September Twenty-ninth, Twenty-twenty
I was but a young boy of the age of sixteen and a half when I first heard of something called "bitcoin". It was my first introduction to blockchain, and I immediately began hodling.
I went home to my parents and told them about this newfangled currency called "bitcoin". I told them I wanted to invest all of my allowance (ten dollars per month) into "bitcoin" and that I was going to make it big. They laughed and ridiculed me. They told me that I was never going to make anything out of my life. I went back to my bedroom and cried for five hours straight, but my love for blockchain did not fade. I continued to hodl.
The very next day, I started yield farming on the family computer. To avoid the surveillance of my mother, I would work at the dead of night, sneaking into my father's office like the nocturnal raccoons who would often ransack our trash cans. It wasn’t much work, but it was honest work. Since my parents did not allow me to use the computer before doing homework, I would skip lunch at school in order to learn more about blockchain in the school computer labs. I began to dedicate all my time to my new passion. My grades began to suffer, but I did not care, for I was enraptured.
As the year progressed, my parents began to notice my changed behavior. They forced me to tell them my school password, and they saw my grades: a sea of Cs. The very same day, they kicked me out of the house. I was not even able to bring my mining setup with me. Although I had lost my friends and family, I had my sushi and yam.
I wandered the streets of my childhood hometown, wondering what I was going to do with my life. It was spring, the birds were chirping as the sunlight shone dappled onto the bleached sidewalks. A cool breeze blew across my face, but I could think about nothing else but yield farming. Almost as if my thoughts had manifested into reality, a poster blew into my field of vision and landed at my feet. I picked it up:
BlockChainCon: the coolest convention for all blockchain enthusiasts
Happening today at the local Quiznos
It was the perfect event for me! I quickly ran my top speed (a highly respectable 4.3 miles per hour) to my local Quiznos to see what the other blockchain enthusiasts of my town were like.
The local Quiznos is well known for its high-quality sandwiches, made with care and only the best ingredients, but I did not know that they would be hosting blockchain events too. Needless to say, I was incredibly excited. When I began to walk into the strip mall, I immediately knew that something big was afoot. The most popular establishment was usually the Marijuana Dispensary, where the local intellectuals had their debates over fast fourier transforms and high throughputs, but this time, the line for Quiznos was backed up to the entrance of the parking lot. The new baja chicken token was being dropped, and as a 0xChad, I couldn’t resist. I had no idea blockchain was this popular; it was time to complete my pilgrimage to the promised land.
I walked towards the store, a spring in my step—actually too much spring, because I tripped over an untied shoelace and fell face first into the hard concrete in full view of everyone in the line for Quiznos. Disaster! What was to become the happiest day of my life had suddenly become the greatest embarrassment I had ever experienced. Being not the most popular of people at my local high school (I am proud to say that I was only pushed around no more than twice a day at most), I was accustomed to public embarrassment, but this was completely different. I did not care for the opinions of my intellectually inferior classmates, but to embarrass myself in front of the blockchain crowd was a calamity by which I could not abide.
I was about to pick myself up and go turn myself in to the local police station, live out the rest of my life on the public dime and take advantage of the time until RBG would be replaced and my health insurance would be ruled unconstitutional. All hope was lost until I heard the most beautiful melodic voice I have ever heard. It sounded like church bells and birdsong and my favorite pop song Sugar by Maroon 5 all into one, and I asked myself, “Am I in heaven?”
“are you okay?” the angelic voice asked me.
“No,” I replied.
“wow that’s terrible” she said.
“Yes,” I said, my feeble brain finding it difficult to come up with any multi-word answer, but it did not matter one bit.
“here, take my hand, i’ll pull you up”
It felt like my seventeen years of my life had led up to this singular moment, and as I took her hand it was like Michelangelo’s famous fresco painting in the Sistine Chapel, Adam touching the hand of God, enlightenment and eternal joy all encapsulated into one. I took her hand, and I rose into nirvana. It had been a long time since I had experienced human contact.
I took my first glimpse of my divine savior, her dark raven hair glowing in the bright spring sunlight, her features so fine it seemed they were carved by Auguste Rodin, her elegance and royal bearing plainly obvious even in the lowly surroundings of a small-town strip mall.
“what’s your name,” she asked me, “i’m mikasa”
“r-wrw--robert” I managed to stammer out. I have to say I was pretty proud of myself for managing to come up with a coherent answer.
“are you here for the blockchain convention too?” When she mentioned blockchain, all my nervousness evaporated. She was someone just like me, a fellow comrade in the revolution for a decentralized society.
“Why, yes, m’lady, indeed I am. Since I was but a young boy of sixteen and a half, I have loved blockchain with all my heart. To my great chagrin, my parents are unable to understand the depths of my passion for blockchain, and they have evicted me from my very own dwelling. I trust that you must agree with me about the great disgrace and injustice of this action. Fortunately, I am resilient of spirit, and I plan to continue living my life in the pursuit of blockchain, and was planning on attending this convention when I was graced by your heavenly presence.” I replied.
“wow that sounds really terrible! my family happens to have an open guest room, would you like to move in? we’re all big blockchain enthusiasts, so I’m sure you would fit in!” she said, the paragon of generosity and kindness.
“I don’t know how to express my sincerest gratitude,” I told her, beginning to choke up with tears at her unadulterated virtue, “I will certainly take you up on your generous offer.”
“ah, it’s nothing,” she said to me with the casual air of the overbearing solar brilliance of her essential goodness almost blinding me. If there was a person who could truly embody the entire spirit of Nicomachean Ethics, it was her.
We stood in line together at Quiznos waiting for the convention to start, a shoulder length apart but intricately intertwined in mind and soul. It was the beginning of a beautiful partnership, and I will always remember this very moment as the beginning of my rise into blockchain stardom.