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[Illustration: THE PUNSTERS POCKET BOOK

R. Cruikshank--dol. G. Bonner Sc.

Bernard Blackmantle.]




                   THE

           PUNSTER'S POCKET-BOOK,

                    OR

             The art of Punning

                 _ENLARGED._


                     BY

          BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ.

    AUTHOR OF THE ENGLISH SPY, ETC. ETC. ETC.


[Illustration:

    "Give me the man, when all is done,
      That wisely cracks a jest or pun."

     _Martial._]


             ILLUSTRATED WITH

         Numerous Original Designs

            BY ROBERT CRUIKSHANK.


                  LONDON:

    PUBLISHED BY SHERWOOD, GILBERT, AND PIPER,
              PATERNOSTER-ROW.


                    1826.




                   LONDON:

    PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS.




                     TO

          His Most Gracious Majesty,

            KING GEORGE THE FOURTH,

           THE ARBITER ELEGANTIARUM,

                  THE PATRON,

                  THE LOVER,

             AND THE JUDGE OF WIT,


       _THIS LITTLE VOLUME IS DEDICATED_,

         WITH THE MOST FERVENT LOYALTY,

           THE MOST SINCERE ADMIRATION,

       AND THE MOST PROFOUND RESPECT,

           BY HIS DEVOTED SERVANT,

            AND FAITHFUL SUBJECT,

[Illustration: Signature: Bernard Blackmantle]




[Illustration]




                     A

                   WORD

                    TO

         THE WITTY AND THE WISE.

    Wit led the way--with sportive jest,
    Next, Humour, most fantastic drest;
    The Graces, eldest of the Nine,
    Followed--collecting from each shrine,
    Where Genius shed a ray of light,
    Which might improve, instruct, delight.


MESSIEURS THE PUNSTERS,

I may with great propriety contend, that under such merry designation, I
am addressing a very large portion of the British public. If, beneath
your patronage, this little work should prove as successful as the
flattering anticipations of some friendly adepts in the art of punning
have induced me to expect, it is my intention to collect and publish,
annually, all the choicest _Morceaux_ and Vagaries relating to punning
that can be obtained from the wits and witty works of our own times: for
which purpose I solicit communications of _original_ Puns and Epigrams,
directed to my Publishers. In arranging the present work, I have
endeavoured to bring together all that was important to a proper
understanding of the Merry Art; to which are annexed examples by the
most celebrated Punsters of their day; many of which now, for the first
time, appear in print. Illustrated by fourteen original and appropriate
designs, from that mirth-inspiring graphic humourist, Robert Cruikshank.

For mine own whims, scattered here and there through the work, they
will, I have no doubt, be easily discovered, by their very humble
pretensions to any right of admission into the phalanx of great names in
whose company they are now associated. But, Wits and Critics, as ye are
powerful, be merciful; and remember, that taste and industry for such a
task are the great requisites of a compiler, and that it is not
essentially necessary for a _good_ collector to be a _great_ artist.

              =BERNARD BLACKMANTLE,=

 _Author of the English Spy, Editor of The Spirit of
           the Public Journals, &c. &c._




                THE FRONTISPIECE.

      Portrait of his Majesty George the Fourth.

     DRAWN FROM THE LIFE BY WAGEMAN, AND ENGRAVED
                  BY WOLNOTH.


_Explanation of the Emblematic Border to the Portrait of the King,
containing an Epitome of British Sovereignty._

The Genius of Ancient Britain is represented by a Druidical head
encircled by a wreath of oak; the face is partly hidden behind the
blazonry of modern achievement. The head, supported by the Roman eagle
and the Saxon horse, is inclosed in the involutions of the scroll which
proceeds from it, and which next embraces the devouring eagle of
Scandinavia, and the warlike lion of Normandy. Following these are
emblems of the contests of the houses of York and Lancaster, surrounded
by the rival roses. The Scriptures opened are appropriate to the Tudor
family; and their national emblem, the thistle, is considered most
emblematical of the Stuart race. A lion, with the cap of liberty,
denotes the benefits England has derived from their successors, the
Prince of Orange; and the unicorn chained to the scroll is indicative of
Hanover attached to the sovereignty of Great Britain. The imperial crown
of Charlemagne, which surmounts Brunswick, is nearly obscured and lost
behind the crown and sceptre of a British sovereign, George the Fourth,

    WHOM GOD PRESERVE.




[Illustration]




           PROLEGOMENA ON PUNNING.

           RESPECTFULLY ADDRESSED

           TO PUNSTERS IN GENERAL.


             LITERARY FIREWORKS.

     What are Puns, and Jests, and Quirks?
     But Literary _Fireworks_.

     Here are _squibs_ for dull November;
    _Crackers_, too, for gay December;
    _Rockets_, charged with wit and fun;
    _Wild-fires_ made to touch and run;
    _Blue-lights_ from the Em'rald Isle;
    _British-balls_, to chase the bile;
    _Roman fires_, and _jeux d'esprits_;
     From Vatican, and Thuilleries;
     And here's Blackmantle--punning elf--
     To personate Guy Vaux himself.


It will doubtless be the opinion of many a reader that a Prefatory Essay
on such a subject as _Punning_ can possess little of interest, and
nothing of novelty. I would, however, request any one entertaining this
idea to suspend his judgment till he has given the matter ampler
consideration.

In addressing these preliminary remarks to punsters in general, I think
I have taken effectual means to render them of universal interest. When
a certain author, who had dedicated one of his volumes "_to those who
think_," was charged with want of judgment in catering for such a
limited number of individuals, he justified his discernment by
observing, that, however little numerous the body of _thinking people_
might be, every reader would at least rank himself in that class. Our
question can stand on much broader ground; for we assert, without fear
of contradiction, that of the many judicious persons who, without doubt,
will peruse and patronise these pages, not one will be found who is not
only, _se judice_, a punster, but who has not, probably "many a time and
oft," exhibited among his boon companions whatever portion of talent he
may possess in that line of wit. It has been asked by a well-known
writer, "Did any man of liberal education ever go through his teens
without perpetrating the crime of making verses?" I am contented to wave
the narrow distinction, by which uneducated persons would be excepted,
and, with respect to the nobler and far more generally diffused art of
punning, would inquire, Does any one, whatever be his rank or
attainments, reach his twentieth year, without (we will not speak so
inaccurately as to say, _perpetrating the crime_, but) contributing one
or more puns to the common stock? Certainly not. What the ancients
rather hyperbolically asserted of writing (for the many, who were
uninstructed in the mechanical part of that art, could not by
possibility have exercised it), _Scribimus indocti doctique_, is
literally true as applied to punning: lettered and unlettered, all alike
pun away. From the humble son of Crispin, who, having nothing but one of
his sutorial weapons at hand wherewith to despatch his _cotelette de
bœuf_, remarked that _his all was at stake_, to the gifted Sheridan,
who discovered that Doctors' Commons was the greatest thoroughfare in
England, in virtue of the old adage, "where there is a WILL there is a
WAY," each man sports his _calembourg_.

Still, as it frequently happens that what is most generally practised,
is far from being best understood, so is it with punning. It has been
too much the case to treat it with levity and inconsiderateness; to
regard it as mere trifling; to view it at best as a feeble missile from
the armoury of wit, only adapted for the "puny (query _punny_?)
whipster," and which those who are qualified to wield more valuable
weapons would scarcely deign to employ. I trust that, in the course of
these introductory observations, I shall effectually dispel all such
erroneous prejudices, and shall satisfactorily assert the true dignity
of the art, so that my readers may join with me in exclaiming,

    "_Punica_ se quantis attollet gloria _rebus_!"

and may perceive, that it is not only venerable from its antiquity, and
supported by the authority of persons of taste and learning, who have
invariably cultivated it, but is likewise highly beneficial to the
bodily health, moral feeling, and intellectual improvement of the
community.

With respect to its antiquity, we find it treated of by the most eminent
writers upon rhetoric among the ancients, who not only class it among
the beauties of language, but have stamped it with the dignity of a
distinct figure of speech, assigning to it an appropriate name. I make
no observations upon the injudicious attempts of some modern
commentators to ally it to the _paranomasia_, it being evidently the
_antanaclasis_ of the rhetoricians. The great Aristotle (Rhet. ch. 11.)
enumerates two or three different species of παραγραμματα, the
name he gives to puns, in his remarks upon this figure, and cites
examples of each kind, with expressions of commendation, from some of
the most celebrated Greek authors. In Cicero's treatise on Oratory, a
variety of instances of the _antanaclasis_ are quoted, and highly
praised by him for their wit. His own puns, with which his works abound,
are more distinguished for their number than their excellence: humour
does not appear to have been his forte, but his frequent attempts at
punning sufficiently evince the high estimation in which it was held by
himself and his contemporaries. The ancient poets, strange as it may
appear, were not, in general, adepts in this art, if we except
Aristophanes among the Greeks, and Ovid and Martial among the Latins.
From the two last mentioned writers (the former of whom indeed would
readily furnish a cento of puns) I beg leave to select two examples. The
one is where Ovid makes Leander say, "Posito _cum veste timore_;" the
other is the well-known epigram by Martial on the emperor Nero:

     "_Quis negat Æneæ natum de stirpe Neronem?_
    Sustulit _hic matrem_, Sustulit ille patrem."

I adduce these examples, because Addison, after erroneously defining a
pun to be merely "a conceit arising from the use of two words that
agree in the sound, but differ in the sense," goes on to inform us that
if translated into a different language, it will vanish in the
experiment; in fact he would represent it as _vox et præterea nihil_, a
sound, and nothing but a sound. Unquestionably there are a multitude of
puns that might answer this description, but it is far from being
applicable to all. In the two instances I have just brought forward, the
words _posito_ and _sustulit_ can be exactly translated into English,
and both the sense and the pun retained. The truth is, that Addison,
like many more who have thought proper to be very severe on the talents
of the punning fraternity, was evidently not very accurately acquainted
with the nature of what he was attacking.

If the plea of antiquity can thus be justly advanced in favour of
punning, the continued adherence of all nations in all periods to the
practice, may likewise with reason be urged in its support. Nor are its
ramifications of slight importance. It may be considered as the origin
of technical terms, most of which, if properly analysed, will prove to
be virtual puns or conundrums; as the parent of _double entendre_ of
every description; and even as containing the germs of that _slang_
formerly confined to the lower walks of life, but, in our more
enlightened days, emulously studied even among the Corinthian pillars of
polished society.

The number of final letters, which among the French are mere ciphers in
pronunciation, has always given them a decided advantage in puns of mere
words over every other nation. Their writings and conversation are alike
replete with them; but they are almost invariably of that kind alluded
to by Addison, which are lost if clothed in any but their native dress.
Indeed this is almost a necessary consequence of the very circumstance
already alluded to, which ensures them such superior facility in the
production of puns. A brace of these I shall present my readers with,
both as exhibiting a strong confirmation of what I have above said, and
as being of modern date, and, in my opinion, of sterling excellence. The
first of these is the reply made by a Parisian wit, to a person who
asked him what was the true distinction between a flea and a louse. He
answered that they were only disciples of different philosophers: the
lice being followers of Epictetus (_des pique-têles_), and the fleas of
Epicurus (_des piqueurs_). The other is an epigram, much talked off at
the time of its appearance in the French metropolis, written by some
wag, under a picture of Louis XVIII. painted by _Le Gros_, and placed
in one of the public exhibitions. The striking resemblance of the head
and neck of that monarch to those of a rabbit is well known; and of this
circumstance the malicious epigrammatist thus happily avails himself in
the pasquinade referred to:

    Le Gros l'a peint! (_le gros lapin!_)
    Le Gros l'a peint!
    Notre bon souverain.
    De la peinture admirez la magie:
    Tout le monde à la fois s'écrie,
    Le Gros l'a peint!
    Le Gros l'a peint!

As I have assumed the privilege in these remarks of being as desultory
and digressive as I please, I shall here notice what I term _macaroni
punning_, effected by a fictitious _mélange_ of different languages.
Sometimes this will arise from the inspection of a single word. Who, for
instance, can forbear smiling at the curious orthoepical coincidence by
which an accommodating fair one is in Latin designated _meretrix_? This,
however, is the simplest effort of the _macaroni_ class, and far from
implying that ingenuity visible in higher flights of the same kind,
which are frequently conspicuous for their wit and pithiness. Lord
Erskine's inscription on his tea chest, _Tu doces_, is of great merit in
its way. Lord Norbury, I believe, has the reputation of having observed,
upon seeing some young fellow vain of his personal attractions almost in
tears at contemplating the manner in which the nocturnal attacks of a
band of _jumpers_ had disfigured his face, "_Fle-bit_, he will weep."
His countryman Curran's reply to his rival counsel Egan, will not easily
be forgotten. The latter, coming out of court, and observing on Curran's
coat a certain _disgrace to the poll_, addressed him in the words of
Virgil:

    "Dic mihi, Damœta, cujum pecus? an Melibœi?"

Curran immediately replied by completing the passage:

    "Non, verum Ægonis: nuper mihi tradidit Ægon."

Probably, however, Swift's impromptu quotation on seeing a Cremona
violin swept off a table by a lady's mantua:

    "_Mantua_, væ! miseræ nimium vicina _Cremonæ_,"

will always stand at the head of puns of this class.

I own that I am particularly delighted with a good _macaroni_ pun. It
necessarily implies, not only superior wit, but a considerable fund of
learning, on the part of the punster. And what is still better, it shows
that this learning is free from the rust of pedantry, tending to enliven
those around him, and not to create in him a repulsive conceit, and a
haughty estrangement from society. His candle is not hidden under a
bushel, but freely and cheerfully dispenses its light: His treasure is
not kept in the form of useless hoarded bullion, but is converted into a
valuable circulating medium, the coin being liberally and extensively
distributed by its owner.

The inmates of universities have usually been remarked for their
attachment to punning. The men of Cambridge, in particular, have ever,
from their foundation, been distinguished by their excellence as
paragrammatists. It surely not a little exalts this noble art, that
those who have enjoyed peculiar opportunities of justly appreciating
every thing connected both with abstruse and polite literature, should
have sedulously cultivated it. And I think I may be allowed to say, in
contradiction to the reiterated attempts of prejudice and stupidity to
undervalue it, that I never met with a person incapable of some degree
of excellence in punning, who was remarkable for any species of wit
above the practical jokes of a merry-andrew.

But it is not only on its high antiquity, its extensive diffusion, or
the distinguished authorities that can be adduced in support of it, that
the claims of punning are founded. The philosopher who defined man to be
το ζωον γελων, certainly selected the only characteristic
besides that of speech, which particularly and exclusively distinguishes
man from the brute creation.

    "'Twas said of old, deny it now who can,
      The only laughing animal is man.
      The bear may leap, its lumpish cubs in view,
      Or sportive cat her circling tail pursue;
      The grin deep-lengthen pug's half-human face,
      Or prick'd up ear confess the simp'ring ass:
      In awkward gestures awkward mirth be shown,
      Yet, spite of gesture, man still laughs alone."

Now to the exercise of this high and distinguished prerogative of our
nature, what is a more certain stimulant than a pun? If it be good, you
laugh at the pun; if bad, at the punster; and in either case, he is
almost certain to laugh himself. Moreover, the punster is one of all
others, "_quem jocus risusque circumvolat_;" not only witty himself, but
the cause of wit in others; for it is rarely, indeed, in the social
circle, that one pun is not the signal for a series of others. The cards
are generally played after the first is led, till the suit is fairly
out.

But laughter is not only one of the principal faculties which
distinguish man from inferior animals; it likewise contributes greatly
to the promotion and preservation of health. "Laugh and grow fat," is a
very old and a very wise adage.

And observe, the fat which thus increaseth the ribs is wholesome, good,
firm fat, bearing no resemblance whatever to the adipose envelope of the
bloated and corpulent. Those who are clothed with laughter-begotten fat
are, moreover, in general, of humour frank and free, cordial, cheerful,
and enterprising; as dissimilar to the indolent, arthritic, or the
selfish gourmand, as to the cadaverous, saturnine, acetous beings who
stalk about like so many skeletons, galvanised into temporary motion,
and presenting a _memento mori_ to all they meet. And if such be the
genial, the beneficial, effects of laughter, can we laud too highly the
practice of punning, that most apt and prompt instrument of promoting
it?

In another point of view, too, this art doth not a little contribute to
the advancement and improvement of moral feeling. How often have the
asperities incident to conversation been instantly softened down by the
means of a well-timed pun? How many a rising storm of colloquial debate
and controversial wrath has been dispelled by the same salutary agency,
when wisdom would have failed to convince, or mediation to conciliate?
The able punster has perhaps more frequent opportunities than any other
character, of securing the blessing pronounced upon the peace-maker.

The pious Dr. Watts, in his Introduction to Logic, has commented on the
moral as well as literary evils arising from the number of equivocal and
the comparative paucity of univocal words. Now the knowledge of a
disease being half its cure, who is so likely to be exempt from the
evils arising from the above-mentioned sources as the punster? Every
fresh touch of his art may be considered as a discovery of some more of
these dangerous equivocals, and indeed his whole life may be regarded as
a philanthropic voyage in quest of them, combining the double advantage
of exciting mirth by their timely production, and affording a salutary
warning to the hearer against the employment of such Proteus terms in
grave and serious discussion. Thus again we see the paragrammatist
enabled to contribute in a high degree to the social enjoyment, literary
improvement, and moral amelioration of his fellow creatures.

If wit consists principally, as the first of modern philosophers has
affirmed, in the unexpected association of ideas apparently far removed
in their nature from each other, punning must, in its very essence,
claim to rank in the highest class of wit. And how must the frequent
exercise of searching for such associations, and bringing them however
recondite to light, sharpen the intellect of the individual engaged in
it! We have already adverted to the general practice of this art among
the members of our universities; we may likewise observe that the
learned body of the law, a body distinguished perhaps beyond any other
for their superior shrewdness, and extent of general information, are
universally partial to it. The barrister who pleads, and the judge who
directs, are alike ambitious to display their excellence in this highly
prized art; and justice herself, though for the sake of her character
she must needs be blind, is rarely found deaf to the sallies of the
punster.

_Ohe! jam satis est._ Sufficient, we are persuaded, has been said to
satisfy all persons of the value and excellence of punning, except
indeed the obstinately incredulous; and such, as a just punishment, we
would excommunicate for ever from the enjoyment of puns, and the society
of punsters. Can we pronounce a severer doom?

But as the best of things are the most liable to abuses, so has the
cause of punning suffered much from the want of judgment evinced by many
of its votaries. Anxious, as far as possible, to contribute to
maintaining this noble art in the possession of its well-merited
reputation, we venture a few words of caution to some of its professors
on the errors too frequently committed by them.

Imprimis, a pun, like an epigram, is worth little indeed if the point
can be anticipated. Hence proper names, though they have in some few
instances been successfully worked upon, are in general bad materials
for the punster. The attempt to pun upon Black, White, Green, Brown,
Scott, England, and _id genus omne_, if productive of any laughter, is
of that only which is excited by the imbecility and empty pretensions of
him who makes it. In justice to our contemporary John Bull, we must
observe that on this very dangerous ground, he is almost the only person
who has had the singular felicity of uniformly appearing with success.

For the same reason that we object to proper names, we need scarcely
observe that all trite puns are detestable. There are a number of words,
such as _heart_, _love_, _soul_, _last_, _grave_, and a host of others,
that have been fairly worn thread-bare in the service. Let him whose wit
is not competent to discover some other sources than these hackneyed
ones, be a listener, but by no means a speaker in a circle of punsters.
_Decies repetita placebit_, however just it may be as the criterion of
merit in a poem, will never do for a pun, one of whose chief
excellencies is novelty,--nay, which often, however rich at the moment
of its utterance, will not successfully admit of repetition, even to
those who have never before heard it, at another time and under
different circumstances.

A pun can rarely be considered very good, which involves a difference of
orthography. It appears like a descent from its true dignity to the
level of a common conundrum.

Lastly, let every punster bear in mind, that punning is only the sauce
of conversation, and that he who thinks to entertain by introducing it
continually into his discourse, resembles a man who should present me
with a dish of Cayenne pepper alone by way of a meal. It may likewise be
observed, that what is usually called an inveterate, is never a good
punster. The constant desire of display, by accustoming himself to be
contented with mediocrity, or something below it, almost disqualifies
him from uttering any thing above it. We may say with justice, "a pun
spoken in good season, how good is it!" Time, and place, and persons
too, must be regarded. The punster, while he enlivens conversation, is
one of the greatest acquisitions to a company; when he only interrupts
it, he is one of its greatest nuisances. Much more could we add
concerning both the theory and practice of this art, but we would not
willingly become tedious. Gentle reader, whosoever thou art, receive in
good part what we have here written; imbue thyself with such a love of
punning, and such a sense of its dignity, that thy efforts may exalt and
not degrade it: so shalt thou merit the good wish which, with a sincere
heart, we now bestow upon thee: Mayest thou become one of the warmest
admirers of punning, and shine as one of the first of punsters!

[Illustration: Signature: Bernard Blackmantle]




[Illustration]




           THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING:

         FROM PLATO'S SYMPOSIACKS.

           BY DR. SHERIDAN.


    Once on a time in merry mood,
    Jove made a Pun of flesh and blood:
    A double two-faced living creature,
    Androgynos, of two-fold nature,
    For back to back with single skin
    He bound the male and female in;
    So much alike, so near the same,
    They stuck as closely as their name.
    Whatever words the male exprest,
    The female turn'd them to a jest;
    Whatever words the female spoke,
    The male converted to a joke:
    So, in this form of man and wife
    They led a merry punning life.
      The gods from heaven descend to earth,
    Drawn down by their alluring mirth;
    So well they seem'd to like the sport,
    Jove could not get them back to court.
    Th' infernal gods ascend as well,
    Drawn up by magic puns from hell.
    Judges and furies quit their post,
    And not a soul to mind a ghost.
    'Heyday!' says Jove: says Pluto too,
    'I think the Devil's here to do;
    Here's hell broke loose, and heaven's quite empty;
    We scarce have left one god in twenty.
    Pray what has set them all a-running?--
    'Dear brother, nothing else but punning.
    Behold that double creature yonder
    Delights them with a double _entendre_.'
      'Odds-fish,' says Pluto, 'where's your thunder?
    Let's drive, and split this thing asunder!'
    'That's right,' quoth Jove; with that he threw
    A bolt, and split it into two;
    And when the thing was split in twain,
    Why then it punn'd as much again.
      ''Tis thus the diamonds we refine,
    The more we cut, the more they shine;
    And ever since your men of wit,
    Until they're cut, can't pun a bit.
    So take a starling when 'tis young,
    And down the middle slit the tongue,
    With groat or sixpence, 'tis no matter,
    You'll find the bird will doubly chatter.
      'Upon the whole, dear Pluto, you know,
    'Tis well I did not slit my Juno!
    For, had I done't, whene'er she'd scold me,
    She'd make the heavens too hot to hold me.'
      The gods, upon this application,
      Return'd each to his habitation,
      Extremely pleas'd with this new joke;
      The best, they swore, he ever spoke.

