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MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON

PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the
cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic
draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch", from its
beginning in 1841 to the present day.

MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON

[Illustration]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Fussy Old Lady._ "Now, _don't_ forget, conductor, I
_want the Bank of England_."

_Conductor._ "_All_ right, mum." (_Aside._) "She _don't_ want _much_, do
she, mate?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON.

[Illustration]

AS PICTURED BY

  PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL,
  J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, F. H. TOWNSEND,
  FRED PEGRAM, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, A. S. BOYD, A. WALLIS MILLS,
  STARR WOOD, DUDLEY HARDY, AND MANY OTHER HUMORISTS.

_IN 180 ILLUSTRATIONS_

[Illustration]

PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages, fully illustrated_

  LIFE IN LONDON
  COUNTRY LIFE
  IN THE HIGHLANDS
  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
  IRISH HUMOUR
  COCKNEY HUMOUR
  IN SOCIETY
  AFTER DINNER STORIES
  IN BOHEMIA
  AT THE PLAY
  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
  ON THE CONTINONG
  RAILWAY BOOK
  AT THE SEASIDE
  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
  WITH ROD AND GUN
  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
  BOOK OF SPORTS
  GOLF STORIES
  IN WIG AND GOWN
  ON THE WARPATH
  BOOK OF LOVE
  WITH THE CHILDREN

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SHAKESPEARE ON THE STREETS

(_See "King Henry the Fourth," Act III., Sc. 1._)

_Glendower_ (_to Hotspur_). Cousin of many men, I do not bear these
crossings.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A SKETCH IN REGENT STREET.--Puzzle--On which side are the
shop windows?]

       *       *       *       *       *

ROUND THE TOWN

In the sixty-six years of his existence MR. PUNCH has at one time or
another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high
society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the
theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the
'buses and the cabs; he has amused himself on 'Change; he has gone
shopping; he has lounged in the clubs, been a shrewd watcher and
listener at the Law Courts, dined in the hotels and restaurants, sat in
Parliament, made merry in the servants' hall, loitered along the
pavements with a quick eye and ear for the wit and humour of the
streets, and dropped in casually, a genial and observant visitor, at the
homes and haunts of all sorts and conditions of men and women.

Obviously it is impossible that the fruits of all this adventuring could
be gathered into a single volume; some of them are garnered already in
other volumes of this series, in books that deal particularly with MR.
PUNCH'S representations of what he has seen and heard of Society, of the
Cockney, of the Lawyers, of our Domestics, of Clubmen and Diners-out, of
the Theatres; therefore, in the present volume, we have limited him in
the main to his recollections of the actual civic life in London, to his
diversions on the Stock Exchange and in the Money Market generally, his
pictured and written quips and jests about London's businesses and
business men, with glimpses of what he knows of the variously dazzling
and more or less strenuous life that everywhere environs these.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SUBJECT FOR A DECORATIVE PANEL.--Road "up." Time--in the
height of the season. Place--everywhere.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration]

MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON

THE CITY "ARTICLE."--Money.

       *       *       *       *       *

FROM THE STREETS.--A street conjuror complained the other day that he
couldn't throw the knives and balls about, because he did not feel in
the vein.

"In what vein?" asked a bystander, weakly.

"The juggler vein, of course, stupid!" was the answer.

    [_The bystander retired._

       *       *       *       *       *

A LIGHT EMPLOYMENT.--Cleaning windows.

       *       *       *       *       *

"_The Model Ready Reckoner._"--The man with his last shilling.

       *       *       *       *       *

MONEY-MARKET AND CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Operators for the rise--aeronauts;
likewise anglers.

       *       *       *       *       *

JUST OFF--THE BOURSE.--_Stockbroker_ (_to Client who has been pretty
well loaded with certain scrip_). Well, it just comes to this. Are you
prepared to go the whole hog or none?

_Client_ (_timidly_). I think I'd rather go the none.

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT COLOUR SHOULD PARASITES DRESS IN?--Fawn.

       *       *       *       *       *

HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR ECONOMICAL MANAGERS

_How to Obtain a good Serviceable Light Porter._--Take a pint of stout,
and add a quart of spring water. There you have him.

_How to make Hats last._--Make everything else first.

_How to Prevent Ale from Spoiling._--Drink it.

_How to Avoid being Considered above your Business._--Never live over
your shop.

_How to make your Servants rise._--Send them up to sleep in the attics.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Bus Driver_ (_to charioteer of broken-down motor-car_).
"I've been tellin' yer all the week to taike it 'ome, an' now yer wants
to, yer cawn't!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE STREETS OF LONDON

  The stately streets of London
    Are always "up" in Spring,
  To ordinary minds an ex-
    traordinary thing.
  Then cabs across strange ridges bound,
    Or sink in holes, abused
  With words resembling not, in sound,
    Those Mrs. Hemans used.

  The miry streets of London,
    Dotted with lamps by night;
  What pitfalls where the dazzled eye
    Sees doubly ruddy light!
  For in the season, just in May,
    When many meetings meet,
  The jocund vestry starts away,
    And closes all the street.

  The shut-up streets of London!
    How willingly one jumps
  From where one's cab must stop through pools
    Of mud, in dancing pumps!
  When thus one skips on miry ways
    One's pride is much decreased,
  Like Mrs. Gilpin's, for one's "chaise"
    Is "three doors off" at least.

  The free, fair streets of London
    Long, long, in vestry hall,
  May heads of native thickness rise,
    When April showers fall;
  And green for ever be the men
    Who spend the rates in May,
  By stopping all the traffic then
    In such a jocose way!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Straphanger_ (_in first-class compartment, to
first-class passenger_). "I say, guv'nor, 'ang on to this 'ere strap a
minute, will yer, while I get a light?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE GAS-FITTER'S PARADISE.--Berners Street.

       *       *       *       *       *

CIVIC WIT.--A City friend of ours, who takes considerable interest in
the fattening of his fowls, alleges, as a reason, that he is an advocate
for widening the Poultry.

       *       *       *       *       *

TO AUCTIONEERS.--The regulations regarding sales are not to be found in
any _bye_ laws.

       *       *       *       *       *

POETRY AND FINANCE.--Among all the quotations in all the money market
and City articles who ever met with a line of verse?

       *       *       *       *       *

ANYTHING BUT AN ALDERMAN'S MOTTO.--"Dinner forget."

       *       *       *       *       *

A GENTLEMAN who lives by his wits.--_Mr. Punch._

       *       *       *       *       *

DEFINITION.--The Mansion House--A mayor's nest.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: IN A TRAM-CAR

_Lady_ (_with smelly basket of fish_). "Dessay you'd rather 'ave a
gentleman settin' a-side of you?"

_Gilded Youth_ (_who has been edging away_). "Yes, I would."

_Lady._ "Same'ere!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Inquisitive Guardian._ "By the way, have you any
children?" _Applicant for Relief._ "No." _Guardian._ "But--er--surely I
know a son of yours?" _Applicant._ "Well, I don't suppose you'd call a
_child_ children!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Please, sir, tuppence worth of butter scrapin's, an'
mother says be sure they're all _clean_, 'cause she's expectin'
company."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: UNCONSCIONABLE

_Head of the Firm._ "Want a holiday!? Why, you've just been at home ill
for a month!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE FORCE OF HABIT

_Traveller_ (_suffering from the Heat of Weather, &c._). "Wesh
Bromp'n--shingl'--cold 'th bit o' lemon--loo' sharp--'r else shan't kesh
my train!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE EXILED LONDONER

  I roam beneath a foreign sky,
      That sky is cloudless, warm and clear;
  And everything is glad but I;--
      But ah! my heart is far from here.

  They bid me look on forests green,
      And boundless prairies stretching far;
  But I rejoice not in their sheen,
      And longing turn to Temple Bar.

  They bid me list the torrent's roar,
      In all its foaming, bounding pride;
  But I, I only think the more
      On living torrents in Cheapside!

  They bid me mark the mighty stream,
      Which Mississippi rolls to sea;
  But then I sink in pensive dream,
      And turn my thoughts, dear Thames, to thee!

  They bid me note the mountains high,
      Whose snow-capp'd peaks my prospect end;
  I only heave a secret sigh--
      To Ludgate Hill my wishes tend.

  They taunt me with our denser air,
      And fogs so thick you scarce can see;
  Then, yellow fog, I will declare,
      Though strange to say, I long for thee.

  And everything in this bright clime
      But serves to turn my thoughts to thee!
  Thou, London, of an earlier time,
      Oh! when shall I return to thee?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Customer._ "That dog I bought last week has turned out
very savage. He's already bitten a little girl and a policeman, and----"

_Dealer._ "Lor'! how 'e's changed, mum! He wasn't at all particular what
he ate 'ere!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

PANIC IN THE CITY

TIME--3.30 P.M.

_Excited Stockbroker._--By Jove! it's serious now.

_Other dittos._ Hey? what?

_Excited Stockbroker._ Rothschild's "gone"--

_Clients_ (_new to City, thunderstruck_). _Gone!_ Rothschild!!--but--

_Excited Stockbroker._ Yes. _Gone to Paris._

_Exit._

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT TO EXPECT AT AN HOTEL.--Inn-attention.

       *       *       *       *       *

A QUESTION FOR LLOYD'S.--Are sub-editors underwriters?

