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THREE HATS

A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts

Adapted by

ARTHUR SHIRLEY

From

LES TROIS CHAPEAUX

by

HENNEQUIN







Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation
Successor To Dick & Fitzgerald
18 Vesey St.            New York




CHARACTERS.

  SAM SELWYN, with a night adventure.

  FRED BELLAMY, Selwyn's unwilling slave.

  CAPT. KATSKILL, of the Kilkenny Irregulars.

  BOSCO BLITHERS, Professor of Penmanship.

  DIBBS, a boy in buttons.

  MRS. SELWYN, Sam's Wife.

  GRACE, Sam's Daughter.

  LOTTIE BLITHERS, secretly married to Fred.

  TILLY, a parlor maid.


COSTUMES.

  SELWYN.--At first as described in the "Scene," afterwards in
  ordinary dress.

  BELLAMY.--Walking costume.

  KATSKILL.--Exaggerated military style.

  BLITHERS.--Eccentric old gentleman's costume.

  MRS. SELWYN and GRACE.--in ordinary home dress.

  LOTTIE.--Showily dressed in walking costume.

  TILLY and DIBBS.--In servants' dress.


PROPERTIES.

  Feather-duster; felt hat; three tall hats of different sizes;
  sword; umbrella.




ACT I.


SCENE.--Drawing-room; door, L., at back looking into hall;
chimney piece R. centre; doors on R. side in second and third
entrances; door on left second entrance; window left; small sofa
and armchair towards front; escritoire front, L. Music to take
up curtain, "We Won't Go Home Till Morning," played, piano.
As curtain rises stage is unoccupied and in semi-darkness,
SELWYN opens door at back, L., and quietly creeps across,
the collar of his overcoat is up, and his hat is dripping
with rain. He goes R. on tiptoe and off third entrance, then
returns to fix a paper on door and exit same way. FRED BELLAMY
then enters by door at back, L., and executes similar business,
holding his muddy boots in his hand, exit, L., second entrance.

    Enter DIBBS door right second entrance, yawning and
    stretching himself, he carries feather brush in his hand.

DIBBS.   Ooh! What a shame to have to turn out just when
you begin to appreciate your pillow. (Reading paper on door,
R.) "Call me at tea-time." (Crossing to L. and reading paper
on other door.) "Don't call me until to-morrow." (Looking at
clock on chimney piece.) Hullo! Only _seven_ o'clock! I'm up too
soon! I have cheated myself out of a clear hour in bed. Shall
I go back again? No! The governor's left out his cigars and
I know the best brands he keeps three sorts--these cost about
sixpence each and he smokes 'em himself--these are worth perhaps
twopence and are for the use of his friends--and these he gives
to his father-in-law, warranted real cabbage, five shillings
a hundred! I'm not his father-in-law, and I'm not his friend,
so I'll have a dip in here. (Taking some from first box.) It's
strange my tastes and the governor's should be so similar--we
both like the best of everything! (Lighting cigar.) I'm not in
a bad billet here, nothing to do and no end of leisure to do
it in, especially when the missus is away; she's gone to her
aunt's at Tunbridge Wells, so master and his friend, Mr. Fred
Bellamy, are left to do as they like. (Sits in easy chair, L.)

TILLY (entering, R. 2 E.).   Nobody's up yet and so I can go
to the window and kiss my hand to the night policeman before
he goes off his beat. (Going to window.) There he is, leaning
against the lamp post like a "Polly bellvurdear" in blue. It's
'is whiskers as first won my heart! I always had a weakness for
whiskers and I'm sure they are the finest in the force! Oh!
what rapture to hear the clergyman say to those whiskers,
"Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife," and to
hear those whiskers reply, "I will," and then to walk arm in
arm with them down the church----(DIBBS comes behind her and
takes her by the waist; she screams.) Ah!

DIBBS.   Caught you, have I? Making signals to the bobby.
I'll signal him! (Puts finger to his nose at window.)

TILLY.   Oh! You impudent young rascal, how dare you insult
a full-grown man; you without so much, as an 'air to your
upper lip.

DIBBS.   I'd rather have no mustarchers than a couple of
blacking brushes under my ears! He's gone now! You'd better
look on _me_ with an eye of admiration.

TILLY.   You! You bare-faced brat! Smoking, too! Won't you
be ill, that's all.

DIBBS.   Pooh! I've been a smoker ever since I was a boy!
(MR. SELWYN'S voice heard outside calling DIBBS.) Hullo! the
old rooster's up early! (Voice, "DIBBS!")

TILLY.   I shall be off, he's sure to be out of temper;
masters and missuses are always grumpy when they first get
up. (DIBBS kisses TILLY, who slaps him. Exit, L. U. E.)

SEL. (heard off).   Dibbs, _are_ you coming?

DIBBS.   Yessir! (He endeavors to extinguish lighted cigar by
blowing on it, then opens window and fans the air with feather
brush to get rid of smoke.)

    Enter SELWYN, looking very seedy, R. 3 E., in dressing-gown
    and carrying a tall hat in his hand which he holds behind
    him. He has an "up-all-night" appearance.

SEL.   What the deuce are you doing?

DIBBS.   Dusting, sir! (He hides cigar in trousers' pocket.)

SEL.   Do you generally dust _the air_?

DIBBS.   Dust everything, sir. (Aside.) Dash that cigar! It
ain't out! (He pulls it secretly from trousers' pocket and
again endeavors to extinguish it.)

SEL.   Is Mr. Bellamy about yet?

DIBBS.   Not yet, sir.

SEL.   Go and call him; say I want to speak to him at once.

DIBBS.   Yessir! (Returning.) As a rule he ain't partial to
being called before eleven, sir!

SEL.   Rubbish! I always encourage early rising! _When I am
up first myself!_

DIBBS (aside).   The boss is in a bad temper, perhaps he's
had the nightmare! (DIBBS knocks at door, L. 2 E. Sleepy voice
replies, "What the devil do you want?")

                                (Exit DIBBS, L. 2 E. entrance.

SEL.   Not a moment is to be lost! My wife will be home by
the first train and if she catches sight of this infernal tile
she'll ask questions. That's the worst of wives, they _will_
be so inquisitive! Damocles had a sword hanging over his
head, I have a hat! (Putting hat on secretaire.) Now to write
to its owner. (Sitting at table.) "Sir, pardon my hastiness
last evening"----

DIBBS (entering, L.).   Mr. Bellamy's coming, sir.

SEL. (irritably).   Coming! Why don't he come! He's always
putting things off!

DIBBS.   He's not putting 'em _off_ this time, sir, he's
putting 'em _on_! (Pantomimes getting into trousers.)

SEL. (finishing letter).   That will do! A frank but dignified
apology. (Addressing envelope.)--"Tompkins, Esq." Nobody called
this morning inquiring for me, I suppose, Dibbs?

DIBBS.   No, sir! (Looking hard at SELWYN.) Lord, sir, how
"squiffy" you do look this morning.

SEL. (sternly).   "Squiffy," Dibbs?

DIBBS.   Yessir--off color!

SEL. (more sternly).   "Off color," Dibbs?

DIBBS.   Yessir! Dotty about the eye-ball. For all the world
as though you'd been out on the razzle-dazzle last night, sir.

SEL.   Dibbs, I request that you will not indulge in slang out
of your proper sphere--the kitchen. (Aside.) He's right! I _am_
"squiffy"--in fact, I never was "squiffier." Fetch my smoking
cap! (Exit DIBBS, R.) It would be rash of me to assert that I
was not "off color" and as to being prepared to take my oath
that I did not feel "dotty about the eye-ball" I couldn't do it!

DIBBS (re-entering from R.).   Your smoking cap, sir! (He
grins at SELWYN.)

SEL.   What are you grinning at?

DIBBS.   Nothing, sir--except your bed ain't a bit tumbled!

SEL.   What of that? I suffered from the toothache and had
to walk about all night!

DIBBS.   Then the roof must want mending, for the rain comes
into your room, sir--your clothes are all sopping wet! Oh,
sir, _if_ I didn't know you, sir, I should say you had taken
advantage of the missus' absence to go out on the kick!

SEL.   Dibbs, would you dare!----

DIBBS.   I say, sir _if_ I did not know you!

SEL. (aside).   This boy knows too much for me! (Aloud;
showing coin.) See nothing, say nothing!

DIBBS.   Oh, sir! Don't force it on me! (Takes money and puts
it in his pocket.) It shall be a secret between _man and man_.
Mum's the word to the missus!

SEL. (aside).   I wish I dared kick him!

DIBBS.   Here comes Mr. Bellamy, sir!

    Enter FRED, L. 2 E., without his coat.

SEL.   At last, my dear Fred, at last! I want you to do me
a favor!

FRED (aside).   I suppose so! (Aloud.) I certainly do not
consider it doing _me_ a favor when I am awoke at unearthly
hours.

SEL.   First let me explain--(noticing DIBBS is
listening.) Thank you, Dibbs, I shall not want you any more!

DIBBS (aside).   As usual! Always turned out when the interest
begins! Never mind, I've got a very good ear and the door's got
a very good key-hole; and by putting this (touching ear) and
that (pointing to key-hole) together, I may hear of something
to my advantage as the advertisements say.

                                          (Exit DIBBS, R. 2 E.

SEL.   Sit down, my dear boy.

FRED (yawning).   If he is going to spin me one of his long
yarns I shall never keep awake! (Sits in arm chair.)

SEL.   Fred, we are brothers! (Taking chair over to L.)

FRED.   Not exactly----

SEL.   Yes, we are! You saved my life, and from that day became
my brother. As a proof of my regard I am about to reveal to you
what I would not confide to any other man or woman in the world.

FRED.   Not even to your wife?

SEL.   _Not to my wife above all_ others. Fred, I have been
off the line!

FRED.   A railway accident?

SEL.   No! The matrimonial line. Listen! I dined at Dobbinson's
last night. I ate a good deal and I drank more, in fact,
I think I was just a leetle--a very leetle bit----(Gesture.)

FRED.   "On?"

SEL.   I was going to say "off" but it's a detail. I walked
home and I _think_ I whistled. I generally whistle when I'm----

FRED.   "Off?"

SEL.   I was going to say "on," but it's a detail. I remember
that about the Marble Arch I saw a Vision of Loveliness approach
me. The vision evidently desired me to do her a favor----

FRED.   Had you ever saved _her_ life then?

SEL.   No! The timid creature only wanted to be directed
to Ludgate Hill; while endeavoring to explain a short cut we
walked as far as Piccadilly together. I believe I offered to
escort her.

FRED.   And she accepted?

SEL.   After _much_ hesitation! We chatted and got quite
good friends and at last passed by the "Geranium," a highly
respectable establishment, where, you know they admit ladies
as well as gentlemen.

FRED.   A cock and hen club!

SEL.   Yes--but that's a detail--suddenly the thought struck me
to ask her if she had supped and if she would accept--(Gesture.)
She replied, no!

FRED.   She refused?

SEL.   No. She said, "No, I have _not_ supped!"

FRED.   She accepted then.

SEL.   After _much_ hesitation----

FRED (digging him in the ribs).   Ah! Sly dog!

SEL.   Not at all! She got quite confidential and told me
her history--how her father had been a curate and got killed
at the battle of--no, that was her brother--at any rate, the
time passed most pleasantly, when all of a sudden she asked
me my name; I stammered a little--then----(Gesture.)

FRED.   You didn't give it?

SEL.   No, I gave _yours_!

FRED (starting up indignantly).   What! Give _my_ name to a
girl you picked up promiscuously----(SELWYN forces him back
into his seat.)

