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  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON


  Designed to provide in a series
  of volumes, each complete in itself,
  the cream of our national humour,
  contributed by the masters of
  comic draughtsmanship and the
  leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
  from its beginning in 1841 to the
  present day




  MR. PUNCH AT HOME

  [Illustration: A note at the foot of
  a page]

  [Illustration: A FIRST ESSAY IN HOUSEKEEPING.--_Mr. Jones._ "What
  is it, my pet?" _Mrs. J._ "This rabbit (_sob_)--I've been plucking
  it--(_sob_)--all the afternoon, and it isn't half done yet!"]


  MR. PUNCH AT
  HOME

  THE COMIC SIDE
  OF DOMESTIC
  LIFE

  [Illustration: Maid with broom]

AS PICTURED BY

F. H. TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, C. SHEPPERSON, DAVID WILSON, FRED PEGRAM,
GUNNING KING, L. RAVENHILL, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, A. W. MILLS, G. L.
STAMPA, C. E. BROCK, A. S. BOYD, PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU
MAURIER, AND OTHERS

  _WITH 130 ILLUSTRATIONS_

  PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
  THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

  [Illustration: 3 decorative leaves]

  THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.




  THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

  _Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages
  fully illustrated_


  LIFE IN LONDON
  COUNTRY LIFE
  IN THE HIGHLANDS
  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
  IRISH HUMOUR
  COCKNEY HUMOUR
  IN SOCIETY
  AFTER DINNER STORIES
  IN BOHEMIA
  AT THE PLAY
  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
  ON THE CONTINONG
  RAILWAY BOOK
  AT THE SEASIDE
  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
  WITH ROD AND GUN
  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
  BOOK OF SPORTS
  GOLF STORIES
  IN WIG AND GOWN
  ON THE WARPATH
  BOOK OF LOVE
  WITH THE CHILDREN


  [Illustration: Mr. Punch at desk]


  [Illustration: Man in dressing gown reading Punch]




IN SLIPPERED EASE


Just because MR. PUNCH is eminently representative of all our national
characteristics is he something of a good old-fashioned Philistine
in his domestic circle. We find him, in his notions of home life,
distinctly partial to the cosy comfort that is associated the world
over with "The Englishman's Castle." He enjoys the delights of his own
fireside, the pleasures of his table, the society of his womenkind, the
casual visits of his friends, no less, and perhaps much more, than the
formal functions to which the phrase "At Home" is also applied.

"Mr. Punch at Home" is in a sense the complement of "Mr. Punch in
Society." It touches on musical evenings, dances, the social life
generally, but more particularly the domestic side of it--the servant
difficulty, the humours of the kitchen and the butler's pantry. It
gives glimpses of home life in the country as well as in town; among
the poor as well as among the rich; in flats and lodgings as well as in
suburban villas and the mansions of the West End.

John Leech dealt largely with the servant girl trouble, but as many
of his jokes were topical and have lost most of their point with the
passing of the topic, and as others have an old-fashioned air with
them and are not so smart or so pointed as those by later artists,
preference has been given to the moderns.

  [Illustration: Mr. Punch]




MR. PUNCH AT HOME


  [Illustration: Mr. Punch sitting in library]

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--"You remember that party at
Madam Gelasma's, to hear Joachim, Rubinstein, and the Henschels, and De
Soria--quite a _small_ party?"

"No; I wasn't there!" "No? Ah--well--it _was_ very select!"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE GREATEST QUESTION OF THE DAY.--"My dear, what will you have for
dinner?"

       *       *       *       *       *

OUR WHIST PARTY.--_Major MacFlush_ (_at close of rubber, to partner_).
Didn't ye see me call for trumps?

_Partner_ (_a new hand_). You may have called, Major, but I never heard
you!

       *       *       *       *       *

UNDESIRABLE BRIC-A-BRAC.--Family jars.

       *       *       *       *       *

MEM. FOR YOUNG HOUSEWIVES.--To make both ends meet--burn the candle at
'em.

       *       *       *       *       *

"PLEASANT it is when the woods are green," as paterfamilias observed
when all the doors in his new villa took to warping.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE DEAR THINGS.--_He._ You know Jones's wife, an old schoolfellow of
yours; tell me, is she musical?

_She (her dearest friend)._ I should say decidedly not, or she wouldn't
be so fond of hearing the sound of her own voice.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE KITCHEN-RANGE-FINDER.--The policeman!

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR THE LADY OF THE HOUSE.--Don't worry about trifles; make a
blanc-mange.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Visitor._ "Do you have any difficulty in getting servants?"

_Hostess._ "None whatever. We've had ten different ones in the last
month!"

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--_Cook._ "Wasteful, mum? Well, mum,
  that's one thing I'm _not_! Why, everythink in the eatin' an' drinkin'
  way that comes down from hupstairs, I make a point of finishin' up
  myself, mum!"]




WANTED!


The Lady and Gentleman Help Association can find excellent positions
for--

A Lady Help with twenty thousand a year, who can help her husband to
enjoy existence.

A Lady Help with deft fingers, who can open oysters, peel walnuts and
prawns, and make toast.

A Lady Help who can draft a speech that will suit an ex-Secretary of
State at a Social Science Congress.

A Lady Help who can do the same for a mild and moderate Bishop at
a Church Congress--extra wages will be given for assistance in the
composition of charges.

A Lady Help who can drive Four-in-Hand, for a coach to be started from
Hatchett's Hotel to Coventry.

A Lady Help who is absolutely helpless--none need apply unless they can
show that they are good for nothing.

Also--

A Gentleman Help who can nurse babies, and comb their hair carefully.

  [Illustration: THE COMPENSATING CIRCUMSTANCE.--_Sympathetic Visitor._
  "Poor _dear_ Mr. Smith, how he must suffer with all that sneezing and
  coughing."

  _Mrs. Smith._ "He does, indeed; but you can't think how it amuses the
  baby!"]

A Gentleman Help who can choose good cigars, and assist in smoking them.

A Gentleman Help who can work a sewing machine and a private apparatus
for the distillation of whiskey.

A Gentleman Help who can assist the Sultan of Turkey to pay the
interest on his debts.

A Gentleman Help who can help the clerk of the weather to turn on a
little more sunshine.

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE SMITHSON'S DANCE.--_Young Innocent._ "I beg your pardon, did I
tread on your foot that time?"

_Sweet Girl (very sweetly)._ "Oh, no, not _that_ time!"

       *       *       *       *       *

"MARY, there's three months' dust in the drawing-room!"

"That isn't my fault, mum. You know I've only bin here a fortnight!"

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: "You're dreadfully untidy again, Mary! I don't know what
  the baker will think of you when he comes."

  "The _baker_ don't matter, 'm. The _milkman's_ bin!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

_Doctor (to Mrs. Perkins, whose husband is ill)._ "Has he had any lucid
intervals?"

_Mrs. Perkins (with dignity)._ "'E's 'ad nothink except what you
ordered, Doctor!"

  [Illustration: T'OTHER WAY ROUND.--_He._ "That's Lady Passeh. She's
  got an action on at the courts, asking for £5,000 damages."

  _She._ "Damages! I should have thought she'd have asked for _repairs_."]

  [Illustration: THE EYE AS AN AID TO THE EAR.--_Young Lady (repeating
  conversation to deaf old gentleman)._ "Miss Frills says it gave her
  such a fright."

  _Deaf Old Gent._ "Eh? I didn't quite--"

  _Young Lady._ "_Such--a--fright!_"

  _Deaf Old Gent._ "Ah, yes--I agree with you--so she is!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

WHY, NATURALLY.--"Cook, ought I to write Salvation Army in
_converted commas_?"

       *       *       *       *       *

ORTHODOX.--_The Rev. Alexis Tonsher (going round his new parish)._ "Of
course, you observe Lent, Mrs. Rickyard?"

_Mrs. Rickyard._ "Oh, yes, sir, we allus hev pancakes o' Shrove
Tuesday!"

       *       *       *       *       *

AN EXCUSE.--_Mistress._ "Another breakage, Jane? And a wedding present,
too! How ever did you do it?"

_Jane (sobbing)._ "They al--ways break--when I--drop 'em!"

       *       *       *       *       *

APPRECIATIVE.--_Amateur Tenor._ "I shall just sing one more song, and
then I shall go."

_Sarcastic Friend._ "Couldn't you go first!"

       *       *       *       *       *

"ENTERING THE SOCIAL CIRCLE."--Making the first cut into a round of
beef.

       *       *       *       *       *

_He._ "What pretty hair that Miss Dashwood has--like spun gold!"

_She (her rival)._ "Yes--fourteen carrot."

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: _Mabel._ "We always do this when mater's out, uncle.
  Saves all the bother of talking. Ripping idea, isn't it?"]

  [Illustration: A CHEERFUL PROSPECT

  _General Blaxer._ "Ah, partner, do you--er--discard from--er--strength
  or weakness?"

  _Mr. Mildman._ "Er--er--generally from _fright_!"]

  [Illustration: _The Mere Man._ "I--er--leave it to you."

  _His Partner._ "Coward!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Tomlinson._ "Good-bye, Miss
Eleanora----"


_Miss Eleanora._ "But you've _already_ said good-bye to me, Mr.
Tomlinson?"

_Tomlinson (who is always ready with some pretty speech)._ "Have I,
really? Well, one can't do a pleasant thing too often, you know!"

       *       *       *       *       *

FELINE AMENITIES.--_Fair Hostess (who is proud of her popularity)._
"Yes; I flatter myself there's not a door-bell in the whole street
that's so often rung as mine!"

_Fair Visitor._ "Well, dear, _I_ had to ring it _five times_!"

       *       *       *       *       *

BACHELOR HOUSEKEEPING.--_Mr. Brown._ "Pray, Jane, what on earth is the
reason I am kept waiting for my breakfast in this way?"

_Jane._ "Please, sir, the rolls isn't come, and there's no bread in the
house!"

_Mr. Brown._ "Now, upon my word! How can you annoy me with such
trifles? No _bread?_ then bring me some _toast_."

  [_Exit Jane in dismay._

  [Illustration: SOCIAL INSINCERITIES.--_His Lordship (vociferously,
  with the rest)._ "_Brava! Encore!_ Go on! I could listen all night!"
  (_Aside, to footman_). "Just see if my carriage is come. Look sharp!"]




HOUSEHOLD RECIPES.


_To destroy black-beetles._--Turn a pack of fox-hounds into the
kitchen.

_To cure smoky chimneys._--Discontinue fires.

_To get rid of ghosts._--Use disinfecting fluid copiously.

_To expel dry-rot._--Soak the places affected with the finest dry
sherry.

_To get the servants up early in the morning._--Send them to bed early
at night.

_To revive the fire._--Tie up the front-door knocker in a white kid
glove.

_To prevent the beer going too fast._--Possess the key to the mystery.

_To avoid draughts._--Don't take any.

_To destroy moths._--Collect butterflies.

_How to keep plate clean._-Wrap it up in silver paper.

_How to dispose of old newspapers._--Put them into the brown study.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MOST CONTINUOUS BREAK WE KNOW. Our housemaid's.

  [Illustration: _The Duchess (who takes a great interest in all her
  servants, and has a large house-party)._ "Oh, so you're the new
  scullery maid. I hope you like your place?"