       *       *       *       *       *

INCIDENTS OF TAXATION.--Collectors and summonses.

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT A CITY COMPANY DOES.--It may not be generally known that the duty
of the Spectacle-makers is to get up the Lord Mayor's Show. Glasses
round, and then they proceed to business.

       *       *       *       *       *

IMPOSSIBLE PHRASE.--The happy rich, the happy poor, both quite possible.
But, "the happy mean"--oh no--impossible.

       *       *       *       *       *

SONG FOR THE TOWN-TIED SPORTSMAN.--"How happy could I be with
_heather_!"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PROGRESS.--(_Overheard in Kensington._ Time, 9 A.M.).--_Fair
Club Member_ (_lately married, to friend_). "Bye, bye!
Can't stop! Must rush off, or I shall be _scratched for the billiard
handicap_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Policeman_ (_to slightly sober individual, who is
wobbling about in the road amongst the traffic_). "Come, old man, walk
on the pavement."

_Slightly Sober Individual._ "_Pavement!_ Who do you take me for?
_Blondin?_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET]

       *       *       *       *       *

INSCRIPTION TO BE PLACED OVER THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Bear_ and
for-_bear_."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PRICE OF BREAD.--Twists have taken a turn; and cottages have come
down in some places, owing to the falls of bricks, which continue to
give way rapidly. A baker near one of the bridges has not had a roll
over, which is to be accounted for by his having come down in regular
steps to a level with the lower class of consumers. Plaster of Paris is
in some demand, and there have been some mysterious transactions in
sawdust by the baker who liberally deals with the workhouse.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SYMPHONY IN BLACK. The vassal who does soot and service.]

       *       *       *       *       *

OFFICIAL ORDER.--All cabmen plying within hail are to be supplied with
umbrellas by Government.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HE DIDN'T MEAN TO LOSE THAT

"Miffins, the book-keeper, tells me that you have lost the key of the
safe, and he cannot get at the books."

"Yes, sir, one of them. You gave me two, you remember."

"Yes; I had duplicates made in case of accident. And the other?"

"Oh, sir, I took care of that. I was afraid I might lose one of them,
you know."

"And is the other all right?"

"Yes, sir. I put it where there was no danger of it being lost. It is in
the safe, sir!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: IN A NOVEMBER FOG

_Frenchman_ (_just arrived on his first visit to London_). "Ha, ha! my
frien', now I understan' vot you mean ven you say ze sun nevaire set in
your dominion, ma foi! _It does not rise!_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"

_Thirsty Soul_ (_after several gyrations round the letter-box_). "I
sh'like t'know wha'-sh-'e good 'f gen'lem'n-sh turn'n tea-tot'ller 'f
gov'm'nt (_hic_) goes-h an' cut-sh th' shpouts-h o' th' _bumpsh_ off!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LONDONER'S DIARY

(_For August_)

_Monday._--Got up at nine o'clock. Lounged to the park. No one there.
Went to bed at twelve.

_Tuesday._--Got up at ten o'clock. Walked to the House of Commons.
Closed. Went to bed at eleven.

_Wednesday._--Got up at eleven o'clock. Looked in at Prince's. Deserted.
Went to bed at ten.

_Thursday._--Got up at twelve o'clock. Strolled to the club. Shut up for
repairs. Went to bed at nine.

_Friday._--Got up at one o'clock. Stayed at home. Dull. Went to bed at
eight.

_Saturday._--Got up at five a.m. Went out of town at six.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE REVERSE OF THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL.--A school in which very few
members of society are brought up--a charity school.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PAST RECLAIMING

_Brixton Barber._ "Revival seems to be in the hair, sir."

_Customer._ "Not in _mine_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

FOG

  Thou comest in familiar guise,
      When in the morning I awake,
  You irritate my throat and eyes,
      I vow that life's a sad mistake.
  You come to hang about my hair,
      My much-enduring lungs to clog,
  I feel you with me everywhere,
      Our own peculiar London fog.
  You clothe the City in such gloom,
      We scarce can see across the street,
  You seem to penetrate each room,
      And mix with everything I eat.
  I hardly dare to stir about,
      But sit supine as any log;
  You make it torture to go out,
      Our own peculiar London fog.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE END OF TABLE-TURNING.--An inmate of a lunatic asylum, driven mad by
spiritualism, wishes to try to turn the multiplication table.

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--What o'clock is it?

       *       *       *       *       *

PERPETUAL MOTION DISCOVERED.--The _winding_ up of public companies.

       *       *       *       *       *

FLIES IN AMBER.--Yellow cabs.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _'Bus Driver_ (_to Cabby, who is trying to lash his horse
into something like a trot_). "Wot's the matter with 'im, Willum? 'E
don't seem 'isself this mornin'. I believe you've bin an' changed 'is
milk!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A SKETCH FROM LIFE

_Chorus_ (_slow music_). "We're a rare old--fair old--rickety, rackety
crew!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SCENE--_In a 'Bus._

TIME--_During the Hot Spell._

_First City Man._ "D----d hot, isn't---- I--I beg your pardon, madam,
I--I quite forgot there was a lady pres----"

_Stout Party._ "Don't apologise. It's much worse than that!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE CAPITALISTS

(_A Story of Yesterday for To-morrow and To-day_)

"What, Brown, my boy, is that you?" said Smith, heartily.

"The same, and delighted to see you," was the reply.

"Have you heard the news, my dear fellow?" asked Smith.

"You mean about the position of the Bank of England? Why, certainly; all
the City is talking about it."

"Ah, it is absolutely grand! Never was the Old Lady of Threadneedle
Street in such a strong position. Marvellous! my dear friend; absolutely
marvellous!"

"Quite so. Never were we--as a people--so rich!"

"Yes, prosperity seems to be coming back by leaps and bounds."

"You never said anything so true," observed Smith.

"Right you are," cried Brown.

And then the two friends shook hands once more with increased
cordiality, and passed on. They walked in different directions a few
steps, and both stopped. They turned round.

"Smith," said Brown, "I have to ask you a trifling favour."

"Brown, it is granted before I know its purport."

"Well, the truth is, I am penniless--lend me half-a-crown."

Smith paused for a moment.

"You surely do not wish to refuse me?" asked Brown in a tone of pained
surprise.

"I do not, Smith," replied his friend, with fervour. "Indeed, I do not!"

"Then produce the two-and-sixpence."

"I would, my dear fellow, if in the wide world I could raise it!"

And then the ancient comrades shook hands once again, and parted in
sorrow, but not in anger. They felt that after all they were only in the
fashion.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY

"'Ow are yer gettin' on, Bill?"

"Ain't gettin' on at all. I'm beginnin' to think as the publick doesn't
know what they wants!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

TOO COMMON A THING.--A member of a limited liability company in a bad
way, said he should turn itinerant preacher. He was asked why? He said
he had had a call.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Country Cousin._ "Do you stop at the Cecil?"

_'Bus Driver._ "_Do_ I stop at the Cecil!--_on twenty-eight bob a
week_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FRIGHTFUL LEVITY.--_Bus-Driver._ "Hullo, gov'nour; got
any room?" _Policeman, Driving Van_ (_with great want of self-respect_).
"Just room for one; saved a place a purpose for you, sir." _Bus-Driver._
"What's yer fare?" _Policeman._ "Bread and water; same as you had
afore!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A MISUNDERSTANDING.--_Old Gent._ (_evidently from the
Shires_). "Hi! hoy! stop!" _Conductor._ "'Old 'ard Bill!" (_To Old
Gent._) "Where are yer for, sir?" _Old Gent._ (_panting in pursuit_).
"Here!--let's have a--box o' them--_safety matches_!"

    [_Objurgations!_

]

       *       *       *       *       *

ON THE SPECULATIVE BUILDER

  He's the readiest customer living,
    While you're lending, or spending or giving;
  But when you'd make profit, or get back your own,
    He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known.

       *       *       *       *       *

FAVOURITE SONG ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE.--"_Oh! what a difference in the
morning!_"

       *       *       *       *       *

THE REAL "BITTER" CRY OF LONDON.--The demand for Bass and Allsopp.

       *       *       *       *       *

CABBY calls the new auto-cars his motormentors.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THOROUGH!--_Hairdresser_ (_to perspiring Customer during
the late hot weather_). "'Hair cut, sir?"

_Stout Party_ (_falling into the chair, exhausted_). "Ye----"

_Hairdresser._ "Much off, sir?"

_Stout Party._ "(_Phew!_) Cut it to the bone!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: DIVERTING THE TRAFFIC!]

THE THING TO THROW LIGHT ON SPIRITUALISTIC SEANCES.--A spirit-lamp.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE RULING PASSION.--A great financial reformer is so devoted to figures
that when he has nothing else to do he casts up his eyes.

       *       *       *       *       *

BUBBLE CONCERNS.--Aerated water companies.

       *       *       *       *       *

NEW LONDON STREET DIRECTORY

_Adam Street._--Antediluvian anecdotes and traditions still linger here.

_Air Street._--Doctors send their patients to this locality for change.

_Aldermanbury._--Visited by numbers of bereaved relatives.

_Amwell Street._--Always healthy.

_Barking Alley._--To be avoided in the dog days.

_Boy Court._--Not far from Child's Place.

_Camomile Street._--See Wormwood Street.

_Coldbath Square._--Very bracing.

_Distaff Lane._--Full of spinsters.

