Dad style programming jokes
submit your own, if they make me laugh I'll merge them.
Unfortunately these jokes only work if you git them.
Q: Which body part does a programmer know best?
Q: Relationship status?
A: I'll leave the relations to the database.
Q: How do you get the code for the bank vault?
A: You checkout their branch.
Q: How did the developer announce their engagement?
Q: Why did the security conscious engineer refuse to pay their dinner bill?
A: Because they could not verify the checksum.
Q: What do you call a busy waiter?
A: A server.
Q: What do you call an idle server?
A: A waiter.
[Please Enter New Password] fortnight [Error: Password is Two Week]
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I’ve been hearing news about this big boolean.
Huge if true.
Q: What diet did the ghost developer go on?
Q: Why was the developer unhappy at their job?
A: They wanted arrays.
Q: Why did 10 get paid less than "10"?
A: There was workplace inequality.
Q: Why was the function sad after a successful first call?
A: It didn’t get a callback.
Q: Why did the angry function exceed the callstack size?
A: It got into an Argument with itself
Q: Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?
Q: Why did the developer ground their kid?
A: They weren't telling the truthy
Q: What did the array say after it was extended?
A: Stop objectifying me.
It's funny 'cause it's true.
Q: Where did the parallel function wash its hands?
Q: I'm starting a band called HTML Encoder
A: Looking to buy a guitar &
Q: Why did the functions stop calling each other?
A: Because they had constant arguments.
Q: What's the second movie about a database engineer called?
A: The SQL.
Q: Why doesn't Hollywood make more Big Data movies?
A programmer's significant other tells them, "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte!
Q: What does a baby computer call his father?
Q: Why did the computer keep sneezing?
A: It had a virus!
Q: What is a computer virus?
A: A terminal illness!
I never tell the same joke twice
I have a DRY sense of humor.
Q: Why was the computer freezing?
A: It left its Windows open!
Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?
A: Because it was looking for a byte to eat?
Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a life guard?
A: A screensaver!
Q: Where do all the cool mice live?
A: In their mousepads!
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
A: Lots of memory!
Java truly is an OOP language...
As in: OOPs I used Java!
Q: How do programming pirates pass method parameters?
Q: How do programming shepherds count their flock?
A: With lambda functions
Q: What airline do developers prefer when they're in a rush?
Q: How did pirates collaborate before computers ?
A: Pier to pier networking.
Q: Why don't bachelors like Git?
A: Because they are afraid to commit.
Q: A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks:
A: Can I JOIN you?
Q: How does a developer make a cheer?
A: ["hip","hip"] // (hip hip array!)
Q: Why was the developer's family upset with them at dinner?
A: They forgot to git squash before going home
Q: What did the proud React component say to its child?
A: I've got to give you props
Q: What did the server say to his client who was having a bad day?
A: Everything's going to be 200
Q: Why did the developer go broke?
A: Because they used up all their cache
Q: Are computers dangerous?
A: Nah, they don't byte. They just nibble a bit.
Q: How did the mafioso kill the Node server?
A: Tie await to it and let it async.
Q: You know what the best thing about booleans is?
A: Even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.
Q: Why do UPS drivers get nervous when their internet is unstable?
A: Because they might lose packets.
Q: Why couldn’t the user update a file on a shared server?
A: They didn’t have the write permissions
Q: What do you do when you can't understand your husband's behavior?
A: man man
Q: What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A: A URLogist
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware issue
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT == 25 DEC
Q: Why do kayakers make bad programmers?
A: Because they're afraid of waterfall.
Q: What are computers' favorite snacks?
A: Microchips, phish sticks, and cookies. But just a few bytes of each.
Q: What do computers love to do at the beach?
A: Put on some spam block for protection so they can safely surf the net while catching some .WAVs!
Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
Q: What's a compiler developer's favorite spice?
Q: When do front end developers go out to eat?
A: On their lunch
Q: A SQL developer walked into a NoSQL bar.
A: They left because they couldn't find a table.
Q: How do you help JS errors?
Q: Why don't parents teach their kids about regular expressions?
A: Because they don't want them playing with matches
Q: Why didn't the
<div /> get invited to the dinner party?
A: Because it had no class!
Q: Why aren't cryptocurrency engineers allowed to vote?
A: Because they're miners!
Q: Why did the constant break up with the variable?
A: Because they changed.
Q: Why did the database administrator leave his wife?
A: She had one-to-many relationships.
I Promise you, await and see.
Q: What did the Class say in court when put on trial?
A: I strongly object!
Q: Why do Java developers wear glasses?
A: Because they don't C#!
Q: What are the three hardest problems in computer science?
A: Naming things and off-by-one errors
Q: What did the fruit basket say to the developer?
A: I hope you're ready for some pear programming!
Q: How does a sysadmin keep a fire going?
A: They rotate the logs.
I've got a great UDP joke but I'm afraid you wouldn't get it...
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code. They refused to comment.
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
Q: I love you and I only love you. Does that turn you on?
AND GATE: No.
Q: Why do all HTML emails get blocked?
A: Because they are all
Q: What did the process say after working in an infinite loop all day?
A: I need a break.
Q: An Agent died unexpectedly. How was the crime solved?
A: By looking at the Stack Trace.
Q: Why did the document store go out of business?
A: It had NoSQL.
Q: Why can't SQL and NoSQL Developers date one other?
A: Because they don't agree on relationships.
Q: Why is Python like the Soviet Union?
A: Because it has no private fields
Q: Where did the API go to eat?
