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  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

  VOL 146

  JUNE 24, 1914.




  CHARIVARIA.


The Cambridge University Boat Club has decided to spend L8,000 in
improving the Cam. There is talk of making it into a river.

       * * *

Says a writer in a contemporary, "Don't live in a houseboat during a
flood." And yet NOAH always declared that he owed his life to having
done so.

       * * *

The gentlemen who formed M. RIBOT'S Cabinet are objecting to being
described as "The One-Day Ministry." They were, they assert, in office
for some hours more than that.

       * * *

The attack on M. RIBOT'S Ministry in the matter of the Three Years'
Service was led in the Chamber by three quite undistinguished
Socialists; and the contest was described succinctly by an unsympathetic
onlooker as "_Trois anes_ v. _Trois ans._"

       * * *

By the way, M. VIVIANI'S Finance Minister is, we see, M. NOULENS. Is he,
we wonder, any relation of M. Noulens-Voulens?

       * * *

The KAISER has commanded that the Colonial War Memorial to be erected in
Berlin shall take the form of an elephant. Presumably it is to be of
Parian marble in order to signify that some of the German colonies are a
bit like a white elephant.

       * * *

A French squadron of eighteen vessels has lately been visiting Portland.
It was perhaps a little unfortunate that Admiral CALLAGHAN'S ship should
have been _The Iron Duke_--but no doubt our tactful officers explained
to their visitors that the vessel had been so named after a wealthy
iron-master who had been ennobled.

       * * *

The report that an airship expedition is being prepared against the MAD
MULLAH is said to have caused keen delight to the old gentleman, as he
has never seen an aeronautical display of any kind.

       * * *

It is now suggested that when Mr. HOBHOUSE took possession of H.M.S.
_Monarch_, he was labouring under the delusion that he was
Postmaster-Admiral as well as Postmaster-General.

       * * *

The publication of _The Best of Lamb_, by Messrs. METHUEN, reminds one
that a literary butcher once complained that LAMB had not been issued in
The Canterbury Poets.

       * * *

Although Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR is severing his connection with _T. P.'s
Weekly_ the name of the paper will not be changed. This sort of thing is
well calculated to confuse and unsettle the public. "T. P. or not T. P.?
that'll be the question."

       * * *

Illustration: _Examining Admiral_ (_to naval candidate_). "NOW MENTION
THREE GREAT ADMIRALS."

_Candidate._ "DRAKE, NELSON AND--I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR, I DIDN'T QUITE
CATCH YOUR NAME."

       * * *

It is denied that the title of our newest magazine--_Blast_--was
suggested by Mr. BERNARD SHAW.

       * * *

"Old Spot Pigs," we are informed, are now being bred successfully once
more. It surprises us to hear this announced as a triumph. One would
have thought that in these days of beauty culture a clear complexion
would have been the desideratum.

       * * *

"If," says a contemporary, "the middle-class girl were regularly
provided with a dowry, the matrimonial enthusiasm of young men would
probably be stimulated." We cannot imagine how people think of these
clever things.

       * * *

Members of the Women's Social and Political Union are, says _The Daily
Mail_, boycotting West-End shopkeepers and stores not advertising in the
Militant organs. However, if the rest of the public will agree to
boycott such firms as do advertise in these organs the matter should
come all right.

       * * *

A warning has been issued to pic-nic parties as to the danger from
adders, which are exceptionally numerous this year. They are apt to bite
if suddenly sat upon, and prudent persons are taking the precaution of
sitting on their plates.

       * * *

"I shall never," writes a journalist in _The Express_, "forget the
shudder with which I saw a very well-known dramatist at a garden party
eating strawberries with his gloves on." We ourselves sometimes have
these sudden sensations, but, unlike the writer, are very prone to let
them slip out of our memory.

       * * *

A dress-designer, we read, went mad one day last week in Paris and fired
a number of revolver shots at the police. To judge by many of the
creations one sees there must be quite an epidemic of mental deficiency
just now among designers of modes.

       * * *

"Bags," we read in a lady's paper, "are going out of fashion." Men will,
however, continue to wear them.

       *       *       *       *       *

From a list of awards at the Horse Show:--

     "Riding Jonies ... Shetland Jones ... Pairs of Pones ..."--_Morning
     Post._

You see the animal they mean.

       *       *       *       *       *

     "Cutter wanted for ladies' and gentlemen's trade; city house; state
     experience, salary."

An ordinary enough advertisement, but _The Irish Times_ imparts a
certain melancholy humour to it by inserting it in the section headed
"Yachts, Boats, etc."

       *       *       *       *       *

  "GRAND NIGHTS."


    O benchers of the various ancient Inns
      At whose so generous tables I have battened,
    Where potions of the best and fruitiest bins
      And fare on which LUCULLUS might have fattened
          Tend to reduce the awe
      Proper to laymen shadowed by the Law;

    How good I find it, full of meat, to sit
      (The while Oporto's juice of '87,
    Served on the polished board with silver lit,
      Heartens me to postpone the joys of Heaven)
          And hear, _remotis curis_,
      The legal jest, the apt _scintilla juris_.

    But most I compliment, with thanks profuse,
      The touch that gives your feasts their crowning savour,
    Whose absence must have marred the duckling _mousse_,
      Ruined the _neige au Kirsch_, and soured the flavour
          Of Madame MELBA'S peaches--
      I mean the pledge upon my card, "No Speeches."

    There's only one I like, and that's "The KING"!
      (I give the text in full--no superfluities);
    Why should I have to hear some dodderer sing
      Praise of the Government (whichever crew it is),
          While some one else endorses
      The obvious merits of our fighting forces?

    If I have dined too well, to-morrow's cure
      Shall be the fine for my excessive feasting;
    But, at the night's tail-end, I can't endure
      A punishment that bores me like a bee-sting,
          Poisoning all the mirth
      That should companion my distended girth.

    For this relief from those who spoil the vine
      (How oft have I refused, O learned Benchers,
    For fear of speeches, other men's and mine,
      The chance of feeding off the choicest trenchers)--
          For this relief I rank you
      High up among my benefactors. Thank you.

  O. S.

       *       *       *       *       *

  HOW THE CHAMPIONSHIP WAS WON.

  (A _Story of 1918._)


The last match of the season was between Kent and Somerset. Kent and
Surrey were at the top of the Championship table, with the following
percentages:--

  Kent             87.51
  Surrey           87.23

Surrey had completed its programme. Thus all depended on the result of
this Kent-Somerset match. To become champions Kent had either to win
outright or to keep their percentage intact by the circumstance of both
sides not completing an innings.

Play was impossible on the first day owing to rain. On the second day
Somerset scored 157. Rain fell again and Kent were unable to commence
their innings till the afternoon of the third day. Obviously they had to
strain every nerve to accomplish two things: (1) to avoid getting out
and (2) to avoid scoring more than 157. At all hazards they must neither
win nor lose on the first innings. They could not win the match. There
was no time. And either a win or a loss on the first innings would lower
their percentage sufficiently to enable Surrey to go to the top. For in
the matter of averages it is better under certain conditions not to have
fought at all than to secure only a portion of the honours.

It was an extraordinary afternoon's cricket. The Kent batsmen were very
careful, but two minutes before time there were 156 runs on the board
and the last two batsmen were at the wicket. If a wicket fell or a
couple of runs were scored Kent would lose the Championship. Strong men
shivered like leaves as ball after ball was steadily blocked by the
batsmen. Red-faced farmers wore their pencils to stumps in explaining
the appalling alternatives. Somerset, in the most sporting spirit, were
trying their hardest. A couple of deliberately-bowled wides would, of
course, have given Surrey the championship, but Somerset were playing
for the honour and glory of defeating Kent on the first innings.

The last two Kent men displayed wonderful nerve. The straight ones were
carefully stopped and every ball off the wicket was left alone. Needless
to say the softest long hop to leg would not have tempted them to hit.

When the bowler prepared to deliver the last ball of the day the very
trees round the ground seemed to stop whispering. It was a good length
ball, very fast and pitched slightly to the off. The batsman raised his
bat, expecting it to fly past the wicket. To his horror it nipped in.
Down came the bat in frantic haste. Heaven be praised! Just in time! The
bat just snicked the ball off. It missed the wicket by an eighth of an
inch and shot away to leg.

Then occurred one of those incidents that men boast of having witnessed,
one of those strange happenings in sport that are recounted to
generation after generation.

The ball had shot away to leg where there was no fieldsman. One of the
slips immediately made after it. The batsmen naturally did not run as
they did not wish to score. But suddenly it occurred to the striker that
it might reach the boundary, that the slip field might not be fast
enough to catch it up, and that, therefore, Kent would win on the first
innings and in so doing lose the championship. The idea flashed across
his mind almost immediately after he had hit the ball, and with a
promptness of action that was really beyond all admiration he dropped
his bat and ran like a madman in pursuit of the ball.

He easily outstripped the Somerset slip, who was rather a stout man, and
fled like a hare after the little red devil that was scorching fast in
search of the fatal four.

Men groaned in the agony of their excitement and women shrieked
hysterically.

On flew the gallant Kent batsman. Nearer and nearer he got to the ball.
He overtook it. He stopped it. Three inches from the boundary he fell on
it and hugged it to his chest. The match was a draw, a glorious draw!
Neither side had won or lost a point. It did not count in the
Championship table. Kent were Champions!

In the mad excitement of the moment no one thought of appealing on the
question of handling the ball or interfering with the field. Moreover
both the umpires had swooned and were being removed on shutters. The
result stood. The hero of the game was carried into the pavilion by two
music-hall agents and a reporter.

       *       *       *       *       *

Editorial Amenities.

     "I have no fault to find with 'Towser,' except that it is very much
     like scores of other dog stories; that is probably why you have
     failed to place it. Have you tried the 'Manchester Guardian'?"

    _T.P.'s Weekly._

       *       *       *       *       *

     "What comes after Home Rule?--Mormons in Germany."

    _Vancouver Daily Province._

Fortunately we shan't mind that.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: "CAPTAINS COURAGEOUS."

       *       *       *       *       *

  MUSICAL NOTES.


