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THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR:

A NEW AND FACETIOUS INTRODUCTION TO THE ENGLISH TONGUE.

By Percival Leigh

Embellished with upwards of forty-five Characteristic Illustrations By
John Leech.

1845.




PRELIMINARY DISCOURSE.

Fashion {003}requires, and like the rest of her sex, requires because
she requires, that before a writer begins the business of his book, he
should give an account to the world of his reasons for producing it; and
therefore, to avoid singularity, we shall proceed with the statement of
our own, excepting only a few private ones, which are neither here nor
there.

To advance the interests of mankind by promoting the cause of Education;
to ameliorate the conversation of the masses; to cultivate Taste, and
diffuse Refinement; these are the objects we have in view in submitting
a Comic English Grammar to the patronage of a discerning Public.

Few persons there are, whose ears are so extremely obtuse, as not to
be frequently annoyed at the violations of Grammar by which they are so
often assailed. It is really painful to be forced, in walking along the
streets, to hear such phrases as, "That 'ere omnibus."

"Where've you bin?"

"Vot's the odds?" and the like. Very dreadful expressions are also used
by cartmen and others in addressing their horses. What can possibly
induce a human being to say "Gee woot!"

"'Mather way!" or "Woa not to mention the atrocious "Kim aup!" of the
barbarous butcher's boy.

It is notorious that the above and greater enormities are perpetrated
in spite of the number of Grammars already before the world. This fact
sufficiently excuses the present addition to the stock; and as serious
English Grammars have hitherto failed to effect the desired reformation,
we are induced to attempt it by means of a Comic one.

With regard to the moral tendency of our labors, we may be here
permitted to remark, that they will tend, if successful, to the
suppression of _evil speaking _; and as the Spartans used to exhibit
a tipsy slave to their children with a view to disgust them with
drunkenness, so we, by giving a few examples here and there, of
incorrect phraseology, shall expose, in their naked deformity, the vices
of speech to the ingenious reader.

The {004}comical mind, like the jaundiced eye, views everything
through a  medium. Such a mind is that of the generality of our
countrymen. We distinguish even the nearest ties of relationship by
facetious names. A father is called "dad," or "poppa;" an uncle, "nunkey
and a wife, a "rib," or more pleasantly still, as in the advertisements
for situations, "an encumbrance."

We will not allow a man to give an old woman a dose of rhubarb if he
have not acquired at least half a dozen sciences; but we permit a
quack to sell as much poison as he pleases. When one man runs away with
another's wife, and, being on that account challenged to fight a duel,
shoots the aggrieved party through the head, the latter is said to
receive _satisfaction_.

We never take a glass of wine at dinner without getting somebody else to
do the same, as if we wanted encouragement; and then, before we venture
to drink, we bow to each other across the table, preserving all the
while a most wonderful gravity. This, however, it may be said, is the
natural result of endeavoring to keep one another in countenance.

The way in which we imitate foreign manners and customs is very amusing.
Savages stick fish-bones through their noses; our fair countrywomen
have hoops of metal poked through their ears. The Caribs flatten
the forehead; the Chinese compress the foot; and we possess similar
contrivances for reducing the figure of a young lady to a resemblance to
an hour-glass or a devil-on-two-sticks.

There being no other assignable motive for these and the like
proceedings, it is reasonable to suppose that they are adopted, as
schoolboys say, "for fun."

We could go on, were it necessary, adducing facts to an almost unlimited
extent; but we consider that enough has now been said in proof of the
comic character of the national mind. And in conclusion, if any other
than an English or American author can be produced, equal in point of
wit, humor, and drollery, to Swift, Sterne, Dickens, or Paulding, we
hereby engage to eat him; albeit we have no pretensions to the character
of a "helluo librorum."

"English {005}Grammar," according to Lindley Murray, "is the art of
speaking and writing the English language with propriety."

The English language, written and spoken with propriety, is commonly
called the King's English.

A monarch, who, three or four generations back, occupied the English
throne, is reported to have said, "If beebles will be boets, they must
sdarve." This was a rather curious specimen of "King's English." It
is, however, a maxim of English law, that "the King can do no wrong."
Whatever bad English, therefore, may proceed from the royal mouth, is
not "King's English," but "Minister's English," for which they alone-are
responsible.

King's English (or perhaps, under existing circumstances it should
be called, _Queen's_ English) is the current coin of conversation, to
mutilate which, and unlawfully to _utter_ the same, is called _clipping_
the King's English; a high crime and misdemeanor. Clipped English, or
bad English, is one variety of Comic {006}English, of which we shall
adduce instances hereafter.

Slipslop, or the erroneous substitution of one word for another, as
"prodigy" for "protegee," "derangement" for "arrangement," "exasperate"
for "aspirate," and the like, is another.

[Illustration: 015]

Slang, which consists in cant words and phrases, as "dodge" for
"sly trick," "no go" for "failure," and "camey" "to flatter," may be
considered a third.

Latinised English, or Fine English, sometimes assumes the character
of Comic English, especially when applied to the purposes of
common discourse; as {007}"Extinguish the luminary," "Agitate the
coramunicator," "Are your corporeal functions in a condition of
salubrity?" "A sable visual orb," "A sanguinary nasal protuberance."

American English is Comic English in a "_pretty particular considerable
tarnation_" degree.

English Grammar is divided into four parts-Orthography, Etymology,
Syntax, and Prosody; and as these are points that a good grammarian
always stands upon, he, particularly when a pedant, and consequently
somewhat _flat_, may very properly be compared to a table.




PART I. ORTHOGRAPHY.




CHAPTER I. OF THE NATURE OF THE LETTERS, AND OF A COMIC ALPHABET.

Orthography is like a schoolmaster, or instructor of youth. It teaches
us the nature and powers of letters and the right method of spelling
words.

Comic Orthography teaches us the oddity and absurdities of _letters_,
and the wrong method of spelling words. The following is an example of
Comic Orthography:--

     islinton foteenth of my {008}Deer jemes febuary 1844.

     wen fust i sawed yu doun the middle and up agin att the bawl
     i maid Up my Mind to skure you for my oan for i Felt at once
     that my appiness was at Steak, and a sensashun in my Bussum
     I coudent no ways accom For. And i said to mary at missis
     Igginses said i theres the Mann for my money o ses Shee i
     nose a Sweeter Yung Man than that Air Do you sez i Agin then
     there we Agree To Differ, and we was sittin by the window
     and we wos wery Neer fallin Out. my deer gemes Sins that
     Nite i Ha vent slept a Wink and Wot is moor to the Porpus
     i'Have quit Lost my Happy tight and am gettin wus and wus
     witch i Think yu ort to pitty Mee. i am Tolled every Day
     that ime Gettin Thinner and a Jipsy sed that nothin wood
     Cure me But a Ring.

     i wos a Long time makin my Mind Up to right to You for of
     Coarse i Says jemes will think me too forrad but this bein
     Leep yere i thout ide Make a Plunge, leastways to aUThem as
     dont Want to Bee old Mades all their blessed lives, so my
     Deer Jemes if yow want a Pardoner for Better or for wus nows
     Your Time dont think i Behave despicable for tis my Luv for
     yu as makes Me take this Stepp.

     please to Burn this Letter when Red and excuse the scralls
     and Blotches witch is Caused by my Teers i remain till deth
     Yure on Happy Vallentine

     _jane you No who_.

     poscrip nex sunday Is my sunday out And i shall be Att the
     corner of Wite Street at a quawter pas Sevn. {009}

     Wen This U. C. remember Mee j. g.

[Illustration: 018]

Now, to proceed with Orthography, we may remark, that a letter is the
least part of a word.

Of a _comic letter_ an instance has already been given. Dr. Johnson's
letter to Lord Chesterfield is a capital letter.

The letters of the Alphabet are the representatives of articulate
sounds.

The Alphabet is a Republic of Letters.

There {010}are many things in this world erroneously as well as vulgarly
compared to "bricks." In the case of the letters of the Alphabet,
however, the comparison is just; they constitute the fabric of a
language, and grammar is the mortar. The wonder is that there should be
so few of them. The English letters are twenty-six in number. There
is nothing like beginning at the beginning; and we shall now therefore
enumerate them, with the view also of rendering their insertion
subsidiary to mythological instruction, in conformity with the plan on
which some account of the Heathen Deities and ancient heroes is prefixed
or subjoined to a Dictionary. We present the reader with a form of
Alphabet composed in humble imitation of that famous one, which, while
appreciable by the dullest taste, and level to the meanest capacity,
is nevertheless that by which the greatest minds have been agreeably
inducted into knowledge.


THE ALPHABET.

A, was Apollo, the god of the carol,

B, stood for Bacchus, astride on his barrel;

C, for good Ceres, the goddess of grist,

D, was Diana, that wouldn't be kiss'd;

E, was nymph Echo, that pined to a sound,

F, was sweet Flora, with buttercups crown'd;

G, was Jove's pot-boy, young Ganymede hight,

H, was fair Hebe, his barmaid so tight;

I, little Io, turn'd into a cow,

J, jealous Juno, that spiteful old sow;

K, was Kitty, more lovely than goddess or muse;

L, Lacooon--I wouldn't have been in _his_ shoes! {011}

M, was blue-eyed Minerva, with stockings to match,

N, was Nestor, with grey beard and silvery thatch;

O, was lofty Olympus, King Jupiter's shop,

P, Parnassus, Apollo hung out on its top;

Q, stood for Quirites, the Romans, to wit;

R, for rantipole Roscius, that made such a hit;

S, for Sappho, so famous for felo-de-se,

T, for Thales the wise, F. R. S. and M. D:

U, was crafty Ulysses, so artful a dodger,

V, was hop-a-kick Vulcan, that limping old codger;

Wenus-Venus I mean-with a W begins,

(Veil, if I ham a Cockney, wot need of your grins?)

X, was Xantippe, the scratch-cat and shrew,

Y, I don't know what Y was, whack me if I do!

Z was Zeno the Stoic, Zenobia the clever,

And Zoilus the critic, whose fame lasts forever.


Letters are divided into Vowels and Consonants.

The vowels are capable of being perfectly uttered by themselves.
They are, as it were, independent members of the Alphabet, and like
independent members elsewhere, form a small minority. The vowels are _a,
e, i, o, u_, and sometimes _w_ and _y_.

An I. O. U. is a more pleasant thing to have, than it is to give.

A blow in the stomach is very likely to W up.

W is a consonant when it begins a word, as "Wicked

Will Wiggins whacked his wife with a whip but in every other place it
is a vowel, as crawling, drawling, sawney, screwing, Jew. Y follows the
same rule.

A consonant is an articulate sound; but, like an old bachelor, if it
exists alone, it exists to no purpose.

[Illustration: 021]

It {012}cannot be perfectly uttered without the aid of a vowel; and even
then the vowel has the greatest share in the production of the sound.
Thus a vowel joined to a consonant becomes, so to speak, a "better
half:" or at all events very strongly resembles one.

A dipthong is the union of two vowels in one sound, as ea in heavy, eu
in Meux, ou in stout.

A tripthong is a similar union of three vowels, as _eau_ in the word
beau; a term applied to dandies, and addressed to geese: probably
because they are birds of a feather.

A proper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by both the
vowels: as, aw in awkward, ou in lout.

An {013}improper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by one of
the vowels only, as ea in heartless, oa in hoax.

According to our notions there are a great many improper dipthongs in
common use. By improper dipthongs we mean vowels unwarrantably dilated
into dipthongs, and dipthongs mispronounced, in defiance of good
English.

For instance, the rustics and dandies say,

"Loor! whaut a foine gaal! Moy oy!"

"Whaut a precious soight of crows!"

"As I was a cornin' whoam through the corn fiddles (fields) I met Willum
Jones."

"I sor (saw) him."

"Dror (draw) it out."

"Hold your jor (jaw)."

"I caun't. You shaun't. How's your Maw and Paw? Do you like taut
(tart)?"

We have heard young ladies remark,--

"Oh, my! What a naice young man!"

"What a bee--eautiful day!"

"Im so fond of dayncing!"

Again, dandies frequently exclaim,--

"I'm postively tiawed (tired)."

"What a sweet tempaw! (temper)."

"How daughty (dirty) the streets au!"

And they also call,--

Literature, "literetchah."

Perfectly, "pawfacly."

Disgusted, "disgasted."

Sky, "ske--eye."

Blue, "ble--ew."

We might here insert a few remarks on the nature of {014}the human
voice, and of the mechanism by means of which articulation is performed;
but besides our dislike to prolixity, we are afraid of getting _down in
the mouth_, and thereby going the _wrong way_ to please our readers.
We may nevertheless venture to invite attention to a few comical
peculiarities in connection with articulate sounds.

Ahem! at the commencement of a speech, is a sound agreeably droll.

The vocal comicalities of the infant in arms are exceedingly laughable,
but we are unfortunately unable to spell them.

The articulation of the Jew is peculiarly ridiculous. The "peoplesh" are
badly spoken of, and not well spoken.

Bawling, croaking, hissing, whistling, and grunting, are elegant vocal
accomplishments.

Lisping, as, thweet, Dthooliur, thawming, kweechau, is by some
considered interesting, by others absurd.

But of all the sounds which proceed from the human mouth, by far the
funniest are Ha! ha! ha!--Ho! ho! ho! and He! he! he!

[Illustration: 023]




CHAPTER II. OF SYLLABLES.

Syllable {015}is a nice word, it sounds so much like syllabub!

A syllable, whether it constitute a word or part of a word, is a sound,
either simple or compound, produced by one effort of the voice, as, "O!
what, a lark!--Here, we, are!"

Spelling is the art of putting together the letters which compose a
syllable, or the syllables which compose a word.

[Illustration: 024]

Comic spelling is usually the work of imagination.

The {016}chief rule to be observed in this kind of spelling, is, to
spell every word as it is pronounced; though the rule is not universally
observed by comic spellers. The following example, for the genuineness
of which we can vouch, is one so singularly apposite, that although we
have already submitted a similar specimen of orthography to the
reader, we are irresistibly tempted to make a second experiment on his
indulgence. The epistolary curiosity, then, which we shall now proceed
to transcribe, was addressed by a patient to his medical adviser.

     "Sir,

     "My Granmother wos very much trubeld With the Gout and dide
     with it my father wos also and dide with it when i wos 14
     years of age i wos in the habbet of Gettin whet feet Every
     Night by pumping water out of a Celler Wich Cas me to have
     the tipes fever wich Cas my Defness when i was 23 of age i
     fell in the Water betwen the ice and i have Bin in the
     habbet of Gettin wet when traviling i have Bin trubbeld with
     Gout for seven years

     "Your most humbel

     "Servent

Among the various kinds of spelling may be enumerated spelling for a
favor; or giving what is called a broad hint.

Certain rules for the division of words into syllables are laid down
in some grammars, and we should be very glad to follow the established
usage, but limited as we are by considerations of comicality and space,
we {017}cannot afford to give more than two very general directions. If
you do not know how to spell a word, look it out in the dictionary, and
if you have no dictionary by you, write the word in such a way, that,
while it may be guessed at, it shall not be legible.




CHAPTER III. OF WORDS IN GENERAL.

There is no one question that we are aware of more puzzling than this,
"What is your opinion of _things_ in general?" _Words_ in general are,
fortunately for us, a subject on which the formation of an opinion is
somewhat more easy. Words stand for things: they are a sort of counters,
checks, bank-notes, and sometimes, indeed, they are _notes_ for which
people get a great deal of money. Such words, however, are, alas! not
generally English words, but Italian. Strange! that so much should be
given for a mere song. It is quite clear that the givers, whatever may
be their pretensions to a refined or literary taste, must be entirely
unacquainted with _Words_worth.

Fine words are oily enough, and he who uses them is vulgarly said to
"cut it fat;" but for all that it is well known that they will not
butter parsnips.

Some say that words are but wind: for this reason, when people are
having words, it is often said, that "the wind's up."

Different {018}words please different people. Philosophers are fond
of hard words; pedants of tough words, long words, and crackjaw words;
bullies, of rough words; boasters, of big words; the rising generation,
of slang words; fashionable people, of French words; wits, of sharp
words and smart words; and ladies, of nice words, sweet words, soft
words, and soothing words; and, indeed, of words in general.

Words (when spoken) are articulate sounds used by common consent as
signs of our ideas.

A word of one syllable is called a Monosyllable: as, you, are, a, great,
oaf.

A word of two syllables is named a Dissyllable; as, cat-gut, mu-sic.

A word of three syllables is termed a Trisyllable; as, Mag-net-ism,
Mum-mer-y.

A word of four or more syllables is entitled a Polysyllable; as,
in-ter-mi-na-ble cir-cum-lo-cu-ti-on, ex-as-pe-ra-ted, func-ti-o-na-ry,
met-ro-po-li-tan, ro-tun-di-ty.

Words of more syllables than one are sometimes comically contracted into
one syllable; as, in s'pose for suppose, b'lieve for believe, and 'scuse
for excuse: here, perhaps, 'buss, abbreviated from omnibus, deserves to
be mentioned.

In like manner, many long words are elegantly trimmed and shortened;
as, ornary for ordinary, 'strornary for extraordinary, and curosity for
curiosity; to which mysterus for mysterious may also be added.

Polysyllables are an essential element in the sublime, both in poetry
and in prose; but especially in that {019}species of the sublime which
borders very closely on the ridiculous; as,

     "Aldiborontiphoscophormio,
     Where left's thou Chrononhotonthologos?

