I have nowhere else to go. \n[93]For help, Chet. I need your help. Please. I can't do this alone. \n[94]That's a...very rational way to look at the situation. And you're right, about being a better guy than me. \n[95]I can do that. 37. \n[96]Thank you. \n[97]I think I can handle it. \n[98]Chet, I'm fucking nervous enough as it is. Please. I don't need you back seat driving me right now. \n[99]Just for the record, this isn't a nuclear weapon strapped to my chest. And there are metal lockers on either side of the hallway. If I fall, and if this thing goes off, I'm probably not taking out the whole school. \n[100]Whatever. It's over. \n[101]Who was the chick in the white jeans? \n[102]You know why. \n[103]Come on yourself. You knew exactly who I was talking about. \n[104]I bet you love it when she calls you Mr. Chet. \n[105]This is what? 39. \n[106]We'll also be dead, in that particular situation, so it won't really matter. \n[107]I get it. Take your time, man. \n[108]Fine. \n[109]Okay, so where are we going? \n[110]Well, I don't! I've been sorta preoccupied with this crushing fear of death! \n[111]Your plan is probably better. Just condescend me until I explode. \n[112]Unless we have to. \n[113]Stop it! You're scaring the fuck out of me! \n[114]Why did you do that? \n[115]I saw you. \n[116]If I survive the day, and you don't because you jumped out of a moving car and broke your neck, I'm gonna laugh my ass off. \n[117]It's too tight! \n[118]Fuck you! \n[119]This is pointless. \n[120]We can't. These guys said they'd be following me. And I don't have a clue what they look like. For all I know, they're outside right now. They see the cops show up, they blow the vest and cut their losses. \n[121]What do I do, man? What do I do now? \n[122]I haven't been inside a bank in three years! How the fuck am I supposed to rob one!? They wouldn't even give me a savings account! \n[123]No, it's not! I'm gonna blow up! That's way worse than getting stabbed or shot. At least some people survive that. No one survives being blown up. 43. \n[124]No one is ever like, \"Yeah, I heard Steve got blown up, tough break, but how's he doing now? Is he still in the Rec basketball league?\" No of course he isn't, 'cause there's nothing left of Steve except a stain on the wall and a pair of fucking high tops! \n[125]Ow! Fuck! I think you popped my eardrum. \n[126]What are you talking about? \n[127]The movie? \n[128]Yeah...I guess it's pretty simple, right? And it's just a local bank. The Donner-Wells on Charles Road. \n[129]You wanted to be a teller? \n[130]Like what, a name tag? \n[131]That's really clever. No one ever said that shit to me before. Anyway, this is perfect. You know the whole layout of the bank. \n[132]How many guards? \n[133]That's a start. \n[134]You're gonna do it with me, right? \n[135]Jesus Christ, Chet. Please. I'm begging you here. I need you on this. If I do it alone, I'm dead. 45. \n[136]That was a moment of weakness. Yes. I'll fucking cry again if that's what it takes. \n[137]Sure. Whip that shit out. I'm actually kinda curious. I wanna see if Jenny Rifkin lied to you. She obviously lied to me. \n[138]All these guys want is 100 grand. We can do this. \n[139]I don't know. I guess they're very modest criminals. Who the fuck cares? Wait...you said \"we\" right? \n[140]Should we go with the handguns...or the Uzis? \n[141]That's such a Murtaugh choice. \n[142]Uh, no. Why? \n[143]Lady, we're just...buying some stuff. \n[144]Be careful, you're getting paint everywhere. \n[145]Yes, because if I survive this shit I'm quitting my job. That means I'll probably have to give up my place and I'll be sleeping in the back of my car, which you're covering in toxic paint. \n[146]That side isn't dry yet. You're about to ruin it. \n[147]Fast isn't the same as instant. You gotta let it sit for like 20 minutes. \n[148]No, but I spray painted my bike last year after I got my license suspended. I didn't let it dry properly and I fucked it up. \n[149]I was actually thinking we need to stop and steal a car first. \n[150]Yeah, my car. I'm not gonna use it as a getaway vehicle. They can trace the plates. Even if we do get away, we'll be arrested. \n[151]That's why I was thinking we'd steal one from your parents' friends. The Fishers. Remember how they used to pay us to clean their garage? They leave the keys in there. And they have a Datsun. That's a fast car. \n[152]What friends? My parents don't have any. My dad moved away after your big mouth ruined his marriage and humiliated him, and no one wanted to hang out with the mom who everyone knew fucked a lifeguard. 51. \n[153]Okay. \n[154]Sure. I'm sorry...I'm sorry that my family was going through a rough patch and I was smoking a ton of weed and listening to the Wu Tang Clan all the time. And that I needed some extra dough to indulge my habit. Which, in hindsight, was probably just a cry for help. But you never even noticed. \n[155]I shouldn't have stolen the ball. I knew it was wrong and I regretted it like the next day. I actually tried to buy it back but the guy wanted twice as much. I had to smoke even more weed just to get past the whole shitty incident. I guess that's why they call it a downward spiral. \n[156]The keys aren't here. They always used to leave the keys out. \n[157]Let's just find them. \n[158]What? 53. \n[159]No! \n[160]I'm doing what I have to. \n[161]Where are the car keys? \n[162]Quiet down and do it already. \n[163]Now listen, I don't want you to report this car stolen or anything until later tonight. Let's say 5 o'clock. 6 to be safe. 54. \n[164]If you fuck with us, I swear, I will...I will shoot your son. Taylor. I know where he works. At the fucking travel agency. He's the douchebag with the bangs. \n[165]I'm gonna trust you. But if you call the police, there's gonna be an undertaker styling his stupid fucking bangs! Now open the garage door. \n[166]The car's insured, right? \n[167]Okay. I feel better. Worse comes to worst, something happens to it, you can get a Honda. This thing doesn't even have airbags. \n[168]My hand was forced! \n[169]This thing's got some pickup. \n[170]I know...but there's one last stop we have to make. \n[171]I need to see your sister. \n[172]Chet, as if it isn't apparent, I may die today. I'll probably die today. And if there's one small thing that's clear to me now, it's that I've wasted two and a half decades as a pussy, watching everything I want pass me by. I don't wanna peace out of this world as a pussy. I need to tell her how I feel. \n[173]Yes, I really am. It means that much to me. I am not fucking around here. \n[174]She won't be in danger. I promise. I got it all worked out. And you can even take a piss while I'm inside. \n[175]...no, I'm here right now. \n[176]Because strange shit is going on. I'll explain everything. Just meet me where I texted you. \n[177]Please. Just do it. 58. \n[178]Stop! \n[179]Just don't come any closer. \n[180]I'm gonna give you the short version of an incredibly complicated and fucked up situation, so please be cool. Some very bad guys strapped a bomb to my chest and they are forcing me to commit a crime. \n[181]I wish I was joking, but I'm not. I know it's a lot to swallow, but you gotta take it on face value, because there's a timer attached to this thing and it's counting down. \n[182]I didn't come here for help. I'm taking care of it. I came here because, should things not work out today as I would like them to, I want you to know why I was doing the things I did. \n[183]I don't disagree with you. It's fucking nuts. But that's not even what this is about. Do you remember when you found that picture in my car of you, me and Chet, with Chet cut out of it? \n[184]I need you to remember about the picture, and about how I stop by your office every Friday, and how I've always hated all your boyfriends, and how the two girls I've ever seriously dated have looked like less attractive versions of you. Do you see where I'm going with this? I love you Kate. I have for a very long time. \n[185]A whole lot of shit. I'm sorry to do this to you, but I was afraid I'd never get the chance to tell you. And I know you have feelings for me, too. Maybe you feel for me the way you feel for a good friend, or - if the world fucking hates me - a brother. 