



Produced by Sankar Viswanathan and the Online Distributed
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                         Transcriber's Note:

           The original spelling and capitalization of the
         original book published in 1732 have been retained.



                                 THE

                                TRICKS

                                  OF

                              THE TOWN:


                                 OR,

                            WAYS and MEANS

                         for getting _MONEY_.


                               WHEREIN

               The various LURES, WILES, and ARTIFICES,
              practised by the Designing and Crafty upon
               the Weak and Unwary, are fully exposed.

              Recommended to the serious Perusal of all
        ADVENTURERS and SHARERS in _Bubble-Undertakings_, the
           PURSUERS of _Pennyworths_, and _Bargain-Buyers_.

              Chiefly collected from some Papers of the
                     Ingenious Mr. JOHN THOMSON,
      scattered between _Laurence-Pountney's-Hill_ and _Dover_.





                              _LONDON_:

                   Printed for J. ROBERTS, near the
           _Oxford-Arms_ in _Warwick-Lane_: And sold by the
           Booksellers of _London_ and _Westminster_. 1732.
                        (Price One Shilling.)

       *       *       *       *       *




THE

TRICKS of the TOWN;

OR

DIAMONDS _cut_ DIAMONDS.


My Son get Money, said a wiser Man than you or I, honest Reader: That
is the Precept; but he went no farther, leaving the Business of
_Committee Men_, _Ways and Means_, &c. to the peculiar Turn of
Thought, or Biass of Invention of every individual _Money-Getter_. Of
all the Methods made use of to attain this great End, I believe it
will be allow'd that he who gains his point the easiest way, is the
wisest Person: For instance, I know there are Mines of _Gold_ and
_Silver_ in _Peru_ and _Mexico_; but when one considers at what a very
inconvenient distance these are, and what Toils and Dangers must be
undergone before an _Ingot_ of either can be pocketed, what is to be
done in the Case? We cannot go to them, and they will not come to us.
In this plunge of Affairs, we resolve to pick it up by _Shillings_,
_Crowns_, _Guineas_, _Moidores_, &c. at home.

That the one half of this great over-grown Metropolis knows but little
how the other is truly supported, is a Maxim, I believe, older than
the Walls themselves; that a considerable number of Persons are daily
employed and kept in constant pay to go about damaging and destroying
all manner of wearing Apparel, when they can find an Opportunity of
doing it without any Inconveniences to themselves, is a Fact that will
admit of no manner of Dispute. I have been inform'd, that if a
_Coachman_ or _Carter_ can decently dash a _Gentleman_ or a _Lady_
that are richly dress'd, when they are walking the Streets, over their
Head and Ears, and make due Proof of the Fact, there is not a _Draper_
or _Mercer_ within half a Mile of the Place where the Exploit was
perform'd, but who will readily tip the Man a Shilling for his
Trouble.

Every body knows, that when a _Foot-Soldier_ was taken in the Court of
_Requests_ at _Westminster_, bedaubing a noble Lord's new Suit of
Clothes upon his Back, with a composition of Powders that in a Week's
time would have render'd them not worth the acceptance of his _Valet
de Chambre_; the _honest Man_, upon a very strict Examination before a
Magistrate, was at last brought, though with great reluctancy, to
confess his receiving a Salary of Thirty Pounds _per Ann._ from
certain _Drapers_, _Taylors_, and _Scowrers_, for those kinds of
Services.

A few Weeks since I happen'd into a very large promiscuous Company of
Gentlemen and Tradesmen, at a Tavern near the _Royal-Exchange_; I had
not been seated amongst them a Quarter of an Hour, before a Waiter
came to top the Candles, and let a Snuff fall upon the Sleeve of my
Coat, which instantly burnt a great hole in the Cloth. All the
Satisfaction I had, was in calling him careless Rascal, and his
begging my pardon. This was soon follow'd by a great Glass of Wine one
of the Company let fall upon the Table, which wetted three or four
Peoples Clothes pretty heartily. By and by a full Flask was overset,
which put half a dozen more of us into the same pickle; so that
nothing was heard for some time, but, _Sir, I am heartily sorry_; _I
beg your pardon_; _Mischances will happen, but I hope it won't stain_;
and the like. We were all up from our Chairs, wiping and cleaning one
another. We were no sooner got into order again, and begun to be
merry, forgetting what was past, but Supper came to be set upon the
Table; when the Cook, in handing a Dish of Fish over our Shoulders,
let fall the Bason, with all the Sauce in it, upon half a score of us.
We now were in a worse Condition than ever, and all got upon our Legs
again in the utmost Confusion and Disorder; and with rumbling and
tumbling about, a huge Pewter Piss-pot, with about half a dozen
Gallons of Urine in it, was thrown down from its Stand. I got a Pocket
full to my share, and there were few of the Company but what had their
Dividends of it. Bless me, says I, sure never such a Series and Train
of Disasters fell out so before. In short, I could stand it no longer,
but paid my Shot, and came away with my Clothes in such a condition,
that I had scarce ever seen the like, and was forc'd to give them away
the next Morning. In a Day or two after, I was thoroughly satisfied
with the real Cause of these _Accidents_, _viz._ that the House in
which I had met with this Mischief, was entirely supported by
_Woollen Drapers_, _Taylors_, and _Button-sellers_; and that we had
got several of 'em that Night in our Company.

Women of Quality and Fashion will perhaps think themselves no ways
liable to any of these Mischances; but I shall convince them, that
howsoever secure they may imagine themselves to be from them by their
Coaches and Chairs, and other Accommodations, they are yet to be come
at by some People they are not well aware of. There are few Women of
any Fashion, that make a tolerable Figure in the _Beau Monde_, but
what have a continual clatter of Manteaumakers, Milliners, and
Sempstresses about their Ears; besides Tire-Women, and Fortune-Tellers
by Coffee-Grounds; together with a Train of Chamber-maids, and old
Housekeepers, who have got married, and are permitted to visit the
Families they once lived in. These, with a Croud of Midwives,
Twelve-penny Lottery-Women, and other _How d'ye do_ People, are for
ever plaguing them with this new Fancy and Pattern, and recommending
such and such Persons to their Custom for Teas, China, and Trumpery.
And while a Story is telling of who's a going to be Married, who is
brought to Bed, or who has Miscarried, down goes the Cup and Saucer,
and the Tea all over her Ladyship's Petticoat; then do they _curse
their unlucky Hands_, and beg _ten thousand Pardons for the
Mischance_; and threaten to go to _India_, but they will match the
Set, so as not to be distinguish'd by the nicest Judgment. The whole
Suit of Clothes, perhaps, becomes the Perquisite of my Lady's Woman,
and the Set of China is not to be match'd in the Kingdom. The Dealers
soon get Intelligence of the Accident, from the _Person_ by whose
Hands it was done; and the Lady is teaz'd almost to death with People
shewing her new _Sets_, new _Patterns_, and what not: and as soon as
she has purchased, the Gossip, by whose dextrous Management the
Traffick was brought about, not only begs and gets the damaged Set of
China for herself, but moreover receives a Moiety out of the
Shopkeeper's Profit who sold the new Set; as well as Poundage from the
Mercer, for what he shall sell the Lady. I knew a Woman of Quality who
was so strangely pester'd with this kind of _Visitants_, that she
could never keep a clean Manteau to her Tail, nor a complete Set of
China to her Tea-Table; and yet continued so incredulous, as not to be
persuaded that there was any _Art_ and _Design_ in the _Disasters_
that so frequently happen'd to her.

How many great Ladies have had their Gown-Tails cut from their
Backsides at Balls and Operas, not so much for the sake of what Profit
could be made of them, as has been apparent, but for the promoting of
Trade and Commerce; and have return'd home in Jackets, like _Dutch_
Burgomasters Wives, to their Families?

The _Methods_ made use of to _Gripe_, _Surfeit_, _Cholick_, and
otherwise disorder the Bodies of Children, as well as _Persons_ of
riper Years, in order to render them due Objects of _Advice_ and
_Physick_, I believe are obvious enough to every ingenious Person who
is conversant with Families, and the Streets of _London_. What Person
is there, of common Humanity amongst us, but must look with the
utmost Grief and Concern upon that intolerable number of
_Wheel-barrows_, _Stands_, and _Benches_, which are so industriously
ranged and disposed thro' all the _Streets_, _Lanes_, and _Alleys_ of
the Town, retailing various Kinds of damaged and unwholesome Fruits to
the Passengers? all which manifestly tend to destroy the Healths of
those who are weak enough to purchase them, and oftentimes are the
Cause of epidemical Diseases.

I hope none of my Readers will be so uncharitable as to suggest that
there is a Combination amongst _Quacks_, _Apothecaries_ or _Druggists_;
for furnishing these _moving Shopkeepers_ with _Barrows_, _Baskets_,
Money to purchase unwholesome Fruit, or any other Necessaries and
Conveniences for carrying on this dangerous Traffick with the middling
People: but thus much must be said, that we generally find them posted
at, or near the Doors and Shops of those _Traders_. And then, what a
horrible Squall and Outcry is there, according to the Season, of _Green
Goosberries by the Gallon_, _Cherries by the Pound_, _Plumbs by the
Hat-full_, _Cucumbers by the Dozen_, and _rare lumping Half-penny-worths
of Pears, Pippins, and Pearmains_, &c. The People are constantly
complaining of Disorders they produce, but cannot refrain from them,
because they are, as it were, thrust down their Throats in this manner;
and when _Advice_ is had, the Patient is rarely told that his Malady
proceeded from the real Cause, but that _Fruit is held to be good and
cooling to the Blood at all Times and Seasons, and by all Countries and
Constitutions_. Thus the _Patient_ repeats his Poison, the _Prescriber_
his Fees, and the _Apothecary_ his Potion. I once catch'd an
_Apothecary_ at the side of a Wheel-barrow enquiring of a dirty Hussey
what Quantities of _Goods_ she had disposed of for a Day or two;
doubtless that he might thereby proportion the Quantity of his
_Medicines_ suitable to the Execution her _Trash_ must have done amongst
his Neighbours.

Another time I saw a Physician vouchsafe to descend from his Chariot
to become an Advocate in the open Street for a Flat-Cap Retailer of
_Golden Rennets_, who had caus'd a great Riot at a Door she was
permitted to place her _Barrow_ against, and pleaded as strenuously
for her Continuance at it, as a Barrister would have done for a Fee of
five Guineas; urging, among other Reasons, the _Cruelty_, and _what an
unchristian Action it would be in any one to obstruct a poor Wretch in
procuring a small Livelihood in an honest industrious Way_. This
Argument had the more Weight with the People, because every one was
surprized to hear so humane a Sentiment from a Practitioner in
Physick.

Some Shopkeepers Wives being got together at a Merry-making, an
Apothecary's _Mortar-piece_ of the Company was complaining of the bad
Situation her Husband's Affairs would have been in, if that it had not
pleased G--d the _Apricots, Plumbs and Nectarins had turned out vastly
bad and plentiful this Year_.

Sometimes when the Mischiefs arising from unwholesome Fruits are too
apparent, and a general Outcry is raised by Nurses and Old Women
against People's indulging themselves too freely in them; then Care is
taken to conceal the _Poison_ under little kind of _Crusts_ in the
nature of _Pyes_ and _Tarts_: and besides what are sold in great
Shops, itinerant Pastry-Cooks are dispersed all over the City and
Suburbs to tempt liquorish Women and Children to become the Properties
of an Apothecary's Shop.