The remarkable and altogether epoch-making article in _The Times_ of the
16th inst., on the stimulating effect of the bath on unmusical people,
has already borne notable fruit. Meetings of the Governing Bodies of all
the principal Musical Colleges and Academies were held on the following
day, at which it was unanimously determined, as one of the speakers put
it, to effect a closer synthesis of harmony and ablution. Sir HUBERT
PARRY, himself celebrated in his youth for his prowess in natation, has
offered to present the Royal College of Music with a magnificent
swimming bath; Mr. LANDON RONALD has drafted a scheme for the erection
of a floating bath in the Thames for the convenience of the Guildhall
School, and Sir ALEXANDER MACKENZIE has offered the students of the
R.A.M. an annual prize for the best vocal composition in praise of
saponaceous abstergents.

       *       *       *       *       *

Outside our musical academies the impetus given to musicians and
composers has been equally remarkable. Professor Banville de Quantock,
whose Oriental proclivities are well known, has at once embarked on a
gigantic choral symphony, to words of his own composition, in which the
whole process and procedure of the Turkish Bath is treated historically,
dramatically and realistically in seventeen movements. The title has not
yet been definitely fixed, but it will probably be known as the
_Symphonie Bathetique_, to differentiate it from TSCHAIKOVSKY'S
hackneyed work.

       *       *       *       *       *

STRAUSS is reported by Mr. KALISCH to be engaged on a series of
_Spritzbadlieder_ of extraordinary beauty and complexity, in which a
wonderful effect is produced by the employment in the orchestral
accompaniment of a new instrument called the Loofaphone, which produces
a curious hissing noise like that emitted by a groom when using the
currycomb. Another instrument to which prominence is assigned in the
score is called the Saponola and bears a resemblance to the spalacoid
sub-family of mandrils, which have the mandibular angles in close
proximity to the sockets of the lower cephalopods. The motto of the work
is "_Das ewig Seifige_."

We may further note, as one of the most valuable by-products of _The
Times_ article, the announcement that an international Balneo-Musical
Congress will be shortly held in the Albert Hall, with a view to
discussing the best methods of promoting harmonic hygiene. The arena, we
understand, is to be converted into a vast demonstration-tank, in which
prominent composers, conductors and singers will appear. Miss CARRIE
TUBB has kindly promised to preside. Amongst other items in the
programme we may mention an exhibition of under-water violin-playing by
Mr. Bamberger, and a game of symphonic water-polo between two teams of
Rhine maidens, captained by Herr NIKISCH and Sir HENRY WOOD
respectively.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: THE TRIUMPH OF THE ENEMY.

       *       *       *       *       *

  IDEAL HOLIDAYS.

SOME FURTHER OPINIONS.


_COLONEL ROOSEVELT._--There is no doubt whatever that the best holiday
ground is Brazil. There one can have excitement day and night. When one
is not escaping from a man-eating trout one is eluding a vampire bat. If
the time is slow one can always seek the Rapids. Next to Brazil I should
suggest the offices of the New River Company.

_MR. HOBHOUSE (P.M.G.)._--I know very little of holidays, having to keep
my nose to St. Martin's-le-Grind-stone day and night, but I have thought
that, if I did take a week or so off, I should choose to spend it on the
Post Office yacht, roughing it.

_SIR EDWARD CARSON._--Such time as I can spare from Ulster and my daily
journey to and from London I should like to spend in explaining to
REDMOND the duties of a War-lord.

_MR. FRANK TINNEY (the famous American tragedian)._--Ordinary holidays
is just so much junk. Me and ERNEST don't hold with them. Our idea of a
holiday is to go down town and hear jokes. The more jokes we hear the
bigger stock we have not to tell.

_MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL._--I have often wondered if a busy administrator
might not get a very restful time by steadily refusing to fly.

_MR. ASQUITH._--This talk about the constant need for holidays seems to
me to be, if I may say so, one of the great illusions of the day. The
wise man surely is he who, seated in his chair of office, welcomes every
new complication and perplexity that the moments bring, and in labour
finds the true repose.

_MR. MASTERMAN._--I am spending my own holiday just now very agreeably
in composing conundrums. This is my latest: "Why do I differ from my
trousers?" The answer is, "Because they don't want reseating."

_LORD WIMBORNE._--There is no place for a holiday like Meadowbrook.

       *       *       *       *       *

A set of 12 Elizabethan "Apostle" spoons were recently offered for sale
at Messrs. CHRISTIE'S. Only one actual Apostle (Saint PETER) was
available, but excellent substitutes were provided in the persons of
ALEXANDER THE GREAT, CHARLEMAGNE, JULIUS CAESAR, KING ARTHUR, GUY OF
WARWICK, QUEEN ELIZABETH, JUDAS MACCABEUS and others.

       *       *       *       *       *

     "The fielding was particularly smart and the batsmen could not get
     the ball away, the only hit worth mention for several hours being a
     4 by Tarrant off Bullough."

    _Newcastle Evening Chronicle._

A few more efforts like this and we shall suspect TARRANT of having read
the "Brighter Cricket" articles.

       *       *       *       *       *

     "A wireless message has been received here from the liner, New
     York, reporting that while in a dense fog she was struck a glancing
     blow abaft the bow by the steamer Pretoria.

     The New York was stooping at the time, and the shock was only
     slight."

    _Glasgow Evening News._

Showing the advantage of being caught bending.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: _Sergeant (to new recruit who is grooming his horse very
gingerly)._ "NOW THEN, CULLY, JUST YOU BE CAREFUL 'OW YOU DUST THAT
THERE 'ORSE; 'E'S A DELICATE PIECE, 'E IS, AND 'E SHOWS THE SLIGHTEST
SCRATCH."

       *       *       *       *       *

  "WHEN OTHER LIPS ..."


The most original feature of the Opera-Ballet, _Le Coq d'Or_, given last
week for the first time in England, was the arrangement by which the
actors were excused from singing, and the singers from acting. Chorus
and soloists, dressed uniformly, without distinction of sex, in a
nondescript maroon attire, were disposed on each side of the stage in a
couple of grand stands, from which they saw little or nothing of the
entertainment but enjoyed an uninterrupted view of the conductor. This
left the actors free to attend to the primary business of miming, which,
when it came to the distribution of applause, they clearly regarded as
the most important element in the show.

I look for great things from this new departure. It is rare enough for
an operatic performer to be capable of both singing and acting, or to be
alike beautiful to look on and to listen to. Once we have accepted the
convention by which an actor's lips are allowed to move in one part of
the stage while the sound comes from a totally different quarter, we may
go further and arrange for the singers to be put out of sight
altogether. He (and more particularly, she) might be posted behind some
sort of screen, diaphanous in respect of the vocalists' view of the
conductor, but opaque to the audience. When I think of some of the
rather antique and amorphous _prime donne_ of German, Italian and French
opera, I know that any scheme which would render them invisible and
permit their acting parts to be played by young and gracious figures
would meet with my unqualified approval. It would be necessary, of
course, to consult them first (a task which I would not care to
undertake), and this division of labour would no doubt entail additional
expense, but I am convinced that the pure love of art for art's sake
which is inherent in the nature of all operatic stars and syndicates
would ultimately rise superior to considerations whether of pelf or
_amour propre_.

  O. S.

       *       *       *       *       *

From a catalogue:--

     "WELLS (H. G.) Ann Veronica, a Modern Love Story, cr. 8vo. _cloth_
     (_rather dull_)."

       *       *       *       *       *

  DOMESTIC ECONOMY.


     [Another Husband Housekeeper, supplementing the information already
     published in _The Daily Mail_, reveals the system of housekeeping
     by enforcing which he saves pounds and pounds and pounds a year.]

    When Sunday's heavy meal is done
    Our joint's career is but begun.

   _Imprimis_, undismayed and bold,
    It reappears on Monday, cold.

    And lo! the same on Tuesday will
    Appear again, and colder still.

    The odds and ends we keep in store,
    Divided neatly into four.

    A portion (No. 1) will do
    For Wednesday's so-to-speak "ragout";

    A portion (No. 2) will be
    The gist of Thursday's "fricassee";

    A portion (No. 3) supply
    The pith of Friday's "cottage pie";

    A portion (No. 4) will play
    The leading _role_ on Saturday,

    Entitled, may be, "_a la russe_,"
    Or, better still, "anonymous."

    Thus is economy attained,
    For thus is appetite constrained.

       *       *       *       *       *

  "DRIVEN."

(_With a slight hook to it_).


  I.

SCENE--_The drawing-room of_ John Staffurth, M. P. _Enter_ Staffurth
_and_ Barbara Cullen.

_Staffurth._ Barbara, the doctors have given their verdict. My wife has
only two years to live.

_Barbara._ John, but she looks so well! What's the matter with her?

_Staffurth._ Well, it's a little difficult to explain. But without being
technical I may say that it is--er--not exactly appendicitis and
yet--er--not exactly mumps. Anyhow, it's always very fatal on the stage.

_Barbara._ Two years! John, I'm not quite clear whether I'm _your_
relation or Diana's, or, in fact, what I'm doing in the house at all,
but as an old friend of _somebody's_ may I give you a word of advice?

_Staffurth._ (_looking at his watch_). Certainly, but you must be quick.
I have to be back at the House in five seconds.

_Barbara._ Then, John, give Diana a good time for those two years. Ask
her to recite sometimes, tell her about Welsh Disestablishment, at all
costs keep her amused.

_Staffurth._ (_amazed_). My dear girl, do you realise I'm an Opposition
Member? The Government may spring a snap division on us at any moment.
(_Taking out his engagement book._) Still, let me see what I can do. On
July 15th, 1916---- Oh no, that will be too late. November 25th,
1915--how's that? We might have an afternoon at Kew then if the Whips
don't want me. (_Looking at his watch._) Well, I must be off. Don't let
Diana know she's ill.

[_Exit hastily._

_Enter_ Diana Staffurth.

_Diana._ I listened outside the door! Two years, and he won't even ask
me to recite to him! He doesn't love me.

_Barbara._ He does, he does! But he's one of those men who never show it
till the Last Act.

_Diana._ Well, I know somebody who doesn't mind showing it in the First
Act. (_Goes to telephone._) Is that you, Captain Furness? I've just
learnt a new little piece.... Yes, don't be long. [_She sits down to
play the piano till he comes._

CURTAIN.


II.

_Six months later._

Captain Furness's _rooms, 11.30 p.m._

_Enter_ Furness _and_ Diana.

_Furness._ There, dear, now we can have a nice little supper together.
You do love me, don't you?

_Diana._ I suppose so. I love talking to you on the telephone, anyway. I
can't think what we should have done in this play without the telephone.

_Furness._ And you will come away with me to-morrow?