60. \n[186]But what I hope is that you don't really know how you feel for me, and that maybe when you figure it out you'll realize it's the same way I feel for you. Does that make any sense? \n[187]I don't need an answer now. Just think about it. And no matter what you decide, you're too good for assholes like Mark and the rest of them. \n[188]It's distracting. I know. Anyway, I'd love to stay and talk some more, but I can't. I gotta ask you to leave now, because I'm running out of time. \n[189]That's a huge relief. Don't say anything else. I just really don't want to die now. \n[190]I said my piece. She's gonna think about it. \n[191]Yes. By the bomb. \n[192]Would it be so bad if we ended up together? You and I would be family. \n[193]Well, now it's up to her. \n[194]Then you'd probably never get to rob a bank. \n[195]You go for the money. I'll cover the crowd. In and out. \n[196]It's just nerves. Let's pull our shit together and do this thing. 63. \n[197]Call me Tivon. You'll be Darius. \n[198]Fine. Then you'll be Luis and I'm Cruz. We're two loco motherfuckers and that's the way we gotta roll when we get in there. \n[199]Everybody put your hands in the air! \n[200]Actually, listen to him and get on the fucking ground! \n[201]Shut up! Please! \n[202]You, just stand right there and don't do shit! The rest of you get the fuck down! Spread your arms and legs! Why is no one listening to me!? \n[203]Don't be a hero, cowboy! \n[204]Very slowly, take out your gun and toss it away. \n[205]What the fuck!? Did you do that on purpose!? \n[206]Just toss it, lady! 65. \n[207]Just calm down. \n[208]Is anyone here a doctor? \n[209]Sir, let me see where you're hit. \n[210]Calm down, sir. 66. \n[211]It's just a flesh wound. You're gonna be okay. \n[212]You got shot, man. It's not supposed to feel good. But you're gonna be fine. And you'll have a great story to tell everyone. \n[213]Point taken. Luis, how we doing on the money? \n[214]Can you please hurry up, Sandra!? 67. \n[215]I'm really sorry, everyone. I know we probably fucked up your day. I'm thinking of you in particular, sir. Actually, you know what... \n[216]Quickly. Peel a few bills. On me. Anyone rats him to the cops and I'm coming for you. I remember faces. \n[217]Could you kindly fill another bag? Not a bank bag. A fucking garbage bag. And Luis, will you watch her this time? \n[218]Fuck! Which one of you assholes tripped the alarm!? Was it you, Sandra!? \n[219]Fuck both of you! Fuck all of you! I'm a regular guy! Just like you! I'm a regular guy and you fucked me! Thank you for fucking a regular guy! \n[220]Fuck you! You just brought a gun to a bomb fight, officer! I pull these wires out and we all go! You got ten seconds to drop your gun and - 69. \n[221]He was tempting a desperate motherfucker. \n[222]I can outrun these guys. They're not the FBI, they're local cops. Just shut up and let me concentrate. I do this for a living. \n[223]Holy fuck! \n[224]That guy got fucked up. \n[225]Chet? Are you okay? Chet!? \n[226]Talk to me. \n[227]No. Luckily your side took most of the impact. \n[228]We gotta keep moving. \n[229]Oh, fuck, man. Come on. \n[230]Chet...I don't know how to tell you this...but you got a piece of the car in you. \n[231]In your back. \n[232]I will. \n[233]All right. \n[234]It's a combination of cheap sneakers and this heavy fucking bomb on my chest! \n[235]Hey! Over here! \n[236]I never thought I'd see you again. \n[237]It's actually not that bad. You know, as compared to that Datsun. The Mustang's got more comfortable seats. And it never would have flipped over. \n[238]There's a 100 grand in there. 100 fucking grand. Which we stole. From a bank. \n[239]I threatened to blow up a cop. And you never said \"I will kill you where you stand.\" \n[240]Yeah, it did. 75. \n[241]You know, there's no one I would have rather taken down a fucking bank with. I mean that. \n[242]And as for all that shit I said...and all that shit I did...I hope you can forgive me. We've been friends for so long, and I guess you hurt the people you're closest to the most. \n[243]I do. I accept you. Because you accept me. \n[244]You're right. Let's take care of that. But you owe me a hug. \n[245]It's all gravy from here. \n[246]Can't you hear the ticking in the background? \n[247]Thanks. I'm happy to entertain a complete psychopath. \n[248]What's that supposed to mean? \n[249]We killed a cop. \n[250]They're gonna hunt us down and kill us. Cops don't take this shit lightly. \n[251]What's so fucking funny!? \n[252]Jesus! Can we just get this over with? Where do you want the money? 77. \n[253]I'll be there in ten. \n[254]Where are the other guys? \n[255]Yes. \n[256]Now where's the code? \n[257]Listen, man, I just want the code. \n[258]The code for the fucking bomb! \n[259]Your boss put this on me. \n[260]Then give me the code! \n[261]If you don't have the code, I want that money back. 81. \n[262]You don't know what I've gone through for that money! \n[263]Let's go! \n[264]What the fuck was that? \n[265]Not with the money they won't. \n[266]No! I've still got the money! And I cracked your friend's face open! \n[267]You lied! You said I'd get the code! \n[268]You didn't give him shit! I want the code now or you'll never see this money! \n[269]I'm holding the money. I blow up, and it blows up. Who has the leverage now? Go ahead and push the button, you idiot. \n[270]I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm already dead, right? So fuck you. At least I'll die rich. I can't say the same for you. \n[271]It was a negotiation tactic. He'll call back and I won't answer. Then he'll call back and I will answer, and he'll realize the only way he gets the money is if he gives me the code. \n[272]He'll call. \n[273]You know, even if they get the bomb squad here in time, and they can somehow get this thing off me, we still gotta answer for the robbery. \n[274]Nah. I'll tell them I forced you into it. That you didn't have a choice. \n[275]That's it? You're not gonna think about it a little longer? After all we went through...tear down the relationship, rebuild it...you're gonna let me go to prison alone? \n[276]It was a test. Your grade: F minus. You know what the \"F\" is for? \n[277]You passed that test. Failed the important one. \n[278]Great idea, Chet. Thanks a lot. I'll just sit here and figure out a fucking major. \n[279]Hey, it's them. 94. \n[280]You ready to talk now? \n[281]I've barely got an hour left! \n[282]Fuck that. Give me the code first. Then you can have your money. You'll just have to trust me when I say that I don't want it. \n[283]What the fuck is that supposed to mean? \n[284]Fuck you! You crossed a line! 95. \n[285]Let me talk to her. \n[286]Kate, I'm so sorry. \n[287]Fuck! \n[288]They have Kate. \n[289]They took her, man. They must have followed us to her office. 