[Illustration: 028]

All words are either primitive or derivative. A primitive word is that
which cannot be reduced to any simpler word in the language; as, brass,
York, knave. A derivative word, under the head of which compound words
are also included, is that which may be reduced to another and a more
simple word in the English language; as, brazen, Yorkshire, knavery,
mud-lark, lighterman. Broadbrim is a derivative word; but it is one
often applied to a very _primitive_ kind of person.




PART II. ETYMOLOGY.




CHAPTER I. A COMICAL VIEW OF THE PARTS OF SPEECH.

Etymology {020}teaches the varieties, modifications, and derivation of
words.

The derivation of words means that which they come from _as words_; for
what they come from _as sounds_, is another matter. Some words come from
the heart, and then they are pathetic; others from the nose, in which
case they are ludicrous. The funniest place, however, from which words
can come is the stomach. By the way, the Mayor would do well to keep a
ventriloquist, from whom, at a moment's notice, he might ascertain the
voice of the corporation.

Comic Etymology teaches us the varieties, modifications, and derivation,
of words invested with a comic character.

Grammatically speaking, we say that there are, in English, as many sorts
of words as a cat is said to have lives, nine; namely, the Article, the
Substantive or Noun, the Adjective, the Pronoun, the Verb, the Adverb,
the Preposition, the Conjunction, and the Interjection.

Comically speaking, there are a great many sorts of words which we have
not room enough to particularise j individually. We can therefore only
afford to classify them. For instance; there are words which are spoken
in {021}the _Low Countries_, and are _High Dutch_ to persons of quality.

Words in use amongst all those who have to do with horses.

Words that pass between rival cab-men.

Words spoken in a state of intoxication.

Words uttered under excitement.

Words of endearment, addressed by parents to children in arms.

Similar words, sometimes called burning, tender, soft, and broken words,
addressed to young ladies, and whispered, lisped, sighed, or drawled,
according to circumstances.

Words of honor; as, tailors' words and shoemakers' words; which, like
the above-mentioned, or lovers' words, are very often broken.

With many other sorts of words, which will be readily suggested by the
reader's fancy.

But now let us go on with the parts of speech.

1. An Article is a word prefixed to substantives to point them out,
and to show the extent of their meaning; as, _a_ dandy, _an_ ape, _the_
simpleton.

One kind of comic article is otherwise denominated an oddity, or queer
article.

Another kind of comic article is often to be met with in some of our
monthly magazines.

2. A Substantive or Noun is the name of anything that exists, or
of which we have any notion; as, _tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor,
apothecary, ploughboy, thief._

Now the above definition of a substantive is Lindley Murray's, not ours.
We mention this, because we have an objection, though, not, perhaps, a
serious one, to {022}urge against it; for, in the first place, we have
"no notion" of impudence, and yet impudence is a substantive; and, in
the second, we invite attention to the following piece of Logic,

     A substantive is something,
     But nothing is a substantive;
     Therefore, nothing is something.

A substantive may generally be known by its taking an article before it,
and by its making sense of itself; as, a _treat_, the _mulligrubs_, an
_ache_.

3. An Adjective is a word joined to a substantive to denote its quality;
as a _ragged_ regiment, an _odd_ set.

You may distinguish an adjective by its making sense with the word
thing: as, a _poor_ thing, a _sweet_ thing, a _cool_ thing; or with any
particular substantive, as a _ticklish_ position, an _awkward_ mistake,
a _strange_ step.

4. A Pronoun is a word used in lieu of a noun, in order to avoid
tautology: as, "The man wants calves; _he_ is a lath; _he_ is a
walking-stick.''

5. A Verb is a word which signifies to be, to do, or to suffer: as, I
am; I calculate; I am fixed.

A verb may usually be distinguished by its making sense with a personal
pronoun, or with the word to before it: as I yell, he grins, they caper;
or to drink, to smoke, to chew.

Fashionable accomplishments!

Certain substantives are, with peculiar elegance, and by persons who
call themselves _genteel_, converted into verbs: as, "Do you _wine?_"
"Will you _liquor?_"

6. An Adverb is a part of speech which, joined to a verb, an adjective,
or another adverb, serves to express quality or circumstance concerning
it: as, "She swears {023}_dreadfully_; she is _incorrigibly_ lazy; and
she is _almost continually_ in liquor."

7. An Adverb is generally characterised by answering to the question,
How?'how much? when? or where? as in the verse, "_Merrily_ danced the
Quaker's wife," the answer to the question, How did she dance? is,
merrily.

8. Prepositions serve to connect words together, and to show the
relation between them: as, "Off _with_ his head, so much _for_
Buckingham!"

9. A Conjunction is used to connect not only words, but sentences also:
as, Smith _and_ Jones are happy _be~ cause_ they are single. A miss is
_as_ good _as_ a mile.

[Illustration: 032]

10. An {024}Interjection is a short word denoting passion or emotion:
as, '_Oh_, Sophonisba! Sophonisba, _oh!_" Pshaw! Pish! Pooh! Bah! Ah!
Au! Eughph! Yaw! Hum! Ha! Lauk! La! Lor! Heigho! Well! There! &c.

[Illustration: 033]

Among the foregoing interjections there may, perhaps, be some unhonored
by the adoption of genius, and unknown in the domains of literature. For
the present notice of them some apology may be required, but little will
be given; their insertion may excite astonishment, but their omission
would have provoked complaint: though unprovided with a Johnsonian title
to a place in the English vocabulary, they have long been recognised by
the popular voice; and let it be remembered, that as custom supplies the
defects of legislation, so that which is not sanctioned by magisterial
authority may nevertheless be justified by vernacular usage.




CHAPTER II. OF THE ARTICLES.

The {025}Articles in English are two, _a_ and _the_; _a_ becomes
_an_ before a vowel, and before an _h_ which is not sounded: as, _an_
exquisite, _an_ hour-glass. But if the _h_ be pronounced, the _a_ only
is used: as, _a_ homicide, _a_ homoepathist, _a_ hum.

_A_ or _an_ is called the indefinite article, because it is used, in a
vague sense, to point out some one thing belonging to a certain kind,
but in other respects indeterminate; as,

     "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!"

So say grammarians. Eating-house keepers tell a different story. A
cheese, in common discourse, means an object of a certain shape, size,
weight, and so on, entire and perfect; so that to call half a cheese a
cheese, would constitute a flaw in an indictment against a thief who had
stolen one. But a waiter will term a fraction, or a modicum of cheese,
a cheese; a plate-full of pudding, a pudding; and a stick of celery, _a
salary_. Here we are reminded of the famous exclamation of one of these
gentry:--"Sir! there's two teas and a brandy-and-water just sloped
without paying!" _The_ is termed the definite article, inasmuch as it
denotes what particular thing or things are meant as,

     "_The_ miller he stole corn,
     _The_ weaver he stole yarn,
     And the little tailor he stole broad-cloth
     To keep the three rogues warm."

A substantive to which no article is prefixed is taken in {026}a general
sense; as, "Applesauce is proper for goose that is, for all geese.

[Illustration: 035]

A few additional remarks may advantageously be made with respect to
the articles. The mere substitution of the definite for the indefinite
article is capable of changing entirely the meaning of a sentence. "That
is _a_ ticket" is the assertion of a certain fact; but "That is _the_
ticket!" means something which is quite different.

The article is not prefixed to a proper name; as, Stubbs, Wiggins, Brown
or Hobson, except for the sake of distinguishing a particular family, or
description of persons; as, He is _a_ Burke; that is, one of the Burkes,
or _a_ person resembling Burke.

The {027}definite article is frequently used with adverbs in the
comparative and superlative degree: as, "_The_ longer I live, _the_
taller, I grow or, as we have all heard the showman say, "This here,
gentlemen and ladies, {028}is the vonderful heagle of the sun; the
'otterer it grows, the higherer he flies!"

[Illustration: 037]




CHAPTER III.




SECTION I. OF SUBSTANTIVES IN GENERAL.

Substantives are either proper or common.

Proper names, or substantives, are the names belonging to individuals:
as William, Birmingham.

These are sometimes converted into nicknames, of improper names: as
Bill, Brummagem.

Common names, or substantives, denote kinds containing many sorts, or
sorts containing many individual" under them: as brute, beast, bumpkin,
cherub, infant, goblin, &c.

Proper names, when an article is prefixed to them, are employed as
common names: as, "They thought him a perfect _Chesterfield_; he quite
astonished the _Browns_."

Common names, on the other hand, are made to denote individuals, by the
addition of articles or pronouns: as,

"There was _a_ little man, and he had little gun."

"_That_ boy will be the death of me!"

Substantives are considered according to gender, number, and case; they
are all of the third person when spoken _of_, and of the second when
spoken _to_; {029}as,

     Matilda, fairest maid, who art
     In countless bumpers toasted,
     O let thy pity baste the heart
     Thy fatal charms have roasted!

[Illustration: 038]




SECTION II. OF GENDER.

The distinction between nouns with regard to sex is called Gender. There
are three genders: the Masculine, the Feminine, and the Neuter.

The masculine gender belongs to animals of the male kind: as, a <DW2>, a
jackass, a boar, a poet, a lion.

The feminine gender is peculiar to animals of the female kind: as, a
poetess, a lioness, a goose.

The {030}neuter gender is that of objects which are neither males nor
females: as, a toast, a tankard, a pot, a pipe, a pudding, a pie, a
sausage, &c. &c. &c.

We might go on to enumerate an infinity of objects of the neuter gender,
of all sorts and kinds; but in the selection of the foregoing examples
we have been guided by two considerations:--

1. The desire of exciting agreeable emotions in the mind of the reader.

2. The wish to illustrate the following proposition, "That almost
everything nice is also neuter."

Except, however, a nice young lady, a nice duck, and one or two other
nice things, which we do not at present remember.

Some neuter substantives are by a figure of speech converted into the
masculine or feminine gender: thus we say of the sun, that when he
shines upon a Socialist, t he shines upon a thief; and of the moon, that
she affects the minds of lovers.

[Illustration: 039]

There {031}are certain nouns with which notions of strength, vigor, and
the like qualities, are more particularly connected; and these are the
neuter substantives which are figuratively rendered masculine. On the
other hand, beauty, amiability, and so forth, are held to invest words
with a feminine character. Thus the sun is said to be masculine, and the
moon feminine. But for our own part, and our view is confirmed by the
discoveries of astronomy, we believe that the sun is called masculine
from his supporting and sustaining the moon, {032}and finding her the
wherewithal to shine away as she does of a night, when all quiet people
are in bed; and from his being obliged to keep such a family of stars
besides.

[Illustration: 040]

The moon, we think, is accounted feminine, because she is thus
maintained and kept up in her splendor, like a fine lady, by her husband
the sun. Furthermore, the moon is continually changing; on which
account alone she might be referred to the feminine gender. The earth
is feminine, tricked out, as she is, with gems and flowers. Cities
and towns are likewise feminine, because there are as many windings,
turnings, and little odd corners in them as there are in the female
mind. A ship is feminine, inasmuch as she is blown about by every wind.
Virtue is feminine by courtesy. Fortune and misfortune, like mother
and daughter, are both feminine. The Church is feminine, because she
is married to the state; or married to the state because she is
feminine--we do not know which. Time is masculine, because he is so
trifled with by the ladies.

The English language distinguishes the sex in three manners; namely,

1. By different words; as,

     MALE.      FEMALE.

     Bachelor    Maid.

     Brother     Sister.

     Wizard      Father And several other

     Witch      Mother, &c.

          Words we don't mention,
          (Pray pardon the crime,)
          Worth your attention,
          But wanting in rhyme.

2. By {033}a difference of termination; as,

     MALE.    FEMALE.

     Poet     Poetess.

     Lion     Lioness, &c.

3. By a noun, pronoun, or adjective being prefixed to the substantive;
as,
         male.         female.

     A cock-lobster    A hen-lobster.

     A jack-ass        A jenny-ass (vernacular.)

     A man-servant,    A maid-servant, or flunkey. or Abigail.

     A male flirt (A common animal)   A female flirt (A rare animal.)

We have heard it said, that every Jack has his Jill. That may be; but it
is by no means true that every cock has his hen; for there is a

     Cock-swain, but no Hen-swain.

     Cock-eye, but no Hen-eye.

     Cock-ade, but no Hen-ade.

     Cock-atrice, but no Hen-atrice.

     Cock-horse, but no Hen-horse.

     Cock-ney, but no Hen-ney.

Then we have a weather-cock, but no weather-hen; a tum-cock, but no
turn-hen; and many a jolly cock, but not one jolly hen; unless we except
some of those by whom their mates are pecked.

Some words; as, parent, child, cousin, friend, neighbour, servant and
several others, are either male or female, according to circumstances.

It is a great pity that our language is so poor in the terminations that
denote gender. Were we to say of a woman {034}that she is a rogue, a
knave, a scamp, or a vagabond, we feel that we should use, not only
strong but improper expressions. Yet we have no corresponding terms
to apply, in case of necessity, to the female. Why is this? Doubtless
because we never want them. For the same reason, our forefathers
transmitted to us the words, philosopher, astronomer, philologer, and
so forth, without any feminine equivalent. Alas! for the wisdom of our
ancestors! They never calculated on the March of Intellect.




SECTION III. OF NUMBER.

Number is the consideration of an object as one or more; as, one poet,
two, three, four, five poets; and so on, ad infinitum.

The singular number expresses one object only; as a towel, a viper.

The plural signifies more objects than one; as, towels, vipers.

Some nouns are used only in the singular number; dirt, pitch, tallow,
grease, filth, butter, asparagus, &c.; others only in the plural; as,
galligaskins, breeches, &c.

Some words are the same in both numbers; as, sheep, swine, and some
others.

The plural number of nouns is usually formed by adding _s_ to the
singular; as, dove, doves, love, loves, &c.

     Julia, dove returns to dove,
     Quid pro quo, and love for love;
     Happy in our mutual loves,
     Let us live like turtle doves!

[Illustration: 044]

When, {035}however, the substantive singular ends in _x, ch softy sh,
ss, or s_, we add es in the plural.

     But remember, though box
     In the plural makes boxes,
     That the plural of ox
     Should be _oxen_, not oxes.




SECTION IV. OF CASE.

There is nearly as much difference between Latin and English
substantives, with respect to the number of cases pertaining to each, as
there is between a quack-doctor {036}and a physician; for while in Latin
sub-stantives have six cases, in English they have but three. But the
analogy should not be strained too far; for the fools in the world (who
furnish the quack with his cases) more than double the number of the
wise.

[Illustration: 045]

The cases of substantives are these: the Nominative, the Possessive or
Genitive, and the Objective or Accusative.

The Nominative Case merely expresses the name of a thing, or the subject
of the verb: as, "The doctors differ;"--"The patient dies!"

Possession, which is nine points of the law, is what is signified by the
Possessive Case. This case is distinguished by an apostrophe, with the
letter _s_ subjoined to it: as, My soul's idol!"--"A pudding's end."

But {037}when the plural ends in _s_, the apostrophe only is retained,
and the other _s_ is omitted: as, "The Ministers' Step;"--"The Rogues'
March;"--"Crocodiles' tears--"Butchers' mourning."

When the singular terminates in _ss_, the letter _s_ is sometimes,
in like manner, dispensed with: as, "For goodness' sake!"--"For
righteousness' sake!" Nevertheless, we have no objection to "Burgess's"
Stout.

The Objective Case follows a verb active, and expresses the object of
an action, or of a relation: as "Spring beat Bill;" that is, Bill or
"William Neate." Hence, perhaps, the phrase, "I'll lick you _elegant_."
The Objective Case is also used with a preposition: as, "You are in a
mess."

English substantives may be declined in the following manner:


SINGULAR.

     What is the nominative case
     Of her who used to wash your face,
     Your hair to comb, your boots to lace?
                                  _A mother!_

     What the possessive?
     Whose the slap
     That taught you not to spill your pap,
     Or to avoid a like mishap!
                                 _A mother's!_

     And shall I the objective show?
     What do I hear where'er I go?
     How is your?--whom they mean I know,
                                _My mother!_


PLURAL.{038}

     Who are the anxious watchers o'er
     The slumbers of a little bore,
     That screams whene'er it doesn't snore?
     _Why, mothers!_ Whose pity wipes its piping eyes,
     And stills maturer childhood's cries,
     Stopping its mouth with cakes and pies?
                                 _Oh! mother's!_


     And whom, when master, fierce and fell,
     Dusts truant varlets' jackets well,
     Whom do they, roaring, run and tell?
                                 _Their mothers!_




CHAPTER IV. OF ADJECTIVES.




SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF ADJECTIVES AND THE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.

An English Adjective, whatever may be its gender, number, or case, like
a rusty weathercock, never varies. Thus we say, "A certain cabinet;
certain rogues." But as a rusty weathercock may vary in being more or
less rusty, so an adjective varies in the degrees of comparison.

The degrees of comparison, like the Genders, the Graces, the Fates, the
Kings of Cologne, the Weird Sisters, and many other things, are three;
the Positive, the Comparative, and the Superlative.

The Positive state simply expresses the quality of an object; as, fat,
ugly, foolish.

The Comparative degree increases or lessens the signification {039}of
the positive; as fatter, uglier, more foolish, less foolish.

The Superlative decree increases or lessens the positive to the highest
or lowest degree; as fattest, ugliest, most foolish, least foolish.

Amongst the ancients, Ulysses must have been the _fattest_, because
nobody could _compass_ him.

