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[Illustration]

  WITH THE CHILDREN

  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

    Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself,
    the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of
    comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
    from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.

  MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MUCH ADO.--"Mamma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We's crying! Tum up
'tairs an' see what's de matter wiv us!"]

  MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration]

AS PICTURED BY

PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE,
JOHN LEECH, GORDON BROWNE, L. RAVEN-HILL,
CHARLES PEARS, LEWIS BAUMER, DAVID WILSON, TOM
BROWNE, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, C. E. BROCK, TOM
WILKINSON, HILDA COWHAM, AND OTHER HUMORISTS

_IN 175 ILLUSTRATIONS_

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

  LIFE IN LONDON
  COUNTRY LIFE
  IN THE HIGHLANDS
  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
  IRISH HUMOUR
  COCKNEY HUMOUR
  IN SOCIETY
  AFTER DINNER STORIES
  IN BOHEMIA
  AT THE PLAY
  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
  ON THE CONTINONG
  RAILWAY BOOK
  AT THE SEASIDE
  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
  WITH ROD AND GUN
  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
  BOOK OF SPORTS
  GOLF STORIES
  IN WIG AND GOWN
  ON THE WARPATH
  BOOK OF LOVE
  WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration]

       *       *       *       *       *

EDITOR'S NOTE

[Illustration]

In the order of our Library "Mr. Punch with the Children" comes last,
yet, so continual and sincere has been the interest of the breezy little
man in the children, we might well have placed this volume first. The
_Punch_ pictures, stories and jests that are concerned with the young
folk are almost inexhaustible. The present collection, though containing
the cream of them, comes very far indeed from reproducing them all, or
even fifty per cent. For every notable artist and writer who has been
much associated with _Punch_ since 1841 has had something to say or to
illustrate of the humours of child life. If genius be the power to be a
child again at will, we can understand this abiding interest in the
doings of the children. MR. PUNCH himself resembles Peter Pan, for he
has never grown up. The years roll by, but the jolly little hunchback
remains as young as ever.

The variety of individuality in the children, to whom we are here
introduced, is noteworthy. In the days of Leech, downright impudence
seems to have been a characteristic of the young; to-day it would seem
children are better mannered, even if the _enfant terrible_ is still
thriving and likely to do so. There are nice children here, and naughty
ones; clever and dull children; pretty and ugly children--the
mischievous are chiefly memories of last generation! Phil May's children
are all clearly of the "gutter snipe" order, in which he delighted, full
of character and a somewhat pathetic humour; but how clean and sweet and
lovable are Du Maurier's or Mr. Lewis Baumer's! Mr. Raven-Hill seems to
be attracted somewhat in the same direction as Phil May; but all are
interesting, and their sayings and doings are eminently worthy to be
thus permanently gathered into one volume.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: Boy (_looking forward to a party in the evening_). "Oh,
mummy, baby _is_ naughty! He has taken two things off the calendar, and
made it to-morrow!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

  MR. PUNCH WITH THE CHILDREN

[Illustration: A STUDY IN EXPRESSION]

A SERIOUS MATTER.--_Grandfather_ (_to Miss <DW29>, who is
somewhat flushed and excited_). What's the matter, my pet?

_Miss Pansy_ (_aged eight_). Oh, grandpa, me and my kitten have been
having the most awful row. We've often quarrelled before and made it up
again, but this time we're not on speaking terms.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_dictating letter to his sister, whom he has
"squared" into writing for him_). "Dear Miss Brown, please xcuse Bobbie
for not bean at school sinse Tewsday has he as add twothake on Tewsday
and on Wednesday he broke is harm and he ad to go to a party yesterday
afternoon. If he does not come to-morrow it will be because a boy thrue
a stoan at is i.--Yours trooly, Bobbie's mother."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PRESENCE OF MIND.--_Little Girl_ (_who has been disturbed
by a mouse, in a stage-whisper to her sleeping sister_). "Wake up! Oh,
wake up and mew, Amy; mew for your life!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: UNIMAGINATIVE

_Auntie._ "Do you see the hair in this old brooch, Cyril? It was your
great-grandfather's."

_Cyril._ "I say, Auntie, he didn't have much!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

_Auntie._ Well, Effie, did you enjoy your party last night?

_Effie._ Very much, thank you, auntie.

_Auntie._ And I suppose mamma was there to look after you?

_Effie._ Oh no! Mamma and I _don't belong_ to the same set!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NICE NEPHEW!

_Tommy._ "Talking of riddles, Uncle, do you know the difference between
an apple and a elephant?"

_Uncle_ (_benignly_). "No, my lad, I don't."

_Tommy._ "You'd be a smart chap to send out to buy apples, wouldn't
you?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.--"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind
you don't use any rude words!"

"Rude words! _Tell_ me a few, mummy, and then I shall _know_, you know!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A "CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR"

_Governess._ "Now, just one more subtraction sum----"

_Dolly._ "Oh, Miss Crawford, I don't fink mummie would let me do any
more of _those_ sums, 'cause in them you borrow _ten_ and pay back only
_one_, and that's cheating!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A GREAT AMBITION

_Little Girl_ (_watching her mother fixing hatpins through her hat_).
"When will _I_ be old enough, mummy, to have holes made in _my_ head to
keep my hat on?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: REHEARSAL FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS ON BOXING-DAY.--_Master
Brown_ (_leading tragedian, who has been studying a fearful
blood-curdling old melodrama, entering suddenly)_. "Here are the
letters. Two million pounds is the price of my silence!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

WALKING HOME FROM THE PANTOMIME.--_Little Chris_ (_who usually goes to
bed very early_). Mamma, have all the angels been to Drury Lane
to-night?

_Mamma._ No, darling? Why?

_Little Chris_ (_pointing to the stars_). 'Cause they've kept the lamps
up there lighted so late.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OUR CHRISTMAS TEA.--_Unregenerate Youth._ "Pass the seedy
caike!" _Vicar's Daughter._ "If----? If----?" _Unregenerate Youth._ "If
'e don't I'll shove 'im in the faice!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE PROBLEM.

_Samuel._ "Muvver, does a hen lay an egg when it _likes_ or _must_ it?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A GRAND-DAUGHTER OF EVE.--_Mamma_ (_to Molly, who has
scratched and bitten her French nurse, and who won't be sorry for her
behaviour_). "Oh, Molly, don't you know who it is puts such wicked
thoughts into your head?" _Molly._ "Ah, yes, the _scratching_! But to
_bite_ Felicie was quite my own idea!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ROGUES FALLING OUT.--_Mamma._ What is baby crying for, Maggie?

_Maggie._ I don't know.

_Mamma._ And what are _you_ looking so 'ndignant about?