96. \n[290]I'm sorry. I messed up...I finally messed up worse than I could have possibly imagined. \n[291]We still got the money. As long as we have that, she's alive. Come on. \n[292]I'm here! \n[293]Ten minutes. \n[294]Maybe. Where's the girl? \n[295]Get her out here. You're wasting time. \n[296]I'm here. It's gonna be okay. \n[297]Just let her come over here. \n[298]Get back. \n[299]How about we get the code out of the way first, since this bomb happens to be ticking so close to all of us. \n[300]Just give it to me! \n[301]I actually have this sneaking suspicion that once we turn around, you're gonna put a bullet in both of our backs - and this is just a guess - burn our bodies. \n[302]I figured as much. That's why I got a gun pointed at you, too. I got a sniper in the bushes locked on you right now. \n[303]I can't tell, you're wearing a mask. \n[304]We're gonna walk out of here now. If you shoot, my sniper shoots. I can't guarantee he'll get both of you. But he'll definitely get you. 100. \n[305]I got the money. Let's get the fuck out of here. 102. \n[306]I'm very sorry about the kidnapping. This is me, taking responsibility for it. Growing up. Like a viable life partner. \n[307]What? No, I didn't. \n[308]Oh, shit. One of those dudes is definitely not dead! \n[309]That was the bomb I carried around all day. I reactivated it and put it in the back of his van. I guess his time was up. \n[310]I was prepared, yes. I can't help it if I'm the kind of guy who thinks about the future. 105. \n[311]Primarily, we robbed a bank. \n[312]Nothing good if we stay in town and they pin this on us. Kate, I think you should put in for that vacation time. Right now. If anyone gives you a problem, tell them to fuck off. There's 100 grand in that trash bag by your feet. A third of it's yours. \n[313]Why do you get a share? \n[314]Airport's 30 minutes away. Pick a destination. This time it's not a practice run. \n[315]And? \n[316]But nothing about us? \n[317]I was thinking we'd stick around a little a longer. \n[318]Yes. And it'd be easier if you gave us five fucking minutes alone. \n[319]I kissed her last night. No tongue. Then you walked in. 109. \n[320]I'll be thinking of you the whole time. \n[321]I think I'm reading you. And I will try my best. \n[322]You're Riggs! You always have been! \n[323]I lied and told your brother I kissed you. I thought it would make this easier. \n[324]Probably. We should go inside. I promised him I'd satisfy you. ", "DWAYNE": "\n[1]Fruit motherfuckin' salad! 8. \n[2]Boy, if you weren't such a skinny little bitch you coulda been in the military or something. \n[3]I hear that. I taught myself how to eat pussy. And cut my own hair. \n[4]This one's all me. Mr. President, we have enemies at the gate. Give me the order. Fuck that, sir. I don't negotiate with terrorists! \n[5]Wanna make sure I get enough calories. \n[6]It's obvious you don't know shit-all about physical fitness. You gotta bulk up first, then you slim down. I'm clearly in the bulk up phase. I told you to watch Pumping Iron like a month ago. If you'd listened to me, maybe you'd know what the fuck I'm talking about. Grab some RC Cola. \n[7]Check it out. I ain't afraid of Jason. I'm fucking him. You like that, Jason!? In the mask! \n[8]Dad, we're watching a flick. We got 45 minutes and a potential 3D sex scene left. You're sorta coming in at the worst possible moment. 10. \n[9]You gotta learn how to share the common space. \n[10]Let's get outta here. This movie sucks anyway. \n[11]You know, you can be a real sonofabitch, dad. \n[12]That's pretty fucking disturbing! \n[13]Fuck The Major! 11. \n[14]- and he thinks he knows me. He don't know shit. I got ideas he could never dream of. I got plans bigger than his fucking house. He didn't even raise me. My mother did. That was a good woman. \n[15]She passed on. \n[16]I wouldn't mind nursing on them titties, mamacita. \n[17]I wish I could forget about that asshole for good. I'm just waiting around for him to drop dead. Don't wanna mess with my inheritance. \n[18]When my dad got outta the service, he started buying lotto tickets. He'd play his dog tag numbers. In '91, the fucker won five million bucks. \n[19]He had some health problems a few years back, and since then he's been burning through the money like an NBA draft pick. Probably only got a million or two left. But it's mine as soon as he kicks. \n[20]That's right. And maybe I'll make you my queen. Let you polish my royal scepter. \n[21]Hate him like the Steelers. \n[22]Do what? \n[23]What we have here is a classic \"lesser of two evils\" debate. You got one evil: me shaving a few years off The Major's shitty life. Then you got the other evil: The Major ruining my entire awesome life by blowing through my inheritance. Maybe I'm biased, but mine sure as shit seems like the lesser. \n[24]You know, there's a reason I sleep 'til noon everyday. And it ain't 'cause I'm lazy. It's on account of me having so many goddamn dreams. Big ones. And once that money's mine, they're all gonna come true. \n[25]Like I had this one dream last night. I was cruising through town in a Lamborghini Diablo. The wind was blowing through my hair, ruffling my open shirt. There was a hot little piece of ass sitting next to me. And in the back seat, Jay...was you. Strapped. Wearing a pair of Oakleys. \n[26]It was only this once, Jay. To be honest, I didn't know what to make of it. So I consulted my dream book, and found out it means this: you're my road dog. You got my back. 17. \n[27]That's why I want to make you my partner. \n[28]In crime. And business. You see, it ain't just about the inheritance money. It's about what I'm gonna do with it. \n[29]I'm about to clue you in on something. And then you'll understand the true magnitude of what's at stake here. Are you ready? \n[30]Then answer me this...what's this town missing? I'll give you a hint. It's a cash business, crawling with sexy bitches. \n[31]No. A tanning salon. Think about it. All that green. All that brown flesh. \n[32]It's also the perfect front for a prostitution ring. \n[33]Yes. And because of the bitches. It can all be ours. 30 percent for you, 70 percent for me. You just gotta help me out here. 18. \n[34]I'm starting to wonder if my dream book was wrong about you. Maybe you sitting behind me doesn't mean you're my road dog. Maybe it means you're plotting to stab me in the back, like some snake in the grass. \n[35]Here's a fact: they don't build prisons for criminals, they build them for idiots. Shit, they got three different types of CSI on TV, just laying out how the police do their business...and still, idiots like you think you can just go out and do a murder yourself. If you wanna be a millionaire, you gotta think like one. And millionaires don't kill people. They hire assassins. Which I did. We gotta pay him on Tuesday. \n[36]I was presented with an opportunity. I took it. 100 thousand bucks for a highly trained assassin is a steal. \n[37]Now we're addressing the real problem: how do we get the 100 grand? 'Cause once we get that, we get the million. 19. \n[38]And once we get the million, we will literally own this town and every single thing in it. \n[39]Again, not quite thinking like a millionaire. \n[40]Fuck hiring them, we could just force someone to rob a bank for us. Like with blackmail, or death threats, or - \n[41]I was gonna say hypnotism...but I like that. It's out of the fucking box. We just strap one to some motherfucker's chest, like we did to those watermelons. Think you can you build some kinda bomb vest? \n[42]I'm pretty sure this is exactly how a millionaire would do it. And the beauty of it is: we don't lose any sleep, 'cause no one gets hurt. \n[43]Yeah. The Major dies. But no one gets hurt. 20. \n[44]There's just one problem. Where do we get our guy? 'Cause if we do a kidnapping, then we're right back where we started...doing shit that's gonna get us caught. What we need is someone to come to us...to a place where we can control the situation. Someone without any connection to us. \n[45]Sometimes fate just takes out its cock and slaps you in the face with it. \n[46]Hey, bud! Sorry for the hike! The county's got us doing repairs at the ass end of the night! \n[47]Stop! We got a gun, you asshole! \n[48]Fuck! Get him! \n[49]Step one. \n[50]You thought we were gonna rape you. Idiot. \n[51]Just shut up. The tape is there for a reason. 