_Diana._ Yes. (_To the audience_) Oh, I've only got eighteen months----
(_To_ Furness) Excuse me, Philip, this is a soliloquy; would you mind
not listening for a moment? (_He turns away and prepares the supper._)
Oh, I've only got eighteen months more, and I want to _live_! I want to
talk on the telephone to people, and keep on changing my clothes, and
recite--and--and--_Philip_! You _don't_ mean to say those are _marrons
glaces_ you've got there?

_Furness._ Rather. Don't you like 'em?

_Diana._ How dare you? You _know_ the doctors won't let me touch them.

_Furness._ My dear, you never told me what the doctors said to you. What
did they say?

_Diana._ Well, anyhow, they said, "No more _marrons glaces_."

_Furness._ Really, Diana, how could I know?

_Diana._ You ought to have guessed. You've insulted me and I'm going
home. And I shan't run away with you now. (_Picks up her cloak and goes
to the door._) Er--if I _should_ change my mind in the morning
I'll--er--telephone.

_Next morning._

_Furness_ (_at the telephone_). Yes--yes--no, Lorenzo--both ways. What?
Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought it was--is it you, Diana?... You _will_
come? Good.

_Enter_ John Staffurth.

_Staffurth._ Good morning. (_Looking at his watch._) I want a little
talk with you if you aren't busy,

_Furness._ Certainly. (_Handing box._) Won't you begin a cigarette?

_Staffurth_ (_taking out case_). Thanks, I'll begin one of my own.
(_Does so._) Now then. My sister-in-law--or cousin or--anyhow, my friend
Miss--or Mrs.--Cullen, Barbara Cullen, who--er--is still with us, told
me some days ago that you were about to elope with my wife. Is that so?

_Furness._ Yes.

_Staffurth._ Yes. I ought to have spoken to you about it before, but I
have been very busy lately at the House. The Government is bringing in
its Bill for the Abolition of Telephones on the Stage, and it is
necessary for the full strength of the Opposition to be there. As I said
in my speech, any such Bill would, to take a case, ruin Mr. TEMPLE
THURSTON'S new play at the Haymarket, and recent by-elections have shown
that the country was---- However, I need not bother you with that. The
point is that I have at last managed to get away to see you, and I want
to know what it is you propose to do.

_Furness._ I'm going to send in my papers and take your wife away with
me.

_Staffurth._ Ah! Then perhaps before you ruin your career I'd better
tell you what the doctors say about her, She is not----

_Furness_ (_impatiently_). My dear chap, I know. She told me last night.
But it's all right, I don't much care for them myself.

_Staffurth._----not likely to live for more than eighteen months.

_Furness._ My God!

_Staffurth._ That's what we all said several times when we heard it.
Well?

_Furness._ Well, I mean, this wants thinking about. I had no---- My
career--only eighteen months----

_Staffurth_ (_breaking out at last_). You beastly egotist! You think of
nothing but your rotten career. You cur, you hound, you dog! You----

_Furness_ (_annoyed_). Now I warn you, Staffurth, I may only be about
half your size, but I shall have to thrash you severely if you talk like
that.

_Staffurth._ You dog.

_Furness_ (_with dignity_). For the sake of your wife, go before I climb
up you and strike you. [_Exit_ Staffurth.

CURTAIN.

       *       *       *       *       *
Illustration: A THREATENED STRIKE.

_John Staffurth_ .. Mr. C. AUBREY SMITH.
_CAPTAIN FURNESS_ .. MR. OWEN NARES.

       *       *       *       *       *

III.

_The Drawing-room again._

_Barbara_ (_joyfully_). Diana, I've got some exciting news for you.
Guess!

_Diana._ You're going away?

_Barbara._ No!

_Diana._ Oh, well, after all you've only stayed with us six months.
Er--you've got a new dress?

_Barbara._ No.

_Diana._ No; that was a silly one. Er--John's got a half-holiday?

_Barbara._ No. Well, I must tell you! Diana, you're not going to die
after all! The doctors made a mistake!

[_Exit._

_Diana._ Not going to die? But then I don't want to run away with
Philip. (_Rushes to desk and seizes the telephone._) I must let him
know. (_With a shriek_) Help! the telephone's broken! Then I have
nothing to live for. (_She takes out poison from poison drawer._) I
shall count three before I drink. One--two---- Why doesn't John come?
One--two---- If he isn't quick he'll be too late. One----

_Enter_ John _quickly._

_John_ (_looking at his watch._) My darling, I have just time to forgive
you. Let us be happy together again.

_Diana._ But the telephone's broken!

_John_ (_embracing her tenderly_). My darling, I've sent for a man to
mend it.

_Diana_ (_much moved_). My husband!

A. A. M.

       *       *       *       *       *

     "Miss Gluck only arrived in London from New York after a tour in
     America earlier in the morning, and proceeded to Richmond to
     rest."--_Times._

Which she must have wanted after her busy morning.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: _First Visitor from the country_ (_to second ditto_).
"AY, FRED, LONDON'S THE PLACE TO SEE THE SWELLS ENJOYING THEMSELVES THIS
TIME O' YEAR. NOTHING BUT LIFE AND GAIETY ON ALL SIDES."

       *       *       *       *       *

  THE BIG TROUT.


    Pull up the rypecks! Push her home!
        It's roses all the way!
    Let garlands lie on Thames's foam--
        A trout has died to-day!
    Room for the victor--ho, there, room!--
        Who calls the gods to scan
    No halfling of the lilied gloom,
        But that leviathan.

    Anew (with jostling words unstayed)
        We fight it, inch by inch,
    From that first moment when he made
        The line scream off the winch;
    'Twas so we struck, we held him so
        Lest weed had triumph wrecked;
    Thus to his leap the point dropped low,
        And thus a rush was checked.

    O sought-for prize! Full many a day
        The old black punt has swung
    Beyond his stance, in twilight's grey,
        Or when the dawn was young;
    What hopes were ours, what heart-beats high
        Have thrilled us, when he rolled
    Up from the jade-green deep, a-nigh,
        Dull-gleaming as of gold!

    Glide on, ye stately swans, with grace--
        Ye ne'er again shall see
    His headlong dash among the dace
        Beneath the willow-tree;
    Ye little bleak, lift up your heads,
        Ye gudgeon, skip at score,
    The run between the lily beds
        Shall know its lord no more!

    Yet, while th' exalted pulses stir,
        Regret takes hands with Pride,
    Regret for that most splendid spur--
        The Wish Ungratified;
    With hammering heart that bulk I con,
        That spread of tail and fin,
    And sigh, like him of Macedon,
        With no more worlds to win.

    Pull up the rypecks, can't you, Jim!
        It's roses all the way!
    But ne'er another fish like him
        For any other day!
    Room for the victor--lock, there, room!--
        Who calls the gods to scan
    No halfling of the amber gloom,
        But that leviathan.

       *       *       *       *       *

Commercial Candour.

     "Avoid Income-Tax and Death Duties by investing in selected
     Canadian Securities."

    _Advt. in "Times Financial Supplement."_

       *       *       *       *       *

Motto for golfer who has foozled his approach:--

     "I will not stir, nor wince, nor speak a word,
      Nor look upon the iron angerly."

    _King John_, iv., 1.

       *       *       *       *       *

  A LEGAL DOCUMENT.


"There is," I said, "a guilty look about you. You are hanging round. At
this time of the morning you have usually retreated to your fastnesses.
Why has not the telephone claimed you? There is something on your mind."

"No," said the lady of the house airily; "I have a vacant mind."

"Where, then," I said, "is your loud laugh? I have not heard you shout
'Ha-ha,' or anything remotely resembling 'Ha-ha.' Something is weighing
upon you."

"Not at all."

"Yes at all," I said decisively. "You have something to confess."

"Confess!" she said scornfully. "What nonsense is this about confession?
We are not early-Victorians."

"Yes, we are. I insist upon it. I shall be busy with my writing. You
will come and kneel unperceived at my feet with an imploring look upon
your tear-stained face. I shall give a sudden start----"

"And," she went on enthusiastically, "I shall stretch out my hands to
you, and you will raise me tenderly from the floor, and I shall then
explain----"

"That appearances were against you, but that Eugene is really your
brother by a first marriage----"

"And I shall then call for the smelling salts and swoon like this"--she
collapsed in an inanimate heap on the sofa--"and you will rise to your
full height----"

"Yes," I said, "I shall forgive you freely."

"No," she said, "you will blame yourself for not having appreciated my
angelic nature, for having treated me as a mere toy, for having----"

"Yes," I said," for having married you at all. But I shall forgive you
all the same, and I shall present you with the locket containing my
grandmother's miniature. Come on; let us start at once. I forgive you
from the bottom of my heart."

"All right," she said, "I accept your forgiveness. And now that we've
cleared the ground, you'll perhaps allow me----"

"Aha," I said, "then there _is_ something after all?"

"There always is _something_," she said, "so perhaps you'll allow me to
ask you a question?"

"A question?" I said. "Ask me fifty. I don't promise to answer them. I'm
only human, you know, but----"

"Surely," she said, "this humility is exaggerated."

"Anyhow," I said, "I'll do my best, so fire away."

"What," she said, "does one do with a legal document?"

"Isn't this rather sudden?" I said. "'What does one do with a legal
document?' My dear, one does a thousand things. One buys land, or sells
it--which is much better. One gets separated, or, rather, two get
separated; one gets a legacy, generally quite inadequate; one executes a
mortgage, but you mustn't ask me who is the mortgagor and who is the
mortgagee, for, upon my sacred word of honour, I never can remember
which is which or who does what. One leaves one's money to one's beloved
wife by a legal document, or one cuts her off with a shilling and one's
second best bed, like SHAKSPEARE, you know. Really, there's nothing you
can't do with a legal document."

"How on earth," she said admiringly, "did you get to know all these
things?"

"Oh, I don't know," I said. "One learns as one goes along. Men have to
know more or less about the law."

"Tell me," she said; "do you feel paralysed when you see a legal
document?"

"No, not now. They used to make me tremble, but I'm up to them now. I
understand their jargon."

"And frankly," she said, "I don't."

"But that doesn't matter," I said. "You've got a man----"

"Lucky me," she said.

"You've got a man to help you. That's what he's there for--to help you
with legal documents and to have his work interrupted and all his ideas
scattered. But, bless you, he doesn't mind. He knows his place."

"Well," she said, "it's this way. A very dear friend of mine has taken a
house at the seaside, and they've sent her a document."