_Farm Street._--Highly sensitive to the fluctuations of the corn market.

_Fashion Street._--Magnificent sight in the height of the season.

_First Street._--Of immense antiquity.

_Friday Street._--Great jealousy felt by all the other days of the
week.

_Garlick Hill._--Make a little _detour_.

_Glasshouse Street._--Heavily insured against hailstorms.

_Godliman Street._--Irreproachable.

_Great Smith Street._--Which of the Smiths is this?

_Grundy Street._--Named after that famous historic character--Mrs.
Grundy.

_Hercules Buildings._--Rich in traditions and stories of the "Labours"
of the Founder.

_Homer Street._--Literally classic ground. The house pointed out in
connection with "the blind old bard" has long since disappeared.

_Idol Lane._--Where are the Missionaries?

_Ivy Lane._--This, and Lillypot Lane, and Woodpecker Lane, and
Wheatsheaf Yard, and White Thorn Street, all sweetly rural. It is
difficult to make a selection.

_Lamb's Conduit Street._--Touching description (by the oldest
inhabitant) of the young lambs coming to drink at the conduit.

_Liquorpond Street._--See Philpot Lane.

_Love Lane._--What sort of love? The "love of the turtle?"

  _Lupus Street._ }
                  } Both dangerous.
  _Maddox Street._}

_Milk Street._--Notice the number of pumps.

_Mincing Lane._--Mincing is now mostly done elsewhere, by machinery.

_Orchard Street._--The last apple was gathered here about the time that
the last coursing match took place in Hare Court.

_Paper Buildings._--Wonderfully substantial! Brief paper extensively
used in these buildings.

  _Paradise Street._ }
                     } Difficult to choose between the two.
  _Peerless Street._ }

  _Poultry._      }
                  } Crowded at Christmas.
  _Pudding Lane._ }

_Quality Court._--Most aristocratic.

_Riches Court._--Not a house to be had for love or money.

_Shepherdess Walk._--Ought to be near Shepherds' Bush.

_Trump Street._--Noted for whist.

_Type Street._--Leaves a most favourable impression.

_World's End Passage._--Finis.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A QUALIFIED GUIDE.--_Befogged Pedestrian._ "Could you
direct me to the river, please?" _Hatless and Dripping Stranger._
"Straight ahead. I've just come from it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE.

Where to sup _al fresco_ in the hottest weather. The "_Whelkome_ Club"]

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE ROUND OF THE RESTAURANTS."--Beef.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SACRIFICE.--_Good Templar._ "Tut--t--t--really, Swizzle,
it's disgraceful to see a man in your position in this state, after the
expense we've incurred and the exertions we've used to put down the
liquor traffic!" _Swizzle._ "Y' may preash as mush as y' like,
gen'l'm'n, bur I can tell y' I've made more persh'nal efforsh to (_hic_)
purrown liquor than any of ye!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A LONDON FOG

  A fog in London daytime like the night is,
      Our fellow-creatures seem like wandering ghosts,
  The dull mephitic cloud will bring bronchitis;
      You cannon into cabs or fall o'er posts.
  The air is full of pestilential vapours,
      Innumerable "blacks" come with the smoke;
  The thief and rough cut unmolested capers,
      In truth a London fog's no sort of joke.

  You rise by candle-light or gaslight, swearing
      There never was a climate made like ours;
  If rashly you go out to take an airing,
      The soot-flakes come in black plutonian show'rs.
  Your carriage wildly runs into another,
      No matter though you go at walking pace;
  You meet your dearest friend, or else your brother
      And never know him, although face to face.

  The hours run on, and night and day commingle,
      Unutterable filth is in the air;
  You're much depressed, e'en in the fire-side ingle,
      The hag dyspepsia seems everywhere.
  Your wild disgust in vain you try to bridle,
      Mad as March hare or hydrophobic dog,
  You feel, in fact, intensely suicidal:
       Such things befall us in a London fog!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MOST LOYAL OF CUP-BEARERS.--A blind man's dog.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NOT QUITE WHAT HE MEANT.

_Joan_ (_on her annual Spring visit to London_). "There, John, I think
that would suit me."

_Darby_ (_grumblingly_). "_That_, Maria? Why, a pretty figure it would
come to!"

_Joan._ "Ah, John dear, you're always so complimentary! I'll go and ask
the price."]

       *       *       *       *       *

STARTING A SYNDICATE

A Serio-Comic Interlude

SCENE--_An Office in the City._ TIME--_After Lunch._

PRESENT--_Members of a proposed Syndicate._

_First Member._ And now, gentlemen, to business. I suppose we may put
down the capital at fifty thousand?

_Second Mem._ Better make it five hundred thousand. Half a million is so
much easier to get.

_Third Mem._ Of course. Who would look at a paltry fifty?

_First Mem._ Perhaps you are right. Five pound shares, eh?

_Fourth Mem._ Better make them sovereigns. Simpler to manipulate.

_First Mem._ I daresay. Then the same solicitors as our last?

_Fifth Mem._ Yes, on the condition that they get a firm to undertake the
underwriting.

_First Mem._ Necessarily. The firm I propose, gentlemen, are men of
business, and quite recognise that nothing purchases nothing.

_Second Mem._ And they could get the secretary with a thousand to
invest.

_First Mem._ Certainly. Our brokers, bankers, and auditors as before.
Eh, gentlemen?

_Fifth Mem._ On the same conditions.

_First Mem._ That is understood. And now the prospectus is getting into
shape. Is there anything else anyone can suggest?

_Fourth Mem._ Oughtn't we to have some object in view?

_First Mem._ Assuredly. Making money.

_Fourth Mem._ Don't be frivolous. But what I mean is, should we not know
for what purpose we are going to expend the half million?

_First Mem._ Oh, you mean the name. Well, that comparatively unimportant
detail we might safely leave until our next pleasant gathering.

    [_Meeting adjourned._

          _Curtain._

       *       *       *       *       *

IN EXTREMIS.--That man is indeed hard up who cannot get credit even for
good intentions.

       *       *       *       *       *

"WALKER!"--How unfair to sneer at the City tradesmen for being above
their business, when so few of them live over their shops!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: An early morning snapshot in the suburbs. Mr. Bumpus
dresses his window.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS

Proposed elevated roadway for perambulators]

       *       *       *       *       *

EXAMINATION FOR A DIRECTORSHIP

(_From "The City Man's Vade Mecum"_)

_Promoter._ Are you a gentleman of blameless reputation?

_Candidate._ Certainly, and I share that reputation with a dozen
generations of ancestors.

_Promoter._ And no doubt you are the soul of honour?

_Candidate._ That is my belief--a belief shared by all my friends and
acquaintances.

_Promoter._ And I think, before taking up finance, you have devoted a
long life to the service of your country?

_Candidate._ That is so. My career has been rewarded by all kinds of
honours.

_Promoter._ And there is no particular reason why you should dabble in
Stock Exchange matters?

_Candidate._ None that I know of--save, perhaps, to serve a friend.

_Promoter._ Now, be very careful. Do you know anything whatever about
the business it is proposed you should superintend?

_Candidate._ Nothing whatever. I know nothing absolutely about business.

_Promoter._ Then I have much pleasure in informing you that you have
been unanimously elected a member of the board of management!

    [_Scene closes in until the public demands further information._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "_Perfeck Lidy_" (_who has just been ejected_). "Well,
_next_ time I goes into a publickouse, I'll go somewhere where I'll be
_respected_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

RIDDLE FOR THE CITY

  Oh! why, my friend, is a joint stock
  Concern like, yet unlike, a clock?
  Because it may be wound up; when,
  Alas! it doesn't go again.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SEAT OF IMPUDENCE.--A cabman's box.

       *       *       *       *       *

SONG OF SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLDERS AWAITING THE ADVENT OF THE DUSTMAN.--"We
_always_ use a big, big D!"

       *       *       *       *       *

A FLOATING CAPITAL JOKE.--When may a man be said to be literally
immersed in business?--When he's giving a swimming lesson.

       *       *       *       *       *

A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A laughing-stock.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Baker._ "I shall want another ha'penny. Bread's gone up
to-day."

_Boy._ "Then give us one of yesterday's."]

       *       *       *       *       *

WHY I AM IN TOWN

Because I have long felt a strong desire to know by personal experiment
what London is like at this season of the year.

Because the house requires some repairs, and I am anxious to be on the
spot to look after the workpeople.

Because the progress of my book on Universal Eccentricity renders it
necessary that I should pay frequent visits to the library of the
British Museum.

Because I have been everywhere, and know every place.

Because the sanitary condition of the only place I at all care to go to
is not altogether satisfactory.

Because my Uncle Anthony is expected home every day from Australia, and
I am unwilling to be absent from town when he arrives.

Because my cousin Selina is going to be married from her stepfather's at
Upper Clapton, and insists on my giving her away to the gentleman with
whom she is about to penetrate into the interior of Africa.

Because I am desirous to avail myself of this opportunity of completing
some statistical tables I am compiling, showing the comparative numbers
of horses, carriages, and pedestrians passing my dining-room windows on
the last Saturday in May and the last Saturday in August respectively.

Because my eldest son is reading with a private tutor for his army
examination, and I feel I am of some use to him in his studies.

Because my Aunt Philippa is detained in town by an attack of gout, and
expects me to call and sit with her three times a day.