_Maggie._ That nasty, greedy dog's been and took and eaten my
'punge-take!

_Mamma._ Why, I saw you eating a sponge-cake a minute ago!

_Maggie._ O--that was baby's!

       *       *       *       *       *

A SCIENTIFIC NURSERY DEFINITION.--_Little Algy Muffin._ What's the
meaning of bric-a-brac, that mamma was talking about to Colonel Crumpet?

_Little Chris Crumpet._ Those things we mustn't play bricks with, a-fear
we'll break them.

       *       *       *       *       *

POETRY FOR SCHOOLBOYS.--Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the
week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those
felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line--

"My grief lies onward, and my joy behind."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: LOGICAL.--_Little Bobby_ (_whose mamma is very
particular, and is always telling him to wash his face and hands_).
"Mummy dear! I do wish I was a little black boy." _Mamma._ "My dear
Bobby, you generally are." _Little Bobby._ "Oh, I mean _really_ black.
_Then_ you wouldn't see when I was dirty."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED

_Cissie_ (_who has never seen an Archdeacon before_). "Dick, that old
clergyman has got gaiters on. What does it mean when a clergyman wears
gaiters?"

_Dick_ (_who knows everything_). "Oh, it means that he belongs to the
cyclist corps!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "WHAT MAISIE KNEW"

_Kind Aunt._ "You needn't be afraid of my little pug, Maisie. He won't
bite you."

_Maisie._ "No, auntie. But he might kick!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_Bobby._ "Do you know what daddy calls you, Mr. Tovey?"

_Mr. Tovey._ "No Bobby. What is it?"

_Bobby._ "He calls you Port Arthur, 'cause you take so long to
surrender!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to mother, who has just read notice_). "I
suppose, mother, it doesn't mention _which_ half of the poor thing we
are to look for?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

JUVENILE GEOGRAPHY.--_Governess._ The earth moves round the sun ... it
takes a whole year to complete the round ... and this accounts for the
four seasons. What are the four seasons of the year, Phyllis?

_Phyllis_ (_aged_ five). This year, next year, sometime, never.

       *       *       *       *       *

"IT'S A WISE CHILD THAT KNOWS ITS OWN FATHER."--_Grace._ Harold, why did
pa call that Mr. Blowhard a liar?

_Harold._ 'Cos he's smaller than pa!

       *       *       *       *       *

A LITTLE LEARNING.--_Teacher._ And who was Joan of Arc?

_Scholar._ Please, sir, Noah's wife.

       *       *       *       *       *

A LITTLE STEPMOTHER.--_Uncle._ Hullo! Dot, got a new doll?

_Little Miss Dot._ Hush, uncle, don't speak too loud. She is not one of
my own, but belonged to Millie Simpson, who was cruel to her and
'bandoned her, so I have 'dopted her; but I don't want her to know,
because I mean to make no difference between her and my own dollies.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A POSER

_Katie_ (_in consternation_). "Oh, mother, how _will_ Santa Claus do
about that poor man's stockings?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE RETURN INVITATION.--"Please, Mrs. Subbubs, mamma says
she'll be glad if you'll come to tea on Monday." "With pleasure, Bessie.
Tell your mother it's really too kind----" "Oh, no! mamma says she'll be
glad when it's over."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Did our hat-rack walk about and have only two pegs,
once, auntie?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: STABLE TALK.--_The General._ "That's a funny sort of
horse you've got there, Cuthbert." _Cuthbert._ "Yes, gran'pa. You see
he's been 'eating his head off' all the winter!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Severe Mother._ "You naughty boy! How dare you tell such
stories? Aren't you ashamed of yourself for being a little liar?"
_Injured Son._ "Well, mother, 't ain't my fault. Father gave me a awful
thrashing the other day for having spoken the truth." _Mother._ "What
_do_ you mean?" _Son._ "Why, when I told you that father had come home
quite drunk the night before!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "IN STRANGE ATTIRE"

"Nurse! Nurse! Bobby's out of bed, and running about in his _bananas_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PROOF

"You won't go in that dark room alone by yourself, Tommy."

"Oh! won't I? You just _come with me_, and see me do it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: INCONTROVERTIBLE

"And how _old_ are you, my little man?" "I'm not old at all. I'm nearly
_new_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FORCE OF CLASSIC TEACHING.--_Master._ Now, boys, what is Hexham
famous for?

_Binks Minor._ Making the hexameter, sir.

[_Waits afterwards._

       *       *       *       *       *

PROVERBS REVISED.--"_One is better than two._" _Mother._ You are a very
naughty little girl!

_Little Girl_ (_after some thought_). Aren't you glad I wasn't twins,
mummy?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD

_Mild Old Gentleman rescues a bun which child has dropped in the mud._

_Child_ (_all aglow with righteous indignation_). "That's _my_ bun!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

TRUE SENTIMENT.--"I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie--that pretty
lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to
send her?"

"Yes, mummie; give her my love, and say I never look at a little black
pig now without thinking of _her_!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Chemist._ "Pills, eh?" (_Emphasising question_)
"Anti-bilious?"

_Child_ (_readily_). "No, sir; uncle is!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mother._ "Now, dear, why don't you run away and give
grandpa a kiss?" _Child_ (_somewhat nonplussed by grandpapa's moustache
and beard_). "I don't see any place for it, mamma!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.--_Ethel._ "Mummy dear, why did
you tell Richard you 'weren't at home' just now?" (_Pause._) "Mummy, I
mean----" _Mamma._ "When Sir Fusby Dodderidge called? Why, Ethel dear,
because he bores me." _Ethel._ "Oh!" (_After thoughtfully considering
the matter with regard to her governess_). "Then may I say I'm not at
home when Miss Krux calls to-morrow? for _she_ bores _me_ awfully?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AT THE RINK.--_Little Girl._ "Oh, Captain Sprawler, _do_
put on your skates, and show me the funny figures you can make."

_Captain S._ "My dear child, I'm only a beginner. I can't make any
figures." _Little Girl._ "But Mabel said you were skating yesterday, and
cut a _ridiculous_ figure!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Daisy_ (_who has been studying
Chrysanthemums_).--Maisy, do you know what's a _Double Begonia_?

_Maisy_ (_who has been studying the Classics_).--"Double Big-onia"? Yes!
Of course, it's the plural of one big onion.

       *       *       *       *       *

MAIDENLY ETIQUETTE.--_Little Chris_ (_aetat eight_). I've a birthday
party on Thursday, Evie. I should like you to come.

_Little Evie_ (_aetat nine_). I should love to, dear.

_Little Chris._ But I couldn't, you know, unless you asked me to tea
first.

