An Unreasonable HipChat Bot
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README.md

This is a HipChat version of the 'jbot' IRC bot, originally "developed" at Yahoo! in 2007, and which can be found in the 'old/irc' subdir.

This variant was created as a rewrite in Go for HipChat in July 2016 by Jan Schaumann (@jschauma / jschauma@netmeister.org). Many thanks to Yahoo for letting me play around with nonsense like this.

You should be able to run the bot by populating a configuration file with suitable values. The following configuration values are required:

   password = the HipChat password of the bot user
   jabberID = the HipChat / JabberID of the bot user
   fullName = how the bot presents itself
   mentionName = to which name the bot responds to

You may optionally also set the following configuration values:

    channelFile = pathname where to store a state file
    debug = whether to enable debugging output
    hcName = your hipchat service name
    opsgenieApiKey = an API key to access OpsGenie

This bot has a bunch of features that are company internal; those features have been removed from this public version.

Some day this should be extended into a pluggable bot, so that internal code can more easily be kept apart, I suppose. Pull requests welcome etc.

Some of the URLs used by the bot reference simple text documents hosted on an internal server. This is so as to not rely on outside resources and their flimsy markups as well as to control the contents somewhat. You can update the URLS map in jbot.go.


Interacting with the bot:

Getting jbot to join your channel:

/invite jbot

Getting jbot to leave your channel:

!leave

jbot responds to:

  • commands invoked via '!command' -- see '!help'
  • commands invoked via @-mentioning the bot: !command => "@jbot command" !command arg => "@jbot command arg"

If 'chatter' is not toggled off (it is on by default), jbot will also:

  • reply to any statement that is addressed to it: How are you today, jbot? jbot, you suck

  • chime in with certain semi-random replies (sure, you got the source, but the fun part is figuring out what triggers what type of response); some of these responses are throttled to avoid too repetitive annoyances

You may wish to '!toggle chatter' to turn all that off.

All private messages to jbot are interpreted as commands. You cannot engage in a private conversation with jbot.

Supported commands

The full list of public features can be seen via the "!help" command.

The following is a list of commands supported as of 2016-09-09 with examples.

!8ball <question> -- ask the magic 8-ball

Ask the magic 8-ball. You get the expected reply. E.g.:

16:16 <jschauma> !8ball is this a useful feature?
16:16 <jbot> My sources say no.

!asn <hostname|ip|asn> -- display information about ASN

16:20 <jschauma> !asn www.yahoo.com
16:20 <jbot> 36646   | 98.138.49.66     | YAHOO-NE1 - Yahoo, US
16:20 <jschauma> !asn 98.138.49.66
16:20 <jbot> 36646   | 98.138.49.66     | YAHOO-NE1 - Yahoo, US
16:20 <jschauma> !asn 36646
16:20 <jbot> YAHOO-NE1 - Yahoo, US

!channels -- display channels I'm in

16:22 <jschauma> !channels
16:22 <jbot> I'm in the following 2 channels:
16:22 <jbot> foo, bar

!clear [num] -- clear the screen / backlog

Suppose you had a NSFW comment in your room, or wish to scroll an annoying gif off screen by e.g. 15 lines. You can run:

16:23 <jschauma> !clear 15
16:23 <jbot> /code ...............
16:23 <jbot> ..............
16:23 <jbot> .............
16:23 <jbot> ............
16:23 <jbot> ...........
16:23 <jbot> ..........
16:23 <jbot> .........
16:23 <jbot>  ______
16:23 <jbot> < clear >
16:23 <jbot>  -------
16:23 <jbot>         \   ^__^
16:23 <jbot>          \  (oo)\_______
16:23 <jbot>             (__)\       )\/\
16:23 <jbot>                 ||----w |
16:23 <jbot>                 ||     ||

!cowsay <something> -- cowsay(1) something

16:25 <jschauma> !cowsay moo
16:25 <jbot> /code  _____
16:25 <jbot> < moo >
16:25 <jbot>  -----
16:25 <jbot>         \   ^__^
16:25 <jbot>          \  (oo)\_______
16:25 <jbot>             (__)\       )\/\
16:25 <jbot>                 ||----w |
16:25 <jbot>                 ||     ||

!curses [<user>] -- check your curse count

16:26 <jschauma> !curses
16:26 <jbot> shit (2), fuck (1)
16:26 <jschauma> !curses lord
16:26 <jbot> Looks like lord has been behaving so
far.

