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[Illustration: The First Monday.]

[Illustration: The First Fashion Plate.]

[Illustration: The First Lesson.]

[Illustration]




    The Complete Cynic

    Being Bunches of
    Wisdom Culled from the
    Calendars of

    Oliver Herford
    Ethel Watts Mumford
    Addison Mizner

    [Illustration]

    Paul Elder & Company

    Publishers . . San Francisco




[Illustration: COPY-RIGHT]

    Copyright, 1902, by Elder and Shepard
    Copyright, 1903, by Paul Elder and Company
    Copyright, 1904, by Paul Elder and Company
    Copyright, 1905, by Paul Elder and Company
    Copyright, 1906, by Paul Elder and Company
    Copyright, 1907, by Paul Elder and Company
    Copyright, 1908, by Paul Elder and Company
    Copyright, 1910, by Paul Elder and Company

[Illustration: Verbum Sap]




[Illustration: Fur give and fur get.]




DEDICATION, 1911

TO THE MERRY


    "Wisdom may not be confined
      'Twixt covers of the dictionary,
    Neither will it be defined;
      Learning, you may quickly bury;
    Wisdom--Soul and Life combined combined--
      Lingers ever with the merry."




[Illustration]




DEDICATION, 1905

TO THE WORLD AT LARGE


    This Little Book of Wisdom Great
    It pleases us to dedicate
    To that Rampageous Reprobate--
          The World at Large.
    Yet as we mark his Stony Phiz
    And see him whoop and whirl and whiz,
    We can but cry--O Lord, why _is_
          The World at Large!
                      OLIVER HERFORD.




[Illustration]




DEDICATION, 1907


    To Foolish-wise and Wisely-gay
    Of whate'er country they may be,
    We dedicate this little gem
    By Ollie, Addison and Me,
    In hopes they'll buy in massive lots
    And help us boil our little pots.
                                   (T)




[Illustration: DEDICATION]




DEDICATION, 1908


    Reader--would you a Cynic be?
      Vindictive--Vitriolic?
    Then be one in your Infancy--
      Your Nurse will think it's Colic.

    Like Measles take it while you're young,
      'Twill drive your parents frantic,
    But you'll grow up, (if still unhung)
      An Optimist Romantic.
                                      (H)

[Illustration]




[Illustration]




DEDICATION, 1909


    Then here's to those who love the Stars
    And diligently tea them,
    And here's to all Ambitious Souls
    Who strongly strive to be them;
    But most to those Discerning Ones
    Who know Stars when they see them.




[Illustration]


    "Now the well of truth
    'Tis an ink well."
                Sayings of Towanda.




[Illustration: The Root of all Evil ($)]




BOOK ONE


God gives us our relatives--thank God we can choose our friends. (M)

When Papa comes in at the door the Lover flies out at the window. (T)

Look before you sleep. (M)

It's a strong stomach that has no turning. (T)

Those that came to cough remain to spray. (H)

[Illustration]

Naught is lost save honor. (H)

God sends the tempest to the shorn lambs. (T)

Silence gives contempt. (M)

People who love in glass houses should pull down the blinds. (T & M)

God help those who do not help themselves. (T & M)

A church fair exchange is robbery. (T)

Fools rush in and win, where angels fear to tread. (M)

A rich man can get the eye of the beadle. (M)

The boulevards are the roads to destruction. (M)

Economy is the thief of time. (T)

A bird on a bonnet is worth ten on a plate. (T)

As you sew so must you rip. (T)

[Illustration: The quill is as mighty off the wing. (M)]

[Illustration]

Let him now speak or hereafter hold his piece of information for a good
price. (M)

A lie in time saves nine. (T)

A thing of duty is an-noy forever. (H)

Better all a loafer than a half-bred. (T & M)

Matri-mony is the root of all evil. (T)

Necessity is the mother of contention. (T)

A word to the wise is resented. (M)

Where there is a will there's a lawsuit. (T)

Hell is paved with big pretensions. (T)

"Mercy and truth are met together, righteousness and peace have kissed
each other." Look out!!!! (M)

Pride will have a Fall bonnet. (M)

He laughs best, who's laugh lasts. (T)

[Illustration]

He that is surety for a stranger shall be wiser the next time. (M)

Pride goeth before and the bill cometh after. (M)

Single blessedness and married cussedness. (T)

Young widows in ash cloth and sashes. (M)

Blood is bluer than water. (T)

None but the brave desert the fair. (T)

A little widow is a dangerous thing. (M)

Money shall cover a multitude of sins. (T)

"Who so findeth a (rich) wife findeth a good thing." (M) Prov.
xviii, 22.

