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title: Love in the Time of MapReduce | |||
date: 02/04/2012 | |||
tags: notable | |||
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> This piece was written for an internal Google fiction contest, for the 100th | |||
edition of the engineering newsletter. The call to arms arrived in my inbox like | |||
so: | |||
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> > For this special Eng Newsletter issue, we're running a "google eng-y" short | |||
fiction contest. You can write about anything, but the story must begin with | |||
these two words: "The MapReduce". | |||
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~ | |||
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> Please note that some meaning may be lost on non-Googler's, notably the bits | |||
concerning company hierarchy. All the opinions expressed are my own and | |||
obviously do not constitute the workings of an actual Google plan, etc. Jeff Dean | |||
is a very nice man. This is a piece of fiction in almost every sense. | |||
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | |||
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The MapReduce was a piece of technology whose existence its steward, Jeff Dean, | |||
sometimes begrudged. It was glamorous, in a way, to be the public face of the | |||
algorithm that had essentially rewritten interpersonal contact, but it was also | |||
draining and surreal. | |||
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In one of Jeff's increasingly common attacks of perspective, he realized that | |||
his daughters, too, had been completely swept up by a thing that he himself had | |||
designed, built, and evangelized. They were, of course, perfectly happy with the | |||
product. Jeff noted this with a tinge of grim pride, remembering the long nights | |||
of trial runs. Victoria and Natalie were a bit too happy, Jeff mused, so | |||
completely satisfied with something they could never understand (indeed, that he | |||
himself no longer understood well), that he found their lack of doubt troubling. | |||
Why didn’t they care that it probably shouldn’t work, that time and computation | |||
could twist statistics in such a fundamentally disturbing way? It was probably | |||
due to both of them being so preoccupied with Natalie’s wedding, he concluded | |||
wearily. | |||
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Later, outside of his office, Irina was waiting for him. | |||
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“Jeff, you have a visitor waiting for you in your office,” she said. Something | |||
in her tone gave away the urgency of the situation, and Jeff nodded, having long | |||
grown used to trusting Irina to manage his calendar more deftly than he could | |||
tie his shoes. | |||
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His suited visitor was a trim man of about sixty, which was unusual enough for | |||
the Googleplex in terms of both age and dress. He wore his graying hair swept | |||
back and neatly cropped. With a start, Jeff realized that his visitor was none | |||
other than a senator of Iowa. | |||
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“I’m Robert Graves, and sorry about showing up so unannounced, Mr. Dean,” said | |||
the man, with a smile. Jeff paused for a moment to admire how finely | |||
countenanced the man was, and to feel a small thrill at being so delightfully | |||
underdressed, himself. | |||
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“You’re the senator pushing for patent reform. I don’t watch TV much, but I’ve | |||
seen you on when my wife watches the news.” Jeff shook his visitor’s hand and | |||
seated himself behind his desk. | |||
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“The very same. Look, I’ll spare you the pleasantries and get right to why I’ve | |||
come. I’m told that engineers prize truth and directness.” Jeff lifted an | |||
eyebrow at this, having found that lately he valued being left well enough alone | |||
better than both of those things. “As you well know, MapReduce is proving | |||
problematic, socially. FOX is filming a reality TV show at this very moment | |||
about an engaged couple who are convinced that after trying out their MapReduce | |||
partners, they’ll still want to get married.” | |||
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“Jesus. How’s it looking for the couple?” | |||
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“Not good. Even worse, they’re filming it in my hometown.” Graves massaged his | |||
temples. | |||
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Jeff was not surprised. MapReduce rarely erred. Though it had begun as a general | |||
purpose framework for parallelizing search index updates, it eventually lent | |||
itself to analyzing the massive amounts of user generated social data Google+ | |||
collected. In time, this would become all that MapReduce was known for (at least | |||
externally of Google), in a queer reversal of how the words escalator and | |||
aspirin came to describe all such contrivances, though they were once only | |||