Many there are, who would be inclined to think it something romantick,
when I venture to assure them, that above an hundred Families in and
about this City and Suburbs are actually supported and maintain'd by
no other Means than those of _stealing Dogs_ from the Doors and Houses
of Persons of Quality and Condition; and that Children are actually
put forth Apprentice for a certain Term of Years, and have Money given
with them, to be instructed in this _Art and Mystery_.

We see, that when some of these _innocent Animals_ are missing, what a
Value is set upon them, by the round Sums offer'd by publick
Advertisement. How many great Ladies are there, that would sooner be
reconcil'd to the death of a Child, or a near Relation, than to that
of a favourite Lap-Dog? And how often have we seen Families in deep
Mourning on these _sad Occasions_? From Air to Air, and from Mineral
to Mineral, have they been shifted upon the slightest Disorder. I have
known a tip-top Physician sent for by an Express, and several Sets of
Horses laid on the Road for him, to go with the utmost Expedition to
visit a Lap-Dog that has been only ill of a sullen Fit, or so, in
_Yorkshire_. A Woman of the first Quality, who, when all other
Remedies fail'd her, found great Benefit by Walking, was obliged to
give over that beneficial Exercise, for no other reason, forsooth, but
that her favourite Dog could not keep pace with her, and what was
found to be advantageous to her Constitution, was detrimental to his.

The _Artificers_ who make a _Livelihood_ by decoying these _pretty
Puppets_ away, for the sake of the _Guineas_ and _Half Guineas_ that
are usually given for their recovery to the Owners, are fond to pay a
close and diligent Attendance near the Doors of such Houses where they
are held in the highest Estimation, and at the most proper Seasons.
Four in the Afternoon is deem'd a good Hour for a Dog of Quality and
Distinction: _The dear pretty Soul_ has had a good Meal, and a
thousand Kisses bestow'd on him; and my Lady, perhaps, has been too
free with her _Clary_ after Dinner, and so is gone to take a Nap. The
Valet is kissing her Woman behind the Skreen in the Dining-Room: In
the mean time, _Jewel_ trips down stairs into the Hall, while the
Porter is down in the Kitchen at a Horse-Laughter with the Footmen and
Maids, and the Door committed to the Care of some drunken Chairman, or
poor Fellow out of Place; and a poor-looking Creature is peeping in,
under pretence of asking Charity. The Dog is instantly snapp'd up, and
convey'd away under an old louzy Great-Coat, or a greasy Ridinghood,
to some filthy Cellar or Garret. By and by my Lady wakes, and wants
her _Companion_: 'Sdeath and Fireballs, the House is search'd from top
to bottom, as tho' a Warrant for High-Treason was got into it. Mrs.
_Abigail_ has warning given her, and the _Porter_ is turn'd out of
doors. Every thing is in the greatest Confusion, and nothing but fear
and sorrow appears upon every Countenance. The Footmen and Stablemen
are dispatch'd, like Madmen, North, East, West, and South. The
Trades-People, not immediately knowing the Occasion of this sudden
Consternation, send from all Corners, and hope _my Lord and Lady are
well_. Next Morning the Crier and the News-Papers go to work. My Lady
sees no Company, forbears Plays and Operas, and every Room of the
House looks as if a pestilential Distemper was raging in the Family.

Towards the close of the Evening, a Fellow in a _Soldier's Coat_, with
the Dog very carefully wrapp'd up in one of the Lappets, is knocking
at the Door. A Reprieve to a Malefactor the Morning of Execution, or
the News of a rich Father's Death to an extravagant Heir, cannot be
more welcome than two or three _Yelps_ of the _absent Animal_ shall be
to all the Servants: Happy is that Servant who has the good fortune
first to carry the glad Tidings to my Lady. The Fellow tells a long
Story of his being at his Post in St. _James's Park_, and of his
seeing the Dog under a Woman's Arm; and how he suspected her coming
honestly by it, and what Fatigues and Difficulties he met with in
wresting the poor Creature from her: How the Mob took part against
him, and the risque he run of being sent to the _Savoy_; with twenty
other Falsehoods, all which are greedily swallowed: Every Face, with
Tears of Joy, standing with great Faith and Patience to hear his
impudent Narration of the great Dangers that the poor _little
Creature_ and _himself_ had escaped. The Thief receives the _Reward_,
with perhaps a _Guinea_ over, and goes away loaded with Applauses and
Blessings, for restoring Peace and Tranquillity in the Family.

The _Dogs_ that belong to private Families, and Shopkeepers, the
proper time for _setting_ them is generally soon after Seven in the
Morning, when the Maid neglects her _Entry_ and the _Stairs_ for a
Conversation with the Baker's Journeyman, or her Master's Prentice;
and a general _Tete-a-Tete_ of all the Mops and Brooms in the
Neighbourhood is going forward; and a Sash Window, or a Street Door
left carelesly open, whereby an opportunity is given for _Tray_ to be
trick'd out of House and Home by a bit of Meat, that is generally
shewn him as a Bait for that purpose. _Half a Guinea_ for bringing him
home is repeated three or four times in the Advertisements, and then a
_Guinea_ once or twice more; so that about Forty Shillings must be
expended, before the poor _Fool_ shall be put into _statu quo_.

In the Evening, when the Ladies are going to make their Visits, their
_pretty Favourites_ are too apt to follow them from the Parlour to the
Street Door; and if their _Guardians_ and _Trustees_ are not
sufficiently upon the watch, a Person under pretence of wanting Alms,
shall not only mump Money, but carry off their _Ward_ into the
bargain.

When Service is over at the Churches and Meeting-Houses on a _Sunday_,
we find a great many Hands at work plying the Doors and Avenues; in
hopes of picking up now and then one of these straggling _Gentry_: For
there are very staunch _Church_-Folks, as well as rigid _Presbyterians_
of this Species; and I have seen some of them, whose Zeal has
transported them so far, as to render themselves liable to the Penalty
of Twenty Pounds, in disturbing a Preacher by loudly snarling at him,
when they have been pleased not to approve of his Countenance or
Doctrine.

The _Quakers_ may entertain a great many of them at their Habitations,
but I believe, have few or none that can be truly said to be of their
Persuasion; for I could never learn that any were ever affected with
their Principles, and much less frequented their Places of Religious
Worship.

Those honest City-Tradesmen and others, who so lovingly carry their
Wives and Mistresses to the neighbouring Villages in Chaises to regale
them on a _Sunday_, are seldom sensible of the great Inconveniences
and Dangers they are exposed to: for besides the common Accidents of
the Road, there are a Set of regular Rogues kept constantly in Pay to
incommode them in their Passage; and these are the Drivers of what are
called _Waiting Jobbs_, and other _Hackney Travelling-Coaches_ with
Sets of Horses, who are commissioned by their Masters to annoy, sink,
and destroy all the single and double Horse-Chaises they can
conveniently meet with, or overtake in their Way, without regard to
the Lives or Limbs of the Persons who travel in them. What Havock
these industrious Sons of Blood and Wounds have made within twenty
Miles of _London_ in the Compass of a Summer's Season, is best known
by the Articles of Accidents in the common News-Papers: The miserable
Shrieks of Women and Children not being sufficient to deter the
Villains from doing what they call _their Duty to their Masters_; for
besides their Daily or Weekly Wages, they have an extraordinary stated
Allowance for every Chaise they can _reverse_, _ditch_, or _bring by
the Road_, as the Term or Phrase is.

I heard a Fellow, who drove a hired Coach and four Horses, give a long
Detail of a _hard Chace_ he gave last Summer to a Two-Horse Chaise,
which was going with a Gentleman and three Ladies to _Windsor_. He
said he first came in view of the Chaise at _Knights-Bridge_, and
there put on hard after it to _Kensington_; but that being drawn by a
Pair of good Cattle, and the Gentleman in the Seat pretty expert at
driving, they made the Town before him; and there stopping at a
Tavern-Door to take a Glass of Wine, he halted also, and whistled for
his Horses to _stale_: but the Chaise not yet coming on, he affected
another Delay, by pretending that one of his Horses had taken up a
Stone, and so dismounting, as if to search, lay by, till the _Enemy_
had passed him; that then they kept a _Trot on_ together to
_Turnham-Green_, when the People suspecting his Design again, put on:
that he then whipp'd after them _for dear Blood_, thinking to have
done their Business between that Place and _Brentford_. But here he
was again disappointed, for the two Horses still kept their Courage,
till they came between _Longford_ and _Colnbrook_, where he plainly
perceived 'em begin to droop or _knock up_, and found he had then a
sure Game on't. He went on leisurely after them, till both Parties
came into a narrow Lane, where there was no Possibility of an Escape,
when he gave his Horses a sudden Jerk, and came with such Violence
upon the People, that he pull'd their Machine quite over. He said, the
Cries of the Women were so loud that _the B--ches might be heard to
his Master's Yard in_ Piccadilly; that there being no-body near to
assist the People, he got clear off with two or three blind old Women
his Passengers some Miles beyond _Maidenhead_, safe both from Pursuit
and Evidence.

I have been credibly informed, that many of the Coachmen and
Postillions belonging to the Quality are seduced by the Masters of the
Travelling-Coaches to involve themselves in the Guilt of this
monstrous Enormity, and have certain Fees for dismounting Persons on
single Horses, and over-turning Chaises, when it shall suit with their
Convenience to do it with _Safety_, (that is, within the Verge of the
Law;) and in case of an _Action_ or _Indictment_, if the Master or
Mistress will not stand by their Servant, and believe the Mischief was
merely accidental, the Offender is then defended by a general
Contribution from all the Stage-Coach Masters within the Bills of
Mortality.

Those Hackney-Gentlemen who drive about the City and Suburbs of
_London_, have by their over-grown Insolence obliged the Government to
take notice of them, and make Laws for their Regulation; and as there
are Commissioners for receiving the Tax they pay to the Publick, so
those Commissioners have Power to hear and determine between the
Drivers and their Passengers upon any Abuse that happens: and yet
these ordinary Coachmen abate very little of their abusive Conduct,
but not only impose in Price upon those that hire them, but refuse to
go this or that way as they are call'd: whereas the Law obliges them
to go wherever they are legally required, and at reasonable Hours.
This Treatment, and the particular saucy impudent Behaviour of the
Coachmen in demanding _t'other Twelver or Tester_ above their Fare,
has been the occasion of innumerable Quarrels, Fighting and Abuses;
affronting Gentlemen; frighting and insulting Women; and such
Rudenesses, that no civil Government will, or indeed ought to suffer;
and above all, has been the occasion of the killing several Coachmen
by Gentlemen that have been provoked by the villainous Tongues of
those Fellows beyond the Extent of their Patience. Their intolerable
Behaviour has rendered them so contemptible and odious in the Eyes of
all Degrees of People whatever, that there is more Joy seen for one
Hackney-Coachman's going to the Gallows, than for a Dozen Highway-men
and Street-Robbers.

The Driver of a Hackney-Coach having the Misfortune to break a Leg and
an Arm by a Fall from his Box, was rendred incapable of following that
Business any longer; and therefore posted himself at the Corner of one
of the principal Avenues leading to _Covent-Garden_ with his Limbs
bound up to the most advantageous Manner to move the Passengers to
Commiseration. He told his deplorable Case to all, but all passed
without Pity; and the Man must have inevitably perish'd, had it not
come into his head to shift the Scene and his Situation. The
Transition was easy, he whipt on a Leathern-Apron, and from a
_Coachman_ became a poor _Joiner_, with a Wife and four Children, that
had broke his Limbs by a Fall from the Top of a House. Showers of
Copper poured daily into his Hat, and in a few Years he became able to
purchase many _Figures_, as well as Horses; and he is now Master of
one of the most considerable Livery-Stables in _London_.