  _New Scullery Maid._ "No, my lady. I want to leave next week. I can't
  stand these late dinners. All the ladies as I've ever been connected
  with have just took a bit of something in their 'ands, and there wasn't
  all this washing up!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LATIN AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.--_Sursum-corda_--"I double hearts."

       *       *       *       *       *

STIRRING EVENT.--Mixing a plum-pudding.

       *       *       *       *       *

SENTIMENT FOR THE SERVANTS' HALL.--May we never smell any powder but
what is white!

       *       *       *       *       *

GOOD KNIFE FOR FRUIT.--"_Le Sabre de mon Pear._"

       *       *       *       *       *

KITCHEN DRESSERS.--Fine cooks.

       *       *       *       *       *

SELF-RESPECT.--_Cook (to fellow-servant who has been after a new
place)._ "Well, 'Liza, will it suit?"

_Eliza._ "Not if I knows it! Why, when I got there, blest if there
wasn't the two young ladies of the 'ouse both a-usin' of one piano
at the same time! 'Well,' thinks I, 'this _his_ a comin' down in the
world!' So I thought I was best say good mornin'!"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BACK-DOOR BELL.--A pretty kitchen maid.

  [Illustration:_Prize Idiot (who doesn't know all the family)._
  "Beastly slow here. I'm off. Which way do _you_ go home?"

  _Son of the House._ "I'm there now."]

       *       *       *       *       *

NOT SO BAD AS THEY SEEM.--Mistresses show more consideration for their
servants than is generally supposed. Not long ago Mrs. Fidgitt was
heard telling Mary Ann that she had been scouring the whole house for
her.

       *       *       *       *       *

HOW WE ARRANGE OUR LITTLE DINNERS.--

_Mistress._ "Oh, cook, we shall want dinner for four this evening. What
do you think, besides the joint, of ox-tail-soup, lobster patés, and an
entrée--say, beef?"

_Cook._ "Yes,'m--Fresh, or Austr----?"

_Mistress._ "Let's see? It's only the Browns--tinned will do!"

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR A SERVANTS' HALL.--"They also serve who only stand and
wait."--_Milton._

       *       *       *       *       *

"COOK'S" EXCURSIONIST.--Her policeman on a trip.

       *       *       *       *       *

SWEET SIMPLICITY.--_Visitor._ "Jane, has your mistress got a boot-jack?"

_Maid-of-all-work._ "No, sir; please, sir, I clean all the boots, sir!"

  [Illustration: BEFORE THE RECEPTION.--_Lady of the House (instructing
  new page)._ "Have you ever been at a party before, Riggles?"

  _Riggles._ "Honly as a _guest_, mum."]

  [Illustration: SYMPATHETIC.--_Young Wife (rather nervously)._ "Oh,
  cook, I must really speak to you. Your master is always complaining.
  One day it is the soup, the second day it is the fish, the third day it
  is the joint--in fact, it is always something or other."

  _Cook (with feeling)._ "Well, mum, I'm truly sorry for you. It must be
  quite _hawful_ to live with a gentleman of that sort."]

  [Illustration: _Mary (the new housemaid who visits the study for the
  first time, and is unaware that poor Snooks is suffering from a violent
  headache and has been ordered to keep a damp cloth round his head and
  wear goggles)._ "Lawk-a-mussy!"

  _Mrs. Snooks (appearing at door)._ "What's the matter, Mary? _It's only
  master!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

EVERYTHING COMES TO THE MAN WHO WAITS.--_Country Rector's Wife
(engaging manservant)._ And can you wait at dinner?

_Man._ Aw, yes, mum; I'm never that hoongry but I can wait till you've
done.

       *       *       *       *       *

UNCONSCIOUSLY APPROPRIATE.--_Jane._ 'Allo, Hemma, what are yer a-crying
about?

_Hemma._ Missus 'as given me the sack because I knocked over some of
them hornaments she calls "break-a-break."

       *       *       *       *       *

_Gentleman (to Thomas, who has given notice)._ "Oh, certainly! You can
go, of course; but, as you have been with me for nine years, I should
like to know the reason?"

_Thomas._ "Why, sir, it's my _feelins_. You used always to read
prayers, sir, yourself--and since Miss Wilkins has bin here, she bin
a-reading of 'em. Now I can't _bemean_ myself by sayin 'Amen' to a
guv'ness."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FORCE OF HABIT.--Our coachman, when he waits at table, always
commits the same fault: he whips away the plates too soon.

  [Illustration: A GOOD START.--_New Maid Servant (just arrived)._ "May I
  harsk if my young man 'as called yet?"]

  [Illustration: FEMININE AMENITIES

  _Mabel (not in her first youth)._ "First of all he held my hand and
  told my fortune; and then, Evie, he gazed into my face ever so long,
  and said he could read my thoughts! Wasn't that _clever_ of him, dear?"

  _Evie._ "Oh, I suppose he read between the lines, darling."]

       *       *       *       *       *

NEW VERSION.--It was the reflection of a thoughtful hall-porter that
the self-denying man must be the man who says he is not at home when he
is.

       *       *       *       *       *

A DISCHARGE WITHOUT A REPORT.--A servant dismissed without a character.

       *       *       *       *       *

DIAGNOSIS.--"Is the rector better to-day, Jarvis?"--"No, sir; not any
better, sir!"

"Has he got a _locum tenens_?"--"No, sir. Same old pain in the back!"

  [Illustration: _Hostess._ "And do you really believe in christian
  science?"

  _Visitor._ "Well, you see, I've been getting rather stouter lately, and
  it's such a comfort to know that I _really_ have _no body_!"]




BELGRAVIAN MAXIMS

BY A FASHIONABLE VALET.


The real essence of a gentleman is perfume.

You know the snob by his hands--the gentleman by his boots.

It is easier to pardon a hole in a person's manners than one in his
coat.

In the noblest park there are mushrooms.

One grows rich, but one is born elegant.

With men, as with monuments, position is everything.

We make our money in London, but we spend it in Paris.

Society has but little faith, except in scandal.

Joke with an inferior, and you tumble to the level of that inferior.

There are many stylish men, but very few men of style.

Shopkeepers are the counters in the game of life. When we have no ready
money, we are only too glad to use them.

A lady is an angel that ought never to touch the earth, excepting
when she is stepping from the door to her carriage.

  [Illustration: A JU-JITSUOUS HINT--_Fair Victim._ "Pardon, Mr.
  Snobbarts, this is a waltz, I believe, not a bout of ju-jitsu!"]

Anything that reveals a compromise with one's pocket is inelegant, as
for instance, Berlin gloves. In my opinion, naked-handed poverty is a
thousand times preferable.

You can generally tell "a son of the soil" by the amount he carries in
his nails.

England gives us meat, and France sends us cooks.

The gentleman is known at once by his walk, the lady by her carriage.

Credit is the homage that trade pays (and sometimes pays very dearly)
to rank.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Not so Bad as Volodyovski._--_Lady (to applicant for nursemaid's
place)._ What is your name?

_Applicant._ Hermyntrude, mum.

_Lady._ Good heavens! That would never do. Can't you think of something
shorter?

_Applicant (after a pause)._ Well, mum, my young man allus calls me
Carrots.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Simple Fractures._--Servants' breakages.

  [Illustration: "Ah, mum; I'm a 'eap better in my 'eart since last time
  you come 'ere a-districk visitin'. It's all along o' thisher little
  book '_Hernest Words to the Young_' as I pinched outside a bookshop wen
  the propperrieter was a-lookin' the other way. A power o' good it 'ave
  done me!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

_The Beau Ideal of a Cook._--One who cooks a rabbit _to a hare_!

       *       *       *       *       *

_A Servant on Spiritualism._--It is fortunate that rapping spirits,
which seem very tricksy beings, do not seem to be able to move
street-knockers. Otherwise we should continually be going to answer a
rap at the door, and coming back, saying, "Please'm only a ghost."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FORCE OF HABIT.--_Missus (who is acting as amanuensis to Mary)._
"Is there anything more you wish me to say, Mary?"

_Mary._ "No, marm, except just to say, please excuse bad writin' and
spellin'."

       *       *       *       *       *

A TRIUMPH IN COOKERY.--When the cook makes a hash of the marrow-bones.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Mistress (to new maid)._ "Well, Mary, I've tried to apportion you
different duties for each day in the week, so that you may have variety
in your work. You've been here a month now. Just tell me which day you
like best?"

_Maid._ "Please, mum, _my day out"!_

  [Illustration: THE TEST OF COURAGE.--_She._ "You men are such cowards."

  _He._ "Anyhow, one of us married you!"]

  [Illustration: "NOT NEGOTIABLE!"--_Impecunious Lodger._ "Jemima, did
  you ask Mrs. Maggles whether she would take my I. O. U. for this
  quarter's rent as I'm rather----"

  _Maid of all Work._ "Yes, sir, and she say she won't, sir, not if you
  was to hoffer 'er the 'ole halphabet!"]

  [Illustration: A BLANK PAGE.--_Sir Patrick._ "Then, I presume you know
  a little about cleaning silver, waiting at table, and so on?"

  _Jenkins._ "Nothing whatever, sir. But I do not suppose there is
  anything which intellect may not overcome!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

SEASONABLE.--A servant, to whom money is an object, during the present
winter offers (unbeknown) to let out his master's study fire by the
hour. For terms apply to the Pantry, Belgravia.

       *       *       *       *       *

"SLIGHTLY MIXED."--_Mistress (to maid, who has just received a month's
notice)._ "I would rather not give you a character at all. But if you
insist upon it, of course I shall tell the truth about you."

_Maid._ "And if you do, ma'am, I shall suttingly bring an action for
defimation o' character!"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FLUNKEY MILLENNIUM..--When every _valet_ shall be exalted

       *       *       *       *       *

INHABITED HOUSE DUTY.--The servants'. And I wish they'd do it.--Yours,
paterfamilias.

       *       *       *       *       *

SANCTA SIMPLICITAS.--_Housemaid._ "We're getting up a sweepstakes, Mrs.
Thrupp. Won't you join?"

_Housekeeper._ "Gracious me, child; not I! Why if I _won_ a horse I
shouldn't know what to _do_ with him!"

  [Illustration: EARLY DOMESTIC TRIALS.--_Young Wife (in great
  trepidation--to her brother)._ "Tommy, I'm going to give the cook
  warning. Just listen at this corner, and as soon as you hear me say,
  'Cook, I give you a month's warning from to-day,' mind you call me, and
  say I'm wanted immediately!"]




METROPOLITAN HOUSEHOLDERS' CLUB


We understand it is in contemplation to get up a club for the purpose
of endeavouring to improve the quality of servants. The indifference of
the material is very much against the project, but the effort is worth
making. A few old housekeepers have determined to set the scheme on
foot by offering a few prizes, of which the following is a catalogue:--

 For the Cook who has lived longest in one place without including
 whole candles under the general head of kitchen-stuff

  _One pound_

 For the Nurse who has walked oftenest in the Park without speaking to
 a Horse-guard

  _Ten shillings_

 For the Housemaid who has remained longest in a situation in which the
 cat has not been in the habit of doing wilful damage to the crockery

  _Five shillings_

   [Illustration: _Lady (engaging a maid)._ "Was your last mistress
   satisfied with you?"

