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Aug 18, 2014

Dad style programming jokes

submit your own, if they make me laugh I'll merge them.


Unfortunately these jokes only work if you git them.


Q: Which body part does a programmer know best?

A: ARM


Q: Relationship status?

A: I'll leave the relations to the database.


Q: How do you get the code for the bank vault?

A: You checkout their branch.


Q: How did the developer announce their engagement?

A: They returned true!


Q: Why did the security conscious engineer refuse to pay their dinner bill?

A: Because they could not verify the checksum.


Q: What do you call a busy waiter?

A: A server.


Q: What do you call an idle server?

A: A waiter.


[Please Enter New Password]

fortnight

[Error: Password is Two Week]

Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Yes.


I’ve been hearing news about this big boolean.

Huge if true.


Q: What diet did the ghost developer go on?

A: Boolean


Q: Why was the developer unhappy at their job?

A: They wanted arrays.


Q: Why did 10 get paid less than "10"?

A: There was workplace inequality.


Q: Why was the function sad after a successful first call?

A: It didn’t get a callback.


Q: Why did the angry function exceed the callstack size?

A: It got into an Argument with itself


Q: Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

A: Inheritance


Q: Why did the developer ground their kid?

A: They weren't telling the truthy


Q: What did the array say after it was extended?

A: Stop objectifying me.


!false

It's funny 'cause it's true.


Q: Where did the parallel function wash its hands?

A: Async


Q: I'm starting a band called HTML Encoder

A: Looking to buy a guitar &


Q: Why did the functions stop calling each other?

A: Because they had constant arguments.


Q: What's the second movie about a database engineer called?

A: The SQL.


Q: Why doesn't Hollywood make more Big Data movies?

A: NoSQL.


A programmer's significant other tells them, "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.


Q: What did the spider do on the computer?

A: Made a website!


Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?

A: Had a byte!


Q: What does a baby computer call his father?

A: Data!


Q: Why did the computer keep sneezing?

A: It had a virus!


Q: What is a computer virus?

A: A terminal illness!


I never tell the same joke twice

I have a DRY sense of humor.


Q: Why was the computer freezing?

A: It left its Windows open!


Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?

A: Because it was looking for a byte to eat?


Q: Why did the computer squeak?

A: Because someone stepped on its mouse!


Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a life guard?

A: A screensaver!


Q: Where do all the cool mice live?

A: In their mousepads!


Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?

A: Lots of memory!


Java truly is an OOP language...

As in: OOPs I used Java!


Q: How do programming pirates pass method parameters?

A: Varrrrarrrgs.


Q: How do programming shepherds count their flock?

A: With lambda functions


Q: What airline do developers prefer when they're in a rush?

A: Delta.


Q: How did pirates collaborate before computers ?

A: Pier to pier networking.


Q: Why don't bachelors like Git?

A: Because they are afraid to commit.


Q: A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks:

A: Can I JOIN you?


Q: How does a developer make a cheer?

A: ["hip","hip"] // (hip hip array!)


Q: Why was the developer's family upset with them at dinner?

A: They forgot to git squash before going home


Q: What did JavaScript call his son?

A: JSON!


Q: What did the proud React component say to its child?

A: I've got to give you props


Q: What did the server say to his client who was having a bad day?

A: Everything's going to be 200


Q: Why did the developer go broke?

A: Because they used up all their cache


Q: Are computers dangerous?

A: Nah, they don't byte. They just nibble a bit.


Q: How did the mafioso kill the Node server?

A: Tie await to it and let it async.


Q: You know what the best thing about booleans is?

A: Even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.


Q: Why do UPS drivers get nervous when their internet is unstable?

A: Because they might lose packets.


Q: Why couldn’t the user update a file on a shared server?

A: They didn’t have the write permissions


Q: What do you do when you can't understand your husband's behavior?

A: man man


Q: What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A: A URLogist


Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. It's a hardware issue


Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

A: Because 31 OCT == 25 DEC


Q: Why do kayakers make bad programmers?

A: Because they're afraid of waterfall.