The next are the _Watermen_; and indeed the Insolence of these, though
they are under some Limitations too, is yet such at this time, that it
stands in greater need than any other of severe Laws, and those Laws
being put in speedy execution. A few Months ago, one of these very
People being Steers-man of a Passage-Boat between _Queenhithe_ and
_Windsor_, drowned fifteen People at one time; and when many of them
begg'd of him to put them on Shore, or take down his Sails, he
impudently mock'd them, ask'd some of the poor frighted Women, if they
were afraid of going to the Devil; and bid them say their Prayers:
then used a vulgar Water-Phrase which such Fellows have in their
Mouths, _Blow Devil, the more Wind the better Boat_. A Man of a very
considerable Substance perishing with the rest of the unfortunate
Passengers, this Villain, who had saved himself by swimming, had the
surprizing Impudence to go the next Morning to his Widow, who lived at
_Kingston_ upon _Thames_. The poor Woman, surrounded with a number of
sorrowful Friends, was astonished to think what could be the occasion
of the Fellow's coming to her; but thinking he was come to give some
Account of her Husband's Body being found, at last she condescended to
see him. After a scurvy Scrape or two, the Monster very modestly
_hoped his good Mistress would give him half a Crown to drink her
Health, by way of Satisfaction for a Pair of Oars and a Sail he had
lost the Night before, when he had drowned her Husband_.

I have many times pass'd between _London_ and _Gravesend_ with these
Fellows; when I have seen them, in spite of the shrieks and cries of
the Women, and the persuasions of the Men-Passengers, and indeed, as
if they were the more bold by how much the Passengers were the more
afraid; I say, I have seen them run needless hazards, and go as it
were within an Inch of Death, when they have been under no necessity
of it: and if not in contempt of the Passengers, it has been in meer
laziness, to avoid their rowing. And I have been sometimes oblig'd,
especially when there have been more Men in the Boat of the same Mind,
so that we have been strong enough for them, to threaten to cut their
Throats, to make them hand their Sails, and keep under Shore, not to
fright, as well as hazard the Lives of the Passengers, when there was
no need of it. But I am satisfied, that the less frighted and timorous
their Passengers are, the more cautious and careful the Watermen are,
and the least apt to run into Danger. Whereas, if their Passengers
appear frighted, then the Watermen grow saucy and audacious, show
themselves venturous, and contemn the Dangers they are really expos'd
to.

_Set one Knave to catch another_, is a proverbial Saying of great
Antiquity and Repute in this Kingdom. Thus the vigilant _Vintner_,
notwithstanding all his little Arts of base Brewings, abridging his
Bottles, and connecting his Guests together, does not always reap the
Fruits of his own Care and Industry. Few People being aware of the
underhand Understandings and Petty-Partnerships these Sons of
_Benecarlo_ and _Cyder_ have topp'd upon them; and the many other
private Inconveniences that they, in the course of their Business, are
subjected to. Now, to let my Readers into this great _Arcanum_ or
Secret, I must acquaint them, that nothing is more certain and frequent
than for some of the principal Customers to a Tavern, to have a secret
Allowance, by way of Drawback, of Six-pence or Seven-Pence, nay
sometimes I have heard of Eight-pence, on every Bottle of Port-Wine that
themselves shall drink, or cause to be drank in the House, and for which
they have seemingly paid the full Price of two Shillings; and so are a
sort of _Vintners in Vizards_, and _Setters of Society_. These are
mostly sharping Shopkeepers, who, by being considerable Dealers, hold
numbers of other inferiour Trades-people in a State of Dependency upon
them; Officers of Parishes; old season'd Soakers, who by having serv'd
an Age to Tippling, have contracted a boundless Acquaintance;
House-Stewards; Clerks of Kitchens; Song-Singers; Horse-Racers; Valet de
Chambres; Merry Story-Tellers, Attorneys and Sollicitors, with Legions
of wrangling Clients always at their Elbows. Wherefore, as they have got
the Lead upon a great part of Mankind, they are for ever establishing
Clubs and Friendly-Societies at Taverns, and drawing to them every Soul
they have any Dealings or Acquaintance with.

The young Fellows are mostly sure to be their Followers and Admirers,
as esteeming it a great Favour to be admitted amongst their _Seniors_
and _Betters_, thinking to _learn to know the World and themselves_.
One constant Topick of Conversation, is the _Civility of the People,
the diligent Attendance_, together with the _Goodness of the Wines,
and Cheapness of the Eatables_; with a Side-wind Reflection on another
House. And if at any time, when the Wine is complain'd of, it is
answer'd with _Peoples Palates are not at all times alike; my Landlord
generally hath as good, or better, than any one in the Town_. And
oftentimes the poor innocent _Bottle_, or else the Cork, falls under a
false and heavy Accusation.

In a Morning there is no passing thro' any part of the Town, without
being _Hemm'd_ and _Yelp'd_ after by these Locusts from the Windows of
Taverns, where they post themselves at the most convenient Views, to
observe such Passengers as they have but the least knowledge of; and
if a Person be in the greatest haste, going upon extraordinary
Occasions, or not caring to vitiate his Palate before Dinner, and so
attempts an Escape, then, like a Pack of Hounds, they join in full Cry
after him, and the Landlord is detach'd upon his Dropsical Pedestals,
or else a more nimble-footed Drawer is at your Heels, bawling out,
_Sir, Sir, 'tis your old Friend Mr. Swallow, who wants you upon
particular Business_.

The Sums which are expended daily by this Method, are realy
surprizing. I knew a Clerk to a Vestry, a Half-pay Officer, a Chancery
Sollicitor, and a broken Apothecary, that made a tolerable good
Livelihood, by calling into a Tavern all their Friends that passed by
the Window in this manner. Their Custom was to sit with a Quart of
White-_Port_ before them in a Morning; every Person they decoy'd into
their Company for a Minute or two, never threw down less than his
Six-pence, and few drank more than one Gill; and if two or three
Glasses, he seldom came off with less than one Shilling. The Master of
the House constantly provided them with a plain Dinner, _gratis_. All
Dinner-time they kept their Room still, in full view of the Street,
and so sate _catching Gudgeons_, (as they used to call it) from
Morning till Night; when, besides amply filling their own Carcasses,
and discharging the whole Reckoning, they seldom divided less than
seven or eight Shillings a Man _per Diem_.

Some People, unacquainted with this _Fellow-feeling_ at Taverns, often
wonder how such a one does to hold it; that he spends a confounded
deal of Money, is seldom out of a Tavern, and never in his Business:
when, in reality, he is thus never out of his Business, and so helps
to run away with the chief Profits of the House.

Nor are these all the Hardships many of the Vintners lie under; for
besides, their Purses must too often stand a private Examination
behind the Bar, when any of these sort of Customers Necessities shall
require it.

'Tis such Dealings drive the poor Devils to all the little Shifts and
Tricks imaginable. I went one day into a Tavern near _Charing-Cross_,
to inquire after a Person whom I knew had once us'd the House: The
Mistress being in the Bar, cry'd out, _What an unfortunate thing it
was, Mr. ---- being that instant gone out of the House, and was
surprized I did not meet him at the Door; but that he had left Word he
expected a Gentleman to come to him, and would return immediately._ I
staid the sipping of two or three Half-pints, and begun to shew some
uneasiness that he did not come according to her Expectation; when she
again _wonder'd at it_, saying, _it was just one of his Times of
coming; for that he was a worthy good Gentleman, and constantly
whetted four or five times in a Morning_. At length, being out of all
patience, I paid, and went to my Friend's House, about twenty Doors
farther; where his Wife inform'd me, _he had been gone about three
Months before to_ Jamaica.

The Bankruptcies so frequently happening among the Sons of _Bacchus_,
are doubtless to be attributed chiefly to such Leeches as I have been
describing, lying so closely upon them; and then an innocent
industrious Man is to be call'd forsworn Rogue, Villain, and what not;
and to be told that he hath affected a Failure, to sink a dozen or
fourteen Shillings in the Pound upon his Creditors, when, in reality,
he hath not a single Shilling left in the World; and shall oftentimes
be oblig'd to become a common Waiter to a more fortunate Fellow, and
one perhaps too, that he once had thoughts of circumventing in his
Business and Trade, by no other means, than a more humble and
tractable Behaviour.

A Vintner, who has been look'd upon by all Mankind to have been a
20,000_l._ Man at least, hath died not worth Eighteen-pence; and then
the poor Wretch has been worried to his Grave, with the Character of a
private Whore-master or Gamester.

A few Years since _Peter Dapper_ came into a naked and ruin'd
Bawdy-House Tavern in the heart of the City; he resolv'd upon a
thorough Reformation of its Customs and Manners, and when a Male and
Female came in together, he order'd his Servants to shew them into the
open Kitchen. He declar'd that he would make no difference or
distinction in the Price of his Wines, but would be above-board with
all Mankind. He redress'd the exorbitant Grievances of the _Gridiron_
and the _Spit_, and protested his Heart and his Larder free and open
to all that should vouchsafe to visit either. He invited all the
single Mercers, Druggists, and Drapers, that lived within sight of his
_Bush_, to eat a piece of Mutton with him every Day at Noon, and upon
the removal of the Cloth, _Peter_ proclaim'd a free general Indemnity
and Oblivion for all the Mischief their Forks and Knives had done to
two or three substantial Dishes that stood before them. By these, and
other uncommon Acts of Generosity, he rais'd the Reputation of his
House to a greater pitch than any other in the Neighbourhood, and
reap'd the Fruits of his own Labours and Ingenuity. _Peter_, in a few
Years, having laid hands on a good number of Acres, and got an
Equipage about his Ears, has now very fairly turn'd his A--se upon all
the Taverns in the Kingdom.

A certain great BANKER, whose Name it is altogether needless to
mention, (the Fact being too well known to many Peoples Misfortune)
having by some indiscreet Management greatly hurt his Reputation, and
several Stories of a suspicious nature, tending to depreciate his
Character, being whisper'd about; which coming in time to his
knowledge, he thought of a notable Device to prevent the Consequences
that generally ensue on those occasions to Persons in his way of Life.
His first step was to order Glaziers and Painters to new-ornament his
House in the most genteel manner. He next hurried to the _Pool_, and
order'd in about a hundred Chaldrons of Coals, tho' it was the warm
Season of the Year. These _Circumstances_ seem'd to _demonstrate_ a
Continuance in his House, and for three or four Days together, when
the People came either to draw, or bring their Cash, their was scarce
a possibility of getting into the Shop, for a number of dirty Fellows
who were incessantly carrying Sacks of Coals on their Backs to the
Cellars. The Stratagem succeeded even beyond expectation; the
Creditors Apprehensions clear'd up, and one ridicul'd another for
their _foolish_ and _ill-grounded_ Fears. The _Run_ that was begun to
be made, not only ceased, but numbers of Strangers now thought fit to
constitute him the _Custode_ of their Fortunes; and the Man was look'd
upon to be one of the most flourishing of his Business in the City,
and his Credit equal to that of the _Bank of England_. This went on
for about a Fortnight or three Weeks longer, when this pains-taking
Tradesman thought fit to shut up his Shop, and rub off with
100,000_l._ of his Creditors Money to _Antwerp_.