   _Maid._ "Well, mum, she said she was very pleased _when I left_!"]

 For the Cook who has been the greatest number of years in service
 without resigning her own heart and her mistress's cold meat to the
 devouring passion of a policeman

  _Fifteen shillings_

 For the Nurse who has remained the longest time in a place without
 mistaking the children's linen for her own, and given the baby the
 fewest private punches and pinches

  _Seven shillings_

 For the Female Servant who has set off on Sunday evenings to go to
 church, and found her way there oftenest

  _Five shillings_

 For the Page who has opened the smallest number of notes in the
 longest period of service

  _Half-a-Crown_

 For the Groom who has best carried out the principles of protection
 with regard to his master's corn

  _Ten shillings_

 For the Footman who has worn the fewest of his master's shirts

  _One shilling_

The above are only a few preliminary prizes, but if the scheme can be
effectually carried out, there is every intention to offer rewards for
a variety of other qualities. In the present day, when servants are
always "bettering" themselves, which means growing worse and worse,
the project of a prize club for this troublesome class seems fraught
with the most promising prospects.

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: SPEEDING THE STAYING GUEST.--_Hostess._ "Won't _you_
  sing something, Mr. Borely?"

  _Mr. B._ "Yes, if you like. I'll sing one just before I go."

  _Hostess_. "Well, _do_ sing _now_, and perhaps Miss Slowboy will
  accompany you."]

       *       *       *       *       *

_Mistress._ "Did Mrs. Brown say anything when you told her I was out?"

_Maid._ "Yes, 'm. Mrs. Brown, mum, said, 'Thank Heaven!' mum."

       *       *       *       *       *

OUT OF HER ELEMENT.--The last place which you would expect a woman to
like is--a stillroom.

       *       *       *       *       *

"CUISINE."--_Mistress._ "Susan, we're thinking of having a pig's head
boiled for dinner. You understand it, I suppose?"

_Cook._ "Oh no, m'um. I told you before I came I didn't understand
game!"

       *       *       *       *       *

"IN THE QUEEN'S NAME."--_Martha the Cook (to Lizzy the Housemaid)._
"'Ere's an 'orrible mistake. In 'is subscripshion list the heditor 'as
spelt your name with a "hi" and a "he" instead of a "y.""

  [Illustration: "A GHOSTLY VISITANT"

  _Mistress (returning)._ "Any one to see me, Mary?"

  _Mary._ "Yes, mem. An insanitary spectre."

    [_But it was only the sanitary inspector who had called
    regarding some alterations that were going on._
  ]


"THE FROGS" AT OXFORD.

 SCENE--_Parlour of Private House, Oxford._ TIME-_Quite recently. Cook
 wishes to speak to her Mistress._

_Cook._ Please, 'm, I should like to go out this evening, 'm, which
it's to see them Frogs at the New Theayter.

_Mistress._ But it's all Greek, and you won't understand it.

_Cook._ O yes, 'm. I once saw the Performin' Fleas, and they was
French, I believe, leastways a Frenchman were showin' of 'em, and I
understood all as was necessary.

  [_After this, of course she obtains permission._

       *       *       *       *       *

DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--_Cook (to Vicar's Wife)._ "And what's to be done
with the sole that was saved yesterday, ma'am?"

       *       *       *       *       *

_Bucolic Boot-boy._ "I say, Sarah, wotever be a creematorium?"

_Metropolitan Maid._ "Oh, you _are_ an ignorant boy! Why, it's French
for a milkshop, of course!"

  [Illustration: _Mistress (soliloquizing)._ "I'm afraid this hat's
  rather out of date."

  _Maid._ "Oh, no, mum. It's quite fashionable. Cook has just bought one
  exactly like it!"]

  [Illustration: _Domestic._ "There's a gentleman wants to see yer on
  business."

  _Master._ "Well, ask him to take a chair."

  _Domestic._ "He's taking 'em all, and the table too. He comes from the
  furniture shop!"]

  [Illustration: FOREIGNERS ARE ALWAYS SO VERY POLITE.--_Charming
  Hostess._ "_Do_ have some of my cake. I don't believe you've ever tasted
  my own make?"

  _Delightful Foreigner (wishing to be polite)._ "Indeed--indeed I have,
  and I assure you I did not wish to eat anything else for days after!"]




LADY HELPS


On this subject much nonsense has been written. They are quite as
suitable (perhaps more so than otherwise) to the cottage as to the
castle. The cottage need not have a name spelt with a Celtic series
of dissonant consonants. A few hints may be advisable to the numerous
"Lady Helps" at present in the market.

A Lady may efficiently help the mistress of the household to snub
her husband, by adroitly echoing (and improving) the said mistress's
remarks of a personal character.

A Lady may help the Cook to produce an original dinner, by suggesting
fresh combinations, which will make the said Cook indignant, and even
furious.

A Lady may help the Butler effectually, by decanting the '45 port, and
shaking it a little first as you would Daffy's Elixir.

A Lady may help the visitors to the house by reading all the letters
that may chance to be thrown aside, and taking advantage of any private
intelligence they contain.

  [Illustration: _Mistress._ "Oh, Gwendolen, whatever _have_ you done!"

  _Gwendolen._ "It's all right, m'm. I 'aven't 'urt myself!"]

A Lady may help the master of the house by a flirtation in the
library, while the mistress is away on a round of visits.

A Lady may help the daughters to quiet talks in the Park with ambitious
Curates.

A Lady may possibly help the son and heir to--herself.

You see, there are ladies and ladies, as there are _fagots et fagots_,
and _Mr. Punch_ has his suspicions of the Lady Helps of the future.

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVICE TO SERVANTS OF ALL WORK.--"Learn to labour and to wait."

       *       *       *       *       *

HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Husband (devoted to spouse and bridge)._ What shall we
christen the little dear?

_Wife (still more devoted)._ I've been thinking--why not--_Bridget?_

_Husband (delighted)._ By all means. For luck.

       *       *       *       *       *

"HARD LINES."--_Mistress (to former Cook)._ "Well, Eliza, what are you
doing now?"

_Ex-Cook._ "Well, mum, as you wouldn't give me no character, I've been
obliged to marry a soldier!"

  [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Hostess (who
  has just sung)._ "Are you _quite_ sure you don't sing, Captain Lovell?"

  _Captain Lovell._ "I assure you--a--I've no voice whatever.
  A--unfortunately, I--I'm a _listener_!"]

  [Illustration: INTUITION.--_Ethel (to Mary, her bosom friend, who has
  been admiring the diamonds, and now hears for the hundredth time how
  it all came about)_. "I don't know exactly what it was; but somehow
  I felt, from the moment we met last night, that he meant to propose.
  _Something_ about him--something in his voice----"

  _Mary._ "Ah, I see, there was the true _ring_ in it!"]

  [Illustration: "Oh, please, 'm, th' noo paarson's called to see you."

  "Very well, Mary. I hope you've shown him in, and asked him to sit
  down?"

  "Oh, yes, 'm, ah've _loosed 'im into the drawing-room_!"]




HOW TO GROW A PINK OF FASHION


This Pink must be planted in the most aristocratic soil. The mould
should be the very mould of form. It grows mostly in the open air, and
Belgravia may be looked upon as the great nursery for these Pinks.
Several favourable specimens, also, have been reared at the theatres,
the Italian and French operas, and similar fashionable forcing houses.
It is met with in great profusion at the balls of the nobility. The
latter specimen, however, cannot bear the daylight. It is put into a
hot bed the first thing when carried home in the morning, and there
it remains closed up and almost dead until the evening, when it just
begins to lift its drooping head. It is about twelve o'clock at night
that it is seen to the most blooming advantage. Your Pink of Fashion
is watered with a liquid called champagne, and, if it is at all faint,
a little piece of chicken and ham, and a few crumbs of bread, applied
to the mouth of the delicate flower, will revive it wonderfully. It is
a very tender plant, though it has been known to bloom for two or
three seasons. The greatest care, however, is requisite to keep it from
the cold, for its beauty is so sensitive, that the slightest neglect
will nip it in the bud. The Pink is of several colours, but the white
with a beautiful maiden blush is the specimen the most preferred. This
Pink usually carries its head very high, and, though not distinguished
for any particular amount of scents, still it is eagerly taken in hand
in society for its (s)talk. The Pink of Fashion is mostly single,
but cases of double Pinks have been recorded. The double (or married)
Pink, however, does not excite one half the interest of the one that is
single.

  [Illustration: MUSIC AT HOME.--_Mrs. Smith_ (fortissimo, _to Mrs.
  Brown, in one of those sudden and unexpected pauses with which Herr
  Signor Hammerantonga is fond of surprising his audience_). "And so I
  gave her a month's warning on the spot!"]

  [Illustration: _Farmer Twentystone, from Mudshire, visits his recently
  married niece at Lavender Villas, Brixton._

  _Housemaid._ "Will you sit down, if you please, sir?"]

  [Illustration: FEBRUARY 14

  _Mistress._ "So you want me to read this love-letter to you?"

  _Maid_. "If ye plaze, mam. And I've brought ye some cotton-wool ye can
  stuff in yer ears while ye rade it!"]

  [Illustration: _Her Ladyship (who has been away from home for
  Christmas)._ "Well, Blundell, I hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas
  dinner?" _Blundell._ "Yes, thank you, my lady. Ahem! I--er--took the
  liberty of obtaining--_in the absence of your ladyship_--the biggest
  goose procurable!"]

  [Illustration: BRASS.--_Sympathetic Old Lady._ "Oh dear, dear! I do so
  feel, Mabel, for that poor man with the long trumpet."--(_She must mean
  the trombone in this street band._)--"All through the piece, dear, he's
  been trying to fix it right, and he can't do it, poor fellow!!"]

  [Illustration: SISTERS! (_Before the ball._)--_Pierrette (changing the
  subject after a recent tiff in which she has come off victorious)._
  "This glass is better, Rose. I can see myself here beautifully!"
  _Pompadour (seeing her opportunity)._ "Plainly, I suppose you mean."]

  [Illustration: _Sentimental Youth (to partner shaken by a passing
  tremor)._ "Oh, I hope you don't feel cold?" _She._ "Not at all, thanks.
  Only 'the grey goose walking over my grave.'" _Sentimental Youth (with
  effusion)._ "Happy goose!"]




THE SERVANTS' COLLEGE


Mr. Punch rejoices to hear that "the greatest plague of life" has a
slight chance of being abated by the establishment of a College for
Servants, who will be educated in the most careful way to do justice to
their employers--the main idea being that most lucidly stated by the
Dean of Saint Patrick's, that it is the chief duty of every servant
to ascertain the full amount of his master's income, and to spend
the whole of it on his own department. Having been favoured with an
early copy of the subjects with which the courses will commence, _Mr.
Punch_ is glad to give to this useful undertaking the advantage of his
worldwide publicity.

CLASS 1. _Lady Housekeepers._--"How to manage a widower with young
children. In three heads: 1, Domestication; 2, Flirtation; 3,
Temptation."

CLASS 2. _Cooks._--"How to make the kitchen-fire too hot for the
missus, and too cool for the sirloin."