[Illustration]




     ARS PUN-ICA, SIVE FLOS LINGUARUM;

                  THE

            ART OF PUNNING,

                  OR,

        THE FLOWER OF LANGUAGES:

       _IN SEVENTY-NINE RULES_:

FOR THE FURTHER IMPROVEMENT OF CONVERSATION,
           AND HELP OF MEMORY.

                BY THE

  _LABOUR AND INDUSTRY OF TOM PUN-SIBI._


     "Ex ambiguâ dictâ vel argutissima putantur; sed non semper in
     joco, sæpe etiam in gravitate versantur. Ingeniosi enim
     videtur, vim verbi in aliud atque cæteri accipiant, posse
     ducere."

    _Cicero, de Oratore, Lib. ii. § 61, 2._




                 TO

        THE RIGHT HONOURABLE

        SIR JOHN SCRUB, BART.

          AND WINE-MERCHANT,

THIS DEDICATION IS HUMBLY PRESENTED BY THE
              AUTHOR.


Your honour's character is too well known in the world to stand in need
of a dedication; but I can tell you, that my fortune is not so well
settled but I stand in need of a patron. And therefore, since I am to
write a dedication, I must, for decency, proceed in the usual method.

First, I then proclaim to the world your high and illustrious birth:
that you are, by the father's side, descended from the most ancient and
celebrated family of Rome, the Cascas; by the mother's, from Earl Percy.
Some indeed have been so malicious as to say, your grandmother
_kill'd-her-kin_: but, I think if the authors of the report were found
out, they ought to be _hampered_. I will allow that the world exclaims
deservedly against your _mother_, because she is _no friend to the
bottle_; otherwise they would deserve a _firkin_, as having no
_grounds_ for what they say. However, I do not think it can sully your
_fine_ and _bright_ reputation; for the _credit_ you gained at the
battle of _Hogshed_, against the Duke of _Burgundy_, who felt no
_sham-pain_, when you _forced_ him to sink beneath your power, and gave
his whole army a _brush_, may in time turn to your account; for, to my
knowledge, it put his highness upon the _fret_. This indeed was no less
_racking_ to the king his master, who found himself _gross-lee_ mistaken
in catching a _tartar_. For the whole world allowed, that you brought
him a _peg_ lower, by giving him the _parting-blow_, and making all his
_rogues in buckram_ to _run_. Not to mention your great _a-gillity_,
though you are past your _prim-age_; and may you never _lack-age_, with
a _sparkling_ wit, and _brisk_ imagination! May your honour also _wear_
long, beyond the common _scantling_ of human life, and constantly
proceed in your musical diversions of _pipe_ and _sack-but_, hunting
with _tarriers_, &c. and may your good humour in saying, "_I
am-phor-a-bottle_," never be lost to the joy of all them that drink your
_wine_ for nothing, and especially of,

    Your humble servant,

    TOM PUN-SIBI.




          A SPECIMEN;

       _A SPICE I MEAN_.




           PREFACE.


    _Hæe nos, ab imis Pun-icorum annalibus
     Prolata, longo tempore edidimus tibi._      Fest.

     I've raked the ashes of the dead, to show
     Puns were in vogue five thousand years ago.


The great and singular advantages of Punning, and the lustre it gives to
conversation, are commonly so little known in the world, that scarce one
man of learning in fifty, to their shame be it spoken, appears to have
the least tincture of it in his discourse. This I can impute to nothing
but that it hath not been reduced to a _science_; and indeed Cicero
seemed long ago to wish for it, as we may gather from his second book de
Oratore[1], where he has this remarkable passage: "Suavis autem est et
vehementer sæpe utilis jocus et facetiæ cum ambiguitate--in quibus tu
longè aliis meâ sententiâ, Cæsar, excellis: quo magìs mihi etiam testis
esse potes, aut nullam esse artem salis, aut, si qua est, eam nos tu
potissimum docebis." "Punning is extremely delightful, and oftentimes
very profitable; in which, as far as I can judge, Cæsar, you excel all
mankind; for which reason you may inform me, whether there be any art of
Punning; or, if there be, I beseech you, above all things, to instruct
me in it." So much was this great man affected with the art, and such a
noble idea did he conceive of it, that he gave Cæsar the preference to
all mankind, only on account of that accomplishment!

[1] Lib. ii. § liv.

Let critics say what they will, I will venture to affirm, that Punning,
of all arts and sciences, is the most extraordinary: for all others are
circumscribed by certain bounds; but this alone is found to have no
limits, because to excel therein requires a more extensive knowledge of
all things. A Punner must be a man of the greatest natural abilities,
and of the best accomplishments: his wit must be poignant and fruitful,
his understanding clear and distinct, his imagination delicate and
cheerful; he must have an extraordinary elevation of soul, far above all
mean and low conceptions; and these must be sustained with a vivacity
fit to express his ideas, with that grace and beauty, that strength and
sweetness, which become sentiments so truly noble and sublime.

And now, lest I should be suspected of imposing upon my reader, I must
entreat him to consider how high Plato has carried his sentiments of
this art (and Plato is allowed by all men to have seen farther into
Heaven than any Heathen either before or since). Does not he say
positively, in his Cratylus, "Jocos et Dii amant," the gods themselves
love Punning? which I am apt to believe from Homer's ἂσβεστος γἑλως,
unextinguished laughter; because there is no other motive could cause
such continued merriment among the gods.

As to the antiquity of this art, Buxtorf proves it to be very early
among the Chaldeans; which any one may see at large, who will read what
he says upon the word זדיצ Pun, Vocula est Chaldæis
familiarissima, &c. "It is a word that is most frequently in use among
the Chaldeans," who were first instructed in the methods of punning by
their magi, and gained such reputation, that Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus
sent for six of those learned priests, to propagate their doctrine of
puns in six of his principal cities; which they did with such success,
that his majesty ordered, by public edict, to have a full collection of
all the puns made within his dominions for three years past; and this
collection filled one large apartment of his library, having this
following remarkable inscription over the door:

     ἹκτϚειον ψυχης,

    "The shop of the soul's physic[2]."

[2] Vide Joseph. Bengor. Chronic. in Edit. Georg. Homedidæ. Scriem
Godoliæ Tradit. Hebraic. Corpus Paradoseon Titulo Megill. c. i. § 8.
Chronic. Samarit. Abulphetachi. Megillat. Taanit.

Some authors, but upon what ground it is uncertain, will have Pan, who
in the Æolic dialect is called Pun, to be the author of Puns, because,
they say, Pan being the god of universal nature, and Punning free of all
languages, it is highly probable that it owes its first origin, as well
as name, to this god: others again attribute it to Janus, and for this
reason--Janus had two faces; and of consequence they conjectured every
word he spoke had a double meaning. But, however, I give little credit
to these opinions, which I am apt to believe were broached in the dark
and fabulous ages of the world; for I doubt, before the first Olympiad,
there can be no great dependence upon profane history.

I am much more inclined to give credit to Buxtorf; nor is it improbable
that Pythagoras, who spent twenty-eight years at Egypt in his studies,
brought this art, together with some arcana of philosophy, into Greece;
the reason for which might be, that philosophy and punning were a mutual
assistance to each other: "For," says he, "puns are like so many
torch-lights in the head, that give the soul a very distinct view of
those images, which she before seemed to grope after as if she had been
imprisoned in a dungeon." From whence he looked upon puns to be so
sacred, and had such a regard to them, that he left a precept to his
disciples, forbidding them to eat beans, because they were called in
Greek πυννοι. "Let not," says he, "one grain of the seeds be
lost; but preserve and scatter them over all Greece, that both our
gardens and our fields may flourish with a vegetable, which, on account
of its name, not only brings an honour to our country, but, as it
disperses its effluvia in the air, may also, by a secret impulse,
prepare the soul for punning, which I esteem the first and great
felicity of life."

This art being so very well recommended by so great a man, it was not
long before it spread through all Greece, and at last was looked upon
to be such a necessary accomplishment, that no person was admitted to a
feast who was not first examined, and if he were found ignorant of
punning, he was dismissed with Ἑκἁς ἑϚε, βἑζηλοι, "Hence,
ye profane!"

If any one doubts the truth of what I say, let him consult the
apophthegms of Plutarch, who, after he had passed several encomiums upon
this art, gives some account of persons eminent in it; among which (to
shorten my preface) I choose one of the most illustrious examples, and
will entertain the courteous reader with the following story: "King
Philip had his collar-bone broken in a battle; and his physician
expecting money of him every visit, the king reproved him with a pun,
saying he had the key in his own hands." For the word λἑεις,
in the original, signifies both a key and a collar-bone[3].

[3] Vide Plut. Apophth. p. 177.

We have also several puns recorded in Diogenes Laertius's "Lives of the
Philosophers;" and those made by the wisest and gravest men among them,
even by Diogenes the cynick, who, although pretending to withstand the
irresistible charms of punning, was cursed with the name of an abhorrer
Yet, in spite of all his ill-nature and affectation (for he was a
tub-preacher), he made so excellent a pun, that Scaliger said, "He would
rather have been author of it, than king of Navarre." The story is as
follows: Didymus (not Didymus the commentator upon Homer, but a famous
rake among the ladies at Athens) having taken in hand to cure a virgin's
eye that was sore, had this caution given him by Diogenes, "Take care
you do not corrupt your pupil." The word κὁρα signifies both
the pupil of the eye and a virgin[4].

[4] See Laërtius.

It would be endless to produce all the authorities that might be
gathered, from Diodorus Siculus, Herodotus, Proconosius, Bergæus,
Dionysius Halicarnassensis, Lycophron, Pindar, Apollonius, Menander,
Aristophanes, Corinthus Cous, Nonnus, Demosthenes, Euripides,
Thucydides, Plato, Aristotle, &c.; from every one of which I should have
produced some quotations, were it not that we are so unfortunate in this
kingdom not to have Greek types sufficient for such an undertaking[5]:
for want of which, I have been put to the necessity, in the word
κὁρα, of writing an _alpha_ for an _éta_.

[5] Though it is no uncommon thing for a country printer to be without
Greek types, this could scarcely be a serious complaint at Dublin in
1719.

However, I believe it will not be amiss to bring some few testimonies,
to show in what great esteem the art of punning was among the most
refined wits at Rome, and that in the most polite ages, as will appear
from the following quotations.

Quinctilian says[6], "Urbanitas est virtus quædam, in breve dictum,
verum sensu duplici, coacta, et apta ad delectandos homines," &c. Thus
translated, "Punning is a virtue, comprised in a short expression, with
a double meaning, and fitted to delight the ladies."

[6] Institut. Orator. lib. vi. p. 265.

Lucretius also,

    Quò magìs æternum da dictis, Diva, leporem.

    "Goddess, eternal puns on me bestow."

And elsewhere,

    Omnia enim lepidi magìs admirantur, amántque
    Germanis quæ sub verbis latitantia cernunt:
    Verbaque constituunt simili fucata sonore,
    Nec simili sensu, sed quæ mentita placerent.

    "All men of mirth and sense admire and love
    Those words which like twin-brothers doubtful prove;
    When the same sounds a different sense disguise,
    In being deceived the greatest pleasure lies."

Thus Claudian:

    Vocibus alternant sensus, fraudisque jocosæ,
    Vim duplicem rident, lacrymosaque gaudia miscent.

    "From word to word th' ambiguous sense is play'd;
    Laughing succeeds, and joyful tears are shed."

And Martial:

    Sit mihi, Cinna, comes, salibus dictisque facetus,
    Qui sapit ambiguos fundere ab ore sonos.

    "Cinna, give me the man, when all is done,
    That wisely knows to crack a jest and pun."

Petronius likewise will tell you,

    Dicta, sales, risus, urbana crepundia vocum,
    Ingenii facilis quæ documenta dabunt.

    "Jokes, repartees, and laugh, and pun polite,
    Are the true test to prove a man is right."

And Lucan:

    Illi est imperium risus, qui fraude leporis
    Ambigua fallens, humeros quatit usque solutis
    Nexibus, ac tremuli trepidant curvamina dorsi,
    Et jecur, et cordis fibras, et pandit anhelas
    Pulmonis latebras--

    "He's king of mirth, that slightly cheats our sense
    With pun ambiguous, pleasing in suspense;
    The shoulders lax become, the bending back
    Upheaved with laughter, makes our ribs to crack;
    E'en to the liver he can joys impart,
    And play upon the fibres of the heart;
    Open the chambers of _longues_[7], and there
    Give longer life in laughing, than in air."

[7] Potius _lungs_, as a Dutch commentator would observe.

But to come nearer home, and our own times; we know that France, in the
late reign, was the seat of learning and policy; and what made it so,
but the great encouragement the king gave punners above any other men:
for it is too notorious, to quote any author for it, that Lewis le Grand
gave a hundred pistoles for one single pun-motto, made upon an abbot,
who died in a field, having a lily growing out of his a--:

    "Habe mortem præ oculis.
     Abbé mort en prez au culiz."

Nor was his bounty less to Monsieur de Ferry de Lageltre the painter
(though the pun and the picture turned against himself), who drew his
majesty shooting, and at some distance from him another man aiming at
the same fowl, who was withheld by a third person, pointing at the king,
with these words from his mouth,

    "Ne voyez vous le Roy tirant?"

Having now, from the best authorities, plainly proved the antiquity and
excellence of the art of punning, nothing remains but to give some
general directions as to the manner how this science is to be taught.

     1. Let the husband teach his wife to read it.

     2. Let her be appointed to teach her children.

     3. Let the head servant of the family instruct all the rest,
     and that every morning before the master and mistress are up.

     4. The masters and misses are to repeat a rule every day, with
     the examples; and every visiting-day be brought up, to show the
     company what fine memories they have.

     5. They must go ten times through the book, before they be
     allowed to aim at a pun.

     6. They must every day of their lives repeat six synonymous
     words, or words like in sound, before they be allowed to sit
     down to dinner,--such as

    Assent, Ascent.
    A Lass, Alas.
    Bark,   Barque.

    Alter, Altar.
    A Peer, Appear.
    Barbery, Barberrie.

     They are all to be found in metre, most laboriously compiled by
     the learned author of "The English School-master," printed anno
     1641, London edit. p. 52.


     7. If any eldest son has not a capacity to attain to this
     science, let him be disinherited as _non-compos_, and the
     estate given to the next hopeful child.

        ----Si quid novisti rectius istis,
    Candidus imperti: si non, his utere mecum[8].

    "If any man can better rules impart,
     I'll give him leave to do't with all my heart!"

[8] Hor. Ep. I. i. 67.




               A

    PARAGRAPH OF THE FIRST PREFACE
          THAT WAS OMITTED,

WHICH THE READER (ACCORDING TO HIS JUDGMENT OR
   DISCRETION) MAY INSERT WHERE HE PLEASES.


There is a remarkable passage in Petronius Arbiter, which plainly
proves, by a royal example, that punning was a necessary ingredient to
make an entertainment agreeable. The words are these: "Ingerebat
nihilominus Trimalchio lentissima voce, Carpe. Ego, suspicatus ad
aliquam urbanitatem toties iteratam vocem pertinere, non erubui eum qui
supra me accumbebat hoc ipsum interrogare. At ille qui sæpius ejusmodi
ludos spectaverat, Vides, inquit, illum qui obsonium carpit, Carpus
vocatur. Itaque quotiescunque dicit Carpe, eodem verbo et vocat et
imperat." And it is further remarkable, that every day of his life he
made the same pun at dinner and supper.

[Illustration]




    A SECOND PREFACE.


Lest my modesty should be called in question, for venturing to appear in
print, in an age so famous for politeness and ingenuity, I think I am
bound to say this in my own defence, that these few sheets were not
designed to be made public, as being written for my own private use: but
what will not the importunity of friends conquer? they were no sooner
discovered in my study, but my merry friend George Rochfort, my learned
acquaintance Patrick Delany, and my much honoured patron Jonathan Swift,
all unanimously agreed, that I should do my own reputation and the world
that justice, as to send "such a treasure of knowledge" (as they were
pleased to express themselves) to the press. As for the work itself, I
may venture to say, it is a work of time and experience, and entirely
unattempted before. For which reason, I hope the candid reader will be
favourable in his judgment upon it, and consider that all sciences in
their infancy have been weak and feeble. The next age may supply where I
have been defective; and the next perhaps may produce a Sir Isaac in
punning. We know that logicians first spun out reason in categories,
predicaments, and enunciations; and at last they came to wind up their
bottoms in syllogisms, which is the completing of that science.

The Chaldeans began the mathematics, in which the Egyptians flourished.
Then these, crossing the sea by the means of Thales the Milesian, came
into Greece, where they were improved very much by Pythagoras,
Anaxagoras, and Œnopides of Chios. These were followed by Briso,
Antipho, Hippocrates, &c. But the excellence of the algebraic art was
begun by Geber, an Arabian astronomer (whence as is conceived the word
_algebra_ took its rise), and was much since improved by Cardanus,
Tartaglia, Clavius, Stevinus, Ghetaldus, Herigenius, Fran. Van Schooten,
Florida de Beaune, &c.

But to return to the Art of Punning again; the progress and improvement
of which, I hope, will be equal to the sciences I have mentioned; or to
any superior to them, if there be such: reader, I must trespass a little
longer on your patience, and tell you an old maxim, _Bonum quo
communius, eo melius_, "Good, the more common, the better it is." You
see, I have in imitation of the industrious bee gathered my honey from
various flowers; but yet I cannot say, without some diminution and loss
to the persons from whom I have taken the examples to my rules, who are
likely never to use their puns again.

And here to avoid the imputation of ingratitude, I must declare to the
world, that my worthy friend Dr. R----, who is singularly remarkable for
his unparalleled skill in punning, and a most industrious promoter of
it, has been a very great instrument in bringing this work to light, as
well by animating me to proceed in it, as by endeavouring to procure a
good letter for the impression.

The favourable acceptance that my puns have met with in some private
companies, makes me flatter myself, that my labours therein will be
candidly accepted, as they have been cordially intended to serve my
native country.

     TOM PUN-SIBI.

    _From my Study, up one Pair of
       Stairs, ill-contrived Streetwards,
       August 9th, 1719._




          THE
    ART OF PUNNING.


"Punnata dicuntur, id ipsum, quod sunt, aliorum esse dicuntur, aut alio
quovis modo ad aliud referuntur."

Puns, in their very nature and constitution, have a relation to
something else; or, if they have not, any other reason why will serve as
well.


_The Physical Definition of Punning, according to Cardan._

Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in
at the ears, and falling upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion
in those parts; and this being conveyed by the animal spirits into the
muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart.


_The Moral Definition of Punning._

Punning is a virtue that most effectually promotes the end of good
fellowship, which is laughing.

N.B. I design to make the most celebrated punners in these kingdoms
examples to the following rules.

Rule 1. The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it; that
is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination,
whatever men may think of his judgment; like Dr. Swift[9], who said,
when a lady threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua,

    "Mantua væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ!"

[9] In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is ascribed
to Dr. Delany.

Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. Dennis never made a pun
after his head was cut off. Vid. Popish Legend, tom. lxxviii. p. 15,000.

R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have good assurance, like my Lord
B----, who puns in all companies.

R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better assurance, like Brigadier
C----, who said, 'That, as he was passing through a street, he made to a
country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder,
and, giving it a shake, asked him whether it was his own _hair_, or a
perriwig?' whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest.

R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best assurance, like Dr.
D----, who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had
the impudence to challenge me a fourth time.

R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's puns about half an hour
after he has made them; as Dr. E---- and Mr. F---- frequently do.

I remember one day I was in company with them, and upon Major G----
saying, 'That he would leave me the gout for a legacy,' I made answer,
and told the company,' I should be sorry to have such a _leg as he_.'
They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the
pun as I had.

R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns made upon the word pun are to
be esteemed as so much old gold. _Ex. gr._ suppose two famous punsters
should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, 'That
is a _Carthaginian_ war:'

Q. How, sir?

A. Why, sir, it is a _Pun-ick_ war.

R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and
answer.

Q. Who was the first drawer?

A. _Potiphar._

Q. Which is the seat of the spleen?

A. The _hips_.

Q. Who were the first bakers?

A. The _Crustumenians_. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley).

Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?

A. _Middle-sex._

Q. What part of England has the most _dogs_?

A. _Bark-shire._

Q. From whence come the first _tumblers_?

A. From _Somerset_.

Q. Who were the first _mortgagers of land_?

A. The people of _Cumber-land_.

Q. What men in the world are the best _soldiers_?

A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry their _fire-locks_
upon their shoulders.

Q. Why should a man in debt be called _a diver_?

A. Because he has _dipped_ over head and ears.

Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting?

A. Because they come with a _hoop_ and a _hollow_.

Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin?

A. Because they are _in-sects_.

Q. Where were the first _breeches_ made?

A. At _Thy-atira_.

Q. Who were the first _gold-finders_?

A. The _Turditani_.

Q. What part of the world is best to _feed dogs_ in?

A. _Lap-land._

Q. What prince in the world should have a _boar_ for his arms?

A. The duke of _Tusk-any_.

Q. Where do the best _corn-cutters_ live?

A. At _Leg-horn_.

Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers?

A. Because their heels are given to _running_.

Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base
violins and fiddles?

A. Because they are strung with _cat-gut_.

Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a Tory, or _vice versa_,
why should his gown be stripped off?

A. Because he is guilty of _sham-party_.

Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of the _English_
tongue?

A. According to _Buck_-anan, a great number; viz. _cat-egorical_,
_dog-matical_, _crow-nological_, _flea-botomy_, _fish-ognomy_,
_squirril-ity_, _rat-ification_, _mouse-olæum_, _pus-illanimity_,
_hare-editary_, _ass-tronomy_, _jay-ography_, _stag-yrite_,
_duck-tility_.

Q. Where were the first _hams_ made?

A. They were made in the temple of _Jupiter Hammon_, by the
_Hamadryades_; one of them (if we may depend upon _Baker's_ Chronicle)
was sent as a present to a gentleman in _Ham-shire_, of the family of
the _Ham-iltons_, who immediately sent it to _Ham-ton-court_, where it
was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have
the English phrase _ham-strung_.

      Thus did great Socrates improve the mind,
    By questions useful since to all mankind;
    For, when the purblind soul no farther saw,
    Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law,
    His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight,
    And so he taught his pupils with _day-light_.