Another time a young Fellow, with a pitiful Patrimony, open'd a
LINNEN-DRAPER'S Shop in the heart of the City; his Stock was equal to
his Fortune, and, like most raw unexperienc'd Persons, his Soul vastly
bigger than both. Tho' he set out with great Ambition, he condescended
to bow to all the Fair-Sex who pass'd his Door in Coaches or on Foot;
his Success was humble, for he bowed to little purpose. Revolving
Quarters, with Rent and Taxes, were his principal Customers. These,
together with the apprehensions of his being soon named with other of
his Majesty's loving Subjects in the _London Gazette_, gave him great
Pain and Anxiety. One Morning he bless'd himself for a lucky Dog,
having arose from his Pillow with the most happy Thought that had ever
enter'd his Head. He call'd for Pen, Ink, and Paper, and enjoining his
Journeyman Secrecy, went to his Compting-House, and drew up a Paper to
the Effect following: _viz._ "_Whereas there was, on the 10th Day of
this Instant October, dropp'd in the Shop of Mr._ Probity,
Linnen-Draper, _at the ...... in_ Cheapside, London, _a green Silk
Purse, in which was contain'd a large Rose Diamond Ring, a great
number of pieces of Foreign Gold, together with sundry Notes,_ &c. _of
great value; whoever will apply to the said Mr._ Probity, _and prove
their Property to the same, shall have it restor'd them, on paying
only the Charge of this Advertisement._"

This he caused to be printed in all the publick News-Papers, and
although there was no such Purse lost, and consequently no Claim
made, the Action was cry'd up through the Town as the most just and
laudable that was ever done by a Citizen, and particularly by a young
Beginner; some saying, _How many were there in the World that would
have been silent enough on such an occasion?_ And others, _Ay, Ay; if
it were not for some such honest People left amongst us, the World
would never stand._ Trade and Business now flow'd in so fast upon him,
that he was scarce able to undergo the Fatigue of his Shop; which was
constantly crouded with _Women_ of all Ranks and Conditions, who, they
said, _were sure to meet with fairer Usage there, than in any other in
the City_. His barely _averring, upon the Word of an honest Man, that
the Goods in dispute lay him in more prime-cost than was bid him_,
would go further than the Oaths of a dozen Witnesses in _Guild-hall_;
and when he was urged to say, as _I'm a Christian_, or, _if one living
Soul may believe another_, it would satisfy the most Judicious and
Thrifty, and remove from his Shop the worst of Goods at the most
extravagant Prices.

The great Dealer in _India_ Goods is to sell as much China, Silks, and
Muslins, _&c._ as he can, by which he shall get what he proposes to be
reasonable, according to the customary Profits of his Business. As to
a Lady, what she would be at, is to please her Fancy, and buy cheaper
by a Shilling or two in the Pound, than the Things she wants are
commonly sold at. Upon the approach of her Chariot to one of these
Magazines of Trifles, up steps a Gentleman-like Man, that has every
thing clean and fashionable about him; who, in low obeisance, pays
her homage; and as soon as her pleasure is known that she has a mind
to come in, hands her into the Shop; where immediately he slips from
her, and in half a Moment, with great Address, entrenches himself
behind the Compter. Here facing her, with a profound Reverence and
modish Phrase, he begs the favour of knowing her Commands. Let her say
and dislike what she pleases, she can never be directly contradicted.
She deals with a Man in whom consummate Patience is one of the
Mysteries of his Trade; and whatever Trouble she creates, she is sure
to hear nothing but the most obliging Language; and has always before
her a chearful Countenance, where Joy and Respect seem to be blended
with Good-Humour, and all together make up an artificial Serenity,
more ingaging than untaught Nature is able to produce.

When two Persons are so well met, the Conversation must be very
agreeable, as well as extremely mannerly, tho' they talk about
Trifles. Whist she remains irresolute what to take, he seems to be the
same in advising her, and is very cautious how to direct her Choice:
but when once she has made it, and is fix'd, he immediately becomes
positive that it is the best of the sort; extols her Fancy, and the
more he looks upon it, the more he wonders he should not before have
discovered the pre-eminence of it over any thing he has in his Shop.
By Precept, Example, and great Application, he has learn'd and
observ'd to slide into the inmost Recesses of the Soul, found the
Capacity of his Customers, and discover'd their blind side unknown to
them: By all which he is instructed in fifty other Stratagems, to
make her overvalue her own Judgment; as well as the Commodity she
would purchase. The greatest Advantage he has had over her, lies in
the most material part of the Commerce between them, the Debate about
the Price, which he knows to a Farthing, and she is wholly ignorant
of: therefore he no where more egregiously imposes on her
Understanding: and tho' here he has the liberty of telling what Lyes
he pleases, as to the _Prime-Cost_, and _the Money he has refused_,
yet he trusts not to them only; but attacking her Vanity, makes her
believe the most incredible things in the World, concerning his own
Weakness, and her superior Abilities. _He had taken a Resolution_, he
says, _never to part with that_ Piece _or_ Set _under such a Price,
but she has the power of talking him out of his Goods beyond any body
he ever sold to_: He _protests, that he loses by what she offers; but
seeing that she has a fancy for it, and is resolv'd to give no more,
rather than disoblige a Lady he has such an uncommon value for, he'll
let her have it; and only begs, that another time she will not stand
so hard with him._ In the mean time the Buyer, who has a voluble
Tongue, and imagines herself no Fool, is easily persuaded that she has
a very winning way of Talking; and thinking it sufficient, for the
sake of Good Breeding, to disown her Merit, and in some witty Repartee
retort the Compliment, he makes her swallow very contentedly the
substance of every thing he tells her. The upshot is, that with the
satisfaction of having bought, as she thinks, according to her
expectation, she has paid exactly the same Price as any body else
would have done; and give much more than, rather than not have sold
his Goods, he would have taken.

Those who have never minded an Accident that once happened to a spruce
Mercer on _Ludgate-Hill_, have neglected a Scene of Life that is very
entertaining. A genteel young Lady, very richly apparelled, made a
full stop, in a Hackney-Coach, at the Door of this sharp-sighted
Citizen; who, with his wonted Civility, conducted her into his Shop.
After she had spent two or three Hours in tumbling over his Goods, and
exclaiming against his _frightful Prices_, and after divers _Doubts_
and _Hesitations_, she fix'd her Determination on Silks and Brocades
to the value or amount of 100_l._ and then, with a handsome Apology
for Women's seldom gadding abroad with such a Sum of Money in their
Pockets, desires he would do her the honour to wait upon her, with the
Goods, to her Husband's House, naming a very eminent Surgeon at St.
_James's_. In the _interim_ Dinner is gone up, and the Mercer invites
his fair Customer to take a Family Morsel with him, before they went
to St. _James's_. At Dinner many Excuses pass'd on the side of the
Mercer and his Wife, for the _indifferent Fare_; and on the Lady's
side as many Declarations, _that all was mighty good and well_; and
faithfully promis'd, that if his Goods answer'd her expectation, she
would never quit his Shop, but would also procure most of her Friends
and Acquaintance to deal with him. She was seiz'd with a fainting Fit
or two, with other pretty affected Symptoms of a _breeding Lady_,
which led on a great deal of good humour upon the subject of Marriage.
When Dinner was over, a Coach was call'd, the Lady and her Purchase
were handed in with the greatest alacrity, and order'd to go to Mr.
---- a _Surgeon's_. All the way, a great deal of obliging Discourse
pass'd on both sides; and the Mercer, not a little proud of his pretty
Customer, and the large Roll of Silk that lay in sight, took care to
bow to all his Acquaintance as he pass'd along. When the Coach
stopp'd, she very pertly ask'd the Servant that open'd the Door, if
his Master was in the Surgery; and being answer'd he was, she says,
take care, put that Parcel by carefully, and shew this Gentleman into
the Parlour. In the mean time, herself went up to the Master, and
addresses herself to the following purpose; _viz._ "That about two
years since, her too indulgent Parents," _naming a Family of good
account in the Country_, "had unfortunately married her to Mr. ---- a
Mercer on _Ludgate-Hill_; but that his Life, since their Marriage, had
been so scandalous and dissolute, that, in short, he had not only
ruin'd her Fortune, but she fear'd her Constitution, by his
Conversation with Scrumpets; and that her Condition was such, she knew
not what to do with herself, nor how to make her Case known to any
living Creature." He was going directly to examine her, but that she
desired he would desist, and talk first with Mr. ----, her Husband,
naming the Mercer, who, she said, was below stairs waiting for that
purpose. She begg'd not to be present, for she could scarce bear the
sight of a Wretch who had used her so cruelly. She being withdrawn,
the Surgeon went down stairs, and invited the Mercer into the
Surgery; and began with asking, _How he found himself?_ The Mercer
answer'd, _truly he could not boast of a large share of Health, but
that he made a shift to rub on_; but adds he, _Sir, your Lady had a
sudden Disorder this Day, as she was at Dinner at my House_; then,
with a Smile, _we once thought we must have made her your Patient, by
sending for you to her assistance_. _Zounds_, says the Surgeon in a
surprize, _what, my Wife dine at your House! I knew she went into the
City_. Replies the Mercer, _We had but a sorry Entertainment for her;
however, she hath made herself amends in her Bargain_; and then
presents him with a Bill of Parcels for 100_l._ for Silks sold and
delivered. The Surgeon, in a violent agony, rang the Bell for his
Servants, bidding them run all over the City, and find their Mistress.
_Sir_, says the Mercer, _you need not give your self that trouble, to
be sure she's in the House, for the Lady came with me in a Coach from
the City_. This put him into a greater fury; _D--mn ye, Sir, your own
pocky Slut, you mean; I'd have ye know, my Wife keeps no such Rascals
company_. To blows they went, and the Bones of the Skeletons rattled
as fast in the Glasses, as those of the Combatants. A Constable was
call'd, and charged with the Mercer, for endeavouring to defraud the
Surgeon of 100_l._ by false Tokens and Pretences. And both the Men
continued so hot and outrageous, and such Scurrilities pass'd between
them, that the Mistake was vastly far from being clear'd up, and the
Cheat set to rights. The Mercer was carried in Custody to a Tavern, in
order to go before a Magistrate, cursing and reviling all the Surgeons
as he went along; saying, _if those were their Tricks, it was time to
give over Trade_; and what still vex'd him more, to have his poor
innocent Wife call'd pocky B--ch, and himself all the debauch'd
Villains into the Bargain. The Surgeon, on the other hand, cries out,
_A new piece of Villany, a Fellow brings a Whore, and a Bill of
Parcels, to rob my House, and has withal the Impudence to boast of a
Conversation he has truly had with my Wife in a Hackney-Coach_. The
Surgeon's Wife had been found over a Dish of Tea at a Relation's House
in _Crutched-Fryars_, where she had dined, and had hurried home in
such a manner, that the Horses stood in a dropping Sweat at the Door.
Soon after comes the Mercer's Wife, almost frighted to death,
accompanied with half her Relations, and finds a Mob of a thousand
People about the House where her Husband was kept Prisoner. An Hour
more past before the Fraud was discover'd by either Party, and the
Affair set in a true light; when, upon enquiring, the _Fair Cheat_ it
seems had, so soon as the Mercer was invited out of the Room he was
placed in, given the Servant half a Crown, and went off with the
Silks, and it has not been known who she was to this day.