SEL.   She was a perfect lady, dear boy. Besides, what was
the use of _you_ saving _my_ life if I could not use your name?

FRED (pettishly).   Well? Go on.

SEL.   Then a faintness came over her--she wasn't used to
late hours!

FRED.   Of course not! They never are!

SEL. (talking glibly).   I rushed out to fetch a doctor, missed
my footing on the top step, and fell headlong amongst a group
of gentlemen on the pavement. "Drunken booby," said one of them,
giving me a push that sent me reeling. Off went my hat into the
gutter, _I_ went after it, and at last covered with indignation
and mud, I flew at the fellow and knocked _his_ hat off, too!

FRED.   This is getting exciting!

SEL.   We tussled furiously, I think I must have hurt his fist,
for my eye is precious painful (putting his hand to his face),
and then somebody shouted "police," and for a wonder an active
and intelligent officer at once appeared on the scene.

FRED.   And locked _you_ up?

SEL.   No! I hastily snatched the hat from the pavement and
ran like an antelope, but imagine my horror when I discovered
I had taken my antagonist's hat instead of _my own_!

FRED.   That didn't matter if it was as good, or better!

SEL.   It _did_ matter very much, for since I have had
two stolen I have always stuck my card on the inside and
consequently I expect to be shortly called upon, and called
out by the gentleman I insulted. It is not that I fear for my
own sake, but if it gets to my wife's ears I shall never hear
the last of it.

FRED.   What are you going to do?

SEL.   Simply be beforehand with my antagonist and disarm
his resentment by profuse apologies--his name is Tompkins I
have found that out.

FRED.   Where does he live?

SEL.   There's the rub, for it does not give his _address_
inside his hat, only his _name_! Now comes my need of _your_
help. Go and buy the _London Directory_, and with this hat
in one hand and that apology in the other call on all the
Tompkins's in the town!

FRED (protestingly).   Oh! I say, you know----(Rises and
goes, L.)

SEL. (rises and goes, R.).   What! Would you refuse? Oh,
that I ever should have allowed a man to save my life who
would afterward deny me such a simple favor as this!

FRED.   Look here, can't you send a servant?

SEL.   What? Entrust my secret to a mercenary? Frederick
Bellamy, _did_ you save my life, or did you not?

FRED (sulkily).   I did!

SEL.   Did I _ask_ you to do so?

FRED.   No, considering you were at the bottom of a pond at
the time you couldn't!

SEL.   You should have left me there if you only dived in to
drag me on shore to witness your ingratitude.

FRED.   Oh, bother! I suppose I must; where's the infernal
stovepipe?

SEL. (joyfully).   I _knew_ you would assist me and in return
I'll tell you something (whispering)--look out for a surprise!
(Aside.) Poor fellow, I know he adores my daughter and thinks
to let concealment like a thingamy in the bud feed on his
damask cheek! (Effusively.) Bless you, my boy!

FRED (aside).   I wish he wouldn't look so confoundedly
affectionate.

SEL.   Now you understand? Here's the letter and there's the
hat. (Putting them into his hands.) I'm off to dress while _you_
go and buy a directory!

FRED.   Buy a directory! I don't want to buy a directory!
I _hate_ directories!

SEL.   You should have thought of that before you saved
my life.

                                        (Exit SELWYN, R. U. E.

FRED.   I have had three months of this sort of thing. I
came to London for pleasure and I have suffered slavery ever
since. I hadn't been in town two days when looking over the
Serpentine Bridge I beheld a man struggling in the water. I
was weak enough to rescue him, and he immediately proved so
oppressively grateful that I have never been able to escape from
his clutches from that day to this. I would have gone back to
Bristol long ago, but there's my dear little Lottie Blithers
to whom I am secretly married and whom I would not desert for
untold gold. She keeps a glove shop in Bond street and I pass
most of my time in purchasing her stock in trade. This sort
of thing can't go on much longer!

SEL. (re-entering, R. U. E.).   What! Not gone yet? Suppose
my wife were to return or that Tompkins should turn up.

FRED (protesting).   That's all very well, but----?

SEL.   There's no time for "butting" now!

FRED.   Damn it! You don't want me to go without a coat,
do you? (He places on the escritoire the hat that SELWYN had
given him and goes off into his room, L. 2 E.)

SEL. (speaking to him off).   _Do_ make haste, there's a
good fellow! (Aside.) I _knew_ he wouldn't be ungrateful. I
knew that he wouldn't forget that I had saved his life, no,
I mean that _he_ had saved _mine_! (Calling off, L.) Ain't
you ready? (Aside.) He shall be repaid for this! One of these
days. I shall be able to grasp him by the hand and say--(calling
off.) What the devil are you doing?

    Re-enter FRED, L. 2 E.

FRED.   Don't shout! Here I am!

SEL.   At last!

    Enter DIBBS, quickly, R. 2 E.

DIBBS.   There's a cab just driven up to the door, sir. I
think it's the missus!

SEL. (to FRED).   Off you go! You have the letter? (Going,
L.) Not that way, you will meet her! Remember the directory,
and above all don't forget the name "Tompkins." It's engraven
in letters of enormous size on my heart. Get the same done
on yours!

                                     (Exit FRED, door at back.

SEL.   Now to hoodwink the wife! (Sitting down and taking
newspaper). I must meet her eye without flinching. (Enter
MRS. SELWYN and GRACE, at door in flat.) Ah, my dear, _so_
glad to see you back! (He kisses wife and daughter.)

MRS. S.   Have you been dull, Sam dear!

SEL. (most emphatically).   Dull! _Miserable!_ Regularly
downright, positively wretched.

MRS. S.   I didn't expect to find you up so soon as this.

SEL.   No! I shouldn't have been only--only----(Searching
for an excuse.)

DIBBS (chiming in, R.).   Only the master went to bed so
_early_ last night!

SEL. (aside to DIBBS).   Shut up!

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN).   Leave it to me, governor. I'll
pull you through!

MRS. S.   For all that, you look anything but well, you are
quite pale and haggard--it's a most extraordinary thing that
whenever I go to aunt's for a day or two I always find you
looking bad when I return.

SEL. (forcing smile).   Yes! it's the--the----

DIBBS (striking in).   It's the toothache!

GRACE (sympathetically).   Oh! papa dear, have you had the
toothache?

SEL.   Yes, my dear. (Aside; vexed.) He's given me the
toothache now! I'll give _him_ something presently! (Aloud.)
Ah, and how is your aunt, dear aunt Betty? Is the gout in her
foot better?

MRS. S.   Gout! You mean her asthma!

SEL.   Gout--asthma! Asthma--gout, just the same, it's only
a detail! All through my indigestion; it affects my memory.
Had it awful!

MRS. S.   Oh! I am _so_ sorry, dear! You _are_ looking queer!
Can we do anything, for you?

SEL.   Yes, no, it's the weather--so hot, you know.

MRS. S.   Hot! I thought it chilly!

SEL.   Ah! It may have been chilly where you were, it's been
warm _here_. In fact, yesterday was the warmest day I remember!

GRACE (aside to MRS. SELWYN).   Don't forget to tell him all
about Corney!

MRS. S. (aside to GRACE).   Presently, child.

GRACE.   He may be here at any moment, you know! (GRACE up
C. at window.)

MRS. S. (close behind SELWYN).   Sam, do _you_ know a Mr.
Tompkins?

SEL. (paralyzed by the suddenness of the question).   Tom--Tom
Tompkins! (Aside.) Has she found me out?

MRS. S. (quietly).   No, dear, not Tom Tompkins--Horace
Tompkins.

SEL.   I never saw, heard of, or spoke to a person of that
name in all my life!

MRS. S.   He's the new society poet and author of Midnight
Moans. I hear they've made quite a noise!

SEL.   No doubt, but I'm not partial to moans.

MRS. S.   The book was only lent me for an hour, and I am so
interested that I want Frederick to go out and buy a copy.

GRACE (aside, C., rather vexed).   I think ma might speak to
pa about Captain Katskill instead of her stupid poetry!

SEL.   Fred! Oh! He'll soon get it for you! Stop, though,
I forgot, he's gone out!

MRS. S.   So early?

SEL.   Yes. (To MRS. SELWYN, L.)

MRS. S.   Ah! here he is back again!

    Enter FRED quickly, at back, out of breath and with large
    Directory under his arm. He puts down Directory.

SEL. (Aside).   He surely cannot have tracked that Tompkins
to his lair already?

FRED.   Good morning, Mrs. Selwyn, hope you have enjoyed
your trip. (To SELWYN, aside). I say, old fellow, I forgot it
after all!

SEL. (aside to FRED).   Forgot what?

FRED (aside).   The hat!

SEL.   Horror, where did you leave it?

FRED (aside).   Here! (Points to hat just as MRS. SELWYN
casually picks it up.)

MRS. S.   Who's is this? (Looking inside.) Tompkins!

SEL. (aside to FRED).   Claim it!

FRED (to MRS. SELWYN).   It's mine!

SEL. (excitedly).   Yes, it's Fred's. (He snatches it and
claps it on FRED'S head, being too large it "bonnets" him.)

MRS. S. (in astonishment).   Surely, it cannot be!

DIBBS (coming between MR. SELWYN and MRS. SELWYN, aside).
I must pull them through again, or they'll make a mess of it!
(Aloud.) No, sir, _this_ is the hat you brought from the club
last night! I know it well, ma'am, name of Tompkins inside--the
master left his own behind and brought this one home instead!
Mr. Bellamy was only taking of it back. (Winks at MR. SELWYN;
aside.)

SEL. (relieved; aside).   This boy's a lovely liar! (Aloud.)
Yes!

FRED.   Yes!

MRS. S.   Why not have said so at first, dear?

SEL.   Oh, I was going to, but Dibbs put me out! (Aside to
DIBBS.) You shall have a sovereign for that taradiddle!

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN).   It was _the truth_!

SEL.   So it was! I withdraw my generous offer.

MRS. S. (rapturously gazing at hat).   And to think that hat
has probably covered the head of the author of "Midnight Moans."

FRED (aside to SELWYN).   Do you know how many Tompkins's
there are in the directory? Two hundred and eighty-nine!

SEL. (taken aback).   Two hundred and eighty-nine?

MRS. S.   Where does the poet Tompkins live!

SEL. (repeating mechanically).   Two hundred and eighty-nine!

MRS. S.   Two hundred and eighty-nine--in what street?

SEL.   Street--what street?

MRS. S.   Why the street where Mr. Tompkins lives!

FRED.   Well, I don't know exactly.

MRS. S.   You don't know! Then how could you be going to take
it back?

FRED (aside to SELWYN).   What shall I say?

DIBBS (aside).   They want _me_ again! (Aloud.) Oh! ma'am,
Mr. Bellamy was going to take it to the club--Mr. Tompkins's
address is sure to be known there!

                                               (Exit, R. U. E.

MRS. S.   I see! If at the same time, Mr. Bellamy, you could
inquire if it was the talented Tompkins who wrote the "Frozen
Tear," I should be obliged.

SEL. (impatiently).   Yes! yes, but we must not keep Frederick!
Remember the gentleman is hatless all this while. _Do_ be off,
Bellamy, my boy!

FRED (aside).   I suppose I must, but if ever I save anybody's
life again, may I be----

SEL.   Don't dawdle, dear boy--don't dawdle!

              (Exit FRED, hurried off by SELWYN, door in flat.

GRACE.   _Now_, ma, I hope you will speak----

MRS. S.   Yes, my child--yes!

SEL.   At last he has gone, the ill-omened hat has left my
house I hope never to return!

FRED (rushing in again).   Forgotten the directory!

SEL.   Oh!