'Cause this next part is gonna take a measure of calm. Are you with me? Can you be calm? \n[52]Will Dixon, of 112 North Whatever- The-Fuck Street, right now you are wearing an explosive vest. \n[53]Calm the fuck down! \n[54]Now stay still and my associate will show you. 29. \n[55]For a fucking bomb. So don't trip over your shoelaces or anything. That thing's full of C-4. And the C is for chaos. \n[56]Can I take that tape off now, pizza boy? \n[57]You know where you are? You might as well be in space, motherfucker. Nobody can hear you scream. \n[58]Not yet. But you're gonna go get us some. \n[59]I want 100 thousand. \n[60]The Donner-Wells National Bank on Charles Road. 30. \n[61]Yeah, the one across the street from the Olive Garden. \n[62]No, I don't have an account! You're gonna rob it! \n[63]Figure it out. You got a bomb strapped to your chest. That's a start. It'll scare the fuck outta people. Maybe use your brain and go get a gun. Borrow one from a friend for all I care. It ain't rocket science. \n[64]I would, but I'm already wearing this gorilla mask and you're already wearing that bomb. Tell him about the vest. \n[65]And it's on speed dial. So do what you gotta do, but we'll be watching. 31. \n[66]You go anywhere near a police station, and Fourth of July comes early this year. \n[67]It's 9:00 AM. You got 8 hours. \n[68]Once you have the money, call this number and you'll be given instructions on where to drop it. You do good, we give you the six-digit combination that stops the timer and opens the lock. Tomorrow morning, you can go back to delivering pizza, the mail, whatever the fuck you want. Now let me demonstrate what happens if you don't get us the money. \n[69]Hey, Teddy Ruxpin...what's that? You don't have the money? It was too tough to rob the bank, so you just went back to your bear cave and cried like a bitch? Well, guess what my stuffed friend...time is up. \n[70]I liked that bear. I don't even know you. \n[71]Go on. Get outta here. \n[72]Yeah, of course we can. \n[73]Be careful! \n[74]That's right! Get the fuck out of here! You're wasting time! \n[75]It was. Then I paid a Mexican 50 bucks to put a firing pin in it. Now it goes boom. \n[76]Don't you ever question me. I'm fucking this bitch. You're just holding the camera. \n[77]Good. 'Cause this ain't the Marines. This is cash money. You hesitate, you fuck up...and I will leave you behind. \n[78]Let's go get some breakfast. 33. \n[79]You really fucked up this mix tape. \n[80]We're not speed freaks knocking off a 7-Eleven. We're masterminding a heist here. \n[81]I wish he would hurry his shit up. 48. \n[82]No, man. He picked him up at a school. So long as there ain't any cops, he can take the whole town with him. I just want my money. \n[83]If you had any vision, Jay, you'd know exactly what I'm thinking about right now. And it's not a sandwich. Look how well trafficked that shopping mall is. It's the perfect place for the tanning salon. \n[84]I've been thinking about it, and I want you to start off working the counter. Sounds like a demotion, I know, but it's an important position. Because we're gonna be using code words and shit. For example, if a customer walks in and says he wants a tan, that just means he wants a tan. But if he says he wants a \"deluxe tan,\" that means a blow job and you gotta get one of the girls in there to suck him off. You with me? \n[85]There's gonna be codes for everything: missionary, anal, black chicks. I got it all written down back home in my files. 49. \n[86]I'm not gonna bother getting into it with you right now, because you're supposed to be on lookout and you're no good at multitasking. \n[87]Fuck. \n[88]Where the fuck is he going? What's in there? Some sort of FBI headquarters? I told that guy not to fuck around! \n[89]Maybe I should give that bomb a call. \n[90]I was just fucking around. Are you gay for this guy or something? \n[91]All right. Then man up and go check it out. 57. \n[92]Don't even tell me you're about to do a reconnaissance without a cover. What's you cover? \n[93]Yeah, nice fucking uniform. \n[94]You're a personal shopper. You're delivering the latest fashions to Mr. Quilby in marketing. Got it? \n[95]\"He's got the whole world in his hands. He's got whole fucking world in his hands...\" \n[96]So? \n[97]Getting one last blow job in case he don't make it. I kinda like this guy. \n[98]Holy shit! Our boy is causing some serious mayhem! \n[99]Shut the fuck up! If you jinx this with your negativity, I'm gonna strap a bomb to your chest next. \n[100]You are! \n[101]You hear what happened to the guys they were after? 74. \n[102]This who I think it is? \n[103]You know, you're a pretty funny guy. \n[104]Now wait a second, you're the murderer. \n[105]One of those cops who wrecked his car chasing you...he ain't breathing no more. \n[106]I'm just messin' with you. You didn't kill anyone. How'd a moron like you manage to rob a bank? \n[107]There's a boarded up gas station out on Commerce Avenue, past the highway. Be there in 30 minutes. \n[108]Then you'll be standing around with your dick in one hand, and my money in the other. \n[109]Yo, Juicy, wrangle your boy. Money's on its way. \n[110]I remember the summer after my mother passed was the first year they had the Monopoly game at McDonald's. I musta come here three times a day trying to collect all the game pieces. Packed on 20 pounds, got acne from all the grease. The Major said I was the fattest, ugliest 13-year-old he ever laid eyes on. But I didn't care, I just wanted to win the money and get the fuck out of there. So, one night, I followed this skinny register kid home, jumped him. I kept whaling on him, asking him where they were hiding the Park Place piece. The million dollar prize. But he didn't know shit. A year later, The Major won the lotto. I asked him for a Sega Genesis. He bought me one of those paddles with the ball attached. 78. \n[111]I'm not ashamed to admit that I've gone through some dark times since then. Depression. Addiction to a variety of shit, which I won't go into. I know you must think that's pretty silly, especially since you manage to get through the day and you don't got shit going on as compared to me. But that's just the way it is. That's life. \n[112]No. I don't. My whole point I was trying to make before you interrupted me was that that shit is all in the past. 'Cause I did it. I finally pulled it off. \n[113]Are we? Would you do anything to protect me, my money, my empire? \n[114]Would you push the button? \n[115]It's just a question, Jay. Would you? If I asked you? 79. \n[116]I mean, it's no different than those watermelons. \n[117]Yeah, they are. Not the ones you blew up, though. \n[118]Oh, yeah. I forgot about that part. \n[119]Anyway, he hasn't even made the drop yet. I'm gonna go take a shit. Stay away from the bathroom. Someone could get hurt. \n[120]Never comes out this nice when I do it myself. You might wanna take some more off the top, though. I wanna look real professional when I go down to the morgue to identify the body. \n[121]You drop the money yet? \n[122]Why the fuck would you do that!? \n[123]I gave him the code. He told me he committed it to memory. 83. \n[124]He was probably just embarrassed that he forgot it. I'll call him up and - \n[125]Hold on there, big man. You got a bomb on you. I got a cell phone that detonates it. You're not exactly negotiating from a position of leverage. \n[126]Why don't you watch what the fuck you say! I own you! I tell you to rob a bank, and you rob a bank. I tell you to give me the money, and you give me the goddamn money and hope I show you some mercy. \n[127]That piece of shit hung up on me! \n[128]Does this guy know who the fuck I am!? \n[129]We're not amateurs. He was a loose end. I let him live, someday I woulda been walking out of my mansion and... bam! FBI, CIA, NSA, all converging on my front lawn, 'cause a loose end turned state's evidence and they got what they need to put me away. \n[130]Fuck it, Jay. I'll just kill The Major myself. 