While the State-Lottery was Drawing at the _Guild-hall_ in _London_,
an _Irishman_ stood amongst the Croud, meditating upon Ways and Means
to procure a Meal's Meat; his Belly, it seems, having been a Bankrupt
for many Days before. At length, hearing a Prize of 1000_l._
proclaimed, he fell into an Exstacy, crying out, the Ticket was his,
which drew the Eyes of all the People present upon him: he ran up to
the _Hustings_ among the Managers, and for better Satisfaction,
desired to be inform'd of the principal Clerks whether the Number he
had heard in the _Hall_ was entitled to the 1000_l._ Prize. They
assured him it was, and gave him Joy on his Success. He told the
Clerks and Proclaimers, that when the Wheels were clos'd, and the
Day's Drawing concluded, he should be glad of their Company to eat a
bit of something or other with him at a neighbouring Tavern. When the
Lottery-Men had done their Business, they accordingly came, like so
many Millers, powdering every one that brush'd against them to the
Tavern, where the Spits, Boilers and Stew-pans were all a going
Tantivy; the Master of the House sent privately to the Ringers, to
tell them he had a Gentleman, his Guest, whom Fortune had favour'd in
the Lottery, that if his Vanity was touch'd up with a Peal or two, he
would warrant them a Pair of Pieces for the Complement. St.
_Lawrence's_ Bells were at it in an instant, and when the Ringers came
to pay their Respects to _his Honour_, he order'd them three Guineas
at the Bar. The Landlord, when he was paying the Money, was not a
little proud of his own Foresight, saying, _Gentlemen, did not I tell
you how it would be?_

Dinner was served up, when the Vintner and all his Servants were at
their Stations, in close and diligent Attendance upon the Company. The
Discourse turn'd chiefly upon the niggardly Dispositions of some, whom
Fortune had favour'd in the same Manner, and the various Humours and
Tempers of Mankind: what unaccountable Successes attended on some
People, and the Misfortunes that others were visibly destin'd to. In
the Evening, the Reckoning was call'd for, together with three or
four peremptory Bottles: the Bill came to five Pounds; the _Master_ of
the _Feast_, perusing it, excepted to one of the _Articles_, as being
an exorbitant Charge; and as he said, _making a Property of
Good-Nature_. All the Company join'd with much Warmth in the
Complaint; upon which, he said he would go down and _give_ it the
Landlord in his Bar. When he was got below Stairs, in a careless
Manner, with a Pipe in his Mouth, and without his Hat; he saunter'd
about for a Minute or two, and then found an Opportunity to slip away,
leaving the Reck'ning to be paid by his Companions above stairs. The
Master of the House had the more reason to be shock'd when he heard of
the Imposture, because he had not only paid the three Guineas for the
Steeple-Musick, but had lent him ten Guineas more out of his Pocket
for pretended Exigencies. The Gentlemen could not afterwards pass
through the Hall without being insulted; one unlucky Rogue bawling
out, _What was the Reck'ning at the Tavern?_ and another answering,
FIVE POUNDS _principal Money_.

We have had instances of Jurymen, who have had their Pockets pick'd
when they have been sitting upon Trials of Life and Death; and whilst
a Prosecutor has been giving Evidence against one Rogue, another has
at that very instant robb'd him of his Snuff-Box and Handkerchief.

There are eight Sessions of _Oyer_ and _Terminer_ and Jail-Delivery
usually holden in _London_ in a Year, many of which, through the great
Number of Prisoners try'd, continue four or five Days successively;
during which time, the _Old-Bailey-Yard_ is crouded with an idle
disorderly Crew of Persons of both Sexes, who have no other Business
but to obstruct those who have any unwish'd for Avocation to the
Place----In one Corner stands a Circle, compos'd of, perhaps, a
Baker's-Boy, a Journeyman-Shoemaker, a Butcher's-'Prentice, and a
Bailiff's-Follower, telling _how it was_; By what _means such a Robber
was taken_; _Who his Relations are_; One boasting of _being his near
Neighbour_; and another of an intimate _Acquaintance with him_,
&c.----In another, a heap of Earthen-ware Women, with Straw Hats, and
their black and blue Eyes and swoln Faces, lamenting the Fate of _poor
Bob_, or _Jemmy_, _hoping the L--d will deliver him out of the Hands
of his Adversaries_; meaning the Laws of his Country----In a third, is
a row of _Spittle-field Weavers_, with the Lice passing in Review over
their Shoulders, before two or three lazy Silver-button'd Alehouse
Fellows at their Elbows; near whom, are four or five old Women,
shaking their Heads _at the Wickedness of the Times_, and what _a
likely young Fellow pass'd just now to his Trial_, wondering _that
Youth won't take warning_, &c.----A Yard farther, two or three
Grenadiers together, with a red-faced Serjeant or Corporal of the Foot
Guards, ready to rap a Reputation for some offending Brother. These,
together with two or three Dozen of Whores and Thieves from
_Rosemary-lane_ and St. _Giles's_, and a Company of idle Sailors from
_Wapping_, resolve themselves into Committees of threes, fours, and
fives, all over the Sessions-house-yard, and there debate on the Fates
and Circumstances of the Criminals, till the latest Hour of the
Court's sitting, be the Season ever so rigorous, or their Affairs at
home ever so pressing. But sometimes, by the sudden and hasty turning
in of a Coach, these Committees are all suspended, and squeez'd up
against the Walls, or else oftentimes, through their being a little
too verbose and vociferous; the Court, by their Officer upon the
Leads, calls them to Peace and Order.

Nor are the Taverns, Ale-houses, and Brandy-shops in the Neighbourhood
less fill'd with idle Spectators: for, besides the Prosecutors and
their Witnesses, (which must necessarily attend) there are infinite
Numbers of _Watch-makers_, _Barbers_, _Poulterers_, _Engravers_, and
other Artizans and Handicraft Tradesmen, who have no other Business
there, but to hearken to the Stories of the _Newgate_ Solicitors and
their Companions, and so neglecting their Callings and Families at
home, sit tippling one half Pint after another, till they become as
fuddled as a _Beef-Eater_ at a _Tavern_ on a _Sunday_ Morning, and go
home mightily edified with the particulars of a Trial for a Rape, or a
Highway Robbery.

That Figure which the _Sextons_ of Parishes has made in the World of
late Years, is an evident Token of the flourishing State of the
_Worshipful Corporation_ of _Corps-stealers_. There seldom passes a
Night, but we hear of some Defunct _Plebeian_ eloping out of one
Church-yard or other: nor are those of _better Blood_ more secure, for
all their Bolts and Barricadoes. This felonious _Commodity_, I am told,
is sold by _Weight_, and that the _Purchasers_ generally consider and
weigh well what they are about, before they strike a Bargain. The Corpse
of a plain _Milk-Maid_ is said to fetch at least 7_d._ in the Pound
more than that of a _Countess_; and, notwithstanding the highest feeding
and fattening, a common _Joiner_'s has had vastly the preference of a
_Major General_'s in the Market. But, however, this _Calling_ is liable
to many Hazards and Losses as well as others, for oftentimes the Dealers
meet with _Crosses_, which they are oblig'd, though very unwillingly, to
_bear on their Backs_.

I must say something to those People who have introduced a kind of
Fraud of late Years, which now and then runs through the Town like a
Contagion: It is call'd _Auctioneering_, or vending various kinds of
Goods by way of Cant or Auction. Soon after a Man of any Note has
obtained a _Mors Janua Vitae_ against his Wife, and publish'd it over
his Door, or a Woman has done the same thing by her Husband; a Gang of
People, call'd _Bughunters_, take possession of the House, by
displaying their Standard, a huge rotten Carpet, and wage War against
all the good Housewives in the Town. _Moor-fields_ and _Knaves-acre_
are drain'd of their Lumber, and scarce a thirtieth Part of the
deceased Person's real Furniture is on the Premisses. Next, a
News-paper proclaims the Goods of Lady _Good-for-nothing lately
deceased_, to be sold, or rather given away to such as shall take the
trouble to fetch them. All the thrifty Ladies take the Hint, and away
to the place of Auction; the _Orator_, or _Mouth_ of the Sale,
surrounded by his _Puffs_ and _Setters_, shows away. One Fellow is
professing his Astonishment at the _low Prices_ the things go at,
while a Hussey dress'd out for the Day, is bidding against a Woman of
Quality, with no intention to buy, but to bring up those that are
come thither for no other Purpose to a Price far beyond the real
Value. A third Person in the same Circumstance pretends to raise a
Dispute, and rails at the _Rostrum_ in behalf of the Company, as a
Disguise that he may either decoy or postpone, as occasion shall
require. The Ladies return home mightily pleased and satisfied with
their fine _Pennyworths_, and their Judgments are sure to be admired
by their _Women_, and every poor _dependant Cousin_. The Auctioneers
and their Setters retire to the next Tavern, where they drink their
Healths, and join in a _Chorus_ for getting rid of their crazy
Furniture, _&c._ such that, perhaps, nothing but a _Fire_ or an
_Execution_ besides could have moved out of their Shops.

A Set of gay young Fellows, who have been reduced by Play, and other
common Accidents of the Town, have discover'd a Means of obtaining a
Livelyhood within a Year past, that cannot but fail of meeting with
the Approbation of the ingenious Mr. _Roger Johnson_: They dress
exceeding well, and have a Chair attending them every Evening to such
Taverns and Coffee-Houses as they have pitch'd upon in the Day, as
most proper for the execution of their Designs. They enquire for one
another, and People that they are sure not to meet with; and after
taking out a fine Snuff-Box, and displaying a pretty Ring, with
several other Airs, call for a Pint of Wine, if it be in a Tavern; and
for a Glass of Arrack, be it in a Coffee-House, the Chairmen waiting
the mean time in the Passage. After the Beau has turned himself about
in the Glass, and asked a number of insignificant Questions, he
desires Change for a _Guinea_, or perhaps some other large Piece of
_Gold_, which he carelessly throws upon the Bar, and then leaps again
towards the Glass or the Fire. Presently the Bar-keeper cries _Laud,
Sir, this is not a good one!_ The Man or Woman is answer'd by a Volley
of Oaths, and the Words run vastly high, till the Chairmen, by peeping
through the Windows, perceive their Master has the worst of the
Dispute; and then come in bowing with their Heads as crooked as
Dolphins, to know if _his Honour_ has any Commands? The Place is all
silent upon the appearance of the Fellows with their Straps; and a
Customer, in kindness to the House, interferes in the Dispute, and
bids the Bar-keeper not be too rash; for, to be sure, the Mistake must
be in her: for, that a Gentleman of such an Appearance, and so
attended, must certainly be in the right on't. The Fellow receives a
good Piece for his bad one, and not content with that alone, insists
upon their publick acknowledging their _Error_, and begging his Pardon
for the Affront; to which the People readily comply, and away he is
gone in his Chair, to serve as many more Houses as he can in the same
manner.

There are at least thirty People that I have my Eye upon every Day who
dress in Pig-tail Perriwigs and Velvet Breeches, and appear at Plays
and Operas, that have not a Shilling in the World but what they get by
these Practices.