R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a
discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to
interrupt them with a pun. _Ex. gr._ suppose them poring over a problem
in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them 'How go _squares_
with them?' You may say too, 'That, being too intent upon those
figures, they are become _cycloeid_, i. e. _sickly-eyed_; for which they
are a pack of _loga-rithms_, i. e. _loggerheads_.' Vide R. 34.

R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his
own pun; as _Martial_ advises:

    "_Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore,
     Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum._"

    "He that would move another man to laughter,
     Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after."

R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns,
to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance:
Sir W---- sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's scholars, and desired
my advice as to the management of them:

Miss-Chief, the ringleader.

Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint.

Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid.

Miss-Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler.

Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet.

Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.

Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle.

Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping.

Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the dirt.

Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and milk where the cat got
at it.

Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of
darning.

For which I sent the following masters:

Master-Stroke, to whip them.

Master-Workman, to dress them.

Master-Ship, to rig them.

Master-Lye, to excuse them.

Master-Wort, to purge them.

Master-Piece, to patch them.

Master-Key, to lock them up.

Master-Pock, to mortify them.

    If these can't keep your ladies quiet,
    Pull down their courage with low diet.
    Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruel
    To feed them on plain water-gruel;
    But take my word, the best of breeding!
    As it is plain, requires plain feeding.

         _Vide Roscommon._

R. 11. The Rule of Repetition: You must never let a pun be lost, but
repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and
understands it; _ex. gr._ Sir, I have good wine to give you; excellent
_pontack_, which I got _'pon tick_; but, sir, we must have a little
_pun-talk_ over it; you take me, sir, and you, and you too,
madam.--There is _pun-talk_ upon _pontack_, and _'pon tick_ too, hey.

R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your _elements_, whether you have
_fish_, _fowl_, or _flesh_, for dinner: As for instance, Is not this
_fish_ which Mr. _Pool_ sent me, _ex-stream_ sweet? I think it is _main_
good, what say you? O' my _sole_, I never tasted better, and I think it
ought to take _plaice_ of any that _swims_: though you may _carp_ at me
for saying so, I can assure you that both Dr. _Spratt_ and Dr. _Whaley_
are of my mind.--This is an excellent _fowl_, and a fit dish for
_high-flyers_. Pray, sir, what is your _o-pinion_ of this _wing_? As for
the _leg_, the cook ought to be _clapper-clawed_ for not roasting it
enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of
Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You
mistake the matter. Pray is it not a _grape-lover_; i. e. _grey plover_?
Are you for any of this mutton, Sir? If not, I can tell you, that you
ought to be _lamb-asted_; for you must know that I have the best in the
country. My _sheep_ bear away the _bell_, and I can assure you that, all
_weathers_, I can treat my friends with as good _mutton_ as this: he
that cannot make a meal of it, ought to have it _ram-med_ down his
throat.

R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this you may recall a discourse
that has been past two hours, and introduce it thus: 'Sir, as you were
saying two hours ago--you bought those stockings in Wales; I believe it,
for they seem to be _well-chose_, i. e. _Welsh-hose_.'--'Sir, you were
saying, if I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers have the
speediest justice. I agree with you in that; for they are never without
_red-dress_.'

R. 14. The Rule of Transition; which will serve to introduce any thing
that has the most remote relation to the subject you are upon; _ex. gr._
If a man puns upon a _stable_, you may pun upon a _cornfield_, a
_meadow_, a _horse-park_, a _smith's_ or _sadler's shop_; _ex. gr._ One
says, His horses are gone to _rack_.' Then you answer, 'I would turn out
the rascal that looks after them. _Hay_, sir, don't you think I am
right? I would _strike while the iron is hot_; and _pummel_ the dog to
some purpose.'

R. 15. The Rule of Alienation; which obliges you, when people are
disputing hotly upon a subject, to pitch upon that word which gives the
greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. This has not only
occasioned peace in private companies, but has put a stop to hot
wranglings in parliaments and convocations, which otherwise would not so
soon come to a resolution: for, as Horace says, _Ridiculum acri_, &c.;
and very often it is found so. Sir -------- once, in parliament, brought
in a bill which wanted some amendment; which being denied him by the
house, he frequently repeated, 'That he thirsted to mend his bill.' Upon
which, a worthy member got up, and said, 'Mr. Speaker, I humbly move,
since that member _thirsts_ so very much, that he may be allowed to mend
his _draught_.' This put the house into such a good humour, that his
petition was granted.

R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons pun upon different
subjects, after the same manner. Ay, says one, 'I went to my
_shoe-maker's_ to-day for a pair of _shoes_ which I bespoke a month ago;
and when _all_ came to _all_, the dog _bristles_ up to me with a
thousand excuses, that I thought there would never be an _end_ of his
discourse: but, upon my calling him a rascal, he began to _wax_ warm,
and had the impudence to bid me to _vamp_ off, for he had not leisure
now to talk to me, because he was going to dinner: which vexed me indeed
to the very _sole_. Upon this I jumped out of his shop in a great rage,
and wished the next bit he eat might be his _last_.' Says another, 'I
went to a _tanner's_ that owed me some money; and (would you think it?)
the _pitiful_ fellow was _fleshed_ at it, insomuch that forsooth he
could not _hide_ his resentment, but told me, that it was enough to set
a man _horn_ mad to be _dunned_ so early in a morning: and, as for his
part, he would _curry_ favour no longer with me, let me do my worst.
Thus the unmannerly cur _barked_ at me, &c.'

R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a man's saying which he
never spoke, and making a pun upon it, as, 'Ay, sir, since you say he
was born in _Bark-shire_, I say he is a _son of a bitch_.'

R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of introducing puns which we have
studied before; _ex. gr._ By talking of _Truelock_ the _gun-smith_, his
very name will provoke some person in the company to pun. Then you
proceed: 'Sir, _I smell powder_, but you are plaguy weak in your
_mainspring_ for punning; I would advise you to get a better _stock_,
before you pretend to _let off_: though you may think yourself _prime_
in this art, you are much mistaken, for a very young beginner may be a
_match_ for you. Ay, sir, you may _cock_ and look big; but, _u-pan_ my
word, I take you to be no more than a _flash_; and Mrs. Skin-_flint_, my
neighbour, shall pun with you for a _pistole_, if I do not _lose my
aim_, &c.'

R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, when you have conned over
in your mind a chain of puns, you surprise the best punner in company,
after this manner: 'Say _Tan-pit_, if you dare.'

R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear a man out of his pun, and
prove yourself the author of it; as Dr. S--served Capt. W--, who was
told how a _slater_, working at his house, fell through all the rafters
from top to bottom, and that upon this accident he said, 'He loved to
see a man _go cleverly through his work_.' 'That is mine, by----,' said
the Doctor.

R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making a string of puns as fast as
you can, that nobody else can put in a word till you have exhausted the
subject; _ex. gr._ There was one _John Appleby_, a _gardener_, fell in
love with one Mrs. _Curran_, for her _cherrycheeks_ and her _lily_ white
hand; and soon after he got her consent to _graft_ upon her _stock_.
Mr. _Link_ the parson was sent for, who joined the loving _pair_
together; Mr. _Rowintree_ and Mr. _Holy-oak_ were bride-men. The company
were, my lady _Joan Keel_, who _came-a-mile_ on foot to compliment them;
and her maid _Sally_, remarkable for her _carrots_, that rid upon a
_chestnut_. There was Dr. _Burrage_ too, a constant _medlar_ in other
people's affairs. He was lately _im-peach'd_ for murdering Don
_Quick-set_. Mrs. _Lettice Skirret_ and Mrs. _Rose-merry_ were the
bride-maids; the latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an arch
wag called a funeral dirge: but, notwithstanding this, our friend _John_
began to thrive upon matrimony like a _twig in a bush_. I forgot to tell
you, that the tailor had so much _cabbage_ out of the wedding suit,
there was none at all for supper.

R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a person makes an excellent pun,
and you immediately fix another upon it; as Dean Swift one day said to a
gentleman, who had a very little bob wig, 'Sir, the _dam_ of your wig is
a _whisker_;' upon which I came in very _à propos_, and said, 'Sir, that
cannot be, for it is but an _ear-wig_.'

R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to bring a man into a pun, and
leave him to work it out: as, suppose you should hear a man say the word
_incomparable_----Then you proceed, _in-com-incom-par-par-rable-rable_
----So let the other make his best of it.

R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a jumping of wits: that is,
when a man has made a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was just
coming out with it. One night, I remember, Mr. ---- served Dr. ---- so.
The former saying over a bottle, 'Will, I am for my mistress here.' 'How
so?' says Tom. 'Why, I am for _Wine-if-red_.' 'By this _crooked
stick_[10],' said Tom, 'I was coming out with it.'

[10] _Cane-a-wry_, _i. e._ Canary.

R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man hunts a pun through every
letter and syllable of a word: as for example, I am asked, 'What is the
best word to spend an evening with?' I answered, '_Potatos_; for there
is _po--pot--pota--potat--potato_, and the reverse _sot-a-top_.'

R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man having got the thanks
and laugh of a company for a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he
read it in "Cambridge Jests." This is such an inversion of it, that I
think I may be allowed to make examples of these kind of people in
verse:

    Thus puppies, that adore the dark,
    Against bright Cynthia howl and bark;
    Although the regent of the night,
    Like us, is gay with borrow'd light.

R. 57. The Professionary Rule[11] is, to frame a story, and swear you
were present at an event where every man talked in his own calling; _ex.
gr._ Major ---- swears he was present at the seizing of a pick-pocket by
a great rabble in Smithfield; and that he heard

     A Tailor say, 'Send the dog to _hell_.'

     The Cook, 'Let me be at him, I'll _baste_ him.'

     The Joiner, 'It is _plain_ the dog was caught in the fact; I
     _saw_ him.'

     The Blacksmith, 'He is a fine _spark_ indeed!'

     The Butcher, '_Knock down_ the _shambling_ cur.'

     The Glazier, 'Make the _light shine through him_.'

     The Bookseller, '_Bind him_ over.'

     The Sadler, '_Pummel_ him.'

     The Farmer, '_Thrash_ the dog.'

     A Popish Priest going by, 'I'll make the _Devil fly out of
     him_.'

[11] An improvement on this rule was adopted by Dr. Swift, in his "Full
and True Account of Wood's Procession to the Gallows."

R. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is, when a punster stands his ground against
a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter
destruction of all conversation but his own. As for instance--says one,
'I hate a _pun_.'--Then he, 'When a _pun is meant_, is it a
_punishment_?'--'Deuce take your quibbling!'--'Sir, I will not bate you
an _ace_, _cinque_ me if I do; and I'll make you know that I am a _sice_
above you.'--'This fellow cannot talk out of his _element_.'--'To divert
you was _all I meant_.'

R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you suppose things hardly consistent
to be united, for the sake of a pun: as for instance--suppose a person
in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of
his face but the handle of it; why should he make the longest verses in
the world? Ans. _Versos Alexandrinos_, _i. e._ All-eggs-and-dry-nose.

R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that punning is free of all
languages: as for the Latin _Romanos_ you may say 'Roman
nose'--_Temeraria_, 'Tom, where are you?'--_Oxoniæ prospectus_, 'Pox on
you, pray speak to us. For the French _quelque chose_, you may say in
English 'kick shoes.' When one says of a thief, 'I wish he was
transported;' answer, 'he is already _fur_ enough.' Dr. Swift made an
excellent advantage of this rule one night: when a certain peevish
gentleman in his company had lost his _spectacles_, he bid him 'have a
good heart, for, if it continued raining all night, he would find them
in the morning.'--'Pray, how so?'--'Why, sir,

     'Nocte pluit tota, redeunt _spectacula_ manè.'

R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes
uppermost, and some good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in it,
then he is to say, 'You have hit it!' As Major Grimes did: complaining
that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just
beginning to run, he was answered by Mr.--, 'I wonder that you should be
confined who have such running legs.' The Major replied, 'You have hit
it; for I meant _that_.'

R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak well of another punster; _ex.
gr._ 'Who, he! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo;' or
'He does not know the meaning of synonymous words;' or, 'He never rose
so high as a conundrum or a carrywhichit.'

R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to
himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for
your own: as for instance; mustard happened to be mentioned in company
where I was, and a gentleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was
at _Mus--mus, sinapi--sinapi--snap eye--bite nose_;--One in the company,
over-hearing him, _bit_ him, and _snapped_ it up, and said, 'Mustard is
the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by the
_nose_.'

R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another; by
this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word; _ex. gr._

For Church--_Kirk_.

For Bangor--_Clangor_.

For Presbyter--_Has-biter_.

This rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life
by it. The case was thus: A certain man was brought before a judge of
assize for murder: his lordship asked his name, and being answered
_Spillman_, the judge said, 'Take away _Sp_, and his name is _Ill-man_;
put _K_ to it, and it is _Killman_: away with him, gaoler; his very
name has hanged him[12].' This 34th rule, on this occasion, became a
rule of court, and was so well liked, that a justice of peace, who shall
be nameless, applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him upon the
same account, after this manner: 'Come, sir, I conjure you, as I am one
of his majesty's justices of the peace, to tell me your name.'--'My
name, an't please you, is _Watson_.'--'O ho, sir! _Watson_! mighty well!
Take away _Sp_ from it, and it is _Ill-man_, and put _K_ to it, and it
is _Kill-man_: away with him, constable, his very name will hang him.'

[12] A presbyterian preacher of the last age chose to exemplify the
Golden Rule, by dissecting the name of the great enemy of mankind: 'Take
away D, and it is _Evil_, take away the E, and it is _Vile_, take away
the V, and it is _Ill_--_Ill, Vile, Evil, Devil_.'

Let us now consider a new case; as for instance, 'The church of England,
as by law established.' Put a _T_ before it, and it is _Test-ablished_:
take away the _Test_ and put in _o_, and it is _Abolished_.

[Illustration]

How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious author of Parson Alberoni,
obliged to it, in that very natural story which he framed concerning the
preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation called the
minister an _Humbassandor_ for an Ambassador[13].

[13] The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, 'A
modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King Philip, a Minor,
and universal Curate of the whole Spanish Monarchy, &c. by Thomas
Gordon, Esq. 1719,' and is as follows: 'There is, in a certain diocese
in this nation, a living worth about six hundred pounds a-year. This,
and two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in becoming ease
and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, and a journeyman in the
country; his curate and his coach-horses are his equal drudges, saving
that the four-legged cattle are better fed, and have sleeker cassocks,
than his spiritual dray-horse. The doctor goes down once a-year, to
shear his flock and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to receive the
wages of his embassy; and then, sometimes in an afternoon, if his belly
do not happen to be too full, he vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to
instruct his people in the greatness of his character and dullness. This
composes the whole parish to rest; but the doctor one day denouncing
himself _the Lord's Ambassador_ with greater fire and loudness than
could have been reasonably expected from him, it roused a clown of the
congregation, who waked his next neighbour with, 'Dost hear, Tom, dost
hear?'--'Ay,' says Tom, yawning, 'what does he say?'--'Say?' answered
the other, 'he says a plaguy lie, to be sure; he says as how he is my
Lord's _Humbassandor_, but I think he is more rather the Lord's
Receiver-General, for he never comes but to take money.' Six hundred
pounds a-year is, modestly speaking, a competent fee for lulling the
largest congregation in England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such
tithes are the price of napping; and such mighty odds are there between
a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture.' See the collection of Tracts
by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. i. p. 130.

Give me leave, courteous reader, to recommend to your perusal and
practice this most excellent rule, which is of such universal use and
advantage to the learned world, that the most valuable discoveries, both
as to antiquities and etymologies, are made by it; nay, further, I will
venture to say, that all words which are introduced to enrich and make a
language copious, beautiful, and harmonious, arise chiefly from this
rule. Let any man but consult Bentley's Horace, and he will see what
useful discoveries that very learned gentleman has made by the help of
this rule; or, indeed, poor Horace would have lain under the eternal
reproach of making 'a _fox_ eat _oats_,' had not the learned doctor,
with great judgment and penetration, found out _nitedula_ to be a
blunder of the librarians for _vulpecula_; which _nitedula_, the doctor
says, signifies a _grass-mouse_, and this clears up the whole matter,
because it makes the story hang well together: for all the world knows,
that weazles have a most tender regard and affection to grass mice,
whereas they hate foxes as they do fire-brands. In short, all various
lections are to be attributed to this rule: so are all the Greek
dialects; or Homer would have wanted the sonorous beauty of his oio's.
But the greatest and best masters of this rule, without dispute, were
the Dorians, who made nothing of saying _tin_ for _soie_, _tenos_ for
_ekeinos_, _surisdomes_ for _surizomen_, &c. From this too we have our
_quasis_ in Lexicons. Was it not, by rule the 34th, that the Samaritan,
Chaldee, Æthiopic, Syriac, Arabic, and Persian languages were formed
from the original Hebrew? for which I appeal to the Polyglot. And among
our modern languages, are not the Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and
French, derived and formed from the Latin by the same power? How much
poets have been obliged to it, we need no further proof than the figures
_prothesis_, _epenthesis_, _apocope_, _paragoge_, and _ellipsis_.
Trimming and fitting of words to make them more agreeable to our ears,
Dionysius Halicarnassensis has taken notice of, in his book 'De
Compositione Vocum,' where he pleasantly compares your polite reformers
of words to masons with hammers, who break off rugged corners of stones,
that they may become more even and firm in their places.

But after all, give me leave to lament, that I cannot have the honour of
being the sole inventor of this incomparable rule: though I solemnly
protest, upon the word of an author (if an author may have credit),
that I never had the least hint toward it, any more than the ladies'
letters and young children's pronunciation, till a year after I had
proposed this rule to Dr.----, who was an excellent judge of the
advantage it might be to the public; when, to my great surprise,
tumbling over the third tome of Alstedius, p. 71, right loth to believe
my eyes, I met with the following passage: "Ambigua multam faciunt ad
hanc rem, oujusmodi exempla plurima reperiuntur apud Plautum, qui in
ambiguis crebro ludit. Joci captantur ex permutatione syllabarum et
vocum, ut pro _De_cretum, _Dis_cretum; pro _Me_dicus, _Men_dicus et
_Mer_dicus: pro Poly_carpus_, Poly_eopros_. Item ex syllabarum ellipsi,
ut ait Althusisus, cap. iii. civil. convers. pro Casimirus, _J'rus_; pro
Marcus, _Arcus_; pro Vinosus, _Osus_; pro Sacerdotium, _Otium_. Sic,
additione literæ, pro Urbanus, _Turbanus_:" which exactly corresponded
to every branch and circumstance of my rule. Then, indeed, I could not
avoid breaking out into the following exclamations, and that after a
most pathetic manner: "Wretched Tom Pun-Sibi! Wretched indeed! Are all
thy nocturnal lucubrations come to this? Must another, for being a
hundred years before thee in the world, run away with the glory of thy
own invention? It is true, he must. Happy Alstedius! who, I thought,
would have stood me in _all-stead_, upon consulting thy method of
joking! _All's tedious_ to me now, since thou hast robbed me of that
honour which would have set me above all writers of the present age. And
why not, happy Tom Pun-Sibi? did we not jump together like true wits?
But, alas! thou art on the safest side of the bush; my credit being
liable to the suspicion of the world, because you wrote before me.
Ill-natured critics, in spite of all my protestations, will condemn me,
right or wrong, for a plagiary. Henceforward never write any thing of
thy own; but pillage and trespass upon all that ever wrote before thee:
search among dust and moths for things new to the learned. Farewell,
study; from this moment I abandon thee: for, wherever I can get a
paragraph upon any subject whatsoever ready done to my hand, my head
shall have no further trouble than see it fairly transcribed!"--And this
method, I hope, will help me to swell out the Second Part of this work.

    THE END OF THE FIRST PART.




                TOM PUN-SIBI;

                     OR,

             THE GIBER GIB'D[14].

    _Mirandi novitate movebere mostri._--Ovid.

[14] The Art of Punning was originally printed at Dublin in 1719,
immediately reprinted in London, and then pretty generally ascribed to
Dr. Swift. It appears, however, that in this instance the Dean was only
an assistant; the piece having been written by Dr. Sheridan, and
corrected and improved by Dr. Swift, Dr. Delany, and Mr. Rochfort.
Although it does not seem calculated to give offence to any one, it
however called forth the above Satire from the pen of Dr. Tisdal.


    Tom was a little merry grig,
    Fiddled and danced to his own jig;
    Good-natured, but a little silly;
    Irresolute, and shally-shilly:
    What he should do, he cou'dn't guess.
    Swift used him like a man at chess;
    He told him once that he had wit,
    But was in jest, and Tom was bit.
    Thought himself second son of Phœbus,
    For ballad, pun, lampoon, and rebus.
    He took a draught of Helicon,
    But swallowed so much water down,
    He got a dropsy; now they say, 'tis
    Turn'd to poetic diabetes;
    For all the liquor he has pass'd,
    Is without spirit, salt, or taste:
    But, since it pass'd, Tom thought it wit,
    And so he writ, and writ, and writ:
    He writ the famous Punning Art,
    The Benefit of p--s and f--t;
    He writ the Wonder of all Wonders;
    He writ the Blunder of all Blunders;
    He writ a merry farce or poppet,
    Taught actors how to squeak and hop it;
    A treatise on the Wooden-man[15],
    A ballad on the nose of Dan;
    The art of making April fools,
    The four-and-thirty quibbling rules.
    The learned say, that Tom went snacks
    With Philomaths, for almanacks;
    Though they divided are, for some say,
    He writ for Whaley, some for Cumpstey[16].
    Hundreds there are, who will make oath,
    That he writ almanacks for both;
    And, though they made the calculations,
    Tom writ the monthly observations!
      Such were his writings, but his chatter
    Was one continual clitter-clatter.
    Swift slit his tongue, and made it talk,
    Cry, 'Cup o' sack,' and 'Walk, knave, walk!'
    And fitted little prating Pall
    For wire-cage, in Common-Hall;
    Made him expert at quibble-jargon,
    And quaint at selling of a bargain.
    Pall, he could talk in different linguos,
    But he could not be taught distinguos:
    Swift tried in vain, and angry thereat,
    Into a spaniel turn'd the parrot;
    Made him to walk on his hind-legs,
    He dances, fawns, and paws, and begs;
    Then cuts a caper o'er a stick[17],
    Lies close, does whine, and creep, and lick:
    Swift put a bit upon his snout,
    Poor Tom! he daren't look about;
    But when that Swift does give the word,
    He snaps it up, though 'twere a t--.
    Swift strokes his back, and gives him victual,
    And then he makes him lick his spittle.
    Sometimes he takes him on his lap,
    And makes him grin, and snarl, and snap.
    He sets the little cur at me;
    Kick'd, he leapt upon his knee;
    I took him by the neck to shake him,
    And made him void his _album Græcum_.
    'Turn out the stinking cur, pox take him!'
    Quoth Swift: though Swift could sooner want any
    Thing in the world, than a Tanta-ny,
    And thus not only makes his grig
    A parrot, spaniel, but his pig.