"A letting agreement," I said.

"I suppose so," she said; "and they want her to sign it; and they say
something about a counterpart which somebody else is to sign."

"That," I said, "is the usual way."

"What I want to know is, ought she to sign her document?"

"Is it the sort of house she wants?"

"The very house," she said. "She's been over it. Lots of rooms; nice
garden with tennis-lawn; splendid view of the sea; drainage in perfect
order; weekly rent a mere nothing. There's to be an inventory."

"Of course there is. It's always done. Does the document embody
everything she requires?"

"Yes," she said, "everything; and they've thrown in two extra days for
nothing."

"In that case," I said, "her duty is clear. She must sign it."

"Do you advise that?"

"I do," I said, "most strongly."

"Thank you so much," she said, "I'll do it at once," and before I could
interfere she had sat down at the writing-table, produced a document,
unfolded it and signed it.

"It is," she explained, "the agreement for letting Sandstone House,
Sandy Bay. They made it out in my name."

"But this," I said, seizing the paper, "is madness. It is not worth the
paper on which it is written."

"I did nothing," she said, "without your advice."

"I shall repudiate it," I said, "as having been obtained by fraud."

"Right-o," she said; "we leave for Sandy Bay on July 28th."

R. C. L.

       *       *       *       *       *

  A SECOND-HAND SERENADE.


(_The modern youth, we are told, is content to hymn his Lady in the
amorous diction of other bards._)

    It is not mine, Aminta, to commend you
      According to your merits. Miles above
    My puny lyre were this; I therefore send you,
      For reference, "The Classic Gems of Love."

    Would I approve your tresses? See p. 7,
      L. 2, for what I frankly think of them;
    Your lips? p. 8; your dimples, p. 11;
      Your teeth and ears and ankles? _ibidem._

    Your kisses? _vide_ JONSON, B., "To Celia;"
      See "Annie Laurie" for the way I greet
    Your neck and voice and eyes (the song has really a
      Trustworthy picture also of your feet).

    But nay! It ill behoves the ardent lover
      To turn your gaze to any single spot,
    In every line, from cover unto cover,
      My passion finds an echo. Read the lot.

       *       *       *       *       *

  "SIR BAT-EARS."


    Sir Bat-ears was a dog of birth
      And bred in Aberdeen,
    But he favoured not his noble kin
      And so his lot is mean,
    And Sir Bat-ears sits by the almshouses
      On the stones with grass between.

    Under the ancient archway
      His pleasure is to wait
    Between the two stone pineapples
      That flank the weathered gate;

    And old, old alms-persons go by,
      All rusty, bent and black,
    "Good day, good day, Sir Bat-ears!"
      They say and stroke his back.

    And old, old alms-persons go by,
      Shaking and well-nigh dead,
    "Good night, good night, Sir Bat-ears!"
      They say and pat his head.

    So courted and considered
      He sits out hour by hour,
    Benignant in the sunshine
      And prudent in the shower.

    (Nay, stoutly can he stand a storm
      And stiffly breast the rain,
    That rising when the cloud is gone
    He leaves a circle of dry stone
      Whereon to sit again.)

    A dozen little door-steps
      Under the arch are seen,
    A dozen aged alms-persons
      To keep them bright and clean;

    Two wrinkled hands to scour each step
      With a square of yellow stone--
    But print-marks of Sir Bat-ears' paws
      Bespeckle every one.

    And little eats an alms-person,
      But, though his board be bare,
    There never lacks a bone of the best
      To be Sir Bat-ears' share.

    Mendicant muzzle and shrewd nose,
      He quests from door to door;
    Their grace they say--his shadow gray
      Is instant on the floor,
    Humblest of all the dogs there be,
      A pensioner of the poor.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: _Harold (who has had the worst of an argument with his
father)._ "ALL RIGHT, THEN, YOU DON'T GET THOSE SIX STROKES I WAS GOING
TO GIVE YOU THIS AFTERNOON."

       *       *       *       *       *

  OUR PERSONAL COLUMN.

(_The New Indigence._)


ADMIRABLE CRICHTON, double Blue and double First at Oxford, weary of
gerund-grinding at a fashionable preparatory school for L500 a year,
charming conversationalist, expert auction-bridge player, is open to
accept partnership in well-established financial house on the basis of
four months' holiday a year and genuine week-ends--Friday till Tuesday.

       *       *       *       *       *

NONCONFORMIST, with open mind on the subject of gambling, but modest
means and conscientious objection to hard work, is desirous of meeting
liberal-minded philanthropist who will advance him L750 to operate
infallible system at Monte Carlo.

       *       *       *       *       *

VIGOROUS YOUNG MAN of titled family, who is sick to death of England, is
prepared to undertake any duties of a sporting kind for unmarried
heiress in America or elsewhere.

       *       *       *       *       *

A LADY, whose income is only L4,000 a year, is greatly in need of a
month's yachting, but cannot afford a yacht of her own and dislikes the
mixed company to be met with on the ordinary advertised cruises. Will
some kind friend be so good as to lend her a yacht and endow it?

       *       *       *       *       *

UNIVERSITY MAN, strong, healthy, in early forties, who has never done a
day's work in his life, but has suddenly fallen on comparative poverty,
wishes to communicate with some person of means willing to save him from
the pain and indignity of having to do without luxuries which have
become second nature to him.

       *       *       *       *       *

=L2,000= WANTED, at once, for speculation by Undergraduate. A safe two per
cent. offered; advertiser cannot afford more. No professional
money-lenders need apply.

       *       *       *       *       *

CHRISTIAN and Teetotaler, who has not yet been to Japan, would be quite
grateful to any wealthy travel-enthusiast who would make it possible for
him to see this fascinating country. Excellent references.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: "NOW THEN, COUSIN EMMA, LET ME GIVE YOU A BIT OFF THE
BREAST."

"YES, PLEASE, I SHOULD LIKE TO TASTE THAT, FOR IN MY YOUNG DAYS THEY
ALWAYS GAVE IT TO THE GROWN-UPS, AND NOW THEY KEEP IT FOR THE CHILDREN,
SO I'VE ALWAYS MISSED IT."

       *       *       *       *       *

  REVELATION REVISED.


[_A portion of "The Photodrama of Creation," a cinematograph enterprise
hailing from the United States, has recently been exhibited._]

    Oh, would I were a preacher or a prophet
      Of some wild pagan creed, I know not where--
    One of whom people said, "This man is off it"
      (But still I had a following sparse and rare),

    That so, if cynics urged, "How hard to prove is
      The faith ye cling to fondly and so fast!"
    By favour of the men who work the "movies,"
      I might expound the future and the past.

    Hiring a lot of lads with mobile faces,
      And all the world to tap for filmed scenes,
    Would I not set backsliders in their places
      And give my errant congregation beans?

    Uprising in the darkened tabernacle,
      A canvas sheet across the stage unfurled,
    "To-night, dear brethren, we propose to tackle,"
      I should commence, "the Making of the World.

    "Doubts have arisen lately if the cosmos
      Sprang as I stated; an egregious don
    Has published pamphlets asking if it _was_ moss,
      Or something else, that formed the primal _On._

    "Well, to confute at once this creeping scandal,
      You shall behold the facts before your eyes,
    (If Mr. Potts will kindly turn that handle--
      Thank you) _and note, the camera never lies_."

    Yes, I would teach them; and if any scoffers
      Still weltered in the quagmire of their sin,
    If when I overhauled the monthly coffers
      I found the business part a trifle thin,

    Choosing a model for the worst offender
      I should unroll a still more lively lot
    Of films depicting him in pomp and splendour,
      "Swift glories," I should say, "and doomed to rot;"

    And then turn on "The Day of Retribution,"
      Shades of avengers in the world below
    Prodding my man with verve and resolution,
      And broiling him on spits exceeding slow,

    And flaying him, and squeezing him with pincers;
      And whilst I pointed to his shrivelled shape
    (These moving picture-men are rare convincers),
      How I should thunder to the stalls agape!

    "Look at yon sinner perishing _in toto_,
      Take warning lest the same occurs to you;
    Each fraction of each wriggle is a photo,
      And therefore must be absolutely true."

    EVOE.

       *       *       *       *       *

     "At the short fourteenth Vardon was bunkered, and took an
     hour."--_Exeter Express._

He should have read our book, "How to get out of a Bunker in Forty-five
Minutes. By One who often Does."

       *       *       *       *       *

     "This move of the Powers, sending a rural gentleman from the Rhine
     to do the big stick stunt in Albania with a lot of blood-thirsty
     savages, is about as much use as putting a boy sprout in the room
     of Sir John French."--_London Mail._

Personally we put an elderly artichoke in Sir JOHN'S room when he comes
to stay with us. This, of course, in addition to the usual tin of
biscuits.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: THE DOVE OF PEACE.

LORD CREWE. "I DON'T SAY HE'S A PERFECT BIRD, MY LORDS, BUT HE'S THE
BEST WE COULD MANAGE, AND A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT MIGHT DO WONDERS FOR
HIM."

       *       *       *       *       *

  ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)


_House of Commons, Monday, June 15._--In the mid seventies, when dear
JOHNNY TOOLE was at height of well-earned fame, he for a while played
three several parts on the same night. Bold advertisement announced
"Toole in Three Pieces." Being just the kind of joke that has the widest
run over the low level of mediocrity, it filled the gallery and upper
boxes.

To-night it was recalled with fresh application. House privileged to see
PREMIER in Three Pieces. For some weeks he has appeared at Question time
in dual character as Prime Minister and Secretary of State for War.
To-night takes on duties of absent CHANCELLOR OF DUCHY OF LANCASTER. His
versatility as marvellous as his industry. In response to group of five
questions addressed to him "as representing the CHANCELLOR OF THE DUCHY
OF LANCASTER," bristles with minute information respecting number of
livings in gift of the Duchy in West Riding of Yorkshire, together with
amount of income of each benefice and nature of the security. Equally
master of intricate case of the calamity overshadowing the Pontefract
Cricket Club whose playing pitch has been damaged through subsidence
caused by underground workings.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: A GENEROUS RESTRAINT.