  [Illustration: _Son of the House._ "Aren't you dancing this? May I have
  the pleasure? I'm trying to do my duty all round to-night!"]

CLASS 3. _Butlers._--"How to substitute Marsala for Madeira, and _Vin
ordinaire_ for Château-Lafitte."

CLASS 4. _Lady's-Maids._--"How to look much prettier than the young
ladies when there are visitors in the house."

CLASS 5. _Footmen._--"How to make a fortune out of six feet two in
height, and calves nineteen inches round."

CLASS 6. _Men and Wives._--"How to keep their quarrels to themselves,
and feed their 'incumbrances' in the neighbourhood."

CLASS 7. _Coachmen and Grooms._--"How to make the corn supplied to the
stables more useful than if wasted on dumb animals."

CLASS 8. _Housemaids._--"How to train that noble animal, the harmless
necessary cat, to break glass and snap up unconsidered trifles."

It can scarcely be doubted, from this preliminary syllabus of lectures,
that the new Institution will do much for the comfort, economy, and
refinement of our households.

       *       *       *       *       *

"CHAMBER MUSIC."--Baby!

  [Illustration: _Lady Sneerwell._ "Have your daughters accomplished much
  in music?" _Unfortunate Father._ "Yes--the tenants below have moved."]




THE MODERN WOMAN'S VADE MECUM


_Question._ Do you agree with a certain female lecturer, that it is the
duty of the fair sex to captivate the other?

_Answer._ Certainly, as cleverness need not be divorced from
fascination.

_Q._ You do not object, then, to brains in the abstract?

_A._ No; but as some men have a horror of the blue-stocking, I would
cover fine heads with pretty toques.

_Q._ And if a woman has literary tastes, what would you advise?

_A._ That part of her reading should be devoted to the fashion
journals, and she should not sacrifice her toilette to her intellect.

_Q._ What is your opinion about latchkeys, visits to the music-halls,
and cigarettes?

_A._ That, from a man's point of view, they are played out, and
consequently should be abandoned by man's would-be help-mate.

_Q._ What do you think of glasses?

_A._ That, when necessary, they should take the shape of a pince-nez,
as it is more becoming than spectacles.

  [Illustration: "INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS." UN PAGE D'AMOUR]

_Q._ Then, before marriage, what should be your treatment of man?

_A._ I should do all I can in my power to please him.

_Q._ And after the nuptial knot had been tied, what then?

_A._ That, as Mr. Rudyard Kipling would observe, is quite another story.

       *       *       *       *       *

NEW RULES FOR "PIT"

[_On the authority of the Athenæum Club_]

(1) The table shall be firmly clamped to the ground, and the cards
shall be of metal not less than ¼ inch thick, with rounded corners.

(2) Any player who speaks in such an audible voice that the position of
the roof is altered shall be forced to make the damage good.

(3) No player shall use a megaphone or speaking-trumpet of any kind.

(4) Muffin-bells may only be employed by players who have formed a
"corner," and desire to communicate this fact to other players.

  [Illustration: "THE EARTHLY PARADISE."--"What reason did he give for
  wishing to break off the engagement so soon?" "He said the report that
  he was engaged to me had not extended his credit nearly as much as he
  had hoped for."]

(5) If a player has called "corner," and is found to have only eight
similar cards in his hand, the game shall be continued without him. His
remains may be removed at leisure.

(6) "Progressive Pit" with more than four tables shall only be played
in a house which is at least five miles in any direction from other
inhabited buildings.

(7) No person who is not a player shall approach while a game is in
progress, except in the case when a player faints across the table and
so obstructs the play.

       *       *       *       *       *

SPRING CLEANING

[SCENE--_Spring Gardens._ _Enter Algy_, L.H., _meeting Frankie as he
strolls in_, R.H.]

_Algy._ Hallo, old boy! (_Greeting_) I've just had my house papered and
painted inside and out.

_Frankie._ Indeed! And--er--(_struck by the novelty_) what sort of
paper did you have put _outside_?

  [_Exit Algy_, R.H., _and Frankie_, L.H. _Scene closes._

       *       *       *       *       *

ANSWER TO MARY ANNE.--The needle-gun is not threaded with gun-cotton.

  [Illustration: _She (to clumsy steerer)._ "Rather like progressive
  bridge, isn't it?" _He._ "Why?" _She._ "Well, you see, you run up
  against everyone in the room before you've done."

  [Illustration: ROMANCE OF THE KITCHEN

  _Cook (from the area)._ "O, 'Liza, gi' me my winigrette--I've 'ad
  a--offer--from the _dustman_!!"]

  [Illustration: THE CONVALESCENT

  _New Curate (tenderly)._ "My good man, what induced you to send for me?"

  _Oldest Inhabitant._ "What does he say, Betty?"

  _Betty._ "Says what the deuce did you send for him, for!!"]

  [Illustration: THE MEREST ACCIDENT.--_She._ "So you failed in your
  _vivâ voce_ exam.?" _He._ "Yes; but it was purely from absence of
  mind."]

  [Illustration: "O NOBLE FOOL! O WORTHY FOOL!"

  _Uncle (to nephew, who has just come into a fortune)._ "You must
  remember, my boy, that 'a fool and his money are soon parted'!"

  _Fair Cousin._ "Oh, but I'm sure Sammy will be the _exception that
  proves the rule_!" [_Sammy is delighted._]

  [Illustration: PERNICIOUS PRAISE.--_Mr. Ranty Snobbarts (holding
  forth)._ "By Jove, I'm awfully keen on huntin'. Ain't you, what?"
  _Horrid Boy._ "Yes, by Jove, he _is_ keen. Why, when he wasn't huntin'
  the fox, he was huntin' his horse!"]

  [Illustration: DUTY FIRST.--_Her Ladyship (who is giving a servants'
  ball--to butler)._ "We shall begin with a square dance, and I shall
  want you, Wilkins, to be my partner." _Wilkins._ "Certainly my lady;
  and afterwards I presoom we may dance with 'oom we like?"]

  [Illustration: _Maid._ "There's a much better tone in this house now,
  m'm, than there used to be." _Lady (indignantly)._ "Indeed! I don't
  understand you Chalmers." _Maid._ "Oh, m'm, I mean downstairs, of
  course. Not upstairs."

  [Illustration: THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN EXPRESSED
  DIFFERENTLY.--_Uncle George._ "So glad you are so much better, Amy, my
  dear." _Amy._ "Yes, thank you, Uncle George. Since Dr. Pillum took me
  in hand my recovery has been _simply miraculous_!"]

  [Illustration: _Applicant (for situation as parlour-maid)._ "Should I
  be expected to hand things at lunch, madam, _or do you stretch_?"]

  [Illustration: _Lady Caller (to old family servant)._ "Well, Bridget,
  did Master Arthur shoot any tigers in India?"

  _Bridget._ "Of coorse he did. Shure we have the horns of the craythurs
  hung in the hall!"]




PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVANTS

PRELIMINARY CHAPTER


Betty, "first catch your fish," is a golden rule for a cook, and first
catch your situation is a very necessary piece of advice to be given to
servants in general. The choice of a mistress requires as much judgment
as the choice of poultry; and you should be careful not to pick out
a very old bird in either case. The best market to go to in order to
suit yourself is a servants' bazaar--as it is called--where mistresses
are always on view for servants to select from. On being shown up to
a lady, you should always act and talk as if you were hiring her,
instead of wanting to be hired. You should examine her closely as to
the company she keeps, and the number of her family; when, if there
is any insuperable objection--such as the absence of a footman, a
stipulation against perquisites, a total prohibition of a grease-pot,
or a denial of the right of visit, by a refusal to allow followers--in
either or all of these cases, it will be as well to tell "the lady"
plainly that you must decline her situation. It is a good general rule
to be the first to give a refusal, and, when you find you are not
likely to suit the place, a bold assertion that the place will not
suit you, prevents any compromise of your dignity. If you like the
appearance and manner of the party requiring your assistance, but with
some few concessions to be made, the best way to obtain them will be by
declaring that you never heard of any "lady" requiring--whatever it may
be that you have set your face against. By laying a stress on the word
"lady," you show your knowledge of the habits of the superior classes;
and as the person hiring you will probably wish to imitate their ways,
she will perhaps take your hint as to what a "lady" ought to do, and
dispense with conditions, which, on your authority, are pronounced
unlady-like. If a situation seems really desirable, you should evince a
willingness, and profess an ability, to do anything, and everything. If
you get the place, and are ever called upon to fulfil your promises, it
is easy to say you did not exactly understand you would be expected to
do this, or that; and as people generally dislike changing, you will,
most probably, be able to retain your place.

  [Illustration: _Smithson (the celebrated poet, novelist, playwright,
  &c.)._ "But, my dear young lady, I really don't understand you. I
  haven't been winning any ping-pong tournament. I don't play."

  _Miss Brown._ "Oh, but _surely_ I heard our hostess say you were '_the_
  Mr. Smithson!'"]

  [Illustration: A HINT.--_Young Housewife (as the front door bell
  rings)._ "Now, is that the butcher's boy--or a visitor?" _New "General"
  (after a pause)._ "If you don't think you're tidy enough, mum--_I_'ll
  go!"]

When asked if you are fond of children, you should not be content with
saying simply "yes," but you should indulge in a sort of involuntary,
"Bless their little hearts!" which has the double advantage of
appearing to mean everything, while it really pledges you to nothing.
Never stick out for followers, if they are objected to; though you
may ask permission for a cousin to come and see you; and as you do
not say which cousin, provided only one comes at a time, you may have
half-a-dozen to visit you. Besides, if the worst comes to the worst,
and you cannot do any better, there is always the police to fall back
upon. By-the-way, as the police cannot be in every kitchen at once, it
might answer the purpose of the female servants throughout London, to
establish police sweeps, on the principle of the Derby lotteries, or
the Art-Union. Each subscriber might draw a number, and if the number
happened to be that of the policeman on duty, she would be entitled to
him as a _beau_, during a specified period.

  [Illustration: _Visitor._ "I'm so glad to find you going on so nicely,
  Mrs. Jenkins! And is this the dear little soul? I would so _love_ to
  see him!" _Mrs. Jenkins._ "Lor, no, mum! That's my 'usband taking
  his bit o' rest. He's a policeman on night duty." [_Quick exit, with
  promise to look in again._]

Always stipulate for beer-money, and propose it less for your own
advantage than as a measure of economy to your mistress, urging that
when there is beer in the house it is very likely to get wasted.
You will, of course, have the milk in your eye, when proposing this
arrangement.

Tea and sugar must not be much insisted on, for they are now seldom
given, but this does not prevent them from being very frequently taken.

Having said thus much by way of preliminary advice, we commence our
guides to service with


THE MAID-OF-ALL-WORK

On arriving in your new place you get from the servant who is going
away the character of your new mistress. She has already had yours, and
you have a right to know hers, which, as it is given by a domestic who
is most probably discharged, will, of course, be a very bad one.

  [Illustration: _Mistress._ "You wish me to take your notice, Jane. This
  is very sudden, isn't it?"

  _Jane (blushing)._ "Oh no, mum, I've known 'im three days!"]