[15] The wooden-man was a famed door-post in Dublin.

[16] Famous Irish almanack makers.

[17] This was literally true between Swift and Sheridan.




    ADVERTISEMENT.

The Second Part of this Work will be published with all convenient
expedition: to which will be added, A small Treatise of Conundrums,
Carriwhichits, and Long-petites; together with the Winter-fire's
Diversion; The Art of making Rebuses; The Antiquity of Hoop-petticoats
proved from Adam's two Daughters, Calmana and Delbora, &c. &c. &c.




                 A

          PUNNING LETTER

              TO THE

         EARL OF PEMBROKE,

    PRETENDED TO BE THE DYING SPEECH OF TOM ASHE,
      WHOSE BROTHER, THE REVEREND DILLON ASHE, WAS
      NICK-NAMED DILLY.


Tom Ashe died last night. It is conceived he was so puffed up by my lord
lieutenant's _favour_, that it struck him into a _fever_. I here send
you his dying speech, as it was exactly taken by a friend in short-hand.
It is something long, and a little incoherent; but he was several hours
delivering it, and with several intervals. His friends were about the
bed, and he spoke to them thus:

    My Friends,

It is time for a man to look _grave_, when he has one foot there. I once
had only a _pun_nic fear of death; but of late I have _pun_dred it more
seriously. Every fit of _coughing_ hath put me in mind of my _coffin_;
though _dissolute_ men seldomest think of _dissolution_. This is a very
great alteration: I, that supported myself with good _wine_, must now be
myself supported by a _small bier_. A fortune-teller once looked on my
hand, and said, 'This man is to be a great traveller; he will soon be at
the _Diet_ of _Worms_, and from thence go to _Ratisbone_.' But now I
understand his double meaning. I desire to be privately _buried_, for I
think a public funeral looks like _Bury_ fair; and the _rites_ of the
dead too often prove _wrong_ to the living. Methinks the word itself
best expresses the number, neither _few nor all_. A dying man should not
think of _obsequies_, but _ob se quies_. Little did I think you would so
soon see poor _Tom stown_ under a _tomb stone_. But as the _mole_
crumbles the _mould_ about her, so a man of small _mould_, before I am
_old_, may _moulder_ away. Sometimes I've _rav'd_ that I should
_rev_ive; but physicians tell me, that, when once the great _artery_ has
drawn the _heart awry_, we shall find the _cor di all_, in spite of all
the highest _cordial_. Brother, you are fond of _Daffy's_ elixir: but,
when death comes, the world will see that, in spite of _Daffy down
Dilly_, whatever doctors _may design_ by their _medicines_, a man in a
_dropsy drops he_ not, in spite of Goddard's _drops_, though none are
reckoned such _high drops_?--I find death smells the blood of an
Englishman: a _fee_ faintly _fum_bled out will be a weak defence against
his _fee-fa-fum_.--_P.T._ are no letters in death's _alphabet_; he has
not _half a bit_ of either: he moves his _scythe_, but will not be moved
by all our _sighs_. Every thing ought to put us in mind of death.
Physicians affirm, that our very food breeds it in us; so that in our
_dieting_, we may be said to _di eating_. There is something ominous,
not only in the names of diseases, as _di_-arrhœa, _di_-abetes,
_di_-sentery, but even in the drugs designed to preserve our lives; as
_di_-acodium, _di_-apente, _di_-ascordium. I perceive Dr. _Howard_ (and
I feel _how hard_) _lay thumb_ on my _pulse_, then _pulls_ it back, as
if he saw _lethum_ in my face. I see as bad in his; for sure there is no
_physic_ like a _sick phiz_. He thinks I shall _decease_ before the _day
cease_; but, before I die, before the bell hath _toll'd_, and _Tom
Tollman_ is _told_ that little _Tom_, though not _old_, has paid
nature's _toll_, I do desire to give some advice to those that survive
me. First, let gamesters consider that death is _hazard_ and _passage_,
upon the turn of a _die_. Let lawyers consider it as a hard _case_. And
let punners consider how hard it is to _die jesting_, when death is so
hard in _digesting_.

As for my lord-lieutenant the Earl of _Mungomerry_, I am sure he
_be-wales_ my misfortune; and it would move him to stand by, when the
carpenter (while my friends grieve and make an _odd splutter_) _nails_
up my coffin. I will make a short _affidavi_-t, that, if he makes my
_epitaph_, I will take it for a great honour; and it is a plentiful
subject. His excellency may say, that the art of punning is dead with
_Tom_. _Tom_ has taken all puns away with him. _Omne tulit
pun-Tom._----May his excellency long _live tenant_ to the queen in
_Ireland_. We never _Herberd_ so good a governor before. Sure he
_mun-go-merry_ home, that has made a kingdom so happy. I hear, my
friends design to publish a collection of my puns. Now I do confess, I
have let many a _pun go_, which did never _pungo_; therefore the world
must read the bad as well as the good. Virgil has long foretold it:
_Punica mala leges_.----I have had several forebodings that I should
soon die: I have of late been often at committees, where I have sat de
_die_ in _diem_.----I conversed much with the _usher_ of the _black
rod_: I saw his _medals_; and woe is _me dull_ soul, not to consider
they are but dead men's faces _stampt over_ and _over_ by the living,
which will shortly be my condition.

Tell Sir _Anthony Fountain_, I _ran_ clear to the _bottom_, and wish he
may be a late _a river_ where I am going. He used to _brook_
compliments. May his _sand_ be long a _running_; not _quick sand_ like
mine! Bid him avoid _poring_ upon monuments and books; which is in
reality but _running_ among _rocks_ and _shelves_, to _stop_ his
_course_. May his _waters_ never be _troubled_ with _mud_ or _gravel_,
nor _stopt_ by any _grinding stone_! May his friends be all true
_trouts_, and his enemies laid as flat as _flounders_! I look upon him
as the most _fluent_ of his _race_; therefore let him not _despond_. I
foresee his black _rod_ will advance to a _pike_, and destroy all our
_ills_.

But I am going; my _wind in_ lungs is turning to a _winding_ sheet. The
thoughts of _a pall_ begin to _a pall_ me. Life is but a _vapour_, car
elle _va pour_ la moindre cause. Farewell: I have lived ad amicorum
_fastidium_, and now behold how _fast I dium_!

Here his breath failed him, and he expired. There are some false
spellings here and there; but they must be pardoned in a dying man.




                A

             LETTER

       GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF

      A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR.


    Sir,

You must give me leave to complain of a _pestilent_ fellow in my
neighbourhood, who is always beating _mortar_; yet I cannot find he ever
builds. In talking, he useth such hard words, that I want a Drugger-man
to interpret them. But all is not gold that _glisters_. _A pot he
carries_ to most houses where he visits. He makes his prentice his
_gally_ slave. I wish our lane were _purged_ of him. Yet he pretends to
be a _cordial_ man. Every _spring_ his shop is crowded with
country-folks, who, by their _leaves_, in my opinion, help him to do a
great deal of mischief. He is full of _scruples_; and so very litigious,
that he _files bills_ against all his acquaintance: and, though he be
much troubled with the _simples_, yet I assure you he is a _Jesuitical
dog_; as you may know by his _bark_. Of all poetry he loves the
_dram-a-tick_. I am, &c.




                  A

        PUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY.


    Worthy Mr. Pennyfeather,

Madam Johnson has been very ill-used by her servants; they put
_shillings_ into her broth instead of _groats_, which made her stamp. I
hear they had them from one _Tom Ducket_, a tenant to Major _Noble_, who
I am told is reduced to _nine-pence_. We are doubting whether we shall
dine at the _Crown_ or the _Angel_. Honest _Mark Cob_, who has been much
_moydored_ of late, will dine with us, but 'Squire _Manypenny_ and
Captain _Sterling_ desire to be excused, for they are engaged with Ned
_Silver_ to dine in _Change_-alley. They live in great har-_mony_; they
met altogether last week, and sate as loving as horses in a _pound_. I
suppose you have heard of the _rhino_-ceros lately arrived here. A
captain was _cash_-iered on Wednesday. A scavenger abused me this
morning, but I made him down with his dust, which indeed was a
_far-thing_ from my intentions. Mrs. Brent had a _pi-stole_ from her; I
would a' _ginny'e_ a good deal for such another. Mrs. _Dingley_ has made
a _souse_ for your collard-eel. Alderman _Coyn_ presents his service to
you. I have nothing but _half-pens_ to write with, so that you must
excuse this scrawl. One of my seals fell into a _chink_. I am, without
alloy,

    Your most obedient,
            TOM MITE.

P.S. Mr. _Cole_ presents his service to you, of which I am a-_tester_.




     GOD'S REVENGE AGAINST PUNNING,

           BY DR. ARBUTHNOT;

SHOWING THE MISERABLE FATES OF PERSONS ADDICTED
     TO THIS CRYING SIN IN COURT AND TOWN.


Manifold have been the judgments which Heaven, from time to time, for
the chastisement of a sinful people, has inflicted on whole nations. For
when the degeneracy becomes common, 'tis but just the punishment should
be general: Of this kind, in our own unfortunate country, was that
destructive pestilence, whose mortality was so fatal, as to sweep away,
if Sir William Petty may be believed, five millions of Christian souls,
besides women and Jews.

Such also was that dreadful conflagration ensuing, in this famous
metropolis of London, which consumed, according to the computation of
Sir Samuel Morland, 100,000 houses, not to mention churches and stables.

Scarce had this unhappy nation recovered these funest disasters, when
the abomination of playhouses rose up in this land: from hence hath an
inundation of obscenity flowed from the court and overspread the
kingdom. Even infants disfigured the walls of holy temples with
exorbitant representations of the members of generation: nay, no sooner
had they learnt to spell, but they had wickedness enough to write the
names thereof in large capitals: an enormity observed by travellers to
be found in no country but England.

But when whoring and popery were driven hence by the happy Revolution,
still the nation so greatly offended, that Socinianism, Arianism, and
Whistonism triumphed in our streets, and were in a manner become
universal.

And yet still, after all these visitations, it has pleased Heaven to
visit us with a contagion more epidemical, and of consequence more
fatal: this was foretold to us, first, by that unparalleled eclipse in
1714; secondly, by the dreadful coruscation in the air this present
year; and, thirdly, by the nine comets seen at once over Soho-square, by
Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and others: a contagion that first crept in
among the first quality, descended to their footmen, and infused itself
into their ladies--I mean the woeful practice of PUNNING. This does
occasion the corruption of our language, and therein of the word of God
translated into our language, which certainly every sober Christian must
tremble at.

Now such is the enormity of this abomination, that our very nobles not
only commit punning over tea, and in taverns, but even on the Lord's
day, and in the king's chapel: therefore, to deter men from this evil
practice, I shall give some true and dreadful examples of God's revenge
against punsters.

The Right Honourable----(but it is not safe to insert the name of an
eminent nobleman in this paper, yet I will venture to say that such a
one has been _seen_; which is all we can say, considering the largeness
of his sleeves)--This young nobleman was not only a flagitious punster
himself, but was accessary to the punning of others, by consent, by
provocation, by connivance, and by defence of the evil committed; for
which the Lord mercifully spared his neck, but as a mark of reprobation
_wryed his nose_.

Another nobleman of great hopes, no less guilty of the same crime, was
made the punisher of himself with his own hand, in the loss of 500
pounds at box and dice; whereby this unfortunate young gentleman
incurred the heavy displeasure of his aged grandmother.

A third of no less illustrious extraction, for the same vice, was
permitted to fall into the arms of a _Dalilah_, who may one day cut off
his curious hair, and deliver him up to the _Philistines_.

Colonel F----, an ancient gentleman of grave deportment, gave into this
sin so early in his youth, that whenever his tongue endeavours to speak
common sense, he hesitates so as not to be understood.

Thomas Pickle, gentleman, for the same crime, banished to Minorca.

Muley Hamet, from a wealthy and hopeful officer in the army, turned a
miserable invalid at Tilbury-Fort.

---- Eustace, Esq. for the murder of much of the King's English in
Ireland, is quite deprived of his reason, and now remains a lively
instance of emptiness and vivacity.

Poor Daniel Button, for the same offence, deprived of his wits.

One Samuel, an Irishman, for his forward attempt to pun, was stunted in
his stature, and hath been visited all his life after with bulls and
blunders.

George Simmons, shoemaker at Turnstile in Holborn, was so given to this
custom, and did it with so much success, that his neighbours gave out he
was a wit. Which report coming among his creditors, nobody would trust
him; so that he is now a bankrupt, and his family in a miserable
condition.

Divers eminent clergymen of the university of Cambridge, for having
propagated this vice, became great drunkards and Tories.

_From which calamities, the Lord in his mercy defend us all_, &c. &c.




    THE BIRTH OF A PUN[18].

    When Adam and Eve, as the saints all believe,
    From the garden of Eden were driven;
    They put up a prayer to king Joe in his chair,
    That a boon he would grant them from heaven.
    'Twas in vain that old Jove 'gainst their petition strove,
    Madame Juno determined to grapple
    His arguments keen; said the thunderer's queen,
    "Where's the sin, pray, of stealing an apple?
    Send Momus, I beg, let him carry an egg,
    To earth's now disconsolate son;
    And bid Mistress Eve, that no longer she grieve,
    For the gods have enclosed them a _Pun_."
    Now downward the sprite on the earth did alight,
    And cracking the shell on the floor,
    Gave birth to a Pun, full of humour and fun,
    And sadness they never knew more.




[18] ANTIQUITY OF PUNS AND ENIGMAS,

_By the learned Author of Hermes._


On the subject of puns the late learned author of Hermes and
Philological Inquiries has the following remarks and extracts:

A Pun seldom regards MEANING, being chiefly confined to SOUND.

Horace gives a sad example of this _spurious_ wit, where (as _Dryden_
humorously translates it) he makes _Persius_ the buffoon exhort the
patriot _Brutus_ to kill Mr. King, that is, _Rupilius Rex_, because
_Brutus_, when he slew _Cæsar_, had been accustomed to KING-KILLING.

    _Hunc_ Regem _occide; operum
          Hoc mihi crede tuorum est_.

We have a worse attempt in _Homer_, where _Ulysses_ makes _Polypheme_
believe his name was ΟΤΤΙΣ, and where the dull _Cyclops_, after
he had lost his eye, upon being asked by his brethren who had done so
much mischief, replies, 'twas done by ΟΤΤΙΣ, that is, by
NOBODY.

Enigmas are of a more complicated nature, being involved either in _pun_
or _metaphor_, or sometimes in both.

    Ἁνδρ' ἑιδον ωυρἱ χαλκὁν ἑπ' ἁνἑρι κολλἡσαντα.

    _I saw a man, who_, unprovoked with ire,
    _Stuck brass upon another's back by fire_.

This Enigma is ingenious, and means the _operation of cupping_,
performed in ancient days by a machine of _brass_.

In such fancies, contrary to the principles of good _metaphor_ and good
writing, a _perplexity_ is caused, _not by accident_, but _by design_,
and _the pleasure_ lies in the being able _to resolve it_.




    THE ENGLISH CELEBRATED FOR
        PUNNING ON NAMES.


The English are noted for punning on people's names, in allusion to
their talent or profession.--Grimaldi was called, from his "grim faces,"
_Grim-all-day_; Macready, from his quick study, "_Make ready_;" Young,
from his youthful appearance, "the _young_ actor;" Kean, from his new
readings, "the _keen_ actor;" Sinclair, from his beautiful voice, "Mr.
_Sing clear_;" Miss Tree, the lovely vocalist, "_the Mystery_," &c. &c.
&c.: innumerable are the instances in the _political_ world, but _quant.
suff_. Perhaps one of the most laughable of the present day is the pun
upon Mr. Thomas Bish, the stockbroker's name; he was then at the head of
one of the most respectable tea-dealing establishments in London. His
friends sunk his Christian name, excepting the first letter, and
jocosely called him Mr. _Tea_ Bish: perhaps the joke was borrowed from
an epigram on Mr. Twining, the tea-dealer, viz.

    "How curiously names with professions agree,
     For Twining would be _wining_, dispossess'd of his T."

But we shall favour the reader with a few of the best modern examples.




    OF PUNNING ON SURNAMES.


    Men once were surnamed from their shape or estate,
      (You all may from history worm it:)
    There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great,
      John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit.
    But now, when the door-plates of misters and dames
      Are read, each so constantly varies
    From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, surnames
      Seem given by the rule of contraries.

    Mr. Fox, though provoked, never doubles his fist,
      Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel,
    Mr. Playfair won't catch me at hazard or whist,
      Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel.
    Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a Whig,
      Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly,
    And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gig
      While driving fat Mrs. Golightly.

    Mrs. Drinkwater's apt to indulge in a dram,
      Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury,
    And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. Lamb
      Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury.
    At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout,
      (A conduct well worthy of Nero,)
    Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout,
      Mr. Heaviside danced a Bolero.

    Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. Love,
      Found nothing but sorrow await her:
    She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove,
      That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter.
    Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut,
      Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest;
    Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut,
      Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest.

    Mr. Child, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. Rock,
      Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf shivers,
    Miss Poole used to dance, but she stands like a stock
      Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers.
    Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how,
      He moves as though cords had entwined him;
    Mr. Metcalfe ran off, upon meeting a cow,
      With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him.

    Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea,
      Mr. Miles never moves on a journey,
    Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after-three,
      Mr. Makepiece was bred an attorney.
    Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a root,
      Mr. Wilde with timidity draws back;
    Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot,
      Mr. Foote all his journeys on horseback.

    Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth,
      Kick'd down all the fortune his dad won,
    Large Mr. Le Fever's the picture of health,
      Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one.
    Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thousand a-year
      By showing his leg to an heiress:--
    Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite clear
      Surnames ever go by contraries.

         _New Monthly Magazine._




       AN EPITAPH,

          OR

     PUNNING RUN MAD.


    Here lies old John Magee, late the landlord at the Sun,
    He never had an _ail_, unless when all his _ale_ was done:
    The Sun was on the sign, tho' what sign his sun was on,
    No studier of the Zodiac could ever hit upon.
    Some said it was Aquarius, so queerious he'd get;
    But he declared no _soda-hack_ should ever share his _whet_.
    His burnish'd sun was sol-o, soul-heart'ning was his cheer,
    And quaffing of good _porter_ long kept him from his _bier_.
    As draughtsman he'd no equal, his drawings were so good,
    And many a noble draught has he taken from the _wood_,--
    Rare _spirited_ productions, with tasty views near _Cork_;
    And then he had a _score_ or two _rum_ characters in _chalk_.
    Above the mantel-taillee his tally it was nail'd,
    And though he had lost one eyesight, his _hop-ticks_ never fail'd.
    Good ale and cider _sold here_, oft made the _soldier_ halt,
    And sailor Jack, his sail aback, would hoist aboard his malt;
    Most cordially he'd pour out a cordial for the fair,
    Whose peeper meant to ogle the peppermint so rare;
    While buxom Jean would toss off the juniper so gay,
    And swear it was both sweet and nice as any _shrub_ in May.
    At last John took to drinking, and drank till drunk with drink;
    His stuffing he would stuff in till stuff began to shrink;
    Tho' mistress shook her hand high, he suck'd the sugar-candy,
    And often closed his brand eye by tippling of the brandy.
    His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast,
    And staggering round his bar-rails, his barrels breathed their last;
    And when he treated _all hands_ his _Hollands_ ran away,
    Nor reap'd he fruit from _any seed_ for _aniseed_ to pay.
    And though he drank the bitters, his bitters still increas'd,
    He puff'd the more _parfait au cœur_ till all his efforts ceas'd.
    The storm, alas! was brewing, the brewer drew his till,
    And Mrs. Figg, for 'bacca, to back her brought her bill.
    Distillers still'd his spirits, but couldn't still his mind;
    He told the bailiff he would try a bail if he could find;
    But fumbling round the tap-room, Death tapp'd him on the head,
    So here he lies quite flat and stale, because, d'ye see, he's dead.

         _Literary Gazette._

[Illustration]




[Illustration]




       BENJAMIN BASHFUL

             ON

     THE VICE OF PUNNING.

      THE PUNSTER'S FOE.

    Who's he, that from our board is running?
    He, Sir's an enemy to punning,
    A bashful foe, who loves not wit--
    Ergo, because he's none of it
    Within his cranium; and at table
    Sits like the fox in Æsop's fable,
    Watching the grapes he'd fain devour,
    And disappointed, calls them sour.
    A laugh would decompose his metal,
    And like a dog, with a tin kettle
    Dangling at his tail, he runs
    From witty wags who deal in puns.


TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ.

Sir,

It has just been communicated to me, that you are about to collect and
publish a Punster's Pocket-Book, for the express purpose of promoting
that _pernicious vice_, which is already much too prevalent. As an
antidote to the evil, I hope you will _not fail_ to insert this my
special protest.

B. BASHFUL.


I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, to use the phrase of the
mode, have just _come out_, and made my _entré_ into the world with the
reputation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could wish you to
notice a minor evil in society which tends to poison the springs of
taste and knowledge, by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing back
the reflective, speaker. I allude to the vice of punning, which tends to
destroy all the profit and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in
the greatest degree, the young and inexperienced.

It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionable _dilettanti_, each of
them capable of sustaining a part in rational discourse, and of
conducting the intellectual conflict with some share of vigour and
learning; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter away time,
patience, and attention, with a series of unconnected quibbles and
conundrums. Instead of the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid
creations of lively, intelligent minds, the conversation presents a
motley intermixture of shreds of wit and patches of conceit, a
chequer-work of incongruities, the very orts and scraps of the "Feast of
Reason," the dozings of science, and dregs of literature. If I relate to
this group of punsters the most affecting circumstance, I am heard with
impatience and inattention, till I chance unwittingly to utter a word
susceptible of a double or triple interpretation. The mischievous spark
of folly immediately ignites, the moral interest of my tale is
undermined, and a loud report of laughter announces the explosion. The
genius of orthography frowns in vain: puns are, by the law of custom,
entitled to claim entrance into the sensorium either by the eye or the
ear: but when a pseudo pun ("for indeed there are counterfeits abroad")
is perceptible to neither sense--when read, its wit is not discoverable;
and when heard, it cannot be understood: to avoid the horror of an
explanation, I find myself obliged to perjure my senses by laughing in
ignorance and very sadness, and thus contribute a sanction to the
practice I would fain abolish. The evil is subversive of the first
principle of society. Is it little to hunger for the bread of wisdom,
and to be fed with the husks of folly? Is it little to thirst for the
Castalian fount, and see its waters idly wasted in sport or malice? Is
it little to seek for the interchange of souls, and find only the
reciprocity of nonsense?

    P.S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.