       *       *       *       *       *

IN THE LIBRARY.--_Tommy._ How beautifully those books is binded!

_Little Dot._ No, Tommy, that's wrong. You mustn't say "binded"; you
should say, "are bounded."

       *       *       *       *       *

SUPERLATIVE ASSURANCE.--_Papa_ (To Little Chris). I can't quite
understand you. Was it Mr. Jones, or Mr. David Jones, or Mr. Griffith
Jones, whom you met?

_Little Chris_ (_stoutly_). All I know is, it was the _third eldest_ Mr.
Jones.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_stroking kitten, a new present_). "Mother,
kitty's so hot! Ought she to sit so near the fire?" (_Kitten purrs._)
"Oh, mother, listen! She's beginning to boil!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A VIRTUE OF NECESSITY.--_Aunt Maria._ What a good little boy to leave
your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me.

_Master Douglas._ Oh, mother always _makes_ us do nasty things and
things we don't like.

       *       *       *       *       *

MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_The Fair Weather Barometer._) This is a
pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in
equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior
of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local
disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at
"very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention,
permanent fair weather.

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE BOARD SCHOOL.--_Inspector._ Now, can any of you children state
what is likely to be the future of China?

_One Maiden_ (_after a pause_). Please sir, father says that China's
like him.

_Inspector._ Like him! What do you mean?

_The Maiden._ Sure to be broken by the force of circumstances.

[_Class dismissed immediately._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN INNOCENT HINT

_Auntie._ "What is Nellie's nose for?"

_Nellie_ (_doubtfully_). "To smell with."

_Auntie._ "And what is Nellie's mouth for?"

_Nellie_ (_cautiously_). "To eat with."

_Auntie._ "And what are Nellie's ears for?"

_Nellie_ (_confidently_). "Ear-rings."]

       *       *       *       *       *


A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE!--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women
were beastly rude.

_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?

_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage
(_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old
French beans.

       *       *       *       *       *

SOLILOQUY.--"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They
won't buy it for me at home--too soon after Christmas. Must go in and
ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or
something; then mother'll buy it me!"

       *       *       *       *       *

"TOO CLEVER BY HALF"

  Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school,
  Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool;
  Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright,
  Johnnie could never do anything right.
  Genius often is known to fail;
  Tommy turned forger, and went to jail.
  Johnnie, though slow as he well could be,
  Plodded away and became M.P.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "CONSERVATION OF TISSUE."--_Uncle._ "Well, Tommy, you see
I'm back; are you ready? What have I to pay for, miss?"

_Miss._ "Three buns, four sponge cakes, two sandwiches, one jelly, five
tarts, and----" _Uncle._ "Good gracious, boy! Are you not ill?" _Tommy._
"No, uncle; but I'm thirsty."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "Now then, little boy. What
do you mean by bullying that little girl? Don't you know it's very
cruel?"

_Rude Little Boy._ "Garn! wot's the trouble? _She's my Sweetheart!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Grandpapa._ "Well little lady, will you give me a lock
of that pretty hair of yours?" _Marjory._ "Yes, granpa';
but"--(_hesitating_)--"I don't fink _one_ lock would be enough, would
it?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "DADDY'S WAISTCOAT"

(_Sketched from Life in Drury Lane._)]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A STORY WITHOUT WORDS]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE CASE FOR THE DEFENCE.--_Mother._ Oh, Dicky, what terrible things you
do keep in your pockets! Fancy, a dead crab!

_Dicky._ Well, mother, it wasn't dead when I put it there!

       *       *       *       *       *

HAPPY THOUGHT.--"Why, my boy, you've spelt window without an _N_! Don't
you know the difference between a _window_ and a _widow_?"

"Yes, sir. You can see through _one_--and--and--you can't see through
the _other_, sir!"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE YOUNG IDEA AGAIN.--(SCENE--_Fourth-standard room of an elementary
school. Children reading._) _Inspector_ (_to the Teacher_). What are
they reading about?

_Teacher._ American Indians.

_Inspector._ I will ask them a few questions. (_To children._) What is a
Red Indian's wife called? (_Many hands up_). Tell me.

_Scholar._ A squaw, sir.

_Inspector._ What is a Red Indian's baby called? (_Silence. At last a
boy volunteers._) Well, my boy?

_Boy._ Please, sir, a squaker!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS AT THIS FESTIVE SEASON

_Mamma._ "Why, my dearest Albert, what are you crying for?--so good,
too, as you have been all day!"

_Spoiled Little Boy._ "Boo-hoo! I've eaten so--m-much be-eef and
t-turkey, that I can't eat any p-p-plum p-p-pudding!"

[_Oh, what a very greedy little fellow._]

       *       *       *       *       *

A MODERN PARIS.--_Schoolmaster._ Now, boys, supposing that the goddesses
Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear before you, what would you do with
this apple?

_Brown Minimus._ Please sir, I'd eat it before they asked for it?

       *       *       *       *       *

A POINT UNSETTLED IN HISTORY.--_Lucy_ (_to her elder sister who has just
been relating a thrilling episode in the life of William Tell_). And was
the little boy allowed to _eat_ the apple afterwards?

       *       *       *       *       *

MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_Household ginger beer._)--Empty the kitchen
spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the
wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and
stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the
water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from
every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer.

       *       *       *       *       *

IN DISTRESS.--Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid
dog _staring at me with his teeth_.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Child_ (_in berth of night steamer_). "Mummy, I'm so
sleepy. I want to go to bed." _Mother._ "But you _are_ in bed dear."
_Child._ "No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.--(_This is the second time that
Madge has pricked her finger--the first time it bled so much that mamma
felt quite faint, and had to drink a glass of sherry; now it's Jack's
turn_). _Mamma._ "Well, what's the matter with _you_, Jack?" _Jack._
"Oh! I feel rather _faint_, that's all. _Is there such a thing as a bun
in the house?_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Tommy_ (_criticising the menu of
the coming feast_). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind
you put plenty of rum into the _baba_--Dolly and Molly like it, you
know--and so do I!" _Monsieur Cordonbleu_ (_retained for the occasion_).
"Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to
dine viz de compagnie?" _Tommy._ "Oh nong! But just ain't we going to
sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AT THE ZOO.--_Little Girl_ (_after seeing many queer
beasts_). "But there aren't _really_ such animals, nurse, are there?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.--_Uncle George._ "Don't over-eat
yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age." _Jimmy_
(_sotto voce_). "When did you begin, then?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN EARLY PURITAN

_Bobby_ (_who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and
doesn't like it_). "I'll write and tell papa!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Gertie._ "Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads
you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AT A CHRISTMAS JUVENILE PARTY.--_Aunt Florence._ "I will
find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any
choice?" _Miss Ethel._ "Well, auntie, I should prefer one with a
_moustache_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A CRY FROM THE HEART.--_Little Dunce_ (_looking up
suddenly from her history book_). "Oh, mummy, darling, I _do_ so wish
I'd lived under James the Second!" _Mamma._ "Why?" _Little Dunce._
"Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his
reign!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A BIG PILL.--"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum--mummy--I
dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Hostess._ "What would you like to eat, Effie?" _Effie._
"Cake." _Mother_ (_reprovingly_). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've
forgotten? Pl----" _Effie._ "Pl--um!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

OVERHEARD AT THE ZOO.--(_A fact._)--_Small child_ (_pointing to the
hippopotamus_). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath!