!cve <cve-id> -- display vulnerability description

16:27 <jschauma> !cve CVE-2016-5385
16:27 <jbot> PHP through 7.0.8 does not attempt to address RFC 3875 section 4.1.18 namespace
              conflicts and therefore does not protect applications from the presence of untrusted
              client data in the HTTP_PROXY environment variable, which might allow remote
              attackers to redirect an application's outbound HTTP traffic to an arbitrary proxy
              server via a crafted Proxy header in an HTTP request, as demonstrated by (1) an
              application that
16:27 <jbot> makes a getenv('HTTP_PROXY') call or (2) a CGI configuration of PHP, aka an "httpoxy"
              issue.
16:27 <jbot> https://cve.mitre.org/cgi-bin/cvename.cgi?name=CVE-2016-5385

!fml -- display an FML quote

Note: possibly NSFW.

16:28 <jschauma> !fml
16:28 <jbot> Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed.
              My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house.
              FML

!fortune -- print a random, hopefully interesting, adage

16:28 <jschauma> !fortune
16:28 <jbot> Denver, n.:
16:28 <jbot> A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.

!help [all|<command>] -- show help

10:49 <jans> !help
10:49 <jbot> I know 32 commands.
10:49 <jbot> Use '!help all' to show all commands.
10:49 <jbot> Ask me about a specific command via '!help <cmd>'.
10:49 <jbot> If you find me annoyingly chatty, just '!toggle chatter'.
10:49 <jbot> To ask me to leave a channel, say '!leave'.
10:50 <jans> !help help
10:50 <jbot> !help [all|<command>] -- display this help
16:28 <jans> !help all
16:28 <jbot> These are commands I know:
16:28 <jbot> 8ball, asn, by, channels, clear, cowsay, curses, cve, fml, fortune,
              help, host, info, insult, jira, leave, ping, quote, rfc,
              room, seen, set, speb, stfu, tfln, throttle, tld, toggle, trivia, ud,
              unset, user, vu, weather, wtf

!host <host> -- host lookup

Just like host(1).

16:29 <jschauma> !host www.yahoo.com
16:29 <jbot> www.yahoo.com is an alias for fd-fp3.wg1.b.yahoo.com.
16:29 <jbot> fd-fp3.wg1.b.yahoo.com has address 98.138.49.66
16:29 <jbot> fd-fp3.wg1.b.yahoo.com has IPv6 address 2001:4998:44:204::a8

!how <command> -- show how a command is implemented

11:38 <jschauma> !how tld
11:38 <jbot> whois -h whois.iana.org

!info <channel> -- display info about a channel

16:29 <jschauma> !info
16:29 <jbot> I was invited into #jtest by jans.
16:29 <jbot> These are the users I've seen in #jtest:
16:29 <jbot> jbot, jans
16:29 <jbot> Top 10 channel chatterers for #jtest:
16:29 <jbot> jans (69), jbot (2)
16:29 <jbot> These are the toggles for this channel:
16:29 <jbot> chatter => true, python => true, trivia => true
16:29 <jbot> This channel is currently unthrottled.

!insult <somebody> -- insult somebody

16:30 <jschauma> !insult Donald Trump
16:30 <jbot> Donald Trump: Thou saucy unchin-snouted lout!

!jira <ticket> -- display info about a jira ticket

16:02 <jschauma> !jira foo-123
16:02 <jbot> Summary : do the foo thing
16:02 <jbot> Status  : Done
16:02 <jbot> Created : 2016-07-30T00:06:03.000+0000
16:02 <jbot> Assignee: foo
16:02 <jbot> Reporter: jschauma
16:02 <jbot> Link    : https://jira-url/browse/foo-123

!leave -- cause me to leave the current channel

Self-explanatory, hopefully.