Because I am determined to put into execution my long-cherished design
of thoroughly exploring the British Museum, the National Gallery, the
South Kensington Museum, St. Paul's, Westminster Abbey, the public
monuments, and the City churches.

Because it is pecuniarily inconvenient to me to be anywhere else.

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTICE.--The gentleman who, the other day, ran away from home, without
stopping to take his breath, is requested to fetch it as quickly as
possible.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FOGGED.--_Cabman_ (_who thinks he has been passing a line
of linkmen_). "Is this right for Paddington?" _Linkman._ "'Course it is!
First to the right and straight on. 'Aven't I told ye that three times
already? Why, you've been drivin' round this square for the last 'arf
hour!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: VIRTUOUS INDIGNATION.--_Betting Man_ (_to his Partner_).
"Look 'ere, Joe! I 'ear you've been gamblin' on the Stock Exchange! Now,
a man _must_ draw the line _somewhere_; and if that kind of thing goes
on, you and me will 'ave to part company!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MISNOMERS

  You start a company to make it go,
      It fails, and so you drop it;
  It didn't go but yet has gone, and so
      You wind it up to stop it.

  Stocks in your garden you will surely find
      By want of rain are slaughtered;
  Yet many stocks have languished and declined
      Because they have been watered.

  Suppose a company for brewing beer
      Should come to a cessation--
  That is--"dry up" 'tis curious to hear
      It's called "in liquidation."

       *       *       *       *       *

PREHISTORIC LONDON.--Some archaeologists have discovered an analogy
between the druidical worship and a form of semitic idolatry. It has
been surmised that the Old Bailey derives its name from having been the
site of a temple of Baal.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE RULE OF ROME.--An "Inquiring City Clerk," fresh from his Roman
history, writes to ask if "S.P.Q.R." stands for "Small profits, quick
returns."

       *       *       *       *       *

A TEMPERANCE PUBLIC-HOUSE.--A slop-shop.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MELTING MOMENTS

(_Temperature 95 deg. in the Shade._)

_Friend._ "How does this weather suit you, old chap?"

_Bankrupt Proprietor._ "Oh, down to the ground! You see, I'm in
liquidation!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ORIGINAL COOK'S TOURIST.--Policeman X on his beat.

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE GREAT PLAGUE OF LONDON."--A barrel-organ.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LATEST THING OUT.--The night-light.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Johnny_ (_who has to face a bad Monday, to Manager at
Messrs. R-thsch-ld's_). "Ah! I--want to--ah!--see you about an
overdraft." _Manager._ "How much do you require?" _Johnny._ "Ah!--how
much have you got?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _French Lady._ "Picca-di-lee Circus." _Obliging
Conductor._ "All right. One pence." _French Lady_ (_who rather prides
herself on her English pronunciation_). "I anterstond ze Engleeshe
langue." _Obliging Conductor._ "Oh, all right. Keep yer 'air on!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MOST UNPLEASANT MEETING.--Having to meet a bill.

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT intimate connection is there between the lungs of London and the
lights of the metropolis?

       *       *       *       *       *

SAW FOR SLOP TAILORS.--Ill tweeds shrink apace.

       *       *       *       *       *

A TISSUE OF LIES.--A forged bank-note.

       *       *       *       *       *

A NICE INVESTMENT.--Amongst the advertisements of new undertakings we
notice one of "The Universal Disinfector Company." Our broker has
instructions to procure us some shares, if they are in good odour.

       *       *       *       *       *

A TIGHT FIT.--Intoxication.

       *       *       *       *       *

HOW TO SUPPLY ST. PAUL'S WITH BELLS AND CHIMES _Cheap_.--Melt down the
canons.

       *       *       *       *       *

A THOUGHT FROM OUR TUB.--Respect everybody's feelings. If you wish to
have your laundress's address, avoid asking her where she "hangs out."

       *       *       *       *       *

HARD LINES.--Overhead wires.

       *       *       *       *       *

HOTEL FOR BEE-FANCIERS.--The Hum-mums.

       *       *       *       *       *

UNPRECEDENTED TRADE ANNOUNCEMENT.--The pig-market was quiet.

       *       *       *       *       *

MONEY MARKET AND SANITARY INTELLIGENCE.--The unsafest of all deposits is
the deposit of the banks of the Thames.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PLACE TO SPEND ALL FOOLS' DAY.--_Madame Tous-sots'._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Bus-driver._ "All right, ladies! You're quite safe.
They're werry partikler wot they eats!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS

The next sensational literary advertisement; or, things of beauty in our
streets.]

       *       *       *       *       *

SOLEMN JEST.--Where should postmen be buried? In a post-crypt.

       *       *       *       *       *

A BLUNDER-BUS.--One that takes you to Holborn when you want to go to the
Bank.

       *       *       *       *       *

EPITAPH FOR A STOCKBROKER.--"Waiting for a rise."

       *       *       *       *       *

BOARD WAGES.--Directors' fees.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: STOCK EXCHANGE

_Illustrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior_]

[Illustration: Carrying over]

[Illustration: Market firm]

[Illustration: Arranging for a fall]

[Illustration: Market falling]

[Illustration: Preparing for a rise]

[Illustration: Home securities flat]

       *       *       *       *       *

A NEW WAY TO GET A FRESH APPETITE

(_A real bit from life at a City company's dinner_)

_Young Visitor._ Really, sir, you must excuse me. I am compelled to
refuse.

_Old Alderman_ (_with profound astonishment_). What, refuse these
beautiful grouse? It's impossible!

_Young Visitor._ It _is_ impossible, I can assure you, sir. I cannot eat
any more.

_Old Alderman_ (_tenderly_). Come, come. I tell you what now. Just take
my advice, and _try a cold chair_.

       *       *       *       *       *

DESIGN FOR A PAPER-WEIGHT.--The portrait of a gentleman waiting for the
_Times_.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST "FINANCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "uncles."

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE ANGEL COURT KITCHEN.--_Stranger_ (_to Eminent Financier_). Why
did you call that man at the bar "the Microbe"?

_Eminent Financier._ Because he's "in everything."

       *       *       *       *       *

GROUND RENTS.--The effects of an earthquake.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FOLLOWING THE FASHION.--_Baked-Tater Merchant._ "'Ow's
trade! Why fust-rate!! I'm a-goin' to conwert the bis'ness into a
limited liability comp'ny--and retire into private life!!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

SONGS OF THE STREETS

UPON THE KERB

  Upon the kerb a maiden neat--
  Her watchet eyes are passing sweet--
      There stands and waits in dire distress:
      The muddy road is pitiless,
  And 'buses thunder down the street!

  A snowy skirt, all frill and pleat;
  Two tiny, well-shod, dainty feet
      Peep out, beneath her kilted dress,
            Upon the kerb!

  She'll first advance and then retreat,
  Half frightened by a hansom fleet.
      She looks around, I must confess,
      With marvellous coquettishness!--
  Then droops her eyes and looks discreet,
            Upon the kerb!

       *       *       *       *       *

Definition of "THE HAPPY MEAN."--A joyful miser.

       *       *       *       *       *

TO PEOPLE DOWN IN THE WORLD.--Try the new hotels: they will give you a
lift.

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT is the best thing to do in a hurry? Nothing.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Sarah_ (_to Sal_). "Lor! ain't 'e 'andy with 'is feet!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

PUNCH'S COUNTRY COUSIN'S GUIDE

THE METROPOLIS IN THE _MORTE SAISON_

8 A.M.--Rise, as in the country, and stroll round the squares before
breakfast, to see the turn out of cooks and charwomen. Ask your way back
of the first policeman you meet.

9 A.M.--Breakfast. First taste of London milk and butter. Analyse, if
not in a hurry. Any policeman will show you the nearest chemist.

10 A.M.--To Battersea Park to see carpets beaten. Curious atmospheric
effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of the
beaters. Inquire your road of any policeman.

11 A.M.--Take penny steamer up to Westminster Bridge, in time to arrive
at Scotland Yard, and inspect the police as they start on their various
beats. For any information, inquire of the inspector.

12 P.M.--Hansom cab races. These can be viewed at any hour by standing
still at a hundred yards from any cabstand and holding up a shilling.
An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the drivers to the
nearest policeman.

1 P.M.--Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in Hyde Park.
Lunch at the lodge on curds and whey. Ask the whey of the park keeper.

2 P.M.--Visit the exhibitions of painting on the various scaffoldings in
Belgravia. Ask the next policeman if the house painters are Royal
Academicians. Note what he says.

3 P.M.--Look at the shops in Bond Street and Regent Street, and purchase
the dummy goods disposed of at an awful sacrifice.

4 P.M.--See the stickleback fed at the Westminster Aquarium. If nervous
at being alone, ask the policeman in waiting to accompany you over the
building.

5 P.M.--Find a friend still in town to give you five o'clock tea in her
back drawing-room--the front of the house being shut up.

6 P.M.--Back to the park. Imagine the imposing cavalcades in Rotten Row
(now invisible), with the aid of one exercising groom and the two
daughters of a riding-master in full procession.

7 P.M.--Wake up the waiters at the Triclinium Restaurant, and persuade
them to warm up dinner for your benefit.

8 P.M.--Perambulate the Strand, and visit the closed doors of the
various theatres. Ask the nearest policeman for his opinion on London
actors. You will find it as good as a play.