When your predecessor has taken her departure, your mistress may,
perhaps, come into the kitchen and tell you what you will have to do,
or, at least, a part of it. She will show you the bells, and tell you
which is the house bell, which the parlour bell, which the drawing-room
bell, and which are the bells of the different bed-rooms; but she
will not tell you how you are to answer them when they are all ringing
at once, which may occasionally happen. As it will probably be late
when you arrive, you will have to carry up the tray for supper, when
you will be stared at, and scrutinised as the new servant, by the
whole of the family. Let us now look at your wardrobe. Two of each
article will be enough, for if the washing is done once a week you
have a change; but if only once in three weeks, you must contrive to
supply yourself with the smaller articles, such as stockings and pocket
handkerchiefs, from the family stock of linen.

As a maid-of-all-work, you have the great advantage of being a good
deal alone, and can therefore indulge in the pleasures of philosophy.
You can light the fires, and think of Hobbes. Fasten the hall-door, and
recollect some passage in Locke. Or broil the ham for breakfast while
wrapped up in Bacon.

  [Illustration: "MERELY MARY ANN" AGAIN.--"Please, 'm, the fishmonger
  says will you have it filtered?"]

You should rise early if you can, but if you cannot you must make up
for it by hurrying over your work as quickly as possible. As warm
water will be wanted upstairs, don't stop to light the kitchen fire,
but throw on two or three bundles of wood, and set them all burning
at once, when you will have some hot water immediately. Run into the
parlour and open the shutters, light the fire, cut the bread and
butter, clean the shoes, make the toast; and when this is on the table,
devote any time you may have to spare to sweeping the carpet.

Now, the family having gone down to breakfast, you may light the
kitchen fire, and then run up and make the beds. After which you may
sit down to your own breakfast, having previously, of course, taken the
opportunity of helping yourself to tea and sugar from the tea-caddy.

You may now go upstairs, professedly to sweep the bedrooms, but really
to look out of window, and if the street is a narrow one, talk to the
servant opposite. Besides, looking out of window saves time, for you
are able to answer the fifty people who come to the door in the course
of the morning with hair-brooms, apples, carpets and rugs, tapes and
stay-laces.

Being in a new place, you will be naturally curious to examine all the
cupboards and drawers up-stairs, but do not be too inquisitive at
first, for you will have other opportunities for a good rummage.

[Illustration: _Lady (engaging servant)._ "I ought to tell you that we
are all strict teetotalers here. I suppose you won't mind that?" _Mary
Jane._ "Oh, no, mum. I've been in a reformed drunkard's family before!"]

[Illustration: SIMPLE SAYINGS FOR THE SILLY

Bad as it is to be fawned upon, it is better than to be bitten.]


[Illustration: SANCTA SIMPLICITAS

_Orthodox Old Maid._ "But, Rebecca, is your place of worship
consecrated?"

_Domestic (lately received into the Plymouth Brotherhood)._ "Oh no,
miss--it's galvanised iron!"]

You will now come down to cook the dinner; but, as this is another
branch of service, we proceed to tell you how to lay the table. Lay the
knives and forks, taking the latter from the plate-basket, where they
will be kept, though they are probably only Britannia metal or German
silver; nevertheless, call it "the plate," as it will gratify your
mistress.

If the family should be addicted to display, without means, you will
have to set round doyleys and wine-glasses, with a decanter containing
a remnant of British wine, which will not be touched, but will be
brought on "for the look of the thing" every day after dinner. The time
has now arrived for your own meal, and make the most of it. Secure all
the tit-bits, and if you cannot manage to get through the whole of them
at dinner, put away part of them for supper.

[Illustration: DISADVANTAGES OF PERFORMING AT A COUNTRY HOUSE IN THE
WASP SEASON. (_Just in the most important passage too._)]

About this time the afternoon's milk will arrive, and if you have
beer-money you will take some of the milk out for your own use, taking
care to fill up with warm water, so that you do not cheat your mistress
of her quantity. You will be in the middle of washing up your dishes,
when the family will want tea, and you will have just sat down to
your own tea, when you will probably be asked to do some mending. The
best way to put a stop to this is to turn sulky, do the work badly, or
express the greatest surprise, declaring that all the time you have
been out to service you never, &c., and would be glad to know who on
earth, &c., &c., &c.

[Illustration: "I wish, madam, you would not interrupt me every time I
try to say something. Do I ever break in when you're talking?"

"No, you brute, you go to sleep!"]

[Illustration: TO KEEP HIS MEMORY GREEN

_He._ "I was an intimate friend of your late husband. Can't you give me
something to remember him by?"

_She (shyly)._ "How would _I_ do?"]

[Illustration: THE SERVANT QUESTION

"Oh, I say, 'ave you seen the papers about 'shall we do without
servants?' I should like to see 'em try, that's all!" "Yus, and me
too!"]

You must not forget to cultivate your mind, and for this purpose you
had better take in "Brainy Bits," and if you read it through every
week, your head at the end of the year will be full of volcanic
rocks, the solar system, primary strata, electric eels, organic
remains, and hints for preserving gooseberries.

[Illustration: A CUT BENEATH HER

_Lady of the House._ "Oh, yes, Jane, I asked Mrs. Johnston to let her
little boy and his nurse call to go walking with you and the children."
_Nurse._ "Well, ma'am, I hope as you don't expect me to go walking with
_that_ young person? I don't think you can be aware as she is only a
_nurse-'ousemaid_!"]

On washing days there will probably be a woman come to wash; and in the
mutual confidence of the tub, you will probably become very friendly.
You may, no doubt, be of great service to each other, you in giving her
bits of this and that, while she may serve you by becoming the agent
for the disposal of your kitchen-stuff.

Do not fall a victim to low spirits, and above all, avoid sentiment. A
morbid-minded maid-of-all-work, whose heart has been carried off in the
butcher's tray, the milkman's can, or the baker's basket, is for ever
lost. Never hang your affections on a policeman's staff. The force is
proverbially fickle, and many a servant girl has pined with a hopeless
passion for one who has moved in a superior station.

[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 1.--What has the dealer declared?]

[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 2.--Will dummy go spades?]

[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 3.--Why did she declare hearts?]

[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 4.--What has dummy declared?]

[Illustration: BRIDGE PROBLEMS.--NO. 5.--Who doubled no trumps?]

One of the most trying situations for a maid-of-all-work, is in a house
where there are lodgers. She will, very likely, have to take everything
at once to everybody at once. She will be having the first floor and
the two-pair back clamouring at the same time for the only tea-pot in
the house, while the parlour will be calling angrily for his boots,
which have been taken by mistake, to the garret, who is writhing in
intense agony for his highlows.


THE COOK

For ages it has been believed that a certain wicked person sends cooks;
but Johnson has well observed, and so by the by have Smith and Brown,
that "if we had no cooks, we should be as bad as cannibals."

[Illustration: _Butler._--"Master says you're to have a glass o' this
before you go, Mrs. Giles. Now, that's some rare good stuff, that is,
an' will do 'ee a world o' good!"

_Mrs. Giles._--"Well, it certainly _do_ taste better than the physic I
be in the 'abit o' takin'!"]

Cooks have always been the subject of sarcasm, and Jones tells us that
even in his day the wits loved to give the cooks a good roasting. It
is said, moreover, that "too many cooks will spoil the broth," from
which we may presume that, as the workhouse broth is the very worst in
the world, a great many cooks must have a hand in it. Apicius was the
first man who made cookery a science, and he poisoned himself: no doubt
with his own cookery. He invented several sauces, and was, in fact, the
Roman Harvey. He is believed to have been the first who added the
trimmings to legs of mutton, and he took for his motto the line in
Virgil:--

  "_At Regina gravi jamdudum saucia curâ._"

because the luxury of _gravy_, _jam_, _sauce_ and _curry_ are all
shadowed forth in the quotation alluded to.

Dr. Johnson was, according to Boswell, "a man of very nice
discrimination in the science of cookery," and he was proverbial for
his sauce, which he dealt out to every one with the greatest freedom.
Boswell once asked him if he liked pickles, when he said, "No, sir; the
man who would eat a pickle would pick a pocket."

Boswell adds, "I ventured to say he would"; and they wound up the
evening with grog, which Boswell, as usual, had to pay for; and it is
thought that the expression of "Standing _Sam_" originated with Boswell
having to stand whatever Sam (Johnson) chose to call for.

The celebrated Dr. Parr was also a great epicure, and liked his
victuals underdone, from which we have the expression Parr-boiling.
Milton loved his meat well dressed, and died with a good thing in his
mouth; but whether it was a morsel of philosophy, or something nice,
has never transpired.

[Illustration: A DEAD CERT.--_Expert from the Estate (just arrived--the
gardener being a distinct failure)._ "Why, would you I believe it, sir,
I thoroughly cleaned your stove yesterday just before you came--took
it all to pieces--and" (_most cheerfully_) "I'll lay a sovereign I put
some of it back wrong!"]

Having said thus much of the ancient and classical who took an interest
in cookery, we plunge down stairs into the modern kitchen, and embrace
the cook of the present period.

On going to be hired, you will, perhaps, be told there are no
perquisites allowed. Don't stick out about that, for if perquisites are
not allowed you must take them.

It is easy to say the meat makes no dripping, and, of course, you can't
account for it.

It is a rule in cookery to make the best and the most of everything,
and you will therefore sell your kitchen-stuff at the marine-store shop
that will give the best price for it.

In some families the mistress of the house will assist the cook; but
she should have a sickener of that as soon as possible. If she makes
a pie, spoil it in the baking; for if there is any truth in the adage
about "too many cooks," the lady of the house should not be encouraged
in making one of the number.

[Illustration: ONE THING AT A TIME

_Genial Master (under the painful necessity of discharging his
coachman)._ "I'm afraid, Simmons, we must part. The fact is, I couldn't
help noticing that several times during the last month you have
been--sober; and I don't believe a man can attend properly to the drink
if he has driving to do!"]

Order is a great essential to a cook, who should keep everything
in its place, taking care to keep herself as snugly in her place as
possible. Never connive at dishonesty in others, but keep yourself to
yourself; for, if you rob your mistress, the least return you can make
is not to sanction others in doing so.

Never go into any place where a cat is not kept. This useful domestic
animal is the true servants' friend, accounting for the disappearance
of tit-bits, lumps of butter, and other odd matters, as well as being
the author of all mysterious breakages. What the safety-valve is to the
steam-engine, the cat is to the kitchen, preventing all explosions or
blowings up that might otherwise occur in the best regulated families.

Having laid down some general principles for the guidance of cooks, we
give a few maxims that cannot be too strictly attended to.

1. Keep yourself clean and tidy if you can. If your fingers are greasy
wipe them on your hair, which thus acquires a polish.

2. When a joint comes down from dinner, cut off what you intend for
your supper. If cut while the joint is warm, it does not show that it
has been cut. Relieve it also from all superfluous fat, which will of
course go into your grease-pot.

[Illustration: A WARM WELCOME.--_Distracted Hostess (to Uncle George,
who has arrived unexpectedly)._ "Oh, I'm _so_ glad you have come! The
conjuror I had engaged hasn't turned up. So _you_'ll do some tricks to
amuse the children, won't you?"]

3. If you want a jelly-bag, cut up an ironing blanket for the purpose.
The former is of course wanted in a hurry, but the latter may be
procured at leisure.