       *       *       *       *       *

"I believe the Almighty has endowed us all with a certain amount of
brains; but we don't all use them." (Cheers).--_Mr. TICKLER in the
debate on the Plural Voting Bill._

Situation raised nice questions as to responsibility of the underground
leaseholder and the prospect of compensation from coal royalties.
PREMIER as fully informed on these subjects as later he proved himself
when by way of Supplementary Question AMERY, with pretty air of one
really in search of elementary information, inquired "In whose hands is
the government of Ireland at the present moment?" "In the hands of HIS
MAJESTY'S Ministers," said ASQUITH.

Illustration: "The one thing borne home to me was what a genius the
Irish people have for admiring each other."--_Mr. BIRRELL._

All very well for Duchy of Lancaster. Its affairs in strong capable
hands. But that does little to assuage grief of WORTHINGTON-EVANS. For
months before the day when MASTERMAN, greatly daring, exchanged safe
position of Secretary of Treasury for dizzy heights of Duchy of
Lancaster, WORTHINGTON-EVANS was daily accustomed to pose him with
questions as to working of Insurance Act. In MASTERMAN'S enforced
absence from House WEDGWOOD BENN placed in charge of Insurance Act
Department. Does a difficult business exceedingly well. Has earned
approval from both sides of House. But WORTHINGTON-EVANS is
inconsolable. His feelings find expression in couple of lines, learned
at his mother's knee, descriptive of anguish of blind boy parted from
his brother by ruthless hand of death:--

    Oh, give my brother back to me;
      I cannot play alone.

Visibly brightened up on eve of Ipswich election, which seemed to
promise return of the wanderer. As to-night he sits forlorn in corner
seat below Gangway to left of SPEAKER, gazing sadly at corner of
Treasury bench opposite (once amply filled by figure of former Secretary
of Treasury), STEPHEN GWYNNE, seated next to him, gently nudges BUTCHER,
and with softened memories of _Peggotty_ contemplating _Mrs. Gummidge_
in exceptionally low spirits, whispers, "He's thinking of the old 'un."

_Business done._--After brief unsparkling debate Plural Voters Bill read
a third time. Hostile amendment moved from Front Opposition Bench
negatived by 320 votes against 242. Bill passed final stage without
division.

_Tuesday._--Home Rule fills the bill in both Houses. The Lords, back
from brief holiday, protest against delay in introducing Amending Bill.
In vigorous speech LANSDOWNE insists on early day being named. CREWE,
wringing his hands over unreasonable ways of some people, promises
Tuesday next. Adds that, if upon consideration of proposed amendments
noble lords should require longer interval before Second Reading of
parent measure than is provided by original fixture for 30th June, there
will be no objection to postponement.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: "I don't know whether the hon. Member regards me as a
particularly frivolous person."

_Lord ROBERT CECIL._

       *       *       *       *       *

In the Commons ROBERT CECIL, interposing in ordered business of Supply,
moves adjournment with view of calling attention to "growing danger
created in Ireland by existence of volunteer forces and failure of
Government to deal with situation." It is plurality of situation that
disturbs philosophical mind. As long as there was but one volunteer
force, its locality confined to Ulster, its purpose to defeat Home Rule
Bill, its commander-in-chief CARSON, it was well. Nay more, it was
patriotic. But when Ulster's challenge, uttered by one hundred thousand
armed men, is answered by the South and West of Ireland with creation of
an army exceeding that number, whole aspect is altered. Now, as in the
time when "Measure for Measure" was written--

    That in the captain's but a choleric word
    Which in the soldier is flat blasphemy,

Opposition, to a man, stand up to support LORD BOB'S demand that matter
shall be discussed as one of urgent public importance.

In course of animated speech LORD BOB delighted House by equalling, if
not going one better than, the late Lord CROSS'S historic _jeu
d'esprit_.

"I hear an hon. member smile," said GRAND CROSS on a memorable occasion.

"I wish," said LORD BOB to-night, sternly regarding hilarious
Ministerialists, "those laughs could be photographed and shown
throughout the country."

Suggestion will doubtless not be lost on enterprising purveyors of
cinematograph shows.

There was another opportunity for the snap-shotter when, LORD BOB
lamenting the "ingrained frivolity of the Radicals in this grave
crisis," ARTHUR MARKHAM interposed with Supplementary Question.

"What about Satan rebuking sin?" he asked.

Turning upon Member for Mansfield more in sorrow than in anger, LORD BOB
remarked: "I don't know whether the hon. Member regards me as a
particularly frivolous person." General and generous cheering approved
this implied disclaimer, and LORD BOB returned to consideration of "the
characteristic vice of the Radical Government--fear of losing their
places."

Tendency to introduce personal observations cropped up from time to time
through debate, which occupied greater part of sitting. CARSON having
genially alluded to main body of Ministerialists as "lunatics," NEIL
PRIMROSE, turning upon the WISTFUL WINSTON, who hadn't been saying
anything, denounced him as "a human palimpsest."

Perhaps most touching case was that of BYLES of Bradford. Having long
remained silent under undeserved contumely, he suddenly rose at
half-past ten and irrelevantly remarked, "I cannot understand how the
myth has grown up in this House that I am a blood-thirsty ruffian. Why,
Mr. SPEAKER, I would not kill a fly."

In view of proved inconvenience, not to say danger, of unrestrained
plague of flies, this protestation was received with mixed feelings.

_Business done._--On division motion for adjournment of House negatived
by majority of 65. After this, the House, nothing if not logical,
forthwith adjourned.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: POURING COLD WATER ON THE TROUBLED OIL.

(LORD CHARLES BERESFORD and Mr. DILLON.)

       *       *       *       *       *

_Thursday._--The Irish Members, long quiescent, suddenly resumed former
habit of activity. House owes to AMERY the pleasing variation. He cited
newspaper report of remarks recently made by Captain BELLINGHAM,
aide-de-camp to the LORD-LIEUTENANT OF IRELAND. Inspecting and
addressing body of National Volunteers, he exhorted them to ensure
triumph of Home Rule.

Was this a proper thing to do? Certainly not. ST. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL,
answering AMERY'S question founded on incident, stated that when Lord
ABERDEEN heard of matter he immediately called for explanation, and
Captain BELLINGHAM frankly acknowledged error of judgment.

Irish Members recognised that in measure the error of judgment was
slight compared with AMERY'S in stirring up this dangerously attractive
pool. As everyone knows, and as House was promptly reminded, Colonel the
Marquis of LONDONDERRY and Colonel Lord KILMOREY, aides-de-camp to HIS
MAJESTY, have on more than one occasion, when inspecting Ulster
Volunteers, urged them to stand indomitable in resistance to
establishment of Home Rule in their Northern Province. Irish Members
want to know whether these noble and gallant gentlemen have been called
upon to make explanation of their conduct similar to that peremptorily
exacted from Captain BELLINGHAM.

PREMIER not to be drawn into delicate controversy. Pleaded lack of
notice of questions put to him. Irish Members will be delighted to
provide it. Shall hear more on the subject next week.

_Business done._--The INFANT SAMUEL, appearing in new calling as
President of Local Government Board, carries vote for his Department by
rattling majority of 127.

       *       *       *       *       *

  CORRESPONDENCE.


_To the Editor of "The Oblate Spheroid."_

SIR,--I congratulate you on your new departure. The time is ripe for
Politics without Partisanship. I look to you for scathing denunciations
of the arch humbugs who now wear the mantle of the once great Liberal
Party.

Yours, etc.,

"PATRIOT."

SIR,--I hail with joy your abandonment of Party Shibboleths, and await
your exposure of ASQUITH, LLOYD GEORGE and all such traitors.

Yours, etc.,

"IMPARTIAL."

SIR,--You will find it hard to live up to your professions, but the
thinking Public will support you.

We need a judicial paper that will set truth above Party considerations,
revealing, incidentally, the devilish character of the REDMOND-cum-Cabinet
compact.

Yours, etc.,

"DULCE ET DECORUM."

       *       *       *       *       *

     "Pink Chestnut.--When ices are given at a dinner it is usual to
     have them, but not otherwise."

    _From "Etiquette" in "The Lady_."

It is therefore incorrect, "Pink Chestnut," to produce a private Bombe
Vanille from your handkerchief bag.

       *       *       *       *       *

     "The death of an infant from 'convulsions,' without further
     explanation, can never be wholly satisfactory."

    _Australian Medical Journal._

It takes a lot to satisfy some people.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: _Short-sighted Old Lady (to gentleman taking his morning
exercise in the park). "GO AWAY, GO AWAY; YOU SHAN'T PUT A FINGER ON
_MY_ LUGGAGE!"

       *       *       *       *       *

  OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

  (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)


All the world recognises Sir MARTIN CONWAY as a paramount peak-compeller
and explorer of resource, while superior persons, like this learned
clerk, know him as an effective _dilettante_ in the realms of art. In
_The Sport of Collecting_ (FISHER UNWIN), with a general candour, but a
specific, canny (and of course rather tiresome and disappointing)
reticence as to prices, he gives us, in effect, a treatise on the craft
of curio-hunting, gaily illustrated by anecdotes of the bagging of
bronze cats in Egypt, Foppas and Giorgiones in Italian byways, Inca
jewellery in Peru, and heaven knows what and where beside. The authentic
method, apparently, is to mark down your quarry as you enter the
dealer's stockade, to pay no visible attention to it but bargain
furiously over some pretentious treasure which you don't in the least
want; later, admitting with regret your inability to afford the price,
to suggest that as a memento of your pleasant visit you might be
disposed to carry off that odd trifle in the corner over there; then,
bursting with hardly controlled excitement to see your priceless
primitive wrapped in brown paper and thrown into your cab, to drive to
your quarters, hug yourself ecstatically and boast to your friends and
fellow-conspirators about it. Shooting the driven tiger from the howdah
is quite evidently nothing to this royal sport of dealer-spoofing,
especially when the dealer knows a thing or two, as Sir MARTIN bravely
confesses he sometimes does. I wonder if this arch-collector, when he
discovered his best piece, Allington Castle (of which he discourses with
such pleasant and knowledgable enthusiasm), turned a contemptuous back
on the battlements and made a casual offer for the moat. A most
diverting book.

