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THE STRANGE ADVENTURES

OF

CAPTAIN DANGEROUS:

          WHO WAS A SOLDIER, A SAILOR, A MERCHANT, A SPY, A SLAVE
          AMONG THE MOORS, A BASHAW IN THE SERVICE
          OF THE GRAND TURK,

          AND

          =Died at last in his own House in Hanover Square.=

          A NARRATIVE IN OLD-FASHIONED ENGLISH.

          ATTEMPTED BY
          GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA.


          IN THREE VOLUMES.

          VOL. III.


          LONDON:
          TINSLEY BROTHERS, 18, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND.
          1863.

          [_The right of Translation is reserved._]




          LONDON:
          SAVILL AND EDWARDS, PRINTERS, CHANDOS STREET,
          COVENT GARDEN.




CONTENTS OF VOL. III.


  CHAPTER THE FIRST.                                         PAGE
    I SEE MUCH OF THE INSIDE OF THE WORLD, AND THEN GO
      RIGHT ROUND IT                                            1

  CHAPTER THE SECOND.
    MERCATOR, HIS PROJECTION, AND WHAT CAME OF IT              44

  CHAPTER THE THIRD.
    THE CONTINUATION OF MY VOYAGE UNTIL MY RETURN AGAIN TO
      EUROPE                                                   71

  CHAPTER THE FOURTH.
    OF THE SINGULAR MISFORTUNES WHICH BEFELL ME IN HOLLAND    115

  CHAPTER THE FIFTH.
    OF A STRANGE AND HORRIBLE ADVENTURE I HAD IN PARIS,
      WHICH WAS NEARLY MY UNDOING                             154

  CHAPTER THE SIXTH.
    OF MY SECRET EMPLOYMENT IN THE SERVICE OF THE
      CARDINAL DE ----                                        181

  CHAPTER THE SEVENTH.
    I FALL INTO THE HANDS OF RECREANT PAYNIMS, AND AM
      REDUCED TO A STATE OF MISERABLE SLAVERY                 196

  CHAPTER THE EIGHTH.
    AFTER MANY SURPRISING VICISSITUDES, J. DANGEROUS
      BECOMES BESTUSCHID BASHAW                               230

  CHAPTER THE NINTH AND LAST.
    OF MY SERVICE UNDER THE GREAT TURK AS A BASHAW; OF
      MY ADVENTURES IN RUSSIA AND OTHER COUNTRIES; AND
      OF MY COMING HOME AT LAST AND BUYING MY GRANDMOTHER'S
      HOUSE (WHICH IS NOW MINE) IN HANOVER SQUARE.            272


       *       *       *       *       *





THE STRANGE ADVENTURES

OF

CAPTAIN DANGEROUS.

=A Narrative in Old fashioned English.=




CHAPTER THE FIRST.

I SEE MUCH OF THE INSIDE OF THE WORLD, AND THEN GO RIGHT ROUND IT.


1748. I was not yet Forty years of age, Hale and Stout, Comely
enough,--so said Mistress Prue and many other damsels,--with a Military
Education, an approved reputation for Valour, and very little else
besides. A gentleman at large, with a purse well-nigh as slender as an
ell-wand, and as wobegone as a dried eel-skin. But I was never one that
wanted many Superfluities; and having no Friends in the world, was of a
most Contented Disposition.

Some trouble, indeed, must I have with that luckless Mistress Prue, the
Waiting-Maid--sure, I did the girl no Harm, beyond whispering a little
soft nonsense in her ear now and then. But she must needs have a
succession of Hysterical Fits after my departure from the Tower, and
write me many scores of Letters couched in the most Lamentable
Rigmarole, threatening to throw herself into Rosamond's Pond in St.
James's Park (then a favourite Drowning-Place for Disconsolate Lovers),
with many other nonsensical Menaces. But I was firm to my Determination
to do her no harm, and therefore carefully abstained from answering any
of her letters. She did not break her heart; but (being resolved to wed
one that wore the King's cloth) she married Miles Bandolier about three
months after my Departure, and broke his head, ere the Honeymoon was
over, with a Bed-staff. A most frivolous Quean this, and I well rid of
her.

Coming out of the Tower, I took lodgings for a season in Great Ryder
Street, St. James's, and set up for a Person of Pleasure. There were
many Military Officers of my Acquaintance who honoured me with their
company over a Bottle, for even as a Tower Warder I had been a kind of a
Gentleman, and there was no treating me as one of base Degree. They
laughed somewhat at my Brevet rank of Captain, and sometimes twitted me
as to what Regiment I was in; but I let them laugh, so long as they did
not go too far, when I would most assuredly have shown them, by the
length of my Blade, not only what Regiment I belonged to, but what
Mettle I was of. By favour of some of my Martial Friends, I was
introduced to a favourite Coffee-House, the "Ramilies," in Jermyn Street
('tis Slaughter's, in St. Martin's Lane, now, that the Soldier-Officers
do most use); and there we had many a pleasant Carouse, and, moreover,
many a good game at cards; at the which, thanks to the tuition of Mr.
Hodge, when I was in Mr. Pinchin's service, I was a passable adept,
being able to hold my own and More, in almost every Game that is to be
found in Hoyle. And so our card-playing did result, not only to mutual
pleasure, but to my especial Profit; for I was very lucky. But I declare
that I always played fair; and if any man doubted the strict probity of
my proceeding, there was then, as there is now, my Sword to vindicate my
Honour.

'Tis ill-living, however, on Gambling. Somehow or another the Money you
win at Cards--I would never touch Dice, which are too chancy, liable to
be Sophisticated, and, besides, sure to lead to Brawling, Stabbing, and
cracking of Crowns--this Money, gotten over Old Nick's back, I say,
never seems to do a Man any Good. 'Tis light come, and light go; and the
Store of Gold Pieces that glitter so bravely when you sweep them off the
green cloth seems, in a couple of days afterwards, to have turned to dry
leaves, like the Magician's in the Fairy Tale. Excepting Major Panton,
who built the Street and the Square which bear his name out of One
Night's Profit at the Pharoah table, can you tell me of one habitual
Gambler who has been able to realise anything substantial out of his
Winnings? No, no; a Hand at Cards is all very well, and 'tis pleasant to
win enough to pay one's Reckoning, give a Supper to the Loser, and have
a Frisk upon Town afterwards; but I do abhor your steady, systematic
Gamblers, with their restless eyes, quivering lips, hair bristling under
their wigs, and twitching fingers, as they watch the Game. Of course,
when Cards are played, you must play for Money. As to playing for Love,
I would as soon play for nutshells or cheese-parings. But the whole
business is too feverish and exciting for a Man of warm temperament.
'Tis killing work when your Bed and Raiment, your Dinner and your Flask,
depend on the turn up of a card. And so I very speedily abandoned this
line of life.

'Twas necessary, nevertheless, for something to be done to bring Grist
to the Mill. About this time it was a very common practice for Great
Noblemen--notably those who were in any way addicted to pleasure, and
ours was a mighty Gay Nobility thirty or forty years since--to entertain
Men of Honour, Daring, and Ability, cunning in the use of their Swords,
and exceedingly discreet in their conversations, to attend them upon
their private affairs, and render to them Services of a kind that
required Secrecy as well as Courage. One or two Duels in Hyde Park and
behind Montagu House, in which I had the honour to be concerned as
Second,--and in one of which I engaged the Second of my Patron's
Adversary, and succeeded, by two dexterous side slices, in Quincing his
face as neatly as a housewife would slice Fruit for a Devonshire Squab
Pie,--gained me the notice of some of the Highest Nobility, to whom I
was otherwise recommended by the easiness of my Manners, and the amenity
of my Language. The young Earl of Modesley did in particular affect me,
and I was of Service to his Lordship on many most momentous and delicate
Occasions. For upwards of Six Months I was sumptuously entertained in
his Lordship's Mansion in Red Lion Square;--a Kind of Hospitality,
indeed, which he was most profuse in the dispensation of:--there being
at the same time in the House a French Dancing-Master, an Italian
Singer, a Newmarket Horse-Jockey, and a Domestic Chaplain, that had been
unfrocked for too much fighting of Cocks and drinking of Cider with
clowns at his Vicarage; but to whom the Earl of Modesley was always a
fast friend. Unfortunate Young Nobleman! He died of a malignant Fever at
Avignon, just before attaining his Thirtieth Year! His intentions
towards me were of the most Bounteous Description; and he even, being
pleased to say that I was a good-looking Fellow enough, and come to an
Age when it behoved me to be settled in Life, proposed that I should
enter in the bonds of Wedlock with one Miss Jenny Lightfoot, that had
formerly been a Milliner in Liquorpond Street, but who, when his
Lordship introduced me to her, lived in most splendid Lodgings under the
Piazza, Covent Garden, and gave the handsomest Chocolate Parties to the
Young Nobility that ever were seen. So Boundless was his Lordship's
generosity that he offered to bestow a portion of Five Hundred Pounds on
Miss Lightfoot if she would become Madame Dangerous--said portion to be
at my absolute disposal--and to give me besides a long Lease at a
Peppercorn Rent of a Farm of his in Wiltshire. The Match, however, came
to nothing. I was not yet disposed to surrender my Liberty; and, indeed,
the Behaviour of Miss Lightfoot, while the Treaty of Alliance between us
was being discussed, did not augur very favourably for our felicity in
the Matrimonial State. Indeed, she was pleased to call me Rogue,
Gambler, Bully, Led Captain, and many other uncivil names. She snapped
off the silver hilt of my dress-sword (presented to me after I had
fought the Second in Hyde Park), and obstinately refused to restore that
gewgaw to me, telling me that she had given it to her Landlady (one
Mother Bishopsbib, a monstrous Fat Woman, that was afterwards Carted,
and stood in the Pillory in Spring Gardens, for evil practices) in part
payment for rent-owing. Moreover, she wilfully spoilt my best periwig by
overturning a Chocolate Mill thereupon; and otherwise so misconducted
herself that I bade her a respectful Farewell,--she leaving the marks of
her Nails on my face as a parting Gift,--and told my Lord Modesley that
I would as lief wed a Roaring Dragon as this Termagant of the Piazza.
This Refusal brought about a Rupture between myself and my Lord. He was
imprudent enough to talk about my Ingratitude, to tell me that the very
coat on my back was bought and paid for with his Money, and to threaten
to have me kicked out of doors by two of his Tall Lacqueys. But I
speedily let him have a piece of my Mind. "My Lord," says I, going up to
him, and thrusting my face full in his, "you will be pleased to know
that I am a Gentleman, whose ancestors were ennobled centuries before
your rascally grandfather got his peerage for turning against the true
King."

He began to murmur something (as many have done before when my blood
was up, and I have mentioned Royalty) about my being "a Jacobite."

"I'll Jacobite your jacket for you, you Jackadandy!" I retorted. "You
have most foully insulted me. I know your Lordship's ways well. If I
sent you a cartel, you and your whippersnapper Friends would sneer at
it, because I am poor, and fling Led Captain in my teeth. You won't
fight with a poor Gentleman of the Sword. I am too much of a Man of
Honour to waylay you at night, and give you the private Stab, as you
deserve; but so sure as you are your father's son, if you don't make me
this instant a Handsome Apology, I will cudgel you till there is not a
whole bone in your body."

The young Ruffian--he was not such a coward as Squire Pinchin, but
rather murderous--makes no more do, but draws upon me. I caught up a
quarter-staff that lay handy (for we were always exercising ourselves at
athletic amusements), struck the weapon from his grasp, and hit him a
sounding thwack across the shins that brought him down upon his
marrow-bones.

"Below the Belt!" he cries out, holding up his hands. "Foul! foul!"

"Foul be hanged!" I answered. "I'm not going to fight, but to Beat You;"
and I rushed upon him, shortening the Staff, and would have belaboured
him Soundly, but that he saw it was no use contending against John
Dangerous, and very humbly craved a parley. He Apologised as I had
Demanded, and lent me Twenty Guineas, and we parted on the most friendly
terms.

This Lord essayed, notwithstanding, to do me much harm in Town, saying
that I had used him with black Cruelty, had re-requited his many favours
with gross Treachery, and the like Falsehoods, until I was obliged to
send him a Message to this purport: that unless he desisted, I should be
obliged to keep my promise as to the Cudgel. Upon which he presently
surceased. So much meanness had he, even, as to fudge up a pretended
debt of nineteen guineas against me as for money lent, for the which I
was arrested by bailiffs and conveyed--being taken at Jonathan's--to a
vile spunging-house in Little Bell Alley, Moorfields; but the keeper of
the House stood my friend, and procured a Bail for me in the shape of an
Honest Gentleman, who was to be seen every day about Westminster Hall
with a straw in his shoe, and for a crown and a dinner at the
eating-house would suddenly become worth five hundred a year, or at
least swear himself black in the face that such was his estate:--which
was all that was required. And when it came to justifying of Bail before
the Judges, what so easy as to hire a suit of clothes in Monmouth
Street, and send him into court fully equipped as a reputable gentleman?
However, there was no occasion for this, for on the very night of my
enlargement I won fifty guineas at the tables; and walking very Bold to
my Lord's House, sends up the nineteen guineas to my Lord with a note,
asking to what lawyer I should pay the cost of suit, and whether I
should wait upon him at his Levee for a receipt. On the which he, still
with the fear of a cudgelling before his eyes, sends me down a Receipt
in Full, _and the Money back to boot_, begging me to trouble myself in
no way about the lawyer; which, I promise you, I did not. And so an end
of this troublesome acquaintance,--a profitable one enough to me while
it lasted. As for Miss Jenny, her Behaviour soon became as light as her
name. I have heard that she got into trouble about a Spanish Merchant
that was flung down stairs and nigh killed, and that but for the Favour
of Justice Cogwell, who had a hankering for her, 'twould have been a
Court-Job. Afterwards I learnt that she had been seen beating Hemp in
Bridewell in a satin sack laced with silver; and I warrant that she was
fain to cry, "Knock! oh, good Sir Robert, knock!" many a time before the
Blue-coated Beadles on court day had done swingeing of her.

There are certain periods in the life even of the most fortunate man
when his Luck is at a desperately low ebb,--when everything seems to go
amiss with him,--when nothing that he can turn his hand to prospers,--when
friends desert him, and the companions of his sunshiny days chide him
for not having made better use of his opportunities,--when, Do what he
will, he cannot avert the Black Storm,--when Ruin seems impending, and
Catastrophe is on the cards,--when he is Down, in a word, and the
despiteful are getting ready to gibe at him in his Misfortune, and to
administer unto him the last Kick. These times of Trial and Bitter
Travail ofttimes strike one who has just attained Middle age,--the
Halfway-House of Life; and then, 'tis the merest chance in the world
whether he will be enabled to pick himself up again, or be condemned for
evermore to poverty and contumely,--to the portion of weeds and out-worn
faces. I do confess that about this period of my career things went very
badly with me, and that I was grievously hard-driven, not alone to make
both ends meet, but to discover anything that could have its ending in a
Meal of Victuals. I have heard that some of the greatest Prelates,
Statesmen, Painters, Captains, and Merchants--I speak not of Poets, for
it is their eternal portion, seemingly, to be born, to live, and to Die
Poor--have suffered the like straits at some time or another of their
lives. Many times, however, have I put it on record in these pages, that
Despair and I were never Bedfellows. As for Suicide, I do condemn it,
and abhor it utterly, as the most cowardly, Dishonest, and unworthy
Method to which a Man can resort that he may rid himself of his
Difficulties. To make a loathsome unhandsome corpse of yourself, and
deny yourself Christian Burial, nay, run the risk of crowner's quest,
and interment at the meeting of four cross-roads with a Stake driven
through your Heart. Oh, 'tis shameful! Hang yourself, forsooth! why
should you spend money in threepenny cord, when Jack Ketch, if you
deserve it, will hang you for nothing, and the County find the rope?
Take poison! why, you are squeamish at accepting physic from the doctor,
which may possibly do you good. Why, then, should you swallow a vile
mess which you are _certain_ must do you harm? Fall upon your sword, as
Tully--I mean Brutus--or some of those old Romans, were wont to do when
the Game was up! In the first place, I should like to see the man,
howsoever expert a fencer, who could so tumble on his own blade and kill
himself. 'Tis easier to swallow a sword than to fall upon one, and the
first is quite as much a Mountebank's Trick as t'other. Blow your brains
out! A mighty fine climax truly, to make a Horrible Mess all over the
floor, and frighten the neighbours out of their wits, besides, as a
waggish friend of mine has it, rendering yourself stone-deaf for life.
If it comes to powder and ball, why, a Man of courage would much sooner
blow out somebody else's Brains instead of his own.

I did not, I am thankful to say, want Bread during this my time of ill
luck; and I never parted with my sword; but sure it is that Jack
Dangerous was woundily pushed, and had to adopt many extraordinary
shifts for a livelihood. _Item:_ I engaged myself to one Mr. O'Teague,
an Irishman, that had been a pupil of the famous Mr. Figg, Master of the
Noble Art of Self-Defence, at his Theatre of Arms, on the right hand
side of the Oxford Road, near Adam and Eve Court. Mr. Figg was, as is
well known, the very Atlas of the Sword; and Mr. O'Teague's body was a
very Mass of Scars and Cicatrices gotten in hand-to-hand conflicts with
the broadsword on the public stage. He had once presumed to rival Mr.
Figg, whence arose a cant saying of the time, "A fig for the Irish;" but
having been honourably vanquished by him, even to the slicing of his
nose in two pieces, the cracking of his crown in sundry places, and the
scoring of his body as though it had been a Loin of Pork for the
Bakehouse, he was taken into his service, and became a principal figure
in all the grand gladiatorial encounters, at wages of forty shillings a
week and his meat. As for Mr. Figg himself, who was as good at backsword
as at broadsword, at quarter-staff as at foil, and at fisticuffs as any
one of them,--to say nothing of his Cornish wrestling,--I saw him once,
and shall never forget him. There was a Majesty blazed in his
countenance and shone in all his actions beyond all I ever beheld. His
right leg bold and firm; and his Left, which could hardly ever be
disturbed, gave him the surprising advantages he so often proved, and
struck his Adversary with Despair and Panic. He had that peculiar way of
stepping in, in a Parry, which belongs to the Grand School alone; he
knew his arm, and its just time of moving; put a firm faith in that, and
never let his foe escape a parry. He was just as much as great a master
as any I ever saw, as he was a greater judge of time and Measure. It was
his method, when he fought in his Amphitheatre, to send round to a
select number of his scholars to borrow a shirt for the ensuing combat,
and seldom failed of half-a-dozen of superfine Holland from his prime
Pupils. Most of the young Nobility and Gentry made it a part of their
education to march under his warlike banner. Most of his Scholars were
at every battle, and were sure to exult at their great master's
victories; every person supposing he saw the wounds his shirt received.
Then Mr. Figg would take an opportunity to inform his Lenders of the
charm their Linen had received, with an offer to send the garments home;
but he seldom received any other answer than "Hang you, keep it." A most
ingenious and courageous person, and immeasurably beyond all his
competitors, such as O'Teague, Will Holmes, Felix Maguire, Broughton,
Sutton, and the like.

Many good bouts with all kinds of weapons did we have at Mr. O'Teague's
theatre, which was down a Stable-yard behind Newport Market, not far
from Orator Henley's chapel. The shirt manoeuvre we tried over and
over again with varying success; but we found it in the end impossible
to preserve order among our Patrons, the greater part of whom were
Butchers; and I am fain to admit that many of these unctuous sky-blue
jerkins could fight as well as we. Then Mr. O'Teague was much given to
drinking, and in his potations quarrelsome. 'Twas all very well
fighting on a stage for profit, and with the chance of applause, a clean
shirt, and perchance a Right Good Supper given to us by our admirers
afterwards at some neighbouring Tavern; but I never could see the humour
of Swashbuckling for nothing, and without occasion; and as my Employer
was somewhat too prompt to call in cold iron when his Head was so Hot, I
shook hands with him, and bade him find another assistant. This was the
Mr. O'Teague that was afterwards so unfortunate as to be hanged at
Tyburn for devalising a gentleman at Roehampton. Great interest was made
to save him, his very prosecutor (who knew not at the first his
assailant, or that he had been driven to the road by hard times) heading
the signatures to a petition for him. But 'twas all in vain. He made a
beautiful end of it in a fine white nightcap fringed; and his funeral
was attended by some of the most eminent swordsmen in town, who had a
gallant set-to afterwards for the benefit of his widow. 'Tis sad to
think of the numbers of brave men that I have known, and how many of
them are Hanged.

About this time I was much with the Players, but misliked them
exceedingly; and although numbers of brilliant offers were made to me, I
could not be persuaded to try the sock and buskin. Hard as were the
names by which my enemies would sometimes call me, I could never abide
that of Rogue and Vagabond, and such, by Act of Parliament, was the
player at that time. No, I said, whatever straits I am driven to, I will
be a Soldier of Fortune, and Captain Dangerous to the last.

Of my Adventure with Madam Taffetas the Widow, I am not disposed to say
much. Indeed, until my being finally settled, and made the Happiest Man
upon earth by my union with the departed Saint who was the mother of my
Lilias, it must be admitted that my commerce with the Sex was mostly of
the unluckiest description. I have been used most shamefully by women;
but it behoves me not to complain, seeing how much felicity I was
permitted to enjoy in my latter days. This much, however, I will
discreetly set down. That meeting Madam Taffetas in a side box at Drury
Lane play-house, She was pleased to accept my Addresses, and to inform
me that my conversation was in the highest degree tasteful to her. I
entertained her very handsomely--indeed much beyond my means, for I was
very heavily in debt for necessaries, and I could scarcely walk the
streets without apprehensions of the grim Sergeant with his capias.
Madam Taffetas was an exceedingly comely person, amazingly well dressed,
and, as I was given to understand, in very prosperous circumstances. She
kept an Italian Warehouse by the Sign of The two Olive Posts, in the
broad part of the Strand, almost opposite to Exeter Change, and sold all
sorts of Italian Silks, Lustrings, Satins, Paduasoys, Velvets, Damasks,
Fans, Leghorn Hats, Flowers, Violin Strings, Books of Essences, Venice
Treacle, Balsams, Florence Cordials, Oil, Olives, Anchovies, Capers,
Vermicelli, Bologna Sausages, Parmesan Cheese, Naples Soap, and similar
delicate cates from foreign parts. All her friends put her down as a
forty-thousand-pounder. In Brief, she professed to be satisfied with my
gentility and Ancient Lineage, though worldly goods I had none to offer
her. All congratulated me on my Good Fortune; and not wanting to make
any unnecessary bustle about the affair, we took coach one fine Monday
morning down to Fleet Market, and were married by a Fleet parson--none
other, indeed, than my old friend Chaplain Hodge, who had taken to this
way of life and found it very profitable, marrying his twenty or thirty
couple a week, when Business was brisk, at fees varying from five
guineas to seven-and-sixpence, and from a dozen of Burgundy to half a
pint of Geneva. But 'twas a rascally business, the venerable man said,
and he sorely longed for the good old days when he, and I, and Squire
Pinchin, made the Grand Tour together. Alas, for that poor little man!
His Reverence told me that he had gone from bad to worse; that his Mamma
had married a knavish lawyer, who so bewildered Mr. Pinchin with
Mortgages, and Deeds of Gift, and Loans at usurious interest, that he
got at last the whole of his property from him, brought him in many
thousands in debt besides, and, after keeping him for three years locked
up and half-starved in the Compter, was only forced to consent to his
enlargement when the unhappy little man--whose head was never of the
strongest, and his wits always going a wool-gathering--went
stark-staring mad, and was, by the City charity, removed to Bedlam
Hospital in Moorfields. There he raved for a time, imagining himself to
be the Pope of Rome, with a paper-cap for a tiara, an ell-wand for a
crosier, a blanket for a rochet, and bestowing his blessings on the
other Maniacs with much force and vehemence; and there, poor demented
creature, he died in the year 1740.

Much better would it have been for me, had I gone straight off my Head
and had been sent to howl in Bedlam, than that I should have married
that same thievish catamaran, Madam Taffetas. Surely never Madman
deserved a Dark House and a Whip more than I did for that most foolishly
contracted union. I defy Calumny to prove that I ever used anything
approaching false Representations in this matter. I told her plainly
that my Hand, Sword, and Deep Devotion were all I had to offer, and that
for mere vile pounds, shillings, and pence, and other Mercantile
Arrangements, I must look to her. Absolutely I borrowed ten pieces,
although I was then at a very Low Ebb, to defray the expenses of the
wedding Treat, which was done most handsomely at the Bible and Crown, in
Pope's Head Alley, Cornhill. "Now then," I said to myself, as we came
home towards the Strand (for we were resolved to have no foolish
honeymooning in the Country, but to remain in town and keep an eye to
Business)--"now then, Jack Dangerous, thou art at last Married and
Settled, and need trouble thyself no more about the cares and anxieties
of money-grubbing and bread-getting. Thou art tiled-in handsomely, Jack;
thatched and fenced, and girt about with Comfort and Respectability.
Thy hat is on, and thy house is covered." Alas, poor fool! alas, triply
distilled zany and egregiously doting idiot! No sooner did a Hackney
coach set us down at the Leghorn Warehouse in the broad part of the
Strand, than we found Margery the maid and Tom the shopboy in a great
confusion of tears on the threshold; and immediately afterwards we heard
that during our absence to get married, Bailiffs had made their
entrance, and seized all the Merchandise for a bill owing by Madam
Taffetas to her Factor of Seven Hundred Pounds. The false Quean that I
was wedded to was hopelessly bankrupt, and with the greatest impudence
in the world she calls upon me to pay the Money; the Bailiffs adding,
with a grin, that to their knowledge she owed much more than their
Execution stood for, and that no doubt, so soon as it was bruited abroad
that I was her Husband, the Sheriff of Middlesex would have something to
say to me in the way of a capias against my person. In vain did I Rave
and Swear, and endeavour to show that I could in no way be held liable
for Debts which I had never contracted. Such, I was told, was the Law;
and such it remains to this day, to the Great Scandal of justice, and
the detriment of Gentlemen cavalieros who may be entrapped into marrying
vulgar Adventuresses whom they deem Gentlewomen of Property, and who
turn out instead to be not worth two-pence-halfpenny in the world. Nor
were words wanting to add dire Insult to this astounding Injury; for
Madam Taffetas, now Dangerous, as I groaningly remembered, must needs
call me Mercenary Rascal, Shuffling Pickthank, Low-minded
Fortune-hunter, and the like unkind names.

Madam Dangerous indeed! But I am thankful to Providence that the title
she assumed very soon fell away from her, and that I was once more left
free and Independent. For whilst we were in the very midst of Hot
Dispute and violent Recrimination comes a great noise at the door as
though some one were striving to Batter it down. And then Margery the
maid and Tom the shop-lad began to howl and yelp again, crying out
Murder and thieves, and that they were undone, the Bailiffs smoking
their Pipes and drinking their Beer meanwhile, as though they enjoyed
the Humours of the Scene hugely, and my wicked wife now pretending to
faint, and now making at me with the avowed Design of tearing my eyes
out. Presently comes lurching and staggering into the room a Great
Hulking Brute of a Man that was attired like a Sea Captain; and this
Roystering Tarpaulin makes up without more ado to my Precious Partner,
gives her two sounding Busses on either side of her cheeks, and salutes
her as his wife.

"Your wife!" I cried, starting up; "why, she's my wife! I married her
this very morning, and to my sorrow, before Parson Hodge, the
Couple-Beggar, at the Fleet."

"That may be, Brother," answers the Sea Captain, with drunken gravity;
"but she's my wife, for all that. You married her this morning, you say.
I married her five years ago, at Horsleydown, and in the Parish church.
I've got the 'Stifficate to prove it; and though I say it that
shouldn't, there's not a Finer woman, with a neater ankle and such a
Devil of a temper, to be found 'twixt Beachy Head and Cape Horn."

"A fig for both of you," bellows Madam Taffetas, who had gone into one
of her Sham Faints in the arm-chair, but was now conveniently recovered
again. "If I'm married to both of you--to you, you pitiless Grampus"
(this was to the Sea Captain), "and to you, Ruffian, Bully, and
Stabster" (this was to _me_), "I'm married to somebody else, and my real
Husband is a Gentleman, who, if he were here, would quoit the pair of
you into the street from Exeter Change to the Fox under the Hill."

She said this in one Scream, and then Fainted, or pretended to Faint
again.

"Brother," said the Sea Captain to me, staggering a little (for he
confessed to having much mixed punch under hatches), but still very
grave,--"brother, I think as how it's clear that we're both of us d--d
fools, and d--d lucky fellows at the same time."

"Amen!" cries one of the Bailiffs, with a guffaw.

"_You_ belay," remarked the Captain, turning towards the vermin of Law
with profound disdain. "Brother" (turning to me), "is the Press out?"

"What do you mean?" I inquired. "You know that there's no warrant for
press-gangs in this part of the Liberties of Westminster."

"Liberty be Hanged!" quoth the Sea Captain. "If there was any liberty,
there couldn't be a press, for which I don't care a groat, for I'm a
master mariner. This is what I mean. Is them landlubbers there part of a
press-gang? Are you trapped, brother? Are you in the bilboes? Are you in
any danger of being put under hatches?"

"Why," upspoke one of the Bailiffs, answering for me, "the truth is that
we are Sheriff's Sergeants, and have made seizure, according to due writ
of _fi. fa._ of this worthy lady's goods. We've nothing at all against
the gentleman who says that he married her this morning; but as you
said that you married her five years ago, it's very likely that we, or
some of our mates, shall have something to say to you, in the form of
parchment, between this and noon to-morrow."

"Very well," answers the Strange Seaman. "You speak like a Man o' War's
chaplain, some Lies and some Lingo, but all of it d--d Larned. Have you
got ere a drop of rum, brother?"

"There's nothing here but some Three-Thread Swipes," responds Mr.
Bailiff; "and, indeed, we were waiting until the gentleman treated us to
something better."

"Then," continues the Captain, "you shall have some rum. Younker, go and
fetch these gentlemen some liquor;" and he flings a crown to the
shop-lad. "You may drink your grog and blow your baccy," he went on, "as
long as ever you like, and much good may it do you. And as for you,
Pig-faced Nan,"--in this uncivil manner did he address the false Madam
Taffetas,--"you may go to bed, or to the Devil, 'zactly as you choose,
and settle your Business with the Bailiffs in the morning 'zactly as you
like. And you and I, brother," he wound up, taking me by the arm in
quite a friendly manner, "will just go and take our grog and blow our
baccy in peace and quietness, and thank the Lord for it."

All this he said with great thickness and indistinctness of utterance,
but with an immovable gravity of countenance. I never saw a Man who was
manifestly so Drunk speak so sensibly, and behave himself in such a
proper manner in my life.

As he turned on his heel to leave the parlour where all this took place,
I saw one of the Bailiffs rise stealthily as if to follow us.

"Belay there!" the Captain cried, advancing his mahogany paw in a
warning manner. "Hold hard, shipmates. I'm a peaceable man, and aboard
they call me Billy the Lamb; but, by the Lord Harry, if I catch you
sneaking about, or trying to find out where I and this noble gentleman
be agoing, I'm blest if I don't split your skull in two with this here
speaking-trumpet." And so saying the Captain produced a very long tin
tube, such as Mariners carry to make their voices heard at a distance at
sea, but which they generally have aboard, and do not carry with them in
their walks.

The Bailiffs were sensible men, and forbore to intermeddle with us any
more. So we marched out of the House, it being now about nine o'clock at
night; and, upon my word, from that moment to this, I never set eyes
upon Madam Taffetas, or Dangerous, or Blokes,--for the Sea Captain's
name, he afterwards told me, was Blokes,--or whatever her real name was.
It is very certain that she used me most scandalously, and cruelly
betrayed the trusting confidence of one that was not only a Bachelor,
but an Orphan.

Captain Blokes was a strange character. We had a grand Carouse that
night, he paying the Shot like a gentleman; and over our flowing Bowls,
he told me that he had long had suspicions of his wife's real
character; and was, indeed, in possession of evidence (though he had
kept it secret) to prove that she had given herself in marriage to
another man before she had wedded him. And then, through the
serving-lad, he had heard that very morning, on his coming into the Pool
from Gravesend and Foreign Parts, that Madam, who thought him in China
at least, and hoped him Dead, was about to enter into Wedlock once
again; so that, determined to have Sport, he had well Primed himself
with Punch, and lurked about the neighbourhood until Monsieur Tomfool
and his Spouse (by which I mean myself, although no other man should
call me so) had come home from the Fleet. And so all the Crying, and
Lord ha' Mercies, of the Wench and the Boy, were all subterfuges; and
they knew very well, the sly rogues, that the Sea Captain would soon be
to the Fore.

Nothing would suit him after this but that we should have Supper at the
King of Prussia's Head, in the Savoy, and, as I had given up my Lodgings
as not Grand enough for me on the eve of my wedding, and the Vessel of
which he was Commander was lying in the Pool, that we should have
Beds--at his charges--at the same Tavern; and, indeed, your Seafaring
Men, although rough enough, and smelling woundily of tar and
bilge-water, are the most Hospitable Creatures breathing; and that makes
Me so free with my Money when there is a treat afoot; albeit I can,
without Vanity, declare myself Amphibious, for I have seen as much
service by Sea as by Land, and have always approved myself a Gentleman
of Courage, Honour, and Discretion, on both Elements.

The next morning, after a Nip of Aquavitae, to clear the Cobwebs out of
our throats, we went down to Billingsgate, where we saw my old humorous
acquaintances, Brandy Sall, the fishwife, and the humorous porter, the
Duke of Puddledock; likewise a merry Wag that did porterage work for the
Fish Factors in the Market, and thereby seemed to have caught somewhat
of the form of the fish beneath which his shoulders were continually
groaning, so that all who could take that liberty with him called him
Cod's Head and Shoulders. Here we breakfasted on new Oysters and Fried
Flounders, with a lappet of Kippered Salmon, for Goodman Thirst's sake,
and a rare bowl of hot Coffee, which made us relish a Jug of Punch
afterwards in a highly jocund manner. And then we fell to conversation;
and I, who had nothing to Conceal, and nothing to be Ashamed of, did
recount those of my Adventures which I deemed would be most diverting
(for I forbore to tell him those which were tedious and uneventful) to
Captain Blokes. And he, not to be behindhand in frank confidence, told
me how many years he had been at sea; how many merchant vessels he had
commanded; and what Luck he had had in his divers Trading Adventures.
Likewise, that he was now under engagement with some very worthy
Merchants of Bristol, to man, equip, and command a vessel called the
_Marquis_, which, in company with two others, the _Hope_ and the
_Delight_, were about to undertake a Cruising Voyage round the World.
Finding from my speech that I was not wholly unaccustomed to the Sea,
and being made acquainted with what I had done in the West Indies and
elsewhere, Captain Blokes was pleased to say that I was the very man for
him, if I would join him. And at this time, in verity, it seemed as
though nothing could suit me better; for my Resources were quite
exhausted, and I was brought very Low. So, after some further parley,
and a good Beefsteak and Onions, and a bottle of Portugee Wine for
dinner, we went to the Scrivener's in Thames Street, by the name of
Pritchett, that was Agent for the Company of Merchant Adventurers at
Bristol; and an Agreement was drawn up, by which, for Fifty Shillings a
month pay, all due rations and allowances, and a certain proportion of
the profits to be divided among the Ship's Company at the termination of
our Adventure, I bound myself to serve Captain Blokes as Secretary and
Purser of the ship _Marquis_.