4. When your dishes come down stairs, throw them all into scalding
water at once. Those that are not broken by the operation may
afterwards be taken out, and put in their proper places.

5. Scour your pickle-jars, but empty them first, if you are fond of
pickle.

6. If you have been peeling onions, cut bread-and-butter with the same
knife; it will show the multifariousness of your occupations, and
perhaps give a hint for raising your wages.

7. Let your spit and your skewers be always rusty; or, at least, do not
take the trouble to polish them; for by leaving great black holes in
the meat, they show it has been roasted, which is always better than
being baked, and it will be the more relished in consequence.

8. Never do anything by halves, except lamb, which you must sometimes
do by quarters.

[Illustration: INDIRECT ORATION.--"Oh, if you please, mum, there's no
meat for dinner. The butcher 'as been and gone and never come this
morning!"]

9. If you are cooking even a sheep's head or a bullock's heart, take
pains with them, so that what you do may be equally creditable to your
head and heart.

10. If you have a follower, or a policeman, who likes a snack, cut
it off each joint before you cook it--for everything loses in the
cooking--and the disappearance of one pound, at least, in eight or
nine, may thus be easily accounted for.

The above maxims will be sufficient to guide the cook in her course
of service, and we do not add any receipts, for it has been well said
by Dr. Kitchener, or might have been said by him as well as by anyone
else--that he who gives a receipt for making a stew, may himself make a
sad hash of it.

In bidding farewell to the cook, we would have her remember that her
control over the safe will give her a peculiar influence over the
hearts of the police, and she must be careful not to enervate a whole
division, and leave a district defenceless, by being too lavish with
the blandishments of love and the larder.

[Illustration: SCENE--_Country Vicarage._

_Burglar (who has been secured by athletic vicar after long and severe
struggle)._ "I think you're treatin' me very crool--and a clergyman
too!"]


THE LADY'S-MAID

Ladies'-maids are the rarest articles of female domestic service, and
being in the nature of luxuries, are the best paid. They are to cooks
and housemaids what the pine-apple is to the _pomme de terre_, and
for this pine-like superiority of station many are doomed to pine in
vain. The statistics of female service give us a million maids as the
grand total, and deducting three-eighths for servants-of-all-work,
two-eighths for cooks, three-sixteenths for housemaids, and one-eighth
for nurses, we have a surplus of one-sixteenth for ladies'-maids, which
will be about a fair average.

Servants belonging to this superior class should be able to read and
write. It is a good practice in the former accomplishment to read all
the notes sent to your mistress, and the little motto wafers, now in
use, seem invented to facilitate this arrangement, for they never
adhere to the envelope.

[Illustration: BRIDGE BELOW STAIRS.--"Good gracious, James, whatever is
the meaning of this extraordinary hilarity in the kitchen?"

"Cook's just revoked for the third time, marm!"]

You will probably have the charge of your mistress's apartments. Never
suffer anything to lie about, and, therefore, you should pocket any
trifle that is left carelessly out of its place. I do not mean to
say you should become a thief, for, if found out, you would lose your
place, and your character, but you must take care of a thing till it is
missed, and when it is wanted, it will, of course be asked for. It is
then time enough for you to find it in some hole or corner, into which
it has of course got by accident. Your lady's dressing-box will be
under your care. See that the scent-bottles are always well supplied,
which you can only ascertain by taking a little out of them for your
own use very frequently.

You should endeavour at all times to save your mistress trouble by
acting for her as much as you can; and in order to do this effectually,
you should dress as much like her as possible. Order about other
servants just as she would herself, and talk to tradespeople exactly
as if they were being spoken to by your mistress, of whom you are the
representative. Of course the closer the representation you give of
her, the more exact are you in the performance of your duty.

[Illustration: "GRAND SLAM" IN THE STONE AGE.--It is, for obvious
reasons, undeniable that a great wave of "Progressive Bridge" passed
over the entire human race at a remote period. It is no use blinking
the fact that while it lasted it was responsible for a marked
"set-back" in the census returns.]

Some ladies'-maids are expected to mend their ladies' clothes; but no
lady, that is a lady, ought to wear any clothes that have been mended.
You should try and persuade her to be of the same opinion, by which you
will not only save yourself the trouble of mending, but you will come
in for many things much sooner than you could otherwise hope to do. The
author of the proverb, that "a stitch in time saves nine," no doubt
thought himself very clever; but if avoiding trouble is the object, it
stands to reason that though "a stitch in time saves nine," it must be
a greater saving still never to put a stitch in anything.

If your mistress will make you work at your needle, put a novel on your
lap, so that you may read and work at the same time. If you are asked
to cut out a body, make a bungling job of it, that you may not be asked
to do the same thing again. If you cut out anybody it should be the
lady's-maid next door, with which your ambition ought to be satisfied.

Taking out marks from linen is an essential part of the duties of a
lady's-maid. Some practise themselves in this art by taking out the
initials of their mistress and substituting their own; but this is a
dangerous experiment.

[Illustration: _Prof. Gimlet._ "Who is that pretty girl those men are
talking to?"

_Miss Bradawl._ "Oh, she's nobody; it's strange how some women attract
the men; now there's Miss Blinkins over there, such a nice clever girl,
and I haven't seen a man speak to her the whole evening."]

It is said in "Knight's Guide to Service" that "when for the first
time you stand behind your mistress's chair to brush her hair, you may
feel that you are placed in a situation of high trust." This, however,
depends upon circumstances; for if your mistress dyes her hair, it is a
great mark of her confidence to ask you to brush it. If she wears false
braids, she is, to a certain extent, in your power; for, as the poet
says--

  "Should she upbraid,"

you might betray her; but if she is almost bald, and wears a wig, from
the moment of your being entrusted to stand behind her chair and brush
her hair, you may do what you please with her.

If, in the story of _Faustus_, _Margaret_ had worn a wig, and
_Mephistophiles_ had seen her but once without it, the power of the
fiend over her would have been irresistible.

[Illustration: A DIFFICULT TASK.--"Jack, dear, I do wish you would get
another photo taken."

"How often have I told you I will not?"

"But why not?" (_Then, thoughtfully, after a pause._) "Are you afraid
of being asked to look pleasant?"]

In your position of lady's-maid, many family secrets will perhaps come
to your knowledge. Do not talk of them to your fellow-servants, which
would, in fact, be destroying your own valuable monopoly. A servant
who knows a great deal of the family affairs cannot be cheaply parted
with. You will be secure in your place, and will therefore be in a
position to make the most of all its advantages.

The little work we have already alluded to says, that if the
lady's-maid is depressed in spirits, "she should open her mind to the
friend, whoever it may be, that got her the place." This friend is
usually the keeper of a servants' office, who would have enough to do
if she were made to bear the infliction of all the unbosomings of all
the discontented servants she may have found situations for. This mode
of easing your heart would involve the necessity of constantly running
out, besides the expense of an occasional omnibus.

[Illustration: UNHAPPILY EXPRESSED.--_She (who did not know they were
to meet)._ "Why, Mr. Brown, this is a pleasant surprise!"

_He (who did)._ "I can't altogether say that it is so to me, Miss
Jones!"]

Manners form an essential part of the qualities of a lady's-maid, and
making one's self agreeable is the best mannered thing one can possibly
accomplish. This is to be done by praise, for nothing is more agreeable
to a lady than flattery. However sensible your mistress may be, she is
sure to have a share of female vanity; and even if she knows herself to
be ugly altogether, she will fancy she has some redeeming feature. If
she squints, praise her complexion; if that is bad, tell her she has
beautiful eyes: if she has a dumpty figure, praise her face; and if her
countenance is as ugly as sin, tell her that her shape is exquisite.
Some people will tell you that sensible women don't like flattery;
but this you must not believe; for, however sensible they are, they
are pleased by it, particularly when it is administered with so much
art as to seem not intended for mere compliment. Very palpable praise
is insulting to the generality of ladies; but flattery can scarcely
be too gross for some few of them. You should study the character of
your mistress, that you may not run the risk of offending her by too
much praise, or hurting her by giving too little. Your mistress will
sometimes take a journey, and you will then have to pack her things for
her. The following directions for packing a lady's portmanteau may,
therefore, be of use to you:--Put the lighter dresses at the bottom,
for these will not be wanted while travelling; and artificial flowers,
wreaths, &c., may go along with them. Insert next a layer of dress
caps, and ram well down with heavy dresses, to keep the others in
their places. Throw in a sprinkling of shoes, and then add the rest
of the wardrobe; cramming-in the marking-ink and the desk at the top,
where they are easily got at if they are wanted. Thrust in scissors and
hairbrushes anywhere that you can find room for them. Get the footman
to cord the box, for it will be a good romp for you, as well as great
assistance.

By following these instructions, you will find that you have a
tolerably snug place of it.

[Illustration: _Belle of Balham (to professor, who has just played
Chopin's funeral march)._ "That's awfully jolly! Now play one of
Lohengrin's things!"]


THE NURSERY-MAID

Any one may undertake the place of a nursery-maid. As every female has,
when a girl, been in the habit of carrying, letting fall, snubbing
and slapping, either her own or some one else's little brothers and
sisters, it is easy to say you have been accustomed to children.

Supposing that you enter service as a nursery-maid, there will,
perhaps, be an upper nurse, who will be, in fact, your mistress. Your
care at home will be to wait on her; and when walking out, you will
have to keep the children at a convenient distance while she flirts
with her _beau_, who will probably be one of the British soldiery. This
will be very tantalising to you at first; but you must recollect that
your own time will come, if you wait patiently.

[Illustration: PRIMUM VIVERE, DEINDE PHILOSOPHARI.--"Is Florrie's
engagement really off, then?"

"Oh, yes. Jack wanted her to give up gambling and smoking, and goodness
knows what else."

(_Chorus._) "How absurd!!"]

Some places are very different from others. You may go into a wealthy
family where the children are kept upstairs, like live lumber, in the
nursery, and are only brought out now and then for show, like the
horses of the state carriage, or the best tea-set. If you curb their
spirits that they may be docile on those occasions, and turn them out
to the best advantage as far as appearance is concerned, you will be
a favourite with your mistress. In some places you will be what is
called "assisted" by the mother; or, in other words, interfered with,
just enough to destroy all your attempts at discipline. In this case,
your mistress will doubtless tell you, that if you cannot manage the
children, she must find someone who can, and will give you warning
accordingly.

[Illustration: _She._ "What an enormous expanse of shirt-front Major
Armstrong has!"

_He._ "H'm--it isn't his _front_ I object to. It's his _side_!"]

It is not necessary to give you any particular directions about your
dress, for the penny _Belle Assemblée_ will furnish you with all the
latest fashions; and you have only to do in cottons and stuffs, what
your mistress is doing in silks and satins. You should bear in mind,
that you are not obliged to make yourself a dowdy to please any one;
for nature has doubtless given you a pretty face, and the gifts of
nature ought to be made the most of. Besides, if you are a servant at
home, you are a lady out of doors; and you may even keep a parasol at
the greengrocer's, to be ready for you when you take a holiday.