!oncall <group> --- show who's oncall

This will attempt to look up an oncall schedule in OpsGenie. This option requires the 'opsgenieApiKey' configuration option to be set.

jbot tries to be helpful and display possible groups if it can't find the on you're looking for.

If you want to save yourself some typing, you can also set a default oncall group for your channel via the 'set' command. E.g.:

16:06 <jschauma> !set
16:06 <jbot> There currently are no settings for #jtest.
16:07 <jschauma> !oncall
16:07 <jbot> No such group: jtest
16:07 <jschauma> !oncall jbot
16:07 <jbot> No OpsGenie schedule found for 'jbot'.
16:07 <jbot> Possible candidates:
16:07 <jbot> JBOT_Support, JBOT_ERMAGEHRD
16:08 <jschauma> !oncall JBOT_Support
16:08 <jbot> US: jschauma
16:08 <jbot> EU: jschauma
16:08 <jschauma> !oncall JBOT_ERMAGEHRD
16:08 <jbot> Schedule found in OpsGenie for 'JBOT_ERMAGEHRD', but nobody's currently oncall.
16:08 <jbot> You can try contacting the members of team 'JBOT_ERMAGEHRD':
16:08 <jbot> jschauma@netmeister.org

!ping <hostname> -- try to ping hostname

16:32 <jschauma> !ping www.yahoo.com
16:32 <jbot> www.yahoo.com is alive.

!praise [<somebody>] -- praise somebody

20:43 <jschauma> !praise jbot
20:43  * jbot blushes.
20:43 <jschauma> !praise somebody
20:43 <jbot> somebody: You're nicer than a day on the beach.
20:43 <jschauma> !praise
20:43 <jbot> jbot (18), somebody (1)

!quote <symbol> -- show stock price information

16:32 <jschauma> !quote yhoo
16:32 <jbot> yhoo: 44.30 (-0.36 - -0.81%)

!rfc <rfc> -- show RFC title and URL

16:33 <jschauma> !rfc 3514
16:33 <jbot> The Security Flag in the IPv4 Header
16:33 <jbot> https://tools.ietf.org/html/rfc3514

!room <room> -- show information about the given HipChat room

16:34 <jschauma> !room bot
16:34 <jbot> No room with that exact name found.
16:34 <jbot> Some possible candidates might be:
16:34 <jbot> bot bot bot - bot stuff
16:34 <jbot> jbot-test - test
16:34 <jbot> ...
16:34 <jschauma> !room bot bot bot
16:34 <jbot> 'bot bot bot' (public)
16:34 <jbot> Topic: bot stuff
16:34 <jbot> Owner: jschauma
16:34 <jbot> https://<company>.hipchat.com/history/room/2906069

!seen <user> [<channel>] -- show last time <user> was seen in <channel>

jbot can only see users in channels its in.

16:36 <jschauma> !seen alice
16:36 <jbot> I have not seen that user in #jtest.
16:36 <jschauma> !seen bob someroom
16:36 <jbot> I'm not currently in #someroom.
16:36 <jschauma> !seen jschauma
16:36 <jbot> Thu Sep  8 20:36:54 UTC 2016

!set [name=value] -- set 'name' to 'value'

Set a channel setting.

!speb -- show a security problem excuse bingo result

16:44 <jschauma> !speb
16:44 <jbot> You're just an academic.

!stfu [<user>] -- show channel chatterers

16:44 <jschauma> !stfu
16:44 <jbot> jans (88), bob (24), alice (13)

!tfln -- display a text from last night

Note: Possibly NSFW.

16:46 <jschauma> !tfln
16:46 <jbot> I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was
              talking about.

!throttle -- show or set throttles in this channel

Certain triggers only kick in unless it's previously been triggered within a given time frame. You can check which ones you're currently throttled for using this command.