Whose service is perfect freedom??? (M)

As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it? (M)

[Illustration: Some are born widows, some achieve widowhood, whilst
others have widows thrust upon them. (T)]

[Illustration]

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (T)

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. (T)

If the wolf be at the door, open it and eat him. (M)

Many are called but few get up. (H)

Saint heart ne'er won fair lady. (M)

Honor is without profit--in most countries. (T & M)

Consistency, thou art a mule! (M)

The poor ye have with ye always--but they are not invited. (T)

Eat your steak or you'll have stew. (M)

Stays make waist. (M)

One touch of nature makes the whole world blush. (T & M)

Think of your ancestors and your posterity and you will never marry.
(M)

[Illustration]

Sweet are the uses of diversity. (M)

Tamper not with fledged fools. (T)

Tomorrow would be sweet if we could kill yesterday. (M)

A lie for a lie and a truth for a truth. (M)

Fain would I write yet fear to pall. (T)

In one's old coterie may one sport the old pantry and vestry? (H)

It is better to make friends fast than to make fast friends. (M)

There's many a sip 'twixt the cup and the lip. (M)

A friend in deeds is a friend indeed. (M)

All that a man knoweth will he tell to his wife. (M & T)

One husband does not make a home. (T)

What is home without another? (H)

[Illustration: When folly is bliss 'tis ignorance to be otherwise. (M)]

A fool and his honey are soon mated. (T & M)

There is no soak without some fire water. (M)

Tell the truth and shame the--family. (T)

There's none so blind as those who won't fee. (H)

Knowledge is power--if you know it about the right person. (M)

[Illustration]




[Illustration: Next!]




BOOK TWO


A little spark may smirk unseen. (T)

The wages of Gin is Debt. (T)

"The grinders may cease"--but the grind goes on forever. (M)

Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. (H)

Too many hooks spoil the cloth. (T)

[Illustration: Dead men tell no tales--?--?--! (T)]

One good turn deserves applause. (T)

Opposition is the surest persuasion. (M)

He who owes nothing fears nothing. (T)

You will never miss water while the champagne runs dry. (T)

Money makes the Mayor go. (H)

There's a Pen for the wise, but alas! no Pound for the foolish. (M)

Imagination makes cowards of us all. (T)

Wild oats make a bad autumn crop. (T)

The number of a man's widows will be in proportion to the size of his
estate. (M)

He that is down need not fear plucking. (M)

Nothing succeeds like--failure. (H)

Let him that standeth pat take heed lest they call. (T)

Don't take the Will for the Deed--get the Deed. (M)

The doors of Opportunity are marked "Push" and "Pull." (T)

Charity is the sterilized milk of human kindness. (H)

The greatest possession is Self-possession. (T)

Pleasant company always accepted. (T)

The gossip is not always of the swift, nor the tattle of the wrong. (T)

Advice to Parents--"Cast not your girls before swains." (T)

Only the young die good. (T)

[Illustration: The wisest reflections are but Vanity. (T)]

The Doctor's Motto--A fee in the hand is worth two on the book. (T)

Give an inch and take an ell. (T)

What can't be cured must be insured. (H)

The more taste the less creed. (T)

There is no time like the pleasant. (H)

The danger lies not in the big ears of little pitchers, but in the
large mouths. (T)

He jests at scores who never played at Bridge. (T)

Women change their minds a dozen times a day--that's why they are so
clean-minded. (H)

A gentle lie turneth away inquiry. (H)

Never too old to yearn. (T)

Kind hearts are more than coronets--few girls can afford to have
either. (T)

    He who fights and runs away
    Will live to write about the fray. (H)

The pension is mightier than the sword. (T)

A fool's paradise is nevertheless a paradise. (T)

Let well enough alone--there's brandy and soda. (M)

A fellow failing makes us wondrous unkind. (H)

Society covers a multitude of sins. (T)

All is not bold that titters. (T)

The ways of the transgressor are smooth. (H)

The Steamer's Motto--You can't eat your cake and have it, too. (H)

[Illustration: You may lead an Ass to Knowledge--but you cannot make
him Think. (T)]

The more waist the less speed. (M)

The self-made man is often proud of a poor job. (T)

[Illustration:

    Shut your mouth and open your eyes--
    And you'll need nothing to make you wise.
                                          (T)]

[Illustration]




[Illustration: The First Jealousy.]




