Why don't seagulls fly in the bay?

• Because then they'd be bagels.

What do you call a bagel that flies?

• A plain bagel.

How do you protect your bagel?

• Put lox on it.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?" The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

• Because if it had 4, it would be chicken sedan.

Where are otters from?

• Otter space

What do you call a deer born without eyes?

• No idear

What do you call a deer without eyes or legs?

• Still no idear.

What do you call a deer without eyes, legs, or balls?

• Still no fucking idear.

What do you call a deer without eyes, legs, or balls, who has been chopped in half?

• Still half no fucking idear.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, feet, legs, body or head, only antlers?

• A coat hook.

What do you call a fish without eyes?

• A fsh!

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

• A Gummy Bear.

Two cows are in a field. One cow says "Moo." The other cow says "Hey I was gonna say that."

What do you call a bear with no ear?

• A Bee

How do you catch a squirrel?

• Climb a tree and act like a nut

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

• A stick

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

• Becuase the "P" is silent.
• Because they died out 65,000,000 years ago

Why can't you hear Django having sex?

• Because the D is silent.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

What does DNA stand for?

• National Dyslexic Association

What's white and can't climb trees?

• A fridge.

What does a Mexican use to cut his pizza?

• Little Caesars

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

• Corduroy.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

• They're making headlines everywhere!

A magic tractor drives down the road and turns into a field.

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says " I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

A sandwich walks into a bar, looks at the bartender and says, "Gimme a whiskey, neat." Bartender says, "Sorry sir, we don't serve food here."

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "You've got a drink named Steve?"

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

• A-buck-an-ear

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

• You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

• Because they can spend years at "C".

"What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?" Naturally the person says, "Oh the Arrrrrrrmy" This is when you become serious and say something along the lines of, "Uh, no, it's the Navy. What's wrong with you?"

What's a pirate's favourite crime?" "Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness. "You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

What's red and bad for your teeth?

• A brick.

How do you get a dog to stop barking in the front seat?

• Put him in the back seat.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

• Because his wife died.

What does a nosy pepper do?

• Get jalapeno buisness.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

• Russell

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of a lake?

• Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?

• Skip

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, and is hanging on a wall?

• Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in front of a door?

• Matt

What do you call a woman with one leg?

• Eileen

What do you call an asian woman with one leg?

• Irene

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

• Stu

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs driving a car?

• Rex

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs 12 feet under the earth?

• Doug

What about 6 feet under the earth?

• Douglas

What's the one legged girls favorite restaurant?

• Ihop

What do you call a guy who is in a meat grinder?

• Chuck

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?

• Who gives a shit, he ain't coming.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"

Knock-knock

• Who's there? A pile-up.
• A pile-up who?

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

• Because then it'd be a foot!

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

• In his sleevies.

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

• In little nazis.

What does Hitler call his favorite chair?

• Mein Kampfy Chair.

What do you call a camel with no humps?

• Humphrey

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do you call a fake noodle?

• An impasta!

What do a plum and an elephant have in common?

• They're both purple... except for the elephant.

Why do ducks have flat feet?

• To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet?
• To stomp out burning ducks.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” and then he dies.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

• Fo' drizzle.

What's red and looks like a bucket?

• A red bucket. What's blue and looks like a bucket?
• A red bucket in disguise.

Me: Hey I got a great knock knock joke, but you have to start me off Them: Ok, knock knock! Me: Who's there? Them: confused silence

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Why does a hamburger have lower energy than a sirloin?

• Because it's in the ground state.

How many physicists specializing in general relativity do you need to change a lightbulb?

• Two. One to hold the lightbulb, one to rotate the damn universe.

What happens when light is a bit too obtuse?

• It ends up in a prism.

Don't believe quarks - they make up everything.

Why is the contour integral around Western Europe zero?

• All the poles are in Eastern Europe.

It is said that papers in string theory are published at a rate greater than the speed of light. This, however, is not problematic since no information is being transmitted.

How many string theorists does it take to play hide and seek?

• 10^500 + 1 … so that there exists at least one universe with two people in it.

What do string theorists use to preserve their dignity?

• G-strings.

What do undead string theorists crave?

• Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaanes

What happens when two string theorists start arguing?

• Branes collide.

Why do QFTists have bad eyes?

• They only see bare (m)asses up close.

What did the physicist do after he knocked the burning candle over?

• Wick rotation.

Some famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. When he was asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they shouldn't announce it. Although when he arrived, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd talk about the theorem and then didn't. He replied that this was his standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.

What is the following? ea,ea,ea,ea, ... ea,ea,ea,ea, ... ea,ea,ea,ea, ... ea,ea,ea,ea, ..

• A Fourier series.

Q: What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

What's good anagram of Banach-Tarski? Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski.

Why did the function cross the road? Because it was defined on both sides and continuous.

I do not believe in the axiom of choice.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

• I don't get it but I'm stealing this one.

Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus? Nobody!

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer asked if anyone had the Red Rubber Ball Volume Table, he only had Blue and Purple editions.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...

Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician.

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.

I prefer IP jokes; it's all in the delivery.