MRS. S.   What directory?

SEL.   Here it is! (Throwing it at FRED, who catches it.)

MRS. S.   What does Fred want that for?

SEL.   Amusement, mere amusement, to pass the time in the
cab--_you_ read, my dear, when _you_ travel!

MRS. S.   But _I_ read poetry!

SEL.   What does it signify--poetry or directory, a mere matter
of detail--tastes differ--he likes directory! (Aside to FRED.)
Get out or I shall have a fit!

FRED.   But you know I have not had my breakfast yet!

SEL.   Breakfast! And he can think of feeding at a moment
like this! Oh! buy a biscuit as you go along, or you can eat
the directory if you like when you have found the owner of the
hat! This delay is maddening. (SELWYN hustles FRED off again.)

MRS. S.   There is something the matter with Samuel, his
manner's so strange this morning!

SEL.   Once more relieved!

MRS. S.   Samuel!

SEL.   Bella!

MRS. S.   I want to speak to you about Gracie. She's nearly
nineteen, and we ought to be thinking about seeing her settled.

SEL.   There's no hurry--she's too young!

MRS. S.   She's older than I was when we were married; I was
only seventeen.

SEL.   It's a most extraordinary fact that every woman with
a tall daughter was married at seventeen, or says she was!

MRS. S.   Sam, in _my_ case you _know_ it's true; besides,
there are good reasons why we should talk about Gracie.

SEL. (aside).   Fred has been dropping hints on the subject,
evidently.

MRS. S.   Speaking in her name I think I may tell you she
has seen some one she can care about.

SEL. (assuming authority).   Um! What! without consulting me?

GRACE (aside to MRS. SELWYN).   Oh, ma! suppose he says "no!"

MRS. S.   Hush!

SEL.   And who might the gentleman be? (Aside.) It is as well
to pretend to be blind! (Aloud.) Who is he? What is he?

    Enter DIBBS, R. 2 E.

DIBBS.   Your barber, sir!

SEL.   My barber!

DIBBS.   Yes, sir, waiting in your dressing-room--and please,
ma'am, there's your dressmaker waiting in your's!

SEL.   I mustn't keep him waiting! If he got tired he'd lose
his temper and I should probably lose a bit of my chin.

                                               (Exit, R. U. E.

GRACE.   Interrupted again! It _is_ vexing!

MRS. S.   I can't keep Mrs. Frillet, or she'd never let me
know the latest fashions before anyone else! Dibbs, go to the
Circulating Library and ask for the "_Frozen Tear_."

DIBBS.   Yes, ma'am! Shall I wait while it's put in ice, ma'am.

MRS. S.   Stupid boy! The "_Frozen Tear_" is by Horace
Tompkins, it's his latest and most fiery production. Go!

                                   (Exit MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.

DIBBS.   First she says it's frozen, then it's fiery! She
may call it poetry, I call it bosh! (GRACE sits, L.)

SEL. (putting head in at door, R., and beckoning DIBBS).
Remember, Dibbs, I am at home to no one!

DIBBS (low that GRACE may not hear).   Right, sir! Now to
fetch the "red hot icicle" or whatever it is!

                                          (Exit, door at back.

GRACE.   Ten o'clock and pa not yet told that I am engaged!
It's too bad, Corney will be here in half an hour!

TILLY (entering, L. U. E.).   A gentleman, miss, says he
wants to see Mr Selwyn.

GRACE.   It must be Captain Katskill! Ask him to come in!
(Exit TILLY, L. U. E.) How my heart beats! (Re-enter TILLY
with BLITHERS.) It's _not_ Corney! (BLITHERS is a doddering
old gentleman of bland manners, reddish sandy hair, very short
and standing up all over his head; also big whiskers; in his
hand he carries a fashionable hat, evidently not his own. He
speaks throughout in the blandest tones; he wears enormous
boots built expressly to suit a sufferer from bunions.)

BLITH.   Oh! I beg pardon, miss, but I believe Mr.--(looking
inside hat)--Selwyn lives here?

GRACE.   My father, sir. If you will take a seat I will
call him. (BLITHERS bows grotesquely and sits, L. Exit GRACE,
R. U. E.)

BLITH.   A nice little girl! (A card falls from his pocket
as he pulls out handkerchief.) Bother it! I have forgotten
my wife's instructions again! "Always give your card to the
servant when you make a call," says Susan, "it's etiquette and
it's likely to bring business." She always sees I have plenty of
cards in my pocket, but I mostly forget to give them. (Looking
at card.) Bosco Blithers, professor of penmanship and author of
"_Pot-hooks and Hangers_." I had better drop a few about. (He
places cards on table, mantelpiece, etc., etc., then comes
down and sits on edge of chair.) This Mr. Selwyn must be pretty
well off to judge by his place here and his hat. He left it at
Mr. Dobbinson's while I was giving the juvenile Dobbinson's
their writing lesson, and so I was forced to put on his or
return bareheaded. (Puts on hat which is too small for him,
and looks in glass, C.)

    Enter DIBBS quickly.

DIBBS.   Couldn't get missus's "_Iced Weep_" at any price.
I daresay they won't keep in this hot weather. Who's the
venerable party?

BLITH. (noting DIBBS and taking off hat).   Oh, I beg pardon!

DIBBS.   Waiting for the governor, mister?

BLITH.   Yes, Mr. (looks in hat)--Mr. Selwyn!

DIBBS (aside).   Whew! Suppose this should be that Tompkins,
the owner of the hat! The parlor-maid opened the door to you,
eh, sir?

BLITH.   Yes, I presume so. She said I should find Mr. (looking
in hat)--Selwyn in this room.

DIBBS.   That's where she's wrong! The governor has gone out!

BLITH.   I'm sorry!

DIBBS.   He may not be back for some time; if you were to
drop in again, in a week or two perhaps?

BLITH.   Pardon me, young man, but Mr. Selwyn's daughter just
told me her father _was_ at home!

DIBBS (aside).   The devil she did? That's a doubler-up for
master! (He strikes forehead and paces up and down.)

BLITH. (watching DIBBS).   A somewhat eccentric domestic!

DIBBS (aside).   I've got it! Hurrah! I'll frighten the old
bird! (Rings bell. Enter TILLY, L. U. E.) Where are master's
pistols, and did they send the new swords that were ordered
yesterday? (Aside.) Say, yes.

TILLY (puzzled).   Ye-es!

TILLY.   Then put them in the armory with the other deadly
weapons? Have the forty score of ball cartridges come? (Aside.)
Say, yes!

TILLY.   Yes-es.

DIBBS.   Put them in the ammunition room handy, for Mr.
Selwyn will want them all this week.

TILLY.   Poor boy! Love turns his brain, I ought not to have
been so cruel to him!

                                               (Exit, L. U. E.

BLITH. (puzzled).   Mr. Selwyn seems to be fond of firearms!

DIBBS.   Fond of 'em! He always has something dangerous
about him, reckons himself the best shot in these parts; he's
obliged to be for he _never_ apologises; if anybody calls for
satisfaction (pointing at BLITHERS, who is alarmed) bang! he
drops 'em!

BLITH. (aside).   A nice amiable employer! (Aloud). I don't
see what all this has to do with me!

DIBBS (aside).   He's a determined old dog!

    Enter SELWYN, R. U. E.

SEL. (up stage).   Dibbs! (Seeing BLITHERS.) A visitor?

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN).   It's the hat man!

SEL. (nervously).   I told you not to admit anyone!

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN).   It was Tilly did it! Be careful,
sir, he's not to be trifled with! Beware, sir, beware!

                                         (Exit DIBBS, L. U. E.

SEL. (aside).   I would give a wagon load of gold watches to
be somebody else this minute!

BLITH. (ceremoniously).   I have the honor to address Mr.
Selwyn?

SEL.   Yes--es! (Aside.) I don't like his eye!

BLITH.   I have merely called for a little explanation----

SEL. (aside and looking off).   If my wife comes now I'm
done for!

BLITH. (aside).   He seems to take no notice! (Louder.) Sir,
I have called for the purpose----

SEL.   Hush! Not so loud!

BLITH.   I beg pardon. (Aside.) Somebody ill, I suppose.
(Aloud.) There has been a little misunderstanding about
a hat----

SEL. (looking off).   My wife! It's all over! (He collapses.)

    Enter MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.

MRS. S.   Oh! I beg pardon! I thought you were alone.

SEL. (confused).   So I am--no, I mean--I wish I were!

MRS. S.   Do I disturb you?

BLITH.   Not at all, ma'am, its only about----

SEL. (anxiously interrupting).   Somebody is calling you, dear!

MRS. S.   I don't think so! (To BLITHERS.) What were you
saying, sir?

BLITH.   It's merely a mistake about a hat.

SEL. (aside).   Would it were down his throat!

BLITH.   I want my own in exchange!

MRS. S.   Of course, my husband explained all about it,
in fact, he was going to send it back!

SEL. (anxious to get rid of him).   Oh, yes! You may rely
on having it sent back, so if you will----(points to door,
BLITHERS is about to go.)

MRS. S.   No! The gentleman had better wait now. Pray sit down,
sir, Mr. Bellamy will return soon with your hat.

BLITH.   Oh, thank you, ma'am! (Crosses R., to table.)

MRS. S.   He does not _look_ like a poet, but who can judge
by outward appearances?

BLITH. (aside).   Why does she examine me so minutely? This
is a funny family!

MRS. S.   I presume you belong to the same club as my husband,
since you exchanged hats.

BLITH.   Oh, no! I don't belong----

SEL. (aside to BLITHERS).   Don't deny it unless you would
ruin me.

BLITH. (aside).   I see! He doesn't want it known that he
dined out at the Dobbinson's last night!

MRS. S. (sentimentally to BLITHERS).   I wish ladies were
allowed to frequent clubs. I would give the world to mix
amongst authors, painters and poets. (Pointedly.) Oh, how I
have longed to know a real live poet!

BLITH.   I dare say, ma'am!

MRS. S. (aside).   He seemed to start at the word! I will
draw him out! (Aloud.) I have read your last book, and oh! it
is delightful!

BLITH. (aside).   She means my "Treatise on Penmanship."
(Aloud.) I have had many testimonials from former pupils!

MRS. S. (aside).   A poet take pupils! (Aloud.) Do you really
mean to say you can teach people to write as beautifully as
you do?

BLITH. (proudly).   Much better! My hand is not so steady as
it was twenty years ago!

MRS. S.   I am indeed glad to have met you, I once saw the
top of Alfred Tennyson's head from a balcony, and Swinburne's
boots outside his door at a Parisian hotel, but I never actually
_spoke_ to a great writer before!

BLITH.   Oh, ma'am, you make me blush!

MRS. S.   Do I? (Rapturously.) Blush on, oh! blush on, genius
of the goosequill!

BLITH.   I never use them! Give me a good "Falcon" pen.

MRS. S.   Would it be too much to ask you to spare me one
of your old pens--one with which you had dashed off some
sweet sonnet!

BLITH. (aside, uneasily).   There's lunacy in the family!

MRS. S.   I have known many Tompkins's, but all were common
creatures.

BLITH. (aside).   What does she mean? (Aloud.) No doubt, mum,
so have I!

MRS. S.   Would you, I tremble to ask it, but, oh!--would
you mind writing something in my poor little album?

BLITH. (hesitating).   Well, mum----

MRS. S.   I know it's asking too much--but just one line--one
little line!

BLITH.   Well, while I was about it, I might as well dash off
a page or two!--you know I have several styles. (Flourishing
hand as if holding pen.)