"Which means," says he, when we had taken a Dram and shaken hands on
signing articles, "that you are to Write, Fight, Drink, and keep
Accompts, play put with me in the Cabin, assist me in preserving the
Discipline of the Ship, sing a good song when you are called upon, help
the Doctor to take care of the sick, and see that the Steward don't
steal the Grog and Tobacco; and if you'll stick to me, by the Lord
Harry, Billy Blokes will stick to you. I like you because you were such
a d--d fool as to go and marry that old woman."

The next day we took Coach at the Swan, by Paddington Church, for
Bristol, and two days afterwards arrived at that great and flourishing
Mercantile city. Nothing worthy of note on the road; the Highwaymen,
that were wont to be so troublesome, being mostly put down, owing to
Justice Fielding and De Vit's stringent measures. We were much beset
with gangs of wild Irish coming over from their own country a-harvesting
in our fertile fields; and those gentry were like to have bred a riot,
quarrelling with the English husbandmen at Stow. Being at Bristol,
comfortably housed at the Bible and Crown in Wine Street,--the landlord
much given to swearing, but one of the best hands at making of Mum that
ever I knew,--Captain Blokes had great work in settling business with
the Company of Merchant Adventurers and Alderman Quarterbutt, their
President. As it seems we were at war with the French and Spaniards, the
_Marquis_ (burden about 320 tons) was to carry twenty-six guns and a
complement of 108 men, letters of marque being granted to us by private
Commission, with secret instruction as to Prizes and Plunder, so that
the disposal of both should redound to the advantage of the Mariners,
the Profit of our Employers, and the honour of His Majesty's arms. We
had nigh double the usual complement of officers usual in private ships,
to prevent Mutinies, which ofttimes happen in long voyages, and that we
might have a large provision for a succession of officers in case of
Mortality. In the _Marquis_ we had Captain Blokes, commander-in-chief of
the whole Armament, a Mariner; a Second Captain, who was a Dr. of
Physick, and also acted as President of our Committee (having much
book-learning), and Commander of the Marines; two Leftenants; a Sailing
Master; a Pilot that was well acquainted with the South Seas, having
been in those latitudes twice before; a Surgeon and his Mate, or
Loblolly Boy; Self as Secretary and Purser; two young lawyers, designed
to act as Midshipmen; Giles Cash, as Reformado,--that was the title of
courtesy given to those who were sent to sea in lieu of being hanged; a
Gunner and his crew; a Boatswain, cooper, carpenter, sailmaker, smith,
and armourer, ship's corporal, Sergeant of Marines, cook; a <DW64> that
could shave and play the fiddle; and the Ship's company as aforesaid,
one-third of whom were foreigners of every nation under the Sun; and of
those that were His Majesty's subjects, many Tinkers, Tailors,
Haymakers, Pedlars, &c.--a terribly mixed Gang, requiring much
three-strand cord to keep 'em in order.

On the 2nd August, 1748, we weighed from King's Road, by Bristol, and at
ten at night, having very little wind, anchored between the Holms and
Minehead. Coming on a fresh gale at S.E. and E.S.E., we ran by Minehead
at six in the morning. Next day the wind veered to N.E. and E.N.E.; on
the 4th there was but little wind, and smooth water; on the 5th we saw
Land; and finding that we had overshot our port, which was Cork, came to
an anchor at noon off the two rocks near Kinsale. At eight at night we
weighed, having a Kinsale Pilot on board, who was like to have
endangered our safety, the night being dark and foggy, and the Pilot not
understanding his Business; so that he nearly turned us into the next
Bay to the westward of Cork, which provoked Captain Blokes to chastise
him publicly on the quarter-deck. Our two consorts got into Cork before
us, and we did not anchor in the Cove until the 7th August, at three in
the afternoon. We stayed here until the 28th of the month, getting in
stores and provisions, and replacing as many of our tailors and
haymakers as we could with real Sailors that could work the Ship. Our
crew, however, were continually Marrying while we were at Cork, to the
great Merriment of Self and Captain Blokes, who had seen enough and to
spare of that Game; but they _would_ be Spliced, although they expected
to sail immediately; among others, there was a Danish man coupled by a
Romish Priest to an Irish woman, without understanding a word of each
other's language, so that they were forced to use an Interpreter; yet I
perceived this pair seemed more afflicted at separation than any of the
rest. The Fellow continued melancholy for many days after we were at
Sea. The rest, understanding each other and the world better, drank
their cans of Flip till the very last Minute, concluded with a health to
our good voyage and their next Happy Meeting, and then Departed, quite
unconcerned.

We took sailing orders on the 1st of September; and then Captain Blokes
discovered to the crew whither we were bound,--that is to say, on a four
years' voyage,--in order that, if any Disorders should arise among us,
we might exchange our Malcontents while in company with one of His
Majesty's ships. But no complaint was found on board the _Marquis_,
except from one fellow who was expected to have been Tithing man that
year in his Parish, and said his wife would be obliged to pay Forty
shillings in his absence; but seeing all hands satisfied, he was easily
quieted, and drank with the rest to a prosperous voyage. On the 2nd
September we, having cleaned and tallowed our ship's five streaks below
the Water-line, the fiddler struck up "Lumps o' Pudding," and to follow
that "Cold and Raw," the Ship's company joining chorus with a will, and
so fell down to the Spit End by the _Culloden_ Man of War, as our two
Consorts had done the Night before. When we came to the Spit End,
Captain Blokes saluted the _Culloden_ with seven Guns, to which they
returned Five in courtesy, and then we again Three for thanks. And so
commenced my Journey round the World.




CHAPTER THE SECOND.

MERCATOR HIS PROJECTION, AND WHAT CAME OF IT.


MEANING simply this, that I have often and often, as a little Lad, gazed
upon the Great Map--very yellow, and shiny, and cracked on its canvas
mounting it was--of the World, upon Mercator's Projection, and devoutly
longed for the day to arrive when it might be my fortune to make a
Voyage of Circumnavigation. Such a Map, I remember, hung in the
Schoolroom at Gnawbit's; and I have often been cruelly beaten for gazing
at it and pondering over it, instead of endeavouring to commit to memory
a quantity of Words, the meaning of which I could not for the life of me
understand.

Now, indeed, I had got my Desire, and was going round the World in a
Ship well found with Men and Stores, occupying myself a responsible
position, and one giving me some Authority, and enjoying the full
Confidence of my Commander, who was, both when sober and inebriated (and
he was mostly the latter), one of the most sagacious men I ever knew. He
spoke seldom, and then generally with a Hiccup; but what he said was
always to the Purpose. I doubt not, if Captain Blokes had been in the
Royal Navy, he would by this time be flying his pendant as Admiral.

'Twould fill a volume to give you a Narrative, however brief, of our
Voyage. One does not go round the World quite so easily as a Cit taking
a Wherry from Lambeth Walk to Chelsea Reach. No, no, my Masters; there
are Perils to encounter, Obstacles to overcome, Difficulties to
surmount; and I flatter myself that Jack Dangerous was not found wanting
when a Stout Heart, a Strong Hand, and a Clear Head were needed. I
repeat that 'tis impossible for me to give you an exact Log of so
lengthy a Cruise; and you must needs be content if I set down a few
bare Items of the most notable Things that befell us.

On 11th September we chased a strange Sail, and after three hours came
up with her. She proved to be a Swedishman. After firing a couple of
shots at full Random at her, to show that we meant Mischief if provoked,
and one of which Shots, I believe, passed over her Taffrail, and killed
a Black Servant and the Captain's Monkey, Captain Blokes boarded her in
his Yall; examined the Master, and searched the Ship for Contraband of
War; but not finding any save a suspicious quantity of salted Reindeer's
Tongues, our Committee agreed that she could not be considered a lawful
Prize; and not being willing to hinder time by carrying her into any
Harbour for further Examination, we let her go without the least
Embezzlement. The Master gave us a dozen of his Reindeer Tongues, and a
piece of dry Rufft Beef; and we presented him with a dozen bottles of
Red-streak Cider. But while Captain Blokes and the Doctor of Physic and
Self were aboard the Swede taking a social Glass with him, our rascally
crew took it into their heads to Mutiny, their Grievance being that the
vessel was a Contraband, and ought to be made a Prize of. The plain
truth was, that the Rogues thirsted for Plunder. The Boatswain was one
of the Mutineers. Him we caused to receive Four Dozen from the hands of
his own Mates, and well laid on; about a dozen of the rest we put in
Irons, after having Drubbed 'em soundly, and fed 'em upon
Bread-and-Water; but at the end of a few days they begged Pardon, and,
on promising Amendment, were allowed to return to their Duty.

18th September we came in sight of Pico Teneriffe, bearing S.W. by W.,
distant about eight leagues. This day we spied a Sail under our Lee Bow,
between the Islands of Grand Canaries and Forteventura. She showed us a
clean Pair of Heels; but we gave Chase, and after seven hours came up
with her. She proved a Prize, safe enough: a Spanish Bark, about 25
tons, with some 45 Passengers, who rejoiced much when they found we
were English, having fancied that we were Turks or Sallee Rovers.
Amongst our Prisoners were four Friars, and with them the Padre Guardian
of Forteventura, a good, honest old fellow, fat, and given to jollity.
Him we made heartily merry, drinking the Spanish King's Health, for
naught else would he Toast. After we had made all Snug, we stood to the
Westward with our Prize to Teneriffe, to have her ransomed, that is to
say, her Hull; for her Cargo was not worth redeeming, being extremely
shabby,--one or two Butts of Wine, a Hogshead of Brandy, and other small
matters, which we determined to keep for our own use. The Spanish Dons
made a mighty pother about paying, pleading that the Trade of these
Islands enjoyed an immunity from Privateering by arrangement between his
Catholic Majesty and the King of Great Britain, and were even seconded
by some English merchants of Teneriffe that were frightened at the
thought of the cruel Reprisals the Dons might exercise after we went
away, both on their Persons and Properties; for Jack Spaniard is one
that, if he cannot have Meal, will have Malt. But we soon let 'em know
that Possession was Nine Points of the Law, and that we were resolved to
stick to our Prize unless we got Ransom, which they presently agreed to.
At eight o'clock the next morning we stood into the Port, close to the
Town, and spied a Boat coming off, which proved to be the Deputy
Governor, a Spanish Don with as many names as an English pickpocket has
Aliases, and one Mr. Harbottle, that was English Vice-Consul. They
brought us Wine, Figs, Grapes, Hogs, and other Necessaries, as Ransom in
Kind for the Bark; and accordingly we restored her, as also the
Prisoners, with as much as we could find of what belonged to their
Persons; although, Truth to tell, some of our wild Reformadoes had used
them somewhat unhandsomely. All the Books, Crucifixes, Reliques, and
other superstitious things, we carefully gave back to the Friars; to the
Padre a large Cheese, at which he was much delighted; and to another
Religious, who had been stripped nearly as bare as a Robin, a pair of
Breeches and a Red Nightcap. And so stood off, giving Three Cheers for
King George, and one, with better luck next time, for the King of Spain;
and I doubt not that they cursed us heartily that same night in their
Churches, for Heretics. Now we had an indifferent good stock of Liquor,
to be the better able to endure the Cold when we got to the length of
Cape Horn, which, we were informed, had always very Cold Weather near
it.

On the 25th, according to custom, we Ducked those that had never passed
the Tropic before. The manner of doing it was to reeve a Rope in the
Mainyard, to hoist 'em about half-way up to the Yard, and let 'em fall
at once into the Water; they being comfortably Trussed by having a Stick
'cross through their Legs, and well fastened to the Rope, that they
might not be surprised and let go their Hold. This proved of great use
to our Fresh-water Sailors, to recover the Colour of their Skins, which
had grown very Black and Nasty. Those that we Ducked in this manner
Three Times were about 60; and others that would not undergo it could
redeem themselves by a Fine of Half-a-Crown, to be Levied and Spent at a
Public Meeting of all the Ships' Companies when we returned to England.
The Dutchmen we had on board, and some few English, desired to be
Ducked, some six, others eight and ten times, to have the better title
for being Treated when they came home.

On the 1st October we made St. Vincent, where our Water began to smell
insufferably; so had some Coopers from the _Hope_ and _Delight_ to make
us Casks, and take in a fresh Stock.

On the 3d we sent a boat to St. Antonio, with one of our Gunners' Crew
that was a very fair Linguist, to get Truck for our Prize Goods what we
wanted; they having plenty of Cattle, Pigs, Goats, Fowls, Melons,
Potatoes, Limes, and ordinary Brandies, Tobacco, Indian Corn, &c. Our
people were very meanly stocked with Clothes; yet we were forced to
watch our men very narrowly, and Punish some of 'em smartly, to prevent
their selling what Garments they had, for mere Trifles, to the <DW64>s.

We got all we wanted by the 8th; but our Linguist gave us leg-bail; and
as he was much given to telling of Lies, we did not go to the pains of
sending a party of Marines on shore after him. This is the place whither
the Blacks come from St. Nicholas to make Oil of Turtle for the
anointing of their Nasty Bodies withal. There was much good Green Turtle
at this time of the year, which made me think of my old Jamaica days;
but our men, in a body, refused to eat it, much preferring Salt Junk.

_Item._--Many Flying Fish about here.

Nothing more worthy of note till the 22d October, when Mr. Page, Second
Mate, made an attack on his superior officer, the Doctor of Physic, with
a Marline-spike; and, but for a very large Periwig he wore, which was
accounted odd in one having a Maritime Command, would have finished him.
Mr. Page was had to the Forecastle and clapped in the Bilboes, and
Captain Blokes was for Hanging him off-hand as an Example to the rest;
but I, as Secretary, pointed out to him that there was no Power of Life
and Death in our Instructions, and that it would be folly to run the
risk of a Praemunire when we made Home again. With much trouble I
succeeded in dissuading him from his Design: so that the Mate was only
lashed to the Main-gears and soundly Drubbed. Fair, pleasant Weather,
and a fresh Gale. One that had secreted a Peruke, and a pair of scarlet
Stockings with silver Clocks, out of the plunder of the Spanish Bark,
did also receive Rib-roasting enough (this was on a Sunday, after
Prayers) to last him for a fortnight.

On the 10th of November, after a terrific Tornado and Thunder and
Lightning, that frightened some of our Tailors and Haymakers half into
Fits, we came to an Anchor in 22-fathom water, in a sandy bay off the
land of Brazil. Caught some Tortoises for their Shells, for they have
too strong a taste to be Eatable. A Portugee boat came from a Cove in
the Island of Grande, on our Starboard side, and said they had been
robbed by the French not long since. Captain Blokes, the Doctor, and
Self went ashore to Angre de Keys, as it is called in Sea-Draughts; but,
as the Portugee call it, Nostra Senora de la Concepcion, a small village
about three leagues distant, to wait on the Governor, and make him a
present of Butter and Cheese. As we neared the shore, the People, taking
us for Mounseers, fired a few Musquetoons at us, which did us no Hurt;
and when they found out who we were, they very Humbly Begged our Pardon.
The Friars invited us to their Convent, and told us they had been so
often stripped and abused by King Lewis's frog-eating Subjects, that
they were obliged to take measures to Defend themselves; and, indeed,
'twas these said Padres who had fired at us. The Governor was gone to
Rio Janeiro, a city about twelve leagues distant, but was expected back
next day. We got our empty Casks ashore, and sent our Carpenter, with a
friendly Portugee, to look out Wood for Trustle-trees, both our Main and
Fore being broke; but the Weather was so Wet and violent Sultry, that
we could do nothing. Here are abundant Graves of Dead Men; and the
Portugees told us that two great French ships, homeward bound from the
South Seas, that Watered in this same place about nine months before,
had buried nearly Half their men here; but 'twas at the Sickly season,
and the French have a marvellous foul way of Living. The people very
Civil; and we offered 'em handsome Gratuities if they would catch such
of our men as might run away, which they promised to do most Cheerfully.

Hearing of a Brigantine (this was some days afterwards) at the entrance
of the Bay of Grande, we sent our Pinnace manned and armed to know all
about her. She turned out to be a Portugee laden with <DW64>s, poor
Creatures! for the Gold-mines. Our boat returned, and brought as
presents a Roove of Fine Sugar and a Pot of Sweetmeats from the Master,
who spoke a little English, and had formerly sailed with 'em. The
Portugees are cautious in saying how far it is to the Gold-mines; but, I
believe, the distance by water is not great; and there is certainly
abundance of Gold in the country. The French took about 1200_l._ worth
out of their boats last autumn at one Haul, which makes the Portugees
hate 'em so. Some of 'em brought us a Monstrous Creature which they had
killed, having Prickles or Quills like a Hedgehog, and the head and tail
of a Monkey. It stank abominably, which the Portugees said was only the
Skin, and that the Meat of it was very Delicious, and often used for the
table; but our men not being yet on Short Commons, none of 'em had
Stomach enough to try the Experiment, so that we were forced to throw it
overboard to make a Sweet Ship. Our people could now hardly go ashore
without being frightened, as they thought, by Tigers, and holloaing to
be taken aboard again; but there was nothing more dangerous hereabouts
than Apes and Baboons.

Twenty-seventh November was a grand Festival at Angre de Keys, in honour
of one of their Saints. We, and most of our officers from the _Hope_ and
the _Delight_, went ashore and were received by the Governor, Signor
Raphael da Silva Lagos, with much civility. He asked if we would see the
Convent and Procession; and on our telling him our Religion differed
very much from his, answered that we were willing to see it without
partaking in the Ceremony. We waited on him in a Body, being ten of us,
with two Trumpets and Hautboys, which he desired might play us to
Church, where our Music did the office of an Organ, but separate from
the Singing, which was very well chanted by the Padres. Our Trumpets and
Hautboys played "Hey Boys, up go we!" and all manner of paltry noisy
tunes; and, after service, the Musicians, who were by this time more
than half-drunk, marched at the head of the Company: next to them an old
Padre and two Friars, carrying Lamps of Incense. Then the Image of the
Saint, as Fine as a Milkmaid's Garland, borne on a Bier, all spangled,
on the shoulders of four men, and bedizened out with Flowers,
Wax-candles, &c. After these, the Padre Guardian of the Convent, and
about forty Priests in their full Habits. Next came the Governor;
Captain Blokes, in a blue Navy Coat laced with Gold, a pair of
scarlet-velvet Breeches, and a Military Hat; and the rest of the English
officers in their very best Apparel. I was fit to die a-laughing, and
whispered to our Doctor of Physic, that had I known I was fated to walk
in such a Procession, I would never have sold my old Tower Warder's
slashed doublet to the Frippery Man in Monmouth Street, but would have
brought it round the World with me to wear at this Outlandish place.
Each of us had, moreover, in Compliment to his Saintship, a long Candle,
lighted, in his hand; the which gave us great Diversion, flaring the
tapers about, and seeking to smoke one another. The Ceremony held about
two hours, after which we were splendidly entertained at the Convent,
and then by the Governor at the Guard-house, his own habitation being
about three leagues off. It is to be noted, they Kneeled at every
Crossway, and turning, walked round the Convent, and came in at another
door, bowing down and paying their devotion to the Images and the
Wax-candles, with the like superstitious observances. They unanimously
told us, however, that they expected nothing from us but our Company;
and, beyond the Trumpets and Hautboys, and a jolly Song or two from us,
they had no more. Many Sharks were in the Road, that keep the <DW64>
Slaves in good order, should they, poor Black Fellows, attempt Escape to
any foreign ship by swimming to her. But the Portugees are not very hard
with their <DW64>s, save up at the Gold-mines, where Mercy is quite
unknown. _Aqua d'oro_ may be a very good Eye-water; but, sure, there's
nothing like it for hardening of the Heart.

On the 28th of this Month we bade farewell to our kind friends of Angre
de Keys. Just before sailing we sent a Boat to the town for more
Necessaries, and brought off some Gentlemen, whom we treated to the very
best we could. They were very glorious, and in their Cups proposed the
Pope's Health to us; but we were quits with 'em by toasting that of the
Archbishop of Canterbury; and, to keep up the humour, we also proposed
Martin Luther: but this fell flat, as they had never Heard of him;
whereas that of his Grace at Lambeth turned out rather against us than
for us; for they cried out that they knew him very well, and that he was
a Catholic Saint, under the style and title of San Tomaso de Cantorberi.

December 1st, we weighed with a breeze at N.E.; but later came on a gale
S.S.W., forcing us to anchor close under the Island of Grande. About 10
next morning we weighed again, and bore away and steered away S.W. Now
the product of Brazil is well known to be Red Wood, Sugars, Gold,
Tobaccos (of every kind, and very choice), Whale Oil, Snuff, and several
sorts of Drugs. The Portugees build their best ships here. The people
very Martial; and 'tis but a few years since they would be under no
Government, but have now submitted to the House of Braganza, which makes
a Pretty Penny out of them. Their Customs are very nasty; their Houses
marvellously foul; and they are for ever smoking of Tobacco; but the
Portugees are still a very friendly folk, cordial to us English,
although they call us Heretics, and, but for their great love for
roasting Jews, very tender-hearted. I like them much better than those
Proud Paupers the Spaniards. A Beggar on Horseback is bad enough; but
Goodness deliver us from a Beggar on an Andalusian Jackass!

_Memorandum._--Brazil discovered by the famous Americus Vespucius, that
came after Captain Christopher Colomb.

Nothing remarkable happened until December 6th, when we had close cloudy
Weather, with Showers; and, after that, some pretty sharp Gales. On the
15th the colour of the water changed; and we sounded, but had no ground.
On the 18th one of the _Hope's_ men fell out of the Mizen-top on the
Quarter-deck, and broke his Skull; so that he died, and was buried next
day. A brisk fellow, that, from his merry ways, used to be called
Brimstone Jemmy. After this, cold airy weather, and numbers of
Porpoises, black on their backs and fins, with sharp white Noses. They
often leaped high up in the water, showing their white bellies. Also, a
plenty of seals. December 23d we saw Land, appearing first in three, and
afterwards in several Islands. The Wind being westerly, and blowing
fresh, we could not weather it, but were forced to bear away and run
along Shore from three to four leagues distant. This we saw first was
Falkland's Land, described in few Draughts, and none lay it down right,
though the Latitude agrees pretty well. December 25th saw Land again;
but could not get near enough to see whether it was inhabited; in truth
we were too much in a hurry to think of making Discoveries; for at four
in the Afternoon we sighted a Sail under our Lee-bow, gave chase, and
got ground of her apace till Night came on. In the Morning we saw
nothing, it being thick hazy Weather; then, as ill luck would have it,
it fell Calm, and having nothing else to do we Piped all hands to
Punishment, and gave the Cook three dozen for burning Captain Blokes'
burgoo. Then Grog served out, and we took an Observation. Lat. 52.40.

We kept on rowing and towing with Sweeps, and our Boats ahead, until
about six in the Evening; and the Chase appearing to be a large ship, we
sent Boats aboard our Consorts, and agreed to engage her. A fine breeze
sprang up, and we got in our Sweeps and Boats, making all possible sail;
it came on thick again; but we kept her open on the Larboard, and the
_Hope_ and _Delight_ on the Starboard bow, and it being now Short
Nights, we thought it impossible to lose one another. But the Master
persuaded our Commander to shorten sail, saying that we should lose our
Consorts if we kept on. Another Fog, and be hanged to it; but the next
morning the Yellow Curtain was lifted up, and we saw the Chase about
four miles ahead, which gave us a new Life. We ran at a great Rate, it
being smooth water; but it coming on to blow more and more, the Chase
outbore our Consorts, and being to windward she gave off, and then came
down very melancholy to us, supposing her to be a French Homeward-bound
Ship from the South Seas. Thus, this Ship escaped; and left us all, from
the Commander to the Cabin-boys (who had a hard time of it that night,
you may be sure), in the most doleful Dumps.

Strong gales to the 1st of January. This being New-Year's Day, every
officer was wished a Merry New Year by our Trumpets and Hautboys; and we
had a large tub of Punch, hot, upon the Quarter-deck, where every man in
the Ship had above a Pint to his share, and drank to our Owners' and
Friends' healths in Great Britain, to a Happy New Year, a good Voyage,
plenty of Plunder (Wo is me for that Homeward-bound Frenchman from the
Southern Seas!), and a Safe Return. And then we bore down on our
Consorts and gave them three Huzzas, wishing them the like.

Now, it being very raw cold Weather, we very much dreaded scudding upon
Ice; so we fired Guns as Signals for the _Hope_ and _Delight_ to bring
to, and on the 5th of January brought ourselves to, under the same
reefed Topsails. We feared at one time, from our Consorts having an
Ensign in their Maintopmast shrouds, as a Signal of Distress, that they
had sprung their Mainmast; so we made the Large again, our Ship working
very well in a mighty great sea. When we were able to get within Hail of
our Consorts, we asked them how they did, and how they had come to hoist
the Wretched Rag. They answered, Pretty well, but that they had shipped
a great deal of Water in lying by, and being forced to put before the
wind, the Sea had broke in at the Cabin Windows, filling the Steerage
and Waist, and was like to have spoiled several Men; but, Heaven be
thanked! all else was indifferent well with 'em; only it was intolerably
Cold, and everything Wet. Captain Blokes sent me on board the _Delight_
in our Yall, and I found them in a very disorderly Pickle, with all
their Clothes a-drying: the Ship and Rigging covered with 'em from the
Deck to the Maintop. They got six of their Guns into the Hold, to make
the Ship lively.

Aboard the _Marquis_ died, on the 8th, John Veale, a Landsman, having
lain ill a Fortnight, and had a Swelling in the Legs ever since he left
the Island of Grande. At nine at night we buried him; and this was the
first we had lost by Sickness since we left England. Until the 15th,
cloudy Weather with Squalls of Rain, and fresh Gales at S.W. We now
accounted ourselves round Cape Horn, and so in the South Seas. The
French ships that first came to trade in these seas were wont to come
through the Straits of Magellan; but Experience has taught 'em since,
that this is the best Passage to go round the Horn, where they have Sea
Room enow, without being crushed and crowded as at a Ranelagh
Masquerade; and the Straits are in many places very narrow, with strong
Tides and no Anchor Ground.

On the 31st of January, at seven in the Morning, we made the Island of
Juan Fernandez, bearing W.S.W., and about two in the Afternoon we
hoisted our Pinnace out, and essayed to send one of our Lieutenants
ashore, though we could not be less than four leagues off. As soon as it
was Dark our men cried out that they saw a Light ashore; our Boat was
then about a mile from the Shore, and bore away for the Ship on our
firing a Quarter-deck Gun, and several Muskets, showing Lanterns in our
Mizen and Foreshrouds, that the Pinnace might find us again, whilst we
plied to the lee of the Island. About two in the Morning she came
aboard, all safe. Next day we sent our Yall ashore about noon with the
Master and Six Men, all well Armed; meanwhile we cleared all ready for
Action on board the _Marquis_. Our Boat did not return, so we sent our
Pinnace with the Crew, likewise Armed: for we were afraid that the
Spaniards might have had a Garrison there, and so seized 'em. However,
the Pinnace returned, and brought abundance of Crawfish, but found
nothing human; so that the alarm about the Light must have been a mere
superstition of the Ship's Company.

_It was at this same Island of Juan Fernandez, in the year of our Lord
1708-9, that Captain Woodes Rogers, commanding the "Duke" Frigate, and
with whom also Captain Dampier, that famous Circumnavigator, sailed,
found a Man clothed in Goatskins, who looked wilder than they who had
been the first owners of 'em. He had been on the Island four years and
four months, being left there by Captain Stradling in the "Cinque
Ports;" his name was_ ALEXANDER SELKIRK, _a Scottish man, who had been
Sailing Master to the "Cinque Ports;" but quarrelling with the
Commander, was by him accused of Mutiny, and so Abandoned on this
Uninhabited Island. During his stay he saw several Ships pass by, but
only two came to an Anchor. As he went to view 'em he found they were
Spaniards, and so retired, upon which they Shot at him. Had they been
French, he would have submitted; but chose to risk his dying alone on
the Island rather than fall into the hands of the Spaniards, because he
apprehended they would Murder him, or make a Slave of him in the Mines;
for he feared they would spare no Stranger that might be capable of
Discovering the South Sea. He had with him when left his Clothes and
Bedding, with a Firelock, some Powder, Bullets, and Tobacco, a Hatchet,
a Knife, a Kettle, a Bible, some practical Pieces, and some Mathematical
Instruments and Books. During the first eight months of his stay he
suffered much from Melancholy and Terror; but afterwards got on pretty
well. He built two Huts with Pimento Wood, which he also burnt for Fuel
and Candle; and which, besides, refreshed him with its fragrant smell.
He had grown very Pious in his Retreat, and was much given to singing of
Psalms, having before led a very naughty life. Being a very good sailor,
Captain Woodes Rogers took him away with him as Second Mate. He told 'em
that he had been at first much pestered with Cats and Rats, the latter
of which gnawed his feet and clothes, so that he was obliged to cherish
the Cats with Goat's-flesh, and they grew so familiar with him as to lie
about him in hundreds. But I cannot stay to recount half the wonderful
Adventures of Mr. Selkirk. I knew him afterwards, a very old Man,
lodging with one Mrs. Branbody, that kept a Chandler's Shop over against
the Jews' Harp Tavern at Stepney. He was wont bitterly to complain that
the Manuscript in which he had written down an Account of his Life at
Juan Fernandez had been cozened out of him by some crafty Booksellers;
and that a Paraphrase, or rather Burlesque, of it, in a most garbled and
mutilated form, had been printed as a Children's Story-book, under the
name of_ ROBINSON CRUSOE. _This was done by one Mr. Daniel Foe, a
Newswriter, who, in my Youth, stood in the Pillory by Temple Bar, for a
sedition in some plaguey Church-matters. But it is fitting to let these
Gentry know that they have Ears, lest they become too Saucy._




CHAPTER THE THIRD.

THE CONTINUATION OF MY VOYAGE UNTIL MY RETURN AGAIN TO EUROPE.


NOW, being got away from Juan Fernandez, did an unconquerable Greed and
Longing for Prize and Plunder come over us; and did we sweep the Horizon
hour after hour as long as it was Light, in hope of satisfaction to our
long-deferred Hope. March 2d we sighted Land, and a vast high ridge of
Mountains they call the Cordilleras, and are in the Country of Chili.
Some parts are, I believe, full as high, if not higher, than the Pico of
Teneriffe, and the tops of all of 'em covered with Snow. This day we
came to an allowance of Three Pints of Water a day for each man; judging
it best to be Economical, although we had a good stock of water aboard
(taken in at Juan Fernandez); but Captain Blokes' reason was, to be able
to keep at Sea for some time longer, and take some Prizes to keep the
Deuce out of our pockets, without being discovered by Watering; for our
South-Sea Pilot told us that the timorous people of these Latitudes once
smelling an Enemy hovering about, will put to sea with nothing of value
from one end of the Coast to the other. Much baffled by several white
Rocks that looked like Ships, and Captain Blokes much incensed at
continual Disappointments, takes to making the Cabin-boy weary of his
life; and after drubbing him with a Rope's end three times doubled, was
for sousing him in the Pickle-tub; but I dissuaded him (remembering the
Torments I had myself endured as a Moose; and even now when I think of
'em I am Afraid, and Trembling takes hold of my Flesh), and so no more
was Done to him, beyond a Threat that he should be Keel-hauled next
time; although the poor lad had in no way misbehaved himself. We got the
two Pinnaces into the water, to try 'em under sail, having fixed each
of 'em with a Gun, after the manner of a Patterero, to be useful as
small Privateers, hoping they'd be serviceable to us in little winds to
take vessels. March 15th, Land again, and we supposed it was Lobos; and
sure enough, on the 17th, we got well unto anchor off that Island, but
found nobody at the place. On the 19th we determined to fit out our
small Bark for a Privateer, and launched her into blue water, under the
name of the _Beginning_. To his great pride and delight, Captain Blokes
appointed the Doctor of Physic to command her. She was well built for
sailing, so she was had round to a small Cove in the Southernmost part
of Lobos. A small Spar out of the _Marquis_ made a Mainmast for her, and
one of our Mizen Topsails was altered to make her a Mainsail. March
21st, All being ready, and the _Beginning_ christened by Captain Blokes
emptying a Bowl of hot Punch over her bow, she was victualled from the
general store; and the Doctor of Physic, who, for all his Degree,
claimed to be a good Mariner, took possession of his high and important
command. Twenty men from our ship, and ten from our Consorts, were put
aboard her, all well Armed. We saw her out of the Harbour, and she
looked very pretty, having all Masts, Sails, Rigging, and Materials,
like one of those Half Galleys fitted out for his Majesty's Service in
England. They gave our Ship's Company three Huzzas, and we returned them
the like at parting. We told the Captain-Doctor that if we were forced
out of the Road, or gave chase hence, we would leave a Glass Bottle,
buried under a remarkable Great Stone agreed upon, with Letters in it,
to give an Account of how it was with us at the moment of our Departure,
and where to meet again. And he was to do the like. When the _Beginning_
was gone we fell to and scrubbed Ship, getting abundance of Barnacles
off her much bigger than Mussels. Seals numerous, but not so many as at
Juan Fernandez. A large one seized upon a fat Dutchman that belonged to
us, and had like to have pulled him into the water, biting him to the
bone about the arms and legs. This Hollander was henceforth known as
the Lord Chancellor, having been so very near the Great Seal. After
barnacling, we gave the _Marquis_ a good Keel, and Tallowed her low
down. Another Dutchman we had died of the Scurvy. His Messmates said
that it was because we had no more Cheese aboard, and that we could not
catch Red Herrings by angling for them in Blue Water.