I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it.

An Irishman goes to a building site for his first day of work, and a couple of Englishmen think, "Ah, we'll have some fun with him!" So they walk up and say, "Hey, Paddy, as you're new here make sure you know a joist from a girder..." "Ah, sure, I knows" says Paddy, "twas Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust."

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel. The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed. Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid. The mathematician awakens, and finds another fire in the hallway. He looks out the door, then goes back to bed. The house ends up burning down, but the physicist and engineer manages to save the mathematician. When asked why he didn't put out the fire, he says: "I saw the fire, I saw the extinguisher, the solution was trivial."

Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test.

A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get scrod?" The driver replies, "I've heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

Entropy isn't what it used to be. Entropy: Shit breaks. (From a Statics class): Shit don't move. Newton's Third Law: Shit hits back. First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got 'em!"

There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Similarly, there are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure

Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.

"I'm a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people."

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light."

A hundred kilopascals go into a bar.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ? The logician replies: "yes".

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime he wants.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian meetup, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, but I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

If you get your electronics wet, leave them out in a bowl of rice overnight. The rice will attract asians who will come and fix your electronics.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes!

I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he never lands. I like this joke because it never gets old.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, you're in big trouble. I'm gonna hunt you down, you have my Word.

When people say they sleep like a log, it confuses me. Logs don't sleep, they sLumber.

My roommate just said, "Your obsession with cats is totally out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think they're kicking meeeowt.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

A woman was checked into a hospital because she couldn't stop shouting: "'Twas, They'll, We're, Isn't" over and over again. The doctor said she was going through with her contractions.

What did the pig say when he was suntanning in the desert? I'm bacon out here.

Caltech was the best. The academic clubs, the dorms, the guys, the girl.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

I was going to not put up a pun for a while... but then I realized 7 days without puns makes one weak.

Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be out on its own.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not too bright.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Even at that stage they won’t stop to ask directions.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can understand them.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one huge shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Some of the gouda cheesy jokes are just brie-liant. These puns are killing you? I'm such a meunster!

"I see," said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Did you hear about the guy who was dangling a rope down from the highway overpass?! The rope got caught on a truck and the guy's arm came right off. The truck driver was charged with armed robbery.

I can see a boat, canoe?

Do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them.

Why do they put fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

Don't drop that cabbage - otherwise, heads will roll!

What's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

When Satan starts going bald there's going to be Hell toupee.

What's the unit of Power?

Your mama is so unfamiliar with the gym, she call it James.

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says "dry?" The German replies "Nein, just one."

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says "I'll have a martinus." The bartender says "Don't you mean martini?" Caesar replies "Damn it, if I wanted a double I'd ask for it."

The farmer was counting his cows when they were all out grazing in the field. He counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Two parrots standing on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

A programmer heads out to the store. His wife says, "while you're out, get some milk." He never came home.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? Then it works.

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? You take the 's' out of 'safe' and the 'f' out of 'way'.

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

Difference between women coming out of church and women coming out of the bath? Church women have hope in their souls.

Difference between circus and strip club? Circus is full of cunning stunts.

A gorgeous blonde walks up to the barman and orders a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.

What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't really know, but the flag is a big plus.

A friend of mine asked me, "If you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" I said, "cold war Russia."

I was going to tell a Jonestown joke, but the punchline was too long.

Birthday parties get shorter the older you get. My 62nd birthday party was only one minute long.

Q. Three men are in a boat. They have four cigarettes with them, but no match. How do they smoke? A. They toss one overboard, to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning..". He said, "No. Taking a shit."

I was in a nightclub the other day and a guy started having an epileptic fit. Everyone was just stood there saying "look, he's having a fit". I said "why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer".

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, those who don't and those who don't expect a joke in base three.

Traveling salesman always wanted to go to Boston so he could eat fresh scrod. Finally he gets sent there, so when he gets in the cab at Logan, he asks the cabbie "Do you know where a guy can get scrod around here?"

If I were gneiss would you take me for granite?

There are two types of people, those who extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence, and as he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

Fruitpicking makes for a great outing. Especially if they're dates.

The best way to quit being vegan is cold turkey.

I'm inventing a new glue and naming it James Bond. It's a chemical Agent. Don't sniff it though, it has incense to kill.

What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna. "What about the glue?" I knew you'd get stuck there.

What if "soy milk" is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous.

Why did Ariel wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.

Did you guys hear about the kidnapping at UChicago today? It's ok, he woke up.

The secret to enjoying a good wine: open the bottle and let it breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

Spring is here. I'm so excited, I wet my plants.

Does anyone want a .rar file of the WinRar installer?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. And then it becomes a soap opera. You might just become a soaprano.

So they remade the Flintstones movie (the one with the Baldwin) and they're screening it in the United Arab Emirates... of all places. It seems the people in Dubai don't like it much, but the people in Abu Dhabi do!

Did you guys hear about the kidnapping at UChicago today? It's ok, he woke up.

The secret to enjoying a good wine: open the bottle and let it breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

How do you catch a unique cat? unique up on it