I think I finally found the worst surgery to watch: amputations. I think it's the first time I've truly felt physically revolted at surgery footage. I'm not sure the exact reason why I keep watching these videos, but I do have a few guesses. It started out with pimple popping videos, cause I thought those were satisfying, then it became foreign object removal surgeries, and then it eventually devolved into just straight up surgery videos. I think for me, it humbles me, reminds me of my mortality. It reminds me that no matter what, my vitality is ultimately dependent on my physical wellbeing. I think another part of it is pride, testing to see how far I can go without chickening out. I feel quite disturbed tonight though, so I don't know how well I will sleep. Kind of a stupid decision to watch surgery videos late at night. Very stupid decision.
Its already the third week of classes, and even though I was bored out of my mind from the first week of classes, it has just somehow gotten worse. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm genuinely being annoying just asking people to hang out. Unfortunately though, I fell ill this weekend which has kind hindered my social life. It's been really bad though, I could barely get sleep the past two nights and swalling is annoyingly painful. I didn't go to class today because of how terrible this morning was, but I think I should be healthy enough to go tomorrow. It's not like I have a heavy schedule tomorrow anyways, it's literally one class at 5pm.
I went to CVS again and bought more medication as well as Panera to get some food. I bought two soups and a sandwich so at first I thought I waas gonna ration out the food for breakfast tomorrow, but my fat ass ate it all in two meals. But I think I will give myself a pass because I was physically unable to get breakfast this morning.
Not sure exactly how much I should be writing to a public journal, but I will be considering a little bit of feedback.
I think I want to create beauty. I have no outlet for my thoughts, and when I try to bring my ideas to life, I get disappointed. I neither have mastery over words nor images. I would like to create poetry, I would like create paintings, but I currently stand at a state where my skills on both fronts are still developing. I'm not at the point where I can fully utilizse inspiration. With photos, I think I have a clear concept of what is good and what looks good. I am also able to more easily produce and alter photographs. With art, I have a sense of what looks good, just not a means of producing and altering. With writing, I have neither sense a sense of quality nor the skill to produce.
I think I need to resume reading again. I need to read poetry, I need to practice painting. I need to stop disappointing myself.