Aristides the Just was the ugliest, because he was so very _plain_.

The most _foolish_, undoubtedly, was Homer; for who was more _natural_
than he?

The positive becomes the comparative by the addition of _r_ or _er_; and
the superlative by the addition of _st_ or _est_ to the end of it; as,
brown, browner, brownest; stout, stouter, stoutest; heavy, heavier,
heaviest; wet, wetter, wettest. The adverbs more and most, prefixed to
the adjective, also form the superlative degree; as, heavy, more heavy,
most heavy.

Monosyllables are usually compared by er and est, and dissyllables by
more and most; except dissyllables ending in y or in le before a mute,
or those which are accented on the last syllable; for these, like
monosyllables, easily admit of er and est. But these terminations are
scarcely ever used in comparing words of more than two syllables.

We have some words, which, from custom, are irregular in respect of
comparison; as, good, better, best; bad, worse, worst, &c.; but the
Yankee's "notion" of comparison was decidedly funny; "My uncle's a
tarnation rogue; but I'm a tarnationer."




SECTION II. A FEW REMARKS ON THE SUBJECT OF COMPARISON.

Lindley {040}Murray judiciously observes, that "if we consider the
subject of comparison attentively, we shall perceive that the degrees of
it are infinite in number, or at least indefinite:" and he proceeds to
say, "A mountain is larger than a mite; by how many degrees? How much
bigger is the earth than a grain of sand? By how many degrees was
Socrates wiser than Alci-biades? or by how many is snow whiter than
this paper? It is plain," quoth Lindley, "that to these and the like
questions no definite answers can be returned."

No; but an impertinent one may. Ask the first news-boy you meet, any one
of these questions, and see if he does not immediately respond, 'Ax my
eye or, "As much again as half."

But when quantity can be exactly measured, the degrees of excess may be
exactly ascertained. A foot is just twelve times as long as an inch; a
tailor is nine times less than a man.

Moreover, to compensate for the indefiniteness of the degrees of
comparison, we use certain adverbs and words of like import, whereby
we render our meaning tolerably intelligible; as, "Byron was a _much
greater_ poet than Muggins."

"Honey is _a great deal_ sweeter than wax."

"Sugar is _considerably_ more pleasant than the cane."

"Maria says, that Dick the butcher is _by far_ the most killing young
man she knows."

The words very, exceedingly, and the like, placed before the positive,
give it the force of the superlative; and {041}this is called by some
the superlative of eminence, as distinguished from the superlative of
comparison. Thus, Very Reverend is termed the superlative of eminence,
although it is the title of a dean, not of a cardinal; and Most
Reverend, the appellation of an Archbishop, is called the superlative of
comparison.

A _Bishop_, in our opinion, is _Most Excellent_.

The comparative is sometimes so employed as to express the same
pre-eminence or inferiority as the superlative. For instance; the
sentence, "Of all the cultivators of science, the botanist is the most
crafty," has the same meaning as the following: "The botanist is more
crafty than any other cultivator of science." Why? some of our readers
will ask--

Because he is acquainted with all sorts of _plants._




CHAPTER V. OF PRONOUNS.

Pronouns or proxy-nouns are of three kinds; namely, the Personal, the
Relative, and the Adjective Pronouns.

_Note_.--That when we said, some few pages back, that a pronoun was
a word used instead of a noun, we did not mean to call such words as
thingumibob, what-siname, what-d'ye-call-it, and the like, pronouns.

And that, although we shall proceed to treat of the pronouns in the
English language, we shall have nothing to do, at present, with what
some people please to call pronoun-_ciation_.




SECTION I. OF THE PERSONAL PRONOUNS.

"Mr. {042}Addams, don't be personal, Sir!"

"I'm not, Sir."

"You am, Sir!"

"What did I say, Sir?--tell me that."

"You reflected on my perfession, Sir; you said, as there was some people
as always stuck up for the cloth; and you insinnivated that certain
parties dined off goose by means of cabbaging fiom their customers. I
ask any gentleman in the room, if that an't personal.

[Illustration: 051] {043}

"Veil, Sir, vot I says I'll stick to."

"Yes, Sir, like vax, as the saying is."

"Wot d'ye mean by that, Sir?"

"Wot I say, Sir!"

"You 're a individual, Sir!"

"You 're another, Sir!"

"You 're no gentleman, Sir!"

"You 're a humbug, Sir!"

"You 're a knave, Sir!"

"You 're a rogue, Sir!"

"You 're a wagabond, Sir!"

"You 're a willain, Sir!"

"You 're a tailor, Sir!"

"You 're a cobler, Sir!" (Order! order! chair! chair! &c.

The above is what is called personal language. How many different things
one word serves to express in English! A pronoun may be as personal as
possible, and yet nobody will take offence at it.

There are five Personal Pronouns; namely, I, thou, he, she, it; with
their plurals, we, ye or you, they.

Personal Pronouns admit of person, number, gender, and case.

Pronouns have three persons in each number.

In the Singular;

I, is the first person.

Thou, is the second person.

He, she, or it, is the third person.

In the plural;

We, is the first person.

Ye or you, is the second person.

They, is the third person.

This {044}account of persons will be very intelligible when the
following Pastoral Fragment is reflected on:

HE.

     I love thee, Susan, on my life:
     Thou art the maiden for a wife.
     He who lives single is an ass;
     She who ne'er weds a luckless lass.
     It's tiresome work to live alone;
     So come with me, and be my own.

SHE.

     We maids are oft by men deceived;
     Ye don't deserve to be believed;
     You don't--but there's my hand--heigho!
     They tell us, women can't say no!

The speaker or speakers are of the first person; those spoken to, of the
second; and those spoken of, of the third.

Of the three persons, the first is the most universally admired.

The second is the object of much adulation and flattery, and now and
then of a little abuse.

The third person is generally made small account of; and, amongst other
grievances, suffers a great deal from being frequently bitten about the
back.

The Numbers of pronouns, like those of substantives, are, as we have
already seen, two; the singular and the plural.

In addressing yourself to anybody, it is customary to use the second
person plural instead of the singular. This practice most probably arose
from a notion, that to be thought twice the man that the speaker was,
gratified the vanity of the person addressed. Thus, the {045}French put
a double Monsieur on the backs of their letters.

Editors say "We," instead of "I," out of modesty.

The Quakers continue to say "thee" and "thou," in the use of which
pronouns, as well as in the wearing of broad-brimmed hats and of
stand-up collars, they perceive a peculiar sanctity.

Gender has to do only with the third person singular of the pronouns,
he, she, it. He is masculine; she is feminine; it is neuter.

Pronouns have the like cases with substantives; the nominative, the
possessive, and the objective.

Would that they were the hardest cases to be met with in this country!

The personal pronouns are thus declined:--

===> See page image.

     CASE. FIRST PERSON SINGULAR. FIRST PERSON PLURAL.

     Nom.       I                  We.
     Poss.      Mine               Ours.
     Obj.       Me                 Us.


     CASE. SECOND PERSON. SECOND PERSON.

     Nom.      Thou           Ye or you.
     Poss.     Thine          Yours.
     Obj.      Thee           You.

Now the third person singular, as we before observed, has genders; and we
shall therefore decline it in a different way. Variety is charming.

THIRD PERSON SINGULAR.

     CASE. MASC.        FEM.      NEUT.
     Nom.  He           She       It.
     Poss. His          Hers      Its.
     Obj.  Him          Her       It.


     CASE. PLURAL.

     Nom.  They.

     Poss. Theirs.

     Obj.  Them.


We {046}beg to inform thee, that the third person plural has no
distinction of gender.




SECTION II. OF THE RELATIVE PRONOUNS.

The Pronouns called Relative are such as relate, for the most part,
to some word or phrase, called the antecedent, on account of its going
before: they are, _who_, _which_, and _that_: as, "The man who does not
drink enough when he can get it, is a fool: but he that drinks too much
is a beast."

_What_ is usually equivalent to _that which_, and is, therefore, a kind
of compound relative, containing both the antecedent and the relative;
as, "You want what you'll very soon have!" that is to say, the thing
which you will very soon have.

_Who_ is applied to persons, _which_ to animals and things without life;
as, "He is a gentleman who keeps a horse and lives respectably." To the
dog which pinned the old woman, they cried, '_Cosar!_'"

That, as a relative, is used to prevent the too frequent repetition of
_who and which_, and is applied both to persons and things; as, He that
stops the bottle is a Cork man."

"This is the _house that_ Jack built."

Who is of both numbers; and so is an Editor; for, according to what we
observed just now, he is both singular and plural. Who, we repeat, is of
both numbers, and is thus declined:--

====> See Page Image


SINGULAR AND PLURAL.

To despair shall I doom? Which, {047}that and what are indeclinable;
except that whose is sometimes used as the possessive case of which;

"The roe, poor dear, laments amain,

Whose sweet hart was by hunter slain."

Who, which, and what, when they are used in asking questions, are called
Interrogatives; as, "Who is Mr. Walker?". "Which is the left side of a
round plum-pudding?"

"What is the damage?"

Those who, have made popular phraseology their study, will have
found that which is sometimes used for whereas, and words of like
signification; as in Dean Swift's "Mary the Cookmaid's Letter to Dr.
Sheridan:"

     "And now I know whereby you would fain make an excuse,
     Because my master one day in anger call'd you a goose;
     _Which_, and I am sure I have been his servant since October,
     And he never called me worse than sweetheart, drunk or sober."

What, or, to speak more improperly, wot, is generally substituted by
cabmen and hack-drivers for who; as, "The donkey wot wouldn't go."

"The girl wot sweeps the crossing."

That, likewise, is very frequently rejected by the vulgar, {048}who use
as in its place; as, "Them as asks shan't have any; and them as don't
ask don't want any."




SECTION III. OF THE ADJECTIVE PRONOUNS.

Adjective pronouns partake of the nature of both pronouns and
adjectives. They may be subdivided into four sorts: the possessive, the
distributive, the demonstrative, and the indefinite.

The possessive pronouns are those which imply possession or property. Of
these there are seven; namely, my, thy, his, her, our, your, their.

The word self is added to possessives; as, myself, yourself, "Says I
to myself, says I." Self is also sometimes {049}used with personal
pronouns; as, himself, itself, themselves. His self is a common, but not
a proper expression.

[Illustration: 057]

The distributive are three; each, every, either; they denote the
individual persons or things' separately, which, when taken together,
make up a number. Each is used when two or more persons or things are
mentioned singly; as, "each of the Catos;" "each or the Browns."

Every relates to one out of several; as,

"Every mare is a horse, but every horse is not a mare."

Either refers to one out of two; as,

     "When I between two jockeys ride,
     I have a knave on either side."

Neither signifies "not either;" as, "Neither of the Bacons was related
to Hogg."

The demonstrative pronouns precisely point out the subjects to which
they relate; such are this and that, with their plurals these and those;
as, "This is a Hoosier lad; that is a Yankee school-master."

This refers to the nearest person or thing, and to the latter or
last mentioned; that to the most distant, and to the former or first
mentioned; as, "This is a man; that is a nondescript."

"At the period of the Reformation in Scotland, a curious contrast
between the ancient and modern ecclesiastical systems was observed; for
while that had been always maintained by a Bull, this was now supported
by a Knox"

The indefinite are those which express their subjects in an indefinite
or general manner; as, some, other, any, one, all, such, &c.

When the definite article the comes before the word other, {050}those
who do not know better, are accustomed to strike out the he in the, and
to say, t'other.

The same persons also use other in the comparative degree; for
sometimes, instead of saying quite the reverse, or perhaps reverse, they
avail themselves of the expression more t'other.

So much for the pronouns.




CHAPTER VI. OF VERBS.




SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF VERBS IN GENERAL.

The nature of Verbs in general, and that in all languages, is, that they
are the most difficult things in the Grammar.

Verbs are divided into Active, Passive, and Neuter; and also into
Regular, Irregular, and Defective. To these divisions we beg to add
another; Verbs Comic.

A Verb Active implies an agent, and an object acted upon; as, to love;
"I love Wilhelmina Stubbs." Here, I am the agent; that is, the lover;
and Wilhelmina Stubbs is the object acted upon, or the beloved object.

A Verb Passive expresses the suffering, feeling, or undergoing of
something; and therefore implies an object acted upon, and an agent by
which it is acted upon; as, to be loved; "Wilhelmina Stubbs is loved by
me."

A {051}Verb Neuter expresses neither action nor passion, but a state of
being; as, I bounce, I lie.

"Gracious, Major!"

[Illustration: 060]


Of Verbs Regular, Irregular, and Defective, we shall have somewhat to
say hereafter.

Verbs Comic are, for the most part, verbs which cannot be found in
the dictionary, and are used to express ordinary actions in a jocular
manner; as, to "bolt," to "mizzle," which signify to go or to depart; to
"bone," to "prig," that is to say, to steal; to "collar," which means to
seize, an expression probably derived {052}from the mode of prehension,
or rather apprehension characteristic of the New Police, as it is one
very much in the mouths of those who most frequently come in contact
with that body: to "liquor,"'or drink; to "grub," or eat; to "sell," or
deceive, &c.

Under the head of Verbs Comic, the Yankeeisms, I "calculate," I
"reckon," I "realise," I "guess," and the like, may also be properly
enumerated.

Auxiliary, or helping Verbs (by the way we marvel that the New
Englanders do not call their servants auxiliaries instead of helps)
are those, by the help of which we are chiefly enabled to conjugate our
verbs in English. They are, do, be, have, shall, will, may, can, with
their variations; and let and must, which have no variation.

Let, however, when it is _anything but a helping_ verb, as, for
instance, when it signifies to _hinder_, makes let-test and letteth.
The phrase, "This House to Let," generally used instead of "to be let,"
meaning in fact, the reverse of what is intended to convey, is really a
piece of comic English.

To verbs belong Number, Person, Mood, and Tense. These may be called
the properties of a verb; and like those of opium, they are soporiferous
properties. There are two very important objects which the writer of
every book has, or ought to have in view, to get a reader who is wide
awake, and to keep him so:--the latter of which, when Number, Person,
Mood, and Tense are to be treated of, is no such easy matter; seeing
that the said writer is then in some danger of going to sleep himself.
Never mind. If we nod, let the reader wink. What can't be cured must be
endured.




SECTION II. OF NUMBER AND PERSON.

Verbs {053}have two numbers, the Singular and the Plural: as, "I fiddle,
we fiddle," &c.

In each number there are three persons; as,

                SINGULAR.       PLURAL.

  First Person  I love         We love.

  Second Person Thou lovest    Ye or you love.

  Third Person  He loves       They love.

What a deal there is in every Grammar about love! Here the following
Lines, by a Young Lady, (now no more,) addressed to Lindley Murray,
deserves to be recorded:--

     "Oh, Murray! fatal name to me,
     Thy burning page with tears is wet;
     Since first 'to love' I learned of thee,
     Teach me, ah! teach me to forget!'"




SECTION III. OF MOODS AND PARTICIPLES.

Mood or Mode is a particular form of the verb, or a certain variation
which it undergoes, showing the manner in which the being, action, or
passion, is represented.

The moods of verbs are five, the Indicative, the Imperative, the
Potential, the Subjunctive, and the Infinitive.

The Indicative Mood simply points out or declares a thing: as, "He
teaches, he is taught or it asks a question: as, "Does he teach? Is he
taught?"

Q. Why {054}is old age the best teacher?

A. Because he gives you the most wrinkles.

Q. Why does a rope support a rope-dancer?

A. Because it is taught.

The Imperative Mood commands, exhorts, entreats, or permits: as, "Vanish
thou; trot ye; let us hop; be off!"

The Potential Mood implies possibility or liberty, power, will, or
obligation: as, "A waiter may be honest. Yuu may stand upon truth or
lie. I can filch. He would cozen. They should learn."

The Subjunctive Mood is used to represent a thing as done conditionally;
and is preceded by a conjunction, expressed or understood, and
accompanied by another verb: as, "_If_ the skies should fall, larks
would be caught,"

"Were I to punch your head, I should serve you right:" that is, "_if_ I
were to punch your head."


The Infinitive Mood expresses a thing generally, without limitation, and
without any distinction of number or person: as, "to quarrel, to fight,
to be licked."

The Participle is a peculiar form of the verb, and is so called, because
it participates in the properties both of a verb and of an adjective:
as, "May I have the pleasure of _dancing_ with you?"

"_Mounted_ on a tub he addressed the bystanders."

"_Having_ uplifted a stave, they departed."

The Participles are three; the Present or Active, the Perfect or
Passive, and the Compound Perfect: as, "I felt nervous at the thought
of _popping_ the question, but that once _popped_, I was not sorry for
_having popped_ it."

The {055}worst of _popping_ the question is, that the _report_ is always
sure to get abroad.




SECTION IV. OF THE TENSES.

Tense is the distinction of time, and consists of six divisions, namely,
the Present, the Imperfect, the Perfect, the Pluperfect, and the First
and Second Future Tenses.

Time is also distinguished by a fore-lock, scythe, and hour-glass; but
the youthful reader must bear in mind, that these things are not to be
confounded with tenses.

[Illustration: 064]

The {056}Present Tense, as its name implies, represents an action or
event occurring at the present time: as "I lament; rogues prosper; the
mob rules."

The Imperfect Tense represents a past action or event, but which, like a
mutton chop, may be either thoroughly done, or not thoroughly done; were
it _meet_, we should say, _under-done_: as,

"When I was a little boy some fifteen years ago,

My mammy doted on me--Lork! she made me quite a show."