85. \n[131]You know what they say about a tree falling in the forest? Maybe the same thing applies to blowing up some motherfucker across town. Maybe it doesn't even make a sound. \n[132]Boom. \n[133]Who did I just call, Jay? 'Cause she sounded cute for a bomb. \n[134]Where's the number for the bomb? \n[135]I'm in perfect control! \n[136]You asshole...I make you my partner and you pull this shit... \n[137]Fuck you...I'm gonna piss blood, aren't I? \n[138]Go on. Get it out for me. I can barely move. \n[139]Glad you came to your senses. \n[140]I honestly don't know. \n[141]That guy's not my boy. He's a dick. I'm sorry for all the, uh, confusion. 87. \n[142]I wasn't fucking you, I was fucking him. You gotta understand, you're like a pawn in a much larger game I'm playing here. \n[143]I didn't mean it like that. I'm just juggling a whole lot of shit. \n[144]That may not be possible. I just want to put this out there, to keep you in the loop...but I may need to bump the hit. \n[145]I don't exactly have the money...give me some time and - \n[146]That's it. The assassin's gonna kill me now. I'm gonna die. Game fucking over. \n[147]Why? So he can fuck around again, and I wind up dead, anyway? No. I'd rather just sit here. I want to die right here on this couch. \n[148]How do we do that? Pizza boy's obviously got some kinda death wish. \n[149]That's actually...that's a great fucking idea, Jay. It's the best idea anyone's had all day. \n[150]Ok. Then let's do it right. We leave nothing to chance. Because if we go to prison for this, I won't be able to watch out for you. \n[151]You should probably bring the flamethrower, buddy. There's gonna be some evidence to dispose of. \n[152]Why don't you just slide the phone under the door, so I don't have to kick it open and see you with your panties down. 91. \n[153]What's the quietest way out of the building? 'Cause I might get excited in a confrontation, and you might wind up shot in the face. \n[154]Yeah, I'm ready to talk. I want my money. Meet me back at the radio tower in 50 minutes. \n[155]That's the point. I want you on a short leash. \n[156]Yeah, I'm sure. You just wanna go back to your fantastic life. Your great job. And that blonde bitch with the sexy voice. \n[157]It means that girl you paid a visit to today is sitting in the back of my van right now. And it ain't exactly consensual. \n[158]There are no lines! There's just me and you and 100 thousand dollars. Once we get that shit in order, you can have her back, and your life, too. So you're gonna show up where I say, when I say. Alone. And if you try anything stupid, the two of you will be delivering pizzas to Saint Peter. \n[159]You got ten seconds. \n[160]She's just really gonna die if you fuck this up. \n[161]How much time you got left? 97. \n[162]Damn. Maybe we should just wait around for the money shot. \n[163]That the money? \n[164]In the van. Maybe. \n[165]This is a fucking tearjerker. \n[166]I will. But you should know, my associate over there is packing a flamethrower. 98. \n[167]Unless either of you can outrun a 25- foot flame. Or a bullet. \n[168]I gave you the girl. Now give me the money. \n[169]Fair enough. \n[170]You ready to be a free man? \n[171]448921. \n[172]It's so fucking pretty, ain't it? \n[173]Okay, you can get out of here now. \n[174]They say great minds think alike. And in this case, so do we. \n[175]Do I look that dumb? \n[176]Son of a bitch. Well played. \n[177]It's all good. We got your money. \n[178]Hold up. You don't have to do this. I just paid you. \n[179]I don't know what you're talking about. Just take the money. \n[180]I'm not a loose end! \n[181]No!! \n[182]Goddamn it, Jay! \n[183]Stop, drop and roll! \n[184]You didn't hesitate back there, Jay. You did good. \n[185]I'm gonna go put a bullet in that motherfucker and get our money. Think you can get outta here? \n[186]I own this town. \n[187]Dad? \n[188]Dad, are you - \n[189]What happened to you? \n[190]Dad, I...I'd never... 107. \n[191]I am a man! I killed you, didn't I? Now I'm gonna use your money to open a tanning salon where they let you fuck the chicks. \n[192]Those were great bedtime stories. \n[193]Sure thing, pop. \n[194]Get up, you pussy! Come on, soldier! \n[195]\n[196]Here at Major Tan, our specially trained technicians are hard at work developing new technologies that harness the power of the sun, to ensure a cutting-edge tanning experience. \n[197]How's it looking? \n[198]Hey, don't just take this scientist's word for it. The proof... \n[199]...is in the tan. \n[200]But Major Tan isn't just about looking good. It's also about feeling good. \n[201]So come on down to Major Tan...where we're proud to be a family business. ", "CHET": "\n[1]What the hell? Have you just been sitting there? \n[2]Hey, a nice girl decides to pleasure me on a weeknight, in her car no less...I'm not gonna make her feel like an untouchable. I'm gonna make her feel like a lady. \n[3]By the way, she said she had a friend. Maybe we can go on our first double date since you tried to talk Jackie Fortunato and her cousin into having a four-way with us. \n[4]I choose sleep. I gotta teach a class at eight. \n[5]Come on, man, you know I got promoted to full-time last month. You bought me a laser pointer. \n[6]I also get healthcare and my summers off. It's not perfect, but it's a career. \n[7]I just got head. I'm totally Riggs. \n[8]Maybe you should pace yourself. It's noon on a Saturday. \n[9]Yeah, he used to kick our asses. \n[10]I hope he chokes on a dick. I never liked him. \n[11]What the fuck are you talking about? I don't want that shit in my head. \n[12]You two were swapping stories about getting fingered? That's pretty cute. \n[13]Whatever. Why the fuck are we talking about who my sister goes out with? 22. \n[14]You sneaky son of a bitch...you want to fuck my sister, don't you? \n[15]My twin sister!? Which is basically like fucking me! \n[16]We look exactly alike! \n[17]This is so fucked up I can't even begin to process it. How long has this been going on? \n[18]So all those sleepovers, they were just some kind of opportunity for you to peek in Kate's bedroom? \n[19]You're a peeping Tom. You realize that, don't you? You're a sexual fucking deviant. \n[20]You? An adult? Sort of stretching the term. \n[21]Take back? Will, you got kicked out of junior college for punching a professor that made fun of some poem you wrote. \n[22]That is, literally, the saddest thing I have ever heard. Like retards playing freeze tag sad. No wonder you deliver pizzas for a living. \n[23]Whatever. I only started hanging out with you because you had a Nintendo. \n[24]Okay. You wanna do this? \n[25]Well, you know who I saw naked? Jenny Rifkin. While I was nailing her. The week after she dumped you. 24. \n[26]Why do you think every time you wanna bet on whose cock's bigger I'm always willing to go in? 'Cause I know mine's bigger. 'Cause she told me! \n[27]My grandpa left me that ball in his will! You helped me look for it for a month! \n[28]Not quite yet. There's actually a mystery I wanna solve for you. I was the one who told John Tanner about how your mom fucked that lifeguard. And I always felt awful about it, because even though he swore secrecy, he told everyone else in town. And then your parents wound up getting divorced. But now...I don't give a shit. \n[29]Krav Maga, bitch. I bet your poetry professor didn't know this shit. \n[30]You threw the first punch! 