         To which complaint, I add this note
         And sketch, by way of antidote,
         The glorious art can life enhance,
         A Pun will cause a Bear to dance,
         And as we here have proof,--provoke
         A bashful man to stand a joke.

[Illustration]

[Illustration]




[Illustration]




      EXAMPLES IN PUNNING,

               BY

   ROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENT
            PERSONS.

       THE PUNSTER'S BOWL.

    The sovereign medicine of life,
    The antidote to care and strife--
    Is friendship, and the cheerful bowl,
    When humour meets a kindred soul:
    Then flows the epigram, and pun,
    From starry eve, to morning's sun;
    And Laughter, "holding both his sides,"
    The rubs and jeers of life derides.
    Then honest hearts, elate with glee,
    Forget the world, and black _ennui_;
    For nought like punch, and puns, can drown,
    The supercilious rich man's frown,
    Or free the heart, a prey to care,
    From fortune's ills and fell despair.

        Bernard Blackmantle.




    EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.

    "The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men."
          _Addison, Spectator, No. 61._


    ROYAL PUNS.


    RIGHT DIVINE.

Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the
select evening parties of his present Majesty, George the Fourth, while
at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend J. Wright. On one
occasion the king suggested to his brother, the Duke of York, some
intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented,
and his Majesty referred to the D.D. on which the reverend jocularly
observed, "The king can do no wrong." Then, said his Majesty, "Fred. I
shall pursue my object, for you hear I have '_Wright Divine_' on my
side."


    COOKE AND KITCHEN.

Sir George C., better known as Col. C., was said to have had an intrigue
with a Mrs. Kitchen. When the king was told of it, he said, "It was
very natural that a Cooke should be fond of _Kitchen stuff_, but if he
meddles with the _Coles_ he will get out of the frying-pan into the
fire." The _Coles_ were cousins to the lady.


    A DOWN HILL PUN.

Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, and a near relative to
the Londonderry family, was among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr.
Tierney remarked, that Sir George was getting old and feeble--"If I
mistake not," replied the king, "he is going _down hill_ very rapidly."


"Hume and Croker had a sharp contest last night," said the Earl of
Liverpool to his Majesty, "but it ended in _smoke_." "I don't wonder at
that," replied the monarch; "The _Fire_ of _Croker_ was sure to _smoke_
like Irish _turf_ beneath the weight of Scotch _Hume-i-dity_."


Sir Edmund Nagle said he wondered that the king of France did not feel
offended at the _squibs_ let off against him in the English newspapers.
"Pshaw!" said the king, "he would be a fool indeed to be frightened at a
_squib_ in London, when at Paris he is sitting on a _barrel of
gunpowder_."


    LORD ELDON'S PUNNING JEU D'ESPRIT.

In an application to his Lordship for an injunction to restrain the
proprietors of the "Gazette of Fashion" from selling the song of "We're
a' Noddin," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling nature of the cause,
after hearing the defendant, observed, "I will dismiss both parties, by
granting an injunction against _Cease your Funning_."


    LORD STOWELL,

On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in the Admiralty Court,
inquired separately of the advocates, if they had any motion to _move_;
and being answered in the _negative_, the judge very good humouredly
replied, "Then, gentlemen, the best thing we can do will be to _move
ourselves_."


    GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST.
    _Kicking the Bucket._

As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were walking along Pall Mall,
the Earl struck his foot, by accident, against a small pail, (which
some careless servant had left at the door), and turned it over; "Why,
your lordship has _kicked the bucket_," said the facetious orator; "No,
not so bad as that, George," replied the witty earl, "I've only _turned
a little pale_ (i. e. _pail_)."


    LORD ERSKINE.

Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of punning upon the ancient
languages than his lordship. For instance, on one of the articles of his
breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribed _Tu doces_, literally
_Thou--Tea--Chest_.


    THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION.

"Your Grace speaks without _reason_, and too much in a _passion_," said
a Spanish brunette to whom he had made a _proposal_, and was _pressing_
it somewhat _close_. "Ah! my dear little angel," said the great captain,
"_reason_ has nothing to do with _love_; and _passion_ is very desirable
when we are on the point of _entering_ into _immediate action_."


    TURN IN AND TURN OUT.

A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, visited the
Duke early on the morning of the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving
him lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his Grace "had
not room to _turn_ himself." The Duke immediately replied, "When you
have lived as long as I have, you will know that when a man thinks of
_turning in_ his bed, it is time he should _turn out_ of it."


    THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE

Being told that a great public defaulter had married his
_kept-mistress_, observed, "That fellow is always _robbing the public_."


    ROGERS ON TASTE.

When the Marquis of Hertford opened his splendid hotel in Piccadilly,
Mrs. Coutts was one of the visitors present--much to the annoyance of
certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an observation of _hers_, upon
the splendour and magnificence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers
archly remarked, that, "besides splendour, there was so much good taste
in the _ornaments_ and _society_--every thing in the rooms was so
_chaste_ and _delicate_."


    LADY HAMILTON.

The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her table given "Mr. Abraham
Goldsmidt" as a toast, and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she
cried, "Come, come, my Lord, you must not _sham Abraham_."


    JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT.

A friend consoling with the comedian during a severe attack of the
_gout_, observed, that the disease _prolonged life_, and added, "Any
body might take a _lease_ of _yours_." "Then it must be," quoth Jack
writhing with pain, "at a _rack rent_."


    HOSPITALITY.

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the Irish, after his
return from a trip to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had ever been
at _Cork_? "No," replied the wit, "but I have seen a great many
_drawings_ of it."


    LUTTRELL AND ROGERS.

Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the Chinese Saloon the other
day. "This must be a famous speculation," said Sam; "I think the
proprietor of the _Anatomie Vivante_ should take his motto from my
favourite epistle in Horace--

   'Annonæ prosit--
    _Vir_ BONUS.'"

"Why," said Luttrell, "I think the man a humbug; you'll find plenty of
living skeletons in our hospitals--so I think a better motto may be
found for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted so often--

    '_Vir_ BONUS est QUIZ.'"


    THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX.

C.J. Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend, both much incommoded by duns, were
together in a house, when seeing some very shabby men about the door,
they were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. Not knowing which
was in danger, and wishing to ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and
calling to them, said, "Pray, gentlemen, are you _Fox-hunting_, or
_Hare-hunting_?"


    LORD ROSS.

The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money in London, set out for
Ireland in order to recruit his purse. On his way he happened to meet
with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a lofty phaeton,
with six fine _dun_-coloured horses. "Sir Murrough," exclaimed his
Lordship, "what a contrast between you and me! I have left my _duns_
behind me; you are driving your _duns_ before you."


    DR. JOHNSON.

Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the end of the Old Bailey,
observed a great crowd collected, and upon inquiring of Boswell what it
meant, was informed that one _Vowel_ was going to be hanged for forgery.
"Well," replied the Doctor, "it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neither
_U_ nor _I_."


    AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY.
    _Dr. Johnson._

A pert young fellow who had made some abortive attempts as an author,
and notwithstanding the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent
terms with himself, had long been labouring for an opportunity of being
introduced to the Doctor, and at length succeeded in obtaining an
invitation to Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be frequently
accosted by his name, which, in his own fond imagination, was "_fama
super æthera notum_," he sat for some time in expectation of being
accosted by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, that his hopes were
vain, he at length ventured to break the ice. Approaching the Doctor
with a smile of self-sufficiency, "My name, Doctor Johnson," said he,
"is----; you have probably heard of me as being of some celebrity in the
literary world." "Yes, I have indeed," was the sarcastic reply he
received, "of _very unfortunate celebrity_."


    DR. PARR ON WANTS.

The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness was secure in proportion
to the _small number of his wants_; and he added, that, all his life, he
had endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them in himself. A Mr.
Ketch, on hearing this, said to him, "Then, Doctor, your secret of
happiness is, to _cut down your wants_." "_Suspend_ your _puns_, Mr.
_Ketch_," said the Doctor, "and _I will drop_ you the hint: _My_ secret
is, _not to let them grow up_."


    GEORGE COLMAN.

George Colman being once asked if he were acquainted with Theodore Hook,
replied, "Oh yes; Hook and I (_eye_) are old associates."


    JAMES SMITH, ESQ. ON SPRING AND SUMMER.

"We shall _jump_ into _summer_ all at once," said a friend to James
Smith, one very fine day in the early part of the year. "Stop," said the
punster, "if it is _leap year_, you must take a good _spring_ first."


    SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART--THE SCORE OF MERIT.

Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir George Smart being knighted,
said, "It must have been on the _merit_ of his _score_[19], and not on
the _score_ of his _merit_."

[19] _The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then Lord
Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over rich._


    MR. WILLIAM SPENCER.
    _Classical Pun._

As William Spencer was contemplating the caricatures at Fores's one day,
somebody pointed out to him Cruickshanks's design of the "Ostend packet
in a squall;" when the wit, without at all sympathizing with the nausea
visible on some of the faces represented in the print, exclaimed,

    "Quodcunque Ostendis _mihi_ sic incredulus odi."


    REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST.

The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her friends who take grog,
should mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never
observes the rule for herself. Reynolds having once made a glass under
her directions, was asked by the lady--"Pray, Sir, is it--_As You Like
It_?"--"No, Madam," replied the dramatist, "it is--_Measure for
Measure_."


    HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS.
    _The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian._

The first time that Henderson, the player, rehearsed a part at Drury
Lane, George Garrick came into the boxes, saying as he entered, "I only
come as a spectator." Soon after he made some objection to Henderson's
playing, when the young actor retorted--"Sir, I thought you were only to
be a _Spectator_; instead of that you are turning _Tatler_." "Never mind
him, Sir," said David Garrick, "never mind him, let him be what he will,
I'll be the _Guardian_."


    ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN.

The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written to some years since, with
an offer for a good engagement from a manager, who, on a former
occasion, had not behaved altogether well to him. Cherry sent him word,
that he had been bit by him once, and he was resolved, that he should
not make _two bites of A. Cherry_.


    MR. JEKYLL'S PUN ON MR. RAINE.

Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. Raine, the barrister, was
engaged as the opposing counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, "If _Raine was
ever known to do any good to Hay?_"


    RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER.
    _A Fault in Candles._

Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be
better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them
complained of, as they were as good as he could make. "Why," says Ralph,
"they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they
would not burn any _longer_."


    C.J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE "SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL."

Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund Burke, at the Thatched House,
where they were served with dishes more elegant than substantial.
Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far from relishing the
kickshaws that were set before him, and addressing his companion--"These
dishes, Burke," said he, "are admirably calculated for your palate--they
are both _sublime_ and _beautiful_."


    HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON "TIT BITS."

Horne Tooke, author of the _Epea Pteroenta_, was remarkable for the
readiness of his repartees in conversation. He once received an
invitation to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. "What!"
said Horne Tooke, "go to meet a country schoolmaster, a mere man of
Greek and Latin scraps! that will never do." Some time after this, he
met Dr. Parr in the street, and addressed him with, "Ah! my dear Parr,
is it you? how gratified I am to see you!" "What, me?" replied Parr, "a
mere country schoolmaster, a man of Greek and Latin scraps?" "Oh my good
friend," rejoined Horne Tooke immediately, "those who told you that
never understood me; when I spoke of the _scraps_ I meant the
_tit-bits_."


    CURRAN'S CULINARY JOKE.

During Lord Westmoreland's administration, when a number of new corps
were raised in Ireland (and given as jobs and political favours), it was
observed, that, when inspected there, the establishment of each regiment
was nominally reported to be complete at embarkation for England, but
when landed at the other side, many of them had not a quarter of their
numbers. "No wonder," said Mr. Curran, "for after being _mustered_, they
are afraid of being _peppered_, and off they fly, not wishing to pay for
the _roast_."


    COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE.

A gentleman being severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, who asked him
repeatedly if he did not live within the verge of the court, at length
answered that he did. "And pray, sir," said Dunning, "why did you take
up your residence in that place?"--"In order to avoid the impertinence
of _dunning_," answered the witness.


    LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET.
    _Bleeding in Chancery._

On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained against that useful work
the Lancet, the Lord Chancellor sent it to the Vice, and "hoped there
would be no more _bleeding_," to which Mr. Hart replied, not much, as
there was _only one operator_ retained by each side. Ay, but, said his
lordship, they may stick to their _patient_ like a Leach.


    R.B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR
       ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.

One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern,
and ordered a steak: "But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish cold,
bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and
another. "Now, (said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr.
Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu:--

    The Prince came in, said it was cold,
      Then put to his head the rummer;
    Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came,
      When he pronounced it _summer_.


    CHARLES BANNISTER.

Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his custody, and asking his
offence, was told he had stolen a _bridle_. "Then (said Charles) he
wanted _to touch the bit_."


    WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING.

That very sober _pious_ personage, Mr. Wilberforce, reproved his friend
Sheridan thus: "My good Sir, (said he) you have _drunk_ a _little_ too
_much_." "Have I? (hiccupped the other) and you, my good Sir, have
_drunk much_ too _little_."


    THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD.

The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat,
asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr.
Whitfoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not_."


    JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED.

The judge told an old man with a _long beard_, who was being examined as
a witness, that he "supposed he had a _conscience as long as his
beard_." If, replied the old man, we were all to be _judged_ of by _that
rule_, your lordship would be deemed a most _unconscionable judge_[20].

[20] Jefferies had no beard.


    LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY.

"_Sic sine Morte Mori_," was given by some wag as a toast, when Lord
Chesterfield and Lord Tyrawley were both present, at a very advanced
age, when Lord Chesterfield said, "Tyrawley and I have been _dead_ these
two years; but we don't choose to have it known."


    SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH.

A German baron at a gaming-house, being detected in an _odd trick_, one
of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On
this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him "never play _so
high again_."


    FELIX M'CARTHY.

Felix M'Carthy passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from
some impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he
did thus: "I have been abused here by some of the _rascals_ of this inn,
and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the
_Principal_."


    TIERNEY _v._ FOX.

Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, "If any thing on my part, or
on the part of those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I
could not lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then in
administration) whispered to his neighbour, "If he could not _lie_ on
his pillow with ease, he can _lie_ in this house with ease."


    LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS.

Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor attacked him: "I allow no
person (said he) to _kill game_ on my manor but myself; and I'll _shoot
you_, if I find you here again." "What! (said the comedian) do you mean
_to make game of me_?"


    CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW.

The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the
violin, the following bits took place:

_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this
fiddling.

_S._ Sir, I endeavour to _keep time_.

_W._ You mean rather _to kill time_.

_S._ No, I only _beat time_.


    JOHN KEMBLE MURDERING TIME.

When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by _Richard Cœur de
Lion_, Shaw, the leader of the band, called out from the orchestra, "Mr.
Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are _murdering time_." Kemble, calmly
and coolly taking a pinch of snuff, said, "My dear Sir, it is better for
me to murder Time at once than be continually _beating_ him as you do."


    SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE.

Sheridan complained that Congreve's "_Love for Love_," had been so much
altered and modified to suit the delicate ears of modern mawkishness,
that it was quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern marriages,
with very little of "_Love for Love_" in it. "His plays," said the wit,
"are, I own, somewhat licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them:
they are like horses; when you deprive them of their vice, they lose
their vigour."


    THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT.

An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the
King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning
Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been
promoted to the _bench_."


    SIR J. PARNELL

Became a general _toast_ in Ireland after the Union, by which he lost
his place, or, as he once said, "his bread and butter." When lamenting
his loss, he was told, "Ah! but it's amply made up to you in _toast_."


    HORACE TWISS, M.P.
    _A special Pun._

Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of Covent Garden theatre, to
see Macbeth: when the hero questions the witches what they are doing,
they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention
was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than
Shakspeare, catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, "A _deed_
without a _name_! why, 'tis _void_."


    RALPH WEWITZER.

The comedian meeting a young friend, observed how well he looked. "Ay,
(says the other) I have a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be
well satisfied; in the first place, every morning I eat a _great deal_
to breakfast." "Then (observes the former) I presume you breakfast in a
_timber-yard_."


    JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER.

A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. John Bannister nearly
lost his arm by the bursting of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he
observed to a friend, "I may be an actor, but I will not attempt to be a
_Shooter_."


    LORD NELSON'S ARMS.

The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, having solicited Lord
Nelson to permit him to put up his _arms_, and change the _name_ of the
inn to _The Nelson Hotel_; his lordship returned for answer, that he was
perfectly welcome to his _name_, but he must be sensible that he had no
_arms_ to spare.


    SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST.

A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an assemblage of lawyers,
Mr. Curran asked his lordship, if he should have the pleasure of helping
him to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. "If it were
_hung_ (said his lordship), I would try it." "If _you_ were to _try_ it
(replied Curran), it would be sure to be _hung_."


    CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE.

On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister to "_Coventry_" for
refusing to fight a duel, "Sure," said the wit, "that is carrying the
joke a little _too far_."


    CAPITAL JOKES.

While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily
peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what
he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If (replied Mr. Curran) you
have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the
better."


    ON DISCIPLINE.

MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he had an unfortunate limp. At
the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardour, and when
the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the
lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, MacNally said, "My dear
friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to
enter the Lawyers' Corps, and follow the camp." "You follow the camp, my
little limb of the law!" said the wit, "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you
never can be a disciplinarian." "And why not, Mr. Curran?" said
MacNally. "For this reason," said Curran, "the moment you were ordered
to march you would _halt_."


    LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL.

A gentleman told Lord North, that from a variety of losses, he had found
himself compelled to reduce his establishment. "And what (said his
lordship) have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?" "I have
sold her." "Then you have not attended to Horace's maxim:

    'Equam _memento rebus in arduis
             Servare_.'"


    MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND.

Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas More, shortly after their
mutual preferment, and thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage,
observed, "_Honores mutant Mores_." "No, my lord (said Sir Thomas), the
pun will be much better in English, _Honors change Manners_."


    LORD BYRON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING.

Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning was the lowest species of
wit. "True (said the other), it is the _foundation_."


    THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE.
    _Pun beneficial._

Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, delighted in a good pun. His
clergy dining with him the first time after the decease of his lady, he
said he feared the company would not find things in so good order as
they were in the time of poor _Mary_, adding with a sigh, "Ah! she was
indeed _Mare Pacificum_." A curate, who pretty well knew the truth of
the matter, got himself completely into favour by observing, "Ay, my
lord, but she was first _Mare Mortuum_."


    DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS.
    _A pun spoiled._

At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought in, become almost grey
with age. "Carry these pease to Kensington!" said one of the party. "Why
to Kensington?" said another. "Because it's the way to _Turn'em green_."
Dr. Goldsmith going home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds,
observed, that he would have given five pounds to make so excellent a
pun. "You shall have the opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when
you are to dine with me, and none of the same company will be present."
Tuesday came, and the dinner was served up; amongst the other dishes a
plate of pease of the same description. "Carry these peas to
Kensington," said Goldie. "Why so?" "Because it's the way to _make them
green_!"


    DR. BROWN'S TOAST.

Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses to a young lady, whom
he used always to give as a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the
latter filling his glass, said, "Come, doctor, I'll give you your
favourite _toast_." He answered, "You may do as you please; but for
myself, I have already _toasted_ her too long without being able to make
her _Brown_."


    R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M.P.

"Sir," said the humane M.P. to the facetious dramatist (praising his own
bill), "instead of the drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as
formerly, you will shortly see them applying _opodeldoc_ to their
wounds." "Ay;" rejoined the punster, "_Steer's_ of _Cow_-lane."


    R. PEAKE AND WINSTON.

The punster, having occasion to call upon the stage manager of Drury
Lane, was shown into his room, when the servant remarked, "he feared
Mr. Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a stage _screw_
lying upon the table before him, took it up and replied, "I perceive he
has left his card and _name_ behind him."


    ARNOLD AND PEAKE.

A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the proprietor of the English Opera,
was an _ill-tempered_ man, but a _fortunate_ one, Charles Westmacott
replied, "he knew that to be true, for he was indebted for both his
_cash_ and _success_ to _pique_." (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.)


    PEAKE'S "STOUT MAN"

Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of the season 1825, at
the English Opera House: when Arnold observing that the piece did not
_run_ according to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, "How can you
expect a _stout man to run in such very hot weather_?"


    CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS.

The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. Parsons into a shop where
there was an _electric eel_, the latter said, "Charles, what sort of a
pie would that eel make?" He answered, "A _shock-ing one_."


    THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES.

Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing a wherry on the Thames,
with all the power and skill of a waterman, observed, "Your grace is
certainly prepared for the worst extremities, for by your _skull_ you
could always keep your _head above water_."


    BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN.
    _Simplicity_ v. _Wit_.

A country booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson
peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of
wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr.
_Wise-acre_!"


    DENNIS THE PUNSTER.
    _Tria juncta in uno._

Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, and was famous for his
puns, was once ridiculed for it in a copy of verses by three gentlemen,
whose names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall; he answered them in
the following manner: "If _Good_ be the better half of thy name, it is
so little in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in conjunction
with thy friend _John_, thou hast helped to make such a noble copy of
verses that they ought to be engraven on _stone_. I would have given
steel the preference, if a certain person did not _Mar_ your works, so
_shall_ say no more of the matter."




           W. R. V.-ANA.

    THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER.

    "A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."


[There are very few literary persons in London, at least among those
connected with the public press, who have not occasionally enjoyed the
pleasant, _punning_, conversational powers of my friend W. R. V. whose
whim, wit, and great good nature are not more esteemed, than his
unaffected manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle him to.]


Some one observed, "_Matches_ are made in Heaven." "Yes," answered he,
"and they are very often _dipped_ in the other place."

Two men contending at a tavern upon the point of who wrote that
beautiful song on Ingratitude, "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind!" one said
Ben Jonson; the other said Shakspeare. R.V. to adjust their
differences, observed, "They must have written it between them, for each
was _a-verse_ to ingratitude."

A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name of the nobleman who was
shut up in a tower and starved to death, applied to the
punster--"_You-go-lean-O!_" was the reply.

"A tailor is the _ninth part_ of a man," observed a would-be-wit, in the
presence of a knight of the sheers: "But," answered R.V. "a fool's _no
part_ at all."

"He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed an old cynic. "You speak
from _experience_," was the _stopper_ to this _vinegar cruet_.

Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole tavern, took the Bell Inn
at Hammersmith: R.V. hoped that as he had so long answered the _bell_,
the _Bell_ would now _answer_ him.

One asked him what works he had in the press. "Why, the History of the
Bank, with _notes_; the Art of Cookery, with _plates_; and the Science
of Single Stick, with _wood cuts_."

A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when he entered London, put up at
Grillon's hotel. "I am surprised at that," said he; "his father took his
_chop_ at _Hatchett's_."

