Created Republic Navy Intro.txt #3959
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data/Republic Navy Intro.txt
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| # Copyright (c) 2014 by Michael Zahniser | |||
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i believe i still have 22 days :p fite me
As for the (c) 2014, im not the holder
| on complete | ||
| payment 30000 | ||
| dialog | ||
| `As you land on <destination> the woman approaches you again. "Thank you on behalf of not only the Republic, but everyone who uses my network. You have earned your payment of <payment>"` |
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Do we want to name the person here seeing as the name is already know.
And is the network hers or the republics.
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I see the network as being a series of essentially internet relays. The Republic uses, deploys, and maintains some of the relays, but others are handled by private organizations - such as the Syndicate, utilities companies, and beyond.
This specific reach of space is maintained by the Republic, but is a public fund
| ` "Your file lead me to believe otherwise," says Shah, "No matter then, we will be sure to update our record and will be working with other contractors in the future."` | ||
| decline | ||
| label asking | ||
| ` "Her face darkens. "I won't try to convince you if you're not interested."` |
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| mission "Republic Bounty 1" | ||
| name "Republic Bounty Hunting" | ||
| description `Hunt down the <npc>, a pirate ship that's been assaulting miners in the Boral system.` |
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I'm very wary of the use of contractions here, outside of dialogue.
| on offer | ||
| conversation | ||
| `You barely have time to find your bearings in this spaceport when you're approached by a man in a crisp, black Republic uniform.` | ||
| ` "You look like you're looking for work." He says, in a surprisingly cheerful tone. "We're in need of someone to deal some pirates that have been causing trouble near Boral. Not normally something we'd contract out, but luckily for you we're a little short on free ships right now.` |
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work." He says, -> work," he says,
There should also be a quotation mark at the end of this paragraph.
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| on complete | ||
| payment 175000 | ||
| dialog `Upon landing, the commander greets you in a way that almost seems surprised to see you've succeeded. "The Republic needs more captains like you. Hopefully this payment of <payment> will be enough to convince you to help us out the next time." You nod. "Captain <last>, correct?" He says, and barely gives you enough time to agree before he continues speaking. "Right. I'm Commander Kent, in case I didn't introduce myself. I'll be keeping an eye out for you in case we ever need more assistance." ` |
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Upon landing, the commander greets you in a way that almost seems surprised to see you've succeeded.
This is a bit awkwardly phrased to me.
correct?" He says -> correct?" he says
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| mission "Republic Bounty 2" | ||
| name "Republic Bounty Hunting" | ||
| description `Kill a known criminal aboard the the <npc>. It was last spotted in the Alnasl system.` |
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I think the "it" pronoun here is ambiguous; "it" could refer either to the criminal or the ship.
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note "the the".
try "...the <npc>, which was ..." now "it" (which) could refer to either
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| conversation | ||
| `Before you can decide where you want to go in the spaceport, you are flagged down by a Republic officer. This time, a dour woman with black hair in a tight bun. "Captain <last>?" She asks. You nod. "I'm Captain Shah. Commander Kent has you listed as a privateer." She says in a quick, clipped tone. "We've been made aware that a criminal has been spotted near Alnasl. He is wanted dead." ` |
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a Republic officer. This time, a dour woman ...
This second sentence can't stand alone, because there is no verb. Two options I'd look at:
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a Republic officer, this time a dour woman ...
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a Republic officer. This time, your contact is a dour woman ...
"Captain <last>?" She asks. -> "Captain <last> she asks.
as a privateer." She says -> as a privateer," she says
Also, there's a trailing space at the end of the paragraph.
| ` "Sure, that sounds simple enough."` | ||
| ` "Sorry, that sounds way too dangerous."` | ||
| decline | ||
| ` "Fantastic. It's a Falcon named the <npc>, last seen near Yed Prior. If it is alien technology, we'll be the first in the Republic to see it, how exciting.` |
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There should be a closing quotation mark.
| accept | ||
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| on accept | ||
| log "Volunteered to scan a ship in Free Worlds space that might be armed with Alien technology." |
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There is no reason to capitalize alien here.
| "assisted Republic" ++ | ||
| dialog `Soon after you land, Jane comes to your ship and pays you <payment> in exchange for your sensor logs regarding <npc>. "No alien tech, I see." She says, sounding dissapointed. "While that would have been a great find, I will admit I'm happy I don't have to figure out how to defend against it. I've let my supervisors know how helpful you've been, hopefully we can work together again soon." ` | ||
| payment 50000 | ||
| log "Captain Melgrew says she has put a good word in for me with her superiors." |
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I think this whole Navy Scouting line is way too similar to the Free Worlds Recon line.
| ` "I hope to have a ship like that someday, and I just wanted a shopping list of what I would need."` | ||
| goto equipment | ||
| label alien | ||
| ` "Alien, well maybe to someone flying a tub like yours," he says, chuckling. "No, I promise you this is all standard human fare."` |
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This first blurb reads awkwardly to me. I would change it to "Alien? well, maybe to ...
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But also capitalize "Well"
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| # Copyright (c) <whenever> by Michael Zahniser | |||
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Actually, since you wrote this whole thing, wouldn't the copyright belong to you?
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an example is the base game marauders.txt where instead of MZ it says "Copyright (c) 2016 by Iaz Poolar"
so yes, whoever actually wrote this should have their name (or username if unwanted) in the copyright file instead of MZ
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Seeing as how Kiko has called it quits, I think this can be closed. I believe @Disiuze expressed an interest in picking up where Kiko left off. |
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I still exist and can be contacted if people want to pick my brain. That being said you are absolutely free to close this. I have no intention of continuing this or working on any of the suggested comments. With my life being as crazy as it has been, this fun side project and hobby became too stressful and consuming, so i had to back out. Best way to get in touch with me is via Facebook, just send a message request first. You can also PM me via discord, and i can still be found on Kat and Brick's RP server - albeit in an inactive and reduced capacity. I can also be found, of course, on Steam. |
The current state of the Navy Intro with only two complete chains.