25. \n[31]Try it! \n[32]My knuckle in your spine! No holds barred you backstabbing fuck! \n[33]Good! \n[34]Let me tell you something. And it's the truest thing you'll ever hear, from the person who knows you best in the world...you're not good enough for my sister. And you never will be. You're the lowest common denominator, Will. You're the square root of fucking zero. \n[35]Get out of my house. You're a shitty friend. \n[36]This whole region here, about 830 thousand square miles, was part of the initial Louisiana Purchase. \n[37]Take out your workbooks. Chapter 3. \n[38]What do you want? \n[39]I'm working here. Do not mess with me at work. 34. \n[40]You wanna apologize, don't you? You look like shit. You've probably been up for days thinking about what an asshole you were. Well, it's gonna take a lot more than some pathetic groveling - \n[41]Then what do you want? Because we don't have anything left to say to each other. \n[42]You're hysterical. Got me. Great joke. I'm going back to work now. \n[43]What the fuck? Is that real? 35. \n[44]Stay away from me! What the fuck are you involved in!? Terrorism!? \n[45]Yes! One of the dumb ones! The ones they convince to wear the bombs! \n[46]Seriously? \n[47]And your first idea was to come to a school filled with young children? \n[48]Just back the fuck away from me with that thing. \n[49]Oh, so you figure the two psychopaths that rigged a bomb to your chest made sure it was safe? There's no margin for error in their fucking bomb vest design!? 36. \n[50]For what? \n[51]Damn it! I'd like to tell you to get fucked, but you know what the problem is...I'm a better man than you. And someday, I might actually forgive you. So if I let you blow up, or whatever, that shit might come back and eat at my conscience, and totally affect my relationships with other people. Like my wife and kids and shit. \n[52]Are you sure that thing isn't gonna blow at any second? \n[53]Could you just walk a few feet in front of me for a while? \n[54]Yes, I'm still here. I really am this stupid. Just pay attention to where you're going. \n[55]These floors get waxed once a week. On Tuesday, which today is. You hit a slick patch, trip and fall, and I got a classroom full of kids wearing their skin inside out. \n[56]Obviously. \n[57]Do you really want to debate this? 38. \n[58]You're an asshole. \n[59]Kristi Evans. Why? \n[60]Oh, come on. Just keep walking. \n[61]Fuck you. She's in the eighth grade. \n[62]She doesn't call me \"Mr. Chet.\" She's not a foreigner. \n[63]...thanks so much, Mrs. Davis. I'll call you after I talk to the doctor. \n[64]So, this is it? \n[65]Once I step inside this car, I'm basically in a steel coffin with you and...that thing. And if it goes off, all they're gonna find in there are two charred bodies and pieces of a bomb. They'll assume we were driving to a government building to blow it up. It'll be all over the news. Next thing you now, some militia or Islam group is claiming us as members. My family will be humiliated. \n[66]Exactly! \n[67]This is the world's biggest favor, you motherfucker. You didn't even help me move last winter. \n[68]Given the situation, I think you should obey all traffic safety laws. \n[69]I have no idea. I just got in your car. I thought you had a plan. 40. \n[70]No plan. I can't say I'm surprised. \n[71]Maybe we should turn on the radio. See if the signal sets the bomb off. That would be an interesting experiment. \n[72]Listen, let's just go back to my place. Figure out our options. Maybe you can get the vest off or something. I just don't want to do anything stupid. \n[73]Holy fucking shit! \n[74]Okay. Okay. Fuck! \n[75]I'm cool now. 41. \n[76]Do what? \n[77]It's in case I have to jump out. \n[78]And if abandoning ship saves my life, then that laugh will be mine. \n[79]What if we try to separate your shoulder? 42. \n[80]Well, all these sites say different shit. There's not a lot of consensus in the bomb disarming community. \n[81]I agree. We gotta call the cops, have them fly in the bomb squad or something. \n[82]I don't know, Will...I guess you gotta rob the bank. \n[83]It's gonna be okay. \n[84]Pull yourself together! \n[85]Sorry. Shit. I didn't mean to do that. But just listen to me now. You're not gonna die. You wanna know why? Because you know exactly how to rob a bank. \n[86]Point Break. \n[87]Yes. That movie is like a how-to guide for bank robberies. You just bust in. Masks. Guns. Move fast. Stick to the tellers and don't bother with the vault. \n[88]Really? I applied for a job there like a year ago. 44. \n[89]Yeah, so what? It's a good job. You get benefits. \n[90]What kind of benefits do you get? Free toppings? \n[91]Not exactly. They didn't hand me the security schematics with the application. But I sat in the waiting area for like 20 minutes. I know what the place looks like. \n[92]One. I think. \n[93]It's a great start. You can do it. \n[94]I was actually gonna stick to giving tips, ideas...motivational speeches. More of a consultant or advisory role. \n[95]Are you gonna cry again? \n[96]I should make you blow me. \n[97]We're gonna rob a bank for 100 grand? Just leave the rest of the money sitting there? Why? \n[98]I'm putting my life on the line for 100 grand...what does 100 grand even buy these days? \n[99]Handguns. \n[100]We'll pay cash. \n[101]Are you really worried about your upholstery right now? \n[102]It says it's fast drying. \n[103]How would you know? You do a lot of graffiti? 50. \n[104]We don't have time to sit around and literally watch paint dry. Aren't we going straight to the bank? \n[105]What? No way! We've got a car. \n[106]Well, I can't hotwire a fucking automobile, and neither can you. \n[107]I'm not stealing the Fishers' Datsun. Let's steal a car from your parents' friends. \n[108]You never should have told me! I was 13 years old. I couldn't process that kind of information. I had to tell someone else. Fuck. I really am sorry about it. Okay? Despite what I said before. I was just a kid, but I messed up. \n[109]That's it? You're not gonna apologize for selling my Cal Ripken ball? \n[110]Thanks. Now I feel even worse. \n[111]I appreciate that you tried to buy it back. So, thanks. \n[112]We should probably get going. 52. \n[113]Fuck! Fuck! I just want this goddamn day to be over! \n[114]Yeah. When we were teenagers. This is fucked. \n[115]Sorry. \n[116]You hear that? \n[117]Mr. Fisher is coming! \n[118]Oh shit, oh shit. Are the keys in there? \n[119]What are you doing? \n[120]That old man's got a heart condition! You could have killed him! \n[121]Awesome. I'm stuck inside an even smaller car with you and a bomb. \n[122]Could you just take it easy, we're doing fine on time. \n[123]Do you have to take a piss first? Because I do. \n[124]Are you for real? Did you really just ask me that? You salt-in-an- open-wound motherfucker! \n[125]You're really gonna turn this into some sort of dying wish bullshit? 