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Semanticate
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<p>Elmer Gantry was drunk. He was eloquently drunk, lovingly and pugnaciously drunk. He leaned against the bar of the Old Home Sample Room, the most gilded and urbane saloon in Cato, Missouri, and requested the bartender to join him in “<span epub:type="se:name.music.song">The Good Old Summer Time</span>,” the waltz of the day.</p>
<p>Blowing on a glass, polishing it and glancing at Elmer through its flashing rotundity, the bartender remarked that he wasn’t much of a hand at this here singing business. But he smiled. No bartender could have done other than smile on Elmer, so inspired and full of gallantry and hell-raising was he, and so dominating was his beefy grin.</p>
<p>“All right, old socks,” agreed Elmer. “Me and my roommate’ll show you some singing as is singing! Meet roommate. Jim Lefferts. Bes’ roommate in world. Wouldn’t live with him if wasn’t! Bes’ quarterback in Milwest. Meet roommate.”</p>
<p>The bartender again met <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Lefferts, with protestations of distinguished pleasure.</p>
<p>The bartender again met <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> Lefferts, with protestations of distinguished pleasure.</p>
<p>Elmer and Jim Lefferts retired to a table to nourish the long, rich, chocolate strains suitable to drunken melody. Actually, they sang very well. Jim had a resolute tenor, and as to Elmer Gantry, even more than his bulk, his thick black hair, his venturesome black eyes, you remembered that arousing barytone. He was born to be a senator. He never said anything important, and he always said it sonorously. He could make “Good morning” seem profound as Kant, welcoming as a brass band, and uplifting as a cathedral organ. It was a cello, his voice, and in the enchantment of it you did not hear his slang, his boasting, his smut, and the dreadful violence which (at this period) he performed on singulars and plurals.</p>
<p>Luxuriously as a wayfarer drinking cool beer they caressed the phrases in linked sweetness long drawn out:</p>
<blockquote epub:type="z3998:song">
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<p>Chief adornment of their room was the escritoire of the first Gritzmacher, which held their library. Elmer owned two volumes of Conan Doyle, one of <abbr epub:type="z3998:given-name">E. P.</abbr> Roe, and a priceless copy of <i epub:type="se:name.publication.book">Only a Boy</i>. Jim had invested in an encyclopedia which explained any known subject in ten lines, in a <i epub:type="se:name.publication.book">Pickwick Papers</i>, and from some unknown source he had obtained a complete Swinburne, into which he was never known to have looked.</p>
<p>But his pride was in the possession of Ingersoll’s <i epub:type="se:name.publication.book">Some Mistakes of Moses</i>, and Paine’s <i epub:type="se:name.publication.book">The Age of Reason</i>. For Jim Lefferts was the college freethinker, the only man in Terwillinger who doubted that Lot’s wife had been changed into salt for once looking back at the town where, among the young married set, she had had so good a time; who doubted that Methuselah lived to nine hundred and sixty-nine.</p>
<p>They whispered of Jim all through the pious dens of Terwillinger. Elmer himself was frightened, for after giving minutes and minutes to theological profundities Elmer had concluded that “there must be something to all this religious guff if all these wise old birds believe it, and some time a fellow had ought to settle down and cut out the hell-raising.” Probably Jim would have been kicked out of college by the ministerial professors if he had not had so reverent a way of asking questions when they wrestled with his infidelity that they let go of him in nervous confusion.</p>
<p>Even the President, the <abbr>Rev.</abbr> <abbr>Dr.</abbr> Willoughby Quarles, formerly pastor of the Rock of Ages Baptist Church of Moline, <abbr>Ill.</abbr>, than whom no man had written more about the necessity of baptism by immersion, in fact in every way a thoroughly than-whom figure⁠—even when <abbr>Dr.</abbr> Quarles tackled Jim and demanded, “Are you getting the best out of our instruction, young man? Do you believe with us not only in the plenary inspiration of the Bible but also in its verbal inspiration, and that it is the only divine rule of faith and practise?” then Jim looked docile and said mildly:</p>
<p>Even the President, the <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Rev.</abbr> <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Dr.</abbr> Willoughby Quarles, formerly pastor of the Rock of Ages Baptist Church of Moline, <abbr>Ill.</abbr>, than whom no man had written more about the necessity of baptism by immersion, in fact in every way a thoroughly than-whom figure⁠—even when <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Dr.</abbr> Quarles tackled Jim and demanded, “Are you getting the best out of our instruction, young man? Do you believe with us not only in the plenary inspiration of the Bible but also in its verbal inspiration, and that it is the only divine rule of faith and practise?” then Jim looked docile and said mildly:</p>