A barber recommended him his aromatic essence for the improvement of his
hair. "No, no; don't waste your fragrance on the _desert hair_."

A friend remarked of a gentleman with very large curly whiskers, that he
said nothing. "Poor fellow; don't you see he's _lock-jawed_?"

"How well you put on your cravat," said a crony: "that _tie_'s something
new."--"Yes; it's a _novel-tie_."

He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by observing, "I should not
like to go up in a balloon with you, for fear of our _falling out_."

Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work of his from the press
to his bookseller, "Dear me!" he exclaimed, "what a _weight is off my
mind_."

"What a swell you are in your new frock coat," said a quiz to him one
day. "Don't you like it?--I do: indeed I'm quite _wrapped up in it_."

The same person meeting him one day in the city, observing he had on a
new waistcoat, asked if it was a _city cut_. "No," answered he, "it's a
_west-cut_."

Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a wine glass: the waiter, in
bringing it, inadvertently let it fall--"Zounds! I did not ask you for a
_tumbler_!"

Sitting in company with one of those people who find fault with every
thing, good, bad, or indifferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the
old fellow. "True, true; we have nothing _new_ or _good_ now-a-days:
Waterloo bridge is a _catchpenny_, Herschell's telescope _all my eye_,
the steam engine _a bottle of smoke_, and the safety-coach _a complete
take in_."

Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learning was _pabulum
animi_, food of the mind. "Yes," replied he, "and that's the reason, I
suppose, the collegians wear _trencher_ caps."

On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, the wind was so
boisterous as to blow off his foraging cap, greatly inconveniencing him:
a brave officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood near,
presented His Majesty with his own, which the King graciously accepted,
and wore until he got to his carriage. This drew from him the following
impromptu:

      "Whether in peace or war,
         If hostile dangers frown,
       It is the soldier's care
         To guard his Monarch's _crown_."

He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever work to a certain
nobleman, notorious for his stupidity. "My book wanted a _title_," was
the reply. "Oh!" he observed, "but it might otherwise have been
_peer-less_."

On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating the affair that deprived
him of his rank as General being lost, he lamented it as very hard that
they should refuse him "_even a major-ity_."

Being proposed a member of the Phœnix Club, he asked when they
met:--"Every Saturday evening during the winter."--"Then," said he, "I
shall never make a Phœnix, for "_I can't rise from the fire_."




[Illustration]




        NORBURYANA[21];

        CONTAINING

A RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORBURY'S
        _BEST PUNS_,

     Pure as Imported.

     THE PUNNING LAWYERS.

     The counsel archly crack their joke
     On every word the witness spoke;
     The Jury, laughing, like the fun,
     And Norbury sums up with a _Pun_.

[21] Many of these whims have never before appeared in print.


A good _Pun_ has, from time immemorial, been quite as admissible in our
courts of law, as a good _plea_; and not unusually has proved successful
with the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely to the more
weighty arguments of _precedents_ and _rejoinder_, would only have
produced a temporary suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's
talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon all occasions as
clear as his judgments are sound: scarcely a packet of Irish papers
arrive in the sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the humourist is
after the last _good thing_ of the Chief Justice's; and, if he fails to
encounter a _new pun_, he retreats homewards like a city sportsman,
without _game_ for the morrow; for _pun-less_, he is quite as miserable
as if he was _penny-less_; and if he cannot _crack_ a new joke at the
club, he is like to go _cracked_ himself with vexation in consequence.

It is one of the evils attending eminence in any art, that many loose
performances will be attributed to genius, for the sake of notoriety,
which would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented individual
under whose cognomen they are surreptitiously launched forth into public
life. Every new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether invented in the
_Four Courts_ of Dublin, or at the midnight orgies held in the _broad_
and _narrow Courts_ of London, at the Fives _Court_ or the Tennis
_Court_, the King's _Court_, or the _Courts_ of law and equity, are all
heaped upon the _great original_, Lord Norbury; who has, in consequence,
as many _sins_ of this sort to bear with, as any _criminal_ that ever
appeared before his legal tribunal. In selecting from an accredited
stock, the compiler of this little book has endeavoured to affix to the
_Noble Punster_, only, the _legitimate offspring_ of his _own_ creation;
or at least such, if any one has stolen in, as may not disgrace his
witty family.


    LORD NORBURY'S MOTTO

Is, "_Right can never die_;" then, said his lordship, punning thereon,
"_right_ must be _left_ for ever."


    AN AMOROUS PUN.

"Who is that lovely girl?" exclaimed Lord Norbury, riding in company
with his friend Counsellor Grahaarty. "Miss Glass," replied the
barrister. "_Glass!_" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love which
man bears to woman, I should often become intoxicated, could I press
such a _glass to my lips_!"


    THE JOKER'S RETORT.

The numerous and severe animadversions on Lord Norbury in the Imperial
Parliament, only afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supplemental
criticism, viz. "That the English Broom (Brougham) wanted an _Irish
stick_ to it;" an appendage which, in the early part of his Lordship's
career, he certainly would have been very ready to furnish.


    PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE.

The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the appellation of _Bully Egan_,
from his rough courage, got into the Irish parliament during the
administration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and joined with the
Whigs of that day in a most outrageous opposition to the administration
of the noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when the opposition
succeeded in voting the unlimited regency of Ireland to the Prince of
Wales. The Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without beat of
drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of the political field. Not
content with this retreat, the Whigs continued to pelt the character of
the noble Marquis, by way of _post obit_, and to heap all those
maledictions upon his administration, when defunct, which they had so
indefatigably done while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the
course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in his speech an
episode, in which he proposed, "Now that the Marquis was politically
dead, to _pencil_ his epitaph;" and this he did in such coarse and
ponderous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord Norbury, in his reply,
termed this effort of Egan, _penciling with a pickaxe_.


    TIME AND ETERNITY.

On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner who had been convicted of
privately stealing a _time piece_, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the
enormity of his crime, concluded a very impressive speech by observing,
that he had been _grasping_ at _time_, and caught _eternity_.


    THE CANAL AND LOCKS.

Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was possessed of considerable property
in a distant part of the country, and in whose welfare he had taken
great interest, particularly during the progress of a bill through
parliament for draining her lands, he accosted her, "Ah, my dear Mrs
G----, how d'ye do?--how goes on your _water ways_?--I must come and
take a view of your little _canal_ and _locks_."


    DROPPING THE SUBJECT.

A man having been capitally convicted before Lord Norbury, was, as
usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass
against him--"Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried
far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better; so if
you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject." "The _subject_ may
_drop_," replied his lordship.


    JAM SATIS.

A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie made of raspberry jam,
inquired if he would have some more fruit? "_Jam satis_," replied the
punster.


    THE CRITICS CURTAILED.

"Lord Byron calls his abusers _dogs_," said a friend to Lord Norbury;
"No doubt he wishes them and their censures _cur-tailed_," was the
reply.


    SHAKE-SPEARE.

Riding one day with a friend of the name of Speare, whose horse appeared
to jolt him very much, his Lordship could not help observing it. "He is
young, and awkward in his paces, but may mend," said Speare. "By the
bye, my Lord, I want a name for him." "It must be _Shake-speare_, then,"
retorted his Lordship.


    KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS.

Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of Dublin, declined, through
prudential motives, from giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast,
so offensive to the King James's party. James, the next Lord Mayor, was
not so particular, but gave it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who
was present, could not help observing, "You are no friend to
_King_,--_James_."


    CURLED HAIR.

Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, the mattrass-maker in
Sackville Street, Dublin, who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with
her on having so long delayed sending home his order: "Sure your
Lordship," said the good woman, with great _naiveté_, "there's _no
curled hair_ to be had now in Dublin, neither for _love nor money_." "By
the powers above," replied his Lordship, looking amorously, "but it was
very plentiful in this city, Mrs. O'Connor, when I was a _curly boy_."


    TRIAL OF A HORSE.

Late on a Saturday evening, as Lord Norbury had concluded charging the
jury, after a laborious and long trial, when they retired to make up
their verdict, a barrister got up to make a motion respecting a horse,
that had been returned to a jockey for not being sound. His lordship
complained of his being much tired after the business of the day, and
begged they would postpone the business till Monday. The lawyer, anxious
to push forward the business, said it would only occupy him a few
minutes to _try it_. His Lordship rising, said in his usual dry way:
"Gentlemen, to-morrow is a holiday; you will have time and leisure to
_try the horse yourselves_."


    A DRY WIPE.

Lord Norbury being in company with some lawyers, was asked, had he seen
a pamphlet that was written by O'Grady, in which he was reflected on?
replied, "Yes, yes, I took it to the water-closet with me." When told
who was the author, he replied, "Ha! I did not think my friend Grady
intended me such a _wipe_."


    HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE.

Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled with a determination of
blood to the head. Surgeon Carrol accordingly opened the _temporal
artery_; and whilst attending to the operation, his Lordship said to
him, "Carrol, I believe you were _never called to the bar_?" "No, my
Lord, I never was," replied the surgeon.--"Well, I am sure, Doctor, I
can safely say _you have cut a figure in the Temple_."


    THE GAME JOKE.

On being informed, last autumn, of the elopement of Mrs. Moore, whose
maiden name was Woodcock, Lord Norbury said, "Then we must look out our
_fleecy hosiery_."--"Why so, my Lord?" "Because it is an unerring
symptom of a sudden, long, and severe winter to see, so early in the
season, the _Woodcocks forsake the Moors_."


    MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED.

Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth
riding on horseback in the Phœnix Park, took occasion to admire the
beauty of their horses: "The gift of His Majesty," said her Ladyship
artlessly: "and Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present."--"Then I
understand," said Lord Norbury, "His Majesty _mounts you both_."


    A SPORTING PUN.

A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lordship some extravagant feat
in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before
breakfast.--"Thirty-three _hares_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "Zounds,
Sir! then you must have been firing at a _wig_."


    THE FEMALE LINGUIST.

A report having reached his Lordship that a female pedant, who was well
known as a blue stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he
observed, "He could answer for her disposition to _conjugate_, but
feared she would have no opportunity of _declining_."


    HOPE AND JOY.

At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an eminent attorney, being
employed as agent in a certain cause, apologized to the court for the
absence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it would delay for a
few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who was engaged in another court, would
return. Some time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the bar,
saying, "Gentlemen, I think we had better proceed with the business of
the day--although

    '_Hope_ told a flattering tale,
      That _Joy_ would soon return.'"


    A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD.

A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, in a manner not pleasing
to him, turned to an acquaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that
he did not come there to be _queered_ by the old one. Lord Norbury heard
him, and instantly replied in his own _cant_, "I'm _old_, 'tis true, and
I'm _rum_ sometimes--and for once I'll be _queer_, and send you to
_quod_."


    A LATE DINNER.

Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, when Mr. Toler. His dinner
hours were late, which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler was going
to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran walking towards his house,
said, "Do not forget, Curran, you dine with me to-day." "I rather fear,
my friend," replied Mr. Curran, "it will be _so long first_, that you
may forget it."


    CUT AND COME AGAIN.

In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was plaintiff, and Mr.
Allpress of Abbey-street, defendant, before Lord Norbury and a special
jury, Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one or two more very
fat barristers were employed for the defendant. The opposite bar were
remarkably thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Pennyfather, &c.
Mr. Johnson, in defending his client from paying a penal rent, in the
heat of argument said, "My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the opposite
party stand forth like Shylock in the play, with their knife
outstretched _to cut from us_ the very pound of flesh!" Lord Norbury
very tritely interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, "Mr. Johnson,
the opposite bar perhaps conceive you _can spare it better_."


    A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED.

When it was told to Lord Norbury, that sentence of transportation to
Botany Bay was passed upon the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been
detected in clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry-room
table, after the collection for the Charity Schools of St. Michael's
Church, in November 1819, he jocosely replied, "that he thought it very
hard, as it was no uncommon thing to have _note takers_ at all such
public meetings."


    CLOSE SHAVING.

The Persian Ambassador having, among other public places, visited the
Irish Courts of Justice, in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court
of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business was suspended for a
short time, to view so extraordinary a personage, he being fully dressed
in the eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had retired, one of the
Judges asked Lord Norbury what he thought of him, his Lordship wittily
replied, "he might be a very _clever man_, but he was certain he was not
a _close shaver_."


    THE RACKET COURT.

The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so decorous and attentive
as they should be. During the examination of a witness, Lord Norbury
had occasion once or twice to request silence; when the man, in a reply
to a question from his lordship relative to his occupation, answered
that "he kept a _racket court_." "Indeed," said the judge, and looking
archly at the bar, continued, "and I am very sorry to say that I am
Chief Justice of a _racket court_ much too often."


    POT LUCK.

A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very irritable, had a party of
vocal and instrumental friends on a particular evening in every week at
his own house; when some wags, more desirous of promoting discord than
harmony, used to assemble under his windows, making the most hideous
noises, or in the Irish phraseology, "_giving him a shaloo_," upon which
the amateur dislodged the contents of a certain chamber utensil upon the
heads of some passers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. For
this assault an action was brought and tried before Lord Norbury, who,
in summing up the case to the jury, good humouredly observed, "that the
plaintiffs must be considered in the light of _uninvited guests_, and it
could not be denied that they had been treated by the defendant with
_pot-luck_."


In a humorous trial between the rival managers, Messrs. Daly and
Astley, respecting the right of the latter to perform the farce of "My
Grandmother," at the Peter-street theatre, Dublin, Daly's counsel
stated, that the penalties recoverable from the defendant, for his
infringement of the rights of the patent theatre, would all be given to
that excellent charity the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. Toler, in reply,
observed, "That it was notorious, no man in Dublin had contributed more
largely, _in one way_, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly; and it
was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this action, that he should
send them _the cash_. But," continued the facetious counsel, "although
Mr. Daly's attachment to _good pieces_ is proverbial, we do not choose
that he shall monopolize all the _good pieces_ in Dublin, from '_My
Grandmother_' down to '_Miss in her Teens_.'"


    LORD NORBURY'S EPITAPH.
    SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF

    He's dead! alas, facetious _punster_,
    Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir:
    From heaven's high court, a _tipstaff's_ sent,
    To call him to his _pun_-ishment:--
    Stand to your ropes! ye sextons, ring!
    Let all your clappers ding, dong, ding!
    Nor-bury him without his due,
    He was himself a Toler[22] too!

[22] The Learned Judge's name.




[Illustration]




        PUNNING EPIGRAMS.

    THE SPORTING PUNSTERS.

    Two merry wags, of Cockney land,
    Well known at Rhodes's, in the Strand,
    Where tavern wits choice puns let fly,
    Resolved their dogs and guns to try.
    Dress'd cap-a-pee, in sporting suit,
    With jacket, belt, and net to boot,
    Away they trudge to Hampstead Rise,
    To take the pheasants by surprise.
    And what will strange appear, though true,
    A poor stray'd cock-bird came in view,
    Uprising 'tween the punning elves,
    Who miss'd the bird, but shot themselves.
    Condoling on their hapless gunning,
    They yet could not desist from punning:
    "Ne'er mind, Tom, _peasants_ each we've hit."
    "Why leave the _aitch_, Ned, out of it?"
    "Because," quoth Ned, "I'd fain forget
    The _aitch_ that frets my body yet."
    "Still _pop_ for _pop_," quoth Tom again.
    Says Ned, "I feel a _shooting pain_;
    But then I've heard, those who aspire
    To be good sportsmen must stand fire."
    "Agreed," cries Tom, "and in my head
    'Tis now engraved in _molten lead_."

         _By_ Bernard Blackmantle.


    ON SIR THOMAS MORE, LORD CHANCELLOR OF ENGLAND.

    When _More_ had few years Chancellor been,
      No _more_ suits did remain;
    The like shall never _more_ be seen,
      Till _More_ be there again!


    R.B. SHERIDAN'S EPIGRAM ON PITT.

    The nation is _pawn'd_! we shall find to our cost,
      And the minister since has the _duplicate_ lost.
    We shall all be undone by the politic schemer,
      Who, though "_Heav'n-born_[23]," will not prove a _Redeemer_.

    [23] In the ministerial prints Mr. Pitt was usually so designated.


    ON "RECOLLECTIONS OF LORD BYRON, BY THE
      LATE R.C. DALLAS, EDITED BY HIS SON."

    A mighty DULL ASS is old prosing Dallas,
      And quite as dull and prosing is his Son--
    What! fifteen shillings for the book! Alas!
      No pleasant "_Recollection_"----I am _done_.


    DEAN SWIFT'S BARBER.

Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public house.
"And what's your sign?" said the Dean. "Oh, the pole and bason; and if
your worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of
motto, I have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The
Dean took out his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long
graced the barber's sign:

   "Rove not from _pole_ to _pole_, but step in here,
    Where nought excels the _shaving_ but the _beer_."


    G. COLMAN TO MISS M. TREE,

    _Impromptu, on Miss M. Tree's intended marriage and
      retirement from the stage._

    You bloom and charm us!--still the bosom grieves,
    When Trees of _your description_ take their _leaves_.


    TO CAPTAIN PARRY, THE POLAR NAVIGATOR,

    _On his giving a Fete on board the Hecla._

    Dear Captain Parry, you are right
      To give the belles a levee;
    God grant your _dancing_ may be _light_,
      For oh! your _book is heavy_.


    SAM ROGERS TO CHARLES LAMB.

    _Elia's Pen._

    Says _Elia_, "Zounds, this pen is hard!"
      Quoth Samuel Rogers, "Do not huff;
    But write away, my honey bard,
      You soon can make it _soft enough_."


    FRI _v._ DAY.

    _Good Friday_ rain'd, _Sam Rogers_ dined
    On soles, for fish were all the go;
    And Sam allowed the _Fri_ was _good_,
    Although the _day_ was but _so so_.


    TO THE LATE MR. COUTTS.

    _Written at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke of
      Gordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by the
      Marquis of Huntley._

    An _apple_, we know, caused old Adam's disgrace,
      Who from Paradise quickly was driven;
    But yours, my dear Tom, is a happier case,
      For a _Melon_ transports you to heaven.


    TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOW.

    Her mourning is all make-believe;
      'Tis plain there's nothing in it;
    With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve,
      The while she's laughing in it.


    IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE,
      ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE.

    'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain;
    For he never knew pleasure who never knew _Payne_.


    TO C.J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGE.

    God's noblest work's an _honest man_,
      Says Pope's instructive line;
    To make an _honest woman_, then,
      Most surely is divine.


    TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORY.

    You _move_ the people, when you speak,
    For one by one, _away_ they sneak.


    COWPER'S HOMER.

    _Any-mad-versions_ when like this I see,
    _Animadversions_ they will draw from me.


    TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDAR.

    _With his Lordship's night-cap, that caught fire on the
      Poet's head, as he was reading in bed at Merton._

    Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire,
      For I wish not to keep it a minute;
    What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire,
      Is sure to be instantly in it.


    ON THE COUNTESS OF B----, WHO WAS RUINED AT
      THE GAMING TABLE.

      _Card-table epitaph._

    Clarinda reign'd the queen of _hearts_,
      Like sparkling _diamonds_ were her eyes;
    Till by the knave of _clubs'_ false arts,
      Here bedded by a _spade_ she lies.


    ADAM AND MACADAM.

      "The Macadamized streets are extremely _dusty_."--
          _Morning Paper._

    Adam was made of borrow'd dust;
      So says the Bible; and, 'tis plain,
    Macadam, to discharge the trust,
      To dust turns all the _ways of men_.


    THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIAN.

      _A hint to clever men employed on such occasions._

    "Poor Peter Pike is drown'd, and neighbours say
    The jury mean _to sit on him_ to day."
    "Know'st thou for what?" said Tom.--Quoth Ned, "no doubt
    'Tis merely done _to squeeze the water out_."


    BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX.

      _Royal Pun-Dit._

    Come, lament, all ye _Rogers_, of punning renown,
      Whose praises are sung by the[24] Puss sex,
    For the pun of all puns that enraptures the town
      Is the last by his big Grace of Sus-sex.

    In dispensing last week the Dispensary toasts,
      And telling the names of its Patrons,
    He stumbled on two, of whom Watling Street boasts,
      No matter if spinsters or matrons.

    First came Mrs. Church, and then came Mrs. Bliss:
      Said his Grace "Were such joys ever given!
    We enter the first--for the way we can't miss:
      We enter the second--'_tis Heaven_!"

[24] Puss, a domestic animal--allegorically a mature spinster--_a
tabby_.--Johnson.


    TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF "BRUTUS."

    Your _prose_ and _verse_ alike are bad,
      Methinks you both transpose;
    Your _prose_ e'en like your _verse_ runs mad,
      And all your _verse_ is _prose_.


    DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSER.

      _The following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Composer,
             for his Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert,
             by his friend Peter Pindar._

    Son of the _string_, (I do not mean _Jack Ketch_,
      Though Jack, like _thee_, produceth _dying tones_,)
    Oh! yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
      And for to-morrow's _treat_, pray send thy _bones_!


    BY LORD BYRON,

      _On Southey's house being on fire._

    Pierios vatis Theodori flamma Penates,
      Abstulit: hoc Musis, hoc tibi, Phœbe, placet?
    O scelus, ô magnum facinus, crimenque deorum,
      Non arsit pariter quod domus et dominus.

        _Martial_, Lib. xi. Epig. 94.


    The Laureate's house hath been on fire! the Nine
    All smiling saw that pleasant bonfire shine:
    But, cruel fate! Oh damnable disaster!
    The house--the house is burnt, and not the master!


    GEORGE TIERNEY, M.P.

      _The Inclosure Bill._

    If 'tis a crime in man or woman,
    A goose to pilfer from a common;
    What can a parliament excuse,
    To steal a _common_ from a _goose_?


    ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE,

      _A lady remarkably short in stature._

    Thrice happy Tom--I think him so;
      For mark the poet's song,--
    "Man wants but little here below,
      Nor wants that little _long_."


    ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN
      AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORS.

    His _time_ was _quick_, his _touch_ was fleet,
      Our gold he nimbly _finger'd_;
    Alike alert with _hands_ and _feet_,
      His _movements_ have not linger'd.

    Where lies the wonder of the case?
      A moment's thought detects it;
    His _practice_ has been _thorough-bass_,
      A _chord_ will be his exit.


    SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOM.

    A father and son much addicted to drink,
      Sat each quaffing his grog with high glee;
    Said the parent, "Why, Tom, thou dost drink mighty deep,
      Though you'll say that you take _after_ me."

    "No, _father_," cried Tom, "I will never say so,
      Nor _do_ so, I hope, by St. Paul;
    For, 'tis certain, that if I did _take after you_,
      I should drink _scarcely any at all_!"


    BY LORD HARBOROUGH.

    If _Love's_ a _flame_, as ancient poets prove,
    Ah, me! how _cold's_ the _fire_ of my _Love_.