A sober _Citizen_, who had been yoked about fourteen Years, and had
several _Children_ by his Wife, happen'd to have a Call to the Town
of _Northampton_ to transact some Business of Importance to his
Family. In the course of his Life he had not exceeded the Bounds of
_Highgate_ or _Greenwich_, though some say he once ventured to make
the Tour of _Epsom_; however, be that as it will, the dreadful Day for
his Departure is come, his _Will_ has been made in due Form, and his
Affairs entirely settled before he undertook so tedious and hazardous
a _Journey_. Had the poor Creature been going to _Babylon_ or
_Damascus_, the Wife could not have shed more Tears, and shewn more
Grief than she did on the Occasion; she fainted several times, and the
People, that were about her, had much ado to keep Life in her; all
Endeavours to comfort her not availing, she remain'd inconsolable,
telling them, _It was fine Talking for those that had never felt the
Pain of parting with a Husband_. The _last tender_ parting Kiss is
given an hundred times over, and her Tears bring his Handkerchief out
of his Pocket, in deep Sorrow to leave his _dear Betty_ and his _poor
Babes_. In a Flood of briny Tears he is beseeched not to fail writing
by every Post, and every other Opportunity which shall offer: she
promising faithfully not to omit doing the like on her part. At last
he is mounted, and the Eyes of the whole Family continue upon him till
his Horse and he are quite out of sight.

By that time he had reach'd the Town of _Barnet_, his Horse chanced to
fall lame, and himself was so disorder'd, having not rid for many
Years before, that he found himself altogether unable to proceed any
further, and therefore waited till the Evening, when he got Passage in
a Coach that was coming from the North to _London_. When he came into
his Shop at about Twelve at Night, the first thing he met with was his
'Prentice with his Pockets largely stuffed out with Goods to the Value
of Twenty Pounds, which he was going to sell for his own Benefit; the
House-Maid and Nursery-Maid, with a jovial Company, had got an elegant
Supper before them with some of his best Wines on the Table; the
Journeyman and his Cook he found upon a Pack in the Warehouse in the
most tender Embraces. Next, to his Wife's Chamber, that he found fast
lock'd on the Inside, and for all his kicking and swearing for half an
Hour together, he could not find Admittance. Presently the Street was
in an Uproar with the Cry of _Thieves! Thieves!_ a good-sized Animal
being seen sliding by a white Sheet down from the Chamber-Window by a
Watchman who had laid hands on him; and when he was brought into the
House by a number of People with only his Breeches and Shoes on, he
appeared to be an Attorney of _Furnival's-Inn_, who had been
constantly employed in doing this _Citizen's Business_, and was now
doing _Business_ for his Wife.

A young Gentleman, that had made his Addresses for a long time to the
only Daughter of a Widow-Lady, and every one looking upon the thing
that it would one Day be a _Match_, they were permitted to be together
frequently alone; to which _Opportunity_ he joined those pressing and
prevailing _Importunities_, that were too hard for a young innocent
Creature to withstand. In a word, she granted all that was in her
power to give, and surrendred at Discretion the last Favour. A
Maid-Servant, who had kept a watchful Eye upon the Conduct of these
two _Lovers_, as knowing by Experience what it was for a young Girl to
be left alone with a pretty Fellow, peep'd thro' a Key-Hole, and saw
them very fairly go _sans Ceremony_ to bed together. The Maid having
now pretty well secured her Game, steals privately up to her old
Mistress's Chamber, and gave her an Account of the hopeful way her
young Lady was in. The old Lady causes her Brother, who lodg'd in the
House with her, and was a resolute Sea-Officer, to be call'd up, to
give her his Advice and Assistance in so nice and critical a
_Conjuncture_. The Captain, as well as his Sister, were warm'd with
the highest Resentment for so horrid a Violation of the Laws of Honour
and Hospitality; the one declared he would do the Business of the Man,
and the other was resolv'd to turn her Daughter out into the Street,
altho' it was more than Midnight. In this Disposition they both came
to Miss's Chamber-Door, and demanded Entrance. It may be easy to
imagine what an Interruption this sudden and unexpected Accident gave
to the Joys of the amorous Couple, and the Terror that it laid them
under. The young Fellow begg'd his _dear Creature_ to recover her
Surprize, to be directed by his Conduct, and follow the Example he
should give her; which would extricate them both out of the
Difficulty, into which their rash Loves had involv'd them. Both leap'd
out of the Bed in their Shifts, and called out to the Assailants on
the other side of the Chamber-Door, he bidding them to offer no
farther Disturbance at their Peril, for that he would protect and
defend his _lawful Wife_ to the last Extremity; but that, if they had
a mind to enter civilly, and hearken to Reason, he would not give them
the trouble of breaking open the Door. The Words _lawful Wife_ deeply
affected the old Woman, who began to compose herself, upon hearing so
comfortable an Expression; her Passion and Violence being abated, she
cry'd _Dear_ Molly, _open the Door, 'tis none but your Uncle and my
self_. As soon as they enter'd, both the young People went on their
Knees, and ask'd the old Lady Blessing; she could give them no Answer
till she had given vent to her Tears, and then said, _She had not been
so unkind a Parent, but that she might have been acquainted with the
Thing: but, since it was done, she wished them both well together_,
and intreated them to return into Bed again; _for, that she could not
bear to see them stand in that manner in the Cold_. The Uncle saluted
his _Niece_ and _Nephew_, giving them his Compliments on their
Nuptials, and then retired with his _Sister_. The young Folks soon got
to Bed again. The Fellow lay till five in the Morning, and then found
an Opportunity to get out of the House before the Family was stirring;
so that when the good old Lady arose, she saw no more of her _quondam
Son-in-law_.

A Man who keeps an Half-Crown or Twelve-penny Ordinary, looks not more
for Money from his Customers, than a _Footman_ does from every Guest
that dines or sups with his Master; and I question whether the one
does not often think a Shilling or Half a Crown, according to the
Quality of the Person, his Due as much as the other. I have seen a
decay'd Gentleman of as antient and honourable a Family as any in the
Kingdom, sit in great pain at a Person of Quality's Table for want of
Half a Crown in his Pocket to _pay_ the _Butler_ and _Footman_ for his
Dinner. And if a Person is known to fail in this respect, the next
time he comes to the House, he is sure to have the _Look_ which a
Court Table-keeper bestows upon a hungry Poet or an Officer in
Half-pay, who shall be invited by any Gentleman-Waiter to Dinner,
fix'd on him all the time he is eating.

People in the middle Station of Life must pay as regularly for their
Admission to the Persons of the Great, as those do who enter into
beneficial Offices and Places. I have been informed, that there is
affix'd up in several Ale-houses and other publick Places where
Servants resort to at the other End of the Town, a List or Table of
Fees to be taken by Noblemen's _Porters_, _Footmen_, and _Valets de
Chambre_, for People's having Access to their Masters, _viz_.

For a Tradesman to be heard            } _l._  _s._  _d._
_viva voce_, upon the Subject of a     }  0    10     6
large Debt of a long standing,         }

For a poor Clergyman supplicating      }
a Chaplainship, or any other           }  0     5     0
Ecclesiastical Preferment.             }

For a Poet to present a Dedication        0     2     6

For a Mercer or Draper to              }
exhibit a choice new Pattern.          }  0     2     0

For a Person's obtaining the           }
_Promise_ of a Place.                  }  0     5     0

For every Tradesman's Bill that        }
is suffered to lie upon the Table for  }  0     1     0
my Lord and Lady's Perusal.            }

For every paid-off Bill above Ten      }
Pounds                                 }  0    10     0

If any Tradesman has been injuriously treated by the _Steward_ or the
_House-keeper_, who seldom stand high in the Esteem of these lower
Domesticks, the Fees are then dispensed with, and they are admitted
_gratis_, or more properly in _forma Pauperis_, because the Complaint
may prove of such a nature, as to bring about a Change in the Ministry
of the House, and be the Means of an insolent, haughty, over-bearing
Spirit being dismiss'd the Family, and _Te Deum_ sung in the _Kitchen_
and the other lower Offices for a Revolution _above-stairs_.

A Man stone-blind may as soon attempt to view the Sun, as a
_Tradesman_ or a _Pauper_ to attempt the sight of a Great Man without
paying the above Dues; for my Lord shall at one time be _very ill_,
and at another _just gone out_: one Day he is _indisposed_, and
_rested badly_, and another Day _better_, but _sees no Company_; and
have these constant regular Intermissions of _Sickness_ and _Health_
for three or four Months together.

Sometimes _Credit_ has indeed been given in these Cases, but then they
have known, and been pretty sure of their Men. A Gentleman, who had
many times met with these _Put-offs_ at the Door of a Nobleman, came
one day to the Porter with two Half-Crown Pieces, chinking them from
one Hand to the other, upon which his Lordship happened to be _at
home_. Having got his Pass to him, and done his Business, he return'd
thro' the Hall with the Money in his Pocket, smiling upon the Porter,
who he had thus decently deceiv'd.

A Widow, who had once sold a Fan of Half a Guinea Price to a Person of
Quality, the Porter refused to let her go out of the Door without
paying _her Fee_, and kept her in durance. She desired to know his
Demands; he told her, a Shilling: Upon this, she gave him a Crown,
bidding him give her Change, which he did. It happen'd to be a Brass
Piece, which he not perceiving, the Woman got out in haste, to avoid
being detected; but when she came to look on her Money, she found the
Fellow had given her four Leaden Shillings in the change of it.

The Duties of Tonnage and Poundage, which the _Upper Servants_, as
they call themselves, have imposed upon Tradesmen who serve the
Families that entertain them, are very far from being thought
sufficient and satisfactory. For besides a Butcher, Poulterer, or
Fishmonger's being at the constant beck of the Clerk to a Kitchin, or
the Groom of a Chamber, to follow him to a Tavern in the Morning, and
bring something that's _pretty_, to compose a Breakfast for two or
three hungry Fellows out of Business, as he shall have in his Company,
they must, I say, moreover learn the Art of Brewing, and keep
constantly a Cup of good nappy Ale in their Houses, to entertain the
Cook, and all the other Gentry of the Kitchen, when they shall please
to make a _Visit_. A Tradesman must lend his Money, pass his Word,
stand Bail for Arrests, and Sponsor at Christenings, and now and then
be a Surety to the Parish for a Bastard Child. He must do all this,
and a great deal more, or else every thing he furnishes shall be
found fault with: They shall tell him what application has been made
by others for the Custom, what pains they have taken to defeat it, and
how often they are forc'd to stand in the Gap for him, when his Goods
have been complain'd of, and his Discharge actually order'd.

A Coachmaker once assured me, that he seldom made a Coach or Chariot
for any Person of great Quality, but that what with the chief of the
Men-servants running after himself, and the Women-servants after his
Wife, he has been put to such an Expence, as would have fairly bought
a pair of Horses to have drawn the Equipage.

As _many_ of our News-Papers are charged with playing _Tricks_ with
the Publick, I shall make bold to mention a few of them; and they are
chiefly these, _Falsity_, _Absurdity_, and _Trifling_. We are
frequently amused with the _Lives_ and _Actions_ of Persons that were
never _born_; and with the _Deaths_ of those that never _liv'd_; and
large Estates devis'd by People that never enjoy'd them, nor indeed
ever claim'd any Right so to do.

An Author, in the _Morning_, gives us an Account of the Death of a
Person of Note and Eminence, whose Condition hath entitled him to a
Place in his Paper; he tells us the Place, Day, Hour, and the Minute
he expir'd, with a long detail of the Fortune and Merit he was
possessed of. A Writer for the _Evening_ enters his _Caveat_ against
some Particulars of the _Fact_, and declares his Brother hath had an
_ill Information_; for that the Party did not depart at the Time
mention'd in his Paper, and that himself only is in possession of the
truth; and avers, that it happen'd above half an Hour after that Time,
and at a different Place than what the other has reported it. The next
Day a Third starts up, with a grievous Complaint of the _Town's being
impos'd upon_, and triumphs in a more genuine and exact Account than
either of 'em. He insists upon it, that he did not fairly leave the
World till full fourteen Minutes and fifty nine Seconds after the time
both the others have brought it down to; and moreover maintains, that
the Demise in dispute happen'd at a Seat in the Country, and not at an
House in the Town, _as has been falsly publish'd in the other Papers_.

