I was inspired by AceLewis's my_first_calculator.py to make my own satirical calculator. While mine does not have an if statement for each number, it instead does all of the arithmetic in binary using only tables. This unfortunately means I was not able to add division (yet). It supports +, -, and * on integers from 0 to 63. The subtraction segment can also output negative numbers. There is no arithmetic or numerical comparisons done without tables.
To use it, enter your formula into the console like "12+43". I used https://www.tutorialspoint.com/execute_lua_online.php for testing.