       *       *       *       *       *

The name of MADAME YOI PAWLOWSKA is new to me; but if her previous books
were anything like so good as _A Child Went Forth_ (DUCKWORTH) I am
heartily sorry to have missed them. There have been many books written
about childhood, and the end of them is not yet in sight; but I have
known none that so successfully attains the simplicity that should
belong to the subject. You probably identify the title as a quotation
from WALT WHITMAN, about the child that went forth every day, "and the
first object that he looked upon, that object he became." The child in
the present instance was one _Anna_, who went forth in the Hungarian
village where she was born, and saw and became a number of picturesque
and amusing things, all of which her narrator has quite obviously
herself recalled, and sat down in excellent fashion. I don't want you to
run away with the idea that _Anna_ was a good or even a pleasant child.
Anything but that. The things she did and said furnished a more than
sufficient reason for her father to threaten again and again to send her
to school in England. The book ends with the realisation of this, which
had always been to _Anna_ as a kind of shadowy horror in the background
of life. We are not told which particular English school was favoured
with her patronage, nor how she got on there. I was too interested in
her career not to be sorry for this omission; and that shall be my
personal tribute to her attractions.

       *       *       *       *       *

There are few persons who can write love stories with a surer and more
tender touch than KATHARINE TYNAN. So I expect that many gentle souls
will share my pleasure in the fact that she has just put together a
volume of studies in this kind under the amiable title of _Lovers'
Meetings_ (WERNER LAURIE). Personally my only complaint about them is
that in a short story lovers' meetings mean the journey's end, and I
wished to spend a longer time in the society of many of the agreeable
characters of Mrs. HINKSON'S studies. Take for example the first--and my
own favourite--of the series. There really isn't anything special in
it--and yet there is everything. What happened was that _Challoner_, a
confirmed bachelor, went to the Dublin quay to see off a friend on the
boat to Holyhead. The friend didn't turn up; but a young governess, with
whom _Challoner_ had only the slightest previous acquaintance, was going
by the boat--so _Challoner_ went with her, and they were married, and
lived happy ever after. You may think that this doesn't sound very
probable, and perhaps it doesn't; but it is so charmingly
told--_Challoner's_ growing delight in the initial mistake that confuses
the pair as man and wife is so alluringly developed, and the whole
little episode of twenty pages has such a way with it as to take your
credulity a willing captive. This was my individual choice; but there
are fifteen others of various styles; some mild detective studies, and a
pathetic little ghost story that recalls to me one of KIPLING'S best.
Altogether an attractive collection, very far above many such that have
appeared lately.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. WILKINSON SHERREN, in his new novel, _The Marriage Tie_ (GRANT
RICHARDS), is very serious about the hypocrisies of the virtuous and the
injustice of our moral conventions. Other writers before him have been
serious about these things, and I do not know that Mr. SHERREN has
anything very new to say. I must also confess to thinking that a sense
of humour would have assisted him greatly in his task. Nevertheless his
readers are certain to sympathise with his beautiful heroine in her
dismay at her unfortunate illegitimacy, and she is a good girl with a
great regard for the feelings of all her friends, even though she
expresses this regard a little stiffly. Mr. SHERREN uses his background
well, and many of his scenes would be effective if only his characters
were debarred from dialogue. It would be, I am sure, beyond _Johanna's_
powers, were she limited to the deaf and dumb alphabet, to convey such a
speech as this: "I wish you to consent to your father's suggestions,
dear. By doing so you do not injure me, and you cheer his declining
days. I am sure your dear mother wishes it." Her methods would become
something much brusquer and more direct. I doubt if Mr. SHERREN is at
his best in a novel. An essay on the confused issues of illegitimacy and
the punishment of the children for the sins of their fathers would show
him, I am convinced, at his ease; but dialogue and a beautiful heroine
are an embarrassment to him.

       *       *       *       *       *

In a volume of tales and sketches entitled _The Mercy of the Lord_
(HEINEMANN) Mrs. FLORA ANNIE STEEL revives pleasant memories of her
Indian romances once beloved by me. In these new stories everybody
dies--if Europeans, with the latest slang upon their lips; if natives,
with a lusty invocation to Allah. Mrs. STEEL does not believe in letting
the reader know what she is about, and there is generally something up
her sleeve. Each story has its own little puzzle, and, if the puzzles
are not always solved by the end of the tale, one can make all kinds of
pleasant conjectures as to what really did happen, and Mrs. STEEL'S
mysterious hints and shrugs and fingers on the lip do beyond question
assist her atmosphere. I like best of the stories "Salt of the Earth," a
most moving tale, beautifully told. Always Mrs. STEEL is interesting,
and I hope these sketches are only little preludes to another of her
thrilling romances.

       *       *       *       *       *

If Mr. BERTRAM SMITH'S _Caravan Days_ (NISBET) has not made me eager to
take to the road at once, the reason is that he seems to delight in
things that I most cordially detest. For instance, he likes cooking and
he is "very fond of rain." With such tastes he has more facilities for
enjoying himself than are offered to most of us, and I find myself
wondering whether life in a caravan, always supposing that he was not
there to do the cooking and admire the rain, would be quite as much fun
as he would have us believe. I am confident that when next he goes upon
his travels the majority of his friends will be anxious to share the
attractions of his _Sieglinda_, that caravan of caravans, but I doubt if
they will be ordering _Sieglindas_ for themselves. Meanwhile, so human
has Mr. BERTRAM SMITH made his _Sieglinda_ that I can well imagine her
sulking in her retirement because she wants to see Argyll, the only
county in Scotland she has not yet sampled.

       *       *       *       *       *

If you are a musical genius yourself and want to do a young composer a
good turn, I implore you not to get his opera produced under the
pretence that it is yours and wait until it has been received
enthusiastically before you announce whose work it is. For that is what
_Jess Levellier_ did, and "Miss LOUISE MACK" tells us what a deal of
trouble was brought about by this impulsive action. There are several
love stories in _The Music Makers_ (MILLS AND BOON). There is the affair
of _Jess_ and there is the affair of _Jess's_ father; and in regard to
the second of these I would say that I am a little tired of adventurous
women who are first attracted by dollars and then find that they are
head over ears in love with the man himself. But in case you are not
adequately intrigued by either of these romances, I can also tell you
that _Sir William_ (big and burly) and _Trixie Harrison_, though
married, gave considerable cause for anxiety before with "outstretched
hands she went tottering towards him." Even the most jaded novel-readers
will suffer thrills and surprises from _The Music Makers_, and
occasionally, perhaps, they will wonder whether coincidence's long arm
has not been stretched to the point of dislocation. However that may be,
the book is breezy and its author is lavish of her material.
Parsimonious writers would have made half-a-dozen novels out of the
stuff of Mrs. CREED'S book.

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: THE ART OF WINDOW-DRESSING.

_Shop-Manager (sternly, to assistant)._ "SURELY, MR. JENKINS, YOU OUGHT
TO KNOW BETTER THAN TO PUT THE KITCHEN COBBLES IN THE CENTRE VASE.
REMEMBER IN FUTURE THAT IT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS
STRIKE THE KEY-NOTE WITH THE _SELECTED NUTS_."

       *       *       *       *       *

Illustration: EPILOGUE.

       *       *       *       *       *

  MORE MUNITIONS OF PEACE.

  (_An Episode in the Camp of the Nationalist Volunteers._)


Several further months had elapsed in the history of the scheme for the
"better government of Ireland." The Home Rule Bill had been read for the
third time in the Inferior Chamber, but, apart from this conciliatory
action, no effective attempt had been made to avert the horrors of Civil
War.

Meanwhile two coups had been planned, of which the one failed and the
other succeeded. And during the arrangements for the first coup (for it
got no further than the preparatory stage--and even this was denied) it
was revealed that British officers were not very greatly inclined to
shoot down their fellow-countrymen for the sake of the _beaux jeux_ of a
political party. And for this the politicians of that party, selecting
the worst name they could think of, described these officers as
politicians. And the cry of "The Army _v._ the People," started by a
Labour Member (who wore a large hat), and supported by the FIRST LORD OF
THE ADMIRALTY (who wore a small one), was raised very high and then
dropped, as likely to prove inexpedient.

But the other coup (which succeeded) was a very clever feat of
gun-running on the part of the Ulster Volunteers. And, the law having
been broken, the Government, as its guardian, determined to take no
punitive measures--an attitude that was repellent both to Sir WILLIAM
BYLES and to Mr. NEIL PRIMROSE.

And now there grew up in each political party a body of rebellion. For
on the Liberal side there were those, notorious at other seasons for
their advocacy of peace at whatever charges, who gave out that there
were worse things than Civil War, and one of the worse things was the
stultification of their own projects, or, as they put it, of the Will of
the People; though they showed no strong anxiety to discover, by the
usual tests, what the Will of the People might actually be in the
matter.

And on the Unionist side there were those who said that they would do
nothing to provoke Civil War, but that, since it took two sides to
conduct a Civil or any other kind of War, and the British Army was
apparently not available, there was no fear of Civil War, and they (the
Unionist Party) could well afford to stiffen themselves about the lips.

And all this tended to embarrass the labours (if any) of those leaders
who were still supposed to be holding communion together for the
furtherance of a compromise.

Now, among the Ulster Volunteers, though perfect sobriety was exhorted
and maintained, it was excusably felt that it would be a pity if so fine
a force should have been raised and armed at such expense and sacrifice
and then have no chance of showing what it could do. And this feeling
evoked sympathy in the breasts of the Irish of the South and West; and
they said to them of Ulster, "Rather than see your army wasted we will
ourselves raise one for you to shoot at." And this they did, in part for
sheer joy of the chance of a fight, and in part for admiration of the
sportsmanship of a people that had defied a British Government. And
though some joined the new Volunteers for love of Home Rule, and with
the object of offering themselves as substitutes for the British Army,
yet the promoters were content to allege, vaguely and inoffensively,
that their object was just the protection of Irish liberty, whatever
that might be taken to mean. And, being Irish, no exact logic was asked
of them.

But at first Mr. REDMOND, as a supporter of the law, and scandalised by
its breach in Ulster, declined to approve this illegal development,
which for the rest he regarded as negligible. But later, when it had
grown too large to be ignored, he generously consented to overlook its
illegality and to place it under official patronage. But his offer was
received in a spirit of very regrettable independence. On reflection,
however, this attitude was exchanged for one of sullen submission.

Now a private army is a dangerous thing when you know what it is for;
but it is a very dangerous thing when you don't. And there were
cynics--not too frivolous--who held that the best course for the
Government would be to withdraw from Ireland for the time being and
leave Ulster and the Rest to come to an agreement of their own, either
with or without a bloody prelude. And there were other critics--not much
more frivolous--who replied that, if we walked out of Ireland and left
Ulster and the Rest to come to terms, they might get to understand one
another to such good purpose that we should never have the opportunity
of walking in again.