_Better-informed parent._ That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a
crocydile!

       *       *       *       *       *

INFANT AGONIES.--_Small boy._ Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs?

_Auntie._ No!

_Small boy._ Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered--a beastie!

       *       *       *       *       *

INADEQUATE HOSPITALITY.--"Well, Guy, did you enjoy the party?"

"Yes, mummy; but I'm _so_ hungry. There was only a _now and then_ tea,
you know; with no chairs, and no grace!"

       *       *       *       *       *

NATURE'S LOGIC.--_Papa._ How is it, Alice, that _you_ never get a prize
at school?

_Mamma._ And that your friend, Louisa Sharp, gets so many?

_Alice_ (_innocently_). Ah! Louisa Sharp has got such clever parents!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "FIAT EXPERIMENTUM," &c.--Scene--_A Christmas family
gathering at a country house. Old Bachelor Guest_ (_violently awakened
out of his morning snooze._) "Who'sh there?" _The Grandchildren_
(_shouting in chorus, and banging at his door_). "Oh, Mr.
Bulkley--please--Mr. Bulkley--do get up--and go on the pond--'pa
says--'cause--gran'ma says--we may--if it'll bear you--it'll bear us!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY

_Ada._ "What horrid things _black-beetles_ are, Miss Grimm! The kitchen
is full of them!"

_The Governess._ "I agree with you, Ada! But as they are not _beetles_,
and not _black_, perhaps you will call them _cock-roaches_ for the
future!"

_Ada._ "Certainly, Miss Grimm; although they are not _roaches_, and not
_cocks_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A CONSCIENTIOUS CHILD.--"Is your cold better this morning, darling?"

"I don't know. I forgot to ask nursey!"

       *       *       *       *       *

_Tommy._ I can strike a match on _my_ trousers, like Uncle Bob. Can
_you_, auntie?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mother._ "You must put your dolls away to-day. It's
Sunday."

_Little Girl._ "Oh, but, mother, that's all right. We're playing at
Sunday school!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

CONFUSED ASSOCIATIONS.--"And where did these Druids live, Tommy?"

"They lived in groves of oak."

"And in what particular ceremony were they engaged once a year?"

"Er--let me see--Oh! in kissing under the mistletoe!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Grandmamma._ "And how did it happen, dear?"

_Master Tom._ "It didn't happen. Ma did it on purpose!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_To cure a smoky chimney._) Get out on to the
roof of the house with a good-sized feather bolster and
eighteen-pennyworth of putty. Insert the bolster longways into the
chimney, taking care to plaster it all round tightly with the putty. Now
sit on it. The chimney will no longer smoke.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: And it was only yesterday that grandpapa was complaining
to his little grandsons that he never got real winters like he used to
have, with plenty of skating and sliding. (N.B.--Butter-slides are very
effective.)]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE EVIDENCE OF THE SENSES.--_Mamma._ How _dare_ you slap your sister,
George?

_George._ She kicked me when my back was turned, and hurted me very
much, I can tell you!

_Mamma._ Where did she hurt you?

_George._ Well, I can't azactly say _where_, because--because my back
was turned, and I was looking another way!

       *       *       *       *       *

PURSUIT OF KNOWLEDGE.--_Son and heir_ (_whose inquiring turn of mind is
occasionally a nuisance_). Say, 'pa, what's a v'cab'lary?

_Father._ A vocabulary, my boy--what d'you want to know that for?

_Son._ 'Cause I heard 'ma say she'd no idea what a tremenjous v'cab'lary
you'd got, till you missed the train on Saturday!

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE SUNDAY SCHOOL--_Teacher._ Now, Mary Brown, you understand what is
meant by baptism?

_Mary Brown._ Oh, _I_ know, teacher! It's what Dr. Franklin did on
baby's arm last Toosday!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A LITTLE CHRISTMAS DREAM.--Mr. L. Figuier, in the thesis
which precedes his interesting work on the world before the flood,
condemns the practice of awakening the youthful mind to admiration by
means of fables and fairy tales, and recommends, in lieu thereof, the
study of the natural history of the world in which we live. Fired by
this advice, we have tried the experiment on our eldest, an imaginative
boy of six. We have cut off his "Cinderella" and his "Puss in Boots,"
and introduced him to some of the more peaceful fauna of the preadamite
world, as they appear restored in Mr. Figuier's book. The poor boy has
not had a decent night's rest ever since!]

       *       *       *       *       *

YOUNG, BUT PRACTICAL.--"What! Harry! not in bed yet, and it's nine
o'clock! What will _papa_ say when he comes home?"

"Oh, papa! _He'll_ say, 'Supper! supper! What's for supper?'"

       *       *       *       *       *

A REALIST IN FICTION.--"I saw a rabbit run through that hedge!"

"No, dear. It was imagination!"

"Are 'maginations white behind?"

       *       *       *       *       *

IMPROVING THE SHINING HOUR.--_The new Governess._ What are the
comparative and superlative of _bad_, Berty?

_Berty_ (_the Doctor's son_). Bad--worse--dead.

       *       *       *       *       *

A CAPITAL CHOICE.--_Cousin Amy._ So you haven't made up your mind yet
what _profession_ you're going to be when you grow up, Bobby.

_Bobby._ Well, yes! I don't exactly know what it's called, you know, but
it's living in the country, and keeping lots of horses and dogs, and all
that!

[_Bobby's papa is a curate, with L200 a year._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: EARLY INGENUITY.

"Whatever _are_ you children doing?"

"Oh, we've found pa's false teeth, and we're trying to fit them on to
the baby, 'cos he hasn't got any!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SICK CHILD

BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS

  A weakness seizes on my mind--I would more pudding take;
  But all in vain--I feel--I feel--my little head will ache.
  Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am,
  And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam.
  I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore
  That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more,
  Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me,
  In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea.
  It may be so--I cannot tell--I yet may do without;
  They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about.
  I long to cut that potted beef--to taste that apple-pie;
  I long--I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try.
  I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much;
  Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch!
  Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear.
  My brain swims round--I feel it all--mother, your child is queer!