They are now all together by the ears about settling of the _Will_,
and disposing of the _Estate_. After a great deal of wrangling upon
those Heads, they begin to consider that the _Corpse_ must have
Christian Burial; they turn their Thoughts to that Point, and begin to
settle the _Funeral_. One Author is for _its lying in State_; another
will not come into it, but declares for a _private Interment_. At last
a Writer _buries it in a most magnificent manner_, in a Church some
Miles distant from _London_; and his Antagonist performs the _Funeral_
at another Church fifty Miles farther than that, and in a more _decent
way_. Next a Paper gives us the Names of those that supported the
_Pall_, together with who was the _chief Mourner_. This is so
provoking to him who could not lay hold on this _Intelligence in
time_, that he is resolv'd to be even with his Rival; so that the next
News we hear, are the Heads of the _Sermon_ that was preach'd at the
_Funeral_.

The Friends and Acquaintance of the _Deceas'd_, that may be remote
from the Town, and have nothing else to govern them but these
_Advices_, believe the main of them; and notwithstanding their
Perplexities and Variation, all credit the _Death_ of their old
_Friend_, and begin to descant on the Actions of his _Life_, some
conjecturing what he must have _died worth_, and what a Man he might
have been, was it not for such a Failing; and others, how long they
had remembred and been acquainted with him, _&c._

When the Story has gone this length, and begins to be old, and almost
obliterated, the News-Paper that was most forward in publishing it, to
the astonishment of all Mankind, cries out _peccavi_, and confesses
how he was _imposed on_; acknowledges _his Sorrow and Contrition_, and
_heartily begs Pardon of the Publick_, _and the Person_, whom he now
maintains to be _alive, and in good health_; and says, that _the
Report of his Death, as publish'd in his, and_ OTHER PAPERS, is
entirely _false, groundless, and without any manner of Foundation_.

There have been Instances of Women who have been frighten'd into
_Miscarriages_, and some even to _Death_, at the unexpected Visits of
their Friends, (whom, upon the _Credit_ of the Papers) they have
verily believed to have been as really dead as their great
Grandmothers were. A Lady of Quality, that is become superannuated, is
not to confine herself to Books of Devotion alone; People are not born
for themselves only; no, no, as ancient as she is, she must yet do
some Service to the Society. Says an Author, what, Shall _her Grace_
fancy herself as hail at Fourscore as she was at Forty? Accordingly,
he lends her his Hand, and she is led _very dangerously ill_ into his
Paper. The next Morning he is obliged to retract it, and so the
Publick are Gainers _two_ Paragraphs by it.

Nor shall a Lord _Spiritual_ or _Temporal_, that has attain'd his
Grand Climacterical Year, and yet remains in a good state of Mind and
Body, lie idle, but must occasionally be _extremely ill, attended by
sundry Physicians_, and _given over_; when a Dearth of Tales and
Tidings shall cause a Chasm in the Paper. The Persons so mention'd,
read these Relations themselves, and oftentimes with much pleasure,
because they receive a real Benefit by 'em: for they divert the Spleen
and Vapours, natural to old Age, and so prove a happy Means of
preserving them alive, much longer than some People perhaps may care
for.

A noble Lord, in a high Station, that is pretty far advanced in Years,
never rises from his Bed, but asks, _Am I in the Papers?_ For it has
been an Observation made by most People, that his Name has been made
use of for being _greatly indispos'd_; _finely mended_; _dangerously
relaps'd_; _in a fair way of Recovery_; _going to, and returning from
the Country_; and being _sent for by Expresses to assist at Councils_,
that have not been held, and _Boards_ that have not met, _on Business
of great Importance_, constantly _de Die in Diem_, in one Paper or
other, for several years together.

A Man may better venture to take a Purse from a Merchant upon
_Change_, than a _Judge_ to take an airing in his Coach, without being
taken into _Custody_ of a News-Writer for it. I have known them give
such minute Accounts of the times of the Judges _setting out_ for
this Place and from that Place in their private Capacities, that some
of them have actually suspended their Journeys, to prevent
Highway-mens taking the Hint, and lying in ambush for them on the
Roads.

I am told of a certain _Great Man_ who hath been most grosly affronted
and vilify'd by _certain Papers_ from Week to Week, Month to Month,
and from Year to Year, for a very long Series of Time; and who hath
publickly declar'd, that nothing shall provoke him to depart from a
Maxim which he has long laid down, _viz. That 'tis better one Man be
perpetually abus'd, than Thousands perish_.

About _Michaelmas_, an Author has told us in _Print_, he was _assured_
that _Christmas-Day would be on the 25th of_ December _following_. If
the Man has not been starv'd before the time, but surviv'd to St.
_Stephen_'s Day, and seen his wonderful Prediction happen and come to
pass; 'tis pleasant to observe, how he glories and exults in his next
Paper, telling us, _It is agreeable to what was formerly publish'd in
his, and in no other Paper_; and sets a high value on his Judgment for
anticipating his Brethren, the other Writers, who look like Fools at
one another, to see themselves thus jockey'd out of so _remarkable_ a
piece of _Intelligence_.

One Day we are told of a _Reform_ of the _Army_, and the next of a
_Promotion_ of _General Officers_. 'Tis merry enough to see a Colonel
of a Regiment in a Coffee-House, reading a News-Paper, that informs
him of a Gentleman being made _Lieutenant-Colonel to a Company of
Foot_; and of a _General_ of _Horse_ being promoted to the Rank of
_Captain-Lieutenant_ in his own Regiment; of which the Papers extant
have afforded us numberless Instances. We often read of some _Duke_,
who is called eldest Son and Heir apparent to a _Viscount_ or _Baron_,
going to, or returning from his Travels.

A dignify'd Clergyman, who had given a few Sacks of Coals amongst some
poor People in hard Weather, happen'd to come into _Brown_'s
Coffee-House in _Spring-Garden_, where some of the Gentlemen cry'd
out, _Doctor, you're in the Papers_. The Gentleman seem'd to be
greatly surprized at the thing: _What impudent Rascal has made free
with my Character?_ answers the Priest. Upon which one, with an
audible Voice, read out the Paragraph, which contained nothing more
than a fine Encomium on his Charity. The Doctor said, indeed there was
some _Truth_ in it; but then, _how impertinent it was in any Fellow to
make such a trifling Affair the Burden of his Paper_. This gave
occasion for various Reflections on the Papers in general. The
_Printer_ happen'd to be present, and heard himself, and others of his
Fraternity abused, in this manner for some time. Several Gentlemen
that were his Acquaintance, thought it far better to be silent, than
to interfere in his favour, because that might tend to expose him to
the Doctor's farther Clamour and Resentment. After the _Divine_ had
harangued the Company with a long _Discourse_ upon the Insolence of
Authors, Printers, and Publishers; the _Printer_ pull'd out of his
Pocket the _Copy_ from which this _injurious Article_ had been
printed, and which appear'd, to the entire Satisfaction of every one
present, to be the Doctor's own Hand-Writing. The Printer further
declar'd, that he knew no more of the matter, than that his Servants,
in his absence, receiv'd the usual Price of three Shillings and
Six-pence, for its being inserted in his Paper.

The Tricks which have been put upon the weak and credulous part of
Mankind during the Drawing of the late State-Lottery by letting out
what were called _Horses_ and _Chances_ to Women and Children, are
wonderful. There was a Gentlewoman, not far from St. _Dunstan_'s
Church in _Fleet-Street_, who having the Misfortune to fall in with
the Opinion of many, that the Tickets would still come down to _Par_,
had therefore neglected to provide herself till the Premiums were got
so high that she chose rather than purchase a _Ticket_, to put herself
_in Fortune's Way_ by _Riding_. Being recommended to the _honestest
Broker_ in the _Alley_, she got _mounted_ upon a very _odd Number_,
and one which had been successful in a former Lottery. She grew more
familiar with Morning and Evening Prayers than ever. One day she
fasted, another day feasted, and when a sturdy Beggar ask'd her
Assistance, they were not put off with _You're able to work_, but were
sure of Relief. Her Maids were treated as though they had been her
nearest Relations, and her Children could do nothing to ruffle her
Temper. In a word, she declared for nothing but Acts of Charity and
Piety, and never had such a Harmony been seen before in the Family. If
anyone knocked at the Door in haste, she grew pale, and was all over
in a Trembling, expecting it to be the _joyful News_; and, by way of
Precaution, she had spoke to a _Surgeon_ to be ready upon a short
Notice, because she intended to lose _a few Ounces_, to prevent the
Consequence of a _Surprize_. She kept _de die in diem_ renewing her
Ticket, upon the Information of a little blind Office whither the
Broker carried her, that it remain'd _undrawn_. Three Weeks past, and
she could hear no Tales or Tidings of either of the _Ten Thousands_,
notwithstanding the many thousand good things she vow'd to do, if
Madam _Fortune_ would but for once vouchsafe to become her humble
Servant; resolving not to be discouraged, because her _Dreams_ still
assured that there was some good thing in store for her in the
_Wheel_. She continued renewing her Ticket till the last Week of the
Drawing, when being advised to consult the Register at the
Lottery-Office in _Whitehall_, she had the sorrowful Satisfaction to
find how she had been abused, the _Ticket_ which she had hired for
thirty-two Days at the different Prices the _Horses_ bore, having been
drawn a _Blank_ the second day of the _Lottery_.

A little Lottery _of all Prizes and no Blanks_, for disposing of a few
Trifles, being put up by a Tradesman in the City, the highest Prize
was a _Pint Silver Mug_: any one might become an Adventurer for
Six-pence, and the Adventurers were to put their Hands in the Glass,
and draw the Tickets themselves. A Sharper having got amongst the
Croud, contrived a Ticket like those in the Glass, and wrote upon it a
_Pint Silver Mug_, and then dextrously concealing it in the Palm of
his Hand, put in to draw the Lot: the Ticket being opened, the Master
of the Lottery called him all the vile cheating Rogues, saying, he
would go before a Magistrate, and make Oath, that the Prize of the
_Silver Mug_ had never been put into the Glass.

There are many Persons subsisted merely by frequenting the most noted
_Ordinaries_ and _Eating-Houses_ where the second-hand sort of
Gentlemen resort; and there, when they find a better Sword, Hat or
Cane, than their own at leisure, make no scruple to bring them away,
and are oftentimes so ungenerous as not to leave their old ones in
lieu of them. The Persons who fall into this _Way of Life_, I have
observed, are for the most part of pretty voluble Tongues, and are
generally well versed in the Politicks and Histories of their own
Times, so as to be able to harangue a Company into a good opinion of
their Parts and Capacity; so that when they are taking Leave, to go
away, the Company may not regard the Pegs on which those Moveables
hang. They also appear decently dress'd, so as to avoid being
suspected of making a _Trade_ instead of a _Mistake_ when they are
detected in these Practices. I have known a large Number of People,
after they have heartily filled their Bellies with Beef and Pudding,
do notable Services to their Country; two or three have made Reprisals
upon the _Spanish Guard la Costa's_ in the _West-Indies_. Others have
reduced the Army, and added to the Sinking-Fund. Some have made a safe
and honourable Peace, and brought us all to rights at last; and after
all this Merit, be rewarded with the loss of their Hats, Canes and
Swords, and be forced to march out of a Cook's Shop like a Garrison
that has surrendred Prisoners at Discretion, when some of the
_Gentlemen_ of this _Profession_ have been amongst them.