9 P.M.--A Turkish bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre. Towels or
programmes are supplied by the policemen at the doors.

10 P.M.--Converse, before turning in, with the policeman on duty or the
fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting information may
be obtained in this way.

11 P.M.--Supper at the cabmen's shelter, or the coffee stall corner of
Hyde Park. Get a policeman to take you home to bed.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "_Poor_ little thing! Is it
hurt?"

    [_But it was only the week's washing._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AMENITIES OF THE ROAD.--_Robert._ "Now then,
four-wheeler, why couldn't you pull up sooner? Didn't you see me 'old up
my 'and?" _Cabby_ (_suavely_). "Well, constable, I _did_ see a kind of
shadder pass acrorst the sky; but my 'orse 'e shied at your feet!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

_Q._ WHAT is the best sort of cigar to smoke in a hansom?

_A._ A Cab-ana.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.--It must have belonged originally to an omnibus,
for it is continually "taking up" and "putting down" people.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Groom_ (_whose master is fully occupied with
unmanageable pair which has just run into rear of omnibus_). "Well,
anyway, it wasn't the guv'nor's fault."

'_Bus Conductor._ "No--it was _your_ fault, for letting 'im drive!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THE WAY WE BUILD NOW."--_Indignant Houseowner_ (_he had
heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your house_).
"Wh' what's the--what am I!--wha' what do you suppose is the meaning of
this, Mr. Scampling!"

_Local Builder._ "'T' tut, tut! Well, sir, I 'spects
some one's been a-leanin' agin it!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: GETTING HIS ANSWER

_Important Old Gent_ (_from the country, who thinks the lofty bearing of
these London barmaids ought to be "taken down a bit"_). "Glass of ale,
young woman; and look sharp, please!"

_Haughty Blonde_ (_blandly_). "Second-class refreshments lower down,
sir!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MEAT MARKET

Legs were freely walked off, and there was a pressure on ribs owing to
the rush of beggars; but knuckles came down, while calves'-heads were
looking-up steadily. At Smithfield, there was a rush of bulls, but the
transactions were of such a hazardous nature as to appear more like a
toss-up than firm business. Any kind of security was resorted to, and
the bulls having driven a well-known speculator into a corner, he was
glad to get out as he could, though an attempt was made to pin him to
his position.

Pigs went on much at the old rates; and briskness could not be obtained,
though the _coupons_ were freely offered.

The weather having been favourable to slaughtering, calves have not been
brought to the pen--but there is something doing in beef, for the "_Last
of the Barons_" is advertised.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ORIGINAL CAB RADIUS.--A spoke of Phoebus's chariot-wheel.

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR THE L.G.O.C.--_Bus_ in urbe.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY

_Old Gentleman (returning from City festivity)._ "Pleashm'n, where'sh
M'sht'r Brown live?"

_Constable (recognising him)._ "Why, dear me, sir, you are Mr. Brown!"

_Mr. B._ "Aw right! Bu'--where do I live?"!]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Cheap Jack._ "I will make a present of this genooine
gold watch--none of your carrots--to henny lady or gentleman for fifteen
shillings an' sixpence. Why am I doin' this? To hencourage trade, that
is why I am givin' it away for fourteen shillings an' sixpence. Look at
it for yourselves, for fourteen shillings! If yer don't believe it's
gold, _jump on it_?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AT THE DIAMOND JUBILEE.--_First Doubtful Character._ "My
eye, mate, this is a squash!" _Second D. C._ "Squash! Why, s'elp me, if
I ain't 'ad my 'and in this cove's pocket for the larst twenty minits,
an' can't get it out!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

BACK TO TOWN

  Back to town, and it certes is rapture to stand,
  And to hear once again all the roar of the Strand;
  I agree with the bard who said, noisy or stilly,
  By gaslight or daylight, he loved Piccadilly;
  The wanderer's heart with emotion doth swell,
  When he sees the broad pavement of pleasant Pall Mall.

  Some folks like the City; wherever they range,
  Their hearts are still true to the Royal Exchange;
  They've beheld alpine summits rise rank upon rank,
  But the Matterhorn's nothing compared with the Bank;
  And they feel quite rejoiced in the omnibus ride,
  As that hearse for the living rolls up through Cheapside.

  The mind of a man is expanded by travel,
  But give me my house on the Kensington gravel:
  The wine of the Frenchman is good, and his grub,
  But he isn't devoted to soap and the tub;
  Though it may be my prejudice, yet I'll be shot,
  If I don't think one Englishman's worth all the lot!

  With Germans I've no disposition to quarrel,
  Though most of their women resemble a barrel;
  And, as for myself, I could never make out
  The charms of their _schnitzel_ and raw _sauer-kraut_;
  While everyone owns, since the last mighty war,
  Your average Teuton's too bumptious by far.

  I think it's been stated before, that you roam
  To prove to yourself that there's no place like home,
  Though lands that are lovely lie eastward and west,
  Our "tight little island," believe me, 's the best;
  Through Paris, Berlin, and Vienna you've passed,
  To find that there's nothing like London at last!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has
been away for a couple of weeks)._ "Your 'air is very thin be'ind, sir.
Try singeing!"

_Jones (after a pause)._ "Yes, I think I will."

_N. A. (after singeing)._ "Shampoo, sir? Good for the 'air, sir."

_Jones._ "Thank you. Yes."

_N. A._ "Your moustaches curled?"

_Jones._ "Please."

_N. A._ "May I give you a friction?"

_Jones._ "Thank you."

_N. A._ "Will you try some of our----"

_Manager (who has just sighted his man, in stage whisper)._ "You idiot!
_He's_ a subscriber!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

MRS. R. was in an omnibus lately. The streets were so badly paved, she
says, that the osculations were most trying to elderly people, though
the younger ladies did not seem to object to them.

       *       *       *       *       *

MORE COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.--"Suits from 35s. to order. Beware of firms
that copy us."

       *       *       *       *       *

SIGNS OF A SEVERE WINTER IN LONDON.--Early departure of swallows from
Swallow Street.

Poet's Corner covered with rime.

Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange.

Coals raised.

       *       *       *       *       *

CYNIC'S MOTTO FOR KELLY'S DIRECTORY (_by the kind permission of the
Author of "Dead Men whom I have known."_)--Living men whom I don't want
to know.

       *       *       *       *       *

MONEY MARKET--Shares, in Ascension Island Company, going up.

       *       *       *       *       *

CITY INTELLIGENCE.--Should the proposed asylum for decayed bill brokers,
jobbers, and others on 'Change be ultimately built, it will probably be
at Stock-holm.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: CONVENIENT.--_Lodger (who has been dining)._ "D' you have
any 'bjecks'n t' my 'shcaping up into my rooms shec'nd floor? F'got my
la'ch-key!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVICE TO SMOKERS.--Cut Cavendish.

       *       *       *       *       *

FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--A new club, composed entirely of aristocratic
literary ladies, is in course of formation; it is to be called "The Blue
Lights."

       *       *       *       *       *

NURSERY RHYME FOR THE TIME

  Bye baby bunting,
  Daddy's gone a hunting
  On the Stock Exchange, to catch
  Some one who is not his match;
      If he has luck,
      As well as pluck,
  A coach he'll very likely win
  To ride his baby bunting in.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "CASTING ACCOUNTS"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OUR FRENCH VISITORS.--(Scene--_Royal Exchange_). _First
Frenchman (his first time in London)._ "Tiens, Alphonse! Qui est cet
homme-la?" _Second Frenchman (who, having been here once before is
supposed to know all about it)._ "Chut! Plus bas, mon ami." (_Whispers
in reverential tone._) "Ce monsieur-la--c'est le Lor' Maire!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A VERY MUCH OVER-RATED PLACE.--London, under the County Council.

       *       *       *       *       *

A BILL ACCEPTOR.--A dead wall.

       *       *       *       *       *

SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's.

       *       *       *       *       *

LINKS THAT ARE NO SORT OF USE IN ANY FOG.--Shirt-links.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND BEAUTIFYING TREE IN LONDON.--The plane.

       *       *       *       *       *

"COIGNS OF 'VANTAGE."--_L_ _s_. _d_.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: BULL AND BEAR]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE "BREAD OF IDLENESS."--Loafing.

       *       *       *       *       *

POEM ON A PUBLIC-HOUSE

  Of this establishment how can we speak?
  Its cheese is mitey and its ale is weak.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE ARISTOCRAT'S PARADISE.--Quality Court.

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE CONTROLLER OF THE _MINT_."--The greengrocer.

       *       *       *       *       *

SEASONABLE.--What sort of a bath would a resident of Cornhill probably
prefer? A _Cit's_ bath.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TIPPLER'S PARADISE.--Portsoken Ward.

       *       *       *       *       *

MONEY MARKET

[Illustration: Tightness observable at the opening]

[Illustration: A decline at the close]

[Illustration: Railways were dull]

[Illustration: Bullyin' movements]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE STOCKBROKER'S VADE MECUM.--A book of good quotations.

       *       *       *       *       *

EPITAPH ON A LETTER CARRIER.--_Post obit._

       *       *       *       *       *

A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle
of next week.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LORD MAYOR'S RESIDENCE.--The munching house.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A NEW TERROR FOR THE UNPUNCTUAL CLERK

[According to the _Scientific American_ they have commenced making in
Switzerland phonographic clocks and watches, which pronounce the hour
most distinctly.]