!tld [<tld>] -- display tld information

17:05 <jschauma> !tld de
17:05 <jbot> Organization: DENIC eG
17:05 <jbot> Contact     : vorstand@denic.de
17:05 <jbot> Whois       : whois.denic.de
17:05 <jbot> Status      : ACTIVE
17:05 <jbot> Created     : 1986-11-05
17:05 <jbot> URL         : http://www.denic.de/

!time [location] -- show the current time (in the given location)

16:59 <jschauma> !time
16:59 <jbot> Tue Nov  1 20:59:19 UTC 2016
16:59 <jbot> Tue Nov  1 16:59:19 EDT 2016
16:59 <jbot> Tue Nov  1 13:59:19 PDT 2016
16:59 <jschauma> !time new york
16:59 <jbot> Tue Nov  1 16:59:23 EDT 2016
16:59 <jschauma> !time taipei
16:59 <jbot> Wed Nov  2 04:59:48 CST 2016
17:01 <jschauma> !time Portugal
17:01 <jbot> Tue Nov  1 21:01:35 WET 2016

!tld [<tld>] -- display tld information

17:05 <jschauma> !tld de
17:05 <jbot> Organization: DENIC eG
17:05 <jbot> Contact     : vorstand@denic.de
17:05 <jbot> Whois       : whois.denic.de
17:05 <jbot> Status      : ACTIVE
17:05 <jbot> Created     : 1986-11-05
17:05 <jbot> URL         : http://www.denic.de/

!toggle [<feature>] -- toggle a feature

Turn on or off a feature. Most useful for turning off 'chatter' (see above).

!trivia -- show a random piece of trivia

16:48 <jschauma> !trivia
16:48 <jbot> Sleeping on the job is acceptable in Japan, as it is seen as exhaustion from working
              too hard.

!ud <term> -- look up a term using the Urban Dictionary (NSFW)

Note: possibly NSFW

16:48 <jschauma> !ud food
16:48 <jbot> food: a substance you eat,then poop out.usually followed my a nap.
16:48 <jbot> Example: hungry.....need food....

!unset name -- unset a channel setting

Unset a per-channel setting.

!user <user>-- show information about the given HipChat user

16:49 <jschauma> !user alice
16:49 <jbot> No such user: alice
16:49 <jschauma> !user bob
16:49 <jbot> No user with that exact name found.
16:49 <jbot> Some possible candidates might be:
16:49 <jbot> Bob Marley <bobmarley@domain.com> (bobc)
16:49 <jbot> Bobby Tables <btables';drop table students;@domain.com>
16:49 <jbot> ...
16:52 <jschauma> !user 1234567
16:52 <jbot> Jan Schaumann <jschauma@netmeister.org> (jschauma)

!vu <num> -- display summary of a CERT vulnerability

16:57 <jschauma> !vu 797896
16:57 <jbot> CGI web servers assign Proxy header values from client requests to internal
              HTTP_PROXY environment variables
16:57 <jbot> Web servers running in a CGI or CGI-like context may assign client request Proxy
              header values to internal HTTP_PROXY environment variables. This vulnerability can be
              leveraged to conduct man-in-the-middle (MITM) attacks on internal subrequests or to
              direct the server to initiate connections to arbitrary hosts.
16:57 <jbot> https://www.kb.cert.org/vuls/id/797896

!weather <location> -- show weather information

16:57 <jschauma> !weather nyc
16:57 <jbot> Conditions for New York, NY, US at 04:00 PM EDT
16:57 <jbot> Today   : Partly Cloudy (Low: 72; High: 86)
16:57 <jbot> Tomorrow: Partly Cloudy (Low: 79; High: 90)

!whocyberedme -- show who cybered you

15:27 <jschauma> !whocyberedme
15:27 <jbot> Crowd Strike confirms: The NSA cybered you using a PEBKAC DoS.

!wtf <term> -- decrypt acronyms

16:57 <jschauma> !wtf arp
16:57 <jbot> ARP: Address Resolution Protocol

Requirements:

Go 1.3

Installation:

go build jbot.go
install -c -m 755 jbot /somewhere/in/your/path/jbot

Questions/comments:

jschauma@netmeister.org

https://twitter.com/jschauma