56. \n[126]I don't think you are. I mean, apparently, you love my sister so much that you're willing to put her life in danger by going to see her with a bomb strapped to your chest. \n[127]Did you tell her how you saw her naked when she was 13? That always works. \n[128]Shut up. She was freaked out. \n[129]By you. 62. \n[130]I don't want you in the family. You bring very little to the table. I want her to be with someone awesome. A pro quarterback. A war hero. At the very least, someone I've never watched porn with. \n[131]Not if I set that bomb off myself. \n[132]I'm not feeling so good. I drank like three of those 5-Hour Energy drinks. \n[133]What should I call you in there, like if I need to ask you to do something? \n[134]I can tell you're not a black guy through the ski mask. \n[135]No, get on the ground! \n[136]All of you, back away from the counter and get out here! Anyone pushes a button and one of these people gets totally shot! \n[137]Are you guys working together? \n[138]This is fucked. That dude is gonna bleed out and we're gonna go to prison. \n[139]Oh, shit. Sorry, Cruz. \n[140]Hey, Sandra. I know you're probably scared right now, but if you go grab us 100 grand in a bag, we'll get out of here. This will all be over and you'll be fine. You trust me? \n[141]What the fuck was that about, Sandra? I thought we had something going! What happened to trust? \n[142]Okay. That should be enough. \n[143]Let's just get the fuck out of here. \n[144]Don't shoot us! \n[145]That was awesome. \n[146]Shit! This is not cool! 70. \n[147]Maybe we should pull over and surrender. \n[148]You don't do anything like this for a living! I am not a pizza, I am a man! \n[149]Go! Go! Go! \n[150]Stop! Stop! Stop! 71. \n[151]Oh my god... \n[152]I thought you were gonna blow up. 72. \n[153]Awesome. \n[154]What!? \n[155]Ah! Get it out! \n[156]Do it now! 73. \n[157]Is it rusty? Am I gonna get tetanus? \n[158]Why are you moving so slowly? \n[159]I thought you hated this car. \n[160]I told a bunch of people I was gonna shoot someone. I was like \"you fucking move, and I will kill you where you stand!\" \n[161]I know. But shit did get pretty crazy. \n[162]Me, neither. \n[163]I messed up, too. I'm a dude who slept with his best friend's ex- girlfriend, and destroyed his parents' marriage, and sat on the sidelines watching his downward spiral. I'm a shitty human being. But I'm glad you know that now, because you can accept me for who I am. \n[164]Woah! You still got a bomb on you. \n[165]You were driving! I'm just an accomplice! \n[166]I bet he had like eight kids. We have to find them and support his family forever. \n[167]They tried to screw us. You're a liability. They were just gonna let you blow up. \n[168]Don't tell him to push the button! Pull over! Pull over! \n[169]Get me out of this car! 84. \n[170]That was colossally stupid! \n[171]Sure! That seems like a perfectly logical pattern of thought! I bet that's exactly what he'll do! \n[172]It's been half an hour. \n[173]In another 30 minutes I'm calling the bomb squad. \n[174]These guys obviously aren't watching you anymore. \n[175]I'll take the heat with you, Will. \n[176]Thanks, man. 90. \n[177]You offered. \n[178]To fuck myself? \n[179]Look at the upshot, while you're behind bars you can finally finish your degree. If I was there, too, it would just be a distraction. \n[180]What happened? \n[181]What the fuck does that mean!? \n[182]Damn it! You had to go see her! \n[183]We gotta get her back, Will. These guys are crazy. \n[184]Not now. We gotta take off. Where's Will? \n[185]Yeah, that was totally Will's fault. In case you want to factor that in while you're mulling over the whole relationship thing. \n[186]This man has spied on you in the nude before! \n[187]He's lying. He's trying to build a relationship on a foundation of lies. And it won't stand. \n[188]Hurry up! He's already on us! \n[189]\"His time was up?\" Were you thinking that up the whole day? \n[190]He's not that kind of guy. He doesn't think about the future. Ever. \n[191]Yeah, Will. What does the future hold? \n[192]Fucked up. Why does she get a share? \n[193]Fucking nine dollars to use the internet. \n[194]Police think it was that black guy. They found some kind of map in his car. And I'm sure racial profiling played a part. \n[195]Nope. Guess it's time to head back. \n[196]Why? So you have more time to delude my sister? \n[197]You really think she's into you? \n[198]You're gonna go fuck my sister now, aren't you? \n[199]At the very least...be a considerate lover. Give pleasure, before taking pleasure. ", "JAY": "\n[1]This one's gonna blow even bigger. \n[2]Whatever. I don't need the military. I taught myself how to do this shit. \n[3]I thought you wanted to get diesel for the summer. Bang that towel girl at the community pool. 9. \n[4]Shit, man! It's so real! \n[5]Afternoon, Major. \n[6]I don't wanna stick my nose into a family matter...but killing your old man? That's pretty messed up...I mean, unless you think it isn't. \n[7]I guess I...sorta see where you're coming from. And you have been waiting around forever for that money. You deserve it, Dwayne. \n[8]Wow. I didn't know you dreamt about me, Dwayne. \n[9]In what? \n[10]Yes. I'm totally ready. \n[11]A Chinese food restaurant? \n[12]Yeah, of course. Because of the booths. \n[13]That's crazy. I'd never do something like that. The dream book was right! \n[14]Ok. I'll do it. But I'm not shooting him or anything. I'll hold him while you shoot him. That's it. \n[15]What? Why would you do that? \n[16]But we don't have that kinda money. \n[17]I guess we could just...rob a bank. One of these local banks with nothing but a dipshit security guard. \n[18]Okay, then let's hire someone to rob a bank. \n[19]A bomb. Everyone's scared of a bomb. \n[20]Yeah, I mean...camel jockeys do it in caves. I got a garage workshop. \n[21]Except The Major. \n[22]Take it easy, man. You're fine. I built this thing. It's pretty stable. \n[23]Actually, the C stands for \"composite.\" But, yeah, I'd try not to slam into stuff. \n[24]Across the street from the Olive Garden. \n[25]You seem like a pretty trustworthy guy. I mean, you got a job and all. But just in case you were gonna try to take the vest off, we booby trapped it to shit. There's also a remote detonator on the back, so we can trigger it by dialing a number. \n[26]What the hell, Dwayne? You told me that was a replica gun. \n[27]We didn't discuss a loaded gun! Especially not with the bomb around! \n[28]Sure, Dwayne...whatever you say. \n[29]Sorry, Dwayne. That song just means a lot to me. \n[30]You worried about that other guy he's with? \n[31]What? You want me to run over to Subway, get us a couple sandwiches? \n[32]Oh, you're totally right. \n[33]So far. But what if he wants a fuck? \n[34]Okay. 'Cause they're about to get away. \n[35]No! Let me just go see what he's up to. \n[36]I just wanna get the money, Dwayne. Same as you. \n[37]I don't know...I'm from the telephone company? \n[38]I'm, uh...I'm a personal shopper. I'm looking for Mr. Quilby. \n[39]It was just his girlfriend or something. \n[40]He's gonna get caught or killed. \n[41]Oh, yeah, who's gonna build it? \n[42]You know, I've been pretty low, too... if you ever want to talk about that kinda stuff. \n[43]We pulled it off, Dwayne. The two us. We're a good team. \n[44]Yeah, sure... I mean, like what kinda stuff are we talking about? \n[45]Why would you want me to do that? \n[46]Watermelons aren't alive. \n[47]No one gets hurt...right, Dwayne? \n[48]Dwayne...you never told me you weren't going to give him the code. \n[49]Don't do it. \n[50]Gina Kim. My seventh grade crush. Or whoever lives in Gina Kim's house now. \n[51]In my head. I switched it out of your phone while you were taking a shit. You're out of control, Dwayne. \n[52]Stop it! 86. \n[53]I'm tired of you pushing me around all the time! What kinda partner does that!? \n[54]That's what it said on the internet. \n[55]We can still get him the money. Try the pizza guy back. \n[56]No. We're gonna get that money. Just like we planned. All we gotta do is get the leverage back. \n[57]We take the girl. The one he went to see. Then he won't try shit. \n[58]I was just trying to figure out how you would do it, Dwayne. 89. \n[59]Ok, Dwayne. \n[60]Just do what we say. Don't mess around or anything. \n[61]Yeah. It's awesome. 