]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST SCHOOL OF COOKERY.--The office of a City accountant.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT

_Emily Jane._ "Yes, I'm always a-sayin' to father as 'e oughter retire
from the crossin', but keep at it 'e will, though it ain't just no more
'n the broom as 'olds 'im up!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MONEY MARKET

The scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to
be paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard
of any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no
one got any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in
copper. An influential party created some sensation by coming into the
market late in the afternoon, just before the close of business, with
half-a-crown; but it was found, on inquiry, to be a bad one. It is
expected that if the dearth of money continues another week, buttons
must be resorted to. A party, whose transactions are known to be large,
succeeded in settling his account with the bulls, by means of
postage-stamps; an arrangement of which the bears will probably take
advantage.

A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the
direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper
into the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do
with it, it blew over.

The parties to the Dutch loan are much irritated at being asked to take
their dividends in butter; but, after the insane attempt to get rid of
the Spanish arrears by cigars, which, it is well known, ended in smoke,
we do not think the Dutch project will be proceeded with.

       *       *       *       *       *

"LETTERS OF CREDIT."--I.O.U.

       *       *       *       *       *

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.--Stopping in London in August.

       *       *       *       *       *

RESIDENCE FOR THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER.--"The clearing-house."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A MAN OF LETTERS]

[Illustration: MOST ASSURING.--_Brown (who is nervous about sanitary
matters, and detects something)._ "Hum"--(_sniffs_)--"surely--this
system of yours--these pipes now--do they communicate with your main
drain?" _Hairdresser (with cheery gusto)._ "Direct, sir!"

    [_Tableau._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Gilded Johnny._ "How long will it take your bally cab to
get to Victoria?"

_Cabby._ "Oh, just about the same time as an ordinary keb, sir."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"

_Respectable Man._ "Dear me! I'm sorry to see this, Muggles! I heard
you'd left off drinking!"

_Disreputable Party._ "Sho I 'ave, shir--(_hic_)--jesh 'ish very
minute!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OBVIOUS.--_Stingy Uncle (to impecunious Nephew)._ "Pay as
you go, my boy!--Pay as you go!"

_Nephew (suggestively)._ "But suppose I haven't any money to pay with,
uncle----"

_Uncle._ "Eh?--Well, then, don't go, you know--don't go!"

    [_Exit hastily_.

]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Street Serio (singing)._ "Er--yew will think hov me and
love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SHEWERFIT & C^o.

  ARTISTS IN HAIR
  FACE MASSAGE
  MANICURE
  CHIROPODY
  BLOOM OF CUPID
  FOR THE COMPLEXION

]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: REAL GRATITUDE

_Tramp (to Chappie, who has just given him a shilling)._ "I 'ope as 'ow
some day, sir, _you_ may want a shillin', an' that I'll be able to give
it to yer!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Vendor of Cheap Music._ "'Ere y' are, lidy! _'I'll be
yer Sweet'art.'_ One penny!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

CORRESPONDENCE

If you please, sir, as a young visitor to the metropolis, and well
acquainted with history, I want to ask you--

Who is the Constable of the Tower?

What is his number?

Is he dressed like other constables?

Can he run anyone in, and make them move on if found loitering on
his beat?

Is his beat all round the Tower?

Is he a special? one of the _force de tour_, empowered to use a
_tour de force_? (You see I am well up in French.)

I saw a very amiable-looking policeman cracking nuts in the
vicinity of the Tower. Do you think this was the constable in
question?

Yours,

RUSTY CUSS IN URBE.

    P.S.--Pantheon means a place where all the gods are. I know Greek.
    The Pantheon in Regent Street I find is now a wine merchant's. Is
    England exclusively devoted to Bacchus, and is temperance a heresy?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ON THE NINTH.

_Freddy._ "And do they have a new Lord Mayor every year, mummie?"

_Mother._ "Yes, dear."

_Freddy._ "Then what do they do with the old Lord Mayors when they've
done with 'em?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Clerk._ "Lady been here this morning, sir, complaining
about some goods we sent her." _Employer._ "Who was she?" _Clerk._ "I
quite forgot to ask her name, sir, but she's a little woman--_with a
full-sized tongue_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Little Boldwig_ (_he had been dining with his Company,
and had let himself in with his latchkey--to gigantic stranger he finds
in his hall_). "Come on. I'll fight you!" (_Furiously._) "Put your
shtick down!!"

    [_But his imaginary foe was only the new umbrella-stand_--_a present
    from Mrs. B.!_

]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MAKING THE MOST OF IT]

A SHOCKING THING TO THINK OF!--A galvanic battery.

       *       *       *       *       *

"CASH ADVANCES."--Courting a rich widow.

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR HAIRDRESSERS.--"Cut and comb again."

       *       *       *       *       *

CORRECT MOTTO FOR THE EASY SHAVER.--Nothing like lather.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ADVERTISEMENT INADVERTENCIES

_Perpetrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior_]

[Illustration: "Suitable opening for a pupil"]

[Illustration: "Pushing man to take orders"]

[Illustration: "No reasonable offer refused"]

[Illustration: "Mother's help wanted"]

[Illustration: "A good plate cleaner"]

[Illustration: "Goods carefully removed (in town or country)"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST POSSESSION.--Self-possession.

       *       *       *       *       *

TWO SYNONYMOUS TRADES.--A hairdresser; a locksmith.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR COAL.--Warm weather.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PASSING AMENITIES.--_Growler._ "Hi! Hi! Carn't yer look
out wher' yer a-comin'?" _Omnibus._ "Garn! Shut up, jack-in-the-box!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "I wonder when that A. B. C. girl is going to serve us?
I've called her half-a-dozen times."

"Perhaps she's D. E. F."]

       *       *       *       *       *

TOWN IMPROVEMENT.--There is, we hear, a winter garden to be opened at
Somer's Town.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE DUMMY-MONDE.--Madame Tussaud's wax-work.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SO INVITING!]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Passenger_ (_rising politely_). "Excuse me, mum, but do
you believe in woman's rights?"

_New Woman._ "Most certainly I do."

_Passenger_ (_resuming seat_). "Oh well, then stand up for 'em!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

DESPERATE RESOLVES OF THE LAST MAN LEFT IN TOWN

To visit the National Gallery (for the first time), as an Englishman
should really know something about the art treasures of his native
country.

To spend an hour at the Tower (also for the first time), because there
you will be able to brighten up your historical recollections which have
become rather rusty since you took your B.A. degree just fifteen years
ago.

To enter St. Paul's Cathedral with a view to thinking out a really good
plan of decoration for the benefit of those who read letters addressed
to the editor of the _Times_.

To take a ride in an omnibus from Piccadilly to Brompton to see what the
interior of the vehicle in question is like, and therein to study the
manners and customs of the English middle classes.

To walk in Rotten Row between the hours of twelve (noon) and two (p.m.)
to see how the place looks without any people in it.

To have your photograph taken in your militia uniform, as now there is
no one in town to watch you getting out of a cab in full war paint.

To stroll into Mudie's Library to get all the new novels, because after
reading them you may suddenly find yourself inspired to write a critique
that will make your name (when the article has been accepted and
published) as a most accomplished reviewer.

To read all the newspapers and magazines at the hairdresser's while your
head is being shampooed (for the fourth time), as now is the time for
improving your mind (occupied with so many other things during the
season) with popular current literature.

To walk to your club (closed for repairs, &c.) to see how the workmen
are progressing with the stone scraping of the exterior, as you feel
yourself responsible to hundreds of your fellow-creatures as a member of
the house committee.

To write a long letter to your friend Brown, of the 121st Foot, now in
India with his regiment, to tell him how nothing is going on anywhere,
because you have not written to him since he said "Good-bye" to you at
Southampton.

To go home to bed at nine o'clock, as early hours are good for the
health, and because there is really nothing else to do.

And last, but not least, to leave London for the country by the very
first train to-morrow morning!

       *       *       *       *       *

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IN THE CITY

  Sigh no more dealers, sigh no more,
    Shares were unstable ever,
  They often have been down before,
    At high rates constant never.
      Then sigh not so,
      Soon up they'll go,
    And you'll be blithe and funny,
      Converting all your notes of woe
    Into hey, money, money.

  Write no more letters, write no mo
    On stocks so dull and heavy.
  At times on 'Change 'tis always so,
    When bears a tribute levy.
      Then sigh not so,
      And don't be low,
    In sunshine you'll make honey,
      Converting all your notes of woe,
    Into hey, money, money.

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE DESERTED VILLAGE."--London in September.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE CLOCKMAKER'S PARADISE.--Seven Dials.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: STUDIES IN EVOLUTION.--Alderman Brownjones senior
explains to his son, Alderman Brownjones junior, that there is a
lamentable falling-off since _his_ day, in the breed of
aldermen-sheriffs--not only in style and bearing, but even in
"happetite"!]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Gent_ (_rushing out of club in a terrific hurry_). "I
say, cabby, drive as fast as you can to Waterloo--Leatherhead!"

_Cabby._ "'Ere, I say, not so much of your _leather'ed_, if you please!"