<p>“Oh, yes, Doctor. There’s just one or two little things that have been worrying me, Doctor. I’ve taken them to the Lord in prayer, but he doesn’t seem to help me much. I’m sure you can. Now why did Joshua need to have the sun stand still? Of course it happened⁠—it <em>says</em> so right in Scripture. But why did he need to, when the Lord always helped those Jews, anyway, and when Joshua could knock down big walls just by having his people yell and blow trumpets? And if devils cause a lot of the diseases, and they had to cast ’em out, why is it that good Baptist doctors today don’t go on diagnosing devil-possession instead of <abbr epub:type="z3998:initialism">T.B.</abbr> and things like that? <em>Do</em> people have devils?”</p>
<p>“Young man, I will give you an infallible rule. Never question the ways of the Lord!”</p>
<p>“But why don’t the doctors talk about having devils now?”</p>
<p>“I have no time for vain arguments that lead nowhere! If you would think a little less of your wonderful powers of reasoning, if you’d go humbly to God in prayer and give him a chance, you’d understand the true spiritual significances of all these things.”</p>
<p>“But how about where Cain got his wife⁠—”</p>
<p>Most respectfully Jim said it, but <abbr>Dr.</abbr> Quarles (he had a chin-whisker and a boiled shirt) turned from him and snapped, “I have no further time to give you, young man! I’ve told you what to do. Good morning!”</p>
<p>That evening <abbr>Mrs.</abbr> Quarles breathed, “Oh, Willoughby, did you ’tend to that awful senior⁠—that Lefferts⁠—that’s trying to spread doubt? Did you fire him?”</p>
<p>Most respectfully Jim said it, but <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Dr.</abbr> Quarles (he had a chin-whisker and a boiled shirt) turned from him and snapped, “I have no further time to give you, young man! I’ve told you what to do. Good morning!”</p>
<p>That evening <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mrs.</abbr> Quarles breathed, “Oh, Willoughby, did you ’tend to that awful senior⁠—that Lefferts⁠—that’s trying to spread doubt? Did you fire him?”</p>
<p>“No,” blossomed President Quarles. “Certainly not. There was no need. I showed him how to look for spiritual guidance and⁠—Did that freshman come and mow the lawn? The idea of him wanting fifteen cents an hour!”</p>
<p>Jim was hair-hung and breeze-shaken over the abyss of hell, and apparently enjoying it very much indeed, while his wickedness fascinated Elmer Gantry and terrified him.</p>
</section>
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<p>“Aw, come <em>on</em>!”</p>
<p>“No, we <em>can’t</em>!”</p>
<p>“Yuh, fat chance you girls staying home and knitting! You got some fellows coming in and you want to get rid of us, that’s what’s the trouble.”</p>
<p>“It is not, <abbr>Mr.</abbr> James Lefferts, and it wouldn’t be any of your business if it was!”</p>
<p>“It is not, <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> James Lefferts, and it wouldn’t be any of your business if it was!”</p>
<p>While Jim and Nellie squabbled, Elmer slipped his hand about Juanita’s shoulder, slowly pressed her against him. He believed with terrible conviction that she was beautiful, that she was glorious, that she was life. There was heaven in the softness of her curving shoulder, and her pale flesh was living silk.</p>
<p>“Come on in the other room,” he pleaded.</p>
<p>“Oh⁠—no⁠—not now.”</p>
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</p>
</blockquote>
<p>The little man wriggled. “Well, sir, I never did hear that one! Say, that’s a knockout! By golly, that certainly is a knockout! Say, Elm, whacha doing in Monarch? Wancha meet some of the boys. The Pequot conference don’t really start till Monday, but some of us boys thought we’d kind of get together today and hold a little service of prayer and fasting before the rest of the galoots assemble. Like you to meet ’em. Best bunch of sports <em>you</em> ever saw, lemme tell you that! I’d like for you to meet ’em. And I’d like ’em to hear that toast. ‘Here’s to the port-wine in every lass.’ That’s pretty cute, all right! Whacha doing in Monarch? Can’t you come around to the Ishawonga Hotel and meet some of the boys when we get in?”</p>
<p><abbr>Mr.</abbr> Ad Locust was not drunk; not exactly drunk; but he had earnestly applied himself to the bourbon and he was in a state of superb philanthropy. Elmer had taken enough to feel reasonable. He was hungry, too, not only for alcohol but for unsanctimonious companionship.</p>
<p><abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> Ad Locust was not drunk; not exactly drunk; but he had earnestly applied himself to the bourbon and he was in a state of superb philanthropy. Elmer had taken enough to feel reasonable. He was hungry, too, not only for alcohol but for unsanctimonious companionship.</p>
<p>“I’ll tell you, Ad,” he said. “Nothing I’d like better, but I’ve got to meet a guy⁠—important dealer⁠—this afternoon, and he’s dead against all drinking. Fact⁠—I certainly do appreciate your booze, but don’t know’s I ought to have taken a single drop.”</p>
<p>“Oh, hell, Elm, I’ve got some throat pastilles that are absolutely guaranteed to knock out the smell⁠—absolutely. One lil drink wouldn’t do us any harm. Certainly would like to have the boys hear that toast of yours!”</p>
<p>“Well, I’ll sneak in for a second, and maybe I can foregather with you for a while late Sunday evening or Monday morning, but⁠—”</p>
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</section>
<section id="chapter-10-3" epub:type="z3998:subchapter">
<h3 epub:type="ordinal z3998:roman">III</h3>