And the Government's only consolation lay in the thought that the Rest
of Ireland lacked the munitions of war owing to the vigilant precautions
taken to prevent the importation of arms into Ulster.

       *       *       *       *       *

A thrill of emotion rippled over the tented plain. Into the camp of the
Nationalist Volunteers had dashed a motor-car which was taken to be the
forerunner of a great consignment of smuggled arms, for it contained a
bulky wooden case with the label "Munitions of Peace" pasted upon its
facade--a superscription that might well have been designed to mislead
the wariest of coastguards and patrols. Its sole convoy was an old
gentleman--evidently selected for the part, for by his air of simple
benevolence you would have judged him the last man in the world to be
suspected of nefarious practices.

A cry of bitter disappointment broke out on the discovery that the
"munitions" consisted of nothing but books. But the uproar died down as
the old gentleman was seen to assume the attitude of an orator. His
words were at first received in courteous silence; then with sympathetic
approval; finally with deafening applause.

"Nationalist Volunteers!" he said: "I come from performing a similar
mission of camaraderie among the hosts of Ulster. I am no partisan. I am
like a certain philanthropist of whom I have heard who purveyed sherbet
to the rival camps of the Sultan of MOROCCO and the Pretender. I trust
that my fate may not be his, for he was the sole person killed in one of
the noisiest battles ever fought in the environs of Fez.

"This tome, identical with the rest of my munitions of peace, embodies
(for I made the contents myself, and so ought to know) the highest
wisdom mingled with the purest material for mirth. Its contemporaneous
perusal in both camps should encourage a common ideal of humour and so
promote mutual respect and affection.

"I would go even further and express the hope that here may be found a
spirit of genial tolerance which, if assimilated by all parties, will
infallibly lead to a solution of the Irish Question without the
inconvenience of bloodshed. Gentlemen, permit me!" And thereupon he
presented to the admiring gaze of his audience _Mr. Punch's_

ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIXTH VOLUME.

       *       *       *       *       *

 ILLUSTRATION: CARTOON.

 ILLUSTRATION: INDEX


PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
  After Ten Years, 311
  Amending Bill (The), 411
  Asquith to the Rescue (An), 271
  Couleur d'Orange, 51
  Crescendo, 371
  Desperate Remedies, 151
  Devotee of "The Doctrine" (A), 171
  Diversion (A), 331
  Dove of Peace (The), 491
  From Fife to Harp, 291
  Gift Horse (The), 111
  Holiday Task (A), 431
  Latest Velasquith (The), 211
  Missing Word (The), 131
  Neptune's Ally, 231
  New Bellerophon (The), 91
  New Shylock (The), 391
  Price of Admiralty (The), 71
  "Sincerest Flattery" (The), 451
  "There's Many a Slip...", 251
  Triumph of the Voluntary System, 471
  Ulster King-at-Arms (The), 351
  Wooing (The), 191

RAVEN-HILL, L.
  After Closing Hours, 243
  Black Man's Burden (The), 43
  Captains Courageous, 483
  Circus of Empire (The), 423
  Clean Slate (A), 103
  Coalition Touch (The), 403
  Concert of South America (The), 383
  Easter Egg (An), 263
  Exit Tango, 83
  Fight for the Banner (The), 283
  Giants Refreshed, 443
  Gift for Gift, 183
  Lightening the Darkness, 223
  Nine Old Men of the Sea (The), 163
  One of Us--Now, 123
  Penny Wisdom, 203
  Penultimatum (A), 303
  Refreshing the Fruit, 463
  Sand Campaign (The), 31
  Sitting Tight, 343
  "Sort of War" (A), 323
  Splendid Paupers (The), 11
  Swashbucklers (The), 363
  Throne Perilous (The), 143
  Trust Clinch (The), 63

TOWNSEND, F. H.
  Earthly Paradise (The), 3
  Sea-Change (A), 23

       *       *       *       *       *

ARTICLES.


AUMONIER, STACEY
  Moon (The), 246

BILSBOROUGH, J. H.
  Mr. Punch's Pantomime Analysis, 122

BIRD, A. W.
  Given Away, 46
  Manners for Parents, 162

BIRRELL, S. E.
  To Minki-Poo, 158
  Toast (A), 441

BREX, J. TWELLS
  Key to Cubism (A), 106

CHALMERS, P. R.
  Adventurers, 478
  Annabel Lee, 290
  Below the Wire, 390
  Big Trout (The), 487
  Buddha, 100
  Con, 277
  Fox (The), 196
  Huntsman's Story (The), 16
  In March, 216
  Johnny Rigg, 354
  Old China, 258
  Pandean, 336
  Song, 221
  Tattie-Bogle (The), 425
  To Septimius on Trout, 138
  Tortoiseshell Cat (The), 178
  Trophy (The), 106
  Uncle Steve's Fairy, 68
  West Highland, 368

CLAUGHTON, HAROLD
  Lost Leader (A), 180

COCHRANE, ALFRED
  Rock Gardeness in London (The), 475

COLLINS, G. H.
  Best Policy (The), 222
  Pessimism, 77
  Second-hand Serenade (A), 488

DARK, RICHARD
  Two Eyes of Gray, 455

DAVIS, OSWALD H.
  How to Get On Off-hand, 262

DUFFIN, Miss RUTH
  Advance Finale (An), 453

ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR
  Reversible Rhetoric, 275
  Silver Jubilee (A), 366
  Three-Card Trick (The), 426
  Three Wishes (The), 113
  Winter Sports, 27

EDEN, Mrs.
  Idol of the Market Place (An), 218
  "Sir Bat-Ears", 489

EDWARDES, C.
  Continental Intelligence, 15

ELIAS, F.
  Food--Not Merely for Thought, 227
  Very Much Greater London, 417

EMANUEL, WALTER
  Charivaria, weekly
  What Our Readers Think of Us, 13

FARJEON, HERBERT
  Question of Courtesy (A), 338

FISH, W. W. BLAIR
  Bargain in Fashions (A), 347
  Carpet Sales, 255
  Charm (A), 90
  Spell (The), 13
  Sweet of the Year (The), 407
  Villain in Revolt (A), 296

FISHER, MURRAY
  Hullo, Bedroom Scene, 436

FOWLER, F. G.
Bath Unrest (The), 398
  "On", 340
  Once One, 237

FOWLER, P. A.
  Laid, 278
  Love at the Cinema, 58

FREEMAN, WILLIAM
  Gwendolen's Hobbies, 309

FRENCH, C. O.
  Our Literary Advice Department, 168

FRY, C. H.
  Commercial Side (The), 82

GARVEY, Miss INA
  At the Gates of the West, 236
  Blanche's Letters, 94, 346, 446
  Guess Who It Is, 122
  Sitter Sat Upon (The), 309

GITTINS, H. N.
  Love's Labour, 115
  Married Man's Advantage (The), 34
  Sporting Chance (A), 357
  Welcome Flaw (A), 456

GRAVES, C. L.
  Ballad of the Watchful Eye, 270
  Drastic Reform of Schools, 409
  Gnomes for Golfers, 170
  In the Garden of Allah, 34
  Liberals Day by Day, 267
  Qualities that Count (The), 97
  Tragedy of Middle Age (The), 55

GRAVES, C. L., AND LUCAS, E. V.
  April for the Epicure, 286
  Artistes' Aliases, 249
  Author (The), 338
  Book-buyer (The), 266
  Cautious Conclusions, 302
  Colonel Talks (The), 405
  Country Life Exhibition, 258
  "Dash", 206
  Eavesdropper (The), 349
  Fares, 177
  Gleanings from Grub Street, 367
  Grub Street Gossip, 307
  How to Improve London, 369
  Indomitables (The), 68
  In Extremis, 116
  Laconics, 48
  Letters and Life, 129
  Lidbetter, 85
  Mr. Balfour: Mixed Double Life, 218
  Mr. Roosevelt's Discoveries, 362
  Music and Millinery, 65
  Musical Notes, 335, 484
  National Calamity (A), 394
  New Book of Beauty (A), 6
  Newspaper War, 422
  Nose Has It (The), 114
  Novelist and Millionaire, 345
  Oblique Method (The), 95
  One of Our Greatest, 406
  One Way With Them, 196
  Our Ready Writers, 109
  Popular Misconceptions, 226
  Professor Splurgeon on Personality, 336
  Record Risks, 17
  Romance of a Battleship (A), 5
  Secret Out (The), 28
  Studies in Discipleship, 185
  Sufferer (The), 386
  Tempora Mutantur, 478
  Too Good to be True, 128
  Water is Best, 350
  Water on the Brain, 216
  When Boss Eats Boss, 127
  Young Everything (The), 467

HARTY, FRANK
  Mouse of Mydra (The), 434

HASLAM, RALPH
  Critic at the R.A. (The), 312

HASTINGS, B. MACDONALD
  How the Championship was Won, 482

HERBERT, A. P.
  Call of the Blood (The), 470

HODGKINSON, T.
  Cry for Guidance (A), 120
  Danger Signal (The), 157
  Hospitable Door (The), 98
  Last Straw (The), 8
  News from the Front, 327
  Next of the Dandies (The), 241
  Noblest Work of Man (The), 365
  Piercing of the Veil (The), 385
  Sign of Decay (A), 174
  Time Exposure(A), 461

HOPKINS, E. T.
  Moan of the Old Horses (The), 73
  Young Mother's Swan Song, 21

HOSKEN, J. F.
  An Apology that Made Things Worse, 148
  Curling, 48
  Interviewing Father, 166
  Miranda's Will, 76

HUGHES, C. E.
  Great Occasion (A), 438

JENKINS, ERNEST
  Bludyard, 406
  Kakekikokuans (The), 47
  Little Wonder (The), 16
  New Penny Paper (The), 205
  Strike of School Teachers (The), 121

JOHNSTON, ALEC
  Argumentum ad Feminam, 276
  Coward (The), 37
  Local Colour, 89
  "Milestones", 376
  Old Master (The), 74
  Slit Trouser (The), 206
  Stanzas written in Dejection before Matrimony, 230
  Subscription (The), 10

KENDALL, Captain
  Floral Dangers, 374
  Hen (The), 130
  House of Punch (The), 46
  Shop, 256
  Wild Swan (The), 210