BOOK THREE


Many a man's house is his Bastille. (T)

Costly thy garments as thy tailor will stand for. (M)

To have and to scold. (M)

Busy people are never busybodies. (T)

To make the winter pass quickly--sign a note in the fall. (H)

The Grafter's Motto--Work ill done must be twice paid for. (T)

[Illustration: Too many looks spoil the cloth. (T)]

Never give up from the ship. (M)

Look out for your friends--the neighbors will look in for themselves.
(T)

Come in (and see if you can stay in) without knocking. (M)

Better a live doggerel than a dead sonnet. (T)

A cat may look at a king--but it takes four aces to see four of 'em. (T
& M)

Chicago Motto--I smell a vat. (M)

Diplomacy: Lying in State. (H)

Millionaire: A large body entirely surrounded by water-ed stock. (T & M)

Contentment is the smother of invention. (T)

"The law is open"--to question. (T)

Life Insurance Motto--Robbing the widows early and orphan. (T)

An ounce of convention is worth a pound of explanation. (T)

Opportunity knows no law. (T)

Avoid the plate in sincere prayer. (M)

A kiss in time saves brine. (H)

The Doctor's Motto--Better a dead patient than a live appendix. (T)

Whom the Gallery Gods love dye young. (H)

The locksmith is the only tradesman Love can afford to laugh at. (T)

Where the fire burns hottest there is no smoke. (M)

Nobody's business is everybody's curiosity. (T)

Rice makes might. (H) General Oyama.

Sow your wild oats in a peach orchard. (M)

First waters run steep. (H)

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush. (H)

[Illustration: A lion among ladies is a terrible thing.
                                      Shakespeare. (T)]


    O woman, in thine hours of ease,
    Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,
    When pains of anguish wring the brow,
    You send us to the hospital now! (T)

Take what comes your way--but select the way. (T)

He that seweth the wind will bust his singer. (T)

Jealousy is confession of weakness. (T)

Chauffeur--and much further. (H) Motophor.

Put not your Trust in investigation. (T)

All's well that ends swell. (T)

Meet out Justice as she should be met. (M)

The woman who forgives and doesn't forget is trying to preempt heaven
and raise hell. (T)

Fed men tell no tales. (M)

A "wise" son maketh a mad father. (M)

"Time" was made for knaves. (T)

One man's canned meat is another man's poison. (H) The Packer's
Proverb.

Once a good fellow always a good thing. (M)

Pluck not the date of the itching palm. (T)

There's always room at the top--after the investigation. (H)

On with the dance, let joy be unrefined. (M)

Not lost, but gone to law. (M)

Let your X-rays so shine that they may see your bad works. (T)

The mug that goes often with the swells will some day be broke. (H)

A woman on time is one in nine. (T)

There are enough serious things in life without considering yourself
one of them. (M)

[Illustration: The First Cynic. (H)]

[Illustration: The First Quarrel. (H)]

First catch your reputation and then see if you can keep up with it. (T)

There are more fish taken out of a stream than ever were in it. (H)
The Angler's Motto.

Many a smile maketh a flirt. (M)

    I was glad when they said unto me,
    Let us go into the house of a lord. (H)
                    Snob's Text.

Architecture! Oh, the crimes that have been committed in thy name! (M)

Obesity is the mother of Abstinence. (H)

Blessed is the peacemaker; for he shall need the kingdom of heaven as a
refuge. (M)

He jests at scares who never dodged a car. (T)

A switch in time saves a fine. (H) Motophor.

Of the six senses: the mightiest of these is humor. (M)

It's the man behind the chauffeur who gets the jerk. (T & M).

