Report on infrastructure.

newsflash/index.js

@@ -1,6 +1,4 @@
-function choose(list) {
-  return list[Math.floor(Math.random() * list.length)];
-}
+let { choose, combine, reduce, whole_number, percentage } = require("../randomtext");
 
 var opener = [
     "BREAKING NEWS:",
@@ -146,14 +144,6 @@ var negative_verb = [
     "outperformed"
 ];
 
-function whole_number() {
-    return Math.floor(Math.random() * 100);
-}
-
-function percentage() {
-    return whole_number() + "%";
-}
-
 function range_percentage() {
     var first = whole_number();
     var second = whole_number();
@@ -232,27 +222,6 @@ var ending = [
     ""
 ];
 
-function reduce(item) {
-    if (Array.isArray(item)) {
-        return reduce(choose(item));
-    }
-    if (typeof item === "function") {
-        return reduce(item());
-    }
-    return item;
-}
-
-function combine(list) {
-    if (!Array.isArray(list)) {
-        list = [list];
-    }
-    var combined = "";
-    for (var i = 0; i < list.length; i++) {
-        combined += reduce(list[i]) + ' ';
-    }
-    return combined.slice(0, combined.length - 1);
-}
-
 function newsflash() {
     var pattern = choose(patterns);
     var combined = combine(pattern);

opsreport/index.js

@@ -0,0 +1,121 @@
+let { choose, combine, reduce, percentage, whole_number } = require("../randomtext");
+
+var opener = [
+    "RED ALERT:",
+    "Here's the deal:",
+    "Well,",
+    "What do you know?",
+    "The usual:",
+    "How odd -",
+    "Surprise!",
+    "fyi",
+    "in case you missed it,",
+    "you should probably be aware that",
+    "unchanged -",
+    "hard to complain:"
+];
+
+var platform = [
+    'ARM32',
+    'ARM64',
+    'android',
+    'windows',
+    'mac',
+    'linux64',
+    'linux32',
+    'cortex-m4',
+    'haiku',
+    'redox',
+]
+
+function builder() {
+    return 'the ' + choose(platform) + ' builder';
+}
+
+var tech = [
+    'AWS',
+    'macstadium',
+    'github',
+    builder,
+    'larsbors',
+    'homu',
+    'crates.io',
+    'servo.org',
+    'reviewable',
+    'TravisCI',
+    'appveyor',
+    'buildbot',
+    'irccloud',
+    'bors',
+    'cloudflare',
+    'pypi',
+    'hg.mozilla.org'
+];
+
+var problem = [
+    "stopped responding",
+    "can't be pinged since",
+    "started installing a system upgrade",
+    "had to be restarted",
+    "no longer accepts SSH connections since",
+    "stopped running tests",
+    "is under a DDoS attack since",
+    "ran out of disk space",
+    "began renegotiating our contract",
+    "locked me out",
+    "enabled 2fa",
+];
+
+function duration() {
+    var units = [
+        "milliseconds",
+        "seconds",
+        "minutes",
+        "hours",
+        "days",
+        "weeks",
+        "months"
+    ];
+    return whole_number + ' ' + choose(units);
+}
+
+var comparison = [
+    "above",
+    "below"
+];
+
+var patterns = [
+    [tech, problem, duration, "ago"],
+    ["no problems detected"],
+    [tech, "is", "running", percentage, comparison, "capacity"],
+    [tech, "is", "taking", whole_number, "times", "longer", "than", "usual"],
+    ["only", whole_number, "interruptions", "for", tech, "so", "far"],
+    [tech, "is", "under", "heavy", "load"],
+    ["no", "issues", "with", tech, "in", duration],
+    [tech, "was", "taken", "down", "for", "maintenance", duration, "ago"],
+    ["switching", "to", tech, "was", "a", "good", "choice"],
+    ["it", "has", "been", duration, "since", "the", "last", "incident"]
+];
+
+var ending = [
+    "",
+    ".",
+    "...",
+    "!",
+    "!!",
+    " :/",
+    " :<",
+    " :(",
+    "; so far so good!",
+];
+
+function report() {
+    var pattern = choose(patterns);
+    var combined = combine(pattern);
+    if (Math.random() > 0.5) {
+        combined = choose(opener) + ' ' + combined;
+    }
+    return combined + choose(ending);
+}
+
+exports.report = report;

randomtext.js

@@ -0,0 +1,38 @@
+function reduce(item) {
+    if (Array.isArray(item)) {
+        return reduce(choose(item));
+    }
+    if (typeof item === "function") {
+        return reduce(item());
+    }
+    return item;
+}
+
+function combine(list) {
+    if (!Array.isArray(list)) {
+        list = [list];
+    }
+    var combined = "";
+    for (var i = 0; i < list.length; i++) {
+        combined += reduce(list[i]) + ' ';
+    }
+    return combined.slice(0, combined.length - 1);
+}
+
+function choose(list) {
+  return list[Math.floor(Math.random() * list.length)];
+}
+
+function whole_number() {
+    return Math.floor(Math.random() * 100);
+}
+
+function percentage() {
+    return whole_number() + "%";
+}
+
+exports.reduce = reduce;
+exports.choose = choose;
+exports.combine = combine;
+exports.whole_number = whole_number;
+exports.percentage = percentage;

server.js

@@ -4,6 +4,7 @@ var irc = require("irc"),
     notes = require("./notes"),
     config = require("./config"),
     newsflash = require("./newsflash"),
+    opsreport = require("./opsreport"),
     storage = require('node-persist');
 
 function githubRequest(endpoint, callback) {
@@ -295,6 +296,12 @@ var handlerWrapper = module.exports.handlerWrapper = function handlerWrapper(pin
       return;
     }
 
+    if (message.indexOf("infrastructure report") > -1) {
+      var rumour = opsreport.report();
+      bot.say(to, rumour);
+      return;
+    }
+
     if (message.indexOf("what does the fox say") > -1) {
       findIssue(from, to, "?labels=A-stylo", bot);
       return;