KIDD, ARTHUR
  Earthly Hades (The), 458
  Myth of Bond Street (A), 298

KIRK, LAURENCE
  Billiards a la Golf, 69
  "For Professional Services", 117

KNOX, E. G. V.
  Amending a Bill, 466
  Chimes and the Chube (The), 227
  "Cines" of the Times, 125
  Civil War, 329
  Forgiveness, 190
  Hazard on the Home Green (A), 442
  Highway Loot, 388
  Inspiration, 410
  Ivory, 87
  Loop! Loop!, 38
  Manes a la Mode, 110
  Manly Part (The), 265
  Moving, 167
  Nocturne, 287
  Olympic Talent, 67
  Perfection, 370
  "Punch" in his Element, 250
  Revelation Revised, 490
  Revenge, 50
  Smile of the Sea Kings (The), 430
  Sporting Offer (A), 450

LANGLEY, F. O.
  Audit (The), 402
  Billet Doux, 388
  Bygone (A), 58
  Character (A), 158
  Epidemic (The), 78
  Impressing of Perkins (The), 328
  Modern Idyll (A), 93
  Nonentity (A), 285
  Old Friends, 30
  Opportunist (The), 198
  Root of all Evil (The), 457
  Spectrum (The), 235

LAWS, A. GORDON
  What to tell an Editor, 25

LEHMANN, R. C.
  Abandoner (The), 458
  Bad Dream (A), 38
  Beer Fight (The), 77
  Exile, 278
  Federal Solution (The), 298
  Great Resigner (The), 142
  Hat (The), 202
  Jobson's, 222
  Last Straw (The), 57
  Lean-to Shed (The), 116
  Legal Document (A), 488
  May Picnic (A), 418
  Mediation, 398
  Not a Line, 435
  Odd Man (The), 255
  Paper-Chase (The), 14
  Per Asparagos ad Astra, 325
  Peter, a Pekinese Puppy, 347
  Post Office Savings Bank (The), 318
  Roosevelt Resurgit, 465
  Singing Water, 147
  Smiles and Laughter, 187
  Sultan of Morocco (The), 378
  Trying-on, 96
  Wedding Present (The), 176

LONGSTAFF, GILBERT
  Time's Revenge, 238

LUCAS, E. V.
  Another Information Bureau, 436, 456
  In the Brave 3d. Days, 225
  Once upon a Time, 55, 314

LUCY, HENRY
  Essence of Parliament, 133, 153, 173, 193, 213, 233, 253, 273, 293,
    313, 333, 353, 373, 393, 413, 433, 473

McCLELLAND, W. E.
  Yellow Furze (The), 86

MARILLIER, Mrs.
  Points of View, 238
  To my Husband's Banker, 362

MARSHALL, ARCHIBALD
  Cabinet Crisis (A), 54

MARTIN, N. R.
  Cabinet Meets (The), 102
  End of It All (The), 182
  New Journal-Insurance (The), 23
  Politics on the Links, 302
  Red Head and White Paws, 474
  Royalists (The), 146
  "Scene" in 1916 (A), 322
  Signers of the Times, 217

MATKIN, C.
  Way Out (The), 438

MELVIN, H. E.
  Lord of the Leviathans (The), 378

MILNE, A. A.
  At the Play, 195, 375
  Competition Spirit (The), 348
  Complete Dramatist (The), 428, 448, 462
  "Driven", 486
  Farewell Tour (A), 42
  "Grumpy", 396
  Hanging Garden in Babylon (A), 408
  Lesson (The), 108
  My Lord's Dinner, 326
  Obvious (The), 308
  Oranges and Lemons, 188, 208, 228, 248, 208, 268, 288
  Play of Features (A), 2
  Same Old Story (The), 26
  Silver Linings, 66
  Strong Man (The), 88
  "Wrongly Attributed", 368

MUIR, WARD
  London's Links with the Past, 237

NAISMITH, J. B.
  Every Author's Wife, 148
  In Search of Peter, 289

PHILLIPS, C. K.
  Post Office Again (The), 53
  Telephone Again (The), 175
  To Obey or Not to Obey, 36

POPE, Miss JESSIE
  Bomb (The), 282
  Downward Trend (The), 194
  Militant's Song (The), 168
  Vagrant (A), 385

RANDELL, WILFRID L.
  Art of Conversation (The), 296
  Can-Can (The), 454
  Perfect Conductor (The), 162

REDINGTON, Miss S.
  Legend of Everymatron (The), 95

RIGBY, REGINALD
  Language of Colour (The), 390
  Security, 98

RISK, R. K.
  Cowl (The), 294

RITTENBERG, MAX
  Cinema Habit (The), 215

SALTER, Miss GURNEY
  "Pereant Qui Ante Nos ...", 302

SALVIDGE, STANLEY
  Man of the Evening (The), 468

SEAMAN, OWEN
  At the Play, 18, 56, 74, 135, 156, 178, 276, 316, 356, 376, 416, 476
  Bowles without a Bias, 102
  Byles for the Bill, 182
  Civil War Estimates, 142
  Cockaigne of Dreams (A), 62
  General Villa breaks into Poetry, 322
  "Grand Nights", 482
  Holiday Mood (The), 422
  In Memoriam (Sir John Tenniel), 162
  Prancing Prussian (A), 22
  Smithers, B. C., 82
  Spirit of Ulster and the Army (The), 242
  To Mr. Chamberlain, 40
  To the Cabinet, 280
  Ulster for Scotland, 442
  Unhappy Mean (The), 362
  Union of Irish Hearts (The), 282
  "Who Fears to Speak of"--Nineteen-six?, 382

SMITH, BERTRAM
  Bazaar Cushion (The), 126
  Corncrake (The), 418
  Game Licence (The), 28
  Vandalism, 387

SMITH, C. TURLEY
  Fuser (The), 354
  Triumph of Thinness (A), 234

SMITH, E. B.
  Business friendship, 382

STERNE, ASHLEY
  Buying a Piano, 414

SYKES, A. A.
  Deadly Button (The), 155
  Intellectual Damage to Animals, 138
  Pidgin Trot (The), 70

TOMBS, J. S. M.
  In the Park, 466
  Isabel in Springtime, 327
  Proof, 275
  Season's Delights (The), 334

WHITE, R. F.
  Amende Deshonorable, 1
  Belles Lettres and Others, 169
  Canal (The), 154
  Commercial Art, 297
  Converted Statistician (The), 78
  Epic from the Provinces (An), 358
  Ideal Film Plot (The), 149
  Ring (The), 197

WILSON, A. J. A.
  Serenity, 480

WODEHOUSE, P. G.
  Egbert, Bull-frog, 242
  Misunderstood, 6
  Sluggard (The), 306

WYNDHAM-BROWN, W. F.
  Political Correspondence (A), 256

       *       *       *       *       *

PICTURES AND SKETCHES.


ARMOUR, G. D., 19, 37, 59, 79, 97, 117, 139, 147, 197, 219, 259, 279,
    299, 319, 335, 359, 379, 397, 417, 459, 479

BAUMER, LEWIS, 70, 85, 110, 150, 190, 269, 337, 410, 470

BAYNES, PHILIP, 430, 490

BELCHER, GEORGE, 129, 159, 189, 225, 265, 297, 307, 339, 375, 399,
    419, 457, 469

BIRD, W., 21, 41, 100, 137, 180, 206, 241, 295, 306, 467

BRIGHTWELL, L. R., 5, 141, 167, 347, 446, 484

BROOK, RICARDO, 114, 281, 441

CHENEY, LEO, 35

COBB, Miss RUTH, 175

COWES, DUDLEY S., 261

DIXON, G. S., 400

DOWD, J. H., 61, 87, 249, 481

FENNING, WILSON, 461, 466

FRASER, P., 86, 106, 236, 321, 386, 406

GILL, ARTHUR, 218

GRAVE, CHARLES, 7, 29, 201, 226, 370, 387, 401, 429, 477

HARRIS, H. H., 286

HARRISON, CHARLES, 36, 65, 246, 434, 455

HART, FRANK, 57

HASELDEN, W. K., 18, 56, 135, 136, 156, 178, 276, 316, 326, 356, 375,
    376, 396, 416, 476, 486

HENRY, THOMAS, 75, 94, 301

HINCKLING, P. B., 366

JENNIS, G., 17, 69, 155, 217

LLOYD, A. W., 14, 118, 133, 134, 153, 154, 173, 174, 193, 194, 213,
    214, 233, 234, 253, 273, 274, 293, 294, 313, 314, 333, 334, 353,
    354, 373, 374, 393, 394, 413, 414, 433, 454, 473, 474, 493, 494

LUNT, WILMOT, 74, 270

MAYBANK, THOMAS, 209

MILLS, A. WALLIS, 9, 33, 49, 77, 90, 169, 199, 215, 227, 255, 207, 315,
    327, 349, 395, 415, 427, 453, 475

MOBBS, HEDLEY A., 287

MORROW, E. A., 460

MORROW, GEORGE, 20, 40, 60, 80, 99, 120, 140, 160, 179, 200, 220, 240,
    260, 280, 300, 310, 340, 360, 377, 389, 420, 440, 480, 496

NORRIS, A., 27, 67, 115, 121, 166, 207, 320, 346, 381, 421, 487

PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1

PEARS, CHARLES, 55, 89, 119, 237, 380, 437

PEGRAM, FRED, 53

PRANCE, BERTRAM, 266

RAVEN-HILL, L., 50, 289, 330, 390, 498

REYNOLDS, FRANK, 107, 170, 187, 247, 317

ROSE, D. T., 81

ROUNTREE, HARRY, 15, 39, 355

SHEPARD, F. H., 6, 30, 113, 135, 165, 181, 229, 350, 407, 449

SHEPPERSON, C. A., 130, 145, 210, 230, 250, 309, 329, 409

SIMMONDS, GRAHAM, 10, 126, 336, 447

SMITH, A. T., 13, 101, 127, 146, 195, 257, 357, 361, 367, 439

STAMPA, G. L., 25, 47, 95, 105, 157, 235, 275, 290, 341, 369, 435, 450

STRANGE, C. S., 186, 426

TERRY, S., 254

THOMAS, BERT, 495

THORPE, J. H., 177, 489

TOWNSEND, F. H., 45, 73, 93, 109, 125, 149, 161, 185, 205, 239, 245,
    262, 277, 285, 305, 325, 345, 365, 385, 405, 425, 445, 465, 485

WOOD, STARR, 54

YOUNG, D. A., 221

       *       *       *       *       *

ILLUSTRATION: FINIS.

       *       *       *       *       *





End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
146, June 24, 1914, by Various

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