Necessity knows any mother-in-law. (H)

The world is divided into two groups: those trying to get thin and
those trying to get fat. (M)

What's in a name--without seventy-five per cent. advertising. (M)

The worst thing about cynicism is its truth. (T)

Tell your secrets and become a slave. (M)

Hunger is the best sauce--and the worst boss. (M)

To go wool gathering. (T) Wall Street's Motto.

You may drink hearty but not healthy. (T)

He who will have a finger in every pie will some day find it mince. (T)

Don't kill sheep too near home. (M)

[Illustration: Nothing is stronger than custom-s. (T)]

He's a friend to none who's a friend to oil. (T) The Standard Motto.

I would fain not die a dry death. (M) With apologies to "The Tempest."

A penny yearned is a penny shaved. (T) The Sage's Motto.

    O wad some power the giftie gie us
    To see some people before they see us! (M)

Discretion is the better part of indiscretion. (T)

Love is blind--that explains many things. (M)

    A cad--the other man.
    A cat--the other woman. (H)

In the midst of life we are in debt. (M)

A man of courage never needs weapons--but he may need bail. (M)

A flea in the ear is worse than two on the dog. (T)

He that liveth well hath (l)earned enough. (M)

Born with a silver spoon in the mouth--and somebody hopes you choke. (T)

People who have never been tempted are just as good as cold-storage
eggs. (H)

United we stand it, divided we re-marry. (T)

The original Scotch high bawl--bagpipes. (H)

Old wine and women should not be stirred. (M)

A Piller for Society--a fashionable doctor. (H)

When thieves fall out--then honest men may steal. (T)

Every Jock has his pull. (T)

In Unions is discord. (T)

"Laissez faire." (H) Corset-Maker's Motto.

Indiscretion is the better part of pallor. (H)

[Illustration: To this complexion do we come at last.
                                             Hamlet. (T)]

"Troubles never come singly." Why marry? (T)

Some people's genius lies in giving infinite pains. (T)

A soft drink turneth away company. (H)

They also swear who only stand and wait. (T)

He who runs may face a recount. (M)

Better fifty minutes motoring than a cycle to Cathay. (H)

[Illustration: FINISH]




[Illustration: The Eternal Deception--Find the Devil?]




BOOK FOUR


Announce of Prevention--"No Admittance." (H)

All the world shoves a shover. (T)

Give a jury enough dope and it will hang itself. (H)

If the shoe fits--put it on to somebody else. (T)

It's the darkest before pawn. (M)

A policy shop--the Embassy. (T)

He payeth best who loveth best. (T)

If at first you don't succeed, buy, buy again. (H) From "Maxims of a
Johnny."

You may have many strings to your Beau, but "It doesn't always follow."
(H)

Two is Company, three is Investigation. (T)

"Peace that passeth all understanding"--the Hague Conference. (H)

Those who "cursed the day they were born" must have been infant
prodigies. (T)

They say the artist never repeats himself--many artists are too busy
repeating other people. (H)

Beware games of chance--the game doesn't take chances. (T)

The original bone of contention--Adam's rib. (H)

The golden mean--nouveau riche. (H)

Why do those today whom you can work tomorrow? (M)

Blow it--while you're young! (H)

[Illustration: Wade--and found wanting. (H)]

How far that little scandal throws its beams! So shines a bad deed in
the daily press. (T)

Receipts of the Mighty--Dividends. (H)

Ohm! Sweet Ohm! (H) Electrician's Motto.

Wife is uncertain. (T)

Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle, they burned Rome. (H)

A counter irritant--the saleslady. (T)

A cat has nine lives, but the scandal she starts has ninety. (T)

A Saturday night egg is an egg that has "tried all week to be good." (H)

Don't kill the goose that lays the golden egg--pluck it. (T)

First be sure it's light, then go to bed. (M)

I only regret that I have but one wife to leave in my country. (T)
Last words of the Absconder.

Consistency is the only jewel that tempts no woman. (H)

It's a wise saw that cuts two ways. (T)

Best fed, soonest landed. (T)

Truth is stronger than diction. (H)

Everybody hates an early riser. (H)

Cut your friends according to your check-book. (T) The Parvenue's
Motto.