"When our reporter left, the Honorable Gentleman was still on his legs."

The legs of most "Honorable Gentlemen" must be tolerably stout ones;
for the "majority" do not stand on trifles. However, we are not going
to commit ourselves, like some folks, nor to get committed, like other
folks; so we will leave "Honorable Gentlemen" to manage matters their
own way.

The Perfect Tense declares a thing to have been done at some time,
though an indefinite one, antecedent to the present time. That, however,
which the Perfect Tense represents as done, is completely, or, as we
say of a green one, when he is humbugged by the thimble-rig people,
regularly done; as, "I have been out on the river."

"I have caught a crab." Catching a crab is a thing regularly (in another
sense than completely) done, when civic swains pull young ladies up
to Richmond. We beg to inform persons unacquainted with aquatic
phraseology, that "pulling up" young ladies, or others, is a very
different thing from "pulling up" an omnibus conductor or a cabman.
What an equivocal language is ours! How much less agreeable {057}to be
"pulled up" at the Police office than to be "pulled up" in a row-boat!
how wide the discrepancy between "pulling up" radishes and "pulling up"
horses!

The Pluperfect Tense represents a thing as doubly past; that is, as past
previously to some other point of time also past; as, "I fell in love
before I _had arrived_ at years of discretion."

[Illustration: 066]

The First Future Tense represents the action as yet to come, either at
a certain or an uncertain time; as, "The tailor _will send_ my coat home
to-morrow; and when I find it perfectly convenient, I _shall pay_ him."
The Second Future intimates that the action will be completed {058}at
or before the time of another future action or event; as, "I wonder how
many conquests I _shall have made_ by to-morrow morning."

N. B. One ball is often the means of killing a great many people.

The consideration of the tenses suggests various moral reflections to
the thinking mind. A couple of examples will perhaps suffice;--

1. _Present_, though moderate fruition, is preferable to splendid, but
contingent futurity; i. e. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

2. _Imperfect_ nutrition is less to be deprecated than privation of
aliment;--a new way of putting an old proverb, which we need not again
insert, respecting half a loaf.




SECTION V. THE CONJUGATION OF THE AUXILIARY VERBS TO HAVE AND TO BE.

We have observed that boys, in conjugating verbs, give no indications of
delight, except that which an ingenious disposition always feels in
the acquisition of knowledge. Now, having arrived at that part of the
Grammar in which it becomes necessary that these same verbs should be
considered, we feel ourselves in an awkward dilemma. The omission of the
conjugations is a _serious_ omission--which, of course, is objectionable
in a _comic_ work--and the insertion of them would be equally serious,
and therefore quite as improper. What _shall_ we do? We will adopt a
middle course; referring the reader to Murray and other talented authors
for full information on these matters; and requesting him to be content
with our confining ourselves {059}to what is more especially suitable to
these pages--a glance at the _Comicalities_ of verbs.

     If being a youngster I had not been smitten,
     Of having been jilted I should not complain,
     Take warning from me all ye lads who are bitten,
     When this part of Grammar occurs to your brain.

As there is a certain _intensity_ of feeling abroad, which renders
people indisposed to trouble themselves with verbal matters, we shall
take the liberty of making very short work of the Regular Verbs. Even
Murray can only afford to conjugate one example,--To Love. The learner
must amplify this part of the Grammar for himself: and we recommend him
to substitute for "to love," some word less harrowing to a sensitive
mind: as, "to fleece, to tax," verbs which excite disagreeable emotions
only in a sordid one; and which also, by association of ideas, conduct
us to useful reflections on Political Economy. We advise all whom it
may concern, however, to pay the greatest attention to this part of the
Grammar, and before they come to the Verbs Regular, to make a particular
study of the Auxiliary Verbs: not only for the excellent reasons set
forth, in "Tristram Shandy," but also to avoid those awkward mistakes
in which the Comicalities of the Verbs, or Verbal Comicalities, chiefly
consist.

"Did it rain to-morrow?" asked Monsieur Grenouille.

"Yes it was!" replied Monsieur Crapaud.

We propose the following as an _auxiliary mode_ of conjugating
verbs:--"I love to roam on the crested foam, Thou lovest to roam on the
crested foam, He loves to roam on the crested foam, We love to roam on
the {060}crested foam, Ye or you love to roam on the crested foam, They
love to roam on the crested foam," &c.

The Auxiliary Verbs, too, are very useful when a peculiar emphasis is
required: as, "I shall give you a drubbing!"

"Will you?"

"I know a trick worth two of that."

"Do you, though?"

"It might" as the Quaker said to the Yankee, who wanted to know what his
name might be; "it might be Beelzebub, but it is not."

[Illustration: 069]

Now we may as well say what we have to say about the conjugation of
regular verbs active.




SECTION VI. THE CONJUGATION OF REGULAR VERBS ACTIVE.

Regular Verbs Active are known by their forming their imperfect tense of
the indicative mood, and their perfect participle, by adding to the verb
ed, or d only when the verb ends in e: as,

     PRESENT.      IMPERFECT.   PERF. PARTICPL.

     I reckon      I reckoned.    Reckoned.

     I realise.    I realised.    Realised.

Here {061}should follow the conjugation of the regular active verb,
To Love; but we have already assigned a good reason for omitting it;
besides which we have to say, that we think it a verb highly unfit for
conjugation by youth, as it tends to put ideas into their heads which
they would otherwise never have thought of; and it is moreover our
opinion, that several of our most gifted poets may, with reason, have
attributed the so unfortunate attachments which, though formed in early
youth, served to embitter their whole lives, to the poison which they
thus sucked in with the milk, so to speak, of their Mother Tongue, the
Grammar.

[Illustration: 070]

We shall therefore dismiss Cupid, and he must look for other lodgings.


PASSIVE.

Verbs {062}Passive are said to be regular, when their perfect participle
is formed by the addition of d, or ed to the verb: as, from the verb "To
bless," is formed the passive, "I am blessed, I was blessed, I shall be
blessed," &c.

The conjugation of a passive verb is nothing more than the repetition of
that of the auxiliary To Be, the perfect participle being added.

And now, having cut the regular verbs (as Alexander did the Gordian
knot) instead of conjugating them, let us proceed to consider the




SECTION VII. IRREGULAR VERBS

Irregular Verbs are those of which the imperfect tense and the perfect
participle are _not_ formed by adding _d or ed_ to the verb: as,


     PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERFECT PART

     I blow.   I blew.     blown.

To say I am blown, is, under certain circumstances, such as windy and
tempestuous weather, proper enough; but I am blowed, it will at once be
perceived, is not only an ungrammatical, but also a vulgar expression.

Great liberties are taken with the Irregular Verbs, insomuch that in the
mouths of some persons, divers of them become doubly irregular in
the formation of their participles. Among such Irregular Verbs we may
enumerate the following:--

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART.

Am wur bin.

Burst bust busted. {063}

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART.

==> See Page Scan




SECTION VIII. OF DEFECTIVE VERBS.

Most men have five senses,

Most verbs have six tenses;

But as there are some folks Who are blind, deaf, or dumb folks,

Just so there are some verbs Defective, or rum verbs, which are used
only in some of their moods and tenses.

===> See Page Scan




CHAPTER VII. OF ADVERBS.

Having {064}as great a dislike as the youngest of our readers can have
to repetitions, we shall not say what an adverb is over again. It is,
nevertheless, right to observe, that some adverbs are compared: as, far,
farther, farthest; near, nearer, nearest. In comparing those which end
in ly, we use more and most: as, slowly, more slowly, most slowly.

There are a great many adverbs in the English Language: their number is
probably even greater than that of abusive epithets. They are divisible
into certain classes; the chief of which are Number, Order, Place,
Time, Quantity, Manner or Quality, Doubt, Affirmation, Negation,
Interrogation, and Comparison.

A nice little list, truly! and perhaps some of our readers may suppose
that we are going to exemplify it at length: if so, all we can say with
regard to their expectation is, that we wish they may get it gratified.
In the meantime, we will not turn our Grammar into a dictionary, to
please anybody. However, we have no objection to a brief illustration
of the uses and properties of adverbs, as contained in the following
passage:--

"Formerly, when first I began to preach and to teach, whithersoever
I went, the little boys followed me, and now and then pelted me with
brick-bats, as heretofore they pelted Ebenezer Grimes. And whensoever I
opened my mouth, straightways the ungodly began to crow. Oftentimes
was I hit in the mouth with an orange: yea, and once, moreover, with
a rotten egg: whereat {065}there was much laughter, which,
notwithstanding, I took in good part, and wiped my face and looked
pleasantly. For peradventure I said, they will listen to my sermon; yea,
and after that we may have a collection. So I was nowise discomfited;
wherefore I advise thee, Brother Habakkuk, to take no heed of thy
persecutors, seeing that I, whereas I was once little better off than
thyself, have now a chapel of mine own. And herein let thy mind be
comforted, that, preach as much as thou wilt against the Bishop,
thou wilt not, therefore, in these days, be in danger of the pillory.
Howbeit," &c.

Vide Life of the late pious and Rev. Samuel Simcox (letter to Habakkuk
Brown.)




CHAPTER VIII. OF PREPOSITIONS.

Prepositions are, for the most part, put before nouns and pronouns: as,
"out of the frying-pan into the fire."

The preposition of is sometimes used as a part of speech of peculiar
signification, and one to which no name has as yet been applied: as,
"What you been doing of?"

At and up are not rarely used as verbs, but we should scarcely have been
justified in so classing them by the authority of any polite writer;
such use of them being confined to the vulgar: as, "Now then, Bill, at
him again."

"So she upped with her fists, and fetched him a whop."

After is improperly pronounced arter, and against, agin: {066}as,
"Hallo! Jim, vot are you arter? don't you know that ere's agin the Law?"




CHAPTER IX. OF CONJUNCTIONS..

A Conjunction means literally, a union or meeting together.

[Illustration: 075]

An ill-assorted marriage is A COMICAL CONJUNCTION.

But {067}our conjunctions are used to connect words and sentences, and
have nothing to do with the joining of hands. They are chiefly of two
sorts, the Copulative and Disjunctive.

The Copulative Conjunction is employed for the connection or
continuation of a sentence: as, "Jack and Gill went up the Hill,"

"I will sing a song if Gubbins will."

"A thirsty man is like a Giant because he is a Grog for drink."

The Conjunction Disjunctive is used not only for purposes of connection,
but also to express opposition of meaning in different degrees: as, "We
pay less for our letters, but shall have to pay more for our coats: they
have lightened our postage, but they will increase our taxes.

Conjunctions are the hooks and eyes of Language, in which, as well as in
dress, it is very possible to make an awkward use of them: as, "For if
the year consist of 365 days 6 hours, and January have 31 days, then the
relation between the corpuscular theory of light and the new views of
Mr. Owen is at once subverted: for 'When Ignorance is bliss, 'tis
folly to be wise because 1760 yards make a mile; and it is universally
acknowledged that 'war is the madness of many for the gain of a few
therefore Sir Isaac Newton was right in supposing the diamond to be
combustible." The Siamese twins, it must be admitted, form a singular
conjunction.

A tin pot fastened to a dog's tail is a disagreeable conjunction to the
unfortunate animal.

A happy pair may be regarded as an uncommon conjunction.

The {068}word as, so often used in this and other Grammars, is a
conjunction: as, "Mrs. A. is as well as can be expected."

[Illustration: 077]




CHAPTER X. OF DERIVATION.

Those who know Latin, Greek, Saxon, and the other languages from which
our own is formed, do not require to {069}be instructed in philological
derivation; and on those who do not understand the said tongues, such
instruction would be thrown away. In what manner English words are
derived, one from another, the generality of persons know very well:
there are, however, a few words and phrases, which it is expedient to
trace to their respective sources; not only because such an exercise is
of itself delightful to the inquiring mind; but because we shall thereby
be furnished (as we hope to show) with a test by means of which, on
hearing an expression for the first time, we shall be able, in most
instances, to decide at once respecting its nature and quality.

These words, of which many have but recently come into vogue, which,
though by no means improper or immoral, are absolutely unutterable in
any polite assembly. It is not, at first, very easy to see what can be
the objection to their use; but derivation explains it for us in the
most satisfactory manner. The truth is, that the expressions in question
take their origin from various trades and occupations, in which they
have for the most part, a literal meaning; and we now perceive what
horrible suspicions respecting one's birth, habits, and education, their
figurative employment would be likely to excite. To make the matter
indisputably clear, we will explain our position by a few examples.

{070}

WORDS AND PHRASES. WHAT DERIVED FROM.

     To be done,             Cooks.
     To be done brown,       Ditto.
     A sell, (a cheat,)      Jews.
     To lather (to beat,)    Barbers.
     To strap (ditto,)       Cobblers.
     To hide (ditto,)        Curriers.
     Spicy (showy,)          Grocers.
     To hang out (to dwell,) Publicans.
     Swamped (ruined,)       Watermen.
     To put one's oar in (to
     interfere,)             Ditto.
     Mahogany (for table,)   Upholsterers.
     Dodge (trick,)          Pickpockets.
     To bung up an eye,      Brewers.
     To chalk down,          Publicans.
     A close shaver (a miser,) Barbers.
     To be off your feed,    Ostlers.
     Hold hard (stop,)       Omnibus-men.

Numerous examples, similar to the foregoing, will, no doubt, present
themselves, in addition, to the mind of the enlightened student. We have
not, however, quite done yet with our remarks on this division of our
subject. The intrinsic vulgarity of all modes of speech which may
be traced to mean or disreputable persons, will, of course, not be
questioned. But--and as we have got hold of a nice bone, we may as well
get all the marrow we can out of it--the principle which is now under
consideration has a much wider range than is apparent at first sight.

Now we will suppose a red-hot lover addressing the goddess of his
idolatry--by the way, how strange it is, that these goddesses should be
always having their temples {071}on fire, that a Queen of Hearts should
ever be seated on a burning throne!--but to return to the lover: he
was to say something. Well, then, let A. B. be the lover. He expresses
himself thus:

"Mary, my earthly hopes are centred in you. You need not doubt me; my
heart is true as the dial to the sun. Words cannot express how much I
love you. Nor is my affection an ordinary feeling: it is a more exalted
and a more enduring sentiment than that which bears it name. I have
done. I am not eloquent: I can say no more, than that I deeply and
sincerely love you."

This, perhaps, will be regarded by connoisseurs as tolerably pathetic,
and for the kind of thing not very ridiculous. Now, let A. S. S. be the
lover: and let us have his version of the same story:--

"Mary, my capital in life is invested in you. You need not stick at
giving me credit; my heart is as safe as the bank. The sum total of my
love for you defies calculation. Nor is my attachment anything in the
common way. It is a superior and more durable article than that in
general wear. My stock of words is exhausted. I am no wholesale dealer
in that line. All I can say is, that I have a vast fund of unadulterated
affection for you."

In this effusion the Stock Exchange, the multiplication table, and the
dry goods and grocer's shops have been drawn upon for a clothing to the
suitor's ideas; and by an unhappy choice of words, the most delightful
and amiable feelings of our nature, without which life would be a desert
and man a bear, are invested with a ridiculous disguise.

We would willingly enlarge upon the topic which we have {072}thus
slightly handled, but that we feel that we should by so doing,
intrench too far on the boundaries of Rhetoric, to which science, more
particularly than to Grammar, the consideration of Metaphor belongs;
besides which, it is high time to have done with Etymology.




PART III. SYNTAX.

"Now then, reader, if you are quite ready, we are.--All right! * * * *"

The asterisks are intended to stand for a word used in speaking to
horses. Don't blush, young ladies; there's not a shadow of harm in it:
but as to spelling it, we are as unable to do so as the ostler's boy
was, who was thrashed for his ignorance by his father.

"Where are we now, coachman?"

"The third part of Grammar, Sir, wot treats of the agreement and
construction of words in a sentence."

"Does a coachman say _wot_ for _which_ because he has a licence?"

"Can't say, Ma'am?"

"Drive on, coachman."

And we must drive on, or boil on, or whatever it is the fashion to call
getting on in these times.

A {073}sentence is an aggregate of words forming a complete sense.

Sentences are of two kinds, simple and compound. A simple sentence has
in it but one subject and one finite verb; that is, a verb to which
number and person belong: as, "A joke is a joke."

A compound sentence consists of two or more simple sentences connected
together: as, "A joke is a joke, but a ducking is no joke. Corpulence is
the attribute of swine, mayors, and oxen."

Simple sentences may be divided (if we choose to take the trouble)
into the Explicative or explaining; the Interrogative, or asking; the
imperative, or commanding.

An explicative sentence is, in other words, a direct assertion: as,
"Sir, you are impertinent."--_Johnson_.

An interrogative sentence "merely asks a question:" as, "Are you a
policeman? How's your Inspector?" An imperative sentence is expressive
of command, exhortation, or entreaty; as, "Shoulder arms!"

"Turn out your toes!"

"Charge bayonets!"

A phrase is two or more words properly put together, making either a
sentence or part of a sentence: as, "Good morning!"

"Your most obedient!"

Some phrases consist of two or more words improperly put together: these
are improper phrases: as, "Now then, old stupid!"

"Stand out of the sunshine!" Other phrases consist of words put together
by ladies: as, "A duck of a man,"
"A love of a shawl,"
"so nice,"
"quite refreshing,"
"sweetly pretty."
"Did you ever?"
"No I never!"