       *       *       *       *       *

_Alix_ (_aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with
loyal sentiments_). And was the Queen weally named after me?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A Toothsome Morsel.--

_Distracted Nurse._ "Gracious, children, what _are_ you doing?"

_Children._ "Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the
flies off him!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that
fowl's leg for?"

"'Tain't our fowl, muvver!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Snooks_ (_who fancies himself very much_). "What's she
crying for?"

_Arabella._ "It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she saw _you_
she thought it was a _man_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BLASE

_Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). "'Once upon a time there was a
frog----'"

_Mabel_ (_interrupting_). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

PHYSICS.--"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you
know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?"

"O, yes, mamma!"

"Well, now, what causes heat without light?"

"Pickles!"

       *       *       *       *       *

_Mother._ Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled?

_Dorothy_ (_after weighing the question_). Which is the most, mother?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATION

_Small Boy._ "Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop
ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells '_'all_' with a _haitch_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "GETTING ON."

"Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?"

"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I
can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want
to do it without the wall at all!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: LAYING DOWN THE LAW.--

_Lady_ (_entertaining friend's little girl_). "Do you take sugar,
darling?"

_The Darling._ "Yes, please."

_Lady._ "How many lumps?"

_The Darling._ "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with
cake."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Tommy._ "I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see
you every day while you are ill."]

       *       *       *       *       *

"A SOFT ANSWER," &c.--_Mamma_. You are very naughty children, and I am
extremely dis-satisfied with you all!

_Tommy._ That _is_ a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with
_you_, you know!

       *       *       *       *       *

COMPREHENSIVE.--_Preceptor._ Now, can any of you tell me anything
remarkable in the life of Moses?

_Boy._ Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at
once!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A BARGAIN.

"I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this
'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in, _I'll go quiet_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LITTLE MISS LOGIC.--_Little Dot_ (_to Eminent Professor of Chemistry_).
Are you a chemist?

_Eminent Professor._ Yes, my dear.

_L. D._ Have you got a shop with lovely large,  bottles in the
window?

_E. P._ No, my dear; I don't keep a shop.

_L. D._ Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough
Jujubes?

_E. P._ No, my dear, I certainly do not.

_L. D._ (_decidedly_). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more.
You can't be a respectable chemist.

_E. P._ Why not, my dear?

_L. D._ 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all _respectable_ chemists."

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE SCHOOL TREAT.--_Lady Helper_ (_to Small Boy_). Will you have some
more bread-and-butter?

_Small Boy._ No fear, when there's <DW6> about.

_Lady Helper_ (_trying to be kind_). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum
or seed?

_Small Boy._ Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A QUESTION OF HEREDITY

_Hal._ "Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?"

_Martha._ "Oh no, it's only a little cracked."

_Hal._ "Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little
mad?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY.--"Oh, _look_, mummie! Now it's left off
raining, he's come out of his kennel!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SENSIBLE CHILD.--"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your
stocking for Santa Claus to fill?"

"No. I hanged up muvver's!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

HAD HIM THERE.--_Uncle Jim._ Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I
need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "_the half is
greater than the whole_!"

_Tommy._ Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a
whole one.

       *       *       *       *       *

AN EYE TO THE MAIN CHANCE.--_The Major._ You're a very nice fellow,
Tommy! Don't most people tell you so?

_Tommy._ Yes, they does. And they often gives me something!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION

_Kind-hearted Old Gent._ "There, there, don't cry! What's your name and
where do you live!"

_Chorus._ "Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins."]

       *       *       *       *       *

"SANCTA SIMPLICITAS."--"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have _smiled_ so
often at me in church?"

"No, dear. Where was he sitting?"

"Behind me."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Philanthropic Old Lady_ (_to little boy caressing dog_).
"That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals."

_Little Boy._ "Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's
I've got him quiet."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Poor likkle doggie--hasn't got any fevvers on!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Master Tom._ "Wish I could catch a cold just before
Christmas."

_Effie._ "Why?"

_Master Tom._ "Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I?
_Just!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "_Please_, auntie, _may_ I have the fairy off the
Christmas tree--_if I don't ask you for it_?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Shocked Mother._ "Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?"
_Tommy_ (_who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary
course at the village school_). "Fighting with Billy Brown."

_Mother._ "That horrid boy at the farm? Don't you _ever_ quarrel with
him again!"

_Tommy._ "I ain't likely to. He can _lick_ me!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY

"May I _leave_ this piece of bread, nurse?"

"Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come
when you'll _want_ a piece of bread!"

"Then I'd better _keep_ this piece of bread till I _do_ want it, nurse.
Hadn't I?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BLUE FEVER.--_Visitor_ (_after a long discourse on the
virtues of temperance_). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the
blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good----"

_Billie Groggins._ "Please, sir, I'm _Hoxford_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles."]

       *       *       *       *       *

A DISCUSSION ON DIET.--_Little Chris_ (_to little Kate_.) Does your
governess get ill on mince pies?

_Little Kate._ I don't know! Why?

_Little Chris._ 'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat
any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So she _must_ have been
so herself.

[_Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in
question._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: WHAT IS IT?

_First Boy_ (_loq._). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!--I seen it move!"

_Second Do._ "I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!--I can see 'is
ears!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Dolly._ "Auntie, that's what I've done for the
cow-drawing competition at school."

_Auntie._ "But it is more like a horse than a cow."

_Dolly._ "It _is_ a horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THE GENTLE CRAFT"

_Preceptor_ (_after a lecture_). "Now, what are the principal things
that are obtained from the earth?"

_Pupil_ (_and "disciple of Izaak Walton"_). "Worms, sir!"

[_Loses fifty marks!_]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A CONFESSION.--_Day Governess._ "How is it your French
exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?"

_Tommy_ (_after considering awhile_). "I don't think auntie knows
Latin."

[_Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?"

"Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RETALIATION

"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten
you?"

"No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF LENT

"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up
something you were fond of?--_sugar_, for instance,--as I suggested?"

"Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactly _sugar_, you know! It was
_soap_ we agreed to give up!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION

_Ethel_ (_to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new
governess_). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!"

_Jack._ "Bosh! who cares! This ain't a _real_ corner, you know!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A CANDID INQUIRER

"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?"

"No, sir, I think not--except water!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Eva._ "Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o'
Scots."

_Tom._ "So am I then, Eva."

_Eva._ "Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Is it a _board school_ you go to, my dear?"

_Child._ "No, sir. I believe it be a _brick_ one!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Kitty._ "Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?"

_Mr. Pup._ "Wound! What wound?"

_Kitty._ "Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Little Boy._ "How many steps can you jump, grandma? I
can jump _four_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: INDUCTION

"Is this the _new_ baby, daddy?"--"Yes, dear."