Q: What are computers' favorite snacks?

A: Microchips, phish sticks, and cookies. But just a few bytes of each.


Q: What do computers love to do at the beach?

A: Put on some spam block for protection so they can safely surf the net while catching some .WAVs!


Q: What do you call a computer that sings?

A: A-dell.


Q: What's a compiler developer's favorite spice?

A: Parsley.


Q: When do front end developers go out to eat?

A: On their lunch <br>.


Q: A SQL developer walked into a NoSQL bar.

A: They left because they couldn't find a table.


Q: How do you help JS errors?

A: You console them!


Q: Why don't parents teach their kids about regular expressions?

A: Because they don't want them playing with matches


Q: Why didn't the <div /> get invited to the dinner party?

A: Because it had no class!


Q: Why aren't cryptocurrency engineers allowed to vote?

A: Because they're miners!


Q: Why did the constant break up with the variable?

A: Because they changed.


Q: Why did the database administrator leave his wife?

A: She had one-to-many relationships.


Asynchronous JavaScript is amazing.

I Promise you, await and see.


Q: What did the Class say in court when put on trial?

A: I strongly object!


Q: Why do Java developers wear glasses?

A: Because they don't C#!


Q: What are the three hardest problems in computer science?

A: Naming things and off-by-one errors


Q: What did the fruit basket say to the developer?

A: I hope you're ready for some pear programming!


Q: How does a sysadmin keep a fire going?

A: They rotate the logs.


I've got a great UDP joke but I'm afraid you wouldn't get it...


A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code. They refused to comment.


There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't.


Q: I love you and I only love you. Does that turn you on?

AND GATE: No.


Q: Why do all HTML emails get blocked?

A: Because they are all <span />.


Q: What did the process say after working in an infinite loop all day?

A: I need a break.


Q: An Agent died unexpectedly. How was the crime solved?

A: By looking at the Stack Trace.


Q: Why did the document store go out of business?

A: It had NoSQL.


Q: Why can't SQL and NoSQL Developers date one other?

A: Because they don't agree on relationships.


Q: Why is Python like the Soviet Union?

A: Because it has no private fields


Q: Where did the API go to eat?

A: To the RESTaurant


Q: Why shouldn't you trust Matlab developers?

A: Because they're always plotting something.


Q: Why did the developer have to quit smoking?

A: Because they couldn't afford to pay the new syntax.


Q: How does a programmer open a jar for their significant other?

A: They install Java


Q: What did the psychic say to the developers?

A: I see dev people.


Q: Where does the pirate stash all of their digital treasures?

A: RAR


Q: What is React's favorite movie genre?

A: Suspense


Q: Why couldn't the React component understand the joke?

A: Because it didn't get the context.


Q: What did XHR say to AJAX when it thought it was being a Mean Girl?

A: Stop trying to make fetch happen!


Q: What was Grace Hopper's favorite car?

A: VW Bug


Q: What sits on a pirate's shoulder and calls, "Pieces of seven, Pieces of seven"?

A: Parroty error.


Q: What is a pirate's favorite programming language?

A: You'd think it was R, but a pirate's first love is Objectively C.


Q: Why did the programmer come home crying?"

A: His friends were always boolean him.


- Knock Knock!

- An async function

- Who's there?


Q: What PostgreSQL library should Python developers use for adult-oriented code?

A: psycoPG13


The next time you're using Safari or Firefox and it's running slowly, you can say to yourself, "I could've had a V8".


Q: What do you call a beverage that is 75% Root Beer, and 75% Ice Cream?

A: A Float


Q: What accommodations did the JavaScript developer request at the hotel?

A: A room with a Vue.


Q: Where do developers drink?

A: The Foo bar


Q: Why was the engineer upset when the bartender served them 1 shot of whiskey?

A: Because they thought they ordered a double.


Q: Why do assembly programmers need to know how to swim?

A: Because they work below C level.


Q: Who used the internet before it was cool?

A: Httpsters


Q: What kind of computer can hold a musical note?