[Illustration: 083]

Other phrases again consist of French and English words put together
by people of quality, because their knowledge {074}of both languages is
pretty nearly equal: as, "I am au desespoir,"

"mis hors de combat,"

"quite ennuye," or rather in nine cases out of ten, "ennuyee,"--"I have
a great envie" to do so and so. These constitute an important variety of
comic English.

If you want to know what subjects and objects are, you should go to the
Morgue at Paris. But in Grammar--

The subject is the thing chiefly spoken of; the attribute is that which
is affirmed or denied of it; and the object is the thing affected by
such action.

The {075}nominative denotes the subject, and usually goes before the
verb or attribute; and the word or phrase, denoting the object, follows
the verb; as, "The flirt torments her lover." Here, a flirt is the
subject; torments, the attribute or thing affirmed; and her lover, the
object.

[Illustration: 084]

It strikes us, though, that we are somewhat digressing from our subject,
namely Syntax, which,

Principally {076}consists of two parts (which the flirt does not, for
she is all body and no soul) Concord and Government.

Concord is the agreement which one word has with another, in gender,
number, case or person.

Note.--That a want of agreement between words does not invalidate
_deeds_. We apprehend that such an engagement as the following, properly
authenticated, would hold good in law.

     I ose Jon stubs too hunder dollar for valley reseved an
     promis to pay Him Nex Sattaday

     Signed Willum Gibs is x Mark

     March 18, 1844.

Also that a friend of ours, to whom the following bill was sent, could
not have refused to discharge it on the score of its incorrect grammar.

==> See Page Scan


Government {077}is that power which one part of speech has over another,
in directing its mood, tense, or case.

Government is also that power, of which, if the Agrarians have their
way, we shall soon see very little in this country.

Hurrah!

No taxes!

No army!

No navy!

No parsons!

No lawyers!

No Congress!

No Legislature!

No anything!

No nothing!

To produce the agreement and right disposition of words in a sentence,
the following rules (and observations?) should be carefully studied.


RULE I.

A verb must agree with its nominative case in number and person: as "I
perceive."

"Thou hast been to Boston."

"Apes chatter."

"Frenchmen gabble."

Certain liberties are sometimes taken with this rule: as, "I own I likes
good beer."

"You'm a fine fellow, aint yer?" Such modes of speaking are adopted by
those who neither know nor care anything about grammatical correctness:
but there are other persons who care a great deal about it, but
unfortunately do not know what it consists in. Such folks are very fond
of saying, "How it rain!"

"It fit you very well."

"He say he think it very unbecoming."

"I were gone before you {078}was come," and so forth, in which forms of
speech they perceive a peculiar elegance.

The infinitive mood, or part of a sentence, is sometimes used as the
nominative case to the verb: as, "to be good is to be happy which is
as grammatical an assertion as "Toby Good is Toby Happy;" and rather
surpasses it in respect of sense. "That two pippins are a pair, is a
proposition which no man in his senses will deny."

     "To be a connoisseur in boots,
     To hate all rational pursuits,
     To make your money fly, as though
     Gold would as fast as mushrooms grow;
     To haunt the Opera, save whene'er
     There's anything worth hearing there;
     To smirk, to smile, to bow, to dance,
     To talk of what they eat in France,
     To languish, simper, sue, and sigh,
     And stuff her bead with flattery;
     Are means to gain that worthless part,
     A fashionable lady's heart."

Here are examples enough, in all conscience, of infinitive moods serving
as nominative oases.

All verbs, save only in the infinitive mood or participle, require a
nominative case either expressed or understood: as, "Row with me down
the river," that is "Row thou, or do thou row."

     "Come where the aspens quiver,"
     "come thou, or do thou come."
     "Fly not yet;"
     "fly not thou, or do not thou fly."
     "Pass the ruby;"
     "Pass thou, or do thou pass the ruby" (not the Rubicon.

A {079}well known popular song affords an example of the violation of
this rule.

"Ven as the Captain comed for to hear on't, Wery much applauded vot
she'd done."

[Illustration: 088]

The verb applauded has here no nominative case, whereas it ought to have
been governed by the pronoun he. "He very much applauded," &c.

Every nominative case, except when made absolute, or used, like the
Latin Vocative, in addressing a person, should belong to some verb,
implied if not expressed. A beautiful example of this grammatical maxim,
{080}and one, too, that explains itself, is impressed upon the mind very
soon after its first introduction to letters: as,

     "Who kill'd Cock Robin?
     I said the sparrow,
     With my bow and arrow;
     I kill'd Cock Robin."

Of the neglect of this rule also, the ballad lately mentioned presents
an instance: as,

     "Four-and-twenty brisk young fellows
     Clad in jackets, blue array,--
     And they took poor Billy Taylor
     From his true love all avay."

The only verb in these four lines is the verb took, which is governed
by the pronoun they. The four-and-twenty brisk young fellows, therefore,
though undeniably in the nominative, have no verb to belong to: while,
at the same time, whatever may be thought of their behavior to Mr.
William Taylor, they are certainly not absolute in point of case.

When a verb comes between two nouns, either of which may be taken as
the subject of the affirmation, it may agree with either of them: as,
"Two-and-six-pence is half-a-crown." Due regard, however, should be paid
to that noun which is most naturally the subject of the verb: it would
be clearly wrong to say, "Ducks and green peas is a delicacy."

"Fleas is a nuisance."

A nominative case, standing without a personal tense of a verb, and
being put before a participle, independently of the rest of the
sentence, is called a case absolute: as, "My brethren, to-morrow being
Sunday, I shall {081}preach a sermon in John street; after which we
shall join in a hymn, and that having been sungy Brother Biggs will
address you."

The objective case is sometimes incorrectly made absolute by showmen and
others: as, "Here, gentlemen and ladies, you will see that great warrior
Napoleon Bonaparte, standing agin a tree with his hands in his breeches
pockets, him taking good care to keep out of harm's vay. And there, on
the extreme right, you will observe the Duky Vellingtdn a valking about
amidst the red-hot cannon balls, him not caring von straw."

[Illustration: 090]


RULE II.

Two or more singular nouns, joined together by a copulative conjunction,
expressed, or understood are equivalent {082}to a plural noun, and
therefore require verbs, nouns, and pronouns, agreeing with them in the
plural number: as, "Veal, wine, and vinegar are very good victuals I
vow."

"Burke and Hare were nice men."

"A hat without a crown, a tattered coat, threadbare and out at elbows,
a pair of breeches which looked like a piece of dirty patchwork
diversified by various holes, and of boots which a Jew would hardly have
raked from a kennel, at once proclaimed him a man who had seen better
days."

This rule is not always adhered to in discourse quite so closely as a
fastidious ear would require it to be: as, "And so, you know, Mary, and
I, and Jane was a dusting the chairs, and in comes Missus."


RULE III.

When the conjunction disjunctive comes between two nouns, the verb,
noun, or pronoun, is of the singular number, because it refers to each
of such nouns taken separately: as, "A cold in the head, or a sore eye
is a great disadvantage to a lover."

If singular pronouns, or a noun and pronoun of different persons, be
disjunctively connected, the verb must agree with the person which
stands nearest to it; as, "I or thou art."

"Thou or I am"

"I, thou, or he is" &c. But as this way of writing or speaking is very
inelegant, and as saying, "Either I am, or thou art," and so on, will
always render having recourse to it unnecessary, the rule just laid down
is almost useless, except inasmuch as it suggests a moral maxim, namely,
"Always be on good terms with your next door neighbor."

It also forcibly reminds us of some beautiful lines by

Moore, {083}in which the heart, like a tendril, is said to twine round
the "nearest and loveliest thing." Now the person which is placed
nearest the verb is the object of choice; ergo, the most agreeable
person--ergo, the loveliest person or thing.

Should a conjunction disjunctive occur between a singular noun or
pronoun, and a plural one, the verb agrees with the plural noun or
pronoun: as, "Neither a king nor his courtiers are averse to butter:"
(particularly when thickly spread.) "Darius or the Persians were hostile
to Greece."


RULE IV.

A noun or multitude, that is, one which signifies many, can have a verb
or Pronoun to agree with it either in the singular or plural number;
according to the import of such noun, as conveying unity or plurality of
idea: as, "The nations humbugged."

"The multitude have to pay many taxes."

"The city Council are at a loss to know what to do."

"The people is a many headed monster."


RULE V.

Pronouns agree with their antecedents, and with the nouns to which they
belong, in gender and number: as, "This is the blow which killed Ned."

"England was once governed by a celebrated King, who was called Rufus
the Red, but whose name was by no means so illustrious as that of
Alfred."

"General M. and the Lieutenant had put on their boots."

"The lady appeared, and she smiled, but the smile belied her feelings."

The relative being of the same person with the antecedent, {084}the verb
always agrees with it: as,

"Thou who learnest Syntax"

"I who enlighten thy mind."

The objective case of the personal pronouns is by some, for want of
better information, employed in the place of these and those: as,

"Let them things alone."

"Now then, Jemes, make haste with them chops." The adverb there, is
sometimes, with additional impropriety, joined to the pronoun them: as,

"Look after them there sheep."

The objective case of a pronoun in the first person is put after the
interjections Oh! and Ah! as,

"Oh! dear me," &c.

The second person, however, requires a nominative case: as,

"Oh! you good-for-nothing man!"

"Ah! thou gay Lothario!"

[Illustration: 093]


RULE VI.

When {085}there is no nominative case between the relative and the verb,
the relative itself is the nominative to the verb: as, "The master who
flogged us."

"The rods which were used."

But when the nominative comes between the relative and the verb, the
relative exchanges, as it were, the character of sire for that of son,
and becomes the governed instead of the governor; depending for its case
| on some word in its own member of the sentence: as, "He who is now at
the head of affairs, whom the people delight to honor, and to whom is
intrusted the helm of state--is a Polk."


RULE VII.

The relative and the verb, when the former is preceded by two
nominatives of different persons, may agree in person with either,
according to the sense: as,

"I am the young gentleman who do the lovers at the Chatham;" or, "who
does."

[Illustration: 095]

Let this maxim be borne constantly in mind. "A murderer of good
characters should always be made an example of."


RULE VIII.

Every adjective, and every adjective pronoun, relates to a substantive,
expressed or implied: as, "Dando was an unprincipled, as well as a
voracious man."

"Few quarrel with their bread and butter;" that is, "few persons."

"This is the wonderful eagle of the sun." That is, "This eagle" &c.

Adjective pronouns agree in number with their substantives: "This
muff, these muffs; that booby, these boobies; another numscull, other
numsculls."

Some {086}people say, "Those kind of things," or, "This four-and-twenty
year," neither of which expressions they have any business to use.

Adjectives are sometimes improperly used as adverbs: as, "He behaved
very bad."

"He insulted me most gross."

"He eat and drank uncommon."

"He wur beat very severe."

"It hailed tremendous" or, more commonly, "tremenjus."


RULE IX.

The article a or an agrees with nouns in the singular number only: as,
"A fool, an ass, a simpleton, a ninny, {087}a lout--I would not give a
farthing for a thousand such."

The definite article the may agree with nouns in the singular and plural
number: as, "The toast, the ladies, the ducks."

The articles are often properly omitted; when used, they serve to
determine or limit the thing spoken of: as, "Variety is charming."

"Familiarity doth breed contempt."

"A stitch in time saves nine."

"The heart that has truly loved never forgets."


RULE X.

One substantive, in the possessive or genitive case, is governed by
another, of a different meaning: as, "A fiddle-stick's end."

"Monkey's allowance."

"Virtue's reward."

[Illustration: 096]


RULE XI.

Active verbs govern the objective case: as, "I kissed her."

"She scratched me"

"Virtue rewards her followers."

For {088}which reason she is like a cook.

Verbs neuter do not govern an objective case. Observe, therefore, that
such phrases: as,

"She cried a good one,"

"He came the old soldier over me,"

and so forth, are highly improper in a grammatical point of view, to say
nothing of other objections to them.

These verbs, however, are capable of governing words of a meaning
similar to their own: as, in the affecting ballad of Giles Scroggins--

"I wont, she cried, and screamed a scream"

The verb To Be has the same case after it as that which goes before it:
as, "It was I" not "It was me"

"The Grubbs were they who eat so much tripe at our last party not "The
Grubbses were them."


RULE XII.

One verb governs another that depends upon it, in the infinitive mood:
as, "Cease to smoke pipes."

"Begin to wear collars."

"I advise you to shave"

"I recommend you to go to church."

"I resolved to visit the Carolinas."

"And there I learned to wheel about And jump Jim Crow."

In general the preposition to is used before the latter of two verbs;
but sometimes it is more properly omitted: as, "I saw you take it, young
fellow; come along with me."

"Let me get hold of you, that's all!"

"Did I hear you speak?"

"I'll let you know!"

"You dare not hit me."

"Bid me discourse"

"You need not sing"

The proposition for is sometimes unnecessarily intruded into a sentence,
in addition to the preposition to, before an infinitive mood: as, How
came you for to think, {089}for to go, for to do such a thing?" Do you
want me for to punch your head?"

Adjectives, substantives, and participles, often govern the infinitive
mood: as, "Miss Hopkins, I shall be happy to dance the next set with
you."

"Oh! Sir, it is impossible to refuse you."

"Have you an inclination to waltz?"

"I shall be delighted in endeavoring to do so."

The infinitive mood is frequently made absolute, that is, independent of
the rest of the sentence: as, "To say the truth, I was rather the worse
for liquor."

"Not to mince matters, Miss, I love you."

[Illustration: 098]

RULE XIII.

The {090}relation which words and phrases bear to each other in point
of time, should always be duly marked: instead of saying, "Last night I
intended to have made strong love to her," we should say, "Last night I
intended to make strong love to her;" because, although the intention of
making strong love may have been abandoned (on reflection) this morning,
and is now, therefore, a thing which is past, yet it is undoubtedly,
when last night and the thoughts connected with it are brought back,
again present to the mind.


RULE XIV.

Participles have the same power of government with that of the verbs
from which they are derived: as,

"Oh, what an exquisite singer Rubini is! I am so fond of hearing him."

"Look at that horrid man; I declare he is quizzing us!"

"No, he is only taking snuff."

"See, how that thing opposite keeps making mouths."

"How fond they all are of wearing mustaches! Don't you like it?"

"Oh, yes! there is no resisting them."

"Heigho! I am dying to have an ice--"

     Young man for a husband, Miss?
     For shame, Sir! don't be rude!

Participles are sometimes used as substantives: as, "The French mouth is
adapted to the making of grimaces."

"The cobbler is like the parson; he lives by the mending of soles."

"The tailor reaps a good harvest from the sewing of cloth."

"Did you ever see a shoot-ing of the moon?"

Is this what the witches mean when they sing, in the acting play of
Macbeth,

"We fly by night?"

If {091}they "shoot the moon," they are shooting stars. There is a mode
of using the indefinite article a before a participle, for which
there is no occasion, as it does not convert the participle into a
substantive, and makes no alteration in the sense of what is said; in
this case the article, therefore, is like a wart, a wen, or a knob at
the end of the nose, neither useful nor ornamental: as, "Going out a
shooting."

"Are you a coming to-morrow?"

"I was a thinking about what Jem said."

"Here you are, a going of it, as usual!" A liberty not unfrequently
taken with the English Language, is the substitution of the perfect
participle for the imperfect tense, and of the imperfect tense for the
perfect participle: as, "He run like mad, with the great dog after him."

"Maria come and told us all about it."

"When I had wrote the Valentine, I sealed it with my thimble."

"He has rose to (be) a common* councilman."

"I was chose Lord Mayor."

"I've eat (or a eat) lots of vension in my time."

"I should have spoke if you hadn't put in your oar."

"You were mistook."

"He sent her an affecting copy of verses, which was wrote with a
Perryian pen."


RULE XV.

Adverbs are generally placed in a sentence before adjectives, after
verbs active or neuter, and frequently between the auxiliary and the
verb: as, "He came, Sir, and he was most exceedingly drunk; he could
hardly stand upon his legs; he made a very lame discourse; he spoke
incoherently and ridiculously; and was impatiently heard by the whole
assembly."

"He is fashionably dressed."

"She is conspicuously ugly."

"The eye of {092}jealousy is proverbially sharp, and yet it is
indisputiably green"

"The French Marquis was a very charming man; he danced exquisitely and
nimbly, and was greatly admired by all the ladies."

[Illustration: 101]

Several adverbs have been coined of late; and some of them are
very remarkable for a "particular" elegance: as, "I reckon you're
catawampously chawed up." In the example just given there is to be
found, besides the new adverb, a word which, if not also new to the
{093}English student, is rendered so both by its orthography and
pronunciation; namely, _chawed_. This term is no other than "chewed,"
modified. "Chawed up" is a very strong expression, and is employed to
signify the most complete state of discomfiture and defeat, when a man
is as much crushed, mashed, and comminuted, morally speaking, as if
he had literally and corporeally undergone the process of mastication.
"Catawampously" is a concentration of "hopelessly," "tremendously,"
"thoroughly," and "irrevocably;" so that "catawampously chawed up,"
means, brought as nearly to a state of utter annihilation as anything
consistently with the laws of nature can possibly be. For the
metaphorical use of the word "chawed," three several reasons have been
given: 1. Familiarity with the manner in which the alligator disposes
of his vie-tims. 2. The cannibalism of the Aborigines. 3. The delicate
practice of chewing tobacco. Each of these is supported by numerous
arguments, on the consideration of which it would be quite out of the
question to enter in this place.