"Why, he's got no teeth!"--"No, dear."

"And he's got no hair!"--"No, dear."

"Oh, daddy, it _must_ be an _old_ baby!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "It's an ill wind blows nobody good."]

       *       *       *       *       *

_Horrified little girl_ (_seeing her mamma in evening dress for the
first time_). Oh, mummy, you're _never_ going down like that! You've
forgotten to put on your top part!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ENGLISH HISTORY.--"And who was the king who had so many wives?"

"Bluebeard!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HER FIRST WASP

_Poor Effie (who has been stung)._ "First it walked about all over my
hand, and it _was_ so nice! But oh!--_when it sat down_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: VERY NATURAL.--"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to
me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax
vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!"

"O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TRUE DISTINCTION.--

_Mamma (improving the occasion)._ "I like your new suit immensely,
Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the
gentleman!"

_Gerald._ "No, mamma! I know it's the _hat_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

_Little Montague._ "I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!"

_Father._ "Were you? And what was he like, eh?"

_Little Montague._ "Oh, I couldn't see him--it was dark, you know. But
when he bumped himself on the washstand he said----"

_Father (hastily)._ "There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A RARA AVIS.--_Little Girl (finishing her description of
the Battle of Cressy)._ "And ever since then the Prince of Wales has
been born with feathers!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A HEAD FOR BUSINESS.--

_Mamma._ "I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but
in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so----"

_Bobby._ "Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give
it me to-morrow?"

_Mamma._ "Give you what, dear?"

_Bobby._ "The threepenny bit you _meant_ to give me to-day!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD

"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as
well as nurse?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BEFORE THE HEAD

_Fourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist)._
"Please, sir, may I--may I--have gas?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.--"Mamma, _isn't_ it very wicked to do behind
one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?"

"Certainly, Effie!"

"Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "BY AUTHORITY."--_Street Boy (sternly)._ "P'lice-Serge'nt
says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (_more
meekly_) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Old Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from
one of his tenants)._ "And how does your mother make all these beautiful
patterns on the pats, my dear?"

_Messenger._ "_Wiv our comb, sir!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION

"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I
hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very
expensive!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Lady._ "Have you lost yourself, little boy?"

_Little Boy._ "No--boo-hoo--I've found a street I don't know!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "ENFANT TERRIBLE"

"I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor. _Please_ drink it!"

"Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?"

"Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you----!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION

"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's
'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "WELL OUT OF IT"

_Uncle._ "And you love your enemies, Ethel?"

_Ethel (promptly)._ "Yeth, uncle."

_Uncle._ "And who are your enemies, dear?"

_Ethel (in an awful whisper)._ "The dev----"

[_The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the
subject._]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OUR CHILDREN

_Nurse._ "You dreadful children! Where _have_ you been?"

_Young Hopeful._ "Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear
little ducks, but they _will_ come to the top!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Auntie._ "Do you know you are playing with two very
naughty little boys, Johnny?"

_Johnny._ "Yes."

_Auntie._ "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little
boys?"

_Johnny._ "Because their mothers won't let them!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK

_Gwendoline._ "Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession,
and I think he's quite right!"

_Mamma._ "Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?"

_Gwendoline._ "I mean to be a professional beauty!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET.--_Master George (whispers)._ "I say!
Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you '_a lovely spoonful of
delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice_'?" _Miss Kitty._ "Ess
Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!" _Master George._ "THEN DON'T
TAKE IT!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: EVIL COMMUNICATIONS &c.--_Elder of Twins._ "It's _very_
vulgar to say 'you be _blowed_' to each other, like those men do. Isn't
it, Uncle Fred?"

_Uncle Fred._ "I believe it _is_ generally considered so, my dear!"

_Elder of Twins._ "Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know, _we_ always say,
'you be _blown_!'"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MENS CONSCIA.--_Inspector_ (_who notices a backwardness
in history_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer._)

_Inspector_ (_more urgently_). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (_No answer_.)

_Inspector_ (_angrily_). "Who signed Magna Charta?"

_Scapegrace_ (_thinking matters are beginning to look serious_).
"Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "TROP DE ZELE!"--(_Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been
told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a
nap._) (_Tommy in the middle of the nap_). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I
do? _I want to cough!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: TENDER CONSIDERATION

"Oh, _don't_ make faces at him, Effie! It might _frighten_ him, you
know!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "BY PROXY".

_Humorous Little Boy._ "Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but
one, four times, sir?"

_Old Gent_ (_gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children_).
"Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (_Effusively._) "Certainly,
that I will!"

[_In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the
third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor----Tableau!_]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NEWS FROM HOME.--_Aunt Mary._ "I've just had a letter
from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be
a nice companion for you some day!"

_Geoffrey._ "Oh!----does mummy know?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: UTILE CUM DULCI

_Arry._ "Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?"

_Piscator_ (_the Doctor's Boy_). "No, I _ain't_ a comin' along with you,
I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ZOOLOGY. (_It appears to be coming to that at the Board
Schools._)--_Examiner_ (_to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth
standard_). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in
regard to nesting?"

_Student._ "Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself,
sir!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THEIR FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOO

_Tommy._ "Them ain't donkeys, Billy?"

_Billy._ "Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys
on!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A SPOILT STORY.--_Brown_ (_in the middle of tall shooting
story_). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a
rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching
on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!" _Interested
Little Boy._ "Oh, and which did you shoot first--the lion, or the tiger,
or the d'lemma?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Uncle_ (_about to start for a concert at Marine
Pavilion_). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without
your shoes and stockings?"

_Nora._ "I'm in evening dress, uncle--only it's the other end."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE TERTIUM QUID.--"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I
weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you."

"Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A CLINCHER.--"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know
how to tell it."

"No more do I."

"O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES

"What! _all_ that for grandpa."

"No, darling. It's for you."

"Oh! what a little bit!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BRUSHING PA'S NEW HAT

_Edith._ "Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all
round."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mother._ "But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine
would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd
only break it."

_Jacky._ "Oh, but, mother, I'd _promise_ you I'd never let him even
_touch_ it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON

_Precocious Infant._ "Help yourself, and pass the bottle!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW.--_Maud_ (_with much sympathy in
her voice_). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery
in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians,
poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were
devouring them!"

_Ethel_ (_with still more sympathy_). "Yes, and mamma dear, there was
_one_ poor tiger that _hadn't got_ a christian!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mother_ (_to son, who has been growing rather free of
speech_). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give
you sixpence."

_Tommy._ "All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth
half-a-crown!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BETWEEN THE ACTS

_Governess._ "Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?"