    ON A PAINTED FAIR.

    Ye ladies who _paint_, may most safely declare,
    With _Horace_, that _dust_ and a _shadow_ ye are.


    CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM.

    An epigram, what is it, honey?
    A little poem, short and funny;
    About four lines in length,--not more:
    Then this _is_ one, for here are four.


    ON A MISER NAMED MORE.

    _Iron_ was his chest,
      _Iron_ was his door;
    His hand was _iron_,
      And his heart was _More_.


    ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE.

      _Written during the O.P. contest._

    _Actor_ and _Architect_, he tries
      To please the critics, one and all;
    This bids the _private tiers_ to rise,
      And that the _public tears_ to fall.


    MAIDS AND BACHELORS.

    Old maids, in hell, 'tis said, lead apes;
    It may be true--but, tarry--
    They're bachelors that fill those shapes
    Because they did not marry.


    ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN
      ARM IN ARM.

    How D.D. swaggers, M.D. rolls!
      I dub them both a race of noddies:
    Old D.D. has the cure of souls,
      And M.D. has the care of bodies.
    Between them both, what treatment rare
      Our souls and bodies must endure!
    One has the cure without the care,
      And one the care without the cure.


    ONE LAWYER MORE.

    "Pray does one More, a lawyer, live hard by?"
    "I do not know of _one_," was the reply;
    "But if one _less_ were living, I am sure,
    Mankind his absence safely might endure."


    PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC.

    In critics this country is rich;
      In friendship and love who can match 'em:
    When writers are plagued with the _itch_,
      They hasten most kindly to _scratch_ 'em.


    DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE
      INNS OF COURT.

    The Society of Clement's Inn having had iron
      bars put up at the entrance to prevent porters,
      cattle, or other nuisances from coming in,--it
      called forth the following lines from a "_fat
      single gentleman_" to the principal and ancients.

    Ye _principal_ and _ancient_ men, attend
      To one of your unfortunate fat lodgers,
    Whose _studies_ make him _lusty_;--oh! befriend!
      Or I shall surely call you _ancient codgers_.

    'Tis true I came here, looking to _the bar_,
      And hop'd to have _a call_ some day unto it;
    But at _your entrance_ now there _many_ are,
      Indeed so many, that I can't get thro' it.

    "_I can't get out_," as Sterne's poor starling said,
      Unless I ask the porter to unlock it;
    This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed,
      Or 'gainst my _corpus_ you must strike a docket.

    This may reduce me to a decent size,
      And let me pass your cursed bars of iron;
    Put up to keep us from the _London cries_,
      Which now your _sanctum sanctorum_ environ.

    For if I can't be _taken in_, 'tis clear
      I cannot be _let out_; and that gives trouble.
    Ye _principal_ and _ancient_ men, oh! hear!
      And let me _pass the bar_--I'm David Double.


    ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY.

    That _Homer_ should a bankrupt be
    Is not so very _Odd-d'ye-see_;
    If it be true, as I am instructed,
    So _Ill-he-had_ his books conducted.


    WALKING FOR LIFE.

    _On a Gentleman bringing on a severe fit of illness, by
      an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his
      health._

    Prithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus your breath;
      'Tis in vain these exertions you make:
    And to "_walk for your life_" against sure-footed death,
      Is the very "_worst step you can take_!"


    A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW.
      _On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which were used
      as wine cellars_:

    There's a spirit _above_ and a spirit _below_,
      A spirit of _joy_ and a spirit of _woe_:
    The spirit _above_ is a spirit _divine_;
      The spirit _below_ is a spirit of _wine_.


    THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH.

    Two musical parties to Bladud belong,
      To delight the _old rooms_ and the _upper_:
    One gives to the ladies a _supper_, no _song_;
      The other a _song_ and no _supper_.


    ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER.

    Though nature thee of thy _right_ hand bereft,
    _Right_ well thou _writest_ with the hand that's _left_.


    PRINTER'S KISS.

    Print on my lips another kiss,
      The picture of thy glowing passion--
    Nay, this wont do--nor this--nor this--
      But now--Ay, that's a _proof impression_.


    TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTER.

    Though much you're scar'd by _Mars_ in _arms_,
      At _fighting_ much _dejected_;
    Yet _Venus_, with her _naked_ charms,
      Has seen you--More-affected.


    THE FOUR AGES OF WOMAN.
      _From the French._

        Woman is
    In infancy a tender flower,
        Cultivate her;
    A floating bark in girlhood's hour,
        Softly freight her.
    A fruitful vine when grown a lass,
        Prune and please her;
    Old, she's a heavy charge, alas!
        Support and ease her.


    THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENER.
      _On a Lady far advanced in years, who was a great
      Card-player, having married her Gardener._

    _Trumps_ ever rul'd the charming maid,
      Sure all the world must pardon her;
    The destinies turned up a _spade_;
      She married John the _gardener_.


    THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLE.
      _The Lamb and the Horse being their Insignia._

    The _Lamb_, the lawyer's _innocence_ declares;
    The _Horse_, their _expedition_ in affairs;
    Hail, happy men! such _emblems_ well describe
    The _specious cunning_ of your _legal tribe_:
    For say what _client_ can expect a _loss_
    From _Lamb_-like lawyers, _fleeter_ than a _Horse_?
    No more let _Chancery's ills_ be _endless_ counted,
    Since on the _Pegasus_ of _Law_ ye're mounted.
    And ye, _poor suitors_! mark your _simple fate_--
    The _shorn lambs_ ye--that crowd the _Temple gate_.


    ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON.

    "Some _demon_, sure," says wond'ring Ned,
      "In Newton's brain has fix'd his station!"
    "True," Dick replies, "you've rightly said,
      I know his name,--'tis _demon-stration_."


    TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINES.

    Ladies! the _stags_ (as wise men say)
      Change _horns_ but _once_ a-year:
    Whereas _your_ stags change _ev'ry day_,
      As plainly does appear.


    ON GRIEVES'S BRUSH.

    Some men _brush_ on, and some _brush_ off,
      And some _brush_ out of sight!
    While _Grieves's[25] brush_ makes thousands _rush_
      To see it every night.

[25] The eminent talents of this distinguished artist have been for a
series of years displayed in the beautiful scenery produced at Covent
Garden Theatre.


    ON THE HYDE PARK ACHILLES.

    If on this pedestal we see
      Our great _Achilles_ and Protector,
    Why then the inference must be,
      He whom he vanquished was a _Hector_.




           EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V.

_On reading that Madame Fodor had endangered her life by drinking
  vinegar to reduce her shape._

    Against Fodor's existence, it may truly be said,
      That custom has raised an unnatural strife;
    For if she gets _fat_--she loses her _bread_;
      And if she gets _thin_--she loses her _life_.


_On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent-Garden Theatre, on the first night of
  the appearance of Miss Dance._

    Piozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first,
      But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant trance,
    And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is just,
      Where _Melpomene's_ self comes to welcome the _Dance_.


_On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely played by
  Miss Tree._

    Where's Ariel? that is, where is _Tree_?
      Whose voice and form so truly suit in't;
    Surely the public must agree,
      The Manager has put his _Foot_ in't.


_On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and on the next
  throwing out a Toll for passing Blackfriars Bridge._

    England's friendly to all, let folks say what they will,
    From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover;
    Her _Commons_ first passed the Catholic Bill,
    And the very next day vote for the _Pass over_.


_On reading that Captain Parry embarked on board the "Fury" Discovery
  Ship early in Passion Week._

    Parry's _rage_ for discovery exceeds all, no doubt,
    For both captain and crew in a _Fury_ set out;
    But still some excuse will appear for this freak,
    When we learn the affair took place in _Passion_ week.


_On reading in the Paper a supposition that Shakspeare was lame._

    That Shakspeare was _lame_, from his sonnets you'd gain,
    But _halt_ ere such men with _weakness_ you're branding;
    An abler _hand_ never guided a pen,
    And his works plainly show he'd a strong _understanding_.


    ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE;

_The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and not as heretofore
  George IV. with a laurel wreath._

    Pistrucci, in thine art divine,
      Thou never wast more clever;
    Long may the _laurel_ mark our Sovereign's line,
      But may the _I.V._ never!


    IMPROMPTU

_On Captain Fitz-Clarence's life being preserved by the interposition of
  Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the Conspirators in Cato Street._

    When war destruction on the soldier deals,
    Some seek from death a refuge in their heels;
    E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife,
    We find indebted to his _Legge_ for life!


    MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT.

    Jack from his box surveys the house around,
    Views in the pit a friend with glass erect,
    Whose rusty coat with many a gaping wound
    First draws the cut oblique, and then the cut direct.

    "How now," cries Will! (whilst all around him heard),
    "Cut an old friend! why, Jack, what are you after?
    Oh, oh, the coat! 'pon honor that's absurd;
    Charles is so droll, I've _cracked my sides with laughter_."


    TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL.

    That U follows Q
    Is not always true;
    When your pigtail I view,
    Then _queue_ follows _you_.


    ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING
      THE LATE RAINS.

    When British flags triumphant scour'd the main,
    Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain;
    But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags.
    Oh that the main would scour the British flags!


    TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN."

    If wit and elegance combined,
    With harmless satire glowing,
    Can gain applause, or charm the mind,
    It is to your _Pen-owing_.


    ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART.

    When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose;
    With a "Deluge" of music the house overflows;
    His (Boxer) _Bochsa beats time_, who's forced to impart
    Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's _Smart_.


    A SNEER ANSWERED.

    "Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill,
    "Give me a _bon mot_ if you will."
    "A what? a _bon mot_! how absurd!
    Whoever gave you a _good word_."


    A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG.

    Here _lies_, who living never _lied_,
    A friend sincere, of courage tried;
    No slave to wealth, to vice unknown,
    Though oft reduced to _pick_ a _bone_.
    _Patch'd_ was his _coat_, both _red_ and _white_,
    And _shaggy_ too his outward plight;
    Yet grateful still his master serv'd,
    And from allegiance never swerv'd.
    A sportsman true, who at a word
    Would _point_, and oft bring down his bird:
    Or _fetch_, or _carry_, _hunt_, or _find_,
    Whate'er was of the feather'd kind.
    "By no disease--no blast he fell,
    "But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well,
    "Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time,
    "As clock that can no longer chime:"
    Here Carlo stopp'd--for want of breath,
    Outrun at last by Nimrod death.
                       Bernard Blackmantle.

[Illustration]




                  THE

            PUNSTER'S COURT;

                  OR,

     THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN.

          VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT.

 _For Illustration, see Vignette to Title._


    Great Plato and Homer, and half a score sages,
    Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages,
    Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek,
    That _Puns_ were esteem'd both by _Hebrew_ and _Greek_:
    Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun,
    And their merriment owed to the mirth-making _Pun_.
    There's Buxtorf, a learned _Chaldean_, hath told,
    That Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus, of old,
    Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city,
    To propagate _punning_ and make the folks witty:
    And so well did the priests with the people succeed,
    That their _Puns_ were collected, and thus 'twas decreed;
    "In a temple devoted to _punning_ and wit,
    "In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ;
    "'The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'"--
    Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole.
    Here Janus contended with Pan for the throne,
    When his _double-faced_ godship unrivalled shone;
    For no matter how wittily Pan _punn'd_ away,
    Janus turn'd round his head from the "grave to the gay,"
    Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder,
    Decided for Janus's double _entendre_.

        Bernard Blackmantle.




            PUNS

   FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;

             OR,

_JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR._

    "Touch but his _gunpowder wit_ with a merry _fire_, and
    you shall instantly hear a good _report_."

    "A punster's wit, what is it like?"
      "The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;"
    "Or gunpowder," says merry Mike,
      "Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."


    PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON.

Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a
third came in to _size_, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of
the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his
visitors, said

    "If I bate you an _ace_,
    _Deuce_ take me;
    for it would be-_tray_ a weakness
    in a man who could not _cater_ for himself.
    Therefore _sink_ me
    if you do _size_."


    A NEGATIVE PUN.


"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large
_landed_ property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is
_groundless_."


    A PUN.--THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER.

In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following passage:--_Tu
es_ Petrus, _et super hanc petram ædificabo meam ecclesiam_. The French,
in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a
proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of--_Tu es_
Pierre, _et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise_!!!


    A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN.

An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of
a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite
to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his
uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word
"man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars.
"Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest
_tambour-worker_ I ever met with."


    A BACKSLIDER'S PUN.

A gentleman asked another if he would have a _skait_ on the
Serpentine;--"Most certainly; but I can't trust to my _soles_ and
_heels_: besides, I should lose my character."--"Lose your
character!"--"Aye, I should become a _back-slider_."--"Oh," answered his
friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on _fundamental_
principles."


    AN HERALDIC PUN.

A gentleman employing a porter whose name was _Russel_, asked him
jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of
Bedford's?" "Our _arms_ (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty
much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our _coats_."


    A CANONICAL PUN.

A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman,
crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to
whom he said--"So, Canon H---- is dead!"--"Indeed!" replied the other,
"I was not aware that _cannons_ went _off_ in that way."--"Yes, they
do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the _report_!"


    AN APOTHECARY'S PUN.

"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish
woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband--"_Expect to
ate_, yer honour--no sure, and Paddy does _not_ expect to ate--he's
nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of _mixture_
from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table.


    A BITTER PUN.

An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me,
(said his friend), this is a _bitter cold day_."


    A SMUGGLER'S PUN.

When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was
observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many _Alexanders_.
"Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like _Seizers_,"
(Cæsars.)


    COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN.

Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing _a spot of
grease_ on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a
_Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that's _far-fetched_."--"No,
indeed," says the punster, "I made it _on the spot_."


    A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN.

A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their
several professions; says the _Skullist_, "What we cannot get into their
noddles, we get _out_ of them."--"Yes," says the physiognomist, "God
help the heads _saddled_ with such a theory! for whilst one _galls_,
t'other _spurs 'em_."


    A CITY PUN.

A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion
Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his
_day-book's_ closed, and he's _posted_, I suppose, to his _long
account_."--"By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was
engaged in _book-keeping_ all his life!"


    A PHYSICAL PUN.

A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated
physician--"Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's
always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?"
"Who! why Sir _Ever-hard-Home_."


    A COLLEGE PUN.

A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics,
for the best "_Carmen_" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in
the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better
_carmen_ in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been
"keeping it up" for the last fortnight.


    A LADY'S PUN.

A very agreeable lady of the name of _Riggs_, being one season at
Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one
gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not
more of the _male_ creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being
well _manned_, I am sure we are well _rigged_."


    A COBBLER'S PUN.

A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical
boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where
the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country)
it's been _healed_ lately."


    A JUDICIAL PUN.

One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his
kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no _hog_ can become _bacon_
till he is _hanged_, and then I'll allow your claim."


    A BACCHANALIAN PUN.

A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his
house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I
have been _spinning_ out the evening with my neighbour Freeport."--"And
now (replied the other), you are _reeling_ it home."


    A GERMAN PUN.

A young man of the name of Cæsar having married a young lady called
Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "_Cave, Cæsar, ne tua Roma fiat
respublica_."


    A WHISTLING PUN.

A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father,
who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine
of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father
and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could
scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad,
however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling,
"_Through the wood, laddie_."


    A MANAGER'S PUN.

A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the
author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager)
I fear it is owing to the _piece_."


    THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN.

A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was
brought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine
in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French
measures_ here."


    A CLERICAL PUN.

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "_He was
clothed with curses as with a garment_."--"My good friend (said the
minister), it means that he had _got a habit of swearing_."


    A SELFISH PUN.

A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to
his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger,
as being ungenerous and _selfish_. "And why (said he), would you not
have me _sell-fish_?"


    A GAMBLING PUN.

At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself
_vis-à-vis_ at a table _d'écarté_, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had
turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M. de S. to
whom the circumstance was related, "this time, at least, he knew whom he
had to _deal_ with!"


    A STAYMAKER'S PUN.

A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his
miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that have
_stayed the stomachs_ of thousands!"


    CLERICAL PUNS.

At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister,
as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam
and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text,
"_Adam_, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the
congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon
these words, "_Lo!_ here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him
the appointment.


    HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE.

Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over
his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red
with vexation as a _Turkey Cock_." The other, thinking to wound his
feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to
say Mr. Tooke had quite forgotten who his father was?" "Oh! no indeed,
I have not," said Tooke, "he was a _Turkey Merchant_, (i. e. a
_Poulterer_.)"


    A JOE MUNDEN.

It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs.
Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for _Byam-House_, Munden
exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds to _buy-a-mouse_!
What the devil will the woman do next?"


    PARISIAN PUNS.

1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of
France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing
to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into
the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in
order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of
Paris made this pun--"_Il donnoit Sedan_ (ses dents) _pour sauver sa
tête_."

2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and
particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed
foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal,
vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to
display her figure to advantage; but unluckily one of her feet peeped
out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal,
exclaimed, "_O le vilain Pie-de-stal!_"

3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to
the Ottoman _Porte_, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to
the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused
to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of
Paris to observe, that he was still "_ambassadeur à la Porte_."


    COMMERCIAL PUNS.
      FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL," "_English Spy_."

"I don't see the _bee's wing_ in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are
_bouncing_ about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No,
sir," said the humourist, "it is not to _be_ seen until you are a _deal_
higher in _spirits_; the _film_ of the _wing_ is seldom discernible in
such _mahogany_-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like _rose-wood_
at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as _red_ as
_logwood_, or as _black_ as _ebony_, if you will but do justice to the
bottle," was the reply. "There is no being _cross-grained_ with you,"
said the timber-merchant. "Not unless you _cut_ me," retorted
Blackstrap, "and you are not _sap_ enough for that." "Gentlemen,"
continued the facetious wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit,
I shall think we have not met with our _dessert_; and although there be
some among us whose _principals_ are worth a _plum_, there are very few
of their representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my
_reasons_."


    A COCKNEY'S PUN.

A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of
_h_air; "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's
shop_."


    AN IRISH PUN.
      _The two Taymen._

About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and
Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each
other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their
credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph."
An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much
more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than
_patriots_; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour
the meaning round the edge of the coin of "Decus et Tutamen," said she,
"By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are
the _Two Taymen_."


    A SPORTING PUN.
      _Managing the Pack._

A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of
the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his
attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of _dealer_ at a gambling
table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude,
observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he
still _managed the pack_."


    "BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS.

"In the city, while _Currie_ was _Raiking_ together his cash, Sir _John
Lubbock Fostered_ his _Clarkes_; Sir _William Kay_ knew his _Price_;
_Rogers_ felt _Toogood_ to smash; one house in Fleet-street _Praed_ to
get through it; and while another chuckled like a _Child_, the
_Goslings_ were looking _Sharp_ after their concerns--poor _Hodsoll_,"
added the dunce, "was obliged to give up his _Stirling capital_; but
_Stevenson_ knew _his_ partner was worth his _Salt_; _Dorien_, _Magens_,
and _Dorien_, got _Mello_ with rejoicing, and _Jansen_ was never near
being 'done _Brown_;' _Paxton_ and _Cockerell_, according to culinary
custom, sent their _Trail_ to take care of the _long-bills_; and though
_Fry_ might have been in a _Stew_ for a time, he (like the _Smiths_ of
Mansion House-street) soon had his _Payne_ removed.

"At the west end of the town, though _Scott Claude_ up his money at the
moment, he soon began to pay again; _Kinnaird_ said he could _Ransom_
his credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall
declared they had _More-land_ than would settle the claims of all their
creditors; and although _Marten_ expected a _Call_ on _Arnold_, they
were equally steady with the house of _Cocks_ (part-_Ridges_) at
Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability; every
body knows, said the wag, that _Green-wood_ never breaks, and as for
_Thomas's_ in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there,
all was _Wright_."


    A HARROW PUN.

Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon
condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of
_healing the breech_.


    A SOLDIER'S PUN.

The peculiar new mode of _drilling_ the soldiers in St. James's Park,
ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed _quadrilling_.


    A PROFESSIONAL PUN.

Speaking of professions, there must be somebody _in every way_. "Ay,"
replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks
in _one another's way_."


    A MUSICAL PUN.

To make a competent double bass player, it requires a _head-piece_,
while a _wind_ instrument performer wants only a _mouth-piece_ (_i. e._
a reed).


    A BREAD AND MEAT PUN.

A needy adventurer coming to London, who was _very thin_, observed to S.
Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a _little bread_ among the
musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you can _pick up a
little flesh_ at the same time, it will not be amiss."


    A PUN UPON MY HONOR!

A person who was addicted to "pledge his _honor_" upon all occasions,
observed, on looking through the window, "It _rains, upon my honor_."
"Yes," said Taylor, "_and it will rain upon_ MY honor if I go out."


    CLASSICAL PUN.

"Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land
bought on a stipulation to pay the purchase-money a year hence,
resembles an ancient lyric song? Because it is _An-acre-on-tick_."


    A WARM PUN.

"You are never witty," said a friend, "until you are _well warmed_ with
_wine_." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good
sir, that I am to be _well-roasted_."


    THE EXCISE-OFFICE _v._ THE STAMP-OFFICE.

Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to
the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout
of time. Shaw, the leader, began to _stamp_ violently, and said, "Why
don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon
which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of the _Excise
Office_: you seem to be a member of the _Stamp_ Office yourself."


    HARPING UPON A FIGURE.

A professional harpist (who was a very incompetent performer), one night
at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of
his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas the _cutting_ of it.
Foster immediately exclaimed, "Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would
endeavour to _cut a figure_ myself."


    A PUNSTER'S REQUISITES FOR AN M.P.

"To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, "a
man must have the ribs of a _rhinoceros_; to obtain a _good place_ in
the body of the house, the qualities of a _camelion_; to secure a seat
on the _treasury_ bench, he must not fear to _tread-a-wry_. _Opposition_
he must write thus--'_oppo_'-site--_position_; _ministerial,
men-who-steer-well_. _Private bills_ he may quote as examples of
_private punishment_; the _speaker's_ dinners, a _speechless_ banquet,
where every guest leaves _politics_ for _polite-tricks_. To speak _well_
and _long_, you must display _artificial_ feelings, have _leathern_
lungs, a face of _brass_, an _elephant's_ sagacity, and a _lion's_
courage; and, with all these qualifications, you may _perchance_ be
considered _bear_able; without them you are certain to come in for a
_scrape_[26]."

[26] Alluding to the practice of the members _scraping_ their feet upon
the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome.


    A PUNSTER'S APHORISMS.