RULE XVI.

Two English negatives (like French lovers) destroy one another,--and
become equivalent to an affirmative: as, "The question before the House
was not an unimportant one;" that is, "it was an important one."

"Mr. Brown was free to confess that he did not undertake to say that
he would not on some future occasion give a satisfactory answer to the
honorable gentleman."

Thus, at one and the same time, we teach our readers Syntax and
secretiveness.

It is probable that small boys are often unacquainted with {094}this
rule; for many of them, while undergoing personal chastisement, exclaim,
for the purpose, as it would appear, of causing its duration to be
shortened--"Oh pray, Sir, oh pray, Sir, oh pray, Sir! I won't do so no
more!"


RULE XVII.

Prepositions govern the objective case: as, "What did the butcher say of
her?"

"He said that she would never do for him; that she was too thin for a
wife, and he was not fond of a spare rib."

The delicate ear is much offended by any deviation from this rule:
as, in a shocking and vulgar song which it was once our misfortune to
hear:--

     "There I found the faithless she
     Frying sausages for he."

We had occasion, in the Etymology, to remark on a certain misuse of the
preposition, of. This, perhaps, is best explained by stating that of in
the instances cited, is made to usurp the government of cases which are
already under a rightful jurisdiction: as, "What are you got a eating
of?"

"He had been a beating of his wife."


RULE XVIII.

Conjunctions connect similar moods and tenses of verbs, and cases of
nouns and pronouns: as, "A coat of arms suspended on a wall is like an
executed traitor; it is hanged, drawn, and quartered."

"If you continue thus to drink brandy and water and to smoke cigars, you
will be like Boreas the North wind, who takes 'cold without' wherever he
goes, and always 'blows a cloud' when it comes in his way."

"Do you think there is any {095}thing between him and her?"

"Yes; he, and she are engaged ones."

[Illustration: 104]

Note.--To ask whether there is any thing between two persons of opposite
sexes, is one way of inquiring whether they are in love with each other.
It is not, however, in our opinion, a very happy phrase, inasmuch
as whatever intervenes between a couple of fond hearts, must tend to
prevent them from coming together.


RULE XIX.

Some conjunctions govern the indicative; some the subjunctive mood. In
general, it is right to use the subjunctive, {096}when contingency or
doubt is implied: as, "If I were to say that the moon is made of green
cheese."

"If I were a wiseacre."

"If I were a Wilt-shire-man."

"A lady, unless, she be toasted, is never drunk."

And when she is toasted, those who are drunk are generally the
gentlemen.

[Illustration: 105]

Those conjunctions which have a positive and absolute signification,
require the indicative mood: as, "He who fasts may be compared to a
horse: for as the animal eats not a bit, so neither does the man partake
of a morsel."

"The rustic is deluded by false hopes, for his daily food is gammon."

Every philosopher has his weak points, and in the Sylva Sylvarum may be
found some gammon of Bacon.


RULE XX.

When a comparison is made between two or more things, the latter noun or
pronoun is not governed by the {097}conjunction than or as, but agrees
with the verb, or is governed by the verb or preposition, expressed
or understood: as, "The French are a lighter people than we," (that is
"than we are,") "and yet we are not so dark as they," that is, "as they
are."

"I should think that they admire me more than them," that is, "than they
admire them."

"It is a shame, Martha! you were thinking more of that young officer
than me," that is, "of me."

[Illustration: 106]

Sufficient attention is not always paid, in discourse, to this rule.
Thus, a schoolboy may be often heard to exclaim,

"What did you hit me for, you great fool?"

"You're bigger than me. Hit some one of your own size!"

"Not fling farther than him? just can't I, that's all!"

"You and I have got more marbles than them,"


RULE XXI.

An {098}ellipsis, or omission of certain words, is frequently allowed,
for the sake of avoiding disagreeable repetitions, and of expressing our
ideas in a few words. Instead of saying, "She was a little woman, she
was a round woman, and she was an old woman," we say, making use of the
figure Ellipsis, "She was a little, round, and old woman."

When, however, the omission of words is productive of obscurity, weakens
the sentence, or involves a violation of some grammatical principle,
the ellipsis must not be used. It is improper to say, "Puddings fill who
fill them;" we should supply the word those. "A beautiful leg of mutton
and turnips" is not good language: those who would deserve what they
are talking about ought to say, "A beautiful leg of mutton and fine
turnips."

In common discourse, in which the meaning can be eked out by gestures,
signs, and inarticulate sounds variously modified, the ellipsis is
much more liberally and more extensively employed than in written
composition. "May I have the pleasure of--hum? ha?" may constitute an
invitation to take wine. "I shall be quite--a--a--" may serve as an
answer in the affirmative. "So then you see he was--eh!--you see--," is
perhaps an intimation that a man has been hanged. "Well, of all the--I
never!" is often tantamount to three times as many words expressive of
surprise, approbation, or disapprobation, according to the tone in
which it is uttered. "Will you?--ah!--will you?--ah!--ah!--ah!" will do
either for "Will you be so impertinent, you scoundrel? will you dare
to do so another {099}time?" or, "Will you, dearest, loveliest, most
adorable of your sex, will you consent to make me happy; will you be
mine? speak! answer, I entreat you! One word from those sweet lips will
make me the most fortunate man in existence!"

There is, however, a kind of ellipsis which those who indulge in that
style of epistolary writing, wherein sentiments of a tender nature are
conveyed, will do well to avoid with the greatest care. The ellipsis
alluded to, is that of the first person singular of the personal
pronoun, as instanced in the following model of a billet-doux:--


     Camberwell,

     April 1, 1844.

     MY DEAREST FANNY,

     Have not enjoyed the balm of sleep all the livelong night.
     Encountered, last night, at the ball, the beau ideal of my
     heart. Never knew what love was till then. Derided the
     sentiment often; jested at scars, because had never felt a
     wound. Feel at last the power of beauty--Write with a
     tremulous hand; waver between hope and fear. Hope to be
     thought not altogether unworthy of regard: fear to be
     rejected as having no pretensions to the affections of such
     unparalleled loveliness. Know not in what terms to declare
     my feelings. Adore you, worship you, dote on you, am wrapt
     up in you! think but on you, live but for you, would
     willingly die for you!--in short, love you! and imploring
     you to have some compassion on one who is distracted for
     your sake

     Remain

     Devotedly yours

     T. Tout.


RULE XXII.

A {100}Regular and dependent construction should be carefully preserved
throughout the whole of a sentence, and all its parts should correspond
to each other. There is, therefore, an inaccuracy in the following
sentence; "Greenacre was more admired, but not so much lamented, as
Burke." It should be, "Greenacre was more admired than Burke, but not so
much lamented."

Of these two worthies there will be a notice of the following kind in
a biographical dictionary, to be published a thousand years hence in
America.

Greenacre.--A celebrated critic who so cut up a blue-stocking lady of
the name of Brown, that he did not leave her a leg to stand upon.

Burke.--A famous orator, whose power of stopping people's mouths was
said to be prodigious. It is farther reported of him that he was only
once hung up, and that on the occasion of the last speech he ever made.

Perhaps it may be said that the rule last stated comprehends all
preceding rules and requires exemplification accordingly. We therefore
call the attention of the reader to the following paragraph, requesting
him to consider what, and how many, violations of the maxims of Syntax
it contains.

"We teaches, that is, my son and me teaches, the boys English Grammar.
Tom or Dick have learned something every day but Harry what is idler,
whom I am sure will never come to no good, for he is always a miching
and doing those kind of things (he was catch but yesterday in a skittle
grounds) he only makes his book all dog's ears. I beat he, too, pretty
smartish, as I ought, you will say, for to have did. I was going to have
{101}sent him away last week but he somehow got over me as he do always.
I have had so much trouble with he, that between you and I, if I was not
paid for il, I wouldn't have no more to do with such a boy. There never
wasn't a monkey more mischievious than him; and a donkey isn't more
stupider and not half so obstinate as that youngster."

The Syntax of the Interjection has been sufficiently stated under Rule
V. Interjections afford more matter for consideration in a Treatise
on Elocution than they do in a work on Grammar; but there is one
observation which we are desirous of making respecting them, and which
will not, it is hoped, be thought altogether foreign to our present
subject. Almost every interjection has a great variety of meanings,
adapted to particular occasions and circumstances, and indicated chiefly
by the tone of the voice. Of this proposition we shall now give a few
illustrations, which we would endeavor to render still clearer by the
addition of musical notes, but that these would hardly express, with
adequate exactness, the modulations of sound to which we allude; and
besides, we hope to be sufficiently understood without such help. This
part of the Grammar should be read aloud by the student; or, which is
better still, the interjection, where it is possible, should be repeated
with the proper intonation by a class; the sentence which gives occasion
to it being read by the preceptor. We will select the interjection Oh!
as the source from which our examples are to be drawn.

"I'll give it to you, you idle dog: I will!"

"Oh, pray, Sir! Oh, pray, Sir! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

"I shall ever have the highest esteem for you, Sir; but as to love, that
is out of the question."

"Oh, {102}Matilda!"

"I say, Jim, look at that chaffinch: there's a shy!"

"Oh, Crikey!"

"Miss Timms, do you admire Lord Byron?"

"Oh, yes!"

"What do you think of Rubini's singing?"

"Oh!"

"So then, you see, we popped round the corner, and caught them just in
the nick of time."

"Oh!"

"Sir, your behavior has done you great credit."

"Oh!"

"Oats are looking up."

"Oh!"

"Honorable Members might say what they pleased; but he was convinced,
for his part, that the New Poor Law had given great general
satisfaction."

"Oh! oh!"

There being now no reason (or rule) to detain us in the Syntax, we shall
forthwith advance into Prosody, where we shall have something to say,
not only about rules, but also of measures.




PART IV. PROSODY.

Prosody {103}consists of two parts; wherefore, although it may be a
topic, a head, or subject for discussion, it can never be a point; for a
point is that which hath no parts. Besides, there are a great many
lines to be considered in the second part of Prosody, which treats of
Versification. The first division teaches the true Pro-nunciation of
Words, including Accent, Quantity, Emphasis, Pause, and Tone.

Lord Chesterfield's book about manners, which is intended to teach
us the proper tone to be adopted in Society, may be termed an Ethical
Prosody.

Lord Chesterfield may have been a polished gentleman, but Dr. Johnson
was of the two the more shining character.




CHAPTER I. OF PRONUNCIATION




SECTION I. OF ACCENT.

Though penetrated ourselves by the desire of imparting instruction,
we are far from wishing to bore our readers; and therefore we shall:
endeavor to repeat nothing here that we have said before.

Accent {104}is the marking with a peculiar stress of the voice a
particular letter or syllable in a word, in such a manner as to render
it more distinct or audible than the rest. Thus, in the word theatre,
the stress of the voice should be on the letter e and first syllable
the; and in contrary, on the first syllable con. How shocking it is to
hear people say con-trary, the-atre! The friends of education will be
reminded with regret, that an error in the pronunciation of the first of
these words is very early impressed on the human mind.

     "Mary, Mary,
     Quite contrary,
     How does your garden grow?"

How many evils, alas! arise from juvenile associations!

Words of two syllables never have more than one of them accented, except
for the sake of peculiar emphasis. Gentlemen, however, whose profession
it is to drive certain public vehicles called cabs, are much accustomed
to disregard this rule, and to say, "po-lite" (or "pur-lite"),
"gen-teel," "con-cern," "po-lice," and so on: nay, they go so far as to
convert a word of one syllable into two, for the sake of indulging in
this style of pronunciation; and thus the word "queer" is pronounced by
them as "ke-veer."

The word "a-men," when standing alone, should be pronounced with two
accents.

The accents in which it usually is pronounced are very inelegant.
Clerks, now-a-days, alas! are no scholars.

Dissyllables, formed by adding a termination, usually have the former
syllable accented: as, "Foolish, block-head," &c.

===>See Page Scan

The {105}accent in dissyllables, formed by prefixing a syllable to the
radical word, is commonly on the latter syllable: as, "I protest, I
declare, I entreat, I adore, I expire."

Protestations, declarations, entreaties, and adorations, proclaim a
swain to be simply tender; but expiration (for love) proves him to be
decidedly soft.

[Illustration: 114]

A man who turns lover becomes a protest-ant; and his conduct at the same
time generally undergoes a reformation, especially if he has previously
been a rake.

The zeal, however, of a reformed rake, like that of Jack in Dean Swift's
"Tale of a Tub," is sometimes apt to outrun his discretion.

When the same word, being a dissyllable, is both a noun {106}and a verb,
the verb has mostly the accent on the latter, and the noun on the former
Syllable: as,

     "Molly, let Hymen's gentle hand
     Cement our hearts together,
     With such a cement as shall stand
     In spite of wind and weather.

     "I do presage--and oft a fact
     A presage doth foretoken--
     Our mutual love shall ne'er contract,
     Our contract ne'er be broken."

There are many exceptions to the rule just enunciated (so that,
correctly as well as familiarly speaking, it is perhaps _no_ rule;) for
though verbs seldom have an accent on the former, yet nouns frequently
have it on the latter syllable: as,

     "Mary Anne is my delight
     Both by day and eke by night;
     For by day her soft control
     Soothes my heart and calms my soul;
     And her image while I doze
     Comes to sweeten my repose;
     Fortune favoring my design,
     Please the pigs she shall be mine!"

The former syllable of most dissyllables ending in y, our, ow, le, ish,
ck, ter, age, en, et, is accented: as "Granny, noodle," &c.

Except allow, avow, endow, bestow, below.

     "Sir I cannot allow
     You your flame to avow;
     Endow yourself first with the rhino:
     My hand to bestow On a fellow below
     Me!--I'd rather be--never mind---
     _I_ know."

"Music," {107}in the language of the Gods, is sometimes pronounced
"mu-sic!"

Nouns of two syllables ending in er, have the accent on the former
syllable: as, "Butcher, baker."

It is, perhaps, a singular thing, that persons who pursue the callings
denoted by the two words selected as examples, should always indicate
their presence at an area by crying out, in direct defiance of Prosody,
"But-cher, ba-ker;" the latter syllable being of the two the more
strongly accented.

Dissyllabic verbs ending in a consonant and e final, as "Disclose,"
"repine," or having a dipthong in the last syllable, as, "Believe,"
"deceive," or ending in two consonants, as "Intend," are accented on the
latter syllable.

     "Matilda's eyes a light disclose,
     Which with the star of Eve might vie;
     Oh! that such lovely orbs as those
     Should sparkle at an apple-pie!
     "Thy love I thought was wholly mine,
     Thy heart I fondly hoped to rule;
     Its throne I cannot but repine
     At sharing with a goosb'ry fool!
     "Thou swear'st no flatterer can deceive
     Thy mind,--thy breast no coxcomb rifle;
     Thou art no trifler, I believe,
     But why so plaguy fond of trifle?
     "Why, when we're wed--I don't intend
     To joke, Matilda, or be funny;
     I really fear that you will spend
     The Honey Moon in eating honey!"

Most {108}dissyllabic nouns, having a dipthong in the latter syllable,
have the aecent also on that syllable: as,

     "A Hamlet that draws
     Is sure of applause."

A Hamlet that draws? There are not many who can give even an outline of
the character.

In a few words ending in _ain_ the accent is placed on the former
syllable: as, "Villain," which is pronounced as the natives of
Whitechapel pronounce "willing." Those dissyllables, the vowels of which
are separated in pronunciation, always have the accent on the first
syllable: as, lion, scion, &c.

     When is a young and tender shoot
     Like a fond swain? When 'tis a scion.

     What's the most gentlemanly brute
     Like, of all flow'rs? A _dandy_lion.'

Trisyllables, formed by adding a termination or prefixing a syllable,
retain the accent of the radical word: as, "Loveliness, sheepishness,
knavery, assurance." The first syllable of trisyllables ending in
ons, al, ion, is accented in the generality of cases: as in the words
"serious, capital," &c.

     "Dr. Johnson declared, with a serious face,
     That he reckoned a punster a villain:
     What would he have thought of the horrible case
     Of a man who makes jokes that are killing?"

     In his diction to speak 'tis not easy for one Who must
     furnish both reason and rhyme:
     "Sir, the rogue who has utter'd a capital pun,
     Has committed a capital crime.'

Trisyllables {109}ending in ce, ent, ate, y, re, le, and ude, commonly
accent the first syllable. Many of those, however, which are derived
from words having the accent on the last syllable and of those of which
the middle syllable has a vowel between two consonants, are excepted.

     They who would elegantly speak
     Should not say "impudence," but "cheek;"
     Should all things eatable call "prog;"
     Eyes "ogles," countenance "phisog."
     A coach should nominate a "drag,"
     And specify as "moke," a nag:
     For excellent, use "prime" or "bang up,"
     Or "out and out;" and "scrag," for hang up.
     The theatre was wont to teach
     The public rectitude of speech,
     But we who live in modern age
     Consult the gallery, not the stage.

Trisyllables ending in ator have the accent placed on the middle
syllable; as, "Spectator, narrator," &c. except orator, senator, and a
few other words.

Take care that you never pronounce the common name of the vegetable
sometimes called Irish fruit, "purtator."

A dipthong in the middle syllable of a trisyllable is accented: as
also, in general, is a vowel before two consonants: as, "Domestic,"
"endeavor."