March 28th. The little _Beginning_ came in with a Prize, called the
_Santa Josepha_, bound from Guayaquil to Truxillo, 50 tons burden, full
of Timber, with some Cocoa-nuts and Tobacco. A very paltry Spoil. There
were about twelve Spaniards aboard, who told us (after some little
Persuasion, in the way of Drubbing) that the Widow of the late Viceroy
of Peru would shortly embark at Acapulco, with her Family and Riches,
and stop at Payta to Refresh; and that about eight months ago there was
a Galleon with 200,000 pieces of Eight on board, that passed Payta on
her way to Acapulco. They continued, however, to Lie and Contradict
themselves when questioned; and so (as they howled most dismally on deck
while under Punishment) they were had down to the Cockpit, where the
Boatswain and his Mates had their Will of them, and I don't know what
became of them afterwards. These Spanish Prisoners give a great deal of
Trouble.

April 2d. The Superstitious among us were heartily frightened at the
Colour of the Water, which for several miles looked as Red as any Blood.
Some fellows among the crew that were of a Preaching Turn, gave out that
this unusual appearance was an Omen, or Warning to us of Judgments
coming for what had been done to the Spanish Prisoners (in the which
Duresse I declare I had no hand; 'twas all done by Captain Blokes'
orders, and 'tis very likely that the Boatswain, who was a Rough Fellow,
very ignorant, exceeded his instructions). It was explained, however,
that this Sanguinary Hue in the water was a perfectly natural
appearance, caused by the Spawn of Fish; and two or three of the
preaching fellows being had to the Maingears and well Drubbed, Grog was
served out to the rest, and an Alarm, which might have bred a Mutiny,
soon subsided.

But huzza! on the 5th of April we had things more substantial to think
of than Red Seawater; for we took, after a very slight Resistance, a
Ship called the _Ascension_, built Galleon-fashion, very high, with
Galleries, Burden between 400 and 500 tons, and two Brothers Commanders,
both Dons of families that were Grandees 500 years before Adam was born,
and of course with five-and-twenty Christian Names apiece. She had a
number of Passengers and some fifty <DW64>s; but the former being
persons of Condition, far above the Common Sort, and not poor Coasting
people, such as were those in the Timber Bark, we used 'em handsomely.
They, without any such persuasion as was employed to their forerunners,
told us that the Bishop of Chokeaqua, a place far up the Country in the
South Parts of Peru, was to have come from Panama in this vessel for
Lima, but would stop at Payta to Recruit. Being near that place, we
resolved to Watch narrowly, in order to catch his Lordship.

Now to the Norrard, and on the 10th of April we were off the Hummocks
they call the Saddle of Payta; and being very Calm, we held a
Court-Martial on one of our Midshipmen who had threatened to shoot one
of our men when at Lobos, merely for refusing to carry some Crows that
he had shot. The Court was held in Captain Blokes' Cabin, and consisted
of the Commander, Self, First-Lieutenant, assisted in our deliberations
by sundry Pipes of Tobacco and a great Jug of Punch. Found Guilty.
Sentenced to be Degraded before the Mast, to have his Grog stopped for a
Fortnight, and to receive Four Dozen at the Gun (for he being a kind of
Officer, we did not wish to Humiliate him on deck). Half of his
Punishment he endured with more doleful Squalling than ever I heard from
a Penitent in my Life, although the Boatswain was very tender with him,
and three Tails of the Cat were tied up. He begged pardon, and so
Captain Blokes remitted him the rest of his Punishment. This Midshipman
was one who sang a very good Song; and so a Cushion being brought to
Ease him, we finished the Evening and the Punch jovially enough, he
being before the end in high favour with the Commander, and promised his
Rating back again.

April 15th. The Officers of all three Ships met on board the _Marquis_,
and the Committee came to a Resolution to attack Guayaquil at once. The
Bark we had called the _Beginning_ by this time had come back to us,
having begun nothing and found nothing, since its first prize, except a
great Sea Lubber, some kind of Monster that the Doctor of Physic had
caught and wanted to preserve in Rum, to make a Present of to the Royal
Society when we came Home; but we forbade his wasting good Liquor for so
unworthy an end, and the Monster, smelling intolerably, was thrown
overboard. 'Twould have caused me no great sorrow to see the Doctor
follow his Prodigy, for he was a very uncomfortable Person, and was
much given to cheating at Cards.

April 20th. To our Boats off Guayaquil, a Great Company of Men and
Officers all armed to the teeth. We rowed till 12 at night, when we saw
Lights, which we judged to be a place called Puna. It blew fresh, with a
small rolling Sea, the Boat I commanded being deep laden and crammed
with men; some of us say they would rather be in a Storm at Sea than
here; but, in regard we were about a charming Undertaking, we thought no
Fatigue too hard. At daybreak we saw a Bark above us in the River; and,
running down upon her, found it was a large Pinnace, full of the most
considerable Inhabitants of Puna, escaping towards Guayaquil. Here were
at least a dozen handsome genteel young Women, extremely well dressed,
and from them our men got some fine Gold Chains and Earrings. Some of
these Nicknacks were concealed about 'em; but the Gentlewomen in these
parts being very thinly dressed in Silk and Fine Linen, they could hide
but little, and our Linguist was bidden to advise them to be Wise in
Time, and surrender their Valuables, which they did. And so civil were
our Sailors to them, that they offered to dress some Victuals for us
when we got 'em aboard; which made us hope that the Fair Sex would be
kind to us when we returned to England, for our discreet behaviour to
these charming Prisoners.

       *       *       *       *       *

I am afraid that during the Attack on Guayaquil, which took place the
next day, and continued for the three following ones, when the place
Capitulated to our force, and a Treaty was signed between our Commanders
and the Governor and Corregidor of Guayaquil, sundry proceedings took
place that would not very well have squared with the public ideas of
what is due to the Fair Sex just treated of; but I declare that I had
neither Art nor Part in them, and that I am entirely Free from any
Responsibility that Censure might cast on the Authors of Cruel
Disturbances; for early in the Attack I was hit by a Musket-ball in the
chest, and borne senseless to our Boats. That I did my Duty bravely, my
Commander was good enough to say, and the whole Ship's Company to admit.
I was carried away to the _Marquis_, and for a long time lay between
Hawk and Buzzard; for a smart Fever came about the third day, like
Burgundy wine after Sherris, and I was for awhile quite off my head and
Raving about Old Times;--about Captain Night and the Blacks, and Maum
Buckey and her <DW64> Washerwomen, and my Campaign against the Maroons,
and some Other Things that had befallen me during those fifteen years
which I have chosen to leave a Blank in my life, and which I scorn to
deny did--some of them--lie heavy on my Conscience. All these were mixed
up with the old Gentleman at Gnawbit's, and my Lord Lovat with his head
off, and my Grandmother in Hanover Square; so that I doubt whether those
who tended me knew what to make of me. There was some difficulty too as
to medical attendance, for we had cashiered our Surgeon--that is to
say, he had run away at Grande in the Brazils, to marry a brown
Portugee woman; and the Doctor of Physic he was all for Herbal
Treatment, demanding Succory, Agrimony, Asarabacca, Knights-pound-wort,
Cuckoo-point, Hulver-bush, with Alehoof, and other things not to be
found in this part of the World. And Captain Blokes said that he knew
nothing half so good for a Gunshot Wound as cold Rum-and-Water; and
between the two I had like to have died, but all were very kind to me,
even to extracting the Ball with a Pair of Snuffers; and a great clumsy
thing the said missile was, being, I verily believe, part of a
Door-hinge which these clumsy Spanish Brutes had broken off short to
cram into their Guns; and yet it might have gone worse with me had it
been a smooth round cast Bullet, and drilled a clean Wound right through
my Body.

As I was coming round, even to the taking of some Sangaree and Chicken
Panada (for we were now very well provided with Live Stock), the
Captain said to me: "You ha'n't murdered a man, Brother, have you?"

I replied, starting up, that my hands were free from the stain of Blood
unrighteously spilt.

"No offence, Brother Dangerous," continued the Captain. "In our line of
life we ar'n't particular. It wouldn't take very dirty weather to make
our Ensign look like a Black Flag. Piracy and Privateering--they both
begin with a P. I thought you had something o' that sort on your mind,
because you took it so woundily about being hanged."

"I have had a strange life," I answered faintly.

"No doubt about that," says the Captain. "So have I, Brother, and not an
over-good one: that's why I asked you. If the old woman hadn't been in
the oven herself, she'd never have gone there to look for her daughter.
But have you anything on your mind, Brother? Is there anything that
Billy Blokes can do for you?"

I answered, very gratefully, that there was nothing I could think of.

"'Cause why," he resumed, "if there is, you have only to sing out. If
you think you're like to slip your Cable and would like to say
something, we've got a Padre on board out of the last Prize, and he
shall come and do the Right Thing for you. You don't know anything about
his lingo; but what odds is that? Spanish, or Thieves' Latin, or
rightdown Cockney,--it's all one when the word's given to pipe all
hands."

I answered that I was no <DW7>, but a humble member of the Church of
England as by Law established.

"Of course," concluded the Captain. "So am I. God bless King George and
the Protestant Succession, and confound the Pope, the Devil, and the
Pretender! But any Port in a storm, you know; and a Padre's better than
no Prayers at all. I've done all I could for you, Brother. I've read you
most part of the story of Bel and the Dragon, likewise the Articles of
War, and a lot of psalms out of Sternhold and Hopkins; and now, if you
feel skeery about losing the number of your mess, I'll make your Will
for you, to be all shipshape before the Big Wigs of London. There must
be a matter of Four Hundred Pounds coming to you already for your share
of Plunder; and no one shall say that Billy Blokes ever robbed a
Messmate of even a twopenny tester of his Rights."

Again I thanked this singular person, who, for all his Addictedness to
Rum-and-Water, of which he drank vast quantities, was one of the most
Sagacious men I have known. But I told him that I had neither kith nor
kin belonging to me; that I did not even know the name of my Father and
Mother; and that my Grandmother, even, was an Unknown Lady, and been
dead nigh forty years. Finally, that if I made my Will, it would only be
to the effect that my Property, if any, might be divided among the
Ship's Company of the _Marquis_, with a donative of Fifty guineas to the
_Hope_ and _Delight_ people to drink to my Memory.

"Ay, and to a pleasant journey to Fiddler's Green," cries out the
Captain. "But cheer up, Heart; ye're not weighed for the Long Journey
yet." Nor had I; for I presently recovered, and in less than a month
after my Mishap was again whole and fit for Duty. And I have set this
down in order to confute those malignant men who have declared that all
my Wounds were from Stripes between the Shoulders; whereas I can show
the marks, 1 deg., of an English Grenadier's bayonet; 2 deg., of a
Frenchman's sword; 3 deg., of a Spanish bullet; with many more Scars
gotten as honourably, and which it would be only braggadocio to tell
the History of.

_Item._--The Corregidores, or Head-Men of Guayaquil, are great Thieves.
The Mercenary Viceroys not being permitted to Trade themselves, do use
the Corregidores as middle-men, and these again employ a third hand; so
that ships are constantly employed carrying Quicksilver, and all manner
of precious and prohibited goods, to and from Mexico out of by-ports.
Thus, too, being their own Judges, they get vast Estates, and stop all
complaints in Old Spain by Bribes. But now and then comes out a Viceroy
who is a Man of Honesty and Probity, and will have none of these
Scoundrelly ways of Making Money (like Mr. Henry Fielding among the
Trading Justices, a Bright exception for integrity, though his Life, as
I have heard, was otherwise dissolute), and then he falls too and
squeezes the Corregidores, in the same manner as Cardinal Richelieu,
that was Lewis Thirteenth's Minister, was wont to do with the
Financiers. "You must treat 'em like Leeches," said he; "and when they
are bloated with blood, put salt upon them, to make them disgorge." And
I have heard that this rigid System of Probity, and putting salt on the
gorged Corregidores, has ofttimes turned out more profitable to the
Viceroys than trading on their own account.

Many of our men falling sick here, and our Ransom being now fully
disbursed by the authorities of Guayaquil, we made haste to get away
from the place, which was fast becoming pestiferous.

We set sail with more than fifty men Down with the Distemper (of which
they were dying like Sheep with the Rot in the town, and all the
Churches turned into Hospitals); but we hoped the Sea Air, for which we
longed, would set us all healthy again. So plying to windward, bearing
for the Galligapos Islands, and on the 21st of May made the most Norrard
of that Group. Jan Serouder, a West Frieslander, and very good Sailor,
though much given to smoking in his Hammock, for which he had many times
been Drubbed, died of the Distemper. A great want of Medicines aboard,
and the Rum running very low. Sent a boat ashore to see for Water, Fish,
and Turtle, which our men (being now less Dainty by Roughing) had, by
this time, condescended to eat. Kept on our course; on the 27th the
Easternmost Island bore S.E. by S., distant about four leagues: and
nothing more remarkable happened till the 6th of June, when we spied a
Sail, the _Hope_ being then about two miles ahead of us; and about seven
in the Evening she took her in a very courageous manner. This was a
Vessel of about 90 tons, bound from Panama to Guayaquil, called the _San
Tomaso y San Demas_ (for these Spaniards can never have too much of a
good thing in the way of Saints), Juan Navarro Navarret y Colza,
Commander. About forty people on board, and eleven <DW64> Slaves, but
little in the way of European goods save some Iron and Cloth. They had a
passenger of note on board, one Don Pantaleone and Something as long as
my Arm, who was going to be Governor of Baldivia, and said he had been
taken not long since in the North Sea by Jamaica Cruisers. On the 7th
June we made the Island of Gorgona; and, on the 8th, got to an anchor in
30-fathom water. The next day sent out our Pinnace a'cruising, and took
a prize called the _Golden Sun_, belonging to a Creek on the Main,--a
twopenny-halfpenny little thing, 35 tons; ten Spaniards and Indians,
and a <DW64> that was chained down to the deck to amuse the Ship Company
with playing on the Guitar (a kind of Lute). However, we found a few
ounces of Gold-dust aboard her, worth some sixty pounds sterling. After
examining our Prisoners (who gave us much trouble, for we had no
Linguist, and 'twas a Word and a Blow in questioning them: that is, the
Blow came from us to get the Word from 'em; but not more than two or
three Spaniards were Expended),--after this tedious work was over we
held a Committee, and agreed to go to Malaga,[A] an Island which had a
Road, and with our Boats tow up the River in quest of the rich
Gold-mines of Barbacore, also called by the Spaniards San Juan. But
heavy Rains coming on, we were obliged to beat back and come to Gorgona
again, building a Tent ashore for our Armour and Sick Men. We spent
till the 25th in Careening; on the 28th we got all aboard agen, rigged
and stowed all ready for sea; the Spaniards who were our Prisoners, and
who are very Dilatory Sailors (for they hearken more to their Saints
than to the Boatswain's Pipe), were much amazed at our Despatch; telling
us that they usually took Six Weeks or a Month to Careen one of their
King's Ships at Lima, where they are well provided with all Necessaries,
and account that Quick Expedition. We allowed Liberty of Conscience on
board our floating Commonwealth to our Prisoners; for there being a
Priest in each ship, they had the Great Cabin for their Mass, whilst we
used the Church-of-England Service over them on the Quarter-deck. So
that the <DW7>s here were the Low Churchmen. Shortly after the
beginning of July we freed our prisoners at fair Ransom in Gold-dust;
but the Village where we landed them was so poor in common Necessaries,
that we were obliged to give them some corned beef and biscuit for their
subsistence until they could get up the Country, where there was a
Town. Same day a <DW64> belonging to the _Delight_ was bit by a small
brown speckled Snake, and died in a few hours.

We had with us, too, a very good prize taken by the _Hope_, and
continued unloading this and transferring the rich contents to our
ships, having promised to restore the Hull itself to the Spaniards, on
her being handsomely Ransomed; and the Don that was to be Governor of
Baldivia was appointed Agent for us, and suffered to go freely on his
Parole to and fro to arrange Money-Matters with the Authorities up the
Country.

_Memorandum,_--Amongst our Prisoners (taken on board the Panama ship)
there was a Gentlewoman and her Family, the Eldest Daughter, a pretty
young woman of Eighteen, newly Married, and had her husband with her. We
assigned them the Great Cabin on board the Prize, and none were suffered
to intrude amongst them; yet the Husband (we were told) showed evident
Marks of a Violent Jealousy, which is the Spaniard's Epidemic Disease.
I hope he had not the least Reason for it, seeing that the Prize-Master
(our Second Lieutenant) was above Fifty years of Age, and of a very
Grave Countenance, appearing to be the most secure Guardian to females
that had the least Charm, though all our young Men (that were Officers)
had hitherto appeared Modest beyond Example among privateers; yet we
thought it improper to expose them to Temptation. And I am sure, when
the Lieutenant, being superseded for somewhat Scorching of a <DW64> with
a stick of fire for answering him Saucily, and Captain Blokes bade me
take temporary command of the Prize and Prisoners, that I behaved myself
so well as to gain Thanks and Public Acknowledgments for my civility to
the Ladies. We had notice that more than one of these Fair Creatures had
concealed Treasure about 'em; and so in the most Delicate Manner we
ordered a Female <DW64> who spoke English to overhaul 'em privately, and
at the same time to tell 'em that it would pain us to the Heart to be
obliged to use Stripes or other Unhandsome Means to come to a Discovery.
Many Gold Chains, Bracelets, Ouches, and suchlike Whim-Whams the Sable
Nymph found cunningly stowed away; upon which we gave her half a pint of
Wine and a large pot of Sweets, forgiving her at the same time a
Whipping at the Capstan which had been promised her for Romping and
Gammocking among the people in the Forecastle. For I suppose there was
never a modester man than Captain Blokes.

August 10th. All Money-Matters being arranged, we disposed of our
Prisoners. We burnt down the Village for some Impertinence of the Head
Man (who was a Half-caste Indian),--but no great harm done, since 'twas
mostly Mud and Plantain thatch, and could be built up again in a
Week,--and got to Windward very slowly, there being a constant current
flowing to Leeward to the Bay of Panama. 13th we saw the Island of
Gallo; the 18th we spied a Sail bearing W.N.W. of us, when we all three
gave chase, and took her in half an hour. 70 tons. Panama to Lima. Forty
people aboard, upon examining whom they could tell us little News from
Europe, but said that there came Advices from Portobello in Spain, and
by a French ship from France, not long before they came out of Panama;
but that was all kept private; only, they heard that his Royal Highness
the Duke of Cumberland was Dead, the which Sad Intelligence we were not
willing to Believe, but drank his Health at Night, which we thought
could do him no hurt even if he really happened to be Dead. By this time
we had gotten another Surgeon out of the _Delight_, whom we daily
exercised at his Instruments in the Cockpit, and his Mate at making of
Bandages and spreading of Ointment; and Captain Blokes (who was always
giving some fresh proof of Sagacity), just to try 'em, and imitate
business for 'em a little, ordered Red Lead, mixed with Water, to be
thrown on two of our Fellows, and sent 'em down to the Hold, when the
Surgeon, thinking they had really been wounded, went about to Dress
them; but the mistake being discovered, it was a very agreeable
Diversion.

After this we made sail to the Marias Islands (for I feel I must be
brief in this abstract of my Log, and must compress into a few pages the
events of many Months), and all November were cruising about Cape St.
Lucas in quest of Prizes. Christmas we spent in a very dismal manner;
for a Complaint, something akin to Mumps with Scurvy in the gums, and a
touch of Lockjaw to boot, broke out among us, and eight men died. Then
we engaged or took a very big Spaniard out of Manilla, 250 tons, and a
very rich Cargo, mostly in Gold-dust and embroidered Stuffs. January
10th, 1748-9, at anchor at Port Segura; and here, to our dismal dismay,
we heard that Peace had been proclaimed between Spain and England, and
that all our Privateering for the present was at an end. Then to
Acapulco in Mexico, seeing if we could do some honest trading; but at
all the Towns along the Coast they looked upon us as little better than
Pirates. But we felt a little comforted at the thought that we had
already taken some very rich Prizes, and my own part of the Plunder was
now over 1500_l._ January 11th, we weighed from Port Segura, and ran
towards the Island of Guam. Our Steward missing some pieces of Pork, we
immediately searched and found the Thieves. One of them had been guilty
before, and Forgiven on promise of Amendment; but was punished now, lest
Forbearance should encourage the rest to follow his bad practice.
Provisions being so short, and our run now so long, might, without great
caution, have brought evil consequences upon us. They (the Thieves) were
ordered to the Main-gear, and every man of the watch to give 'em a blow
with the Cat-o'-nine-tails. On the 14th of February, in commemoration of
the ancient English custom of choosing Valentines, a list was drawn up
of all the Fair Ladies in Bristol in any way related or concerned in our
Ships; and all the officers were sent for to the Cabin, where every one
drew, and drank his Valentine's health in a cup of Punch, and to a happy
sight of 'em all. This was done to put 'em in mind of Home.

From Guam, a very poor place, and the Natives uncommonly nasty, we
shaped our course to Ternate; and about the 2d of May saw land, which we
took for some of the Islands lying about the N.E. part of Celebes, but
were satisfied soon after that we were in the Straits of Guiana. 18th
May passed several Islands, and the South point of Gillolo. This was the
time of the S.E. Monsoon, which made Weather and Wind very uncertain.
May 25th we fell in with a parcel of Islands to the Eastward of Bouton,
an island where there is a kind of Indian King, very Savage and Warlike,
and with a considerable flotilla of Galleys. We traded with him, and
made good profit in the way of Barter; for these Savages will give gold
and Goods for the veriest trumpery that was ever picked up at a Groat
the handful at the hucksters' stalls in Barbican. From Bouton on the
11th June, having well watered and provisioned, and taken a Native
pilot on board, we sailed for Batavia, and on the 30th cast anchor in
the Road there. We waited on his Excellency the Governor-General (for
the States of Holland), and begged permission to refit our Ships, which
was granted. Many strange Humours now to be seen aboard. Some of the
crew hugging each other; others blessing themselves that they were come
to such a glorious place for Punch, where they could have Arrack for
Eightpence a Gallon; for now the Labour was worth more than the Liquor,
whereas, a few weeks since, a Bowl of Punch was worth more to them than
half the Voyage. Now we began to Careen, going over to Horn Island, and
a Sampan ready to heave down by, and take in our Guns, Carriages, &c.
Several of our men fell ill of Fevers, as they said, from drinking the
Water of the Island; but as Captain Blokes opined, more from the effects
of Arrack Punch at Eightpence a Gallon. All English ships are allowed by
the Government here half a leaguer of Arrack a day for ship's use per
man; but boats are not suffered to bring the least thing off shore
without being first severely searched. As to the town of Batavia, it
lies in a bay full of islands, which so break off the Sea, that though
the Road is very large, yet it is safe. The Banks of the Canals through
the City are paved with stones as far as the Boom, which is shut up
every night at nine o'clock, and guarded by Soldiers. All the Streets
are very well built and inhabited; fifteen of 'em have Canals just as in
Amsterdam and Rotterdam, and from end to end they reckon fifty-six
bridges. The vast number of Cocoa-nut trees in and about the City
everywhere afford delightful and profitable Groves. There are Hospitals,
Spin-houses, and so forth, as in Holland, where the idle and vicious are
set to work, and, when need arises, receive smart Discipline. The
Chinese have also a large Sick House, and manage their charity so well
that you never see a Chinaman looking despicable in the street. The
Dutch Women have greater privileges in India than in Holland, or,
indeed, anywhere else; for on slight occasions they are often divorced
from their Husbands, and share the Estate betwixt 'em. A Lawyer told me
at Batavia he had known, out of fifty-eight causes, all depending in the
Council Chamber, fifty-two of them were Divorces. The Governor's Palace
of Brick, very stately and well laid. He lives in as great splendour as
a king; he has a Train and Guards--viz. a Troop of Horse and a Company
of Foot with Halberds, in liveries of yellow satin adorned with silver
laces and fringe--to attend his Coach when he goes abroad. His Lady has
also her Guards and Train. The Javanese, or Ancient Natives, are
numerous, and said to be barbarous and proud, of a dark colour, with
flat faces, thin short Black hair, large eyebrows and cheeks. The Men
are strong-limbed, but the Women small. The Men have many Wives, and are
much given to lying and stealing. They are all Pagans, and worship
Devils. The Women tawny, sprightly, and Amorous, and very apt to give
poison to their Husbands when they can do it cunningly. There are at
least 10,000 Chinese who pay the Dutch a dollar a month for liberty to
wear their Hair, which they are not allowed to do at home since the
Tartars conquered 'em. There comes hither from China fourteen or sixteen
Junks a year, being flat-bottomed vessels. The Merchants come with their
goods, and marvellous queer folks they are. I don't think the whole City
is as large as Bristol; but 'tis much more populous.

October 12th. We, according to our Owners' orders to keep our Ships
full-manned, whether the War continued or not--and, oh, how we cursed
this plaguey Peace!--shipped here seventeen men that were Dutch. Though
we looked upon our hardships as being now pretty well over, several Ran
from us here that had come out of England with us, being straggling,
lazy, good-for-nothings, that can't leave their old Trade of deserting,
though now they had a good sum due to each of 'em for Wages. Their
shares for Plunder of course were forfeited, and equitably divided among
those that stuck by us. From this to the 23d we continued taking in
wood and water for our Passage to the Cape of Good Hope; and just before
we sailed held a Council on board the _Marquis_, by which 'twas agreed,
that if any of our Consorts should happen to part company, the one that
arrived first was to stay at the Cape twenty days; and, then, if they
didn't find the other Ships, to make their utmost despatch to the Island
of Helena; and if not there, to proceed, according to Owners' orders, to
Great Britain.

Nothing particular happened till the 27th December, when the _Marquis_
proved very Leaky, and rare work we had at the Pumps, they being most of
them choked up from long disuse. December 28th we came in sight of the
Lion's Head and Rump, being two Hills over the Cape Town. Saluted the
Dutch fortress with Nine Guns, and got but Three for thanks; it being
surprising what airs these Pipe-smoking, Herring-curing, Cheese-making,
Twenty-breeches Gentry give themselves. 29th, we moored Ship, and sent
our Sick ashore. We stayed here until the end of February, when we went
into Sardinia Bay to Careen; for a Survey of Carpenters had reported
very badly concerning the Leak. 27th Feb. we had a good rummage for Bale
Goods to dispose of ashore, having leave of the Governor, and provided a
Store-house, where I and the Supercargo of the _Delight_ took it by
turns weekly during the sale of 'em. 28th March came in a Portugee
frigate, with news that Five stout French Ships had attempted Rio
Janeiro, but were repulsed, and had a great number of men killed, with
over 400 taken prisoners by the Portuguese.

April 5th we hoisted a Blue Ensign, loosened our Fore Topsail, and fired
a Gun as a Signal for our Consorts to unmoor, and so fell down to Robin
and Penguin Islands.

_Memorandum._--We buried four while at the Cape; eight ran away to be
eaten up, as we heartily hoped, by the Hottentots, who have a great
gusto for White Man's Flesh; but reject <DW64>s as too strong and
Aromatic; to say little of the major number of our Ship's Companies
getting Married to Black Wenches. But there's no Doctors' Commons at
Cape Town; and the best Way of Divorce is by shoving off a boat from
Shore, and leaving your Wife behind you. _Item._--The Dutch generally
send a Ship every year to Madagascar for Slaves to supply their
Plantations; for the said beastly Hottentots have their Liberty and Ease
so much, that they cannot be brought to work, even though they should
Starve (which they do pretty well all the year round) for the lack of
it. Here, too, we spoke with an Englishman and an Irishman, that had
been several years with the famous Madagascar Pirates, but were now
pardoned, and allowed to settle here. They told us that these Miserable
Wretches, who once made such a Noise in the World, dwindled away one by
one, most of them very poor and despicable, even to the Natives, among
whom they had Married. They added, that they had no Embarkations, only
mere Canoes and Rowboats in Madagascar; so that these Pirates (so long a
terrible Bugbear to peaceable Merchantmen) are now become so
inconsiderable as to be scarcely worth mentioning; yet I do think that
if care be not always taken after a Peace to clear all out-of-the-way
Islands of these piratical Vermin, and hinder others from joining them,
it may prove a Temptation for loose scampish Fellows to resort thither,
and make every Creek in the Southern Seas a troublesome nest of
Freebooters.

The Cape having been so frequently described, I shall only add that the
Character of the Hottentots, at which I have hinted, has been found to
be too True, that they scarce deserve to be reckoned of the Human Kind:
they are such a nasty, ill-looking, and worse-smelling people. Their
Apparel is the Skins of Beasts; their chief Ornament is to be very
Greasy and Black; so that they besmear themselves with an abominable
Oil, mixed with Tallow and Soot; and the Women twist the Entrails of
Beasts or Thongs of Hides round their legs, which resemble Rolls of
Tobacco. Here's plenty, however, of all kinds of Flesh and Fowl;
there's nothing wanting at the Cape of Good Hope for a good subsistence;
nor is there any place more Commodious for a Retirement to such as would
be out of the Noise of the World, than the adjacent country in the
possession of the Dutch.

Nothing of note happened till May 1st, only that sometimes we had
Thunder, Lightning, Rain, and Squalls of Wind. On the 7th we made the
Island of Ascension, S. Lat. 8.2. On the 14th at noon we found we had
just crossed the Equator, being the eighth time we had done so in our
course round the World. We had a Dutch Squadron with us, who expected
Convoy Rates, and all manner of Civilities from us, though there was now
Peace, and we wanted nothing from 'em; but 'tis always the way with this
Grasping and Avaricious People. Soon too we observed that the Dutch
ships began to scrape and clean their sides, painting and polishing and
beeswaxing 'em inside and out, bending new sails, and the very Mariners
putting on half a dozen pair of new breeches apiece. This it is their
custom to do as they draw near home; so that they look as if newly come
out of Holland.

On the morning of the 15th July we made Fair Island and Foul Island,
lying off Shetland; and sighted two or three Fishing Doggers cruising
off the Islands. Having little wind, we lay by, and the Inhabitants came
off with what Provisions they had; but they are very poor people, wild
and savage, subsisting chiefly on Fish. When that provision fails, I
have heard they live on Seaweed.

We being, so to speak, in charge, although unwillingly, of the Dutch
Squadron, which had been willy-nilly our Convoy, were compelled to put
into a port of Holland instead of into a British one, as we had fondly
hoped. On the 23rd July the Dutch Commodore made a signal for seeing
Land, and the whole fleet answered him with all their colours. The
Pilot-boat coming off, we took two aboard, and about noon parted with
some of our Dutch Consorts that were Rotterdam and Middleburg ships. We
gave 'em a Huzza and a half in derision, and our Trumpet and Hautboy
were for striking up the Rogue's March; but this was forbidden by the
Sagacious Captain Blokes. Some English ships now hove in sight, and
saluted the Dutch Commodore; and afterwards we, though with an ill
grace, saluted his Worship to welcome in sight of the land, which by
right belongs to the Rats (though I have little doubt that for all the
Vandykes and Vandams the long-whiskered Gentry will come to their own
again some of these fine days). As soon as they got over the Bar the
Dutchmen fired all their guns for joy at their safe arrival in their own
country, which they very affectionately call Fatherland; and, indeed, it
was not easy under these circumstances to be angry with the Poor Souls
that had been so long at Sea, and wandering about Strange Lands. At 8 at
night we came to an anchor in 6-fathom water, about 2 miles off shore.

On the 24th, in the morning, the Dutch Flag-ship weighed, in order to go
up to the unlivering place. In the afternoon Captain Blokes sent me
ashore, and up to Amsterdam, with a letter for our Owners' Agents, to
ask how we were to act and proceed from hence. Coming back with
instructions from the Agent (one Mr. Vandepeereboom, who made me
half-fuddled with Schiedam drinking to our prosperous return; but he was
a very Civil Gentleman, speaking English to admiration, and had a
monstrous pretty Housekeeper, with eyes as bright as her own Pots and
Pans), by Consent of our Council we discharged such men as we had
shipped at Batavia and the Cape, and sold the half-dozen <DW64>s we had
from time to time picked up for about a Hundred Dollars apiece. But this
last had to be managed by private Contract, and somewhat under the Rose;
for their High Mightinesses, the States-General, allow no Slaves to be
sold openly in Amsterdam.

On the 10th we went up to the Vlieder, which is a better Road than the
Texel, and then to Amsterdam again, where Captain Blokes and his chief
officers had to make Affidavits before a Notary Public to the truth of
an Abstract of our Voyage, the which I had drawn up from the Log of the
_Marquis_, to justify our proceedings to our own Government in answer to
what the East India Company had to allege against us; they being, as we
were informed, resolved to trouble us on pretence that we had Encroached
upon their Charter. On the 31st August comes Mr. Vandepeereboom on board
to take Account of what Plate, Gold, and Pearl was in the Ship; and on
the 5th September he took his leave of us.

But not of me; for as I had been much with him ever since we had lain at
Amsterdam, we had become great Chums, and he had persuaded me not to
return just yet to England, but to remain with him in Holland, and
become his partner in Mercantile Adventure, that should not necessitate
my going to Sea again. And by this time, to tell truth, I was heartily
sick of being Tossed and Tumbled about by the Waves. No man could say
that I had not done my Duty during my momentous Voyage round the World.
I had worked as hard as any Moose on board the _Marquis_, doing
hand-work and head-work as well. I had been Wounded, had had two Fevers
and one bout of Scurvy; but was seldom in such evil case as to shirk
either my Duty or my Grog. I prudently redoubted the Chances of
returning in haste to my native Country, for, although being alone in
the world, and the marriage with Madam Taffetas not provable in Law,
with no other Domestic Troubles to grieve me, I knew from long
experience what Ducks and Drakes Seafaring men do make of their money
coming home from a long voyage with their heads empty and their pockets
full, and was determined that what I had painfully gathered from the
uttermost Ends of the Earth should not be riotously and unprofitably
squandered in the Taverns of Wapping and Rotherhithe. Mr. Vandepeereboom
entering with me into the State of his Affairs, proved, as far as Ledger
and Cash-book could prove any thing, that he was in a most prosperous
way of business, in the Dutch East India trade, of which by this time I
knew something; so that, although Captain Blokes was loth to part with
his old Shipmate and Secretary, he was yet glad to see me better myself.
And in truth Mr. Vandepeereboom's Housekeeper was marvellous pretty. I
drew my Pay and Allowances, which amounted to but a small matter; but to
my great Joy and Gladness I found that my share of the Plunder from our
Prizes and the Ransom of Guayaquil came to Twenty Hundred Pounds. The
order for this sum was duly transferred to me, and lodged to my Account
in the Bank of Amsterdam, then the most famous Corporation of Cofferers
(since that of Venice began to decline) in Europe. I bade farewell to
Captain Blokes and all my Messmates; left Twenty Pounds to be divided
among the Ship's Company (for which they manned Shrouds and gave me
three Huzzas as the Shoreboat put off); and after a last roaring Carouse
on board the _Marquis_, gave up for Ever my berth in the gallant Craft
in which I had sailed round the World.


FOOTNOTE:

[A] There is a River in Macedon and a River in Monmouth, and more
Malagas than one.