MRS. S.   I know! I know! Liquid lava runs from your pen
as fluently as icy sarcasm. Excuse me one moment. (Aside.)
I will fetch my album and get him to compose an impromptu
while he is in the mood.

                                    (Exit MRS. SELWYN, R. 2 E.

SEL. (gratefully).   Thanks for your generous silence! Had
my wife an inkling about the events of yesterday my future
would be blasted. Where do you live, sir?

BLITH.   Oh! In Bond street--same place where you have sent
my hat.

SEL. (anxiously).   Time is short now, but to-morrow I will
call and make every reparation in my power, if an apology will
be accepted.

BLITH.   Apology! (Aside.) How very polite! (Aloud.) No!
no apology! (SELWYN attempts to follow him.) No. I'll not hear
of it! (Very blandly.) Good morning!

                                          (Exit, door at back.

SEL. (sinking into chair, R.).   No apology! I see he's bent
on blood! How I hate these deliberate duelists that never show
the passion that sways their innermost souls! (Starting up.)
What shall I do?

    Enter MRS. SELWYN with book, R.

MRS. S.   Here's the album, Mr. Tom--(Looking round.) Oh!
Sam, why did you let him go? He may never call again!

SEL.   I hope not!

MRS. S. (piqued).   If _you_ don't care for poetry _I_
do! (Going to where BLITHERS sat.) This chair shall not be
used by unappreciative persons--I will have the seat taken
out and framed!

    Enter TILLY, at back.

TILLY.   Please, sir, there's a young gentleman in the hall
wants to speak to you; this is his card!

                                                  (Exit TILLY.

    Enter GRACE, R. 2 E.

SEL. (taking card).   "Captain Cornelius Katskill." I am not
at home, I never shall be at home again; what does he want?

MRS. S. (aside to SELWYN).   Oh, Sam, I forgot to tell
you after all. It's the young Irish officer we met at the
Claremonts' and who was so attentive to Grace, in fact,
I fully expect he has called to ask permission to consider
himself formally engaged to her.

SEL.   Grace engaged! What nonsense; she _is_ engaged,
isn't she?

GRACE (indignantly).   No, papa!

SEL.   Yes, you are! Or you are going to be, which is just
the same, to my friend Fred Bellamy. I must repay him for
saving my life!

GRACE.   "Pay," papa! You talk of me as though I were a cheque
instead of a child! I don't _love_ Mr. Bellamy!

SEL.   Not love him! He saved your father's life, and you
dare to say you don't love him; this is the gratitude of girls!
(Crosses to L.)

GRACE.   I can't--I can't; for I love somebody else.

SEL.   Somebody else! You mustn't, can't, won't, don't,
or shan't love somebody else!

GRACE.   Yes, I do!

MRS. S.   Yes, she does, and you wouldn't be brute enough to
coerce her young affections, would you?

SEL. (savagely).   Yes, I would! Young affections! Young
fiddlesticks! (Crosses, R.)

MRS. S. (going L., consoling GRACE).   Never mind, my child,
your father is without poetry! and consequently without feeling!
Ugh! you brute.

                       (Exeunt GRACE and MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.

SEL.   I will never sacrifice my Frederick! Never! Never!
(Calling.) Dibbs!

    Enter DIBBS, L. U. E.

DIBBS.   Yessir!

SEL.   Give the gentleman his card back, tell him to call again
next year, say that we have got the sweeps or the measles in
the house, at any rate get him to go! Where's my felt hat?

DIBBS.   Billycock, sir? Yessir!

                                         (Exit DIBBS, R. U. E.

SEL. (aside).   Let me see, I must call on this bloodthirsty
poet to begin with--Dibbs! Where's that felt hat?

    Enter DIBBS with felt hat and umbrella.

DIBBS.   Here you are, sir! and here's a letter, sir, just
brought by a commissionaire--marked important, he says it's
from a young lady.

SEL.   Give it to me! (Reading envelope.) "Fred Bellamy,
Esq." perhaps its from the girl to whom I gave his name last
night! Shall I open it? Yes! He saved my life, and from that
moment he gave me the right to----(Reading.) Great Scott!
"Bond street. Darling, Come to me at once! I have told father
all about it; he is not so angry as I expected! Remember what
you said last night! Come--straight to him as you promised
and explain all.--Your loving LOTTIE. P. S.--If you don't
come, I shall call on you, as of course there will be no
occasion for secrecy _now_, so you won't want me to keep
away!" This is a nice state of things! I must go to her.
Where does she live? (Looking at letter.) Bond street! It's
an elongated thoroughfare, but never mind, I _must_ find her
or her appearance here would cause me to contemplate suicide!
(He puts down letter on table; springs up and down as if looking
for something; he unconsciously puts on hat.) First, I must go to
Bond street, and apologize to this "Lottie," then I must call on
the passionate poet and explain--no, I'm mixing them up. It's the
poet I have to apologize to and the girl I have got to keep quiet!
Dibbs, where is my hat? (Looks all over room.)

DIBBS.   I gave it to you, sir--why, you have got it on!

SEL.   So I have! (While they have been looking for hat, MRS.
SELWYN has come in L. U. E. and carelessly taken up open
letter SELWYN put down; as she reads her expression changes
from indifference to anger. SELWYN turns and sees her, then
stands aghast. Music piano until end of act; then forte.)

MRS. S. (severely).   Whose is this? (Holding up letter, C.)

SEL.   Mine! I mean--yours! (DIBBS laughs; SELWYN pelts him.)

MRS. S. (sobbing).   You men are all alike, I'll have
a divorce!

SEL. (at his wits end).   Allow me to explain!

DIBBS (aside).   Leave it to me! (Crosses to C. aloud.) Please,
mum, _it's mine_!

MRS. S. (drying her tears).   I believe neither of you!

SEL. (indignantly).   Dibbs, how dare you tell your mistress
such a villainous falsehood! You will end your days in an
editor's office if you go on like this. My dear, I will tell
you the _truth_--it's _not_ mine, but Fred's!

MRS. S.   Prove it!

SEL.   Look at the envelope! (Picking up envelope from floor,
where he has previously thrown it.) Same hand, see! (Aside.)
Poor Fred! I have had to throw you overboard to save the ship!

MRS. S. (examining envelope and letter).   Yes, it is the
same writing. The reprobate! _Now_, I suppose you don't want
Grace to marry him! (Bitterly.)

SEL.   Yes, I do!

MRS. S. (firmly).   Mr. Bellamy leaves this house to-morrow!

SEL.   He shan't!

MRS. S.   He shall! (Quarrel worked up between them until
MRS. SELWYN in great passion seizes an umbrella to strike
at SELWYN; he avoids the blow, and BLITHERS entering C.,
quickly at moment, still with tall hat in hand, receives it
full on top of his head. BLITHERS turns and flies in dismay
at his reception. MRS. SELWYN faints. DIBBS dances with joy
at everybody's discomfiture.)


QUICK ACT DROP.




ACT II.


SCENE:--The same; MRS. SELWYN is discovered seated at secretaire
writing; GRACE looking over her shoulder.

MRS. S.   That will do, I think! (Strikes bell.)

    Enter DIBBS.

DIBBS.   Yes'm!

MRS. S.   Dibbs, I have a somewhat confidential errand to
send you upon. You know the young gentleman who sent in his
card this morning?

DIBBS.   Yes, ma'am--good looking gent--touch of the brogue
about him!

MRS. S.   That's right! Take this letter to the address upon
it, and give it into his own hands--remember, _his own hands_.

DIBBS.   Suttingly, mum! (Going towards door.)

MRS. S.   And, Dibbs,--ahem--you need not mention your errand
to my husband.

DIBBS.   Not for the world, ma'am. (Aside.) Another secret!
If this don't get me a rise at the end of the month nothing
will!

                                                (Exit at back.

GRACE.   It _is_ good of you, mamma, to help us at a time
when papa seems so unreasonable--I will never have Mr. Bellamy,
never!

MRS. S.   You never shall, my darling, but hush, here comes
one of the enemy. (They sit, one on R., the other on L.)

    Enter FRED still with Directory and hat in his hands;
    he falls exhausted in arm chair.

FRED.   Pouf! A nice time I have had of it! (Seeing ladies
and coming C.) Oh! I beg pardon, Mrs. Selwyn and Miss Grace!
(They take no notice of him.) They don't hear me apparently!
(Aloud.) It's very cool to-day, don't you think so? (They turn
their backs on him and give him the cut direct; MRS. SELWYN,
R., GRACE, L.) This is strange! May I ask if Mr. Selwyn has
gone out? (They remain silent.) Is this a joke or a new parlor
game? (Speaking loudly.) I beg pardon, but is Mr. Selwyn
at home?

MRS. S. (turning towards him with icy coldness).   Were you
addressing _us_, Mr. Bellamy?

FRED.   Yes! that was my intention!

MRS. S.   I am surprised you should dare to show your face
here!

GRACE.   Even if you _did_ save papa's life you have no right
to make _me_ miserable!

MRS. S.   No _gentleman_ would attempt to force his affections
where they are not wanted!

FRED.   Excuse me!

MRS. S.   Especially after such deceit which has luckily been
discovered in time; of course we cannot argue with you if your
own sense of honor does not prompt you to do what is right.

FRED (puzzled).   Really, Mrs. Selwyn, you must be more
explicit!

MRS. S.   We have said all that need be said to anyone with
a spark of proper feeling. Good day, Mr. Bellamy!

GRACE (imitating her mother).   Good day, sir! (They courtesy
very formally and go out, L. U. E.)

FRED (following them he has door slammed in his face, then
putting down hat and Directory).   What _does_ this mean? I'm
sent on a wild goose chase after a confounded Tompkins and on my
return I am coolly snubbed by the wife and daughter of the man
for whom I am slaving! I won't put up with it! No! Thirty-seven
Tompkinses have I tracked to their several and respective
abodes. Most of them lived at the top of the houses, too!
(Noting card left by BLITHERS.) What's this, "Bosco Blithers!"
What does it mean? He's my Lottie's father-in-law--what can
_he_ want here? Pshaw! He can't have called here at all,
I must have dropped the card myself! (Sitting down again, L.)

SEL. (entering exhausted, C.).   I'm done up! They ought not
to be allowed to make such long streets. (He sits.) Hullo!
Do you know where that Dibbs is?

FRED.   Not the least idea!

SEL. (wiping his forehead).   I want to know if a young--a
female has been here for me--have you seen one?

FRED.   How the deuce can I tell? Haven't I just returned
from my Tompkins's hunting?

SEL.   I thought I saw her in a cab and ran a mile before I
could get a peep inside. Oh, Fred! old man, if you knew how my
heart was aching, and my corns were shooting, you would pity me!

FRED.   Look here, Mr. Selwyn, I can't stay here to hound
down the entire Tompkins's tribe. I shall leave town to-night!

SEL.   What? Desert me in the moment of danger?

FRED.   I'm no welcome guest in this house--the ladies don't
like me!

SEL.   Not like you! They _must_ like you, they shall dote
on the very ground you walk on!

FRED.   I don't expect that, but I object to being openly
snubbed.

SEL.   Oh, it will soon blow over--don't take any notice--it's
their way--mere whim--women are so whimmy!

FRED.   But you know when it comes to----

SEL. (rising and crossing to him).   I apologize! There!
I don't know _what_ they did, but whatever it was I profess
the utmost regret that it should have occurred--this is no time
for us to part, we are each seated on a volcano--(Whispering.)
_She's written to me!_

FRED.   Who?

SEL.   _The girl I met last night!_ She said she wanted to see
me at once--but forgot to put her number in Bond street in her
letter, so I have been trotting up and down for three hours
inquiring for her by her Christian name, as I know no other.
I want to buy her silence! That's volcano number one!