An endeavor to appear domesticated, or in common phraseology, to "do"
the domestic, is sometimes made by young gentlemen, and generally with
but an ill grace. {110}Avoid such attempts, reader, on all occasions:
and in particular never adventure either to nurse babies, or (when you
shall have "gone up to the ladies") to pour water into the tea-pot from
the kettle. A legal or medical student sometimes thinks proper, from a
desire of appearing at once gallant and facetious, to usurp the office
of pouring out the tea itself, on which occasions he is very apt to
betray his uncivilised habits by an unconscious but very unequivocal
manipulation used in giving malt liquor what is technically termed a
"head."

Many polysyllables are regulated as to accent by the words from which
they are derived: as, "Inex-pressibles, Substituted, Unobjectionably,
Designated, Transatlantic, Delicacy, Decidedly, Unquestionable."

Words ending in ator are commonly accented on the last syllable but one,
let them be as long as they may: as, respirator, regulator, renovator,
indicator, and all the other alors that we see in the newspapers.

Many words ending in ion, ous, ty, ia, io, and cal, have their accent
on the last syllable but two: as, "Con-si-de-ra-ti-on, pro-di-gi-ous,
im-pe-ne-tra-bil-i-ty, en-cy-clo-pae'-di-a, brag-ga-do-ci-o,
an-ti-mo-narch-i-cal," all of which words we have divided into
syllables, by way of a hint that they are to be pronounced (comically
speaking) after the manner of Dominie Sampson.

Words that end in le usually have the accent on the first syllable:
as, "Amicable, despicable," &c.: although we have heard people say
"despicable."

"I never see such a despicable fellow, not in all my born days."

Words of this class, however, the second syllable of which has a vowel
before two consonants, are often differently {111}accented: as in
"Respectable, contemptible.

[Illustration: 120]

Having, in compliance with grammatical usage, laid down certain rules
with regard to accent, we have to inform the reader that there are so
many exceptions to almost all of them, that perhaps there is scarcely
one which it is worth while to attend to. We hope we have some measure
amused him; but as to instruction, fear that, in this part of our
subject, we have given him {112}very little of that. Those who would
acquire a correct accent had better attend particularly to the mode
of speaking adopted in good society; avoid debating clubs; and go to
church. For farther satisfaction and information we refer them, and we
beg to say that we are not joking--to _Walker_.




SECTION II. OF QUANTITY.

The quantity of a syllable means the time taken up in pronouncing it.
As there is in Arithmetic a long division and a short division, so in
Prosody is Quantity considered as long or short.

A syllable is said to be long, when the accent is on the vowel, causing
it to be slowly joined in pronunciation to the next letter: as, "Flea,
small, creature."

A syllable is called short, when the accent lies on the consonant, so
that the vowel is quickly joined to the succeeding letter: as "Crack,
little, devil."

The pronunciation of a long syllable commonly occupies double the time
of a short one: thus, "Pate," and "Broke," must be pronounced as slowly
again as "Pat," and "Knock."

We have remarked a curious tendency in the more youthful students of
Grammar to regard the quantity of words (in their lessons) more as being
"small" or "great" than as coming under the head of "long" or "short."
Their predilection for small quantities of words is very striking and
peculiar; food for the mind they seem to look upon as physic; and all
physic, in their estimation, is most agreeably taken in infinitesimal
doses. The Homoeopathic system of acquiring knowledge {113}is more to
their taste than even the Hamiltonian.

It is quite impossible to give any rules as to quantity worth reading.
The Romans may have submitted to them, but that is no reason why we
should. We will pronounce our words as we please: and if foreigners
want to know why, we will tell them that, when there is no law to the
contrary, we always does as we likes with our own.

[Illustration: 122]




SECTION III. ON EMPHASIS.

Emphasis {114}is the distinguishing of some word or words in a sentence,
on which we wish to lay particular stress, by a stronger and fuller
sound, and sometimes by a particular tone of the voice.

A few illustrations of the importance of emphasis will be, perhaps, both
agreeable and useful.

When a young lady says to a young gentlemen, "You are a _nice_ fellow;
you _are!_"--she means one thing.

When a young gentleman, addressing one of his own sex, remarks,
"_You're_ a nice fellow; _you_ are;"--he means another thing.

"Your friend is a gentlemen," pronounced without any particular
emphasis, is the simple assertion of a fact.

"Your friend is a gentleman," with the emphasis on the words "friend"
and "gentleman," conveys an insinuation besides.

So simple a question as "Do you like pine-apple rum?" is susceptible of
as many meanings as there are words in it; according to the position of
the emphasis.

"_Do_ you like pine-apple rum?" is as much as to say, "Do you, though,
really like pine-apple rum?"

"Do _you_ like pine-apple rum?" is tantamount to,

"Can it be that a young gentleman (or lady) like you, can like
pine-apple rum?"

"Do you _like_ pine-apple rum?" means, "Is it possible that instead of
disliking, you are fond of pine-apple rum?"

"Do {115}you like _pine-apple_ rum?" is an enquiry as to whether you
like that kind of rum in particular.

And lastly, "Do you like pine-apple _rum?_" is equivalent to asking if
you think that the flavor of the pineapple improves that especial form
of alcohol.

A well-known instance of an emphasis improperly placed was furnished
by a certain Parson, who read a passage in the Old Testament in the
following unlucky manner: "And he said unto his sons, Saddle me the ass;
and they saddled _him._"

Young ladies are usually very emphatic in ordinary discourse. "What a
little _dear!_ Oh! how _sweetly_ pretty! Well! I never _did_, I
declare! _So_ nice, and _so_ innocent, and _so_ good-tempered, and _so_
affectionate, and _such_ a color! And _oh! such lovely eyes!_ and such
hair! He _was_ a little duck! he was, he was, he was. Tzig a tzig, tzig,
tzig, tzig, tzig!" &c. &c. &c.

This emphatic way of speaking is indicative of two very amiable
feelings implanted by nature in the female occiput, and called by the
Phrenologists Adhesiveness and Philoprogenitivenes. Those who attempt
to imitate it will be conscious, while forcing out their words, of
a peculiar mental motion, which we cannot explain otherwise than by
saying, that it is analogous to that which attends the act of pressing
or squeezing; as when, with the thumb of the right hand, we knead one
lump of putty to another, in the palm of the left. Perhaps we might also
instance, sucking an orange. In all these cases, the organ of Weight,
according to Phrenology, is also active; and this, perhaps, is one
of the faculties which induce young ladies to lay a stress upon their
words. Nevertheless, we fear that a damsel {116}would hardly be pleased
by being told that her weight was considerable, though it would, at the
same time, grievously offend her to accuse her of lightness. Here we
need scarcely observe, that we refer to lightness, not of complexion,
but of sentiment, which is always regarded as a dark shade in the
character. This defect, we think, we may safely assert, will never be
observed in emphatic fair ones.

But we have not quite yet exhausted the subject of emphasis, considered
in relation to young ladies. Their letters are as emphatic as their
language is, almost every third word being underlined. Such epistles,
inasmuch as they are addressed to the heart, ought not to be submitted
to the ear; nevertheless we must say that we have occasionally been
wicked and waggish enough to read them aloud--to ourselves alone, of
course. The reader may, if he choose, follow our example. We subjoin
a specimen of female correspondence, endeared to us by many tender
recollections, and admirably adapted to our present purpose.

===>See Page Scan.

I was terribly afraid that Matilda and I would have caught our Death of
cold; but thank Goodness no such untoward event took place. It was very
uncomfortable and I so wished you had been there.. When we got home who
do you think was there? Mr. Sims; and he said he thought that I was so
much grown. Only think. And so then you know we took some refreshment,
for I assure you, what with the journey and altogether we were very
nearly famished; and we were all invited {117}to go to the Chubbs' that
Evening to a small Tea Party, for which I must own I thought Mr. Chubb a
ism* man. After tea we had a carpet waltz, and although I was very tired
I enjoyed it much. There were some very pretty girls there, and one or
two agreeable young men; but oh! &c.

The remainder of this letter being of a nature personally interesting
to ourselves only, and likely, in the opinion of some readers, to render
its insertion attributable to motives of vanity, we shall not be found
fault with for objecting to transcribe any more of it.




SECTION IV. OF PAUSES.

A Pause, otherwise called a rest, is an absolute cessation of the
voice, in speaking or reading, during a perceptible interval, longer or
shorter, of time.

Comic Pauses often occur in Oratory. "Unaccustomed as I am to public
speaking," is usually followed by a pause of this sort. A young
gentleman, his health having been drunk at a party, afforded, in
endeavoring to return thanks, a signal illustration of the Pause Comic.
"Gentlemen," he began, "the Ancient Romans,"--(A pause,)--"gentlemen,
the Ancient Romans,"--(Hear!)--"The Ancient Romans, Gentlemen,"--(Bravo!
hear! hear!)--"Gentlemen--that is--the Ancient Romans"--"were very fine
fellows, Jack, I dare say," added a friend, pulling the speaker down by
the coat-tail.

That notable Ancient Roman, Brutus, is represented by Shakspeare as
making a glorious pause: as "Who's here {118}so vile that would not
love his country? If any, speak, for him have I offended. I pause for a
reply."

[Illustration: 127]

Here of course, Brutus pauses, folds his arms, and looks magnanimous. We
have heard, though, of an idle and impudent schoolboy, who, at a
public recitation, when he had uttered the words "I pause for a reply,"
{119}gravely took out his penknife and began paring his nails.

This was minding his paws with a vengeance.




SECTION V. OF TONES.

Tones consist of the modulations of the voice, or the notes or
variations of sound which we use in speak-ing: thus differing materially
both from emphasis, and pauses.

An interesting diversity of tones is exhibited by the popular voice at
an election.

Also by charcoal-men, milk-men, and chimneysweeps; and by fruit-sellers,
and news-boys.

We cannot exactly write tones (though it is easy enough to write notes,)
but we shall nevertheless endeavor to give some idea of their utility.

Observe, that two doves billing resemble two magistrates
bowing;--because they are beak to beak.

[Illustration: 128]

A {120}lover and a police-magistrate (unless the two characters should
chance to be combined, which sometimes happens, that is, when the latter
is a lover of justice) would say, "Answer me," in very different tones.

A lover again would utter the words "For ever and ever," in a very
different tone from that in which a minister would repeat them.

A young lady, on her first introduction to you, says, "Sir," in a tone
very unlike that in which she sometime afterwards delivers herself of
the same monosyllable when she is addressing you under the influence of
jealousy.

As to the word "Sir," the number of constructions which, according
to the tone in which it is spoken, it may be made to bear, are
incalculable. We may adduce a few instances.

"Please, Sir, let me off."

"No, Sir!"

"Waiter! you, Sir."

"Yes, Sir! yes, Sir!"

"Sir, I am greatly obliged to you."

"Sir, you are quite welcome."

"Your servant, Sir" (by a man who brings you a challenge.)

"Servant, Sir" (by a tailor bowing you to the door.) "Sir, you are a
gentleman!"

"Sir, you are a scoundrel!"

We need not go on with examples ad infinitum. If after what we have said
anybody does not understand the nature of Tone, all we shall say of him
is, that he is a _Tony_ Lumpkin.




CHAPTER II. OF VERSIFICATION.

It {121}is with peculiar pleasure that we approach this part of Prosody.
We belong to a class of persons to whom a celebrated phrenological
manipulator ascribes "some poetical feeling, if studied or called
forth;" and, to borrow another expression from the same quarter, we
sometimes "versify a little;" that is to say, we versify our literary
occupations by an occasional flirtation with the muses.

We have a great respect for the memory of our old schoolmaster;
notwithstanding which, we think we can beat him (which, we shall be told
by the wags, would be tit for tat) at poet-making, though, indeed, he
was a magician in his way. "I'll make thee a poet, my boy," he used to
say, "or the rod shall."

Let us try what we can do.

A verse consists of a certain number and variety of syllables, put
together and arranged according to certain laws.

Verses being also called dulcet strains, harmonious numbers, tuneful
lays, and so forth, it is clear that such combination and arrangement
must be so made as to please the ear.

Versification is the making of verses. This seems such a truism as to be
not worth stating; but it is necessary to define what Versification is,
because many people suppose it to be the same thing with poetry. We will
prove that it is not.

     "Much business in the Funds has lately been
     Transacted various monied men between;
     Though speculation early in the week
     Went slowly; nought was done whereof to speak.
     The largest operations, it was found,
     Were twenty-five and fifty thousand _pound_."

We {122}might proceed in the same strain, but we have already done half
a dozen lines without a particle of poetry in them; and we do not wish
to overwhelm people with proofs of what a great many will take upon
trust.

Every fool knows what Rhyme is; so we need not say anything about that.


ON POETICAL FEET

Poetical feet! Why, Fanny Elsler's feet and Taglioni's feet are
poetical feet--are they not? or else what is meant by calling dancing
the poetry of Motion? And cannot each of those _artistes_ boast of a toe
which is the very essence of all poetry--a TO' KAAO'N?

No. You may make verses _on_ Taglioni's feet, (though if she be a
poetess, she can do that better than you, standing, too, on one leg,
like the man that Horace speaks of;) but you cannot make them _of_ her
feet. Feet of which verses are composed are made of syllables, not of
bones, muscles, and ligaments. Feet and pauses are the constituent parts
of a verse.

We have heard one boy ask of another, who was singing, "How much is that
a yard?" still the yard is not a poetical measure.

The feet which are used in poetry consist either of two or three
syllables. There are four kinds of feet of two, and an equal number
of three syllables. Four and four are eight: therefore Pegasus is an
octoped; and if our readers do not understand this logic, we are sorry
for it. But as touching the feet--we have

1. The {123}Trochee, which has the first syllable accent, ed, and the
last unaccented: as, "Yankee doodle."

2. The Iambus, which has the first syllable unaccented, and the last
accented: as, "The maid herself with rouge, alas! bedauebs."

3. The Spondee, which has both the words or syllables accented: as, "all
hail, great king, Tom Thumb, all hail!"

4. The Pyrrhic, which has both the words or syllables unaccented: as,
"on the tree'top."

5. The Dactyl, which has the first syllable accented and the two latter
unaccented: as, "Jonathin, Jeffer-son."

6. The Amphibrach has the first and last syllables unaccented and
the middle one accented: as, "Oe'r-whelming, transported, ecstatic,
delightful, accepted, addresses."

7. The Anapaest (or as we used to say, _Nasty-beast_) has the two first
syllables unaccented and the last accented: as, "overgrown grenadier."

8. The Tribrach has all its syllables unaccented: as, "Matrimony,
exquisite ness."

These feet are divided into principal feet, out of which pieces of
poetry may be wholly or chiefly formed; and secondary feet, the use of
which is to diversify the number and improve the verse.

We shall now proceed to explain the nature of the principal feet.

Iambic verses are of several kinds, each kind consisting of a certain
number of feet or syllables.

1. The shortest form of the English Iambic consists of an Iambus, with
an additional short syllable thus coinciding with the Amphibrach: as,
{124}

     "What Susan,
     My beauty!
     Refuse one
     So true t' ye?

     This ditty
     Of sadness
     Begs pity
     For madness."

2. The second form of the English Iambic consists of two Iambuses, and
sometimes takes an additional short syllable: as,

     "My eye, what fuen.
     With dog and gun,
     And song and shout,
     To roam about!
     And shoot our snipes!
     And smoke our pipes!
     Or eat at ease,
     Beneath the trees,
     Our bread and cheese!
     To rouse the hare
     From gloomy lair;
     To scale the mountain
     And ford the fountain,
     While rustics wonder
     To hear our thunder."

3. The third form consists of three Iambuses: as in the following
_morceau_, the author of which is, we regret to say, unknown to us;
though we did once hear somebody say that it was Mr. Anon.

     "Jack Spratt eat all the fat,
     His wife eat all the lean,
     And so between them both,
     They lick'd the platter clean."

In {125}this verse an additional short syllable is also admitted: as,

     "Alexis youethful plouegh-boy,
     A Shepherdess adored,
     Who loved fat Hodge, the cow-boy,
     So t'other chap was floored."

4. The fourth form is made up of four Iambuses: as,

     "Adieue my boots, companions old,
     New footed twice, and four times soled;
     My footsteps ye have guarded long,
     Life's brambles, thorns, and flints among;
     And now you're past the cobbler's art,
     And fate declares that we must part.
     Ah me! what cordial can restore
     The gaping patch repatch'd before?
     What healing art renew the weal
     Of subject so infirm of heel?
     What potion, pill, or draught control
     So deep an ulcer of the sole?

5. The fifth species of English Iambic consists of five Iambuses: as,

     You Come, Tragic Muese, in tatter'd vest array'd,
     And while through blood, and mud, and crimes I wade,
     Support my steps, and this, my strain, inspire
     With Horror's blackest thoughts and bluest fire!"


The Epic of which the above example is the opening, will perhaps appear
hereafter. This kind of Iambic constitutes what is called the heroic
measure:--of which we shall have more to say by and by; but shall only
{126}remark at present that it, in common with most of the ordinary
English measures, is susceptible of many varieties, by the admission of
other feet, as Trochees, Dactyls, Anapaests, &c.

6. Our Iambic in its sixth form, is commonly called the Alexandrine
measure. It consists of six Iambuses: as,

     "His worship gave the word, and Snooks was borne away."