brands. | |||
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“Basically the right is getting as much fuel as it wants for its eternal fire of | |||
shouting about our perpetual moral decay. On top of that, MapReduce is having a | |||
powerful economic impact, which doesn’t help. We’re having an employment | |||
problem, as you’ve doubtless inferred by now, since you must have all the | |||
numbers on how many people are using MapReduce to pair up.” | |||
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The first Jeff had heard about the phenomenon the media had dubbed as the | |||
“honeymoon effect,” had been from the news itself, but he nodded anyway. “My | |||
citizens are up and leaving jobs they’ve worked at for a decade to meet their | |||
dreamboat on the other side of the world. I mean, great for them, but our | |||
coffers weren’t in great shape before, and your invention is a drain we can’t | |||
possibly afford right now, never mind the bad press. As much as I am for the | |||
future, I desperately need you to stop operating in my state.” | |||
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Jeff suppressed the urge to tell the man to just contact press@google.com, and | |||
instead reluctantly launched into a narrative he had delivered many times | |||
before. “I’m sure you’ve seen and read all the press releases about this. What | |||
we do isn’t terribly new. We provide a service that users want. In a sense, we | |||
provide nothing more than what eHarmony and Match.com have been providing for | |||
years, just with much less uncertainty and a bigger candidate pool.” | |||
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Robert snorted. “I’d hardly call ‘every Google user on Earth’ a bigger pool. | |||
Your operation is different, too. You know all the things that people have | |||
searched for, and all the things they’re too ashamed to search for. You know why | |||
some actresses draw men to them, and which men women will wait hours to receive | |||
texts from. Those bankrupt dating sites had only the constructed personas of the | |||
desperate to work with. There’s a case that could be made here for unlawful | |||
invasion of privacy and monopolistic abuse of information.” | |||
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A Googler rode past Jeff’s window on a small yellow bicycle. Jeff focused on the | |||
bright colors to briefly escape his current uncomfortable tension. | |||
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If Graves was right about anything, it was that MapReduce was uncannily | |||
effective. Through what some people might call sorcery, or what Jeff's team | |||
leads described as “massively parallel Bayesian-adapted machine learning plus | |||
deep social mining,” it was able to identify, with nearly 97% confidence, a | |||
lifetime romantic partner for any given user. The algorithm could even supply | |||
just the right amount of shared interests as conversation starters, while | |||
leaving enough unsaid for the nascent couple to discover independently, leaving | |||
them feeling as if they had come to know each other intimately of their own | |||
volition. Some people found this deeply unnerving. | |||
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Even those people commonly derided by society could find love in this way, | |||
though MapReduce might take weeks instead of seconds to produce a suitable | |||
pairing. People of every sexual deviancy and every personal vice were being | |||
matched up, to the horror of the many people alienated by the brutal efficiency | |||
of MapReduce’s perfect lack of bias. | |||
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In short, romantic fulfillment was, for most people, little more work than | |||
clicking “I’m feeling lucky” and buying a plane ticket. This is what the people | |||
wanted more than anything else. Graves knew it, and Jeff knew that Graves knew | |||
it. Furthermore, Jeff knew that Graves was powerless to do anything about it, so | |||
strongly did the public crave MapReduce’s presence in the world. Yet Jeff felt | |||
sympathy for Grave’s willingness to shoulder the impossible task of squaring the | |||
budget against falling revenues and changing social tides. | |||
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“Mr. Graves, I understand your dilemma. The last thing you need right now is the | |||
income rug pulled out from under you. But look at it this way: about half of | |||
those people who have gone and paired off will probably come back to their | |||
hometown, bride or husband in tow, so your population will probably end up about | |||
even. After these couples outgrow their honeymoon period, they’ll settle down, | |||
work, have kids, and spend with an intensity that only the truly content can | |||
bring to bear. In the coming decade, your books might even make it into the | |||
black.” | |||
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Robert was not easily placated. “Can you say for certain that this is the way | |||
its going to play out? The world has never seen this kind of mass social | |||