CHAPTER THE FOURTH.

OF THE SINGULAR MISFORTUNES WHICH BEFELL ME IN HOLLAND.


'TWAS no such very bad Title for a Mercantile Firm, "Vandepeereboom and
Dangerous." Aha, Rogues! will you call me Pauper, Card-sharper,
Led-Captain, Half-penny-Jack, now? Who but I was Mynheer Jan van
Dangerous? (I took my Gentility out of my Trunk, as the Spanish Don did
his Sword when the Sun shone and there were Pistoles galore, and added
the Van as a prefix to which I was entitled by Lineage.) Who but I was a
wealthy and prosperous Merchant of Amsterdam, the richest city in
Holland? Soon was I well known and Capped to, as one that could order
wine, and pay for it, at the sign of the Amsterdam Wappen, the great
Inn here.

Although 'tis now nigh thirty years since, I do preserve the pleasantest
remembrance of my life in the Low Countries; for, albeit hating the
Dutch when I was Poor, I grew to like 'em as a reputable Merchant
Adventurer. 'Twas but a small matter prevented me from setting up my
Coach, and was only hindered by the fact that the Police Laws of
Amsterdam are very strict against Wheeled carriages, allowing only a
certain and very small number, lest the rumbling of the Wheels should
disturb the good thrifty Burghers at their Accompts. For most vehicles
they have what they call a Sley, which is the body of a Coach fastened
on to a Sledge with ropes, and drawn by one Horse. A Fellow walks by the
side on't, and holds on with one hand to prevent its falling over, while
with the other he manages the Reins. A most melancholy Machine this,
moving at the rate of about Three miles an hour, and makes you think
that you are in a Hospital Conveyance, or else going on a Hurdle to be
Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered.

This Amsterdam is the famous town built upon Wooden Piles, as is also
Petersburg, and in some order Venice; and from its Timber supports, gave
rise to the sportive saying of Erasmus when he first came hither, that
he had reached a City where the Citizens lived, like Crows, upon the
tops of Trees. And again he waggishly compared Amsterdam to a maimed
Soldier, as having Wooden Legs. This Erasmus was, I conjecture, a kind
of Schoolmaster, and very learned; but conceited, as are most Bookish
Persons.

A Dutchman will save any thing; and this rich place has all come out of
saving the Mud, and starving the Fishes. Here Traffic is wooed as though
she were a Woman, and Gold is put to bed with Time, and there is much
joy over their Bantling, which is christened Interest. A strange,
cleanly, money-grubbing Country of Botanic Gardens and Spitting-pans,
universal Industry and Tobacco-pipes, Gingerbread and Sawing-mills,
Tulip-roots and the Strong Waters of Schiedam, Cheese, Red Herrings, and
the Protestant Religion. Peculiar to these People is the functionary
called the Aansprecker, a kind of human Bird of Evil Omen, who goes
about in a long Black Gown and a monstrous Cocked Hat with a Crape
depending from it, to inform the Friends and Acquaintances of Genteel
Persons of any one being Dead. This Aansprecker pays very handsome
Compliments to the Departed, at so many Stuyvers the Ounce of Butter;
and this saves the Dutch (who are very frugal towards their Dead) from
telling lies upon their Tombstones. When a Man quits, they wind up his
Accounts, strike a Balance, and go on to a fresh Folio in the Ledger
without carrying any thing forward. At Marriage-time, also, is it the
custom among Persons of Figure for the Bride and Bridegroom to send
round Bottles of Wine, generally fine Hock, well spiced and sugared, and
adorned with all sorts of Ribbons. They have also a singular mode of
airing their Linen and Beds, by means of what they call a Trokenkorb,
or Fire-basket, which is of the size and shape of a Magpie's Cage, and
within it is a pan filled with burning Turf, and the Linen is spread
over the Wicker-frame; or, to air the Bed, the whole Machine is placed
between the Sheets. Nay, there are sundry Dowager Fraws who do warm
their Legs with this same Trokenkorb, using it as though it were a
footstool; and considering the quantity of Linsey Woolsey they wear, I
wonder there are not more Fires. To guard against this last, there are
Persons appointed whose office it is to remain all day and all night in
the Steeples of the highest Churches; and as soon as they spy a Flame,
they hang out a Flag if it's Day, or a Lantern if at Night, towards the
quarter where the Fire is, blowing a Trumpet lustily meanwhile.

Eating and Drinking here very good, save the Water, which is so Brackish
that it is not drunk even by the Common People. There are
Water-Merchants constantly occupied in supplying the City with
drinkable Water, which they bring in Boats from Utrecht and Germany in
large stone Bottles, that cost you about Eightpence a-piece English. The
Poor, who cannot afford it, drink Rain-water, which gives rise to the
merry saying, that a Dutchman's Mouth is for ever open, either to
swallow down Smoke or to drink up Rain. And indeed they are a
wide-gaping Generation.

Being as yet a Bachelor, I agreed for my Lodging and Victuals with Mr.
Vandepeereboom, who had a fair House, very stately, on one of the Canals
behind the Heeren Gragt, or Lord's Street. 'Twould have had quite a
princely appearance, but for a row of Elms in front, which, with their
fan, almost concealed the Mansion. The noble look of the House, too, was
somewhat spoilt by its being next door to a shop where they sold Drugs;
which like all others of this trade in Holland, had for a sign a huge
Carved Head, with the mouth wide open, in front of the window: sometimes
it rudely resembles a Mercury's Head, and at other times has a Fool's
Cap upon it. This clumsy sign is called _de Gaaper_,--the Gaper,--and I
know not the origin of it. Some of the Shop-boards they call _Uithang
Borden_, and have ridiculous Verses written upon them; and 'tis singular
to mark how much of the Jackpudding these Dutchmen, who are keener than
Jews in their Cash-matters, have in them.

Mr. Vandepeereboom was high in the College of Magistrates, and I was
ofttimes privileged to witness with him the administration of Justice
and the infliction of its Dread Awards,--all here very Decent and
Solemn. The Awful Sentence of Death is delivered in a room on the
basement-floor of the Stadt House: the entrance through a massy
folding-door covered with brass Emblems, such as Jove's Beams of
Lightning, and Flaming Swords; above, between the Rails, are the old and
new City Arms; and at the bottom are Death's Heads and Bones. The inside
of the Hall, mighty handsome, in white Marble, and proper History pieces
of the Judgment of Solomon, and Zeleucus the Locrian King tearing out
one of his Eyes to save one of his Son's, and Junius Brutus putting his
children to Death. On the fore part of the Judgment-seat a fine Marble
Statue of Silence, gallantly, but quite falsely, represented by the
figure of a Woman on the ground, her finger to her lips, and two
Children by her, Weeping over a Death's Head. When the dire Doom of
Death is about to be pronounced, the Criminal is brought into this Hall,
guarded; and nothing is omitted in point of solemnity to impress on his
mind (poor wretch!) and on those about him the awful consequences of
violating the Laws of the Country; which is a much better mode, I think,
of striking Terror into 'em than the French way, where the Magistrates
settle the Sentence among themselves in private, and the _Greffier_
comes all of a sudden into the unhappy Person's Cell to tell him that he
is to be presently Executed; or even our Old Bailey fashion (though the
Black Cap is frightful), where the Culprit is more or less sent to Hang
like a Dog,--one down, another come up; and Jack Ketch Drunk all the
while with burnt Brandy. 'Twas a thorough knowledge of Human Nature,
too, that thought of placing this Dutch hall of Justice on the
ground-floor, and its Brazen Door opening into a common Thoroughfare
through the Stadt House. I never passed by this door without seeing
numbers of the Lower Orders of people gazing wistfully through the Rails
upon the emblematic objects within, apparently in Melancholy Meditation,
and reflecting upon the Ignominious Effects of deviating from the Paths
of Virtue.

Out of the Burgomaster's parlour in the same building is a passage to
the Execution Chamber, or Hall of the Last Prayers, where the Condemned
take leave of their Clergy, and pass through a Window, the lower part of
Wood, so that it opens level with the floor of the Scaffold, which is
constructed on the outside, opposite the Waag or Weigh House.

As associate of one of the Magistrates, I often visited the Dungeons
beneath the Stadt House, which are hermetically Sealed unto all
Strangers. As places of Confinement, nothing can be more secure; as
places of punishment, nothing more Horrible. Here, by the faint light of
a Rush Candle, you gaze only on Emaciated Figures, while out of the Dark
Shadows issue faint but dismal Groans. Some are here condemned to linger
for Life; yet have I known convicted Creatures in this Rat's hole as
merry as French Dancing-Masters, whistling, trolling, and gambolling in
the Dark; while in the next cell were a number of Women, who, like the
general of their sex when in Durance, did nothing but Yell and tear
their Clothes to Pieces. But 'tis true that all confined in these
dreadful places had committed crimes of a very Malignant nature, and
which heartily warranted their being thus cut off from Light and Air,
and immured in Regions fit only to be Receptacles for the Dead. Under
the Hall of Justice is likewise the Torture Chamber, where Miserable
Creatures, at the bidding of their Barbarous Judges, undergo a variety
of Torments; one of which is to fasten the Hands behind the Neck with a
cord through pulleys secured to the vaulted Ceiling, so as to be jerked
up and down. Weights of Fifty Pounds each are then suspended to the
Feet, until anguish overpowers the senses, and a Confession of Guilt is
heard to quiver on the lips. Public Punishments are inflicted only Four
Times a Year, when a vast Scaffold is erected in the Space between the
Stadt House and Waag House, as before mentioned. Those that are only to
be Whipped endure that compliment with Merciless Severity, and are not
permitted to Retire till those who are to Die have suffered, which is
either by Decapitation or by the Rope. And this acts as a Warning as to
what will happen to 'em next time. On this occasion the Chief
Magistrates attend in their Robes. But though Strict, they are mighty
Just in administering their Laws, and will not permit the least
deviation or aggravation of the Sentence meted out. I did hear of one
jocular Rogue, that was condemned, for the murder of half-a-dozen women
and children, to have his Head severed from the Trunk at one stroke of
the Sword. This Mynheer Merry-Andrew, previous to quitting the Prayer
Chamber, lays a Wager with a Friend that the Executioner should not be
able to perform his office according to the exact terms of the Sentence.
So, the moment he knelt to receive the Fatal Stroke, he rolled his Head
in every direction so violently and rapidly, that the Headsman could not
hit him with any chance of severing his Neck at once; and after many
fruitless aims, was obliged to renounce the Task. The Officers who were
to see the Sentence executed were now in a Great Dilemma. In vain did
they try by argument to persuade the Fellow to remain still, and have
his Head quietly taken off. At last he was remanded back to Prison, and
after an hour's deliberation the presiding Magistrate, upon his own
Responsibility, ordered the Gallows to be brought out, and the Fellow to
be straightway Hanged thereupon; which was done, to the contentment of
the Populace, who were howling with Rage at the fear of being deprived
of their Sport. But the strait-laced Dutch Judges and Lawyers all took
alarm, and declared that the Fellow had been murdered; and nothing but
the high rank and character of the Magistrate preserved him from
grievous consequences.

They observe, however, degrees in their Punishments, and are, even in
extreme cases, averse from Bloodshed, and willing to try all ways with a
criminal before Hanging or Beheading him. Thus have they their famous
Rasphuys for the Confinement and Correction of those whose Crimes are
not capital. Over the Gate are some insignificant painted wooden
figures, representing Rogues sawing Log-wood, and Justice holding a Rod
over them; and the like of these, with figures of scourging and
branding, they stick up in their Public Walks and Gardens, to show what
is Done to those who pluck the Flowers or carve Names upon the Trunks of
the Trees, and it has a most wholesome effect in frightening Evil-doers.
So in the Yard of the Rasphuys is a Whipping-post in Terrorem, with
another little figure of Justice flagrant with Execution. Here the
Rogues saw Campeachy-wood, which seems to be most toilsome work; and
yet by practice they can saw Two Hundred Pounds' weight every week with
ease, and also make many little Articles in Straw, Wood, Bone, and
Copper, to sell to Visitors. They are all clad in White Woollen, which,
when they are stained with the Red Sawdust, gives them a Hobgoblin kind
of appearance. Here too, in a corner of the Yard, they show the Cell in
which if the person who was confined in it did not incessantly Pump out
the Water let into it, he must inevitably be Drowned; but this Engine,
the Gaolers said, had not been used for many Years, and was only kept up
as an object of Terror.

In the east quarter of Amsterdam, Justice is administered in its mildest
form; there being the Workhouse close to the Muider Gragt, a place
which, I believe, has not its parallel in the whole World. 'Tis partly
Correctional and partly Charitable; and when I saw it, there were Seven
Hundred and Fifty Persons within the Walls, the yearly expense being
about One Hundred Thousand Florins. In the rooms belonging to the
Governors and Directresses some exquisite Paintings by Van Dyck,
Rembrandt, and Jordaens; and, indeed, you can go scarcely any where in
Holland, from a Pig-stye to a Palace, without finding Paintings. Here,
in a vast room very cleanly kept, are an immense number of Women
occupied in Sewing and Spinning. Among them I saw once a fine
hearty-looking Irishwoman, who had been Confined here two whole Years,
for being a little more fond of true Schiedam Gin than her lawful
Spouse. In another vast Apartment, secured by many Iron Railings and
Grated Windows, are the Female Convicts in the highest state of
Discipline, and very industriously and silently engaged in making Lace,
under the superintendence of a Governess. From the Walls of the Boom are
suspended Instruments of Punishment, such as Scourges, Gags, and
Manacles, the which are not spared upon the slightest appearance of
Insubordination. Then there are Wards for the Men, Schoolrooms for a
vast number of Children, and Dormitories, all in the highest state of
Neatness. In another part of the Building, which only the Magistrates
are permitted to visit, are usually detained ten or a dozen Young
Ladies--some of very high Families--sent here by their Parents or
Friends for undutiful Deportment, or some other Domestic Offence. They
are compelled to wear a particular Dress as a mark of Degradation; are
kept apart; forced to work a certain number of hours a day; and are
occasionally Whipped. Here, too, upon complaints of Extravagance,
Tipsiness, &c., duly proved, can Husbands send their Wives, to be
confined and receive the Discipline of the House; _and hither, too, can
Wives send their Husbands for the same Cause, for Two, Three, and Four
Years together, till they show signs of amended Behaviour_. The Food is
abundant, and good; but the Work is hard, and the Stripes are many.
Might not such a course be tried with advantage in England, to abate and
cure the frivolities and extravagances of Fashionable People?

So then, as an Honourable Merchant in a city and country where Commerce
is reckoned among the noblest of Pursuits, I might, but for my Perverse
Fate, have grown Rich, and taken unto myself a Dutch Wife, and had a
Brood of little Broad-beamed Children, that should smoke their Tobacco
and quaff their Schiedam, even from their Cradle upwards. Indeed, Madam
Vanderkipperhaerin of Gouda (the place where the Cows feed in the
Meadows clad in Blue-striped Jackets and Petticoats) was pleased to look
upon me with Eyes of Favour, and often said it was a Sin and Shame that
such a Proper Man as I (as she was good enough to say) was not Married
and Settled. And, indeed, why not? I ofttimes asked myself. I had
Florins, Guilders, and Stuyvers in abundance; my Partner was a
Magistrate, and well reputed worthy: why should I not give Hostages to
Fortune, and have done for good and all with the Life of a Roving
Bachelor? By this time (although by no means forgetting my own dear
native Tongue) I spoke French with Ease and Fluency, if not with
Grammatical correctness; and had likewise an indifferently copious
acquaintance with the Hollands Dialect. Why should not I be a
Magistrate, a Burgomaster? Madam Vanderkipperhaerin was Rich, and had a
beautiful Summer Villa all glistening with Bee's-waxed Campeachy-wood
and Polished Brass on the River Amstel, some three miles from the City.
She had a whole Cabinet full of Ostades and Jan Steens in ebony frames,
and a Side-board of Antique Plate that might have made Cranbourn Alley
jealous. Why did not I avail myself of the many Propitious Moments that
offered, and demand the Hand of that most respectable Dutch Dame.

The Melancholy Truth is, that she chose to be jealous of Betje, Mr.
Vandepeereboom's comely Housekeeper, upon whom I declare that I had
never cast any thing but innocently Paternal Glances, and utterly deny
that I ever foregathered with that young Fraw. She was for moving Mr.
Vandepeereboom to have Betje sent to the Workhouse, there to be set to
Spinning, and to receive the usual unhandsome Treatment; and when he
refused,--having, in truth, no fault to find with the Poor
Girl,--Madam, in a Huff, withdrew her Countenance and Favour from me,
and, with sundry of her spiteful gossips, revived the old Story of my
having several Wives alive in different parts of Europe and the New
World. Surely there was never yet a man so exposed to calumny as poor
John Dangerous!

Then, to make matters worse, there came that sad Affair of the Beguine.
Flesh and blood! a mortal man (I suppose) is not to be reckoned among
the vilest of Humanity because he falls in Love. How could I help
Wilhelmina van Praag being a Beguine? Moreover, a Beguine is not a Nun.
The Beguines belong to a modified kind of Monastic Order. They reside in
a large House with a wall and ditch around it, and that has a Church and
Hospital inside, and is for all the world like a little Town. But the
Sisterhood is perfectly secular; they mingle with the inhabitants of the
city, quit the Convent when they choose, and even marry when they are so
minded; but they are obliged, so long as they belong to the Order, to
attend Prayers a certain number of times a day, and to be within the
Convent-walls at a stated hour every evening. To be admitted to this
Order, they must be either unmarried or widows without children; and the
only certificate required of them is that of Good Behaviour, and that
they have a Competence to live upon. You may ask, if this almost entire
Liberty be granted them, what there was to hinder Mynheer Jan van
Dangerous and the Fair Beguine Wilhelmina van Praag from coming together
as Man and Wife? Wilhelmina was the comeliest Creature (save one) that I
have ever seen; and, but that she was a little Stout, would have passed
as the living model for the St. Catherine which Signor Raphael the
Painter did so well in Oils. I don't think I loved her; but she took my
Fancy immensely, and meeting her in the houses of divers Honourable
Families in Amsterdam, 'tis not to be concealed that I courted her with
much assiduity. This, by some mischief-making Persons, was held to be
highly compromising to the Fair Beguine. For all that I had become a
Grave Merchant, there was yet somewhat of the Gentleman of the Sword and
Adventurer on the High Seas about me; and a great hulking Cousin of the
young Fraw, that was a Lieutenant in their High Mightinesses Land
Forces,--the Amphibious Grenadiers I call 'em, and more used to
Salt-water than Salt-petre,--must needs challenge me to the Duello. The
laws against private warfare being very strict in Holland, we were
obliged to make a journey into Austrian Flanders, to Arrange our
Difficulty; and meeting on the borders of the Duchy of Luxembourg,
I--Well, is Jack Dangerous to be blamed for that he was, in the prime of
Life, an approved Master of Fence?

The Lieutenant being dead of his Wounds (received in perfectly fair
fight), the whole City of Amsterdam must needs cry out that I had
murdered the Man; and the Families who had once been eager to receive me
turned their backs upon me. Then the Fair Beguine must go into a craze;
and, upon my word, when I heard how Mad she was, and how they had been
obliged to shut her up in the Hospital, I could not help thinking of the
History of my Grandmother, and did mistrust meeting the young Fraw van
Praag again (for she was very Sweet, I believe, with the Spark that
forced me to fight with him), for fear that she should Pistol me. But
she did not; and Recovered, to marry a very Wealthy Shipmaster named
Druyckx.

While this Ugly Business was the talk of all tongues (but Mr.
Vandepeereboom clapped me on the Shoulder, and bade me take my Diversion
while he minded Business, for that all would Blow Over soon), I took an
Excursion ('twas in the third year of my Residence here) into North
Holland, to visit the famous village of Brock. Here the streets are
divided by little Rivulets, for all the world like Lilliputian Canals;
the Houses and Summer-houses all of Wood, painted Green and White, very
handsome, albeit whimsical in their shape, and scrupulously neat. The
Inhabitants have a peculiar association among themselves, and scarcely
ever admit a Stranger within their Doors. During my stay I only saw the
Faces of two of 'em, and then only by a stealthy Peep. They are said to
be very rich, and in some of their Kitchens to have Pots and Pans of
solid Gold. The Shutters of the Windows always kept closed, and the
Householders go to and fro by a Back Door, the Principal Entrance being
opened only at Marriages and Deaths. The Street Pavement all set out
with Pebbles and Cockleshells, and no Dogs or Cats were seen to trespass
upon it; and formerly there was a law to oblige all Passengers to take
off their Shoes. Here it was that a Man was once Convened and
Reprimanded for Sneezing in the Streets; and, latterly, a Parson, I
heard, upon being appointed to fill the Church on the Demise of an old
Predecessor, gave great offence to his Flock for not taking off his
Shoes when he ascended the Pulpit. The Gardens of this strange Village
produce Deer, Dogs, Peacocks, Chairs, and Ladders, all cut out in Box. I
never saw such a Museum of vegetable Statuary in my Life before. On the
whole, Brock resembles a trim, sprightly Ball-room, all garnished,
lighted up, and the floor well chalked, but not a Soul to Scrape Fiddle
or Foot Minuet. Farther from here is Saardam, which, at a distance,
looks like a City of Windmills.

_Item._--I forgot to say, that at Brock they tie up the Cows' Tails with
Blue Ribbons.

The Houses of Saardam are principally built of Wood, and every one has a
Fantastic kind of Baby Garden. Here is the Wooden Hut where Peter the
Great lived, when he wrought as a Shipwright in the Navy-yard. It stands
in a Garden, and is in Decent Preservation. The women in North Holland
are said to be handsomer than in any other part of the country; but I
was out of taste with Beauty when I came hither, and could see naught
but ugly Faces.

So, coming back to Amsterdam, I found that Mr. Vandepeereboom's
Prediction was fulfilled with a Vengeance, and with Compound Interest.
The Business of the Beguine had Blown Over; but another affair had
Blown On, and this very speedily ended in a Blow Up. I am sorry to say
that this Fairspoken and seemingly Reputable Mr. Vandepeereboom turned
out to be a very Great Rogue. Our Firm was in the Batavian trade,
dealing in fine Spices, Nutmegs, Cloves, Mace, Cinnamon, and so forth;
also in Rice, Cotton, and Pepper; and especially in the Java Coffee,
which is held to be second only to that of Arabia. In this branch of
Trade the Dutch have no competition, and they are able to keep the price
of their Spices as high as they choose, by ordering what remains unsold
at the price they have fixed upon it to be Burnt. How it came to pass
that the Spice Ships consigned to us were all wrecked on the High Seas
and never insured; that the Batavian Merchants, to whom we advanced
money on their Consignments, all failed dismally; that every Speculation
we entered into went against us, and that we always burnt our Surplus
Goods just as prices were about to rise,--I know not; but certain it is,
that I had not been three weeks back in Amsterdam before the House of
Vandepeereboom and Dangerous went Bankrupt. Now 'tis an ugly thing to be
Bankrupt in Holland. The people are so thrifty and persevering, and so
jealous of keeping their Engagements, that the very rarity of Insolvency
makes it Scandalous. A Trading Debtor being a character very seldom to
be met with, he is held in more Odium in Holland than in any other part
of Europe. Yet are their Laws of Arrest milder than with us in England,
where for a matter of Forty Shillings an Honest Man becomes the prey of
a Catchpole, and for years after he has paid the Debt itself, with
exorbitant Costs to some Knavish Limb of the Law, may still continue to
Rot in Gaol for the Keeper's Fees or Garnish. Here, if the Debtor be a
Citizen or Registered Burgher (as I was), he is not subject to have his
Person seized at the suit of his Creditors, until three regular
Summonses have been duly served upon him to appear in the Court, which
Processes are completed in about a month; after which, if he does not
obey it, he may be laid hold of, but only when he has quitted his House;
for in Holland a Man's Dwelling is held even more sacred than in
England, and no Writ or Execution whatever is capable of being served
upon him so long as he keeps close, or even if he stands on the
threshold of his Home. In this Sanctuary he may set at Defiance every
Claimant; but if he have the Hardihood to appear Abroad, the Sergeants
collar him forthwith. But even in this case he goes not to a common Gaol
or Prison for Felons, but to a House of Restriction, where he is
properly entreated, and maintained with Liberal Humanity; the Expense of
which, as well as the Proceedings, must all be defrayed by the
Creditors. This regards only the private Gentleman Debtor; but woe
betide the Fraudulent Trader! The Bankrupt Laws of Holland differ from
ours in this respect, that all the Creditors must sign the Debtor's
Certificate, or Agreement of Liberation. If any decline, the Ground of
their Refusal is submitted to Arbitrators, who decide as to the merits
of the case; and if the Broken Merchant be found to be a Cheat, no
Mercy is shown him. The Rasphuys, the Pillory, nay, even the Dungeons
beneath the Stadt House, may be his Doom.

This, Mr. Vandepeereboom (being a born Dutchman) knew very well; and he
waited neither for Deliberations as to his Certificate, nor for
Arbitrators' award. He e'en showed his Creditors a clean Pair of Heels,
and took Shipping for Harwich in England. I believe he afterwards
prospered exceedingly in London as a Crimp, or Purveyor of Men for the
Sea-Service, and submitted to the East India Company many notable plans
for injuring the Commerce of the Hollanders. I have likewise reason to
think that he did me a great deal of harm amongst my late Owners at
Bristol and elsewhere, saying that I had been the Ruin of him with
Wasteful Extravagance and Deboshed Ways, and that but for his
Intercession I should have been Broken on the Wheel for unhandsome
Behaviour to the Fair Beguine. Ere he flitted, he left me a Letter, in
which he had the Impudence to tell me that he had long since drawn out
my Account from the Bank of Amsterdam, thinking himself much better able
to take care of the Money than I was. Furthermore he contemptuously
advised me to try some other line than Commerce, for which I was,
through my Former Career--or Vagabond Habits, as he had the face to call
it--in no wise Fitted. Finally, he ironically wished me a Good
Deliverance from the hands of the Assessors of the Commercial Tribunal,
and, with a Devilish Sneer, recommended his Housekeeper Betje to my
care. O Mr. Vandepeereboom, Mr. Vandepeereboom! if ever we meet again,
old as I am, there shall be Weeping in Holland for you--if, indeed,
there be anybody left to shed tears for such a Worthless Rascal.

This most Dishonest Person, however, did me unwittingly a trifle of
good, and at all events saved me from Gyves and Stripes. That Passage of
his in the Letter about my Funds in the Bank of Amsterdam was my
Deliverance. 'Twas widely known that I was but a simple Seafaring Man,
unused to Mercantile Affairs, and that I had really brought with me the
considerable Sum of Twenty Hundred Pounds. I was arrested, it is true,
and lay for many Months in the House of Restriction; but interest was
made for me, and the Creditors of the Broken House agreed to sign a
Certificate of Liberation. I believe that but for that mournful business
of the Beguine, and for that confounded Officer that I sworded, some of
the Wealthy Merchants would have subscribed to an Association for
setting me up again; but that Rencounter was remembered to my hurt, and,
says Mynheer van Bommel, when he brought me my Certificate, "Hark ye,
Friend Englander; you are Free this time. Take my advice, and get you
out of Holland as quick as ever you can; for their High Mightinesses, to
say nothing of the Worshipful Burgomasters of this City, have a
misliking for Men that are too quick with the Sword and too slow with
the Pen; and if you don't speedily mend your way of Life, and bid
farewell to this Country, you will find yourself sawing of
Campeachy-wood at the Rasphuys, with Dirk Juill, the Beadle, standing
over you with a Thong." Upon which I thanked him heartily; and he had
the Generosity to lend me Fifty Florins to furnish my present needs.

I was no longer a Young Man. I was now long past my fortieth year, again
almost a Pauper, Friendless and Unknown in the World; yet did I feel
Undaunted, and confident that Better Days were in store for me. Pouching
my Fifty Florins, I first followed the Burgomaster's advice by getting
out of Holland as quick as ever I could, and betook myself by
Treyckshuyt and Stage Wagon to the city of Bruxelles in Brabant. Here I
abode for some months in the house of a clean Widow-woman that was a
Walloon, who, finding that I was English, and, besides, a very tolerable
French Scholar, procured me several Pupils among the Tradesfolk in the
neighbourhood of the Petit Sablon (hard by the Archduchess Governante's
Palace), where I dwelt on a Sixth Floor. By degrees I did so increase my
number of Pupils, that I was able to open a School of some thirty Lads
and Lasses. To both indifferently I taught the Languages, with Writing
and Accompts; while for the instruction of the latter in Needlework and
other Feminine Accomplishments I engaged my Landlady's Daughter, a
comely Maiden, albeit Red-haired, and very much pitted with the
Small-pox. Figure to yourself Captain Jack Dangerous turned Dominie! I
am venturesome enough to believe that I was a very passable Pedagogue;
and of this I am certain, that I was entirely beloved by my Scholars.
The sufferings I had undergone while a Captive in the hands of that
Barbarous Wretch, Gnawbit, had never been effaced from my Memory, and
had made me infinitely tender towards little Children. Indeed I could
scarcely bear to use the Ferula to them, or nip 'em with a Fescue, much
less to untruss and Scourge 'em, as 'tis the brutal fashion of Pedants
to do; nor do I think, though I disobeyed Solomon's maxim, and Spared
the Rod, that I did much towards Spoiling any Child that was under my
care. I made Learning easy and pleasant to my Youngsters, by telling
them all sorts of moving and marvellous Stories, drawn from what Books
of History I had handy (and these I admit I  a little, to suit
the Imaginations of the Young), and others concerning my own remarkable
Adventures, in which, however extraordinary they seemed, I always took
care to adhere strictly to the Truth, only suppressing that which it was
not proper for Youth and Innocence to be made acquainted with.

But Schoolkeeping is a tiresome trade. One cannot be at it day and night
too; and a Man must have some place to Divert himself in, when the toils
of the day are over. I found out a Coffee-House in the Rue de Merinos,
or Spaan Scheep Straet, as the Flemings call it, in strange likeness to
our tongue, and there, over my Tobacco, made some strange Acquaintance.
There was one De Suaso, an Empiric, that had writ against the English
College of Physicians, and was like to have made a Fortune by his famous
Nostrum for the Gout, _the Sudorific Expulsive Mixture_; but that
Scheme had fallen through, it having been discovered that the Mixture
was naught but Quicksilver and Suet, which made the Patients perspire
indeed, but turned 'em all, to the very Silver in their Pockets, as
Black as Small-Coal Men. Now, he had become a kind of Pedlar, selling
Handkerchiefs made at Amsterdam, in imitation of those of Naples, with
Women's Gloves, Fans, Essences, and Pomatums--and in fact all the
Whim-Whams that are known in the Italian trade as _Galanterie le piu
curiose di Venezia e di Milano_. But his prime trade was in Selling of
Snuff, for the choicer sorts of which there was at that time a perfect
Rage among the Quality, both of the Continent and of England. This De
Suaso used to Laugh, and say that the best venture he had ever made was
from a Parcel of Snuff so bad and rotten, that he was about to send it
back to the Hamburg Merchant who had sold it him, when one day, plying
at the chief Coffee-House, as was his wont, my Lord Hautgoustham, an
English Nobleman, desired him to fill his box with the choicest Snuff
he had. Thinking my Lord really a Judge, he gives him some undeniable
_Bouquet Dauphine_; but the Peer would have none of it. Then he tries
him with one Mixture after another, but always unsuccessfully; until at
last he bethinks him of the Musty Parcel he has at home, and
accordingly, having fetched some of that, returns to the Coffee-House,
and says that he has indeed a Snuff of extraordinary Smell and Taste,
but that 'tis extravagantly dear. Lord Hautgoustham tries it, and calls
out in an ecstasy that 'tis the most beautiful Snuff he ever put to his
Nose. He bought a Pound of it, for which De Suaso charged him at the
moderate rate of Four Guineas; and desires to know his Lodging, that he
may send his Friends to buy some of this Incomparable Mixture. The
Artful Rogue then affects the Coy, says that his Stock of the Snuff is
very low, and by degrees raises his price to Eleven Pistoles a Pound,
until the English in Brussels have been half-poisoned with his filthy
Remnant; when there comes upon the scene a certain Mr. Dubiggin, a rich
old English Merchant of the Caraccas, who knew all kinds of Snuff as
well as a Yorkshire Tyke knows Horses; and he, telling the Nobleman and
his Friends how they have been duped, my Lord Hautgoustham, who was of a
hot temper, makes no more ado, but kicks this unhappy De Suaso half way
down the Montagne de la Cour.

Here, too, I made an Acquaintance who was afterwards the means of
working me much Mischief. This was one Ferdinando Carolyi, that said he
was a Styrian, but spoke most Tongues, and was a thoroughly accomplished
Rascal. He had been a painter of Flower-pieces, and from what I could
learn had also made the Mill to go in the way of coining False Money;
but at the time I knew him was all for the occult Science called the
Cabala. He showed me a whole chestful of Writings at his Lodgings--which
were very mean--and declared that he had invented a perfect and
particular System, which he called the Astronomical Terrestrial Cabala.
He had run through the whole Pentateuch, and had reduced to the Signs
of the Zodiac the words of such Scripture Verses as answered to the
same; one to Aries, the second to Taurus, the third to Gemini, and the
like. In short, there appeared a kind of Harmony in 'em, particularly
when the Terrestrial Cabala (which was of the Dryest) was moistened with
a flask or two of good old Rhenish. The whole of this contrivance was to
tend towards the Discovery of the Philosopher's Stone. He pretended by
these Astronomical Figures to have penetrated into the most essential
Arcana of Nature, and all the necessary operations for attaining the
_Elixir Philosophorum_, or some such word. But this Carolyi had such a
winning Way with him, that he would well-nigh have talked a Donkey's
Hind-leg off. He began to tell me about Peter of Lombardy and the great
adept Zacharias, and of the blessed Terra Foliata, or Land of Leaves,
where Gold is sown to be radically Dissolved in order to its
Putrefaction and Regermination in a Fixation which has Power over its
Brethren the Imperfect Metals, and makes them like unto itself; and
this process (which I believe to have been only a story about a Cock and
a Bull) he called Re-incrudation. In fact my Gentleman almost talked me
out of my Senses: and as I thought him a monstrous clever Man, I lent
him (although my Purse was as lean as might be) half-a-score of Austrian
Ducats, to carry out his experiments in the Universal Menstruum. Alas! I
never saw my Ducats nor my Alchemist again. A week after I had lent him
the money, he fled on a suspicion of Base Coin; and I had hard work to
persuade the Officers of Justice that I had not a hand in his
Malpractices. As it was, nearly all my Scholars fell away from my
School; and the Impudent Flemings sneered at me as _Mozzoo Kabala_,--in
their barbarous Lingo,--and I was pointed out in the streets as a
Wizard, a Fortune-teller, a Cunning Man, and what not. So that I was
fain, after about ten years' sojourn at Bruxelles, to call in my Dues,
gather my few Effects together, and bidding farewell to Flanders,
proceed to Paris. It was time; for the Priests were up in arms against
me as a Heretic Outlaw, dealing in Magic. The Black Gentry are
hereabouts very Bigoted; and although they have no Inquisition, would, I
doubt not, have led me a sorry Life, but for my Discretion in timely
Flitting.