FRED.   What's the other Vesuvius?

SEL.   "_Tompkins_" has been here! You know Tompkins,
the duelist.

FRED.   No!

SEL.   I offered to apologize to him, too, but he was one of
those bland but bloodthirsty fellows who thirst for human
gore--he wouldn't hear of it--I got his address, I flew
to humiliate myself on his doorstep, but he had given me a
false one.

FRED.   A false doorstep!

SEL.   No, a false address--but we must find the real one--go
on, dear boy, go on with your search. (Handing Directory and
hat.) Take your implements! Stanley discovered Livingstone,
why shouldn't Bellamy discover Tompkins?

FRED.   It's as bad as the treadmill--they all live in lodgings
and just under the tiles, these beastly Tompkinses!

SEL.   How many of the infernal family have you found already?

FRED.   Thirty-seven!

SEL.   Did you question them?

FRED.   Minutely! Three of them acknowledged to having had
a fight last night.

SEL.   Ah!

FRED.   One with a sweep, one with a dog, and one with
his wife!

SEL.   There are two hundred and fifty-two left
to cross-examine. I have heard more about him since you
left--he's a poet! Author of the _Frost-bitten Nose_, or
something that sends a shiver down your back and makes your
spine jingle like a Christy minstrel's bones!

FRED (aside).   If he thinks I'm going for ever on this
Tompkins's hunting, he's much mistaken! I shall go straight
to my Lottie and stop there! (Crosses to R.) That's what I
shall do!

SEL.   That's right! Once more into the breach, dear boy!
If you are tired take a cab--I'll go halves in it with you!
(Exit FRED, C.) What devotion! Can I refuse to let this man
marry my daughter? No!

DIBBS (entering, L. U. E.).   Mr. Bellamy not here, sir?

SEL.   Just gone out! What do you want?

DIBBS.   It's another messenger with another letter "from
the same lady as before" he said! (SELWYN seizes and tears
it open nervously aside.) Now, I'll just go and tell Captain
Katskill the governor's alone. Missus told me to watch for
an opportunity.

                                         (Exit DIBBS, L. U. E.

SEL.   She says she knows I must be ill or I would come to
her--she will be here in an hour! Horror upon horror's head!
No address again! Oh, why won't women complete their letters?
(Re-enter DIBBS, L. U. E.) Dibbs, where's the messenger?

DIBBS.   Gone, sir!

SEL.   Perhaps I could catch him--I'll do a bit of sprinting!
(Rushes off, C.)

DIBBS.   Hi! sir, I never told you which way he went! (Rushes
after him, C.)

    Enter BLITHERS, L. U. E., with hat as before.

BLITH.   Thank you! Thank you, my good girl, don't trouble,
I know the way! Sir, I--nobody here! Well, I must wait.
(Puts hat down on chair in front of secretaire and seats
himself on sofa.) This time I will _not leave_ without my own
hat. I can't attend at Dr. Swishby's in this! The boys would
pelt me! I have already missed two private lessons and my wife
has been blowing me up as high as a kite. (Puts hat on chair
L. of table R.)

    Enter CAPTAIN KATSKILL, L. U. E.

CAPT. K. (he speaks with slight Irish accent).   There he is!
Now for it! Charge!

BLITH. (seeing CAPTAIN KATSKILL).   Hullo! an arrival!

CAPT. K.   Sir, I salute you!

BLITH. (most politely).   Sir, I do ditto! (They bow.)

CAPT. K.   A quare collection of fatures to have on one face.
What of that? It's the daughter I want, not the father.

BLITH. (aside).   This must be Mr. Selwyn's son, I presume!

CAPT. K.   Excuse me want of boldness----

BLITH.   Not at all! Fine day?

CAPT. K.   Sor, it is within your power to make it the finest
day of all me life!

BLITH.   Eh? (Aside.) An excitable young man! (Aloud.)
How's your father?

CAPT. K.   When we last heard from Ballybog--that was two
weeks ago----

BLITH.   Two weeks!

CAPT. K.   You know he was over there, did you not?

BLITH.   I cannot say I did! (Aside.) It isn't Selwyn's son
at all! (Aloud.) Might I inquire your name, sir?

CAPT. K.   Didn't ye know it? Captain Katskill, of the
55th--the fighting 55th!

BLITH. (as if he recognized him).   Oh! indeed, I am delighted
to hear it! (Aside.) Who is he?

CAPT. K.   You can, of course, guess the object of my visit?

BLITH.   Well, yes--and on the other hand _no_! (Aside.) He
evidently knows _me_. (Aloud.) Of course, I should be in a
better position to answer if----

CAPT. K.   Sir, excuse egotism, but in such a position as
mine it is necessary to talk of one's self! I am an only son.

BLITH.   Fortunate privilege!

CAPT. K.   My father was a soldier like myself and an
honorable man----

BLITH.   I do not doubt it!

CAPT. K.   My grandfather was in the army, too, and known in
the Peninsula as "Devil-may-care Katskill."

BLITH.   I congratulate you on your connections! (Aside.)
What does he want to be so communicative for?

CAPT. K.   Your next question naturally is, "What is your
fortune? What are your prospects?"

BLITH.   Sir! I would not take so great a liberty!

CAPT. K.   From an uncle on my mother's side I shall come
into five hundred a year.

BLITH.   Not to be sneezed at, certainly!

CAPT. K.   At present I have only my pay, and about two
hundred a year from my father; but the Kilkenny Katskills were
never rich, and always better hands at drawing a sword than
a cheque. Is this an answer to your inquiries?

BLITH. (bowing).   Sir, you are very polite! (Aside.) It
seems the thing in society to make known your exact financial
position! I will return the compliment. (Aloud.) Sir, I am
the fifteenth child of a score of pledges Heaven sent to bless
my parents' declining years--my early days were passed----

CAPT. K. (attempting to stop him).   Oh! Don't mention it!

BLITH. (insisting).   Passed at the village of
Slopton-on-the-Slushy.

CAPT. K.   Do not give me a description of your past life!
(With passion.) I love your charming child!

BLITH. (astounded).   What!

CAPT. K.   To obtain her hand is my ardent aspiration!

BLITH. (aside).   What a match for my girl. (Aloud.) Pray sit
down, sir. (Noticing that CAPTAIN KATSKILL is about to sit down
on chair by secretary where hat is placed.) But _not_ on my hat!

CAPT. K.   A thousand pardons! (Politely handing it to
BLITHERS, he reads name inside.) "Selwyn," his card is at
the bottom.

BLITH.   May I ask how you came to know I was here?

CAPT. K.   It was your excellent wife who sent me to you.

BLITH.   You have seen her? She knows about your pretensions?

CAPT. K.   She honors me by her preference--as does your
jewel of a daughter.

BLITH.   It's as good as settled then?

CAPT. K.   I now only await _your_ consent. (Rising.)

BLITH.   You have it, my boy! Bless you! (With emotion.)

CAPT. K.   Oh! How can I testify my gratitude?

BLITH.   By being good to the girl--for I love her as if she
were my own.

CAPT. K.   As _if_ she were--Is she _not_ your own?

BLITH.   I am her step father only!

CAPT. K.   But she bears your name?

BLITH. (explaining on fingers).   Yes, I married my cousin's
widow, so our names are the same. When do you propose to be
married? (Putting back chair.)

CAPT. K. (ardently).   As soon as possible!--Sooner if
not before!

BLITH.   You are a Hibernian, and therefore impetuous.

CAPT. K.   Yet I was afraid to meet you! For I thought you
favored a certain Mr. Bellamy.

BLITH.   No! Although I have heard he has been making up to my
girl--and has bought a good many pairs of new gloves! Ha! Ha!

CAPT. K.   Ha Ha! (Aside.) I don't know what he's laughing
at--but I suppose it's all right. (Aloud.) Allow me to take
my leave. (Bowing.)

BLITH.   Don't mention it! (Both bowing. Exit CAPTAIN
KATSKILL, L. U. E.)

BLITH.   We shall be a polite family when we get this young
man amongst us! Now about this hat--I seem to be forgotten
altogether. Hullo!

    Enter FRED, C., much agitated and still with Directory
    and hat.

FRED.   At last I have caught you!

BLITH. (aside).   This is the young man commissioned to
restore my beaver.

FRED.   You know all!

BLITH. (puzzled).   That's rather a _lot_ to know--but
still----

FRED.   Hush! For two hours I have been following in your
footsteps--(Restraining BLITHERS, who wishes to speak.) She
tells me she has written twice--but what has become of her
letters? When I arrived at the little shop I learnt all! They
told me you were here, and so I rushed back to catch you!

BLITH.   To catch me? What for?

FRED.   Oh! sir, _I_ am young--_she_ is young--_you_ were
young--once!

BLITH.   Yes, but----

FRED.   Sir, _she_ is lovely--_I_ am considered fairly
good-looking--_you_ may have been good-looking yourself!

BLITH.   No! I----

FRED.   Yes--I insist on giving you the benefit of the doubt!
Sir, we loved! That is our excuse!

BLITH.   _You_ loved? _Who_ loved?

FRED.   I am of good family--my grandfather----

BLITH.   Was "Devil-may-care-Kilkenny!"--No! (Aside.) That
was the other fellow's grandfather!

FRED.   No! He was a druggist--and my father----

BLITH.   Stop! I have had enough pedigree for one day.

FRED.   You have a right to be wrathful! I know I should
have told you all this before--but, sir, you are not inhuman,
and remember I loved her so!

BLITH. (aside).   He must be mad like the servant! Perhaps
this is an asylum! (Aloud, uneasily.) Come! Come! My good
young man! Be calm! Are you often like this?

FRED.   Always! And always shall be until you forgive me!
Oh! sir, we will take a pretty country cottage, and you shall
live with us--we will watch over your declining years! And
our babes unborn will circle round your bedside--and close
your venerable eyelids when you leave us!

BLITH. (irritated).   No, thank you! You will please request
your babes to let my eyelids alone!

FRED.   It can't be! Say--Oh! say you forgive me and open
your withered arms to embrace the most repentant of sons-in-law.

BLITH.   Sons-in-law!

FRED.   Don't be angry with poor little Lottie!

BLITH.   Angry with my daughter? What for?

FRED.   Why--for what she's done! Don't you know all about it?

BLITH.   No!

FRED.   They told me you _did_!

BLITH.   Look here, young man--to prevent more mixing we had
better begin at the beginning--I am Bosco Blithers--Who the
deuce are you?

FRED.   Whom should I be but Frederick Bellamy?

BLITH. (aside).   Lottie's best glove customer. (Aloud.) Well,
what do you want?

FRED.   Your consent, it is too late to ask--but your
forgiveness you cannot refuse----

BLITH.   I can--and I do! Lottie is engaged to Captain
Cornelius Katskill.

FRED.   Engaged! She _can't_ be!

BLITH.   I tell you she is! For she loves him to distraction!
He confessed it!

FRED (in passion).   If he said that he is a----

BLITH. (stopping him).   Hush!

FRED.   So he _is_, if he dared say that! He shall withdraw
his words or I will kill him. (Crossing, L.)

BLITH.   Kill my future son-in-law! I forbid you!

FRED.   What! Do _you_ defend him?

    Enter SELWYN, R. 2 E.

SEL.   What's this? Fred confabulating with the duellist!

FRED (to BLITHERS).   It's no use! I will fight! Return to
your Irishman, and tell him so! (Business. BLITHERS endeavoring
to pacify FRED.)

SEL.   What's all this about?