One may do favors for many but accept them from few. (M)

When the author's away--we write the play. (H) Actor's Motto.

Buy, Baby, Buy!!! (H) Chorus Girls' College Yell.

Work, for the light is coming! (T) The Burglar's Motto.

Leave no "Turn" unstoned. (H) Dramatic Critic's Motto.

The burning question--Will we get the insurance? (T)

Publicity is the bent pin in the seats of the Mighty. (H)

If thou hast a white elephant, be comforted--somewhere there is a zoo.
(T)

[Illustration: A straw shows which way the gin flows. (H)]

    To be a Cynic, get a pair
    Of cross-eyed goggles blue,
    And you will see folks everywhere
    As other folks see you. (H)

No one knows the worth of woman's love till he sues for alienation. (H)

Who whirls an auto reaps an autopsy. (H)

To the food inspector all things are pure. (M)

A Pool--and your money is soon parted. (H)

Ignorance of the Law excuses no man--from practising it. (T)

Stock exchange is all robbery. (H)

If some people got their Rights they would complain of being deprived
of their wrongs. (H)

Too many "Cooks" spoil the tour. (M)

An ounce of detention is worth a pound of too sure. (T)

A Medium: One who puts a spook in your wheels. (H)

Pay the Piper--but jew down his bill. (T)

Exclusiveness is Nature's quarantine for snobs. The polecat is the most
exclusive of animals--the garlic of vegetables. (H)

When Art is long the artist is short. (H)

Men may come and men may go, but women prink forever. (H)

A man is known by the silence he keeps. (H)

[Illustration: FINIS]




[Illustration: The Fat is on the Friar.]




BOOK FIVE


Be hailed truthful that your lies may count. (M)

Never drink from your finger-bowl--it contains only water. (T)

Have patients. (T) The Doctor's Motto.

Don't talk about yourself--it will be done when you leave. (T)

"Honest as the day is long"--don't strike for shorter hours. (M)

Don't leave your spoon in your cup--work it up your sleeve. (M)

Don't borrow trouble--it is cheerfully given. (T)

Never strike a woman--tell her she can't reason. (T)

Poets are born, not paid. (T)

Nothing too small for personal attention--remember the flea. (T)

Even the tallest family tree has its roots in the soil. (H)

Pro-moter--one who wants to sell you his. (T)

It's a long love that has no turning. (M)

Out of sight--in for absent treatment. (M)

Never call a man a fool--borrow from him. (T)

The pen is fightier than the sword. (H)

[Illustration: Beauty and the Brut. (T)]

Let your light so shine before men that they may dodge your motor car.
(T)

Weighed and found banting. (H)

Where is the dough of yesteryear? (M) General Cry.

Close to nature--the bathing-suit. (T)

Don't make sweeping assertions--_do_ the housework. (T)

Lots of people have matrimonial troubles and don't know it. (H)

A penitentiary for your faults. (M)

    I hold it truth with them that sing
    With one long carp in cynic tones,
    That men will rise on stepping-stones
    Of their best selves for anything. (T)

Cultivate a pleasing address. Some people judge by location. (T)

Does a virtue cease to be a virtue when embraced by a woman? (H)

Welcome the coming; bleed the parting guest. (M) The Landlord's
Motto.

"Ladies First"--or you may get backbitten. (T)

Some people will only thaw out at the Social Register. (T)

Never speak sharply--give your poison-candied opinion. (T)

Never put your feet on the table--some people eat pigs' feet. (T)

Not one-half knows how his better half lives. (T)

Too good to be new. (H)

Much silver goeth by the till the cash-register knoweth not of. (M)

Too many crooks spoil the legislature. (T)

The rift in the loot--the reform committee. (T)

[Illustration: What are the Wild Waves saying, Sister?]

"Salt Horse" is soon curried. (H)

"Give no quarter" and the dollars will take care of themselves. (T)

If a penny is wise, who says a pound is foolish? (M)

The field of literature is sown with laurel and wild oats. (H)

The family "Grace"--thank God they couldn't come! (H)

[Illustration: END.]





End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Complete Cynic, by
Oliver Herford and Ethel Watts Mumford and Addison Mizner

*** 