_Marjorie._ "No--I haven't. I'm only _resting_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A WISE CHILD.--_Inspector._ "Suppose I lent your father
L100 in June, and he promised to pay me back L10 on the first of every
month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well
before you answer."

_Pupil._ "L100, sir."

_Inspector._ "You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the
most elementary rules of arithmetic!"

_Pupil._ "Ah, sir, but you don't know father!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.--_Miss Fitzogre._ "Well, good-bye,
Percival, and be a good boy!"

_Percival_ (_a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to
make personal remarks about people in their presence_). "Good-bye, I'll
not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Porter._ "Why is the little girl crying, missie?"

_Little Girl._ "'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late
nor nuffing's come'd out!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NOT UNLIKELY

"Well, well! And was baby frightened of his daddy den!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Dorothy_ (_who has found a broken nest-egg_). "Oh,
mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more
eggs. She's broken the pattern!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: WASTED SYMPATHY

_Kind-hearted Lady._ "Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you
have! Is it a tooth?"

_Poor Child_ (_with difficulty_). "No 'm--it's a sweet!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL

"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry
your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know
it himself yet!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Softly._ "Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon
in my m-m-m-outh."

_Kitty._ "Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: WELL UP IN HER MYTHOLOGY.--_Tommy._ "Madge, what's
'_necessitas_,' masculine or feminine?"

_Madge._ "Why, feminine, of course."

_Tommy._ "Why?"

_Madge._ "Why, she was the mother of invention."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARD

_Mrs. Jinks._ "That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin
like an angel."

_Tommy._ "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: QUESTION AND ANSWER

_Mamma._ "Who was the first man, 'Lina?"

_'Lina._ "I forget."

_Mamma._ "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?"

_'Lina_ (_after a thoughtful pause_). "Madam!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SHEER IGNORANCE

_Benevolent Person._ "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!"

_Boy._ "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings
up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus'll fill 'em with presents!"

"It'll take 'im all 'is time to fill _mine_. I 'aven't got no foots in
'em!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ON HIS DIGNITY.--_Sam._ "Mamma bought me a pair of gloves
yesterday."

_Auntie._ "Really! What are they? Kids?"

_Sam._ "No, they're men's."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Sharp_ (_but vulgar_) _little boy_. "Hallo, missus, wot
are those?"

_Old Woman._ "Twopence."

_Boy._ "What a lie! They're apples."

[_Exit, whistling popular air_.]

       *       *       *       *       *

A DIFFICULT CASE.--_Mamma._ You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I
shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping. _Now_ will you
be good?

_Tommy_ (_with hesitation_). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after,
mammy?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Old Gent._ "Do you know what a lie is, sir?"

_Little Boy._ "Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden
today."

_Boy._ "Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OVERHEARD IN BOND STREET

"Which of 'em would yer 'ave for a muvver, Billy?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: EXPERIENTIA DOCET

"And are _you_ going to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?"

"Of course, darling."

"Then _don't_ let it be _something useful_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mamma._ "You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on
Sunday. You must go into the back garden."

_Tommy._ "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A PROTEST

"And pray, am I _never_ to be naughty, Miss Grimm?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A NEW TEST

_Aunt_ (_in alarm_). "_Surely_ you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?"

_Tommy_ (_in doubt_). "F-f-f-feel me!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Bilious Old Uncle._ "I'm delighted to see this fall; it
will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of
mischief."]

       *       *       *       *       *

SUNDAY SCHOOLING.--_Teacher._ What does one mean by "Heaping coals of
fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins?

_Harry Hawkins._ Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher!

       *       *       *       *       *

_Auntie._ Do you love the chickens, dear?

_Dolly._ Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny
laugh!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.]

       *       *       *       *       *

CHRONOLOGY.--_Old Gentleman_ ("_putting a few questions_"). Now,
boys--ah--can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he
took the forbidden fruit?

_Small Scholar_ ("_like a shot_"). Please, sir, th'worn't no
commandments then, sir!

[_Questioner sits corrected._]

       *       *       *       *       *

AT A CHILDREN'S PARTY

DURING TEA

Yes, _isn't_ it a pretty sight.... Oh, they're _much_ too busy to talk
at present.... Well, if you _would_ take this cup of tea to my little
girl, dear Mr. Muffett, it would be so----Yes, in the white frock....
_Pray_ don't apologise--some tea upsets _so_ easily, doesn't it?... Oh!
I don't suppose it will show, really, and if it _does_.... Please, will
everybody keep quite quiet for a minute or two; I haven't said my
grace.... Don't you think it's unfair of nurse? She's handed me
bread-and-butter twice running!... I mustn't eat sponge-cake, thank you.
Bath buns are better for me than anything.... I was _so_ ill after
Christmas. They took my temperament with the barometer, and it was two
hundred and six!... Oh! that's nothing. When _I_ was ill, the doctor
said mine was perfectly Norman!... Well, you _might_ lower that
candleshade a _very_ little, perhaps, Mr. Muffett.... Ah! don't blow
it out.... Throw it into the fire, quick!... It doesn't matter in the
_least_. No; I wouldn't trouble about the _other_ shades, thanks....
Mother, will you read me the text out of my cracker?... But if you're
going to be a soldier, you oughtn't to shut your eyes when you pull a
cracker.... Oh! when I'm a soldier, I needn't _go_ to parties.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: WELL BROUGHT UP.--"Now then, my little men, didn't you
see that board on that tree?"

"Yes."

"Well, then, can't you read?"

"Yes, but we never look at anything marked 'private.'"]

       *       *       *       *       *

DURING A PERFORMANCE OF PUNCH AND JUDY

_A Thoughtful Child._ What a dreadful thing it would be to have a papa
like Punch!

_A Puzzled Child._ Mother, why is the man at the side so _polite_ to
Punch? He calls him "Sir"--is Punch _really_ a gentleman?

_A Good Little Girl._ I do wish they would leave all the fighting out;
it must set such a bad example to children.

_An Appreciative Boy._ Oh! I say, _did_ you hear what the clown said
then? He said something had frightened all the hair off his head except
that little tuft at the top, and it turned _that_ sky-blue!

[_He goes into fits of laughter._

_A Matter-of-fact Boy._ Yes, I heard--but I don't believe it _could_.

_The Child of the House._ I _am_ so glad Tip is shut up downstairs,
because I'm afraid, if he'd been up here and seen Toby act, he'd have
wanted to run away and go on the stage himself, and I don't think he's
the sort of dog who would ever be a _success_, you know!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE JOYS OF ANTICIPATION.--"When are you coming out with
me, mummy?"

"Not this morning, darling. I've too much to do!"

"Oh, but you _must_, mummy. I've already put it in my new diary that you
_did_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

DURING THE DANCING

_Jack._ I say, Mabel, you've got to dance the "Washington Post" with
_me_.