<p>From the Ishawonga Hotel, at noon, Elmer telephoned to the office of <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Eversley, the brightest light of the Flowerdale Baptist Church. There was no answer.</p>
<p>From the Ishawonga Hotel, at noon, Elmer telephoned to the office of <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> Eversley, the brightest light of the Flowerdale Baptist Church. There was no answer.</p>
<p>“Everybody in his office out to dinner. Well, I’ve done all I can till this afternoon,” Elmer reflected virtuously, and joined the Pequot crusaders in the Ishawonga bar.⁠ ⁠… Eleven men in a booth for eight. Everyone talking at once. Everyone shouting, “Say, waiter, you ask that damn’ bartender if he’s <em>making</em> the booze!”</p>
<p>Within seventeen minutes Elmer was calling all of the eleven by their first names⁠—frequently by the wrong first names⁠—and he contributed to their literary lore by thrice reciting his toast and by telling the best stories he knew. They liked him. In his joy of release from piety and the threat of life with Lulu he flowered into vigor. Six several times the Pequot salesmen said one to another, “Now there’s a fellow we ought to have with us in the firm,” and the others nodded.</p>
<p>He was inspired to give a burlesque sermon.</p>
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<h3 epub:type="ordinal z3998:roman">IV</h3>
<p>In that era long-distance telephoning was an uncommon event, but Eversley, deacon and lawyer, was a bustler. When the new preacher had not appeared by six on Saturday afternoon, Eversley telephoned to Babylon, waited while Dean Trosper was fetched to the Babylon central, and spoke with considerable irritation about the absence of the ecclesiastical hired hand.</p>
<p>“I’ll send you Brother Hudkins⁠—a very fine preacher, living here now, retired. He’ll take the midnight train,” said Dean Trosper.</p>
<p>To the <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Hudkins the dean said, “And look around and see if you can find anything of Brother Gantry. I’m worried about him. The poor boy was simply in agony over a most unfortunate private matter⁠ ⁠… apparently.”</p>
<p>Now <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Hudkins had for several years conducted a mission on South Clark Street in Chicago, and he knew a good many unholy things. He had seen Elmer Gantry in classes at Mizpah. When he had finished Easter morning services in Monarch, he not only went to the police and to the hospitals but began a round of the hotels, restaurants, and bars. Thus it came to pass that while Elmer was merrily washing lobster down with California claret, stopping now and then to kiss the blonde beside him and (by request) to repeat his toast, that evening, he was being observed from the café door by the Reverend <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Hudkins in the enjoyable role of avenging angel.</p>
<p>To the <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> Hudkins the dean said, “And look around and see if you can find anything of Brother Gantry. I’m worried about him. The poor boy was simply in agony over a most unfortunate private matter⁠ ⁠… apparently.”</p>
<p>Now <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> Hudkins had for several years conducted a mission on South Clark Street in Chicago, and he knew a good many unholy things. He had seen Elmer Gantry in classes at Mizpah. When he had finished Easter morning services in Monarch, he not only went to the police and to the hospitals but began a round of the hotels, restaurants, and bars. Thus it came to pass that while Elmer was merrily washing lobster down with California claret, stopping now and then to kiss the blonde beside him and (by request) to repeat his toast, that evening, he was being observed from the café door by the Reverend <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> Hudkins in the enjoyable role of avenging angel.</p>
</section>
<section id="chapter-10-5" epub:type="z3998:subchapter">
<h3 epub:type="ordinal z3998:roman">V</h3>
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<p>“⁠—the faculty committee met this morning, and you are fired from Mizpah. Of course you remain an ordained Baptist minister. I could get your home association to cancel your credentials, but it would grieve them to know what sort of a lying monster they sponsored. Also, I don’t want Mizpah mixed up in such a scandal. But if I ever hear of you in any Baptist pulpit, I’ll expose you. Now I don’t suppose you’re bright enough to become a saloon-keeper, but you ought to make a pretty good bartender. I’ll leave your punishment to your midnight thoughts.”</p>
<p>Elmer whined, “You hadn’t ought⁠—you ought not to talk to me like that! Doesn’t it say in the Bible you ought to forgive seventy times seven⁠—”</p>
<p>“This is eighty times seven. Get out!”</p>
<p>So the Reverend <abbr>Mr.</abbr> Gantry surprisingly ceased to be, for practical purposes, a Reverend at all.</p>
<p>So the Reverend <abbr epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mr.</abbr> Gantry surprisingly ceased to be, for practical purposes, a Reverend at all.</p>
<p>He thought of fleeing to his mother, but he was ashamed; of fleeing to Lulu, but he did not dare.</p>
<p>He heard that Eddie Fislinger had been yanked to Schoenheim to marry Lulu and Floyd Naylor⁠ ⁠… a lonely grim affair by lamplight.</p>
<p>“They might have <em>ast</em> me, anyway,” grumbled Elmer, as he packed.</p>
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