The Alexandrine is sometimes introduced into heroic rhyme, and when
used, as the late Mr. John Reeve was wont to say, "with a little
moderation," occasions an agreeable variety. Thus the example quoted is
preceded by the following lines:--

     "What! found at midnight with a darkey, lit,
     A bull-dog, jemmy, screw, and centre-bit
     And tongueless of his aim? It cannot be
     But he was bent, at least, on felony;
     He stands remanded. 'Ho! Policeman A!'
     His worship gave the word, and Snooks was borne away."

7. The seventh and last form of our Iambic measure is made up of seven
Iambuses. This species of verse has been immortalised by the adoption of
those eminent hands, Messrs. Sternhold and Hopkins. It runs {127}thus:--


     Good people all, I pray draw near, for you I needs muest tell,
     That William Brown is dead and gone; the man you knew full well.
     A broad-brimm'd hat, black breeches, and an old Welch wig he wore:
     And now and then a long brown coat all button'd up before."
     The present measure is as admirably adapted for the
     Platform as for the Conventicle.

     "My name it is Bill Scroggins, and my fate it is to die,
     For I was at the Sessions tried and cast for felony.
     My friends, to these my dying words I pray attention lend,
     The public-house has brought me unto this untimely end."

Verses of this kind are now usually broken into two lines, with four
feet in the first line, and three in the second: as,

     "I wish I were a little pig
     To wallow in the mire,
     To eat, and drink, and sleep at ease
     Is all that I desire."

Trochaic verse is of several kinds.

1. The shortest Trochaic verse in the English language consists of one
Trochee and a long syllable: as,

    "Billy Black
     Got the sack."

Lindley Murray asserts that this measure is defective in dignity, and
can seldom be used on serious occasions. Yet it is Pope who thus sings:

     "Dreadful screams,
     Dismal gleams.
     Fires that glow,
     Shrieks of woe," &c.

And for our own poor part, let us see what we can make out of a storm.
{128}

===> See Page Scan


2. The second English form of the Trochaic consists of two feet: as,

     "Vermicelli,
     Cuerrant jelly."

It sometimes contains two feet, or trochees, with an additional long
syllable: as,

     "Youth inclined to wed,
     Go and shave thy head."

3. The third species consists of three trochees: as,

     "Sing a song of sixpence.

Or of three trochees, with an additional long syllable: as, {129}

     "Thrice my coat, have o'er thee roll'd,
     Summer hot and winter cold,
     Since the Snip's creative art
     Into being bade thee start;
     Now like works the most sublime,
     Thou displaty'st the power of time.
     Broad grey patches plainly trace,
     Right and left each blade-bone's place;
     When thy shining collar's scann'd,
     Punsters think on classic land:
     Thread-bare sleeves thine age proclaim,
     Elbows worn announce the same;
     Elbows mouldy-black of hue,
     Save where white a crack shines through;
     While thy parting seams declare
     Thou'rt unfit for farther wear--
     Then, farewell! "What! Moses! ho!"
     "Clo', Sir? clo', Sir? clo', Sir? clo'?"

4. The fourth Trochaic species consists of four trochees, as:

     "Ugh! you little luemp of bluebber,
     Sleep, oh! sleep in quiet, do!
     Cease awhile your bib to slobber--
     Cease your bottle mouth to screw.

     "How I wish your eyelids never
     Would unclose again at all;
     For I know as soon as ever
     You're awake, you're sure to squall.

     "Dad and Mammy's darling honey,
     Tomb-stone cherub, stuff'd with slops,
     Let each noodle, dolt, and spooney
     Smack, who will, your pudding chops. {130}

     "As for me, as soon I'd smother,
     As I'd drown a sucking cat,
     You, you cub, or any other,
     Nasty little squalling brat."

"Would you, you disagreeable old Bachelor?"

[Illustration: 139]

This form may take an additional long syllable, but this measure is very
uncommon. Example:

     "Chrononhotonthologos the Great,
     Godlike in a barrow kept his state."

5. The fifth Trochaic species is likewise uncommon; and, as a Bowbellian
would say, "uncommon" ugly, It contains five trochees: as,

     "Here lies Mary, wife of Thomas Carter,
     Who to typhus fever proved a martyr."

These are a specimen of the "uncouth rhymes" so touchingly alluded to by
Gray.

6. The sixth form of the English Trochaic is a line of six trochees: as,

     "Most bewitching damsel, charming Arabella,
     Prithee, cast an eye of pity on a fellow."

The Dactylic measure is extremely uncommon. The following {131}may be
considered an example of one species of it:

     "Celia the crueel, resolv'd not to marry soon,
     Boasts of a heart like a fortified garrison,
     Bulwarks and battlements keeping the _beaux_ all off,
     Shot from within knocking lovers like foes all off."


Anapaestic verses are of various kinds.

1. The shortest anapaestic verse is a single anapaest:

     "In the glass
     There's an ass."

This measure, after all, is ambiguous; for if the stress of the voice
be laid on the first and third syllables, it becomes trochaic. Perhaps,
therefore, it is best to consider the first form of our Anapaestic verse,
as made up of two anapaests: as,

     "Set a schoolboy at work
     With a knife and a fork."

And here if you like, you may have another short syllable: as,

     "And how soon the youeng gluetton
     Will astonish your mutton!"

2. The second species consists of three anapaests: as,

     "Amaryllis was slender and tail,
     Colin Clodpole was dumpy and fat;
     And tho' she did'n't like him at all,
     Yet he doted on her for all that."

This metre is sometimes denominated sing-song.

3. The third kind of English Anapaestics may be very well exemplified by
an Irish song:

     "Have you e'er had the lueck to see Donnybrook Fair?"

It {132}consists, as will have been observed, of four ana-paests.
Sometimes it admits of a short syllable at the end of the verse: as,

     In the dead of the night, when with dire caterwauling
     Of grimalkins in chorus the house-tops resound:
     All insensibly drunk, and unconsciously sprawling
     In the kennel, how pleasant it is to be found!"

The various specimens of versification of which examples have been
given, may be improved and varied by the admission of secondary feet
into their composition; but as we are not writing an Art of Poetry, we
cannot afford to show how: particularly as the only way, after all,
of acquiring a real knowledge of the structure of English verse, is
by extensive reading. Besides, there yet remain a few Directions for
Poetical Beginners, which we feel ourselves called upon to give, and for
which, if we do not take care, we shall not have room.

The commencement of a poet's career is usually the writing of _nonsense_
verses. The nonsense of these compositions is very often unintentional;
but sometimes words are put together avowedly without regard to sense,
and with no other view than that of acquiring a familiarity with
metrical arrangement: as,

     "Approach, disdain, involuntary, tell."

But this is dry work. It may be necessary to compose in this way just
at first, but in our opinion, there is a good and a bad taste to be
displayed even in writing nonsense verses; that is, verses which really
deserve that name. We recommend the young poet to make it his aim to
render his nonsense as perfect as----


It {133}were manifestly culpable to make no mention, in a work of this
sort, of certain measures which are especially and essentially, of
a comic nature. Some of these have been already adverted to, but two
principal varieties yet remain to be considered.

1. Measures taken from the Latin, in which the structure of the ancient
verse, as far as the number and arrangement of the feet are concerned,
is preserved, but the quantity of which is regulated in accordance with
the spirit of our own language. The character of such verses will be
best displayed by employing them on sentimental or serious subjects.
Take, for example, Long and Short, or Hexameter and Pentameter verses.

   "Juelia, girl of my heart, is than jessamine sweeter, or fresh meads
   Hay-cover'd; what rose tints those on her cheeks, that flourish,
   Approach? those bright eyes, what stars, what glittering dew-drops?
   And oh! what Parian marble, or snow, that bosom?
   If she my love return, what bliss will be greater than mine; but
   What more deep sadness if she reprove my passion?
   Either a bridegroom proud yon ivy-clad church shall receive me
   Soon; or the cold church-yard me with its turf shall cover."

Or the Sapphic metre of which the late Mr. Canning's "Knife-Grinder" is
so brilliant an example. Sappho, fair reader, was a poetess, who made
love-verses which could be actually scanned. History relates {134}that,
for the sake of some unprincipled or unfeeling fellow, she committed
_felo de se_.

     "I can enduere this crueel pain no longer;
     Fare ye well, blue skies, rivers, fields, and song-birds!'
     Thus the youth spoke; and adding,
     'Oh, Jemima!' Plunged in the billow!"

[Illustration: 143]

2. Measures reducible to no rule, or Doggrel. Sternhold and Hopkins were
illustrious as Doggrel writers.

Doggrel {135}is commonly used by anonymous poets for the purpose of
embodying the moral reflections which a homicide or an execution excites
in the sensitive mind. May we hope that our remarks on Prosody will in
some little degree tend to facilitate, perhaps to improve, the future
treatment of those two deeply interesting subjects--Love and Murder?

[Illustration: 144]




CHAPTER III. PUNCTUATION.

"Mind {136}your stops." This is one of the earliest maxims inculcated
by the instructors of youth. Hence it is clear that the subject of
Punctuation is an important one: but inasmuch as the reader, who has
arrived at the present page, has either not understood a word that he
has been reading, or else knows as much about the matter as we can tell
him, we fear that a long dissertation concerning periods, commas, and so
on, would only serve to embarrass his progress in learning with
useless stops. We shall, therefore, confine ourselves to that notice of
Punctuation, and that only, which the peculiar nature of our work may
require.

First, it may be remarked, that the notes of admiration which we so
often hear in theatres, may be called notes of hand. Secondly, that
notes of interrogation are not at all like bank notes; although they are
largely uttered in Banco Regino. Let us now proceed with our subject.

Punctuation is the soul of Grammar, as Punctuality is that of business.

Perhaps somebody or other may take advantage of what we have said, to
prove both Punctuation and Punctuality immaterial. No matter.

It {137}is both absurd and inconvenient to stand upon points.

[Illustration: 146]

Of how much consequence, however, Punctuation is, the student may form
some idea, by considering the different effects which a piece of poetry,
for instance, which he has been accustomed to regard as sublime or
beautiful, will have, when liberties are taken with it in that respect.

Imagine an actor commencing Hamlet's famous soliloquy, thus:

"To be; or not to be that is. The question," &c.

Or {138}saying, in the person of Duncan, in Macbeth:

"This castle hath a pleasant seat, the air."

Or as the usurper himself, exclaiming,

"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!

Where got'st thou that goose? Look!"

[Illustration: 147]

Crying, as Romeo,

"It is my lady O! It is my love!"

Or in the character of Norval, in the tragedy of Douglas, giving this
account of himself and his origin: "My name is Norval. On the Grampian
hills My father feeds."

We {139}have now said as much as we think it necessary to say on the
head of English Grammar. We shall conclude our labors with an "Address
to Young Students and as to the question, what that has to do with
our subject, we shall leave it to be settled by Lindley Murray, whose
example, in this respect, we follow. All we shall observe is, that in
our opinion, advice concerning manners stand in the same relation to a
Comic English Grammar, as instruction in morals does to a Serious one.
For the remarks which it will now be our business to make, we bespeak
the indulgence of our elder readers, and the attention of such as are of
tender age.




ADDRESS TO YOUNG STUDENTS.

Young Gentlemen,

Having attentively perused the foregoing pages, you will be desirous, it
is to be presumed, of carrying still farther those comical pursuits in
which, with both pleasure and profit to yourselves, you have been lately
engaged. Should such be your laudable intention, you will learn, with
feelings of lively satisfaction, that it is one, in the accomplishment
of which, thanks to Modern Taste, you will find encouragement at every
step. The literature of the day is professedly comic, and of the few
works which are not made ludicrous by the design of their authors, the
majority are rendered so in spite {140}of it. In the course of your
reading, however, you will be frequently brought into contact with
hack-ney-coachmen, cabmen, lackeys, turnkeys, thieves, lawyers' clerks,
medical students, and other people of that description, who are all very
amusing when properly viewed, as the monkeys and such like animals at
the Zoological Gardens are, when you look at them through the bars of
their cage. But too great familiarity with persons of this class is sure
to breed contempt, not for them and their manners, but for the usages
and modes of expression adopted in parlors and drawingrooms, that is to
say, in good society. Nay, it is very likely to cause those who indulge
in it to learn various tricks and eccentricities, both of behavior
and speech, for "It is certain, that either wise bearing or ignorant
carriage is caught, as men take diseases, one of another." Shakspere.

Beset thus, as you will necessarily be, by perils and dangers in
your wanderings amid the fields of Comicality, you will derive great
advantage from knowing be-fore-hand what you are likely to meet with,
and what it will be incumbent on you to avoid. It is to furnish you with
this information that the following hints and instructions are intended.

Be careful, when you hear yourself called by name, to reply "Here I am,"
and not "Here you are," an error into which you are very likely to be
led by the perusal of existing authors.

When you partake, if it be your habit to do so, of the beverage called
porter, drink it as you would water, or any other liquid. Do not wink
your eye, or nod sideways to your companion; such actions, especially
when preceded by blowing away the foam which col lects {141}on the top
of the vessel, being exceedingly inelegant: in order that you may not
be incommoded by this foam or froth, always pour the fluid gently into a
tumbler, instead of drinking it out of the metallic tankard in which it
is usually brought to you.

In asking for malt liquor generally, never request the waiter to "draw
it mild and do not, on any occasion, be guilty of using the same phrase
in a metaphorical sense, that is to say, as a substitute for "Do it
quietly,"

"Be gentle," and the like.

Never exhort young ladies, during a quadrille, to "fake away," or to
"flare up," for they, being unacquainted with the meaning of such terms,
will naturally conclude that it is an improper one.

Avoid inquiries after the health of another person's mother, using that
word synonymously with Mamma, to denote a female parent. Though you may
be really innocent of any intention to be rude, your motives may very
possibly be misconstrued. Remember also on no account to put questions,
either to friends or strangers, respecting the quantity of soap in their
possession.

Should it be necessary for you to speak of some one smoking tobacco,
do not call that substance a weed, or the act of using it "blowing a
cloud."

When an acquaintance pays you a visit, take care, in rising to receive
him, not to appear to be washing your hands, and, should you be engaged
in writing at the time, place your pen on the table, or in the inkstand,
and not behind your ear.

Observe, when your tailor comes to measure you, the way in which he
wears his hair, and should your own {142}style in this particular
unfortunate resemble his, be sure to alter it immediately.

Never dance _a la cuisiniere_, that is to say, do not cut capers.

Eschew large shirt pins.

Never say "Ma'am" or "Miss," in addressing a young lady, if you cannot
contrive to speak to her without doing so, say nothing.

Never, under any circumstances, let the abbreviation "gent." for
gentleman, escape the enclosure of your teeth. Above all things, for the
sake of whatever you hold most dear, never say "me and another gent."

When you receive a coin of any kind, deposit it at once in your pocket,
without the needless preliminary of furling it in the air.

Never ask a gentleman how much he has a-year.

In speaking of a person of your own age, or of an elderly gentleman, do
not say, Old So-and-so, but So-and-so, or Mr. So-and-so, as the case
may be: and have no nicknames for each other. We were much horrified
not long since, by hearing a great coarse fellow, in a leathern hat and
fustian jacket, exclaim, turning round to his companion, "Now, then,
come along, old Blokey!"

When you have got a cold in the head and weak eyes, do not go and call
on young ladies.

Do not eat gravy with a knife, for fear those about you should suppose
you to be going to commit suicide.

In offering to help a person at dinner, do not say, "Allow me to
_assist_ you." When you ask people what wine they will take, never say,
"What'll you have?" or, "What'll you _do it in?_"

If {143}you are talking to a clergyman about another member of the
clerical profession, adopt some other method of describing his avocation
than that of saying, "I believe he is in your line."

Do not recommend an omelet to a lady, as a good _article_.

Be cautious not to use the initial letter of a person's surname, in
mentioning or in addressing him. For instance, never think of saying,
"Mrs. Hobbs, pray, how is Mr. H.?"

Call all articles of dress by their proper names. What delight can
be found by a thinking mind in designating a hat as a tile, trousers,
kickseys, a neckerchief, a fogle, or a choker; or a great coat, an upper
Benjamin? And never speak of clothes, collectively, as toggs or toggery.

We here approach the conclusion of our labors. Young gentlemen, once
more it is earnestly requested that you will give your careful attention
to the rules and admonitions which have been above laid down for your
guidance. We might have given a great many more; but we hope that the
spirit of our instructions will enable the diligent youth to supply,
by observation and reflection, that which, for obvious reasons, we have
necessarily left unsaid. And now we bid you farewell. That you may never
have the misfortune of entering, with splashed boots, a drawing-room
full of ladies; that you may never, having been engaged in a brawl
on the previous evening, meet, with a black eye, the object of your
affections the next morning; that you may never, in a moment of
agitation, omit the aspirate, or use it when you ought not; that your
laundress may always {144}do justice to your linen; and your tailor make
your clothes well, and send them home in due time; that your braces may
never give way during a waltz; that you may never, sitting in a strong
light at a large dinner-party, suddenly remember that you have not
shaved for two days; that your hands and face may ever be free from tan,
chaps, freckles, pimples, brandy-blossoms, and all other disfigurements;
that you may never be either inelegantly fat, or ridiculously lean; and
finally, that you may always have plenty to eat, plenty to drink, and
plenty to laugh at, we earnestly and sincerely wish. And should your lot
in life be other than fortunate, we can only say, that we advise you to
bear it with patience; to cultivate Comic Philosophy; and to look upon
your troubles as a joke.

[Illustration: 153]









End of Project Gutenberg's The Comic English Grammar, by Percival Leigh

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