When you go to a new place, your mistress will, perhaps, tell you
the character of each child, that you may know how to manage their
different tempers; but you will, of course, use your own discretion.
If one is pointed out as a high-spirited little fellow, you may be
sure that he is fond of killing flies, tying toys to the dog's tail,
striking you, and crying, as if you had struck him, when he hears his
mamma coming. If you are told that one of the dear boys has a turn for
finding out how everything is made, and he must not be checked, as
his papa intends him for a civil-engineer, you may be sure that the
juvenile spirit of inquiry will be shown in pulling your work-box to
pieces, unless you turn his attention to the furniture, which he should
be encouraged to dissect in preference to any of your property.

[Illustration: THE LATEST LITTLE GAME.--"The duchess is looking awfully
pleased with herself this evenin'. What's the matter?"

"What! Haven't you heard? Why, she's just been made editor of the pet
poodle page in the _Upper Crust Magazine_!"]

When you have a baby to take care of, some say you should be particular
in its food; but if the child cries you have no time for this, and you
must stop its mouth with anything that comes handiest. Indiscriminate
feeding is said to lay the foundation of diseases which remain with
the child through life; but as you do not remain with the child so
long, this is not your business. A nurse who knows thoroughly what
she is about, will keep a little Godfrey's Cordial, or some other
opiate, always at hand--but quite out of sight--to soothe the infant;
for nothing is so distressing to the mother, or such a nuisance to
yourself, as to hear a child continually crying. When there is only
one infant these soothing syrups must be cautiously applied, lest the
necessity for a nurse should terminate altogether, and you are thrown
out of your situation.

[Illustration: _Nervous Player (deprecatingly playing card)._--"I
really don't know what to play. I'm afraid I've made a fool of myself."

_Partner (re-assuringly)._ "That's all right. I don't see what else you
could have done!"]

An infant sometimes requires example before it will take to its food,
and, as it is very nice, you may as well eat one half of it first,
to encourage the infant to eat the other. Use sugar in children's
food very sparingly, and, lest the infant be tempted to want some of
the sugar that is saved out of the quantity allowed, lose no time in
locking it up out of sight in your own tea-caddy. If you wish to save
your beer-money, recollect that milk is heavy for children, unless
mixed copiously with water. As nothing ought to be wasted, you can
drink what remains, instead of beer, at your dinner.

There are many very troublesome duties that some nurses undertake in
order to amuse the child; but as Nature is acknowledged to be the best
nurse, you had better let Nature try her hand at all the hard work,
while you confine yourself to that which is easy.

When a child reaches a certain age it will begin to want amusement,
when, if there are no toys, you may give it the poker and tongs, or
set it down on the floor before the coal-scuttle. Opening and shutting
a box is also an amusement; as it involves occasionally the shutting
in of the child's own fingers, the operation combines instruction
also. As a child may be troublesome while being washed, give it the
powder-puff; and as every thing goes to the mouth, the dear little
thing will commence sucking the powder-puff, which will keep it quiet.

[Illustration: WORKING OUT THEIR OWN SALIVATION

This is not a feast of "funeral baked meats." It is a party of hygienic
enthusiasts, following the system by which all food is masticated
eighty-five times and then allowed to remain in the mouth till it
disappears by involuntary absorption.]

A very interesting age in children is when they begin "to take
notice." When taking a walk with the children it cannot be expected
that you can always have your eyes on _them_, and you must therefore
accustom them to take care of themselves as much as possible. Besides,
self-preservation is the first law of Nature, and a child cannot too
soon be taught to follow it. Thus, if you are looking about you and
the children get into the road, while a carriage is passing, you will
probably not be aware of their danger, till it is past, when you will
begin slapping and scolding your little charges that they may know
better for the future.

It is a very fine thing to encourage generosity in children, and you
should therefore talk a great deal about the presents you have received
on birth-days and on other occasions from the little dears in the place
where you last lived. This will of course give your mistress a hint as
to what she ought to do. For the children will naturally ask to be
allowed to make you presents, and the parents not liking to check the
amiable feeling, and desirous of not being thought shabby in comparison
with your former employers, will no doubt give--through the hands of
the children--what you may have occasion for.

[Illustration: _Hostess (introducing first violin to sporting and
non-musical guest)._ "This is Professor Jingelheim, who leads the
quartet, you know."

_Sporting Guest (thinking to be highly complimentary)._
"Leads--eh--ah--by several lengths, eh--and the rest nowhere! What?"]

If you have nephews and nieces you may supply them with many little
articles of dress that are pronounced to be "past mending." If your
mistress notices that the stock of children's things diminish, you can
suggest that "things won't wear for ever," which often passes as an
apology for a sensible diminution in the number of socks and pinafores.
You may observe that Master So-and-So is such "a spirited little
fellow, that he does wear his things out very fast," and your mistress
will be satisfied if she thinks her child's spirit has caused half his
wardrobe to evaporate.

If you follow all these instructions to the letter, you will make as
good a nursery-maid as the best of them.

       *       *       *       *       *

HINT TO HOUSEMAIDS.--How to destroy flies--encourage spiders.

[Illustration: A MATTER OF HABIT.--_Lady (engaging new cook)._ "One
thing more. I always like my servants to dress quietly."

_Applicant._ "Oh, there won't be any trouble about that, ma'am. I've
got a quiet taste myself."]

[Illustration: NATURAL RELIGION

_Bishop (reproving delinquent page)._ "Wretched boy! _Who_ is it that
sees and hears all we do, and before whom _even I_ am but as a crushed
worm?"

_Page._ "The missus, my lord!"]

[Illustration: "A FELLOW-FEELING MAKES US WONDROUS KIND."--"What! going
to leave us, James?"

"Yes, sir, I'm very sorry, sir, but I really can't put up with missus
any longer!"

"Ah, James! think how long _I_'ve put up with her!"]

[Illustration: "Yes, she's a nice girl; but I can't get on with her.
She has so little to say for herself."

"Oh, but _I_'ve been talking to her for the last hour, and she doesn't
interrupt. Now, that's what I think so charming!"]

[Illustration: IMPOSSIBLE!--_He (relating a thrilling experience),_ "If
I hadn't skipped to one side, I should have been run over! I assure you
I had a _very narrow_ escape!"

[Illustration: _She (having played a little thing for Bertram)._
"I hope you didn't hear the wrong note!" _Bertram (thinking to be
complimentary)._ "Which one?"]

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED
DIFFERENTLY.--(_Our semi-detached neighbours._) _Grace._ "And yet,
dear, how little we have seen of each other lately--considering there
is only a partition-wall between us!" _Emily._ "But then, dear, it is
such a comfort to feel that you are on the other side!"]

[Illustration: _Mistress (about to engage a new housemaid)._ "Have you
had any experience?" _Applicant._ "Oh yes, mum. I've been in _'undreds_
of sitiwations!"]

[Illustration: SOMETHING NEW.--_Young Ass._ "Aw--I'm bored to death
with life!" _She._ "Why don't you do something?" _Young Ass._
"Aw--there's nothing worth doing that I haven't tried." _She._ "Isn't
there? There _must_ be. _Try and think._"

[Illustration: BRIC À BRAC.--_Lady Croesus._ "Oh, what a sweet table!
Where did you get it, my dear? Oh, I see here's the man's card."
(_Spelling the label._) "'Table--Louis Quinze.' Louis Quinzey! What a
horrid name! and why hasn't he put his address?"]

[Illustration: _Mr. Boreham (who has already stayed over an hour and
talked about himself the whole time)._ "Yes, I'm sorry to say I'm a
martyr to insomnia. I've tried everything, but I cannot get sleep at
night!"

_His Hostess (sweetly)._ "Oh, but I can tell you a very simple remedy.
You should talk to yourself--after going to bed!"]

[Illustration: _Miss Withers (showing photograph of herself)._ "I'm
afraid it's rather faded."

_Binks (inexperienced, aged nineteen)._ "Yes, but it's just like you."]

[Illustration: IN THE PICTURE GALLERY OF THE EARLS OF LONGLINE.--_Sir
Peter Stodgely._--"Curious thing your family should all be took in
fancy dress! I s'pose they're all by the same man, eh?"]

[Illustration: OUR DOMESTICS.--"Listen Jack. I've put down 'kitchen and
scullery maids kept; only two in family; beer allowed; no dairy; extra
help when required.' Now, can you suggest any other inducement I can
offer?"

"_Well_--you might add 'charming scenery!'"]

[Illustration: "----BUT THOSE UNHEARD ARE SWEETER"

SCENE--_A Boarding-house._

_Wife._ "Why do you always sit at the piano, David? You know you can't
play a note!"

_David._ "Neither can anyone else, while I am here!"]

[Illustration: _Hostess._ "Please don't leave off, Miss Jessop."

_Miss J._ "But shan't I bore you? It is possible to have too much of a
good thing, you know."

_Hostess._ "Yes; but that doesn't apply to _your_ playing!"]

[Illustration: WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH OUR BOYS?--_Father._ "Now, Sir
William, I want Jack to go into business--his mother wants him to read
for the Bar. Jack's undecided. What do you advise?"

_Sir William Grubbe._ "You go into business, my boy. See what it's made
me!"

_Jack (emphatically)._ "Oh, Sir William, I've quite decided to take the
mater's advice."]




THE LOST CHANCE


[Illustration: "A PAGE DRAWING"]

_New Maidservant (much pleased with herself)._ A gentleman called to
see you, sir, and said as he were just leavin' town for some time.
Knowin' as you didn't want to be disturbed this morning, I told him as
you was _h_out--

_Master._ Quite right. (_To himself_) Sharp girl this!

_New Maid (cheerfully)_--and told him as I didn't know when you'd be
back again. 'Is card's in the 'all, sir. He 'ave wrote somethin' on it.

  [_She fetches it, returns, and presents it._

[Illustration: SNUBBING

_He._ "Sorry I forgot your party the other evening!"

_She._ "Oh, weren't you there?"]

_Master (reads writing on card, then suddenly springing up, exclaims)_
Oh--(_stops the escape of a very strong expletive_)--How long ago?

_New Maid (cheerfully)._ Oh, quite a _h_our. There was luggidge on the
cab.

_Master (subsiding hopelessly in chair, to Maid)._ You can go. (_Alone,
grinding his teeth._) Confound the idiot! (_Reads card muttering to
himself._) _Snooker Poole, Chork Cottage, Kew. "Called to repay coin
personally. Sorry to miss you. So long!_" I shall never see my hundred
and fifty again!... That's the worst of new servants!

  [_He is left considering whether it would not be as
  well to alter the form of his instructions to the
  hand-maiden. Scene closes._

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BOASTFULNESS OF BELINDA.--_Arabella (concluding the description of
the magnificence of her employer's home)._ And in the servants' 'all we
'as 'ot plovers' heggs ev'ry mornin' for brekfist.

_Belinda._ That's nothin'. At hour 'ouse hall the fires is laid with
reel sparrow-grass sticks instead of wood!

  [_Arabella dries up._

[Illustration: _Inexperienced and anxious Young Mistress._ "The new
housemaid, Maria, is a Roman Catholic but I hope you will not allow any
religious controversy in the servants' hall."

_Cook (with much dignity)._ "You needn't have any fear, my lady. In
really 'igh class families religion is _never_ mentioned!"]




SPRING-CLEANING HINTS

(_With acknowledgments to the "World and his Wife"_)


HOW TO MAKE OLD PICTURES LOOK NEW.