CHAPTER THE FIFTH.

OF A STRANGE AND HORRIBLE ADVENTURE I HAD IN PARIS, WHICH WAS NEARLY MY
UNDOING.


THE Manner of its Coming About was this. I arrived in Paris very Poor
and Miserable, and was for some days (when that which I brought with me
was spent) almost destitute of Bread. At last, hearing that some Odd
Hands were wanted at the Opera-House to caper about in a new Ballet upon
the Story of Orpheus, the Master of the Tavern where I Lodged, who had
been a Property-Master at the Theatres, and entertained many of the
Playing Gentry, made interest for me, as much to keep me from Starving
as to put me in the way of earning enough money to pay my Score to him.
For I have found that there never was in this world a man so Poor but
he could manage to run into Debt. In virtue of his Influence, I, who had
never so much as stood up in a polite Minuet in my life, and knew no
more of Dancing than sufficed to foot it on a Shuffleboard at a Tavern
to the tune of Green Sleeves, was engaged at the wages of one Livre ten
Sols a night to be a Mime in the same Ballet. But 'twas little
proficiency in Dancing they wanted from me. One need not have been bound
'prentice to a Hackney Caper-Merchant to play one of the Furies that
hold back Eurydice, and vomit Flames through a Great Mask. They gave me
a Monstrous Dress, akin to the _San Benitos_ which are worn by the poor
wretches who are burnt by the Inquisition; and my flame-burning was done
by an Ingenious Mechanical Contrivance, that had a most delectable
effect, albeit the Fumes of the Sulphur half-choked me. And they did not
ask for any Characters for their Furies. I tumbled and vomited Flames
for at least thirty nights, when one evening, standing at the
Side-Scenes waiting for my turn to come on, it chanced that the light
gauzy Coats of a pretty little Dancing-girl, that was playing a Dryad in
the Wood where Orpheus charms the Beast, caught Fire. I think 'twas the
Candle fell out of the Moon-box, and so on to her Drapery; but, at all
events, she was Alight, and ran about the Scene, screaming piteously.
The poor little cowardly wretches her Companions all ran away in sheer
terror; and as for the two Musqueteers of the Guard who stood sentry at
each side of the Proscenium, one dastard Losel fell on his Marrow-bones
and began bawling for his Saints, whilst the other, a more active
Craven, drops his musket and bayonet with a clang, and clambers into the
Orchestra, hitting out right and left among the Fiddlers, and very
nearly tumbling into the Big Drum. All this took much less time to pass
than I have taken to relate; but as quick as thought I rushed on to the
stage, seized hold of the little Dancing-girl, tripped her up, and
rolling her over and over on the Boards, I encompassed her till the
flames were Extinguished. Luckily there was no Harm done. She was
Bruised all over, and one of her pretty little Elbows was scratched; but
that was all. One of the Gentlemen of the King's Chamber came round from
his Box; and the Sardinian Ambassador sends round at once a Purse of
Fifty Pistoles, and an offer for her to become his Madam; "For I should
like one," his Excellency said, "that had been half-roasted. All these
Frenchwomen look as though they had been boiled." When the Little Girl
was brought to her Dressing-room, and had somewhat recovered from her
Fright, she began to thank me, her Preserver, as she called me, with
great Fervour and Vehemence; yet did I fancy that, although her words
were excellently well chosen, she spoke with somewhat of an English
Accent. And indeed she proved to be English. She was the Daughter of one
Mr. Lovell, an English Gentleman of very fair extraction, who had been
unfortunately mixed up in the troubles of the Forty-five; and having
been rather a dangerous Plotter, and so excepted from the Act of
Oblivion, had been fain to reside in Paris ever since, picking up a
Crust as he could by translating, teaching of the Theorbo and
Harpsichord, and suchlike sorry Shifts. But he was very well connected,
and had powerful friends among the French Quality. He was now a very old
man, but of a most Genteel Presence and Majestic Carriage. The Little
Girl's name--she was now about Eighteen years old--was Lilias, and she
was the only one. As she had a marvellous turn for Dancing, old Mr.
Lovell had (in the stress of his Affairs) allowed her to be hired at the
Opera House, where she received no less than a Hundred Ecus a month; but
he knew too well what mettle Gentlemen of the King's Chamber and
Musqueteers of the Guard were made of; and every night after the
Performance he came down to the Theatre to fetch her--his Hat fiercely
cocked, and his long Sword under his arm. So that none dared follow or
molest her. And I question even, if he had heard of the Ambassador's
offer, whether the old Gentleman would not have demanded Satisfaction
from his Excellency for that slight.

When I discovered that this dear little Creature, who was as fair as her
name and as good as gold, was my Countrywoman, I made bold to tell her
that I was English too; whereupon she Laughed, and in her sweet manner
expressed her wonder that I had come to be playing a Fury at the French
Opera House. I chose to keep my Belongings private for the nonce; so the
old Gentleman, treating me as an honest fellow of Low Degree, presented
me with ten Livres, which I accepted, nothing loth, and the Theatre
People even made a purse for me amounting to Fifty more. So that I got
as rich as a Jew, and was much in favour with my Landlord. But, better
than all, the Little Girl, as I was her Preserver, insisted that I
should be her Protector too; and old Mr. Lovell being laid up very bad
with the rheumatism, I was often privileged to attend her home after the
Theatre, walking respectfully a couple of paces behind her, and grasping
a stout Cudgel. Father and Daughter lived in the Impasse Mauvaise
Langue, Rue des Moineaux, behind St. Rogue's Church; and often when I
had got my precious charge home, she would press me to stop to supper,
the which I took very humbly at a side table, and listened to the
stories of old Mr. Lovell (who was very garrulous) about the Forty-five.
"Bless his old heart," thought I; "I could tell him something about the
Forty-five that would astonish him."

'Twas one night after leaving the Impasse Mauvaise Langue that, feeling
both cold and dry, I turned into a Tavern that was open late, for a
measure of Hot Spiced Wine, as a Night-cap. There was no one there,
beyond the People of the House, save a man in a Drugget coat, a green
velveteen Waistcoat, red plush Nethers, and a flapped Hat, all very Worn
and Greasy. He was about my own age, and wore his own Hair; but the most
remarkable thing about him was his Face. I never saw such a Red Face.
'Twas a hundred times more fiery than that of Bardolph in the Play.
'Twas more glowing than a Salamander's. 'Twas redder than Sir Robert
Walpole's (the great Whig Minister who, in my youth, was called by the
Common "Brandy-faced Bob!"). This man's Face was most terribly puffed
and swollen, and the veins all injected with purplish Blood. The tips of
his Ears were like two pendant Carbuncles. His little bloodshot Eyes
seemed starting from their Sockets, while the Cheeks beneath puffed out
like Pillows for his Orbits to rest upon. Not less worthy of remark was
it that this Red-faced Man's Lips were of a tawny White. He was for ever
scrabbling with his hands among his tufted Locks, and pressing them to
his Temples, as though his Head pained him--which there was reason to
believe it did.

This strange Person was, when I entered the Wine-shop, in hot Dispute
with the Master about some trifling Liquor Score. He would not Pay, he
said; no, not he. He had been basely Robbed and Swindled. He had plenty
of Money, but he would not disburse a Red Liard. He showed, indeed, a
Leathern Purse with two or three Gold Pieces in it, and smaller Money;
but declared that he would Die sooner than disburse. And as he said
this, he drew out of his pocket a long Clasp-Knife, two-bladed; and
opening it, brandished it about, and said they had better let him go, or
Worse would come of it.

The Master of the Tavern and his Wife, decent bodies both, were wofully
frightened at the behaviour of this Desperado; but I was not to be
frightened by such Racketing. I bade him put up his Toothpick, giving
him at the same time a Back-Hander, which drove him into a Corner, where
he crouched, snarling like a Wild-beast, but offering to do me no hurt.
Then I asked what the To-do was about, and was told that he stood
indebted but for Eight Sols, for Half a Litre of Wine, and that they
could not account for his Fury. The Man was evidently not in Liquor,
which was strange.

These good people were so flustered at the Man's uncommon Demeanour,
that, seeing I was Strong and Valiant, they begged me to take him away.
This I did, first discharging his Reckoning; for as he had Money about
him, I doubted not but that he would recoup me. I got him into the
Street (which was close to the Market of the Innocents, and I lived in
the Street of the Ancient Comedy, t'other side of the River), and asked
him where he was going.

"To get a Billet of Confession," he made answer.

"Stuff and Nonsense!" I answered, in the French Tongue. "They sell them
not at this Hour of Night. Where do you live?"

"In the Parvis of Notre Dame," says he, staring like a Stuck Pig. "O
Arnault! O Jansenius! O Monsieur de Paris! all this is your fault!"

And he lugs out of his Pocket a ragged Sheet of Paper, which he said was
the last Mandement or Charge of the Archbishop of Paris, and was for
reading it to me by the Moonlight; but I stopped him short. I had heard
in a vague manner that the Public Mind was just then much agitated by
some Dispute between the Clergy and the Parliament concerning Billets or
Certificates of Confession; but they concerned neither me nor the Opera
House. Besides, an Hour after Midnight is not the time for reading
Archbishops' Charges in the Public Streets.

"'Tis my belief, Brother," I said, as soothingly as I could, "that you'd
better go Home, and tie a Wet Clout round your Head; or, better still,
hie to a Chirurgeon and be let Blood. Have you e'er a Home?"

He began to tell me that his Name was ROBERT FRANCOIS DAMIENS; that he
had come from Picardy; that he had been a Stableman, a Locksmith, a
Camp-follower, and a Servant at the College of Louis-le-Grand; that he
had a Wife who was a Cook in a Noble Family, and a Daughter who 
Prints for a Seller of Engravings. In short, he told me all save what I
desired to know. And in the midst of his rambling recital he stops, and
claps his Hand to his Forehead again.

"What ails you?" I asked.

"_C'est le Sang, c'est le Sang qui me monte a la Tete!_" cries he. "_La
Faute est a Monseigneur et a son Mandement. Je perirai; mais les Grands
de la Terre periront avec moi._"[B]

And with this Bedlamite Speech he broke away from me,--for I had kept a
slight hold of him,--and set off Running as hard as his legs could carry
him.

I concluded that this Red-faced Man must be some Mad Fellow just escaped
out of Charenton; and, having other Fish to fry, let him follow his own
devices. Whereupon I kindled a Pipe of Tobacco, and went home to Bed.

Two days after this (March, 1757), the whole Troop of the Opera House
were commanded to Versailles, there to perform the Ballet of Orpheus
before Mesdames the King's Daughters. I had by this time received slight
Promotion, and played the Dog Cerberus,--at which my dear little Angel
of a Lilias made much mirth. His Majesty was to have waited at
Versailles for the playing of the Piece; but after Dinner he changes his
mind, and determines on returning to his other Palace of Trianon.

'Twas about Five o'clock in the Afternoon, and there was a great Crowd
in the Court of Marble to see the Most Christian King take Coach for
Trianon. The Great Court was full of Gardes Francaises, Musqueteers Red
and Gray carrying Torches, with Coaches, Led Horses, Prickers, Grooms,
Pages, Valets, Waiting Women, and all the Hurley-Burly of a great Court.
Some few of the Commonalty also managed to squeeze themselves
in--amongst others, your humble Servant, John Dangerous, who was now
reckoned no better than a Rascal Buffoon.

'Twas bitterly cold, and freezing hard, and the Courtiers had their
hands squeezed into great fur Muffs. I saw the King come down the Marble
Staircase; a fair portly Gentleman, with a Greatcoat, lined with fur,
over his ordinary vestments--then a novelty among the French, and called
a _Redingote_, from our English Riding-coat.

"Is that the King?" I heard a Voice, which I seemed to remember, ask
behind me, as the Monarch passed between a double line of Spectators to
his Coach.

"Yes, Dog," answered he who had been addressed, and who was an Officer
in the Gray Musqueteers. "Pig, why dost thou not take off thy Hat?"

I was all at once pushed violently on one side. A Man with a Drugget
Coat and Flapped Hat, and whom I at once recognised by the light of the
glaring torches as the Red-faced Brawler of the Wine-shop, darted
through the line of Guards, an open Knife in his hand, and rushing up
to him, stabbed King Lewis the Fifteenth in the side.

I could hear his Majesty cry out, "_Oh! je suis blesse!_"--"I am
wounded!"--but all the rest was turbulence and confusion; in the midst
of which, not caring that the Red-faced Man should claim me as an
Acquaintance, I slipped away. I need scarcely say that there was no
Ballet at Versailles that night.

A great deal of Blood came from the King's Wound; for he was a Plethoric
Sovereign, much given to High Living; but he was, on the whole, more
Frightened than Hurt. Although when the Assassin was first laid hold of,
His Majesty cried out in an Easy Manner that no Harm was to be done him,
he never afterwards troubled his Royal Self in the slightest Manner to
put a stop to the Hellish Torments inflicted on a Poor Wretch, who had,
at the most, but scratched his Flesh, and for whom the most fitting
Punishment would have been a Cell in a Madhouse.

As for this most miserable Red-faced Man, Robert Francois Damiens, this
is what was done to him. At first handling, he was very nearly murdered
by the Young Gentlemen Officers of the Body Guard, who, having tied him
to a Bench, pricked him with their Sword Points, beat him with their
Belts, and pummelled him about the Mouth with the Butt-ends of Pistols.
Then he was had to the Civil Prison; and a certain President, named
Michault, came to interrogate him, who being most zealous to discover
whether the Parricide (as he was called) had any Accomplices, heated a
Pair of Pincers in the Fire, and when they were red-hot, clawed and
dragged away at the Unhappy Man's Legs, till the whole Dungeon did reek
with the horrible Odour of Burnt Flesh. Just imagine one of our English
Judges of the Land undertaking such a Hangman's Office! The poor Wretch
made no other complaint than to murmur that the King had directed that
he was not to be ill-treated; and when they further questioned him,
could only stammer out some Incoherent Balderdash about the Archbishop,
the Parliament, and the Billets of Confession.

After many Days, he was removed from Versailles to Paris; but his Legs
were so bad with the Burning, that they were obliged to carry him away
on a Mattress. So to Paris; the Journey taking Six Hours, through his
great attendance of Guards and the thickness of the Crowd. He was had to
the Prison of the Conciergerie, and put into a Circular Dungeon in the
Tower called of Montgomery--the very same one where Ravaillac, that
killed Henry the Fourth, had formerly lain. There they put him into a
kind of Sack of Shamoy Leather, leaving only his Head free; and he was
tied down to his bed--which was a common Hospital Pallet--by an immense
number of Leathern Straps, secured by Iron Rings to the Floor of his
Dungeon. But what Dr. Goldsmith, the Poetry-writer, means by "Damiens'
Bed of Steel," I'm sure I don't know. At the head and foot of his Bed an
Exempt kept watch Night and Day, and every three-quarters of an hour
the Guard was relieved; so that the Miserable Creature had little chance
of Sleeping. He would have sunk under all this Cruelty, but that they
kept him up with Rich Meats and Generous Wines, which they had all but
to force down his Throat.

But while all this was being done to Damiens, other steps were being
taken by Justice, the which narrowly concerned me. As he would denounce
no Accomplices, real or imaginary, the Police did their best to find out
his Confederates for themselves, and by diligent Inquiry made themselves
acquainted with all Damiens' movements for days before he committed his
Crime. They found out the Wine-shop where he had refused to pay his
Reckoning and made a Disturbance; and learning from the people of the
House what manner of Man had paid for him and taken him away, they were
soon on _my_ track. One night, just before the Ballet began, I was taken
by two Exempts; and, in the very play-acting dress as Cerberus that I
wore, was forced into a Sedan, and taken, surrounded by Guards, to the
Prison of the Chatelet. I thought of appealing to our Ambassador in
Paris, and proving that I was a faithful Subject of King George; but, as
it happened, I owed my safety to one who disowned that Monarch, and kept
all his Allegiance for King James. For old Mr. Lovell, hearing of my
Arrest, and importuned by poor Pretty Miss Lilias, who was kind enough
to shed many Tears on the occasion, hurried off to his Eminence the
Cardinal de ----, who was all but supreme at Court, and with whom he had
great Influence. The Cardinal listens to him very graciously, and by and
by comes down the President Pasquier to interrogate me, to whom I told a
plain Tale, setting forth how I had been unfortunate in Business in
Holland and Flanders, and was earning an honest Livelihood by playing a
Dog in a Pantomime. The people in the Wine-shop could not but bear me
out in stating that I had come across the Red-faced Man by pure
Accident, and was no Friend of his. It was moreover established by the
Police, that I had not been seen in Damiens' company after the Night I
first met him, and that I had a legitimate call to be at Versailles on
the day of the Assassination; so that after about a fortnight's
detention I was set at Liberty, to my own great joy and that of my good
and kind Mistress Lilias, who had now repaid ten-thousand-fold whatever
paltry Service I had been fortunate enough to render her. Nay, this
seeming Misadventure was of present service to me; for his Eminence was
pleased to say that he should be glad to hear something more concerning
me, for that I seemed a Bold Fellow; and at an Interview with him, which
lasted more than an Hour, I told him my whole Life and Adventures, which
caused him to elevate his Eyebrows not a little.

"_Cospetto!_ Signor Dangerous," says he (for though he spoke French like
a Native he was by Birth an Italian, and sometimes swore in that
Language), "if all be true what you say,--and you do not look like a
Man who tells Lies,--you have led a strange Life. When a Boy, you were
nearly Hanged; and now at the _mezzo cammin_ of Life you have been on
the point of having your Limbs broken on a St. Andrew's Cross. However,
we must see what we can do for you. Strength, Valour, Experience, and
Discretion do not often go together; but I give you credit for
possessing a fair show of all Four. I suppose, now, that you are tired
of squatting at the Wicket of the Infernal Regions at the Opera House?"

I bowed in acknowledgment of his Eminence's compliments, and said that I
should be glad of any Employment.

"Well, well," continued his Eminence, "we will see. At present, as you
say you are a fair Scholar, my Secretary will find you some work in
copying Letters. And here, Signor Dangerous, take these ten Louis, and
furnish yourself with some more Clerkly Attire than your present trim.
It would never do for a Prince of the Church to have a Flavour of the
Opera Side-Scenes about his house."

Unless Rumour lied, there hung sometimes about his Eminence's sumptuous
hotel a Flavour, not alone of the Opera Side-Scenes, but of the
Ballet-Dancers' Tiring-room. However, let that pass. I took the ten
Louis with many Thanks, and six hours afterwards was strutting about in
a suit of Black, full trimmed, with a little short Cloak, for all the
world like a Notary's Clerk.

I had been in the Employ of his Eminence--who showed me daily more and
more favour--about a month, when all Paris was agog with the News that
the Monster Parricide and Hell-Hound (as they called him from the
Pulpit), Robert Francois Damiens, was to suffer the last Penalty of his
Crime. I know not what strange horrible fascination I yielded to, but I
could not resist the desire to see the End of the Red-faced Man. I went.
The Tragedy took place on the Place de Greve; but ere he came on to his
last Scene, Damiens had gone through other Woes well-nigh unutterable.
I speak not of his performing the _amende honorable_, bare-footed, in
his Shirt, a Halter round his Neck, and a lighted Taper of six pounds'
weight in his Hand, at the Church-door, confessing his Crime, and asking
Pardon of God, the King, and all Christian Men. Ah! no; he had suffered
more than this. Part of his Sentence was that, prior to Execution, he
was to undergo the Question Ordinary and Extraordinary; and so at the
Conciergerie, in the presence of Presidents, Counsellors of the
Parliament, Great Noblemen of the Court, and other Dignitaries, the Poor
Thing was put into the _Brodequins_, or Boots, and wedge after wedge
driven in between his Legs--already raw and inflamed with the Devilries
of the President Michault--and the Iron Incasement. He rent the air with
his Screams, until the Surgeons declared that he could hold out no
longer. But he confessed nothing; for what had he to confess?

Then came the last awful Day, when all this Agony was to end. I saw it
all. The Greve was densely packed; and although the space is not a third
so large as Tower Hill, there seemed to be Thousands more persons
present than at the beheading of my Lord Lovat. A sorrier Sight was it
to see the windows of the Hotel de Ville thronged with Great Ladies of
the Court, many of them Young and Beautiful, and all bravely Dressed,
who laughed and chattered and ate Sweetmeats while the Terrible Show was
going on. The Sentence ran that the Assassin's Hand, holding the Knife
which he had used, should be Burnt in a Slow-fire of Sulphur. Then that
his Flesh should be torn on the Breast, Arms, Stomach, Thighs, and
Calves of the Legs with Pincers; and then that into the gaping Wounds
there should be poured Melted Lead, Rosin, Pitch, Wax, and Boiling Oil.
And finally, that by the Four Extremities he should be attached to Four
Horses, and rent Asunder; his Body then to be Burnt, and his Ashes
scattered to the Winds. There was nothing said about the Lord having
mercy upon his Soul; but careful injunction was made that he was to be
condemned in the Costs of the Prosecution.

All this was done, although I sicken to record it; but in the most
Blundering Butcherly manner. The Chief-Executioner of the Parliament was
Sick, and so the task was deputed to his Nephew, Gabriel Sanson, who
being, notwithstanding his Sanguinary Office (which is hereditary), a
Humane kind of Young Man, was all in a Shiver at what he had to perform,
and quite lost his Head. Both his Valets, or Under-Hangmen, were Drunk.
They had forgotten the Pitch, Oil, Rosin, and other things; and at the
last moment they had to be sent for to the neighbouring Grocers'. But
these Shopkeepers declared, out of humanity, that they had them not;
whereupon Guards and Exempts were sent, who searched their Stores, and
seized what was wanted in the King's Name. Then the Fiendish Show began.
I can hear the miserable man's Shrieks as I sit writing this now.--But
no more.

So strong is our Human Frame, that the great strong Brewer's Horses,
although Dragged and Whipped this way and t'other, could not pull his
limbs Asunder. So the Surgeons were obliged to sever the great Sinews
with Knives, and then the Horses managed it, somehow.

_Note._--When the Horses were Lashed, to make 'em pull Lustily, the Fine
Ladies at the windows fluttered their Fans, and, in their sweet little
Court Lingo, cried out compassionately, "_Oh, les pauv' Zevaux!_"--"Oh,
the poor Dobbins!" They didn't say any thing about a poor Damiens.

_Note._--Also, that when they took his Head, to cram it into the
Brazier, and burn it with the rest of his Members, they found that his
Hair, which when he was arrested was of a Dark Brown, had turned quite
White.

This Story is Naked Truth, and it was done in the Christian country of
France, and in the Year of our Lord Seventeen Hundred and Fifty-Seven.
It all fell out because a poor, ignorant, half-crazy Serving-Man chose
to muddle his Head about the Archbishop of Paris and his Billets of
Confession, and because he would not go to a Chirurgeon and be let Blood
when Jack Dangerous bade him.

A week after this his Eminence was pleased to send for me into his
Cabinet, and told me that he had heard great Accounts from his Secretary
of my Parts, Application, and Capacity, and that he designed to restore
me to the position of a Gentleman. He asked me if I had a mind for a
particular Employment and a Secret Mission; and on my signifying my
willingness to embark in such an Undertaking, bade me hold myself in
readiness to travel forthwith into Italy.


FOOTNOTE:

[B] "'Tis the Blood, the Blood mounting to my Head! 'Tis the
Archbishop's fault, and that of his Charge. I shall perish; but the
Mighty Ones of the Earth shall perish with me."

I have, contrary to my practice, given these Words as they were spoken,
in the French Tongue: for they sunk into my Mind, so as never to be
forgotten.--J. D.




CHAPTER THE SIXTH.

OF MY SECRET EMPLOYMENT IN THE SERVICE OF THE CARDINAL DE ----.


PARIS was now clearly no place for me; so bidding adieu to my kind
Protectress, I made what haste I could to quit the city where I had
witnessed, and in some sense been implicated in, so Frightful a Tragedy.
There had always been mingled with my Adventurous Temperament a turn for
sober Reflection; and I did not fail to Reflect with much seriousness
upon the appalling perils from which I had just, by the Mercy of
Providence, escaped. Setting altogether on one side the Pretty Sight I
should have presented had I been subject to the Hellish Tortures which
this poor crazy Wretch Damiens underwent, I justly conceived an extreme
Horror for this Fiendish yet frivolous People, who could mingle the
twirling of Fans and the sucking of Sugarplums, with the most
excruciating Torments ever inflicted upon a Human Being. At least, so I
reasoned to myself; if we English hang and disembowel a Traitor, at
least we strangle him first; and though the sentence is Bloodthirsty,
the mob would rend 'Squire Ketch in pieces were it known that a Spark of
Life remained in the Body of the Patient when the Hangman's Knife
touched his Breast; but these Frenchmen have neither Humanity nor
Decency, and positively pet and pamper up their Victim in order that he
may be the better able to endure the full effects of their infernal
Spite.

Not without considerable Misgivings did I undertake my new Employment,
the more so as I was both forbidden and ashamed to impart any inkling of
its nature to my dear Mistress. Say what you will, no man that has a
spark of Honesty remaining in him can have much relish for the calling
of a Spy. I tried hard to persuade myself that this was a kind of
Diplomatic Employment; that I was intrusted with Secrets of State; and
that by faithfully carrying out my Instructions, I was serving the cause
of Civilisation, and in my humble way helping to maintain the Peace of
Europe. For in all ages there have been, and in all to come there must
be, sober and discreet Persons to act as Emissaries, to inquire into the
conditions of the People, and bring back Tidings of the Nakedness or
Fertility of the Land. It would never have been known that there was
Corn in Egypt, but for the sagacious Investigations of Messengers sent
to quest about in the interest of a Famished Community. Nevertheless I
admit that, although I spread much such Balsam upon my galled and chafed
Conscience, I could not avoid a dismal Distrust that all these Arguments
were vain and Sophistical. The words, "Spy, Spy, Spy," haunted me both
by day and by night. I saw, in imagination, the Finger of Derision
pointed at me, and heard, in spirit, the wagging of the Tongues of
Evil-minded Men. The worst of it was, that the occult nature of my
Mission prevented me from loudly proclaiming my Honesty in order to
vindicate it against all comers, and glued my Sword to its Scabbard,
whence it would otherwise furiously have leapt to avenge the merest
Slight put upon me.

His Eminence the Cardinal de ---- was pleased to equip me for my Journey
in the most munificent Manner. First he directed me to procure a
plentiful stock of Clothes both for travelling and for gala Occasions,
not forgetting a couple of good serviceable Rapiers, as well as a
Walking-sword, a Dress-foil, and a Hanger, with a pair of Holster
Pistols, and two smaller ones of Steel in case of Emergencies. Also, by
his advice, within the lining of my Coat, by the nape of my Neck, just
where the bag of my Wig hung, I secreted a neat little Poniard or
Dagger. In a small Emerald Ring, of which he made me a Present, was
compactly stowed a quantity of very subtle and potent Poison, sufficient
to kill Two Men. "One never knows what may happen, dear Captain," says
his Eminence to me, with his unctuous Smile. "Your Profession is one of
sudden Risks, leading sometimes to prospects of painful Inconvenience.
If you are brought to such a pass that all your Ingenuity will not
enable you to extricate yourself from it, and if you have any rational
Objection, say, to being Burnt Alive, or Broken on the Wheel, 'tis
always as well to have the means at hand of executing oneself with
genteel Tranquillity. Such means you will always carry with you on your
Little Finger; and I can see, by the circumference of the Ring, that
'tis only by Sawing off that it can be got from off your Digit. Poison
yourself then, _mio caro_, if you see no other way of getting out of the
Scrape; but pray remember this; That he who has poison about him, and
only enough for one, is an Ass. _Always carry enough for Two._ The
immersion of that little finger in a Glass of Wine, and the pressure of
a little Spring, would make Hercules so much cold chicken in a Moment.
There are times, dear Captain, when you may have to save Half your
Potion to kill yourself, but when you may safely lay out the other Half
with the view of killing somebody else." A mighty pleasant Way had his
Eminence with him; and his conversation was a kind of Borgia Brocade
shot with Machiavelism.

My Despatches and other Secret Documents I was to carry neatly folded
and moulded within a Ball of Wax not much larger than a Pill. This again
was put into a Comfit-box of Gold, and suspended by a minute but strong
Chain of Steel round my Neck.

"In difficult Circumstances," says his Eminence, "you will open that
Comfit-box and swallow that little Ball of Wax. I have often thought,"
he pursued, "that Spies, to be perfect in their Vocation, should first
of all be apprenticed to Mountebanks. At the Fair of St. Germain, I have
gazed with admiration on the grotesquely bedizened fellows who swallow
Swords, Redhot Pokers, and Yards of Ribbon without number, and thought
of what invaluable service their Powers of Gullet would be in the rapid
and effectual concealment of Documents the which it is expedient to
conceal from the eyes of the Vulgar."

Again, in the folds of a silken belt, in the which I was to keep my
Letters of Credit and a large unset Diamond, in case I should be pressed
for Money in places where there were no Bankers,--for Diamonds are
convertible into Cash from one end of the World to the other, except
among the Cannibals,--in this Belt was a little Scrap of Parchment
secured between two squares of Glass, and bearing an Inscription in
minute characters, which I was unable to decipher. I have the Scrap of
Parchment by me yet, and have shown it to Doctor Dubiety, who is a very
learned man; but even he is puzzled with it; and beyond opining that the
characters are either Arabic or Sanscrit, cannot give me any information
regarding their Purport.

"This Parchment," observed the Cardinal when he delivered it to me,
"will be of no service to you with Civil or Military Governors, and it
will be well for you not to show it to carnal-minded Men; but if ever
you get into difficulties with Holy Mother Church--I speak not of
Heretic Communions--you may produce it at once, and it will be sure to
deliver you from those Fiery Furnaces and the Jaws of those Devouring
Dragons of whom the said Holy Mother Church is sometimes forced (through
the perversity of Mankind) to make use."

Finally, this same Belt contained a curious Contrivance, by means of a
piece of Vellum perforated in divers places, for deciphering the Letters
I might receive from his Eminence or his agents. On placing the Vellum
over the Letter sent, the words intended to meet the eyes of the
recipient, and none other, would appear through the incisions made;
while, the Vellum removed, the body of the Epistle would read like the
veriest Balderdash. This the French call a _chiffre a grille_, and 'tis
much used in their secret Diplomatic Affairs. The best of it is, that
when the two Parties who wish to correspond have once settled where the
incisions are to be, and have each gotten their _grille_, or Peephole
Vellum, no human being can, under ten thousand combinations of letters,
and years of toilsome labour, decipher what is meant to be expressed, or
Weed out the few Words of Meaning from the mass of surrounding Rubbish.

I bade his Eminence farewell, having the honour to be admitted to his
_petit lever_, the felicity to kiss his hand and receive his
Benediction, and the distinction of being conducted down the Back Stairs
by his Maitre d'Hotel, and let out by a Side Door in the Garden-wall of
his Mansion. A close Chariot took me one morning in the Spring of '58 to
the Barriere de Lyon, and there I found a Chaise and Post-horses, and
was soon on my road to the South, with three hundred Louis in Gold in my
Valise, and a Letter of Credit for any sum under five hundred at a time,
I liked to draw, in my Waist-belt. I was Richer in Purse and more
bravely Dressed than ever I had been in my life, and travelled under the
name of the Chevalier Escarbotin; but I was a Spy, and in mine own eyes
I was the Meanest of the Mean.

A happy Mercurial Temper and cheerful Flow of Spirits soon, however,
revived within me; and, ere Ten Leagues of my Journey were over, the
Chevalier Escarbotin became once more to himself Jack Dangerous. "I will
work the Mine of my Manhood," I cried out in the Chaise, "to the last
Vein of the Ore. _Vive la Joie!_" Yet in my innermost heart did I wish
myself once more with Captain Blokes as the daring Supercargo of the
dear old _Marquis_, or else a Peaceful Merchant at Amsterdam, giving
good advice to the Rogues and Sluts in the Rasphuys. O Mr.
Vandepeereboom, Mr. Vandepeereboom!

Six days after my departure from Paris, I embarked from Marseille on
board a Tartane bound for Genoa. We had fine sailing for about three
days, till by contrary winds we were driven into San Remo, a pretty
Seaport belonging to the Genoese. This abounds so much with Oranges,
Lemons, and other Delicious Fruit, that it is called the Paradise of
Italy. So on to Genoa, where the Beggars live in Palaces cheek by jowl
with the Nobles, who are well-nigh as beggarly as they; and the Houses
are as lofty as any in Europe, and the Streets between them as dark and
narrow as Adam and Eve Court in the Strand. The Suburb called San Pietro
d'Arena very pretty, and full of commodious Villas. There are thirty
Parish Churches, and at San Lorenzo they show a large Dish made out of
One Emerald, which they say was given to King Solomon by the Queen of
Sheba. The Genoese are a cunning and industrious People, with a great
gusto for the Arts, but terrible Thieves. The Government a Republic,
headed by a Doge, that is chosen every two years from among the
Nobility, and must be a Genoese, at least Fifty years of age, and no
Byblow. He cannot so much as lie One Night out of the City, without
leave had from the Senate. When he is elected, they place a Crown of
Gold on his Head, and a Sceptre in his Hand. His Robes are of Crimson
Velvet, and he has the title of Serenity.

Here I did business with several Persons of Consideration; the Senators
B--c--i and Delia G----, the rich Banker L----, and Monsignore the
Archprelate X----. So by Cortona, where there is a strong Castle on a
Hill, to Pavia, an old decaying City on the River Tessin, which is so
rapid that Bishop Burnet says he ran down the Stream thirty miles in
three hours by the help of one Rower only. This may be, or t'other way;
but I own to placing very little faith in the veracity of these
Cat-in-Pan Revolution Bishops. Here (at Pavy) is a Brass Statue of
Marcus Antoninus on Horseback; though the Pavians will have it to be
Charles the Fifth, and others declare it to be Constantine the Great.