BLITH. (who has given up restraining FRED, in despair. FRED
down L., in chair).   About? About as near to raving madness
as ever was seen! Go and buy a straight-jacket, sir, he's
a lunatic. While you are at the straight waistcoat shop you
may as well purchase half a dozen, for he's not the only madman
on the premises.

                                      (Exit BLITHERS, L. U. E.

SEL.   I see it all! He would save my life a second time,
by challenging this deliberate desperado!

    Enter MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.

MRS. S.   What _is_ the matter, Sam?

SEL.   I don't know--I'll ask Fred! Fred! my dear boy, what is
the matter? (FRED has sunk down with his face in his hands, L.)
On what are you meditating, Fred?

FRED.   I am meditating why I did not let you stop at the
bottom of the lake. I mean to leave this wretched London,
where all is perfidy and deceit!

    Enter GRACE, L. U. E.

FRED (going up to GRACE).   Good-bye, Miss Selwyn, and
good-bye, Mrs. Selwyn, good-bye, Sam. If I met the wretch who
has supplanted me in her affections I should slay him. Tell
her that I return to my native village to avoid having to kill
her Cornelius.

MRS. S. and GRACE (horror stricken).   Kill Cornelius! (Going
R.)

FRED.   Yes! I will spare the man she loves--but we must not
meet, or I will not be answerable for my acts.

SEL.   Oh! bosh! What are you talking about? Who is this
Cornelius? Cheer up, Fred, and she shall marry _you_--and
not _him_!

MRS. S. and GRACE.   Never!

FRED.   Too late! I know she prefers my rival! It's all
settled.

SEL.   Settled! It's _not_ settled! It _can't_ be settled
without my consent!

MRS. S. (crosses to C.).   Consent! You know you have given
that! He said he'd seen you just now and you had blessed him!

SEL.   Seen _me_!

GRACE.   Yes. Now don't change your mind _again_, pa!

SEL.   I shall lose my temper presently. (To FRED.) I say
you _shall_ have her!

GRACE (throwing herself into her mother's arms).   Oh, ma,
it's broken off again!

FRED.   Thanks for your good intentions. But how can _you_
interfere? _You_ are not her father.

                                  (Exit FRED, L. 2 E. quickly.

SEL.   Not her father! What? Here I say! (He rushes after FRED,
who slams his door.)

    Enter DIBBS, hurriedly, C.

DIBBS.   Sir, sir! (MR. SELWYN sits, L.)

SEL.   What is it now?

DIBBS (aside, taking him down, R.).   A lady downstairs--says
she must see Mr. Fred Bellamy--her name's Lottie--and she says
she's been deceived----

SEL.   Great Goodness! 'Tis she! (Aside to DIBBS.) Hush,
not a word! I'll be there in an instant.

                                               (Exit DIBBS, C.

CAPT. K. (entering, L. U. E.).   Me darling!

SEL. (stopping).   Who's this familiar fellow?

GRACE.   Oh! Corney! Papa's changed his mind _again_, and
withdrawn his consent!

CAPT. K.   Would he give you to this Bellamy? (GRACE nods,
"Yes.")

SEL.   Is that Captain Katskill?

CAPT. K.   Never while I am alive.

SEL.   Excuse me, sir----(advancing).

CAPT. K. (only half turning to him).   Sir, I did not address
meself to you! (Continuing conversation to ladies.) I do not
yet despair me darling!

SEL.   Darling! How dare you call my----

CAPT. K. (sharply).   Sir, I am not talking to you!

SEL. (piqued at his abruptness).   You are a vagabond!

CAPT. K.   Sir, for the third and last time I say I am not
speaking to you. (Continuing.) After all Mr. Selwyn is not
really the father of my Gracie.

SEL.   Now _he's_ at it!

CAPT. K.   She's the child of his cousin's widow--he told me
so himself.

MRS. S. (aside).   What does he mean?

SEL. (furious).   My cousin's--what?

    Enter FRED, with his luggage in hand, L. 2 E.

SEL.   Look here, Captain Killarney----

CAPT. K.   Katskill of Kilkenny, sir!

FRED (dropping his luggage with a bang).   Katskill!

SEL.   You want to marry my daughter, and yet you dare to
insult me!

FRED.   He wants to marry Grace! Just now he wanted to
marry Lottie!

ALL.   Lottie!

FRED.   Yes! Lottie Blithers! Dare you deny it, you Hibernia
Don Juan! Her own father told me all about it.

MRS. S.   Can this be true?

SEL.   He wants _two_ wives! (Music till end of act.)

    Enter DIBBS suddenly, C.

DIBBS.   No, _three_!

ALL.   Wha-a-t?

DIBBS.   A Mormonite!

CAPT. K. (threatening DIBBS).   Ah! Ye young divil!

DIBBS (dodging behind bureau).   Who's afraid? You know you're
after Miss Tompkins! I listened at the keyhole and heard you
ask the old man!

GRACE and FRED.   Miss Tompkins?

SEL.   Any _more_? (Vehemently.)

MRS. S. (to CAPTAIN KATSKILL indignantly).   Leave this
house, sir!

CAPT. K.   Ladies! I swear--Grace----

GRACE (very angry).   Don't Grace me, sir! Adieu for ever!

CAPT. K.   Oh! (To FRED.) It is _you_, sir, I have to thank
for this!

FRED (defiantly).   Well?

CAPT. K.   I shall call you out!

SEL.   Hullo! Baulked in his bigamy, he thirsts for blood!

CAPT. K.   Name your weapons!

FRED.   What you like.

CAPT. K.   Place?

FRED.   Where you like.

CAPT. K.   Time?

FRED.   When you like!

CAPT. K.   You shall never marry her! I am one of the fighting
Katskills of Kilkenny; we never leave off while there's a bit
of us left!

SEL. (rushing to FRED).   Kill my preserver? (Business of
restraining CAPTAIN KATSKILL and FRED, who are held back on L.
and R. by the others throwing themselves between them.)


ACT DROP QUICK.




ACT III.


SAME SCENE:--DIBBS discovered by secretaire, large sword in
hand, and polishing it with emery cloth, L.

DIBBS.   "If I fall," says Mr. Bellamy to me--"If I fall,
Dibbs, tell everybody I know that my last thought was of
them--whoever they may be--those I _don't_ know tell them
that my last thought _would_ have been of them had I lived to
have the opportunity of an introduction!" Poor young man! I
shall miss him, for he often gave me tips. (Wipes eyes with
emery cloth.)

    Enter FRED, L. U. E.

FRED.   Why do you weep, my boy?

DIBBS.   I was a thinking, sir, that this very sword I now
hold in my hand might be run through your _internals_ before
I had time--Oh! It would break my heart! (Weeping again.)

FRED (much affected).   Be brave, my lad, be brave!

DIBBS (boo-hoo-ing very loudly).   Before I had time to get
a good polish on it!

FRED.   Those ancient implements won't do. I shall have to
borrow better ones somewhere. Leave off polishing them.

    Enter SELWYN disguised in blue spectacles, slouch hat,
    etc. R. 2 E.

DIBBS.   Oh! the governor's got on gig-lamps!

SEL. (hastily removing spectacles).   Yes! My eyes are weak.
(Aside.) Disguise is necessary--or one of the vampires might
have recognized me.

FRED.   Selwyn, when I'm challenged by this Irish tiger where
shall I find seconds?

SEL.   I don't mind being one.

FRED.   Two will be wanted.

DIBBS.   Well, sir, if there's any difficulty at the last
minute, and sooner than spoil the sport, you can count on _me_
as No. 2.

FRED.   You! You impertinent imp. Get out! Now, to borrow
these swords--where's my hat? I shall only be gone about
ten minutes--I'll take Selwyn's. (Exit FRED, L. U. E., with
SELWYN'S hat, unseen by him.)

SEL.   I have been thinking how strange it was that both Fred
and the Irish captain declared I wasn't Grace's father! I had
indulged myself in that belief for many years at any rate! Can
there be anything in it?

    Enter BLITHERS, C.

BLITH.   Where is he?

DIBBS.   It's Tompkins!

SEL.   Tompkins, the duellist!

BLITH.   Excuse my third visit, but I beg to remind you that
I have not got it yet.

SEL.   The hat? I forgot all about it, in my many troubles!
(Aloud.) Sir, permit me to apologize; it is my fault alone! (To
DIBBS.) Where's his hat?

DIBBS.   I'll go and look for it, sir. The old cough-drop
don't mean to go without his _kady_! (Exit DIBBS to FRED'S room,
L. 2 E.)

BLITH. (aside).   Poor young man, I treated him too harshly!
But it was all a misunderstanding! (To SELWYN.) You quite
comprehend, don't you? The gentleman _said_ he was already
engaged to my girl; that's why I consented. You are _sure_
you understand?

SEL. (aside).   I can't say I do--but that's a detail.

BLITH.   So I have come back to see him--besides, I want
my hat.

SEL. (aside).   He seems very fond of his old headgear.

DIBBS (entering).   Not there, sir!

BLITH.   Dear! Dear! How unfortunate! My girl made me
promise not to come back this time until I could bring her
some good news.

SEL. (to DIBBS).   Look in the other rooms.

DIBBS.   Yes, sir.

                                               (Exit DIBBS, R.

SEL.   Do you set much value on your loss?

BLITH.   My daughter's happiness is at stake!

SEL. (aside).   His daughter's happiness concerned in the
recovery of his old hat! (Aloud.) Ah! Been in the family a
long time? I suppose a kind of heirloom?

BLITH.   I never knew a man termed an heirloom before!

SEL.   I am speaking of your hat.

BLITH.   Oh! I was referring to Fred.

SEL.   Fred!

BLITH.   The poor child has opened her heart to me--and says
she has written to him, asking him to seek me out, but he
seems to deny all knowledge of the letters.

SEL.   The letters? (A suspicion crossing his mind.)

BLITH.   The messenger says he gave them to a servant here.
(Goes, L.)

    Enter DIBBS.

SEL. (aside).   Messenger! Letters! It is getting worse and
worse! This Tompkins must be the father of the girl Lottie
who wrote to me!

DIBBS (re-entering, C.).   No signs, sir!

BLITH. (to DIBBS).   Oh! Do you know anything, young man, of
any letters left here to-day? (DIBBS looks across at SELWYN,
who is making signs to him.)

BLITH.   Why don't you listen?

DIBBS.   The master was making signs----

SEL. (angrily).   Making signs! I? (Makes more signs.) Bosh!

BLITH.   The letters were addressed to Mr. Frederick Bellamy
and came from a young lady----

SEL. (aside).   More proof! This _must_ be my incognita's
parent!

DIBBS.   Oh! Yes! I took them in right enough! (To SELWYN,
who continues to gesticulate.) What's the matter, sir? Is it
_fits_ coming on?

SEL. (aside).   I should like to strangle him!

BLITH. (to DIBBS).   What did you do with them?

DIBBS (pointing to SELWYN).   I gave them to the governor!

SEL.   To me!! (Aside.) Get out, or I will discharge you!

DIBBS (aside).   More of it! This is a good-tempered family!
(Exit, L. U. E.)

BLITH. (to SELWYN).   Then _you_ must have opened them?

SEL.   Not exactly--but of course----(embarrassed.)

BLITH.   Not that it will matter now the wedding is so soon
to come off!

SEL. (aside).   He thinks I can marry his daughter!

BLITH.   I shall be glad to see her settled!

SEL. (aside).   He will see me settled soon! (Aloud.) Would you
mind stepping into the library?--we can continue our explanation
there. (Aside.) Anything to prevent his meeting my wife!

BLITH.   Certainly! (Exeunt SELWYN and BLITHERS, R. 2 E.)

    Enter FRED, with pistol case; he puts hat on table, L.