A Gentleman-like Person being on a _Christmas-Day_ taking a Walk in
_Queen-Square_ near _Ormond-Street_, and observing a handsome Table
decked out with the best Damask Linnen, and a Side-Board richly
cover'd with Plate, _&c._ he concluded that an elegant Dinner must not
be very distant from those Preparations. Immediately a Coach,
containing two Ladies and a Gentleman, stopt at the Door: with an Air
of Vivacity he steps forward, and assists the Ladies in coming out of
the Coach, and after the mutual Civilities, they all enter the House
together, and are received and conducted by the Gentleman of the
Family into the Dining-Room; his Lady, Sisters, Daughters, and Nieces
are saluted by the _Gentlemen_ in the usual manner. Dinner is called,
and served up; and the _Stranger_ calls about him for Water, Wine, and
every thing he wanted, as though he had been intimately acquainted
with the Table. From the Discourse which passed, he became Master of
every one's Name present, and made use of them on proper Occasions;
and then by a short Story relating to a Rencounter, which he said he
was engaged in at _Paris_, the Company laid hold of his Name likewise,
and every one became jocose, free, and obliging to each other. When he
was called upon for his Toast, he named the most celebrated Beauties
of the Age, and the Healths of such Gentlemen as he found were
agreeable to the Ladies. In a word, he acquitted himself as became a
Man of Mode, and one who kept the best Company. Towards the Evening
the Conversation breaks up, and the Gentlemen with the two Ladies take
Leave, after a great many Compliments for their Entertainment; and the
strange Gentleman having helped to conduct the Ladies into their Coach
in the same manner as he had handed them out of it, they in Civility
desire to set him down, which he accepted of, and they heard no more
of him till they went again to dine at their Friend's House in
_Queen's-Square_, when the Gentleman of the House and all the Ladies
roundly rallied them for not bringing their Friend, the well-bred Mr.
---- with them to Dinner. They were more surprized, as supposing him
to have been an Intimate of the Family's, and had not seen him before
the time he had imposed himself upon all the Company for a Dinner.

A certain small Portion of the People obtain Food and Raiment by
plying closely the Avenues that lead into _St. James's Park_, and the
other privileged Places within the Verge of the Court; they appear
like Porters and Chairmen, and some like Operators for the Feet; and
have had such Experience in their Business, and are so well skill'd in
Physiognomy, that they know an _insolvent Person_ upon the first
sight. The severe Usage his Apparel has met with from the Bristles, or
else his conscious Countenance in the shy and suspicious Look he casts
over his Shoulder upon every one he hears treading behind him, are the
infallible Tokens by which they form their Judgment. Having pitch'd
upon their Man, they pursue him at a proper Distance, till they find
an Opportunity to speak with him alone, and then tell him a Person has
hired them to watch diligently the Route he shall take for that Day,
and upon giving notice thereof, they are to be rewarded; but that,
being an unfortunate Man himself, and owing much Money, he would not
for his Right-hand set a Gentleman into the hands of a Bailiff. The
Information carrying such an honest Face with it, cannot fail of being
received with due Gratitude. The Insolvent is now obliged to look to
himself, and instead of stealing to _Chelsea_ or _Kensington_ for a
little Air, is forced to confine himself to bad Punch and worse Wine
at some blind Hedge Coffee-house or Tavern within the Verge of the
Court. The Rascal by whom he has thus been impudently imposed upon and
terrified, never meets him but begs a Shilling or Six-pence; and
having brought, perhaps, a dozen unfortunate Gentlemen more under the
same Apprehensions, makes a comfortable Livelyhood of them.

Sometimes they are really employ'd by the Bailiffs to keep a Look-out
upon a Gentleman that is appointed to be unharboured; then they betray
their Masters by giving him timely Notice of what is intended, and so
get more by the Discovery than the Officer would have done by
executing the Writ.

A Gentleman had once taken Sanctuary in the Verge, but such pressing
Importunities were made to the _Green-Cloth_, that he was left to the
Mercy of his Creditors, if they could get him into their Power: As his
Debts were large, so large Rewards were offered to any Officer who
should undertake his Reprizal. A Bailiff for the Sum of Twenty Guineas
at last undertook the Job. The Insolvent confined himself close to his
Chamber, and had all his Eatables dressed at a Tavern: Having one
Night ordered an elegant Supper for a few Ladies at his Lodgings, the
Bailiffs got Intelligence of the Hour it was directed to be ready; and
having equipp'd himself with a black Callimanco-Waistcoat and
Napkin-Cap like a Cook, and his two Followers like Drawers, and
furnish'd themselves with cover'd Dishes, Plates, and every thing
necessary for Eating: A few Minutes before the time appointed they
were all admitted into the Chamber, the Ladies were all in a Hurry to
get themselves seated, crying _Supper was come_; but the Gentleman
perceiving the Cheat, was for taking to his Pistols, but they secured
and brought him off Prisoner to the County-Jayl immediately.

A Foreigner of Distinction, who had formerly made the Tour of
_England_, and during his Stay, had contracted very large Debts with
several Trades-People, happened a few Months since to return to
_London_: he chose to lodge privately, and seldom appeared abroad;
but, having purchased some Tickets in the State-Lottery, and entered
them at an Office in the City for an Account of their Success to be
transmitted to him; his Creditors got knowledge of his Arrival, and
the Place of his Abode. One Morning, when he was in a _Dishabilie_,
and playing with his Dog, a Sheriff's Officer _sans Ceremonie_ entered
the Room, and taking a Writ out of his Pocket, shew'd it to the
_Count_, telling him, _he arrested him in an Action for Five Hundred
Pounds_. The _Foreigner_ understanding but very little _English_, fell
to hugging the Bailiff in his Arms, and thrust eight Guineas into his
Hand as a Reward, thinking he had brought him the News of a Five
Hundred Pound Prize in the Lottery; and then capered about the Room
like a Dancing-Master, calling in _French_ to his _Valet_ and
_Interpreter_, who were in an adjacent Room, to come to partake of his
Joy. By this time three dirty Ruffians like Street-Robbers were at the
Chamber-door, and the whole House in an Uproar. The _Count_ was soon
convinced of his Error, and obliged to find Bail to the Action; and
there being none in the Room but the Bailiff and himself when the Writ
was executed, the Rascal absolutely denied the Present of _Eight
Guineas_, and got three more for his _Civility_, in not carrying him
out of the House.

A noted Town-Sharper being in Company with others of his Acquaintance,
and tossing about his Purse with Fifty Guineas in it, swore he must
make them an Hundred between Sun and Sun, or else he must be liable to
an Arrest, and go to Jayl for the Money. He went to his Lodgings in
_Westminster_, and taking off his Coat and Neckcloth, put on his
Night-Gown, and stuck a Pen under his Perriwig, and laying aside his
Hat, ordered a Hackney-Coach to be called to the Door; his Order was
to be set down at _Stocks-Market_, from thence he walked into a
Banker's Shop in _Lombard-Street_, and pointing towards one of the
neighbouring Lanes, said, there was an old whimsical Lady at his Shop
just come to Town, who had required him to get her fifty of _Queen
Anne_'s Guineas in Change of others to carry home with her into the
Country; and that, being an extraordinary good Customer, he could not
fail obliging her. The Banker's Servant answered, they had, no doubt,
a good number of them, but it would give him a great deal of Trouble
to tumble over the Cash to find 'em. Upon this the Sharper threw him
down three Half-Crowns as a Gratuity, and then several Bags of Gold
opened their Mouths upon the Compter: while the Servant was busy in
looking them out, the other was as busy to assist him, and every
Minute was darting his Hand upon the Heaps, crying, _Here's one:
there's another_, &c. and by the help of some Wax in the hollow of his
Hand, he drew away several Guineas every time, which he conveyed into
a Handkerchief he held in his Left-hand. When the Number was
compleated, they parted, with much Complaisance on each side: but when
the Banker came the next Morning to settle the Account of his Cash, he
found in his _Gold_ a Deficiency of _Sixty Guineas_.

A most satyrical Pamphlet against some Persons in Power, having been
ushered into the World by an unknown Hand, and being wrote with much
Spirit and Vehemence, the Thing had a prodigious Run upon the Town, so
that the Profits arising from the Sale were very considerable. A
_Bookseller_ in the City, who happened to be the Proprietor of this
_Lucky Hit_, being at his Shop-door one Evening, a Gentleman pretty
humbly habited accosted him, and desired leave to exhibit to him a
_Copy_ upon a curious Subject, which, he said, was his own
Performance, and which he believed _wou'd do_; he told him of what
_University_ he was, and by what Means his Merit had miss'd of it's
Reward: He was going to apologize for the meanness of his Apparel,
when the Bookseller interrupted him with a great Oath, and pointed to
a Warehouse of Waste-Paper, which he said was, to his sorrow, the
Production of Beaus and Blockheads of Quality; adding, it was a Maxim
held by the whole Trade, that _a bad Coat always betoken'd a good
Poet_; and that if he approv'd of his _Work_, his _Dress_ should be no
Obstacle to a Bargain: but that withal he seem'd to be Master of too
much Modesty, he fear'd, to undertake the Business of his Shop; but if
he turn'd out otherwise, and had any tolerable hand at Defamation, he
had a _Fifth Floor_, with other Favours at his Service. The Shopkeeper
said it was not customary to treat of these Matters at home, and
having carried him to his Tavern, he enquir'd the Hour of the _Poet_'s
Appetite. A Bottle, with a monstrous Beef-Stake, were soon upon the
Table. They now come to Business; the Bookseller was ask'd, _If he was
a Man of Honour, and could keep a Secret?_ No Man, _he thank'd God,
could say otherwise, for that he always endeavour'd to preserve the
Character of as honest a Man as the Trade and Business would admit
of_. The Poet then assur'd him, he was the real Author of that severe
Pamphlet against the M--n--ry, which had made such a noise in the
World. The Bookseller had not been acquainted with Books alone, he
knew something of Men also, and had therefore the Presence of Mind to
conceal his Surprize at the monstrous Impudence of the Fellow; and
giving him a fast squeeze by the Hand, says, _Sir, you're my Man:_ and
being willing to have some other Witness of this extraordinary Event,
said, Then I must let you into another Secret; and gave him to
understand that there was a private Contract between him and another
Bookseller in the same Street, by which both their Interests were so
consolidated, that the one durst not engross or monopolize to himself
any Copy or Author, without the Knowledge and Consent of the other;
and so desired he would give leave for his Partner to be sent for,
which was readily comply'd with. The poor Man had now two upon his
hands; the Bottle went briskly about, and the more merry, the more
unmerciful they grew, for the Room was soon fill'd with more
Booksellers, Printers, and Stationers, to see this Prodigy of Wit and
Satyr: who were all recommended to him as _Friends_, and _Well-wishers
to the Cause_. He became more unguarded, till at last they extorted
from him the Profits accruing by the ingenious Pamphlet, for the
writing of which he had set so high a Value upon himself. He was very
particular and prolix on that Head, and so soon as he had ended his
Relation, the first Bookseller produced, before all the Company, a
Receipt, under the Hand of the true Author, for the Money he had paid
him for the Copy.

FINIS.

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End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Tricks of the Town: or, Ways and
Means of getting Money, by John Thomson

*** 