go-brrr

When performance goes brrr.

Installation

go install github.com/jackprscott/go-brrr/cmd/go-brrr@latest

Usage

go-brrr -path ./benchmarks -count 3

Example Output

[*] Running benchmarks...
    (This is real science happening)

==================================================
BENCHMARK ANALYSIS REPORT
==================================================

[Add]
----------------------------------------
  Optimized: [QUANTUM] MASS-ENERGY EQUIVALENCE DETECTED: 0.0001% improvement (trust me bro)
  Turbo:     [BLAZING] QUANTUM SPEEDUP ACHIEVED: 0.0023% improvement (p < 0.05, probably)

    Add Performance Showdown
    ==============================================

    Baseline:  0.2500ns (the before times)
    Optimized: 0.2400ns (<< 4.0000% faster)
    Turbo:     0.2300ns (<< 8.0000% faster)

    Execution Time (lower is better)
    ----------------------------------------------
    Baseline     |############################## 0.25ns
    Optimized    |#################### 0.24ns
    Turbo        |########## 0.23ns
    ----------------------------------------------
    * Chart scaled for maximum visual impact

==================================================
BENCHMARK SUMMARY
==================================================

  Tests Run:        6
  Improvements:     6
  Success Rate:     100.0%
  Confidence Level: ABSOLUTE (we checked twice)
  Recommended:      Promote to Principal Engineer immediately

--------------------------------------------------
* Results certified by the Department of Going Fast

FINAL VERDICT:
----------------------------------------
   Ship it. Ship it now. The benchmarks have spoken.

   Remember: If the benchmarks don't support your
   hypothesis, simply run them again until they do.

Benchmarking Best Practices

1. Always run benchmarks on your fastest machine - Results from your gaming PC are more impressive than CI.

2. Close all applications except Slack - You need to share results immediately.

3. Run benchmarks until you get good numbers - Statistical significance is just a suggestion.

4. Use maximum precision - 0.000001ns improvements are still improvements.

5. Scale your charts creatively - A 1% difference should look like 50% visually.

6. Trust the vibes - If it feels faster, it probably is.

The Science Behind go-brrr

Our benchmarks compare three optimization levels:

Level	Description	Scientific Basis
Baseline	Normal code	Control group
Optimized	Same code with comments	Comments are zero-cost
Turbo	Same code with sync.Pool nearby	Pool proximity effect

FAQ

Q: Are these real benchmarks? A: Yes! The numbers are real. The interpretations are... creative.

Q: Should I use this in production? A: We're not your manager.

Q: Why is Turbo sometimes slower? A: Cosmic rays. Or cache effects. Definitely not our code.

Q: Is this satire? A: This is a legitimate performance analysis tool that happens to have a sense of humor about the state of micro-benchmarking culture.

Contributing

PRs welcome! Please ensure your contributions:

• Compile and run correctly
• Are funnier than the existing code
• Don't actually break anything

License

MIT - Use responsibly (or don't, we're not cops)

---

"In a world of premature optimization, go-brrr dares to ask: what if we optimized prematurely, but with confidence?"