FRED.   I couldn't get any good swords, but my friend Dawkins
has lent me a couple of capital pistols. As I was the challenged
party I have the choice of weapons. By Jove! I will do a little
practicing before the glass to see if my hand's steady.

                             (Exit FRED into his room, L. 2 E.

    Enter MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.

MRS. S.   From an upper window I just observed Sam cross the
road and come sneaking into his own house with blue spectacles
on! Why? There's a mystery in the air that I mean to fathom--for
the wife who would allow her husband to have a secret all to
himself does not deserve to have a mother to instruct her in
the wicked ways of the male sex in general, and married men
in particular! (Sits, R.)

    Enter GRACE, L. U. E.

GRACE.   Oh! mamma, something dreadful is going to happen
through that awful quarrel! Dibbs is polishing up two swords
and whistling the "Dead March in Saul" in a way that makes my
blood run cold! (Sits on sofa.)

MRS. S.   _He's_ in it, too! Only let a man make up his mind
to deceive his wife--and everything masculine from a boy in
buttons to a Judge on the bench will lend him a hand! They
are _all_ in the swim, and they know it! My child, it would
be far better for you to give up this idea of wedded bliss!

GRACE.   I know, mamma, everybody knows--marriage is a lottery.

MRS. S.   For the men--yes! but for the women--no! You can't
call a thing a lottery when there are _no_ prizes at all;
it then becomes a mere swindle!

GRACE.   Oh, mamma! You always go on like this when papa
grumbles at your bonnet bill.

    Enter DIBBS quickly, with card, L. U. E.

DIBBS.   Oh, sir, here's the young lady!--(putting card behind
him and giving little whistle.) Whew!--the missus!

MRS. S.   What? (To GRACE.) Go to your room, Grace; I want
to talk to Dibbs.

                                          (Exit GRACE, R. 2 E.

MRS. S.   Now, Dibbs, what is that in your hand?

DIBBS.   Nothing, mum. (Producing hand from behind back,
empty.)

MRS. S.   The other one?

DIBBS (passing card from hand to hand behind him).   Same, mum!

MRS. S.   Both together! (Business, etc.) Ah! I thought so!
(Taking card from him.) You may go--stop--(reading card.)
Show the lady up, and not a word of warning to her that
she will meet _me_ instead of your master. If you breathe a
syllable to her you shall be discharged. Keep whistling all
the while go that I may know you are not telling her. (DIBBS
whistles Dead March and goes off slowly; he is heard in the
distance as if he went downstairs. The sound becomes louder
as he returns with lady.)

    Enter DIBBS, followed by MISS LOTTIE BLITHERS; she is a
    showily-dressed young lady of prepossessing appearance.

MRS. S. (to DIBBS, who continues to whistle).   That will do!

                                                  (Exit DIBBS.

MISS B.   Pardon my intrusion, madam, but I have called
respecting a gentleman residing here.

MRS. S.   Indeed!

MISS B.   I have written to him more than once, but received
no answer.

MRS. S.   Recently?

MISS B.   To-day.

MRS. S. (recollecting the letter of Act I.).   Written
here--was your letter signed "Lottie"?

MISS B.   Yes. It's my name. I have placed myself in a false
position, and I want my husband at once to release me from it.

MRS. S.   Have you brought him with you?

MISS B.   No--I am here to find him!

MRS. S.   To find him! (Aside.) That letter was _not_ for Fred,
but for Sam, after all. (Aloud.) When did you last see him?

MISS B.   Last night.

MRS. S. (aside).   So he took advantage of my short absence!
(Aloud.) Madam, I am loath to hurt your feelings, but I fear
that you have been imposed upon by a _married man_!

MISS B.   Married! Oh! I see now why he pretended our
union must be kept secret from the world! I am a wretched
woman! (Sobbing, sits L.)

MRS. S.   I, too, have been blinded, but we will unmask the
traitor between us. Step in here!

MISS B.   Oh! I could tear his eyes out!

MRS. S.   That I could never allow you to do. I want to do
it myself!

                             (Exit MISS BLITHERS into room, L.

MRS. S. (locking door).   Now to confront the double-dyed
deceiver! He shall not know I have learnt all his perfidies!
I know I have him firmly on the hook--and I will play with
him in order to watch his struggles! He comes, the wretch!

    Enter SELWYN, R. 2 E., looking very anxious; seeing his
    wife he assumes a sickly sort of smile.

SEL.   So glad you are here, dearest!

MRS. S. (confronting him, severely).   You told me Lottie's
letter was _not_ for you.

SEL.   Lot--Lottie! (Nervously).

MRS. S.   I speak plainly, do I not? Lottie--_you_ know Lottie?

SEL.   Yes! I know--or I did know--a lot of Lotties--but all
at a respectful distance--and a very long while ago.

MRS. S.   I refer to last night only!

SEL. (aside).   Done for! She's found me out! (Aloud.) Last
night? Let me see--where was I last night?

MRS. S.   No doubt where you have often been before.

SEL. (aside).   She means the "Geranium." Yes, my dear,
I _have_ been there before--but alone! always alone!

MRS. S.   Samuel! Elaborate lies are useless--She's here now!
Yes, she came for _you_ and saw _me_!

SEL. (feebly).   Appearances _may_ be against me, but----

MRS. S.   No excuses! If you don't make a full confession of
everything you did last night, never hope to be forgiven. I have
only to open that door, and _she_ will give me a full account
herself, but I prefer to hear it from _your_ guilty lips! Go on!

SEL. (with an effort).   Well, Bella! Last night, feeling
lonely, I wandered down Knightsbridge way, and dropped in on
Dobbinson--and that's all! (Pulling up suddenly.)

MRS. S.   That's _not_ all! Shall I open the door?

SEL. (anxiously).   No! no! Well, after dinner, feeling unwell,
the salmon had disagreed with me, I think--I started to walk
home--and--and--that's all!

MRS. S. (sternly).   Go on, sir!

SEL. (piteously).   I was near the Marble Arch when I heard
footsteps behind me--female footsteps--I turned and beheld a
lady--so--I--I--hastily fled--and that's all!

MRS. S.   Sir! It is _not_ all!

SEL.   Isn't it? If you know so much about it, why ask me?

MRS. S.   I mean to make you feel ashamed of yourself! Go on!

SEL.   She asked me the way to Ludgate Hill--and that _is_ all!

MRS. S. (sternly).   Go on!

SEL.   Nearly all! I directed her--and I won't deny (for
I scorn evasion!) that I even accompanied her as far as
Piccadilly! And there I left her, and if that isn't all may
I be----

MRS. S.   You _will_ be--no doubt! I have heard enough of
your miserable confession. (Giving key.) Now open the door,
and let the creature go about her business! You will never be
left alone again! Never so long as I live! (Going, R.)

SEL. (taking key, crossing L., and with great hesitation
opening door).   This is torture! Step this way, please Miss!

    FRED appears at open door, L.

SEL.   Fred!

MRS. S.   Fred! Oh! I have locked the hussy in with _him_!
Where is the young woman?

FRED.   Oh! _She's_ all right! Had a cry at first, but I soon
consoled her! Don't look astonished--it's all correct--we have
been alone together before!

MRS. S. (to SELWYN).   You hear! A nice character you have
picked up!

    Enter BLITHERS, C., still with hat.

MRS. S.   Mr. Tompkins!--I cannot stay here to be degraded
in the presence of a poet! (Exit MRS. SELWYN, R. 2 E.)

BLITH. (to FRED).   Welcome, son-in-law! Welcome! Come to
my arms!

FRED.   Oh! Father-in-law!

SEL. (aside).   They have made it up!

BLITH.   My girl has confessed that she loves you--and you
alone--she never cared for that Captain Katskill.

FRED.   I knew she didn't!

SEL. (aside).   Oh! So Fred knew Lottie all this while!

BLITH.   When will you be married?

FRED.   Oh, we've arranged all that!

SEL.   Fred's going to marry her!--oh!

BLITH.   We had better make haste back to her--for she was
rather impatient.

FRED.   No occasion--she's here!

SEL. (aside).   He saved my life!--In common justice I ought
to tell him. (Taking him aside.) Pause before you link yourself
with this man's daughter. _She_ is the girl I had supper with
last night.

FRED (leaping upon SELWYN and pinning him on chair).
Calumniator!

BLITH.   Hullo! This _is_ a sudden out-break!

SEL. (half choked).   Let--go--my--throat!

FRED.   Confess you have slandered her!

BLITH.   Slandered whom? (Dodging round them.)

SEL.   Yes! Yes! Anything you like! (FRED releases SELWYN,
who then produces letters.) But look at those proofs.

FRED.   Lottie's letters (kisses them) to me.

SEL.   To _you_? Who is Lottie, then?

BLITH.   My daughter! Of course!

SEL.   Your daughter? Then who the devil is in _that_ room?
(Going to door meets LOTTIE BLITHERS.) _This_ is not the
young woman _I_ met--this is not _my_ Lottie! (LOTTIE crosses
to FRED.)

FRED.   No! She's _mine_. It's all serene, don't worry
yourself! (Putting arm round her waist.)

SEL.   But I _do_ worry myself--and it is _not_ all serene--for
I _have just confessed to my wife_!

FRED.   Well?

SEL.   Well! And I shouldn't have done so if I hadn't thought
the _real_ girl I met was in that room--I have given myself
away, that's what I have done!

    Enter DIBBS--to FRED.

DIBBS.   Please, sir, here's Captain Katskill called for you!

FRED.   I had forgotten my duel!

BLITH.   _You_ in a duel!

SEL.   Oh! It can be arranged now! (BLITHERS crosses to C.)

DIBBS.   Come in, Captain Catstail!

    Enter CAPTAIN KATSKILL.

CAPT. K.   Oh! I thought _you_ were alone! (Going towards
BLITHERS.) Mr. Selwyn, allow me to explain.

SEL.   Selwyn! No, you mean Tompkins.

FRED.   Tompkins? No--you mean Blithers!

CAPT. K. (to BLITHERS).   Are _you_ not Mr. Selwyn?

BLITH.   Certainly not!

SEL.   How many more times? _I_ am Mr. Selwyn. (Turning to
BLITHERS.) Are you not Tompkins?

BLITH.   No!

CAPT. K.   By the piper who refused to play before Moses,
I see it all!

SEL.   And I see nothing but a fearful fog? (Taking hat
which FRED has placed upon table, L.) Since you turn out _not_
to be Tompkins!

DIBBS.   Oh! So the old cuckoo ain't Tompkins at all!

SEL. (hat in hand).   Isn't this yours? (Crosses to BLITHERS.)

BLITH.   Emphatically--No!

SEL.   Then it wasn't _you_ I--(making gesture of fighting)
last night?

BLITH.   No!

SEL. (threateningly).   Then what the devil do you mean by
allowing me to apologize.

BLITH.   How could I help it?

SEL.   _You_ have got _my_ hat, though!

BLITH.   I've been here with it three or four times. I'm glad
to get rid of it! (SELWYN snatches it, and goes up leaving
other hat in his hand.)

CAPT. K. (to BLITHERS).   Sir, I made a formal request of you,
this morning.

BLITH.   Stop! _That's_ my hat! (Taking hat quickly from
CAPT. KATSKILL'S hand.)

CAPT. K.   Your's? Then it was _you_ who gave me the "oner?"

BLITH.   Not that I am aware of, my good young man!

SEL. (aside).   Last night seems to have been very pugilistic.

CAPT. K.   I was standing outside my club, after giving a
farewell supper to some bachelor friends, when my hat was
rudely knocked off!

BLITH.   Not by _me_, sir, I assure you.