A: A Dell.


Q: Why did the web developer always go to the wrong hotel room?

A: They were in room 301.


Q: How do you stop a web developer stealing your stuff?

A: Write 403 on it.


Q: Why are machine learning models so fit?

A: Because they do weight training.


Q: Why did Gargamel shut down the internet?

A: Because he didn't want people SMURFING the web!


Q: What did the command line die of?

A: A Terminal illness.


Q: Did you hear what the clumsy cryptographer did to their password?

A: Made a hash of it.


Q: Why are keyboards always working so hard?

A: Cause they have two shifts!


Q: What are clouds made of?

A: Mostly linux servers.


Q: Why did Tom Selleck never git commit anything?

A: Because he thought he mustache his work.


Q: How does Mr. Potato Head (dev edition 0.0.1) remove his mustache?

A: git stache pop


Q: Why can't you use 'Soup' as your password?

A: Because it isn't stroganoff


Q: Why do developers use mechanical keyboards?

A: To strongly type their code.


A new database query walks into a bar.

The server says "Sorry, cache only."


What's the best tool for automatically ignoring long email threads about tech buzzwords?

"Block-chain"


Q: What is a developer's favorite country song?

A: Hello World - by Lady Antebellum


Q: Why was nobody given food at the developer conference?

A: It was a serverless function!


Q: Why did the developer cancel their dinner plans?

A: They were unable to fulfil peer dependencies


Q: Why did the functional programmer finally move out of their house?

A: For(e) closure


Q: How do JavaScript developers break up?

A: They always promise to callback


Q: Why do developers mixup Terminals and Polygraphs?

A: Because they both can see a lie (CLI)


Q: Did you hear about the programmer that was scared of IDEs?

A: They retreated back into their shell


Q: What do you call optimistic front-end developers?

A: Stack half-full developers.


Chuck Norris can take a screenshot of his blue screen.


Q: Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?

A: It's making HEADLINES!


Q: Hey officer! How did the hackers escape?

A: No idea. They just ransomware.


Q: Why can’t data engineers become hat makers?

A: They can only guarantee two thirds of a CAP!


Q: How did the hippie learn about database transactions?

A: By taking ACID


Q: Why is it called the Dark Ages?

A: There were a lot of KNIGHTS!


Q: What did the Network Administrator say when they caught a nasty virus?

A: It hurts when IP


Q: Which programming language is the shortest?

A: HTML. Because it doesn't have a neck between its <head> and <body>.


Q: What good can come of 2989 witches casting a hex?

A: None, it is always 0xBAD


Q: Did you hear about the witch who was off by two when casting a hex?

A: They failed to make the target DEAD and made them DEAF instead!


I went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k.

It was a trip down Memory Lane.


Lisp programmers don't make prank calls. They make FUNCALLs


Q: Why do Front-End Developers eat lunch alone?

A: Because, they don't know how to join tables.


Q: What advice do you give to a JS developer who has never played baseball?

A: Try catch.


Q: Got any funny DNS jokes?

A: Yeah, but it may take 24 hours to get it.


Q: Why were A & B so frustrated?

A: Because they couldn’t cd…


Q: Where do programmer dad's store their jokes?

A: In a dad-a-base.


Q: Why do Websockets make the best therapists?

A: They are always listening.


Q: Why did the ALU refuse to add two subnibbles.

A: Because it refuses to be seen doing a two-bit operation.


Q: How do you know your baby is going to be a developer when they grow up?

A: Their first word is "Hello world!"


Q: What kind of image saved the day?

A: The HERO image!


Q: Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

A: Because light attracts bugs!


Q: Does this vaccine contain a microchip?

A: I don't know for sure, but it must be ARM based.


Q: How do you make a 4D Printer?

A: Take a 3D printer and give it some time


Q: How do front end devs like their brownies?

A: GUI


Some languages can be read by humans, not by machines.

Others can be read by machines but not by humans.

XML solves this problem by being readable to neither.


Q: What do hackers do on a boat?

A: Phishing.