99. \n[62]Hey...on your forehead. \n[63]Dwayne! Help! \n[64]You came back for me...you said you never would. \n[65]Yeah. Go get him. 103. \n[66]It's our most advanced tanning bed yet! 111. ", "KATE": "\n[1]That's the plan. Five days, six nights. Culture. Beaches. Acceptable probability of kidnapping. I leave in the morning. \n[2]This morning I loaded up an African Safari and a cruise to Alaska. \n[3]Fuck Expedia. Travel Advisor. Making it seem so easy. 14. \n[4]Even if I could afford that...they fired two other paralegals last week. Now's not the time to be putting in for vacation days. \n[5]How do you keep sneaking up here past the security guard? \n[6]Interesting theory... \n[7]Maybe I should set him up with Tom Small. He came out to me today on Facebook. \n[8]Tell me about it. He fingered me at junior prom while they were playing \"No Scrubs.\" \n[9]So, I've got some news... 15. \n[10]I'm getting back together with Mark. \n[11]Yeah, but we were talking and - \n[12]You sound like Chet. \n[13]Well, neither one of you seems to care that I don't have a life. Mark's not perfect...but a relationship is better than working late every Friday because I have nowhere else to be. \n[14]You know what I mean. \n[15]Why are you acting so strange? \n[16]\n[17]Will? \n[18]What are you doing? \n[19]Why not? What's going on? \n[20]Will, I swear, if this is - \n[21]Oh my god, Will...we'll get help. I'll get you help. 59. \n[22]Please, just let me call someone. Let me do something. This is crazy! \n[23]Will, I can't remember about some stupid picture while you're - \n[24]Will, this is a lot you're putting on me! You just told me people are trying to kill you or something, and now you say you love me. What the fuck is going on? \n[25]Yes. I mean, I've known you forever. It's not an easy thing to figure out. \n[26]Okay. I will process all of this. It's just, the bomb - \n[27]If I had time to think about it...I'd probably tell you that I've always felt very strongly for you. And I've never thought of you as a brother. \n[28]Try not to. Please. 61. \n[29]I'm sorry, I don't know who that is. \n[30]Will...? \n[31]It's okay...I'm fine...I'm just really - \n[32]Will, are you there? \n[33]Chet!? What are you doing here!? \n[34]Uh...I just got kidnapped. \n[35]I just got kidnapped! Can we talk about that!? \n[36]What the hell was that? \n[37]What exactly happened since I saw you this afternoon? \n[38]What!? So you're, like, fugitives? What do we do now? \n[39]Will, that's - \n[40]Here's an idea: pretend you have a bomb strapped to your chest. Tick, \n[41]Is Chet watching us? ", "VAUGHN": "\n[1]You don't got enough dicks to keep you warm in that place? \n[2]Well, Marisol...what I want is to get my money, kill that old ass man, then get the fuck out of here. \n[3]This is my impatient face. \n[4]I'm the only guy. You got it? \n[5]What the fuck did you do...rob a bank? 80. \n[6]I don't have any code. \n[7]I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. \n[8]What kind of stupid motherfucker wears a bomb to a drop? \n[9]I am my boss. \n[10]Motherfucker, I don't know no goddamn code. Whoever told you I did, lied to you. Now step the fuck off, or I'll shoot you in the face so you don't explode and mess up my boots. \n[11]The only way you're getting this money back is if you kill me. \n[12]Do I look sympathetic? Now step the fuck aside. \n[13]Who the fuck do you think you're talking to!? \n[14]Let me give you a hint: your boy just jumped me, tossed my bitch like a rag doll and split with the cash. \n[15]Confusion? The only motherfucker that's confused is you. Apparently, you think you can fuck me and survive the day. \n[16]Did you just call me a pawn, you stupid fuck!? \n[17]I want my money. Right now. \n[18]This isn't a reservation at Sizzler! You don't \"bump\" it! I want you to bring me my money right now, to where I am standing in this shit hole town, bleeding from the motherfucking face! \n[19]The deal's off! You just became the hit! \n[20]Just stay where you are, old man. \n[21]I'm looking for your son. \n[22]Don't be stupid. \n[23]I see where your son gets his common sense. 92. \n[24]But you might want to readjust your attitude, because I ain't fucking around. I want Dwayne. I don't know why you'd want to protect him, the motherfucker hired me to kill you. \n[25]Just tell me where he is! \n[26]What now, old man!? You can't kill me! None of y'all can kill me! \n[27]Motherfucker has lost his mind... \n[28]Hold the fuck up. \n[29]Wasn't expecting to see you here. \n[30]Nice mask, Dwayne. Now throw the money over here. \n[31]I've been hit with a pipe, shot with a pen, and wasted my whole motherfucking day...all because of you and this job. \n[32]I will. And then I'm gonna tie up the two loose ends in the gorilla masks. \n[33]You're a fucking idiot. You are as loose as ends get. 101. \n[34]What the - ", "JUICY": "\n[1]Oh yeah? What happened to her? \n[2]I hope you're not one of those guys that comes here looking to get mothered. \n[3]Sure. Whatever you say. Maybe just keep quiet for a while, forget about your old man and let me do my thing. \n[4]What kinda inheritance? 12. \n[5]You know, with a million bucks, you could have anything. Be like a king. King Dwayne. \n[6]Practice makes perfect. \n[7]Let me ask you a question...do you really hate your daddy? \n[8]Then maybe I can help you get that money now. Before he spends another penny. \n[9]I know a guy in Baltimore. He could help you out. Probably do it for... ...100Gs. 13. \n[10]Kill your mean old dad. \n[11]So, what do you think...you ready for your crown? \n[12]I missed you so much, baby. \n[13]You know it's not like that. Those guys get Juicy, but you get Marisol. \n[14]Then that's how it's gonna go. We're just waiting on a call. \n[15]Well, I think I can keep you entertained. \n[16]Vaughn, look out! \n[17]He lives with his daddy. You already got the address. 88. ", "MAJOR": "\n[1]I bought that TV set so I could watch my programs, not so you and your friend could louse up my couch. \n[2]The only thing common in this house is you. You remind me of your damn mother. Fat, dumb, and in my way. \n[3]I paid for the damn cold cuts, too. Maybe if you had a job, or a fucking prospect, or a clue how to find any of the above, I'd let you eat 'em. \n[4]That's what it takes, boy. In the Corps, men like you wore dresses to keep us entertained. \n[5]Dwayne? \n[6]Even if I knew where he was, I wouldn't tell you nothing. \n[7]You know, I saved a black man's life in the shit. So if I took yours I'd be even. \n[8]You think I'm scared of death? There's a whole generation of gooks that think I'm the grim reaper. \n[9]I'll ride you all the way to hell! I know exactly how to get there! \n[10]Go on and - \n[11]Dwayne... \n[12]Some guy...said you hired him to kill me. \n[13]Look at you...lip quivering like you're getting fucked...be a man. \n[14]You mean...like those whorehouses...in 'Nam...I used to tell you about? \n[15]Medics are late...probably a couple lazy spicks...you tell 'em I said so...all right, son? \n[16]Hell of thing...I think I may...actually respect you now. ", "CHRISTOPHER": "\n[1]You have a pretty good shift? \n[2]Oh, yeah? 'Cause, I got some kids calling in saying you ripped them off. Promised to buy them beer or something. \n[3]That's real funny. But I'm trying to run a business here. \n[4]I don't wanna hear another one of your bullshit excuses. You're fired. \n[5]You know, you were an okay driver half the time. And you're not a Puerto Rican. Which means something to me. \n[6]I guess I could rehire you, on a provisional basis. Of course, this would be at the slightly reduced \"new company rate.\" \n[7]I don't know. Is there anyone else left in town for you to work for? 5. \n[8]Come on, wake up and get to work. \n[9]How should I know? It's 30 minutes away or the pizza comes out of your paycheck. Tick tock. ", "FAT MAN": "\n[1]I think she got the femoral artery! \n[2]Fuck you! Who slides a gun like that!? \n[3]Why is no one getting me help!? \n[4]Just call me an ambulance! \n[5]But it hurts so bad. \n[6]This is an awful story! This isn't a bank error in my favor! I got shot! \n[7]My leg really hurts! "}}