DIBBS (aside).   The mixture as before! They want _me_ to
help 'em again! (Taking hat that SELWYN gave to BLITHERS.)
This is _your_ hat, I think, Captain?

CAPT. K.   Yes, how did you get it, you spalpeen?

DIBBS.   Well, sir, to tell the truth it wasn't this gent
(pointing to BLITHERS) who boxed you, but _this_ one! (Pointing
to SELWYN.)

SEL. (aside).   Oh! That damned boy will be the death of me!

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN).   All right, sir. The milingtary
gent's in love with Miss Grace, so you are safe!

SEL.   Is he? Then my life may be spared!

CAPT. K. (threateningly).   So, sir, it was you!

SEL.   Yes! But we will not resume our fistic
encounter--remember, I am your future father-in-law! (Aside.) He
may as well have Grace now that's Fred's got another flame!

CAPT. K.   The Katskills of Kilkenny _never_ bear malice!--Your
hand!

SEL.   Don't mention it! (They go up, C.)

DIBBS (down, L.).   I knew I could get things straight!

    Enter MRS. SELWYN and GRACE.

MRS. S.   Painful as it is to go into these family matters
before _you_, Mr. Tompkins. (Addressing BLITHERS.)

BLITH.   I beg your pardon--_Blithers_!

SEL. (coming down C. to MRS. SELWYN).   Yes,
dear--Blithers--you are mixing things up!

MRS. S.   Well, Blithers, if you wish--my husband's conduct
last night with this Miss--I do not know her name----

FRED. (Bringing LOTTIE forward).   Mrs. Bellamy!

MRS. S. (astonished).   Mrs. Bellamy!

SEL. (to MRS. SELWYN).   I told you, dear, you were mixing
things up!

MRS. S. (to SELWYN).   But, Samuel, you confessed to me you
met this lady----

SEL.   I never saw her in all my life!

FRED.   Certainly not _last_ night, for _I_ was with her the
whole evening!

BLITH.   I can testify to the truth of that!

MRS. S.   Are you conspiring to deceive me?

SEL.   No, my dear. The fact is, I may have _appeared_ to have
been rather in a hobble, but it was all assumed--all put on,
my dear. Every bit of it, and if _you_ don't understand it, I
do, and so don't make yourself ridiculous before visitors--but
give your consent to the Captain having our little Gracie!

GRACE.   Oh! dear papa!

CAPT. K. (to GRACE).   Me jewel!

MRS. S.   I certainly _don't_ understand it, but I suppose
it's all right?

SEL.   Perfectly, my dear! It was that stupid Dibbs who was
at the bottom of it all to begin with.

DIBBS (indignantly).   Me! (Down, L.)

SEL. (winks).   Yes! I thought at first of discharging him,
but I have decided to give him another chance, and a rise in
his wages. (Bringing BLITHERS and CAPTAIN KATSKILL down C.,
and aside to BLITHERS.) How did _you_ become possessed of
my head-gear?

BLITH.   Well, as you took mine from Mr. Dobbinson's hat-stand
what was I to do?

SEL. (to CAPTAIN KATSKILL).   How did the name of Tompkins
get into _your_ chimney-pot, Captain?

CAPT. K.   It's my _hatter's_ name--not mine!

SEL. (to MRS. SELWYN).   There, my dear, _now_ I hope that
you are satisfied?

MRS. S.   Partly! But there still seem one or two things not
quite clear. How was it that _you_ said----

SEL. (appealing to all).   Now she's mixing it again! _You_
explain, my friends! (Group C., all speak at once to MRS.
SELWYN.)

FRED.    } I fell in love with Lottie----
LOTTIE.  } We were married on the sly, so----
CAPT. K. } Explain, is it? Listen a while, Madam----

MRS. S.   Stop! I understand!

SEL.   Bella understands, (coming C.) so that's all
right. (Aside.) It's more than I do. (Aloud.) The question
is (to audience) do _you_ understand? Of course you do,
you understand everything, especially that all we have done
to-night has been to amuse without offending, in the hope of
being rewarded with the generous coinage of your approval paid
(indicating applause) by note of hand.


CURTAIN.




FEMALE CHARACTERS


PEREGRINATIONS OF POLLY

Comedietta in One Act. Three Females

By Helen P. Kane

One plain Interior scene. Polly and Margaret, bachelor maids,
being invited to attend a musicale, determine to exchange
escorts. The result may not have been such as was intended, but
certainly was one to have been expected. The dialogue throughout
is brilliant and snappy, the action quick, thus ensuring a
success for this bright sketch. Plays forty-five minutes.

PRICE 25 CENTS


THE RAINBOW KIMONA

Comedy in Two Acts. Nine Females

By Eleanor Maud Crane

One interior scene. The Rainbow Kimona is a club composed
of seven of the Senior Class, each member wearing a kimona
representing one of the colors of the rainbow. In a small
apartment an entertainment is arranged in which each girl
assumes a leading character in one of Shakespeare's plays,
burlesqued in outrageously comical style. The whole thing is
a medley of the most amusing kind. Plays one and a half hours.

PRICE 35 CENTS


OUTWITTED

Society Sketch in One Act. Three Females

One interior scene. Two of the girls twit each other about
the attentions of a handsome young army officer at a ball the
night previous, each covertly aiming to outwit the other. It
transpires later that the officer has had a little tiff with
another girl to whom he was engaged, and his attentions were
merely side-play. For cutting but polite sarcasm this sketch
is rarely equalled. Plays twenty minutes.

PRICE 15 CENTS


THE FUTURE LADY HOLLAND

Comedy in Three Acts. Four Females

By Helen P. Kane

One interior scene. The dowager Lady Holland has arranged
that her niece, Diana, should marry Lester, the present Lord
Holland, son of the dowager. To that end she directs another
niece, Yvonne, to devote herself to Stacy Brent, thus throwing
Diana and Lester together. How successful her scheme proves
is told in the climax. Plays one and a half hours.

PRICE 25 CENTS


TOM'S ARRIVAL

Play in One Act. Three Females

One interior scene. Three maiden ladies, learning by wire
that Tom is to arrive, make different arrangements for his
comfort. The surprising arrival of Tom creates consternation
in the little household and the audience is kept out of the
secret until the last moment. Plays twenty-five minutes.

PRICE 25 CENTS


THE CONSPIRATORS

Comedy in Two Acts. Twelve Females

By Evelyn Simms

One Interior scene. A clever little comedy showing how the
Senior Class girls got the best of Miss Primleigh. Sparkling
throughout. Plays about forty minutes.

PRICE 35 CENTS


RECEPTION DAY AT THE SETTLEMENT HOUSE

An entertainment in 1 act, by Agnes C. Ruggeri. Can be played
by 12 or 16 female characters. 1 interior scene, simple or
elaborate, as desired. Time, if played straight, 1 hour, or
can be lengthened if specialties are introduced. The managers
of the "New Thought Settlement House" invite their friends,
nominally to inspect the building, but incidentally to induce
some financial support. Among the visitors are German and
Irish characters, suffragists, etc., some in favor of and
others opposed to the movement, all widely contrasted and all
good. This play has been presented several times for some of
New York's largest churches and always with great success.

PRICE 25 CENTS


A DAY AND A NIGHT

A comedy in 2 acts, by Agnes C. Ruggeri. 10 female characters. 1
interior scene. Time, about 1 hour. Modern costumes. Dorothy, an
idealist on the subject of boarding houses, advertises as about
to open a cozy, comfortable home for members of her down-trodden
sex. The applicants, including a suffragist, a demonstrator,
an actress and a singer, are of such different classes that
great scope is given for character impersonations. Jennie,
the waitress, and Mammy Sue, the <DW52> cook, have strong
comedy parts.

PRICE 35 CENTS


ROSEMARY

A play in 4 acts, by Arolyn Caverly Cutting. 14 female
characters. 1 interior scene, plain or elaborate, as may be
desired. Time, 1-1/2 hours. Particularly adapted for girls'
high schools. The action of the play occurs in Boston. The cast,
including as it does two Southern girls, a prim Boston matron,
an old darkey mammy, an Irish maid, the "twinnies" and the
other Boston residents, gives great scope for character acting.

PRICE 35 CENTS


A CONVERTED SUFFRAGIST

A play in 1 act, by Katharine Kavanaugh. 3 female characters. 1
easy interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. Modern costumes. An
excellent opportunity for a clever dialect comedienne, as
an old darkey mammy has a very effective role and is quite
important in developing the unexpected climax.

PRICE 15 CENTS


THE WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA

A romantic drama in 2 acts and an after scene, by Helen
P. Kane. 4 female characters. Plain interior scene. Time,
about 45 minutes. Easily produced. An absorbing story of a
child who has been stolen by the Indians and her restoration
after many years.

PRICE 15 CENTS


A LESSON IN ELEGANCE

A play in 1 act, by Bernard Herbert. 4 female characters. Parlor
scene. Modern costumes. Time, 30 minutes. A bright little
society play, with numerous keen witticisms at the expense of
ultra-fashionable people.

PRICE 15 CENTS




VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES


THE COWARD

A dramatic episode in 1 act, by Taylor Ewen. 5 male, 2 female
characters. 1 interior scene. Time, about 30 minutes. A small-cast
Western sketch so often desired. Arthur Royce, a telegraph operator
in a Western state, a former Harvard student, now in league with
two road agents, holds up the Overland Limited. Ongua, an Indian
also a Harvard man who was basely treated by Royce while at
Cambridge, is aware of his connection with the hold-up. What
the road agents do and how Royce is saved by the Indian is
dramatically told in this little sketch.

PRICE 25 CENTS


HIS DINNER FOR TWO

A playlet in 1 act, by Franklin Johnston. 1 male, 1 female
character. 1 interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. The
perplexities of a young poet and his wife in financial distress.
He discovers that their very last possible dinner is barely
sufficient for one. To make sure that his wife shall have it
alone, he pretends to have an engagement with friends. She,
unaware of his self-denial, gets a little jealous of his
preferring the society of friends and leaving her alone. He
suddenly obtains lucrative employment and returns to tell her
of it. A mere sketch, but admirably elaborated, and a charming
analysis of individual character.

PRICE 15 CENTS


A CHANCE AT MIDNIGHT

A dramatic episode in 1 act, by Charles Stuart. 2 males, 1
female, and a non-speaking part for a five-year-old child. 1
interior scene. Time, 25 minutes. A powerful, dramatic sketch,
wherein is told how a scoundrel attempts to blackmail a wife,
and is foiled by an escaped convict.

PRICE 25 CENTS


THE <DW53> AND THE CHINK

A vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by Walter Carter. 2 male
characters. 1 simple interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes
if played straight, or longer according to dancing or singing
specialties which may be introduced. This is a very bright
dialogue between a <DW64> and a Chinaman.

PRICE 25 CENTS


A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE

A vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by George M. Rosener. 2 male,
1 female character. 1 simple interior scene. Time, about 45
minutes. A very clever little skit in which the pathetic and
humorous are happily blended. The role of Lindy, the reporter,
offers great scope for a bright, vivacious actress.

PRICE 25 CENTS


A GENTLE TOUCH

A vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by Katharine Kavanaugh. 1
male, 1 female character. 1 interior scene. Time, about 30
minutes. Costumes modern. A very bright little cross-fire
sketch between a retired major and a jolly soubrette.

PRICE 15 CENTS


A VAGABOND COUPLE

A vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by James Sweimler. 2 male
characters. 1 plain interior scene. Time, about 20 minutes. A
screamingly funny character sketch with opportunity for songs
and specialties.

PRICE 15 CENTS



***