    [_Goes off grumbling._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mrs. Snobson_ (_who is doing a little slumming for the
first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to
commence conversation_). "Town very empty!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

NEW EDITION OF WALKER

  The baker rolls.
  The butcher shambles.
  The banker balances himself well.
  The cook has a mincing gait.
  The livery-stable keeper has a "_musing_ gait."
  The excursionist trips along.
  The fishmonger flounders on.
  The poulterer waddles like a duck.
  The gardener does not allow the grass to grow under his feet.
  The grocer treads gingerly.
  The indiarubber manufacturer has an elastic step.
  The rogue shuffles, and
  The doctor's pace is killing.

       *       *       *       *       *

SHOPKEEPER'S SCIENCE.--Buyology.

       *       *       *       *       *

PEOPLE talk about making a clean sweep. Can they make a sweep clean?

       *       *       *       *       *

BENEATH ONE'S NOTICE.--Advertisements on the pavement.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THE ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR" (_With apologies to Mr.
Kipling_)]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Talkative Old Lady_ (_drinking a glass of milk, to
enthusiastic teetotaler, who is doing ditto_). "Yes, sir, since they're
begun poisoning the beer, we _must_ drink _something_, mustn't we?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Small Boy_ (_who is somewhat cramped for room_). "Are
you still there, Billy? I thought you wos lost."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Irate Old Gentleman._ "Here, I say, your beast of a dog
has bitten a piece out of my leg!" _Dog's Owner._ "Oh, bother! And I
wanted to bring him up a vegetarian!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "'Ad any breakfus' 's mornin'?" "Not a drop!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE

CONCERNING CASH

_Question._ What is cash?

_Answer._ Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.

_Q._ Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?

_A._ Yes, by those who do not possess it.

_Q._ Is it possible to live without cash?

_A._ Certainly--upon credit.

_Q._ Can you tell me what is credit?

_A._ Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to
part with some of it to those who have it not.

_Q._ Can you give me an instance of credit?

_A._ Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a
thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case
of credit.

_Q._ Would it be right to describe such a transaction as "much to his
credit"?

_A._ It would be more precise to say, "much by his credit"; although
the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as
absolutely accurate.

_Q._ What is bimetallism?

_A._ Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur
financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.

_Q._ Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?

_A._ My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining
silver, if you cannot get gold.

_Q._ What is the best way of securing gold?

_A._ The safest way is to borrow it.

_Q._ Can money be obtained in any other way?

_A._ In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other
deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.

_Q._ What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles,
but with smaller risk?

_A._ By promoting companies and other expedients known to the members of
the Stock Exchange.

       *       *       *       *       *

A GOOD FIGURE-HEAD.--An arithmetician's.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN EMPTY EMBRACE.--"'Ere y'are! Humberella rings, two a
penny!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Conductor_ (_on "Elephant and Castle" route_). "Fares,
please!"

_Fare._ "Two elephants!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ONE OF "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT

"Hullo, Gus! What are you waiting about here for?"

"I'm waiting till the banks close. I want to cash a cheque!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

"UNSATISFACTORY COMMERCIAL RELATIONS."--Our "uncles."

       *       *       *       *       *

COUNTRY SHAREHOLDERS.--Ploughmen.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in,
say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools,
&c._

_Man with tools._ "Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?"

_Man on steps._ "No. I'm the howner, 'ere."

_Man with tools._ "'Ow's that?"

_Man on steps._ "Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took
the place in part payment for the job."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE GLORIOUS FIFTH

_Benevolent Lady_ (_fond of the good old customs_). "Here, my boy, is
something for your guy."

_Conscientious Youth._ "We ain't got no guy, mum; this 'ere's
grandfather!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A "YOUNG SHAVER."--A barber's baby.

       *       *       *       *       *

JOINT ACCOUNT.--A butcher's bill.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AFTER "THE SLUMP" IN THE CITY.--_Weak Speculator in South
African market_ (_about to pay the barber who has been shaving him_). "A
shilling! eh? Why, your charge used to be only sixpence." _City Barber._
"Yes, sir; _but you've got such a long face_, we're obliged to increase
the price!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "I don't arst yer fer money. I don't _want_ money. Wot I
wants is bread. _'Ave_ yer got such a thing as a bit o' bread about yer,
me lord?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PROMOTER'S VADE MECUM

(_Subject to Revision after the Vacation_)

_Question._ What is meant by the promotion of a company?

_Answer._ The process of separating capital from its possessor.

_Q._ How is this end accomplished?

_A._ By the preparation and publication of a prospectus.

_Q._ Of what does a prospectus consist?

_A._ A front page and a statement of facts.

_Q._ Define a front page.

_A._ The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the
lath concealing the quagmire--occasionally.

_Q._ Of what is a front page composed?

_A._ Titles, and other suggestions of respectability.

_Q._ How are these suggestions obtained?

_A._ In the customary fashion.

_Q._ Can a banking account be put to any particular service in the
promotion of a company?

_A._ Certainly; it eases the wheels in all directions.

_Q._ Can it obtain the good-will of the Press?

_A._ Only of questionable and usually short-lived periodicals.

_Q._ But the destination of the cash scarcely affects the promoter?

_A._ No; for he loses in any case.

_Q._ How much of his profits does he sometimes have to disgorge?

_A._ According to circumstances, from three-fifths to
nineteen-twentieths of his easily-secured takings.

_Q._ And what does promotion do for the promoter?

_A._ It usually bestows upon him temporary prosperity.

_Q._ Why do you say "temporary"?

_A._ Because a pleasant present is frequently followed by a disastrous
future.

_Q._ You mean, then, that this prosperity is like the companies
promoted, "limited"?

_A._ Yes, by the Court of Bankruptcy.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "ON 'CHANGE"

_Brown._ "Mornin'. Fresh mornin', ain't it?"

_Smith._ "'Course it is. Every morning's a fresh morning! By-bye!"

    [_Brown's temper all day is quite unbearable._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Sympathetic Passer-by._ "But if he's badly hurt, why
doesn't he go to the hospital?" _British Workman._ "Wot! In 'is
dinner-time!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ADVERTISEMENT PERVERSIONS (_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_)

[Illustration: Washing wanted]

[Illustration: Vacancy for one pupil]

[Illustration: Improver wanted in the dressmaking]

[Illustration: Left-off clothing]

[Illustration: Branch establishment]

[Illustration: Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended]

[Illustration: Board and residence]

[Illustration: Unfurnished flat]

[Illustration: Smart youth wanted]

[Illustration: Mangling done on the shortest notice]

       *       *       *       *       *

RIVER STYX.--"The thousand masts of Thames."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MAN WE SHOULD LIKE TO SEND TO A SEANCE.--The man who knows how to
hit the happy medium.

       *       *       *       *       *

APPROPRIATE _LOCALE_ FOR THE DAIRY SHOW.--Chalk Farm.

       *       *       *       *       *

A TIDY DROP.--A glass of spirits, _neat_.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE

_Designed by Mr. Punch's Special Processionist_]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT
TO BE]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "'Nuts for the monkeys, sir? Buy a bag o' nuts for the
monkeys!"

"I'm not going to the Zoo."

"Ah, well, sir, have some to take home to the children!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HYDE PARK, MAY 1

_Country Cousin._ "What is the meaning of this, policeman?"

_Constable._ "Labour day, miss."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Boy_ (_to Cabby with somewhat shadowy horse_). "Look
'ere, guv'nor, you'd better tie a knot in 'is tail afore 'e gets wet, or
'e might slip through 'is collar!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Indignant Cabby._ "Shockin' bad 'orse, 'ave I? And wot's
this hextra tuppence for?--to buy a new 'un with, eh?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

QUIDDITIES.--_For the Old Ladies._ A tea-party without scandal is like a
knife without a handle.

Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds.

Features without grace are like a clock without a face.

A land without the laws is like a cat without her claws.

Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer.

A master without a cane is like a rider without the rein.

Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans.

A man without a wife is like a fork without a knife.

A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning.

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR A SELF-MADE AND SUCCESSFUL MONEY-LENDER.--"A loan I did it!"

       *       *       *       *       *

IMPROPER EXPRESSION.--Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for
joy, "his delight knows no _bounds_."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE opposite to a tea-fight--A coffee-mill.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE TIP-CAT SEASON HAS NOW COMMENCED

_Street Urchin._ "Now then, old 'un----Fore!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Crossing-Sweeper_ (_to Brown, whose greatest pride is
his new brougham, diminutive driver, &c._). "'Igh! Stop! You've lost
somethin'--the coachman!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Irate Bus Driver._ "You wouldn't do that for me, would
yer?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AT THE STORES. BUY--OUR TAPESTRY ARTIST]

       *       *       *       *       *

CATTLE-SHOW WEEK

(_By Dumb-Crambo, Junior_)

[Illustration: Scotch polled]

[Illustration: Best wether]

[Illustration: Class for roots]

[Illustration: Steers]

[Illustration: Best butter]

[Illustration: Cross bred]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LINEN TRADE.--There have been a few transactions in rags at
threepence a pound, and an extensive bone-grubber caused considerable
excitement by bringing a quantity of waste-paper into the market which
turned the scale in his own favour.

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR A MOURNING WAREHOUSE.--Die and let live.

       *       *       *       *       *

OUT OF PLACE.--A vegetarian at the Cattle Show.

       *       *       *       *       *

A FINANCIAL AUTHORITY BADLY WANTED.--The man who can say "bogus" to the
investing goose.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE VEGETABLE MARKET.--Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking
a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new
potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the
settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon
apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses
stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the
proprietors.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE QUARTERLY ACCOUNTS.--_Clerk._ "Sorry to say, sir,
there's a saddle we can't account for. Can't find out who it was sent
to."