After two days here, waiting for Despatches from his Eminence, which
came at last in the False Bottom of a Jar of Narbonne Honey, and I
answering by a Billet discreetly buried in the recesses of a large
Bologna Sausage, I posted to Milan, through a fertile and delicious
country, which some call the Garden of Italy. A broad, clean place, with
spacious Streets; but the Wine and Maccaroni not half so good as at
Genoa. The Cathedral full of Relics, some of which run up as high as
Abraham. In the Ambrosian Library are a power of Books, and, what is
more curious, the Dried _Heads_ of several Learned Men--amongst others,
that of our Bishop Fisher, whom King Harry the Eighth put to death for
not acknowledging his Supremacy. About two miles from hence is a
Curiosity, in the shape of a Building, where, if you fire off a Pistol;
the Sound returns about Fifty times. 'Tis done, they told me, by two
Parallel Walls of a considerable length, which reverberate the Sound to
each other till the undulation is quite spent. The which, being so
informed, I was as wise concerning the Echo as I had been before.

It was my Design to have proceeded from Milan either to Venice or to the
famous Capital City of Rome; but Instructions from his Eminence forced
me to retrace my steps, and at Genoa I embarked for Naples. This is a
very handsome place, but villanously Dirty, and governed in a most
Despotic Manner. Nearly all the Corn Country round about belongs to the
Jesuits, who make a pretty Penny by it. The taxes very high, and laid on
Wine, Meat, Oil, and other Necessaries of Life; indeed on every thing
eatable except Fruit and Fowls, which you may buy for a Song. All
Foreigners who have here purchased Estates are loaded with Extraordinary
Taxes and Impositions. The City is remarkable for its Silk Stockings,
Waistcoats, Breeches, and Caps; Soap, Perfume, and Snuff-boxes. They
cool their Wine with Snow, which they get out of pits dug in the
Mountain-sides. Near here, too, is a Burning Mountain they call Vesuvio.
It may be mighty curious, but 'tis as great a Nuisance and Perpetual
Alarm to the peaceable Inhabitants of Naples as a Powder Magazine. Very
often this Vesuvio gives itself up to hideous Bellowing, causing the
Windows, nay the very Houses, in Naples to Shake, and then it vomits
forth vast Quantities of melted Stuff, which streams down the
Mountain-sides like a pot boiling over. Sometimes it darkens the Sun
with Smoke, causing a kind of Eclipse; then a Pillar of Black Smoke will
start up to a prodigious Height in the air, and the next morning you
will find the Court and Terrace of your House, be it ten miles away, all
strewn with Fine Ashes from Vesuvio.




CHAPTER THE SEVENTH.

I FALL INTO THE HANDS OF RECREANT PAYNIMS, AND AM SEDUCED TO A STATE OF
MISERABLE SLAVERY.


I THINK I should have been much better off, if, stopping at Naples, I
had fallen into the blazing Crater of Vesuvio, and have cast up again
into the air in the shape of Red-Hot Ashes. I think it would have been
better for me to be Bitten by the Tarantula Spider (which is about the
size of a small Nutmeg, and when it bites a person throws him into all
kinds of Tumblings, Anger, Fear, Weeping, Crazy Talk, and Wild Actions,
accompanied by a kind of Bedlam Gambado), than to have gone upon the
pretty Dance I was destined to Lead. However, there was no disobeying
the commands of his Eminence, who, in his Smooth Italian way, told me at
Paris that those of his Servants who did not attend to his Behests,
were much subject to dying Suddenly after Supper; and so, Willy-nilly, I
sped upon my Dark Errand.

Business now took me to Venice. This is a very grand City, both for the
Magnificence of its Nobles and the Extent of its Commerce. The Doge is
only a Sumptuous kind of Puppet, the Real Government being vested in the
Seignory, or Council of Ten, that carry matters with a very High Hand,
but, on the whole, give Satisfaction both to the Quality and the Common.
Here are numbers of Priests of a very Free Life and Conversation, and
swarms of Monks that are notorious Evil-doers; for during the Carnival
(a very famous one here) they wear Masks, sing upon Stages, and fall
into many other Practices unbecoming their Profession. The Venetian Nuns
are the merriest in all Europe, and have a not much better Repute than
the Monks, many of them being the Daughters of the Nobility, who dispose
of 'em in this manner to save the Charges of keeping 'em at home. They
wear no Veils; have their Necks uncovered; and receive the Addresses of
Suitors at the Grates of their Parlours. The Patriarch did indeed at one
time essay to Reform the abuses that had crept into the Nunneries; but
the Ladies of San Giacomo, with whom he began, told him plainly that
they were Noble Venetians, and scorned his Regulations. Thereupon he
attempted to shut up their House, which so provoked 'em that they were
going to set Fire to it; but the Senate interposing, commanded the
Patriarch to desist, and these Merry Maidens had full liberty to resume
their Madcap Pranks.

Here they make excellent fine Drinking-glasses and Mirrors; likewise
Gold and Silver Stuffs, Turpentine, Cream of Tartar, and other articles.
The Streets mostly with Water running thro' 'em, like unto Rotterdam,
all going to and fro done in Boats called Gondoles,--a dismal,
Hearse-looking kind of Wherry, with a prow like the head of a Bass-Viol,
and rowed, or rather shoved along with a Pole by a Mad, Ragged Fellow,
that bawls out verses from Tasso, one of their Poets, as he plies his
Oar. The great Sight at Venice, after the Grand Canal and St. Mark's
Place, is the Carnival, which begins on Twelfth Day, and holds all Lent.
The Diversion of the Venetians is now all for Masquerading. Under a
Disguise, they break through their Natural Gravity, and fall heartily
into all the Follies and Extravagances of these occasions. With Operas,
Plays, and Gaming-Houses, they seem to forget all Habits, Customs, and
Laws; lay aside all cares of Business, and swamp all Distinctions of
Rank. This practice of Masking gives rise to a variety of Love
Adventures, of which the less said the better; for the Venetian Bona
Robas, or Corteggiane, as they call 'em now, are a most Artful
Generation. The pursuit of Amours is often accompanied by Broils and
Bloodshed; and Fiery Temper is not confined to the Men, but often breaks
out in the Weaker Sex; an instance of which I saw one day in St. Mark's
Place, where two Fine Women, Masked, that were Rivals for the favour of
the same Gallant, happening to meet, and by some means knowing one
another, they fell out, went to Cuffs, tore off each other's Mask, and
at last drew Knives out of their pockets, with which they Fought so
seriously, that one of them was left for Dead upon the Spot.

Another Frolic of the Carnival is Gaming, which is commonly in
Noblemen's Houses, where there are Tables for that purpose in ten or
twelve Rooms on a floor, and seldom without abundance of Company, who
are all Masked, and observe a profound Silence. Here one meets Ladies of
Pleasure cheek by jowl with Ladies of Quality, who, under the protection
of a convenient piece of Black Satin or Velvet, are allowed to enjoy the
entertainments of the Season; but are generally attended either by the
Husband or his Spies, who keep a watchful eye on their Behaviour.
Besides these Gaming-Rooms, there are others, where Sweetmeats, Wine,
Lemonade, and other Refreshments may be purchased, the Haughty Nobility
of Venice not disdaining to turn Tavern-keepers at this season of the
year. Here it is usual for Gentlemen to address the Ladies and employ
their wit and raillery; but they must take care to keep within the
bounds of Politeness, or they may draw upon themselves the Resentment of
the Husbands, who seldom put up with an Affront of this kind, though
perhaps only imaginary, without exacting a severe Satisfaction. For the
Common People there are Jugglers, Rope-dancers, Fortune-tellers, and
other Buffoons, who have stages in the Square of St. Mark, where, at all
times during the Carnival, 'tis almost impossible to pass along, owing
to the crowd of Masqueraders. Bull Baitings, Races of Gondoles, and
other Amusements, too tedious to enumerate, also take place. But among
the several Shows which attract the eyes of the Populace, I cannot
forbear describing one which is remarkable for its oddity, and perhaps
peculiar to the Venetians. A number of Men, by the help of Poles laid
across each other's Shoulders, build themselves up almost as children do
Cards--four or five Rows of 'em standing one above the other, and
lessening as they advance in height, till at last a little Boy forms
the Top, or Point, of the Structure. After they have stood in this
manner, to be gazed at, some time, the Boy leaps down into the arms of
people appointed to catch him at the Bottom; the rest follow his
example, and so the whole Pile falls to Pieces.

The Nobility of Venice are remarkable for their Persons as well as for
their Polite Behaviour, and have a great deal of Gravity and Wisdom in
their Countenances. They wear a light Cap with a kind of black Fringe,
and a long black Gown of Paduan Cloth, as their Laws require; though the
English have found means to introduce their Manufactures among 'em.
Underneath these Gowns they have suits of Silk; and are extremely neat
as to their Shoes and Stockings. Their Perukes are long, full-bottomed,
and very well Powdered; and they usually carry their Caps in their
Hands. The Women very well shaped, though they endeavour to improve
their Complexions with Washes and Paint. These of Quality wear such
high-heeled Shoes, that they can scarce walk without having two people
to support them. In matters of Religion (though their worship is as
pompous as Gold and Jewels can make it) the Venetians are very Easy and
Unconcerned; and neither Pope nor Inquisition is thought much of in the
Dominions of the Seignory. For Music in their Churches they have a
perfect Passion. The City is well furnished with Necessaries; but the
want of Cellarage makes all the Wine sour. The Inhabitants are of a
Fresh Complexion, and not much troubled with Coughs; which is strange,
they having so much Water about 'em. They begin their day at Sunset, and
count one o'clock an hour after, and so on to twenty-four; which is
likewise a Custom, I believe, among the Chineses.

They bury their Dead within the Four-and-Twenty Hours, and sometimes
sooner. The Funerals of Persons of Quality are performed with great Pomp
and Solemnity; and the deceased are carried to the Place of Interment
with their Faces bare. Whilst I was in Venice, their Patriarch (who is a
kind of Independent Pontiff in his own way; for, as I have said, they
reckon but little of his Holiness here) died, and was buried with this
Ceremony. He was carried in one of his own Coaches, by night, to St.
Mark's Church, which was all hung with Black for the occasion; and next
day the Corpse was laid on a Bed in the very middle of the Church,
dressed in the Sacerdotal Habit, with the Head towards the Choir, and
his Tiara, or Mitre, lying at the feet. At each corner of the bed stood
a _valet de chambre_, holding a Banner of Black Taffety, with the Arms
of the Deceased. A hundred large Wax Tapers were placed in Candlesticks
round the bed, and High Mass was sung; the Sopranos very beautiful.
After Mass was over, all retired; but the Body lay exposed till evening,
when it was stripped of its Vestments (for though a very Gorgeous
people, they are Economical in their ways), and put into a Leaden
Coffin, enclosed in another of Cypress, and was then let down into the
Grave. 'Tis not usual with the Relations to attend the Funeral, which
they look upon as a Barbarous Custom. But they wear Mourning longer and
more regularly than in many other countries. A woman in a Mourning Habit
appears Black from Head to Foot, not the least Bit of Linen being to be
seen.

The nature of my Employment now brought me into intimate Commerce with
Monsieur B----, a French Merchant of Lyons, who treated me with
extraordinary Civility, and made great Offers of being of Assistance to
me in my Voyage to Constantinople, whither I was now Bound. This
Gentleman, by means of the French Ambassador at the Porte, had gotten a
Firman, or passport, to enable him to Travel to that City, and with a
proper number of Attendants, through any part of the Turkish Dominions.
As 'tis inconvenient and dangerous Voyaging though the territories of
the Great Turk without such a Protection, nothing could be more
Agreeable than the offer he made me of his Company, the more so as his
Eminence had enjoined me to keep a Strict Watch upon every thing that M.
B---- said or did. He had designed to reach Constantinople by Land
through Bosnia, Servia, Bulgaria, and Roumania; yet, in compliance with
my Inclination (I wish my Inclination had been at the Deuce), which was
all for a Sea Passage, he consented to embark on board a Vessel bound to
Candia and other Islands of the Archipelago, from which we were to
procure a Passage to the Capital of the Ottoman Empire. What made this
Gentleman's Society more acceptable, was his thorough Knowledge of the
Trade of the Levant, and the Genius and Temper of the People. Thus, he
informed me of the Method of Dealing with Jews, Armenians, and Greeks;
of the Eastern manner of travelling in Caravans, and the necessary
precautions against such Accidents as are mostly fatal to Strangers; and
instructed me in the Art of concealing Things of Value,--although I
think I too could have given him a lesson in that Device,--and avoiding
those Snares which Governors, Military Officers, and Petty Princes make
use of in order to plunder Travellers and Merchants. Under these
favourable Auspices, we embarked, in the Autumn of '37, on board a
Trading Vessel called the _San Marco_, bound for Candia, but first for
Malta, so famous for its Order of Knights. A fine Gale at North-West
carried us pleasantly down the Gulf of Venice, or Adriatic Sea; and on
the fifth day we came in sight of Otranto, a Town destroyed by the Turks
nigh Three Hundred years ago, since which time it has hardly regained
its Ancient Lustre, but at present well Fortified, and defended by a
High Castle, which I have heard the Honourable Mr. Walpole, a Fine,
Lardy-Dardy, Maccaroni Gentleman, that lives at a place called
Strawberry Hill, by Twitnam, in England, has written a silly Romantic
Tale about. So we got clear of the Gulf of Venice, and in three days
more, after making Cape Passaro in Sicily, entered the Haven of Malta.

This is an Island that lies between Sicily and the Coast of Africa, and
is of an Egg-shaped figure, about twenty miles long and twelve broad.
The City of Malta is divided into three parts, which are properly so
many Rocks jutting out into the Sea, with large Harbours between them.
That called Valetta, in honour of the Grand Master who so gallantly
defended the place against the Turks, is extremely well Fortified, and
also defended by a Castle, held to be impregnable. The City contains
about Two Thousand Houses, well built with white Stone, and Flat-roofed,
surrounded by Rails and Balusters. On t'other side of the Harbour is
another City, formerly called Il Borgo, or the Borough, but now named
Citta Vittoriosa, alluding to the terrible Mauling the Turks got here in
1566. St. John's Church very handsome, and on one side of it a fine
Piazza, with a Fountain in the corner. Here are all the Tombs of the
Grand Masters, and a great many Flags taken from the Turks. The Right
Hand of St. John Baptist, wanting but Two Fingers, shown here for Money,
with many other Relics and Ornaments. The Grand Master lives in a
magnificent Palace; and close by is an Arsenal, with Arms for Thirty
Thousand Men.

The Treasury is a very stately Edifice; but what gives the highest Idea
of the Charity of this illustrious Order is their noble Hospital, where
all the Sick are received and provided for with the utmost Care. The
Rooms are large and commodious, and in each of them there are but two
Patients. Their Diet is brought to them in rich Silver Plate by the
Knights themselves, who are obliged to this attendance by their
Constitutions; and such an exact Decorum is observed, and every thing
performed with such Magnificence, that it raises the astonishment of
Strangers.

But if there be Charity and Benevolence for the Christian Sick, there is
little Mercy shown towards Infidels and Miscreants. The Prison for the
Slaves is an enormous Building, with a Colonnade running round it, and
capable of lodging three or four Thousand of those Unhappy People. There
are seldom less than Two Thousand in the House, except when the Galleys
of the Order are at Sea upon some Expedition. Then the poor Wretches are
Chained, Night and Day, to the Oar; but when on Shore they have only a
small Lock on their Ankles, like the slaves at Leghorn, and are
permitted to go to any part of the Island, from which they have seldom
an opportunity of making their Escape.

The Knights of the Order of St. John of Jerusalem, commonly called
Knights of Malta, after removing from Jerusalem to Magrath, from thence
to Acre, and thence to Rhodes, were expelled from that Island by the
Sultan Solyman, having an Army of Three Hundred Thousand Men. The
Knights retired, first to Candia, and then to Sicily; but at last the
Emperor Charles the Fifth gave 'em the Island of Malta, which they hold
to this day. They formerly consisted of Eight Languages or Tongues,
according to their Different Nations, viz. those of Provence, Auvergne,
France, Italy, Arragon, Germany, Castile, and England; but this last one
has been extinct since our Harry the Eighth's time, and what English
Knights there be who are <DW7>s are forced to find their Tongue where
they can. Each of the Languages has its Chiefs, who are also called
Pillars and Grand Crosses, being distinguished by a large White Cross
'broidered on their Breasts. The Seven Languages have their respective
Colleges and Halls in Malta, the Head of each House being called the
Grand Prior of his Nation; and to each belongs a certain number of his
Commanderies. The Knights, at their entrance into the Order, must prove
their Legitimacy, as well as Nobility, by four Descents, and are termed
Chevaliers by Right. Those who are raised to the rank of Nobles, for
some Valiant Exploit, are called Chevaliers by Favour. None are admitted
by the Statutes of the Order under the age of Sixteen; but some are
received from their very Infancy on paying a large Sum of Money, or by
Dispensation from the Pope. All the Knights oblige themselves to
Celibacy, which does not hinder their leading very Disorderly Lives; and
indeed Malta is full of Loose Cattle of all kinds. When they are
Professed, a Carpet is spread on the Ground, on which is set a Piece of
Bread, a Cup of Water, and a Naked Blade; and they are told, "This is
what Religion gives you. You must procure yourself the rest with your
Sword." The which they do, to a pretty considerable Tune, by spoiling of
the Turks. After they make their Vows, they wear a White Cross or Star,
with Eight Points, over their Cloaks or Coats, on the Left Side, which
is the proper Badge of their Order, the Golden Maltese Cross being only
an Ornament. The ordinary Habit of the Grand Master is a kind of
Cassock, open before, and tied about him with a Girdle, at which hangs a
Purse, alluding to the Charitable ends of their Order;--but 'tis not to
be denied that they have grown very Proud, and Live, many of 'em, in as
Shameful Luxury as the Prince Bishops of Germany. Over his Cassock the
Grand Master wears a Velvet Gown or Cloak when he goes to Church on
Solemn Festivals. He is addressed under the Title of Eminence by all the
Knights; but his Subjects of Malta, and the Neighbouring Islands, style
him Your Highness. As Sovereign, he coins Money, pardons Criminals, and
bestows the places of Grand Priors, Bailiffs, &c.; but in most cases of
importance is obliged to seek the advice of his Council, so that he is
not wholly Absolute. The Ecclesiastics proper of the Order--for the rest
are but Military Monks, that do a great deal more Fighting than Praying,
and savour much more of the Camp than of the Convent--are Chaplains,
Monastic Clerks, and Deacons. They likewise wear a White Cross, partake
of the Privileges of the Institution, and are great Rascals.

'Tis well known that the Knights of Malta are destined to the Profession
of Arms for the Defence of the Christian Faith, and the Protection of
Pilgrims of all Nations. It is to be observed, that there are also
Female Hospitallers of the Order of St. John, sometimes called
Chevalieres, or She-Knights, of equal Antiquity with the Knights, whose
business it is to take care of the Women Pilgrims in a Hospital apart
from that of the Men. As the Order look upon the Turks as the Great
Enemies of Christianity, they think themselves obliged to be in a state
of perpetual Hostility with that people, and, for Centuries, have never
so much as signed the preliminaries of a Peace with 'em. They have
performed innumerable and astonishing exploits against their much-hated
Enemies, the Insolence of whose Rovers they continue to Restrain and
Chastise, except when the Rovers, as sometimes happens, get the better
of 'em. They have Seven Galleys belonging to the Order, each of which
carries Five Hundred Men, and as many Wretches in Fetters tugging away
at the Oar, for Dear Life. Every one of these Galleys mounts Sixteen
Pieces of Heavy Artillery; and besides these they fit out a great many
Private Ships, by license from the Grand Master, to cruise up and down
among the Turks, doing great Havoc, and thereby growing very Rich. Thus
it will be plain to the Reader that a Knight of Malta is a kind of
Medley of Seaman, Swashbuckler, and Saint--Admiral Benbow, Field-Marshal
Wade, and Friar Tuck all rolled up into one.

I did become acquainted with one of these Holy Roystering Cavalieros,
by the name of Don Ercolo Amadeo Sparafucile di San Lorenzo, that was a
perfect Model of all these Characteristics. He Confessed with almost as
great regularity as he Sinned. The Chaplains must have held him as one
of the heartiest of Penitents; for he never came back from a Cruise
without a whole Sackful of Misdeeds, and straightway hied him to St.
John's Church, to fling his Sinful Ballast overboard and lighten ship.
How he swore! I never heard a man take the entrails of Alexander the
Great in vain before; but this was an ordinary expletive with Don
Ercolo. He belonged to the Italian Language, though I suspected he had a
dash of the Spanish in him; and many a Gay Bout over the choicest of
Wines have I had with him at his Inn, as their College-halls are
sometimes called. He could drink like a Fish, and fight like a Paladin.
He was a good Practical Sailor and Master of Navigation; Rode with ease
and dexterity; and was a Proficient in that most difficult trick of the
_Manege_, that of riding a horse _en Biais_, as the French term it, and
of which our Newcastle has learnedly treated; was an admirable Performer
on the Guitar and Viol di Gamba; Sung very sweetly; Fenced exquisitely;
must have been in his Youth (he was now about Sixty, and his Hair was
grizzled grey) as Beautiful as a Woman, as Graceful as my Sweet
Protectress Lilias, as Brave as the Cid, and as Cruel as Pedro of Spain.
As it is so long ago, and the Principal Parties in the Affair are all
Dead, I don't mind disclosing that my Instructions from his Eminence the
Cardinal were to Buy the Cavaliere di San Lorenzo at any Price. I told
him so plainly over a Flask of Right Alicant, at a little Feast I had
made for him in return for his many Hospitalities, and gave him to
understand that he had but to say the word, and Scroppa, the great
Goldsmith of Strada Reale, would be glad to cash his Draft for any Sum
under Fifty Thousand Ducats. For his Eminence wanted the Cavaliere to be
a Friend of France, and France at that time thought that she very much
wanted the Island of Malta.

Don Ercolo was not in the least angry; only, he Laughed in my Face.

"Chevalier Escarbotin," he said gaily, "you have mistaken your man. Tell
his Eminence the Cardinal de ---- that he may go and hang himself. I am
not to be bought. I am Rich to Two Hundred and Fifty Thousand ounces of
Gold, all got out of spoiling the Infidels. When I die, I shall leave
half to the Order, and half to the families of certain Poor Women
Creatures whom I have wronged, and who are Dead."

I said, to appease him, that I was but Joking.

"Ta, ta, ta!" retorts he. "I know your Trade well enough. I have been
too much among men not to be able to scent out a Spy. But you are a very
Jovial Fellow, Escarbotin; and I don't care what you are, so long as you
are not a Turk, which, by the way, I don't think you would mind
turning."

"O, Signore Cavaliere!"--I began to expostulate.

"What does it matter?" quoth Don Ercolo. "Does it matter anything at
all? Perhaps some of these days, when I am tired of the Eight Points, I
shall take the Turban myself."

"A Renegado!" I cried.

"Many a brave Gentleman has turned Renegado ere this," answered he.
"Next to the pleasure of Fighting the Turks, I should esteem the
condition of being a Turk myself, and fighting against the Order of
Malta. But I forgot. You are a Lutheran; although how you came to be a
Protestant, with that name of Escarbotin, I can't make out."

I murmured something about belonging to the Reformed Church at Geneva;
although I forgot that they were mostly Calvinists there, not Lutherans.
But of this Don Ercolo took little notice, and went on.

"When you write to the Cardinal, tell him that Ercolo Amadeo Sparafucile
di San Lorenzo is not to be purchased. The sly old Fox! He knows I have
great influence with my Uncle the Grand Master. Tell him that I am very
much obliged to him for his Offer, and thank him for old Acquaintance'
sake. Nay; I believe I am some kind of Kinsman of his Eminence, on the
Mother's side. But assure him that I am not in the least Angry with him.
If I were Poor, I should probably accept his Offer; but none of the Poor
Knights of our Order are worth Buying. It matters little to me whether
France, or Spain, or even Heretic England gets hold of this scorching
Rock, with its Swarms of Hussies and Rascals; only I prefer amusing
myself, and fighting the Turks, to meddling in Politics, and running the
risk of a life-long dungeon in the Castle of St. Elmo."

There was a long Silence after this, and he seemed plunged in profound
Meditation. Suddenly he fills a Cup with Wine, drains it, and, in his
old careless manner, says to me,

"Tell him this--be sure to tell him, lest he should be at the trouble of
sending Emissaries to Poison me--I have the best Antidote of any in the
Levant, and shall take three drops of it after every Bite and Sup for
Six Months to come. Not that I dread you. All Spy as you are, you still
look like an Honest Fellow. _You_ would not poison an old Friend, would
you, Little JACK DANGEROUS?"

I started to my feet, and stared at the grizzled, handsome Knight in
blank amazement. We had been conversing in the French tongue; but the
latter part of his Speech he had uttered in mine own English, and with a
faultless accent. Moreover, where before had I heard that Voice, had I
seen that Face? My Memory rolled back over the hills and valleys of
years; but the Mountains were too high, and the Recesses behind them
inaccessible without Mental Climbing, for which I was not prepared.

"Little Jack Dangerous," continued the grizzled Knight, "where have you
been these Seven-and-thirty Years? When I knew you first, you were but a
poor little Runaway Schoolboy, and I was a Tearing Fellow in the Flush
and Pride of my hot Youth."

"A Runaway Schoolboy!" I stammered.

"Ay! had you not fled from the Tyranny of one Gnawbit?"

"I remember Gnawbit well," I answered, with a shudder.

"Do you remember Charlwood Chase, and the Blacks that were wont to kill
Venison there?"

"I do."

"And Mother Drum, and Cicely, and Jowler, and the Night Attack, and how
near you were being hanged? Do you remember Captain Night?"

A Light broke in upon me. I recognised my earliest Protector. I seized
his Hand. I was fairly blubbering, and would have rushed into his Arms;
but there was something Cold and Haughty in his Manner that repulsed me.

"'Tis well," he said. "I am a Knight of the most Illustrious Order of
St. John of Jerusalem, and an Italian Cavalier of Degree. You----"

"I am a Spy," I cried out half-sobbing. "What was I to do? My Malignant
Fate hath ever been against me. I am despicable in your Eyes, but not
so despicable as I am in mine own."

"There, there," he cries out, very placably. "There's no great harm
done, and there's much of a muchness between us. When you first came
across me, was I not stealing the King's Deer in Charlwood Chase,
besides being in trouble--I don't mind owning to you now--on account of
King James? 'Twixt you, Jack Dangerous, Flibustier, Saltabadil, and Spy,
and Captain Night, now called Don Ercolo et cetera, et cetera di San
Lorenzo, and a Knight of Malta, there is not much, perhaps, to choose.
The World hath its strange Ups and Downs, and we must e'en make the best
of them. Sit you down, Jack Dangerous, and we will have t'other Flask."

We had t'other Flask, and very good Wine it was; and for the rest of the
time I remained in Malta, Don Ercolo continued to be my Fast Friend,
even as he had been in my Youth. And yet 'twas mainly through his
Instrumentality that I quitted the Island; for he sent his Page to me
with a Letter, written in our own dear English Tongue, in the which he
instantly desired me, as I valued my Life and the Interests of my
Employers, to put the Broad Seas between myself and the Grand Master;
for that an Inkling of my Errand had got wind, and that the Party
unfavourable to France being then uppermost, I ran immediate risk of
being cast into a Dungeon, if not Hanged. For this Reason, said Don
Ercolo, he must forbear any further Commerce with me (not wishing to
draw Suspicion on himself, for the Knights are very jealous in Political
Affairs); but he assured me of his continued Friendship, and desired if
I stood in Need of any Funds for my Journey, to inform the Page, that he
might furnish me secretly with what Gold I needed. But I wanted nothing
in this way, having ample Credits; so making up my Valises with all
convenient Speed, the Chevalier Escarbotin bade adieu to Malta.

I took a passage in a Speronare that was bound to Candia, where I hoped
to find some Trading Vessel of heavier Burden to take me to
Constantinople. The Mediterranean Sea here very beautiful, and
delightful to see the Dolphins, Tunnies, and other Fish, that frequently
leapt out of the Water, and followed our Ship in great Numbers. Also a
Waterspout, which is a Phenomenon very well known to Seamen in the
Levant Trade, and reckoned very dangerous. It looked mighty Fierce and
Terrific; and our Sailors, to conjure it away, had recourse to the
Superstitious Devices of cutting the air with a Black-Handled Knife, and
reading the First Chapter of St. John's Gospel, accounted of great
Efficacy in dispersing these Spouts.

Woe is me! After Six Days' most pleasant Sailing, and after doubling
Cape Spada, and in very sight of Canea (which is the Port of Candia), a
strange Sail hove in Sight, gave Chase, came up to us an hour before
sundown, and without as much as, By your leave, or With your leave,
opened Fire upon us. A Couple of Swingeers from her Double-shotted Guns
were a Bellyful for our poor little Speronare, in which there were but
Ten Men and a Boy, Passengers included; and we were fain to submit. Oh,
the intolerable Shame and Disgrace! that Jack Dangerous, who had been
All Round the World with that Renowned Commander, Captain Blokes, and
had Chased, Taken, and Plundered many a good tall ship belonging to the
Spaniards,--ay, and had landed on their Main, Spoiled their Cities and
Settlements, Toasted their fine Ladies, and held their Chief Governors
to Ransom,--should be laid in the Bilboes by a Rascally African Pirate
Vessel mounting Nine Guns, and belonging to the most Heathenish,
Knavish, and Bloodthirsty Town of Algiers. My Gall works now to think of
it; but Force was against us, and the Disaster was not to be helped. I
was in such a Mad Rage as to be near Braining the Captain of the
Speronare with a Marline-Spike, and would have assuredly blown out the
Brains of the first Moor that boarded us, had not the Italian Captain
and his Mate seized each one of my arms, and by Main Force wrested my
Weapons from me. And in this (though hotly enraged with 'em at first,
and calling them all kinds of Abusive Epithets) I think they acted less
like Traitors than like Persons of Sense and Discretion; for what were
we Ten (and the Boy) against full Fifty powerful Devils, all armed to
the Teeth, and who would assuredly have cut all our Throats had we shown
the least Resistance?

So they had their Will of us, and we were all made Prisoners,
preparatory to undergoing the worse Fate of Slaves. Vain now, indeed,
were all his Eminence's Secret Precautions about the Concealment of
Missives; for these Rascal Moors made no more ado, but stripped us of
every Rag of Clothing, ripping up the Seams thereof, and examining our
very Hair, in quest of Gold and Jewels. The Boatswain, however, that was
appointed to search me, after taking from me all my Stock of Money,
which was Considerable, returned to me the famous Bit of Parchment
between the Glasses, which was to bear me Harmless against the Claws of
Holy Mother Church if she happened to turn Tiger-Cat; for these
Mahometans have a profound respect for Charms and Amulets, and very
like he took this for one, which could be no good to him, an Infidel,
but might serve a Frank at a pinch. There was another Article, too,
which he restored to me, after Examination, and of which I have hitherto
made no mention. What was this but a little Portrait of my Beloved
Protectress, which I carried with me next my Heart? Not that I had ever
ventured to be so bold as to Ask her for such a pledge, or that she had
been complaisant enough to give it me; but while I was in Paris there
had been limned by the great French Painter, Monsieur Boucher, a Picture
of one of the Opera Ballets, not Orpheus's Story, but something out of
Homer's Poetry,--_Ulysse chez Alcinous_, I think 'twas called,--and this
Picture contained very Life-like Effigies of all the Dancers that stood
in the front rank, of whom my sweet Mistress Lilias was one. From this
an Engraving in the Line Manner was made, which was put forth by the
Print-sellers just before I left Paris; and I declare I gave a Louis
d'Or, and Ten Livres, Twelve Sols, for a Copy, and cutting out the
Pictured Head of my Protectress with a sharp Penknife, had it pasted
down and framed in a Golden Locket. When the Boatswain saw this, he
Grinned, till the Turban round his tawny Head might have been taken for
a Horse-collar. He wrenched the Portrait out of its Frame, and put the
Gold among the heap of Plunder that was gathered, for after division, on
the Deck, and was then about to throw the dear Bit of Paper into the
Sea,--for these Moors think it Sinful to portray the Human Countenance
in any way,--but I besought him so Earnestly, both by Signs and
supplicatory Gestures, and even, I believe, Tears, to restore it to me,
that he desisted; and putting his Finger to his Lips, as a Hint that I
was not to reveal his Clemency to his Commander, gave me back my
precious Portrait. He would have, however, the fine Chain I wore round
my Neck; so I was fain to make an Opening between the two Sheets of
Glass that covered my Amulet, and push in the Portrait, face downwards;
and the two together I hung to a bit of slender Lanyard. But all my
brave Clothes were taken from me, and in an Hour after my Capture I was
Bare-footed, and with no other Apparel than a Ragged Shirt and a Pair of
Drawers of Canvas. To this Accoutrement was speedily added about
Twenty-one Pounds of Fetters on the Wrists and Ankles; and then I, and
the Captain, and the Mate, and the Men, and the Boy, were put into a
Boat and taken on board the Algerine, where we were flung into the Hold,
and had nothing better to eat for many days than Mouldy Biscuit and
Bilge-Water. The Cargo of the Speronare was mostly Crockery-ware and
Household Stuff, for the use of the Candiotes; and the Moors would not
be at the trouble of Removing, so they Scuttled her, and bore away to
the Norrard.

_Item._--I swallowed my Despatches; but the Moors got hold of my Letters
of Credit and my Cipher.




CHAPTER THE EIGHTH.

AFTER MANY SURPRISING VICISSITUDES, J. DANGEROUS BECOMES BESTUSCHID
BASHAW.


SO we were all taken into Algiers. 'Tis called "The Warlike" by that
proud People, the Turks; but with much more Reason, I think, should it
be named "The Thievish." Out upon the Robbers' Den! This most abominable
Place, which has, during so many Ages, braved the Resentment of the most
powerful Princes of Christendom, is said to contain above 100,000
Mahometans,--among them not above Thirty Renegadoes,--15,000 Jews, and
4000 Christian Slaves. 'Tis full of Mosques and other Heathenish places
of Worship, and is strongly Fortified, both towards the Sea and the
Land. The Ship that took us was a Brigantine; and they have nigh a
Hundred of 'em (besides Rowboats), mounting from Ten to Fifty Guns, with
which they ravage the Trade of Europe. There is little within the City
that is Curious, save the Dogs, which are very abundant, and very Fierce
and Nasty. The Street Bab-Azoun is full of Shops, and Jews dealing in
Gems and Goldsmiths' Work. The Hills and Valleys round the City are
every where beautified with Gardens and Country Seats, whither the
Wealthy Turks retire during the Heats of Summer. Some of the Wild
Bedoween Tribes up the country go Bare-headed, binding their Temples
only with a Fillet to prevent their hair growing troublesome. But the
Moors and Turks in Algiers wear on the Crowns of their Heads a small Cap
of Scarlet Woollen Cloth, that is made at Fez. The Turban is folded
round the bottom of these Caps, and by the fashion of the folds you can
tell the Soldiers from the Citizens. The Arabs wear a loose Garment
called a Hyke, which serves them as a complete Dress by Day, and a Bed
and Coverlet by Night. 'Tis observable that when the Moorish Women
appear in Public, they constantly fold themselves so close up in their
Hykes that very little of their Faces can be seen; but in the Summer
Months, when they retire to their Country Seats, they walk about with
less Caution and Reserve, and, at the approach of a Stranger, only let
fall their Veils.

