This list of FAQs was written to accompany communication to an organisation's employees on how to list their pronouns on their email and instant messenger tools. It's not intended to cover all the questions that may arise.
It’s a really easy way to show allyship to transgender and non-binary colleagues and normalise a practice that helps them. The more people who do this, the less obvious it is for a transgender, nonbinary, or questioning person to need to out themselves by being the only person to list them.
Our gender is part of our identity, like our nationality, heritage, or religion. Some people feel a sense of discomfort about this aspect of their identity. This discomfort is sometimes called gender dysphoria, and it’s a complex feeling that affects everyone who experiences it differently. In the context of pronouns, though, some can experience that discomfort when they’re referred to in a way that doesn’t align with their identity. On a more positive note, though, there’s an opposite feeling (this is called euphoria), which can arise when the correct pronouns are used. What’s important is respecting aspects of a person’s identity.
Language is a powerful tool we use daily to affirm people’s identities. Titles such as Mr, Mrs, Miss, Ms, and Dr, tied to identity aspects, are usually gendered. We readily adapt to using a new name when someone undergoes a significant life change like marriage or divorce. Refusing to do so can be perceived as ignorant or rude, as this simple change can mean a lot to the person involved. The same principle applies to pronouns.
It’s good to do things that matter to people in minority groups. It makes people feel welcomed and included. Making people feel like this helps build an environment where everyone feels safe, empowered, and valued.
Language is a powerful tool, and how we use it is important. It’s still important to use respectful language about co-workers, even in their absence. It’s fundamental to fostering an inclusive culture. Conversely, being disrespectful by disregarding a simple request from a co-worker goes further than indicating that you don’t think you should respect a choice of pronoun. It says you’re disrespectful of your co-worker in general, and this is not behaviour to model at work.
This is about an individual’s identity, not about their body. We don’t want to make decisions based on how others look or what we think their physical anatomy is like. We want to base our behaviour around what makes others feel respected.
No. It’s entirely up to you. We hope you’ll choose to display your pronouns, but we'll also respect your decision if you choose not to.
Pronouns are words that can be used in the place of nouns. Instead of a person’s name, words like “I”, “you”, “they”, “he”, or “she” might be used instead. Sometimes, the choice of this word depends on someone’s gender. This FAQ focuses on the third-person pronouns we use when talking or writing about others.
The best thing to do is correct yourself and continue your conversation. Don’t draw undue attention to your error. It can single out the person you were referring to, which is often an uncomfortable feeling. We all make mistakes; the important thing is that we make the effort for one another. Most of the trans community are realistic about how tricky this is. We’ll notice your effort to use the right pronouns far more than any slip-ups you might make. We slip up, too.
Here are some examples of how to handle it well:
- “Alice - sorry, Alex, - recently joined the claims team.”
- "I know, she - I mean he, is working in London now."
You’d only find yourself having trouble if you persistently and deliberately disrespected a colleague by refusing to use their stated pronouns or making a point of using other pronouns to be disrespectful to them, so it’s no different from any other behaviour that persistently disrespects someone else. There are no new rules here - we’ve always been expected to respect our colleagues, and this principle remains true.
It’s courteous to mention that the person being referred to uses a particular pronoun and then continue with your conversation. When it’s your turn to speak about that person, use the correct pronoun.
Yes. It’s often better to try to do it privately if you can, but if you do it respectfully, it’s perfectly acceptable.
It’s certainly true that this is how they/them/theirs works for multiple people or things. For centuries, though, back to about the 1300s, ‘singular they’ has been used when we don’t know the sex or gender of someone. It’s become preferred in writing where it sounds more natural than saying “he or she” or “he/she” or “(s)he”. It’s been used a lot in this document already and you may not even have noticed.
There’s a nice example taken from this article: Say you’re at a restaurant, and you spot some keys left on a table. You might say, “Someone left their keys on that table”. That’s singular “their”. “You” is also a pronoun that can be used to refer to a single person or a group of people.
They/them means you’d use these pronouns like this:
- Mike is writing a guide to pronouns. He is answering some common questions and hopes his guide will be useful. Afterwards, some of his friends are going to meet up with him.
- Mike is writing a guide to pronouns. They are answering some common questions and hope their guide will be useful. Afterwards, some of their friends will meet up with them.
No. Just like your name might be how you prefer people to address you, it doesn’t mean it’s flexible or a suggestion. Try to refer to “someone’s pronouns” rather than “someone’s preferred pronouns”.
Sadly, it’s not that simple. If someone states that their pronouns are they/them, it just means that their stated pronouns are they/them. Similarly, some non-binary people use binary pronouns (he/him or she/her). There are various reasons for this; they might not feel safe coming out, they might not be sure what they prefer, or they may just be content with the pronouns others already use for them. Some people don’t care. The decisions people make on this are their own, though, and it’s important to respect them. Like other aspects of an individual’s identity, nobody owes an explanation or justification to anyone else about their pronouns.
It doesn’t necessarily mean anything will change. It might, but it’s also not something a work colleague needs to know. Transitioning, decisions around whether to do so, how to do it, and the timeframes involved are deeply personal things. They might involve a person’s medical history and sensitive subjects in their personal life. Remember that our workplace might be a place of relative safety and stability for a trans or questioning colleague. Please respect their decisions and boundaries by not asking intrusive questions. Even if they’re well-intentioned and asked only to try to help, they’re hard work, having to decline to answer is difficult.
In the various countries in which we’re present:
IT: Arcigay, MIT Italia
ES: lambda in Valencia, Arcópoli in Madrid, LGBTI centre in Barcelona
UK: Spectra, LGBT Foundation
I don’t think people should change from he/him to she/her or the reverse. I don’t think they/them is a valid choice. I want to debate it with someone so I can tell them they’re wrong.
There’s that singular ‘they’ again. Please don’t do this. Aspects of our identity aren’t for debate and it’s no more appropriate than arguing against their sexual orientation, religion, or disability.
You might also find the following articles useful:
- Understanding Pronouns - LGBT Foundation
- What Is a Pronoun? Definition, Types & Examples | Grammarly
- A beginner’s guide to pronouns and using pronouns in the workplace | Stonewall
- They/Them Pronouns: What They Mean and When to Use Them
- They/Them Pronouns: All Your Questions About Gender-Neutral Pronouns Answered | Teen Vogue
My colleague just came out as trans and I don’t know what to do. I have questions, and I don’t feel comfortable asking them directly.
This FAQ focuses on pronouns in workplace tools like your email account and Slack profile so it doesn’t cover the breadth of topics that arise when this happens. The best strategy is to listen to what your colleague tells you, which might be that they’d like you to use a different name and pronouns for them. It might also mean being conscious of using gendered language or asking their manager or someone they nominate for advice. Remember, it’s normal and acceptable for people to make new requests or change what they’ve already requested. Coming out is a tough step to take, and nobody does it for fun. Above all, treat them with the same respect you’d give any of your colleagues.