_Employer._ "Charge it on all the bills."]

       *       *       *       *       *

A LOVE SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKET

  I will not ask thee to be mine,
    Because I love thee far too well;
  Ah! what I feel, who thus resign
    All hope in life, no words can tell.
  Only the dictate I obey
    Of deep affection's strong excess,
  When, dearest, in despair, I say
    Farewell to thee and happiness.

  Thy face, so tranquil and serene,
    To see bedimmed I could not bear,
  Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean,
    Disfigured with the lines of care,
  I could not brook the day to see
    When thou would'st not, as thou hast now,
  Have all those things surrounding thee
    That light the eye and smooth the brow.

  Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear
    That want would e'er approach our door;
  I know it must to thee appear
    A melancholy dream: no more.
  Wilt thou not be with riches blest?
    Is not my fortune ample too?
  Must I not, therefore, be possessed,
    To feel that dread, of devils blue?

  Alas! my wealth, that should maintain,
    My bride in glory and in joy,
  Is built on a foundation vain,
    Which soon a tempest will destroy.
  Yes, yes, an interest high, I know
    My capital at present bears;
  But in a moment it may go:
    It is invested all in shares.

  The company is doomed to fall,
    Spreading around disaster dire,
  I hear that the directors all
    Are rogues--the greatest rogue thy sire!
  Go--seek a happier, wiser mate,
    Who had the wit to be content
  With the returns of his estate,
    And with Consols at three per cent!

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FEAST OF ALL FOOLS.--More than is good for them.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE "LAP" OF LUXURY.--Genuine milk in London.

       *       *       *       *       *

DISH FOR DIDDLED SHAREHOLDERS.--Bubble and squeak.

       *       *       *       *       *

SCIENCE GOSSIP.--"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is
not a bird called the _ditto ditto_. Is he not thinking of our old
acquaintance, the do-do?

       *       *       *       *       *

HOW TO MAKE MONEY.--Get a situation in the Mint.--_Economist._

       *       *       *       *       *

STRANGE COIN.--Forty _odd_ pounds!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION.--_Paterfamilias (who is just
beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban
residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom._ "'Seaside!' 'Change of
air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious
me! what on earth can you want to be going '_out of town_' for, when
you've got such a garden as _this_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SUGGESTIVE

_Dissipated Ballad Howler._ "Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A CORRECTOR OF THE PRESS.--A policeman at a crowded crossing.

       *       *       *       *       *

NEVER ON ITS LEGS.--The most constant faller in the metropolis: the
Strand, because it is always being picked up.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE MARKETS.--There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party
of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all
the _pockets_ they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn,
and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large
consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the
market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of
roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FORTNIGHTLY REVIEW.--The account day on the Stock Exchange.

       *       *       *       *       *

A REGULAR MAKE-SHIFT.--The sewing machine.

       *       *       *       *       *

CITY INTELLIGENCE.--We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a
dinner is on the _tapis_." The _tapis_ alluded to is, of course,
Gob'lin?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MADAME CHRYSANTHEME

(_With apologies to "Pierre Loti."_)]

       *       *       *       *       *

A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.--_Mrs. Griddleton._ What are those square
things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes?

_Driver._ Blinkers, ma'am.

_Mrs. G._ Why do you put them on, coachman?

_Driver._ To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am.

    [_Inquiry closed._

       *       *       *       *       *

INSCRIPTION FOR STREET LETTER-BOXES.--"From Pillar to Post."

       *       *       *       *       *

HOW THE TRUTH LEAKS OUT!

SCENE--_Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock._

_Friend._ Any news? Anything in the papers?

_Government Clerk._ Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my
boy.

       *       *       *       *       *

WHY should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always
following soot.

       *       *       *       *       *

BUSINESS.--_Inquirer_ (_drawing up prospectus_). Shall I write "Company"
with a big C?

_Honest Broker._ Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents
"Company" with a capital.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "Shave, or hair cut, sir?"

"_Corns_, you fool!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: NOT FOR JOSEPH!]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PROOF POSITIVE

_Old Lady._ "Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"

'_Spectable-looking Man_ (_But_--). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me,
mad'm--for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SINKING FUND.--The Royal Humane Society's income.

       *       *       *       *       *

SHREWD SUGGESTION.--It often happens, when the husband fails to be home
to dinner, that it is one of his _fast_ days.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE SCHOOL OF ADVERSITY.--A ragged school.

       *       *       *       *       *

NEVER WASTE YOUR TIME.--Waste somebody else's.

       *       *       *       *       *

MEN OF _THE_ TIME.--Chronometer makers.

       *       *       *       *       *

A MAN IN ADVANCE OF HIS TIME.--One who has been knocked into the middle
of next week.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE DEAF MAN'S PARADISE.--The Audit Office.

       *       *       *       *       *

SITE FOR A RAGGED SCHOOL.--Tattersall's.

       *       *       *       *       *

STUFF AND NONSENSE.--A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ZOOLOGY

"That's a porkypine, Sarah."

"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FISH MARKET.--Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of
everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon,
and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a
comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the
opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would
gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE BEST POLICY."--That with the largest bonus.

       *       *       *       *       *

FALSE QUANTITY.--Short measure.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS]

       *       *       *       *       *

CONSOLATION STAKES.--Those you get at a City tavern the day after you
have tried to eat the article at home.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A HORRIBLE BUSINESS.--_Master Butcher._ "Did you take old
Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" _Boy._ "Yes, sir." _Master Butcher._
"Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs
until they're quite tender!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to Newsvendor, from whom she has just
purchased the latest war special_). "'Ere's your _paper_! Father says,
if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in
it."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Old Lady_ (_from the country_). "Well, I never! And to
think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

A SPECULATOR'S APOLOGY.--You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.

       *       *       *       *       *

TABLE-TURNING.--Looking for a train in _Bradshaw_.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE

(_To be placed over the principal entrance._)

On a chevron _vert_, a pigeon plucked _proper_, between three rooks
peckant, clawed and beaked _gules_. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant,
winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, _argent_, environed with a
halo of bubbles _or_. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant _sable_,
dented, hoofed and clawed _gules_. Motto: "Let us prey."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A SENSITIVE PLANT.--"What, back in town already, old
chappie?"

"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me
the headache!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

COMMERCIAL NEWS

Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under
a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of
nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn
in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which,
when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his
position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.

Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with
sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.

A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's
Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.

The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the
defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City,
in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have
funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.

Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half
reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day
surprisingly.

       *       *       *       *       *

PERSONS WHO WOULD BENEFIT BY CREMATION.--Charwomen.

       *       *       *       *       *

FORCED POLITENESS.--Bowing to circumstances.

       *       *       *       *       *

A NAME OF ILL OMEN.--Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and
do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid
going down Long Acre.

       *       *       *       *       *

PAWNBROKERS' "DUPLICATES."--Their twins.

       *       *       *       *       *

HAGIOLOGY ON 'CHANGE.--_The Brokers' Patron_--St. Simon Stock.

       *       *       *       *       *

MOTTO FOR A TAILOR WHO MAKES COATS OF THE BEST ENDURING CLOTH.--_Fuimus,
i.e., We Wear._

       *       *       *       *       *

THE LICENSING SYSTEM.--The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid
magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BEST NOTE PAPER.--Bank of England.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR

_Cabby_ (_to Gent who has been dining out_). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is
your 'ouse--get out--be careful, sir--'ere's the step?"

_Gent._ "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my _feet?_"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Employer_ (_who simply_ WON'T _take any excuse for
unpunctuality_). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and
come at the proper time!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Hairdresser._ "Hair begins to get very thin, sir."

_Customer._ "Yes."

_Hairdresser._ "Have you tried our tonic lotion?"

_Customer._ "Yes. That didn't do it though."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!"

"Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HOW THE POOR LIVE

The Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for
himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish.

    [_He'll give them a little notice next time._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _First Workman._ "Wot's it say, Bill, on that old
sun-dial?" _Second Workman_ (_reading deliberately_). "It says,
'Do--to--day's-work--to--day.'" _First W._ "'_Do TWO days' work
to-day!_' Wot O! Not me!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SOCIAL EVOLUTION.--_Tramp_ (_to benevolent but
inquisitive lady_).--"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a
'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the
'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got into _low
water_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Miss Smith._ "We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor."
_The Doctor_ (_very deaf_). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than
we've been having!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FAMILIAR PHRASE EXPLAINED.

_Robinson._ "Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?"

_Smith_ (_who had dined out_). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched
the pillow, it went round and round!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Cab Tout._ "I say, Bill, lend me sixpence."

_Cabby._ "I can't; but I can lend you fourpence."

_Cab Tout._ "All right. Then you'l owe me twopence."]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Barber._ "Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir.
I should recommend our wash."

_Customer._ "May I ask if that invigorating liquid is what _you_ have
been in the habit of using?"

    [_Dead silence._

]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FOGGY WEATHER.--"Has Mr. Smith been here?"

"Yes; he was here about an hour ago."

"Was I with him?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

HIGHLY PROBABLE.--We understand that in consequence of the high price of
meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians.

       *       *       *       *       *

WHAT MILLIONAIRES SMOKE.--Golden returns.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE UNIVERSAL WATCHWORD.--Tick!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration]

BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.





End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Life in London, by Various

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