A: To the RESTaurant
Q: Why shouldn't you trust Matlab developers?
A: Because they're always plotting something.
Q: Why did the developer have to quit smoking?
A: Because they couldn't afford to pay the new syntax.
Q: How does a programmer open a jar for their significant other?
A: They install Java
Q: What did the psychic say to the developers?
A: I see dev people.
Q: Where does the pirate stash all of their digital treasures?
Q: What is React's favorite movie genre?
Q: Why couldn't the React component understand the joke?
A: Because it didn't get the context.
Q: What did XHR say to AJAX when it thought it was being a Mean Girl?
A: Stop trying to make fetch happen!
Q: What was Grace Hopper's favorite car?
A: VW Bug
Q: What sits on a pirate's shoulder and calls, "Pieces of seven, Pieces of seven"?
A: Parroty error.
Q: What is a pirate's favorite programming language?
A: You'd think it was R, but a pirate's first love is Objectively C.
Q: Why did the programmer come home crying?"
A: His friends were always boolean him.
- Knock Knock!
- An async function
- Who's there?
Q: What PostgreSQL library should Python developers use for adult-oriented code?
The next time you're using Safari or Firefox and it's running slowly, you can say to yourself, "I could've had a V8".
Q: What do you call a beverage that is 75% Root Beer, and 75% Ice Cream?
A: A Float
A: A room with a Vue.
Q: Where do developers drink?
A: The Foo bar
Q: Why was the engineer upset when the bartender served them
1 shot of whiskey?
A: Because they thought they ordered a double.
Q: Why do assembly programmers need to know how to swim?
A: Because they work below C level.
Q: Who used the internet before it was cool?
Q: What kind of computer can hold a musical note?
A: A Dell.
Q: Why did the web developer always go to the wrong hotel room?
A: They were in room 301.
Q: How do you stop a web developer stealing your stuff?
A: Write 403 on it.
Q: Why are machine learning models so fit?
A: Because they do weight training.
Q: Why did Gargamel shut down the internet?
A: Because he didn't want people SMURFING the web!
Q: What did the command line die of?
A: A Terminal illness.
Q: Did you hear what the clumsy cryptographer did to their password?
A: Made a hash of it.
Q: Why are keyboards always working so hard?
A: Cause they have two shifts!
Q: What are clouds made of?
A: Mostly linux servers.
Q: Why did Tom Selleck never git commit anything?
A: Because he thought he mustache his work.
Q: How does Mr. Potato Head (dev edition 0.0.1) remove his mustache?
A: git stache pop
Q: Why can't you use 'Soup' as your password?
A: Because it isn't
Q: Why do developers use mechanical keyboards?
A: To strongly type their code.
A new database query walks into a bar.
The server says "Sorry, cache only."
What's the best tool for automatically ignoring long email threads about tech buzzwords?
Q: What is a developer's favorite country song?
A: Hello World - by Lady Antebellum
Q: Why was nobody given food at the developer conference?
A: It was a serverless function!
Q: Why did the developer cancel their dinner plans?
A: They were unable to fulfil peer dependencies
Q: Why did the functional programmer finally move out of their house?
A: For(e) closure
A: They always promise to callback
Q: Why do developers mixup Terminals and Polygraphs?
A: Because they both can see a lie (CLI)
Q: Did you hear about the programmer that was scared of IDEs?
A: They retreated back into their shell
Q: What do you call optimistic front-end developers?
A: Stack half-full developers.
Chuck Norris can take a screenshot of his blue screen.
Q: Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
A: It's making HEADLINES!
Q: Hey officer! How did the hackers escape?
A: No idea. They just ransomware.
Q: Why can’t data engineers become hat makers?
A: They can only guarantee two thirds of a CAP!
Q: How did the hippie learn about database transactions?
A: By taking ACID
Q: Why is it called the Dark Ages?
A: There were a lot of KNIGHTS!
Q: What did the Network Administrator say when they caught a nasty virus?
A: It hurts when IP
Q: Which programming language is the shortest?
A: HTML. Because it doesn't have a neck between its
Q: What good can come of 2989 witches casting a hex?
A: None, it is always 0xBAD
Q: Did you hear about the witch who was off by two when casting a hex?
A: They failed to make the target DEAD and made them DEAF instead!
I went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k.
It was a trip down Memory Lane.
Lisp programmers don't make prank calls. They make
Q: Why do Front-End Developers eat lunch alone?
A: Because, they don't know how to join tables.
Q: What advice do you give to a JS developer who has never played baseball?
A: Try catch.
Q: Got any funny DNS jokes?
A: Yeah, but it may take 24 hours to get it.
Q: Why were A & B so frustrated?
A: Because they couldn’t cd…
Q: Where do programmer dad's store their jokes?
A: In a dad-a-base.
Q: Why do Websockets make the best therapists?
A: They are always listening.
Q: Why did the ALU refuse to add two subnibbles.
A: Because it refuses to be seen doing a two-bit operation.
Q: How do you know your baby is going to be a developer when they grow up?
A: Their first word is "Hello world!"
Q: What kind of image saved the day?
A: The HERO image!
Q: Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
A: Because light attracts bugs!
Q: Does this vaccine contain a microchip?
A: I don't know for sure, but it must be ARM based.
Q: How do you make a 4D Printer?
A: Take a 3D printer and give it some time
Q: How do front end devs like their brownies?
Some languages can be read by humans, not by machines.
Others can be read by machines but not by humans.
XML solves this problem by being readable to neither.
Q: What do hackers do on a boat?