Many houses have pictures darkened with age which only need a little
drastic treatment to make them as fresh and bright as new oleographs.
The surface should first be soaked in a strong solution of hydrochloric
acid and then rubbed with an old nail-brush. Any paint that should
chance to be removed can easily be supplied by a local artist for a few
pence. We heard of a Sir Joshua Reynolds which was treated like this
the other day in its owner's absence, and on his return was mistaken by
him for a Christmas supplement.


TO REVIVE KID.

Give the kid a stiff brandy-and-soda.


A PRETTY USE FOR OLD BOOTS.

It is a mistake to throw away old boots as useless, or to waste them
on newly-married couples. A most charming effect can be obtained by
planting a fern in the heel and hanging the boot from the ceiling in
the window. Any kind of fern will do.

[Illustration: NO DOUBT OF IT.--_Daughter of the House._ "Here come
Mrs. Massington and her husband."

_Lady Smart._ "Ah, she's strong-minded, of course!"

_Daughter of the House._ "Can you tell that by just looking at her?"

_Lady Smart._ "No--by looking at him!"]


TO REMOVE STAINS ON THE CEILING.

The best thing to do is to re-whitewash the whole surface, which is
done by lying on one's back on the top of the bookshelves and dabbing
away steadily. But if the stain still shows through it is best to spill
water systematically on the floor of the room above until you have
stained the ceiling uniformly, leaving it a russet brown. After all,
why should ceilings be white?


TO REDDEN LOBSTER.

Take a saucepan of boiling water and plunge the lobster in. It will
emerge quite red and lovable.


TO RENOVATE BLACK LACE.

Wash in beer, beat between the folds of a linen cloth, and, when nearly
dry, iron with a cool (not cold) iron. It is not advisable to drink the
beer unless you are very thirsty. Good housewives find a way of getting
it back into the kitchen cask.

[Illustration: RESOURCE!--_Young Mr. Softly._ "Er--Miss Ethel, there is
something I--er--particularly want to say to you. Er--when could I have
a minute with you alone?"

_Miss Ethel._ "Oh, that's all right! Something from Wagner, please,
Lucy! Now, Mr. Softly!"]

TO REMOVE INK STAINS FROM THE FINGERS.

Fill your mouth with spirits of salt and then suck the fingers
thoroughly.


TO REMOVE STAINED PATCHES FROM THE WALL PAPER.

This cannot be done. The only things to do are (_a_) re-paper entirely,
or (_b_) re-arrange the furniture to hide the places.


TO REVIVE OSTRICH FEATHERS.

Soak the feathers in the best Australian wine (Emu brand), and then
bury them up to the hilt in the sand. If the feathers still remain
unconscious apply a hot-water bottle.


TO EXTRICATE MOTH FROM FUR.

Stimulate the moths by smelling-salts, and when they begin to show
signs of activity remove the furs into a dark room lit by several
strong wax candles. The moths will immediately quit the furs and rush
into the flames of the candles.

[Illustration: _Son of the House._ "Won't you sing something, Miss
Muriel?"

_Miss M._ "Oh, I daren't after such good music as we have been
listening to."

_Son of the House._ "But I'd rather listen to _your_ singing than to
any amount of good music!"]

TO REMOVE MARMALADE FROM VELVET.

Immerse in a lather of white soap in hot water, and, after rinsing and
dabbing firmly for five minutes, apply benzoline with a nutmeg-grater.
If the marmalade then refuses to go, send for the police.


HOW TO LIGHT A FIRE WITH CELLULOID COLLARS.

Heat the collar over a gas jet until it begins to crack, then apply a
fusee and thrust the collar between the bars of the grate.


THE AMENDE HONOURABLE

    Quoth Will, "On that young servant-maid
      My heart its life-string stakes."
    "Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid--
      She pays for all she breaks."


A "TIMES" QUERY ANSWERED

    Say, "_Who controls Policeman X?_"
                    Why, look'ee,
    He--so devoted to the sex,
            And ever wary
            Near an "airy"--
    Is oft controlled by "Cooky."

[Illustration: TRUE HUMILITY

_Right Reverend Host._ "I'm afraid you've got a bad egg, Mr. Jones!"

_The Curate._ "On no, my lord, I assure you! Parts of it are
excellent!"]


CRUCIAL QUESTIONS

_For both sexes at various ages_


AT FIVE.

_She._ Will my new doll open and shut her eyes?

_He._ Off to a party! Will they have mince-pies?


AT TEN.

_She._ Will pretty Master Smith be there this time?

_He._ Will Uncle take me to the pantomime?

_She._ Will Mamma let me wear my hair in curl?

_He._ I say, how many l's are there in "girl"?


AT FIFTEEN.

_She._ Will he give me or Fan the first round dance?

_He._ Will our chaps at the wickets have a chance?

_She._ Will my next dress be made with longer skirts.

_He._ Hoisted? O crikey! Wonder if it hurts?

_She._ Did that sly Fanny hear him call me "dear"?

_He._ I wonder if this "weed" will turn me queer?

[Illustration: _Employer (to applicant for situation)._ "And then I am
very particular about my cellars; you understand wine, I presume?"

_Butler._ "Hin my last sitiwation, sir, I was considered a very
tolerable judge o' wine, sir."]


AT TWENTY.

_She._ Will Papa think dear Percy's "screw" too small?

_He._ Does this moustache mean to come on at all?

_She._ Was it my eyes with which he seemed so struck?

_He._ Is it a "pass," I wonder, or a "pluck"?

_She._ I wonder whether _He_ will "pop" tonight?

_He._ I wonder whether _She_ will answer right?


AT TWENTY-FIVE.

_She._ Shall I, oh shall I, have a chance this season?

_He._ A stiffish total! Will there be a breeze on?

_She._ Quite pale! Shall I put on the _tiniest_ touch?

_He._ Most brilliant! Wonder if she rouges much?

_She._ Not a bad figure! Has he any tin?

_He._ Backed "Slowboy" for a pot! D'ye think he'll win?

_She._ Long dress bill! Shall I get into hot water?

_He._ Can I stave off old Snip another quarter?


[Illustration: _Hostess._ "Don't you sing, Mr. Binks?"

_Binks._ "No--er--I--hum--er----"

_Hostess._ "Oh, I'm afraid you wouldn't be heard in this large room.
Thanks, so much!"

  [_Terrible disappointment of Binks, who was simply dying to recite
  "Tam o' Shanter."_
]

AT THIRTY.

_She._ Will the new curate be engaged or not?

_He._ Close thing! Shall I have nerve to make the shot?

_She._ Is flirting _really_ now a sort of sinning?

_He._ Is my neat middle parting _really_ thinning?

_She._ Now shall I get a partner for this dance?

_He._ Old Boodles leaving! Shall _I_ have a chance?

_She._ Engaged at last! Now _will_ he keep a carriage?

_He._ That's done! How shall I like the yoke of marriage?

[Illustration: A SERIOUS CASE.--_Cook (reading from daily paper)._
"Last night's official statement shows that there are fifty thousand
cases of influenza in the metropolis."

_Nervous Parlourmaid._ "Oh, Mary! And how many are there in a case?"]

AT FORTY.

_She._ When _will_ the major come up to the scratch?

_He._ Fat, _plain_ and forty! Shall I risk the match?

_She._ Is that a tinge of red about my nose?

_He._ Does the grey show--unless one looks too close?

_She._ Could I get on those "sixes" at a pinch?

_He._ Must I allow the vest another inch?

_She._ Did Lady Linda mean that as a snub?

_He._ Will they blackball me at the Buffers' Club?

_She._ Is the dear fellow right about confession?

_He._ How stands my chance if they dissolve this session.


AT FIFTY.

_She._ Will Flora hook the wealthy cotton-spinner?

_He._ Must I drop drinking port wine after dinner?

_She._ Not meet! Great Heavens! Am I getting _stout_?

_He._ By Jingo, was that twinge a touch of gout?

_She._ _Did_ he mean anything by that warm glance?

_He._ Shall I have "go" to get through this round dance?

_She._ Will it be Brighton or the Continent?

_He._ My dear, _can_ that last cheque be wholly spent?

[Illustration: _Violinist (one of trio of amateurs who have just
obliged with rather lengthy performance)._ "Well, we've left off at
last!"

_Hostess._ "Thank you so much!"]


AT SIXTY.

_She._ Will Lady Jane before those Jones's bow?

_He._ Shall I, I wonder, get my knighthood now?

_She._ Doctor, dear doctor, what _does_ ail my back?

_He._ Will Lord Fitz-Faddle give that berth to Jack?

_She._ Is Nelly really sweet on _that_ young Brown?

_He._ Are Costa Ricas going up or down?

_She._ He seemed so sparkish! Is it _quite_ too late?

_He._ Dull, this! _Am_ I too old a bird to mate?


[Illustration: _Smithson (the celebrated poet, novelist, playwright,
&c.)._ "But, my dear young lady, I really don't understand you. I
haven't been winning any ping-pong tournament. I don't play."

_Miss Brown._ "Oh, but _surely_ I heard our hostess say you were '_the_
Mr. Smithson!'"]

       *       *       *       *       *

OUTRAGE ON GOLDSMITH

(_By a sleepy housemaid, concerning missus_)

    She rings us up at 7, till 10 she lies--
    "More bent to raise the wretched, than to rise."

[Illustration: NEW YEAR'S FETE AND GALA.--"Well, Jane, did you have a
good time at home? Was the village very gay?"

"Yes, thank you, mum. But we was rather disappointed, as the
policemen's feet didn't come off!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

CUTTING!--_Host._ "What bin did you put that Marsala in, Muggles?"

_New Butler._ "In the--ah--dust-bin, sir!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

SOCIAL GARDENING.--Cultivating an acquaintance.

       *       *       *       *       *

_Q._ What's the difference between a fraudulent Bank Director and a
Servants' Registry Office?

_A._ The former cooks books, the latter books cooks.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SUBLIME.--The fashions of this season.

THE RIDICULOUS.--The fashions of last season.

       *       *       *       *       *

MUFFS AND MARQUISATES

    Lord M's a muff; but shrewd mammas determine
    Muffs _have_ a value when they're trimmed with ermine!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST FRENCH EXERCISES FOR GIRLS.--A series of practical studies in
cookery _à la Française_.

[Illustration: _Mistress._ "Well now, what can you cook?"

_Applicant._ "Oh, I can cook any-think, mum."

_Mistress._ "What about _entrées_?"

_Applicant._ "Yes, I can do _ontrays_, mum."

_Mistress._ "Can you do a _vol-au-vent_?"

_Applicant (doubtfully)._ "Well, mum, in my last place there _was_ once
some _talk_ about a _vollervong_, but it fell through."]

       *       *       *       *       *

CLERICAL ÆSTHETICS.--_Fair Parishioner._ "And do you like the pulpit,
Mr. Auriol?"

_The New Curate._ "I do not. Er--it hides too much of the figure, and I
like every shake of the surplice to tell!"

  [Illustration: FINIS]

  BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.

       *       *       *       *       *

Transcriber's Notes

Typographical errors have been silently corrected.

Variations in spelling, hyphenation and accents are as in the original.

Italics are shown thus _italic_.





End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch At Home, by Various

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