If you mean to be a _domestic_ animal, never marry a woman of a _wild_
disposition. An _ugly helpmate_, though she may have the wealth of
_Plutus_, and the _virtues_ of an _angel_, can never be considered as a
_lovely wife_. If you would live happily, always _whistle_ when your
wife _whines_ or _scolds_. If she should grow _furious_, take yourself
into the _cool air_, without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes
himself to a _storm_ is sure to get _pelted_. Never offend the ears of a
modest woman by a coarse or indelicate expression: the _fairest mirror_
is stained by a _passing breath_. Never marry a woman for _money_, lest,
obtaining the _honey_, you are stung by the _queen bee_. Never lose an
opportunity for making a _good pun_, when you can do it consistent with
_good nature_, and without endangering the esteem of _good friends_. A
_pun_, to pass _current_, should bear the _stamp_ of _wit_, and be
_struck_ off in the _mint_ of _originality_. A _genuine bad pun_ is not
always a _bad joke_. _Late_ hours make _lazy_ servants, a _loquacious_
wife, and end in making a _long_ purse _light_, a _long_ illness
_heavy_, and _long life_ very uncertain.

    Bernard Blackmantle.


    TARTANI'S DREAM--A TAIL PIECE.

      Blackmantle's labours here, are done,
    Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel;
      Approve each epigram and pun,
    And Bernard proves a merry devil.

[Illustration]




                  A

             PUNNING ESSAY

                ON THE

    ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE,

                 BY

    THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK[27];'

_Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Manuscripts, discovered
  at St. Patrick's Abbey._


    A FRAGMENT.

[27] This highly celebrated little book, it will by some be remembered,
was written to ridicule Sir John Carr's 'Stranger in Ireland;' and a
more happy, witty, original, and pleasant satire, is not to be found in
the English language. The book is now _out of print_, and only to be met
with in the libraries of the curious. Had I any reason to suppose that
the author (Mr. Dubois), would have republished his work, much as I
should have had to regret the loss of these articles here, I certainly
would not have taken them to do injury to their own witty and original
parent.

We observe in Homer's _Batrachomyomachia_, that the instant the frog
Calaminthius sees the mouse _Pternoglyphus_, he is so frightened that he
abandons his shield and jumps into the lake: and this confirms our
etymology of the mouse's name, _Turn ugly face_.

In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse called _Lichenor_,
which some, who, like certain commentators on Shakspeare, will always
be running to the Greek for interpretations, consider as signifying _one
addicted to licking_, but here we see the imbecility of foreign
resources, and the great strength of our own. Their explanation is
certainly something near the mark, but for a mouse, how much more
germain to the matter is ours--_Lick and gnaw_? It is true, that I may
have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, but even granting
them the full latitude of understanding by their words, as applied to
our military mouse, that he was _one addicted to licking or conquering_,
yet is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in our
exposition. Besides, it must be remembered that _Lichenor_ was not so
much "addicted to licking" as to being licked, witness the frog
Hypsiboas's running him through the body with a rush. See I. 202.

At v. 244, we have the mouse _Sitophagus_, who like many a soldier of
modern times had recourse to his heels and betook himself to a snug dry
ditch--ηλατο δ'ες ταφον. I had always some suspicion that this
name was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the foregoing
circumstance has, fortunately for the literary world, furnished me with
a conjecture that seems to place the etymology of this coward's title
beyond all doubt:--_Set off again_--his invariable custom on these
occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied the _art
militaire_ in Hudibras, where he learnt that

    ----_Timely running's no mean part
    Of conduct in the martial art._

_Sitophagus_, from _Set off again_, is perfectly within the canon of
_parcè detorta_, which it may not be amiss here to repeat:

"New words are allowable, if they descend," says Horace, "from the
English[28] spring, with a sparing distortion."

[28] Anglo _fonte cadent, parcè detorta_.

So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the passage,
correcting the corruption (_Græco_ fonte) which has so long obtained, to
the injury of truth and good letters.

I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through the whole of the
names of the heroes in Homer's battle of the frogs and mice; nor is it
necessary, for it must be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they
are _all derived from one source_. Such, however, as occur to me
elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very different roots, I shall
notice for the purpose of dispelling the clouds of error, and restoring
the light of truth.

_Pallas._ This word should be written thus _'Pallas_, with an
apostrophe, as in the instance of _'fore_ for _afore_. Its origin then
clearly appears. The goddess was so called on account of the Gorgon's
head on her shield, that had the power of killing or turning into stone,
which was indeed enough to _Appal us_.

In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitled _Stafford's
Niobe_, I find something like an attempt to prove that the goddess of
wisdom acquired the name of _Pallas_ from the _Paleness_ she occasions
in her followers. The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverie
is paleness," which, if allowed to have any etymological bearing, will,
from their date, at once deprive me of all credit for originality in
this department of philology. The learned reader is left to decide on
this nice point.

_Venus_, from _wean us_, as it is even now elegantly pronounced by many.
As the heavenly Venus had that power with the Gods, so has each earthly
one with us, namely, to _wean us_ from all other earthly things, and
hence the undoubted derivation.

Ἡγεμων, or _Egemon_, with the Greeks, meant a general, and is
very evidently borrowed from a vulgar phrase amongst us, most pointedly
significant of the office of a general, with respect to his soldiers,
viz. to _egg 'em on_. It will be observed, that I have sunk the
aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, as in such
instances as the following amongst ours, viz. "_Hi ham_" for I am.

_Macrones_, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I should suppose,
though Flaccus does not mention it, and I have no leisure to turn to
Herodotus, remarkable for their partiality to dress, since the word is
clearly an abbreviated pronunciation of _Macaronies_.

_Celsus._ This philosopher composed a treatise against the Christians,
which having a good sale, one of the Christians, in a merry mood, said,
he _sells us_, and from that moment he bore his present name.

_L. Mummius_, a Roman consul, who acquired his cognomen of _mummius_, or
_mummy us_, from being sent against the Achæans, whom he beat most
unmercifully.

_Boreas._ This wind was long without a name, until the people feeling
its northern blasts exceedingly troublesome, would be continually
crying, "how they _bore us_!" which in time gave rise to the word
_boreas_, or as it was originally pronounced _bore us_. Here we
presently come at the etymology of the verb _to bore_, which has
hitherto baffled all research and made futile every conjecture. It
cannot be questioned that the Persian _Boreus_, and _Borus_ the son of
Perieres, had their names from some such obnoxious qualities as are
attributed to the wind, though we are at a loss to guess what they were,
and are by no means willing to venture an hypothesis that may lead to
indecency. It is worthy of remark, as an astonishing fact, that these
gentlemen are mentioned by Polyænus and Apollodorus, but without a word
in the _Stratagems_ of the one, or in the _Bibliotheca_ of the other,
that throws any light on the matter.

_Philostratus._ A famous sophist, and very liberal and expensive in his
entertainments, from which circumstance his friends very properly gave
him the cognomen of _fill us, treat us_. The penultimate of Philostratus
is short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly excusable
in these cases, and coming assuredly under the description of _parcè
detorta_.

_Mannus._ It is imagined that this divinity obtained his name from
having once undertaken to furnish some _fleet with men_; but from being
a German God, and for other reasons, I confess that I have no great
faith in this etymology.

_Æsymnus._ This anxious politician's consulting Apollo, according to
Pausanias, on the subject of legislation, made the witlings of his time
call the God his nurse, and then in ridicule exclaim _ease him nurse_,
which speaks for itself.

_Bacchus_, or _Back us_; and admirably so called, because he is found
to be the second best in the world, inspiring courage even in a coward.

_Confucius._ About the etymology of the title of this famous Chinese
philosopher, we are much in the dark; but it seems in the greatest
degree probable that he obtained it from being a philosopher of the
modern description, who put every thing into _confusion_.

_Damon._ This poet received his name from a circumstance that attended
his banishment from Athens. When the sentence was brought to him, he
began d--ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the officer, a rough
fellow, said, "Oh, you may _Damn on_ as long as you like, it does not
signify, you must go." And go he did, but still swearing; and the
people, who are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's
observations repeated, nicknamed him _Damon_, or as it was formerly
written and spoken, _Dammon_.

_Alala._ The goddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. Athen. So called
because the moment she took the field on any side, that side had the
battle _all hollow_.

_Æsacus._ He persecuted a nymph so much who did not like him, that she
at last plunged into the sea, and was metamorphosed into a parrot, and
in that state still continued to exclaim, as she was wont, _he's a
curse_, which soon became the lover's appellation.

_Titans._ A title given to the sons of Cœlus and Terra, by Saturn,
when they warred against him. They were at first known as Hyperion,
Briareus, &c.; but when the god heard that they were about to fight with
him, he smiled, and cried, "Ay, ay,--ecod they're _tight 'uns_!" and
this name has distinguished them ever since.

The above word reminds me of an eastern one--ןודבא or
_Abaddon_, which will as indubitably as a thousand instances of _the
like nature_, prove the superior antiquity of the English language over
that of the Jews, as well as that of the Greeks, and it is very
probable, _in an equal degree_, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon
is a name belonging to the devil, and _the most ignorant_ will not
scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its expressive etymology
in _A bad 'un_.

In fine--sunt certi denique _fines_--There have been writers who have
scarcely left Troy or its famous war "a local habitation and a name;"
others go still further, and say that no such man as Homer, the author
of the Iliad, ever existed; and a third party, proceeding another step,
talk of proving incontestibly that there _never were any ancients_. But
one wise man (with whom I am proud to join issue) positively affirms,
that those who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of the
world, and do not deserve the title, but that we who live in this
enlightened age, with all the wisdom of past times at our command, are,
truly speaking, the just and legitimate ancients. This, being
_reasonably_ substantiated, lends its powerful assistance to confirm the
opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native tongue, and I
cannot conclude without indulging the irresistible impulse I feel to
acknowledge, that I have no more doubt than I have with respect to _any
thing yet stated_, that it will ultimately prove to be the _universal
language_.




        EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER,

                 BEING

            RULES FOR PUNNING,

                  OR

     PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS.

              A FRAGMENT.

           "Comitantibus armis,
    PUN_ica_ se--attollet _gloria_."       _Virg. Æn._ iv.


Prefatory remarks on the art of punning--its antiquity from Homer's
_outis_, through Sophocles, Cicero, &c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its
advantages over wit. Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it--a
lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. Puns, on the
contrary, require no wit to make them, nor any to understand them. Prove
this by their well-known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres,
&c. An act to abolish punning would be the destruction of three-quarters
of what are called the _wits_ of our times, and fifteen-sixteenths of
the dramatic writers.

Under these circumstances of fashion and prevalence, a man might as well
go into a gambling house without knowing how to play, as into company
without knowing how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are
necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what Ovid desired to
have said of him, in respect to love, be said of me, with regard to
punning--"_Magister erat._"

In the _rules_ divide thus--puns for every day, in one week, in winter,
spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, in these different seasons, for men,
and puns for women, varied according to the class of life, and the rank
held in the particular establishment, &c. &c.


    MASTER OF A FAMILY.
      _First day--Sketch to be filled up._

_Sunday._--This is a day of rest for all things but women's tongues and
puns--they have none. You go to church, of course, to set a good example
to your family, but let _them_ attend to the parson, you may be
preparing puns against dinner-time, when you expect a party.

The man of the house is nothing without his wife. It is becoming that
she should assist you--she is your _help-mate_. Connive together, and
let her put _leading questions_. Half an hour before dinner--company
come. All very stupid as usual. Mrs. ---- observes, that she fears that
the dinner will be rather late, as she was obliged to take _Adam_, the
footman, to the park, on account of the children. The husband
immediately remarks, that Adam may be _the first_ of men, but he is _a
damn_ slow fellow.

_Mrs. ----._ My dear _Tom_, you deserve a _Cane_ for that.

_Mr. ----._ Ay, if you were _Able_ to give it to me, who am a _host_
to-day. Perhaps you were on the _Eve_ of saying this; well, there's as
much chance in these things as in a _Pair o' dice_.

    (_A general laugh._)

Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I don't know that any
thing more can be made of it.

N.B. Hire no man unless his name is _Adam_, or he will suffer you to
call him so.

Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and Theodore, all punsters,
but this day is devoted to the father. Call your daughter, _Lucy_,
because, if you are a _profound_ scholar, you can frequently bring in
"_luce_ clarior." Your other girl, _Sally_, ran away with an apothecary.
Mrs. ---- will say this, and you'll exclaim, "Ah, Sal _volatile_!"

Invite a poor French priest[29] to your table at these times. He is
always to ask, when your children appear, "_Est ce qu'ils sont tous par
la même mère?_"

[29] The word _Emigré_, which appears in this article as before printed,
would at once destroy the _unquestionable_ right Swift has to the honour
of this MS. for _Emigré_ did not obtain in our language till long after
his death.

When you are to reply--"Yes, I believe they are all by the same _mare_,
but I won't answer for the horse[30]."

[30] This has been given to Foote; but dates decide.

This is not very complimentary to your wife; but it would be a pretty
joke indeed, if a good pun was to be lost for such a trifling
consideration.

If you consult decency too much, there's an end of wit. He who digs for
diamonds must not be over squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs. ---- may say,
"My dear _Tom_, I wish the man would bring up the dinner."

Mr. ----. "_Bring up_ the dinner, my love? Heaven forbid! As Dido says,
that's '_sic sic_,' so so[31]."

[31] Æn. iv. 660.

You must not be too nice, as I observed before.

    (_Mrs. ---- rings the bell._)

    _Enter Servant._

_Mrs. ----._ Is dinner ready?

_Mr._ (_Looking round._)--The _chops_ are, I'm sure.

_Adam._ It is dishing now, ma'am.

    (_A crash heard as if an accident._)

_Mr. ----._ _Dishing_ indeed--I fear it's _dished_.


    _Dinner--all seated._

_Mrs. ----._ Will any body take soup?

_Mr. ----._ What, before grace, you _grace_less rogues. There's no parson
here, I see; though we are not without some of _the cloth_. Well, I'll
say it--grace at dinner is _meet_.

    [A universal laugh. The sight of dinner is a breeder of good-humour.]

    Take care to have the salt-cellars put on the table empty.

_Mr. ----._ Why what the devil's this--no salt!

_Mrs. ----._ (As planned.)--You have _salt_ enough, I'm sure, my dear.

_Mr. ----._ "Ego _pun_ior ipse," Ovid. Very well, very well! my wife is
not a_miss_: but the salt, Adam.

_Adam._ Sir, the house-keeper's gone out, and I don't know where to get
any.

_Mr. ----._ Why an't here four _salt_ sellers?

    [The Frenchman does not understand this, but he is to laugh heartily
    nevertheless.]

_Mrs. ----._ Here, Adam; take this key, and you'll find some in the
store-room, at the top of the house.

_Mr. ----._ _Attic salt_, eh! ha, ha, ha! Well, come let's fall to; this
meat will _keep_ no longer without salt.

_Mrs. ----._ My dear _Tom_, that rich dish will only give you the gout.

_Mr. ----._ Pooh! "Chacun à son _gout_." Why should not I eat it, as well
as another?

_Mrs. ----._ Bless me, how you mangle that duck.

_Mr. ----._ _Mangle_ it, my love. Well, I think that's better than to
_wash and iron_ it; but tell me how you'll have it done, and you shall
find me _duc_tile.

[Many opportunities will offer of making _obscene puns_, but I give no
rules for these; they come naturally to every punster! All I shall say
is, that they must _never_ be neglected.]

Let your cook be famous for pancakes. One of your little boys must
inquire for some.

_Mr. ----._ My dear, this is Sunday; you know we can't have pancakes till
_Fri_-day.

    [Many more puns must be introduced. _Champaign_, _real pain_; _after
    all_ cheese is best, &c.]

The company will, probably, add some, and you may, also, by accident;
however, you'll have this advantage over your friends, that you'll be
certain of all these while you're with your wife, and at home. Your
acquaintance, of course, have _names_, and if they have no other merit,
it's very hard if you can't make something of them in the pun way. Any
blockhead can do that.


    DESSERT.

_Mr. ----._ "Give every man his _deserts_." Shakspeare.

_Mrs. ----._ My love, shall I send you a peach?

_Mr. ----._ Yes, and if it isn't a good one, I'll im_peach_ your
judgment.

By connivance with the Frenchman, he must offer you a pinch of Maccuba
snuff, saying he's sorry it is not better, but his Tonquin bean has lost
its flavour. You then reply--Ay, I see it's one of the _has_-beens.

_Mrs. ----._ Oh! that's too bad.

_Mr. ----._ Why, it's wit at a _pinch_, at any rate; therefore it need
not _make you baw--l_, as if I had got into the wrong _box_.--(_Turning
to the boys._)--What's Latin for goose, eh!

_Boys._ Brandy, papa!

_Mrs. ----._ You'll kill yourself with that vile liquor.

_Mr. ----._ How can that be--Isn't it eau de _vie_?

_Mrs. ----_, at some time, must call for the nutmeg grater.--You take it,
and address your neighbour: Sir, you are a great man, but here is a
_grater_.

The sweetmeats will be praised of course.

_Mr. ----._ All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable woman, I assure you;
but I'm more _not able_ than she is, an't I, my dear?


    _Ladies all rise._

_Mrs. ----._ (_Blushing._)--I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the
bell.

_Mr. ----._ (_Chucking a young lady under the chin._)--Yes, my love, I'll
touch the _belle_.

_Mrs. ----._ (_Going._)--You wag!

_Mr. ----._ No, I think you _wag_, but--(_bowing_)--I _bow_ to you.

The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. They will all have
recourse to their _mother tongue_, and the most ignorant will shine the
most. The master must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make
himself agreeable, and the conversation general[32].

[32] Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies'
retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary, _Swift_ could not help
indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of the
authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a query in a
memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the puns for a _farmer_.
Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him--Pray send _me men to
mow rye_? and he is to return a skull. _Memento mori_--Don't you see?
But query--will _mowing_ rye do for any but _our Irish farmers_?


    THE TEA TABLE.

_Mr. ----._ (_Entering after all the rest._)--Ah! Mrs.----, what I see
you are _at home_ to a t to-night.

_Boys._ Pa, we have had no tea.

_Mr. ----._ "Sine _te_ juventas." That's wrong. It is _right_ that you
should not be _left_ out.

_Mrs. ----_ purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of
which she complains.

_Mr. ----._ (_Handing the sugar basin._)--Well, ma'am, if you do not like
it, you may _lump_ it.

[Miss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in her first
attempt.]

_Mrs. ----._ (_As planned._)--That comes of playing at sight.

_Mr. ----._ At _sight_! Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut
her eyes?

If any thing like serious or sensible conversation should be introduced,
and there's no knowing what some dull fellow may not do, put an end to
it at once with a pun. If he talk of war, suppose he means the _Pun_-ic
war, and say that in your battles you are with Livy--"_Punc_tim magìs
quam cœsim peto hostem." If he speak of the army, look archly at your
wife, and say you expect soon to have a son _in arms_, &c. Should he
mention the Prince of Wales, inquire, which is greater, the DOLPHIN _of
France_ or the _Prince of_ Wales? solving the question immediately with
Juvenal's

        "_Delphinis Balæna Britannica major._"
    Than DOLPHINS greater is the BRITISH WHALE.

Now something about going into _Bed_fordshire and the land of _Nod_ will
wind up what is commonly called a very pleasant day, full of wit,
humour, and repartee. I must not forget to observe, that, if you can add
any _practical jokes_, which lead to puns, and fall _at all short_ of
murder, the treat will be improved.

Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did not know there was
any _harm_. Break his shin--that's _leg_-al. Pull away his chair[33]
when he is sitting down--you've _good ground_ for it. Run your head
against his--_two heads_ are better than one. Overturn the milk-jug on
him--then he's in the _milky way_. So with the urn--then he's in _hot
water_. When he hops about, say he seems in a _lame_-ntable way. Let the
boys knock the candle into some lady's lap--this you may call a
_wick_-ed thing, &c. &c. Intersperse these, with other such amiable
pleasantries as these, and all the fools (a commanding _majority_ in
every _assembly_ in the country), will shout for joy, extol your wit,
and applaud your ingenuity.

[33] _Memorandum._ This joke is recommended, by the _surgeons_, for all
seasons; but, in my _system_, better arranged, it will be proper to
distinguish. In the _winter_, when the carpet's down, you are glad to
bring that affair on the _tapis_. In the _spring_, the _earth_ begins to
_bear_ every thing. In the _summer_, it's "summum jus," because it's
"_summa_ injuria," and the carpet being up, you give him _board_ with _a
deal_ of pleasure, that's _plain_: and in the _autumn_, you allude to
the _fall_. Besides, what does he do in a chair--all flesh is
_grass_--_hay_!

[Illustration]




    LONDON:
PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS.




    CONTENTS.


                              Page
    Dedication to the King,      i

    A Word to the Witty and the Wise,      iii

    Description of Frontispiece,      vii

    Prolegomena on Punning,      1

    Origin of Punning,      19

    Art of Punning, by Swift and Sheridan,      23

    Satire on Sheridan, by Dr. Tisdal,      68

    Dying Speech of Tom Ashe,      72

    A Pestilent Neighbour,      77

    Punning Epistle on Money,      78

    God's Revenge against Punning, by Dr. Arbuthnot,      79

    The Birth of a Pun,      84

    Antiquity of Puns,      85

    Punning on Surnames,      86

    Punning run mad,      90

    Bashful on Punning,      93

    Examples in Punning,      97

    W.R. V--ana,      125

    Norburyana,      129

    Punning Epigrams,      143

    The Punster's Court,      165

    Puns for all Purposes,      166

    A Punning Essay,      183

    Every Man his own Punster,      190




    ILLUSTRATIONS.


                           Page

    1. Vignette to Title--The Punster's Court

    2. The Dance of Wit,      v

    3. Squibs and Crackers, a 5th of November scene,      1

    4. The Androgynos, or Jove's Pun,      19

    5. The Art of Punning,      23

    6. The Lord's Humbassador,      63

    7. The Dancing Punster,      70

    8. The Birth of a Pun,      84

    9. The Bashful Punster,      93

    10. The Magic of Punning,      96

    11. The Punster's Bowl,      97

    12. Lord Norbury and Court,      129

    13. The Sporting Punsters,      143

    14. Death of Poor Carlo,      164

    15. Gunpowder Wit,      166

    16. Tartani's Dream,      182

With Numerous Elegant Vignettes interspersed through the Work.




    TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES


Except for obvious typos and printer errors, which have been corrected
without comment, the author's spelling, grammar, and use of punctuation
are retained as in the original publication, with the following
exceptions:

Page 44. Change cremona to Cremona.
  ... threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a ...

Page 47. Change tory to Tory.
  ... pretends to be a Tory, or ...

Page 52. Correct typo. Change recal to recall.
  ... you may recall a discourse ...

Page 128. Opening quote added in the paragraph ending "_even a
major-ity_."

Page 180. Correct typo. Change, to.
  ... it is An-acre-on-tick.





End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Punster's Pocket-book, by 
Charles Molloy Westmacott

*** 