What became of the Master and Crew of the Speronare I know not. They
were but Weakly Creatures; and I conjecture were sold off into private
Hands and sent up the country. Now, although I was past the Middle Age,
and indeed drifting into years, I was still of Unbowed Stature and great
Strength, and a Personable Fellow, hardened in the furnace of Danger and
Adventure. This led to my being reserved from the public Slave-Market
for the Dey of Algiers' own use. Woe is me, again! The Distinction
profited me little, for it merely amounted to my being made Stroke-oar
of the third row of the Dey's State-barge, or Galleasse. Imagine me now,
in a Tunic and Drawers of Scarlet Serge, and a White Turban round my
Head to keep me from Sun-stroke, chained by the Ankles to a bench, and
with an Iron Collar round my Neck, from which another Chain passed to a
Bar running fore and aft the whole length of the Galleasse. Between the
benches of Rowers runs a narrow Planking; and up and down this
continually patrols a great Tawny Ruffian of a Moorish Boatswain, armed
with a Whip of Rhinoceros Hide, which, with a Will, he lays on to the
Shoulders of those who do not tug hard enough at the Oar. Miserable and
fallen as was my state, I did yet manage to evade the crowning
Degradation of Stripes; for, being a Man used to the Sea, and full of
Courageous Activity, I got through my toil so as to make it impossible
for my Superiors to find fault with me; and besides, in a few words of
Lingua Franca that I picked up, I gave the Boatswain to understand that
if he ever hit me with his Rhinoceros Thong, I should take the earliest
opportunity of Strangling him. As for our Food, 'twas mainly Beans, and
in the morning a Mess of boiled Maize they call Couscoussou, with some
villanous Rank Butter, melted, poured over it. And sometimes the Carcass
of a Sheep that had died of Disease was given to us. But whatever we had
was eaten on our benches, and the Cook of the Galleasse passed up and
down the planking to serve out the Rations. We Ate on our benches, we
Slept on our benches, and some of us died on our benches. There were
Ninety-two Christian Slaves on board the Dey's Galleasse, and Twelve on
my Bench. Being Stroke-oar, I was spared the continual contemplation of
a Man's back in front of me, which other Slaves have told me makes you
so mad that you want to Bite him; but 'twas scarcely less Vexatious to
have behind, as I had, a Chattering Fellow of a Frenchman, for ever
jabbering forth his complaints, and not bearing them with the surly
Dignity of a Briton. I could almost _hear_ this fellow grimace; and he
was never tired of bemoaning his bygone happy state as a Hairdresser's
Journeyman in the Rue St. Honore at Paris. "Why did a Vain Ambition
prompt me to journey from Marseilles to Constantinople?" cried he about
Fifty times a day. "Why did I rely on the protection of my Wife's
Cousin, who gave me recommendations to his brother, Cook-in-Chief to the
Ambassador of France at the court of the Antique Byzantium (_l'antique
Byzance_)? Where is my Wife? Where is my Wife's Cousin? They are
drinking the wine of Ramponneau; they are dancing at the Barriers. Oh,
my Cocotte! where is my Cocotte?"

"Hang your Cocotte!" I used to cry out in a rage. "'Tis bad enough to be
mewed up here like a Bear in a pit, without being worried by a
counfounded Barber's Clerk!"

I had been Tugging at the Oar full Six Months, when a change came over
my lamentable Lot. The Dey of Algiers was at this time one Mahomet
Bassa, a very Bold, Fierce, Fighting Man, but of the meanest Extraction,
and one, indeed, that had been no more than a common Soldier, from which
he had sprung to be, by turns, Oda-Bashee or Lieutenant, Bullock-Bashee
or Captain, Tiah-Bashee or Colonel, and Aga or General. For among these
strange people every valiant and aspiring Soldier,--I wish 'twas so in
England,--though taken yesterday from the Plough, may be considered as
Heir-Apparent to the Throne. Nor are they ashamed of the obscurity of
their birth. This Mahomet Bassa, in a dispute he once had with the
Spanish Consul, said: "My mother sold Sheep's Trotters, and my father
Neat's Tongues; but they would have been ashamed to expose for sale on
their stalls a Tongue so worthless as thine." Mahomet Bassa was, like
most of the Turks, a man of Pleasure, and his Harem was furnished with
an extraordinary number of choice Beauties.

His Highness (as he is called), happening to single me out from the rest
of the Slaves on board of the Galleasse, and being told that I was
English--for equally in hopes of Bettering my Condition, and for the
purpose of keeping Secret my Employment with his Eminence, I had avowed
myself to be of that Nation--ordered me to be released from my Chains,
and brought before him at the Divan. Through his Interpreter, a cunning
Rogue from Corfu, who spoke most Languages indifferently well, he asked
me who I was, and how I came to be aboard the Speronare. I answered,
conveniently mixing fact with fiction, that I had been a Captain by Sea
and Land in the Service of the King of England; that I had earned a good
deal of Prize-Money; had retired from Active Duties, being now nigh upon
Fifty years of Age, and was taking my pleasure by voyaging in a part of
Europe with which I had hitherto been little acquainted. This Answer
seemed to satisfy him pretty well; although he was very curious to know
whether I had any Kindred in the Island of Malta, or any foregathering
among the Knights. Fortunately for me the Interpreter, to whom I had
given a hint of ultimate Reward, deposed that I could not speak twenty
words of Maltese (which is a kind of Bastard Italian); and he told me
that if it had been discovered that I was in any way Connected with the
Order, I should surely have been Impaled; the Dey being then in a
towering rage with the Knights, one of whose commanders had just
captured one of his finest Brigantines, and Dressed Ship, as he
humorously put it, by hanging every Man-Jack of the Crew at the
Yard-arm, and the Algerine Captain at the Mizen. The Dey then asked me
if I had any Friends who I thought would pay my Ransom, the which he
placed at the Moderate Computation of Four Thousand Gold Achmedies
(about Fifteen Hundred Pounds sterling). I answered, that I thought I
could raise about half that Sum, if I were allowed to communicate with
one Monsieur Foscue, a Banker at Marseilles, upon whom I had--or rather
my Captors had--a Letter of Credit, which they had taken from me. But by
Ill-luck this Letter of Credit could not be found. The Captain and Crew
of the Rover that took the Speronare were all well bastinadoed about it,
but no Letter was forthcoming; and I am more inclined to think that it
was thrown, in sheer Ignorance, overboard, than that it was Embezzled.
However, as 'twas not to be discovered, the Dey began to look upon me
as an Impostor; but I earnestly represented to the Interpreter that, if
I had time to write to Monsieur Foscue, all would be right. This I had
his Highness's gracious permission to do, and meanwhile was to remain a
Slave; but was not sent back to the Galleys. Being a Strong Fellow, and
professing to know something about Gardening--Lord help me! I had never
touched a Spade ten times in my Life--I was sent to work in his
Highness's Gardens at the Castle of Sitteet-ako-Leet. As for my Letter,
I penned it in as good French as I could muster, begging Monsieur Foscue
to communicate at once with his Eminence, telling him how I had been
captured, and that my Letter of Credit had been taken from me, and of
the Sorry Plight I was now in. I was given to understand that from Six
to Nine Months must pass by before I could expect an Answer; for that
Safe Conducts to Christian Packets between Algiers and Marseilles were
only granted thrice a year, and the last was but just departed.
Whereupon I resigned myself to my Captivity, hoping for Better Days.

The Head Gardener of the Dey was an old Renegado German, named Baupwitz,
who tried hard to convert me to the Mussulman Faith. But in addition to
my stanch Attachment to the Protestant Religion, I could see that the
State and Condition of the few Renegados in Algiers was very mean and
miserable, and that they were despised alike by Turks, Moors, Arabs,
Bedoweens, and Jews. And, indeed, what good had Baupwitz done himself by
turning Paynim? Thus much I put to him plainly; at which the Old Man was
angered, and for some days used me very spitefully; when the Dey, coming
to the Castle, took it into his head to have me brought back to Algiers,
and enrolled among his Musicians as a Player upon the Cymbals. I declare
that although able to troll out a Stave now and then, I could not so
much as Whistle "God save the King;" but I managed to clash my two
Saucepan-Lids or Cymbals together and to make a Noise, which is all the
Turks care for, they having no proper Ear for Music. As one of his
Highness's Musicians, I was dressed very grandly, with a monstrous
Turban all covered with Gold Spangles and Silk Tassels; but I had a
Collar of Silver riveted round my Neck, and Silver Shackles round my
Ancles, and Silver Manacles round my Wrists; and was still a Slave.

The rest of the Musicians were either Black <DW64>s or Cophtic
Christians, and they used me with Decent Civility; nor did the Master of
the Musicians--otherwise a most cruel Moor--go out of his way to flout,
much less smite me with his Rattan. If he had dared but to lay one
Stripe upon me, I would have sprang upon the Wretch and dashed out his
Brains with my Cymbals, even if I had been put upon the Pale for it half
an hour afterwards.

Lodged in the Guard-house at the Dey's Palace, with pretty abundant
Rations, and some few Piastres daily to buy Wine (I being a Frank) and
Tobacco, and pretty well treated by the Colologlies, or Moorish
Soldiers, I did not pass such a very bad time of it; and when off Duty,
had liberty to go about the City and Suburbs pretty much as I chose. And
I was a hundred times better off than the Moslem Slaves are at Malta.

These Algerines are an Uncouth, Savage People; and the Turkish Despotism
has quite destroyed that security and Liberty which of old gave birth
and encouragement to Learning: hence the knowledge of Medicine,
Philosophy, and the Mathematics, which once so flourished among the
Arabs, is now almost entirely lost. The Children of the Moors and Turks
are sent to School at about Six years old, where they are taught to Read
and Write for the value of about a Penny a week of our Money. Instead of
Paper or a Slate, each boy has a piece of thin square Board, slightly
daubed over with Whiting; on this he makes his Letters, which may be
wiped off or renewed at pleasure. Having made some progress in the
Koran, he is initiated into the Ceremonies and Mysteries of the
Mahometan Religion; and when he has distinguished himself in any of
these branches of Learning, he is Richly Dressed, mounted on a Horse
finely Caparisoned, and paraded, amidst the Huzzas of his
School-fellows, through the Streets; while his Friends and Relations
assemble to congratulate his Parents, and load him with Toys and
Sweetmeats. And this Observance answers to our Western Rite of
Confirmation. But after being three or four years at School, the Boys
are put 'Prentice to Trades or enrolled in the Army, where they very
speedily forget all they have learnt.

Though such bold Sailors, the Algerines are very despicable as
Navigators. Their chief Astronomer, Muley Hamet Ben Daoud, when I was
there, who superintended and regulated the Hours of Prayer by the Moon
and Stars, had not the skill to make a Sundial; and in Navigation they
cannot get beyond Pricking of a Chart, and distinguishing the Eight
principal Points of the Compass. Even Chemistry, which was once the
favourite Science of these people, is at present only applied to the
Distilling of a little Rose-water. The Physicians chiefly study the
Spanish Translation of Dioscorides (that was a Learned Leech in Olden
Times); but the Figures of the Plants and Animals are more consulted
than the Descriptions: yet are these Knaves naturally Subtle and
Ingenious; wanting nothing but Application and Patronage to cultivate
and improve their Faculties. They are for the most part Predestinarians,
and pay little regard to Physic, either leaving the Disorder to contend
with Nature, or making use of Charms and Incantations. They, however,
resort to the Hammam, or Hot Bagnio (a great Sweating-bath, and a
sovereign Remedy for most Distempers), and have a few Specifics in
general use. Thus, in Pleurisy and the Rheumatics they make several
Punctures on the part affected with a Red-hot Needle; and into simple
Gun-shot Wounds they pour Fresh Butter almost boiling hot. The Prickly
Pear roasted in Ashes is applied to Bruises, Swellings, and
Inflammations; and a dram or two of the Round Birthwort is esteemed the
best remedy in the world for the Choler. But few Compound Medicines;
only, for that dreadful scourge the Plague (from which Lord deliver all
Men not being Heathens!), they commonly use a Mixture of Myrrh, Saffron,
Aloes, and Syrup of Myrtle-berries,--which does not hinder 'em from
dying like Sheep with the Rot.

There are no Public Clocks here; those contrivances, with Bells, being
held an Impious Aping of Providence. And the only way you have of
telling the Time is by the Fellows up in the Minarets calling 'em to
Prayers. Some of the rich Agas have Watches, bought or stolen out of
Europe; but they are usually spoilt by the Women of the Harem playing
with 'em. The Dey's principal Wife, Zoraide Khanum, is said to have
boiled a large Gold Chronometer, made by Silvain of Paris, with Cream
and Sweet Almonds. Yet does a remnant of their Ancestors' old skill in
Arithmetic and Algebra linger among 'em; for whereas not One in Twenty
Thousand can do an Equation (and Captain Blokes taught me, and I have
since forgotten How), yet the Merchants are frequently very dexterous in
Reckoning by Memory, and have also a singular method of Numeration, by
putting their hands into each other's Sleeves, and touching one another
with this or that Finger, or a particular joint, each standing for a
determined Sum or Number. Thus, without ere moving their lips,--and your
Mussulman has a wholesome horror of squandering Words,--they conclude
Bargains of the Greatest Value.

None of the Women think themselves completely Adorned till they have
tinged the Lashes and the edges of their Eyelids with the powder of
Lead-Ore. This they do by dipping a Bodkin of the thickness of a Quill
into the Powder, and dragging it under the Eyelids. This gives their
Eyes a Sooty colour, but is thought to add a Wonderful Grace to their
Complexions. And was not this that which Jezebel did in the Ancient
Time?[C] The Old Custom of plighting their Troth by drinking out of
each other's Hand is the only Ceremony used by the Algerines at their
Marriages. The Bridegroom may put away his Wife whenever he pleases,
upon the forfeiture of the Dowry he has settled upon her; but he cannot
afterwards take her again until she has been Re-married and Divorced
from another Man. After all, the Wives are only held as a better class
of Servants, that when their Toil is over become Toys. The greater part
of the Moorish Women would be esteemed Beauties even in England, and as
Children they have the finest Complexions in the World; but at Thirty
they become Wrinkled Old Women. For a Girl is often a Mother at Eleven,
and a Grandmother at Twenty-two; and their Lives being generally as long
as Europeans, these Matrons often live to see Children of many
Generations. They are desperately Superstitious, and hang the Figure of
an Open Hand round the Necks of their Children; and never an Algerine
Pirate goes out of Port without such a Hand painted on the Stern, as a
counter Charm to an Evil Eye. Truly there are some Christian Folks not
much less foolish in their Superstitions; and Rich and Poor among the
Neapolitans carry a forked bit of Coral about with them, to conjure away
this same Evil Eye, which they call _Gettatura_.

They have a kind of Monks called Marabutts, who are supposed to lead an
Austere Life, and pass their lives in counting a Chaplet of Ninety-nine
Beads; but who are, in truth, Impudent Beggars, Thieves, and
Profligates. And this is pretty well the Character of the whole body of
Algerines, from the Dey in his Palace to his Father who sells Sheep's
Trotters. There are a few Grave People, in no constant Employ (that it
is to say, they have made their fortunes by Murder and Piracy, and are
now Retired), who spend the day, either in conversing with one another
at the Barber's Shops, or at the Bazaars and Coffee-houses. But the
greater part of the Moorish and Turkish Youth are the wildest of
Gallants and Roysterers, and waste their time in the most unseemly
Fandangoes.

_Item._--These Marabutts are no better than the Mountebanks I have seen
at the Carnival of Venice or at Southwark Fair. One Seedy Mustapha tells
me that a neighbouring Marabutt had a solid Iron Bar, which, upon
command, would give the same Report and do as much Mischief as a Piece
of Cannon. At Seteef, too, there was one famous for Vomiting Fire; but
the Renegado Baupwitz, who had seen him, assured me 'twas all a trick;
that his Mouth did certainly seem to be all in a Blaze, while he
counterfeited Violent Agony; but that on close inspection it appeared
that the Flames and Smoke with which he was surrounded arose from Tow
and Sulphur, which he had contrived to kindle under his Hyke. The most
commendable thing I can find in the Algerine Character is the great
respect they pay to their Dead. They don't cram 'em into stifling little
Graveyards in the midst of crowded towns, as we do, to our injury and
shame; but have large Burial-grounds, at a good distance from their
towns and villages. Each Family has a particular Part, walled in like a
garden, where the Bones of their Ancestors have remained undisturbed for
many generations. The Graves are all distinct and separate, and the
space between as planted with Beautiful Flowers, bordered round with
Stone, or paved over with Tiles. The Graves of the Great People are
likewise distinguished by Square Rooms with Cupolas built over them,
which, being kept constantly clean, whitewashed, and beautified,
nevertheless continue like the hypocrites, and are but Sepulchres full
within of nothing but Dead Men's Bones.

It happened one fine Autumnal Afternoon, that, my Services as
Cymbal-Player not being required until the Dey's Supper after Evening
Prayers, I was wandering for mere Amusement in some of the
least-frequented Streets of the City; which are here, for the sake of
Shade, mere narrow Lanes, without any Pavement but Dust, and without a
Door or Window from twenty yards to twenty yards. In fact they are but
Passages between almost dead walls; the Houses themselves generally
standing in the midst of the Gardens. Now I quitted the Street of
Baba-zoun by the Street of the Shroffs, or Money-changers, designing to
reach the Gate of the River; but the Streets are all so much alike that
I lost my Way, and went blundering on from one Lane into another, till I
almost despaired of finding my Road back again. I should be too late for
the Dey's Supper, thought I; and although Jack Dangerous was never given
to Trembling, I began to feel very uncomfortable concerning the Notice
that Mahomet Bassa, who was never known to have Pity on any Human Being,
Man, Woman, or Child, might take of my Absence. For these accursed
Algerines are most cruel in their Punishments. Trials are very swift,
and Sentence is always executed within half an hour afterwards. Small
Offences are punished with the Bastinado, or the Rhinoceros Whip. For
Clipping or Debasing the Public Coin the old Egyptian punishment of
cutting off the Hands is inflicted, although the Dey, in one of his
Furies, has been known to have the Base Money melted and poured down the
Coiner's Throat. If a Jew or a Christian is guilty of Murder, he is
Burnt alive without the gates of the City; but for the same Crime the
Moors and Arabs are either Impaled, hung up by the Neck over the
Battlements of the City, or thrown upon Hooks fixed upon the Walls,
below, where they sometimes hang in Dreadful Torments for Thirty and
Forty hours together before they Expire. The Turks, however, out of
respect for their Characters, are sent to the Aga's house, where they
are either Bastinadoed or Strangled; and when the Women offend, they are
not exposed to the populace, but are sent to a private House of
Correction; or, if the Crime be Capital, they are sewn up in a Sack,
carried out to Sea, and Drowned. And for especial Criminals is reserved
the Extraordinary Barbarous punishment of Sawing Asunder; for which
purpose they prepare two Boards, of the same length and breadth as the
Unfortunate Person, and, having tied him betwixt them, begin sawing at
the Head, and so proceed till he is divided into Halves. 'Tis said that
Kardinash, a person who was not long since Ambassador at the Court of
England, suffered in this wise merely for maintaining, in the face of
the Dey, that the King of Great Britain had only One Wife.

All these Grim Probabilities did I revolve in my mind, as the Sun went
on sinking, and I could meet nothing but a few Rapscallion Boys that,
when I strove to stammer out a few words of Arabic to ask my Way,
laughed and jeered in their Impudent manner, and flung handfuls of Dust
at me. Just as I was losing all Patience, and determined to Knock at the
first door I came to, and make my state known at all hazards, there came
upon me at the corner of a street the Figure of a Woman, Muffled up, as
'tis their fashion, in her Hyke and Burnouse, so that I could only see
her Eyes, which were smeared over with the usual Black Stuff, but which
seemed to have somewhat of a Yellowish Cast. I started, as if she were a
Ghost just risen from the ground; but indeed she had only just stepped
out from a little Garden-door, that now stood Ajar. From the folds of
her White Burnouse now came out a plump Hand, very Glossy, but very
Black. She first laid her Finger on that part of her Hyke where her
Mouth might be, to command me to silence; then touched me on the Arm;
then pointed to a Latticed Window high up in the wall, to give me to
understand that some one had been Watching me from there; and then
beckoned me to Follow her. I was wofully perplexed, and, thought I, "The
Dey will have no Cymbals to his Supper to-night, that's certain." Still,
it is never to be said that J. D. ever shirked an adventure that
promised aught of Love or Peril; and had it been into the jaws of a
Lion, I must have followed the <DW64> Emissary. After all, I reasoned, I
was a proper-looking Fellow, although no longer in my First Youth, and
my hair beginning to whiten somewhat; but Love levels ranks, as my Lord
Grizzle has it in Tom Thumb; and I was, perhaps, not the first Frank
Slave who was favoured by a beauteous Moorish Lady. A Moorish Beauty!
Why, this might be, after all, a Princess, a Sultana, a Turkish Khanum!
It turned out, however, far differently from what I had expected.
Following the Slave, we quitted the street and passed through a Porch,
or Gateway, which the Negress carefully locked after her. We now entered
upon a Court, with Benches on either side, and paved very handsomely
with Marble, covered in the middle with a rich Turkey Mat, and sheltered
from the heat of the weather by a kind of Veil, expanded by Ropes from
one side of the Parapet-wall, or Lattice of the Flat Roof, to the other.
So into a little Cloister running round this Court, and up a little
winding stone Staircase into another Cloister or Upper Gallery. Then at
a Door all covered with rich Filigree-work in Gold and Colours did the
Negress knock; and by and by a soft silvery Voice, of which the sound,
somehow, made me start and tremble much more than that of the Old
Knight of Malta had done, said a few words in Arabic, and we went in.

I found myself in a large square Apartment, with curious latticed
Windows, through which the Evening Sunlight came, in the prettiest of
patterns, and fell, like so many spangles disposed by an artful
Embroiderer, upon the rich Carpet. A great Divan, or stuffed Bench of
Crimson Damask, ran all round the room, with many soft pillows and
shawls upon it; and on this Divan, upon the side opposite the door, sat
an Eastern Lady, amazingly Dressed. She had laid aside her Hyke, which
was of white silk gorgeously striped with gold and crimson Bars, and all
dotted with Bullion Tassels, and sat in a tight-fitting jacket of Red
Velvet, open in front, where you could see the Bosom of her Snowy Smock
all blazing with Emeralds and Rubies. I had never seen so many of the
latter kind of Jewels since the days of my Grandmother, in her Cabinet
of Relics. Round her Waist was swathed a great Cashmerian Shawl, very
rich and noble, and with a heavy Fringe; and from among the folds peeped
out a little Poniard with a jewelled Hilt, and a knife with a Gold and
Mother-of-pearl Haft to cut her Victuals. She wore loose Trowsers, or
Drawers, of a very fine spun silk, covered with a raised pattern in gold
thread, that, as is the custom of the Moorish Women, were fastened at
the Knee, and then fell in quite a torrent of Drapery down to her
Ankles, nearly covering her pretty Feet. A sweet Fashion, and very
Modest. As to the Feet themselves,--the smallest, sure, that mortal
woman ever had,--I could, rapid as was my survey, see that she wore no
Hose; but her tiny Toes were thrust into Slippers or Papowshes of blue
velvet, all heightened and enriched with Gold Orris and Seed Pearls. On
her head was a dainty little cap, of the Fez Pattern, but of velvet
instead of cloth, jewelled; and from it hung a monstrous Tassel of Gold,
which reached half-way down the Back. As for her Hair, it hung very
nearly down to the ground, being all collected into one Lock, and bound
and plaited with Ribbons; and being thus adorned, were tied close
together above the Lock, the several corners of a Kerchief, made of thin
flexible plates of Gold, cut through, and engraved in imitation of Lace.
In one hand she held a great Fan, of Peacock's Feathers, with a Mirror
in the midst; and a handle of Gold, Emeralds, and Agate, that would have
driven a Duke's-Place Jew crazy to look at; and in the other,--well, you
know that Oriental Fashions are different from ours, and that the Paynim
nations have the strangest of Manners and Customs,--I declare that in
the other Hand--the dexter one--the Lady held the Tube of a
Tobacco-pipe, the which she was smoking with great Deliberation and
apparent Relish. But 'twas a very different Pipe to what we are in the
habit of seeing in England--having a Bowl of fine Red Clay encrusted
with Gems, a long straight tube of Cherry-wood, and a Mouthpiece of
Amber studded with Precious Stones. This Pipe they call a Chibook, and
they smoke it much as we do our common Clay things; but there's another,
which they call a Nargilly, like the Hubble-bubble smoked by the proud
Planters in the Dutch East Indies. With the Nargilly, the Smoke passes
first through Rose-water, to purify it; and after passing through many
snake-like coils of silk and wire tubing, the Smoker gulps it down
bodily; so that it goes into his Lungs, and must make them as sooty as a
foul Chimney. Many of the Turks are so handy at this nasty trick, that
they can make the Smoke they have swallowed come out of their ears,
eyes, and nostrils; but I envy them not such Mountebankery, and when I
smoke my Pipe, am content to Blow a Cloud in a moderate and Christian
manner.

I have kept you so long describing this Eastern Lady's Dress, that you
must be growing impatient to know whether her Face matched in
handsomeness with her Apparel; but there was the Deuce of it; for while
I stood before her, staring and Wondering over her splendid Habiliments,
I could catch ne'er a glimpse of her Countenance, which was entirely
concealed from view by the Veil they call a _Formah_, which is made of
a very fine gauzy stuff, but painted in body-colour in a pattern so as
to make it Opaque, and so artfully disposed as to hide the Face without
shading any of the splendour of the Dress. And though I could not make
out so much as the tip of the Lady's Nose, I had a queer sensation that
she was looking at _me_, nay, even that her eyes were twinkling in a
merry manner under her Veil. And so I remained Dumbfoundered, quite
uncertain as to the kind of Adventure that had befallen me. Had some
Moorish or Turkish Dame designed only to Divert herself at the expense
of a poor Christian Slave? or was the Veiled Lady only some artful
Adventuress of the Jewish, Armenian, or Cophtic Nation, of whom there
were many here, affecting great magnificence in their Habits and Living?

Full Ten Minutes had the Lady so gazed upon me, I staring stupidly at
her, and the Negress continuing to enjoin me to silence by putting her
finger to her Lips. Then clapping her little hands together (I mean
that the Lady did, for the Black Woman's were sad Paws), in tumbles from
a little door at the side of the Divan a <DW64> Urchin about eight years
of age, very richly clad, who at her command brings Pipes and Coffee;
and, signs being made to me, I sat down on a couple of Pillows on the
Ground, smoked a Chibook, emptied a Cup, not much bigger than an
egg-shell, of Coffee,--very Bitter and Nauseous here, for they give you
the Dregs as well as the Liquor,--all the while staring at the Lady as
though my Eyeballs would have started out of my Head. And by this time
the Sun had quite gone down, and as there is but little Twilight in
these parts, the Shade of Evening fell like a great black Pall over the
Room; so the little Black Urchin came tumbling in again with a couple of
Lamps, which he set down before the Divan. These cast a very soft and
rosy Light, passing through folds of Pink Silk; and as soon as my eyes
grew accustomed to 'em, I could see that the Lady had raised her Veil,
that she was looking upon me with a pair of Dark, Roguish, Twinkling
Orbs, and that I was sitting in the presence of my kind Protectress,
Lilias.

"What think you of this for an Opera Habit, goodman Cerberus?" cried
she. "Is this not much better than the Ballet of Orpheus? And, goodness!
what strange Accoutrement have you, too, got into?"

When my first ecstasies of Joy and Amazement were over, I explained to
my Dear Patroness the Reasons (none of my own choosing) for appearing in
such a Garb as I then wore; telling her how I had been Galley-Slave, and
was now Cymbal Player, to the Unbelieving Dey of Algiers; and with great
Humility did I ask after her Honoured Parent, and seek to know by what
uncommon Accident she, the erst Ballet Dancer in the King's Opera-House
at Paris, had come to be the tenant of this Outlandish House, and
arrayed in this Heathen Habit. She answered me with that Candour and
Simplicity which I ever found characteristic of her. Old Mr. Lovell was
still alive, and in Paris; and this is how his Daughter had become
separated from him. A very brilliant Engagement, as First Dancer,
indeed, had been offered to her at the King's Theatre at Palermo; and,
after long unsuccessful importunities addressed to the Gentlemen of the
French King's Chamber to cancel her Engagement, these instances, owing
to the untiring influence of Cardinal de ----, had succeeded, and she
was allowed to depart. Full willingly would she have taken her Papa with
her as a Travelling Companion; but the Old Gentleman was now very
Infirm, and averse from Moving; and so Lilias was placed under the
Guardianship of an old Spanish Lady, the Senora Satisfacion de Mismar,
who was the Palermo Manager's Aunt, made his engagements for him abroad,
and played the Duenna or Singing Old Woman in his Comedies and Operas at
home. Nothing could be properer than this arrangement, Donna Satisfacion
being a Personage of exceeding Discretion and Propriety of Behaviour; so
the two, with half a dozen more little Dancing-girls that had been
hired to fill inferior places, started for Bordeaux, whence they
designed to take shipping for Palermo. But by ill luck there was no
Packet or Merchant Vessel bound for Sicily to be taken up for a long
time; and so they were fain to travel to Toulon, avoiding Marseilles,
where the Plague then was very bad, and thence by way of Nizza to Genoa,
where they found a Brig bound for Messina, which they thought would
serve their turn. And, in truth, the poor souls found it but too well
served; for the Brig was captured off Bastia in Corsica by one of these
diabolical Barbary Rovers, all on board made Slaves, and carried, not
into Algiers, but into Sallee. There, after much suffering, poor Donna
Satisfacion de Mismar died of a Distemper of the country, and poor
Lilias was left without any other Protector than her own Virtue and a
kind Providence.

'Twas a terrible condition to be left in: Young, Fair, Friendless, and a
Slave among these Moorish Barbarians. By Heaven's Mercy, however, the
dear Girl came to no Harm. 'Tis the custom, before the Christian
Women-captives are exposed for sale in the public Slave-Market, where
they are Handled and put through their paces as though they were so many
Cattle, for a Private Inspection of 'em to be made by the rich Persons
of the place, who come and take Pipes and Coffee with the Merchant,
glance over his Stock in a respectful Manner, and often strike a Bargain
there and then. The Girls for sale are apparelled in a sumptuous manner,
bathed, perfumed, and trinketed out for their Private View; and their
Captors seek to render 'em docile by giving 'em plenty of Sweetmeats. As
if the intolerable pangs of Slavery were to be allayed by Lollipops! It
chanced that among the visitors to the Merchant's House was one Hamet
Abdoollah, a very Learned Man, a Physician by Trade, and equally trusted
by the Bey of Tunis, the Dey of Algiers, and him who reigned at Tripoli;
but who would not devote himself to the service of any of these
Potentates, but, loving an independent life, served all with equal
fidelity, sometimes even travelling so far as the Capital of Morocco,
where he was in high favour with the Savage who calls himself Emperor of
that country, which would be as piratical as the Barbary States, only it
has less Seaboard. The father of this Physician had been quite as
learned a Man as he, and by the name of Muley Abdoollah had travelled
much in Western Europe, where by his Skill and Erudition he had gained
so much consideration among the Polite as to be elected a Correspondent
Member of the Royal Society of England and the Paris Academy of
Sciences. His son was one of the wisest and justest and most merciful of
his Species, as you will presently have cause to admit. He was struck at
once by the Beauty, Intelligence, and Goodness of Lilias, and his humane
heart recoiled at the thought of what her fate might have been among a
people given up to Cruelty and Lust. He forthwith bought her of the
Merchant at a fair price; for although that crafty and rapacious
Slave-Dealer would have made him pay Through the Nose for his Treasure,
knowing the Physician to be a man of great Wealth, he forbore in very
shame from his extortion; for Hamet Abdoollah had but just saved his
little son out of a Fever, after he had been given up by all the
Ignorant Leeches of Sallee.

So Lilias became the Bond-servant, but only so in name, to this Wise and
Good Man. As her dearest wish was now to rejoin her Father, he undertook
to send her back to France, and with that view did remove with his
precious charge to Algiers, only exacting from her a promise that while
she remained under his protection she would wear the Moorish Habit and
pass as his Wife, so as to avoid Insult when she walked abroad. But of
any thoughts of Love and Intrigue the Good Man was entirely free. He was
wrapped up in the study of the Healing Art, and troubled his head much
more about Drugs, Cataplasms, and Electuaries, than about the Bow and
Arrows of Dan Cupid. Though why the God of Love should have been
christened Daniel, it puzzles me to comprehend. This accounts for the
manner in which I had found my dear Protectress caparisoned in every
respect as a Moorish Dame. She told me that this was by no means the
first time she had seen me, and that my being Cymbal-Player in the Dey's
Musicians was very well known to her, and that her kind Guardian was on
the point of petitioning the Dey to release me from Servitude, when by
accident she espied me from the Window, and could not resist the
temptation of having me called in.

But, in her sweet regard for what was due to Modesty and Decorum, she
would have no Parley with me save in the presence of the Black
slave,--'tis true that she did not understand a word of English--and
directly she had come to an end of her Narrative, she sent the Tumbling
Urchin to inquire whether the Physician had come home, the part of the
House she occupied being quite separate and distinct from his. The
smutty little Imp comes back bringing word that Hamet would wait upon
her presently; and anon, after discreetly tapping at the door, he came
in, a grave, Reverend Man, in a flowing Robe of Sad- Taffety,
and with a long White Beard and Green Turban; for he had made the Mecca
Pilgrimage, and yet abstained from assuming the title of Hadji, to which
he was entitled. He spoke very good French, and even a little English
(learned from his Papa); and when I was made known to him, asked for
news of Dr. Mead and Sir Hans Sloane, although I could tell him but
little of that worthy and deceased Gentleman.