movement. What if the people become complacent instead of motivated? What if | |||
your algorithms can’t guarantee long term stability?” | |||
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Jeff had an inner conflict. As usual, the side favoring the least amount of | |||
social friction won out. “We’re the ones who managed to pair everyone up so well | |||
in the first place, aren’t we? The models say the population will eventually | |||
converge on a higher level of stable productivity. I can’t promise you it’s | |||
going to happen, of course, but here at Google we have pretty high hopes for the | |||
future.” | |||
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The two men talked in this way for some time. The elder statesman pushed and the | |||
younger (but not exactly young) engineer deflected until the senator grew weary | |||
or satisfied enough to defer discussion to a later date. Jeff had managed to end | |||
the meeting with only vague promises, a surprising talent that had earned him | |||
his relative autonomy from Larry Page’s inner circle. Later he would have to | |||
file a report, naturally, detailing the intricacies of his conversation with the | |||
senator, but for now Page trusted him to keep third parties at arm’s length on | |||
his own. | |||
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Later that evening, after a quiet supper with Heidi, Jeff lay in bed thinking. | |||
The models actually didn’t say much about the economic reality of the future. | |||
The social data that allowed his team to pair people so effectively seemed to | |||
shrug mutely at the problem of what the future might be like. He had assured | |||
Graves that everything would be fine, but by the time Jeff could be proved | |||
wrong, he would be long retired. | |||
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Sleep took him. He dreamt, which was not unusual (though he didn’t know it), but | |||
he also remembered his dreams from that night, which was. He dreamt of a young | |||
man smashing a perfect chalice in a decrepit hallway, and of women who laughed | |||
while they danced away from their homes. | |||
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When he woke, Jeff knew what he had to do. | |||
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Sanjay probably could be trusted, but Jeff couldn’t take the chance. He would | |||
split his change into pieces, and sneak them into other, tangentially related | |||
changelists. The other developers on his team would probably rubber stamp these, | |||
anyway, since Jeff was one of the most prolific programmers there was. Who would | |||
look at yet another Jeff Dean code review too closely? | |||
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What did it mean to adhere to Google’s famed “Don’t be Evil” policy, when it | |||
came to arranging marriages? The standard Google answer would be to make the | |||
user as happy as possible without violating their trust. But what trust was | |||
there to violate if users themselves didn’t know what they wanted in | |||
relationships, or what would truly make them happy? Marriages are long lived | |||
beasts, Jeff reasoned, subject to slowly building changes in the macroeconomic | |||
climate. If marriages affect the economy, and the economy affects all marriages, | |||
what should you optimize for, and how? | |||
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Jeff’s changelists were approved, as a matter of course. Years later, he | |||
retired. The day he first started noticing what might have been the fruits of | |||
his subversion ripen, he remembered a thing that his old mentor Urs loved to | |||
say, before Urs had left him in charge. | |||
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“It is better to ask forgiveness than permission,” Hölzle would often chuckle, | |||
in a particularly German way. Jeff chuckled now, too. | |||
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Wired was doing a bio piece on a recently minted tech millionaire. The man was | |||
one of the few people for whom MapReduce’s pairing hadn’t worked out in the long | |||
term. When asked what had motivated him to start the company he had just sold, | |||
the man somewhat abashedly said that he wanted to prove to his ex-wife that | |||
dumping him was a mistake. | |||
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Ambition and talent sometimes survive contact with love, Jeff mused, but are | |||
more often dulled by it. MapReduce could identify those individuals who are | |||
defined by intelligence, drive, and pride. In other words, the archetypal | |||
entrepreneur. A few modified terms in a complex linear algebra equation could | |||
yield surprising results, Jeff had discovered, like optimizing for romantic | |||
partners that would net the largest increase in a person’s ambition, rather than | |||
happiness. A lot of the unfortunate people of talent singled out by Jeff’s | |||
modification would probably yield little value, but one, he hoped, would build | |||
the next Google. Jeff longed to see that day. | |||
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