_Mabel._ I can't. I've promised Teddy Thistledown.

_Jack._ Oh! _that's_ all right. I swapped with him for a Nicaragua
stamp.

_Mabel_ (_touched_). But aren't they rare? Didn't you want it yourself?

_Jack._ Oh! I don't collect, you know.

_George_ (_to Ethel_). They've given us the whole of "Ivanhoe" to mug up
for a holiday task. Isn't it a beastly shame?

_Ethel._ But don't you like Scott?

_George._ Oh! I don't mind _Scott_ so much. It's having to grind in
the holidays that _I_ bar.

_Hester_ (_to Roland_). Shall you go to the pantomime this year?

_Roland._ I don't think so. I'm going to lectures at the Royal
Institution instead.

_Hester._ That isn't as jolly as the pantomime, is it?

_Roland_ (_impartially_). Not while it's going on, but a lot jollier
after it's over.

_Mr. Poffley_ (_a middle-aged bachelor, who "likes to make himself
useful at parties," and is good-naturedly waltzing with little Miss
Chillington_). Have you--er--been to many parties?

_Miss Chillington_ (_a child of the world_). About the usual amount.
There's generally a good deal going on just now, isn't there?

_Mr. Poffley._ A--I suppose so. I go out so little now that I've almost
forgotten _how_ to dance.

_Miss Chillington._ Then you _did_ know once!

_Mr. Poffley_ (_completely demoralised_). I--er--you would rather stop?

_Miss Chillington._ Oh! I don't mind going on, if it amuses you.

[_Mr. Poffley feels that "children are not so grateful as they used
to be for being noticed," and that it is almost time he gave up
going to juvenile parties._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: RES ANT-IQUAE.--"Auntie dear, where do these fossil shells
come from?"

"Oh, my dear child, a great many years ago they were washed up here by
the sea."

"How long ago, auntie dear?"

"Ever so long ago, dear child."

"What! Even before _you_ were born, auntie?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: EXTREME MEASURES

_Mother._ "If I catch you chasing those hens again, I'll wash your face
_every day next week_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

AFTER SUPPER

_The Hostess_ (_returning to the drawing-room to find the centre of the
floor occupied by a struggling heap of small boys, surrounded by
admiring but mystified sisters_). Oh! dear me, what _are_ they doing?
I'm so afraid my two boys are being too rough, Mrs. Hornblower.

_Mrs. Hornblower_ (_one of a row of complacent matrons_). Oh! not at
all, dear Mrs. Honeybun, they're having _such_ fun. Your Edwin and
Arthur are only trying how many boys they can pile on the top of my
Tommy.

_Mrs. Honeybun._ Is that Tommy underneath? Are you sure he's not getting
hurt?

_Mrs. Horn._ Oh! he thoroughly enjoys a romp. He's made himself
perfectly hoarse with laughing. Just listen to him!

_Mrs. Honey._ What a sturdy little fellow he is! And always in such high
spirits!

_Mrs. Horn_ (_confidentially_). He hasn't seemed quite the thing for the
last day or two, and I was doubting whether it wouldn't be better to
keep him at home to-night, but he begged so hard that I really had to
give way.

_Mrs. Honey._ So glad you did! It doesn't seem to have done him any
harm.

_Mrs. Horn._ Quite the contrary. And indeed, he couldn't help being the
better for it; you understand so thoroughly how to make children happy,
dear Mrs. Honeybun.

_Mrs. Honey._ It's delightful of you to say so; I try my best, but one
can't always----Last year we had a conjurer, and it was only when he'd
begun that we found out he was helplessly intoxicated.

_Mrs. Horn._ How disagreeable for you! But this time everything has been
quite perfect!

_Mrs. Honey._ Well, I really think there has been no----Good gracious!
I'm _sure_ somebody is being suffocated! _Did_ you hear that?

[_From the core of the heap proceeds a sound at which every mother's
heart quakes--a smothered cough ending in a long-drawn and ominous
"oo-ook."_

_Mrs. Horn._ Depend upon it, that's whooping-cough! Tommy, come here
this minute. (_Tommy emerges, crimson and crowing lustily; the mothers
collect their offspring in dismay_). Oh! Tommy, Tommy, don't tell me
it's _you_! It--it can't be _that_, dear Mrs. Honeybun; he's been
nowhere where he could possibly----You naughty boy, you _know_ you are
only pretending. Don't let me hear that horrid noise again.

_Tommy_ (_injured_). But, mummy, _really_ I wasn't----

[_He justifies himself by producing a series of whoops with an
unmistakably genuine ring_.

_Mrs. Horn._ I think it's only a rather severe attack of hiccoughs, dear
Mrs. Honeybun; but still, perhaps--just to be on the safe side--I'd
better----

[_She departs in confusion, the crowd on the stairs dividing like
Red Sea waves as Tommy proclaims his approach._

_Mrs. Honey_ (_after the last guest has gone_). I knew _something_ would
happen! I must say it was _most_ inconsiderate of Mrs. Hornblower to
bring that wretched little Tommy out and break up the party like
this--it's not as if we were really _intimate_! Still, it was ridiculous
of everybody else to hurry off too, as if whooping-cough was anything to
be so mortally afraid of! I wasn't in the _least_ myself, as they might
have seen. But perhaps it _is_ just as well that Edwin and Arthur had it
last winter.

       *       *       *       *       *

READY ANSWER.--_Uncle._ Now, how did the mother of Moses hide him?

_Niece._ With a stick, uncle.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ON THE FACE OF IT

_Pretty Teacher._ "Now, Johnny Wells, can you tell me what is meant by a
miracle?"

_Johnny._ "Yes, teacher. Mother says if you dun't marry new parson,
'twull be a murracle!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE DUET

_Fond Mother_ (_to young hopeful, who has been sent upstairs to a room
by himself as a punishment_). "You can come down now, Jacky."

_Young Hopeful._ "Can't. I'se singing a duet!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: UNCLE'S BANK HOLIDAY

"Oh, uncle, we're so glad we've met you. We want you to take us on the
roundabout, and stay on it till tea-time!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Young Masher_ (_to rival_). "I say, old, chap, I hear
you're an excellent runner. Is that true?"

_Rival_ (_eagerly_). "Rather!"

_Young Masher._ "Well, then, run home!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

_Aunt._ Why, Tommy, I've only just taken a splinter out of your hand,
and now you've let pussy scratch you. How did that happen?

_Tommy_ (_who has been tampering with the cat's whiskers_). Well, I was
only trying to get some of the splinters out of her face!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FINIS]

BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE





End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch with The Children, by Various

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