"Happy is the Wooing that is not long a Doing," they say; and, by this
time, you will probably have discovered that I Loved Lilias Lovell very
dearly. 'Twas no Ramping, Rantipoling, Fiery-Furnace kind of Calf Love
on my part, but a matured and sensible admixture of Gratitude and
Sincere Affection. I scorn to conceal that although I knew myself to be
by Lineage worthy the hand of a Gentleman's Daughter,[D] I was aware
that, by the Meanness of the condition under which I was first known to
the Lovell Family, a Gulf yawned between their Estate and mine; and
that, warm and devoted as was my Love for the Pretty Little Creature I
had saved from the Flames, I could but deem that she reckoned the Humane
Dog Cerberus of the Opera Ballet as of no greater account than a real
Doggish Mastiff. But, to my extreme Amazement and Felicity, this was not
so. I was beloved by this amiable Young Person, to whom Ambassadors were
proud to go on their knees, and whom Gentlemen of the Chamber would have
covered with Diamonds. With a charming frankness, blushing and
stammering, yet with Virginal Pride, she confessed that she was
enamoured of me, and, if Fortune were propitious, would gladly be my
Wife. I could at first scarcely realize the possibility of such great
and unmerited Happiness; for well did I know the disparity in Age that
existed between us--how Rough and Weather-beaten was I; and she, how
Tender, Delicate, and Good! "But does not the Ivy twine round the Oak?"
quoth the Physician, as he smote me cheerfully on the Shoulder. And
behold, now, gnarled and battered old Jack Dangerous, with this
delicious little Parasite creeping toward and Nestling Round him.


FOOTNOTES:

[C] 2 Kings, ix. 30.

[D] I preserve a fragment of what His Eminence was pleased once upon a
time to write to me, in his curious Italian way of spelling the French
tongue:

"_Si cieu che vous m'avez dict sur vostre Naissance e vray, vos esteo
digne di monter dedans le carozze du Roy._"




CHAPTER THE NINTH AND LAST.

OF MY SERVICE UNDER THE GREAT TURK AS A BASHAW; OF MY ADVENTURES IN
RUSSIA AND OTHER COUNTRIES; AND OF MY COMING HOME AT LAST AND BUYING MY
GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE (WHICH IS NOW MINE) IN HANOVER SQUARE.


'TWAS the advice of the Good Physician, that, to prevent Accidents, we
should be Married without delay; for in these hot countries you are here
to-day and gone to-morrow, and no one can tell what may happen.
Difficulties almost insurmountable, 'tis true, seemed to stand in the
way of our Union; but Hamet Abdoollah was able to act almost a
Magician's part to bring about our Happiness. I was for the time being
bestowed in his House, and the next morning the Physician hies him to
the Dey, who was in a Fury about me, and was threatening all kinds of
Bowstrings and Bastinadoes. But his Highness happening likewise to be
suffering from Toothache, and as a Man with a Raging Tooth would give
all the Treasures of Potosi to be quit of his Agony, the Physician
promised to Relieve him forthwith if he would grant his Suit. The Dey
promised him any thing he could wish for, and so Hamet Abdoollah cures
him with a little Phial full of nothing but Tar Balsam. 'Tis but just to
the Mussulmans to say, that when they have once given their Word of
Honour, they keep it with Extreme Rigour; so that when the Physician
begged pardon for me, and License to purchase me out of the Dey's
service and take me into his own, the Suit was very cheerfully granted.
Joyfully Hamet Abdoollah repairs to us again, with a Firman under the
Dey's own Signet granting me my Liberty; and that very forenoon my
silver Collar, Anklets, and Manacles were stricken off,--the Physician
returning them to the Dey's Treasury,--and I was no longer a Slave.

Although there is no Man alive who mislikes Popery and its Superstitious
Practices more than does J. D., there is one order of Nuns and one of
Monks for whose members I entertain a profound Love and Reverence. Of
She-Religious, I mean those Blessed Sisters of Charity who go about the
World doing good, braving Sickness, succouring Misery, assuaging Hunger,
drying up Tears, and smiling in the Face of Death: God bless those Holy
Women, say I, wheresoever they are to be found! and in our own
Protestant country of England, why should we not have similar
Sisterhoods of Women of Mercy, or Deaconesses, bound by no rigid vows,
and suffering no ridiculous Penances of Stripes and Macerations, but
obeying only the call of Religious Charity, and going Quietly and
Trustfully about their Master's Business? Of He-Monks, I mean the
Fathers of the Work of Redemption, or Redemptorists, whose sole business
it is to travel about Begging and Praying of the Rich for money to
Ransom poor Christian bodies out of Slavery; which is a better work, I
think, than praying for the deliverance of their Souls out of Purgatory.
These Redemptorist Fathers have a permanent Station and Correspondence
at all the Piratical Ports of the Barbary Coast; and at stated times,
when they have gathered enough Money to redeem a certain number of
Christians, a body of the Fraternity visit the Station, take away their
Sanctified Merchandise, and by their Humble and Devout Carriage, and
exemplary Poverty of Life, extort admiration even from the Bloodthirsty
Heathens.

Now at Algiers, about this time, there was suffered to dwell an old
Religious of this Order, Le Pere Lefanu,--who for his Virtues and Piety
was esteemed even by the Mussulman Ulemas, and was thought a good deal
more of than any of their Marabutts or Santons, which is a name they
give to a kind of wandering Idiots, who, the Crazier they are, are
thought the more deserving of Superstitious Veneration. Pere Lefanu was
nearly ninety years of age, and had dwelt among these Barbarians for
full sixty years of his Life, passing his time in Meditation, Prayer,
and the Visitation of the Sick and Needy, both among the Unbelievers and
the Christian Slaves, and at the same time transacting all necessary
business with the Dey's Head-men for periodically redeeming those that
were in Bondage. Our good Physician had a profound esteem for this
Reverend Person, and often visited him; and now it was through his
Ministry that Lilias and I were to be made One. I had forgotten to say,
that my departed Saint was of the Communion opposite to mine; but in a
land of Pagans 'tis as well to forget all differences between <DW7>s
and Protestants, and to remember only that we are Christians. Pere
Lefanu had been ordained a Secular Priest before he had become a Regular
Monk, and, he told me that if I had any Conscientious Scruples as to the
Husband being a Protestant and the Wife of another way of Thinking, I
could have the marriage done over again in whatever way I thought proper
on our return to Europe. But I was in far too great a Hurry to be
Married to look too narrowly which way the Cat jumped; and a Romish
Wedding is surely better than jumping over a Broomstick, which, unless
we had adopted the uncouth Moresque custom, would have been all the
Ceremony of Matrimony we could have had. So Pere Lefanu came privately,
to avoid Gossip, to the Physician's House, and Lilias Lovell and John
Dangerous were made One in the French Language, the contracting parties
being English, the Bridegroom's best man a tawny Mahometan Moor, and the
only Bridesmaid a Black Negress.

Our Honeymoon (we continuing to dwell in the House of the good Hamet
Abdoollah) was one of unmixed Joy and Gladness; but 'twas too complete
to last long, and soon came a black Storm to lash into fury the calm
surface of our Life's Lake. Seized with a Malignant Distemper, and after
but three days' Sickness, the good Hamet Abdoollah died. His Pillow was
smoothed by our reverent hands, and with his dying breath he blessed us.
I know not if there be any Saints in the Mussulman Church; but if ever
a man deserved Canonization from whatsoever Communion he belonged to, I
am sure it was Hamet Abdoollah, the Moorish Physician.

His Skill in Medicine had brought him great Wealth, of which, although
he was always distributing Alms to the Poor, he left a considerable
Portion behind him. In his last moments he sent for the Cadi and Ulema
of his Quarter, for his will to be made, or at least to assure them by
word of mouth of his Testamentary Intentions, which among this People
would have been as religiously carried out as though he had written
them. But, alas! when the Cadi and Ulema arrived, he was speechless, and
died without word or sign of his Wishes.

His Relations came forthwith to administer to his Effects, and (if truth
be not unpalatable to English Heirs, that often do the same thing) to
fight and squabble over the administration thereof. A pretty Noise and
Riot they made: now weeping and howling over the Corse; now bursting
open Trunks, wrenching Trinkets from each other, striving to convey
away Garments and Furniture, and even tearing down the hangings of Rich
Stuff. Only the Harem, where my one True Wife was, remained inviolate
from these Harpies; but me they overwhelmed with the most injurious
Invectives and accosted by the foulest epithets, calling me Infidel,
Pig, Giaour Dog, Frankish Thief, and the like, telling me that I had
fattened long enough on the Substance of a True Believer, with the like
opprobrious speeches. I let them have their way, only giving them to
understand that the first Man who should attempt to cross the Threshold
of my Harem, it were better for him that he never had been Born.

Soon, however, came a greater Heir at Law than any of these, to take
possession of the Dead Man's heritage. The news of Hamet Abdoollah's
decease had come to the ears of the Dey; and straightway he sends down a
strong guard of Coglolies to Seize all in his Name, specially enjoining
the Bullock Bashee in command to put the big Christian Slave (meaning
myself) in Fetters, and equally secure, although with lighter bonds,
the fair Frankish Woman, meaning my dear Wife Lilias. All this was no
sooner said than done. The Rough Soldiers burst into the House, and, to
prevent any misunderstanding about me, a Cloth (for which I was quite
unprepared) was thrown over my head from Behind; and while I was yet
struggling to free myself from this blinding Incumbrance, the Gyves were
passed over my Wrists and Ankles. And then they removed the Cloth, and,
laden with heavy Chains, I had to behold in Despair their Invading the
Sanctity of my Harem, and tearing therefrom my Lilias. In vain did I
Shout, Threaten, Grind my Teeth, Implore, Promise, and strive to Tear my
Hair. They only Laughed; and one Brutish Coglolie made as though to
strike me with the flat of his Sabre, when I out with my foot, all
fettered as it was, and gave the Ruffian a blow on the Jaw, the which,
by the momentum given by the Iron, I thought had stove it in. This much
infuriated his Savage Companions; and I doubt not but they would have
finished me, but the Bullock Bashee, who had orders to the contrary,
constrained them to stay their hand.

What became of my dear Lilias, I was not allowed to know. She was borne
away, shrieking and calling on me, with Streaming Eyes, for help; and I
saw her no more. Myself they dragged downstairs; and when we were come
into the street, flung me, fettered as I was, over the back of an
Artillery Horse, where I lay, face downwards, and in a kind of stupor,
as listless as a Miller's Sack; and so, my Gyves jingling and
clattering, I was conveyed away.

The cruel and remorseless Dey of Algiers I saw no more. Some spark of
shame there might perchance be in the Ruffian's Breast that forbade him
to gaze upon the man he had pardoned and enfranchised, and had now
traitorously Kidnapped. I suppose that in the Thieves' philosophy of
this Fellow he reasoned that, if promises are to be kept to Live Men,
there is no need to keep them unto Dead ones; that he was released from
all his obligations by the demise of Hamet Abdoollah; and that, as the
Physician could not cure him of the Toothache again, if he chanced to
get it, 'twas idle to continue bestowing Favours where no Benefits could
be derived.

Into a wretched Dungeon of the Arsenal was poor J. Dangerous thrust,
with naught for victuals but Musty Beans and Stinking Water. When I had
been here, groaning and gnashing my teeth, for seven days,--which seemed
to me thrice seven years,--a Rascally Fellow that I knew to be a Scribe
belonging to the Divan of the Dey comes into my Dungeon to tell me that
the Packet-ship has come in from Marseilles, and that in answer to my
letter to Monsieur Foscue, that Merchant sends word that he knows
nothing at all about me; to which the Rascally Scribe adds, in the
Lingua Franca, that I was no doubt an Impostor who had trumped up a
convenient Fable of my being a Gentleman, and having Correspondents who
would be Answerable for my Ransom in Europe, in order to get better food
and treatment until the real truth could be known. Whereupon he tells
me that his Highness the Dey had not yet quite made up his mind as to
whether he shall have me Impaled, or merely Flayed Alive, and so slams
the door in my Face.

In this Horrible Dungeon did I continue for seven days more, mostly
grovelling on the ground, my face downwards, and praying for Deliverance
or Death. I had a mind to dash my Brains out against the slimy walls of
the Cell, but was only stayed by the thought of my Lilias. 'Twas always
night in the abominable Hole, which was lighted only by a hole in the
roof, about four inches square, and which gave not into the open air,
but into a Corridor above. But on the fifteenth night of my Captivity,
for I judged it so by the utter darkness, the door of the Dungeon
opened, and the Blessed Old Man that was a Redemptorist Father appeared,
bearing a Lantern.

"You have that about you, my son," says he, "which should be a sign that
you are a trusted Agent of Holy Mother Church. Can you show it?"

I pointed with one of my fettered hands to my Breast, and made signs for
him to search for that he was in quest of. The which he did, and after
reverently kissing the Parchment I had between the Glasses, restored it
to me.

"You have been most basely entreated," he continued. "Monsieur Foscue
sent ample funds for your Ransom, and his Eminence is most anxious for
your safety; but the cruel Moorish Prince who governs this unhappy city,
after taking the money, feigned that you had made your Escape from the
Arsenal, designing to keep you here in Chains and Hunger until you
should Perish."

He paused for a moment, for his Great Age made him very feeble, and then
continued:

"I can deliver you from this Abode of Misery; but it is not in my power,
my son, to give you entire Deliverance. Would that I could! You have but
to follow me to the Quayside, where you will find a boat to convey you
on board a Turkish Merchant-ship, that to-morrow morning weighs anchor
for Constantinople. You will still be a Slave to the Captain, but to
your own ingenuity I leave it to obtain complete Freedom."

"And my Wife--my dear, dear Lilias?" I asked.

The Ancient Man shook his head.

"I can do nothing to bring you together again. She cannot follow you to
Stamboul; but by Perseverance, and in Time, you may be restored to her."

"Time!" I cried out in bitter desperation. "Time! O Father! I am growing
an old man. She is the stay and prop of my Life; she is the one ray of
sunshine cast on a Black and Wicked Career! And she is taken from me by
these Butchers! and I am to see her no more? What care I for Hunger and
Chains, and a Dungeon-floor for a Pallet? They have been familiar to me
from my earliest youth. If I am not to have my Lilias's sweet
companionship again, I will remain here, in this Hole, and die like a
Dog, as I am."

"Take comfort, my son," said the Redemptorist Monk. "Time and
Perseverance may, I repeat, enable you to attain your heart's desire.
Meanwhile, console yourself with the assurance that the Fair and Good
Woman, who is your Wife, is out of peril from lawless men. By the same
Packet-ship that brought the Letters from Monsieur Foscue came a Sum
sufficient Doubly to Ransom the Young Woman. The benignant protection of
his Eminence has been extended to her, and she will in a few days return
to France, and to her Father."

"But can I not see her?--cannot I touch her Hand?--can I not press her
Lip?--for one brief moment, and for the last time?"

"It is impossible," answered the Monk. "She is watched, both by Day and
Night, by zealous agents of the Dey, and I have no means of access to
her. 'Twould be death both to you and to myself were I to seek to bring
about a meeting between you. Even now the precious moments are wasting
away. In another hour the Guard will be changed, and your Escape
impossible."

"And how is it possible now?" I asked. "And will no one come to Hurt
through my evasion?"

"It _is_ possible," he repeated. "You have to walk but from hence to the
Outer Gate and the Quayside. Immediately you have departed, the Body of
a poor Christian Slave, of your age and stature, who died this morning
at the Arsenal, will be conveyed here, and garnished with your Chains.
The Dey will be told that you have died in Prison. He loves not to look
upon the faces of those he has murdered, and will take the word of the
Aga, who is in our pay. Come! there is not an instant to be lost. Here
is the key to your Fetters. Unlock them, and follow me."

With a heart that was now elated with the prospect of Deliverance, and
now sunk at the thought that I was still to be separated from my Lilias,
I did as the good Redemptorist bade me, and, casting my accursed
Shackles from me in a heap, limped slowly forth--for the Iron had
wofully galled me. Outside the Dungeon-door stood a couple of Coglolies,
with their Turban-cloths let down over their faces to serve as Masks,
who swiftly unlocked what Doors remained between us and the Sea Rampart.
The Monk pressed my Hand, gave me his Blessing, bidding me hope for
Better Times, and disappeared. Guided by the Coglolies, and, indeed,
half supported by them, I was put into a Boat waiting at the Quayside,
as the Monk had told me, and ten minutes' hard pulling brought us
alongside a large craft, on board which, I being so weak, they were fain
to hoist me with Ropes. By this time I had sunk into a kind of Lethargy,
and, being conveyed below and put into a cot in the Master's Cabin, fell
into a slumber, which lasted for very many hours.

The Captain of this ship was an English Renegado, named Sparkenhoe. He
had served as Midshipman and Master's Mate in a King's ship; but having
been, as he conceived, unjustly Broken for hot words that passed
between him and the Captain,--this took place at Gibraltar,--had
deserted, and hid himself on board a Merchant Brig bound for Tangier. At
last, being fond of a Roving Life (and having the misfortune to kill the
Captain of the Merchant Brig in a dispute concerning some Bullocks they
were shipping), he had turned Mussulman; and after living some time
among the Buccaneers of the Riff, had come to Algiers, and been made
Captain of a Merchantman trading to the Dardanelles, and doing a bit of
Piracy when opportunity served. 'Twas full five-and-twenty years since
he had Run from the King of Great Britain's service; and although his
Blue Eyes and enormous Red Whiskers still gave him somewhat of a Saxon
appearance, he had very nearly forgotten his Mother Tongue, and only
retained English enough to enable him to mingle a few Billingsgate Oaths
with his barbarous Levantine Lingo.

This fellow, whom I heartily despised, for he had kept all the Vices of
his former Religion, and had acquired none of the Virtues of his new
one, was civil enough to me, and informed me that all he could do for
me, in return for the Bribe he had received from his Employers, would be
to deliver me to a Slave Merchant at Constantinople, who would place me
out in Domestic Service where I should not be ill-treated. But he very
strongly advised me to turn Turk or Renegado, as he himself was, saying,
that in such a case he would land me perfectly free at the Porte, where
I should doubtless find some profitable Employment. This I scornfully
refused; whereupon he shrugged his Shoulders, and said that I was a
Fool, but might possibly think Better of it in Time.

After three weeks' coasting among the Isles of the Grecian Archipelago,
and so into the Sea of Marmora, we steered into the Dardanelles 'twixt
the Castles of Europe and Asia; and the same night the Slave-Dealer
comes off in a private Caique--as the Turks call their Canoes,--and the
Renegado delivered me up to him. I was taken to his House at Galata,
where I was kept very close for two or three weeks, and was then sold
to a Merchant of Damascus in Asia, that had come to Constantinople with
the Autumn Caravans, to dispose of his cargo of Silk and Attar of
Roses--a very fine and subtle Perfume, one drop of which is sufficient
to scent an entire House.

       *       *       *       *       *

'Twas in the autumn of the year 1759 that I so came to Damascus, and for
ten years did I remain in that city,--all the time without hearing one
word from my dear Wife. Had I been in the Capital, where Foreign
Ambassadors reside, I could not, as a Christian, be detained in Slavery;
that being guarded against by Treaties between the Crown of Great
Britain and the Sublime Porte. But in this remote part of the Empire,
these and many other worse enormities were possible; and I remained as
one Dead and Buried. To a few English and French Travellers passing
through Damascus did I tell my piteous Tale, and entreat their help; but
the account that I gave of myself was so rambling and confused, and
contained, I could but confess it, many Incredible Particulars, that I
could plainly see no one believed my Tale, or accounted me as aught but
a half-mad Fellow that had run away for some misdeed from a Ship in port
on the Coast of Syria, and was now trying to cadge Sympathy for a
Pretended Grievance. At last I gave up complaining. Slowly, but surely,
my memory of my former life began to Decay, and even the knowledge of
mine own Language faded away, and became weaker and weaker every day. I
dressed, I ate, I drank, I slept in the Eastern Fashion, and in all but
religion I was a Turk.

Meanwhile I had gained in the favour of my Master. He was about mine own
age when he purchased me, and we grew old Together. At first I was
employed as a mere Menial, in carrying of Bales and Packages, and
tending of Camels; but by degrees I was promoted to be his Warehouseman,
Clerk, Cashkeeper, and at last his Partner. In that capacity he sent me
to manage a large silk-plantation of his in the Lebanon; and after two
years of that work I left him with a fortune of no less than five
hundred Purses of Gold (about 20,000_l._ of our Money), to set up on my
own account in the City of Broussa. He made no attempt (nor had he at
any time done so) to combat my Religious Scruples, but counselled me to
behave in all things outwardly as a Turk; and if anything was said of my
being in countenance a Frank (though I was swarthy enough from my Long
Journeyings), to account for it by saying that I was an Affghan born,
out of India. He died very soon after I settled at Broussa, and the
secret of my being a Christian died with him. It is true that, for mere
Policy's sake, I did go through the Mummeries of outward Mahometans, and
had my Rosary and my Prayer-carpet like other Merchants of Broussa; but
I scornfully deny that I was initiated, or submitted to, any Heathenish
Rites; and I am ready to maintain now, Cut, Thrust, or Backsword, that I
was then as stanch and leal a Protestant as I am now.

Under the name of Gholab Hassan, of Affghanistan, and a True Believer, I
prospered exceedingly, almost entirely forgetting my own country. 'Tis
true I always preserved an affectionate remembrance of my dear Wife
Lilias; but she seemed to me in the guise of some Departed Angel, whom I
had been privileged to behold but for a Short and Transient Period.
Among these Pagans, as is well known, Polygamy is permitted; but that is
neither here nor there; and I was now an Old, Old Man.

'Tis ten years since, namely, A.D. 1770, that a great Insurrection
against the Authority of the Porte, or rather of the Bashaw of the
Province, who had been laying on the Taxes with somewhat too heavy a
hand, broke out in Broussa. The infuriate Populace burnt the House of
the Bashaw about his ears, plundered the Bazaar, and were proceeding to
further extremities, when, a puff of my old Martial Spirit reviving
within me, I collected a trusted band of Porters and Camel-drivers,
rallied the Turkish Troops, who were flying in all directions, reformed
them, scattered the Insurgent Mobile, and did (I promise you) speedy
execution on some Scores of them. The Insurrection was very speedily
subdued, and all Broussa was filled with the praises of my Valour and
Discretion. The Bashaw was a poor Good-natured kind of Creature, Brave
enough, but so Fat that when he mounted on Horseback they were obliged
to put one of the Pillows of his Divan on the pummel of his saddle to
keep his Stomach steady. An end, however, was put to the discomfort he
suffered through Corpulence, by the arrival, three weeks after the
suppression of the Insurrection, of a Tartar Courier, who brought with
him a Bowstring and a Firman from the Grand Seignor. By means of the
Bowstring, the Fat Bashaw was then and there strangled,--for they do
things in a very off-hand manner in Turkey,--and when the Firman was
opened by his Vizier it was found to contain, not his own nomination to
the Bashawlik, which he fondly expected, but the appointment of the
Merchant Gholab Hassan, that is to say, JOHN DANGEROUS, that is to say,
your Humble Servant, to the vacant Post, and commanding my immediate
attendance at the Porte to receive investiture with the Three
Horse-tails of Office.

I was at once saluted as Gholab Bashaw, and the next day set forth
amidst great Acclamations, and in sumptuous state, for Constantinople.
Arrived there, I was handsomely lodged in a Palace close to the Old
Seraglio, and admitted to no less than three solemn Audiences with the
Commander of the Faithful, the Caliph Al Islam, the Padishaw of Roum,
the Great Turk himself.

I could not help smiling at myself, now arrayed in all the pomp and
glory of an Exalted Functionary, and in the true Turkish fashion. 'Tis a
custom (through Ignorance of those parts) with the Limners of Europe to
portray all Osmanlis with long Beards; and, for truth, as a Merchant at
Broussa, I had a great grizzled one of most Goatish appearance; but
among the Bashaws and all those engaged in the Military Service of the
Grand Seignor, or holding Employments in the Seraglio, they wear only a
fierce and martial pair of Whiskers. The most distinguishing sign of a
true Mussulman is, after all, his Sarik or Turban, made in two parts,
namely, a Bonnet, and the Linen that is wrapped round it. The former a
kind of Cap, red or green, without Brims, and quilted with Cotton. About
this they roll several folds of Linen Cloth; and it is a particular art
to know how to give a Turban a good air; it being a trade with 'em, as
the Selling of Hats is with us. The Emirs, who boast of being descended
from the race of Mahomet, wear a turban all green; but that of the
common Turks is red, with a white border, so distinguishing 'em from the
Christians. Next I wore great long Breeches of a 'broidered stuff, and a
Shirt of fine soft calico, with wide Sleeves, but no Wristbands or
Collar; and over this a Cassock or Vest of fine English Cloth, reaching
to the ankles, and buttoned with buttons of gold, about the bigness of a
peppercorn. This was tied with a broad Sash or Girdle, which went
thrice round the waist, with the ends hanging down before, and two
handsome Tassels. Over all this another Garment, richly laced, and lined
with Furs of the Martin or the Badger. In my Girdle a Dagger, about the
size of a case-knife, the handle curiously wrought, and adorned with
Precious Stones. And as the Turkish tailors make no pockets to their
vestments, Purse, Handkerchief, Tobacco-box, and things of that nature
must needs be put into the Bosom, or thrust under the Girdle. Instead of
Shoes, a pair of Slippers of yellow leather; which, whenever you enter a
Mosque or the presence of a Superior, you must put off on the threshold.
This custom makes the soles of a Turk's feet always ready for the
application of the Talack or Bastinado, from which argument neither high
nor low are exempt.

_Item._--The Women here very richly dressed, but sad Gossips, and a
Lazy, Lolloping kind of creatures; which they must needs be, poor souls,
seeing that they have no sort of Education, and are kept mostly in
seclusion, talking of scandal, sucking of sugar-plums, showing their
brave apparel to each other, and thrumming upon the Mandolin. A
galloping, dreary, dull place indeed is a Turkish Harem. As to the
qualities of the mind, the Turkish Women want neither Wit, Good Sense,
nor Tenderness; but the constraint that is put upon 'em, and the jealous
eye with which they are guarded, makes 'em go a great way in a little
time, and make an ill use of the Liberty which is sometimes granted
them. The old women-slaves of the Armenian and Jew Merchants, who are
the confidantes of the Turkish women, enter their apartments at all
hours, under the pretence of bringing them Jewels, and often favour
their amours with brisk young fellows. The usual hour for intrigue is
the hour of morning and evening Prayers, when the Husbands are away at
the Mosques. In case of Discovery the Turks are masters of the Lives of
their Wives; and if they have been convicted in form, they are sewn up
in Sacks, and thrown into the Sea. And even if a Guilty Woman's life is
spared, she is condemned to marry her Gallant, who is sentenced to die,
or must turn Mahometan, supposing him to be a Christian. The least
punishment for a man who has broken the Seventh Commandment is to ride
through the streets upon an Ass, with his face towards the Tail, to
receive a certain number of Blows upon the Soles of his Feet, and to pay
a Fine in proportion to his Estate.

But though a duly invested Bashaw of Three Tails, I was not fated to
remain long in that Capacity. For once, however, my Destiny, in
subjecting me to Change, played me a kind instead of a spiteful Turn.
Going to visit the French Ambassador, who was then in high favour at the
Porte, I found there, living under the protection of his Family, a Lady,
who was no other than my dear Wife Lilias, and with her a Daughter,
called after her own name, who was now twelve years of age. Her History,
as she related it to me, was brief, but amazing. Both her Father and the
Cardinal died about two years after her return from Captivity; but she
found a new guardian in my old friend Captain Night, or Don Ercolo
Sparafucile di San Lorenzo, the Knight of Malta, who had retired from
that Island to end his days in France. She was enabled to cheer the
declining years of that Gallant Gentleman, who had preserved a lively
remembrance of his old _Protege_, Jack Dangerous; and when he died, he
left her the whole of his large fortune. All these years she had
remained in a dreadful state of uncertainty, till, through the kind
offices of the French Minister of Police, she was made acquainted with
the last dying avowal of a Pirate Renegado, named Sparkenhoe, who had
expired at the Galleys of Marseille, and stated that, in the year 1759,
he had conveyed a refugee Christian Slave from Algiers to
Constantinople, where he had been sold to a Merchant of Damascus. In the
almost desperate hope of discovering some Tidings of me, my Wife and
Child had journeyed to the Porte, where they were most kindly received
at the French Embassy. They had given up almost every prospect of
meeting me again, when I made my sudden appearance in the strange Guise
of a Turkish Bashaw.

Under ordinary Circumstances, it might have gone hard with me; for the
Turks reckon it as an unpardonable crime for a Christian to assume the
Mussulman Garb, and conform outwardly to that religion, without having
gone through the Proper Rites. However, as I have said, the French
Ambassador was just then in high favour with the Porte. He made interest
with the Captain Bashaw, the Kislar Aga, and the Grand Vizier himself.
The services I had rendered to the Great Turk by suppressing the
Insurrection at Broussa were taken into consideration; and it was at
length agreed, that if I would convey myself away privately, and take my
Wife with me, no more should be said about the matter. It was given out
at Broussa that I had been appointed to another and more distant
Government; and he who had been Vizier to the unlucky Fat Man got his
much-coveted Preferment, and, I have no doubt, was very happy in it,
till the inevitable Tartar came, and he was Bowstrung, like his
predecessor. So Gholab Bashaw resigned the Three Horse-tails that during
so brief a period had waved at his Flagstaff, and became once more plain
JOHN DANGEROUS. The Sublime Porte, however, confiscated all my Property
at Broussa, including my Wives--I mean, my Women Servants.

With my Wife and Child I now returned to Europe, full of Years, and, I
hope, notwithstanding some Ups and Downs, full of Honours too. We were
in no hurry, however, to return to England; for I had wandered about
Foreign Parts so long in Discredit, and Danger, and Distress, that I
thought myself well entitled to see the world a little in Freedom and
Independence, and with a Handsome competence at my Back. Therefore, as
the Chevalier Captain John Dangerous,--I have dropped my Knightly rank
of late years,--and furnished with all necessary passports and
safe-conducts, we made our way across the Black Sea to Odessa, a mean
kind of place, but rising in the way of trade; and after a most affable
reception by the Russian Governor of that place, journeyed at our ease
through the Tauric Chersonese, now wrested from the Tartar Khans of
Simpheropol, and belonging to the Muscovites. Next, in a handsome
wheeled carriage-and-four, we made for the great City of Moscow,--the
old Capital of the Great Dukes of Russia,--where we abode two whole
years, and went among the very best people in the place; although I had
an ugly Equivoque with a young gentleman of Quality that was an officer
of Dragoons, and who, I declare, stole a diamond-mounted Snuff-box of
mine off my wife's Harpsichord, putting the same (the Snuff-box, I mean)
into the pocket of his pantaloons. Him I was compelled to expel from my
house, the Toe of my Boot aiding; and meeting him subsequently at a
Coffee-house, and he not seeming sufficiently impressed with the
turpitude of his Offence, but the rather inclined to regard it as a
venial Prank or Whimsey, I did Batoon him within an inch of his life,
and until there were more wheals on his Body than bars of silver-braid
on his Jacket. This led to a serious misunderstanding between Justice
and myself. I was not Imprisoned, but was summoned no less than
fifty-seven times before a kind of Judge they call an Assessor, who
addressed a number of interrogatories to me, which, at a moderate
computation, reached, in the course of five weeks, three thousand seven
hundred and nine questions. This might have gone on till Doomsday, but
for the kind offices of a Muscovite friend, who hinted to me that if I
discreetly slipped a Bank-bill for five hundred roubles into the hand of
the Examining Judge, I should hear no more of the affair. This I did,
and was soon after honourably acquitted; after which I gave the young
Spark whom I had batooned his revenge, by allowing him to duff me out of
a few score pieces at the game of Lansquenet. By and by, being tired of
Moscow, we removed to the stately northern Capital, Petersburg, where I
had a handsome mansion on the Fontanka Canal, and was on more than one
occasion admitted to an audience with the Empress of Russia, the mighty
Czarina Catherine; a fine, bold, strapping woman, with a great taste for
Politics, Diamonds, the Fine Arts, and affairs of Gallantry. The First
time I made my obeisance to her Majesty (which was at her summer
residence of Peterhoff, on the River Neva), she deigned, smiling
affably, to say to me:--

"_Ah, ah! vous etes le Sabreur anglais qui avez rosse mes gens, la-bas,
a Moscou. Je voudrais que vous en fissiez autant pour mes faquins de
Chevalier-Gardes a Petersbourg._"

I was given to understand in very high quarters that I had only to ask,
to receive a lucrative and honourable Appointment in the service of the
Czarina,--either as a General by Land, or as an Admiral at Sea; but I
was sick of fighting, and of working too; so at last, in disgust, I gave
up my House, and taking shipping with my family at Cronstadt, retired to
Hamburg, whence, after a brief sojourn, I travelled to France.

My sainted Wife, with whom, after our reunion, I lived most happily,
died in Paris, in the year 1773; and then, feeling my Days drawing to a
close, and desiring to lay my Bones in my own Country, I returned to
England, after an absence of more than Thirty Years. Finding that the
old Mansion that had belonged to my Grandmother was for sale by Public
Auction, I purchased the Freehold, repaired and beautified it, and came
to reside in it, occupying my long and happy leisure by the composition
of these Memoirs. And if any one of my Readers experiences one-hundredth
part the pleasure in Reading these Pages (and that I dare scarcely hope)
that I have experienced in Writing them, John Dangerous will indeed be
amply repaid.


          THE END OF THE STRANGE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN
                           DANGEROUS.




NOTE EXCULPATORY.


IT may be as well to state, for the benefit of sticklers for matters of
fact, that, in the episode relating to Arabella Greenville, the manner
of death ascribed to Lord Francis Villiers is, as Dr. Colenso would say,
"un-historical." The young nobleman in question was slain in battle; and
the description of his execution at Hampton Court is one of the few
instances of the Romancer's licence I have allowed myself in these
volumes.

                                                            G. A. S.




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Transcriber's Notes:

Obvious punctuation errors repaired.

Spelling being fluid in Captain Dangerous' life, spellings such as
"Quean" (which shows up twice) were retained.

Page 16, "Item" was italicised to match the rest of the usage of this
word in this text. (_Item:_ I engaged)

Page 84, "Bood" changed to "Blood" (stain of Blood)

Page 127, repeated word "the" deleted. Original read: (with the the
floor of the)

Page 239, "they" changed to "the" (the Dey began to look)

Page 269, the "d" in the word "and" was printed upside down originally.
(a matured and)

Page 279, "Coglololies" changed to "Coglolies" to fit rest of usage
(guard of Coglolies)

Varied hyphenation in this book includes: a-piece and apiece, Gunshot
and Gun-shot; maingears and main-gears; Night-cap and Nightcap; Red-hot
and Redhot.





End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Strange Adventures of Captain
Dangerous, Vol. 3 of 3, by George Augustus Sala

*** 